Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00hey Paul yeah I hear you had a date with Raquel Welch yeah yeah yes I did Jack
00:10well how was it oh it was great it was fine we you know went out to dinner then
00:15we went to the movies yeah then what happened yeah nothing I I took her home
00:20I didn't even kiss her good night and they call me the dummy
00:30can you top hello ladies and gentlemen I'm wink Martindale and we'll have some laughs together
00:53for the next half hour on a show called can you top this thank you thank you very much
00:59welcome to our show once again the show where you at home send the jokes and our panel of comedians
01:05try to top your stories and of course without your stories we'd be in bad shape we get a lot
01:09of good jokes from you and a gentleman who does a great job of telling your story relaying it to
01:15our audience mr. Richard Dawson here you fancy meeting you here on the joke show you joker you
01:25how are you look at my hand right there watching poetry day wait is it a poem they sat on the porch at midnight
01:37but uh his love was not to attain his reach with 36 inches and she had a 44 weight
01:50here's the toast of television well actually he's not the toast he's more like a crumb maury amsterdam
02:04oh hello boys beautiful what are we talking about today poetry poetry poetry let's see one of the
02:16fine old poems uh oh sing a song of six pence a pocket full of rye the guy must have been drunk that's
02:23no place to carry liquor it doesn't rhyme but he was drunk anyway what's the difference did it even
02:32make sense yes no i know i'll drink to that here's the guy anything here's a guy who i like because
02:37he's very even tempered nasty but even paul winchell
02:41poetry maury poetry i have a poem amused amused and this really has a message for you bachelors
02:53out there go say it with flowers say it with eats say it with kisses say it with sweets say it with
03:02jewelry say it with drink but always be careful not to say it with ink
03:09here's a guy who's a real loser here's a guy who is such a loser that he even gets a busy signal from dial
03:19a prayer jack carter
03:26i am good
03:28henry wadsworth carter henry wadsworth longview longfellow edgar allen pew and from the depths of the sedan
03:34there came a muffled curse he was trying to fold a road map same as it was at first
03:40that's everybody who'll be telling the jokes today on can you top this and here's the way our show
03:49works our home viewer gets 25 bucks for having their jokes told by the gentleman named dawson his score
03:55is recorded on the computer and then our final stars will try our final stars will try to top it
04:01twenty five dollars in addition goes to the home viewer each time one of the stars jack or paul or
04:07maury fails to top richard's score now if all of the celebrities fail to top it the home viewer gets a
04:12hundred dollars in cash rob house and a fantastic gift what's the gift an ampex micro 86 stereo cassette
04:19tape player recorder wow this one features instant play easy to use control matched speakers and
04:25microphones from ampex the name preferred by professionals right right okay that's what we'll be
04:31playing for and we'll get started with our first round of can you top this right after these words
04:45all right let's get started with our first round of can you top this our category will be dentists
04:50dentists dentists jokes it's gonna be like pulling teeth and me did you really say that yeah i just
04:56said it yeah maybe my mouth was moving it wasn't you this is marnie fortney up a dentist story rich
05:06is going to tell it that's no complaints because this is a very good story now this is two marvelous old
05:12ladies very similar to the ladies that you only gave 77 to a few weeks ago
05:18so this is a chance for you to redeem yourself and she had a terrible toothache and she hated the dentist
05:26dentist was about 108 miles away only way to get there by the train she said i can't go to the dentist
05:34he'll hurt me stamp and grab all of the gum and pull it out through my ear i hate that she didn't
05:42know that at all now here's a tablet to relax you just take this just as you're aboard the train it's sort
05:50of an early mill town it'll cool your nerves for a little while sip a little grape out of the brown
05:56paper bag and when you get to almira which is halfway there notice they'll say almira next stop pop another
06:06pill in your mouth and you'll just be oh you'll have such a time said all right fine old lady got on the
06:14train doctor came along is everything all right she said oh it's just fine thank you
06:22all right it seems possible we've just crossed the date line are we at almira yet she said no no i'll
06:32let you know when we're at almira she said no thank you every time he passed she said is it almira yet
06:38no no i'll let you know they're driving along their train's going suddenly the conductor looked went up to
06:44the driver said hold it it's an old lady they just asked me to put her off at almira well how far are we
06:52past she said we're about 17 miles just stopped the train this is a darling old lady i can't do it to
06:56it i promise her i let her know just back the train up back there we are here we are help you off i don't
07:06want to get up but sister said just take another pill when we get to almira
07:12i told the punchline about three minutes early but i just kept going hoping hoping my english
07:36my english friend that's a related i'd like you to show you how fair we are we'll throw our job
07:45means i don't work polk ohio because i'll be attacked by mrs fortnay for
07:51i did my best what didn't you say was a 72 that you got the last time you told the dentist story
07:56yes that's what you got this time who asked you
07:59your gums will have to go you've had 72 maureen you got to top that and the category is dentist
08:07dentist dentist i want to tell you something we in the cities like you know in beverly hills and
08:12hollywood new york the big cities where medical bills are really sky high and you can't blame the
08:18doctors because expenses are sky high you forget that in some of the small towns around the country they
08:23have very very proficient people in the various professions who do not charge a lot because they
08:29don't have to pay a lot where they are but and you forget that their prices are a little more realistic
08:34and it happened to me once i was in polk ohio
08:37and i must tell you that in polk ohio and i got a toothache and when i get a toothache you know
08:50it's the whole thing goes the whole face i felt terrible i went to this dentist and i said he
08:55says don't worry i'll take care of you sit down just relax you up it's got to come out gave me a
09:00little uh novocaine jazz didn't feel it pulled a tooth out nice job i went to pay him i said oh my
09:07gosh i'm sorry doc i left my wallet at the hotel all i got with me is a quarter i'm embarrassed
09:13well he says i know i guess i'll have to pull another tooth i haven't got any change
09:2578 maury you're top to 72. no sit down we'll let you know
09:30well winchell did it uh well this story takes place in polk ohio also
09:37why is such a big town well these dentist kind of things happen in some of the smaller towns too
09:44anyway this fellow walks into the dentist and he had to have a molar extracted and the dentist did a
09:50beautiful job he pulled out the tooth but suddenly the forceps slipped and the tooth right to the
09:56gross throat and he got panicky the dentist said now look whatever you do just don't panic you'll
10:01be perfectly all right but you better go to a throat doctor very very quick and have him take a look so
10:05he went to the throat doctor the guy looked and he said i don't see anything in your throat he said
10:10whatever it might have been he says probably has gone into your esophagus i'm going to send you to a
10:14chest surgeon so the fellow went over to a chest surgeon still very very anxious the chest surgeon
10:20looked at him checked him over and he said i can't find anything wrong with your chest and whatever was
10:24there and the esophagus has probably gone into your stomach i'm going to send you to a big gastric
10:29specialist so he went up wait wait this is going to be what i think let's get out of here now
10:37i'll stay for the stomach part then we're going to poke you just wiped out 72
10:45anyway i'm about to wind it up right now because after being told i will go no further
10:51he finally goes to this little old german specialist with a stomach doctor and the
10:55guy takes an x-ray and he picks up the plate and he says my goodness gracious i have just discovered
11:01that you have a tooth growing in your stomach you better go to a dentist
11:05you're going to turn this place into who asked you the way i heard it the fellow accidentally swallowed
11:19an artificial eye right oh oh the doctor said i'd see many of nine that i ever saw one looking at me
11:27is this elmira you got a 77 on that paul here's the pride of elmira here i am an old lady was in a
11:35train popping pills into her poke when an elmira how did we get into this a guy was in love with a
11:41girl but she was really gorgeous except for the teeth really she had one of these look like roquefort
11:48cheese all the way the kind of teeth she could eat corn through a picket fence really terrible teeth
11:55otherwise the rest of it was gorgeous so he spent all his money on teeth for this girl the guy was
12:00a poor soul working hard he took thousands of dollars took her to the best dentist in new york
12:05and he did caps and things and put in and now she was gorgeous and of course the millionaire spotted
12:11her she went in the show business and she brushed the guy immediately never saw him again and for years
12:15he went around the world looking for her my gosh where could she be and and he never saw her again
12:20after giving her the teeth and spending all the money she was off and one day he's in europe and
12:25he's in the south of france in the french riviera there in a gambling casino in monte carlo there she
12:29is sitting next to princess grace and she's gorgeous with a larnette you know with a cigarette holder
12:34and the low-cut gown and there she is smiling and ha ha champagne and he went up and says hi remember me
12:42from elmira huh remember i moved from polka ohio remember me oh please come back with me come back
12:50to me and she laughed at him ladies and gentlemen laughed at him with his own teeth
12:54all of our panelists stopped your joke mrs marnie portney did i tell you she's from polka ohio
13:11yes anyway you get 25 for having your joke told on the air by richard dawson and our thanks
13:16don't make a story on dennis can you top this we'll be back in just a moment
13:29next category next category has to do with food food stories food job right
13:37any kind of food story this one though came to us from the bronx new york from mr joseph scuzzillo
13:42they got food there that's it uh about three guys on a raft shipwreck only thing they have left
13:53two white bunny rabbits dead barely moving let's put it that way and a huge hunk of salami
14:02and uh one day they wake up it's very quiet no newspapers or anything and one said
14:09wait a minute you have you been eating marshmallows
14:18no i've been eating my bunny rabbit
14:23well you're great you are that's all we had left now the only thing we have left now is your salami i'm
14:29i'm very surprised at you did you eat the prayer as well she ah that's the best part
14:34the other one said now look how can we share this out really and truly so it so it's a fair share for
14:42all sure there's not enough to share i have to think of a way that one person gets it all maybe one
14:49person will be here when the boat comes along number five and rescues us the person we set salami be alive
14:56i thought it open i've got it we're all going to sleep tonight and we're all dreaming
15:05uh where we are dry i said i'm dreaming so shut up you you eat like bunny rabbits of course you dream
15:13you dream yes i dream every night good in the morning we'll wake up and we'll tell each other
15:21our dreams we've ever had the most bizarre beautiful dream you allowed to eat the salami
15:28they all went to sleep they woke up in the morning those guys said well what did you dream about
15:34well i dreamt that we've been at sea for about a month and i passed away and i went up to heaven
15:42and saint peter looked at me and said welcome old friend he gave me a harp and wings
15:51you know well that's great that is great i had a very similar dream we've been here about uh two
15:59months and i passed away actually blown away and i went to heaven so peter said rocky
16:06glad to see you glad to see you and he gave me a long white gown some very nice wings retractable
16:15and a diamond studded harp all right rabbit eater what about you
16:21oh well i went to sleep last night and i just went to sleep like that and right away i had a dream that
16:32both of you had died and gone to heaven to see saint peter so as you were both gone i got up and eaten so
16:40i got a story here i wouldn't give you a salami and a bunny for mori we'll start with you all right
17:05all right start with more it's about a newly married couple oh i heard it i heard like a lot of
17:11brides she wasn't too good in uh kitchen department you know so his first day she's gonna fix dinner for
17:19him what did she fix beans the only thing she knew how to fix beans boston style no boston style beans
17:25and for like a week every night they had boston style beans and one night he came in and she was boiling
17:30the beans and he looked in this big pot of beans and there was a string bean in there navy beans all
17:35navy beans and he's what is that and he says convoy well this had nothing to do with it
17:44well about the third week he comes home and he says baby what do we got for dinner tonight
17:50she said beans beans beans beans that's all you make beans beans he started to scream at her she sat
17:55down started to cry he's what's the matter she says but three weeks every night she said i made beans
18:00for you you didn't say anything now all of a sudden you don't like beans
18:10beautiful 94 94. we'll be back in a moment to continue this round on three of food right after
18:17these words on can you talk
18:27all right on store 99 has to be stopped that's the home viewer store that richard uh was able to garner
18:32mr joseph scozillo of the bronx new york we're trying to top his story we'll go to jerry uh mahoney
18:36oh all right look do me a favor don't stop me in the middle this time because you know i got more
18:43class i wouldn't i wouldn't do a thing like anyway this is a story about food see yeah i thought we
18:52were raided this is a story about food see but it happens to be a food eating contest at one of those
18:57county fairs and everybody's sitting around and the guy shoots the gun and they start going and boy they
19:02start eating and this guy at the end he's eating like there was no tomorrow and he's eating maury's
19:07beans and he's putting in a pot full of sausages and peppers and he's eating a big pizza and he has
19:13four beefsteaks and meatballs and salami and sausages and he's stuffing his mouth he has 12 steins of beer
19:20and he has a seven pies and whipped cream and he's pushing it off and finally they ring the bell
19:25and he's the winner and they give him a big a big silver cup and they congratulate him and they say
19:30what have you got to say and he said gee fellas don't let my wife hear about this because i won't
19:36get any dinner if i get home
19:43i quit 93 and another 25 dollars for uh mr if i get home
19:49paul gets the funniest look at his face when he realizes he's done the punch and there's more
19:54fellas don't let my wife dinner i won't get any if she hears about it when i
20:01oh that's great performance he's like a rod he's the rod sterling of rod sterling
20:06rod sterling
20:13should i do the dirty one more
20:16fella goes to a restaurant says i want some chicken i like i'm starting to do you already
20:21i want chicken guys well if you want chicken how do you like to cook i want it broiled you were in
20:34the middle of ronald coleman you went to george sanders and he came up with james mason on the
20:38raft he lays off under so many names anyhow this fellow says i want broiled chicken nothing will
20:48help this joke i might as well have a good time i want broiled chicken you have fresh killed chickens
20:53here wait yes sir freshly killed chickens every hour good i want a fresh chicken i want it broiled with
20:58oregano i want some soup and greens on it i want a little bit of tea leaves some rosemary and thyme
21:03and rosemary and thyme and boil that chicken i love broiled chicken now the guy sits down he's
21:09waiting he's reading the paper reads the menu upside down looks for broads and nothing no chicken
21:13an hour an hour and a half later where's my chicken the waiter comes out and mickey paulton says
21:17where's my chicken he says i'm sorry to say but the chef hasn't killed it yet but he's getting in some
21:22nasty blows
21:30good job who is that ronald coleman don't tell my wife really nobody uh
21:37tops mr scuzzillo of the bronx new york he happens to be the godfather also you get the impact stereo
21:44cassette and our thanks to you from the story from bronx new york we'll be back in just a moment
21:52we're about out of time i want to thank our panel for being great as usual i want to thank mr jack
22:00carter yeah paul winchel and friends and of course laurie amster and richard dawson
22:10we'll see you tomorrow and can you top this goodbye air transportation furnished by the people
22:17of american airlines who want everyone to make themselves at home the american way transportation
22:22and promotional consideration provided by hertz where you don't just rent a car you win a company
22:47you're going to be on can you top this one
22:54and what are you two dummies doing here well we're going to be on can you top this well you can't be on can
23:16you top this unless you have jokes yeah that's right maury have you got the jokes yeah forget
23:20the joke forget it i should have brought the television set oh why the television set but that's
23:25where i left the joke yeah that's where you both left the joke yeah on the television set yeah we sure did
23:46so
23:53you
23:55you
23:55you
23:57you
23:57you