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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:32 - Terminator's log, 01005 AM.
00:35 Rat infestation at the Nickman residence.
00:38 This where you saw him last, Nickman?
00:43 - Yes, sir, he was underneath that cabinet.
00:45 - You see, unlike the human,
00:50 the rat drags his testes as he walks.
00:53 This creates a urine trail.
01:00 Mail testes confirmed.
01:02 - Shouldn't you be wearing a mask?
01:15 - Mask, smask.
01:17 Smask.
01:18 Sh, mask.
01:20 Shmask.
01:21 Mask, shmask, that's it.
01:24 Mask, shmask.
01:25 Mask.
01:26 (dramatic music)
01:29 (dramatic music)
01:32 (dramatic music)
01:35 (dramatic music)
01:37 (dramatic music)
01:40 (dramatic music)
01:43 (sword clanks)
01:49 (dramatic music)
01:55 - Yeah.
02:03 (dramatic music)
02:07 You peed in your last old man's kitchen.
02:11 (dramatic music)
02:13 (Hank screams)
02:17 Nickman?
02:27 - It's Hank.
02:28 They called me because apparently
02:30 I'm your emergency contact person.
02:33 - I wanted someone who had nothing to gain from my demise.
02:37 - Good, I'm glad you're awake.
02:39 Mr. Gribble, 22 years of breathing in toxins
02:43 have eroded your sinuses and coated your lungs
02:46 with a substance I can't quite identify.
02:49 - I would like that substance back.
02:51 It belongs to me.
02:53 - Look, Dale, the doctor thinks you should quit exterminating.
02:58 Your body can't handle any more poisons.
03:01 - Can't too?
03:02 - If you don't quit, you won't live to 50.
03:04 Of course, I'm rounding that number up.
03:06 (Hank sighs)
03:08 - Well, that was a waste of time.
03:10 Don't tell Nancy what he said.
03:12 She'd wanna listen to this clown.
03:15 - Uh, I already called her.
03:17 She had to stop at home to get your real IDs.
03:21 - That was a bad, bad move, Hank.
03:24 She's here too?
03:27 That's it.
03:28 Hank, you are hereby relieved of your duties
03:31 as my emergency person.
03:33 Peggy, you're in.
03:34 You will not regret it.
03:36 (gentle music)
03:39 - Nancy, did you borrow my rat urine detector?
03:43 - I donated it to charity.
03:44 You're too sick to exterminate, Shug.
03:47 - I'll tell you what I told that doctor.
03:49 I'm not quitting, you incompetent quack.
03:53 I love exterminating.
03:55 - More than you love me?
03:58 - No, pretty close though.
04:01 - Dale, you have a family who needs you.
04:04 And I need to work to support them.
04:06 - I support us.
04:08 - But I contribute.
04:09 - You pay the cable bill.
04:12 Come on, Shug, if not for me, then for Joseph.
04:14 What about your dream to see your son
04:16 take his son to Roswell?
04:19 - That rang true.
04:22 Welp, if you need me, I'll be eight feet under
04:26 in my metaphorical grave.
04:28 The basement.
04:32 (gentle music)
04:34 Damn, I was good.
04:36 - Dad, I just came down to borrow some roaches
04:45 for my science project.
04:47 (laughs)
04:48 - Roaches have been on this earth for 500 million years.
04:51 You've been here, what, 13?
04:53 You're in over your head.
04:55 What species are these?
04:58 - Madagascar hissing cockroaches.
05:00 (roaches hissing)
05:02 - Well done.
05:03 All right, here's what we'll do for your science project.
05:08 We will breed servant roaches.
05:11 As long as we ensure that I am the first thing
05:14 the roaches see when they are born,
05:16 they will think I am their mother
05:18 and will therefore obey my every command.
05:21 My every command.
05:24 - Think we can train them to crawl through a maze?
05:27 - Oh, we'll train them to do worse things than that, Joseph.
05:31 (gentle music)
05:34 (gasps)
05:36 - Oh my Lord.
05:37 Did it occur to either of you to set the table for dinner?
05:42 - I guess we were distracted by our afternoon
05:45 of monitoring roach excretia.
05:47 - That's how you spend your days.
05:49 Who ate all the chopped meat?
05:51 That was dinner.
05:53 - The roaches.
05:54 - The excretia doesn't come from nowhere.
05:57 (gentle music)
06:00 - Just you I sought to make low mark.
06:04 Richie Sambora.
06:06 - No, you didn't.
06:08 - You weren't there.
06:09 - Uh, you know, Dale,
06:12 we're all out here to unwind from the workday,
06:15 but the past few days, you've sort of just been loitering.
06:19 - I have more pressures than any of you.
06:22 - You ever tried replacing a cockroach's blood
06:25 with a root beer?
06:27 - You know, I haven't.
06:28 - Then don't judge me.
06:30 (dog barks)
06:35 - All Dale does is eat, play with bugs,
06:38 and make prank phone calls.
06:40 Do you know he called my office three times today
06:42 trying to get me to change my long distance service?
06:45 - Oh, that was him?
06:47 - I'm tired of getting while you were out messages
06:49 from the receptionist.
06:51 - Husband called, still waiting for sex.
06:54 - Mm.
06:55 - Now come May, I expect a Mother's Day gift
07:00 from you roaches.
07:01 Word to the wise,
07:03 something you make yourselves means even more.
07:07 - Hey, Dale, how are things with Nancy?
07:10 You know, you used to brag about stuff.
07:15 - I didn't mean to brag.
07:17 It's just that we were having spectacular sex.
07:21 - Yeah, but not so much lately, huh?
07:26 - Maybe it's something I ate.
07:28 What's the opposite of oysters?
07:30 Apples?
07:31 - Look, maybe it has something to do
07:33 with you being out of work.
07:35 I mean, would you wanna sleep with a bum?
07:39 - No.
07:41 - That's right.
07:42 See, there's nothing sexier than a man
07:45 with a nine to five job,
07:47 which is why I lined up a new job for you.
07:50 Remember my cousin Rita?
07:52 - The one with the underbite?
07:54 - Yeah.
07:55 Well, she just quit her job at that adhesives company
07:59 and she's putting in a good word for you to replace her.
08:02 - Well, I hope she puts it in writing
08:04 because you can barely understand her when she talks.
08:07 (dramatic music)
08:10 - Oh, my man looks so handsome.
08:15 - I know.
08:15 And I type 30 words per minute.
08:19 Can we make out?
08:21 - Well, look at you in your suit.
08:27 - It's Joseph's.
08:29 You didn't have to drive me to work.
08:31 I wasn't gonna play hooky on my first day.
08:34 - That's not what you told Bobby.
08:36 - Your boy's a liar and a blabbermouth.
08:44 - And Dale, remember, everyone likes a hard worker.
08:48 - Of course they do.
08:50 They do all the work for them.
08:52 Ass.
08:55 - Mr. Gribble, you're a minute late.
09:09 - Nuh-uh, my watch says 9.01.
09:12 - Oh, do you start at nine?
09:14 - Well, we're a team at Stick Tech
09:16 and a team is only as strong as its weakest player.
09:20 That's you.
09:21 Oh, we don't smoke here at Stick Tech.
09:30 - I understand, you have to tell everyone that.
09:32 - We don't allow sunglasses at Stick Tech
09:41 unless you can prove that you're blind.
09:43 Oh, certainly no caps,
09:49 except Yamica is under eight inches in diameter.
09:52 - The cap stays.
09:55 - Oh, not at Stick Tech.
09:57 Oh, you're bald and not in an attractive way,
10:05 like Sean Connery.
10:06 Oh, well, rules are rules.
10:10 (chuckles)
10:12 - Here's your cubicle.
10:15 This is where you sit and work.
10:19 Welcome to Stick Tech.
10:20 (dramatic music)
10:28 (dramatic music)
10:31 - My little working man's up early today.
10:51 - They made me join a carpool
10:53 and it leaves early because of all the stops.
10:58 - Well, maybe they can pick you up last.
11:00 - I tried that.
11:01 Rodriguez is last, always has been.
11:04 - Dale, I know you're used to being your own boss,
11:07 but you've got to learn how to work with humans.
11:10 - Humans?
11:12 They won't even let me eat lunch until one o'clock.
11:15 You know I like nine small meals throughout the day.
11:19 (car horn honking)
11:22 Not ready!
11:23 - Mom, check this out.
11:25 Something's going on between Frank and Linda.
11:28 I heard from that guy in Accounts Payable,
11:30 the one with the vintage glasses,
11:32 that they were at Bennigan's sharing mozzarella sticks.
11:35 - Enjoy the end of the Today Show, Rodriguez.
11:40 - Not as much as the beginning of Regis.
11:43 - Hey, did you guys hear about Frank and Linda?
11:45 - Invoice 1347/2, amount $3.88,
11:51 check number 8429, cleared.
11:53 Invoice number 1347/3, amount $17.47,
11:58 check number 3524, cleared.
12:01 Oh, God.
12:03 Invoice 1347/4, amount $6.19.
12:07 - Mr. Gribble, what did I tell you?
12:10 - No hats of any kind at Stick Tech.
12:14 - Thank you.
12:15 One more slip up and you lose your privileges
12:18 to dress casual on casual Fridays.
12:21 Are we clear?
12:22 - Clear.
12:23 Can I go to lunch now?
12:25 - Oh, I moved your lunch to four.
12:27 I need you to fill in for the receptionist.
12:30 She's eating lunch.
12:31 - I don't know if I can wait for Dale any longer.
12:43 I'm getting awfully chilly.
12:45 - Up yours, Rodriguez.
12:47 - Hey, Dale, what's new in the world of adhesives?
12:52 (gulping)
12:54 - Well, we were each issued two Stick Tech brand Stick It pads.
13:01 - Well, this is great.
13:02 We're getting the inside scoop here, fellas.
13:06 - I should tell you about Special Project F,
13:09 adhesive strips for envelopes
13:11 that come in all different flavors,
13:13 mango, peach, lime, cherry, and maybe piña colada.
13:20 - Speaking purely as a consumer,
13:22 I can't wait for that product to hit the stores.
13:26 How about you, Boomhauer?
13:28 - Dale, huh?
13:30 - What?
13:31 - Oh, yeah, man, you know.
13:34 - Dad, since you're spending so much time at work,
13:39 we better leave the roach tank in your office.
13:42 That way you'll still be the first thing they see
13:44 when they hatch and they'll think--
13:46 - Up yours, Joseph.
13:47 - Dale.
13:49 I'm sorry, son, that's the coffee talking
13:52 and the fluorescent lighting and the excruciating headache.
13:56 - Make some time for the roaches, Shug.
13:59 - We'd all love to make time for roaches,
14:02 but in the real world,
14:03 people have to spend all night reconciling invoices
14:06 or Miss Pippin won't let them wear chinos
14:09 and a knit shirt next Friday.
14:11 - Dale, what are you doing to the bugabago?
14:16 - My turn to drive the carpool
14:18 and the underground garage clearance is only seven feet.
14:22 - Why don't you just take off her antennas?
14:24 - Why don't you just take off Bobby's head?
14:27 - I can't fire Bert.
14:32 He and I started at Stick Tech at the same time,
14:36 19 years ago.
14:38 - Well, I can't fire him.
14:40 We were married briefly in the '80s.
14:43 Pardon me, still loves him.
14:44 - Whine, whine, whine.
14:47 When I was an exterminator, I killed living isms.
14:50 What's the big whoop about firing someone?
14:53 - Mr. Gribble, you don't know Bert Halverstrom, do you?
14:57 - Met him once.
14:58 Didn't care for him much.
15:00 - Well, since you're about the only one here
15:02 who has no personal attachment to Bert,
15:05 maybe you could do me a favor.
15:07 - Fire him?
15:08 Throw in a container of milk and we have ourselves a deal.
15:13 Good-looking kids for two ugly people.
15:16 - Oh, uh, I was expecting Miss Pittman.
15:20 Amy.
15:21 - Yeah, she asked me to talk to you instead.
15:24 - Aren't you the receptionist?
15:25 - When Judy eats lunch, but that's not important.
15:29 What is important is that you've got 30 seconds
15:32 to tell me why you should keep your job.
15:35 - Well, I, uh...
15:38 - Yeah, that's not going to fly.
15:40 Sorry, Halverstrom, you're fired.
15:44 - Oh, Bert, I just heard.
15:46 I'm so sorry.
15:47 That was very decisive.
15:51 Listen, there's someone else I need to fire.
15:53 This person I hate so much, I can't even look at him.
15:57 - You know the price.
15:58 It's all over, Gladstone.
16:02 - Excuse me?
16:03 - Pack your stuff and get out by the end of the day.
16:06 I can see why you don't like it.
16:08 - But what about my health insurance?
16:10 Miss Pittman?
16:11 - I fought for you, Sal, honestly.
16:14 - Anyone else?
16:19 I'm still thirsty.
16:21 - Mr. Gribble, how would you like
16:22 to make this your permanent job?
16:25 - Firing Gladstone?
16:26 Sure.
16:27 Gladstone!
16:28 - No, no.
16:29 Look, nobody knows this,
16:32 but Dallas is downsizing the flavored adhesive division.
16:36 Piña Colada was killing lab monkeys left and right.
16:40 (guitar music)
16:41 - What a day, what a day, what a day.
16:44 Carpool had to stop at the store.
16:47 Rodriguez needed a comb.
16:49 Oh yeah, they made me assistant vice president
16:51 of human resources.
16:53 - My husband is an assistant vice president?
16:58 I am so proud of you.
17:00 - Oh.
17:03 What you doing?
17:06 (moaning)
17:08 (kissing)
17:10 - I heard Mitch got 86 too.
17:13 - Yeah, at his own damn birthday party.
17:15 Gribble walked in, blew out the candles,
17:17 told him to leave the cake and get out.
17:19 - All of these plants are real and give off oxygen,
17:23 which I use throughout the day.
17:25 - Whew.
17:27 By my count, that's six outlets, Dale.
17:30 All of them grounded.
17:32 - Here's a photo of me for your new big fancy desk.
17:36 We could move it if we ever wanted to, you know.
17:40 - Have sex on the desk?
17:41 Sure, we could even move the roaches.
17:44 I'll just have to find a new place
17:46 to keep my keys to the executive washroom.
17:50 (laughing)
17:52 Who has to make?
17:53 - Well, I could go.
17:55 - Eh, eh, eh, you're not an executive.
17:57 Hold it in till we get to the restaurant.
17:59 Oh, how could I have forgotten?
18:03 Louis, could you come in here for a sec?
18:06 - Yes, Mr. Gribble.
18:07 - Louis, now you've been with Stick Tech for how long?
18:12 - It'll be 14 years next week.
18:15 - No, it won't.
18:16 You're fired.
18:22 - Fired, but I--
18:26 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I'm hungry,
18:29 she has to pee and he has to get back to work
18:32 or he'll end up in the same boat as you.
18:34 - But, but, I've got four children.
18:37 - I had someone earlier today with eight.
18:39 Heck, I once killed a beetle
18:41 with 30 million in her egg sac.
18:43 Well, who wants steak?
18:53 (sad music)
18:55 - That guy you fired today, the way he was crying.
18:59 - I said, shh, shh, shh.
19:00 - I just can't get that image out of my head.
19:03 - Then let me replace it with this image.
19:07 (laughs)
19:08 (humming)
19:10 (humming)
19:21 (laughs)
19:23 - Sorry, Shug, I just don't feel like it.
19:29 - Maybe this'll help.
19:31 (humming)
19:33 Rodriguez, if you ever want your kids
19:44 to see you lose another sack race at the company picnic,
19:48 I suggest you get your butt in the back seat.
19:52 - All right, excuse me.
19:54 - Hmm, hmm, hmm, thought so.
20:00 Carl, as a janitor, what would you do
20:05 with unlimited free time and no income?
20:09 - Shug?
20:12 - Busy, Nancy.
20:13 Joseph, also busy.
20:16 - But dad, my science project's due tomorrow.
20:19 I need my roaches.
20:21 They should have hatched by now.
20:23 - They're in the bottom drawer of my desk
20:25 next to Carl's severance check.
20:28 Now if you'll excuse us.
20:30 - They've escaped.
20:32 We gotta find them.
20:33 - You people with your roaches.
20:35 I'm trying to fire this incompetent fool with compassion.
20:39 - But dad.
20:40 - You keep this up, Joseph.
20:42 You're fired from this family.
20:44 - Dale.
20:45 - You're next, blondie.
20:47 (Nancy gasps)
20:48 - Carl, I'm off to round up some roaches.
20:50 Any one of which would have made a better janitor than you.
20:55 People, we have a small insect situation.
21:04 Please remain, Veronica, you're fired.
21:06 Calm and enjoy your lunch.
21:08 (dramatic music)
21:14 (people shouting)
21:17 - Whoa, remain calm, everyone.
21:20 I am their mother.
21:21 Line up single file and get back in the tank.
21:26 (Nancy screams)
21:28 They're not recognizing me as their maternal influence.
21:32 The project has gone horribly awry.
21:35 Quick, Joseph, get me some real poison.
21:37 - But dad, you're not supposed to inhale any more poison.
21:41 - Damn it, why are there so many ways to kill people
21:44 when there's only one way to kill bugs?
21:46 Hold that thought.
21:48 (dramatic music)
21:50 (Joseph grunts)
21:53 (dramatic music)
21:56 (Joseph grunts)
22:05 (Joseph grunts)
22:13 (dramatic music)
22:16 (Joseph grunts)
22:23 (Joseph yells)
22:35 - Turbine!
22:40 Turbine!
22:41 (Joseph yells)
22:49 (Joseph yells)
22:53 - The roaches are dead.
22:56 Please return to your lunch.
22:58 Enjoy.
23:01 - Wow, you killed 'em all.
23:05 And you didn't even use poison.
23:08 - Yeah, I did.
23:10 And I didn't, did I?
23:12 I don't need that toxic crutch.
23:14 All I need is Dale Gribble, the exterminator.
23:19 Pitman, firing people can give you a pretty good buzz,
23:23 but it's a poor, poor substitute for killing.
23:28 I realize that now.
23:30 - Dale, please.
23:32 You were the best human resources manager
23:34 Stick Tech ever had.
23:35 And I'm going all the way back to when we were Stick Co.
23:38 - Sorry, Miss Pitman.
23:40 I've got some love to give.
23:43 And some love to make.
23:46 (Joseph grunts)
23:50 - Mr. Gribble.
23:56 (gentle music)
23:58 - Good news, Joseph.
24:09 You can have your suit back.
24:11 (gentle music)
24:13 (upbeat music)
24:21 (upbeat music)
24:23 (upbeat music)
24:26 (upbeat music)
24:29 (upbeat music)
24:36 (bell ringing)
24:42 (cheering)
24:45 (upbeat music)