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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, there they are. That's Sandy straightening out the chairs. She's pretty. Takes after
00:17a mother. That's Ronnie at the projector. He's handsome. Takes after his mother. See
00:25the projection machine? Looks like me. Mother! Daddy! We're ready! Okay, Ronnie, you can
00:35start it. Is breakfast ready? Yes, it's all ready in the kitchen. Good. What are you doing?
00:45Oh, I've been reading the most interesting book, but I can't find my place. Gracie, how
00:50many times have I told you, leave a bookmark in the place where you've stopped reading?
00:54I did. Where is it? Over there on the couch. Please stop reading. Is the book about love?
01:02No, it's about marriage. Well, how about Two Fridays? No, it's about a husband and wife.
01:09I mean my breakfast. Oh, that! Well, it's the right time. I'm starved. Let's go. By the
01:17way, I just got a phone call from Mr. Clyde. He's going to stay with us for a while. Mr.
01:22Clyde? Mm-hmm. Who is Mr. Clyde? He's my Aunt Clara's first husband. You must remember
01:27him. Remember him? I'm still trying to forget your Aunt Clara. Well, he's dying to get back
01:33into show business again. He does a paper tearing act, and he wants to get on our television
01:37show. A paper tearing act? Mm-hmm. Oh, he could tear anything out of paper. That's how
01:45he met my Aunt Clara. Oh? You see, he was standing in front of the pool room when my
01:49Aunt Clara passed by, and he took a newspaper and tore out a hat and tipped it to her. Sounds
01:56very romantic. This kid ought to be a riot on television. Well, of course. You know,
01:59he hasn't worked in 20 years. 20 years? He couldn't. He just got out. Just got out? Well,
02:09it really wasn't his fault. You see, he was playing Santa Claus one Christmas Eve, and
02:14he went down the chimney of a bank. After he got his bags full, he couldn't get back
02:23up again. Why does he have to stop with us? Well, he can't stay at Aunt Clara's. He's
02:30a Democrat, and he doesn't get along very well with her present husband. Gracie, when
02:36Mr. Clyde gets here, tell him to tear out a bus and go back on it to San Francisco.
02:41On that, I don't know him well enough. In fact, I've never even seen him. You're sure
02:47your Aunt Clara has seen him? Oh, George. Of course, she hasn't seen him very much.
02:52See, every time she'd hand him the want ad section, he'd tear it into an American flag,
02:58and while she was saluting it, he'd sneak back to the pool room. Gracie, I don't want
03:05you to think that I'm unpatriotic, but Mr. Clyde is not gonna stop with us. But George!
03:10Hi, Burnses. Oh, hello, Harry. George, I don't know what to tell him. Look, tell Harry
03:18Von Zell hello while I say goodbye. Hmm. What's the matter with old Ironsides? Oh, I don't
03:27know. I don't even know what's the matter with George. I meant George. What's your problem?
03:33Maybe I can help you. See, maybe you can. You have a nice apartment, haven't you, Harry?
03:39Sure. Well, um, how would you like to have a nice, sweet, talented old man stay with
03:45you for a while? Oh, Gracie, George isn't mad enough to leave you. Oh, not George, Mr.
03:53Clyde. He's Aunt Clara's first husband, and George won't let him move in here, but now
03:58that he can stay with you, it's gonna be wonderful, and you'll like him, you know. Gracie, hold
04:02it. I just remembered something. What? Yeah. Oh, what? Oh, well, my brother is getting
04:09married in Kansas City, and I'm sending them my apartment to spend their honeymoon in.
04:14Oh, that would be a good move, Clyde. You see, with honeymooners around, he'd be too
04:21nervous to practice his paper tearing. Yeah, well, I'll... Oh, say, Mrs. Martin has a spare
04:30room. Why don't you speak to her? That's a wonderful idea. Now, why didn't I think
04:36of that? Oh, for goodness sake. Gee, honey, I'd love to have Mr. Clyde use our room, but
04:45Harry'd never stand for it. Why, when my brother Charlie came to visit us, I had to sneak him
04:51in. Well, how did you do it? Shh, not so loud. Harry's still home. Let me explain it to you.
04:57You see, Harry refused to let Charlie visit us. He said, rent the room and tell him it's
05:02occupied. But Harry'd never seen Charlie. So, I rented Charlie the room, and he never
05:08knew he was my brother. Oh, well, if he was that stupid, no wonder Harry didn't want to
05:13rent the room to him. Harry didn't know he was my brother. You see, he'd never seen Charlie.
05:20Oh, say, that reminds me. You know, George has never seen Mr. Clyde either. Oh, wonderful.
05:27You can work the same thing on George. Well, of course, but we'll have to hurry because
05:31Mr. Clyde'll be here any minute. But before he gets here, we'll rent our room to your
05:36brother Charlie. No!
05:40Is there anybody in the audience whose wife's aunt's first husband is an unemployed paper
05:51tearer? No? Anybody want to buy a paper tearer? Anybody want one free? I'll sell them a hundred
06:05pounds of paper. No takings. Well, I tried. I don't mind Mr. Clyde stopping with us, but
06:15he should have given us a little more notice so I could make preparations, like changing
06:21the numbers on our house, or buying a police dog, or sharpening my own teeth. Don't you
06:32love these unexpected guests? We had one that was a beauty. I played with him in vaudeville
06:40one day, a Sunday concert. His name was Mickey Rockford, and I hadn't seen him in years.
06:47Last summer, there was a knock on our front door. I opened it. There stood Mickey, his
06:52wife, two children, and four trunks. He said, George, we were just passing and saw a light
07:00in your window, so we thought we'd drop in. It's two o'clock in the afternoon, he saw
07:06a light in the window. Then he said, don't worry, George, we're not even going to unpack
07:12our trunks. And they didn't. For the next four months, they wore our clothes. I didn't
07:21want to be rude. I didn't know these people too well. So I said, look, we're a little
07:27crowded. Do you mind if I call the hotel and get a room? And they said, no, not at
07:34all, but come back and have breakfast with us. They finally left. Looks like I'm stuck.
07:43Harry, what time did you get home from the poker game last night? What were you and Gracie
07:53talking about earlier? Ah, don't be nosy. What time did you get home last night? Well,
08:00Blanche, I didn't really pay much attention to it. What time did you get to bed? About
08:0612. Yeah, I got in at quarter past. Harry, I read until one o'clock. That's what I said,
08:12quarter past one. And then I listened to the radio for a while. What time did you get home
08:18last night? Well, Blanche, as a matter of fact, it was a little later than usual. You
08:23see, after the game broke up, the fellas were talking and worrying about their wives, nagging
08:28them. You never saw such a bunch of hand-picked husbands. I told them that Blanche never nags
08:33me. That's why I love her. She's a doll. Harry, you're sweet. What time did you get home last
08:41night? Four o'clock, and I knew I was lying. How do you like your eggs, on toast or on
08:47your head? The idea of four o'clock in the morning. That's the last time you're going
08:53to play poker. I have to get my $18 back. Harry, you can't afford to go out and play
09:00poker. I can't afford to stay home either. The night before, somebody took $20 out of
09:06my wallet. Must have been a masked bandit. So, you lost $18 playing poker. I suppose
09:17your partner, Casey, won again? Yeah, as a matter of fact, he did, the lucky stiff. I
09:22saw his wife yesterday. You know, Harry, you ought to insure her new mink stole. Me? Mm-hmm.
09:29You have more money than Casey has. Look, let's just forget about the whole thing. Let's
09:34drop the subject. I don't feel very well. Yes, George, I want to talk to him. Sugar
09:46throat sounds kind of lumpy this morning. I just heard Blanche and Gracie talking about
09:59a Mr. Clyde that's coming to visit you. Who is this Mr. Clyde? Oh, that's Gracie's uncle,
10:04but it's off. Gracie finally came up with a wonderful idea. She said to rent the room
10:08to somebody else, and then tell... Then tell the uncle that the room is occupied? Yeah,
10:13how did you know? Blanche pulled the same stunt on me last year when she wanted her
10:18brother Charlie to stay with us. The stranger that rents the room will be Gracie's uncle,
10:23Mr. Clyde. So that's it, huh? I pulled the same stunt on you. This time let's outsmart
10:39him. Yeah, but how? Well, I'm on my way over to see a very good friend of mine. He's in
10:44the brokerage business. I'll send him over to you. You rent him the room. This way the
10:49laugh will be on the girls. Harry or Belle? Women. They must think men are stupid. Yeah.
10:56I'll tell you how stupid we are. Blanche has been taking money out of my pockets for weeks,
11:02but I have $40 stashed in this flowerpot. The masked bandit strikes again. Blanche!
11:24It's very simple, Tom. You go inside, George Burns is expecting you, and you make out that
11:29you're renting the room. You better carry this script while it's got in some old newspapers
11:33and a telephone book. But Harry, I don't think that that'll... Look, you're doing George
11:37a big favor. You're in the stock and bond business. Maybe he'll let you handle some
11:41of his investments. Oh, he's got a lot of money? He's a gold mine. Years ago he invested
11:46two dollars and it's still paying off. Two dollars? What did he buy? Marriage license.
11:52See, incidentally, when you meet his wife, you'll find out she's a little, uh... Yeah,
11:57don't let it bother you. Just... All right. Oh, I forgot to say, I didn't tell him who
12:04you are, but he is expecting you, so don't worry about a thing. By the way, Harry, when
12:08are you going to be ready for some investments? Well, I'll get around to it, but right now
12:12all my money's tied up in a mink store.
12:28Hello. Uncle Clyde! Oh, just a minute. Oh, you're a wonderful carrier of the lease.
12:36You should always carry one. Come on in.
12:42Well, so you're my Uncle Clyde. Of course, you know, I've never seen you before, so I
12:47had no idea you looked like this, but you certainly do.
12:53Where's your husband? Oh, I'll get him. Uh, but remember, if he
12:58catches you tearing paper, tell him you're not my Uncle Clyde.
13:02I'm not your Uncle Clyde. Oh, you learn fast. Of course, I'm sure he
13:08won't know you, because Aunt Clara always said that nobody recognizes you sober, and
13:13George doesn't drink. Mrs. Burns.
13:17Oh, call me Gracie. All right. Gracie, I'm not your Uncle Clyde.
13:24Oh, perfect, you didn't mean it. You were going to get your husband.
13:29Oh, yes. Oh, but before I do, I think that you better go upstairs and get unpacked, and
13:34we'll tell George that you're somebody else, and then when he kicks you out, the laugh
13:38will be on him, because he'll be throwing out the wrong man.
13:43Some wrong man. If that Burns had any sense, he would try to get his two dollars back.
13:47What did you say? Nothing. Where do I unpack?
13:49Oh, right this way. Oh, wait a minute. Tell me something. Why did you run away from
13:55Aunt Clara? Wasn't she a good wife? I was never married to your Aunt Clara.
14:00Oh, well, then you were smart to leave her. Mrs. Burns.
14:06Gracie. All right. Gracie, where do I unpack?
14:10Oh, right this way. You know, if you were a little taller and a little heavier and spoke
14:19with a French accent, you and my Aunt Clara's fifth husband could be taken for brothers.
14:24She was married five times? Nine.
14:27Nine? Wow. Any children? No, no. They were all grown men.
14:34Gracie, I think... Mrs. Burns.
14:37Well, I want George to know that you're my Uncle Clyde.
14:41Gracie. Yeah? Oh, quick, upstairs.
14:45I just spoke to Harry Morton, and he... Oh? Who is this?
14:51Who's this? Yeah.
14:53Well, this is... I'm Tom Fitzpatrick.
14:56Oh, fast thinking, Uncle. Uncle?
15:00Oh, well, you know me, George. I call everybody Uncle.
15:03You do? Sure, Uncle George.
15:08And, Gracie, how do I know this isn't Uncle Clyde?
15:12How do you know? Yeah, how do I know?
15:14Well, neither of us have ever seen Uncle Clyde, right?
15:18Right. And we've both seen this man, so he must
15:22be somebody else. At first, that doesn't sound quite right,
15:28but after you analyze it, it doesn't make any sense at all.
15:32Mr. Burns, could I speak to you a minute? Excuse me? Yes.
15:36But make it fast. Mr. Burns, I'm Tom Fitzpatrick.
15:40I'm in the brokerage business. The only reason...
15:42You don't have to tell me anymore. The whole thing worked out perfectly.
15:47Mr. Fitzpatrick, you take the room at the head of the stairs. Good.
15:50Oh, and I hope you'll be very comfortable.
15:53Oh, forgot his grips. Oh, well, I'll take it up to him.
15:57All right. Take it right... Oh, boy, this is heavy.
16:00Oh, we'll leave it there, and I'll unpack it, and then you can take it up.
16:03Yeah, that'll make it much lighter. All right.
16:08Wasn't I clever the way I rented that room to Mr. Fitzpatrick
16:12so my uncle couldn't have it? You certainly were, Gracie.
16:15There. Now, it's all unpacked.
16:18It's all unpacked. Oh, I've got to rush over and see Blanche.
16:21Okay.
16:27Papers?
16:29Looks like Uncle Clyde is with us.
16:41Yes? Is this the Burns residence?
16:44Yeah. Gee, you're almost too late.
16:46Oh, well, I'm sorry.
16:48Come on in. I've got to throw somebody out of that spare room, and then the room is yours.
16:51Oh, all right.
16:59Well, I got rid of Gracie's uncle. Harry Morton's friend has got the room.
17:04And he's going to stay there until that uncle gets out of town.
17:08Yeah, but how am I going to explain that to Gracie?
17:11Let me see. I'll tell her about the community property law.
17:14According to that, half of her uncle is mine.
17:17When I kicked out my half, her half went with it.
17:22Now, that won't work.
17:24Last summer, she pulled the same thing on me when my brother was here.
17:28Well, before she gets back from Blanche's, I'm sure I'll be able to think of something.
17:33In other words, your Uncle Clyde is staying at the house
17:36and George thinks it's a man named Fitzpatrick.
17:38Yeah. Before I left, I even unpacked him.
17:41Then our plan worked.
17:42Well, it sure is. Isn't it wonderful?
17:44You know, I've got to write my Aunt Clara as soon as she gets back.
17:47Oh, where is she?
17:48On her honeymoon.
17:50Say, this makes her ninth marriage, doesn't it?
17:53Uh-huh. And each one of them has been a happy one.
17:56Yes.
17:57But this one will be the happiest because she married her schoolboy sweetheart.
18:00Oh, isn't that romantic?
18:02Yeah.
18:03How come she didn't marry him sooner?
18:05He just got out of school.
18:08Makes a nice graduation present for him.
18:12Everybody gets fountain pens.
18:19Oh, you comfortable?
18:21Yes, of course, Mr. Burns.
18:23Oh, yes, everything's fine, fine.
18:25You can call me George.
18:26Oh, all right. And you can call me Frank.
18:29Okay.
18:30By the way, have you got the afternoon paper?
18:32It's right down at the table.
18:33All right.
18:34I suppose you want the financial page.
18:36Well, if you don't mind, George, I think I'll just take the whole paper.
18:39All right.
18:40Thanks.
18:41How are things in the market?
18:43Oh, not so good, George.
18:46I was in one the other day trying to buy a cantaloupe.
18:48But they're out of season.
18:54Who meant the stock market?
18:56Oh, well, I doubt if they have them either.
19:01Oh, George, oh, I feel wonderful.
19:05But I have a confession to make.
19:07Before I make it, I want to say that you're the nicest, sweetest husband in the whole world.
19:14Now, what's the confession?
19:16Well, you know the man we gave the room to?
19:19It's not as if it's Patrick.
19:21It's really my Uncle Clive.
19:23Oh, really?
19:24Yes.
19:25You know the man we gave the room to?
19:27It's not as if it's Patrick.
19:29It's really my Uncle Clive.
19:31Gracie, I've got a confession to make, too.
19:33Oh?
19:38I kicked him out of the house.
19:40What?
19:41He's not with us anymore. He's gone.
19:43George Burns, you're the meanest, most selfish man in the world.
19:49It was your idea.
19:51That's a fine excuse. I hate you.
19:54Why are you kissing me?
19:55Well, because I feel like kissing somebody and there's nobody else around.
20:01Gracie, where are you going?
20:02To bring my uncle back.
20:03Gracie, it's too late.
20:05I've rented the room to somebody else. He's already up there.
20:08Well, then he can move right out.
20:10If my uncle isn't good enough for that room, then that room isn't good enough for this man.
20:14Hey, you up there.
20:16Who, me?
20:17Yes, you.
20:19You can pack up your things and get right out.
20:21All righty.
20:23Gracie, you can't do that. He's a friend of the Mortons.
20:26You stay out of this, throwing out a fine man like Uncle Clive.
20:30You know, you're so mean, you'd probably throw out George Washington or Abraham Lincoln.
20:34They weren't your uncles.
20:36That's no reason to throw them out. They were fine men.
20:39Yeah, I guess so.
20:40They were presidents, you know.
20:41I know, I know.
20:45Frank, go back up. You're not moving out.
20:48All right.
20:49All righty.
20:52Frank.
20:54All righty.
20:57Frank.
21:01Gracie, sit down. I'd like to explain something.
21:07This originally was not my idea.
21:09You thought of it.
21:11You said to rent the room to somebody else so we could keep your uncle out.
21:14But if you want your uncle to stay with us,
21:17the next time he comes back, he can stay as long as he wants to.
21:21You're just saying that.
21:22No, I'm not.
21:24I really mean it.
21:26Gracie.
21:29You know, I'm surprised you don't remember me.
21:36In fact, I wouldn't expect to be treated this way, even if you didn't know me.
21:42I've been looking forward to living here.
21:45And I like it.
21:48Are you sure you don't know me?
21:50No, I don't. Who are you?
21:56Greetings, Uncle Clyde.
21:58Oh, I'm so happy.
22:01Oh, George, you knew it all the time.
22:03You're the sweetest husband I ever had.
22:06Of course.
22:08Appearing on tonight's show were Charles Lane as Mr. Fitzpatrick
22:11and Howard McNair as Uncle Clyde.
22:13The Burns and Allen Show was a film presentation.