A listener sent a photo to Dave and it had him ready to quit the show. The photo was a close-up of a listeners hemorrhoid and we have all been affected by it.
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00:00Hi.
00:08What's up?
00:10Everyone good?
00:11Hello.
00:12Hi, Dave.
00:13Yeah.
00:14Hello, hello.
00:15Good to see you all.
00:16So I'm done with the show.
00:20Oh, good.
00:21Oh, my God.
00:22Yeah.
00:22This is great news.
00:24Oh, this is great news.
00:26Figured I'd tell you.
00:27I don't think the rest of us are.
00:28Oh, no.
00:30Oh, nothing lasts forever.
00:31I've got to figure yourself out, I guess.
00:32Nothing lasts forever.
00:34Got a few plans.
00:35Nothing lasts forever.
00:36I have some plans.
00:38Ah, because a listener sent a pic of his hemorrhoid.
00:42Oh.
00:43Good night.
00:44And good night.
00:45That is it.
00:47I'm good.
00:47I don't see emails.
00:48Good night.
00:48I don't see anything anybody says or sends or anything.
00:51It was foretold in the prophecy.
00:52They can hate me all they want.
00:53Yeah.
00:54Oh, yeah, I know.
00:55The prophecies speak of the hemorrhoid.
00:56The great hemorrhoid.
00:58Yeah.
01:00It opened before I had a chance to process what it is.
01:05That's terrible.
01:06Could you tell?
01:07You probably couldn't even tell.
01:08It was almost like, what am I looking at?
01:09What am I looking at?
01:10Honestly, I'm a naive man.
01:12Is that a plum?
01:13I'm looking at a plum?
01:14What is dear affing Lord?
01:17Man holding a plum?
01:18Why would someone do that?
01:20Mental illness?
01:21Yeah.
01:22I mean, yeah.
01:22I'm just glad I left that email for Dave.
01:25I did not touch that one.
01:27Mental illness.
01:28Was there a title on the email?
01:30Worst fears.
01:31Why would you do that?
01:32Oh, worst fears.
01:33That's how you get Dave.
01:34Was it his?
01:36Yes, Lisa.
01:36He took a picture of his hemorrhoid.
01:38Or was it just that Dave knew that it was your worst fear, so then they sent you a hemorrhoid?
01:45That's what it is, I think.
01:46I think so, too.
01:47That's a jerk move.
01:48I don't think it was that person's hemorrhoid.
01:51No, it's his.
01:53Whoever this person was.
01:54How do you know?
01:54Well, I don't know.
01:55I don't know for sure.
01:56I can't.
01:56I mean, I didn't do a lineup.
01:59Side by side, bend over, screw it.
02:01He just probably did that as a mess with you.
02:03It looks like a self-taken picture.
02:05Oh, sure.
02:05Is that what I want to say?
02:06It doesn't look like a professional job.
02:08I was going to say, like, with a hemorrhoid pic, do you use that feature where it's like
02:13three, two, one?
02:15I think you do, and then you give a little squat, you know?
02:18I like your little.
02:18Get a little catcher stance.
02:19Can't flow out there.
02:20Yeah.
02:21Are you about to show everyone this?
02:24Well, if I suffered through it.
02:25Oh, I'm not.
02:25Oh, no, no.
02:26Nah.
02:27If I suffered through it.
02:29No, why?
02:30You're the one.
02:31Because why do I?
02:32I have to see all the emails.
02:33I have to see all the hemorrhoids.
02:35You don't have to.
02:36I can see a hemorrhoid.
02:37It's not going to bother me.
02:37If it keeps you from quitting, I'll jump on the grenade and look at it.
02:40Yeah.
02:41Don't leave.
02:42He'll push real hard in the bathroom and get one this day.
02:45Sure.
02:46Dave's not leaving anymore, so don't worry about it.
02:48No, I know.
02:49I wanted to.
02:50I really wanted.
02:50Today, I was literally just going to be like, turn off the computer.
02:54Get back into my car and go home.
02:56But you're building a home.
02:58I really.
02:59Yeah.
02:59Yeah.
03:00But the problem is the home that you want to go to is woods.
03:05Just wood.
03:06Think about that boat.
03:07That's fine.
03:07I'll live in the woods.
03:08Think about that boat.
03:09Yeah.
03:11Boat plans on hold.
03:12That's what you got to do to get you through.
03:14Yeah.
03:15He should have put like a little boat symbol over the hemorrhoid.
03:18So he started the email like this.
03:21I'm currently experiencing a level three out of four hemorrhoid.
03:26Yeah.
03:26Imagine a four out of four.
03:27I didn't know they had levels.
03:28Worst pain ever can barely sit down.
03:32And then he gave you a snapshot, huh?
03:36Yeah.
03:36At least you go ahead and turn that right off.
03:37No, I'm going to look at it.
03:38And I think that you should actually print it out and post it up.
03:42Yeah.
03:42Right under that Dave and Chuck the Freak sign.
03:44And so that every day when we come in, we know who we're talking to.
03:48Exposure.
03:49Yes, that's smart.
03:50That's our listener.
03:51They always say, put a picture up of who you're talking to.
03:54That's what I'm saying.
03:54So we're talking to this guy's hemorrhoid.
03:56There's a consultant that was paid $15,000 to $20,000 to come in and say that to us about 17 years ago.
04:03Ready?
04:04Dude, when this is all over, I'm going to be a consultant and I'm going to do this.
04:08Oh my God, you have to.
04:09Write it down.
04:10I'll tell you this.
04:11I'm going to be like, I'm an expert.
04:12Yeah, Andy.
04:13That's a P1.
04:14That's a priority one listener.
04:16Yep.
04:17But that's a hemorrhoid.
04:18That's a butthole.
04:19You got to speak directly to it.
04:21Yep.
04:21Okay, here we go.
04:22Let's go.
04:22Okay, let's see it.
04:23It's the final countdown.
04:24I was just trying to stall this.
04:26I'll just do it.
04:28I've seen hemorrhoids a million times.
04:30Jesus God.
04:30Oh, yeah.
04:31That's why I wanted to leave.
04:33This is why I was.
04:34It looks like a little snowman.
04:36I don't think.
04:36That's the worst snowman I've ever seen.
04:38Almost threw up.
04:39Thank you, Lisa.
04:40That's pretty gross.
04:41That is repulsive.
04:43I don't even know.
04:43I can't even explain it.
04:45Why did he do that?
04:45What's this person's name?
04:46Don't say it on the air, but does he put it in his?
04:49Yeah, yeah.
04:49Can you even imagine liking the top of the page?
04:54Yeah, like can't even imagine really.
04:57Oh, she's doing a deep dive.
04:59Jesus.
05:00You love you love something.
05:01You love an actor.
05:03You love a show.
05:03You love whatever it is.
05:05And you're like, you know, I love a couple bands and I'm like, you know what?
05:08These guys need to see.
05:10Yeah.
05:10My butthole.
05:11It can't be his.
05:13It can't be his butthole.
05:13Oh, I think it is.
05:15Doesn't that look like I just took that shot?
05:19Oh, yeah.
05:19That's his.
05:20Yeah, it does.
05:21I have to say.
05:22My muscle reflex literally wanted to shut my monitor off.
05:26I know.
05:27Like it was standing there.
05:28That hemorrhoid was there for like 30 seconds or something.
05:31Is that what they look like, boys?
05:32That one is.
05:33His looks like a quadruple.
05:36Do you know what it looks like?
05:37I know what it looks like.
05:38I've never seen one.
05:39I've never seen one.
05:39I've taken a look.
05:41You have?
05:41Yeah.
05:42I don't want to talk about that.
05:43Why did I just ask you that?
05:45Oh, what else do you want to know?
05:46Chuck, what did yours look like?
05:47I don't know why I asked you that.
05:49Like a tiny grape.
05:50Like one of those tiny purple grapes.
05:57Okay.
05:58I assume.
05:58Enough of your ass grapes.
05:59That you didn't look at it.
06:02So that's maybe why I asked.
06:03I don't know why my mind is so.
06:05No, I've told you.
06:06I've said like when you've got something going on back there and you start to get worried
06:10about it.
06:10I hate this show.
06:11Give it like a check.
06:13I do.
06:13And you're like, oh.
06:14Not bad.
06:15I have a lot of hate with it.
06:16I'm fine.
06:17This guy's must feel like he has a watermelon between his cheeks.
06:22That's how big this thing is.
06:24Listen, you guys.
06:25Here's the deal.
06:25With his guts.
06:26The snowman's guts are coming out.
06:27Let's talk this out right now.
06:28Okay.
06:28Let's talk this out.
06:29I feel like a lot of you would love if we kept the show going for a long time.
06:33Oh, yeah.
06:34And we're willing to do that.
06:35Are we?
06:36As long as you stop sending your hemorrhoids.
06:38You got to stop.
06:39Oh, I don't know about that.
06:40Yeah, you have to stop.
06:40You got to stop sending your hemorrhoids.
06:42It is a wild thing.
06:44Yeah.
06:44Because of what we talk about.
06:46I get it.
06:47But we don't send that to anybody.
06:50No.
06:50It's jokes, right?
06:51I mean, when they talk about this stuff, it's jokes.
06:54We've seen every part.
06:56Like, if you sent us a hemorrhoid meme that someone created, but it's like not your own.
07:02It's not your own.
07:03You're like just who are like hemorrhoids.
07:05And it's something that's out there in the universe.
07:08You know, you send us the blue waffle.
07:10We expect that kind of stuff.
07:11But squatting over.
07:12So crazy to take your own.
07:14Your phone.
07:15So personal.
07:16And taking a picture and sending.
07:18Taking a picture of your anal hemorrhoid.
07:20Spreading your cheeks.
07:21And sending it to your favorite radio show.
07:23You need to evaluate why you're doing that.
07:25What's going on?
07:26I just wonder if.
07:27That's not normal behavior.
07:28I mean, there can't be a moment of regret, right?
07:30Because I like feel like.
07:31There is now.
07:32Like in my like moments of like craziness or partying, if I sent a hemorrhoid pic, like
07:37several hours later when the rubble's cleared and the smoke's gone.
07:41You're in rehab at that moment, right?
07:44When you're at your rehab, you're like, I sent my hemorrhoid.
07:48Yeah.
07:48I'm like, all right, I need a bed, please.
07:51You're knocking on doors.
07:52Earlier this morning, I sent a radio show a picture of a giant hemorrhoid I have.
07:56Yeah.
07:56So I'm going to need some assistance with my drug use.
07:59Yeah.
08:00Can you get me into a bed?
08:01Yeah.
08:02Oh, if you guys, that's him.
08:04Let me see.
08:05Let me see.
08:05Let me see.
08:05Oh, come on.
08:06I mean, that's almost him pushing right now.
08:09Oh, no.
08:10Yeah.
08:11Oh, yeah.
08:12That is him.
08:14Mm-hmm.
08:15Yeah.
08:15That's what I don't understand about hemorrhoids is like, I'm a fat guy.
08:18My diet's been precarious for a long time.
08:21Yeah.
08:21I guess I just haven't strained a lot.
08:23And that's why.
08:24That's what it is.
08:25That's what it is.
08:25I have made a conscious effort through my life not to.
08:28Yeah.
08:28I don't really strain.
08:29I mean, when I was on the weight loss drug, I strained.
08:31Oh, yeah.
08:32You'll strain.
08:33That's the problem.
08:34Once again.
08:35I know.
08:36Sorry about that.
08:36Yes.
08:37I couldn't imagine doing, like, being at craft time, just, you know, telling my story to
08:42the rest of the drug addicts.
08:43The groups.
08:43Yeah.
08:44I'm just like, hey, you know, I sent a hemorrhoid to a radio show.
08:48Like, all of them would get sober.
08:50Some would leave.
08:51Yeah.
08:51Some would just leave.
08:52Right?
08:53Like, I'm okay now.
08:54I just got fixed.
08:55Right.
08:56You know, I'll never do it again.
08:57Your story made me brave.
08:59Yeah.
09:00And I realized I'm okay.
09:02That's why when I go home, I don't talk about anything that happens here.
09:07No.
09:08Like, I don't talk about the show.
09:09How was your day?
09:10You gotta leave it at work.
09:11You gotta leave it at work.
09:12This is what I'll talk about?
09:14Well, a guy sent a picture of his hemorrhoids.
09:16His hemorrhoids, yeah.
09:16Yeah.
09:17Crazy day today.
09:18I mean, who has a day like that?
09:20You should have seen this listener's hemorrhoid.
09:23No one has a day like that at work.
09:24No.
09:25No.
09:25My girlfriend asked me just yesterday what I did, and I was like, it was just a regular
09:28day.
09:29It's fine.
09:31Amber's like, you're always so quiet.
09:32You never shared it.
09:33Never.
09:33Because what am I going to talk to you about?
09:35It's like a war story.
09:36Boners and hemorrhoids?
09:38No.
09:39No.
09:40Oh.
09:40You know, she's like, I had these cute dogs and all this.
09:43Yeah, I told you, she's got the best job.
09:46It's 6.15 a.m. this morning.
09:48I saw a man's hemorrhoid.
09:50Good morning.
09:51It's like the first thing we did.
09:53Yeah, yeah.
09:53Violently close.
09:54That's like, we did, we like clocked in.
09:57We're like, shh, what do we got?
09:58Yeah.
09:59Butto!
09:59Yeah!
10:01Oh, wake up!
10:03Yeah, wake up is right.
10:07I mean, okay, and here's just another thing.
10:10If I'm going to send my butthole to anybody, boy, am I going to take care of the area.
10:16I'm going to clean it up a bit.
10:18Oh my God, it is the hairiest.
10:18I'm going to do something.
10:20But you saw the guy.
10:21I know.
10:23Yeah.
10:24It probably smells, too.
10:26Oh, it's bad.
10:26Oh, Lisa!
10:28Ah, fuck!
10:29She's right.
10:30It probably does.
10:30I don't want to think of that guy's smelling hemorrhoid ass!
10:33It smells.
10:35At least.
10:36There's no way he can clean it properly.
10:38Because if you've got something like that, I don't know if you really looked close on that hemorrhoid.
10:42It's too tender, right?
10:43But there's a snowman, and then there's something.
10:47Is that on the hill?
10:49Or is it a...
10:49I believe it's the hole.
10:51The hill?
10:52Well, I believe it is the hill world.
10:56I believe you're seeing the innards of the hole.
10:59Is it the hill world?
11:01I do.
11:02The innards of the hill world.
11:03Because I couldn't tell if it was on the top, like the top, you know?
11:06I think it's around the O-ring.
11:09You know, that's what this guy has.
11:11And it's an external one.
11:13Al, where's the end of the show music?
11:15Do you have it there?
11:16Can you play it for us, please?
11:18I sure do, Dave.
11:19That's going to do it for us here.
11:22I think everyone should save this.
11:24Oh, man, that'd be so great.
11:25Have a great happy Halloween, everybody.
11:27Oh, yeah.
11:28Bye.
11:28Yeah.
11:30That is Halloween style.
11:33That's our Halloween.
11:34That's it?
11:34But this is just the beginning of the show.
11:36Do you know how many more things that we have coming up?
11:38Oh, Halloween stupid stuff.
11:40I promise you, it'll be the worst.
11:41Are you sure?
11:42Oh, I don't.
11:42I promise you.
11:43I mean, there's death, probably.
11:44There is.
11:45There is one.
11:45There's dark-sided.
11:46Every day we do dark-sided.
11:48It's like...
11:48It's just life.
11:49There's many ways to skin a cat.
11:51Yeah.
11:53There's a list about Halloween best things.
11:56There's none of that.
11:57No?
11:57Nope.
11:58There's got to be some Halloween stuff.
11:59Well, it's good that there's Halloween.
12:01There's ghost stories coming up.
12:02We don't know that.
12:02When I saw that hemorrhoid, I heard a witch's cackle.
12:05Oh, yeah.
12:07Yeah.
12:08Or the emperor.
12:10Yeah.
12:10I mean, I understand why we burned a few people back in the day, because if you would have
12:15thought some lady gave you that...
12:18Right?
12:18You'd just kill her.
12:19Yeah.
12:19Yeah.
12:21Yeah, see, he loves it.
12:22He sent it.
12:23That was his.
12:24No.