Murphy Brown Season 7 Episode 3 Loose Affiliations
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00:00Empty without you afraid
00:03And as I go my way alone
00:08I find it hard for me to carry on
00:15I need your strength, I need your tender touch
00:22I need the love, my dear, I miss so much
00:30My girl is in the team without you
00:33All right, Ted, it was amazing.
00:35Brooks must have broken six tackles, run 85 yards.
00:39I can't believe you turned the game off at halftime, Jim.
00:42Well, call me old-fashioned, but I just don't enjoy watching football since it moved to Fox.
00:47How can you possibly focus on John Madden's chalk talk
00:51when he's drawing it on Christina Applegate's Bear Midriff?
00:55I know what you mean, Jim.
00:56Like how they cram the words, Womp, there it is, into the national anthem.
01:01That was just not right.
01:02Hello, Phil. How are you?
01:05How you doing, Phil?
01:05All right, before anyone asks, there are no more squares left in the football.
01:10Oh, man, not again.
01:12Yeah, Hillary Clinton snatched them all up.
01:15Ever since she made a killer in the market, the woman's got the fever.
01:21Last week, Bill wandered down for a midnight snack, found her in her nighties,
01:26shooting dice on the floor with a kitchen stack.
01:30Hey, Miles, did you see the Skins game yesterday?
01:32Shaw?
01:32Shaw?
01:33I don't want to hear anything about football.
01:35But it was unbelievable.
01:36Shaw?
01:38Football is dead to me now.
01:40It's gone the way of sunbathing, driving without a seatbelt, and unprotected sex.
01:44Not that I ever did any of those things, but I liked that the option was there.
01:48So you didn't see the game?
01:50No, I did not.
01:51I watched what was on our network, the Sunday movie of the week.
01:54They say my name is Mary.
01:55All right, the touching portrait of a woman sinking into the hellish abyss of short-term
02:02memory loss.
02:03You know, I meant to watch that, but it slipped my mind.
02:07Fine, fine, fine.
02:08Make your jokes, but from where I stand, anyone who's watching football on that other network
02:13deserves nothing but scorn and contempt.
02:15Hey, did you guys catch that game last night on Fox?
02:18People said the coverage wasn't going to be as good, but I've got to tell you, those hidden
02:22cameras in the locker room showers were a stroke of genius.
02:26What a wacky network.
02:28Wacky Murphy, do you have any idea how many stations defected when that wacky network grabbed
02:33football away from us?
02:34No, Marmars, they didn't leave just because of football.
02:36They left because the new fall shows stink.
02:39What do you expect from a network whose slogan is, get off our backs, we're doing the best
02:42we can?
02:43Oh, no, Murphy.
02:45It's not about shows.
02:46It's about money.
02:47Our shows are no worse than anyone else's.
02:49In fact, some of them are actually quite good.
02:51Yeah, but then you find one you like and they cancel it and replace it with what?
02:56A lame stand-up comic on one network, a reality program about angels and UFOs on another, and
03:02what's our network's latest offering?
03:05A drama about an environmental SWAT team led by an orangutan.
03:10I'm going to keep my Saturday nights open for that one.
03:13Now, Murphy, give it a chance.
03:16May I remind you, there was a show with a little pig named Arnold that did very well
03:21for himself on television.
03:22Yeah, but then Roseanne dumped him.
03:29Now, come on, Murph.
03:31There really are still some quality shows on television.
03:35Okay.
03:36Name three.
03:37Okay.
03:38There's Letterman.
03:39And, um, the one with those naked swearing cops.
03:45Is Mesh still on the air?
03:48My point exactly.
03:50The glory days are over, and this fall schedule isn't going to bring them back.
03:54And why?
03:55Because it's a crack fist.
03:57Murphy, this conversation is over.
04:00So, Jim, how about those roses?
04:02Did you ever clear up that aphid problem?
04:03Fine.
04:04I'll just say to the back of your head, crack fist, crack fist, crack fist.
04:09Excuse me.
04:10I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
04:12Frankly, I couldn't agree with you more, Ms. Brown.
04:14I've seen the fall schedule.
04:16I think it stinks, too.
04:17You hear that, Miles?
04:18This random viewer agrees with me.
04:21I just have one question.
04:23My editor is a real stickler for spelling.
04:25Is crack fist one word or two?
04:29I think one of them all.
04:30Well, it's not even an article.
04:35It's a blurb.
04:35This wouldn't even make it into my scrapbook.
04:37And I've pasted together headlines about Eddie Murphy and James Brown just to see my name in print.
04:43Murphy's right.
04:44Relax.
04:46Man, what did you do?
04:47Leave the hanger in here?
04:49Really, Miles.
04:50If something was going to happen, don't you think we would have hurt by now?
04:56This is FYI.
04:58Mr. Lansing!
04:58How nice to have you down.
05:01You never come down.
05:02Did you come down to bring me up or are we staying down?
05:05What?
05:06We do good work down here.
05:08Notwithstanding the FYI black hole.
05:12With staplers and little boxes of grape juice disappear at twice the rate of any of my other shows.
05:19Corky, you look gorgeous as usual.
05:22Corky, you should hear the way they talk about you at my barbershop.
05:27It's crude.
05:31But it's their way of saying they love you.
05:34Oh, well, that's so sweet.
05:37Tell them I said thank you.
05:39Consider it done.
05:40Jim!
05:41You never age.
05:43How old are you anyway?
05:4456.
05:45Ha, ha, ha, funny answer.
05:51I came to you, man.
05:53The way you go risk your life.
05:55That's a nice shirt.
05:57Oh, thanks.
05:58This is custom made.
05:59You know, I could give you my Taylor's phone number.
06:01The guy, he's got these tiny little hands.
06:03I was making small talk, Fontana, and I finished.
06:08Murphy?
06:09Hi, Stan.
06:09Good to see you.
06:10Let's talk in your office.
06:12Oh, my office?
06:13Oh, you don't want to talk in there.
06:14It's...
06:15I haven't cleaned.
06:16It's...
06:16Okay.
06:19He's not down for me.
06:21He's down for Murphy.
06:22You too, Silverberg!
06:23Murphy, you sit there.
06:33I'll sit over here.
06:34And Silverberg, you hop up on those cases of grape juice over there.
06:38Stan, before we even start, let me just tell you that everything they printed was taken
06:56completely out of context.
06:58I'm so glad.
06:59That's what I thought.
07:02So tell me, in what context would crapola be a good thing?
07:08Sir, in Murphy's defense, she did not call the fall lineup crapola.
07:15She called it a crap fest.
07:18You know, Silverberg, you remind me of a young me.
07:22Thank you, sir.
07:23Coming from you, that's a real...
07:24I hated the young me.
07:27Rightfully so, sir.
07:28I'll just...
07:29I'll back up on my grape juice.
07:35Murphy, you picked a bad time.
07:38You're trying to shoot your mouth off.
07:40We just lost football and eight affiliates with it.
07:44Who knows how many more you convinced to do the same thing?
07:48I am troubled.
07:51I like this chair.
07:55It's like sitting in a big hand.
07:58You know, Stan, you're right.
08:04I'll try to watch what I say from now on.
08:06I'm sorry you had to come all the way down.
08:08When I say troubled, I don't mean like a little tickle in my throat.
08:12I mean like that triple bypass I had last March.
08:15One card from your whole department.
08:17You see, if these remarks were made by someone else, give me a name.
08:25Suzanne Bouchette.
08:26Fran Drescher.
08:28Who's listening?
08:31You.
08:33You're Murphy Brown.
08:35People believe what you say.
08:39This Saturday, we're flying our affiliates down to Epcot to present them the full schedule.
08:45I want you to go down there and explain how you were misquoted.
08:49You didn't call it a crap fest.
08:52You called it a sparkling array of inventive programming.
08:58Stan, I can't...
08:59Stan, I can't...
08:59I can't promote that lineup.
09:02You've got a show where an orangutan commands a group of crusading environmentalists.
09:07Oh, he doesn't command them.
09:10He merely advises them.
09:13They don't have to take his advice if they don't want to.
09:18Did you say this Saturday, you know, I am really swamped.
09:21Miles, tell him how swamped I am.
09:26Bye.
09:29If we lose affiliates, that means cutbacks.
09:31And the first place we cut back is the news division personnel.
09:36Now, maybe not you.
09:37You still got a few good years left.
09:40The gene is getting more in the truth.
09:43Rose, a 56-year-old teeth.
09:46Mr. Lensing, are you actually considering...
09:48Look at my back, Silverberg.
09:50It's against the wall.
09:52I'm crazy.
09:54You don't know what I'll do.
09:56All right, I'll go, I'll go.
10:03But it'll cost you.
10:04I'm taking my son and my nanny,
10:06and the second I get there, I'm cracking open that honor bar,
10:09and I'm eating my weight in macadamia nuts,
10:11even if it makes me sick.
10:14She's a real smart bug, Silverberg.
10:17I don't know how you put up with her sometimes.
10:21Sometimes I don't know myself, sir.
10:23It's your job, Silverberg.
10:26Hi, I'm Corky Sherwood.
10:28Thank you for coming.
10:29Get a load of our spirit.
10:33Hi, Murphy Brown.
10:34Get a load of our spirit.
10:37I'm saying get a load of our spirit.
10:38Get your own slogan.
10:40Okay, fine.
10:41I'll take there's no stopping us now.
10:44I don't believe we'd already decided
10:45that I'd be saying there's no stopping us now.
10:47Who cares?
10:48Jeez, what is it with you guys?
10:50I'll tell you what it is.
10:51We all had to give up our weekends
10:53because of you and your big fat mouth.
10:55Yes.
10:55Wasn't our turn to come down here, Murphy.
10:5760 minutes' turn.
10:58I hate these things.
11:00Hi!
11:01That's more.
11:02Get a load of our spirit.
11:03Hi, Murphy Brown.
11:06That's it.
11:07Keep it moving.
11:07Hi, guys.
11:10Sorry I'm late.
11:12Did I miss anything?
11:14Frank.
11:15You were playing golf, weren't you?
11:16Oh, come on.
11:18That makes you think fun.
11:19You've got a scorecard in your back pocket,
11:21your tan ends at your wrist,
11:22and you dropped a divot over by the Dr. Quinn ice cult.
11:26Sue me for trying to jam some fun
11:28into this miserable weekend.
11:30Hey, Murphy ruined my weekend, too.
11:31Oh, don't start with me, okay?
11:33Murphy's starting to...
11:34What is this?
11:37What is this?
11:40Is this helping us hang on to our affiliates?
11:42I don't think so.
11:44Come on, Miles.
11:46We've done everything we can do here.
11:48I'm going to go back to the hotel.
11:49There's an ugly rumor the water slide closes at 7.
11:52Oh, no.
11:53You are not.
11:54We've got another hour before our hosts for this evening
11:57arrive to present the fall lineup.
11:59So until you hear the squeals of delight
12:01marking the arrival of Carol O'Connor and Angela Lansbury,
12:04I believe we still have a network to save us.
12:06Oh, no, no.
12:06Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
12:11The very existence of FYI is at stake here, people.
12:14Portions of the South have already fallen.
12:16The Midwest is teetering on the brink.
12:19This is war.
12:20We're fighting it city by city.
12:22At this very moment, Spokane is in the corner
12:25telling the eastern seaboard how funny
12:27The Simpsons was last night.
12:31Now, what are we going to do about it, mister?
12:39Well, there's a guy over there hitting on Marky
12:44post while his wife was in a john.
12:47Maybe I can whack them.
12:49Go, go, make me proud.
12:52You know, I didn't like the looks of that Spokane
12:58when he first traipsed in here.
13:00Well, I think somebody's about to receive
13:02a little lecture on loyalty.
13:04Godspeed.
13:07Come on, Erky.
13:08You know what we have to do?
13:10You know what we have to do?
13:12You know what we have to do?
13:13Okay.
13:14You take the fat one, I'll take the bald one.
13:19You magnificent bastards.
13:22You know, if you don't mind my saying so, Miss Brown,
13:33you're a lot softer than Andy Rooney.
13:36You know, Bert, as many times as I get told that, I never get tired of hearing it.
13:43So I guess you'll be staying with the network.
13:46Well, I don't know.
13:48I'm still worried about this fall lineup.
13:51Bert, I just walk like an Egyptian with you.
13:54Don't start.
13:54Now, you listen to me, Buster.
13:58The affiliate network relationship is a sacred union.
14:01Much like this great nation of ours.
14:04Now, what would happen if Minnesota woke up one day
14:07and decided it wanted to be a part of, say, France?
14:10And France said, sure, come on over.
14:12We've got rich sauces in the Eiffel Tower.
14:14Well, it's not that easy, bub.
14:16All I said was Homer makes me laugh.
14:19Shame on you.
14:19Dave, our network puts on a pretty good spread, doesn't it?
14:31I'm guessing you made a few trips to that onion dip.
14:36Tick-tack?
14:39Hi, can I borrow you for a minute?
14:41Grand Rapids is waffling.
14:43He wants to take a picture with you.
14:44Oh, okay.
14:44Excuse me.
14:48Do me a favor.
14:49Could you kiss my head in this picture?
14:53That's it.
14:54Miles, my debt is paid.
14:55You kiss his head.
14:56I'm going back to the hotel.
15:00Frank, what's wrong?
15:04Angela, Carol, you're not coming.
15:08What?
15:08What do you mean, Frank?
15:09What did you do?
15:10I had Angela Lansbury and Carol O'Connor with my golf cart.
15:14No!
15:16No!
15:17No!
15:17No!
15:19It was an absolute, I swear.
15:21I swear.
15:21Oh, God.
15:22Oh, God.
15:23I have to tell someone.
15:25How could you do this to me, Frank?
15:27I'm never going to get out of here.
15:29They shouldn't have even been there.
15:31I had the right of way.
15:33I shouldn't even call it ahead.
15:36I was really out of rush.
15:37But that Angela, she is such a drama queen.
15:41I know.
15:42Oh, they're fine.
15:43They just walked them around the parking lot a few times, and then they tramped them over
15:47the first day.
15:48They were in the parking lot?
15:50Yeah.
15:51So then, technically, they were on the premises.
15:54Yeah.
15:55Well, so then, technically, I'm off the clock.
15:58You know, if it's the monorail, I can still get three runs down the water slide before it
16:03closes.
16:05Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts for this evening, Carol O'Connor and Angela Lansbury, will be
16:12unable to attend tonight's ceremony.
16:14But, in their place, please help me welcome Jim Dial and Murphy Brown.
16:30I see here that Carol and Angela plan to begin the evening with a little musical number,
16:38but I don't think Jim might...
16:39Oh, Affiliate!
16:43How we love you!
16:44How we love you!
16:45Our dear Affiliate!
16:48Murphy!
16:49Third World 2!
16:51Hmm!
16:52Oh, that was...
16:57Bracing.
16:58Uh, let's just...
16:59Let's just launch right in here, shall we?
17:02Um...
17:03Ah, splendid.
17:05Top 10 list.
17:05Those could be amusing.
17:07Murphy?
17:08Thanks, Jim.
17:10And now, the top 10 reasons why you should stay with our network.
17:16Number 10.
17:22Affiliate fees are not scheduled to rise until the third quarter, and then at a rate which
17:28will not exceed the average established in the prior four quarters.
17:33What do you know?
17:43It looks like there was only a top one list.
17:44Back to you, Jim.
17:46Well, that was delightful.
17:48Um, now it's time to present our fabulous new fall lineup, Carol O'Connor Exits.
17:54Oh, that's me.
17:58Murphy?
17:59Back to you.
18:00Thank you, Jim.
18:01Well, let's kick things off with the show.
18:05All of us here at the network are most excited about the Green Team, a group of environmental
18:11crusaders advised by a crusty but lovable orangutan.
18:16And now, the dashing young star of the Green Team, Jerry McDonald.
18:21Thanks for joining us, Jerry.
18:36They say that, like one of our former network stars, you can turn the world on with your
18:42smile.
18:46Oh, geez.
18:48Next.
18:49A hilarious new sitcom, Joanie Come Lately, about a blue-collar mom and her group of troublesome
19:04children.
19:05Please welcome the star of Joanie Come Lately, Joanie Malone.
19:08Hey, if it's hip urban comedy you want, look no further than Todd's Friends, starring
19:34Rye Comic, Todd Mellman.
19:42Todd, friends, it's a show about anything.
19:51And save some room for a family suit.
19:54Just pour in one Irish cop, spice it up with...
20:04All right, let's face it, the monkey has a point.
20:08I said it before, and I'll say it again.
20:11This stuff is crap.
20:13I can understand why some of you have thought about...
20:16Can't it, Jerry, it's my turn.
20:22Sure, we've lost football, and I know there are a lot of other networks to choose from these
20:27days, but trust me, the grass isn't always greener over there, because let's face it,
20:32most of their stuff stinks, too.
20:38And whose fault is it?
20:40I say, it's all of ours, because we don't demand anything better.
20:45As Edward R. Murrow once said about television, this instrument can teach.
20:56It can illuminate.
21:00Yes, it can even inspire.
21:03But it can do so only to the extent that humans...
21:09Oh, shut up, you Henry!
21:11Can someone get this monkey off the stage?
21:17Great.
21:18Aw.
21:33Stan, doesn't having a glass desk bother you?
21:39I mean, who wants to look at their own legs all the time?
21:47How did you know I was back?
21:49I know everything that goes on down here.
21:52By the way, tell Fontana to stop adjusting himself in the elevator when he thinks he's
21:57all alone.
21:58Look, Stan, um, before you start talking, let me just say that, uh, I tried. I really
22:11did. It's just that I'm a very bad liar. You know, all it would take for me to get back
22:15in the White House press room is to tell Clinton his jogging is paying off. But every time I
22:20look at those thighs, I just can't bring myself to do it.
22:25Murphy, you screwed up. You went down there in front of God knows how many affiliates. You
22:32dumped on my lineup.
22:34I know, Stan, I know.
22:36When you stormed off stage, you shoved dry comedian Todd Melvin, star of Todd's Friends,
22:41into a pile of stacking chairs.
22:43He had a ponytail.
22:46That doesn't make it right.
22:49On the other hand, you showed me that I was using that monkey all wrong. I had him in
22:54a drama. Who knew that Chip was a comedy genius? I'm building a whole night around him.
22:59What? Stan, you're pandering to the lowest common denominator. That's exactly the point
23:04I was making down there.
23:06Thank God nobody heard it because they were so busy busting a gut over the antics of that
23:11clever little monkey.
23:15Why don't you give him a monkey girlfriend so you can bring in more female viewers?
23:19A monkey with a love interest. That's not bad.
23:28Oh, Murphy, I...
23:36Well, Stan, I'm glad I could help the network in its hour of need. So if there's
23:40anything else you want to say to me...
23:42Well, actually, there is one more little thing that I would really like you to do.
23:50Hi, Milwaukee. This is Murphy Brown, reminding you to catch the banana squad this fall.
23:57Hi, Cleveland. This is Murphy Brown, reminding you to catch the banana squad this fall.
24:03On channel 36. We think you're going to love it. Right, Jerry?
24:04I can't work like this.
24:05Hi, New Haven. This is Murphy Brown. Hi, New York.
24:06Are you tired of doing stuff? Yes.
24:07Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite show,
24:09followed by four equally out of your favorite show.
24:10We're going to love you to catch the banana squad this fall on channel 36.
24:11We think you're going to love it. Right, Jerry?
24:12I can't work like this.
24:13Hi, New Haven. This is Murphy Brown. Hi, New York.
24:28Are you tired of doing stuff? Yes!
24:31Then watch Easy TV Summer. It's four effortless hours of your favorite show, followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show.
24:38Why don't you make it sound easy?
24:41Easy TV Summer starts Tuesday, July 5th at 10, only on Nick at Night.
24:4508A5B wait whoever paid for $0.
24:4708B wait whoever made a day.
24:52Then watch the prime magazine all day over $500 whopper.
24:56Thanks.
24:57These are much more ignorant and popular business.
25:00Hang out, don't laugh.
25:05The chance is too low at night.