Dr. Justin Coulson recounts a simple yet touching and powerful tale about his daughter that narrows in on what it means to be a good parent and how to install values in your children
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00:00 As you've just heard, my wife and I are the parents of six children.
00:03 If you look closely at the screen, you'll also note something interesting about my family,
00:08 and that is that my six children are all daughters.
00:11 This is Chanel with a couple of her friends in our kitchen goofing off, and Chanel's just turned 17.
00:19 I was driving to work with her, and I could tell as she drove that she was not happy.
00:24 It might have been the way that she revved through the six gears on her way to top speed
00:28 in the 60 zone, and she just wasn't happy.
00:31 And I commented, I said, "Chanel, you seem like you're unhappy."
00:34 And she rolled her eyes, and I said, "I get a sense that you're unhappy with me."
00:37 And she said, "Yes, Dad, I am."
00:41 And I said, "I'm so glad that you've told me that. Could you tell me why?"
00:44 She said, "Well, sure. Today I found out that two weeks ago all of my friends had a party,
00:50 and they didn't invite me, and I only just found out about it today.
00:52 And when I asked them why they didn't invite me, they said, "Well,
00:54 because it was the kind of party that Dr. Justin Coulson wouldn't have approved of."
00:58 And for those of you for whom the penny didn't drop, I'm Dr. Justin Coulson.
01:04 And straightaway I felt so bad for her.
01:08 I thought, "Oh, my goodness. My parenting is causing my daughter to be ostracized and
01:12 isolated and to feel horrible and to miss out on opportunities to be with her friends.
01:16 But do I want to have those opportunities?"
01:18 And I looked at her, and I said, "You know, if they didn't invite you to a party that I
01:23 wouldn't approve of, it sounds like there probably were a few things going on that
01:27 are not consistent with our values. Was there alcohol being consumed and potentially misused?"
01:31 She said, "Yes."
01:32 I said, "Were there other drugs being consumed and potentially misused?"
01:36 She said, "Almost certainly."
01:38 I said, "Were people disappearing into rooms for intimate encounters that they may or may
01:43 not regret the next day?"
01:44 She said, "Possibly."
01:45 I said, "Well, I'm really glad you weren't there."
01:48 And so I said, "Do we need to revisit the rules?"
01:50 She looked at me, she said, "Dad, I know why we have the rules. I've been part of the
01:52 conversations, remember?"
01:54 I said, "Okay."
01:55 I said, "I want to ask you a tough question.
01:57 You're nearly an adult. You're a year and a bit off being an adult.
02:02 Now, I think these are good rules, but do we need to rethink the rules?"
02:05 And then I waited, and my heart pounded.
02:09 And eventually she said, "Dad, I don't like the rules."
02:12 And my heart stopped.
02:14 And I said, "Oh."
02:21 And I started to think of how to respond.
02:23 And as I was thinking, she jumped in and added something else for me.
02:28 She said, "Right now, Dad, I don't like the rules one little bit.
02:31 But they're good rules.
02:36 I think we should keep them."
02:38 This is the kind of line that every parent dreams of hearing from their kids.
02:44 The heavens opened and the angels started singing, and I just wanted to hug her.
02:50 I was like, "Yes!"
02:51 If you paid attention to the story, you don't get it by saying, "Well, damn it.
02:55 They're good rules, and I expect that you will keep them."
02:58 That's part of being in this family.
03:00 That's called control.
03:01 And that's not how we get to this point.
03:03 Instead, we get it through this thing called autonomy.
03:06 Force creates resistance.
03:10 But great relationships build autonomy, which allows us to leverage trust,
03:17 which builds massive influence.
03:21 Thank you.
03:32 [Music]