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00:00The
00:30Oh, no, no, no, no.
00:33No, no, no, no, no!
01:03Ah, hello, Father.
01:08Ah, there you are. Isn't it lovely this time of the morning?
01:11It feels like the safest place in the world is so peaceful.
01:14Yes, that is why we are wishing to do it so early.
01:18The Tantric Yoga.
01:20Oh, but it's a bit early for a night class, isn't it?
01:24Oh, Father, the tranquility of the morning is the best time to attain a state of spiritual and physical bliss.
01:33While remaining in harmony with nature.
01:35You are welcome to join us if you wish, Father.
01:37Ah, no, no, no, no, you're grand, you're grand.
01:39It's a bit too early for that sort of thing.
01:42Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing.
01:44No, no, no, no.
01:45It's just that I can't be seen to be doing that sort of thing.
01:48Not that I do do that sort of thing at all, no.
01:50I mean, whether people are looking or not, not at all, no.
01:53Ah, feck it, you know, I've got mass in a half an hour.
01:56The hall is open, yeah?
01:58How are you, Pa?
01:59How are you, Banner?
02:01Pa, what are you up to?
02:03Willie Power has been cleaning out the gurs, Father, on account of the festival coming up.
02:06Oh, yes, the Bachelor Festival.
02:08That's right, Father.
02:08I must say, you have an awful lot of gear.
02:10But it's all for sale, Father.
02:12Ah, no, no, no, no, no, thanks, Pa.
02:14Right you are, Father.
02:21I wonder where everybody is.
02:24Well, we can't wait for anyone else to arrive.
02:27Let's start.
02:28That's nearly it now, Father.
02:35You'll be surprised how much you'll be in it.
02:37Yeah, yeah, I'm sure, Pa, yeah.
02:40Get off!
02:41I feel calm, serene, centred in tune with the universe.
02:51Oh, me too, y'all.
02:57Morning, Father.
02:58Good morning, um, uh...
03:00Bridie, Father.
03:00Bridie, yes, of course, yes, Bridie.
03:03What are you doing?
03:04Shooting rabbits, Father.
03:06Here, would you like one for your tea?
03:08Oh, rabbits!
03:16Bridie!
03:21What the hell was that?
03:24Sorry, sorry, Bridie.
03:29For fuck's sake!
03:31Ah!
03:33You all right, lads?
03:46What the hell is that now?
03:51Here, Peter.
03:52Turn off that old shite.
03:55There's enough pandemonium out there without he adding to it.
03:57Apparently, Father Philip has an irrational fear of rabbits.
04:09Imagine being afraid of rabbits.
04:11I can see how you'd be afraid of them.
04:13Why's that, Dan?
04:14Tranty, I was at it.
04:17At what?
04:18At what, you looter?
04:20By all accounts, Dieter and Miss Fahey were wrapped up in each other, at it, down in the hall.
04:29I heard they were having a whale of a time.
04:31Are you familiar with this tentic yoga, Dan?
04:37What be god I am?
04:38She wasn't that fella from the police always going on about him.
04:40Sergeant Dick?
04:41No, the police band.
04:43The Garda band.
04:45No, the police.
04:47Da-do-do-do.
04:48Da-da-da-da.
04:50Da-do-do-do.
04:52How are you, Father?
04:53Grand, grand, yeah.
04:55Small brandy, please, Theo.
04:57You all right after this morning?
04:58Yeah, fine.
04:59Run off my feet, you know, getting things ready for the bachelor's festival.
05:02That joke.
05:03I thought a lot of bachelors like yourselves would be, you know, up for it.
05:08Up for it?
05:09For three days, the village of Killingschully will be inundated with big, dirty mountain men
05:14who haven't seen a bar of soap since their first Holy Communion.
05:17And you can't talk to them, because if they answer you back, you can't make out a word they're saying.
05:21Come on, it can't be that bad.
05:24Can't it?
05:25They're an awful shower, Father.
05:27And the worst of them is Dirty Mickey.
05:30Last year, when I won the bachelor competition, he pulled down my pants and tossed my hair.
05:35He's a bad loser.
05:36Dirty Mickey.
05:39Why is he called Dirty Mickey?
05:47Because he doesn't wash Father.
05:49Yeah.
05:49Yeah, that's right, Jimmy.
05:57Ladies, get your nails done while you wait.
05:59No thanks, Pa.
06:00I do not understand what you were trying to say to me.
06:03Please, Pa, please, could you help?
06:06Ah, Dirty Mickey, long time no see.
06:08Pa!
06:08Ah, yeah, but I say you're fresh and I look in the sun, now.
06:10Oh, what's this?
06:11Ah, she's a fake tan.
06:13Ah, and it's with all the kind of his dick that's up on nothing, though.
06:16As an exfoliant.
06:17Ah, no, not really.
06:19She'd be more of a maestroising sunblock while still delivering all over just back from Barbadastan.
06:24How will that sound up though they get no slather no run, Mickey, lad?
06:28You could, all right, but you might get a horrid rash over it.
06:30What's this, Timmy?
06:51It's a book Nurse Maloney got me.
06:52Have you halled in yet?
06:55Self-esteem for Agents by Dr Bunty Huckaday-Food.
06:59I think you'll find that PhD, Dan.
07:04Yeah, I know that, Theo.
07:07Here, listen to this.
07:09Imagine that you are a bowl of fruit
07:12full of apples, bananas and plumes.
07:17But one of your plumes is mouldy.
07:20You wouldn't throw out the whole bowl of fruit.
07:23Is one of your plums mouldy to me?
07:25No.
07:26Or maybe he's a bruised banana.
07:29Fuck off the lot of you.
07:30What's wrong with you?
07:31What you're only missing?
07:32I have to get ready.
07:33I'm doing a karate class tonight.
07:35Karate?
07:37Nurse Maloney has me doing karate classes.
07:39Watch out, lads.
07:40Timmy's about to enter the dragon.
07:42Fuck off.
07:46Hello, Father.
07:47How are you, Dieter?
07:48May I have a few quick words for you?
07:50Yeah, what is it?
07:52Well, because of the noise,
07:54Catherine was wondering if we could move the yoga classes later.
07:57Maybe it would be good for people
08:00to realign their chakras at seven in the evening, yeah?
08:03I know what you mean.
08:05I wouldn't even touch my chakras,
08:07like, until well after the Angeles.
08:10What is that, Father?
08:11Nothing, nothing.
08:12Doesn't matter.
08:13Yeah, that'll be no bother.
08:14Seven o'clock it is then.
08:16That'll be a great stretch in the evenings.
08:21Right, um, anything else?
08:23No, Father.
08:24Right, so.
08:24How are you, Father?
08:27Are we all set for tomorrow night?
08:28Tomorrow night?
08:29The art class, Father.
08:31Remember, Father.
08:32I booked a hall for seven.
08:33Oh, so you did, Timmy, yeah.
08:34Yeah, that'll be fine.
08:36Excuse me, Father.
08:37Hold on a minute.
08:39Yes, Dieter.
08:40But we are making the yoga at that time.
08:43Remember, Father.
08:44Oh, right, okay.
08:45Hold on a minute.
08:47The yoga's on at seven.
08:48But we're completely booked out.
08:50Right, hold on a sec.
08:51They're completely booked out.
08:52But what about the chakras?
08:55Right.
08:56What about the chakras?
08:58What about the chakras?
09:00Right.
09:00What?
09:01No, look.
09:02Listen.
09:04You're just going to have to think outside the box and share the hall.
09:07Share the hall?
09:09Yes, share.
09:11What is the card?
09:13What?
09:15Is it a bad time, Father?
09:17Yes.
09:19She has him doing night classes and reading self-improvement books like good.
09:23Well, he's certainly improving.
09:27He and Nurse Maloney are hosting an art class tomorrow night.
09:32An art class?
09:33As well as the karate.
09:35She really has him under the thumb.
09:37But were you not informed?
09:39No.
09:40He never said nothing about an art class.
09:42Well, I never heard of such a stupid caper in all my life.
09:45I suppose they've been drawing out bones of fruit, isn't it?
09:49Timmy's mouldy plums.
09:51Or his bro's banana.
09:54Oh, I don't think there'll be any fruit involved.
09:58I believe they've hired a life model.
10:02What's a life model?
10:04A woman in the altogether.
10:08Altogether what?
10:10Altogether naked.
10:12Naked as in nudie-like.
10:17Is there another kind?
10:22And Timmy's organised this?
10:24He and Nurse Maloney.
10:28Well, I suppose if Timmy's involved, we'd better go down and give it our support.
10:32It's the least we can do, sir.
10:34You're too late.
10:35The class is booked out.
10:39Booked out?
10:40Booked...
10:41You mean to tell me that Ornsock was sitting there all day with a nudie model en route and never mentioned naos about it?
10:48Well, feck him anyway.
10:50Loodle!
10:54The streets at night is like a jungle.
10:59What is the deadliest animal in the jungle?
11:02Sir, sir, sir.
11:03Slime.
11:04Wrong!
11:04Sir!
11:05The tiger.
11:06Wrong!
11:08Dant!
11:09Dant.
11:10Though he's small, he can carry up to five times his own weight.
11:15Oh!
11:16Dant.
11:17Dant.
11:18Dant.
11:20Small, but lethal.
11:24Right.
11:25I need a volunteer.
11:26Here.
11:27Here.
11:28Timmy wants to volunteer.
11:29Here.
11:30Here.
11:30Come on.
11:34Don't mind yourself.
11:35Right.
11:36Remember the four main pressure points.
11:39Here.
11:40Here.
11:41Here.
11:41And here.
11:42Oh!
11:44Right.
11:45Timmy, I want you to attack me.
11:47No.
11:47Come on, just have a go.
11:49I'll be grind.
11:49Come on, Timmy.
11:50Come on, Timmy.
11:50Come on.
11:53Come on, Timmy.
11:54That was pathetic.
11:55I want you to really have a go.
11:57What's that there?
11:58Whoa!
11:59Whoa!
12:04Whoa!
12:05Whoa!
12:05Whoa!
12:05Whoa!
12:10Whoa!
12:10The assailant is thereby decapacitated, while the victim gets to live another day in the jungle that is...
12:18Killing the scully!
12:20That, my friends, is the way of...
12:23Facts!
12:28How are you, Theo?
12:29Sorry.
12:30Excuse me one second.
12:30Sorry.
12:31Dieter, how are you?
12:33Grand and lively tonight, Jacksy?
12:34It's only after dawn on me now.
12:37It's the country women that have ruined the country pub.
12:39These bachelors know how to drink, if they're only state bachelors.
12:43Just like me, huh?
12:45Excuse me.
12:47Oh, Jesus.
12:50If another fella pucks me in the ribs, I lay him out.
12:54Get off me stool, will you, Dieter?
12:56I was here first, Dan.
12:58Fake off me stool and take your towel with you.
13:03Here's your towel, Dieter.
13:06Dieter, listen.
13:06Sorry about earlier on, you know, the double booking.
13:08Oh, there's no problem, Father.
13:10We can do easily our yoga in the corner of the art class.
13:13Oh, fair play, Dieter.
13:14What's this about the art class?
13:16Because now there is a double booking, yeah?
13:19Our yoga class and Timmy's art class must share the whole tomorrow night.
13:23Oh, oh.
13:24Put me down for one of the yoga classes.
13:26I don't say, Dan.
13:27I, uh, didn't have you down as a yoga man.
13:30I shall have a bad back for ages, Father.
13:31No stretch wouldn't do any harm.
13:33She'll put me down as well, Dieter.
13:35I love don't stretch.
13:36This is really good, yeah?
13:38Catherine will be beside himself with excitement.
13:42I have as excited as the two of us.
13:48Okay.
13:48I see a tall, dark, handsome woman in your future.
14:03Great day for Kilna Scully, huh?
14:06Great day?
14:07It's a feckin' embarrassment.
14:09The Kilna Scully Bachelor Festival and not one entrance from Kilna Scully.
14:12Sure, who could enter?
14:14Timmy won it last year, so he can't.
14:16Dan's too old.
14:17Jaxie's too busy.
14:18Father Philip's a priest.
14:19So does that leave.
14:22I have me man.
14:23Go home and change.
14:28Pick a card, Mickey.
14:29Maybe not.
14:34Knock, knock.
14:38Do it again.
14:39Knock, knock.
14:41Do it again.
14:42Knock, knock.
14:47Thanks, and you're all very welcome.
14:49I'm not going to keep you long now because there are five very...
14:51Madam, six.
14:53Six?
14:54Six very nervous contestants backstage, and I don't want to delay them.
14:57So without further ado, let me introduce the mistress of ceremonies for today,
15:02the lovely Goretti.
15:09Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
15:11I love a warm hand on my entrance.
15:15It's an honor for me to host the bachelor competition,
15:18and I think, Father, you should have entered yourself.
15:20Ah, Goretti, I haven't entered anything for a long time.
15:24Oh?
15:25Father, how?
15:28As Father Eno joins Timmy at the judging panel,
15:31I'd like you to welcome our very first contestant of the evening,
15:35all the way from Raccooli,
15:37Dirty Mickey Mullins.
15:39Goodbye, Mickey.
15:40Goodbye.
15:42And how are you, Mickey?
15:44I'm so excited.
15:44I'm so excited.
15:45I'm so excited.
15:47Oh, that about says it all, doesn't it?
15:49I tell you, I can't do it.
15:56I've got no party trick.
15:57Can you juggle?
15:59No, sir.
16:00Can you do any magic?
16:01No.
16:01Can you sing?
16:03No.
16:04Can you dance?
16:07Well.
16:09Knock, knock.
16:10Who's there?
16:11Woody.
16:12Woody who?
16:13No.
16:13No.
16:14No.
16:15We'll never know who tos.
16:18I suppose that's what I call a slip jig.
16:30Is it the Nine of Clubs?
16:37No.
16:38King of Hearts?
16:40No.
16:41Two of Spades?
16:44Seven of Clubs?
16:45Oh, yes.
16:46Yes.
16:47Yes.
16:48Yes.
16:48Seven of Clubs.
16:52Try this in rehearsal.
16:53Earlier on, sort of backfired.
16:55We're going to give it a blast anyhow.
17:00That gives a whole new meaning to fire down below.
17:11Now, our final contestant of the evening,
17:14all the way from killing the scully,
17:16ladies and gentlemen, Mr Jimmy Park.
17:23Now, Jimmy, I have a question for you.
17:26You want to treat a woman to a romantic night in.
17:29What would you do?
17:31I'd run her a bat.
17:34And give her a good wash.
17:38And I'd give her a massage.
17:41And a feed of chocolate.
17:44Twix, Kit Kat, Moro, that type of thing.
17:47Well done, Jimmy.
17:48Well done.
17:49All right, Jimmy.
17:50Now, Jimmy, I believe you're going to finish with a performance piece
17:54inspired by the late great mime artist, Jacques Cousteau.
17:59Take it away, Jimmy.
18:01Come on, Jimmy.
18:01Come on, Jimmy.
18:04Come on, Jimmy.
18:21Come on, Jimmy.
18:24Ladies and gentlemen, I think our judges have come to a decision.
18:41We have.
18:43The winner of the Willie Powell's Power Tools and Plantar, Kilna Scully, King of the Bachelors,
18:492008, is...
18:52Get on with it, will you?
18:55She's just building up the tension, you know, like they do in the X Factor.
18:58That'll build it up in her old time. I have a pint waiting at Jack's.
19:01Good night or day!
19:06And the winner is Jimmy Bach!
19:13Oh, yes! Yes!
19:16Well done.
19:18Now, last year's winner of the Bachelor Competition, Timmy Higgins, will relinquish his crown.
19:24Yay!
19:29I Giggins!
19:31Whoo!
19:32Whoo!
19:33Whoo!
19:34Whoo!
19:35Whoo!
19:36Whoo!
19:37mentreangely
19:41Dirty Mickey, put the crown down, slowly, let go, step back from the crown, Jimmy, take
20:03him down. Hit it! Come on, Jimmy! All the men? Well done, Jimmy. What a couple of points there
20:28for the lads, Chexy. Just a couple of shots, Chexy. We have to go down to the yoga class
20:32in a minute. That Dirty Mickey's a sore loser. Oh, he is. He's a very sore loser now with
20:37the puck I gave him. Where's he now, Dick? He's down below in the station. Heavily sedated.
20:45You better make sure you give him plenty of whatever he's dating with, cos he's a bull
20:48of a man. Not enough of a man for all, Jimmy, here. Well, you know what they say. It takes
20:54a man to do a man's job. Ha! That's wise. Come on, Jimmy. Good luck, Chexy. Good luck with
21:09him.
21:13Manna!
21:25Follow me, Mary. You can get ready up here.
21:28Now, breathe into your diaphragm, hold that breath,
21:32breathe out slowly and stretch.
21:36Jimmy, I think that's hold with Norse Maloney.
21:39Come on, Dan, Jimmy, squeeze those mullabungas.
21:44What are mullabungas?
21:55Mama!
22:04Shanty.
22:05Did she come out yet?
22:07I didn't see her.
22:10I'll try another look.
22:17How are you, Timmy?
22:19Oh, how are you, Dan?
22:25Model.
22:30Are you ready, Sol?
22:31Model!
22:36Model!
22:37Timmy, help!
22:39Timmy, help!
22:41Model!
22:45Timmy!
22:47Timmy!
22:48Do something!
22:51Remember the four main pressure points.
22:54Here, here, here, and here.
23:05Hang!
23:06Yeah!
23:09Ooh!
23:12Ooh!
23:13Ooh!
23:14Ooh!
23:15Ooh!
23:17Ooh!
23:18Ooh!
23:19Ooh!
23:20Yeah!
23:21Ooh!
23:22What a man!
23:23I'm not a man. I am...
23:27That.
23:30That's on the house. For sorting out that dirty Mickey fella.
23:33Thanks, Jacksy.
23:34We wouldn't have to be sorting him out if it wasn't for that bachelor festival attracting him.
23:38I'll tell you something, lads.
23:39Those mountain men are the most ignorant, stupid, uneducated Amadons that ever walked the earth.
23:45You're right, then. Good matter, then.
23:47Cheers.
23:51Don't tell me.
23:52What is it, Merlock?
23:54What is it?
23:55What is it?
23:56Plum.
23:57Well done, old chap.
23:59You never left it.
24:01Oh, you great snot.
24:05Oh, shall I?
24:07Oh, jeez.
24:09You're never going to get your model now.
24:11What?
24:12Certainly, sir.
24:13Madam?
24:17Hey, guys.
24:32engineers