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Short filmTranscript
00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Transcription by CastingWords
01:00Transcription by CastingWords
01:29Transcription by CastingWords
01:59Transcription by CastingWords
02:29Transcription by CastingWords
02:59Transcription by CastingWords
03:29Transcription by CastingWords
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04:29Transcription by CastingWords
04:59Transcription by CastingWords
05:29In the blue corner, the deadly duffer, the roughest man in the rough, Tiger Woods.
05:38Agassi!
05:40Agassi!
05:41Agassi!
05:42Agassi!
05:43Agassi!
05:44Agassi!
05:45Agassi!
05:46Agassi!
05:47Agassi!
05:48Agassi!
05:49Agassi!
05:50Agassi!
05:51Agassi!
05:52Agassi!
05:53Agassi!
05:54Agassi!
05:55Agassi!
05:56Agassi!
05:57Agassi!
05:58Agassi!
05:59Agassi!
06:00Agassi!
06:01Agassi!
06:03Agassi!
06:04Agassi!
06:05Agassi!
06:06Agassi!
06:07Agassi!
06:08Agassi!
06:09Agassi!
06:10Agassi!
06:11Agassi!
06:12Agassi!
06:13Agassi!
06:14Agassi!
06:15Agassi!
06:16Agassi!
06:17Agassi!
06:18Agassi!
06:19Agassi!
06:20Agassi!
06:21Agassi!
06:22Agassi!
06:23Agassi!
06:24Agassi!
06:25Agassi!
06:26Agassi!
06:27Agassi!
06:28Agassi!
06:29Agassi!
06:30Agassi!
06:31Agassi!
06:32Agassi!
06:33Agassi!
06:34Agassi!
06:35Paddy 9,000.
06:37Give me my lucky 7-iron.
06:40I got it.
06:41I got it.
06:45Mind if I take a whack at this golf thing?
06:48That's what it's up, right?
06:52Then, if I'm not mistaken,
06:54you take your backswing.
06:57GORE!
06:58Wow, he got all of that one.
07:01Look, everybody.
07:03I am Tiger Woods.
07:05I am Tiger Woods.
07:07Hey, that's my line, monkey.
07:10Agassi controlling that eyeball
07:11and controlling this fight.
07:14All right, Agassi.
07:15Your tennis whites are about to get good and red.
07:20Air conditioning is from the south today,
07:23so I'll have to beat your a little to the left.
07:27Tiger Woods, always thinking about the long game,
07:30is mapping out his strategy.
07:32A risky gambit.
07:33Enough of this namby-pamby golf crap.
07:37Let's get back to tennis.
07:41Andre's got Tiger right where he wants him.
07:43He's putty in his hands.
07:45Oh.
07:45Get out, sir, from Agassi.
07:49Great footwork there.
07:50Someone call the Humane Society.
07:52This is one endangered tiger.
07:56Out.
07:57Out?
07:58You gotta be kidding me.
08:00Grandpa?
08:01Son, I like your spunk and your hairdo.
08:04But one more outburst like that,
08:06and you forfeit this death match.
08:08Savvy call by Mills Lane.
08:09That shot was clearly out.
08:12Let's look at the instant replay on our D2K splatter cam.
08:17Man almighty.
08:19It appears Tiger Woods has pulled a hostage from the crowd.
08:22Tiger is known for his incredible 11th hour comebacks.
08:25Could this be one of them?
08:27Hey, Andre, how do you like my secret weapon?
08:29I call it the Brooke Shield.
08:31I know we're divorced, Andre,
08:33but you wouldn't hit me with a tennis racket, would you?
08:35No, I'd never hit you with a racket.
08:39Move.
08:40Andre's stolen Tiger's golf cart.
08:44Shields is down.
08:45It's a dark day for the art of situation comedy.
08:50He's a tennis player, but it's more like squash.
08:54Call it the roadkill.
08:58Agassi, really un-boying...
09:01Tiger Woods now facing sudden death.
09:05He's struggling to hang on.
09:07Hey, can I have some quiet, please?
09:10I'm trying to kick this guy's...
09:12Too late, Chief.
09:13Your ass is mine, and I hope it's hungry.
09:19Incredible!
09:19Agassi is devastating Tiger Woods with a tennis ball cannon.
09:24Look out, Johnny.
09:25I think he's got it.
09:26He's got it.
09:27He's got it.
09:28He's got it.
09:29He's got it.
09:33Splendid match.
09:34Bad luck next time, Chief.
09:36The winner is...
09:37Agassi!
09:39A characteristic finish for Tiger Woods.
09:44He was totally out deathmatch.
09:46And Andre Agassi proves that tennis is the least wussy of the wussy sports.
09:50Our salute to the savagery of sport will continue when we, uh, continue.
09:56We will return to our program after these messages.
10:12Mr. Peanut, he spent his life bringing people together.
10:19I know he'd be happy that we are all together now.
10:24Oh, yeah.
10:28What is happening?
10:31What is that?
10:32Is that a baby nut?
10:34A baby nut?
10:35Just kidding.
10:41I'm back.
10:43Where's my monocle?
10:46If every woman, if every man, if every person using the leading aerosol antiperspirant were to stop
10:51and begin using new Ultra Band 2, most would be drier.
10:56This totally different aerosol is the beginning of a new era in antiperspirants
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11:11More effectiveness.
11:13New from Bristol Myers.
11:14Ooh, I like it.
11:19That's what I think of that.
11:21It's brand new.
11:22Ooh, I like it.
11:24I like it.
11:25They do it like I like it and they do it every time.
11:27The Carl's Jr. Crisp Burrito is a real mouthful.
11:30A flour tortilla filled with seasoned beef,
11:33two kinds of cheese,
11:34and mild green chilies,
11:36all cooked up to a crispy, beefy, cheesy golden brown.
11:39That's why
11:40at Carl's Jr.
11:42You're going to say
11:44I like it.
11:46At Ramada Ends,
11:47you should be able to feel at home
11:49even when you're not.
11:50Welcome home.
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11:54Welcome home.
11:57That's how more than 400 Ramada Ends
11:59from coast to coast are run.
12:03So you'll be comfortable.
12:05At Ramada Ends.
12:07Call the nearest Ramada End for free reservations
12:10at any Ramada End nationwide.
12:15The Classic Element is right here
12:17at the CLG Video Network.
12:19Get ready for another astronomical
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12:23It's the divine combination of
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12:32And packed with a few surprises of all sizes
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12:36From Steel Can Design,
12:37Classic Element presents
12:38the home video surprise,
12:40DVD surprise half hour.
12:41Now played on demand
12:43and available direct
12:43on the CLG Video Network.
12:46Cross Company Surprise Marathon,
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12:51now playing on the CLG Video Network.
12:55You're watching the CLG Video Network.
12:58And now, back to our program.
13:00We'll be back to our program.
13:22...
13:22...
13:24...
13:26enterprise
13:27I don't know.
13:57AVAILABLE NOW
14:27Transcription by CastingWords
14:57Transcription by CastingWords
15:27Welcome to High School
15:29Where all the teachers are monsters
15:31I know it looks like they want to teach you something
15:34But they don't
15:35They just want to eat you up
15:36Because we're evil blood-sucking vampire things
15:40Mwahahahaha
15:41We need more victimization
15:45There are no good teachers
15:47Not one, not even by accident
15:50We need more stuff to appell
15:54We don't want to help you
15:56We just want to eat your blood and suck your brains
15:59Noir Education Systems Pro
16:04Two
16:05Maybe it's the other way around
16:10I don't know
16:11I got a high school education
16:13Mwahahahaha
16:14This is pandering like hell
16:18Remember that one teacher who seemed cool?
16:20He wasn't
16:21He was all part of the plan
16:23Hey!
16:25Who cares?
16:26All this b****** sales!
16:28Remember that one teacher who seemed really kind and gave you candy?
16:32Mwahahahaha
16:34Well, well, we've got a
16:37Lother hit in the wall
16:39That candy was really sugar-coated children's souls!
16:44LOL, so school thoughts
16:46Throw a damn pair of balls
16:49Children's souls!
16:51We're so evil!
16:52Mwahahahaha
16:53It's all part of the plan
16:59To make sure you're more likely to get a job when you own that
17:02Milking your glue
17:04With lampy tea
17:06Mwahahahaha
17:07How terrible is that?
17:08Mwahahahaha
17:09Mwahahahaha
17:11It's great as school group
17:14Around in it
17:16It's like those 90s commercials
17:18Where the adults look like bad guys
17:20What's next waiting
17:27He and B
17:29Except they want 90s commercials
17:31They were mini-documentaries
17:33It's all true!
17:35Mwahahahaha
17:36Mwahahahaha
17:37Mwahahahaha
17:38Mwahahahaha
17:40We really don't see what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so great!
17:43Mwahahahaha
17:44All this love of lightning
17:46Doesn't mean much at all
17:49Because we're old!
17:50Mwahahahaha
17:51Mwahahahaha
17:52Mwahahahaha
17:53Mwahahahaha
17:54Mwahahahaha
17:55Mwahahahaha
17:56Mwahahahaha
17:57Mwahahahaha
17:58Mwahahahaha
17:59Mwahahahaha
18:00Mwahahahaha
18:01Mwahahahaha
18:02Mwahahahaha
18:03He'll give up a second shot
18:07Ha ha ha ha ha!
18:09Oh hey!
18:11普通話, guys!
18:12They love me too, if you can't
18:16Spazula!
18:18What the f*** is that?
18:21What are you me, boys, to say, school's way, new car?
18:29Wait, time out. Is this really a World War II reference?
18:53No, it's just a bunch of kids being herded onto a train to a horrible, torturous building.
18:57Oh.
18:58Yeah, we're really comparing this to high school?
19:01No, no. It's just meant to look weird and creepy. They're not implying that.
19:06I don't know. I don't think there's a way to not connect that.
19:09Oh, come on. They're just saying school sucks. They're not making any connections to that.
19:14Now, let's go on to the next song that talks about the horrors of World War II.
19:18It's just a coincidence. Maybe. I don't know.
19:24Bye.
19:24That's dumb.
19:29S.F.M.
19:49That's dumb.
19:51S.F.M.
19:53That's it!
19:53That was your presentation.
19:59What was that?
20:00Yeah!
20:01Subtitle.
20:02Shut up!
20:03You're a driver's head.
20:11They always tell you, don't park in front of fire hydrants.
20:15They're going to come along and they're going to smash your windows out and they're going to put the fire hose right through the car.
20:20But you never see that happen.
20:22That never happens.
20:23It's Mike Shinoda from Lincoln Park.
20:26Well, Mike Shinoda's going to pull up to a restaurant.
20:29At which point in time, we're going to escort him into our specific spot that we would like him to park in.
20:34What I'm going to do is I'm going to make a fire hydrant magically appear where Mike Shinoda is parked.
20:38At which point in time, we're going to run a fire hose through his car.
20:41How do we get away with this?
20:43And then we're going to have a parking cop arrive, because after all, this is the cops episode, and we're going to put a boot on his car.
20:49We've got Whitney as playing the homeowner.
20:51Vince will be playing the parking law enforcement agent.
20:55Mr. North will be playing the dog in the bit.
20:57Well, Mr. Lincoln Park parked in the wrong place today.
21:02The law's out to get you, boy.
21:13We're coming to get you, buddy.
21:40We're coming to get you, buddy.
21:42Yeah, it's parked right in front of this hydrant.
21:50So what we had to do was we had to run a line through.
21:53We didn't have time to get a tow truck out here, but I looked at it as far as much as I could, and then we just had to do it.
21:57What is your name, sir?
21:58Mike Shinoda, S-H-I-N-O-D-A.
22:03The woman is a little bit irate about the situation.
22:05I guess her dog was sort of trapped back there for a while.
22:07Is this your car?
22:09What are you doing?
22:10I'm trying to get an allegation right now in my car here.
22:13It's not how I remembered it.
22:16I did not get it.
22:17What are you thinking?
22:18It's a fire hydrant.
22:19You've just seen a fire hydrant?
22:20Who parks in front of a fire hydrant?
22:22I'm really sorry about this.
22:24The valet guy's doing this.
22:25Oh, m-m-m-m-mike.
22:29Honesty is the best policy.
22:32You are lucky my boyfriend is not here.
22:33He would have pissed.
22:34Don't yell at me.
22:35I did not do this.
22:36Look at my dog.
22:38She barely made it out.
22:42There's parking enforcement.
22:44Who's vehicle is this?
22:51This is it.
22:54I was driving.
22:54Yeah, you can do the talking.
22:55I got out of my car.
22:57I took a little look over.
22:58Like this.
22:59There's no red.
23:01This is the first time that I've been here.
23:02I've never been in this country.
23:04Okay.
23:04So, I only saw him for a second.
23:08He told me to put my car in.
23:09Okay.
23:10Well, all I can tell you is the California law states that if a car is parked near a fire
23:14hydrant, you have to put a ticket on it.
23:16That same law states that if a car is obstructing the use of an authoritative vehicle, it's mandatory
23:22that your car is booted, ticketed, and a court appearance.
23:26I am very concerned at this point.
23:27Can you hear this from me?
23:28I'm very concerned.
23:29Uh-huh.
23:34You know how much this ticket is?
23:39I have no idea.
23:40$5,000?
23:42$5,000 at each?
23:43This is ridiculous.
23:44I know that.
23:45Valet service at this restaurant.
23:47Put my car in here.
23:48Do you want to press charges against the restaurant?
23:50Because this is a $5,000 ticket.
23:51I do press charges against the valet.
23:53Absolutely.
23:53That's only mandatory.
23:54It's mandatory $5,000.
23:56Do you have any property damage?
23:57Whatever the damage, whatever the cost of everything I have in my car and the damage
24:02you're about, this valet, this restaurant,
24:04they should be exactly.
24:06We're right.
24:09Can you draw?
24:13Draw well.
24:14Come over.
24:14This is not Pictionary time.
24:16I'm trying to get your property taken care of.
24:18You're clearly not.
24:20He had a collared white shirt open like this.
24:22No, he was probably taller than me.
24:24He was wearing what the other valet guys, the older guys were.
24:27He was wearing black slacks, a nice white shirt, collar, opened up.
24:32He had his hair, you know, he had black product in his hair.
24:35He's a flashy little dude.
24:36Are you kidding me?
24:37My name is Mike.
24:38What's your name?
24:38My name's Whitney.
24:39Whitney.
24:40Trying to get these guys information so that we can get this guy.
24:43That doesn't undo what's been done, though.
24:45Are you hot?
24:46I'm hot.
24:46Absolutely not.
24:47And you're not drinking?
24:48No.
24:48You sure?
24:49Yes.
24:49Because a fire hydrant stays there all the time.
24:52Look at that.
24:53Look at that.
24:53Look like that.
24:53You see that red?
24:54You see that red?
24:55Right.
24:55That's always been there.
24:56Now, let me show you something real quick.
25:00Come here.
25:01You didn't see that yellow fire hydrant sitting there?
25:03I'm telling you, I looked at my car.
25:05From here, I said, is this gray?
25:07And you didn't see a fire hydrant?
25:08No, I'm standing here.
25:09Look where I'm standing.
25:10Do you wear glasses?
25:11I do, but as I walked around, I stopped here.
25:14Where are your bike pockets?
25:15I stopped here and I looked at the curb.
25:16I don't know where it's coming.
25:18Because this is the scene of a crime.
25:19Come on.
25:22You think I could give you a breathalyzer just to be?
25:24Absolutely.
25:25I could give you a breathalyzer because in a court of law, you might go down.
25:29Look, all she has to say, all she has to say this day, you're getting her out.
25:37Not only will you have $5,000 in tickets, but you'll have property damage.
25:41And that looks like a pretty, look at that house.
25:43It's a pretty nice house.
25:45Whitney.
25:46Hey, you mad your house burned down?
25:51That's it, man.
25:52Oh, you're joking.
25:54You f***ing.
25:57Today, I got punked.
25:58This is something known as the Body Shop.
26:01Welcome to the Body Shop, Jesse the Body Ventura.
26:04And let me tell you something.
26:06As my guest, I want to introduce, in my opinion, the manager of the year, Bobby the Brain Penan.
26:16Thank you very much.
26:18It's a pleasure to be here.
26:19You know, a while back, Bobby, you had a dude by the name of Mr. Wonderful, Paul Orndorff, as part of your family.
26:28Is that right?
26:29That's correct.
26:30I made the man a star.
26:31I brought his name, I brought his ability, I brought everything to the surface.
26:35Is it true he fired you?
26:37On national television, that man fired me.
26:39The only reason he did that was because he got word that 30 seconds down the road, I was gonna dunk him.
26:46Now, Bobby, you put a bounty on Orndorff's head, is that right?
26:50That's right, I did.
26:51I put a bounty on him.
26:53He wanted me out of wrestling, out of being a manager, trying to embarrass me.
26:56So I want him out of wrestling.
26:59Now, Bobby, tell me, why?
27:02Why have you raised the bounty from $25,000 to $50,000?
27:06Well, you know, it's very hard to get anybody to do anything more in life for $25,000.
27:11And right here, Jeff, you can see, $50,000.
27:16Wow!
27:17Wow!
27:17Tell me, Bobby, how do you feel about Rowdy Roddy Piper taking on Orndorff?
27:22It would be my pleasure to give Rowdy Roddy Piper this evening $50,000.
27:29Let me say this, Bobby, if Mr. Wonderful's listening out there, what are the words of Bobby the Brain Heenan,
27:37Toots the Wonderful, Paul Orndorff?
27:38Well, to begin with, he's not a very smart man.
27:42But if he had any brains and could use them properly, your best bet, Orndorff,
27:47is to throw your shoes into the ring, throw your crust, and retire.
27:52Thank you, Bobby Heenan!
27:54My pleasure!
27:55The pleasure was yours!
27:57That's the body shot!
27:59All right.
28:03Let's jump!
28:04We will return to our program after these messages.
28:13It's the Freak Phone, and here's the Party Freak.
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28:42Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime.
28:50When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
28:54Pizza Bagel Bites.
28:56Bite-sized pizzas on wholesome little bagels.
28:58Pizza during prime time, anytime's the right time.
29:01Pizza going down is so fine.
29:02So fine, so fine, so fine.
29:04When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
29:09And any other time, try Cheese Bites, Dynabites, and Hot Bites.
29:12When you've heard the engine roll for 200 miles and more, you've got to find the time for time to unwind with a round tree's yorkie.
29:27It's a smoother ride you'll never hope to find among those rich and thin.
29:34From that big milk chocolate brick called Wild Tree's yorkie.
29:40I'll drift away for a minute there.
29:43Boyokey, I've got time to spare.
29:46And I'll take that truck and I'll drive her anyway.
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30:12Profiling the legendary mystery drama Dark Shadows and pondering the eternal question,
30:16How do you make wine from pork?
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