• 10 months ago
A woman says “breaking up” with her best friend was much harder than any relationship split - and it even left her in therapy.

Sabrina Kirberg, 31, had a decade long friendship with her best friend until they finally ended up parting ways after an argument, she claims.

She said she went through the “five stages of grief,” and believes it’s not as easy as “eating ice cream and having time with your girls” - like a typical break-up.

She had to seek therapy to help her "grieve" the friendship and still thinks about her friend everyday.

Sabrina, a mental health co-ordinator from New York City, said: “Breaking up with a friend is like grief. You go through denial. It’s so much worse than relationship break-ups.

“You think you’ll be fine and you just need to get through the rough patch - but then comes the depression and you just find yourself crying all the time.

“When it comes to a romantic relationship you’ll be sad, have your ice cream and go out with your girls.

“But losing my best friend was like having my support system ripped away from me, all at once.”

Sabrina met her ex-best friend at an athletics club when they were 16, she says.

They shared a number of “firsts” together over the years - including first boyfriends, passing their driving tests at the same time, and being allowed to hang out without parents supervision.

But as they got older, they began bickering a lot more Sabrina claims - and she felt left out when her friend started spending time with other people.

After Sabrina met her partner, Nathanial Baker, 29, she says the two grew even further apart.

The pair had one last argument - during which they argued about Nathanial, she claims.

Sabrina didn’t reach out afterwards, and they haven’t spoken since.

She said: “There’s a lot that triggered the break-up - there were a lot of mean words and anger thrown around."

Sabrina says she’s still coming to terms with her friendship break-up, five years later - and has gone through the five stages of grief in order to accept it.

She denied the break-up was happening at first, thinking the pair would make up just like they’d done before.

Then, she became angry - as well as depressed, and says she “cried all the time”.

Sabrina said: “All you do is ruminate.

“You go through the memories all over again.

“I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the catalyst for our breakup - everything I could’ve done better.

“I just got angry and ashamed of myself for seeing the red flags in the relationship and ignoring them - and why didn’t I end the friendship earlier?

“You go into bargaining a lot when you’re reliving the memories, which is just like the third stage of grief. I kept thinking, ‘if I’d done things this way, it would’ve happened differently in this way’ - and it spirals out of control.”

Sabrina still thinks about the friend on a daily basis - but she has worked through her feelings in therapy.

She said: “Years after, I still think about her every day.

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Transcript
00:00 She broke my heart, absolutely destroyed it.
00:03 I never imagined her out of my life.
00:05 I imagined her being my maid of honor when we got married.
00:10 I imagined her being the godmother of my kids.
00:13 I imagined growing old with her.
00:16 I had this running joke that when we get old and we get into a retirement home,
00:20 we will just race down the hallways in our wheelchairs.
00:26 It hurts because you miss that person.
00:29 And for me personally, it hurts the most because she decided to ghost me
00:33 instead of talk to me about it.
00:36 Especially after a relationship for that long.
00:39 I reached out so many times trying to get her to talk to me to explain
00:43 what is going on between us and she never put in the effort to do that.
00:47 I think that hurts more than the ghosting or anything is that
00:51 I wasn't enough for her to reach out and talk to me about it.
00:56 Like it hurts when you hear from mutual friends about the situation but yet
01:00 they can't even talk to you about what's going on.
01:04 I loved her.
01:05 She was a sister to me.
01:06 She was everything to me.
01:07 We were friends for such a long time.
01:10 She would have reached out but I definitely tried to figure this out.
01:12 I'm not the type of person that won't admit that I made mistakes.
01:16 I make mistakes.
01:17 It's about learning to change your behaviors in order to fix those mistakes.
01:21 But you also need to know what that mistake is in order to move forward and change your behavior.
01:27 And I know you guys are going to sound off in the comments because you don't know the story
01:30 and you're probably going to tell me, "Oh well she tried to tell you.
01:32 She probably tried to tell you."
01:34 I wish.
01:35 I wish she tried to tell me.
01:36 I wish she would have come up to me and talked to me.
01:38 I've tried.
01:39 I went up to her a few times.
01:40 I'm like, "Hey, tell me what's going on.
01:42 Tell me what's going on."
01:43 She'd rather disappear ghost and tell all her mutual friends what the problem is
01:49 than I would hear from the grapevine.
01:51 And I think that was the most painful part of it all.
01:53 If you don't express that you have a problem, there is no problem.
01:57 I wish I could have read her mind.
01:58 It would have helped.
02:00 It would have helped a lot.
02:01 After that, I went through a big depression and I went through the most painful experience
02:06 of my life.
02:07 I started paying attention to my own toxic traits and the behaviors and the beliefs that I had.
02:13 And I just had enough.
02:15 I went through hell putting myself back together because I felt completely shattered and broken.
02:20 I did not trust anyone.
02:22 I didn't trust anyone.
02:23 No friends.
02:24 I didn't want any friends in my life.
02:26 I didn't trust anyone.
02:27 I was so vulnerable with her and then she just decided to disappear out of my life completely.
02:33 And that absolutely broke me.
02:35 So yeah, I think about her every day.
02:38 But I also think about the fact that I healed from that experience.
02:42 I also think about how I would go through that breakup all over again just to get to
02:46 where I am now.
02:47 I love myself so much.
02:48 I have so much more confidence.
02:51 I now have incredible friends that I know deserve to be in my company.
02:55 I have an incredible boyfriend that goes beyond, beyond, above and beyond.
03:01 I have an incredible job.
03:03 I have an incredible life.
03:04 And now I have people that surround me that I know I've allowed in my life and put in
03:11 the effort and show through their actions that they care about me.
03:14 I loved her, but this wasn't the first time that she ghosted me.
03:18 She ghosted me many times and I had to go through therapy to relive the trauma.
03:24 And with my therapist, she kind of made me realize like her behaviors were repeated patterns.
03:32 It wasn't like, "Oh, she ghosted me out of the blue."
03:34 No, she's been ghosting me.
03:36 I've just been allowing her in my life over and over and over again and forgiving her
03:42 instead of being like, "I don't deserve this.
03:44 I don't deserve a best friend that just pops in and out of my life whenever she pleases,
03:49 whenever she's bored, whenever she broke up with a guy, whenever the guy's busy."
03:54 That was an ongoing thing and I'm happy I'm not in that anymore, honestly.
04:02 I loved her, but I love myself more now.

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