With his firm grasp of the outrageous, Donnell Rawlings (HBO's The Wire) was born to make people laugh.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:30Coming to the stage, you'll see them on HBO The Wire, you'll see them on The Old and
00:00:41Shown, baby.
00:00:42Put your hands together for my man, your man, y'all, Darnell Roland Aguilario!
00:00:51Thank y'all for coming out.
00:00:56I was about to get my ass wet, he's like, yo, I'm from Brooklyn, son!
00:01:03Keep it real, son!
00:01:05You always can tell somebody from Brooklyn, they always lose their neck.
00:01:08Yo, what up, son?
00:01:09What up, son?
00:01:10Everything is son.
00:01:11What up, son?
00:01:12What up, son?
00:01:13The son is all son.
00:01:14What up, son?
00:01:15How your grandson, son?
00:01:16Everything is son, son, son, son, son!
00:01:18Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods is fucking everybody but his wife.
00:01:23Tiger Woods is stupid, not for cheating, but for having one cell phone.
00:01:29What type of player do you know to have one cell phone?
00:01:31You a billionaire, nigga!
00:01:33You can buy AT&T.
00:01:34We're having friends and family.
00:01:36And then he leaving messages.
00:01:39You don't leave messages on the whole phone.
00:01:41They get missed calls.
00:01:42He's like, hey, hi, Tiger here.
00:01:44Hey, uh...
00:01:45Hey, hi, Tiger here.
00:01:47Pardon me.
00:01:48Tiger, hey.
00:01:49Tiger here.
00:01:50Tiger here.
00:01:51Yeah, Tiger here.
00:01:52Tiger here.
00:01:53Tiger Woods got three sides.
00:01:54The black side, the white side, and the Asian side.
00:01:56And it was the white side that left that message.
00:01:58Hey, hi, Tiger here.
00:02:02Cause the black side was like, bitch, if you don't change this shit,
00:02:05I'm about to TKO you.
00:02:08And it was the Asian side that wrecked the car,
00:02:10cause Asians can't drive for nothing, man.
00:02:12Tiger forgot he was Asian.
00:02:14He's like, oh, I forgot!
00:02:16I ain't gonna age high!
00:02:19Then everybody's upset with Tiger.
00:02:21I can't believe Tiger would do that.
00:02:23Tiger should've done that.
00:02:24Tiger Woods is a billionaire.
00:02:26Do you know how much ass you can get with a billion dollars?
00:02:30I know guys with $20 and a pack of Newports
00:02:33would try to screw your whole neighborhood.
00:02:35They're like, bitch, take it in the face!
00:02:37I got Newports!
00:02:38Take it in the face!
00:02:40Hey, hi, Tiger here.
00:02:44Tiger here.
00:02:45If I was a billionaire, I wouldn't even use my real name.
00:02:49Hey, what's your last name?
00:02:50Air.
00:02:51First name.
00:02:52Billion!
00:02:53Take it in the face!
00:02:55Take it in the face!
00:02:58That's my new phrase.
00:02:59Take it in the face.
00:03:00If you don't like my jokes, take it in the face!
00:03:04If you don't like the way I dress, take it in the face!
00:03:07That's gonna be the new LOL, man.
00:03:10You gotta trick people.
00:03:11You gotta use an acronym.
00:03:12Excuse me, do you T-I-T-M?
00:03:13What's that?
00:03:14Take it in the face!
00:03:16We got a wild whale that's killing people in Sea World.
00:03:21That's not funny, but the headlines were funny.
00:03:26Killer whale kills.
00:03:29What the hell you think a killer whale's gonna do?
00:03:33If you go to Brooklyn and somebody named Killer Mike,
00:03:35you don't think he's gonna give you no roses.
00:03:37I gotta get the hell out.
00:03:38Killer Mike is at the blocks, huh?
00:03:41And that whale wasn't a regular whale.
00:03:43He was a notorious whale.
00:03:45He killed two people before he even got to Sea World.
00:03:48Now, white people gotta find something else to save.
00:03:51White people used to love save whales.
00:03:52Save the whales.
00:03:53We gotta save the whales.
00:03:55Once that whale get that white chick,
00:03:57that whale turned into a pit bull.
00:03:59Get this goddamn nigger whale out of here.
00:04:02Goddamn O.J. Simpson whale.
00:04:04Get out of here!
00:04:11The whale killed two people before he got there.
00:04:13That's why I thought he might have been a white whale.
00:04:15Because only a white whale can kill two people
00:04:17and just get a transfer.
00:04:23Willie, we're gonna have to move you down to Sea World
00:04:25because you're too hot up here.
00:04:27He killed...
00:04:29And he's in danger, so he was cocky about it.
00:04:31He's like, y'all can't do that.
00:04:32I'm in danger, bitch!
00:04:33He know you can't do nothing to him.
00:04:35You can't kill him because he's in danger.
00:04:37And you can't put him back in the wild, the ocean,
00:04:39because he don't know how...
00:04:40He grew up in captivity.
00:04:41He don't know how to survive and eat on his own.
00:04:43He used to doing tricks and shit.
00:04:45He would never make it in the Pacific Ocean.
00:04:47Them whales be laughing at this.
00:04:50They out there hunting like George.
00:04:52Dun-dun-dun-dun.
00:04:53And he out there doing tricks.
00:04:54Whoo!
00:04:55What's wrong with this dude?
00:05:00We kill people out here, man.
00:05:02He got his fin flapping around.
00:05:04Feel good to be black now, Barack is in office.
00:05:08It feels good to be black now, man.
00:05:10When O.J. was in court, it did not feel good to be black.
00:05:15People are like, are you black?
00:05:17I'm like, I'm Creole, man.
00:05:18Get out of my face.
00:05:19I speak French.
00:05:20Voulez-vous-couce-ac.
00:05:21They go, ah!
00:05:23White people admit it.
00:05:24Y'all, they was happy when O.J. went back to court.
00:05:26They was like, got him this time.
00:05:28That was like the new 4th of July.
00:05:30We got him.
00:05:31They was like, da-da-da-da!
00:05:32They didn't care what court O.J. went to.
00:05:34Traffic court.
00:05:36People's court.
00:05:37Just get him in court.
00:05:38We'll take it from there.
00:05:40They was finding O.J. guilty of stuff he didn't even do.
00:05:43Jay walking on 42nd Street.
00:05:44Guilty!
00:05:46Can't cross the street on 42nd Street.
00:05:49Judge Judy, give him the death penalty.
00:05:53You know what would be funny?
00:05:54If Barack Obama was the pardon of O.J.,
00:05:56white people would lose their mind.
00:05:58They would be looting Barnes and Nobles and Starbucks.
00:06:01They would tear Starbucks up.
00:06:03Seven o'clock in the morning.
00:06:05Give me all the Frappuccinos!
00:06:07And I'm saying nigga today.
00:06:09Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga.
00:06:11Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga!
00:06:13Barack wouldn't do that.
00:06:16Barack Obama is too cool.
00:06:17I saw Barack Obama speak live in Philly.
00:06:19He made me feel gay for like five seconds.
00:06:22I've never waved like this for a dude in my life.
00:06:25I was like, Barack!
00:06:28Woo!
00:06:30Hi Barack!
00:06:32Hi Barack!
00:06:34Hi Barack!
00:06:36Yes, we can!
00:06:39I was trying to make eye contact with a grown man.
00:06:43I was like...
00:06:45Hi Barack!
00:06:48Barack is super cool, man.
00:06:51Barack always talk with his hands.
00:06:53You ever notice Barack's thumbs are long as hell?
00:06:55He always looks like he can hit you.
00:06:57He's like, now, now, now.
00:06:59He's always stuttering, now, now, now, now, now, now.
00:07:03I'm like, are you the president or a DJ, man?
00:07:06Now, Barack!
00:07:07Now, now, let's be clear.
00:07:10He can say anything.
00:07:11Let's be clear.
00:07:12What are we clear about?
00:07:13Let's be clear about being clear.
00:07:14Just want to be clear now, now, now.
00:07:18But at least Barack think about what he gonna say before he said it.
00:07:21Not like Bush.
00:07:22Bush would just yell whatever was on his mind.
00:07:24Bush would be in the middle of a press conference.
00:07:27Hickory dickory dock!
00:07:29Hickory dickory dock!
00:07:31Oh, shit!
00:07:36You know you gotta be hated
00:07:37if somebody gonna assassinate you with a Nike.
00:07:42Everything Barack do, we got a microscope.
00:07:44Anything he do, it's world news, it's on YouTube.
00:07:46I don't know if y'all remember last year,
00:07:48he was in a press conference, right?
00:07:50And a fly came in the room.
00:07:51I don't know if y'all remember this story.
00:07:52Fly came in the room, right?
00:07:54And the guy that was interviewing Barack got all nervous.
00:07:56He's like, Mr. President, sorry, it's a fly.
00:07:57Mr. President, sorry, it's a fly.
00:07:58Mr. President, sorry, Mr. President, it's a fly.
00:08:00Barack didn't even panic.
00:08:01He did some jet out.
00:08:02He was like...
00:08:07I'm like, I know Barack is cool,
00:08:09but he is not gonna try to catch a fly.
00:08:12You know how hard it is to catch a fly?
00:08:13You would ruin your house trying to kill one fly.
00:08:16You would pull a gun out.
00:08:17Pow!
00:08:18You missed me!
00:08:19Take it in the face!
00:08:24Barack just was cool.
00:08:25He just...
00:08:27Like, let me explain something.
00:08:28The last person that caught a fly
00:08:30was Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid.
00:08:33And he didn't do it the first time.
00:08:35He was like, actually, actually,
00:08:36just put some glue on the tip, man.
00:08:39The fly landed right here.
00:08:40Barack's like, just...
00:08:44Pow!
00:08:45And I'm a hater.
00:08:46I was like, he did not catch that fly.
00:08:47Barack was like, put the camera on him.
00:08:49Look at him, look at him.
00:08:52Look at him, look at him.
00:08:53That fly was on the ground shaking.
00:08:55He was like...
00:08:56I forgot he was half African, man!
00:09:00That was Barack African side of the court that fly.
00:09:03Barack was like,
00:09:04Barack Obama!
00:09:06Barack Obama!
00:09:09Barack's father was African-African.
00:09:11He wasn't African-American.
00:09:12He was African-African.
00:09:13Barack's father wore cologne called me.
00:09:16What's that smell?
00:09:18It's just me, motherfucker!
00:09:20I ain't wearing me!
00:09:26Black people always talk when they want to go to Africa.
00:09:28I'm like, see you?
00:09:29I'll follow you on Twitter.
00:09:30I'm not...
00:09:32Put it on my Facebook wall.
00:09:35Nothing fun about Africa.
00:09:36Nobody got no shoes in Africa.
00:09:38In Africa, if you want Adidas,
00:09:39they just scratch the side of your foot.
00:09:41That's it.
00:09:43You want Adidas?
00:09:44You have Adidas now.
00:09:48That's a funny accent, but it's not the funniest accent.
00:09:53To me, the funniest accent is the Indian accent.
00:09:56The word...
00:09:58Indians will put a D on anything.
00:10:02Count to ten.
00:10:04So it's like one to ten.
00:10:06Dun-dur-dee.
00:10:08What? Dun-dur-dee.
00:10:10Door-dai-dee-dee-dee-dee.
00:10:12Dine-dee!
00:10:15What you say? Dun-dur-dee!
00:10:19They get mad like we know what the hell are...
00:10:21Dee-dee!
00:10:23What's your alphabet?
00:10:24Dee-dee-dee-dee!
00:10:26Dee-dee-dee!
00:10:28Dee-dee-dee-dee!
00:10:31Da-da-da-da-da!
00:10:33I'm all about black. I want everything to be black.
00:10:37I want a black gummy bear.
00:10:40You ever seen a black gummy bear? No,
00:10:42because gummy bears are racist as hell.
00:10:44They come in every color but black.
00:10:46They got orange, yellow, green, invisible.
00:10:51The nigger couldn't have been an invisible bear? Come on!
00:10:54They must have got somebody on the candy committee like,
00:10:56we gave you niggers a jelly bean nobody eats.
00:10:58We're not going to take a chance on a gummy bear.
00:11:04Twizzler went black and her profits went down to 50%.
00:11:07You ever see a bowl of jelly beans at somebody's house?
00:11:10It'll be one black one.
00:11:11That one will be in there for five birthdays.
00:11:13The only jelly bean with gray hair.
00:11:15He even had kids.
00:11:17You ever see somebody grab jelly beans
00:11:19and they don't know it's a black one on the inside,
00:11:21and they taste it and they get disgusted?
00:11:23Like, get this nigger bean out of here!
00:11:27The flavor is even racist.
00:11:30Licorice!
00:11:32That close to niggerish.
00:11:35If you've been drinking, you'll slip.
00:11:36Give me the niggerish! I meant the licorice!
00:11:39I meant the licorice!
00:11:42I found out in life you gotta know when to tap out.
00:11:44Sometimes you're in a situation where you should tap out.
00:11:47Rihanna, tap out.
00:11:50It's simple. Tap out. Tap out.
00:11:53You know, I know y'all looking at me like,
00:11:55I can't believe he's gonna try to do a joke about domestic violence.
00:11:58I don't think a guy should ever put his hands on a woman.
00:12:01Chris Brown, I don't care.
00:12:02Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot!
00:12:04I don't think it was right.
00:12:05That's half the audience.
00:12:06But the other half is like,
00:12:07I just wanna know what the hell she said.
00:12:11Cause every woman in here know,
00:12:13when you argue with your man, you got one sentence.
00:12:16If you use it at the wrong time,
00:12:18it's gonna take the argument to the next level.
00:12:21And women be holding on to that like it's draw four on Uno.
00:12:25You know how you feel when you got draw four?
00:12:30You're like, I'm about to fuck this whole game up!
00:12:33Oh!
00:12:35I got draw four, it's about to be over!
00:12:38And women be holding on to that.
00:12:40They be like, I got draw four.
00:12:41Should I use it?
00:12:42I'm gonna use it.
00:12:43Should I save it?
00:12:44You got a little penis!
00:12:45Ah!
00:12:46Stop playing!
00:12:50It's always good at the beginning.
00:12:51Beginning relationship,
00:12:52you get naked for the first time,
00:12:54a girl will act like that's the biggest thing
00:12:55they ever saw in their life.
00:12:57They like, uh-uh!
00:12:59Where you think you're gonna put all that?
00:13:02And men, we so stupid,
00:13:04we start believing that.
00:13:06You're like, you know,
00:13:07I was gonna give you half this week.
00:13:11I was gonna give you the other half next Thursday,
00:13:14because I don't want to disrespect you like that.
00:13:17Then you get your sexy laugh,
00:13:18you're like, ah-ah!
00:13:20Ah-ah!
00:13:23The beginning relationship,
00:13:25they care about the underwear.
00:13:26The beginning,
00:13:27the underwear is a matching set.
00:13:29The top is black, the bottom is black.
00:13:31They got a ribbon right here,
00:13:33a ribbon on the side.
00:13:34You've been dating for a while,
00:13:35they don't even match no more.
00:13:37This is yellow, this is orange.
00:13:40They got some Valentine Day draws from 1985,
00:13:43with a rip going around the side.
00:13:45I thought you said you love me!
00:13:48Look at your draws!
00:13:55They even had their hair out.
00:13:57When we first started dating,
00:13:58their hair is out.
00:13:59They always come to bed with their hair out.
00:14:00You like that?
00:14:01Yeah, daddy!
00:14:02You been dating for a while,
00:14:04you don't get none of that.
00:14:05You know what you get?
00:14:06You get scarf sex.
00:14:07You know what scarf sex is?
00:14:08They come to bed,
00:14:09they got a do-rag,
00:14:10some cucumber,
00:14:11some blue mask,
00:14:12or a Yankees hoodie with some fresh Timbs on.
00:14:15You think you're having sex with your best friend Tony?
00:14:18Who is it?
00:14:19It's Tonya!
00:14:20Now you take it in the face!
00:14:23You even get noises,
00:14:27make you feel like a porn star.
00:14:28You first start dating,
00:14:29make you feel like a porn star.
00:14:30You barely touch them,
00:14:31they go crazy.
00:14:32Ah!
00:14:33Ah!
00:14:34Ah!
00:14:35Ah!
00:14:36You've been dating for a while,
00:14:38they don't even make noises.
00:14:39Ladies, understand this.
00:14:40We need noises.
00:14:41That's like our soundtrack.
00:14:43That's how we keep our rhythm.
00:14:44And personally, I don't care why you make the noise,
00:14:47just make it.
00:14:48I can punch you in the throat,
00:14:50I don't care.
00:14:51Pow!
00:14:52Ah!
00:14:53What did I tell you?
00:14:55I'm a champion!
00:15:00You got certain years when you're a champion level.
00:15:02Like, you're 21,
00:15:0321 is probably the best sex you can ever have.
00:15:04You're 21,
00:15:05you got real abs,
00:15:06you don't have to suck your stomach in.
00:15:08You got multiple orgasms,
00:15:10you could just waste one,
00:15:11you don't even care.
00:15:12You're like,
00:15:13pow, I don't even need that!
00:15:15I got the 21-gun salute!
00:15:19Pow!
00:15:20Pow!
00:15:21Pow!
00:15:22That's when you're 21.
00:15:23When you get older,
00:15:24you get one a night.
00:15:25That's it.
00:15:26You try to do 90 positions with one,
00:15:27you're like,
00:15:28okay, don't move, okay, wait,
00:15:29okay, don't move, okay, wait.
00:15:30Okay, wait, okay, wait.
00:15:31Okay, wait, okay, wait, okay, wait.
00:15:32Yo, chill, yo, chill!
00:15:34Yo, chill!
00:15:35Ladies, when we say chill,
00:15:36we mean shut it down!
00:15:38I'm like, yo, chill!
00:15:40You chill!
00:15:41You chill!
00:15:42You chill!
00:15:43You're about to ruin your birthday!
00:15:51Cuz once this goes,
00:15:52it's a wrap!
00:15:53I'm like, get on for me,
00:15:54I'm hot!
00:15:56I'm hot!
00:15:58Michael Jackson's dead,
00:16:00I'm stressed out about that.
00:16:02Some people got mixed feelings about it.
00:16:04Everybody got an inner Mike,
00:16:05everybody.
00:16:06Michael Jackson's the only person
00:16:07can, uh,
00:16:08only person can make a grunt
00:16:09out of it.
00:16:10do his face like this.
00:16:13That's how bad Michael,
00:16:14Michael started a new dance
00:16:15just by kicking his leg.
00:16:16Duh!
00:16:17Duh!
00:16:18Duh!
00:16:19Duh!
00:16:20Duh!
00:16:21Come on!
00:16:22People used to try to say
00:16:23Michael Jackson was gay.
00:16:24I don't believe Michael Jackson was gay.
00:16:25Michael Jackson was gay.
00:16:26Michael Jackson used to do this move.
00:16:28Brrrr!
00:16:29Duh!
00:16:30Duh!
00:16:31Duh!
00:16:32That is not a gay move.
00:16:33Women would love that move.
00:16:34Brrr!
00:16:35Duh!
00:16:36Duh!
00:16:37Duh!
00:16:38Duh!
00:16:39Duh!
00:16:40Duh!
00:16:41Duh!
00:16:42Duh!
00:16:43Duh!
00:16:44Duh!
00:16:45Duh!
00:16:46Duh!
00:16:47Duh!
00:16:48Duh!
00:16:49Duh!
00:16:50Duh!
00:16:51Duh!
00:16:52Duh!
00:16:53Duh!
00:16:54Duh!
00:16:55Duh!
00:16:56Duh!
00:16:57I'm talking about Michael Jackson
00:16:58being some tough dude,
00:16:59like, you're on mess with Mike.
00:17:00I don't care who you are,
00:17:01every dude in here,
00:17:02one time in your life,
00:17:03you've been in the house by yourself,
00:17:05Michael Jackson's song came on.
00:17:07You had a four-lift minute.
00:17:08Everybody tried this move.
00:17:10Come on!
00:17:11It used to be hard to learn
00:17:12a Michael Jackson dancer.
00:17:13Moonwalk, I remember when
00:17:14the moonwalk first came out,
00:17:15I almost broke my ankle
00:17:16trying to do the moonwalk.
00:17:17You ever seen somebody
00:17:18try to do the moonwalk,
00:17:19don't know what they doing?
00:17:20They be moonwalking on one leg
00:17:21and then regular walking
00:17:22on the other leg,
00:17:23and they think they're doing it.
00:17:24I got it!
00:17:25I got it!
00:17:26I got it!
00:17:27I'm moonwalking!
00:17:28Look, look!
00:17:29Oh!
00:17:30Come on!
00:17:31I got it!
00:17:32I got it!
00:17:33I got it!
00:17:34I got it!
00:17:35I got it!
00:17:36I'm moonwalking!
00:17:37Look, look!
00:17:38Oh!
00:17:39Come on!
00:17:42Come on!
00:17:45That was a young Mike.
00:17:46The young Mike had the moves.
00:17:47The older Mike,
00:17:48the last moves Mike was doing,
00:17:49I was like,
00:17:50damn!
00:17:51Mike was like this.
00:18:03I'm like,
00:18:04Mike, what are you doing?
00:18:05He was like,
00:18:06Mike!
00:18:07This is it!
00:18:10I'm 50!
00:18:11This is it!
00:18:21Michael Jackson was a king of pop,
00:18:23and Mike was a king of drugs too.
00:18:24Mike was doing drugs.
00:18:25I didn't even know it was drugs.
00:18:27Propovol, Deprivan.
00:18:29I asked one of my buddies from Brooklyn,
00:18:31I'm like,
00:18:32what happened to Mike?
00:18:33I was like,
00:18:34yo, he was trying to play pro football,
00:18:35and then he drove his Deprivan
00:18:36into the trees, huh?
00:18:40Mike was getting super high.
00:18:41You know you're getting super high
00:18:42when you have to have a doctor in the room.
00:18:46I smoke weed.
00:18:47The only doctor I need is Dr. Dre
00:18:48and Snoop one to come over.
00:18:50Mike was like,
00:18:51yeah!
00:18:53Yeah!
00:18:54I just want to sleep,
00:18:57yeah!
00:18:59I want to sleep too, Mike,
00:19:00but I want to sleep the old-fashioned way.
00:19:02Cookies and milk.
00:19:04Watching ESPN.
00:19:06Mike, rub one off till I get tired.
00:19:09It was like,
00:19:10Mike, when you want to go see it?
00:19:11He was like,
00:19:12when you want to wake up close to midnight.
00:19:29This is what,
00:19:30my theory on what happened to Michael Jackson.
00:19:32Michael Jackson had a doctor,
00:19:33was supposed to watch him sleep,
00:19:34right?
00:19:35I think Michael Jackson doctor fell asleep
00:19:38while he was watching Mike sleep.
00:19:42Think about it.
00:19:43Magic Johnson probably just left.
00:19:44They had a bucket of chicken.
00:19:46You get three guys
00:19:47and a bucket of chicken.
00:19:48I don't know who's going to sleep first.
00:19:50Somebody going to sleep.
00:19:52He was probably watching
00:19:53Michael Jackson monitors.
00:19:54Boop-boop-boop.
00:19:55Boop-boop-boop-boop.
00:19:56Boop-boop-boop.
00:19:58Boop-boop-boop.
00:20:02Boop-boop-boop.
00:20:03Boop-boop-boop.
00:20:08It started looking like sheep going over the fence.
00:20:10He was like,
00:20:11boop-boop-boop-boop.
00:20:12He fell asleep.
00:20:13He woke up, he heard,
00:20:14boop-boop.
00:20:16I know, he freaked out.
00:20:17He probably was like,
00:20:18Michael, are you okay?
00:20:20Are you okay?
00:20:21Michael, are you okay?
00:20:22Are you okay?
00:20:23Are you okay, Michael?
00:20:24Michael, are you breathing?
00:20:26Can you see me?
00:20:27Are you okay, Michael?
00:20:28Michael, are you okay?
00:20:29Are you breathing?
00:20:30Can you see me, Michael?
00:20:32Michael, you been hit by some nudes,
00:20:34every man.
00:20:37Simone!
00:20:40Simone!
00:20:41They probably didn't even do mouth-to-mouth.
00:20:42He probably just ripped Mike's nose off and just...
00:20:47Are you okay, Michael?
00:20:50If he don't like that joke,
00:20:51take it in the face!
00:20:55That shit is funny.
00:20:56I'm doing it good.
00:20:57Are you okay, Michael?
00:21:02A lot of things people don't talk about when they talk about Michael Jackson.
00:21:07Michael Jackson said the Guinness Book of World Records for artists that contributed the most money to a charitable cause.
00:21:12Over $400 million.
00:21:13Nobody ever talk about that.
00:21:14Michael Jackson, when he was on the history tour, he never got paid.
00:21:18He donated his money to charity.
00:21:19Nobody talks about that.
00:21:20But Michael Jackson did a Pepsi commercial.
00:21:22When he burnt the scalp, he sued for $2 million, right?
00:21:25He got the money, gave it to the burn victim unit of the hospital.
00:21:28They helped nobody talk about that.
00:21:30Michael Jackson co-wrote Thriller, an album that sold 60 million copies worldwide.
00:21:34It takes a genius mind to do something like that.
00:21:37So if one little boy...
00:21:42Got to get a happy ending for Thriller, we got to make sacrifices in life, man.
00:21:46I'm trying to moonwalk, man!
00:21:49Timmy, take it in the face!
00:21:55Demo!
00:21:57He did We Are The World, man.
00:21:58We are the original We Are The World.
00:22:00Mike did...
00:22:01Not this...
00:22:02No disrespect to Haiti, but not the...
00:22:03The new one is whack.
00:22:04The new one...
00:22:07They got T-Pain on the hook.
00:22:11We are the world!
00:22:13I'm T-Pain!
00:22:16Mike did it when all the legends was on there, man.
00:22:18He had everybody going to the Hall of Fame.
00:22:20Kenny Rogers was on there.
00:22:21Bob Dylan.
00:22:22Sidney Lauper.
00:22:23Stevie Wonder.
00:22:24Ray Charles.
00:22:25Tina Turner was on We Are The World,
00:22:26and Ike Turner was still trying to get her to tap out.
00:22:31Tina showed up confused.
00:22:32They was singing We Are The World.
00:22:33She was singing What's Love got to do with it.
00:22:36And she was looking for Ike.
00:22:37What's love?
00:22:40Got to do with it!
00:22:42Mike, you better hurry up.
00:22:43Got to do with it!
00:22:46But I bet the We Are The World after party was out of control.
00:22:48They probably...
00:22:49That's why everybody went to the studio.
00:22:50They wanted to go to the We Are The World after party.
00:22:51They didn't really want to be there, man.
00:22:53They probably was in the studio, hot, sweaty,
00:22:55trying to get out of here, man.
00:22:56What we waiting for, man?
00:22:57Stevie Wonder.
00:22:58Stevie Wonder.
00:22:59Take it forever, man.
00:23:01Trying to be all perfect.
00:23:02I know somebody was like,
00:23:03yo, just play the song.
00:23:04Stevie ain't gonna know if we're here or not, man.
00:23:09They probably just turned Stevie around.
00:23:11Stevie's still singing.
00:23:13We Are The World.
00:23:18I bet that party was...
00:23:19They probably had every drug known to man
00:23:21at the We Are The World after party.
00:23:22Sidney Lauper probably bought some ecstasy.
00:23:26Bob Dylan probably had a pound of weed.
00:23:29I know Michael Jackson had an oxygen tank
00:23:31in the corner somewhere.
00:23:33They was like, Mike, you want to hit this joint?
00:23:34He was like, nah, I take it in the face.
00:23:38Shimon!
00:23:41And I know, I'm convinced Bruce Springsteen
00:23:43bought cocaine to the We Are The World after party.
00:23:45Think about it.
00:23:46Everybody, when they were singing We Are The World,
00:23:48they was all calm.
00:23:52They were just chilling.
00:23:53We are the world.
00:23:55We are the children.
00:23:57Bruce came on like he just did a line of coke, didn't he?
00:24:00Bruce was like, we are the world.
00:24:04We are the children.
00:24:06We are the ones who make a brighter day.
00:24:09Let's go give it.
00:24:16let's go give it a little choice!
00:24:19Megan!
00:24:20I'm convinced Bruce Springsteen
00:24:21is like the white James Brown.
00:24:23You don't know what he's saying,
00:24:24but you know he's passionate about it.
00:24:26Like, born in the USA, I'm black as hell,
00:24:28but whenever I hear that song
00:24:30I feel like a white boy in a pickup truck.
00:24:32I got my hand out the window, USA!
00:24:34I'm gonna do U.S.A.
00:24:40U.S.A.
00:24:44Because nobody knew what Bruce was saying in that song.
00:24:45All you heard Bruce say was,
00:24:46Ain't nothing like a duck,
00:24:47bibbin pizza till you're in,
00:24:49head, light,
00:24:50trying to cover it up.
00:24:55Like, what'd you say?
00:24:56Ain't nothing like a duck,
00:24:57pizza till you're in,
00:24:59head, light,
00:25:00trying to cover it up.
00:25:03Like, what the hell is a
00:25:04cover it up.
00:25:07Bruce Springsteen is cool though.
00:25:08Bruce can sing and you don't even see his mouth move.
00:25:10Just, his lip will move a little bit.
00:25:27What'd you say?
00:25:31But some of Bruce's music sound like he was turning,
00:25:33perverted, man.
00:25:35Remember the song, it sound like he was stalking the chick.
00:25:36Bruce was like,
00:25:37Hey little girl, is your daddy home?
00:25:41Did he go and leave you all alone?
00:25:45Hey little girl, is he good to you?
00:25:47Can he do all the things?
00:25:50Don't that sound like the theme song to Catch a Predator?
00:25:54Hey little girl, is your daddy home?
00:25:56And I don't know how people be getting caught on Catch a Predator in the 8th season.
00:26:05The storyline don't change.
00:26:08If you go to a house and nobody is there,
00:26:11and you hear, hey, I'll be right back.
00:26:16Get the hell out of the house.
00:26:19And don't eat the cookies, man.
00:26:22Them dudes, members be out, they still got the cookies in their head.
00:26:25What are you doing?
00:26:26I'm here for cookies.
00:26:27But your junk is out.
00:26:31I know, but I got chocolate chip cookies.
00:26:36Yeah, I got the cookies.
00:26:41I had a weird childhood growing up.
00:26:43Man, my parents were totally opposite.
00:26:44My mother was a social worker.
00:26:46My father was a drug dealer.
00:26:49And they had the same clients.
00:26:53My mother be like, you need to get your life together.
00:26:54And my father was like, fuck that, two for $50.
00:26:58My father came to one of my shows, right?
00:27:00And at the end of the show, he was like,
00:27:01yo, why you telling them damn lies about me?
00:27:02I'm like, what are you talking about, Dad?
00:27:04You sold drugs?
00:27:05He said, yeah, but I never sold anything two for $50.
00:27:11He said, you couldn't even talk to me unless you had $20,000.
00:27:14My mom wouldn't feed me.
00:27:15My brother, only time we got to eat was in our dreams.
00:27:18I had a dream I was eating a steak one night.
00:27:20I was happy.
00:27:21My mother woke up.
00:27:22She said, what's wrong with you?
00:27:23What you dreaming about?
00:27:23I said, I was dreaming I was eating a steak.
00:27:25And she smacked me.
00:27:26Pow!
00:27:28I said, what the f-
00:27:29Why you smacked me?
00:27:30She said, because you're selfish.
00:27:33You should have woke your brother up
00:27:34and shared that dream with her.
00:27:38We got toys from the thrift store, man.
00:27:40That was disrespectful.
00:27:41You had to be a mechanic to get a toy from the thrift store.
00:27:44Tonkin trucks with one wheel.
00:27:47We had hungry hippos with no hippos.
00:27:48Me and my brother just on the board like this.
00:27:50We had a pair of skates, but we ain't had a rollerblades.
00:27:51We had those steel skates.
00:27:52I don't know if anybody remember those steel skates.
00:27:54The Street King Union skates, they go from size five.
00:27:56You put a key in them, they go over to size 15.
00:27:58If you lose a key, you got one long skate and one short skate.
00:28:02And you couldn't sneak outside.
00:28:03You'd wake the whole neighborhood up.
00:28:06Every year, my mother would get us something different.
00:28:08I was turning 12.
00:28:09It's like the best birthday of my life.
00:28:10I got my first mode of transportation.
00:28:11A brand new bike.
00:28:12I thought I was independent.
00:28:13I'm like, I'm going across the street.
00:28:15I'm out of here.
00:28:16Take it in the face.
00:28:17Remember when you got your first bike
00:28:19before you took your bike out on the street?
00:28:20What was the last thing your mother told you
00:28:21before you took your bike out on the street?
00:28:22See, it's mixed answers to that.
00:28:24In a white neighborhood, don't go outside.
00:28:26When you go outside, you'll wake the whole neighborhood up.
00:28:31Every year, my mother would get us something different.
00:28:32I was turning 12.
00:28:33It's like the best birthday of my life.
00:28:34I got my first mode of transportation, a brand new bike.
00:28:36And the white neighborhood, like,
00:28:38don't go out the street, you'll get hit.
00:28:40And the black neighborhood,
00:28:41don't let nobody ride your damn bike.
00:28:45Because you know, Fat Tyrone and them boys in the projects
00:28:48be taking people bikes.
00:28:50And when you're a kid, you don't want to hear that.
00:28:52You start talking to your mother any kind of way.
00:28:53I ain't gonna let nobody ride my bike.
00:28:56Look, boy, don't let nobody ride your bike.
00:28:58I ain't gonna let nobody ride my bike.
00:29:01So I got my bike, I'm going down the street.
00:29:02First person I see, Fat Tyrone.
00:29:05Eatin' a fried bologna, egg and cheese sandwich.
00:29:08Remember the fried bologna sandwich?
00:29:09You put the pan, the bologna in the pan,
00:29:11the heat get to it, it pop up like a pursue.
00:29:14Then you try to cut it, then it flip back the other way.
00:29:17And remember that little red rope
00:29:18that had the extra meat on it?
00:29:19You were killed for that rope.
00:29:20Give me this bike!
00:29:32Fat Tyrone came in eatin' a bologna sandwich.
00:29:34And the grease was drippin' down his elbow.
00:29:38Donnell, can I ride your bike?
00:29:41Nah, nigga, my mother said I can't let nobody ride my bike.
00:29:44Come on, man, let me ride your bike.
00:29:46Nah, my mother said I can't let nobody ride my bike.
00:29:49Then they hit you with something to make you think.
00:29:51Come on, man, let me ride your bike.
00:29:53I ain't gonna go nowhere but to the corner, remember that?
00:29:55Now you get as fat as your bike at 6 o'clock in the evening.
00:29:58It's 12 midnight now.
00:30:00Now you know you can't go in the house
00:30:02because your mother gonna tear your ass up.
00:30:04And you be sittin' on the curb, wait.
00:30:06I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:07I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:08I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:09I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:10I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:11I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:12I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:13I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:14I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:15I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:16I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:17Man, I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:18I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:19I'm trying to tell her.
00:30:20Nigga, I can't let.
00:30:21I can't let.
00:30:22I can't let.
00:30:23I'm trying.
00:30:24I'm trying.
00:30:25I can't let nobody.
00:30:26He gon' try.
00:30:27He gon' try.
00:30:28He gon' try.
00:30:29He gon' try.
00:30:30Take somebody bike.
00:30:31He gon' try.
00:30:32Take somebody bike.
00:30:33Somehow, somehow he ain't even going,
00:30:35ain't nobody even seen his fat ass.
00:30:39He better not let me get this fat ass, watch.
00:30:42He thinks somebody scared him.
00:30:43He thinks somebody scared him.
00:30:45He thinks somebody scared him,
00:30:47cause he's 16 and he in the third grade.
00:30:52He was still out, like a couple of hours went past,
00:30:54you out there, you start getting mad, like.
00:30:59Every time you get mad, you try to act like you turn
00:31:01into like a sinister, watch, watch, watch, watch.
00:31:09That's what kids do when they mad, watch, watch, watch, watch.
00:31:14Next time I go to the store, next time I go to the store,
00:31:17he gonna ask me to buy him something.
00:31:19I'm just like, nope.
00:31:22Why you ain't bringing my bike back?
00:31:25I ain't never going into the house.
00:31:28Long as my mama don't call me, I ain't never going to the house.
00:31:31Then you hear your mother, Donnell!
00:31:34Bree, boy, where's your damn bike?
00:31:39Huh?
00:31:40Cause that's the first thing kids say
00:31:42when they know they're in trouble, huh?
00:31:44They start talking about everything,
00:31:45nothing to do with the bike.
00:31:46Okay, okay, let me tell you, I'm trying to tell you!
00:31:49Okay, remember when I was three?
00:31:51Remember when I was three?
00:31:53And then I had turned four, I'm trying to tell you!
00:31:55And I was around my old neighbor the other day,
00:31:58I saw these kids riding their bikes.
00:32:00I said, I know times haven't changed that much,
00:32:02I know parents telling kids the same thing.
00:32:04Don't let nobody ride that bike.
00:32:05This little guy rolled past me with a brand new bike.
00:32:07I was like, sure.
00:32:08Ma'am, bring your little dirty ass over here.
00:32:10Can I ride your bike?
00:32:12Dude looked at me, popped the wheelie, said,
00:32:13my mother said, fuck you and Fat Tyrone!
00:32:16Take it in the face!
00:32:21I know I'm getting older,
00:32:22I was at a club the other day,
00:32:23and I saw this girl, I was like, who's your daddy?
00:32:26She was like, you freak.
00:32:28I was like, no, I want to know who's your daddy,
00:32:31I want to make sure I ain't go to high school with her.
00:32:33That was the question, who is your father?
00:32:36This girl called me old the other day,
00:32:38cause I gave her my house phone number.
00:32:40I was like, call me the house phone number.
00:32:43I was like, call me the house phone.
00:32:44She was like, house phone?
00:32:47Is there an app for that?
00:32:53And I was trying to, this girl came to me trying to dance,
00:32:56right, came with some old thing you could dance.
00:32:58She was like.
00:33:02I was breathing hard watching her do that.
00:33:03I was like, ah, ah, ah.
00:33:07Then she was like, sir, do you want to pop, lock,
00:33:09and drop it?
00:33:10I'm like, you better pick one of them, bitch.
00:33:12I ain't doing all that shit.
00:33:15You trying to kill me, all you're getting
00:33:16is this right here, bro, man.
00:33:26I can't do none of that.
00:33:28I go to club, I don't even dance, I just make noise.
00:33:30You know the person who just make noise,
00:33:31all you hear is like, ah!
00:33:33Oh, oh!
00:33:36Black people, we got a colorful language, man.
00:33:37We make up our own phrases and own meanings and stuff.
00:33:40Like, it's a popular phrase now.
00:33:41I don't know if you've heard of it, it's called no homo.
00:33:43Have you heard of this phrase?
00:33:45If you don't know what no homo means,
00:33:46this is what no homo means.
00:33:47No homo means you're about to say something homo,
00:33:51but you don't want anybody to think you're a homo,
00:33:53so you qualify your statement by saying no homo first.
00:33:56Example, this guy's got a nice shirt, right?
00:33:58I could never go up to him to be like, nice shirt.
00:34:00He'd be like, yo, what are you, a homo?
00:34:03When I say, no homo, nice shirt?
00:34:04He'd be like, yo, word, this is kind of nice, right?
00:34:07I got this in like eight colors, like, no homo, no homo.
00:34:12But you can't abuse, you can't be like, yo, no homo?
00:34:14You got a big-ass dick, dog?
00:34:17Boy, I said, no homo.
00:34:19You big, why you hit me?
00:34:20I said, no homo.
00:34:26And I'm not homophobic.
00:34:27I used to be homophobic.
00:34:28I was so homophobic, I thought chewing gum was good.
00:34:32You know that freshened up gum, the thick gum?
00:34:34They got the jelly stuff in the middle?
00:34:37Anybody ever give you a piece of that gum,
00:34:38you bite into it, and it explode in your mouth,
00:34:40and you feel violated?
00:34:43You're like, yo, let me get a piece of gum.
00:34:44Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:34:46Whoa, time out.
00:34:49This gum just made love to my mouth.
00:34:50Time out.
00:34:53My lip is gay now, man.
00:34:58Everything is gay now.
00:34:59Everything is gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
00:35:02When I grew up, you used to go to a club,
00:35:04it'd be gay night like on a Monday.
00:35:06Now you go to a club, it's sun gay,
00:35:09mun gay, twos gay, winds gay.
00:35:14Thursday, everything is gay, gay, gay, gay.
00:35:19And Atlanta, oh my god, Atlanta is super duper gay.
00:35:24They make you feel messed up to be straight.
00:35:29You can't be straight out in public now.
00:35:32You got to be in the closet with that.
00:35:35Try to be straight in public in Atlanta.
00:35:37They would knock your block off.
00:35:39I was on this block in Atlanta.
00:35:40I'm going to my hotel, right?
00:35:42It was so gay.
00:35:43I had to act gay just so I could get to my hotel safe.
00:35:48I was scared to walk down the block.
00:35:50They was like, where you going?
00:35:51To my hotel!
00:35:59To my hotel!
00:36:03They followed me to my hotel, man.
00:36:05You know, I went to a hotel, had a revolving door, right?
00:36:09Revolving door is for one person.
00:36:15It's one person.
00:36:17I get a revolving door, this dude jump from behind a bus.
00:36:19Wait!
00:36:26I'm like, yo, what you doing?
00:36:27Go!
00:36:28Go!
00:36:30No, hold on!
00:36:31Go!
00:36:35It's like, yo, chill.
00:36:36Chills, huh?
00:36:38Wait!
00:36:38There's a test of where you can tell if somebody's gay chapstick.
00:36:45See a guy put chapstick out, and you hear this noise.
00:36:49The pop.
00:36:50Pop.
00:36:55Like straight guys, when you're straight, you need chapstick too.
00:36:57But when you're straight, you hold your chapstick like a fist.
00:37:04And you hit your lips quick.
00:37:05You're like, what the hell?
00:37:06I'll smack you.
00:37:11And you don't do it in front of everybody.
00:37:12You're like, yo, come on.
00:37:13I'll make you think so.
00:37:14Yo, I'll make you think so.
00:37:19Then you come back and you throw punch.
00:37:20You're like, word, word, word.
00:37:23I'm good, dog.
00:37:24I'm good.
00:37:28I've lived in New York for 14 years.
00:37:29New York is like the toughest place to do comedy, man,
00:37:31because everybody's angry in New York, man.
00:37:33Everybody walk around like the sun is always on their face.
00:37:36Oh, damn.
00:37:41They're like, what?
00:37:43You can be like, happy birthday, what?
00:37:45Yo, screw you and my birthday.
00:37:48I know why everybody's upset in New York.
00:37:49Public transportation.
00:37:51Public transportation is the only time
00:37:52you're forced to be around people
00:37:53because you will never be around.
00:37:55It's like being in a comedy table.
00:37:58You ever get on a train, it's like eight o'clock
00:37:59in the morning, right?
00:38:00Somebody can be like eight inches from your face.
00:38:03And for 12 stops, you act like
00:38:04you don't even see this person.
00:38:07They're this close, you're like, I'm not looking!
00:38:11And then if you don't wanna ride the train, you drive.
00:38:13But New York is like the highest rated city for road rage.
00:38:15If you're from another country
00:38:17and you don't know what road rage is,
00:38:18this is road rage in New York.
00:38:19You got a red light.
00:38:21The light turned green for 1.5 seconds.
00:38:26And you don't move.
00:38:28You got everybody from 14th to 125th beeping their horn.
00:38:31And an asshole!
00:38:35Come on!
00:38:38I got to get to the red light!
00:38:44And...
00:38:46Come on!
00:38:48I think before you get your license in New York,
00:38:50you got to learn how to do this.
00:38:51They teach you.
00:38:53You got to make a left turn.
00:38:54Right turn, right turn, U-turn.
00:39:01Everybody do it different though.
00:39:02You ever see a gay guy getting a middle finger?
00:39:03It's like an off-Broadway play.
00:39:06Take like 20 minutes.
00:39:15White guys are intense.
00:39:16White guys, they get a middle finger,
00:39:17they take it to the next level.
00:39:18They roll the window down hard.
00:39:20They got half their body all right.
00:39:22And the end is saying, like, come on, asshole.
00:39:26I got it right here, eh, eh.
00:39:33Cause I rock, woo!
00:39:38I think I'm a little racist.
00:39:43I think everybody's a little racist.
00:39:44Like, all right, here's an example.
00:39:47If I see an Asian person, right,
00:39:50and I say, where you from, and you're like Connecticut,
00:39:52I'm like, you know what the fuck I made.
00:39:59Where is this from, man?
00:40:04But where's the order, order?
00:40:11No disrespect, no disrespect, no disrespect.
00:40:14You ever notice, anytime somebody say no disrespect,
00:40:15they about to say the most disrespectful thing.
00:40:18No disrespect, I want to have sex with your wife.
00:40:20No disrespect.
00:40:22Just want to get her pregnant.
00:40:23No disrespect.
00:40:25Chill, dog.
00:40:25The doggy, the doggy here.
00:40:28The doggy.
00:40:31One thing about New York, New York got cops everywhere, man.
00:40:33Every, every, every other block is cops.
00:40:36I don't have a problem with cops.
00:40:37I have a problem with cops.
00:40:38They always got to make their walkie-talkie go off
00:40:40for no reason.
00:40:43You know, every second, like, Roger, Niner, Bravo, copy.
00:40:46We got a Niner, Bravo, copy, Roger there.
00:40:49Copy Mike, copy Roger.
00:40:50Thought your name was Mike.
00:40:51It's Roger.
00:40:54Roger there.
00:40:55That's why black guys get arrested.
00:40:56We don't know the phonetic alphabet.
00:40:58They be spelling your name right in your face.
00:41:00Like, my name is Donald.
00:41:01They be like, that's Delta, Oscar, November,
00:41:03November, Echo, Lima, Lima.
00:41:05You're like, who the hell is he talking about?
00:41:06My name's Donald, I ain't no Lima.
00:41:07Let's get out of here.
00:41:10And brothers always talk trash about the cops
00:41:12until the cops actually pull up.
00:41:13You ever see, like, four black guys in the car?
00:41:14They talking trash.
00:41:15Yo, where'd the mother, son?
00:41:17I can't nothing about it.
00:41:18I smack the police.
00:41:19Police don't know nothing about me.
00:41:20Where'd the mother, son?
00:41:21I don't care what the, da, da, da, da, da.
00:41:24They be talking that until the police pull up.
00:41:25Then they get paralyzed on one side of their body.
00:41:29They're like, I don't care.
00:41:31That's the police right there.
00:41:31That's the police right there.
00:41:32Make a laugh, make a laugh, make a laugh.
00:41:38Make a laugh.
00:41:39Soon as they leave, like, yo, if they were to say what,
00:41:41that's still coming back right there.
00:41:45Copy, roger, copy, copy.
00:41:48Those are reckless.
00:41:48You ever see the super cops?
00:41:50These guys, they don't even take the walkie-talkie
00:41:51off the lapel.
00:41:53They just lean into it.
00:41:54They be like, we got a roger for a 5255.
00:41:56They always look like they smell doo-doo or something.
00:42:07You got a 9 or 4, 5, 2, 5?
00:42:10Copy?
00:42:11They always got to mess with their belt.
00:42:12Roger, 4, 5, 2, 5.
00:42:15And they try to get black guys to get upset, too.
00:42:17Like, they just want you to do stupid stuff.
00:42:20You could be right here.
00:42:21Sir, if you could just move right here for me, sir.
00:42:26Sir, if you could just move right here for me, sir.
00:42:28Sir, if you could just move right here for me, sir.
00:42:31Sir, if you could just move right here.
00:42:33Roger.
00:42:34Then they try to look at you with your peripheral,
00:42:35because they want you to think about running, right?
00:42:37And you will.
00:42:39You're going to be like, yo, I think I can take this, too.
00:42:41And your mind, you'll be like, I'm about to go.
00:42:42I'm about to go.
00:42:44As soon as you move, they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:42:46And you're like, I'm about to go.
00:42:49And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:42:51I'm going to go.
00:42:52And you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:42:54I'm telling you, you black, the last thing you want to see a cop do
00:42:59is look at you, and then look at the gun at the same time, like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:43:03I'll have Al Sharpen down here in three seconds.
00:43:10Whoa.
00:43:1290452.
00:43:15I used to be in the military.
00:43:16I was a cop in the military.
00:43:17That's why I would connect with cops sometimes.
00:43:19But I was the worst cop.
00:43:21I never made no arrests.
00:43:24When I was in the service, I went in the military.
00:43:26I went in the career when I was 18, right?
00:43:28And I was a cop with no assignment.
00:43:29I was happy.
00:43:30I wanted to get an assignment.
00:43:31They used to call me a G, just enough experience to pass.
00:43:34And they used to play jokes on you, right?
00:43:37Like the rookie dude, they used to play jokes.
00:43:39I never had an assignment.
00:43:39They was like, Airman Rollins, we need you to come to base.
00:43:42We got an assignment.
00:43:43I was like, roger that.
00:43:45And I was like, what's this assignment?
00:43:46They was like, and I didn't really pay attention
00:43:48to anything in high school, right?
00:43:50They was like, we need you to go to the hospital.
00:43:51I was like, for what?
00:43:52We need you to pick up some fallopian tubes.
00:43:59I was like, I got an assignment, roger that.
00:44:03I had the sirens going, woo, woo, woo.
00:44:06I get to the hospital.
00:44:06I got my cop walk.
00:44:07I'm walking out like this.
00:44:11I go to the front desk.
00:44:12I was like, ma'am, Airman Rollins here on official business.
00:44:15She's like, what do you need?
00:44:16I was like, I'm here for fallopian tubes.
00:44:19Copy.
00:44:21And she just started laughing, right?
00:44:23I was like, ma'am, I don't know what's so funny,
00:44:25but I'm on police business here.
00:44:28Just need those fallopian tubes.
00:44:31Copy that.
00:44:32So she went with a joke.
00:44:33She came and she gave me a box.
00:44:34It said fallopian tubes.
00:44:37And my dumb ass looked inside.
00:44:38I was like, one, two, thank you, ma'am.
00:44:39See you later.
00:44:43I get back to the police station.
00:44:45And I was like, it started hitting me.
00:44:46Everybody was laughing in slow motion.
00:44:48It was like, ahhh.
00:44:51I'm like, what's so funny?
00:44:51You didn't think I'd get here that fast, huh?
00:44:54Mission accomplished.
00:44:59I mean, I was younger, man.
00:45:00I used to have a problem.
00:45:03Masturbation.
00:45:05My father said, Donnell, you shouldn't masturbate
00:45:07because you can go blind.
00:45:09I'm like, so that's what happened to Stevie Wonder?
00:45:11He just popped it off until he couldn't see.
00:45:14But the thing about it, you can go blind
00:45:17when you masturbate, because if you have an orgasm,
00:45:19you close your eyes, right?
00:45:20You're like, ahhh.
00:45:23You can't have an orgasm with your eyes open.
00:45:25You would scare the hell out of somebody.
00:45:27If you don't believe me, try that tonight.
00:45:31You're on top of your girl, you're like, just ahhh.
00:45:33Ahhh.
00:45:34Ahhh.
00:45:36You like that?
00:45:37Ahhh.
00:45:39Take it in the face!
00:45:45Just turning 17.
00:45:46That's why I lost my virginity when I was 17.
00:45:48Whenever I say that in front of a black audience,
00:45:50they're like, what was you waiting for, son?
00:45:53You could have been a grandfather by then, nigga.
00:45:56Brothers always try to act like they started young.
00:45:58When you started, I was five years old, dog.
00:46:01I told the teacher, I don't want these building blocks.
00:46:03I was taking it in the face!
00:46:07I was 17, because before you do it, I don't care.
00:46:08Guys, you can front all you want.
00:46:09Before you do it, you don't know if you're big,
00:46:11small, or whatever, so you'd rather not do it.
00:46:13But I still want to be cool.
00:46:14Like, I would kiss you for like two hours.
00:46:17Two hours. I had all this.
00:46:18Ahhh.
00:46:20Ahhh.
00:46:22Ahhh.
00:46:24I would do that forever.
00:46:25Ahhh.
00:46:26Then I would try to be cool.
00:46:27I'd be like, you know, if you think we're moving too fast,
00:46:28let me know, because I don't want to disrespect you like that.
00:46:31I don't want to rush you into anything that you don't really want to do.
00:46:34And for the most part, they used to be like,
00:46:35yeah, I think we're moving too fast.
00:46:36I'd be like, whew!
00:46:37There was this one girl named Shacola.
00:46:41And that was her real name!
00:46:44I was like, uh, uh, I was like, you think we're moving?
00:46:49She was like, no, let's do it!
00:46:50I was like, yo, chill, chill, chill.
00:46:51And I didn't know what I was doing.
00:46:53I got on top of it, right?
00:46:54I didn't know what I was doing, but I thought I knew the noises, right?
00:46:57I heard my uncle in them do it before.
00:46:58I was like this, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh.
00:47:01I thought that's what you're supposed to do.
00:47:02I'm like, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh.
00:47:06This went on for like 30 minutes.
00:47:08Psssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh, pssh.
00:47:09Finally, she was like, do you want me to put it in?
00:47:13I was like, yo, chill, chill, chill!
00:47:16And when it finally was real time, it was over.
00:47:18I felt crippled.
00:47:19I was like, ah!
00:47:20I'm, what's so happy about this?
00:47:22I'm bleeding some white shit.
00:47:24I'm, I'm dying!
00:47:28But the next day, I thought I was in love.
00:47:29You couldn't tell me I wasn't in love the next day.
00:47:31I was writing poems.
00:47:35I had specialized t-shirts.
00:47:37Donnell and Shakola.
00:47:40Together forever equals success.
00:47:46I was in love, but you, I did not know that Shakola was a freak.
00:47:50I should've known something, because everywhere I went,
00:47:52people was like, that's your girl?
00:47:56No, that's your girl, girl?
00:47:58I'm like, you see the t-shirt?
00:48:02Together forever equals success.
00:48:06Take it in the face!
00:48:08Shakola was banging everybody.
00:48:11I don't know where Shakola is now.
00:48:12She's probably taking it in the face of DC somewhere.
00:48:16I think I'm, I need to get off my computer, man.
00:48:20I'm addicted to Googling and Facebook.
00:48:23Everybody's addicted to Facebook, man.
00:48:25People be putting stuff on Facebook.
00:48:28Do you know what you people are addicted to?
00:48:33That noise.
00:48:35You could be in the kitchen doing something,
00:48:38cooking some eggs, you hear that?
00:48:39You would stop everything, you're like,
00:48:40hold on, I gotta go check my wall.
00:48:42Somebody put something on my wall.
00:48:43If you don't have nothing to say, be like, what's up?
00:48:48Nothing.
00:48:49LOL.
00:48:50People need to get Facebook etiquette, man.
00:48:51You can't just put everything on people's walls.
00:48:52This girl posted something on my wall, she was like, hey, boo.
00:48:56Started off wrong.
00:48:57Hey, boo, I gotta come back to your place.
00:48:58I left my jacket over there.
00:48:59I'm like, bitch, on my wall?
00:49:03You're supposed to put that in the ember.
00:49:04Ha!
00:49:05Ha!
00:49:06Ha!
00:49:07Ha!
00:49:08Ha!
00:49:09Ha!
00:49:10Ha!
00:49:11Ha!
00:49:12Ha!
00:49:13Ha!
00:49:14Ha!
00:49:15Ha!
00:49:16Ha!
00:49:17Ha!
00:49:18Ha!
00:49:19Ha!
00:49:20Ha!
00:49:21Ha!
00:49:22Ha!
00:49:23Ha!
00:49:24Ha!
00:49:25Ha!
00:49:26Ha!
00:49:27Ha!
00:49:28Ha!
00:49:29Ha!
00:49:30Ha!
00:49:31Ha!
00:49:32Ha!
00:49:33Ha!
00:49:34Ha!
00:49:35Ha!
00:49:36Ha!
00:49:37Ha!
00:49:38Ha!
00:49:39Ha!
00:49:40Ha!
00:49:41Ha!
00:49:42Ha!
00:49:43Ha!
00:49:44Ha!
00:49:45Ha!
00:49:46Ha!
00:49:47Ha!
00:49:48Ha!
00:49:49Ha!
00:49:50Ha!
00:49:51Ha!
00:49:52eight pages of garbage.
00:49:59Fellas, you want to get a girl mad
00:50:00when they text you eight pages of shit?
00:50:04When you reply, just put K.
00:50:05They will kill theyself.
00:50:07They will kill theyself.
00:50:09Oh my god!
00:50:10You can't K me!
00:50:12O-M-G!
00:50:16W-T-F!
00:50:19And I reply, T-I-T-F, what's that?
00:50:21Take it in the face!
00:50:31People love to send you stuff they don't have to pay for.
00:50:34Mike just sent you a cocktail.
00:50:39No, you didn't!
00:50:41You sent me a instant message.
00:50:45Mike just sent you a rose.
00:50:48I'm gonna start sending my own shit.
00:50:51Donnell just sent you a black cock.
00:51:00You have 25 black cocks in common.
00:51:04Becky likes this.
00:51:10People addicted to Googling, you know why?
00:51:11Because Googling, Googling make anybody look smart.
00:51:15Because you don't even have to know how to spell a whole word
00:51:17when you Googling.
00:51:18You can just put half the word.
00:51:19Like, did you mean this?
00:51:20Yeah, that's exactly what I meant.
00:51:23You could Google anything.
00:51:25I Googled this guy, Soulja Boy.
00:51:26He has this song, right?
00:51:28And in the song, he says, Superman that hoe.
00:51:32That's part of the song.
00:51:33And you...
00:51:35I didn't know what Superman that hoe meant,
00:51:36so I Googled it.
00:51:37I don't know if you know,
00:51:39this is the definition of Superman that hoe.
00:51:41That's when a guy ejaculates from the female's back.
00:51:44You put a sheet on it,
00:51:45so when she stand up,
00:51:46it look like she got a cape.
00:51:50When I heard that, I was like, wow.
00:51:53Superman is the only person that can do that.
00:51:56And they got another one that's called Spider-Man that hoe.
00:51:58Spider-Man is when you ejaculate,
00:51:59you catch it, and then you throw it on him.
00:52:00But you got to do it like a superhero,
00:52:07da-da-da-da-da-da!
00:52:08Wow!
00:52:10I'm like, superheroes changed from when I was a kid, man.
00:52:14I remember they used to fight crime.
00:52:15Now they blowing on your face.
00:52:18Like, look, up in the sky, it's a bird.
00:52:19Yo, Spider-Man just blew in my eye!
00:52:22No homo!
00:52:26I got bad habits I got to get rid of, man.
00:52:28Smoking cigarettes.
00:52:29I got to quit smoking cigarettes.
00:52:30Especially in New York.
00:52:31Cigarettes, $12 a pack!
00:52:36It's time to quit!
00:52:38I was in North Carolina a couple weeks ago.
00:52:40For the pack of cigarettes, the lady said $4.50.
00:52:43I thought I was in the middle of a drug transaction.
00:52:46I was like, shut up, bring the truck around.
00:52:47I need two kilos of Newports.
00:52:50I'm about to be rich, man!
00:52:55I was like, I'm paying!
00:52:59I was in New York, I asked for a pack of cigarettes.
00:53:00And a six pack of beer.
00:53:01I gave it, he got $20.
00:53:03He said, thank you!
00:53:07I was like, what happened to my change?
00:53:08Barack Obama, that's the only change you're getting.
00:53:12And Mayor Bloomberg don't want nobody to smoke.
00:53:15He got all these campaigns.
00:53:16This is, any city you go to, you got these campaigns.
00:53:18You know, they show you the ugliest sign of smoking.
00:53:21You're like, this year, you had the,
00:53:23remember the lady with the gang signs?
00:53:30Yo, yo, she was like this.
00:53:38I didn't think she was a smoker.
00:53:39I thought that bitch was a crip, nigga.
00:53:41Nigga, I'm like, yo, it's a crip right there, west side.
00:53:50Lashley had one worse.
00:53:51Remember, they had the one?
00:53:52It's a Puerto Rican dude.
00:53:55All right, hold on, hold on.
00:53:57The guy had a hole in his throat from smoking,
00:54:00and he was upset because he used to swim.
00:54:03Now he can't swim because he got a hole in the throat.
00:54:06That's not funny.
00:54:07The funny part was he still had an accent in the hole.
00:54:11His hole was Puerto Rican.
00:54:15He was like, yeah, I used it.
00:54:18I used it like they sweet.
00:54:20Then I got the weapon.
00:54:29I used to want to be, I think every black guy,
00:54:31sometime in your life, you want to be a rapper.
00:54:33Everybody, sometime in your life, you want to rap.
00:54:34Black guy, as soon as you get a mic, yo, yo, yo, yo,
00:54:36yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
00:55:06Yeah you, yeah you, yeah you, it was you, yeah you, it was you, yeah you, it was you, yeah you, yeah you, they pull a gun out of nowhere, pow, now I'm dead.
00:55:36No I'm not, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, not dead, not dead.
00:55:51I can't die.
00:55:58I can't die, da-da-da-da-da-da-die.
00:56:04Can't die!
00:56:06Can't die.
00:56:09Da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:56:12Dude, like, I will buy you, motherfucker.
00:56:15Can't die.
00:56:18You gotta have a certain voice to be a rock star.
00:56:21You gotta have a raspy, tough voice.
00:56:24No, I'm not!
00:56:27Certain people can never be rock stars.
00:56:29You'll never hear of an Indian rock star, ever.
00:56:32That same song with an Indian accent.
00:56:35I swear to you, walking down the street.
00:56:38You cannot, I am knowing that you're a hokey.
00:56:40You cannot tell me.
00:56:42You're not, da-da-da-da-da.
00:56:46We're a dick dick.
00:56:49We're a dick dick.
00:56:52I make fun of a lot of people, man.
00:56:54I always do it.
00:56:55I think every black comic, we do a voice.
00:56:57The white voice always sounds the same.
00:56:59Dude, totally, awesome.
00:57:01Black people always laugh, like, that's funny.
00:57:03Black people, don't get it twisted.
00:57:05We have a white voice, too.
00:57:07But we only use it when we at work.
00:57:09You ever call that cool brother in his job?
00:57:13And he don't know it's you, and he asks with his corporate America voice,
00:57:16Michael Johnson!
00:57:18American Red Cross, how can I help you?
00:57:20Like, what'd you say?
00:57:21Oh, nah, they got me fucked up right now, dawg.
00:57:24Yo, chill, chill, chill.
00:57:27We about to murder these dudes at six o'clock.
00:57:30I take this towel off his oise, like.
00:57:33Word up, sight his oise, like.
00:57:36We about to murder him, sight.
00:57:38Do it for Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang.
00:57:40People blame anything on Wu-Tang.
00:57:42I got this girl pregnant, wow, Wu-Tangs.
00:57:44Wu-Tang did it.
00:57:47White guys, you can tell when white guys get mad.
00:57:49You know how you can tell when white guys get mad?
00:57:51They start shaking first.
00:57:53Like this.
00:57:59They always tell you who you don't know.
00:58:01Listen, man, you don't know me.
00:58:03You don't know my mom!
00:58:06You don't know my dad!
00:58:09They start beating their self up.
00:58:11Fuck!
00:58:13You're nothing, man!
00:58:15They be angry.
00:58:16You're nothing!
00:58:17This part be tight.
00:58:18Every time they get mad, they get...
00:58:20You're nothing, man!
00:58:22You are nothing!
00:58:24You're so nothing!
00:58:31You're nothing.
00:58:33You are nothing, man.
00:58:35Right here, right now!
00:58:41Then they fight you.
00:58:42They want to do shots after they fight.
00:58:43Let's do some shots!
00:58:46I'm telling you.
00:58:47Brothers, if you're ever at a bar,
00:58:49and a white guy coming to you like this,
00:58:51let's do some shots.
00:58:53Get out of the bar.
00:58:54They will kill your ass.
00:58:56Let's do some shots!
00:58:59Let's go.
00:59:00Let's do some shots.
00:59:01Woo!
00:59:02Let's go!
00:59:03Let's go!
00:59:04What are you...
00:59:05What are you scared?
00:59:06Let's do it.
00:59:07Yeager.
00:59:08Let's go!
00:59:09Yeager!
00:59:10I know that joke is not gonna make it on this show.
00:59:17I don't give a fuck!
00:59:25I'm glad y'all came out.
00:59:27This is my fan base right here, man.
00:59:28I appreciate this.
00:59:32Y'all been an awesome audience.
00:59:33I'm Donner Rawlings.
00:59:34Thanks for supporting me.
00:59:35Yeah!
00:59:36Thank you!
00:59:38Give it up!
00:59:39Give it up for Tardell Rawlings!
00:59:44Get on your feet, New York City!
00:59:47Yeah!
01:00:07I'm not so bad!
01:00:08That's wow.
01:00:09You can easily...
01:00:10I appreciate you!
01:00:11I appreciate you everything!
01:00:13At美味しいな大乏 así Effect!
01:00:15Seriously!
01:00:16Give it up!
01:00:17I
01:00:26You just take it away already!
01:00:29I've found some awesome,
01:00:31I've found some awesome team recipe such as that one has such a British Gegenstandard.