Murphy Brown Season 6 Episode 17 The Anchorman
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00:00Here. Found it.
00:03Murphy, you're wasting your time.
00:05The IRS is not going to accept a grocery receipt as a legitimate tax write-off.
00:10Hey, I was standing in line, a guy asked if I was Murphy Brown.
00:13I said yes. He said, how's the show going?
00:15I said fine. He said, keep up the good work.
00:17I said I will.
00:18In my book, that's a business discussion.
00:20And I think she's only been audited four times.
00:26Hey, it's not my fault.
00:27My accountant tells me I need more deductions, but the government keeps changing the rules.
00:31Retroactive tax. Good thing there's not a retroactive vote.
00:38Murphy, you remember that VCR we bought Eddie the shoeshine guy when he retired?
00:42How much did that cost?
00:43What difference does it make? You didn't contribute anything.
00:46I didn't? Well, I meant to. That should count for something.
00:50Hey, did any of you know someone who could help me with my taxes?
00:53I know your uncle did your taxes.
00:54Not anymore. At last year's Fourth of July celebration, he went around blabbing to everyone
01:00about how much money I made.
01:01Next thing I knew, six aldermen were shoving a prospectus in my face and asking me to buy the town.
01:07I'm sorry. I love Nebo, but who wants to own a place that leads the country on gator-related debts?
01:15Murphy and I have used the same accountant for quite some time, and we've been very satisfied.
01:19Haven't we, Sligger?
01:19Yeah, through them.
01:22Does anyone remember the time we were going to do a story on some performer and we saw them
01:26at the Kennedy Center? Or maybe it was Ford's Theater. It was last June or February, and
01:31they sang or danced or something?
01:33You're not talking about the symphony, are you?
01:35Yeah, that's it.
01:36How much did those tickets cost?
01:38Nothing. They gave them to us for free.
01:40Oh, well, I would have bought them, as you can, for something.
01:43You people and the way you do your taxes, it's also quaint watching you put along the single-lane
01:52dirt road of yesterday while I zoom by on the dazzling new information superhighway of tomorrow.
01:59No, it wasn't to him. He spent $350 on a computer tax program, and suddenly it's me, George Jensen.
02:05No, just be frank. This program is worth every penny, at least for someone like me, someone
02:12who's not earning your salaries, even though I work the same hours, have more responsibilities.
02:18Don't feel too bad, Miles. Bigger salaries only mean bigger headaches. Here, look. Look
02:23at these investment brochures my accountant sent. Frozen yogurt franchises, video rental store.
02:31Almost makes me wish I hadn't done so well in the stock market this year.
02:33Gee, Jim, where do I donate to that charity?
02:37Wait a minute. You cleaned up in the stock market? We have the same accountant. How come
02:42I didn't clean up in the stock market?
02:43Well, I have no idea. He gave me advice. I took it. What did you do?
02:47I ignored him. Why? If he knows so much, why is he just an accountant?
02:53So, what's he telling you this year? Small business, is he sick?
02:57Yes. If it succeeds, wonderful. If it fails, it's a tax write-off.
03:00Oh. And, um, what kind of small business were you thinking of?
03:04Well, if you must know, a piano bar.
03:07A piano bar? Who's your accountant, Bobby Short?
03:12You've never mentioned a piano bar to me.
03:15Gee, he's feeding you the hot tips and leaving me out in the cold.
03:18You know, you make one little joke about a guy's hair weave.
03:23No, really. The bar wasn't Sid's idea. It's just something I've been toying with over the years.
03:30As a matter of fact, Slicker, I'm looking at a place this evening.
03:35You're welcome to join me if you'd like.
03:36Wait a minute. If this is such a hot investment, why are you so quick to let me in on it?
03:44What is your game, Jim?
03:47You can only hear yourself.
03:49I want you to come tonight, so when you don't invest, I won't have to listen to you bellyache
03:53about how I froze you out of a golden opportunity.
03:55Oh, you're so sure I'm not going to invest?
03:59Well, let me tell you, I will gladly invest my money if I think it's the smart thing to do.
04:03So, I'm not as tight with a buck as everyone thinks I am.
04:06Now, if you'll excuse me, it's a business meal.
04:09I have a show of hands of everyone I took out to lunch last year.
04:15Well, I thought about it. That should count for something.
04:26So, Phil, what's your expert opinion?
04:28Please, I'm still working here.
04:33Come on, Phil, we've been here an hour already.
04:42What is it, thumbs up or thumbs down?
04:45First, I need your assurance that buying this place won't affect your undying loyalty to Phil.
04:51Oh, boy, here we go.
04:52Phil, I wouldn't even consider this venture if it weren't on the opposite side of town from you.
04:56We promise we won't have lunch anywhere else.
04:58Okay, then. But you should know, going in, that eight out of ten eating establishments fail within the first year.
05:06I'm out. You coming to...
05:07Oh, no, wait a minute.
05:09Every investment carries some risk. Let's shoot the man out.
05:12What more do you need to hear? He basically said you'd have to be a fool to go into the restaurant business.
05:16Or, you know, be born into it.
05:21Right. Now, there are a few things working in your favor.
05:26There's a movie theater nearby, so the foot traffic should be good.
05:30Taking that into account with the floor plan, the customer capacity, the not-too-unpleasant slope of the bar.
05:37I'd say your chances for success are 51%.
05:4351%? That's it?
05:46Okay, maybe 52% if you put cheese fries on the menu.
05:50Now, I gotta get back to the bar.
05:53If you do decide to take the plunge, here's two bits of advice.
05:57Always buy toothpicks in bulk and stay away from the cutesy drink names.
06:01I did it once, and trust me, you can't give away a bloody Mary Alice Williams.
06:09Thanks, Phil.
06:12Well, you can't say we didn't at least look.
06:18That's right.
06:19Take it all in one last time so you can be convinced this is definitely not the way to go.
06:26Murphy, you look around and you see four bare walls and a couple of dusty tables.
06:32I look around, you know what I see?
06:36I see London.
06:41Sure.
06:43Sure, how could I have missed it?
06:45But there's Buckingham Palace, and there's Piccadilly Circus.
06:49All right, ladies and gentlemen, let me explain.
06:52The year was 1958,
06:55and I had just landed a plum assignment,
06:58London Correspondent to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
07:01To this gangly young sprout from the Midwest was a dream come true.
07:08It's a dream, that is, except for the loneliness.
07:12Then, one night,
07:13as I was walking along the streets of that coal-blackened city thinking of home,
07:18I found a new one.
07:20Oh, from the outside, it wasn't much.
07:22Just a pub.
07:24But inside, magic.
07:29Intellectuals, rubbed elbows with stage actors,
07:32playwrights and journalists regaled the room with one devilishly ribbled anecdote after another,
07:39and in the corner sat a piano where every night some roguish fellow would sit and play
07:47while the whole bar gathered round and sang.
07:51Well, I'm married now,
07:53I have many wonderful friends,
07:55and yet I still long for a place where a group of revelers can crowd around a piano,
08:04beer mugs in hand,
08:06full of song and good cheer and camaraderie.
08:11This could be that place.
08:19It's a beautiful dream, Jim.
08:22And I have a dream, too.
08:24A dream not to lose my shirt!
08:27This is a bad idea written all over it!
08:30All right, Murdy, you're entitled to your opinion,
08:32and I'm entitled to mine.
08:34It's my dream, it's my investment.
08:37By God, I'm going for it.
08:39Fine, go for it.
08:40But you want to make it a real investment?
08:42Buy the place, insure the hell out of it,
08:44and then pray for a flyer.
08:45Yeah, that's your investment.
08:49What can't you do it?
08:50What kind of an accountant are you?
08:52Oh, fine, fine.
08:53Just send me over to the papers and I'll find them.
08:56Talk to you.
08:57Told him what?
08:58Uh, nothing.
09:00Frank tried to claim his old girlfriend, Cynthia, as a dependent.
09:05Cynthia?
09:06Two weekends in September, Cynthia?
09:09Why, can't you get me a job as an anchor, Cynthia?
09:11How could you passively claim her as a dependent?
09:14I don't know.
09:15I just thought if I'd get him for a...
09:16He loaned her $4,000.
09:21You what?
09:22Well, look, she really needed the money.
09:23She was between jobs.
09:25And she wanted to try ballet lessons.
09:29Oh, man, I am going to take such a bath on my taxes.
09:32Well, maybe next year you should use Jim and Murphy's accountant.
09:36I did, and I'm getting a nice little refund back.
09:38Wait a minute.
09:39You're getting a refund back?
09:41I made twice as much as you do, and I've never gotten a refund back.
09:45What makes you think you make twice as much as I do, Murphy?
09:49Oh, please.
09:50You ask me to hold your purse when you go to the restroom,
09:52and the purse is open, and you expect me not to glance at your pace, Doug?
10:01Hey, Miles, you look as bad as I feel.
10:04What happened?
10:05What happened?
10:06I slipped into a big rig on the information superhighway.
10:09That's what happened.
10:12My computer crashed, and not even the jaws of life
10:14could extract my taxes from the burning wreckage.
10:19That's terrible.
10:20Is it true, Murphy, makes twice as much as I do?
10:24I told you never to let her hold your purse.
10:30Oh, God.
10:32I had it planned out so perfectly.
10:34My taxes were going to slip in on little cat's feet,
10:38lost in a flood of millions.
10:40Now they're going to arrive late and be pounced on by 12 IRS wonks
10:43with nothing better to do than audit me for this year's a distant following.
10:4617th floor, men's apparel, my stock.
10:53Good morning, you want to know?
10:57Well, well, well.
10:58Who sprinkled a happy dust on your cereal this morning?
11:02I have the slightest idea what you're talking about.
11:04Wait, Jim, I didn't know better.
11:06I'd say you were giddy.
11:08Oh, well, you found me out.
11:10I am giddy.
11:11Giddy is a schoolgirl.
11:12My bar has only been open one week,
11:15and, ladies and gents, the joint is jumping.
11:18Well, place is doing well, huh?
11:20Good call, Murph.
11:21Hey, I'm not too big to admit that I was wrong,
11:25and maybe Jim was right.
11:26Maybe he made a shrewd investment,
11:28an investment I chose to pass up.
11:30You knew something and didn't tell me, right?
11:32Because you wanted to keep all the profits for yourself.
11:36How much money do you need, Jim?
11:38How much is enough for you?
11:42I'm right.
11:43I'm happy for you, Jim.
11:45I really am.
11:45You're all still planning to come down to the Anchorman tonight.
11:51Miles, will you be coming?
11:53Are you kidding?
11:54This return is late enough as it is.
11:56No, no.
11:56Tonight, it's just gonna be me, my taxes,
11:59and a nice big pot of coffee.
12:06I thought I'd probably be leaving.
12:15Wow, Jim really went all out.
12:20This place is beautiful.
12:22Yeah, and packed.
12:23Oh, please, this place isn't packed.
12:25Murph, they were stacked three deep at the bar,
12:28and it took us five minutes to get past all the people at the door.
12:30Oh, well, sure, if that's your definition of packed.
12:35Hey, hey, hey, there's Jim.
12:37Hey, hey, Jim.
12:39Jim, hey, come on.
12:40What's a guy have to do to get a drink around here?
12:43Here you are.
12:44That place is so crowded,
12:46I was worried I wouldn't be able to find you.
12:48Sure, if that's your definition of crowded.
12:50So, welcome to the Anchorman.
12:52I'll have a waiter set you up with champagne all around.
12:54And a club suited for you, slicker.
12:56Uh, Jim, where's the ladies room?
12:58In the back on the right.
12:59Murphy, could you hold my purse wide?
13:04Never mind.
13:05I want to come back and find my credit cards missing.
13:09If I wanted them, I wouldn't have to buy them.
13:12Man, talk about jammed.
13:14We'll be lucky if we can get a table.
13:15Please, this place isn't jammed.
13:17Woodstock, now that was jammed.
13:20You know, it never ceases to amaze me.
13:22There are so many single women in this town,
13:24and yet the men always seem to outnumber them in bars.
13:27Well, they sure do here.
13:28Excuse me.
13:29Are you Frank Fontana?
13:31Oh, yeah.
13:32Yes, I am.
13:32Oh, I'm a really big fan.
13:34Would it be too much trouble to get an autograph?
13:36Oh, sure.
13:37No problem.
13:39Here you go.
13:40And, uh...
13:41Hey, thanks for watching.
13:43Thanks.
13:43Oh, I'm gonna put you right between my Stone Phillips and my John Tesh.
13:47Oh, great.
13:51I'm gonna bark five minutes, and already some guy's trying to hit on me.
13:55Excuse me.
13:55I just wanted to...
13:57Yeah, yeah.
13:57I just wanted to tell me how my eyes danced in the moonlight,
14:00how great I look in this outfit,
14:02how you have the perfect hanger for it in your bedroom.
14:06Oh, gosh.
14:07No.
14:08I just wanted to ask if you're Murphy Brown.
14:11Yeah, that's him.
14:13This is great.
14:14My lover owes me $20.
14:16Pay up, Jeffrey.
14:20Here we go.
14:21These are on the house, per Mr. Dyle's request,
14:24and this is from that gentleman over there.
14:31How about that?
14:32I am telling you, another fan.
14:34I'm gonna make the Anchorman my regular place.
14:38What?
14:44Oh, boy.
14:49Okay.
14:50I think I know what everyone's thinking,
14:52and I think we might be jumping the gun.
14:54You're right.
14:54You're right.
14:55You're absolutely right.
14:56Yeah.
14:56I mean, this is Jim's place we're talking about.
14:58Exactly.
15:01Murphy, you have just got to see the ladies' room.
15:03Not only is it empty, but it's spotless.
15:06It's almost as if no one's ever even used it before.
15:10That's weird, sir.
15:11I don't know if you've noticed,
15:13but this place is just crawling with cute guys.
15:16I mean, play your cards right,
15:17and this might be your lucky night.
15:19I don't think so, Corky.
15:21Oh, now.
15:22Don't you sell yourself short.
15:24Lighting like this can just melt years off your skin.
15:27So, do you think Jim knows?
15:31Knows what?
15:32He's got to.
15:32Got to what?
15:33Well, not necessarily.
15:34I mean, look how long it took us.
15:36Yeah, you know, Jim's from another generation.
15:38I mean, the guy still wears hats.
15:39So, you think he doesn't know?
15:41I don't know.
15:42Know what?
15:44That this is a gay bar.
15:46That Jim is running a gay bar.
15:49Gay bar?
15:50Why on earth would Jim be running a...
15:53Oh, my God.
15:55Jim's gay.
16:01Corky, Jim has been married to Doris for 25 years.
16:06Do you think she knows?
16:10And very nice to see you, Congressman Frank.
16:13Well, okay, Barney.
16:17So, is everyone having a good time?
16:20Oh, yes.
16:21Oh, yes.
16:21In fact, we're having a gay old time.
16:25Yep, I'd say everyone here is having a gay old time.
16:30Wouldn't you say so, Jim?
16:32A gay old time?
16:34I hope so.
16:36You know, Jim, I would have to say that the Anchorman
16:38is definitely the kind of place that you could talk,
16:43I don't know, man to man.
16:47Splendid.
16:47That's precisely the sort of atmosphere I was going for.
16:49Oh, you know, Jim, I have been in a lot of bars in my time,
16:56but there's something a little different about this one.
17:00Wouldn't you say so, Jim?
17:01Something a little different?
17:02I was wondering how long it would take you to notice.
17:06Yes, you found me out.
17:08The entire bar is done up in the British style.
17:12The bread fries are chips.
17:14The bathroom is the moo.
17:15Jim, everyone here is gay.
17:17Big pardon?
17:21You mean it's bar?
17:23All the people?
17:24They're gay.
17:26Oh, well, sure, some of them.
17:28Well, I really don't see that that's anybody's business.
17:30Um, well, actually, Jim, it sort of is your business.
17:33Your bar, the Anchorman, is a gay bar.
17:36Well, that's ridiculous.
17:38Just look around.
17:39Oh, my.
17:48Jim, you shouldn't feel...
17:49No, no, no, no, please.
17:51Really.
17:52It doesn't make any difference.
17:53It doesn't make any difference at all.
17:55A customer is a customer.
17:58Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm worried you're going to mingle.
18:00I've got to get some air.
18:11Did one of us go after him?
18:15No, I think he just needs some time to let it sink in.
18:18Yeah, he'll be fine.
18:20But, look, when you get right down to it,
18:22this is a bar like any other bar.
18:26Hi, I'm Greg.
18:27I see you got my drink.
18:31Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
18:33Uh, thanks.
18:35Listen, Greg, I think I should tell you
18:37I'm not gay.
18:40Oh.
18:41Oh, well.
18:44Too bad.
18:46Sorry.
18:49Frank, I found a booth for us.
18:51Nice quiet running back.
18:57Men.
19:07It's really late.
19:08I can't believe Jim has been gone this long.
19:10I can't believe they've been playing
19:11It's Raining Men on the jukebox all night
19:13and Jim didn't know this was a gay bar.
19:15Well, I just had the most wonderful conversation
19:21with that table up there in the corner.
19:24Do you have any idea
19:25how many of history's great men were gay?
19:28I didn't.
19:29Aristotle, gay.
19:31Michelangelo, gay.
19:33Laurence Olivier, gay.
19:35Or straight.
19:36Depends on which biography you read.
19:38Well, Jim, Jim, hi.
19:42Are you okay?
19:43I'm fine.
19:44I took a long walk, you know,
19:45to sort things out.
19:48And I came to the conclusion
19:49that Murphy was right.
19:51I should never have gotten involved
19:52in this place.
19:53Well, Jim, that's not like you.
19:55You went out of the Anchorman
19:56just because it happens to be a gay bar?
19:59I have no problem with this being a gay bar, Murphy.
20:01I just don't want it to be my gay bar.
20:04I wanted to recreate something very special to me.
20:08And as much as I'm glad this place is doing well,
20:10it's just not what I had in mind.
20:13It's not my dream.
20:15But it could be, Jim.
20:18Homosexuals are fascinating people
20:20with a rich and interesting history.
20:24Did you know the Sacred Band of Thieves
20:27was the only all-gay army in the world
20:29composed of 150 pairs of lovers?
20:32It's true!
20:36All the same, I'm calling my accountant tomorrow
20:38and instructing him to put the Anchorman up to sale.
20:41Well, Jim, that's how you feel.
20:43That's how you feel.
20:46How much were you thinking of asking?
20:50I don't know what I was thinking.
20:52It was foolish of me to even try
20:54to recapture the past.
20:56Can't be done.
20:58Times have changed.
21:01People have changed.
21:02Oh, well.
21:09You coming, Jim?
21:11Oh, sure.
21:13I was just thinking if this piano hasn't even been playing.
21:18Um, indulge me for a moment, won't you?
21:20The memory of all the world.
21:38The memory of all the world, no, no, they can't take that away from me, the way your smile
21:59just means the way you see me, the way you haunt my dreams, no, no, they can't take that away
22:19from me, we have a home, never one, yeah, all my fun, we roll to God, still always, always
22:35keep the memory of, the world is going bad today, it's bad today, it's not too bad, it's not
22:47Oh, no, I'm not a great romancer, I know that you're bound to answer when I propose, everything goes.
23:17Oh, my. Isn't that the most extraordinary thing you've ever seen? I mean, never in my wildest dreams. Well, you know, maybe the past isn't so dead after all.
23:32I gotta tell you, Jim, if this is what that old pup was like, I can see why you missed it.
23:36This is almost exactly what it was like. A bunch of fellas gathering around a piano, drinking and singing till the sun came up.
23:44Well, not exactly this type of fella. Back then, we had people like John Gielgud, Somerset Maugham, composer Benjamin Britten.
23:53You know, Jim, all those men are gay.
23:59James Baldwin, Christopher Isherwood.
24:04He's gay.
24:05Noah Coward, Tennessee Williams, a busboy named Quentin Crisp.
24:09He's a gay gay guy.
24:10I guess I did a better job recreating the old place than I thought.
24:25You say either. I say either.
24:29To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're gonna party like it's 1985.
24:33With a lineup of hit shows from the year Nick at Night began.
24:38It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary celebration.
24:41Three nights beginning this Tuesday at 10 p.m.