30min | Comedy. Short, TV Series | Episode aired 7 December 1953
The Burns house is put in jeopardy when a misheard telephone conversation between George and Jack Benny gives Gracie the impression that George is quitting show business.
Director: Frederick De Cordova
Writers: William Burns, Sid Dorfman, Keith Fowler, Harvey Helm
Stars: George Burns, Gracie Allen, Harry von Zell
The Burns house is put in jeopardy when a misheard telephone conversation between George and Jack Benny gives Gracie the impression that George is quitting show business.
Director: Frederick De Cordova
Writers: William Burns, Sid Dorfman, Keith Fowler, Harvey Helm
Stars: George Burns, Gracie Allen, Harry von Zell
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:07...for it.
00:08Where's the call from, New York?
00:09No, right here in Beverly Hills.
00:11It's a local call.
00:13Okay, I'll take it.
00:15You want to reverse a 10 cent call.
00:17Hello, George, this is Jack Benny.
00:19♪
00:23Hello, Jane.
00:25George, I called you about that guest appearance
00:27you're making on my radio show.
00:29About the songs you're going to sing.
00:30Don't you think four might be a little too many?
00:33Well, you might be right.
00:35Uh, how many have you got in mind?
00:37None.
00:38None?
00:40Yes.
00:41And by the way, I don't know what kind of strings
00:43you use in your pajama pants,
00:45but it took me two hours to iron them out for you.
00:47♪
00:50Uh, how about one chorus
00:52that I'll be waiting for you, Bill,
00:53when you come back from San Juan Hill?
00:56None.
00:56Well, then count me out. I quit.
00:58George, you can't do that.
00:59You signed a contract.
01:01Well, I'll tear the contract up.
01:02I quit.
01:03I'm through, then. Goodbye.
01:05Oh, George, you can't mean that.
01:07Oh, yes, I can, and nothing is going to change my mind.
01:10And if the network tries to hold me to this contract,
01:12they're going to fight me.
01:14When I say I quit, I quit.
01:16Oh, George, don't stop.
01:17When you get mad, you look so distinguished.
01:19♪
01:21Thanks.
01:22What, uh, what is that?
01:23Oh, you know, uh,
01:24when I was at Clara Bagley's,
01:26the girl said that as you turn the collars,
01:28you can wear the shirts twice as long,
01:30so I fixed these for you.
01:31Thanks.
01:32♪
01:47You mean that Mr. Burns told the network
01:49to tear up his contract,
01:51and that he was retiring from show business?
01:53That's what he said in the phone.
01:54That's why I've got to find something to keep him busy.
01:57Uh, by the way, what do you postmen do when you retire?
02:00Oh, lots of things.
02:03Uh, take my old pal Chuck Fuller, for instance.
02:05He's visiting us this week.
02:07Well, last year he retired,
02:09and since then, Chuck and Myrtle have been living
02:12in a beautiful little mountain cabin up at Arrowhead.
02:14Uh, maybe your husband would like that.
02:16Oh, I'm sure he would.
02:17But wouldn't it be terribly crowded for the three of them?
02:20♪
02:21Mrs. Burns,
02:23I don't mean for your husband to live with them.
02:25You see, Chuck and Myrtle are married.
02:27Oh, well, my husband wouldn't mind that,
02:29as long as there was plenty of room.
02:31♪
02:33No, not Mrs. Burns.
02:34I mean, you and Mr. Burns together
02:36might like a cabin like that.
02:38Oh, I see.
02:40But for a minute there, you certainly were mixed up,
02:42weren't you?
02:43♪
02:45Yes.
02:46♪
02:48Well, I have some mail to deliver.
02:50I'll bring Chuck over, maybe he can tell you
02:51more about these cabins.
02:53Well, goodbye, Mrs. Burns.
02:54Goodbye.
02:56Say, Mr. Beasley, do you think my husband
02:57would like living in the mountains?
02:59Well, Chuck and Myrtle have been living
03:01in a snug little one-room cabin, and they love it.
03:04One-room cabin?
03:06Well, yes. What more does he need?
03:08He hunts, fishes, swims, rides horseback, goes canoeing.
03:13My goodness, just think what he could do
03:15if he were in a two-room cabin.
03:17Hi.
03:18Hi.
03:19Hi.
03:20Hi.
03:21Hi.
03:22Hi.
03:23Hi.
03:24Hi.
03:25Hi.
03:26Hi.
03:27Hi.
03:28George Burns retiring?
03:29It just seems impossible.
03:30Well, that's what Gracie said.
03:32She heard him tell the network to tear up his contract.
03:36Well, I've got a contract with him,
03:38but if he wants to retire, I'm not going to stand in his way.
03:42Really?
03:43Why should I?
03:44I can collect unemployment for a while.
03:48Of course, I'll admit working for George is more glamorous,
03:50but there's more money in collecting unemployment.
03:52Yeah.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Yeah.
03:55Yeah.
03:56Yeah.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Yeah.
03:59Retiring?
04:00He's been a real good boss.
04:01I'd better go up and talk to him.
04:07Hello, George.
04:08Hello, Harry.
04:10Say, you've got my contract up here, haven't you?
04:13Yeah.
04:15Well, could I see it for a minute?
04:16Sure.
04:19Yeah, it's a thing.
04:20It's not hard to understand.
04:21A fellow reaches a certain age and has a couple of million dollars
04:24and wants to retire.
04:25Why shouldn't he?
04:26Sure.
04:27A guy's got a couple of million and wants to retire.
04:29Why not?
04:30I'm sure you wouldn't stop him, would you?
04:32I should say not.
04:33Well, neither would I.
04:34So, there's my contract.
04:35But, Harry, you...
04:36So long, old pal.
04:37Harry!
04:38Can he be serious about retiring?
04:39He probably has another job.
04:40Well, he might find a job that pays him more.
04:46He might find a job with less hours and easier working conditions.
04:59But when all the announcers get together and start talking about which one has the worst
05:03boss, he's gonna miss me.
05:06I know one thing, I'm not going to retire.
05:09In fact, I can't.
05:11I don't know whether you noticed it or not,
05:12but I look so much younger than I am
05:14that they'll never believe I'm old enough
05:16to collect my Social Security.
05:18And by the time I do look as old as I really am,
05:20I won't be able to walk down there and get it.
05:22I'm tired.
05:23Not me.
05:26I love show business.
05:28I really believe in that expression,
05:30there's no business like show business.
05:32In fact, I'm partly responsible for that line.
05:35When I first started, I used to do a singing act.
05:38And every theater I'd play,
05:39the manager would come back and say,
05:41Burns, there's no business.
05:43And along came Irving Berlin and finished it.
05:47And do you know that your occupation
05:49can get to be such a habit that it's dangerous to retire?
05:53I knew a fellow who was a paratrooper
05:55for three years and he retired.
05:57Now every time he's in an elevator
05:59and the operator opens the door,
06:00this guy hollers Geronimo and bails out on the floor.
06:06And think, Gracie's Uncle Harvey,
06:07he's retired a couple of times.
06:10And each time it took one word to make him do it, guilty.
06:15In fact, the last time he came out,
06:16they gave him a surprise party.
06:18His friends shipped in and Mr. Harrison,
06:20the parole officer, was gonna present him
06:22with a gold watch, but before he could present it,
06:25Uncle Harvey had to give it back to him.
06:28And another reason I won't retire,
06:30I don't wanna get my feelings hurt.
06:33I will say to someone, I just retired
06:35and the guy might say, what'd you ever do?
06:37I haven't got an answer.
06:41Still maintain I'd like to retire.
06:43Well, what would you do if you did?
06:45Well, for one thing, I'd do a lot of hunting.
06:49Harry, I've seen you hunt.
06:51And if you drop that gun,
06:53I'm not sure that you could hit the ground with it.
06:57Apparently you're forgetting
06:58the handsome mallard duck I brought down.
07:00Or did that fail to impress you?
07:03Well, I would have been more impressed
07:05if you hadn't been aiming at a rabbit.
07:07I raised my sights at the last moment.
07:12Then why did you say, good heavens Blanche,
07:14this rabbit has feathers?
07:17I was endeavoring to amuse you.
07:20I hate to repeat myself, but ha!
07:23Well, I don't see how a mirrored duck is any reason to-
07:25Well, oh, hi George.
07:27Thought I'd drop all, I had to leave the house.
07:29Just a little upset.
07:31Oh, what's the matter?
07:32Oh, Jack Benny phoned me again.
07:34I've been in show business all my life.
07:36I've been singing all my life.
07:38Now, I certainly would know if a thing is bad.
07:41Well, you certainly should.
07:43Who says your singing's bad now?
07:45Jack Benny, says it's horrible.
07:47Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
07:50What does he think, he discovered something?
07:52I've known that for years.
07:53But he'll get the credit for the discovery
07:57because he's a big celebrity.
08:00I'll see you later.
08:02George, what's Benny's opinion worth?
08:06What about that nauseating violin of his?
08:09At any rate, you don't need mechanical assistance
08:11to sound nauseating.
08:15Bye, pals.
08:17George, I have asked you repeatedly
08:19not to throw ashes in my trophies.
08:20Certainly not.
08:22He'd rather you put ashes in his pockets
08:24than those sacred cups of his.
08:26Oh.
08:28Bye, pal.
08:30Ha ha ha ha.
08:39Mr. Beasley told me your husband retired
08:41and you'd like a mountain cabin.
08:42I'd be glad to look around for ya.
08:44Oh, but Mr. Fuller, I want one now.
08:46You see, I must get my husband up there
08:48so he can start resting right away.
08:50Otherwise, he might start to feel good
08:52and change his mind.
08:56Yeah, Chuck might be able to help you.
08:59Oh, yeah.
09:01Oh, that'll be fine. Won't you sit down?
09:08But, uh, Mrs. Burns, cabins aren't easy to find.
09:12For instance, the other day some people tried to make a trade for ours, but we turned them down.
09:17Oh. Say, how would you like to trade your cabin for this house?
09:24Oh, you're kidding.
09:26This is just a tiny little broken down place.
09:29It needs repairing. It even needs painting.
09:31Well, from what Mr. Beasley said, yours is just as bad.
09:34So the head would be perfect.
09:38Chuck, if the lady wants to trade, she knows what she's doing.
09:43I know it.
09:44Mrs. Burns, I gotta warn you.
09:46Every night there's the wind whistling down the chimney.
09:49And coyotes.
09:51Oh, I hate the wind.
09:54But if the coyotes whistle down the chimney, I won't be able to hear it.
10:03Well, um, yeah.
10:08Well, I'd better get the pen and paper, huh?
10:11And we'll draw up a contract for the trade.
10:13No, no, no, no. I couldn't think of it.
10:15Chuck.
10:16Huh?
10:17Chuck.
10:21All right.
10:25George, that's why the news is so wonderful.
10:27When I heard you were quitting show business,
10:29I made a deal with Mr. Fuller and I know you're gonna be happy.
10:31Gracie, Gracie, I'm not quitting show business.
10:34But I heard you on the phone this morning telling them to tear up the contract.
10:38You said you were through.
10:39I was talking to Jack Benny.
10:40I was supposed to go on his radio show and he wouldn't let me sing,
10:43so I told him to tear up the contract.
10:45Oh. Oh, is that what it was?
10:49Yeah, now, what's this deal you made with a Mr. Fuller?
10:52Well, um, I bought some brushes.
11:00You mean that I tore up my contract for nothing?
11:04Yeah, that's the whole story, Harry.
11:06And I traded our house for nothing to a Mr. Fuller.
11:10Listen, Gracie, if you help me get a new contract,
11:13I'll try to get the house back for you.
11:15Oh, would you, Harry?
11:17I bet I will. Now, let's figure the whole thing out.
11:19First of all, who is this Mr. Fuller?
11:21Oh, he's the man who owns the cabin where the coyotes whistle down the chimney
11:25and the postman's friend.
11:30Well, even if he is, we're still in trouble.
11:34Maybe we ought to get a lawyer.
11:36Tell you what, I'll send over a friend of mine, Larry Heath.
11:39Oh, thank you, Harry.
11:40Here, I can get those for you, Gracie.
11:43Oh, Harry, is your friend a good lawyer?
11:46Good. He's with Snydecker, Snydecker, Heath and Snydecker.
11:50Oh, well, then he must be good to have you pick him out of all those Snydeckers.
11:57You signed this contract with the Mr. Fuller that gives him possession of this house,
12:01and now you want to get out of it.
12:03No, we want to stay in it.
12:05Oh, I mean the contract.
12:07Oh, yeah, and if my husband finds out about it, he'll kill me, so we've got to talk fast.
12:11Mrs. Burns, this just doesn't make sense at all.
12:14Trading a one-room cabin for a beautiful home in Beverly Hills with a swimming pool and all.
12:19Now, I don't want to lecture you, but on a decision as important as this,
12:23the husband and wife should talk it over.
12:25Oh, they did.
12:26In fact, Mr. Fuller held out until his ribs got sore, and then he signed.
12:32His ribs?
12:33Yeah, you know, like that.
12:35Oh, yes, yes, well, I'm not at all sure that this contract will find me,
12:41but the Fullers could make trouble.
12:42Now, I suppose I try to settle this out of court by giving them $2,000 or $3,000.
12:47Oh, that would be very generous, and if it's more than you've got,
12:51maybe the Snidebeckers could chip in a little?
12:55Well, you misunderstood.
12:57Yes, oh, here, put this away.
13:01Oh, hello, dear.
13:02Hello.
13:03So, Mr. Heath, as I was saying, I want you to get my Uncle Jim out of jail right away.
13:12Jail?
13:13Yes, you know, he's got a red beard.
13:16Yeah, he's the one with the red beard.
13:19Yes, he raised the beard to disguise himself so the police wouldn't recognize him,
13:24but he did it a little too late.
13:27Too, uh...
13:28He didn't want the police to know him, you see.
13:30Yeah, well, he did it after he got into San Quentin.
13:34Oh, uh...
13:35Late, I am.
13:36Yes, oh, and the day he was supposed to get out,
13:39the warden didn't recognize him, and he's still there.
13:43That's why she wants you to get him out.
13:44Right.
13:48Goodbye.
13:49Goodbye, Mr. Heath.
13:50Goodbye, Mr. Heath.
13:59Gracie, I'd like to...
14:00Now show Mr. Heath to the door.
14:05What are you pouting about, Blanche?
14:07You shouldn't have turned Gracie down when she needed your help.
14:11I'm sorry, but I will not pose as her husband when the Fullers come.
14:15But if George finds out that she's traded their house, he's gonna blow his little flat top.
14:20No, Blanche, I learned my lesson before, and a very painful one it was.
14:24I refer to the time her sister Hazel visited here,
14:27and Gracie introduced me as a member of the movie colony.
14:30Well, Hazel is a great movie fan, and she wanted to meet a celebrity.
14:34But the part Gracie chose for me...
14:37Errol Flynn's father.
14:40Well, tell him that, and Hazel enjoyed it.
14:43Enjoyed it.
14:44She pursued me with the most frightening determination.
14:47It took me two hours to convince her that Errol inherited all his talents
14:50from his mother's side of the family.
14:55I, um...
14:56I just spoke to Harry Von Zell and asked him why I wanted to retire,
14:59and he said for the same reason that Gracie wants to trade our house for a movie.
15:05I was confused before, but I'm making progress because now I know what I'm confused about.
15:12But I'm not worried.
15:13I'd like to make a little wager that by the end of the show,
15:16this whole thing will be straightened out over a cup of tea.
15:22George, I've been thinking about something for a long time,
15:27and just now it came to me out of the blue.
15:30Really?
15:31How would you like to trade this broken-down old place for a beautiful cabin up at Arrowhead?
15:38That's a coincidence.
15:39The answer just came to me out of the blue.
15:41I wouldn't like to.
15:44Well, I just wondered.
15:47Forget it.
15:48Gracie, the reason I wouldn't like to...
15:49George, please, I said forget it.
15:51I've already forgotten it.
15:53Yeah, I haven't heard what I was going to say.
15:55That's what makes it so easy to forget.
15:57Excuse me, I'd like to finish this article.
16:04Let's talk about something else.
16:06Okay, let's talk.
16:08Let's talk about how bad you look.
16:12Yeah, that would be my subject.
16:14Bad?
16:15Well, I wouldn't say you look bad.
16:18No worse than my grandfather looked when my grandmother collected his insurance.
16:22She thought he looked good.
16:24Isn't he the one his friends used to carry home from the saloon all the time?
16:28Oh, yes.
16:30His friends used to love him.
16:32Do you know at his funeral he looked so natural they tried to pick him up and carry him home again?
16:40Your grandfather was quite a man.
16:42Oh, yes, he was.
16:44And if he hadn't been so stubborn about going to a mountain cabin, he'd still be here.
16:49And if he hadn't been so stubborn about going to a mountain cabin, he'd still be here.
16:56Today he'd be 141.
17:00But he was stubborn, and he went prematurely at 106.
17:06Excuse me, Gracie, I want to finish this article.
17:10Gracie, this mountain cabin that your grandfather didn't go to, where was it?
17:14Oh, on the roof of their apartment house in San Francisco.
17:19I see.
17:20God bless you.
17:23What?
17:24Well, that's English for gesundheit.
17:27You better watch that sneezing. It might develop into something.
17:30Yeah, like a mountain cabin.
17:32Yeah.
17:33Oh, well, anyway, my grandmother finally got my grandfather up to the cabin, and they had a wonderful time.
17:39He sat around in his fur coat, and she lay around in her bathing suit.
17:44He, uh, he had on a fur coat, and she wore a bathing suit?
17:47Well, George, they weren't as young as they used to be.
17:50Her temperature was so high she thought it was summer, and his was so low that he thought it was winter.
17:54She thought it was winter?
17:55Yeah.
17:57I'm going up in the den and try to finish this article.
18:03Gracie!
18:07Gracie, I think I saw the Fullers coming up your walk.
18:10Oh, I was afraid of that.
18:13Oh, come in, please.
18:15Uh, Blanche, did Harry change his mind about posing as my husband?
18:19Oh, not a chance.
18:21Oh.
18:22Well, come on in. We'll think of something.
18:24All right.
18:25Hello.
18:26Hello, Mrs. Burns.
18:27When do you want to move into our cabin?
18:29Yeah, Mrs. Burns, when do you want to move in?
18:32Well, Mrs. Burns, aren't you going to answer them?
18:39Who, me?
18:40But I thought you were Mrs. Burns.
18:43Oh, don't feel bad about that.
18:45So did your husband, didn't you, Chuck?
18:49Oh, just a minute.
18:50I'd like to ask you something.
18:52Oh, good.
18:53But before we go into that, has anybody any questions?
18:57Yeah, I have.
18:59Oh.
19:00Uh, I know I'm Mrs. Burns, but who are you?
19:06I'm your train nurse, don't you remember?
19:09Oh.
19:10Oh, poor Mrs. Burns.
19:12She doesn't remember who I am or anything.
19:14That's because she's got magnesia.
19:23Well, if you're her nurse, where's your uniform?
19:27Oh, well, this is my day off.
19:34Now, wait a minute.
19:35You signed that contract with Mrs. Burns.
19:37You committed forgery.
19:39Well, I only did it for her.
19:41If she can't remember who she is, how can she remember how to commit forgery?
19:45Right, Mrs. Burns?
19:46Right.
19:50Not so fast here.
19:51When Mr. Beasley brought us over here, he told us you were Mrs. Burns.
19:55How about that?
19:56Yeah, how about that?
19:59Yeah.
20:01I hope I'm not intruding.
20:02Oh, no, of course not.
20:04Uh, Mr. Burns, this is Mr. and Mrs. Fuller.
20:06Hello.
20:07How do you do?
20:08Uh, uh, this is Mrs. Burns, your wife.
20:11Go up and give him a big hug so he'll know who you are.
20:15What's, uh, what's going on?
20:16Oh, poor Mrs. Burns has magnesia.
20:18Sometimes she forgets who she is.
20:21Must be catching because I didn't remember she was my wife.
20:25Wait a minute.
20:26Who are you?
20:27Oh, I'm the trained nurse.
20:28And I'm going up and make some tea.
20:32And while I'm gone, why don't you and Mrs. Burns
20:35help the Fullers tear up that contract?
20:40The contract?
20:41What, uh, what contract?
20:43This one.
20:45Myrtle, let's forget the whole thing.
20:47I told you there was something screwy about this deal.
20:49Chuck, shh, wait and see what Mr. Burns says.
20:51He doesn't look screwy.
20:53I think trading our house for your mountain cabin is a great idea.
20:57You do?
20:58Yeah.
20:59You mean you'll do it?
21:00Of course, honey, one thing.
21:01I want the cabin to be put up on the roof of an apartment house in San Francisco
21:04so that Mrs. Burns here can lie around in a bathing suit
21:07while I wear my fur coat and fix the doors.
21:11These people are all nuts.
21:12Let's get out of here.
21:20Sugar, friends?
21:21Two, please.
21:22All right.
21:24Gracie?
21:27Sugar?
21:28Two.
21:31Huh?
21:32Didn't you notice anything?
21:33Sure, you took sugar with it.
21:34Usually you don't take any.
21:42Well, what did I tell you?
21:43Straightened out.
21:45And here's the cup of tea.
21:58Appearing on tonight's show were Mabel Albertson as Mabel Fuller,
22:01Will Wright as Chuck Fuller,
22:03Frank Wilcox as Larry Heath,
22:05and Rolf Sedan as Mr. Beasley.