I Was 10 and 300 POUNDS! Freedomain Call In

Stefan Molyneux

In this episode, I delve into a caller's struggles with procrastination, self-sabotage, and rural isolation, as we navigate through personal challenges and aspirations towards personal growth and fulfillment. Through metaphors like designing a house as a metaphor for life goals, we explore issues of weight loss, familial dynamics, childhood experiences, emotional processing, and the complexities of managing physical and emotional well-being. The conversation also touches upon childhood neglect and abuse, emotional repercussions, confronting past trauma, and the importance of understanding and healing. We discuss the impact of childhood experiences on behavior, relationships, and personal growth, emphasizing the need for self-awareness, acceptance, and accountability for one's well-being and healing journey.  Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!  Get my new series on the Truth About the French Revolution, access to the audiobook for my new book 'Peaceful Parenting,' StefBOT-AI, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and more!  See you soon!  https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022

Transcript

00:00:00 Hello hey how's it going very good the first time i just wanted to apologize for kind of being in a grump

00:00:07 kind of before i assume assuming makes an ass out of you and me but it was it was me that time

00:00:11 it was a good helpful lesson and you know we all we all do it so it's good to be reminded for

00:00:17 everyone no no problem at all so yeah so i got your message and uh do you want to lay it out

00:00:23 for me how i can best help you yeah well i'm i'm hoping that the issue that i have is something

00:00:28 just kind of silly and technical that like that could be applied to anyone regardless of

00:00:33 like you know i i don't want it to be oh like but woe is me kind of like you know tough life

00:00:39 all that stuff it's like i don't i don't like doing that because it's not it's uh like kind of

00:00:45 being in like a spiral or kind of like a i feel like i'm in a negative feedback loop i don't know

00:00:51 like what your opinion is of of that of like you're stuck on kind of like the ruts that you're

00:00:57 in you don't know how to get out of them there's probably something very obvious that you're

00:01:01 missing or maybe i'm i'm lying to myself about things of of what i actually want to do and i'm

00:01:09 i guess i'm full of shit to myself i don't think so like the issue that i have

00:01:13 just like a technical one is mainly procrastination to the point where it's

00:01:19 it looks like it's going to i mean at the moment right now it's it's uh 5 a.m and i'm trying to

00:01:26 catch up with like i talk about procrastination and kind of putting things off it's oh like at

00:01:31 the i've left even though i have every incentive to do the right thing or to do something that

00:01:37 benefits me and like you know if you have to do your chores and it doesn't benefit you you can

00:01:43 you can you can put that off but i have something that is actually really good that i keep on

00:01:48 delaying and just filling it with just nothing i look back and i'm doing nothing and i

00:01:55 and i and i'm really worried like at the the moment of thinking well i'm either going to crash

00:02:00 and just burn out and then like i don't know like you know i don't want to think about that

00:02:07 at that i but i have to because i can i can feel that coming and i'm like i i i don't i don't know

00:02:13 what to do uh like i can like i it's it's hard to when you're doing something by yourself you can't

00:02:21 there's no technical help for uh what you're doing like field-wise because it's like completely new

00:02:28 not completely new but like it's there's just no help there's just no help and i i don't know what

00:02:34 to do so i'm just kind of hoping that so i'm just kind of hoping that i don't know like i i don't

00:02:41 know like where you want for where you want me to go for context like it's to do with basically

00:02:48 intentionally finding every excuse possible in your head to not do the thing that you need to do

00:02:55 but there's every incentive for you to do it i i i can't figure out like it's it's just a habit

00:03:01 that i have it's just at the moment i can't get away with like ignoring that or going oh yeah

00:03:06 that's just like a quirk that i have that's just my personality it's like no like now it's you know

00:03:13 it's like it's like being irresponsible as a kid you get away with that when you're a kid but when

00:03:16 you're an adult you're on your own or you have people that depend on you it's like oh [ __ ] like

00:03:22 that now like you can't do that anymore it's like well is it is it a tram line is it something else

00:03:28 i don't know i don't even know how to like is it a tram line is that what you said a tram line i'm

00:03:34 not sure what you mean oh i i mean like i'm sorry what i mean that negative i don't know what your

00:03:42 opinion is on like you being in like a positive if you're in a positive feedback loop like you were

00:03:46 inspired to do something and everything's going well and you kind of you're on like the upswing

00:03:51 i feel like i'm on a downswing of well i'm i'm stuck in a i'm stuck in a rut and i'm going around

00:03:56 in circles and and the lines are kind of like affixed and getting deeper of i don't yeah i

00:04:02 i just don't know what to do but and what's your age range and how's your life as a whole

00:04:09 [Music]

00:04:12 uh i'm 28 i i don't know like life-wise like i like i already said like i i'm at home i've been

00:04:23 like housebound not housebound but i can i can go out it's just i have a lot of trouble walking

00:04:28 i've been on and off crippled with uh a type of like juvenile arthritis since i was a kid

00:04:36 so i um i don't know i think for like considering the circumstances like i'm pretty i'm pretty

00:04:42 i'm pretty positive like as a person i used to uh in october um uh october last year i was

00:04:50 working um i had to stop working at a local airport that was my like part-time job and i

00:04:56 was trying to transition into uh doing something else because i knew that like my my body physically

00:05:02 it's like i like my job and i like the people there and that was that was that was my socializing

00:05:07 really um but it was it was going to work in uh helping like and doing all the airport stuff i

00:05:13 love that i love interacting with people um and i didn't used to uh but um because i i couldn't

00:05:19 put pressure on like my my knee anymore and it's okay well if i'm it's back to like it was when i

00:05:24 was like living and working on the farm like dragging my leg behind me it's like well people

00:05:30 won't hire you it's like you're not you're not disabled enough to be counted as disabled but

00:05:36 you're disabled enough that like completely fair like no one's going to like hire you to do like

00:05:41 i couldn't work at the mines or do any of like the typical stuff that other people do to earn

00:05:46 like a high income i just had to like stick around on the farm as like a plow horse

00:05:56 um sorry i'm not sure when you're finished so i don't want to interrupt

00:05:59 oh i i'm sorry um i i didn't know i didn't want to keep on like rambling oh hold on like

00:06:07 yeah um yeah so life-wise i don't know i think if other people were in my position they wouldn't

00:06:14 be happy it's just i've been in my position for like being alone for just so long that

00:06:21 like there's no point like sucking about it you know like i don't have i don't have a partner

00:06:25 um like i don't i don't think i will like and it's not it's not even like being defeatist i

00:06:31 don't think that's fair to other people of like you know the the dog that's been just kind of

00:06:37 like on its own for too long like you know like kind of let it live its life on its own it's going

00:06:42 to be like just not get along with other people not even that like i'm nice to people i don't

00:06:46 have an issue i don't know it's it's it's a thing of um like i guess i dealt with social

00:06:55 insecurity from having been isolated in a bad way that it ended up working where i got fed up

00:07:03 because something bad happened and i just gave up and thought you know like fuck people like

00:07:09 absolutely fuck them like i put so much effort into like pussyfooting around people and caring

00:07:14 about other people's feelings and then this thing happens like well clearly my feelings don't matter

00:07:18 and i kind of spat the dummy and when i spat the dummy or everything to do with socializing got

00:07:25 better because i spat the dummy in a way that oh it's like like you have personality change

00:07:30 like you're not i'm not pre-planning conversation i used to like pre-plan conversations before i

00:07:35 had them if i would do deliveries for my family's farm of like oh i'll talk about the weather i'll

00:07:40 talk about this thing in the news of like it feels smart if you're autistic but it's completely

00:07:46 it's not off the cuff so all someone has to do is say something that's not off the cuff and it's

00:07:51 like oh crap like you don't have like the decision tree to actually engage with people like i could

00:07:56 i couldn't talk back to you like even over like a microphone like like not that long ago of just not

00:08:02 being just being afraid of just yeah just saying what i think of just yeah like being

00:08:10 raised to always like like be very concerned about other people's feelings and kind of

00:08:14 like who cares about yours so i'm i'm finished okay thanks i appreciate that we'll need to have

00:08:22 like over over and out uh that's fine and uh what is it that would be the best uh what is it that

00:08:28 would be the best outcome for you in a conversation with me i mean it's it's kind of like

00:08:40 i have someone like going to church and then waiting for like the religious experience that

00:08:45 might not happen it's well i've on your show like the the times where i've seen you kind of

00:08:52 grill into someone and there's something quite often it's like you'll say something like

00:08:58 no like this isn't true like you know that's not true like you're lying about this thing you're

00:09:02 lying about what you want or something like it it feels like i kind of want that of like oh like

00:09:09 it's like kind of not eureka moment of like you can tell someone if they're overweight that they

00:09:16 need to eat less and exercise more but the odds are very good that they they understand that like

00:09:21 that's not that's not the issue it's like why aren't you doing the thing that you could be doing

00:09:25 and there might be a whole bunch of legitimate reasons for that but that's not it's like the

00:09:30 thing that's actionable and the thing that's to do with like a narrative that you see everything

00:09:34 through that warps everything it's like if you think all women are shit and terrible then like

00:09:40 you you're not going to interact with women nicely and then you're not going to have nice outcomes

00:09:44 like for me i don't think i'm interacting with myself very nicely uh i'm not i'm not doing right

00:09:50 by me and i'm not doing right by my by my future like and at the moment it's it's like very very

00:09:58 clear kind of like two paths of either the thing that i'm doing works uh or like it doesn't and

00:10:05 like i don't know what comes after that like i'm blessed at the moment like for even having

00:10:11 uh like the advent of starlink because before that i couldn't like even get like a proper signal

00:10:16 like for doing anything like i had like no no options for doing anything because

00:10:22 internet's like completely shit where i am so yeah uh although right what do you think i was

00:10:30 asking for when i asked you what you're trying to get out of this conversation because i need to know

00:10:37 how i'm landing for you what outcome this isn't sorry i'm not hang on let me finish i'm not saying

00:10:41 anything negative i just really want to understand because i don't understand what you want out of

00:10:47 the conversation other than you're glad to have gotten better internet and you feel you might be

00:10:50 alone forever and and and i've told other people that they're lying so what specifically like how

00:10:57 would you gauge this to be a successful conversation for you like what would you

00:11:01 hope what insight would you hope to have what barriers would you like to overcome

00:11:05 sorry sorry about that i didn't mean to um kind of warble on no no i did i'm not sure i'm not

00:11:13 saying this to correct you or i'm not saying you're doing anything wrong i just want to make

00:11:19 sure that i know what you're looking for yeah no what like oh like at the if we if we do something

00:11:28 and the outcome is positive what does the positive outcome look like that well the positive outcome is

00:11:32 like i it's kind of like when you framed i assume this this doesn't apply to me because i spat the

00:11:43 dummy for socializing and that is kind of what fixed my issue because then i realized it's kind

00:11:48 of like having if you tell someone that like having sex isn't a big deal well like that's all

00:11:54 well and good but that doesn't solve that doesn't get rid of the monkey off someone's back but if

00:11:58 someone does actually get rid of that monkey off their back then they can look back on that and

00:12:01 think yeah it wasn't actually that big a deal but if your problem is that okay dude dude i'm trying

00:12:05 to be patient here what do you want to get out of the conversation i i appreciate these monkey

00:12:10 analogies they're very interesting but i still don't know what you want to get out of the

00:12:15 conversation okay i want to be i i want to not procrastinate i want to not actually self-sabotage

00:12:28 and wreck things for myself okay do you want you said that you're and it's quite complex

00:12:36 oh no i i know like even just saying that it's like well let's that's even just saying that it's

00:12:42 like well that's that's so like complex and like open-ended of like oh no no i'm not i didn't ask

00:12:48 you to judge what you've said i just asked you what you wanted so overcoming procrastination

00:12:53 that's a big one for you right the biggest yeah that's the biggest okay what about your

00:13:02 woeful retreat into rural isolation that you are going to be alone forever and ever amen

00:13:11 and so on is that something that you want to overcome or is that something you're more or

00:13:15 less content with uh well i don't like i mean i i've lived in like i've lived in the city i

00:13:24 didn't like it so it's not like the things that i'm hung up on like okay did i ask you which city

00:13:29 ideally hang on you need to listen to please i beg of you listen to what i'm saying and answer the

00:13:35 question if you want to tell me about the cities you've lived in that you liked or didn't like

00:13:39 that's not my question right do you want or do you view as a no no let me finish let me finish now

00:13:46 do you view it as a problem to be overcome that you experience severe isolation and expect to

00:13:52 for the rest of your life for the rest of my life yes but if you mean isolation is living in a rural

00:14:03 area itself which is inherently isolating then no that's not actually something i have an issue

00:14:07 with that's something that i prefer but to do with like socializing like at the moment no no you know

00:14:13 fuck socializing i'm sorry sorry i'm happy no what about hang on what about a wife what about kids

00:14:21 what about all of that sort of stuff probably not like i i can't i can't suck about not having

00:14:29 something if i haven't put in any effort to acquire it okay that's not about i'm not asking

00:14:34 about the efforts you have or have not put in i'm asking is it a problem that you could that you

00:14:40 would like to overcome which is to be without a a partner and without children for the rest of your

00:14:50 life the only reason it feels like a problem is because it's an expectation in the end so hang on

00:14:59 but is it your expectation of other people's expectations no like no no i mean like no i

00:15:05 mean like social expectations of like well why don't you have x and y by this age or that age

00:15:10 it's like well like i can i can give myself like a whole bunch of legitimate excuses of

00:15:15 yeah like i didn't do blah blah because of xyz no no hang on hang on hang on no so i'm not asking

00:15:22 about social expectations so and i'm sorry to have to interrupt i just want to make sure that we get

00:15:27 a good use out of our time together so so you don't want to fall in love you don't want to

00:15:34 get married you don't want to be a father is that right now forget social expectations you

00:15:39 in your heart you want to go through life without a partner without a lover without

00:15:43 a mother for your children is that right and i'm not criticizing i'm just curious

00:15:47 it's it's it's it's not about it's not about like oh like the the the the alternate timeline where

00:15:56 that's a thing yeah that that that sounds great i just i don't think that like if i'm going to put

00:16:03 in effort into something first it should be the thing that's like my immediate problem which is

00:16:08 to do with like business and being successful like if i can figure that out it's like yeah like

00:16:14 if i'm if i'm if i make excuses because i'm sick and i'm isolated and then that becomes kind of a

00:16:20 negative feedback loop of well there's no point in pursuing all the things you're talking about

00:16:25 because like well i've already lost you know it's kind of like yeah like yeah you're the you're the

00:16:31 ball dwarf at like 15 or something of like you like you you're downranked like you you downrank

00:16:37 yourself and then you don't put in effort because you think well what's the point of putting in

00:16:39 effort because you're only gonna all right this is all very abstract now this is all very abstract

00:16:45 and you're giving me some odd philosophy of something or other but i'm basically just asking

00:16:50 the question if you could have your hang on let me let me ask you the question if you could have

00:16:56 a happy marriage with children would you want that yeah okay okay so the reason i'm saying is that

00:17:07 don't you i'm sorry i don't i don't see that as as bad it's just that it's like i wouldn't put

00:17:16 myself out there in the position that i'm in now it's like there's no there's no point

00:17:22 well i'm not asking you about now i'm asking over the course of your life

00:17:27 like let me put it to you this way when you want to build a house you don't just start

00:17:32 throwing bricks together right what's the first thing you do

00:17:34 plans for where everything goes well you design the house

00:17:43 right you want one story two stories how many bedrooms what size attic

00:17:47 is it going to be centrally heated do you want air conditioning is it going to be built in is it

00:17:51 going to be on the wind like you plan the house right and then you only start building once you

00:17:55 know what the end goal is right so i'm going to have a different conversation with you

00:18:01 hang on sorry i'm going to have a different conversation with you if your end goal is to

00:18:06 overcome procrastination or if your end goal is to have a wife and kids i'm just telling you

00:18:13 that is going to condition the conversation i i don't care what goal you want i'm like the taxi

00:18:19 driver all i'm saying is where do you want to get to now if you say i want to get down the street

00:18:24 that's one thing if you want to say i want to go across the the the the city that's another thing

00:18:28 so i'm just asking what is the end goal of an ideal life that you would like to achieve

00:18:36 but hang on will you just well i i well ideal life and conversation with you that

00:18:41 leads to a more ideal life it's not the same thing like like i like having a wife and kids

00:18:46 would be wonderful but at the moment like the the problem that i really want to deal with

00:18:51 like maybe that maybe if i become successful that leads to me becoming yeah like in my mind like

00:18:57 marriageable like i don't see myself as that at the moment and i i wouldn't i wouldn't put that

00:19:03 on someone you know i wouldn't i know i get that you've you've said that a bunch of times

00:19:07 and again i'm sorry about the the uh diabetes that you're suffering from the ailments and so on

00:19:13 have you ever been coached before i i'm going to assume not in sports but have you been coached

00:19:19 before in math or or have you taken writing courses like have you have you experienced

00:19:26 coaching before and what was your what were you coached in yeah sure

00:19:34 oh um i guess for like the most recent thing it would be not just coaching but also teaching like

00:19:39 vertical rescue what's that are you talking about writings you're talking about something academic

00:19:45 vertical up well when i used to volunteer like i used to do you have to get to learn

00:19:49 how to do all the things for like state protect um um security services

00:19:54 okay so have you experienced coaching services have you have you experienced coaching from an

00:20:03 expert one-on-one coaching yes and how did that go it was very nice it was very nice to have some

00:20:12 it was wonderful uh not feeling confident in the beginning and then afterwards you know

00:20:17 like you can you can do something and it's it's a wonderful feeling okay because i'll tell you my

00:20:23 experience of talking to you so far is that we're kind of wrestling for authority or not quite

00:20:30 control but something like that right so we've been talking for what i don't know 15 minutes or so

00:20:35 and i have a particular methodology for approaching these conversations and you're fighting me uh uh

00:20:46 every step of the way right so i'm for me it shouldn't take 10 minutes to get an answer to

00:20:50 a single simple question do you want to get married and have kids yes or no right and i'm getting all

00:20:57 this stuff about well maybe later or procrastination is my biggest issue but down the road and ideal and

00:21:01 vertical security like it's it's just as far as efficiency goes all you have to do is ask the

00:21:08 question right but i think that's tough for you because you won't surrender to a particular kind

00:21:16 of process that is my coaching right because you want to tell me about why it's not appropriate now

00:21:26 and why you may not have something to offer and all of that sort of stuff right as opposed to

00:21:31 i'm asking you questions for a reason you know just just give me the answers i don't need an

00:21:36 essay it it's not i mean it's kind of yes no some people they don't want to get married and have

00:21:40 kids and some people do and if you're one of those people say yes in the long run it would be nice to

00:21:44 be married i'm sorry i'm essentially procrastinating on the answer i'm procrastinating on the answer

00:21:54 of yeah of coming of coming to you of my problem being procrastination and i'm not answering that

00:21:59 i don't like during my day i don't think about having a wife and kids at all like i just don't

00:22:06 hang on did i ask you if during the day do you think of can i just say yes or no yeah that's

00:22:15 the whole point that's efficient i just say yes okay okay okay it's just it's just answering what

00:22:21 about procrastination

00:22:22 i'm sorry it's what you're asking or you don't or you want to be alone you'll say oh you want

00:22:30 to be alone forever it's like okay but that's kind of that's leading because like i won't be alone

00:22:34 it's just that i might not have a wife and kids it's like i i i don't care about that if i really

00:22:39 cared about that then i would have pursued it so no like i i'm going to say no i'm probably not

00:22:46 going to have a wife and kids well of course you wouldn't have pursued it because you have

00:22:49 a problem with procrastination right so say well no no no i'm so decisive that i would have

00:22:58 pursued it if you say if you say oh no i if i wanted a wife and kids i'm so decisive i would

00:23:03 have just pursued it when you've told me that your biggest single issue is procrastination

00:23:07 i'm looking at your level of self-knowledge here right of course you wouldn't have just pursued it

00:23:11 because you have a huge problem with procrastination you want to defer to later and even in the reply

00:23:16 to me you say well the wife and kids would be nice in the future but not right now like now

00:23:21 i'm not ready now is not the time now is this right even though you've been an adult for 10

00:23:24 years right you've been an adult for a decade right so you're saying no no no wife and kids

00:23:30 yeah i'll put that off till later i i don't know like if you were if you were like crippled and

00:23:43 you were sick all the time like what are the you wouldn't give up i i i guess you wouldn't you

00:23:48 wouldn't give up on those things like i'm just weaker on that okay so tell me a little bit about

00:23:53 physical symptoms um which of course i massively sympathize with but tell me a little bit about

00:23:57 the development of the illness and what's going on uh it's uh spondyloarthropathy or

00:24:07 ankylosing spondylitis basically just like really bad arthritis um like that was like i was bed

00:24:13 bound at like 10 i had to wait a very long time to get medicine so that i could walk but then

00:24:21 there was this issue uh if i like it actually started because i i went on like a weight loss

00:24:29 kick when i was a kid and that somehow that kind of triggered my immune system it's like oh i lost

00:24:35 too much weight too quickly and then something that's genetically predetermined whatever kind

00:24:41 of like propped up uh the the pattern is from like like 15 onwards really for you know like a

00:24:50 condition kind of waxes and wanes and like you've got like the medicine works then i'll start losing

00:24:57 weight i'll start putting in effort and then it would just like the medicine would stop working

00:25:02 and i have to move to something else so you kind of got like you get your hopes up and then it's

00:25:08 like where you just get kind of like hit down again and again at the moment i don't have anything

00:25:13 other than uh prednisone uh to uh like to walk because there's nothing left so it's like yeah

00:25:22 like like can i make the best of like what i have at the moment it's like yes i yes i can but

00:25:30 like anything else is like like that'll be that'll be wonderful but you know like

00:25:37 do what you can do first and like don't don't be don't be too hard on yourself but like those

00:25:43 other things right okay and so at the moment you use a pegason i think that it's a anti-inflammatory

00:25:53 i'm not a doctor obviously is that a painkiller is that what you use to to so you can more easily

00:25:58 get around it's that it's steroid it's a it's a steroid it's you're not meant to be on it long

00:26:03 term and when you're on this and it's working how functional are you

00:26:09 it lets me well i don't need crutches but it's like it doesn't get rid of it's just like

00:26:19 inflammation and stuff is like too big like i can i can take a dog like i can take the dog for a walk

00:26:24 but it's it gets it allows me to like bend my knee and stuff and like put pressure on my feet

00:26:32 and it's i i don't know like i've like at least i'm on america like healthcare here it's not it's

00:26:41 not that bad of being able to like yeah like my my rheumatologist is good but i've like i've just

00:26:46 been through every medication since i was a kid so it's like okay like like whatever that's it like

00:26:53 on that front that's it it's like okay well you know as a kid i thought well it would be kind of

00:26:59 be would be that not not this is completely selfish but it would be better to be crippled

00:27:05 like in like a permanent way where you don't feel something like you're in a wheelchair i know that's

00:27:10 not it's that's a horrible shitty thing to say but it's no i get it like as opposed to you like

00:27:16 like you can you can at least like write something off and go okay now like there's no there's no

00:27:22 treatment and you can you have to deal with that and you like but when you have your kind of like

00:27:29 yo-yoing or you know what you know what it feels like to pick you have better days than others and

00:27:33 it's like well why can't they all be better days uh now it's just yeah like being able to sympathize

00:27:39 with like elderly like people like elderly neighbors of like oh yeah like i understand

00:27:44 your back pains of like yeah like we're all hobbling over and like we're all gonna walking

00:27:48 sticks right and how heavy were you in your mid-teens that you did this dieting and how much

00:27:57 did you lose i was 130 when i was 10 6 2 and i got down to 80 maybe 85 in a year but i that was

00:28:15 basically going nuts and like and being really like horrible to myself like not eating or eating

00:28:24 like diet jelly kind of a spartan bullshit and stuff like i like i and because i was doing a

00:28:33 school over there at the time and the workload wasn't that much i would just like spend like

00:28:39 i could spend like all day just like walking like around because the farm that were on at that point

00:28:44 was huge like just just walking like listening to audio books and stuff on my ipod like that's

00:28:50 that's in like it's in like the bush but there's like no one there so it's like there's no one

00:28:54 there's no one up it was that was before i was crippled and then like once i got down to my

00:29:00 goal weight it's like but once things started looking like holy crap like i can do i can do like

00:29:05 uh like a hundred setups it's like and just just feeling amazing and thinking okay like what like

00:29:10 where am i going like should i join the military or something or or anything it's like any physical

00:29:16 job before we get there i'm trying to trying to figure this out you said you were 130 at the age

00:29:21 of 10 does that mean pounds no no now i was big as a kid so sorry um 130 is that yeah oh that's

00:29:34 kilograms it's cute yes that's it's huge yes what the heck isn't a kilogram 2.2 pounds

00:29:42 yes so wait you were pushing 300 pounds at the age of 10

00:29:51 yeah how on earth did that happen i'm not blaming you i mean you were a kid i'm i'm just

00:30:01 i mean you have parents right you're not raised by wolves what happened

00:30:04 well like it's i i i can i can i can blame my parents for that but like i have i have agency

00:30:19 no no no no no no i'm not i'm not doing that no no hang on hang on i'm not i'm not doing that with

00:30:26 you of course you blame me of course you blame your parents they're in charge of your diet and

00:30:30 your environment and your health of course you blame your parents i mean who you can't give a

00:30:37 five-year-old or an eight-year-old full moral responsibility otherwise they'd be out there

00:30:41 signing contracts and driving cars it's your it's your parents job to to inform you about health to

00:30:50 keep healthy food around to encourage you to eat healthy to eat healthy themselves of course it's

00:30:55 your parents responsibility i mean who else would it be it's you can't blame kids for for these

00:31:00 decisions it's more that like if like whether it's it's it's not like they they didn't like me

00:31:14 or anything like i know it's more if you if you let a child become like that well you can't

00:31:18 like them as much as you could but it's like well if something wasn't done with like malevolent

00:31:26 intent it's like well if i if i'm raiding the fridge if i if i'm the one that's doing like

00:31:31 like whatever like when i was like a kid that wasn't it wasn't okay like your kid is depressed

00:31:37 they go to like therapy or something like that wasn't it wasn't a thing like there was no like

00:31:44 counseling yeah like but okay so what were you depressed about as a kid

00:31:52 i mean like not just being fat of just like not getting like along with people not having

00:32:03 like friends at school just like i don't know i i feel like it's normal stuff of like

00:32:10 no like didn't didn't grow up with my my real dad like maybe i was upset about that i didn't like my

00:32:15 stepdad a lot um like but i i like him now because i i i get him more as an adult and like there's a

00:32:23 level of respect there of of you know like as a kid like if you're like seven or eight and like

00:32:30 your stepdad's like calling you like dudley and stuff and like they make you finally good for

00:32:35 being fat it's like yeah like that's not it's not nice but then i someone just grows up with that's

00:32:41 normal that's banter or something then like there's no point like looking back and being resentful

00:32:47 of is that healthy like i don't feel like i just it doesn't feel like that's healthy to kind of

00:32:52 like look it's like if i was circumcised as a kid but my parents thought that it was a good thing

00:32:58 there's no point in being upset at them having done it if they thought i don't quite i don't

00:33:04 quite understand sorry i don't quite understand what you mean there's no point i mean you have

00:33:10 the emotions or you don't i don't like you just kill your emotions by saying well what's what's

00:33:15 your purpose show me your papers i need to know your project plan i mean you have the feelings

00:33:20 or you don't i mean if the feelings are there you have the feelings then you you deal with them but

00:33:25 i don't think that you would interrogate your feelings and say well if you don't lead to some

00:33:29 productive purpose you can't be here well yeah kind of i mean like if you if you say something

00:33:38 to me and well i mean for the things that you like you talked about like like yeah like i'm not as

00:33:44 set now but i was upset before but it's not like that was your intent so like i'm like it's i'm

00:33:48 sorry how how do you know that the matter of how do you know what people's intent is i don't quite

00:33:53 understand well it's not knowing what someone's intent is it's just that you're better off like

00:34:01 for your parents at least if you're assuming that like it wasn't malevolent like if you if you have

00:34:06 like every indication that it wasn't apart from okay like you're big but you're also the i get

00:34:13 that it's it's it's that thing that people like like you would i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm about this

00:34:19 but i'm sorry to interrupt but i i don't know what you're talking about is it not the case that

00:34:23 your parents let you get and i'm sorry if i've misunderstood something please correct me if i

00:34:27 go astray is it not the case that your parents let you get so fat that when you dieted it wrecked

00:34:35 your health like in a semi-permanent fashion am i am i wrong about that it's no that's not yes no

00:34:48 do i do i have i thought you said that the diet i know you're gearing up for another speech which

00:34:52 i really can't do so as far as i understood it you were almost 300 pounds when you were 10 years old

00:34:58 you dieted so savagely that you triggered some kind of autoimmune response is that right

00:35:02 that's the theory of well it's it's not if you have if your immune system fucks up you don't

00:35:12 necessarily know why it's just that that was the precursor of okay what's the biggest change in my

00:35:16 life it's going from a to b and like now i can't walk it's like well look i'm i assume that you've

00:35:22 looked at it i assume sorry i assume that you've looked this up i i don't know if dieting has

00:35:27 anything to do with autoimmune disorders i assume you've looked this up is there a theory out there

00:35:33 in the world that you know of that says that extreme dieting can lead to autoimmune disorders

00:35:40 yes okay so that seems to be the most promising someone that i know has ms because of it wow okay

00:35:49 so your parents allowed you or created an environment where you got so fat

00:35:57 that dieting might have permanently wrecked your health as far as this stuff goes right

00:36:05 yes do you think that parents don't know that a 300 pound 10 year old is unhealthy

00:36:12 i think if you yes of course they know that it's unhealthy it's just that if you're if you're a kid

00:36:22 and you're being fought every step of the way it's like yeah you can like you can put the hammer down

00:36:26 like you could well no you can't put the hammer down like if you're talking about like smacking

00:36:30 or something but like yeah it's that i guess it's that that parasitic kind of bargaining that

00:36:36 parents will do with their kids of like well if this if this shuts them up or stops them from

00:36:40 sucking it's like yeah like have a happy meal have a like this or that like irresponsible it was

00:36:44 irresponsible i i don't want to feel resentment to people that i like now the things in the past of

00:36:52 like i just i don't want to feel that like i don't want to like for all the things i can stew on

00:36:59 for the problems that i have like like adding like not liking my parents is not one of them

00:37:05 okay so if you have answers for your life so i'm not sure why we're calling right because i'm trying

00:37:13 to sort of give you an outside view and you're saying well i'm not going to do that and that's

00:37:17 fine look i you obviously it's your life you can do whatever you want or don't want but if you're

00:37:23 going to put so many rules on what we can talk about or the approach that we can take then i'm

00:37:28 not sure what value i can provide well what about no i i apologize then like if i'm sorry if you're

00:37:36 a tennis player if you're a tennis player hang on if you're a tennis player and i'm the coach

00:37:41 and i say you need to keep your eye on the ball and you need to stand this way and you say no i'm

00:37:46 not standing that way and i'm not keeping the eye my eye on the ball thank you very much okay but

00:37:51 that's fine and then you can play tennis the way you want to play tennis i'm just telling you that

00:37:54 as a coach and i'm fairly good at this kind of stuff uh this is kind of what you need to do

00:37:58 and if you say well i'm not going to do that that's what i need to do that's fine but then

00:38:05 then i don't know how to coach you i i called i called i called i called i called i i messaged

00:38:11 and called you because you were you're good at this stuff so if you're saying no no no no but

00:38:17 you're you're fighting me every single way you're fighting me with tangents you're fighting me with

00:38:21 abstractions you're fighting me with there's no purpose to this you're fighting me with i don't

00:38:24 want to feel this you're fighting with this i don't want to like dislike my parents who i now

00:38:28 like you're just you're fighting me on everything it's like your your immune system is now attacking

00:38:33 me not just you do you know what i mean i i'm i'm sorry the the issue that i have with what you said

00:38:42 is i i can't see mentally how it's productive to feel resentment towards my parents like i i get if

00:38:52 they if they were okay what did i say what did i hang on by no hang on let it be hang on what did

00:38:57 i say about emotions and productivity i'm not saying whether you agree with it or not but

00:39:00 you remember what i said you have to i've forgotten what you said specifically sorry

00:39:10 honestly this was like seven minutes ago so i'll repeat it but you really do have to find a way to

00:39:15 relax and listen and listen listening to me doesn't mean that you agree with me at all right you can

00:39:21 listen to me and say he's full of crap and i don't but i would appreciate being listened to

00:39:25 because otherwise my motivation to give you input kind of diminishes if you're really not listening

00:39:30 and again listening doesn't mean agreeing what i said was you either have the feelings or you don't

00:39:38 and so demanding that your feelings show you proof of product productivity in your life or

00:39:43 some sort of end goal that you approve of is just another way of rejecting your feelings

00:39:49 like let me give you an example so let's say i'm at some roadside diner i'm driving across

00:39:54 you know the country i'm at some roadside diner and i eat some fairly dicey sushi right and i'm

00:40:03 driving along and i get stabbing pains in my gut right i've got some kind of food poisoning now do

00:40:10 i just grip my teeth and tell my stomach to shut up and stop complaining because i'm never going

00:40:14 to eat there again we're just driving through so there's absolutely no point me having these

00:40:18 stabbing pains because that's all in the rear view and i'm never going to eat at that place

00:40:21 ever again so shut up and stop feeling nausea and pain if i had that relationship would that make

00:40:28 any sense no right so you have feelings i mean your your parents i mean from what i can see and

00:40:38 they they poisoned you with food and then your cure poisoned you further i mean a kid 300 pounds

00:40:44 is dying isn't he and and setting yourself up for lifelong health problems no matter what happens

00:40:55 yes it is it's just that like every you're right like it's just so feeling like like just sad

00:41:05 the pain is like oh okay like add something else to the list like you're right like i

00:41:09 like i'm like i'm not happy about the past but i can't change that like it's like to me it's like

00:41:15 okay well i have you don't like come on man but it's done come on no no no you got to stop

00:41:19 insulting both of our intelligence if you're going to spend time in our conversation in

00:41:24 informing me that you can't change the past i i don't even know how to have this conversation

00:41:28 honestly i'll be straight up with you man because saying i can't change the past is so obvious and

00:41:35 factual that saying it as some sort of thing in a conversation it's like it's like me saying well

00:41:40 you know clearly my friend i can't reverse gravity you understand that you you understand

00:41:45 that i can't reverse gravity it's like well of course but what on earth would your feelings

00:41:50 have your feelings are about the future not the past okay then i'm not used to dealing with my

00:41:57 emotions i know the way that is productive towards no no forget the productivity it doesn't matter

00:42:04 productivity is irrelevant to your emotions who are you to judge how your instincts that have

00:42:10 developed over hundreds of millions of years who are you to judge the productivity of your instincts

00:42:16 they are part of your personality you should listen to them you should not rule them they

00:42:20 should not rule you but they should have a seat at the table who are you in your conscious mind

00:42:25 who has problems with procrastination who are you to say to your feelings what they should and should

00:42:30 not be what they should and should not tell you whether they're appropriate inappropriate productive

00:42:34 or unproductive you have feelings listen to them accept them doesn't mean that they run your life

00:42:41 but you do not have the knowledge or the wisdom to say to your feelings and neither do i if it's

00:42:47 any consolation to say to your feelings thou shalt not be you have to prove to me your end goal and

00:42:53 your end plan before i'll let yourself i'll let myself feel a damn thing that's just cutting

00:42:59 yourself off from all of your instincts and all of your feelings and that's very bad for this is

00:43:05 really important information for you to have so how did you get all this weight on as a kid what

00:43:15 was in the house what were you eating uh did you grow up in a rural area as well and therefore

00:43:21 you couldn't even run down to the local sweet shop or tuck shop what was happening as a kid

00:43:26 that you got this obese um it was more just like um moving uh away from like my mom was single when

00:43:38 she was young and at that point like i was i was i was like real thin like i was i was i was

00:43:44 i don't know healthy but whatever like i was skinny i was a skinny kid and then um she met

00:43:50 my stepdad and we moved to because he was a farmer so we moved out to where he lived and

00:43:57 it's like okay well all my friends are gone uh from school and i met a new school and everyone's

00:44:03 you know you're the weird person there and i didn't get along i was kind of scared of

00:44:08 sorry why would you it was it was never like

00:44:15 i don't know like i'm like i don't know like i was i was just i'm not i don't know like maybe

00:44:21 i'm maybe i'm being narcissistic and doing that oh i'm so no no just don't please please don't

00:44:25 tell me another psychological i'm begging you why were you the weird kid just being the new

00:44:30 kid doesn't mean that i've been the new kid at a bunch of schools when i was a kid being the

00:44:35 new kid doesn't mean that you're the weird kid i'm just curious why were you that why were you

00:44:39 the weird kid the boss kind of class clown

00:44:46 but like i didn't but but also coming into a school where it's like you don't you don't

00:44:54 know anyone and everyone already has kind of like their their thing set up no i get that i get that

00:45:00 i've been in that situation a bunch of times too so why does that make you the weird kid

00:45:05 and i'm not criticizing i'm just curious

00:45:07 i i guess i just framed that as me being the weird kid like maybe i was fine maybe i was

00:45:16 maybe i was normal it just i felt like the i'm just telling you feelings i felt like

00:45:20 the odd one out but that's probably oh no now your feelings whatever now your feelings are

00:45:25 important right because you felt this all right so what was weird about you in your estimation

00:45:33 what was what was the weird part

00:45:40 i didn't get along with people my own age like i liked i preferred just talking about people

00:45:46 or talking to people that were older about things that were older

00:45:50 no but you did in your previous school right like i just

00:45:56 uh no it's more that i grew up with like like from like indy to like but the people that i

00:46:04 knew like at school so i well i knew those people so it's like you're but maybe maybe a weird but

00:46:10 it's not a negative it's like oh like i'm saying weird and i'm framing it as a positive i'm framing

00:46:14 it as a negative it's like but it's it's fine if it's like you're not boring like i wasn't i

00:46:19 certainly wasn't boring god no no nobody wants to be the weird kid come on man let's not start

00:46:24 redefining ourself into up is down and black is white so you had friends in your old school you

00:46:29 moved to the country with your stepdad and you can't make friends at the new school right

00:46:34 it's like the kids are pharmy kids it's like well like you've got town kids kind of rural but live

00:46:43 out kind of in the bestex kids of yeah they're just being like a disconnect there of like okay

00:46:48 well uh what are they doing on the weekend it's like well they're going they're going hunting

00:46:52 they're like pig trapping and stuff like that okay all that stuff's like completely like bizarre

00:46:57 to me and like kind of like yeah it's not my thing and sorry if you have an example if you

00:47:02 if you do i had it i have two sisters okay so did your parents attempt to get you to

00:47:12 fit in more to the social environment that they moved you to

00:47:19 uh like no like i do you mean oh no like the social outings for things like okay signing up

00:47:29 for tennis and things like doing doing extra you mean extracurricular stuff then like yeah they

00:47:33 they did what they could but it's like also the like being like grain farming and like being kind

00:47:41 of like in the desert it's like it's it's quite hard like for you got a kid out in the middle

00:47:46 of nowhere it's like well yeah i can't i can't just go over to my friend's house like i used to

00:47:51 before and just kind of run amok and ride bicycles all around town it's like well you're you're in

00:47:55 the middle of nowhere it's like 48 degrees it sucks and it's like yeah like just stay inside and

00:48:01 yeah like play video games and did your did your mother uh notice that you had lost your social

00:48:09 life uh now it's like like if i'm if i'm not causing too much it's like the bare minimum i

00:48:21 guess like if i'm if i'm not in trouble if i haven't got like a like a like a report written

00:48:26 up it's like okay so sorry is that just a no i'm doing that no okay so your mother didn't care

00:48:34 that you had lost your social life enough to do anything about it

00:48:37 if i was crying and tormented by it then she probably would have done something it's like

00:48:46 but i didn't do that so like oh so now it's your fault because you weren't trying to picked up on

00:48:52 law like you know it's the parents job right no i mean it's the parents job to know how their

00:48:57 children are doing it is but but it is but but but i i'm not i'm not a parent so i can't i can't

00:49:04 [ __ ] on a parent that like might not have done a perfect job it's like it that feels horrible

00:49:10 what do you mean

00:49:12 it it feels it feels horrible when you think okay well it's not someone let you down they let you

00:49:22 down but they didn't mean to say well they weren't paying attention they could have paid attention

00:49:26 maybe maybe they maybe they basically they're blind and they're stupid and they're arrogant

00:49:31 and stuff but they didn't like for my mom like were you saying well it for my stepdad it's a

00:49:36 bit different because it was a bit of like well you're not my kid you've got that kind of energy

00:49:40 there it's like but put that to whatever like for my mom no no you marry a woman you marry your

00:49:46 children no you marry a woman you marry your children having the option to say well you're

00:49:49 not my kid so i don't have to parent you that's abusive like that's not an option right i mean

00:49:54 it would be as crazy as saying well i'm gonna feed my kids not your kids right it's like you

00:49:59 married the woman she you knew he knew that your mom had kids and right so so yeah i mean that's

00:50:06 that's there's no excuse for your your stepfather either i mean it's the parent's job to know

00:50:11 if the children are unhappy and do what they can to fix it right we understand that right i mean

00:50:17 that that's not that's not massively complicated pairing parenting uh if you if you take your kid

00:50:24 out of the city and put him into the country where he can't see his friends you need to see

00:50:29 if he's happy and and work to try and give him a social life like that this is not really complicated

00:50:34 parenting does that make sense yeah it sounds wonderful

00:50:41 so what's wrong with saying that that was it was bad that wasn't done

00:50:51 there's i guess there's you you haven't said anything wrong there's nothing wrong with what

00:50:56 you're saying it's it's that it's right in a way that's really uncomfortable okay so i'm happy to

00:51:01 i'm sorry that you're uncomfortable i understand that but i'm certainly happy to hear about your

00:51:04 discomfort why why is that uncomfortable

00:51:07 because it just means that

00:51:16 yeah like i i made excuses for other people but i didn't have to i guess like it's like

00:51:23 treating myself like i have agency but i would never treat another kid that way of well like well

00:51:28 i like it comes to like it like i must be i must be better than other kids like i must have been

00:51:35 capable of more than other kids because like i wouldn't i wouldn't say that about any other kid

00:51:40 like i know i wouldn't so i don't know that that kind of feels like narcissistic of yeah like i i

00:51:48 should i i broke the damn of like that yeah absolutely following what you're saying if

00:51:53 you could break it down some more

00:52:01 talking about like agency for kids of like i

00:52:06 like it just wasn't an environment where like you discussed emotions you know like that like it's

00:52:14 like therapy like therapy was the like people that were insane uh like it's like yeah like it

00:52:20 like an attitude it's a bit like people who are like homophobic in the past and now like you hear

00:52:27 them now when like oh like they don't say a bad word at all it's like i know what you were like

00:52:31 before of yeah like things the culture has changed and like that's not an excuse for

00:52:38 like how i was treated it's just that just not used that's not something that i was expecting to

00:52:46 like try and unravel of like does that matter like don't need to go back to productivity it's like

00:52:53 okay just that's just the feelings like just on their arms like but like i'm sorry have you

00:52:57 listened to uh have you never sorry you've listened to call and shows before right

00:53:02 yeah like okay i mean are you aware that i talk about people's childhoods a lot

00:53:09 yeah like i i know i know you are but maybe i was just trying to i was hoping

00:53:20 my my head canon of yeah like that that wouldn't yeah like maybe that maybe that wasn't the issue

00:53:25 it's like oh like you'd say okay you don't need that it's like okay it's just this

00:53:28 this bullshit technical thing of yeah like do blah blah yeah like um like i was looking for like a

00:53:36 quick fix i guess like yeah of thinking okay like maybe maybe there is just like a sentence someone

00:53:43 can say that kind of like that fixes everything it's like okay well if it's not and it's some type

00:53:48 of like it's something more more challenging it's like okay like uphill battle like that's

00:53:53 that's that's like well that's what i call in for it's like i i have to deal with

00:54:00 if i have to deal with all these other if i have to deal with the feelings first and then

00:54:05 everything else comes after then that's that's good like it's just i don't know i'm just not

00:54:11 used to doing dealing with that it's like like you just like for the background that i was raising

00:54:15 you just shut the fuck up and you just do what needs to be done you don't say anything if you

00:54:21 like man up like you just you just just don't deal with it or you you you uh you cry in silence kind

00:54:27 of on your own so you're supposed to just have productive outcomes man up and get things done

00:54:34 right yes okay so why didn't sir so so that's the hang on sorry if that's the case that you just

00:54:45 supposed to man up get things done and do the right thing then how did you end up almost 300

00:54:50 pounds as a 10 year old right why didn't your father just it was your stepfather man up and

00:54:55 make sure you didn't get the damn food keep it out of the house and and get you out and walking

00:55:00 about and like if you're just supposed to deal with things and get things done and be productive

00:55:06 why didn't your parents do that with you when you were gaining such a huge amount of weight

00:55:15 because anything to do with me was not a priority

00:55:18 like well it's it's sisters or it's fun or it's themselves like well like it's kind of like that

00:55:29 but he can look after himself that will they clearly not so that's a theory the theory is

00:55:35 hang on the theory is that you can look after yourself but clearly you weren't looking after

00:55:41 yourself because you were becoming morbidly obese and half wider than you were tall

00:55:45 yes but it's like yeah that's that's that's true like there's there's nothing else to

00:55:57 say that like they yeah like then they they fucked up on that it's just like okay how long

00:56:03 did it how long did it take you like how long did it take you to go from being a skinny kid to

00:56:10 almost 300 pounds

00:56:11 i mean i four or five years maybe so for like uh the age of six at the age of any kid

00:56:28 around that but i was like quite i was very tall as a kid so like i know that's used to

00:56:37 like fat is fat like it's irrelevant it's just that yeah like i haven't i haven't grown much

00:56:42 like since then like the height wise okay you what you weren't over six feet when you were six right

00:56:48 what no i wasn't over six feet but i was six foot two like when i was like 10

00:56:55 okay you know that six foot two is in no way healthy at 300 pound right

00:57:04 no no it's it's no that's it it's like if i was if i was five foot at it's not filling out it's not

00:57:14 like i like oh he looked better because he kept it all kind of even it's like no i was just yeah

00:57:20 like it was mainly like being at home being sedentary and playing video games and kind of

00:57:28 like hiding away from like my stepdad of like okay like i don't want to get growled at for

00:57:33 not having done this or that or like just like yeah and then and then it's then obviously well

00:57:40 if you're fat then that's going to have a negative feedback loop of well you're insecure because

00:57:44 people like father for being fat and kind of fair enough if it's other kids like kids will

00:57:49 be kids will be horrible uh like well i don't want to deal with kids because we didn't deal

00:57:54 with family stuff but so your your stepfather would growl at you for being fat or swear at

00:57:59 you for being fat which obviously didn't help uh what did your mother say or do about you gaining

00:58:04 oh he makes fun of me to make fat okay but what did your mother do he never growled at me for

00:58:08 being fat oh he just made fun of you she would like yeah yeah no he never grabbed anything

00:58:16 it was like chores or like like it's kind of like

00:58:25 like trying to think of like what it's kind of like a very passive aggressive like he was it was

00:58:31 never it was never violent like my mother was was violent like she would like get angry like she'd

00:58:35 like smack or uh uh like use like a jug cord or something like that like when i was again

00:58:41 but then she said like what was it she didn't uh like a like the power cord for like a like a

00:58:49 ethyl sorry not a jug uh like oh like yeah like i'll get like smacked of yeah wait so she

00:58:58 beat you with electrical cords

00:59:00 not often but she beat you with electrical cords

00:59:16 i can your tone it does sound kind of silly of

00:59:19 honestly if if you had yes if you had a female friend whose boyfriend beat her with electrical

00:59:31 cords and you pointed at that out and she said well not often what would you say

00:59:34 i'd say you're [ __ ] evil

00:59:42 well the girlfriend is telling you the girlfriend is telling you maybe not maybe i wouldn't go back

00:59:46 no the boy the girl your friend of yours who's a girl a woman is telling you her boyfriend beats

00:59:52 her with electrical cords and you say well that's basically she he beats you with electrical cords

00:59:57 and she says well not often what would you say to the girl to the woman

01:00:00 sorry i'd say like you need to get out of there of like this guy's insane of like there's no no

01:00:08 no no but she would say no but his he doesn't have any bad intent he doesn't have any bad intention

01:00:14 you know he's he's not acting malevolently you know he's trying to help in his own way i guess

01:00:19 yeah it's but it's completely hypocritical on my part to treat myself differently from how i

01:00:30 do other people it's just see now you're just attacking yourself it's just great

01:00:35 no now you're just attacking yourself saying do you really think that the problem i have

01:00:40 with you being beaten with electrical cables when you were a child is that you're mildly

01:00:45 hypocritical about it as an adult do you really think that's my major moral issue

01:00:48 is the effect that these kinds of beatings have had on you as an adult

01:00:52 no it's it having having it said that way it sounds really stupid yeah

01:01:04 well it is it doesn't sound now you're just insulting yourself again right

01:01:07 now you've gone from hypocritical to sound stupid but if but if but how do i how do i be honest and

01:01:15 okay well how do i be honest without sounding like i'm being shitty to myself like yeah okay how about

01:01:22 you judge your mother for beating you with an electrical cable when you were a little boy

01:01:27 instead of how hypocritical or stupid sounding you might be

01:01:32 how about you judge your mother for beating you with an electrical cable when you were a helpless

01:01:37 independent child adly but like i said what what do i what do i do with that it's like

01:01:50 like at the time of course at the time i was upset by it at the time it's it's like

01:01:55 i do you think we're going to get a chance to connect emotionally at all here or you're just

01:02:00 going to keep jumping out of your body and analyze and abstract everything well what am i supposed to

01:02:05 do with this knowledge now you were beaten as a child by your mother repeatedly with an electrical

01:02:11 cable that's appalling that's all horrible that's immoral at the extreme

01:02:18 i'm so sorry that's terrible

01:02:30 that's terrible listen i have a daughter and the idea of anyone beating her

01:02:38 with an electrical cable makes me frankly murderous

01:02:41 and maybe the beatings had something to do with the eatings maybe you needed to put on a lot of

01:02:55 flesh to protect your skeleton from the beatings you needed padding

01:03:00 maybe the fact that your body was used to torture and punish you

01:03:09 meant that you tried to counteract the torture and punishment that your body was used for

01:03:14 by praising and rewarding your body with excess food

01:03:24 yes i know that if i say this then i know what it sounds like but if it's

01:03:32 if it was like reserved for like the worst thing like you talk from someone like i don't know for

01:03:39 you for anyone in the old days it's like okay like they were smacked and they said well it was good

01:03:45 that they were smacked of like that maybe that's cult maybe that's all bullshit and it was always

01:03:50 negative and it's never been a positive or it's never been neutral of just something that you

01:03:54 integrated and move past of like well you you suffer the same thing i do and you because you're

01:04:00 you you integrate it and you move forward but i don't and it kind of eats away at me it's like

01:04:05 well like what's the difference like is it just is it to me it's like well it it's just like the

01:04:11 narrative that you see it brother and this this this filibustering verbal nonsense has got to

01:04:19 stop in this conversation please it's so alienating and dissociating that we're talking about you being

01:04:27 beaten with electrical cables repeatedly as a child and you're just skating right over all of this

01:04:34 i don't know what the correct response is other than going no stop just was okay your your response

01:04:46 of abstracting and babbling is not the correct response it's a way to have yourself stop feeling

01:04:53 anything stop experiencing anything and maybe because of your illness you're still living at

01:05:00 home is that right i know i have my own place oh you have your own place okay maybe your mother

01:05:08 helped you a lot with your illness and maybe you feel some obligation maybe you feel there's some

01:05:11 disloyalty i don't know but you said to me emotions weren't processed in my house well

01:05:16 anger is an emotion rage is an emotion and that emotion was very much

01:05:21 acted on and practiced in your house because you were beaten as a kid with an electrical cable

01:05:29 so there were some emotions that were absolutely allowed in your house

01:05:40 what was your relationship like with your mother when you were a little just not

01:05:42 uh probably kind of like i don't know what the term is like the malevolent mother goose i guess

01:05:57 of well everything's great until it's not and then you're just like your father of that being

01:06:02 like the worst possible thing that you could be of a biological father of like yeah like

01:06:09 she'll she'll go and she'll she'll fight for you like but if you say like one thing then it's like

01:06:16 oh like you're basically not my mother like where's she gone you know like you were wonderful

01:06:23 before you're on my side before and i was on yours kind of like i don't know like like friends like

01:06:28 it was it was more like a like not friends if you get beaten i guess that like the relationship there

01:06:36 was like okay well i'd spend like my sister didn't get along well with my mom like i was

01:06:41 mom's single mother's boy i guess

01:06:45 sorry i thought you were abandoned to your own room to play video games and eats i'm sorry i'm

01:06:52 not i'm not accusing you of anything i just want to make sure i understand because i thought you

01:06:56 were kind of abandoned by your mother and now it sounds like she was kind of clingy

01:07:01 no no no you you were saying okay like yeah like i got i got smacked a lot when i was younger but i

01:07:08 didn't it wasn't sorry now i'm also confused i thought you said it wasn't too often now you

01:07:14 say you get smacked a lot i'm trying to figure these things out when i said that i got like

01:07:22 smacked by a jug cord i also said that that was reserved like the worst things that i could do

01:07:27 it wasn't like i was beaten like every day or like it was like i don't know like maybe like

01:07:32 once like you might get smacked like once every two weeks like it like i i i you would say that

01:07:38 that they would say that's too much like you'd say that's too much and say okay but like if i

01:07:42 was if i was feral or i broke something or this or that like like no like i didn't you deserved it

01:07:50 didn't talk back right so you're like you're like the abused wife it's not it's not you're like the

01:07:55 abused wife and she talked back or she didn't listen or the food was served cold and she just

01:08:00 deserved to get beaten is that your theory no well then i guess it's more like well if the

01:08:09 abused wife uh make sure that dinner is on the table uh at the right time and everything's perfect

01:08:16 then there's no problem it's like well if you say the if you don't say anything that pisses me off

01:08:21 we don't do anything that pisses me off then like we're fine so it that to me was framed as like

01:08:28 okay well like if i'm if i'm on a good side then it's a good day but you could say it's a bad day

01:08:33 that i'm in that position of well like i'm i'm kind of juggling that of but when you're a kid

01:08:38 you don't get to choose you don't get to choose that stuff of like when you say that you were

01:08:46 smacked every two weeks what do you mean like how open fist sorry open hands closed fist implement

01:08:53 like a electrical cable or what do you mean when you say you were smacked every day it'll be like

01:08:59 a wooden spoon like you get like the wooden spoon and get like a really hard smack it's like that

01:09:03 feel like the like uh like if we're in like a there was one time where we i broke the railing uh on a

01:09:11 in a hotel room and that was when i got blogged but that was when my mom was single and she was

01:09:17 at the end of her rope like for just like being stressed out or whatever there are other times

01:09:22 on the farm where that happened oh so it's okay it's okay to hit children that was rare it's it's

01:09:27 okay to hit children okay if you screwed up your life to the point where you can say well i'm

01:09:32 stressed like if if your girlfriend said well my boyfriend did beat me up but he was stressed he's

01:09:38 been stressed at work what would you say there's no excuse right it's it's it's no excuse whatsoever

01:09:46 but it's then why are you putting it forward like it's an excuse it's because it's easier to make

01:09:54 up stories i guess like to frame it as not as bad as it was okay we'll stop doing that because here

01:10:01 you know you said to me one of the most valuable things that i did in these calls was to call

01:10:06 people out on falsehoods right yeah like yeah and it's all valuable with other people but it's not

01:10:14 so valuable with you right because you want to keep minimizing and dodging and prevarication yeah right

01:10:19 when did the hits hitting stop

01:10:33 honestly when i became like like taller than them really like like like really like yeah it might

01:10:41 have been like around like nine or ten or something it's like yeah so when you hit your growth spurt

01:10:44 and you got taller okay so the reason why your mother hit you isn't for any other reason than

01:10:50 she was bigger because it stopped when she wasn't bigger right so it wasn't because she was stressed

01:10:56 and it wasn't because she was a single mother and it wasn't because there were money worries and it

01:11:00 wasn't because she was mad at your dad the only reason the only reason that your mother hit you

01:11:05 is because she was bigger than you which makes her a bully

01:11:08 there's no other reason otherwise or are you saying that your mother was never stressed

01:11:17 after you were nine or ten years old of course she was but she didn't hit you because you were

01:11:22 bigger than her well then it's like the fear of i don't know like being hit back but well that's

01:11:30 that's no right so he's able he's able to control her behavior you gotta hit someone because you're

01:11:34 afraid of yeah she's able she's perfectly able to control her violence when she's not bigger than you

01:11:40 when you might hit her back then she's like oh well we can't use violence now that you're big

01:11:47 and i'm never gonna hit you again so that means of course she had she had the complete choice to

01:11:54 never hit you she just chose to hit you when you were too small to fight back but the moment you

01:11:57 got big enough to fight back she stopped hitting you so she always could have stopped hitting you

01:12:03 she hit you because she chose to she hit you because she was bigger she hit you because

01:12:07 she could without fear of retribution and when her fear of retribution became too big oh look at that

01:12:14 she magically finds all of this self-control and ability to reason things out and no longer uses

01:12:19 violence anymore yeah yeah that's i i can't i can't i can't weave anything there of like yeah

01:12:32 like it so she was a child assaulting bully and you say it wasn't that often yes every

01:12:42 every two weeks you're getting hit right so over 10 years that's well over 200 assaults

01:12:48 it's over 250 assaults in fact 260 to be precise what do you think it's like for a child to be

01:13:04 assaulted 260 times or we can just say 200 maybe didn't happen but you were a baby i don't know

01:13:10 200 times have you ever been assaulted as an adult

01:13:14 now like still today what do you think it would be like as an adult if you were assaulted 200 times

01:13:26 in prison say feel very upset if something wasn't done about it

01:13:35 well we can assume after 200 times not much is being done about it

01:13:40 yeah one one would be too much but like sorry i can't kick up a thing you're away from the mic

01:13:50 sorry i'm sorry i said uh once would be enough as an adult for me to like kick up a stink and

01:13:57 get upset and actually do something about it okay but 200 times as a child you're defending people

01:14:03 and saying they didn't have any bad motivations or bad intent and nothing was really wrong and

01:14:07 it's just the way they were raised so you have nothing but excuses for child assaults but you'd

01:14:11 probably call the cops if it was an adult assault

01:14:13 no it's that i'm applying different standards to myself

01:14:23 oh so if it was another child being assaulted 200 times you would raise a stink about that right

01:14:29 but if i had it if i think i've had a time machine like would i like report my mother

01:14:42 if i was i don't know like i like you've got that i don't know like stockholm syndrome of like

01:14:51 like just stop please you know like you'd rather than not do it then like send them to prison

01:14:58 you know it's well that's forget about the practical outcome right now because i forget

01:15:04 about whether if you had a time machine but like but it was evil and outrageous and appalling and

01:15:11 immoral how you were treated now you say your father didn't do your stepfather didn't hit you

01:15:15 is that right he never hit me now and what happened to your biological dad he didn't need to

01:15:24 uh uh there was an issue uh with my like it came to a point like when we were young where

01:15:34 um because they lived in another country and then they moved to but they there was a very very messy

01:15:44 um they weren't even divorced for a long time like she kept the name and stuff and

01:15:51 it was nasty no i don't mean legally i mean what's happened to your sorry what

01:15:54 happened to your relationship with your biological father

01:15:56 oh um like i got in contact with him well when i was younger like a maybe like eight or nine

01:16:06 like we got back in contact um and then there were and there's there's just a disconnect there

01:16:12 of like well this person is very much he looks like me he looked like he's not my dad you know

01:16:19 like he is my dad it's just that like i don't i don't know him so there's yeah we just just dropped

01:16:26 off like and like oh like you get like the email at like christmas or birthday or something like

01:16:33 that but it's yeah like he he didn't he didn't put in like that much effort either like he could

01:16:38 have put he could have done more but okay so you don't really have much of a relationship with the

01:16:43 biological dad right no like i i genuinely like my stepdad more than my biological and your stepdad

01:16:53 knew that you were being beaten is that right he did and he wasn't happy with it but if he was

01:17:04 around it didn't happen well but he married and provided for a woman who beat her children right

01:17:13 yes but he came from oh now we're gonna get excuses for him so we can play this game again

01:17:26 like excuses oh yeah you know you're right no you're right no no no no you're right that's

01:17:30 that's exactly what i was about to start doing like yeah like you're right like he did he wasn't

01:17:36 happy with it and i don't know like he made that compromise i guess of like well like maybe not my

01:17:44 kid not my place or something uh well no i mean he's married to the woman he's taken on responsibility

01:17:53 legal responsibility for the children right so saying that it's not my deal it's not my business

01:18:02 it's not my responsibility it's not even remotely true of course it's his responsibility

01:18:06 no i just mean like if you grew up with a stepdad like i don't i don't know like you i don't i think

01:18:13 you you didn't even have a stepdad did you where there is just like a disconnect there of like

01:18:18 male on male disconnected like you're not like we just weren't the same it's like he was he was

01:18:25 outdoorsy he was very gruff farmer type and i was like indoor he's like a dog and i'm like a cat

01:18:31 like he's just we're just different people like completely i'm not had no in god anything oh my

01:18:37 god i feel like a cheese grater on your defense is here man i'm not talking about your fucking

01:18:43 personality differences i'm talking about the fact that he's was stood in a household married a woman

01:18:47 and knew that she beat her children with implements yes that reflects yeah fine that

01:18:55 reflects that of course that bad bad him it reflects poorly on him yes it does

01:19:00 okay so you want to know like i feel like i feel like i'm gonna drown in these defenses

01:19:12 so i'm gonna tell you why i'm talking about all of this stuff do you know why i'm talking about

01:19:16 your childhood and its relationship to procrastination problems or i'm sorry

01:19:26 oh no i i was i was waiting for you to continue like i said it's a source of

01:19:33 well clearly it's something that i'm not dealing with i didn't want to deal with that but that's

01:19:38 good because that's what i i came to you for so like you've so i'll tell you why

01:19:45 you procrastinate since you want you want the sensible stuff right you want the stuff that uh

01:19:50 is practical right

01:19:52 it's what i'd like but it might be not be what i need like for what you've you've gone through

01:20:01 right now oh no i can tell you yeah i can tell you why you procrastinate so procrastination is

01:20:07 another word for excuses we procrastinate and i do it too right so right we procrastinate

01:20:12 because we're giving ourselves excuses oh i don't really need to do this right now i'll get to it

01:20:17 later i can defer uh you know i deserve a break i've been working hard so we give ourself excuses

01:20:23 i don't know if that fits with your experience of procrastination at all yeah yeah okay so you

01:20:32 give your parents excuses and therefore you give yourself excuses your parents are not responsible

01:20:38 therefore you're not responsible your parents can't be held accountable there you thereby you

01:20:42 cannot hold yourself accountable that's why you procrastinate because you give all these excuses

01:20:47 to your parents that's why i'm asking about your childhood and focusing on holding your parents

01:20:54 accountable so you can hold yourself accountable you can't hold yourself more accountable than you

01:20:58 hold hold your parents if you give your parents excuses for beating children

01:21:03 of course you're going to give yourself excuses for whatever it is you want to do in your life

01:21:10 because nothing's more important than how you parent and if your parents get excuses for beating

01:21:15 their children there's no shortage of excuses you will ever get for any of your own behavior

01:21:19 that the issue that i have is that i've i've talked to them about it and i put my foot down

01:21:27 and said hey like but my stepdad what you said to me like when i was a kid like and making fun of

01:21:32 me and be like that i said that was horrible i also said to my mother like yeah like like you

01:21:36 smacked and that was horrible it's like well what like i've already done that kind of like oh like

01:21:41 you're not meek anymore like not knowing yeah like you you are just being a wet noodle and

01:21:47 bending over and just like letting people be shitty to you it's like like for me maybe maybe

01:21:53 it wasn't right and maybe it wasn't enough of like for me standing up myself on that front was

01:21:59 at the very least pointing out that like that was bad but then maybe pretending to move on from it

01:22:05 of if you're saying that well well you're right like if i make what was there everyone else why

01:22:09 the hell have you have you ever heard of me talking about what is needed for restitution

01:22:17 when you've really wronged someone like like just sincerity like it everything seemed sincere

01:22:29 like i didn't have any reason to assume that they weren't sincere about it

01:22:34 it's not like sorry since you're about what i didn't think.

01:22:37 Like sincere about feeling like they had actually done me wrong.

01:22:43 Sorry so they said with sincerity that they had done you wrong.

01:22:48 Yes as an adult of like coming up to my again like this was terrible that was terrible and not having

01:22:58 like for being being depressed as a kid it's like well like like why didn't i go to counseling or

01:23:03 something say well yeah we fucked up there it's like well it's all well and good it's like but

01:23:06 like that's like why not like i was like asking and then everyone gets uncomfortable so why why

01:23:14 are you bringing that up at the table it's like if someone's you know someone's being like like

01:23:19 mom or my stepdad or like being like if i go to their place and it's like being shitty about like

01:23:26 something i did as a kid of like oh that was embarrassing it's like well whatever it's pulling

01:23:30 on you they don't me like but i've i have like i don't know what else to do like if but like if i

01:23:39 make excuses for other people why why the hell am i not why why wouldn't i have trouble like not

01:23:45 making endless excuses for myself it's like well if you yeah like if you if you are the failure or

01:23:52 if you are this or that then yeah like it's it's it's easy to kind of just defer to other people

01:23:58 and like pretend that they're not shit of sorry i don't know i'm lost in fogland i have no idea

01:24:05 i have no idea really what you're saying at the moment so how long ago was it that you confronted

01:24:10 your parents on what they did wrong oh like like probably like my early 20s like 21 22 of like

01:24:21 like it but it wasn't like i said like sit down at the table we need to talk about this it was

01:24:25 just like in a like conversation of like oh like everyone's kind of like having a joke and like

01:24:31 having a laugh at my expense it's like well like no like i'm sure like swear words were kind of

01:24:37 passed across but it was also okay like why does my sister like get an excuse for having bpd but

01:24:45 i'm just a piece of shit that should know better you know i'm sorry can you say that like again

01:24:49 by what do you mean that i said if my if my sister uh has like bpd as an excuse for being

01:24:57 horrible but i'm but if i do the same thing i'm just a piece of shit and i should know better

01:25:02 it's like well like who has agency and who doesn't it's like i was treated as a kid as having more

01:25:08 agency like i had no agency as a kid of like well like this reflects paul like no reflects paulian

01:25:15 but yeah like so your sister is uh yeah your sister is sorry at least one of your

01:25:20 sisters is kind of messed up too yes and when you pointed out that there were deficiencies

01:25:31 in the parenting your parents said yeah i guess we fucked up and they just kind of moved on is

01:25:35 that right like they they seem embarrassed but it's a bit like okay well like like how would

01:25:44 they make it up to you of like apart from like well no they just keep asking no they keep asking

01:25:50 you they keep asking you how things have affected you they they try to find out how things have

01:25:55 affected you they i mean when you were losing that much weight you were living at home right i mean

01:26:01 you were 15 or so yeah okay so you're crashing oh no wait right you went from

01:26:11 130 did you say down to 80 or 50 i can't remember sorry for not remembering these

01:26:16 85 no no no 85 no fair enough 85 okay so you went from 120 to here it was like here in a bit and

01:26:26 yeah okay so you were losing weight at extremely rapid play pace right

01:26:30 yes but it was because i was like outside and doing lots of exercise

01:26:38 i thought you said that you restricted your food sorry please let me finish my sentence i thought

01:26:44 you said that you restricted your food to the point where you were eating these kinds of

01:26:48 aspartame and jellies and do i did i get that wrong i was doing but i no no i i i said as well

01:26:55 that like we because we lived on a farm i would just go for walks all day like i i did both i

01:27:01 dieted and i did i i couldn't run at that weight uh for like my joints it's like like running sucks

01:27:08 so i would just walk and i would just walk yeah it's like okay like today i did like 40 kilometers

01:27:13 it's like okay like and they thought wait you would have had of it sorry my room you would tell

01:27:17 you would be morbidly obese and you would walk 40 kilometers

01:27:22 yes okay so let me just i'm just so 220 you went from 220 down to 85 right

01:27:34 what no that's that you're doing it in pounds sorry 120 my apologies i got that sorry 120

01:27:40 i was doing it in my head sorry same time as i was doing it on the screen

01:27:43 okay so you went from 130 down to 85 is that right

01:27:48 okay and it's 2.2 so it was one that 130 okay uh and i'm just going to i'm sorry to just

01:28:01 i i'm a i grew up on metric i grew up on imperial so i still can't do metric very well my my

01:28:07 apologies okay so let's see here uh kg to lbs so you lost 77 pounds as a kid yeah so it's 2.2

01:28:17 okay so you lost 35 kilograms you lost 77 pounds is that right

01:28:31 i don't know i don't recalculate no that's fine but you went you you already take 85

01:28:36 45 45 pounds so sorry yeah 45 pounds okay so 45 kilos kilos uh 45 kilos right so 2.2

01:28:46 so you you lost almost 199 pounds we just rounded up so you lost 100 pounds

01:28:52 as a kid in a year and a half right

01:28:54 yeah but it was but it was a positive like i had at the time no no no no please i didn't i'm not

01:29:04 asking for excuses or clarifications so i'm not asking for any of that now that's a huge amount

01:29:10 of weight loss in a short amount of time i'm i'm no expert but that seems like a lot right

01:29:17 yes now um did you tell your parents i'm going to go on an extreme diet and exercise program

01:29:25 or did you just do it on your own

01:29:26 i just did it i wanted to get fit so that i could leave okay now

01:29:36 your parents noticed you obviously losing weight right

01:29:44 yeah okay so did they take you to a doctor to make sure that you lost weight in a healthy manner

01:29:51 no why not didn't you get annual checkups happy that i was you

01:29:58 well if i was ever talked to like by a doctor it was like you're too big

01:30:05 so if i'm losing weight then that sprain was a positive no not always because i know

01:30:11 hang on i know i know what you're saying of course of course

01:30:14 i mean didn't it produce potentially the autoimmune issue that you're still dealing with

01:30:19 13 years later yes but that's not something that anyone would have predicted of like that being

01:30:28 very rare to happen like if you're if you're overweight if someone says okay well like i'm

01:30:34 i'm on a weight loss kick but yeah like you don't want someone starving themselves and not

01:30:39 eating right and doing but as opposed to the opposite of where you're like my 600 pound life

01:30:43 it's okay this person is going in the opposite direction it's like well like when they get to

01:30:48 65 kilograms like then we kind of like intervene i guess it was well if you're not if you're not

01:30:54 getting bigger then that's a positive and certainly if i was framing it while i was i was happy while

01:30:59 i was doing it it's like well i'm happy just doing my thing and like i'm like i because i said i was

01:31:05 doing school of the air so the school workload wasn't that hard it's like well like oh he's

01:31:10 going out but you you lost hang on but you lost fresh air you lost almost a third of your body

01:31:16 mass in 18 months but that was that was a positive to me like and it was no no sorry

01:31:25 oh my god will you please just listen and stop every time i say something you come up with

01:31:32 another excuse or a justification or a speech every time i say something i like i feel like

01:31:38 i'm fighting against this wind full of daggers every time i open my mouth you come up with some

01:31:44 excuse some pushback or some explanation or some abstraction it's impossible to talk

01:31:50 i'm so i'm sorry i'm i don't i don't want to cool your jets a little bit let me talk

01:32:01 please you called me so i could talk right i've listened have i listened yes okay you have yep

01:32:09 so i'm no expert of course but my understanding is that weight loss is tricky for the body

01:32:15 women can lose their periods boys can lose muscle mass they can lose bone mass

01:32:22 they can have malnutrition they can have severe problems

01:32:27 and a third of your body weight in 18 months sounds to me again as an amateur kind of extreme

01:32:36 you need to monitor your blood you need to monitor your glucose you need to

01:32:41 body monitor your body fat percentage you need to make sure you're not doing any damage to your heart

01:32:45 and you need to lose weight and then you need to plateau for a while and then you need to

01:32:52 lose a little bit more weight like it i mean did you did you read a bunch of books or how

01:32:56 did you come up with your weight loss program i was i was a kid like i did my weight loss program

01:33:04 was just don't eat stuff and walk lots like it wasn't well thought out like i like the strategy

01:33:10 yeah it was just like exercise oh and we we fit came out at the time as okay well i'll just like

01:33:14 do we fit like at night like right before i go to bed it's okay like i'm a man it sounds it sounds

01:33:19 like you're smiling like a nurse oh no well it's kind of like you say well like don't you want you

01:33:27 understand that like that's not healthy of course i do in hindsight it's just at the time it's like

01:33:31 well if you're fat and you're going from being fat to not being fat it's like well that's better

01:33:36 than getting fatter like that like it's dumb it's it's no no come on i'm not gonna go with these two

01:33:42 extremes hang on i'm not gonna go with these two extremes thing that the only option is extreme

01:33:47 weight loss or extreme even more morbid obesity right no i'm not of course i'm not saying that

01:33:55 it's the only that was i'm telling you what i did i'm not saying that it was smart i'm just

01:34:01 telling that was how i interpreted it that's that's how i saw things at the time the way that

01:34:05 i saw as a kid with dumb kid you said that kids don't have agency like okay well if i was a kid

01:34:10 and i made that choice like oh well i'll just do this and i'm not going to think it through like

01:34:15 yeah that reflects poorly on everyone around me who was like okay well you've lost weight and it's

01:34:20 good that you're losing weight it's not like they didn't say hey like maybe you're going a little

01:34:24 bit too far but they were no they get you to it they get you to a doctor hang on what a rat

01:34:29 they get you to a doctor they get you to a dietician they make sure you're doing it in

01:34:32 a way that doesn't produce i don't know an autoimmune disorder like that like that wasn't

01:34:41 known of like okay like well if you have issues like even even when i was young for the thing that

01:34:48 you're talking about of like women like exercising a lot and they're like they'll lose their periods

01:34:52 no dieting even dieting and things like that stuff was or dieting but like that stuff correct me if

01:34:59 i'm wrong but i don't think that stuff was like well known in like the like two thousands of that

01:35:04 being a like women can go in the military and kind of everything's fine and then i thought oh hang on

01:35:09 that they go through like all the training are you saying that the doctors and nutritionists had no

01:35:13 idea that a 10 year old who's 300 pounds just stopping eating stuff and exercising while also

01:35:22 going through puberty over the course of this maybe i don't know when your puberty hit or

01:35:26 whatever you don't think that a doctor or a nutritionist might have any concerns about

01:35:32 crash dieting from a 10 year old who's 300 pounds of course they would it's just that i wasn't a

01:35:41 doctor looking at a 10 year old who's doing his own thing like i was the doctor you are you are

01:35:46 one of the tell you hang on you are one of the toughest callers i've ever had i'll tell you this

01:35:51 man i'm trying not to get annoyed because i know that this is just provocative but you you're

01:35:56 actually you're informing me you're you're laughterly informingly that informing me that

01:36:00 at 10 years of age you weren't in fact a doctor that's what you're telling me this is that that's

01:36:05 the contribution you're having to this conversation did you did you think i thought you were a doctor

01:36:13 do you think that i'm expecting you at 10 to know everything about nutrition what am i talking about

01:36:20 when it comes to your parents having some responsibility you're talking about my parents

01:36:24 you took of course i am yeah why didn't i actually yeah yes yes it's all comes back to

01:36:30 parents i don't want to come back to it does it's like yeah it's like yes it's

01:36:35 like at that time they were they were we've already we've already established that okay

01:36:42 well if they they screwed up in one dimension it's like well they screwed up in another

01:36:46 it's like but that it's not like doesn't matter it's like okay well like you you hit a kid and

01:36:52 then but you don't know what it does like you don't have an excuse for that you don't yeah

01:36:57 they weren't paying attention it's like they they just saw kind of like they just saw everything on

01:37:02 a surface level of okay well he's happier and he's not moping and like yeah like disengaged

01:37:10 but it's like whatever like he's not he's not getting fatter that that's that's then that's

01:37:15 so the fact is fact is brother you've never held your parents to account

01:37:19 never you've made a couple of comments in passing close to 10 years ago

01:37:27 they've never acknowledged responsibility they've never apologized in any important way they've

01:37:32 never been curious about your experience they've never made any restitution and they've never

01:37:36 figured out a way to ensure that they'll never harm you again for having been crippled okay well

01:37:45 then maybe this isn't the thing that like hasn't come up yet it's like okay well then it's like

01:37:51 the munchausen's i guess of well like when i was sick like they were there it's like they didn't

01:37:58 like lead me to the wolves like i know that's the bare minimum like like bare minimum although okay

01:38:03 like i'm i'm miserable and i'm sore it's like well they they they never it's like i didn't have

01:38:10 anyone else it's like if you don't have anyone else it's like you don't you don't not like the

01:38:15 the shitty people that you're with sometimes okay like they're shitty but in this area like

01:38:21 they're looking after me like as a kid it's like you have nothing you have no one else

01:38:25 it's not an excuse anything that's that's what i said maybe they were nice to you when you

01:38:33 maybe they were nice to you when you got sick yeah my mother my mother was nice to me when i

01:38:36 was sick so i because you're not a threat and you're not uh provoking them and and so on there's

01:38:42 maybe some sort of softer side that emerges so i get that so then rather than talking to me all

01:38:48 this bullshit about motivations and this and how they were raised and the standards of the time to

01:38:52 say i didn't want to criticize them because i needed them to help me with my illness

01:38:55 like you're giving me all this other crap which is just nonsense i mean the fact is that you felt

01:39:03 you couldn't criticize them you needed them to help you with your illness which is something i

01:39:07 said like 45 minutes ago oh hey no no no i i disagree with that like very strongly i i i didn't

01:39:15 like it wasn't it wasn't selfish on my part of thinking oh well i'm not going to criticize him

01:39:19 because well i just need handouts it was oh like i'm at the point where like i want to kill myself

01:39:25 the pain and the reason that i don't is because i don't want them to suffer i don't want them to be

01:39:31 upset and like wreck my family of okay well like yeah like your your contribution in life is that

01:39:37 you're the kid that killed himself it's like if like i i do like people can be horrible to you and

01:39:45 you can still love them like it's again i'm so help me help me understand and i'm sorry for the

01:39:52 title thoughts you understand that you're bringing this in late in the game right like when i really

01:39:58 when i really start to talk about criticizing your parents you start to talk about your suicidal

01:40:03 tendencies when you were younger right which is another way of distracting me from your parents

01:40:08 by the way being crippled no no no no hey hang on a minute i got sick and the sickness crippled me

01:40:16 and it crippled me with pain we didn't even get the whole time we've been talking about everything

01:40:21 leading up to that i wasn't suicidal before but when i had thoughts of okay well if my life is

01:40:27 just pain and misery i saw that as a positive okay if my life is just pain and misery and i could

01:40:32 just kill myself why don't i it's like well i don't want to because i don't want to upset the

01:40:37 people around me that i care about right but when i'm i understand all of that if that kept me alive

01:40:43 i understand all of that and i said that i said that exactly back to you right but what i'm

01:40:50 pointing out is that when we talk about zeroing in on some of your parents immorality you bring

01:40:57 up your suicidality which you hadn't done for the last two hours right so it's a way of distracting

01:41:05 actually got away at being crippled i'm sorry we haven't actually got to the point where i was

01:41:13 crippled well i know i know but hang on hang on yeah that was the hang on one of the first things

01:41:19 i asked you about was to tell me about the history of your illness and how it is now so we had

01:41:25 actually talked about the history of your illness and how it started we did all of that

01:41:28 so saying that we hadn't got to the uh the ideology of my illness is not a true statement

01:41:35 because that's one of the things i started out with i'm not blaming you obviously i'm just saying

01:41:39 that to say that we hadn't talked about it is not true as a kid like thinking okay i had a condition

01:41:50 it was way worse in the past than it is now like i'm not i'm not i'm not bedridden like i was like

01:41:56 paralyzed as a kid of like okay like my jaw to my toes we didn't we didn't go into that because i

01:42:02 was thinking okay well hopefully fingers crossed like all of that stuff isn't entirely relevant

01:42:07 that well clearly that's not true but like yeah like what's like oh like you have like the lowest

01:42:14 point like you don't i didn't see it as like necessary to bring it up except in the context

01:42:20 of like hold on a minute like like to to hit back like i was well you could you could say well let's

01:42:26 cope on my part but like yeah i did feel like quite angry when you said like oh well like it's

01:42:32 like your motivation for uh like like you had selfish motivations for staying with your parents

01:42:38 because i don't know no i i did not use the words i did not use the word selfish it was

01:42:44 i didn't i did not use the word selfish now if you interpret it that way you can you can just

01:42:48 have a conversation with yourself and you can call me back when you're done but i didn't did i say

01:42:51 selfish

01:42:53 it sounded like something well i must well i'm wrong it's not not my head so like i i missed

01:43:02 i was angry and i misheard that i don't know what misheard means i mean i don't know what it means

01:43:11 or it means you made something up no it means it no it means wrong well no but misheard is like

01:43:19 i said the word uh doubtful and you thought i said mrs doubtfire like that could be a myth but

01:43:24 i didn't say shellfish and you misheard selfish right you just made up a word and you're responding

01:43:30 to the word not me no okay what what did can you i apologize but could you repeat what you said

01:43:39 before what i said was that yeah yeah i said your parents were helpful to you when you were unwell

01:43:46 and so you're unwilling or or you don't have a desire to criticize them because they were

01:43:53 helpful to you or very helpful to you when you were unwell

01:43:55 if that's what you said but that's 100 true yeah so i'm not sure what we're fighting about

01:44:08 well i don't know what the uh you started right so i don't know what we're fighting about

01:44:13 yeah i am yeah yeah okay well i'll i'll assume that like i i'm wrong like not misheard that

01:44:21 i'm just wrong it just said yeah i thought that the way that you said something it sounded

01:44:26 yeah like that my first thought was like my own self-interest where like no it's like oh like

01:44:33 the thing that helped me was thinking about other people of like what reason do i have it's like

01:44:39 well like don't do harm to other people or don't make things worse for other people and yeah okay

01:44:46 so we've got the principle of my stepdad we've got the principle called don't do harm to other

01:44:51 people right that's that's the principle that's important to you right and your parents obviously

01:45:02 your parents did harm to you by having food in the house and not monitoring your eating or not

01:45:09 helping you deal with your problems and letting you be 300 pounds or so at the age of 10 right

01:45:15 so they did harm to you your mother did harm to you by beating you hundreds of times with

01:45:23 implements of wooden spoons electrical cables and so on and your stepfather did harm to you by

01:45:30 mocking you and and so on when you were gaining weight and not asking what was going on or how

01:45:35 he could help your biological father abandoned you abandoned the family and then was an indifferent

01:45:43 person to be around when you got older and you said you got back in touch with him about the

01:45:47 age of nine or so so a lot of people did you a lot of harm and i i deeply sympathize with that

01:45:54 also of course after you gained all of the weight then losing a third of your body weight without

01:46:02 any medical supervision whatsoever to me seems as an as an absolute amateur it seems quite dangerous

01:46:09 yes it it is it it was it's just i didn't i didn't that's on your parents that's on your

01:46:20 parents this much weight exposing you that's on your parents exposing you to massive dangers

01:46:25 in terms of the weight gain and the weight loss right in the first place i'm sorry yes i wouldn't

01:46:36 have been in that position if i hadn't been big in the first place well yeah if they hadn't

01:46:39 allowed you to be overweight i mean nobody looks at a fat cat and says the cat's just greedy and

01:46:46 the owner is innocent right yeah okay so you have been very hard done by and i really sympathize

01:46:58 with that that i really really sympathize with the excuses and the defenses is what we're talking about

01:47:05 now

01:47:12 here's a big ish question

01:47:16 you said that people can be horrible to you and you can still love them

01:47:23 now my definition of love is it's our involuntary response to virtue if we're virtuous now if you

01:47:30 were listening to this and you weren't you and you heard about parents the mother chose a man

01:47:37 who abandoned the family or drove the man away or both she takes her kid out into the country takes

01:47:44 her kids out into the country away from all their friends and never tries to figure out how to

01:47:48 effectively have them a social life the kid gains a hundred pounds over a couple of years and ends

01:47:54 up 300 pounds at the age of 10 and then goes on a crash diet without medical supervision she beats

01:48:00 him twice a month or more and nobody intervenes to help him nobody intervenes when he's depressed

01:48:10 nobody intervenes when he's distracting and dissociating himself with video games or i don't

01:48:15 know pornographic materials you may have found on the internet um oh i guess you said the internet

01:48:20 was bad out there so maybe you were spared from that yeah it's quite lucky lucky yeah yeah okay

01:48:26 so if you were to hear about other parents not your parents if you were to hear this story

01:48:31 from a third perspective from a third person perspective

01:48:35 these are other parents not yours other parents who ignore overfeed beat neglect

01:48:45 mock their children all the hits yeah yeah all the hits indeed

01:48:55 would you say that these were parents who were lovable

01:48:59 would you say that the child should love the parents

01:49:07 i would understand if they did but i would like i i probably like try and take a similar position to

01:49:20 you of like i i like just being me being weak then i guess of like if i was that kid no stop

01:49:29 insulting yourself i would stop it stop insulting yourself stop it every time i talk about your

01:49:37 parents you attack yourself stop it i won't put up with it i won't be on this conversation if

01:49:44 you insult yourself i will hang up on you because i won't support that

01:49:48 you won't do it yes like the parent yeah like like i i would say those parents were terrible

01:49:57 and yet the child the adult child of these parents

01:50:04 who it may be the case has a lifelong physical painful disability that is half wrecked his life

01:50:13 perhaps partly as a result of the parents overfeeding and

01:50:16 not getting medical intervention for a rapid diet in a child

01:50:21 and the child says as an adult well people can be terrible to you

01:50:30 and you love them

01:50:39 that is the definition of bonding with the abuser if a woman said my husband beats me

01:50:48 starves me overfeeds me ignores me neglects me mocks me attacks me undermines me and i love him

01:50:57 would you take that as a robust statement of health

01:51:06 now you'd you'd recommend counseling of some kind or well like a protective shelter first maybe

01:51:14 and then everything after that and he also has never really apologized and never will

01:51:30 and then that person that wife who has who loves and bonds with the people who abused her

01:51:36 that wife says you know my biggest problem is procrastination

01:51:40 yeah okay

01:51:45 it's kind of petty well it's a small shadow cast by a large monster

01:51:58 it's like the shadow from one of the claws of the giant monster

01:52:01 if you meet a woman and you know maybe you meet a woman who's got i don't know lupus or some

01:52:11 similar ailment that you have and you'd have that in common right there's no reason why that

01:52:16 couldn't happen say oh well you know but i'm not a great partner well you know you would have someone

01:52:21 to go through life with where you would share the struggles and that could be a great and beautiful

01:52:24 thing there's nothing wrong with that at all it's a good thing so you would meet this woman

01:52:28 and she let's say she's a good strong moral intelligent woman cares about you

01:52:37 and then you say oh yeah here are my parents they're going to be around us for the rest of

01:52:44 their lives and they're going to help raise their kids and yeah these are the people you're going to

01:52:48 be spending the next 30 years with what would the strong virtuous intelligent woman who really cares

01:52:55 about you think of that they wouldn't approve that it's i don't know like but if i if i said

01:53:11 like with my hand on my heart that like they're wonderful to everyone else about being a thing

01:53:19 like would you believe me like for a second of course i believe you like oh it's called

01:53:24 camouflage it's incredibly common it's almost it's almost the the cliche my mother was wonderful to

01:53:30 people outside of the family yeah she was very funny she was very warm uh yeah yeah it's camouflage

01:53:36 i get that i mean go go look at the history of jimmy saville one of the most popular men

01:53:41 in england who was a brutal raper of ill children oh yeah being nice is a very common defense

01:53:52 or you go to a woman who cares about you or it could be a male friend who cares about you and

01:54:04 you say these are the unapologetic parents who abused me as a child they've never apologized

01:54:12 they've never made restitution they don't even really admit that what they did was wrong

01:54:15 they did me incredible harm and i love them

01:54:19 or you're not more it's not more like you're you're right like it is what you're saying it's

01:54:32 just oh let's say you care you care about a woman rationalized no it's not rational it's not cold at

01:54:38 all it's very passionate so you care about a woman you love her she's wonderful and her family

01:54:45 mistreated her horribly in the past and continues to mistreat her horribly in the present

01:54:51 by not allowing her to talk about what happened in the past see the abuse doesn't end while you

01:54:59 are still silenced do you follow if you can't talk about what happened to you the abuse is not over

01:55:07 if you're still sworn to secrecy and punished for honesty the abuse is not over

01:55:19 and in some ways the cover-up is worse than the crime because the cover-up is now because you

01:55:26 said well i don't have a time machine i'm not talking about the past i'm talking about the

01:55:30 present right now you cannot talk to your parents and be listened to about what happened to you

01:55:38 as a child and whether you like it or not you are angry of course because you're a human being

01:55:44 who was cruelly mistreated as a child and as an adult still now for the sake of their fragile

01:55:52 egos you can't tell the truth and you participate in that deal okay fine i'll shut the fuck up

01:55:58 i touched on it eight years ago but i'll shut up i won't talk about it anymore it's okay i'll shut

01:56:05 up about it you you think that this is about the past this is something that's happening right now

01:56:10 right now you can't be honest so

01:56:17 so like what is it then for like is it like corrosive stoicism of like it's it's like fake

01:56:26 stoicism it's like are you're are you gonna get real abstract on me again because i don't know

01:56:30 if i can take any more of this weird abstraction i know can you tell can you tell the truth to

01:56:36 your parents can you be honest with your parents i can tell them that yeah like i mean i'm but

01:56:44 what good does it do like when you're in the position that you're in now it's like okay like

01:56:49 you're kind of post-rec and it's like yeah like is it better to just kind of maybe maybe not if i if

01:56:58 i if i come to you with x issue when you're saying well look at issues a b and c that you haven't

01:57:03 dealt with that's the actual cause of it it's like but it's like what are the like actionable steps

01:57:10 of okay you've got you've got feelings you're annoyed and they and you spin that in a whole

01:57:17 bunch of ways that make you just yeah i'm sorry i just i find myself really spacing out with these

01:57:22 defenses so you're saying what is the purpose and value of being honest with the people around you

01:57:29 is that really what you're asking me what what is the purpose what is the goal

01:57:33 of being honest with people i claim to care about

01:57:39 no it's like if i've already said that no but it hasn't been listened to it hasn't been

01:57:44 acknowledged and the conversation that encompasses the first 20 years of your life

01:57:48 doesn't get dealt with in one flyby abstract conversation eight years ago

01:57:53 okay so the reason why you're honest about the reason you're honest with your parents

01:57:58 is to to tell yourself that your childhood is over because you couldn't be honest with

01:58:04 your parents when you were a kid because they were dependent you were dependent upon them

01:58:07 and they were very aggressive and you could get beaten with yet more wooden spoons and electrical

01:58:12 cables so the reason you're honest with your parents is you're signaling to your mind that

01:58:16 you're all grown up and you're free and you no longer have to go with this weird blood libel

01:58:21 or murder silence about the abuses that happened within your family the reason you're honest is

01:58:26 because you're an adult and people should not terrorize you into silence when you're an adult

01:58:32 that's how you know you are an adult as you can speak your mind and if people don't like it

01:58:38 well that's too bad you're still going to speak the truth right

01:58:40 that there's a real purpose to it

01:58:44 so in terms of like from what you talked about in the past about okay well if people are toxic

01:58:52 and you're like you just cut them out uh or something if someone was toxic in your life

01:58:57 that they're just they're just a thing now if they're not they're not they're just there

01:59:04 they're just a reminder of negative things it's like do you okay i don't know i don't know what

01:59:09 any of this means i'm sorry i'm i'm really bored of these abstractions i apologize for being so

01:59:13 direct but you going off on these waffle burger philosophical treatises doesn't deal with anything

01:59:18 that's actually happening in your life at the moment if you don't know forget people this

01:59:22 people that are talking about you and your parents it's not people this and abstract that it's you

01:59:28 and your parents is there value in you telling the actual truth of your experience to your parents

01:59:35 of course there is because being silenced out of fear is not growing up

01:59:43 now you can say i'm too scared of my parents to tell them truth that's fine that's an honest

01:59:52 statement i'm not gonna call you a coward i'm not gonna write but this like what's the use

01:59:58 and i don't know the practical purpose and all of that hang on still talking still talking still

02:00:02 talking so you say well i don't understand like i just want you to be honest if you're too and i

02:00:09 understand your parents are scary right your your your stepfather is caustic and and makes fun of

02:00:17 you and in in in pretty dark ways and he decided to marry a woman who beats her children your

02:00:21 mother is violent and beat you hundreds of times as a child they're scary people and i i am not

02:00:28 putting you down for being scared at all at all that's totally healthy it would be weird if you

02:00:35 weren't it would be very unhealthy if you weren't scared but if you're scared then you can say i

02:00:41 think the most honest statement is i'm terrified to tell the truth to my parents that's fine i can

02:00:47 live with that i mean that's an honest statement and i'm not saying whether i'm not saying whether

02:00:50 you should or shouldn't say anything to your parents i'm just asking you to be honest about

02:00:54 your motivations but hiding behind these lofty theories of abstractions and hiding behind oh

02:01:00 well i don't know the practical purpose and i can't turn back time and this that's not it you're

02:01:04 scared to tell the truth and i i'm not i'm not disagreeing with you about that i just let's be

02:01:10 honest about it yep okay i am worried about the consequences it seems that like the pros out

02:01:21 don't outweigh the cons like to me like it like no just no that's another lie i'm just

02:01:28 going to be straight that's another lie that's another lie how the cons only come from their side

02:01:33 the pros are for you to tell the truth and break the cycle and speak honestly to those who abused

02:01:41 you about how it affected you that's a pro the only negatives come from their side so don't

02:01:46 weigh the pros and cons like it's something internal to you the cons are they'll attack you

02:01:51 they'll scorn you they'll mock you they'll trash talk you they'll whatever i don't know what they

02:01:55 would do right you know but there's no pros and cons i'm weighing the pros and cons it's like no

02:02:00 the pros are entirely to you the cons entirely come from them which means that if the cons are

02:02:05 outweighing the pros it's your fear of them are out outweighing your desire to be honest

02:02:09 so we're back to the fear which again i have no problem with i'm not putting you down for that

02:02:13 but let's just be honest oh i i said it's like it's fear of the consequences but the consequences

02:02:22 are not oh i'm worried about like them doing something to me it's that it it doesn't seem

02:02:29 it doesn't seem fair it's it's like if you've like if you let something go for just a long

02:02:39 period of time it's like oh now it affects you it's like now you're suddenly talking about i know

02:02:44 that they wouldn't do that but like to me that's that's how i feel like it's oh if you didn't if

02:02:49 you didn't suck before it's like why like why are you bringing this up now it's like because like

02:02:54 you're you're upset and other things aren't working for you it's like oh they would say

02:02:59 this is what they would say where it's coming well let's let's let's close off on this let's

02:03:02 close off on this so you be your parents i'll be you okay because i i i want to understand how

02:03:10 their thinking goes because it sounds like you're arguing their side right okay so i'm sitting down

02:03:16 with your you you're you can be both parents or one i i don't mind and i as you say listen mom dad

02:03:23 uh i got stuff i really really need to talk about i've been thinking a lot about my childhood and

02:03:27 my life's kind of stuck and i think some of it has to do with childhood habits and all of that and

02:03:32 you know i had this massive weight gain and then this catastrophic weight loss which may have

02:03:37 triggered my autoimmune disorder and it's kind of crippled me for the last 13 years

02:03:40 and you guys were in charge you were responsible for that you were responsible for the food that

02:03:44 was in my house you were responsible for making sure i ate well you can't expect a six or seven

02:03:48 year old kid to make all the wise decisions in the known universe and then you never took me

02:03:52 to a doctor when i was losing weight and mom you beat me with these electrical cords and it was

02:03:57 pretty terrifying and appalling and painful it might have had something to do with my weight

02:04:01 gain and you know stepdad you like mocked me and and made fun of me for being fat without ever

02:04:07 asking me what was going on or whether i was unhappy and i just kind of locked myself away

02:04:11 in the tomb of my room playing video games until all the hours of the morning and nobody seemed to

02:04:15 care or didn't seem to matter and i have just i've got real problems with how i was raised and you

02:04:20 guys were in charge of all of that

02:04:29 uh who would be but where is this coming up like okay like the response would be like oh okay i'm

02:04:36 i'm sorry like it would just be something like completely cut and dry like just yeah i'm i'm

02:04:42 sorry you you feel that way like uh it didn't mean that like yeah like we messed up sorry that's

02:04:49 that that is that is exactly how i am i'm not asking you to get what you want your footnotes

02:04:54 i don't need the director's no no i i was i was okay so then they would say what what would they say

02:05:00 what i just said i wasn't doing commentary that was what they would say

02:05:07 no you were doing commentary so they would say where's this coming from oh i'm i'm sorry

02:05:14 where's this coming up okay so what would they say i'm sorry you feel that way like

02:05:19 no it's not a feeling these are facts that i mean i'm angry and i am upset

02:05:23 but there's not i'm feet these aren't just feelings these are actual facts that i have stated

02:05:28 okay like it would just be i'm sorry i'm sorry but sorry what are you sorry for help me understand

02:05:40 what are you sorry for because i'm talking about we talked about a lot here so just know that

02:05:44 i would just say sorry i'm the parent yeah okay so dad mom what are you sorry for because we

02:05:50 meant we messed we messed up okay in what way did you mess up they would say but we messed up we

02:05:56 messed we messed up we um yeah like we we should have done more but we didn't we didn't know at

02:06:01 the time a whole bunch of things like yeah like we could we could have put in more effort like we

02:06:05 we could have like very sorry like that's just how it would go yeah but sorry that's how it goes

02:06:10 what are you which aspects are you sorry for and also you said you didn't know but in a it's your

02:06:17 responsibility to know and b i didn't get that excuse when i was a kid like if i didn't study

02:06:22 for a test i wasn't given the excuse i was beaten if i did badly so i wasn't given the excuse well

02:06:28 i just didn't know so how do you have an excuse as parents that i didn't even have as a kid

02:06:32 like they would they would be nada like their lives were shittier

02:06:39 like yeah like you had a pretty good like like yeah like sorry like we did our best

02:06:44 i'm 300 pounds at the age of 10 and you're saying i had it pretty good

02:06:48 what is the matter with you what are you talking about

02:06:52 that's terrible well you did that you did it to yourself like yeah so it's my fault at the age of

02:07:03 seven or eight or six for for eating too much and you were helpless because you mean you beat me a

02:07:10 lot right so you weren't helpless in changing my behavior but you were helpless with the food i

02:07:15 don't understand i mean it would be different parents you guys gave me a lot of feedback and

02:07:19 criticism and beating so what do you mean it's all my fault it's all my responsibility you guys did a

02:07:23 lot of aggressive parenting what are you talking about well like your sister wasn't fat like we

02:07:31 didn't like yeah like like you you chose to to eat like it wasn't yeah like we didn't want you to be

02:07:40 fat like oh like sorry like i like the like i made like i teased you like because i hope that like

02:07:45 that would make you like want to lose weight like sorry like that's just right oh yeah so you tease

02:07:50 me for half a decade and it didn't work so obviously if something isn't working you change

02:07:55 what you're doing right yeah but we clearly didn't like i mean if you were driving in the wrong

02:08:04 direction you didn't just keep driving till you ended up in the fucking ocean would you

02:08:08 you turn around you change what you're doing because not working

02:08:11 so what you know you saw me gaining a hundred pounds in a couple of years as a little kid

02:08:24 oh you didn't take me to a doctor you didn't take me to a therapist you didn't ask me what

02:08:30 was going on you didn't care that i was obviously depressed and had no friends and no social life

02:08:35 and was locked up in my room on computers like it's your job to keep me healthy i'm a little kid

02:08:43 like what what was going on

02:08:52 and now you blame me for this you take no responsibility

02:08:56 how dare you like yeah we're responsible uh okay so you just lied to me when you told me that i

02:09:08 was responsible so you just lied to me and you blamed me for my weight gain and now you say that

02:09:14 you're responsible what is wrong with you yeah i don't want you telling me i don't give a shit

02:09:21 whether you like my tone or not you just lied to me and blamed me for my own weight gain and

02:09:26 you're concerned i'm concerned about being abused with food to the point where i was half dead at

02:09:35 the age of 10 and you're worried about my tone 18 years later are you kidding me okay what do you

02:09:43 want me to what do you want me to do about it i'm like i'm sorry how about don't lie to me and blame

02:09:48 me oh sorry then say no it was my responsibility okay like fine like fine fine what i don't know

02:10:01 what that means he fucked up like no not in the past you're still fucking up because you're right

02:10:08 you're right me you just blamed me for my weight gain and then you said no no no it was my fault

02:10:12 so you're still fucking up it's not about the past it's about the present you just blamed me

02:10:16 for my weight gain when i was six to ten years old

02:10:19 you're still doing it yeah like

02:10:24 like what does it not bother you at all that you blame a little kid

02:10:30 for his weight gain when he's obviously depressed and isolated and lonely

02:10:33 does it not bother you at all to blame your kid for his weight gain

02:10:39 does it not strike you it's at all bizarre yeah i'm sorry

02:10:44 i'm i'm still pretending oh it sounds shitty when you frame it that way of like yeah like

02:10:52 oh you're only you're only going to cover all the bad things like what about all the good things

02:10:55 like yeah like no the good things okay there were good things that's the only reason i'm having this

02:11:01 conversation and we've had uh 28 years of talking about the good things now we're going to talk

02:11:05 about some bad things because you don't get to run my side of the relationship right

02:11:13 i this is what i want to talk about and if you care about me you'll let me talk about it and if

02:11:17 you don't care about me you won't but i will not i will notice that deeply and significantly this is

02:11:22 what i need to talk about this is what i want to talk about and you don't get to run my side of

02:11:26 the relationship this is what's important to me we've got others we've got other shit to deal

02:11:37 with i don't know what you want from me like i'm sorry there you go no that's not you know that's

02:11:43 a bullshit non-apology right that's not a real apology you don't even know what you're apologizing

02:11:47 for because you just blamed me like three minutes ago you just blamed me for it so

02:11:50 sorry doesn't mean anything sorry it's just trying to get me to shut up and i won't because this is

02:11:56 my side of the conversation i'm running my side of the conversation not you

02:12:04 okay well like i don't have to listen like that's absolutely true it's absolutely true if you're too

02:12:11 busy to listen to what's really important to me you absolutely i can't force you to stay i can't

02:12:16 force you to listen i can't force you to engage with me like an actual adult rather than a

02:12:20 petulant child i can't force you to do any of that of course you're totally free to get off

02:12:25 your ass and walk out the door is that what you want to do well no but okay good then let's stay

02:12:38 and have a conversation i appreciate it pussy why are you being a pussy about this yeah yeah

02:12:42 what do you mean by being a pussy why now because it's on my mind i don't know why did you dream

02:12:50 about an elephant last night because that's what was on your mind what the hell does that matter

02:12:54 you

02:12:54 like why this why now it's like okay what do you want why on earth would that matter what do you

02:13:03 want i'm sorry okay like if you like if you want to deal with it fine like what is it like what do

02:13:11 you need like well i need you to not lie to me and blame me for what you're responsible for

02:13:17 i need to understand what on earth was going on in this family that i got beaten overfed

02:13:23 and ended up half starving myself into the grave that's messed up man i need to know what was going

02:13:29 on in the family what was your thinking i don't want to hear excuses i don't want to hear

02:13:33 minimization i don't want to hear non-apologies i don't want to hear any of that crap i want to

02:13:37 genuinely know what was going on in your guys hearts and minds when all of this stuff was

02:13:43 happening i mean you noticed me getting fat and all you did was mock me for it and continue to

02:13:48 beat me that didn't work i ended up having to try and solve the problem all on my own

02:13:53 which might have caused this horrible stuff i've been dealing with for the last 13 years

02:13:57 i mean other than

02:14:00 beatings and pulling me out to the country and having no friends i mean what kind of parenting

02:14:10 was really going on i don't i don't remember getting much advice i don't remember getting

02:14:14 any curiosity i don't remember anyone asking me how i was doing or what i wanted or whether

02:14:18 i was happy or what i needed like what was going on in this in this in this household

02:14:25 what were you thinking like let me ask you this what were you thinking when i was gaining all

02:14:32 this weight as a little kid that's bad but yeah like you don't have to do that like that's that's

02:14:46 on you like but if i i don't know like how i was raised like if i i tease you a bit like i thought

02:14:52 that would work like like oh i did it i did it out of kindness like i teased you out of kindness or

02:14:58 something of no but yeah like what right a bit of banter you had five years of something not working

02:15:04 so you're not a dumb man right so of course you don't try five years of something not working

02:15:11 and think you're doing something smart so there had to be something else you can't just be a dumb

02:15:19 man though i'm sorry you can't just be a dumb man though that is like an like an option to just be a

02:15:29 dumb man of someone just to just be a dumb person well no but then you wouldn't be manipulative in

02:15:36 this kind of way and blaming me and half apologize like you wouldn't be cunning and manipulative in

02:15:40 this kind of way that shows in intelligence so i can't give you the dumb stuff i guess right so

02:15:45 so no he's not a dumb guy because he's very cunning and therefore he's got the intelligence

02:15:50 to answer the question you're dumb when it's convenient yeah well play dumb yeah that's a

02:15:59 very common tactic right now unfortunately like in the role play here i'm asking questions of

02:16:06 your parents that you wouldn't have the answers to so there's a limit on the role play here right

02:16:11 like what was going on in the family that they just let you gain all this weight and then let

02:16:15 you half starve yourself half to death with no consultation or i mean your father was a farmer

02:16:21 right yeah he was like okay grow if like if his if his feelings or anything yeah if his farm animals

02:16:32 were losing weight catastrophically and suddenly would he call the vet if they were all doing at

02:16:42 the same time well whatever there's some animal that's losing weight we kill them yeah kill yeah

02:16:47 he would call the vet right oh no i thought you were about to say something was oh yeah

02:16:51 oh no like it depends like oh i when you were saying what you're saying oh yeah like he would

02:16:57 like blow their brains out like oh wait you know you're talking about that okay yeah like but i

02:17:02 assume that he called the vets something over the course of being a farmer from time to time right

02:17:06 of course yeah okay yeah so he called the vet to get medical intervention

02:17:14 initial assessment yeah yeah so he called the vet to get medical assessments on his animals

02:17:20 just not a stepson

02:17:26 it's not like i never went to the doctor it's i never went to the doctor for that specific

02:17:32 oh like okay like try weight watches it's like okay well like the issue with being

02:17:37 overweight is that you're depressed because of everything else around you and then you eat stuff

02:17:42 it's like well if that's not being dealt with like no like no counseling or anything because that's

02:17:45 just that's weird like you don't you're gonna go to counseling if you're like insane so well no no

02:17:52 oh hang on hang on she was eating too much not interrupt so but what your parents would do

02:17:56 is they would go to the doctor and they would say our child is gaining weight right and the

02:18:03 doctor would say i assume uh well um don't have the bad food in the house don't take him to

02:18:10 restaurants with bad food i mean that's that's the ideal but like it's not an ideal that's a basic

02:18:20 if your if your father's animals were gaining weight would he restrict their diet

02:18:26 yes of course he would he knows that of a sale not for sale sorry

02:18:40 office oh sorry i was thinking well farm animals of like okay well he's

02:18:43 one but if it's like cattle like no like that's great no but if his animals if his animals were

02:18:50 gaining weight in an unhealthy and destructive way he would restrict their diet right

02:18:55 yes he would if he was paying attention to yeah he wouldn't he wouldn't he wouldn't put all the food

02:19:05 in the animal's trough and then just lecture them to not eat it right

02:19:09 he would not put as much food in their trough right he would restrict their calorie intake

02:19:16 so that they would stop gaining weight and hopefully lose some weight right

02:19:20 so your father your father your stepfather knows everything there is to know about what to do if

02:19:30 you're gaining weight you said you mentioned mcdonald's so is it true that you were gaining

02:19:34 weight and they took you to mcdonald's i mean like of course like it's not like oh he put on

02:19:43 a kilo let's take him to mcdonald's it's like you're fat and you go to mcdonald's you know

02:19:48 like all parents with children who are gaining weight take their children

02:19:53 to restaurants to serve bad food at least for weight gain right

02:20:03 actually my stepdad um he he wasn't actually pro junk food like it was it was my mom that would

02:20:09 that would buy it and then he'd be like oh we need to cook everything at home and stuff uh like he

02:20:13 would just yeah i said that he never he would just make like jibes and stuff and oh actually no he

02:20:21 would do the thing where it's like okay you come home with like a like a chocolate bar or something

02:20:26 it's like if you say oh i'm trying to like not eat like health unhealthy like he would come home

02:20:33 specifically with something unhealthy so that's the only time i'd wear he would of that be of

02:20:39 those things of like okay well like if the only times that you like why you never do this like

02:20:44 what why do you do this in this context it's like well it seems it seems kind of malevolent but not

02:20:49 really of like he would be okay we'd like a junk food is expensive it's like and so we just cook

02:20:57 everything and just be miserable and have like vegemite sandwiches and stuff like that like

02:21:01 except in the context of well if you say like for being angry like when i was losing weight of like

02:21:10 i told you not to get me something it's like if i'm telling you i'm doing this and then like

02:21:14 now it was like now now why are you okay with all this stuff is that you don't even want to eat it

02:21:19 like it's wait sorry who are we talking about your stepdad would be home food that was bad for you

02:21:24 when you were trying to lose weight yes but but he wouldn't do that before because he was like he

02:21:31 grew up in a really rough kind of like living off the land type but borderline subsistence like in

02:21:38 like brutal like like and so yeah like he like penny penny pin check kind of like attitude like

02:21:45 we think you don't go to mcdonald's it's like ah but like in the context we do it's it's not like

02:21:52 something that i'm pro oh like you you only you only like you you only do this thing when i say

02:21:57 not to do it it's like well that's yeah it's like it's the passive it's a passive like i i said

02:22:04 before that he was he wasn't like violent or aggressive or anything about it but his thing

02:22:08 was just like passive aggressive kind of stewing and doing like the like the one up of like well

02:22:16 like if you fail then i'm kind of like better than you know if like helping kind of what was this

02:22:23 thing like i still use it today get people enough rope to hang themselves of well it's like okay

02:22:30 like give give you enough temptation for you to fail i guess so sorry i understand that he

02:22:38 sabotaged your weight loss like yes but you've been talking about that like so far of like okay

02:22:49 well you said it both sabotage like a lot of things but like yeah like this the only times

02:22:59 i knew it was like passive aggressiveness and malevolence like i'm framing them as different

02:23:07 things of like okay well like someone salty but that they're upset and they they like if you if

02:23:16 you succeed then like they fail i guess it's like okay well if you're if you're if you're doing if

02:23:22 you're doing well then they're doing poorly and if they're and if you're if you're if you're upset

02:23:28 and you're miserable then they have company and i think that that's kind of the the way that he

02:23:33 was raised with his family like okay well for all kind of miserable like then yeah like well like

02:23:42 no one no one's winning like we're all losing at the same time like not not very nice but i but

02:23:49 because of the way for the the times when he would talk about like how he was raising the

02:23:54 shit that he went with i couldn't not feel sorry for him you know like okay like like it's like

02:24:01 someone say like they're not like a child predator or something but like someone is abusive but you

02:24:08 know that they're abused and you you would want them to get but you sympathize with someone that's

02:24:12 that's bad so it's you can sympathize with bad people if and i and i've done it for him and i've

02:24:20 like i mean it's not for everyone i guess but it's like it doesn't

02:24:27 yeah i i don't know what to i don't know what to do with those emotions i'm too juvenile

02:24:33 uh kind of like know what to do with them do you do you notice at all when you do you notice

02:24:39 at all when you filibuster would you just take someone on a like language journey from here to

02:24:48 everywhere to nowhere well i'd rather just listen and hear answers but no no you wouldn't no you

02:24:59 wouldn't you absolutely wouldn't because i've been trying to give you answers and

02:25:02 you really don't i mean or rather you do but your your parents don't so like your inner parents

02:25:08 but yeah so the last thing i'll say is that um

02:25:11 you say that you can treat somebody somebody can treat you horribly and you still love them

02:25:18 that may be your relationship with procrastination because the

02:25:20 procrastination is causing you significant discomfort right

02:25:22 yes so it's almost like you're treating yourself horribly but still trying to love yourself

02:25:33 and if the procrastination is causing serious problems in your life

02:25:38 you're just like well but i still love myself it's like well

02:25:42 i think self-love or self-respect doesn't have to be earned that way right sorry go ahead

02:25:47 well i i like whatever feelings i have for myself i don't think self-love is one of them

02:25:56 like i think it's more like like like contempt or just like being upset of

02:26:02 i don't know like i don't wake up and think i love being near i love

02:26:06 like fake no i understand that i'm a good person because i'm not angry that's why that's why i said

02:26:12 self-love has to be earned right but may or or maybe on the other side you're used to mocking

02:26:17 and contempt from your stepfather and so you just fulfill that that's that's the role you have that's

02:26:22 the role you know i i write about this in my book real-time relationships which you should check out

02:26:28 if you haven't already it's a it's free at free domain.com/books which is the repetition compulsion

02:26:33 of i'm unworthy i'm not good enough i'm a failure i'm like whatever you may have internalized in

02:26:41 order to try and find a way to to get along with your stepdad or your mom if she was that way

02:26:45 inclined as well you just kind of continue doing that stuff because that's the role you're in and

02:26:49 that's you know you don't have control of your parents but you have control of your own emotions

02:26:54 and so uh if managing contempt is your childhood experience then

02:27:00 you're going to need that contempt as an adult to continue putting it sorry

02:27:05 that's i said that's a really good way of putting it of managing contempt of like oh oh yeah kind of

02:27:15 like just like don't let it boil over until it you know like just kind of turn the dial down however

02:27:21 you can well what what's you know what's life for you like if you don't have like this is why i had

02:27:27 to really forcefully intervene and you insulting yourself before right so what's what's your life

02:27:31 like if you're doing all the right things what's your life like if you're taking responsibility

02:27:35 and holding people accountable and not procrastinating i mean we all do a little bit

02:27:38 but nothing major nothing serious what's your life like well i think it would be kind of tough

02:27:44 because if you're worthy of respect then your parents were disrespectful if you're kind of

02:27:49 just a screw up and a failure and you can't get anything done and you can't get your life organized

02:27:53 and you always procrastinate well then your parents were right and then they weren't abusive or they

02:27:57 weren't verbally abusive or destructive they were just you know identifying factual thing right like

02:28:03 if i can't sing and my parents say you really can't sing that well you know they're not being

02:28:08 abusive right i'm i just can't sing that well but if i am a really good singer and my parents say

02:28:13 you sound like [ __ ] that they're being abusive or you know you're a bad singer when i'm actually

02:28:16 a good singer then they're being abusive right so if your parents say all these negative things

02:28:21 about you then if you stop all of that stuff in your life and they continue to do it they're

02:28:26 exposed as abusive if you continue to conform to their expectations hey man they're just

02:28:31 identifying facts they're not being abusive and that may be a place to start as well

02:28:44 i also do have fdrpodcast.com i have a whole show on procrastination uh you should

02:28:49 obviously watch it later not now kidding right but uh you might want to check that out that's

02:28:54 a good video about master-slave morality and its relationship to procrastination

02:28:58 well i think i'll

02:29:02 i'm gonna have to look at like the relationship uh kind of stuff first maybe of if that is like

02:29:11 yeah like i wasn't i wasn't expecting to get upset uh by any of that i didn't think that it would

02:29:19 well clearly it does because it upset me but that's good like okay well then that's the

02:29:23 that's the thing that i'm not yeah i'm not dealing with it's like what's that's uncomfortable as [ __ ]

02:29:28 but it's meant to be well technically i didn't upset you i upset your inner parents because

02:29:36 they don't want to don't want to be confronted no i i you've been wonderful like i wasn't i wasn't

02:29:42 like it being rude like kind of slagging on you yeah like you did me wrong it was no you've done

02:29:50 everything right but i'm still upset which means that it's like it's it's it's my thing to deal

02:29:55 with of that yeah like well listen i really do appreciate the call and i hope that you'll um

02:30:04 keep in touch and let me know how things are going and i hope that you enjoy the

02:30:08 the video or find it useful on procrastination i think it was pretty good

02:30:11 oh thank you very much for answering and all the stuff about like rambling and going around

02:30:20 like i do apologize for that of that just this is in a position that like you do this stuff all

02:30:28 the time it's like i just wasn't expecting to be upset i was i wasn't expecting to be that

02:30:34 upset by things but like i didn't think all the stuff that like i don't deal with and contempt

02:30:43 management it's like okay like you kind of you made you made it simmer i think kind of like

02:30:47 but i mean you know in the future with people the more honest thing just to say is i'm really upset

02:30:52 and i'm not sure why rather than going on this exhausting filibuster that's the more direct thing

02:30:57 to say but all right well keep me posted thanks a lot for the call and i look forward to getting

02:31:00 an update thank you take care brother bye oh thank you very much you have a nice day thank you

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