Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 Sabrina the Animated Series Episode 58
00:03 Chloe asks her friends if they're coming to her party, which is weird since I think she'd simply give them invitations.
00:10 Nothing I care about happens until Sabrina donates to a charity Santa and asks Chloe what they should buy.
00:16 They get splashed with snow by a limo.
00:19 Sabrina says she heard what Jem's mom said, that the money was actually for charity.
00:25 Why would she trust Jem to donate the money?
00:28 The story keeps dragging on until Sabrina tells her aunts she'll teach Jem a lesson she'll never forget for being selfish.
00:36 Hilda says Sabrina could send her to the North Pole in a bikini, and Zelda cheerfully chips in,
00:42 and Sabrina isn't horrified and instead says it's not Christmassy enough, being totally relaxed in response to that horror.
00:50 It's pretty confusing that they're all being portrayed as evil instead of Sabrina being the one non-evil one.
00:57 She sees a commercial and gets the cliche idea to rip off a Christmas Carol to try scaring Jem into being nice,
01:05 because she thinks she's too good for brainwashing.
01:09 Quigley lectures her, and why is that written if she's gonna do it anyways?
01:14 He could've not been in the room.
01:16 I like that she had the courage to tell him to let the witches handle this.
01:20 Why does he let the witches do anything if there's so many episodes where he's ordering them around, and they take it seriously when he grounds them?
01:28 He would just ground her and prevent the plot.
01:32 Salem's head tells Jem she'll be visited by the ghosts of Christmas.
01:37 He says he's none of the ghosts, and she's amazingly brave,
01:41 because she just casually points out that he said there were three ghosts, and yet he's supposedly a ghost.
01:47 How is she so brave? Is this remembering that she found out witchcraft exists because the Eiffel Tower turned into a kid?
01:55 She would've instantly recognized the voices of Sabrina and Hilda, since she was already awake enough to move.
02:02 Why did she take so long to ask her who she is and what she's doing in her room?
02:07 Her mouth gets muffled.
02:09 I think the story's gonna be about torturing Jem, so I'm actually willing to listen to her dialogue in this episode.
02:15 Hilda shows Jem a little kid on a mall Santa reading a list to the Santa.
02:20 He tells the boy to let the other kids have a turn, and he cries, and the mall Santa agrees to give him a lollipop.
02:26 And the boy says more and gets candy canes thrown at him, but cries again.
02:31 Then he gets handed a whole basket of candy, and Jem learns from that.
02:36 I doubt this would actually happen.
02:39 So we see her in a pile of gifts, with servants handing her gifts after she says more.
02:45 But if the gifts were already in her mansion, and it only took a few seconds for the servants to get her them,
02:51 then why the hell did the story pretend that she would only get the gifts if she said more?
02:56 It'd be a waste of money to not give her them at that point.
03:00 Jem only cries because a kid of her was taking a valuable vintage toy out of its box.
03:06 It's not like she's a comic collector.
03:10 It's lampshaded that Zelda's sheet isn't even white.
03:14 Again, why doesn't Jem act like she can hear Sabrina's whole family talking beside her?
03:19 She was just woken up seconds ago.
03:21 I always thought this story would've happened because her dreams were being altered.
03:25 Jem says those are her mother's sheets.
03:28 I have to assume Zelda is using those sheets instead of white ones because she just doesn't give a shit
03:33 since she knows Jem is fearless by now, despite all the times in the show where she was easily made to scream.
03:40 Jem gets shown a show she loves.
03:43 She's asked what about her parents.
03:45 Her parents always go to Guam without her for the holidays, and they didn't want Jem to hear them leave.
03:51 Jem unrealistically just looks bored with her arms behind her head instead of sad.
03:56 Well, it could be realistic because she has no reason to care about them,
03:59 so she wouldn't see it as a big loss that she doesn't get more time with these jerks.
04:03 She's shown a kid being happy he got a gift from Chloe.
04:06 How is he bothering to wear a big sweater?
04:09 Jem says she's supposed to feel bad she wasn't invited to a cheap party.
04:14 She asks why Chloe's dad is wearing a Santa suit because apparently Chloe's family celebrates Kwanzaa stereotypically.
04:22 This is the first I'm ever hearing of this stereotype.
04:25 It's not like she speaks with a Jamaican accent the whole show, after all.
04:29 She's told Christmas is about giving.
04:32 It's cheesy that Chloe sings.
04:35 Harvey sings that Jem got a new personality.
04:39 Jem says excellence because they're so jealous of her that they have to make songs about her.
04:44 What is the point of this episode if she's gonna react like this?
04:48 She recognizes Sabrina when she falls over in the cloak because she's so incompetent.
04:53 She keeps speaking in a silly voice and uses magic asking if Sabrina can do this.
04:59 What does Jem say? I'm gonna say no to that one.
05:02 But if she never believed for a second she wasn't Sabrina anyways,
05:06 it makes sense for her to not admit that she knows Sabrina's a witch if she knows she'll get her memory of magic wiped.
05:12 Jem's shown the future where she's a CEO and Sabrina wants to tell her Harvey lost money on his photography exhibit.
05:20 So she wants him to get a job in her company, assembling space shuttles or something.
05:25 Too bad the show can't decide on what kind of job Harvey's gonna get.
05:30 Like the sitcom did.
05:32 Jem tells a guard to get Sabrina out of here.
05:35 She's told off that it's Christmas and she falls down a tube.
05:39 Jem might have been justified though.
05:41 We have no idea if Harvey was unqualified for one of the jobs at the company.
05:45 And what Sabrina said was a pretty big ask.
05:49 Sabrina was asking her to engage in nepotism.
05:52 Sabrina works with her and Jem gets shown herself cryogenically frozen and says it's cool.
05:58 She picks up a visitor's book with a blank guest register.
06:03 Jem's nanny goes up to the tube and kicks it.
06:07 Logically she would have broken her foot and screamed.
06:11 I have to assume she had a metal cyborg foot.
06:15 And Jem unrealistically doesn't care about that and walks up to the doors to make them automatically open
06:21 even though she's an undetectable ghost and only cares about treasure.
06:25 If she's attached enough to her nanny to say nanny when she sees her,
06:29 why doesn't it hurt her feelings that she doesn't care about her?
06:34 Also, since her nanny is older than her, you'd think the nanny would have been dead by this point.
06:42 Doesn't it concern her at all that Jem apparently grows up to hate her own life to the point where she cryogenically freezes herself
06:51 long before even her nanny dies to old age?
06:55 She wasn't as old as her nanny, but her nanny acted like she was only free of her after she froze herself.
07:04 Quigley says Sabrina failed because she wanted this so bad. Huh?
07:09 So he thinks if you want something desperately, you're guaranteed to be disappointed every time.
07:14 He lectures her that she wanted to change her for herself.
07:18 Sabrina wanted to give Jem the gift of a new outlook just to save face.
07:23 This comes out of complete nowhere.
07:26 What makes him think that she doesn't want to change her for the greater good just because she also wants to save face?
07:34 That's not mutually exclusive.
07:36 He tells her to go to Jem's door with him.
07:39 I love that she calls Quigley "Sabrina's dominant and old bat guy."
07:43 My holiday is complete.
07:46 Sabrina invites Jem to her party and hands her a gift.
07:50 Jem laughs, saying "sucker" and slams the door.
07:53 Quigley somehow believes that's going to work when Jem showed no sign of empathy or wanting anyone to love her, as Sabrina would have told him.
08:03 She looks sad and sees a gold locket.
08:06 Jem goes to Quigley's house with her gifts to donate them to charity.
08:11 All because the writer wants to flip-flop her in her character after a whole story of demonizing her is usual.
08:18 Wouldn't she be scared that she'd be sent to boarding school for giving away the gifts that her parents bought her?
08:23 I guess she's counting on them never noticing that the gifts are gone.
08:27 Then Sabrina kindly lets Jem in and the story ends.
08:31 This story was a waste of time because while I thought it'd be about Jem suffering, she didn't care one bit during any of it.
08:39 I don't know what the story wants because before Jem showed a heart for no reason, it's somehow a Jem not caring when being the protagonist of a Christmas carol.
08:48 The only reason it makes sense for the cowardly Jem to be totally unafraid of all the magic going on when she never said that she assumed she was dreaming
08:57 is if she remembers magic exists from when she heard that a kid used to be the Eiffel Tower when spying on Sabrina and accused Sabrina.
09:05 She could've been made to forget, but then she could've found out again anyways and smartly kept it to herself.
09:12 Being away from Sabrina for a few hours could give her the time to realize that revealing she knows would make her erase her memory since everyone knows witches can do anything.
09:21 I don't really give a shit about the canon if the people in charge of the canon are writing horribly.
09:27 I just care about what makes the most sense.
09:30 It's just too distracting how Jem's attitude is.
09:34 If she's the type to be sad that she's all alone on Christmas and wants to go to Sabrina's party, why isn't she sad that her parents and nanny hate her?
09:43 The only value in the story is that it explains why Jem's a materialistic brat when it doesn't gel well with her also having strict, uncaring parents.
09:52 They threatened to send her to boarding school for much less, so why would she have thought she could get away with being a brat like this?
10:01 In Sabrina's Secret Life, it's explained that she did get sent to boarding school, what took so long.
10:07 But yeah, there is inherent value in explaining why she's a brat.
10:12 She saw someone else benefit from that behavior, and that is realistic because Caillou caused kids to tantrum and talk in a whiny way because he benefited from it.
10:22 And we do need to learn why she started being a brat, because with parents as strict as hers, why would she get the courage to act like that without seeing someone else do it?
10:32 And I only see her manipulator as servants, not people who can actually threaten her.
10:38 At least he doesn't demonize magic, just portray it as a waste of time.
10:43 Sure is convenient for the story actually happening that Sabrina must have thought simply brainwashing Jem into being nice would be too abhorrent.
10:51 She brainwashed quickly.
10:53 Or better yet, she was smart enough to know she'd hate the result of inevitably overdoing it when she knows how she really is, and she didn't want to risk changing her into a hippie.
11:03 So what was supposed to be the moral of this episode?
11:06 That you shouldn't use magic to try to make someone nicer?
11:10 But with any other normal person, this would have worked.
11:14 Or is it that giving a gift to your domestic abuser and inviting them to a party will make them appreciate it and be nice to you and go to the party?
11:24 This show has toxic morals when it comes to Jem.
11:29 Portraying her as a monster makes it even more dangerous that you're acting idealistic to her.
11:35 Sabrina the Animated Series, Episode 59.
11:39 Quigley is somehow driving a bus for kids to get them to a campsite when he's supposed to be trying to find space signals for his career and he spends most of his time doing housework.
11:50 But apparently this is like the old Archie comics where just about any adult can get a job as a camp counselor.
11:56 At least Jem references that she has a paycheck ready for a kid, so she is doing good.
12:02 The kid's grown because of Quigley, and you'd think that'd cause him to not do what he's gonna do next.
12:07 Because he's not supposed to be sadistic.
12:10 Then they grown because he planned to sing his song, but he does so anyways because he's a sociopath.
12:16 Jem snarks sarcastically that he's so cool.
12:19 It's unrealistic that Sabrina wouldn't be embarrassed by Quigley.
12:23 Why is it in this story?
12:25 She somehow took him so recently to notice how heavy her backpack was on one side because of Salem.
12:32 She tells him to get out of her sight, but doesn't warp her home.
12:36 I hate the sound of this stupid kid's voice.
12:39 He ends up in a hole, and Sabrina says she'd pull a prank if she felt like it, but is better than that.
12:45 No, she isn't.
12:47 Jem dares her and Harvey tells her not to, but Sabrina agrees because she's no better than Harvey easily dared.
12:54 The story gets boring showing the kids running with nothing else happening.
12:59 Salem's adult voice would instantly get the attention of everyone.
13:03 He mocks her that she'll do anything Jem tells her to.
13:07 He says he never should have dared the Witch's Council to turn him into a cat.
13:12 Why would you make the Foundation even worse?
13:15 By making it so that it could have easily not happened.
13:18 Out of nowhere, he bidges that he has no opposable thumbs when he never acts like he's restricted by that in the animated series.
13:25 Why does the squirrel in the tree have a guitar?
13:28 He must be a transformed warlock.
13:31 Especially since he banishes.
13:33 He can still play guitar anyways, so apparently this was the first time he tried to in centuries.
13:39 So why did he ever magically summon one off screen with potion ingredients?
13:44 The only way he'd ever get one.
13:46 Quickly he's freaked out by a rubber snake.
13:49 Salem tells him it wasn't a real snake, just a rubber one tied to him.
13:53 And he freaks out from nearly falling, and the tree branch breaks, and he lands on Salem which would realistically kill him.
14:01 I assume he's able to heal insanely fast because of witchcraft.
14:04 Since the Witch's Council are unusually merciful.
14:07 That's why he wasn't executed.
14:10 Why does the episode have the kind of padding where Salem daydreams about hippie stuff before being woken up?
14:16 You don't dream during a blackout.
14:19 You could have restructured the episode to have padding somewhere else that made sense for the series.
14:24 Salem says who knows why he was pranked, and at least Sabrina doesn't stupidly confess.
14:30 I hate that she feels bad about pranking this awful character that makes her life miserable.
14:36 She dares Gem to bike across a rotting log.
14:39 Why does Gem waste time asking her what she said?
14:42 Arbitrarily, Harvey is the voice of reason.
14:45 How does this make sense?
14:48 In an earlier episode, Sabrina acted like Harvey was an idiot for going along with scares.
14:54 Gem made the little kid do the dare instead of her.
14:57 This is more in character.
15:00 At least Gem said she paid for the dare.
15:03 Then Harvey and Sabrina break out in spots and start itching.
15:07 At least I can understand this being written because it's to punish Sabrina.
15:11 But Harvey doesn't deserve this in this episode.
15:15 Then there's no consequences because in the next scene, they're somehow free of red spots.
15:20 I have to assume Sabrina zapped them away.
15:23 Harvey wastes a bunch of time telling a scary story we see.
15:27 There's no value in seeing this. It's such a cliche.
15:31 Eventually, Gem dares Sabrina to spend an hour in a mine.
15:34 She says she'd live forever in shame if she didn't do this.
15:39 But she'd rather do the dare than erase her own memory.
15:43 Eventually, Sabrina tells Salem everyone's scared of this cave because of a fear of ghosts.
15:49 Sabrina's every reason to think she'd be safe.
15:52 She even says she's a witch.
15:54 But then she's scared anyways.
15:57 This is never good writing.
15:59 She sees Harvey and he says this mine is unstable and when he leans on a mine cart, it goes down an amusement park track.
16:08 And Sabrina goes with them.
16:10 I guess the reason they're screaming is that they all assume they're gonna get led to their deaths just because this is an old, unstable mine.
16:18 Even though it's just like a rollercoaster ride that kids love.
16:22 And they somehow meet talking canaries.
16:26 She somehow doesn't question why these canaries are talking and wearing clothes.
16:31 Salem just asks why they have bad fashion sense.
16:34 This shows no respect for our intelligence.
16:37 It doesn't bother explaining that they're former witches and these two never say they assumed that from the start.
16:43 Why does Sabrina not feel like warping them out of the mine right away?
16:47 I don't think she has the hide witchcraft from animals.
16:51 And every time she uses magic around Harvey, he says he was just dreaming so she can get away with it.
16:57 If the floor was unstable enough to break under Salem, what took it so long?
17:02 He holds onto a branch sticking out in an underground cave that somehow exists.
17:08 Somehow she reaches her guitar down to pull him up instead of either one using magic.
17:14 She thought to say she's a witch but forgets every time she's in danger.
17:19 This is all Quigley's fault.
17:21 Sabrina gets the message hammered in unnecessarily again because the canaries are also here on a dare.
17:28 Apparently they only pretended there was poisonous gas to make the miners run out of there screaming.
17:33 Then they got trapped in it.
17:36 How did they not starve or dehydrate?
17:39 Sabrina somehow screams and acts helpless when she's grabbed by monsters.
17:44 Why doesn't she use magic to instantly escape from it?
17:48 How are there monsters here?
17:50 Harvey somehow just asks her if this cave reminds her of pop culture and takes forever to notice she's in danger.
17:58 He swings by her and grabs her to save her because somehow its grip on her loosened for no reason.
18:04 They end up on a mine cart and obviously they'd have heard Salem talking right beside him.
18:10 How stupid does the writer think the audience is?
18:13 The mine cart lands and Harvey says he had the weirdest dream when he had no reason at all to think he was dreaming all of that.
18:20 Clearly it wasn't a dream because he ended up here.
18:23 So we'd only say this as a half-assed attempt to make her think he never heard Salem talk.
18:28 The story ends with her being dared to tell Quigley what happened to her.
18:32 The later episodes barely use Quigley for anything but making him suffer, as if the people behind the show know we hate him.
18:40 He hasn't been the focus in a while.
18:43 So why didn't they know and make him suffer a lot more?
18:46 This episode annoyingly hammers in the message against following dares,
18:49 which would have only worked if it was Harvey always doing the dares because that's his character as of an earlier episode.
18:56 While Sabrina was the one who disapproved of doing dares.
18:59 The show's had Harvey be taught the moral before, so why would you do it again?
19:05 So it's a boring, shitty idiot plot where Sabrina keeps doing dares to avoid her peers thinking she's a coward her whole life.
19:12 Even though she's fine with brainwashing Quigley, so clearly she would have just brainwashed them, not done the dare.
19:19 There's no real reason to have talking canaries in the plot, because it already proved that it was stupid to follow dares.
19:27 At least he doesn't demonize magic.
19:30 In fact, she only suffers through the climax for not using magic.
19:34 But this kind of plot about dares being bad could be done in anything.
19:38 And it only tries teaching the message by showing that you can suffer from the consequences of doing a dare,
19:44 when you'd already know the consequences of doing the dare, so that won't stop you.
19:50 Rather than simply telling you that it doesn't matter if these jerks who will mock you for not having the good sense not to do a dare look down on you,
19:57 because you're smarter than them.
19:59 Fear isn't bad, it protects you.
20:02 It should have shown the other kids suffering from the consequences of also doing dares to show that they're all idiots for thinking that you should always ignore fear.
20:11 They should have gone to the mime.
20:13 The story could have been good if it was just about people happily pranking Quigley.
20:18 It's sad when the show would have been better if it learned from SpongeBob, because he's a lot more deserving than Squidward.