The Conners Season 7 Episode 5,
The Conners S07E05
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The Conners S07E05
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00:00It's what happens when their lawyer starts to badmouth, Roseanne.
00:04I got a long history of punching people in the mouth for that.
00:07Look, your attorney and I are going to be right there the whole time.
00:11If you start to get upset, you just look at me, realize how lucky you are, and you'll be okay.
00:18Wear something with cleavage. You might save a life.
00:23Hey, if you old-timers are done smelling each other for tooth decay,
00:27Jackie, Becky, and I made a little something we want to show, Dad.
00:32So, okay, it's going to be crucial that you remember everything that happened to Mom in the right order.
00:38So to help you prepare, we made you a little timeline of Mom's addiction.
00:42Why does it start with me and your mom eating ice cream?
00:45So this is to show how much you guys were in love and to remind you that you need to talk about your devastating loss.
00:51And then down here is, after Roseanne has passed, you're eating ice cream alone and being all sad.
00:57So, the innocent joy of Derry is a grim reminder that your life is a hopeless pit of despair.
01:04Now, it starts with Roseanne's knee injury.
01:07Here she is doing a classic banana peel slip and fall,
01:10and this is all of us laughing too hard to recognize that she's in pain.
01:13Right, and then that leads to the building that says Evil Opioid Factory.
01:17Yeah, and it was my idea to have the devil poking people that are working there, see?
01:24This is my worst schoolhouse rock episode ever.
01:28The gist of it is that you're trying to say that the pills took away a love that only comes along once in a lifetime.
01:35No offense, Louise.
01:37None taken.
01:39Every girl dreams of a man saying,
01:41you're the woman I always wanted after the other one died.
01:46And Dan, Dan, if this is too much to remember, if it's any trouble at all,
01:50I have come up with a very simple mnemonic for the sequence of events.
01:53So, every good boy likes kumquats when aardvarks rule underground empires.
02:04Well, clearly I did all that work for nothing.
02:23Hey, Grandpa.
02:32Thanks again for letting me stay here.
02:34Mom doesn't want a criminal living under her roof.
02:36Yeah, I'm used to it.
02:37The conners usually just run away from one part of the family to the other.
02:41Before we had two houses, people just kind of piled up in the basement.
02:46So, uh, you're just out here hacking out in the open, huh?
02:50Well, yeah, I usually do it in my underground lair, but it's crazy.
02:55They're installing the laser cannon I'm going to use to destroy the world.
02:59Hey, smart ass.
03:02What are you hacking?
03:03A weight loss company database.
03:05I'm selling their customer list to a website that offers a variety of different cheesecakes.
03:11Wow.
03:12Usually conners are replaced by computers.
03:15It's kind of nice to see one of us outsmarting them.
03:17Even if it is the act of a depraved criminal mind.
03:22You know, I can use it for good, too.
03:25Is there anything you need fixed?
03:26No, no, no, no.
03:27That would be wrong.
03:29All right, now that I've tried to stop you,
03:31I do have an unjustified late fee on my electric bill.
03:35What happened?
03:35Did the bill get lost in the mail?
03:37No, no.
03:37I was sitting on a kitchen counter.
03:39But I kept the lights off to save electricity.
03:41Ergo, I never saw it.
03:45Well, fun time is over.
03:46See you later.
03:46I see there's still a little tension between you and Marv.
03:51He knows I'm not going to stand by and let him keep doing what he's doing,
03:54especially once I get on the force.
03:56Jackie, a lot of things have ruined conners over the years.
04:00But we've never turned in one of our own.
04:03Dan, don't do this to me.
04:04One of us finally has a superpower,
04:07and his Aunt Jackie is going to put him in jail.
04:10That's going to look really bad in the family Bible.
04:13Well, I'm not as bad as the great uncle who hit John Walk's booth, but close.
04:18Hey, look at this.
04:23Uber Eats accidentally delivered the neighbor's food to our house,
04:26and turns out it's all vegan,
04:28so I'm taking a bite of everything before they come and take it back.
04:32That wasn't an accident.
04:33I ordered that for you.
04:34Oh, my God.
04:35I've already swallowed some of it.
04:38All these years, and you're going to win.
04:41No, silly.
04:42I just got my first big girl paycheck,
04:43and I wanted to do something nice for myself,
04:45so I ordered you food to make you feel small.
04:48Oh, by the way,
04:50I Venmo'd you my share of the water bill.
04:53Really?
04:53How do I find it?
04:55Really thrown by money coming into my account.
04:59Jeez, you Venmo'd Tyler like five times today.
05:02The last one is for egg McMuffin sandwich only, not meal.
05:08Yeah, he paid for McDonald's, and I paid him back my share.
05:11We've always done it that way because I like to pitch in.
05:14Isn't that what the sex is for?
05:17We split that 50-50, too.
05:20Hey, darling.
05:21Hey.
05:22Honey, I feel terrible.
05:24I ate your yogurt this morning,
05:25but my phone battery died, so I couldn't Venmo you.
05:29Wow.
05:30I would be less uncomfortable
05:32walking in on you guys having your mysterious 50-50 sex.
05:37What are you talking about?
05:38Well, you guys are living together,
05:40but you're acting like co-workers
05:42who are splitting a business lunch.
05:44Oh, I had the Coke, but I had the fries.
05:46Oh, but I had one.
05:48How about...
05:49Well, since we are living together,
05:54I think it's kind of right that we co-mingle our money.
05:56Once it's in one account, who controls it?
05:59We both do.
06:00Yeah, and you'll get better credit.
06:01Or in Becky's case, credit.
06:05I mean, we can start making real plans as a couple.
06:11Let's do it.
06:12Huh!
06:12Do you have your paycheck?
06:13Yeah.
06:13Sign it over to me.
06:14I will start a new interest-bearing checking account
06:16in both of our names.
06:18Connor?
06:19You...
06:19Yeah.
06:20I usually go to the check exchange
06:22next to Barney's Bail Bonds,
06:24but trusting a bank?
06:26Okay.
06:30Wow.
06:31Look how much I've grown.
06:32I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this,
06:34but 50-50 sex?
06:36Are we talking effort or turns at doing things
06:40or perhaps costs that I'm not familiar with?
06:42Ben might owe me something.
06:45I just want to get what I'm owed.
06:51Hey, got your text, so I came right over.
06:54Let me guess.
06:55You're coming home because you're tired
06:57of seeing Grandpa walk around
06:58in just his underwear,
06:59scratching like an orangutan.
07:00No, that's not what this is about.
07:03But I was talking with the orangutan
07:05a couple of days ago
07:05about Mark's computer skills,
07:07which are like a superpower,
07:09and that got me to thinking.
07:11So I contacted a cybersecurity firm
07:14that works with Lanford PD,
07:16and they FaceTime Mark,
07:17and he got into their training program,
07:19and he is guaranteed a high-paying job
07:22at the end of six weeks.
07:24What?
07:25Thank you so much, Jackie.
07:27Oh, you have no idea
07:29what a relief that is.
07:30Now you can work there
07:32and make money to go to college.
07:35That's kind of what
07:36I need to talk to you about.
07:38I'm not going to college.
07:45Excuse me?
07:46I said I would stay
07:48until it got uncomfortable,
07:50and we have arrived.
07:56You have to go to college, Mark.
07:58That is not up for discussion.
08:00Of course it is.
08:01It's my life.
08:02Why would I go to college?
08:04This training program,
08:05it's going to lead straight
08:06to the job I'd be looking for
08:07when I graduate.
08:08But college isn't just that.
08:09It's the time in your life
08:10where you experiment,
08:11and you figure out who you are.
08:13Trust me,
08:14the shame you feel
08:14when you shotgun a hard lemonade
08:16in your 40s
08:16is intense and immediate.
08:19I already had a taste
08:20of college fun at Sad U.
08:22I'm over it.
08:23Okay, Mark,
08:24this is just all happening
08:26really fast.
08:27Let's take a moment here.
08:30No.
08:31I have to be in New York
08:33on Monday
08:34to start training.
08:36Wait, what?
08:37New York?
08:38Yeah, that's where the job is.
08:40One of the reasons
08:40why they hired me
08:41is because I don't have any kids
08:42and I can start right away.
08:43Well, I, you know,
08:47I wish you did have kids
08:48because then you would know
08:50what it feels like
08:51when one of them
08:52skips college,
08:53moves away forever,
08:54and breaks your heart.
08:55But if I give up this chance,
08:57I'll regret it even more.
09:00It obviously does not matter
09:02what I say
09:02or you would have talked to me
09:03before you made the decision.
09:05Just go.
09:08Yeah.
09:11Being disowned by your mom,
09:12it's not as bad as it used to be.
09:14People are all into this
09:15whole chosen family thing now.
09:17So there's a lot of
09:18desperate damaged people
09:19in New York.
09:20You'll find a new mom
09:21in no time.
09:28Hey, Dan said
09:29this is where you
09:29get your workout on.
09:33Hey!
09:35Let me try these rubber bands
09:37and see if I can get a pump
09:38on these guns with you.
09:39I got my stamina up
09:41and I still got to work
09:42in my strength training
09:43for the police physical
09:44next week.
09:45I heard we got to drag
09:46200 pounds of dead weight
09:47for a block.
09:49Because nobody in this country
09:50can push away
09:50from a buffet.
09:53You set the pace,
09:54I'll keep up.
09:54Let's get physical!
10:03You look a little pale.
10:05Yeah, color is just weakness
10:06leaving the body.
10:08Well, give me a heads up
10:11before your soul
10:11starts leaving the body.
10:13Oh, come on, woman!
10:15What are you,
10:16part Samoan?
10:17Why are you working out so hard?
10:19I'm kind of going through something.
10:21This helps me get out of my head.
10:23You know, you got
10:25Lanford's number one
10:26leading life coach
10:27sitting right here.
10:28Spill the tea, sister.
10:29All right.
10:33Now, don't take this
10:35the wrong way,
10:36but hearing the constant talk
10:40about the irreplaceable love
10:42between Dan and Roseanne
10:43is starting to get to me.
10:45Uh-huh.
10:46And you're worried
10:46if you start complaining
10:47about it,
10:48you'll come across
10:49as an insensitive,
10:51selfish shrew.
10:52An incredibly fit,
10:53ridiculously strong shrew.
10:55Yeah, and, you know,
10:57I know that Dan
10:58is having a really rough time,
11:00and I want to be respectful,
11:02but I have worked really hard
11:04to keep Roseanne
11:05from being the third person
11:07in our marriage.
11:07Yeah, yeah, yeah,
11:08that's tough.
11:08They were together
11:09for, like, 40 years.
11:10I'm lucky that your brother
11:11was such a sad, lonely guy
11:13he never found true love
11:14before he met me.
11:15Come to think of it,
11:15you've never been
11:16in a lasting relationship either.
11:18That probably comes
11:19from your parents
11:19not loving either one of you.
11:23Hey, I've had
11:24some serious relationships.
11:26Uh, getting your biscuit buttered
11:28in a Waffle House parking lot
11:30after a gig
11:31is not a serious relationship.
11:33I'm never telling you
11:34anything again.
11:35That's fine,
11:36because the person
11:36you've got to talk to is Dan.
11:37Otherwise, you're going
11:38to build up a lot of resentment.
11:39You know what happens
11:40when you build up
11:40a lot of resentment.
11:42Uh-huh, yep.
11:42You ask someone to leave.
11:45Oh, what?
11:46So you can keep exercising?
11:47Come on.
11:48Then you're just going
11:49to look even better
11:49than you already do?
11:50Nobody needs that.
11:54The family's taking
11:59Mark out tonight
12:00for a celebratory
12:01goodbye dinner.
12:03You should come.
12:04Hmm, I've already made
12:06my lentil soy fish sticks.
12:08There's nothing to celebrate.
12:10I think your dinner
12:11proves that.
12:12Oh, good!
12:17I have something
12:18to show you.
12:19Me first.
12:19Now, I figure since
12:21we've put our money together,
12:23I think I found
12:24our first dream purchase.
12:25I found a house.
12:28And it's on a little hill
12:29so we can see your family
12:30coming and pretend
12:31we're not home.
12:32Ooh, I love that.
12:34Are you sure we can afford
12:36that after I buy
12:37my new truck?
12:40Look at her towing
12:41that boat.
12:42She's a thick girl
12:43and she's sassy.
12:45But we haven't talked
12:47about getting a truck,
12:48let alone something
12:49as pricey as that.
12:50Well, my old truck's dying.
12:52Now that I'm making
12:53decent money,
12:54I want to buy myself
12:54something nice.
12:56Yeah, but wouldn't you
12:56be just as happy
12:57with something used?
12:59Tyler, my entire life
13:01I've had nothing but used.
13:03Even my big wheel
13:04had a thousand miles on it.
13:06Yeah, but I'm talking
13:07about us.
13:09I mean, we need a house.
13:10We live here, you know.
13:12Darlene is moping around
13:13because Ben is AWOL.
13:14We have no privacy
13:15and the fridge is full of stuff
13:17pretending to be food.
13:19But like you said,
13:20we both have to agree.
13:22Right.
13:24So, we need someone
13:25to break the tie.
13:26I'm going to go look
13:27for a sister wife
13:28who's tired of pushing
13:29her boat to the lake.
13:31Hey, everybody ready
13:33to go to dinner?
13:34All right, yeah,
13:36yeah, we're taking
13:37my old truck.
13:38We might not make it.
13:40You're riding in the bed
13:41like a dog.
13:42You just ate.
13:48Well, you're really
13:48not going, are you?
13:49No, I'm not talking
13:51to Mark.
13:52He didn't listen
13:52to my words,
13:53so now I hope
13:53he will listen
13:54to my silence.
13:55Don't do that.
13:57You don't want to do
13:57what I did to Becky?
13:59What, imply that Mom
14:00must have cheated
14:01with someone
14:01because Becky
14:02turned out smart?
14:03No, I'm talking about
14:05when Becky quit school
14:06to move to Minnesota.
14:08She wanted to talk
14:09to me, but I was
14:09so upset, I just
14:10hid in the garage.
14:12Yeah, and I remember
14:13thinking that was
14:14pretty extreme,
14:15but I'm a parent now
14:16and I've realized
14:16you're just trying
14:17to stop her
14:17from making a huge
14:18mistake.
14:19Parenting 101
14:20is you cannot stop
14:23kids from making
14:23mistakes, and the worst
14:25thing you can do
14:26is shut down
14:27and make them feel
14:27alone and unsupported
14:29because then they may
14:30never talk to you
14:31again.
14:35And if you change
14:36your mind about
14:37joining us, Becky's
14:39paying.
14:50This morning, I went
14:51to the dealership,
14:52and I sat in the
14:54truck, and I looked
14:56around, and I thought,
14:58this is just a thing.
15:00But it's the best
15:01thing ever, and I want
15:02it real, real bad.
15:04More than me?
15:05No, no, I want you
15:07more than the truck.
15:08I don't think it'll
15:09help us if I tell you
15:10how much more.
15:12Look, it's your money.
15:13You should get the
15:14truck.
15:15Oh, that means a lot
15:16to me.
15:17It's sitting in the
15:18driveway.
15:20Can I just ask you
15:21one thing?
15:23I mean, is this all
15:23because, you know,
15:25you're not sure enough
15:27about us to commit to
15:28a house?
15:28No, you're my future.
15:30But you didn't grow
15:32up like me.
15:33Unless you've
15:34struggled without
15:34nice things, I don't
15:36think you can get it.
15:37I want to get it.
15:39You know, when I drove
15:40that truck off the lot,
15:42I almost had a panic
15:43attack.
15:44But now I'm ready to
15:46believe that I deserve
15:47good things in my life.
15:49Yeah, I get that.
15:52You're my truck.
15:54Exactly.
15:56Now, let's go back to
15:56the dealership.
15:57I'm on a test drive,
15:58and I need you to
15:59co-sign.
16:04Nice of you to show
16:05up waiting for my
16:08ride.
16:10You have every right
16:11to be mad at me.
16:12I shouldn't have
16:13missed your dinner.
16:17But this wasn't
16:19supposed to happen.
16:21You weren't supposed
16:22to go halfway across
16:23the country.
16:24You were supposed to
16:25be an hour away at
16:26the University of
16:26Chicago.
16:27What if I had gone to
16:29a different college
16:30that was across the
16:30country, too?
16:31That would have been
16:32the same thing.
16:33No, because at least
16:35you would have been in
16:35college, and I wouldn't
16:37have felt like I failed
16:38you.
16:39You didn't fail me,
16:40Mom.
16:41Yes, I did.
16:43You grew up poor and
16:44without a dad, and it
16:45scared the hell out of
16:46me.
16:48But I told myself that
16:49it would all be okay
16:50because I was going to
16:50save up a bunch of
16:51money so that you could
16:52start a great life.
16:53And if I did that,
16:55then everything you
16:57never had wouldn't
16:58matter.
16:59And that money would
17:00have been for college.
17:01Yeah.
17:02And then a little bit
17:03of it for you to make
17:04a documentary called
17:05My Mom, My Hero,
17:06and then thank me at
17:07the Oscars.
17:10Mom, you said you
17:12wanted to give me a
17:13great start.
17:14It just looks different
17:16than what you
17:17imagined.
17:20My Uber's almost
17:21here.
17:21not ready.
17:26But I am.
17:27I'm prepared to take
17:29care of myself out
17:29there because of you.
17:31When I wanted to wear
17:32dresses at school, you
17:34supported me.
17:35When I needed a new
17:36laptop, you took a
17:37crappy job just so I
17:39could have one.
17:40You never stopped
17:41believing that I could
17:42have a great future.
17:44And because you
17:45believed it, I believe
17:47it.
17:48Yeah, but I believe in
17:50a version where you
17:51were here for family
17:52dinner every Sunday
17:53night.
17:58Got to go.
18:04So, um, call me
18:06when you get to New
18:07York and, uh, just
18:09call me when you
18:10actually get to the
18:11apartment.
18:11And if, like, if it's
18:14possible right before
18:15bed that you could
18:15call me.
18:16And then I know
18:17you're starting your
18:18job.
18:18It would be amazing
18:19when you got there.
18:22Mom, you're not
18:25going to talk to me
18:25every night.
18:27I'll try to call you
18:28once a week.
18:29But I'm on my own
18:31now.
18:32I love you.
18:35I love you.
18:36I love you.
18:55Hello?
18:56Yes, you can use my
19:00credit card for the
19:01Uber.
19:02No, that does not
19:03count as your weekly
19:04call.
19:11Dan?
19:12Are you coming to bed?
19:14Maybe later.
19:16With the deposition
19:16tomorrow, I'm not going
19:17to be able to sleep
19:18much.
19:19I'll probably stay on
19:20the couch tonight so I
19:21don't keep you up.
19:21Is that a cheesecake?
19:26Yeah.
19:27I miss Mark.
19:30Such a good kid.
19:31He's going to take
19:32New York by storm.
19:35Uh, can I, can I talk
19:38to you about something?
19:40Anything that will take
19:41my mind off Rosanne in
19:42this deposition.
19:51It'll wait.
19:51Good night.
19:54Uh, you know, you
19:55don't need this
19:56cheesecake.
19:58But I worked out with
19:59Jackie today, so I do.
20:06The mnemonic is good,
20:08but we need to
20:09simplify.
20:10So, um, I broke down
20:11the sequence of events.
20:12We've got ice cream
20:14fall, opioids, death.
20:17Now that comes out to
20:18I-C-F-O-D.
20:20Ick Fod.
20:22Ick I-C-F-O-D.
20:23Ick I-C-F-O-D.
20:23Ick I-C-F-O-D.
20:24Ick I-C-F-O-D.
20:24Ick I-C-F-O-D.
20:24Ick I-C-F-O-D.
20:25Ick I-C-F-O-D-O-D.
20:26Ick I-C-F-O-D-O-D.
20:26Ick I-C-F-O-D-O-D.