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00:00la la la la la la la la
00:30What in the name of God is he doing, Jeksy?
00:57I don't know. I'm afraid to go up.
01:00What? He's stopped.
01:04Start it again.
01:09Well, isn't it great to be informed, Jeksy?
01:11How did we ever know what was going on in the world
01:13before these two looters came on the scene?
01:15Well, someone's world is going to come to a sudden end
01:18and it's this stop soon.
01:20Theo, it's a bar I'm trying to run down here,
01:23not a knocking shop.
01:24What's he doing, Jeksy?
01:26Folding Jeksy's underpants.
01:27He's doing more than you, Jimmy.
01:31Are you supposed to be down working on the old well?
01:34Yeah, sure, we're going down later on.
01:36What's up with you, Jeksy?
01:37I don't know what he's doing
01:38and he won't let me upstairs to see what he's up to.
01:41What do you mean?
01:41Well, he says he wants to treat me
01:43because he means so good to him.
01:44He told me to stay clear the house until tonight.
01:47God, you have a right cosy set-up going on there now, Jeksy, huh?
01:50What do you mean by that, Jimmy?
01:51Nothing. I mean, no, it's just lovely to see
01:55two grown men, you know, looking after each other and all.
02:00As the poet Edison once said,
02:03Theo walked at a terrible pace
02:05to make a nice nest for his mate.
02:08Come on, Dan, come on.
02:09That's it.
02:10But his jackhammer slipped and his manhood was snipped.
02:13And now he's no good on a date.
02:17I hope my banging upstairs didn't disturb you, gentlemen.
02:29At that price, it's a snip.
02:31And look, if you open the side of it,
02:33there's a screen in all where you can walk along
02:36and film at the same time without falling over.
02:38That's the safety feature of that particular model.
02:41That's nice, all right.
02:42Will you shut up, will you?
02:44Do you not see where you visit us?
02:47She's fairly pricey, don't she?
02:49Well, you could always use it for school purposes.
02:51And if that's the case,
02:52the department could always pay for it
02:53if you had the right forms.
02:55Of course, that'd bulk the price up a little bit.
03:00Sir, sir!
03:02Sir!
03:03How much?
03:04I could do it for 60 euro less for cash.
03:08Done, for cash.
03:12I brought you down a cup of tea.
03:24You shouldn't have bothered, Theo.
03:26Jaxie, would you be a dear
03:29and lift a bag out of the rubbish for me?
03:33Hope you're not throwing out anything valuable to you.
03:36Well, it's hardly Tutankhamun's tomb up there.
03:40Something was buried up there at one point.
03:43I just haven't found it yet.
03:45Well, you found my mother's good china.
03:47Ah, now, that was a pity.
03:49Just as I was beginning to think
03:51it was you who had the good taste.
03:54Dan, would you be so kind
03:56as to lift the bag out for me?
03:59Sorry, Theo.
04:00I've a terrible bad bag.
04:01I know a very good chiropractor
04:04who could cure that for you.
04:06And lose me disability.
04:08There must be a joke.
04:09I'll do it for you, Theo.
04:11Just to make sure you don't throw out my stuff.
04:16Ooh!
04:17Thank you, Jaxie.
04:20Gentlemen,
04:21I want to invite you
04:23to a Halloween fancy dress party
04:27in honour of Jaxie.
04:29Tonight.
04:30Upstairs.
04:31Is that your costume, Theo?
04:32Oh, no, Timmy.
04:33No, no.
04:34No, I was remodelling upstairs
04:37for tonight.
04:38I can't wait
04:40to see the look on his face
04:41when he comes through the door.
04:43I'll say he can somehow hop on, right?
04:48Is she ready to go, Dick?
04:50Yeah.
04:50The light is on her there.
04:52And the battery is fully charged up
04:53and there's a tape in it.
04:55Myself and Pa gave her a test run
04:56in the station
04:57and she's working the finest.
04:59But that's the tape that's in it
05:00so it'll need to be rewound
05:01back to the staff.
05:04Oh, what's this button for here?
05:07Take these chains
05:09from my heart
05:11and set me free.
05:15Ha, ha, ha!
05:15Come on, Dick!
05:17And now,
05:18over to our weatherman,
05:20Pa Connors.
05:21Ah, no, no, no, no, Dick, no.
05:24No.
05:25Ah, go on, Pa.
05:26You were brilliant earlier
05:27when you did it.
05:28No, no, no, I can't do it now, Dick.
05:29No.
05:30Ah, come on, sure, I did mine.
05:31No, no, I switched it off.
05:32That joke, sorry.
05:34I don't know what happened there, Dick,
05:35but she's working the finest now.
05:37Is he all right, are we?
05:38Ah, he's probably only asleep.
05:40Little feckers wouldn't get any exercise
05:41if it wasn't for me.
05:43Here.
05:44Hey.
05:45Wake up.
05:46Wake up, will you?
05:47Wake up.
05:50I feel sick, sir.
05:52I feel sick, sir.
05:54It's amazing what the little feckers would do
05:55to get out of a bit of exercise, isn't it?
05:57Here, hold on to this, me, Dick.
06:00Wake up!
06:01Wake up!
06:03Wake up!
06:05Did you ever think of joining the guards, Louis?
06:09Ah, no, Dick.
06:11I always saw teaching as more of a vocation.
06:14I'm passing the school on the way back.
06:16He doesn't look well.
06:18I'll drop him off on the way.
06:20Thanks, Dick.
06:21Now look at the trouble you caused.
06:22Say thanks to Sergeant O'Toole.
06:23Thanks.
06:32How are you, Dieter?
06:33Ah, Father.
06:34Would you like to try some butter case, sir?
06:36I just got it in for Halloween.
06:38No, no, no.
06:38I was just wondering, did you, uh,
06:40did you get the old nod for the Russell Harty tonight
06:42in the nuclear sub?
06:44What is this, Father?
06:45Yeah, I know, it's all a bit hush-hush.
06:47You know, the Russell Harty, tonight,
06:49in the nuclear sub,
06:50Jaxies,
06:51Rub-a-dub.
06:53Jaxies, Rub-a-dub?
06:54Dieter, keep it down.
06:56It's supposed to be a surprise.
06:58Oh.
06:59I'm sorry, Father.
07:00I'm having no idea of what you're talking about.
07:03Hello.
07:05Russell Harty.
07:06Party.
07:08Oh, yeah.
07:10Nuclear sub.
07:11Pub.
07:12OK, yeah.
07:14Jaxies.
07:15Rub-a-dub.
07:16That's right, yeah.
07:18Right, well, have you decided what you're going as?
07:21Very good, yeah.
07:23No, no, I mean, are you going to be Pat Malone,
07:24or is Catherine going with you?
07:26OK.
07:27Pat Malone, yeah?
07:28Alone?
07:29Nah, not to worry, sure.
07:30I'll see you there.
07:31Can I, uh, try a bit of the old John Cleese?
07:37Very good.
07:38See you tonight, Dieter.
07:41John Cleese?
07:42Listen, this is, this is cheddar cheese.
07:46The poor man.
07:49My grandfather suffered the same.
07:51What's that, Dieter?
07:52Father Philip.
07:53His state of mind.
07:54In Germany, we say about this,
07:57when the cuckoo falls from the nest,
07:59it is time to marry the fish.
08:01Right, Dieter.
08:02Fenty of cuckoo.
08:15We'll never let up, will you?
08:16That man, it's me heart broke.
08:20You take a foot into your house
08:21thinking you're doing the right thing.
08:22What's the first thing he does?
08:23Bake a quiche.
08:25You couldn't get him a job down there
08:26with the whole well you're fixing up.
08:28Get him up under my feet for a while.
08:30Are you finished there yet, then?
08:31Sure, we'd be finished ages ago
08:32if it wasn't for lover boy here,
08:34putting up a load of signs
08:35pointing the wrong way.
08:36I tell you now,
08:37if you went into them woods,
08:38you'd have a hard time coming out.
08:40Makes a change.
08:41Timmy leading other people astray
08:42rather than be lit astray himself.
08:45I feck off, will you?
08:47Maybe you should take a dip
08:48in the healing well yourself, Timmy.
08:50Might shake off the langles.
08:53I don't have langles.
08:54You don't get langles.
08:56A langles is a piece of litter
08:57you'd tie down an animal with.
08:58I tell you, Nurse Maloney
09:00has you well-langled.
09:01Well said to me.
09:04I feck you.
09:05I'm off.
09:06Ah, Timmy, Timmy.
09:07Pay no heed to them,
09:08shall you have a pint left?
09:09No, Jaxie.
09:10I have to do the signs
09:11for Willie Power.
09:12And I just remembered
09:13Nurse Maloney's waiting
09:14for me at the house
09:14with the paint.
09:18Half a pint.
09:20Half a brain
09:20would be more like it.
09:26Getting all this, Healy?
09:29First.
09:35This way.
09:36Are you sure it's right, sir?
09:38Are you sure that's right, sir?
09:39Come on, will you?
09:40Give me a little.
09:44Come on, Healy.
09:48I can see if I switched on,
09:49I won't do it.
09:51No, no.
09:52Ah, come on, Pat.
09:53Come on.
09:54I can see the red light
09:54in her nother.
09:55No, she switched on never.
09:56No, I won't do it.
09:56Come on, Pat, for the crack.
09:58No, no, I won't, sir.
09:59But should I do mine?
10:01All right, sir.
10:02I'll do it so once in.
10:03Okay, all right.
10:03You're a general laughing man, you know.
10:05Ha!
10:08Sir, this doesn't look right.
10:10Is that right, Kelly?
10:12Is that right?
10:13Of course, you know it better
10:14than everyone else, don't you?
10:15No, sir.
10:15Oh, it appears to me you do.
10:17No, sir.
10:17Oh, the sign says go one way.
10:19Of course, Kelly wants to be different
10:20than everyone else
10:21and go another way.
10:22No, sir.
10:23Right.
10:24Off you go your own way.
10:25See where that'll get you.
10:26No, sir.
10:27Anyone that wants to go with Kelly,
10:28step over to that side.
10:29Anyone that wants to go
10:30the right way with me,
10:31step over here.
10:35Right.
10:36Well, it's not a democracy.
10:37We'll follow the sign
10:38because they were put there
10:39for a good reason
10:40and not by some Yahoo like you, Kelly.
10:43Turn the bloody camera off, Healy.
10:44Come on, the lot of you.
10:46What the hell is your one up to?
10:56Thank God you're here, Sergeant.
10:58I can't locate Louie.
11:00He's late back with his pupils
11:01and there's some very worried parents here.
11:03I was with him earlier on in the woods.
11:05He was taking the class on a nature walk,
11:06but that was old.
11:07Oh, what's that?
11:10Oh, thank God.
11:11I nearly forgot about that, young man.
11:13And I'll tell you,
11:14he's the quietest young man.
11:16Now you ever came across
11:17and he's sleep for Ireland.
11:20Dick, he doesn't look very well.
11:22Sean, is that you, love?
11:24Are you all right?
11:26I fell out of a tree and...
11:29Quick, we've got to get him to a hospital.
11:33What's going on, Dick?
11:35Dick here to base.
11:36Come in, Garda Ryan, over.
11:38Garda Ryan here, Dick.
11:39We've a problem down here at the school,
11:41a missing teacher and some children.
11:43So what do we do, Dick?
11:45I think we ought to call them all out.
11:47We don't know where they are.
11:48The search and rescue team
11:50and the rapid response crow, Jack Clown.
11:53Oh, my God.
11:54Calm down, calm down.
11:57Take it easy.
11:58Calm down.
11:59We've our best people on the case.
12:01Dan and the boys are working in the woods recently.
12:04And if anybody can find your kids, Dan can.
12:07He knows every inch of the plates.
12:09Come on, dear.
12:10Come on.
12:17Maps and torches.
12:19Get your maps and torches.
12:21How long are they missing, Dick?
12:22We don't even know if they are missing.
12:24I got you back to the school 90 minutes ago.
12:26Oh, they're missing the hallway.
12:27If they follow one of Timmy's signs, they'll definitely last.
12:30Looser.
12:31What are we going to do, then?
12:32Leave it up to me, Dick.
12:33Ladies and gentlemen,
12:37our teacher and class are on the missing list
12:39for over 90 minutes.
12:41Average foot speed over uneven ground
12:44barring injury is approximately 4 miles an hour.
12:48That gives us a radius of 6 miles.
12:51I want a hard target search of every residence,
12:54gas station, farmhouse, doghouse, henhouse,
12:57and outhouse in that area.
12:59Checkpoints go up at 15 miles.
13:01Did you get that?
13:02Good.
13:02Now switch those goddamn things off
13:04and get out of my way.
13:05Very well.
13:09That was a bit rough, Dad, wasn't it?
13:11I've seen it in a film.
13:12What film?
13:13The Fugitive.
13:14Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones.
13:151993.
13:171993.
13:17Directed by Andrew Davis.
13:19A murdered wife, a one-armed man,
13:21and an obsessed detective.
13:23The chase begins.
13:24Good man.
13:25No, that is good.
13:27But do you need to tell me
13:28that that was a load of rubbish
13:29and you have no idea what you're doing?
13:31No.
13:32I mean, yeah.
13:34Which, yes or no?
13:35Look, there's no pain in spreading
13:37any more panic that's already out there.
13:40Look, that little speech I gave back there
13:42from the film,
13:43that has everyone thinking
13:43that everything's under control.
13:45Nice one, Dan.
13:46That'll buy us a bit of time.
13:47Exactly.
13:48We don't want this place
13:49turning into a circus.
13:50It might be a bit late there, Dan.
13:51Hey, watch it!
13:57Bloody woods is full of midgets.
14:01Who are these guys, Dick?
14:03They're the sub-aquibites.
14:05That was a bit unnecessary, wasn't it?
14:06There's no talking to those boys.
14:08And the excuse to get dressed up
14:09and they'll be there.
14:11Look, we'll go down and get Timmy.
14:14It looks like he signs a response
14:15for the children's disappearance.
14:17Come on, Jimmy.
14:17Hello, Sergeant.
14:23Lovely day for it.
14:24Any encounter those poor children?
14:26What children is that, Garete?
14:28The woods lost in the woods.
14:29I nearly forgot all about them
14:32there's so much going on around here today.
14:35Goodbye, Nick.
14:36Good luck, ladies.
14:43What's the name of God
14:44are you up to, Pat?
14:45The old generator's running a bit rich, Nick.
14:47We're trying to find them children,
14:49not hide them.
14:50Don't worry about it, boss.
14:51The old wind will carry it away.
14:53What are you doing?
14:54What are you doing?
14:54My camel is after breaking loose.
14:56Did you hear something, Dick?
14:57I've enough to be doing
14:58not to be involved
14:59in some wild camel chase.
15:00He's not wild.
15:01He just got a fright and took off.
15:03Maybe he got the hump over something.
15:06Do you think this is funny, Pikey?
15:08Oh, I'm the big man now.
15:10Circus Colossus.
15:11I made you two camels and a clown.
15:13Arrest him, Goddard.
15:14That's discrimination.
15:16Arrest him first, Dick.
15:16The major was discrimination first.
15:18There he goes again.
15:19Gypo!
15:20Watch it, Butty.
15:21Butty is it.
15:22Come on, Pikey.
15:23I'll have you.
15:24I'll have you, is it?
15:25I'll have you, lumper, lumper.
15:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:29Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:29Hey, come here.
15:30You can't do that.
15:31The sun comes up in the east and goes down in the west.
15:48That means if we could see the bloody sun, we'd know where the hell we are.
15:53It's landing.
15:55Our weather over the weekend is a bit of a cover mixed bag.
15:57We have a lot of cover coming down from the northwest there.
16:00As you can see, that'll cover the north extensively over the night.
16:03All throughout the night.
16:04Lock down there, let the skillet be white cover-up.
16:07That'll bring way the bit of snow, lads, you can see.
16:09The crowd above the north are really going to get the brunt of it.
16:12We're hoping that'll clear in the morning time.
16:15We shall make time conditions for the lads below that load for the fishing.
16:20Are we lost, sir?
16:22No, we're not lost, Kelly.
16:23If we could find the well, we could find our way out.
16:26Until then, we're not lost. We're merely looking.
16:27You're looking lost to me.
16:30What was that?
16:31I said I'm hungry, sir.
16:33Yeah, well, go get something to eat, then.
16:34What?
16:35There's nothing here.
16:37Gosh, there's nothing here.
16:42Just because your mother isn't around to cook for you doesn't mean there's nothing here.
16:45The forest is nature's shopping basket.
16:47Here, look, look, wild mushrooms.
16:49The finest.
16:49Come up here, lads, let's get some of these.
16:51They'll take the age of the hunger off of you.
16:52Get a slap of that now, Healy.
16:53Mmm, delicious.
17:01Sir, do you think that's a good idea?
17:04They could be like those funny mushrooms that make you see things, or poisonous ones that
17:08make you sick.
17:10That's the trouble with you, Kelly, isn't it?
17:12You think you know better than everybody else.
17:13Well, remember, who's the teacher around here?
17:15It's me and not you.
17:16After them very close conditions throughout tonight, you're looking at a lot of thunder
17:22around Wexford there early in the morning.
17:23There, later in the morning, then, you're going to be a lot of heat there around Limerick
17:27and those areas there.
17:29You'll see that'll be very warm there.
17:30You'll want to be putting on a lot of sunblock, lads, but that'll die off sometime in the afternoon,
17:34leading to very bad conditions for the Black Beetle.
17:37Turn that camera off, Healy, or you'll run the battery down.
17:48Right, sir.
17:50The healing well of the Black Abbey, a well used by sick monks to heal skin disorders
17:55due to the high content of sulphur in the water.
17:58The monks stopped using the well after eight of them were then slaughtered in it by marauding
18:04Vikings.
18:04It has since been recognised as an historic tomb.
18:08What's that?
18:12I'm frightened, sir.
18:13It's all the talk of the dead monks, and it's getting dark.
18:17Our mothers will be at the school waiting for us.
18:23What was that?
18:27What?
18:27There's nothing there.
18:29There was something there.
18:30It was awful.
18:31It was like a small man, a half man, a half clown.
18:33What did I tell you about the mushrooms?
18:35My mother's going to kill you for giving us drugs.
18:38I never give you drugs.
18:39Well, how do you explain the half man, half clown, then?
18:42It wasn't a half man, half clown.
18:43It was more like a midget.
18:45Oh, a midget now.
18:47You see, this is the problem with the mushrooms.
18:48What's wrong with you now?
18:55It's a camel and two clowns.
18:57What exactly have you seen?
19:00Two clowns and a camel, or a half camel, half little clown?
19:04Here.
19:05I'm out of here.
19:06I want my mammy.
19:08It's all right.
19:09It's all right.
19:10You want some torches?
19:17No, thanks, love.
19:21Well, Dick, I found this lood.
19:23Are there any sign of the others?
19:24No.
19:25And we have a clown, a camel, and a midget on the loods as well.
19:28There's nothing else that could go wrong.
19:31Sergeant, I have a lot of very worried mothers arriving.
19:35Things are going to turn nasty down there.
19:37You're going to have to tell them the truth,
19:38or they'll be a riot.
19:40I thought Dieter was keeping things under control.
19:42Ah, he was.
19:43But there's only so much baloney he can sell them.
19:45Please stop.
19:47There is no more baloney.
19:49All I have left is frankfurters.
19:51Baloney, baloney, baloney.
19:54Baloney, baloney.
19:56What happened to him?
19:59He had a run-in with a midget,
20:01and let's say the midget brought him down to size.
20:04Don't mind rubbing them back.
20:05Count them.
20:07There they are.
20:08Oh, God, it's the children's.
20:13Are you OK?
20:16What happened?
20:17I went on a nature walk with Mr. Countwell.
20:19We were doing fine to be followed by science.
20:22That's when we got lost.
20:24Luther!
20:26How did you find your way out?
20:28I could smell the mist.
20:29They knew it wasn't mist.
20:30It smelled like Pat Conner's generator running a bit rich.
20:33So I walked off wind with the class
20:35and knew I was eventually come to the road.
20:37Well done, Pat.
20:39Thanks, Nick.
20:40Thanks a lot.
20:42Michael, where's Mr. Countwell?
20:45He's...
20:45He's...
20:46Mr. Countwell is gone.
20:49He was such a nice man.
21:00It's hard to believe.
21:07Cheddar...
21:08That was his cheese.
21:13I feel...
21:14It was all my fault.
21:16It is!
21:18He's not Dick, Gunn.
21:20He's just Gunn-Gun.
21:22He ran away and left us.
21:23What?
21:24The little shite.
21:26Are you there, Dick?
21:27Come in, Dick.
21:28This is Dick.
21:29Go ahead, Garda Ryan.
21:30Over.
21:31I'm over here on the valley road, Dick.
21:33I just picked up a camel and two and a half clowns.
21:38Roger that.
21:40Okay, folks.
21:40We're all done here.
21:41Let's call it a day.
21:53Spot the road.
21:54Great.
21:54Thanks for the God, I thought I'd never find it.
21:56Now, which way is home?
21:59Ah, hello.
22:00Excuse me.
22:01Could you tell me to wait to kill the scully?
22:04Ah!
22:05Dead monks in the Black Abbey!
22:07Ah!
22:15That's it.
22:16I've had enough.
22:17It's no wonder there's no one in here.
22:19Not alone if he wrecked my house, but he's managed to wreck my business as well.
22:22For fake sake!
22:24Here is Jetsy!
22:32Surprise!
22:33You said that all right.
22:35Come here, you.
22:36What in the name of God are you trying to do to me?
22:44The bar downstairs is empty, and this place is full of clowns.
22:47I only did it for your sake.
22:49My way of saying thank you for putting me up.
22:53Putting up with you would be more like it.
22:54I've ruined everything, haven't I?
22:59And all you ever wanted to do was help me.
23:02Ever since poor Mummy died.
23:05Oh, for fake sake, get her own, will you, that?
23:10If I had a bucket of boiling water, I know where I'd put it.
23:18It's not what it looks like.
23:21Now look what you've done.
23:28Watch it further, I'll feed you to the lights.
23:34Come on, then, then.
23:36Hi, Nick.
23:37How are you, Father?
23:38Whoa, this is Gil Hoolie.
23:40That's brilliant.
23:42You're meant for memory, then.
23:44No.
23:45Will you have a drink, then?
23:46Where's the portal?
23:47In the kitchen.
23:48Right.
23:50Will you have a drink, lads?
23:51Right.
23:51Jimmy, what about you?
23:52I know your granddaquan.
23:55Pa, will you have a small one?
23:57No!
23:57I already have one, Nick.
23:58Ah!
23:59Ah!
23:59Ah!
23:59Ah!
23:59Ah!
23:59Ah!
23:59Ah!
24:00Ah!
24:00Ah!
24:01Ah!
24:01Ah!
24:02Ah!
24:02Ah!
24:03Ah!
24:04Ah!
24:04Ah!
24:05Ah!
24:05Ah!
24:06Ah!
24:06Ah!
24:07Ah!
24:08Ah!
24:09Ah!
24:09Ah!
24:10Ah!
24:23Ah!
24:29Ah!
24:30Ah!
24:34Ah!
24:39That's all, folks!