Parul Bansal was washing her hair one day, when suddenly, strands of hair began to fall off-which led to an important realization.
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00:00As I was washing my hair and pulled my hand away from my head,
00:04there was a massive clump of hair tangled in my hand.
00:09I just stared at it.
00:11It looked like a tarantula.
00:14I tried not to think about it till the next time I showered.
00:18And it happened again.
00:20And again and again and again.
00:23Within a few months, I lost over 50% of my hair.
00:27I was basically bald at the back of my head.
00:30My boyfriend turns to me and says,
00:32maybe you should get a wig.
00:35I cried so hard that night.
00:38But two weeks later, on Valentine's Day of all days,
00:42I walked into a wig shop.
00:45I took off my winter hat to reveal my mess of patchy, thin hair.
00:51As the wig shop owner looked through my scalp,
00:54he told me that I may have alopecia and that it's perfectly normal
00:58and lots of his clients who have it wear wigs and feel good about themselves.
01:03Then he showed me the most beautiful wig you could ever imagine.
01:09So, I bought it.
01:12The very next day, I felt like a fraud.
01:15Like I was hiding a dirty little secret.
01:19And because of this wig, I can't shower at the gym or go swimming
01:22or even ride a freaking roller coaster.
01:25And within a few weeks, the truth became clear.
01:29I am not allowed to be me.
01:33I mean, to not be allowed to be is like not being allowed to see.
01:37Blinded by the burden of expectations placed on me,
01:40I disappeared beneath this wig.
01:43A physical embodiment of social, societal, and family pressures.
01:46Shouldn't shame? They're the same.
01:49And this wig, this wig, represents shame.
01:53Unworthiness. Other people's thoughts implanted into my mind.
01:57I hate this. It feels like the pressure cooker inside me is about to go off.
02:01My insides are screaming, what if?
02:06What if I shave it all off?
02:10So, I went for it.
02:13And f***ing shaved my head.
02:22Hundreds of messages and phone calls flooded in.
02:26People telling me how brave I am.
02:29Ladies came up to me on the streets and picked up their wigs,
02:32just a little bit, for me to see sparse strands of their hair.
02:36But you know what?
02:40I felt f***ing terrible.
02:44Shaving my head was supposed to finally allow me to be myself.
02:49But I, I literally couldn't recognize my own shadow.
02:53Once again, avoiding mirrors,
02:57I became she. Who is she?
03:01I was forced to examine all of me with a bald head.
03:06Do I look feminine? Am I Indian?
03:09Am I even attractive? Do I fit in?
03:12Because I sure as hell feel like I stand out.
03:16You know, it's as if I had this cup of who I was.
03:20And it was full to the brim of other people's ideas.
03:24When I shaved my head, I went like this.
03:27And now, I have this empty cup.
03:30And I don't know what to do with it.
03:33But it wasn't until November 21st, 2018,
03:37that I truly saw myself for the very first time.
03:40And in of all places,
03:43it was during six hours of video meetings,
03:46where I couldn't help but notice her.
03:49In that tiny little video chat box.
03:52She looked gentle, yet fierce.
03:55That bald chick? She is me. I am her.
04:00For the first time in my life,
04:02it felt like my insides and outsides were in alignment.
04:06I look like how I feel, and I feel like me.
04:11I decided that every seemingly opposing version of myself
04:15could truly coexist.
04:17My Indian roots, my Canadian upbringing,
04:20my femininity and my fierceness,
04:23my love for hip-hop and my vintage teacup collection.
04:26There is no box to fill.
04:29No cup to fill.
04:32You should to hold us down.