Sex & Relationships Expert Shan Boodram talks to Sirk TV about perspective, psychology, approach and expectation while talking about dating trends on the Bumble dating app for 2024.
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00:00 [MUSIC]
00:20 Dating is not easy, but the thing is, is that both men, women, all genders,
00:24 all different proclivities really need to know, everybody's psychology is different,
00:30 but there are certain things that pursue through everybody and the way they react psychologically.
00:37 Can you talk about that and the aspect of the physical versus the emotional?
00:41 Because that goes in everything the Bumble is doing as well.
00:44 Yes, I think that everybody line is so important, especially when we come up to Valentine's Day,
00:50 which is a national holiday or a national day that we all recognize and celebrate.
00:55 And so some people feel resentful of that because they have specific needs or wants,
00:59 and sometimes they feel like somebody assumes too much or doesn't assume enough.
01:03 And so communication is the word that we often come back to, but we can't say it enough,
01:07 pun intended, because some people still neglect just to have the simple conversations around,
01:13 what do you expect? What excites you? What would make you feel happy and celebrated?
01:17 And here's where I'm at. Can we meet in the middle? And if we can't,
01:20 can we set expectations that don't allow for one person to feel disappointed?
01:25 So Bumble's number one trend this year is that this is the year of self. And that truly speaks
01:31 to the fact that we're rejecting the status quo. We're rejecting the trends of other people,
01:37 the expectations of others. We're seeing that through the timeline decline where people,
01:41 specifically women, are saying, I'm rejecting the idea that I have to be married or have kids or do
01:46 any of these things by a certain age if that doesn't feel right for me. And also other things
01:51 like people saying, you have to date older, you have to date younger. Women in particular, two
01:55 thirds are saying, I'm open to dating younger if the connection is there. And also on that feature
02:00 of it being a year of self, people are also saying, I'm happy with who I am right now,
02:05 and I'm interested in romantic connections that meet me with a sense of worthiness,
02:09 not an expectation for me to become someone different. And so leaning into that, be honest
02:14 about who you are, what you like and what you need. And that's a universal tip that we can all
02:19 get on board with. It's nice that it's a trend this year, but of course, it's a through line
02:24 through all healthy, intimate connections. [Music]
02:32 >> Well, because it's a balanced expectation, anticipation,
03:02 and acceptance, because those different things go into a relationship, what are you expecting
03:07 from it, but how you feel about yourself in terms of your own ego, men and women and what they want
03:12 to be perceived in certain ways. And that can be the mask that goes up. And obviously, you're
03:17 trying to put forth your best self on any given dating app, but there has to be that authenticity.
03:23 Can you talk about looking at that from your perspective and your expertise, but also in how
03:29 Bumble sort of does that by doing the prompts and different things like that? >> Yeah, I think that
03:36 best self is a cliche, but a really beautiful phrase to lean into. But you have to really
03:44 ground that in who you are today. So best self period, not best future self or best projection
03:52 of self. I mean, I'm actually even thinking about something as literal as filters, right? Like,
03:57 "Oh, I use this filter because this is how I look on a certain day or how I'm going to look after
04:01 this." And it's like, "Okay, well, just show how you've genuinely looked the best version of that.
04:06 Just come with that. You don't have to show the sides of yourself that you're very vulnerable
04:12 about." I mean, that's the joy of getting intimate with someone that you can reveal those parts
04:15 as time goes on gradually, mutually, and logically, but you can lead with your best self.
04:21 But make sure it's authentically you. Don't Google jokes to try to be funnier than you actually are.
04:27 Just be the you that your friends know and love. That's why I actually really think that in success,
04:33 dating, specifically online dating, the strength to online dating is that it can be a team sport.
04:38 It's solo, but you can ask a friend, "Hey, look over my profile. Is this really how you know me
04:44 to feel, to look, to sound? Are there parts of me that you really love that you feel are not
04:49 highlighted? What can I bring to the forefront?" Et cetera. So it can be a conversation around that.
04:54 And whether or not you actually choose to go ahead and launch your profile, or you just go
04:58 through that exercise, it can be really beautiful in seeing how others see you,
05:02 and hopefully, I know how you should see yourself.
05:06 [Music]
05:26 I mean, a lot of people have apprehensions sometimes about getting on dating apps because
05:29 they don't want to be judged. But the thing is, is that sometimes the want and the need to connect,
05:35 both physically, intimately, just on a social level is such a pull. Can you talk about that?
05:41 Because that psychology, whether it be for sex, whether it be for relationships, whether it be
05:48 for friends, it all takes on a different dynamic. And especially with the way Bumble works, I mean,
05:53 the women do the first message on that heterosexual basis. I know it's different on
05:59 other elements with same-sex. But can you talk about that and looking at that dynamic and how
06:05 that changes maybe the game a little bit? Yeah, I think be the change you wish to see
06:10 in the world. And so the word "judged" really stands out to me because some people do feel
06:15 that way, that it's this big assessment of yes or no, yes or no. And a way that Bumble has worked to
06:21 bridge that gap is through a new feature called "Compliments." And in essence, it allows you to
06:27 send one kind message to someone whether or not you've matched. That, to me, is more in line with
06:33 how I experience connections in the real world. I don't start a conversation with somebody at,
06:38 "Do you like me? I like you," which is on dating apps, where things begin. We started at something
06:44 kind that you just notice about that person or a comment on the environment or a comment about
06:49 something that you feel that you have in common. You build rapport that way. And so even if you
06:55 ... If that feels difficult for you, that probably is a great invitation to start doing that.
07:01 So just go on there and just send a bunch of compliments indiscriminately, not just to people
07:05 that you find attractive or interested in, but just in the spirit of spreading kindness and making
07:11 the world feel a little bit less judgmental and critical and people not feeling disposable
07:16 in a space where they're searching for something so meaningful like love.
07:19 [Music]
07:42 This base attraction, that only lasts so long. Then you actually have to have a discussion
07:49 because that love at first sight motif doesn't hold as much water. It never really did.
07:55 But the whole idea of that you have to have this discussion ... I've noticed when I was looking at
08:00 some of the stuff for Bumble, the trends also includes being able to watch sports together,
08:05 whatever type of sport it is, the aspect of what was the other one. Having similar
08:11 socio-political values is a big key to that as well. Can you talk about ... Because all these
08:16 little things come together to build a relationship and if it will last.
08:20 Yeah, you hit the nail on the head that there's so much more than meets the eye. I mean, the eye
08:26 might be the reason why you meet and we can't deny that, that we are visual and it is a joy and it is
08:33 a great benefit to be attracted to the person that you're going to have a romantic connection with,
08:37 but it can't end there. And if it does, then it likely will end there. You've got to have
08:41 more in common. And I think that the sports trend in particular is really nice for straight men in
08:47 particular to lean into because that's a really big part of your life and your lifestyle. It is
08:51 important to look for a partner who's enthusiastic about that. And a micro trend within that is the
08:57 joy that people have in the banter. So it's not even saying that we have to both love sports and
09:02 love the same sports team. Baby, you can love a different sports team. As long as we can bring
09:06 this into our home and we're both interested and engaged in this topic that you might spend a third
09:11 of your life investing your time into, that's important to keep in mind. So I'm 100% wholeheartedly
09:16 agree with you that dating apps are, they are largely about the visual because it is about
09:23 swiping and going through a lot of options, which is beautiful and can also have a downside to it,
09:29 depending on if you have a system in place or not. But beyond that, it's our responsibility
09:34 to acknowledge the other important factors, which is rapport, shared lifestyle and shared values.
09:40 And Bumble does its best with badges and other features to try to weave those in there. But we
09:44 can definitely help too by starting those conversations early.
09:48 Yeah, I like how you brought that aspect of sports because obviously we're seeing that with one
10:10 large scale relationship in the current media with Swift and Kelsey. But beyond that, I mean,
10:16 we're coming towards something with Valentine's Day, which some people dread, some people love,
10:21 some people don't quite know what to do, but they have to be communicating with their partner. Can
10:27 you talk about sort of the expectation of Valentine's Day in the current sort of societal
10:32 structure, but how you have to sort of maintain sort of that love and appreciation all throughout
10:37 the year? You can't just be Valentine's Day. Yes. I love what you said about acceptance.
10:44 I think that the order to go in is curiosity first, right? What are your thoughts on Valentine's Day?
10:51 And then we can talk about expectation management based on where you're at. And then there can be
10:58 another expose within that, right? Because we can have a conversation, you say, "Oh, Valentine's Day
11:03 is coming up. What do you think about it?" And I could say, "Oh, it's a commercial holiday. I hate
11:06 it." And then we can leave it at that, or you can go, "Oh, what made you feel that way?" And then I
11:10 can tell the story about how I was expected to spend a certain amount of money, and when I didn't,
11:14 it turned into a huge fight. And then we can have a dialogue and say, "Well, between us,
11:18 that's not a value system." So we can redefine the day based on our needs and our expectations.
11:23 And then after that, the acceptance word is really important because after we've both been curious,
11:28 and we have figured out where each person lands, we can accept the other person where they're at,
11:33 and then set our expectations accordingly for the day. We should love the day that is meant
11:38 to celebrate love. And about half of people, I would say right now, don't love that day because
11:43 it didn't meet their expectations. That's probably because they didn't do the legwork before.
11:48 So now that we've got a bit more time before Valentine's Day, write a traditional wrong,
11:52 and just have that conversation playing. Yes, it's nice to be surprised. You can still leave a margin
11:58 of possibility for surprise, but the whole day shouldn't be one giant mystery until it's too
12:03 late. [Music]