Target Shopping with my Ex
Target Shopping with my Ex
Transcript
00:00 Um, but today it's just my ex-girlfriend.
00:02 I am a really hot girl, you asshole.
00:04 You're the one who dated me for four and a half years.
00:06 I thought it was five.
00:07 Four and a half. Five would be in February.
00:09 Oh, wow, wow. I don't even think about it like that anymore.
00:11 Yeah, me either.
00:13 Also, you stole my fit today.
00:14 Like, I wore this first. I put it on first.
00:16 I look better.
00:18 Can you hold it?
00:19 Sure.
00:20 Since I'm not a boyfriend, I don't have to do boyfriend duties anymore.
00:23 What do you need today?
00:24 Um, I need... a new boyfriend.
00:27 I'm just kidding.
00:29 Anyone other than me is a downgrade, honey.
00:31 An upgrade.
00:33 Yeah, an upgrade.
00:34 An upgrade.
00:36 Okay, I think that was a pretty good boyfriend.
00:38 I thought I was a really good girlfriend.
00:39 So what happened?
00:40 Why are we shoe shopping at Target? Who cares?
00:43 Target has actually really good clothes and shoes.
00:45 Yeah, but let's look at fun stuff.
00:46 Actually, I'm glad we're broken up because, you know, I used to shop with you all the time and I hate shopping.
00:51 You gotta be a little bit more sensitive.
00:53 About what?
00:54 Just for being too mean.
00:55 What did I do?
00:56 That was mean.
00:57 What was mean? I don't know what was mean.
00:58 Just be nicer.
00:59 Okay, where are you going?
01:00 These are kind of ugly.
01:01 Do I have to hold this or no?
01:06 Well, I'll hold it. I'll hold it for you.
01:08 Thank you.
01:09 Aw.
01:10 The one nice thing he's done for me today.
01:11 Shut up.
01:12 Who took all the pajama pants?
01:13 Literally you. You're wearing them.
01:14 I have actually like ten pajama pants from Target. Love 'em.
01:17 Oh, look. For the babies we'll never have.
01:19 You make breakup jokes. So will I. So will I.
01:24 Do you see how small you are? If you popped out a ten pound baby it would literally kill you.
01:28 You're right. If it was yours the head would be huge.
01:30 That was insane.
01:34 Yeah?
01:35 That was uncalled for.
01:36 You go there, I'll go there.
01:37 Ooh, this lunchbox is really cute. What do you think?
01:40 Actually, it does suit you.
01:42 Right?
01:43 Hey, can you give me that backpack?
01:44 That's fucked up.
01:45 Got it.
01:48 Oh, your butt's on me.
01:49 Oh, please.
01:50 Like it hasn't been on you before.
01:52 Okay. Can you put it back for me?
01:54 Short people are funny.
01:59 Wanna get back together?
02:00 No.
02:02 Okay.
02:04 The sexual tension on aisle three is so strong right now.
02:06 We're on aisle four.
02:07 The Britney Spears thing.
02:10 You remind me of her.
02:11 Why?
02:12 Like when she's in the kitchen with her knives like.
02:14 I was gonna say, 'cause she's beautiful and talented.
02:17 Well, yeah. I mean, yeah.
02:18 Hey, it's the Valentine's Day section.
02:20 It's like four days after our five-year anniversary.
02:22 What day? Like what? February 18th?
02:24 Yeah.
02:25 Okay, dude. I almost thought I forgot.
02:27 I mean, I don't even remember anymore.
02:28 Okay.
02:30 Um.
02:31 Yo.
02:32 You haven't gotten a single thing.
02:33 I don't know what to get.
02:34 I just like hanging out with you.
02:35 Maybe I found a ratitude.
02:36 Oh, that was kind of nice.
02:38 You wanna hug?
02:39 No.
02:40 Why?
02:41 Okay, fine.
02:42 Jake, hug your little brother.
02:43 Siblings.
02:46 This is the longest hug we've done in a long time.
02:49 Oh, that's kind of sad.
02:51 Why are you looking at me like you wanna kiss me?
02:53 I don't.
02:54 No, did you see that?
02:55 I was looking up at you.
02:56 How else? If I looked at you like this, I'd be looking at your freckles.
02:59 Okay, okay.
03:00 You wanna just tongue punch for the camera real quick?
03:02 That's good, yeah.
03:03 I like little bites.
03:04 Do you?
03:05 I do.
03:06 Cool.
03:07 What?
03:10 Oh my God.
03:11 Look at this.
03:12 S'mores cream.
03:13 Uh, s'mores peanut.
03:14 S'mores, s'mores spread.
03:16 Oh my God, it's like us.
03:17 No, it's like us, it's like white and brown and swirled when we were together.
03:20 'Cause I'm brown and you're white.
03:22 I'm not white.
03:23 I'm European.
03:24 Okay, you're of white descent.
03:26 No, that was a joke because like that's...
03:28 That's white.
03:29 That's as white as it gets.
03:30 Did you know that ranch at a wing place tastes way better because that ranch actually can't
03:35 have a shelf life?
03:36 Like this, this ranch, it always tastes like salad ranch because only salad ranch could
03:40 sit on a shelf like this.
03:42 That's a really fun fact.
03:43 Yeah, that's why, dude, none of these ranches here will ever taste like...
03:46 No, I always wondered.
03:47 ...a wing place ranch.
03:48 I always wondered why they tasted different.
03:49 See, that's the thing that you should miss about not dating me anymore is 'cause I'm
03:53 filled with so many fun facts.
03:54 Yeah, 'cause you're a chronic Googler.
03:55 Dude, you guys, Jake will literally be like, "Hold on one second, I'm gonna Google it."
03:59 Tara's biggest weakness is when I Google something 'cause she's always afraid of being wrong.
04:02 'Cause I'm never wrong, I'm perfect.
04:03 You know what would be cute?
04:04 Like a lunchable date.
04:05 Do you like for that?
04:06 It's your favorite, Jake, chicken pot pie.
04:08 That is my favorite.
04:09 I am a little slut for pot pies.
04:11 Aw.
04:12 Cream filled.
04:13 Do you know my favorite cereal?
04:14 Fruit Loops.
04:15 I hate Fruit Loops.
04:16 The only thing you eat is avocado toast in the morning.
04:18 How would I know your favorite cereal?
04:19 I've had cereal at your house.
04:20 Come on.
04:21 Wheels are turning, engines are running.
04:25 Fruit Loops.
04:26 I just told you I hate Fruit Loops.
04:27 Oh, fuck.
04:28 Why are you holding up your necklace like it's the cross, like I'm Satan?
04:31 'Cause you are.
04:32 I turned to God for help 'cause I'm so sad.
04:34 You're like Lil' Anthony.
04:35 Yeah, like Lil' Anthony.
04:36 Lil' Anthony, thank you for your service.
04:37 I like Frosted Flakes, Jake.
04:38 I also like Cookie Crunch, though.
04:39 That's just so basic of you.
04:41 Oh, my favorite, Oreos.
04:43 I knew.
04:44 The best cereal.
04:45 You actually, do you remember that?
04:47 I did know that.
04:48 Yeah, you also really like the Halloween, those Halloween ones, you know what I'm talking
04:52 about?
04:53 Are you talking about Chocomchocula?
04:54 Yes, Chocomchocula.
04:55 Like hot and spicy like meh.
04:56 Can you actually put that in the bag?
04:59 I like those.
05:00 Yeah.
05:01 This one's more like you 'cause you look like Yoda.
05:02 Well, that one's kind of cute.
05:03 I'll take it.
05:04 I'll take any compliment I can get.
05:05 And a gremlin.
05:06 I actually think you do look like a gremlin.
05:07 I do look like, I do.
05:08 I do, I do, I do.
05:09 Yeah, but gremlins are cute.
05:10 It's not like an ugly thing.
05:11 Yeah, I agree.
05:12 (singing)
05:19 You know what I never understood?
05:22 Dumb being soap and chocolate.
05:24 Is it the same brand?
05:25 No, but it feels like it 'cause the thing is the same.
05:28 Is it the same brand?
05:29 My fucking world is exploding right now.
05:31 It's insane.
05:32 It's the same writing.
05:33 No, no, no, not the chronic Googling.
05:36 God, please, no.
05:38 He's gonna start pacing and he's gonna be like, "Look, Tara, look, I'm right."
05:41 They're not the same brand.
05:42 But, okay, look at the, I never said they were, but look at the writing.
05:46 Isn't it really similar?
05:47 Right?
05:48 That is similar.
05:49 Life is, it's pretty interesting.
05:53 You never know what it's gonna throw at you.
05:54 That was life.
05:55 I gotta pick it up 'cause I don't wanna be a menace to society.
05:58 What does this remind you of?
05:59 My butt crack.
06:01 Tara's butt crack is curved, so it's like a goldfish.
06:04 It's the snack that smiles back.
06:05 Goldfish.
06:06 It's 'cause I shattered my tailbone in seventh grade.
06:08 Story time.
06:09 Oh, Reese's Pieces.
06:10 Oh, okay.
06:11 What do you think's better?
06:12 Reese's Minis or Reese's Pieces?
06:14 Minis.
06:15 You know what?
06:16 The minis are kinda fun because I feel like they're a little more rare.
06:17 Oh, I like that they're unwrapped.
06:18 Ew, do you have Ebola?
06:20 Ebola?
06:21 They're unwrapped.
06:22 Do you wanna sit in the car and eat unwrapped Reese's cups with me?
06:27 Sure.
06:28 See, fellas, this is how you get bitches.
06:31 Jake and Tara, friends forever.
06:34 That was a good song, I like that.
06:35 Thanks.
06:36 Ooh, Sour Punches.
06:37 We're just gonna have a candy session in the car?
06:38 I guess so.
06:39 Okay.
06:40 Milk turds.
06:41 I actually like Milk Duds.
06:42 They're disgusting.
06:43 Really?
06:44 No, I mean, I like grandma candy, you know?
06:45 I like, I guess it's because I like candy that...
06:48 Yes?
06:49 I just found the ultimate Jake Webber item.
06:52 Gummy, lunchable pizza.
06:53 I've actually had it.
06:54 It's kind of, it's not that good.
06:56 But the idea of it is like your dream.
06:58 It is my dream.
06:59 It's pizza, a gummy, and lunchables.
07:00 It doesn't get more Jake Webber than this.
07:01 You know me well.
07:02 You know me well.
07:03 I like Milk Duds because they get stuck to your teeth, and that's why I like Dots.
07:06 I just like candy that makes you go...
07:09 I feel like you have a lot of cavities.
07:10 I actually don't, and my teeth are white, and I brush like once a day.
07:14 I'm one of the lucky ones.
07:15 Whoa!
07:16 Look at this, crunchy clusters.
07:17 Look at that.
07:18 That sounds like what you wipe from your ass, crunchy clusters.
07:22 Okay, that's funny.
07:23 (mimics mouth noises)
07:27 Milk chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter pretzel.
07:30 You think you'd slap this on a bitch's ass, or what?
07:33 Maybe on a hot day in July.
07:35 Ew, at Disneyland?
07:36 Yeah.
07:37 Ew.
07:38 There's families there.
07:40 We should find the most expensive chocolate there is.
07:42 It feels like it's one of these things, like the fancy ones.
07:45 Oh my God, I was in the Bahamas like three weeks ago, and there was these fancy things in the hotel room.
07:49 She was in the Bahamas.
07:50 And I had all these fancy candies in the hotel room, and I ate all of them.
07:53 And I felt so guilty because growing up, my parents would be like,
07:55 "Don't touch all the fancy candy on the counter because they're going to charge us."
07:58 What the fuck is she doing?
07:59 She's being a woman.
08:01 This is why you don't have rights.
08:04 I love a song.
08:06 My ex is a little hot.
08:08 I'm done.
08:09 Good.
08:10 Oh, that means "thank you" in Farsi, which is Tara's native language.
08:15 It is my native language.
08:16 $22?
08:17 Yeah, that's what I said.
08:18 Whoa, that's crazy.
08:20 Those are so good.
08:22 You've had these?
08:23 Yeah, these are $22, but these are the same thing, and they're $12.99.
08:26 It's just the wrapping that's different.
08:27 I actually don't care for a good deal anymore.
08:29 Things have been working out for me.
08:30 Jake got rich after the breakup.
08:32 No, I didn't.
08:34 Remember when we used to do the--
08:36 You almost stuck your finger in my belly button hole.
08:38 Look how many tattoos I have now.
08:41 Cool.
08:42 Remember when we used to get those popcorn things and pop them together?
08:44 Oh, yeah, the jellies.
08:46 I love those.
08:47 They remind me of you.
08:48 Or are they?
08:49 What else does?
08:50 Sometimes when I wipe my ass and it's a bit of a skid mark,
08:52 I think about the skid marks in your underwear.
08:54 You just want girls to watch this and think I'm gross.
08:57 You are gross.
08:58 You literally are.
08:59 You fart on camera.
09:00 You fart a lot.
09:01 I've always wanted to try this Tony's chocolate.
09:03 It's this new brand that's been--
09:05 This sounds like a brand deal.
09:06 Tony's!
09:07 Tony's!
09:08 Tony's!
09:09 I'm walking in.
09:10 You're walking in.
09:11 Oh, there's also Mr.--
09:12 Oh, it's flaccid.
09:14 Mr. Beast is flaccid.
09:15 Hold on, hold on.
09:16 Watch this.
09:17 Ready?
09:18 Yeah.
09:19 Mr. Breasts.
09:20 No, I just--
09:21 That was a joke.
09:22 Do you want to try Tony's or Mr. Beast?
09:24 Mr. Beast sends me them in the PR packages he sends me,
09:26 so I've already tried them.
09:27 Okay, why don't you just date him?
09:29 Subtle flex.
09:30 Good, hit me up, baby.
09:31 Got a girlfriend.
09:32 Oh, never mind.
09:33 I respect people in relationships.
09:34 Carl's available.
09:35 Who's Carl?
09:36 Where's a Wonka Bar?
09:37 I want to try a Wonka Bar.
09:38 Do you want to try Tony's?
09:39 Does this stand out to you?
09:40 Yeah, it does.
09:41 Actually?
09:42 Yeah, it looks--
09:43 You've seen this everywhere, right?
09:44 No.
09:45 You know there's a rumor going around?
09:46 What, that we're gay for each other?
09:47 Oh my God, Twizzler gummies!
09:48 No, see, I'm straight, but like,
09:49 if there was a man that I would marry,
09:50 it would be Johnny.
09:51 How do you feel about that, Johnny?
09:52 It's not helping with the rumors.
09:55 I think the kiss you guys shared on my birthday
09:56 isn't helping with the rumors.
09:57 Yeah, I just hate that he didn't give me enough tongue.
09:59 Oh my God, look.
10:00 Country white, like you.
10:02 Are these ones inbred, too?
10:03 Poor little thing.
10:04 I'm not inbred.
10:05 You know they say that people with blue eyes are inbred?
10:07 Fuck you.
10:08 I don't know what you're getting at.
10:09 Let's get back together.
10:10 [laughing]
10:11 You know, in this world, you know what they say?
10:13 What?
10:14 In this world, you're either a Twinkie or a Toaster Strudel.
10:17 I'm a Toaster Strudel.
10:18 Uh...
10:19 Hot and spicy Cheetos?
10:20 Cheez-Its.
10:21 Jesus Christ.
10:22 Oh!
10:23 Oh my God, they taste like munchies.
10:25 Whoa.
10:26 Oh my God, it's like that--
10:27 Ugh.
10:28 Ugh, the smell of Tabasco.
10:29 Oh, I hate the aftertaste.
10:30 Oh, I loved it and now I hate it.
10:32 One more.
10:33 One more for Daddy.
10:34 Do you just refer to yourself as Daddy?
10:36 It's a joke.
10:37 One more.
10:38 That's usually what I do.
10:39 Whatever Daddy wants, Daddy gets.
10:41 You do it.
10:42 You do that voice.
10:43 Whatever--
10:44 Ew.
10:45 Whatever Daddy wants, Daddy gets.
10:47 Whatever--
10:48 Whatever Daddy wants, Daddy gets.
10:51 That's-- there's no way that's your deep voice.
10:53 Whatever Daddy--
10:55 Dude, you gotta talk like this, like the back of your throat has peanut butter in it.
11:00 You ever do that song that goes, "Baby, look."
11:02 Baby, look.
11:03 Oh, I love Scottie McRury.
11:04 Baby, look.
11:05 What?
11:06 Check this out.
11:07 Hey, fighter.
11:08 Dude, I love your impressions, you know that.
11:10 I'm good at it.
11:11 Do Squidward.
11:12 Uh-huh.
11:13 Uh-huh.
11:14 I can't do Squidward, right?
11:15 Yeah, that was really good.
11:16 Oh, okay, whatever.
11:17 You do it.
11:18 No, do Patrick.
11:19 Dude, stop it.
11:20 Okay, I'm not--
11:21 Mr. Krabs.
11:22 Money.
11:23 Money.
11:24 I don't-- I can't do impressions.
11:25 She's acting like a--
11:26 You do so good.
11:27 Can you do any impressions?
11:28 Yeah, I could do a dog barking.
11:32 Okay.
11:33 Woof, woof, woof.
11:34 Whoa, actually, that was really good.
11:36 Woof, woof, woof.
11:37 That was really good.
11:38 Right?
11:39 Wow.
11:40 Do a cat.
11:41 Meow.
11:42 I don't know, I can't do a cat.
11:43 Meow.
11:44 That was good.
11:45 Meow.
11:46 Sounds like a cat with a cold.
11:47 Ew.
11:48 Can you even tell us what these are?
11:49 Reese's minis.
11:50 Unwrap.
11:51 Unwrapped.
11:52 Just like how I like them.
11:53 Well, yeah.
11:54 When you put a wrap on it, you don't feel as much.
11:57 Oh, wow.
11:58 Wow, the outside is like crisp.
11:59 You bite into it, it's kind of like a shell.
12:02 It breaks apart.
12:03 I'm not a huge candy person, but I'm having a good time.
12:06 Oh, wow.
12:07 I just grabbed one.
12:08 This is like crackhead kid candy.
12:09 I love this candy.
12:10 You know how-- you know how it's like a--
12:12 What?
12:13 You know how you always talk about yapping?
12:18 Yeah.
12:19 You are a yapper.
12:20 Because it takes a real person to yap that just can't stop talking about how they yap.
12:28 You know?
12:30 Yeah.
12:31 No, I completely agree.
12:32 And I think growing up, I got ridiculed and a little bit like that was my flaw in life
12:37 is I talk too much, but now I embrace it.
12:40 It's like a superpower.
12:41 Yeah.
12:42 I have one of those too.
12:43 What is that?
12:44 Autism.
12:45 You never actually-- can I say something?
12:47 I'm going to say something.
12:49 You never care how much I talk.
12:51 You let me yap your little ear off, and I appreciate that.
12:53 Well, yeah, then I don't have to talk.
12:55 And I like listening.
12:57 Take a milk dud.
12:58 I don't like-- I don't like them.
13:00 I'm trying to let you into my world right now.
13:02 What the fuck are these, dude?
13:03 They look like little turds.
13:05 You're a little turd.
13:08 Ew.
13:09 Ew, they're disgusting.
13:10 Let it get stuck in your gums, guys.
13:11 It's the best part.
13:12 Oh, fuck no.
13:13 I literally took a bite and I don't want it.
13:15 Come on now.
13:16 No.
13:17 You'll get used to it.
13:18 It's disgusting.
13:19 It's like a Jolly Rancher.
13:20 It's-- I don't know what the fuck.
13:21 The chocolate-- the chocolate things.
13:23 What are those?
13:24 Open up your hand.
13:25 You bitch.
13:26 I need to spit it out somewhere.
13:28 No, no, no.
13:29 Do I look like a trash can?
13:31 Yeah.
13:32 [farting]
13:33 Ew.
13:34 Oh my god, wait, I got to--
13:35 You sound like a-- you sound like a goat.
13:37 [farting]
13:38 He sounded like how he does in the morning.
13:40 Every time I hear Johnny in the morning, he's like this.
13:42 [farting]
13:43 From his toothbrush.
13:44 It's so weird.
13:45 Because in the morning, his toothbrush vibrates,
13:48 and I'll hear, "Ugh, ugh."
13:50 But at night, I hear it vibrate, and I hear, "Mmm."
13:54 Mind your own fucking business.
13:55 OK, we got Twizzler gummies.
13:57 I've never heard of Twizzlers daring to be a gummy,
14:00 so I'm excited.
14:01 Twizzlers suck.
14:02 I agree.
14:03 Your mom really likes Twizzlers, though.
14:04 Yes, she does.
14:05 Whoa.
14:06 Oh my god, this is like--
14:08 A gummy?
14:09 You got dirt under your fingernails.
14:11 I was on a--
14:12 [burp]
14:13 Sorry.
14:14 It's not very ladylike.
14:16 Feel how soft it is.
14:17 No, this is--
14:18 Ha!
14:19 What?
14:20 You have to feel how soft it is, like a penis.
14:22 Ha!
14:23 I feel--
14:25 Ew, yeah, these are fucking weird.
14:27 Mm, I like them.
14:29 Right?
14:30 They feel extra soft.
14:31 They feel soft like a dog's belly.
14:33 Guys, look at this giant water bottle I got for Christmas.
14:36 Oh.
14:37 That thing just annoys me.
14:38 It's too big.
14:39 Yeah, but it's so good because it keeps ice ice.
14:42 Ice.
14:44 Ice spice.
14:45 Oh my god, I love ice spice.
14:47 You know what I realized?
14:48 I like-- I just like-- I love ice spice.
14:50 I love Kim Kardashian.
14:52 I think I like giant asses.
14:53 Hmm?
14:54 Giant asses?
14:55 I mean, that is a plus.
14:56 That's fine.
14:57 I like very bold women, like women that are just out there and bold.
15:01 And I feel like they're very much like that.
15:03 I think you're like that as well.
15:04 Yeah, I was going to say that.
15:05 You're very out there and bold.
15:07 Obviously, there's a lot of confident women.
15:10 But they just stand out.
15:12 Obnoxiously bold.
15:13 So strong.
15:14 Yeah.
15:15 This is the most expensive chocolate in Target.
15:17 [GASP]
15:18 Look.
15:19 Whoa.
15:20 Whoa, whoa.
15:21 You're right.
15:22 Whoa, it cracks.
15:23 I love it.
15:24 Dude, this is insane.
15:25 OK.
15:26 Insane.
15:27 Can I put this back in?
15:28 What?
15:29 Can I put this back in?
15:30 Yeah.
15:31 Oh my god.
15:32 Johnny looks like a scary little demon back there.
15:34 He does.
15:35 Grandmas fear him.
15:36 Let's see if the cheap chocolate tastes better.
15:37 Well, it's not cheap, but-- I don't know.
15:39 Throw them in.
15:41 Whoa.
15:43 They're like pebbles.
15:44 Can I take one apart?
15:46 Yeah.
15:47 Yeah, whichever one you want.
15:50 OK.
15:51 Ugh.
15:51 OK.
15:57 It tastes like a fancy Easter egg.
16:01 Like, Easter chocolate tastes so different.
16:03 This tastes reminds me of Easter chocolate.
16:06 I like the expensive one better.
16:08 Me too.
16:09 What do you think, Joanna?
16:10 Why does this look like my fucking bottom of my shoe?
16:12 That was a good snack sesh, guys.
16:13 I agree.
16:14 I'm going to stick to eating it.
16:16 Let's be real, Johnny.
16:18 You don't have sex.
16:20 Yeah, that's true.
16:22 Well, thank you for going shopping with me.
16:24 Anytime.
16:25 You know, it's like my favorite things.
16:28 Me?
16:29 Shopping.
16:30 Oh.
16:31 You too.
16:32 If I had to rank people in my life, you're one of my favorite people.
16:35 Top 20 is pretty good.
16:36 You're one of my favorite people too.
16:38 Guys, make sure you follow Tara and Johnny.
16:40 [BURP]
16:41 I'm just going to eat these Cheez-Its.
16:43 That's fine.
16:44 Eat those Cheez-Its, baby.
16:45 You do you.
16:46 I fucking smell your burp, Jake.
16:47 Does it smell like root beer?
16:49 I hope you guys have a beautiful day.
16:52 Bye, guys.
16:53 Bye, everyone.