Ally McBeal Season 1 Episode 5
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#AllyMcBeal
#PrimeUSTV
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Short filmTranscript
00:01Previously on Ally McBeal.
00:03Sorry.
00:04Hey, no, don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry.
00:06You didn't even look up and see who you bumped into.
00:08What if I was an old lady?
00:09I could have fallen down and broken a hip.
00:11Don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry.
00:13Who's your little friend?
00:15Your Honor, Ally McBeal's an associate at my firm.
00:17Let me see your teeth.
00:18Hygiene is important to this court.
00:20Show me your teeth.
00:25You remember Professor Dawson?
00:27He died.
00:30You had an affair with Professor Dawson.
00:34Excuse me.
00:35I'm looking for Ally McBeal.
00:37I see.
00:38And you would be?
00:39The dead professor's wife.
00:41I know he was close with many of his students, but the way he spoke about you...
00:47Would you mind speaking at the funeral?
00:50The, um, thing about funerals.
00:53The guest of honor is always dead.
00:56And you can't be at a funeral and say something not nice.
01:01Check stand number three is now open for all purchases.
01:08Now wait a week.
01:09Excuse me.
01:10Is this the last one?
01:11Actually, I think it is.
01:12We've been unable to keep those on the shelves lately.
01:13We're getting a new shipment tomorrow.
01:14Hmm.
01:15This one looks like old stock.
01:16Would it still be fresh?
01:17Oh, sure.
01:18Hmm.
01:19Excuse me.
01:20I was taking those.
01:21You put them back.
01:22No, I put them down.
01:23I'm still getting them.
01:24Well, um...
01:25I don't know.
01:26I don't know.
01:27I don't know.
01:28I don't know.
01:29I don't know.
01:30I don't know.
01:31I don't know.
01:32I don't know.
01:33I don't know.
01:34I don't know.
01:35I don't know.
01:36I don't know.
01:37I don't know.
01:38But if you were still getting them, why didn't you put them in your carton instead
01:54of back on the shelf?
01:56Look, people pick items up.
01:57They put them down.
01:58They pick them up again.
01:59It's part of shopping.
02:00Deciding what to buy.
02:01Whether to buy.
02:02I was still in the throes of deciding whether I wanted those when you just swooped in.
02:06Swooped in?
02:07Look, I don't want to be a troublemaker, but these other Pringles are the ridged ones.
02:11And I have trouble with ridges.
02:13Ma'am, after you put them down on the shelf, you picked up ruffles.
02:18Ruffles have ridges.
02:19Now, why would you enter into the throes of considering ruffles if you have trouble with
02:23ridges?
02:24What are you, a lawyer?
02:25Sir?
02:26Sir, sir, sir.
02:27You saw her put these back, didn't you?
02:28Oh, isn't that rich?
02:29Playing the sex card.
02:30I beg your pardon?
02:31You think he's just going to automatically side with you, because you look how you look,
02:36and I look how I look.
02:39These are my Pringles.
02:40Did you see that?
02:41I don't get involved in product disputes.
02:43Fine, fine.
02:44Okay, you can have the Pringles, but let's just be honest here.
02:47You decided not to buy them, and when you saw that I wanted them, you decided that you
02:50wanted them back.
02:51You pissy little thing, putting your cart in your little Calvin Klein outfit.
02:56You probably only chose those chips because I left them on the edge, and you wouldn't have
03:00to pop a pore to reach them.
03:02Why are you being so mean?
03:04Is it because you look how you look?
03:06I won't even dignify that.
03:08I've got the Pringles.
03:10You...
03:11You...
03:12You...
03:13You....
03:14You...
03:15Oops, oh.
03:45Oh, I believe I'm ready, but love has to bring me, yeah, I got myself together, now I'm ready to sing.
04:00I've been searching my soul tonight, I know there's so much more to life, now I know I can shine the light to find my way back home.
04:15Oh, baby, oh yeah, oh yeah.
04:29Officer, it was totally vicious.
04:32Do you really have to handcuff me?
04:35Standard procedure, ma'am.
04:36I didn't mean for her to fall, I was only going for a stumble.
04:39Yes, you've been consistent on that one.
04:42Hey, hey, hey, can you tell him how horrible she was being?
04:45All right, Allie.
04:45Oh, thank God.
04:46Renee Raddick, Deputy DA.
04:48Do we really need the cuff links?
04:49We made an arrest.
04:50What happened?
04:51They evidently got into an argument.
04:53She tripped the woman, which led to a head laceration and possibly a concussion.
04:56I was only going for a stumble.
04:58I can't send you to the store for one roll of paper towels?
05:01You gotta take her.
05:01You're gonna take me into custody?
05:03That's what happens when you get arrested, Allie.
05:05Why do you think they cuffed you?
05:06To make it harder to paint your toes?
05:07You know, Renee, you come up with sarcasm at the most inappropriate time.
05:10Ma'am.
05:10Don't pull me.
05:12I'm an attorney.
05:12I'll sue you for police brutality.
05:14Let's not forget about Rodney King.
05:17Renee, Renee, he's pulling me.
05:19He's pulling me.
05:20There are video cameras in the store.
05:24This is unbelievable.
05:25I get all but accosted by this woman, and I'm the one who has to be subjected to this, this, this.
05:31Let's just get home, Allie.
05:32Where are my things?
05:33I, I, do I at least get my belongings back?
05:35I'm afraid we have another little problem.
05:38Is she dead?
05:39No.
05:40The woman's alert.
05:41Meeting with her lawyer.
05:43What's the problem?
05:44The store does have video surveillance, and they replayed the tapes at our request.
05:48We're going to have to add shoplifting to the charges.
05:50What?
05:52Your contraceptive jelly.
05:54Tape shows you putting it in your pocket.
05:57No, I, I, I only did that because I was embarrassed to be seen with it.
06:00I, I, I was going to pay for it.
06:02Contraceptive jelly.
06:02Quiet.
06:03I, um, I, I, I was only hiding it until checkout time.
06:06You're not even having sex, Allie.
06:07Quiet.
06:09You know, um, if you hadn't yanked me away, I, I would have paid for it.
06:15I'm going to risk you through arraignment and hopefully dispose of it first thing.
06:19You're going to be the DA?
06:20Hey, I'll try, but you better get yourself a lawyer because-
06:23I, I'm going to represent myself.
06:24Oh, no, you won't.
06:26Oh, yes, I will.
06:27We want the judge to kick this thing quickly.
06:29Judges don't like it when lawyers represent themselves.
06:32I want you to take this phone and get a hold of someone from your office.
06:35Now.
06:36Oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:49Hello?
06:50Hello?
06:51Whipper?
06:53How, how, how are, how are you?
06:55Oh, I'm fine.
06:55He's, oh, a little busy right now, too.
07:00I asked him to call you back.
07:02Oh, fabulous.
07:04Bye, see ya.
07:05Bye.
07:05Ugh.
07:06Hello?
07:21Georgia, Georgia, it's Alan.
07:22Can you put Billy on your phone?
07:23Hey, Alan.
07:25Sure.
07:28Hello?
07:28Don't ask questions.
07:29Don't pass judgment.
07:30Don't even pass go.
07:31Just listen.
07:31Accept the fact that I need help and give it to me.
07:33I, I tripped this woman unconscious.
07:35I stole sex jelly and I need to be my lawyer.
07:37Okay.
07:38I'll meet you in the courthouse.
07:39You know, she wanted those pringles.
07:41It wasn't my phone.
07:41I, I, I, I don't want the pringles.
07:43I should have somebody unconscious.
07:45I stole some diaphragm jelly.
07:49Great, Jeannie.
07:50Thanks.
07:51Happy boil is sitting first session.
07:54That's the one Billy knows, right?
07:56He likes hookers and clean teeth.
07:57Well, you're lucky.
07:59You might actually dodge a bullet.
08:01Now, can we talk about this?
08:03No.
08:09I need to know the facts.
08:11Forget it.
08:11Allie, if I don't know the story.
08:12Renee knows the story.
08:13You just follow her.
08:14Did you bring the records?
08:15Even the x-rays.
08:16It's all in here.
08:17Commonwealth versus Allie McBeal.
08:19Three, two, one, two, two.
08:21Assault, battery.
08:22Mr. Meena, larceny.
08:24Billy Thomas for the defendant.
08:26Renee Radek for the Commonwealth.
08:27I think we can dust this one right at the bench, Your Honor.
08:30We'd be willing to please sufficient facts.
08:32No finding of guilt.
08:33If she's clean for a year, it gets wiped.
08:35She mauled the woman over a bag of chips?
08:38She tripped her.
08:39It appears to be minor.
08:40Uh-huh.
08:41And what about stealing spermicide?
08:43That appears to be a mistake.
08:45She placed a jelly in her pocket because she was embarrassed about being seen with it.
08:49Then, after the altercation with the woman, she forgot about it.
08:52Aren't you the district attorney?
08:54Yes, Your Honor.
08:55But I don't see the point of wasting tax dollars on something like this.
08:58Step up here, young woman.
09:00Let me see your teeth.
09:15You've been in front of me before.
09:17As a lawyer, Your Honor, she was with me as an attorney.
09:20A lawyer?
09:21You think it's appropriate for an attorney to kick people unconscious and then steal spermicide?
09:27No, I...
09:28Your Honor, it was more of a misunderstanding.
09:31And moreover, I would like to admit Miss McBeal's dental records, together with her x-rays,
09:35which I think will more than vouch for a good hygiene, as well as character.
09:38You know, this would actually be funny if justice wasn't truly this arbitrary.
09:42Very well, it continued.
09:44With no findings for one year.
09:47You behave yourself, you little vixen.
09:50Yes, sir.
09:54Next case!
09:57I have truly wonderful news.
10:00Might you keep it to yourself?
10:02I sold the face bra.
10:04You sold it?
10:05A small venture company.
10:07We're gonna do an infomercial.
10:08The deal isn't done.
10:09I need you to close it.
10:11We'll call it the mask for women on the run.
10:13What's this I'm hearing about you kicking a woman senseless?
10:16I tripped her.
10:17She got a little cut on her head.
10:18And who told you?
10:20The board of bar overseers.
10:21Excuse me?
10:22Judge Boyle made a report.
10:24They just suspended your license.
10:25What?
10:26Who will do my patent?
10:27They scheduled a hearing for tomorrow.
10:28They suspended my license?
10:30Carly, you can't just attack somebody over a snack treat.
10:32That's not a fishism.
10:33That's just a rule of common sense.
10:34Yes, they also said you swiped some gyno cream.
10:37Any truth to that?
10:42I sold my face bra.
10:47Nothing if nuts around it.
10:52Look what they've done to my song.
10:59Look what they've done to my song.
11:04Can they really suspend her?
11:06They can, but I bet they just want to look her over, give her a warning.
11:09Not that she'd take it.
11:10To me, a Pringle shouldn't be a button pusher.
11:12Isn't it rude to talk about somebody like they're not in the room?
11:15Might be in the same room, Allie, but different planet.
11:18I'm kidding.
11:19Vigons, whatever.
11:20I got the names of who will be sitting tomorrow.
11:23I got the names of who will be sitting tomorrow.
11:23Henrietta Fulham, Johnson Hawke, and Marshall Pink.
11:26Let me see that.
11:30You?
11:31How can you smoke those disgusting things?
11:34They lend intrigue to my character.
11:35These guys fall to the serious side, Billy.
11:39Can you represent her?
11:40Sure.
11:40I'll go, too.
11:41Back you out.
11:42I don't know what's going on here.
11:43I mean, lawyers have committed dangerous crimes, and they're not brought before the board,
11:48and this was an altercation.
11:50I mean, this seems like a practical joke.
11:52Well, this panel?
11:53No joke.
11:53And Pink?
11:54Conservative?
11:55No sense of humor?
11:55Christian?
11:56I don't know, Jill could be troubled.
11:58Oh, great.
12:01It's the only thing that I can do half-right
12:06And it's turning out all wrong
12:09I left what they've done to my song
12:14What that tape does not reflect is the provocation by Mrs. Clarkson.
12:37Plus, I'd remind the panel there's been no criminal finding against Ms. McBeal.
12:41This isn't about criminal wrongdoing.
12:43It's about mental fitness.
12:44What?
12:45Your Honor, there is no basis for this board to question her mental fitness.
12:50Oh, but there is, Counsel.
12:51I'd certainly like to hear it.
12:57First off, we have the assault in the supermarket.
13:00Second, Professor James Dawson was a friend of mine.
13:03I had the curious experience of attending his funeral last week,
13:07listening to Ms. McBeal's eulogy, which was bizarre, to say the least.
13:13Do you see the man seated back there, Ms. McBeal?
13:18Sorry.
13:19Hey!
13:19Did you accost that man on the street because he didn't seem apologetic enough after accidentally bumping into you?
13:25There's a context to that.
13:27Did you submit your dental records in court as mitigating circumstances for last night's attack?
13:33Which attack was motivated by your inability to secure the potato chip of your choice?
13:39Ms. McBeal, we're not about to deny your due process, but I'm going to be frank.
13:42Look, we're in a time where the bar and lawyers are increasingly subjected to public score.
13:48You trip people in supermarkets.
13:51You steal spermicidal jelly.
13:53You punch people on the street.
13:56I personally saw you acting very erratically on a pulpit.
13:59Oh, what?
14:00That there is an explanation for all of it, every last bit.
14:03And you'll get your chance to present it.
14:05We scheduled an evidentiary hearing for tomorrow, 10 o'clock.
14:09Between now and that time, you'd serve yourself well not to attack anybody.
14:23This is beyond ridiculous.
14:25They can't threaten to take away my license over a pedestrian in the street.
14:29They subpoenaed me.
14:30What?
14:31Who?
14:31The board.
14:32They want me to appear to talk about Allie.
14:33You?
14:34Why?
14:34I don't know.
14:36Oh, don't look so worried.
14:37I'm on your side.
14:38Well, that's what worries me.
14:39Why do they want her?
14:40Elena, have you said anything to anybody about Allie?
14:42I don't know.
14:43I say so many things to so many people.
14:45I'm sure she's popped into conversation.
14:47What did you say?
14:48Bygones.
14:49It's not bygones.
14:50Not everything's a bygone.
14:50What did you say?
14:51Snappish.
14:52All right, look.
14:53Evidently, the pedestrian followed you after you belted him, found out your name, then reported
14:56you.
14:56Then Judge Boyle decided that...
14:57Billings.
14:58What?
14:58I...
14:58That Judge Pinkye.
15:00I've seen him before.
15:00He's a friend of Jack Billings.
15:02This is payback.
15:03Okay, maybe it is.
15:04Maybe it isn't, but they go after one of us, we all go after them.
15:06Where's the biscuit?
15:07He's still in Syracuse.
15:08Well, you got the two of us, right behind you.
15:10And me.
15:11It wasn't supposed to be like this.
15:31You become a lawyer, you get interesting cases, you meet interesting men at the symphony.
15:35You're supposed to be able to send your whole life to the dry cleaners, and it's supposed
15:39to come back all pretty and neat on a hanger, and then...
15:42It wasn't supposed to be like this, Renee.
15:45I agree.
15:46I agree.
15:47But can we talk about this?
15:50No!
15:51Allie, last week you danced with Billy.
15:55Does this have his name on it?
15:57Oh, yeah.
15:59That's just what I'm about to do.
16:00I'm about to have an affair with another married man.
16:02Are you...
16:03It...
16:03It was just...
16:04It was on sale.
16:07I don't mean this in an insulting way, but you're not a sexually spontaneous person.
16:12You won't even go to bed with a man unless you storyboard it first.
16:15This means something.
16:17This hasn't intended.
16:19Who is it?
16:20Even if you were right, I don't have to tell you.
16:22I agree.
16:22You don't.
16:23No.
16:24But if you were going to tell me, who is it?
16:30Omar Sharif.
16:32Omar what?
16:33Sharif.
16:34Omar Sharif.
16:35You don't know who Omar Sharif is?
16:37No.
16:37He's the guy in Funny Girl who shows up at the stage door.
16:40He's the...
16:41He's the guy who just walks in from another world.
16:44The guy who...
16:45The guy who's...
16:45Who's looking for my door.
16:47Uh, if they ask you about this that you're hearing tomorrow, I wouldn't give that answer.
16:57Okay.
17:00It was definitely with malice.
17:03What you can't tell from the video is that she locked her ankle.
17:07There was no give to it.
17:08Ma'am, I think the video does speak for what happened.
17:11Our interest lies in her mental state leading to the event.
17:14Did she seem erratic to you?
17:18Well, anyone who would commit mayhem for a potato chip.
17:22What we are trying to get at is her demeanor.
17:25Her emotional state.
17:27You don't have to argue the merits of what happened.
17:29Did she sound unstable at all?
17:32Your Honor, why ask this woman answers when you seem so willing to provide them yourself?
17:36Counsel...
17:37This is an equivalent of a traffic dispute, and you're leading the witness to give testimony.
17:41The rules of evidence don't apply here.
17:44How about the rules of fairness?
17:45Why don't you sit down and humor us?
17:48Could you do that?
17:49Your Honors, I'd like to apologize for Mr. Thomas' hostility.
17:51As much as I constantly stress the need for civility, he continues to have these reactions to witch hunts, particularly when they're so blatant.
17:59That wasn't constructive.
18:03Neither were you, technically.
18:04I didn't outright insult the board.
18:06Well, I was angry.
18:07It's not like you to be human, Richard, much less show it.
18:09It is a witch hunt, isn't it?
18:11It has to be.
18:11The board of bar overseers don't just haul people in because...
18:15Billy, Billy, you...
18:16Is she...
18:17This is a small town.
18:18Word around the courthouse is she's shaking.
18:20Why?
18:20She hasn't really done anything to...
18:22Chaney left us.
18:23Took his business elsewhere.
18:25Really?
18:26Well, that's just a personal thing.
18:27I asked him that.
18:28He said part was personal, but part was he really has concerns trusting she strikes him as really being a little unstable.
18:34She's fine.
18:35She's still in love with you, isn't she?
18:36No, she's not in love with you.
18:37Maybe it's just too much for her to work out with you.
18:39She's fine.
18:40Okay.
18:41You know, just for the sake of making conversation, you've seemed a little tense ever since she's been here, too.
18:46I don't know what you're talking about.
18:47Seriously.
18:49From deep inside the tears I was to cry.
18:55From deep inside the pain I chose to hide.
19:05Just walk away, remember.
19:08Allie, it's time to leave this law firm.
19:10Why?
19:11Enough is enough.
19:12You're in love with Billy.
19:13I am not in love with Billy.
19:14Allie, I see it.
19:15Dammit, you're up, you're down, happy one minute sadness.
19:18And what did you see before I went to that firm?
19:20One day, just like the next, like the next, like the next, like the next.
19:24It's not dull here, Renee.
19:26I certainly know that I'm alive.
19:28I'm going to say this just once.
19:35She's talking to you.
19:37Look, if you're going to stay there, you at least have to protect yourself better.
19:43Like how?
19:44Well, when I broke up with Willie Blue.
19:46Remember second year?
19:47Oh, do I.
19:48Anytime I bumped into him or saw him, I'd imagine his new girlfriend strewn all over him.
19:54And it would keep me from getting sucked back in.
19:56I am not getting sucked back in.
19:58I'm fine.
19:59Nobody's sucking me anywhere.
20:00If you say so.
20:01I say so.
20:02Fine.
20:02Fine.
20:05Just walk away, Renee.
20:08You won't see me following you back home.
20:15Miss Vassal, you work directly for Miss McBeal, correct?
20:20Well, I like to think I work with her.
20:24Autonomy is a very important ingredient for personal esteem,
20:26and I've always been conscious to nurture mine.
20:30I'm in constant preparation to be a mother.
20:34You like Miss McBeal.
20:37Very much.
20:38And you have no agenda against her?
20:41Very much not.
20:42Okay.
20:43The reason we subpoenaed you,
20:44do you recall making statements about Miss McBeal?
20:49No, I do not.
20:50You've never talked about her?
20:52Well, of course I talk about her all the time.
20:54I also have allergies,
20:56but I'd be at a loss to recall a specific sneeze.
21:00Specifically,
21:01do you recall ever saying, in your opinion,
21:04you thought Miss McBeal was on the verge of a nervous breakdown?
21:09Did you say that to anybody, Miss Vassal?
21:16There was a time when I thought she was struggling, but...
21:18You did say it.
21:19I said that in defense of her
21:21to explain why she was acting so crazy.
21:23Did you ever tell anybody
21:25she was two-thirds of a Rice Krispie,
21:28she's already snapped and crackled,
21:31and she's close to the final pop?
21:34Did you make that representation?
21:41Sometimes I just say things
21:43to make people think I'm a wordsmith.
21:44Do you believe her to be on the verge
21:51of a nervous breakdown?
21:52Absolutely not.
21:54Do you believe Miss McBeal
21:55to be a mentally fit person?
21:58I most certainly do.
22:00Since she is your boss,
22:01is it possible you feel a little duress
22:03to say that today?
22:04Well, let me tell you something.
22:06Not only do I like her,
22:07but I trust her as a lawyer.
22:09I vested her with getting the patent on my face bra.
22:12Your what?
22:13My revolutionary invention to reduce aging.
22:16The face bra.
22:17Wrinkles can just be a function of gravity.
22:20It's a miracle mask.
22:22Would you like me to demonstrate?
22:23No.
22:23Yes.
22:24No, I'd like to stick to Miss McBeal.
22:26Oh.
22:27Take a number.
22:28Miss Bassel,
22:29why would you say
22:30she was about to have a breakdown
22:31if you didn't mean it?
22:32Because I enjoy being
22:33the center of conversation,
22:35and sometimes to say centered,
22:36you have to embellish.
22:38And let me say something else.
22:39She was only erratic at that funeral
22:41because she had had
22:42an extramatural affair
22:43with a dead professor
22:44that she was eulogizing.
22:45And as for that emotional instability
22:47that everybody's talking about,
22:48that's only because
22:49she was suddenly thrust
22:50into a working relationship
22:51with a man that she still loves.
22:53Which isn't that absurd,
22:54given that they were sweethearts
22:55since childhood,
22:56where they'd sniff each other's buttocks
22:57in the park?
22:59There is nothing wrong with her.
23:01I am so sorry.
23:06Those things I said,
23:07I really said them to explain,
23:08to help you.
23:09I should have known I was dead
23:10as soon as you sided with me.
23:12Ali, I know on occasion
23:14that my motives can be misconstrued,
23:15but you have to believe me.
23:17I would never mean to undermine you.
23:19You are my favorite boss ever.
23:22With the troubles
23:23that you get yourself into,
23:25I truly look forward
23:26to coming in here every day.
23:27It was Ronald Chaney, wasn't it?
23:29The person that you told
23:29all those things to in my defense.
23:30It was Chaney.
23:31I really don't want to say,
23:32I think it's only going
23:33to cause us more friction.
23:34Oh, no, no, see,
23:34you don't have to worry
23:35because I am done with the guy.
23:37I just can't believe
23:38that he would actually
23:39go to the bar.
23:39It wasn't Ronald Chaney
23:40that I told.
23:41Then who?
23:43Judge Cone.
23:45Whipper?
23:46I wanted her to understand
23:47how you could be such a budinsky
23:48between her and Richard,
23:49and I wanted to understand
23:50that you weren't acting
23:50with any malice.
23:52Whipper.
23:53The whipper.
23:55I had no choice.
23:56No choice?
23:57Ali, as a member of the bar,
23:58if I have information
23:59that any other member
24:00may be mentally unstable,
24:01it's my obligation.
24:02Check that.
24:03My legal duty to report it.
24:05Any lawyer has that duty.
24:07As a judge, I feel very...
24:07Oh, now you start
24:08acting like a judge?
24:12I didn't tell the bar
24:13that I believed
24:14what Elaine said.
24:15I only reported
24:16that it was told to me.
24:17Well, you wouldn't have reported it
24:19if you didn't think
24:19that she might be right.
24:21Well, not many young associates
24:23will charge into a judge's office
24:25and question her right
24:27to wear the robe.
24:28I did that because
24:29you cheated on Richard.
24:30Ali, I'm on the board
24:31of overseers.
24:32I know about you
24:32punching the pedestrian.
24:34There are rumors
24:34flying around that courthouse
24:36that you are a little erratic.
24:37What?
24:38My bet is Jack Billings
24:39started those rumors
24:40after you sued them.
24:41I don't know,
24:41but add to the talk
24:42that you committed
24:43two physical assaults,
24:44shoplifted,
24:45and have a secretary
24:45that said you were
24:46on the verge
24:46of having a nervous breakdown.
24:48I had to recommend
24:49that they at least
24:49check you out.
24:52Do you think I'm nuts?
24:54No.
24:56But I'm not sure
24:57you have two feet
24:58on the ground either.
25:01You mean some people do?
25:03Sometimes I'm tempted
25:21to become a street person
25:22cut off from society,
25:24but then I wouldn't get
25:27to wear my outfits.
25:28in between the mischief
25:31and control.
25:40What were you thinking
25:42when you stuck your foot out?
25:45Only that if she was
25:46to walk away with the Pringles,
25:47it shouldn't be proudly.
25:49I never meant for her to fall,
25:50especially into canned goods.
25:53Have you ever undergone
25:54any impulse control therapy,
25:57Ms. McBeal?
25:59No.
26:00I have never undergone
26:02impulse control therapy.
26:05Since I had the fortuitous luck
26:07of being at last week's funeral
26:08where you so oddly
26:11eulogized the deceit...
26:12Your Honor,
26:13I think Ms. Vassel
26:14already filled in
26:14some of the blanks there.
26:16This was a professor
26:17I had an adulterous affair
26:19with,
26:19something I am not proud of.
26:21I was asked to eulogize him
26:23by his wife.
26:26The circumstances
26:27were a little extreme
26:28and if I was lacking
26:28in poise,
26:29I apologize.
26:31I'm picking up
26:32a little contempt
26:33in your tone.
26:35Then it would be smart
26:36for me to apologize
26:37for that too,
26:39wouldn't it?
26:40Ms. McBeal,
26:40if you have anger,
26:42feel free to express it.
26:43But you would judge me
26:45for it,
26:45Your Honor.
26:46It'd be wiser
26:47for me to sit here
26:48politely and privately
26:49pray that you should happen
26:50by me doing groceries.
26:51Now,
26:52imagine a young lawyer,
26:54her future lying
26:55in your hands.
26:56Who would say
26:57such a thing?
26:58She would either
26:59have to be enormously crazy
27:00or you would have to be
27:01enough of an ass
27:02to deserve the remark
27:03no matter what the risk.
27:05And since you're the judge,
27:06I'm going to let you decide
27:07but not until I finish
27:08and I haven't finished.
27:10That woman abused me
27:12in that supermarket.
27:13Now,
27:13yes,
27:13I overreacted
27:14but there was
27:15a context.
27:17And as for all
27:18the other evidence
27:18against me,
27:19that stuff about me
27:20being emotional,
27:22falling in love
27:23with men
27:23whose bottoms
27:24I've smelled,
27:25submitting x-rays
27:26to a judge
27:26who has a tooth fetish
27:27and sleeps with hookers,
27:29snapping at pedestrians
27:29who think that
27:30a square shoulder
27:31can be mitigated
27:32by I'm sorry,
27:32I am human,
27:34I am temperamental,
27:35I am guilty.
27:39Now,
27:40I'm finished.
27:44You certainly are.
27:49How the hell
27:49could you do that?
27:50Do you have
27:51some professional death wish?
27:52I wasn't about
27:52to just sit there
27:53and kowtow, Billy.
27:53There is a middle ground
27:54between kowtowing
27:56and launching grenades,
27:57Allie.
27:57How could you do that?
27:58Because I'm crazy.
27:59Isn't that what
28:00everybody keeps saying?
28:00I'm a lunatic.
28:02Tomorrow,
28:03I would just stand up
28:04and plead PMS.
28:06That always gets...
28:06Ouch!
28:07Snap a stereo.
28:14Allie,
28:18I gotta admit,
28:19you do seem
28:21a little
28:21off balance.
28:23Who wants to be
28:24balanced, Billy?
28:25Balance is way overrated.
28:27Well, what if I don't
28:28want to be balanced?
28:28Did you ever think about that?
28:29Then you should be happy
28:31and you don't seem happy.
28:34Happiness is overrated, too.
28:37You and Chaney,
28:38is there a...
28:39No!
28:40Not that it's any
28:41of my business,
28:41but what were you doing
28:42buying contraception?
28:43Forget it.
28:44It's none of my business.
28:44Well, it most certainly is.
28:48I'd be lying
28:49if I said I wasn't
28:50a little worried about you.
28:54Did you ever buy
28:55a lottery ticket?
28:57What?
28:57A lottery ticket.
28:58Did you ever buy one?
29:00A couple of times,
29:01maybe.
29:01Why?
29:02Well, I buy them sometimes.
29:05I mean,
29:05not that I think
29:05that I would ever win,
29:06but I just...
29:07I like to hold it
29:08in my hand
29:10and think,
29:12what if?
29:14That's why I bought
29:17that contraceptive jelly,
29:18I thought.
29:19I thought,
29:20what if?
29:22What if I'm walking
29:23down the street
29:24and I suddenly
29:26march right into somebody
29:27and we just know
29:28immediately off of one look
29:29that we were meant
29:30for each other
29:30and it's like
29:33Barbara Streisand
29:33and Omar Sharif,
29:34but instead of singing
29:35about it,
29:36we go off
29:37and make passionate love.
29:42Girls have dreams
29:43like that sometimes.
29:45Yes,
29:45but I doubt
29:46many actually go out
29:47and buy the spermicide.
29:49It was my lottery ticket.
29:51It's come to that.
29:52My lottery ticket
29:54is a tube of jelly.
29:55You remember
30:00that time
30:01in the dark
30:03when you reached for it
30:03by mistake
30:04and grabbed a crest?
30:06And you liked it.
30:07You said I was...
30:08Minty.
30:11How did I get
30:13to be such a mess
30:14so soon in my life?
30:16You've always been
30:17ahead of your time.
30:18Look,
30:26tomorrow
30:26you're going to have
30:28to make a summary statement.
30:29I'd start by apologizing
30:31for today's behavior.
30:32Stay contained,
30:33respectful.
30:34I still think
30:35you're going to be okay.
30:39All right.
30:40Good night.
30:43Try to get
30:44a good night's sleep.
30:46I will.
30:48I'll be okay.
31:01Surprise,
31:03surprise,
31:05it's me again.
31:07It's every now
31:09and then.
31:11Yeah.
31:17First you can't
31:18do it.
31:18She was looking at me.
31:20I'm straightened around.
31:27Wrong chambers again,
31:28Happy.
31:29Oh, damn.
31:32I don't know
31:33why I keep
31:33walking in a door
31:34too soon.
31:35One of these days
31:36I'm apt to
31:37come in
31:37and catch you naked.
31:39Yeah,
31:39and you just asked
31:40to see my teeth.
31:41Good catching up
31:42with you, Happy.
31:43I have penile atrophy,
31:44you know.
31:45Oh, that's nice.
31:46Good to see you.
31:47All right.
31:47See you.
31:51Wait.
31:52Can I talk to you
31:53for a second?
31:53Sure.
31:54Allie McBeal.
31:57You reported her
31:58to the bar?
31:59The potato chip girl?
32:00Pushy.
32:01Do you really think
32:01she's unstable?
32:02Well, I don't know,
32:03but she seems to get violent.
32:06Word around the building,
32:07you hear it,
32:07is she's too emotional.
32:09Suits people.
32:10She's a pretty little thing,
32:12maybe that's why
32:12she thinks
32:13she can get away with it.
32:14Yeah.
32:15Yeah, excellent.
32:24Thanks, Holt.
32:26Good news,
32:26my mole says
32:27they're still on the fence.
32:28If you go in
32:28and act civilized,
32:29humble, remorseful,
32:30you'll probably
32:31just get a light center.
32:32Can you do that?
32:32I think you can.
32:33Can you do that?
32:33Yes.
32:34I thought of something else
32:35I could say
32:35that might be helpful.
32:37Sometimes she just
32:38looks snappish.
32:39We ready?
32:40Ready.
32:40Let's go.
32:45All right,
32:49Ms. McBeal,
32:50if there's anything
32:50you'd like to add
32:51to yesterday's testimony
32:52or if you'd like
32:53to make any final remarks,
32:55you may do so now.
33:08Well,
33:09I would like to conclude
33:11by saying that I am
33:14sorry about the incident
33:18at the supermarket
33:18and I realize
33:20that I have been
33:21under stress
33:22with my new job
33:23and all,
33:26but I would ask you
33:28to trust me
33:28and the members
33:30of my firm
33:31to ensure that
33:31no matter what
33:32my personal struggles
33:33may be,
33:34that the competent
33:35representation
33:36of our clients
33:37will never be compromised.
33:39Would you be willing
33:39to undergo
33:40a psychiatric evaluation?
33:43Would you?
33:44You know,
33:44a friend of mine
33:45refused to take
33:45a urine test once
33:46because they wouldn't
33:47give him time
33:47to study for it.
33:49Point is,
33:49evaluations can be...
33:50Richard,
33:50sit down.
33:51Now.
33:57I...
33:58I came here
33:59prepared to say
34:00all the right things
34:02and I...
34:02And I think
34:02that you have.
34:04Just what is she guilty of?
34:06You certainly don't drag in
34:07every attorney
34:08who commits a crime.
34:09No,
34:09but every attorney
34:10who appears
34:11to be emotionally
34:11unstable
34:12or mentally unfit.
34:14Oh,
34:14a man acts passionate,
34:15we call him impassioned.
34:17A woman,
34:18she's emotional.
34:19I'm confused.
34:21Not only was it
34:21another woman
34:22asking us to investigate her,
34:24it was you.
34:25And I was wrong.
34:25Yes,
34:26well,
34:26ding,
34:26ding,
34:27dong.
34:27The bell doesn't
34:28unring quite so loudly.
34:30Just 20 minutes ago,
34:31I had a half-naked,
34:32happy boil
34:33telling me she's pushy.
34:34A pretty little thing
34:35she'll learn.
34:36Why don't we just admit it?
34:38She stands most guilty
34:39of being female,
34:41young and attractive,
34:42and how dare she be
34:42aggressive on top of that?
34:44Forgive me, Whipper,
34:45you're an able judge,
34:46but as character references go,
34:48you don't turn tides.
34:50You're a bit of a kook yourself.
34:52Hey,
34:53I am on this board.
34:55But you're not sitting today,
34:57nor should you be.
34:58Do you really mean
34:59to be selling yourself
35:00as objective?
35:0220 minutes from now,
35:03you'll be fondling Mr. Fish
35:04on his favorite futon.
35:06You don't think
35:07we know the scoop on you?
35:09Now go tease your hair
35:10and let us conduct
35:11our business.
35:12All right,
35:12that's enough
35:13from everybody.
35:14Judge Cohn,
35:15thank you.
35:16We will consider
35:17your changed position.
35:18I want you to consider
35:19that even the smallest
35:20suspension will affect
35:22this woman's entire career.
35:23Oh, thank you.
35:25We get that.
35:27Now,
35:28Ms. McBeal,
35:29is there anybody else
35:31to champion your interest,
35:33or might you quit
35:33while only slightly behind?
35:36I'd like to be her.
35:38Splendid.
35:40First,
35:41in the spirit
35:42of no surprises,
35:44it was my bottom
35:45she smelled
35:4520 years ago.
35:47We were high school
35:48sweethearts.
35:49We're still close.
35:50That might make me
35:51less objective,
35:52but it also means
35:53I know her better
35:54than anyone else
35:55in the world room.
35:56And I don't care
35:58what kind of club this is.
36:00We're all a lot better off
36:01with her in it.
36:03When I was studying
36:04for the bar,
36:06I had this professor,
36:07great, great professor.
36:08Did she sleep with him?
36:12This professor said
36:13there'd be those
36:14who will see the law
36:15in black and white.
36:16They'd do fine.
36:17There'd be those
36:18who won't be able
36:19to tell the black
36:20from white.
36:20They'd flunk.
36:22And then there'd be those
36:23who not only tell
36:23the black from the white,
36:25they'd be able
36:25to see all the grays,
36:27and they'd be doomed forever.
36:30In life,
36:31Allie's face
36:31was some of that doom.
36:32She's forever
36:33seeing grays.
36:34She's constantly
36:35trying to make sense
36:36of an arena
36:36that for the most part
36:37is messy.
36:37Is there anybody
36:38in this room
36:38who knows
36:39what he's talking about?
36:40What I am talking about
36:41is she knows.
36:44She knows.
36:46Whatever the virtues
36:47of balance,
36:48it's just a pleasant
36:49form of insanity.
36:51Yes, well,
36:52that clears it up.
36:54Anything else?
36:54This is a woman
36:58who isn't afraid
36:59to be emotional.
37:01She isn't scared
37:01of being weak.
37:03She's tougher
37:03than anybody
37:04in this room.
37:05She knows that part
37:05of being alive,
37:06really alive,
37:07is being willing
37:08to get in the same room
37:09with your pain
37:10and...
37:10and...
37:14And whatever virus
37:16you think she's got,
37:17we should all be so lucky
37:18to be infected a little.
37:19I think you all have been.
37:20Hey.
37:21Bygones.
37:21Sit.
37:22All I'll say is
37:28is
37:32I know her.
37:35I know this woman.
37:37There's only one of her.
37:40Trust me.
37:43And if you use
37:45your gavel
37:45to even slightly squash
37:47what makes her,
37:48you don't know her.
37:54You don't know her.
38:14How long before they decide?
38:15I said it would be quick,
38:16which I'm not sure is good.
38:17Yeah, I've never seen
38:19your closing arguments
38:19in court, Billy,
38:20but you're usually
38:21better than that, right?
38:22I did the best I could, Richard.
38:25Thanks for being here, Renee.
38:27Even if they do
38:28suspend you, Allie,
38:29how severe could it be?
38:31Like Whipper said,
38:32any suspension can...
38:32They're coming back.
38:33They've called you in.
38:33All right.
38:35Without passing judgment
38:42on your emotional state,
38:43Ms. McBeal,
38:44there are two things
38:45we can safely conclude.
38:47One, you have
38:47a devoted following.
38:49Two,
38:50if we were to rule
38:51against you,
38:52you'd no doubt appeal
38:53and we'd be faced
38:54with seeing you
38:55and hearing you
38:56and all of these people
38:57again.
38:59As deterrents go,
39:00I can think of
39:01none more effective.
39:02By unanimous vote,
39:05three to zero,
39:05we choose not
39:06to suspend you.
39:08God help us all.
39:19He lives in my neighborhood
39:22When he walks by
39:25He looks so good
39:27Come on.
39:29I think my testimony
39:30swayed them.
39:31I agree,
39:31but we won anyway.
39:33That was real teamwork
39:34in there.
39:34We even rode the whip.
39:38Oh,
39:38I'm still sorry
39:39that I helped
39:40cause the whole thing.
39:41Will you forgive me?
39:42Bygones.
39:47I feel like
39:48snacking on a twin.
39:49Ooh,
39:50hey,
39:50me too.
39:51Whip,
39:52Elaine,
39:52double team me.
39:53You got it.
39:55Elaine.
39:57Oh my goodness.
39:59Renee,
39:59I'm gonna
40:00meet you at home.
40:01I'm,
40:01I'm,
40:01I'm zonked.
40:03What?
40:03We have to celebrate.
40:05Love.
40:06And you have that
40:07whole tube
40:08to use up.
40:09Shut up.
40:10Okay.
40:12Congratulations.
40:13Thanks.
40:18And,
40:18um,
40:19thank you.
40:22I don't know
40:23that what I said
40:24helped.
40:25It didn't.
40:26Trust me.
40:27well,
40:35well,
40:36I guess I better
40:42make sure those twins
40:43don't get my wife.
40:45Yeah.
40:47I'll be back.
40:48Oh,
40:49yeah.
40:49Yeah.
40:49I want to love her so bad.
40:53You know it's driving
40:55me mad.
40:57Live with me.
40:58Cause when I look
40:59in his eyes
41:01and keep
41:03sweet
41:03paradise
41:04paradise
41:06So I can't help it
41:08I want to love him
41:10so bad
41:11So bad
41:13I know his name
41:15His name is
41:17Hey dad
41:18I'm great.
41:20How are you?
41:22How's mom?
41:26Yeah.
41:27Yeah,
41:27I guess it is
41:28kind of late
41:29but I was just
41:30leaving my office
41:31and I thought
41:31I'd call and say
41:32hey
41:32No,
41:34everything's fine
41:35and
41:35kind of a tough week
41:37but
41:37yeah
41:39normal
41:41Anyway,
41:45I just
41:46that was all
41:47It's just cool
41:48to say hey
41:49Yeah,
41:51we do
41:52Maybe I can
41:54make it over
41:54next week
41:55Yeah
41:58Anyway,
42:01I'll let you
42:02get back to bed
42:02Okay
42:04Love you
42:07Bye
42:09Dad
42:12Go ahead
42:38I know I've got it great really
42:58Good job, good friends, loving family
43:01Total freedom
43:03and long bubble baths
43:05What else could there be?
43:08All of the happiness you see
43:14All of the joy for which you pray
43:18Is closer than you think
43:22It's just a hundred years away
43:27It's just a hundred years away
43:28more people
43:29Tanya
43:30Oh,
43:30It's just a hundred years away
43:32and
43:33later
43:33That juga
43:34is closer to me
43:36Of the happiness past
43:43Throughout the
43:56You stinker!
44:26You stinker!