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00:00Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Who's Line Is It Anyway on tonight's show.
00:06Hey, what's your problem, bud? Great groups.
00:08You want to take it outside? Wayne Brady.
00:11You want a piece of me? Colin Moffrey.
00:13And knock the face, Ryan Stiles.
00:16And I'm your host, Rick Jerry. Come on down, let's have some fun.
00:28Oh, it's okay.
00:30Thank you very much. Welcome to Who's Line Is It Anyway,
00:32the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
00:35That's right, the points are just like the Clinton legacy.
00:39Doesn't matter.
00:40If you've never seen this show before, it happens that these guys are going to make up everything
00:43right off the top of their heads. It's all made up.
00:45And then we give them these fakie points. Doesn't mean a thing.
00:47We pick a fake winner at the end.
00:49And the winner at the end of the show gets to do something with me.
00:52The loser gets a Bowflex.
00:57I'm not talking about the exercise machine.
00:59Let's start out with a game called Weird Newscasters for all four of you.
01:06Greg, you're going to be the anchor of a news show.
01:08Your co-anchor is Colin.
01:10Colin, you're a frat boy cruising in a car with your buddies.
01:15Wayne, you're doing the sports.
01:16Yes, you are a Miss Fitness USA pageant contestant.
01:21And Ryan, in an effort to keep you strange,
01:23you are an Inca high priest
01:24who must sacrifice a virgin.
01:31And, uh,
01:33let him remind you,
01:33if you come near my desk, I'll kill you.
01:34So whenever you hear the music,
01:39take it away, Greg.
01:44Good evening.
01:45Welcome to the action news.
01:46I'm enormously gifted.
01:50And these are the headlines.
01:51Elvis Presley found working at Doug's Snackin' Bowl
01:54in Dothan, Alabama.
01:56And the tragic fudge accident
01:58takes the lives of the Keebler elves.
02:00Biff?
02:05Fudge, fudge, fudge!
02:07Woo!
02:11Woo!
02:16Woo!
02:20Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
02:22Whoa, whoa, whoa!
02:24Hope we find some women.
02:25Hope we find some...
02:26This just in,
02:32underage drinking is bad.
02:38And speaking of bad,
02:40ain't no one badder than our sportsperson.
02:43Wayne Brady.
02:44Wayne, what's going on over at the sports desk?
02:46Today, I'll be delivering the sports,
02:49but just not any sports.
02:51Sports to each and every girl across America
02:53who refuses to sit on her butt
02:55and who wants to do something with herself.
02:59Like me.
03:00Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
03:02You can do this just like me.
03:03It's your day.
03:04It's the right.
03:05You can do it just like me.
03:06Are you ready?
03:07Oh, d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.
03:09Woo!
03:09Let's go.
03:10D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d.
03:11Woo!
03:12Let's go.
03:13I feel it.
03:14I feel it.
03:15To the right.
03:15To the right.
03:16And you can't stop me now.
03:17No, you can't stop me now.
03:19No, you can't stop me now.
03:20I feel it.
03:21I feel it.
03:21Woo!
03:26Woo!
03:28Thank you!
03:38Woo!
03:38Woo!
03:38Woo!
03:39Woo!
03:39Woo!
03:39Woo!
03:40Woo!
03:40Wow, she's ugly, but look at that body.
03:44Woo!
03:48Yeah.
03:50Let's throw it over to the high priest of weather, Ryan Stiles.
03:55Ryan, what's on tap?
03:56Thank you very much, Craig.
03:58Friday, we have rain moving in.
04:01Saturday, volcanic eruptions that will destroy the earth.
04:05Unless we make a sacrifice to the god of a virgin!
04:09Woo!
04:09Woo!
04:09Woo!
04:09Woo!
04:09Woo!
04:10Woo!
04:10Woo!
04:10Woo!
04:11Woo!
04:11Woo!
04:12Woo!
04:12Woo!
04:13Woo!
04:13Woo!
04:13Woo!
04:14Woo!
04:14Woo!
04:14Woo!
04:15Woo!
04:15Woo!
04:16Woo!
04:16Woo!
04:17Woo!
04:17Woo!
04:18Woo!
04:18Woo!
04:19Woo!
04:19Woo!
04:20Woo!
04:20Woo!
04:21Woo!
04:21Woo!
04:22Woo!
04:23Woo!
04:24Woo!
04:25Woo!
04:25Woo!
04:26Woo!
04:27Woo!
04:27Woo!
04:28Woo!
04:29Woo!
04:29Woo!
04:30Woo!
04:31Woo!
04:32Woo!
04:33Woo!
04:34Woo!
04:35Woo!
04:36Woo!
04:37Woo!
04:38Woo!
04:39Woo!
04:40Woo!
04:41Woo!
04:42Woo!
04:43Woo!
04:44Woo!
04:45Woo!
04:46Woo!
04:47Woo!
04:48Woo!
04:49Woo! Woo!
04:50This just in, virginity abolished in Southern California.
05:09That's been the news.
05:10Stay tuned for when desserts attack after this.
05:13Good night.
05:20What are you choosing to do, Wayne, when you find out we're all going to die?
05:27Just grab the first bald guy I can?
05:29Oh.
05:30When you're trying to be fit, it's the Billy Blank's Kojak Taibo diet.
05:35Yeah.
05:39Oh, man.
05:43Oh.
05:43Let's go on to a game called Sound Effects.
05:52This is for Ryan and Colin.
06:03Hi, and what's your name?
06:05Marie.
06:05Marie, and what's your name?
06:07Anne.
06:07Marie and Anne, why don't you come down here with me?
06:09Marie and Anne, how are you doing?
06:10Marie, it's a pleasure.
06:14You come right over here.
06:15Come right over to the side right there.
06:17Here's your microphone.
06:18Marie, here's your microphone.
06:19Go right over to the side there.
06:20Right in front of the telephone.
06:21Yeah, that's the spot.
06:22And I want you to pretend that you're going to do sound effects for Ryan and Colin.
06:27Oh.
06:27Yeah.
06:28And you're in their scene.
06:30They'll prompt you by what they say and giving you a look and stuff.
06:33Then you do the sound effects for them.
06:35Be as creative as you'd like.
06:36And the scene is your two firemen who are sleeping in the station house when the alarm sounds.
06:43Take it away.
06:50Oh.
06:50Oh.
06:51I thought I heard an alarm.
06:55Oh.
06:58Oh.
07:00Was that the alarm?
07:01It was just a sick bird.
07:03I thought I heard one.
07:04Oh, there's a bee in the alarm.
07:08What?
07:08There it goes.
07:09Oh, man.
07:10Well, we better get going.
07:10Wait.
07:11We better find out where it is.
07:12Let me get on the phone.
07:16Then push with all the bees.
07:17Yeah.
07:21Fourth in Maine.
07:22Fourth in Maine.
07:23We better get our stuff on.
07:28Yours all wet.
07:29Yeah.
07:29Yeah.
07:30That.
07:32Push, push, push.
07:32Shh, shh, shh.
07:34Got to close the window.
07:34There's a breeze coming through.
07:37All right.
07:37Ready to go down the pole?
07:38Yep.
07:39Whew.
07:42I'm stuck.
07:44We really got to wax these things.
07:45Let's wax them down.
07:51Ready?
07:52That new silent wax really does the job.
07:53Sure does.
07:55Whew.
07:55Whew.
07:57Not only did we have fun, the poles did, too.
07:59Yes.
08:00All right.
08:00Come here, Sparky.
08:02Come here, Spark.
08:03Woof, woof, woof, woof.
08:05We need a bigger dog.
08:09Thank you, boys.
08:10All right.
08:11All right.
08:13Clack.
08:13All right.
08:14Clack.
08:15Clack.
08:16Clack.
08:16Clack.
08:17Clack.
08:18Clack.
08:19Clack.
08:19Duck.
08:22Clack.
08:23Your door working.
08:25Bang.
08:28Can't get it to the same lock.
08:30Bang.
08:33Japanese imports.
08:36All right.
08:37Hey, wait a minute.
08:38Let me start up the engine.
08:42Brum.
08:45It's dead.
08:46Wow.
08:49Whoo!
08:51Whoo!
08:52There, that's just started.
08:53Ready?
08:54Yep.
08:55Brr, brr, brr, brr.
08:58It's going to take us hours to get there with this tiny engine.
09:01Hang on.
09:02Hit the siren.
09:03Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.
09:08OK, we're now.
09:11Wait, someone's screaming for help.
09:13Help!
09:14Help!
09:15Help!
09:16Help!
09:17It's an old Indian woman.
09:19Hit the trampoline.
09:23Jump!
09:24Jump!
09:25Jump!
09:26Here she comes.
09:27Here she comes.
09:28Ah!
09:29Oh, oh, we should have put something in there.
09:31Stop.
09:42Thank you very much.
09:46That was great.
09:47Hey, you see, it's soccer practice on Saturday.
09:51Oh, man, that was great.
09:52Woo!
09:53Woo!
09:54Woo!
09:55Woo!
09:56Okay, let's go on to a game called Song Styles.
09:57It's for Wayne with Laura Hall on piano, Linda Taylor on guitar.
09:58A lot of it from the audience is a suggestion of an electrical appliance.
10:07Oh, coffee grinder.
10:08That's a good one.
10:09Coffee grinder.
10:10Thank you very much.
10:11Coffee grinder.
10:12Coffee grinder.
10:13Coffee grinder.
10:14Thank you very much.
10:15So this is actually going to be for you and then the rest of you are going to join in
10:16halfway through because you are going to do a song and dance number from the Rocky
10:21Horror Picture Show.
10:22About a coffee grinder.
10:23Take it away, Laura Hall, Linda.
10:24Have fun, guys.
10:26It's amazing.
10:30I'm going to do a song and dance number from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
10:33How about a coffee grinder?
10:38Take it away, Laura Hall, Linda.
10:40Have fun, guys.
10:41It's amazing, it's hot like lava, you can use it to make your java, it's quite amusing
11:07Best I've seen, when you take your hand and you crush your beans
11:14I was walking down the street, what could I do?
11:18And all of a sudden I was telling you
11:20Take it, and it always becomes a coffee writer
11:25Let's make the coffee again
11:30Everybody, let's make the coffee again
11:35First you grab the beans, you put it inside
11:39And then you grind, from side to side
11:45And then you take the beans, and put it inside the cup
11:50And then your java, your java starts to erupt
11:56Let's make coffee again
12:02Let's make coffee again
12:06Let's cry
12:08Thank you
12:18Thank you, we'll be right back with our who's running under this, don't go away
12:29Thank you, we'll be right back with our who's running under this, don't go away
12:35Welcome back to Who's running under this, anyway
12:41The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter
12:45You know what's weird, you know what's weird?
12:46Last week I went bowling, there was a nude bowling tournament going on
12:49You know what's weird, there was all these naked people bowling, and they still made them wear shoes
12:53Let's move on to a game called News Flash
12:57This is for Greg, Ryan, and Colin
13:04Greg and Ryan are two news anchors in the studio
13:07And Colin's going to be in the field as a field reporter on a breaking news story
13:10Now the thing about Colin is, he has to guess what's behind him, but he doesn't know what's behind him
13:13Because all he can see is a big green screen, like a weatherman you see on your local news show
13:17No matter what, he'll never be able to see what's behind him or anything
13:19He has to guess what's behind him
13:20Ryan and Greg are going to try to give him hints by pretending to be news guys in the studio
13:24So here we go, off to Ryan and Greg in the studio, take it away
13:28We interrupt this very special four-hour Dharma and Greg
13:33With a news flash from the field, Ryan
13:35We now go to award-winning reporter Colin Mockery
13:38Who is covering this late-breaking story
13:40Colin Mockery, can you hear me at the moment?
13:42Yes, I can barely hear you
13:49Colin
13:50As you can see, it's just pandemonium
13:53Colin, can you keep us abreast of what's going on there?
13:56I certainly can
14:04As you can see, a lot of action is here, but there's some over here, too
14:08Oh, really?
14:13There seems to be a lot of excitement and exuberance
14:16Can you describe your feelings with what's going on there?
14:20Well, I'm just trying to keep up with them
14:25Can you tell us what you can...
14:28Can you describe what you can see?
14:31Sure!
14:32Look, in a way it's beautiful
14:36The words escape me because I have not seen anything...
14:42Colin...
14:43I have never been this close to this kind of action ever
14:47Colin...
14:48Yes?
14:49It's Ryan again, I was gone for a minute
14:52How did this all start, Colin?
14:54Oh, my Lord
14:55It all started...
14:56Oh, my Lord
14:57It all started...
14:58With, uh...
14:59A Tybo Kojak class
15:01Uh-huh
15:05People were saving their heads and getting into the exercise thing
15:07And this...
15:08Happened
15:13With the weather as hot as it is, I wonder, might you move aside for a minute
15:16So we can see what's behind you better
15:18Look!
15:19As you can see...
15:21I wish I had my camera
15:25We wish you weren't there
15:26Pardon?
15:27We wish...
15:28We wish you would move just slightly to the right
15:29This is one of those stories where you are just getting in the way, Colin
15:33Am I?
15:34Well, it's my job to be here
15:36I'm gonna stick my nose in there and make sure
15:39That I get that new shape of information I get
15:42Oh, my God
15:43I am going to stick around until I get to the bottom
15:46Hey, hey
15:47Hey, Colin
15:49It may be horrible there and it may be something...
15:51You know, two thongs don't make a right, you know what I'm saying?
15:53That is so true
15:57Colin, can you, uh...
15:59Can you take one giant step to your left and try to guess who you are, where you are?
16:03That's it, there we go
16:04Thank you
16:05Where are you?
16:06I'm, uh, some semi-naked women with bums
16:12Now that's what I call a game
16:25I don't care who you are, that's good TV
16:28Right on, brother
16:29Something for the kids, grandma, everybody
16:32Uh, yeah
16:34Let's go on to a game called Irish Drinking Songs
16:37For all four of you
16:38Look out for Bill and Hall on the piano
16:39Thank you, Bill and Hall
16:40Thank you, Bill and Hall
16:43Uh, wondering for the audience
16:44Is there something that might, uh, that you think what might happen to you that you want to keep secret?
16:48Voted for Ross Perot!
16:50Voted for Ross Perot!
16:51So what they're gonna do is they're gonna do an Irish drinking song for you, one line at a time. So let's hear the Voted for Ross Perot Irish drinking song.
17:04Oh, I-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey
17:09Who's the little man?
17:11With the giant ears
17:13I voted for him years ago
17:15He bought me lots of beers
17:17He was a millionaire
17:18And he had lots of cash
17:21And he used they used it all
17:22He never bought me shit
17:24Oh, I-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey-dey
17:28He was a tiny billionaire
17:30Tiny as can be
17:31He didn't get a lot of votes
17:34He got me
17:35He ran on the reform ticket
17:38And he had big feet
17:39But he's still my favorite
17:41He cannot be beat
17:43Oh, righty-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di
17:47His party was a strange one
17:49I voted anyway
17:50I went and I cast my ballot
17:52I laughed along the way
17:54He lost by a landslide
17:56But I support him so
17:58I wonder what he's doing now
18:00I heard he lives alone
18:02Oh, righty-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di
18:06I hope he runs again someday
18:08Maybe in a couple years
18:10I hope when he runs this time
18:12He gets better ears
18:13Again he'll have my vote there
18:16You will see
18:17Because there is no one else
18:19Ha, ha, ha, hee-hee
18:21Oh, righty-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di
18:28Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
18:58World's first things to say or do on the romantic date,
19:00and, uh, I guess we go.
19:04I brought the limes.
19:11Hi, my parole officer says I have to show you a copy
19:13of my criminal record before we're allowed to go off.
19:18I know this is only our second...
19:20I love you!
19:22Be with me!
19:28You look very beautiful.
19:39Hey! Want to see a picture of my penis?
19:47Hey! Want to see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?
19:55Let's see. You had the Big Mac. That's $2.
19:58I hope you don't mind. I thought we'd just sit at home here and watch Geppetto.
20:13We just want to say we had a great time, didn't we?
20:15We sure did. We had a great time.
20:17Sorry.
20:22Thanks for inviting me up, Melanie.
20:25Nintendo?
20:32Sorry I'm late. Me and the wife just had a big fight.
20:37Nice. Very nice.
20:39Thank you. We'll be right back with our Who's Line.
20:41We're right with this. Come over.
20:42Nice.
20:48Welcome back to Who's Line is in any way.
20:50Tonight we're going to have everybody read the credits for you.
20:53And I want you all to read the credits as guys who are desperate for money
20:55watching a horse race at the track.
20:58Thanks for watching, everybody. We'll see you next time. Bye.
20:59Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Oh, Dan Patterson! Go!
21:02Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
21:20Come on!
21:26Thank you, Dan Wood.