TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 18 March 1964
In order to win a prize for their parents' anniversary, Ross enters Patty into a Beautiful Teens contest. Patty initially declines but later decides to help her brother. But her only chance at winning is with Cathy's help.
Director: Stanley Prager
Writers: Arnold Horwitt, Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
In order to win a prize for their parents' anniversary, Ross enters Patty into a Beautiful Teens contest. Patty initially declines but later decides to help her brother. But her only chance at winning is with Cathy's help.
Director: Stanley Prager
Writers: Arnold Horwitt, Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00English. What a crazy, mixed-up language.
00:05I'd like to get my hands on whoever invented the nominative case.
00:10Whomever?
00:11That's what I said.
00:16Sam's make me nervous.
00:18They shouldn't, Patty.
00:20Not if you know the subject.
00:21Guess that's why they make me nervous.
00:27Kathy?
00:29The spookiest feeling.
00:31As if I'm being stalked.
00:33We both are.
00:34By exam week.
00:35Let's keep studying.
00:43Kathy, I could swear there's someone in the room with us.
00:45Yes, Patty. Big brother is watching.
00:48You can invent the most exotic reasons to avoid studying.
00:52I guess you're right.
00:53It's just battle fatigue.
00:59Kathy!
01:00What is it now?
01:01Big brother isn't watching, Kathy, but little brother is.
01:04Ross, what were you doing down there?
01:07Me? I was just passing by.
01:09Calm, clean. What were you up to?
01:11Nothing, sis. I was just trying to take your picture.
01:14Why were you being so sneaky?
01:16I wanted an un-posed snapshot.
01:18You look so pretty that way.
01:20You look so pretty that way.
01:22You look so pretty that way.
01:24You look so pretty that way.
01:26You look so pretty that way.
01:27You look so pretty that way.
01:29I think that's sweet.
01:31I smell a small mouse.
01:34What were you going to do with the picture after you got it?
01:37Show the kids at school what a beautiful sister I have.
01:41Last week you said I was a creepy dragon.
01:43No, I didn't.
01:44I said you were a creepy scaly dragon.
01:47But that was last week, sis.
01:49You've changed a lot.
01:51Please let me snap you, Patty.
01:53Forget it.
01:54Oh, what harm can it do?
01:56I can't figure out what your angle is.
01:58I'm sure he hasn't any.
02:00Okay.
02:02One picture.
02:04Thanks.
02:06Say cheese.
02:10Cheese.
02:15Thanks a million, sis.
02:17You're not a creepy scaly dragon anymore.
02:23Funny kid.
02:25I guess that deep down he really has some feeling for me.
02:29And I mean deep down.
02:31I'm sure he does.
02:33Yes, sir?
02:35It's possible my brother the fiend is finally joining the human race.
02:41Did you get it?
02:42Yep.
02:43Mission accomplished.
02:44Boy, women sure are suckers for flattery.
02:47Did you tell her what it's for?
02:49Nah.
02:50What she doesn't know won't hurt her.
02:52Boy, imagine Patty being worth a TV set.
03:23Different as night and day
03:25Where Kathy adores a minuet
03:29The ballet roots and crepe suzette
03:32Our Patty loves a rock and roll
03:34A hot dog makes her lose control
03:36What a wild duet
03:38Still they're cousins
03:41Identical cousins and you'll find
03:45They laugh alike
03:46They walk alike
03:47At times they even talk alike
03:49You can lose your mind
03:51When cousins are two of a kind
03:59Ross, if Patty wins the contest, how will you keep her from finding out?
04:03Easy. No one in the family reads the New York Metropolitan.
04:06But if Patty wins, won't they write her a letter?
04:09I'll intercept it.
04:11Even if you do, won't they send the TV set to Patty?
04:14Not if I call them and tell them I'm picking her up for her.
04:17Boy, you've thought of everything, haven't you?
04:19Patty just better win, that's all.
04:21Why is this so important, Ross?
04:23Promise you won't tell anybody?
04:26I'm giving this set to my folks as an anniversary present.
04:29Wow! You're the last of the big time spenders.
04:32It's a special anniversary. The 20th.
04:35This time it's going to be the gift that counts.
04:38Hey, it says here the contestant should include a brief biography of herself.
04:42Biography?
04:45Family background, hobbies, special abilities, and musical talents.
04:51That's my luck to be stuck with a no-talent sister.
04:54I'll have to make some up.
04:56Make it up?
04:57Sure. Who's going to know?
04:59Let's see.
05:01It's got to be exciting.
05:05I was born in Paris, France.
05:15My father was an ace pilot shot down over Normandy.
05:28After escaping from prison camp,
05:36Dad met my mother.
05:41A baroness serving as a spy in the French army.
05:51There. That part's finally finished.
05:55It's beautiful, Patty. Your mother will love it.
05:58I hope so.
05:59But I better get started on Papo's. His and her.
06:02I wish I could knit like that.
06:04So I can knit.
06:05And you can sing an aria and order dinner in almost every country in Europe.
06:09Well, a continental childhood has its drawbacks.
06:12I was 15 before I saw my first banana split.
06:18How many times do I have to tell you not before you come in?
06:22Okay.
06:25Come in.
06:27Can I borrow your encyclopedia?
06:29Yeah, it's downstairs. And remember to put it back where you got it.
06:32Don't worry.
06:33What's that?
06:34Patty's anniversary gift. Matched skiing sweaters.
06:38Not bad.
06:40Oh, not bad, he says. And what are you giving them?
06:44I haven't thought about it.
06:46Ross, it's their 20th anniversary.
06:48Time flies, doesn't it?
06:50Ross, you are giving your parents a present.
06:54I guess so.
06:55Another clay ashtray, I suppose.
06:58I always say it isn't the gift, it's the thought that counts.
07:04How about that, Taddy Todd?
07:06Perhaps Ross doesn't have any money to spend, Patty.
07:09You mean he doesn't have any feelings?
07:11No, Patty.
07:12Never mind, now, Patty.
07:15I'd get my parents a special anniversary gift if I had to beg, borrow, or steal.
07:20Evening, darling.
07:21Oh, hello, dear. What kept you so late? I was getting worried.
07:24Anniversary plans.
07:26Nat, I managed to book us into the same cabin at Lake George that we spent our honeymoon in.
07:32And they say men aren't sentimental.
07:35Well, it was a rather special occasion.
07:37Been the best 20 years of my life.
07:40Been a wonderful marriage.
07:42I'm glad you asked me.
07:44So am I.
07:49Hey, where are the kids?
07:50Well, Patty's upstairs knitting us an anniversary surprise.
07:53Matched skiing sweaters.
07:55Good.
07:56And I presume our son is fashioning another one of his famous clay ashtrays.
08:01Probably.
08:02I know it's the thought that counts, but why does he always think of ashtrays?
08:07You know, as a matter of fact, he hasn't said a word about our anniversary.
08:10Usually by this time he comes hinting around to make sure of the exact date.
08:14I don't suppose he's forgotten.
08:16Oh, dear, I hope not.
08:18Well, he'd feel terrible if it turned out he had.
08:20Especially this year.
08:22Maybe we should drop a hint.
08:24Good idea.
08:25Give him a chance to dig up some clay.
08:29Ross?
08:30Yes, Dad?
08:32Ross, would you come down here for a minute?
08:34Sure.
08:41Now make it casual.
08:42Oh, don't worry.
08:43I'm an old hand at this.
08:47Hi, Dad.
08:48Evening, son.
08:49Did I interrupt your homework?
08:50Yeah, thanks.
08:52What's up?
08:53Uh, Ross, I was wondering if you'd seen my roadmaps anywhere.
08:56I'm looking for the one that shows the route to Lake George.
09:01They should be up here.
09:04Yep.
09:05Here they are.
09:06Right where they always are.
09:09Thanks, son.
09:10Well, might as well start mapping out the route, huh?
09:14I guess so.
09:15Your mother and I are planning to go up to Lake George, you know.
09:19Have a good time.
09:20For a weekend.
09:22The 14th.
09:23Sounds great.
09:24The 14th is a special day.
09:26Do you happen to know what day that is, Ross?
09:3014th.
09:32It's a Friday.
09:35It's a very special Friday this year, though.
09:38You're telling me.
09:39You mean you knew?
09:41Sure.
09:42It's Yogi Berra's birthday.
09:49Yogi Berra?
09:50I did everything but hit him over the head.
09:52One good thing.
09:54No clay ashtrays this year.
09:58Well, you must be expecting something real special, Ross.
10:02I sure am.
10:03What is it?
10:04A love letter, or did you enter the Irish sweepstakes?
10:07No, you see, Walt sent the snapshot off.
10:10Ouch!
10:11I'm sorry, Ross.
10:12There's nothing for you today.
10:13Just a couple of bills and a letter for your sister.
10:17My sister?
10:18It's from the New York Metropolitan.
10:20Here, hold these.
10:24What's it say?
10:25Dear Miss Lane, congratulations.
10:28You have been picked as a finalist in our Beautiful Teens contest.
10:31Yippee!
10:32Wow, you did it!
10:33Yeah, but listen to this.
10:35The winning contestant will be selected on the basis of both appearance and talent.
10:39We request that you appear in our audition hall Saturday the 8th at 1 p.m.
10:44to compete against the other finalists by demonstrating the special abilities mentioned in your biography.
10:49What does all that mean, Ross?
10:51It means we're dead.
10:52Why?
10:53Can't you ask Patty to go to the audition?
10:55Nick, it's obvious you're an only child.
10:58She'd never do it.
10:59After all, it's to help get a swell present for your folks.
11:03Nick, you've got it.
11:05That's the angle.
11:06After all, they're Patty's folks, too.
11:08How can she say no?
11:09She can't.
11:10Blood's thicker than water.
11:11And when the chips are down and Patty knows her kid brother's in the spot,
11:14you know what she'll say?
11:15She'll say,
11:16Blake, aw!
11:18But, geez, I've already picked you for the finals.
11:20All you have to do is go down there, smile, and pick up the TV set.
11:23What do you say?
11:24No.
11:25Twist that around.
11:26Is that your final word?
11:27By no means.
11:28I haven't started to say what a depraved, deceitful, wicked little monster I think you are.
11:33Ross only wanted to surprise your mother and father with a nice present, Patty.
11:37Ross only wanted to surprise your mother and father with a nice present, Patty.
11:41Oh, so did I.
11:42By eating my fingers to the bone on this sweater.
11:45Gee, it looks beautiful.
11:47Out.
11:49But...
11:50Out.
11:51G-E-T.
11:52Out.
11:55Beautiful teens contest.
11:58Too bad they're not picking the juvenile delinquent of the year.
12:00Patty,
12:02I don't say Ross should have done this,
12:04but at least he did it for a good cause.
12:06When I think of how he snaked me into posing.
12:10I want to show the kids at school what a beautiful sister I have.
12:13He must believe that.
12:15He entered you in the contest.
12:17What could he do? I'm the only sister he's got.
12:19It's very important for Ross to give your parents something special this year.
12:23And you're the only one who can help him do it.
12:25But he had no right to enter me in...
12:27All he wants you to do is go down and see the judges.
12:30That's not so much to ask, is it?
12:32I knew he had an angle.
12:36He's a pretty smart little monster.
12:38Then you'll do it?
12:40I guess so.
12:43It would be nice for him to give the TV set to the folks.
12:46Good girl.
12:47I'll go break the news to Mighty Mouse.
12:52Hey.
12:55I just realized something.
12:57What?
12:59I could be Miss Teen.
13:04I don't care what they say.
13:05Blood is thinner than water.
13:08I can't understand her.
13:10Why won't Patty help you get a TV set for your folks?
13:13Oh, she got mad because I entered her in a contest without telling her.
13:17She's got a point.
13:19Yeah, on the top of her head.
13:24Hi, Patty.
13:25Ross?
13:29It's pretty pitiful.
13:32Forget the ashtray. I'll help you get the TV set.
13:35You will?
13:37Did I tell you she was the greatest sister in the whole world?
13:40I heard.
13:41Blood is thinner than water.
13:44It's all right.
13:46Now, exactly what does old Pointy Head have to do?
13:49Just drop down there Saturday and have them look at you.
13:52Once they see how pretty you are, we just pick up the TV set and leave.
13:55You get a big cup, too.
13:57I don't know whether you're the world's greatest optimist or I'm the world's greatest idiot.
14:02But let's try it.
14:08Ross, why didn't you tell her that she has to sing, opera, and dance and speak my language?
14:12Because if I told her, then she'd never go down there.
14:16What happens when they ask her for a sample?
14:19You know your problem, Nick?
14:21You're a worrier.
14:23You're a filer.
14:25Come on.
14:40Excuse me.
14:41Shh.
14:48Sir, my name is Patty Lane. I'm here for...
14:50Lane?
14:51Take dressing room three. We'll call you.
15:24Holy moly, what's all that?
15:26Come on, let's get to the dressing room.
15:33How do I look?
15:34Just fine, Patty.
15:36Yeah, especially considering you have this terrible cold.
15:40I don't have a cold.
15:42Well, if you did have and somebody asked you to sing or dance,
15:46it'd be a good excuse not to, wouldn't it?
15:50What are you talking about?
15:52Miss Patty Lane, on stage, please.
15:54You're on, Patty. Good luck.
15:57Yeah, remember you're cold.
15:59Ross, if there's something you haven't told me, you better tell me now.
16:03Miss Patty Lane, on stage, please.
16:06Well?
16:08Is there?
16:09Yeah.
16:11Good luck.
16:13Thanks.
16:19Ross?
16:21You haven't danced again, have you?
16:24I sure hope not.
16:34Miss Patty Lane?
16:36Yes, sir.
16:37Well, we've all been looking forward to meeting you.
16:41It isn't often you run across so much talent in one person.
16:45I'm just an ordinary teenage girl.
16:49Your modesty is refreshing.
16:52I have a lot to be modest about.
16:54Well, with your background, it's understandable.
16:57How's your father?
16:58Papa? He's fine.
17:00Good, good.
17:01Does he still fly?
17:07He flew to Pittsburgh last month.
17:10I only wish he could have been here today with your mother, the Baroness.
17:15My mother, the Baroness?
17:17Well, I imagine she doesn't use her title in this country.
17:21No.
17:25Well, what are you going to sing for us?
17:28Me?
17:29Sing?
17:30I gather from your biography you have quite a remarkable repertoire.
17:40Would you like to start off with an American song?
17:47Okay.
17:52Do you know...
17:55Tell Me Mama, key of...
17:58E?
18:04Tell me mama what to do
18:07If a boy makes eyes at you
18:10Tell me mama what to say
18:13When he looks at me that way
18:15Should I let him hold my hand
18:18Tell him that I think he's grand
18:21Tell me mama, tell me mama, tell me what to do
18:27I don't know what I should do
18:30Cause I've been taught by the golden rule
18:33If he wants to be my steady foe
18:36Should I, I, I go and play it cool
18:39Tell me mama if it's nice
18:42Do you know I need your advice
18:45Tell me mama it's okay
18:48If he wants to see me every day
18:51Should I let him know I care
18:54Do you think I should beware
18:57Tell me mama, tell me mama, tell me what to do
19:01Tell me what to do
19:04Tell me what to do
19:16Excellent, Patty, excellent.
19:20Well, bye.
19:22Oh, could we hear something operatic now?
19:26Operatic?
19:27Yes, in your biography you mentioned you also sing arias.
19:31Oh, arias.
19:35I need a drink of water.
19:42All right, why don't you tell them about it?
19:45What do they know about me?
19:46That you could sing a little.
19:48I had to make you sound glamorous.
19:49Well, I'm not, and I can't sing opera.
19:52Well, how was I supposed to know they'd ask you?
19:54What are we going to do?
19:56Kathy, you can sing an aria.
19:59I can, but I...
20:00You talked me into helping the little monster.
20:02Now you get ready, fix your hair like mine, and go out there and sing.
20:06I'll wait outside.
20:07All right.
20:33Bravo, bravo, Patty.
20:35Thanks.
20:37After all that, do you still have enough energy to dance for us?
20:40Dance?
20:41Yes.
20:42How about showing us how well you tap dance?
20:45But...
20:50Yes, sir.
20:51As soon as I get a drink of water.
20:59Are we in?
21:00I don't know.
21:02How well do you tap dance?
21:08I don't know.
21:19Wonderful, wonderful, Patty.
21:21It was nothing.
21:23And now if you'll just say a few lines to us.
21:26Sure.
21:27In Italian, French, and Spanish.
21:31I need another drink of water.
21:35French.
21:37French.
21:41Italian.
21:46And in conclusion, Spanish.
21:53Gracias.
21:56Hey, listen to that applause.
21:57I'm really talented.
22:03Well, we did it.
22:04Yeah, we did it.
22:06We really fooled them.
22:08They never suspected a thing.
22:10They'll deliver the TV set tomorrow, and you can give it to the folks.
22:13Hey, they're going to ask where I got it.
22:15We'll think of something.
22:16The important thing is for them not to find out how we got it.
22:19Well, hello, children.
22:20I didn't hear you come in.
22:22Where'd you get that?
22:25We stole it.
22:26You what?
22:27That's right, Aunt Natalie.
22:29It wasn't their fault.
22:30I was the mastermind.
22:31Maybe you better begin at the beginning.
22:33It all started about 20 years ago when you and Mom got married.
22:38And then Kathy said, Arrivederci, and they gave her the cup.
22:42Tomorrow they're delivering the TV set.
22:44They said Patty had enough talent to be two people.
22:47And you did all this just to buy us an anniversary present?
22:50It isn't any anniversary, Mom.
22:52It's your 20th.
22:54You and Dad have been so great to us.
22:56I couldn't see myself sticking you with another of those rotten kids.
22:59I couldn't see myself sticking you with another of those rotten clay ashtrays.
23:03We love those rotten clay ashtrays, son.
23:06I'm sorry, Pa.
23:08I really goofed.
23:10By accepting that cup, you cheated the real winner out of it.
23:15I know.
23:17But it isn't too late.
23:18I'm going to go down there and give them their cup back.
23:21I'll go with you.
23:22Me too.
23:23I want to see their faces.
23:25Maybe they'll give the TV set to the girl who won second prize.
23:29Yeah, she was loaded with talent.
23:32And there was only one of her.
23:33Yeah.
23:37I know it's not your fault, cuz.
23:40But sometimes I think life would be a lot easier if there was only one of me.
23:45But a lot less fun.
23:48Let's go.
23:55Take care of yourself.
23:56And please, don't give Mrs. Gordon a hard time.
23:59We won't.
24:00We'll see you Monday.
24:01Goodbye, Kathy.
24:02Thanks again. The gloves are lovely.
24:04Thanks for the sweaters, Patty. We love them.
24:07And son, it was your finest ashtray.
24:10Thanks. You realize it was a last minute job.
24:13We realize.
24:14Well, goodbye all.
24:15Goodbye, darling.
24:16Happy anniversary.
24:17Happy anniversary.
24:18We'll call tonight.
24:19Bye.
24:22You know, I don't care if they are my parents.
24:26They're the end.
24:27Yeah.
24:28Patty, can you play the tuba?
24:32No. Why?
24:34I'll bet you could if you tried.
24:35Ross!
24:37Well, there's just a business contest for girl tuba players.
24:39Huh?
24:56Here's Kathy who's lived most everywhere.
24:59From Zanzibar to Barkley Square.
25:02But Patty's only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights.
25:06What a crazy pair.
25:08But they're cousins.
25:11Identical cousins and you'll find.
25:15They laugh alike.
25:16They walk alike.
25:17At times they even talk alike.
25:19You can lose your mind.
25:21When cousins are two of a kind.