Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
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00:01:23 I need to grab them in the first minute.
00:01:29 Behind these walls lay the broken dreams of men who are now confined.
00:01:33 Nah, too depressing.
00:01:35 Bait in. On a tree-lined street, two good-looking, attractive guys are...
00:01:41 Good-looking? Attractive?
00:01:43 Well, that's the same thing.
00:01:45 Why not tall, un-short guys?
00:01:48 Nah.
00:01:50 Give him something they've never seen before.
00:01:56 Edgy.
00:01:57 Out.
00:01:58 Different.
00:02:00 Out.
00:02:01 It's the action-packed, true story of how the search for the American dream goes dangerously awry.
00:02:12 I have one dream on rye with a pickle to go.
00:02:15 Hmm, not bad.
00:02:17 Gotta grab him in the first minute.
00:02:20 Hmm, maybe a little sex.
00:02:24 Nah, too obvious.
00:02:28 [Music]
00:02:31 Cosmo says red is the power color for women, but it makes me look like a fire truck.
00:02:37 Hollywood.
00:02:39 That's me, Sarah Wilder.
00:02:42 I just graduated from film school and now I'm in the real world.
00:02:46 Well, L.A., which may be real or unreal, depending on who you are.
00:02:51 Fortunately, I know a real person, my Uncle Lou, who was once a big-time Hollywood writer.
00:02:57 [Music]
00:02:59 Yeah, it's open.
00:03:00 Yeah, so how did they do yesterday?
00:03:03 Oh, good, good.
00:03:05 Oh, Phil, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
00:03:07 So?
00:03:11 Sarah Wilder, your niece.
00:03:15 I know that. Sit down.
00:03:19 For me?
00:03:21 Oh, how nice.
00:03:23 So, what made you want to get into the movie business?
00:03:27 Why'd you pick a profession with dignity, like begging?
00:03:30 Okay, Uncle Lou, you're just like Mom.
00:03:32 You think the movie business is populated with terrible people.
00:03:34 No, no, no, no, no. Believe me, believe me, I'm not like your mother.
00:03:37 But in this instance, she's right. The world is full of terrible people. Why not the movie business?
00:03:41 So, speaking of which, how is your mother?
00:03:47 And that Lummix she married?
00:03:49 She and Dad are great. They're doing the Florida thing, you know, get a condo on the beach and play golf and tennis.
00:03:54 So, what's this movie about that you want to make?
00:03:56 Jimmy. Cousin Jimmy.
00:03:58 On your father's side?
00:04:00 The same.
00:04:01 But why? He's a bum.
00:04:03 I know him. And like my film teacher always said, "Film what you know."
00:04:07 So, this story is all about Jimmy's problems, huh?
00:04:13 What audience is going to sit down and watch a movie about a schmuck like that?
00:04:18 I don't know. He's a sweet guy, and I think I want to explore the why of it all.
00:04:25 The why of it all? Uh-huh.
00:04:30 You know, I don't understand the movies they're making today.
00:04:33 Did you see something about Mary?
00:04:36 Laugh my ass off. Could I make a movie like that?
00:04:38 Never. Never in a million years.
00:04:40 I want to tell you something. I still know a lot of people in this town.
00:04:46 I called in a lot of favors.
00:04:49 I don't know why I'm doing this, but I set up some pitch meetings for you.
00:04:56 All right? Now, stay focused. And remember, nobody knows anything.
00:05:01 [phone ringing]
00:05:03 Today I have my first pitch meeting at a big studio.
00:05:06 [phone ringing]
00:05:07 Hello? Oh, I can't talk right now.
00:05:10 No, I'm meeting Connor Fulton at 9.30. I'll talk to you later.
00:05:14 Hello?
00:05:17 Wait, wait, wait. All right. Hold on. Connor is talking now, okay?
00:05:27 All right, now listen. You are $5 million over budget. Hold on one second.
00:05:31 Miss Winston. Wilder.
00:05:33 That's right. Hold on. Okay.
00:05:34 Listen, you're $5 million over budget, so either we're going to stop paying you
00:05:37 or we stop beating the cast and the crew. It's your decision.
00:05:40 So, you're new in town and you got a story to tell.
00:05:47 [laughs]
00:05:48 Well, nobody ever said that Connor Fulton didn't give new town a break. Ain't that right?
00:05:53 [car horn honking]
00:05:55 See? Everyone knows.
00:05:58 That's George. He's my assistant. He's my eyes and my ears.
00:06:01 You can see the big picture.
00:06:03 Hi.
00:06:05 [car horn honking]
00:06:07 So, shoot. I got a 10 o'clock's coming in early. You got five minutes.
00:06:10 Any good story can be told in five minutes. Ain't that right?
00:06:13 [car horn honking]
00:06:15 See? Give me your best shot.
00:06:18 It's the action-packed true story of how the search for the American dream goes ominously awry.
00:06:24 [dramatic music]
00:06:32 He's kind of like a modern James Dean, but during his quest for the American dream,
00:06:36 Jimmy committed armed robbery, a felony.
00:06:39 But he's my cousin. I mean, I sat next to him at the kids' table at every holiday dinner.
00:06:44 But what made him do it?
00:06:46 [sighs]
00:06:48 Here's the twist.
00:06:50 You see, I shot interviews of every family member and eyewitnesses to the actual crime
00:06:55 for a historic docudrama.
00:06:58 Kind of like Reds, but without the communist.
00:07:00 And we'll cut back to them ever so often for background and to help uncover Jimmy's motivations.
00:07:06 [dog barking]
00:07:07 The diet pills are working.
00:07:09 Oh, thank you.
00:07:10 Are those canned?
00:07:11 Oh, of course they're canned.
00:07:12 Are you nervous, Beatrice?
00:07:13 No, I'm very relaxed.
00:07:14 You're going to be wonderful, Uncle Sid. You're going to be brilliant.
00:07:17 I like that apathetic thing you got going on. And it's all about glamour over here, isn't it?
00:07:20 Oh, how do I look?
00:07:21 Wonderful.
00:07:22 Good. I look right in there? Glam?
00:07:24 You look really good. It's all about cleverness. Roll sound.
00:07:28 Um, should I wait for, like, action?
00:07:31 Wait until I say dysfunction.
00:07:33 Dysfunction.
00:07:34 Okay. Okay. Good.
00:07:36 What do you want me to talk about?
00:07:38 Tell me about my cousin Jimmy. And Uncle Sid, you look marvelous.
00:07:42 Oh. [laughs]
00:07:45 Jimmy is our son. We love him. He's a very good boy. A very good boy.
00:07:52 You know what rotten is? He's rotten. Rotten to the core.
00:07:55 Oh, but he's a very good boy, you know? Thank God he's got my genes.
00:08:01 You know, he takes after my side of the family.
00:08:04 Your side of the family? Your side of the family is crazy.
00:08:08 You know, all this bad stuff with Jimmy, it's your fault.
00:08:13 My fault? Huh. I ought to sue you. I ought to sue you and your family. You know that?
00:08:18 For what?
00:08:19 When I married you, they passed you off as sane. You're fucking crazy.
00:08:24 Ow.
00:08:25 This is good. This is good. [laughs]
00:08:30 You used fucking properly.
00:08:33 I have a mother and a father, too. Most people do. That's very identifiable.
00:08:38 Mm. Mm.
00:08:41 I'm a basket case until my second day.
00:08:44 You don't want to know what he does at the grocery store?
00:08:48 Jesus Christ, she's going to bring up the candy bin thing again.
00:08:51 He steals little pieces of candy from the candy bin at the grocery store.
00:08:56 Jimmy must have seen him do it. Like father, like son.
00:09:00 You know, Jimmy used to be a very sweet boy. My husband here corrupted him.
00:09:06 Okay, so maybe Jimmy didn't grow up in the best environment,
00:09:10 but it's not like he was so different than any other kid.
00:09:13 I can't do homework because they told me to do homework.
00:09:16 I can't work under these conditions.
00:09:19 Right, but there was always a constant in Jimmy's life.
00:09:22 His love-- no, no, his obsession for Miranda, even when they were kids.
00:09:27 Miranda, I love you.
00:09:30 Best thing that ever happened to Jimmy was Miranda,
00:09:33 but even when they were kids, it wasn't always roses.
00:09:36 I told you, Jimmy, get the fuck out of here! I'm serious!
00:09:40 By the time they got married, she'd been kicking him out for years.
00:09:43 Just leave!
00:09:45 See, things haven't changed much, but unfortunately,
00:09:48 every time Jimmy and Miranda fought, he'd always go to his best friend for solace,
00:09:52 for understanding. Unfortunately, his best friend is virus.
00:09:57 His partner in crime, so to speak.
00:09:59 Rocket scientist virus isn't, but Jimmy still considered him a friend.
00:10:03 Don't even ask me why.
00:10:05 Connor, darling, the love of my life, the vein of my existence.
00:10:09 Great baby!
00:10:10 George, see any good movies lately?
00:10:12 So good to see you.
00:10:15 How are you doing? What brings you to the salt mines?
00:10:17 It's about Bruce, Connor, dear. Who else?
00:10:19 Listen, I just saw those dailies. Marvelous.
00:10:22 Huh? That fight inside? What is that? Is that a volcano?
00:10:25 Of course.
00:10:26 That's incredible. That's incredible. Did I say that was incredible?
00:10:29 I said that.
00:10:31 I'm so happy you're happy.
00:10:33 Happy? Happy? I am ecstatic here, all right? I am delirious.
00:10:37 I'm about to lose control of my bladder.
00:10:40 I have something else you can piss on, then.
00:10:42 [laughing]
00:10:45 If you don't mind looking at the list of requests Bruce has.
00:10:48 What is it? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:10:50 Hasana in his trailer.
00:10:52 Wet, not dry.
00:10:53 Not dry, not dry, George. Remind me.
00:10:56 What's his new stand-in at $4,000?
00:10:58 Don't you think Bruce's brother would be perfect?
00:11:00 Okay, what's his driver at $3,000?
00:11:02 His nephew.
00:11:03 Personal trainer, $2,000?
00:11:04 His cousin. Coincidentally.
00:11:06 [laughing]
00:11:07 You're killing me here. This is $14,000 a week.
00:11:10 Why don't we just rent his whole family?
00:11:12 You are, Conner, darling.
00:11:14 You're renting the whole goddamn family.
00:11:16 He's honest. He's honest.
00:11:18 It's an $80 million movie.
00:11:19 They'll need lots of asses in those seats to see profits.
00:11:22 Bruce can put them there.
00:11:24 Ciao, George.
00:11:25 Love what you're wearing.
00:11:27 Thank you, Craig. Thank you.
00:11:31 Hey, listen, you take care, all right?
00:11:33 Tell Bruce I'll see him at the fight.
00:11:34 I will.
00:11:35 [laughing]
00:11:37 This is a fucking business of what?
00:11:40 Would they run General Electric like this?
00:11:43 No, no, you're damn right they wouldn't.
00:11:45 Get me Jack Brown.
00:11:46 I'm sorry about this.
00:11:48 They said he went to an early lunch.
00:11:50 Crazy.
00:11:51 It's 10.45 in the morning.
00:11:53 Get me the other producer on his film, Bruce's film,
00:11:56 whatever his name is, I don't know.
00:11:58 Call him.
00:11:59 [exhaling]
00:12:01 This is a crazy business.
00:12:02 It is crazy.
00:12:03 I tell you that.
00:12:05 Stars that make $14 million a picture,
00:12:07 and then they nickel and dime you
00:12:09 for every perk they can think of.
00:12:11 Producers go to a 10.45 lunch.
00:12:13 Shit!
00:12:14 I mean, most producers don't even come in till 11 o'clock, huh?
00:12:17 Am I right?
00:12:18 What?
00:12:19 Fred Schwartz on two.
00:12:21 Connor Fulton here.
00:12:26 Hi.
00:12:27 I want you to measure Bruce's trailer for a sauna,
00:12:30 and then I want you to tell him every day
00:12:32 that it's being specially made.
00:12:33 I want you to tell him we're having trouble
00:12:35 getting a green card for his French chef.
00:12:37 I want you to bullshit him about his stand-in.
00:12:39 I want you to bullshit him about his driver.
00:12:41 I want you to bullshit him about his trainer.
00:12:43 Tell him--tell him--
00:12:45 Teamsters, tell him--
00:12:46 tell him we're having a problem with the Teamsters.
00:12:48 They want their men in place,
00:12:49 and if he has a problem with that,
00:12:50 then his family's gonna be sleeping with the fishes, okay?
00:12:52 And then you tell him to go to hell!
00:12:54 [sighs]
00:12:56 [sighs]
00:12:58 [exhales]
00:12:59 [upbeat music]
00:13:02 ♪ ♪
00:13:03 Wait, wait, wait.
00:13:05 ♪ ♪
00:13:07 What Jimmy and Virus needed was a direction, a goal.
00:13:10 Get a job, get a job.
00:13:12 Why don't you get a job?
00:13:13 I'd like to get a job.
00:13:14 Why don't you get a job?
00:13:15 I can't.
00:13:16 See? 'Cause she told me to,
00:13:17 and then if I get a job, it's because she told me to,
00:13:19 and I can't work under those conditions.
00:13:21 Remember, when Jimmy was a kid,
00:13:23 he didn't like taking orders.
00:13:25 He's no different now.
00:13:26 Hey, fellas, let's go, huh?
00:13:28 We got a house to paint.
00:13:29 Rapido, rapido.
00:13:31 [claps]
00:13:32 For the daylight.
00:13:33 You like some guy clapping at you?
00:13:35 Come on, have some self-respect.
00:13:36 You gotta be your own boss.
00:13:38 I am my own boss, and I've got self-respect.
00:13:40 No, what you got...
00:13:41 [claps]
00:13:42 ...is some guy telling you what to do.
00:13:43 Nobody tells me what to do.
00:13:45 Look, I'm gonna take off.
00:13:47 Think about what I said.
00:13:48 I thought you were coming over to help me paint.
00:13:50 No.
00:13:51 I thought I was coming over while you paint.
00:13:53 I don't paint.
00:13:54 [scoffs]
00:13:55 I'm not a painter.
00:13:56 Anyway, I gotta go pick up my check.
00:13:58 Disability.
00:14:00 Think about what I said.
00:14:02 When I said they needed a goal,
00:14:04 I really meant they needed money
00:14:05 because all they were capable of doing
00:14:07 was painting houses.
00:14:10 All the fixtures you see are original.
00:14:13 They were installed when the house was first built in 1946.
00:14:17 Now, nine years ago,
00:14:19 the owner of the house, Mississippi Blue Smoke Jones,
00:14:21 had all of the fixtures removed,
00:14:23 sent back to Germany, where they were originally manufactured in 1928.
00:14:29 The Mississippi Blue Smoke Jones?
00:14:31 The harmonica player?
00:14:32 Yes.
00:14:34 Wow.
00:14:37 Nice house, Blue Smoke.
00:14:40 How do you know Blue Smoke?
00:14:41 I don't. I know off him.
00:14:43 Not done yet!
00:14:44 All of the fixtures were cleaned, restored, updated
00:14:48 by the grandson of the original manufacturer,
00:14:51 Minscher van der Klieger.
00:14:53 Now, if that name rings a bell, it should,
00:14:56 because we still use Klieg lights today.
00:14:59 This way.
00:15:02 Does he know we're here to paint?
00:15:04 As you can see.
00:15:07 As you can see, the kitchen has been updated as well.
00:15:10 The technology of tomorrow with the hardwood floors of yesterday.
00:15:14 I think that's pretty cool.
00:15:16 Speaking of cool--
00:15:17 Nicely done.
00:15:18 This refrigerator has the shell of its mother model,
00:15:22 the Frieze Captain 627,
00:15:24 with the entrails of the Captain Frost Master Whiz Fridge.
00:15:31 Lovely piece of machinery.
00:15:33 [laughs]
00:15:36 I believe this is yours.
00:15:38 Take a look at this. Is this beautiful?
00:15:40 Look at this, with the trees and the sun.
00:15:44 Look at this view.
00:15:45 If this view were a lady,
00:15:48 I would lay her down right here, right now,
00:15:51 and give her the love.
00:15:53 Oh, my God!
00:15:55 Oh, my God!
00:15:58 Oh, God!
00:16:00 I am so goddamn tired of showing houses all day long.
00:16:04 You couldn't give this piece of shit away.
00:16:06 This shit, it's been on the market for six years now.
00:16:11 Oh, God.
00:16:14 Oh, God, did you ever lie in bed at night
00:16:16 and you look up at the ceiling and you realize,
00:16:18 "You know, I came to the fork in the road, I veered left."
00:16:21 You know you should veer right, you know it,
00:16:23 but it's too late, it's too late.
00:16:26 I shit where I sleep.
00:16:28 Oh, God, I wish I had a back porch.
00:16:33 It's too late.
00:16:36 You guys, you seem like nice guys, really,
00:16:40 and you're young.
00:16:41 You should get away.
00:16:42 Run away now, because I feel one coming on, okay?
00:16:47 I really need to be alone.
00:16:50 Oh, God.
00:16:52 [Gulping]
00:16:56 Oh.
00:16:58 Oh, God.
00:17:00 Wow, can you believe that?
00:17:02 Oh.
00:17:03 Blue Smoke's house has been on the market for six years.
00:17:05 It's beautiful.
00:17:07 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:17:09 Two guys--strike that--two morons who can't paint
00:17:14 and they're talking about some musician.
00:17:17 I'm--George, I thought this was about an armed robbery.
00:17:21 It is.
00:17:22 So?
00:17:23 Where is it?
00:17:24 I mean, how far are we into the picture now?
00:17:27 Ten minutes, maybe.
00:17:30 Ten minutes?
00:17:31 Ten minutes is a lifetime, see?
00:17:33 George knows.
00:17:34 In Indiana Jones, he has already been chased
00:17:36 by a boulder by now, okay?
00:17:38 In Jaws, we've seen a girl get naked,
00:17:40 make out with some guy, hop in the water,
00:17:42 and get eaten by a shark.
00:17:43 That's the goal.
00:17:44 That's what the audience is waiting for.
00:17:45 Why are you making them wait?
00:17:47 [Clears throat]
00:17:49 I wanted to build up the motivation
00:17:51 to their committing the robbery.
00:17:53 [Buzzer]
00:17:54 Wrong answer.
00:17:56 My dear, you must be visual.
00:17:57 You have to show this.
00:17:58 You got to show some guns, some violence, a little blood.
00:18:02 I don't--wait, um, they--they--let's say they--
00:18:06 they witness a robbery.
00:18:09 They witness a robbery, and that inspires them.
00:18:12 That's good, isn't it?
00:18:13 That's good.
00:18:14 That's good.
00:18:15 Try that.
00:18:16 You want me to change what I have?
00:18:18 Change what actually happened, change the truth?
00:18:21 [Chuckles]
00:18:23 The tr--
00:18:25 What do you think this is, church?
00:18:26 The--yes.
00:18:27 Yes, change the truth,
00:18:29 add a bit about the robbery, and then, uh, continue.
00:18:34 Okay, um, let's see.
00:18:37 Uh, as Uncle Lou said, nobody knows anything,
00:18:40 so I might as well give it a try.
00:18:42 Why can't Miranda just be nice to me?
00:18:44 You guys need a dialogue, man.
00:18:46 Is that it, fellas?
00:18:47 Yeah.
00:18:48 All right.
00:18:49 Uh, let's see, Pepsi, Pepsi, fruit pie, fruit pie.
00:18:53 $2.65.
00:18:54 We got two.
00:18:55 We got 50, 61, 62, 63, 64,
00:19:03 264.
00:19:07 264.
00:19:10 All right, man, fine.
00:19:17 Miranda's just complicated, you know?
00:19:20 You guys, give me a talk more, 'cause she's like--
00:19:22 Let's stay calm, we just want the cash.
00:19:24 Let's go, move it.
00:19:25 You two, spread out.
00:19:26 Spread out.
00:19:27 See some money out of you two.
00:19:28 Come on, come on, I'm not fooling around here.
00:19:30 Let's open the pot.
00:19:31 See some cash.
00:19:32 Nothing.
00:19:33 Holy cow.
00:19:35 Give me the change.
00:19:38 Keep the hands up.
00:19:39 Clean, that's it.
00:19:40 Let's go.
00:19:41 How hairy was that?
00:19:51 How about shit?
00:19:52 Did you bow shit?
00:19:53 How about shit?
00:19:55 You see me, I throw it, fellas.
00:19:57 Hey, man, you're really cool.
00:20:00 Yeah, it's 'cause I don't give a shit.
00:20:01 It happens every other week.
00:20:03 I'm not gonna get my ass shot up for, you know, 200 bucks
00:20:05 that's not even mine.
00:20:07 You were really cool.
00:20:08 I should have put a cap in they ass.
00:20:10 That's what I should have did.
00:20:11 But I don't have a gun.
00:20:17 Hey.
00:20:18 Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
00:20:19 You sure?
00:20:20 You sure?
00:20:22 Thanks a lot.
00:20:23 Sure.
00:20:25 Jimmy needed to feel worthy in Miranda's eyes
00:20:28 to prove himself to her on his own terms.
00:20:32 But he didn't know how.
00:20:34 Witnessing the robbery was both shocking and exciting to them.
00:20:37 A total adrenaline rush.
00:20:39 To Jimmy and Virus, this was all the inspiration they needed.
00:20:42 If you had to give a description of the cops right now,
00:20:44 what would you tell them?
00:20:45 I'd say there were two of them.
00:20:47 Uh-huh.
00:20:48 And that they were bigger than us and white.
00:20:51 Hey, you don't catch guys like that, you know?
00:20:54 They knew exactly what they were doing.
00:20:55 They were professionals.
00:20:56 You heard the cashier.
00:20:57 That shit happens all the time.
00:20:58 I like this.
00:20:59 Much better now.
00:21:00 I like it.
00:21:01 This is good.
00:21:02 [laughs]
00:21:04 Go on.
00:21:05 Jimmy moved in with Virus.
00:21:06 The wheels were now in motion that would lead them
00:21:08 to their eventual destiny.
00:21:10 Come on, get the door open.
00:21:12 [door opens]
00:21:13 Phone's ringing.
00:21:14 Hello?
00:21:15 Oh, no, hey, Miranda, how are you?
00:21:17 No, actually, we just walked in.
00:21:19 It's Miranda.
00:21:20 Really?
00:21:21 No, that-- yeah.
00:21:22 No, I will.
00:21:24 Yeah, that's sweet.
00:21:25 I will.
00:21:26 Absolutely, I will.
00:21:27 Uh-huh.
00:21:30 You look like Joe Perry from Aerosmith right now in that life.
00:21:32 It's weird.
00:21:33 Your nose is--
00:21:34 What are you saying?
00:21:35 No, that--
00:21:36 Just--
00:21:37 OK, cool.
00:21:38 Absolutely, I will.
00:21:40 Yeah, he's right here.
00:21:41 Hold on one second.
00:21:42 She wants to talk to you.
00:21:43 Now, to Jimmy, his life may have been crap,
00:21:45 but the one thing he did have was Miranda.
00:21:49 Actually, he didn't, but that's Jimmy.
00:21:52 Hello.
00:21:53 Yeah, no, just being invited.
00:21:54 Hey, how did you know I was here anyway?
00:21:58 No, just-- no.
00:22:00 No.
00:22:01 Now, see, I think you do want to fight about it.
00:22:03 As a matter of fact, I think you want nothing more than to fight about it.
00:22:06 Hang on a second there, Puddin', you're the one who asked me to--
00:22:09 Pudds?
00:22:10 I even asked a psychiatrist why Miranda would call.
00:22:13 It's called separation anxiety.
00:22:15 You see, Jimmy was obsessed with Miranda, yet she was rejecting him.
00:22:19 Quite often, when people are away, this happens.
00:22:22 Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's exactly what happened to me
00:22:24 when I was on a stakeout for two months.
00:22:27 Day in and day out, my wife and I, well, we were separated for some time,
00:22:31 and, well, we had arguments, and, you know,
00:22:34 separation is very painful and stressful.
00:22:37 Oh, it's terrible.
00:22:39 He was not on a stakeout.
00:22:40 He's disturbed.
00:22:42 He thinks he's Joe Mannix from the television show.
00:22:44 You were not on a stakeout.
00:22:45 Yeah, I tried to call her from every discreet telephone I could find,
00:22:49 but there just wasn't any telephones around.
00:22:52 I was desperate, desperate to talk to her.
00:22:54 I even had my secretary, Peggy-- you remember Peggy--
00:22:56 Peggy, I said, "You've got to get in touch with her," but nothing, nothing.
00:23:00 You're not a private eye, Mr. Ohanian.
00:23:02 You're--
00:23:03 Wait, wait a minute.
00:23:04 What do you mean, Shrink?
00:23:05 Oh, of course I'm a private eye.
00:23:07 Joe Mannix, what are you talking about?
00:23:09 I went undercover with my contacts at the police force, Lieutenant Tobias.
00:23:12 Remember Lieutenant Tobias?
00:23:13 Yes.
00:23:14 Yeah, well, I was out of pocket for six months with that.
00:23:16 You did not go undercover.
00:23:19 Your name is not Joe Mannix, Mr. Ohanian.
00:23:21 It's Creekore Ohanian.
00:23:22 You live in Fresno, and you make cheap white wine.
00:23:24 Wait, wait, wait.
00:23:26 You said it was going to be like Reds.
00:23:28 What part does Warren Beatty play?
00:23:31 No, he's not in it,
00:23:35 but I'm using eyewitnesses like in the movie Reds.
00:23:40 You get me Warren Beatty as an eyewitness,
00:23:44 we got a movie.
00:23:49 You have any other casting in place, you talk to George, he's my eyes and my ears.
00:23:55 Is he coming back?
00:23:58 [car horn honking]
00:24:01 [water splashing]
00:24:04 How did you put a blind guy in the movie business?
00:24:07 It's an advantage.
00:24:08 First of all, nobody reads scripts anymore.
00:24:10 They get these kids from UCLA to do that.
00:24:13 Secondly, if he can't see, there's little chance he'll take his boss's job.
00:24:19 Though, on the other hand,
00:24:23 if he was also deaf, his chances could improve.
00:24:26 Does everyone have a yes man?
00:24:29 Some have no men.
00:24:31 Most have a we'll get back to you man.
00:24:33 Here.
00:24:35 Let me give you this guy's number.
00:24:37 I used to know him.
00:24:38 He's okay, I gave him his first shot.
00:24:41 You just call him, all right?
00:24:43 Lou Bracken.
00:24:45 Is he still alive?
00:24:47 He called you, didn't he?
00:24:50 Hmm.
00:24:52 Comes from Cuba.
00:24:54 I can make my whole movie for the price of five of those.
00:24:56 Is that legal?
00:24:59 Cuba Gooding.
00:25:01 So need a money, baby.
00:25:04 [laughing]
00:25:06 So, uh, where were we?
00:25:09 Your cousin Jimmy--
00:25:11 Jimmy was spending his days watching TV and bemoaning Miranda.
00:25:14 You're right.
00:25:16 Should be separate, you know?
00:25:17 I'm better off out of that house than still living with that emotional carnival freak.
00:25:21 She's a sideshow.
00:25:23 It's a really nice house, though.
00:25:28 I'm an idiot, but I still dig it.
00:25:31 Check it out.
00:25:32 Turn it up.
00:25:33 Try it.
00:25:34 I'm not addicted.
00:25:39 I'm addicted of the grisly murder of his 69-year-old grandmother, Sally Gag.
00:25:41 ♪ McLintock's Peach ♪
00:25:43 ♪ They can't beat, beat ♪
00:25:45 ♪ You'll say that's neat ♪
00:25:46 ♪ The best on peach I could ever eat ♪
00:25:48 ♪ So we don't mean to preach ♪
00:25:49 ♪ But we do impeach you to try one ♪
00:25:51 ♪ McLintock's Peach ♪
00:25:53 Once they saw the commercial, they decided to target McLintock's.
00:25:56 Okay, this is Karen, all right?
00:25:58 She's a friend of mine.
00:26:00 Karen used to work at McLintock's.
00:26:01 Why she quit, that's not important either.
00:26:03 Here's the candy.
00:26:05 Karen says they deposit the money to the bank every Monday afternoon.
00:26:08 No.
00:26:09 Yeah.
00:26:10 So I figure we go in there on a Monday morning.
00:26:11 That's a week's worth of business in that register.
00:26:13 How hard can this be?
00:26:14 Register full of cash, no security.
00:26:16 I figure we walk in, grab the money, walk out, just like those guys did.
00:26:19 Coffee Karen figures almost $50,000.
00:26:21 Even as Jimmy and Virus plotted the robbery,
00:26:23 it seemed that their feelings against McLintock's had found some public support.
00:26:27 How dare the McLintocks invoke God to sell their peaches.
00:26:31 They are the most self-righteous, pretentious con artists this town has ever seen.
00:26:35 I could spit on them.
00:26:37 McLintock's peaches?
00:26:39 They taste just like my mom's.
00:26:42 These eyewitnesses, you shot them already, right?
00:26:45 Oh, yeah, in the can.
00:26:47 And there's a lot more than what you've heard.
00:26:50 Mm-hmm.
00:26:52 So, uh, who do you see as the peach expert?
00:26:58 Oh, the real peach expert himself.
00:27:01 The real one I already shot in the film.
00:27:04 Okay, let's get this straight.
00:27:06 Everyone, I don't care who they are,
00:27:08 wants to get their hands on some of these peaches,
00:27:10 especially if they've ever tasted McLintock's peach.
00:27:13 I mean everyone, okay?
00:27:16 Oh.
00:27:18 Let's see.
00:27:20 Euro trash.
00:27:22 Sunscreen?
00:27:25 I think-- I think perhaps you should think younger.
00:27:30 Maybe...
00:27:33 Ben Stiller as the peach expert.
00:27:38 Well, whatever happened to authenticity?
00:27:41 Authenticity is for CNN.
00:27:44 Ben Stiller is for movies.
00:27:47 Cheers.
00:27:49 Maybe you're right.
00:27:52 [sighs]
00:27:54 Well, think about it.
00:27:57 Okay.
00:27:59 Think about Ben.
00:28:01 Okay, get this straight.
00:28:03 Everybody, I don't care who it is,
00:28:05 wants to get their hands on some of those peaches
00:28:07 if they've ever tasted McLintock peach, okay?
00:28:10 Ben Stiller.
00:28:12 Hmm?
00:28:14 Okay, get this straight.
00:28:16 Everybody, I don't care who it is,
00:28:18 wants to get their hands on some of those peaches
00:28:21 if they've ever tasted McLintock peach, okay?
00:28:24 Ben Stiller.
00:28:26 Okay, get this straight.
00:28:28 Everybody, I don't care who it is,
00:28:30 wants to get their hands on some of those peaches
00:28:32 if they've ever tasted McLintock peach, okay?
00:28:34 Much better. Now continue.
00:28:36 Well...
00:28:38 The sea for Robbie McLintock's was planted,
00:28:41 but Jimmy was torn, confused.
00:28:45 Between his unrequited love for Miranda
00:28:48 and the adrenaline rush from the robbery,
00:28:51 Jimmy was an emotional, vulnerable,
00:28:55 incredibly hurt boy.
00:28:59 He was riding a manic-depressive roller coaster.
00:29:02 Very deep, deep lows.
00:29:08 And manic, sexy highs.
00:29:13 Very manic highs.
00:29:15 Excuse me. I'm just gonna put this over here.
00:29:19 Virus wasn't any help.
00:29:21 He was always testing Jimmy
00:29:23 with ridiculous, hypothetical questions.
00:29:25 You were their camp counselor.
00:29:27 I certainly was.
00:29:29 And I'm here to say that these boys were not evil or vicious.
00:29:32 Oh, they weren't geniuses, to be sure.
00:29:34 But they had convictions, they had values.
00:29:36 Hey, I got one for you.
00:29:38 If you had to blow some guy, who would it be?
00:29:40 Excuse me?
00:29:42 If you had to blow some guy, who would you pick?
00:29:44 I don't have to blow some guy.
00:29:46 Yeah, I know you don't have to, but if you did, who would it be?
00:29:49 I try not to entertain that thought,
00:29:51 and I don't think it's healthy when you do it.
00:29:53 Come on, entertain me for a second.
00:29:55 I got a gun to your head.
00:29:57 Well, if they got a gun to my head,
00:29:59 odds are I'll be blowing one of them.
00:30:01 You're missing my point.
00:30:03 Your point? I didn't realize there was a point.
00:30:05 Forget about it, all right?
00:30:07 All right, who are they, friends of yours?
00:30:09 No.
00:30:10 No, no, look, they're just guys, all right?
00:30:12 They're like bored frat guys.
00:30:14 They're out on a drink in Ben's, looking for something to do,
00:30:16 and somebody gave them a gun.
00:30:18 I give up. Who do I want to blow?
00:30:20 I don't know. See, neither do I.
00:30:22 You see, that was an essential part of their relationship,
00:30:25 the conflict between fantasy and reality.
00:30:29 Yeah, well, blowjobs are great,
00:30:31 but not between two guys.
00:30:33 This isn't about sex. That's not the point.
00:30:36 Wrong.
00:30:38 Here's the point.
00:30:40 Sex.
00:30:42 You got to have sex.
00:30:44 Real sex.
00:30:46 Sexy sex.
00:30:49 What sex? Between a guy and a gal.
00:30:53 Real sex?
00:30:55 Yeah, like Baywatch.
00:30:59 Baywatch. That's it.
00:31:03 Make it all happen at the beach.
00:31:06 Picture. You reshoot all the witnesses at the beach.
00:31:10 You change the robbery to the beach.
00:31:13 Then you make Miranda a sexy, sexy lifeguard.
00:31:18 And you send it to me, sealed with a kiss,
00:31:22 and I'll get back to you.
00:31:24 All he wanted was sex, sex, sex.
00:31:28 Really? Ooh. That's three sexes.
00:31:31 I always knew he was ambitious.
00:31:33 This is very discouraging.
00:31:35 You ready to give up already?
00:31:37 I thought you were a toughie.
00:31:39 I thought you had crust like me.
00:31:41 That's what I always liked about you.
00:31:43 It's not exactly what I expected.
00:31:45 What did you expect?
00:31:47 The first time you meet them,
00:31:49 they're going to give you money to make you fuck a movie?
00:31:53 Come here. Come here.
00:31:55 Look, this is a tough town.
00:31:57 You've got to pay your dues.
00:31:59 Sweetheart, sit down.
00:32:02 [sighs]
00:32:04 It just seems like everyone wants to make a different movie
00:32:08 than the one that I want to make.
00:32:10 So what? That's the town.
00:32:12 Everybody is a critic.
00:32:14 They go to screens and they say,
00:32:16 "Why wasn't so-and-so in that part?
00:32:18 "Why can't the ending be different?"
00:32:20 Come here.
00:32:22 I'm going to set you up with Gus Schnuck, the king of schlock.
00:32:25 He's not quite right for your picture, but he's not a critic.
00:32:28 He wouldn't even pretend to know good from bad.
00:32:31 Come on in. Come on in.
00:32:33 What do you mean you never heard of a topless toga?
00:32:36 What difference does it make?
00:32:38 That woman's knockers are so big, you couldn't cover them anyway.
00:32:41 Hiya, tots. Look, Harry, I'm sorry.
00:32:43 We're going to have to talk about this later.
00:32:45 I got a meeting now. Yeah, okay, bye.
00:32:48 Have a seat, please. Sit down.
00:32:50 Meet my assistant.
00:32:52 He started one of my worst pictures.
00:32:54 Fuck you.
00:32:56 You watch your mouth, you little shit.
00:32:58 The picture was terrible, but it made a fortune.
00:33:01 He thinks he should get all the money.
00:33:03 I'm a star. I'm a star.
00:33:05 Shut up.
00:33:07 That's a beautiful bird. Thank you.
00:33:09 So, pick up where you left off.
00:33:11 You're making this movie now about an armed robbery,
00:33:13 the American dream, your cousin Jimmy.
00:33:15 Around that time, almost everyone was talking about McClintock's peach.
00:33:19 Peaches are good for you. They're healthy.
00:33:21 Go to any health food store, they'll tell you.
00:33:23 Peaches are number one, and these, kissed by God.
00:33:26 I hate peaches.
00:33:28 Not just McClintock's peaches, but all peaches.
00:33:31 After all, if there weren't any peaches,
00:33:34 Dwayne Allman would be alive today.
00:33:36 The whole town had the fruit syndrome
00:33:39 that infected everyone, particularly Jimmy and Virus.
00:33:44 You could say that Virus caught a Virus.
00:33:46 [laughing]
00:33:51 Excuse me, young lady. Is the owner in?
00:33:54 Oh, good Lord broke the mold with you two.
00:33:58 Well, I'll just put in a French loaf
00:34:04 and a couple muffins for you.
00:34:10 Miranda was in earlier.
00:34:14 Huh.
00:34:16 Why don't you just quit your fussing and marry that girl?
00:34:19 I did.
00:34:21 Oh.
00:34:23 And you, you ought to get yourself a steady,
00:34:27 because you're going to catch something that won't wash off.
00:34:31 You don't want to grow old alone.
00:34:34 No, ma'am.
00:34:36 $3.35.
00:34:46 When I lost Walter, my life went into a tailspin.
00:34:51 I really do miss that man.
00:34:53 You know, we did such good business here
00:34:56 before McClintock's opened.
00:34:58 Can't compete with that God-kissed peach.
00:35:02 Hi. McClintock's.
00:35:04 Well, McClintock's is really the lifeblood of this town.
00:35:08 You know, in large part, that's because of these peaches.
00:35:12 These are some of the best peaches in the world.
00:35:14 They're really kind of God-kissed, you know?
00:35:17 Listen, they pump the revenue right into this city.
00:35:20 So, you get that?
00:35:22 You see, the thing is, every city, every major city
00:35:25 has that one special attraction.
00:35:27 You know, New York has the Statue of Liberty
00:35:29 and San Antonio has the Alamo.
00:35:32 We have peaches.
00:35:34 Now, this peach...
00:35:37 Did you get that? Are we in?
00:35:39 This peach was eaten by President Ronald Reagan.
00:35:45 He came to this city just for the peaches.
00:35:49 Actually, well, I think actually he was lost.
00:35:53 The point is that he took one bite of that peach
00:35:57 and, well, he had to leave.
00:35:59 But I was fortunate because I grabbed that peach
00:36:02 before he left, and...
00:36:05 It's a little rotted now, you can probably see.
00:36:07 But those are his actual teeth marks.
00:36:11 I'm pretty sure they were his real teeth.
00:36:14 Excuse me, Sarah.
00:36:16 Who do you see as a peach expert?
00:36:18 Ben Stiller.
00:36:19 What are you, a casting director?
00:36:21 That's exactly who I saw.
00:36:23 Really? Go on.
00:36:25 Ben Stiller. Ben Stiller.
00:36:28 Not you, you dummy. Her.
00:36:30 Please.
00:36:31 Fuck you. I'm a star. Ben Stiller.
00:36:34 You're right on the edge. You're gonna get it.
00:36:37 I'm sorry. Please, go ahead.
00:36:39 As I was saying, by now,
00:36:41 Jimmy and Byers had zeroed in on the Clint talks,
00:36:44 but they were still afraid of getting caught.
00:36:46 I feel really good about the plan.
00:36:49 I really, you know, feel good about the whole thing.
00:36:51 But I also feel like we're gonna get caught.
00:36:53 No! Do not do that. Do not do that.
00:36:55 Look, I feel like...
00:36:56 I'm serious! Don't think that way.
00:36:58 Look, I'm just saying...
00:36:59 Uh-uh!
00:37:00 (shouting)
00:37:01 No!
00:37:02 You really don't get it, do you?
00:37:04 Listen up, skater, I'm gonna tell you once.
00:37:06 If you think it, it will happen.
00:37:08 Well, now, this Jimmy, could he go psycho
00:37:10 like De Niro did at the end of "Taxi Driver"?
00:37:12 You know, I mean, that's something I could sell.
00:37:14 Uh, no.
00:37:15 But he could.
00:37:16 But he didn't.
00:37:17 But you're writing it, so he could.
00:37:18 But it's a true story, so he didn't.
00:37:20 Didn't? Aw!
00:37:21 Watch it. Watch it.
00:37:22 Fuck you! Fuck me! Fuck you!
00:37:25 Teach him one bad word, and he goes nuts.
00:37:27 Now, what about music?
00:37:28 This Byers, he could be a musician, you know?
00:37:30 Kids love music.
00:37:31 I mean, soundtracks can put a movie into black
00:37:33 even if it's a turkey, you know?
00:37:35 Turkey!
00:37:36 I got the music in me.
00:37:39 I can feel it.
00:37:40 I just gotta find it.
00:37:42 We all do.
00:37:44 No, we all don't.
00:37:45 What you're feeling, you see, there's a euphoria
00:37:47 that comes along with believing your own bullshit.
00:37:49 That's what you're feeling, not the music in you.
00:37:52 Well...
00:37:54 We muck what we don't understand.
00:37:58 You see, because the music, she's my lady.
00:38:02 She's my muse.
00:38:06 But she's got a whole lot of mean up under that skirt of hers.
00:38:11 She taunts me.
00:38:12 Sits at the end of the bar, and just before we lock eyes,
00:38:15 she's gone.
00:38:16 She's like a cold cup of coffee.
00:38:20 Sweet, sweet music.
00:38:23 Jimmy and Byers had meticulously planned the robbery
00:38:25 with detail and precision,
00:38:27 asking all the tough questions.
00:38:29 What does a professional robber need for a robbery?
00:38:31 You need a car and you need guns, that's about it.
00:38:33 Mayonnaise?
00:38:34 I can get a car, but what about guns?
00:38:36 Pepsi?
00:38:37 Please.
00:38:38 I can get guns.
00:38:39 You can get guns.
00:38:40 I can get guns.
00:38:41 You can get a car.
00:38:42 I'll get guns.
00:38:43 You can get a car.
00:38:45 I can get guns.
00:38:46 Then we got a car and we got guns.
00:38:48 Sandwich?
00:38:50 Car, guns, masks.
00:38:55 And she's like, "Oh, I had trouble parking."
00:38:58 It's like there's hella parking outside.
00:39:00 This is your idea for getting a car?
00:39:02 What's your problem?
00:39:04 I can rent a car and get guns, all right?
00:39:06 Can you get guns, Nathan?
00:39:08 Don't talk about guns.
00:39:12 Sorry.
00:39:14 Not to be sorry, but don't talk about guns.
00:39:18 I mean, I would like to meet Old Sue sometime.
00:39:21 She's a liar.
00:39:22 Some people lie, and she's a liar.
00:39:24 And she said--you remember when she was gone?
00:39:27 She said she had--
00:39:28 Bitch was in Hawaii.
00:39:30 I know she was because she came back with a can,
00:39:33 and she was not taking cigarettes.
00:39:35 She was smoking weed.
00:39:36 Because I know what weed smells like.
00:39:38 No, that's not the point.
00:39:40 Weed smells like--no, weed--it's kind of like sour apple,
00:39:45 and it's also kind of like butter.
00:39:48 It's kind of like butter and pie.
00:39:50 You know like pie?
00:39:51 No, not pie.
00:39:52 Pie.
00:39:53 The point is you don't smoke weed at work.
00:39:56 You can smoke weed anywhere.
00:39:58 You can smoke it on your time.
00:39:59 You don't smoke weed on my time.
00:40:00 You don't--oh, I'm sorry.
00:40:03 I'm sorry.
00:40:04 I'm sorry.
00:40:05 I'll call you back.
00:40:07 Houselord, can I help you?
00:40:09 Yes, good afternoon.
00:40:11 We were quite taken with the cap and amonti we saw outside.
00:40:14 Is that considered a midsize?
00:40:18 [typing]
00:40:26 I know how it's spelled.
00:40:28 Of course you do.
00:40:29 [typing]
00:40:34 Which car?
00:40:35 Driver's license, yes.
00:40:37 Not on me.
00:40:39 You're going to rent a car.
00:40:41 It's so funny to me.
00:40:43 How is that funny?
00:40:44 We can't rent.
00:40:46 We don't have money to rent.
00:40:47 You don't need money to rent.
00:40:48 You pay when you return.
00:40:50 What if we don't get money?
00:40:51 Then we don't return.
00:40:53 That's what they got insurance for.
00:40:55 Insurance is bullshit.
00:40:56 Good hands, hand job.
00:40:58 Reach around, bullshit.
00:41:00 I still don't see how renting is funny.
00:41:03 Well, it's not funny.
00:41:04 It's cheating.
00:41:05 Funny and cheating are synonyms.
00:41:07 Whatever.
00:41:08 Whatever.
00:41:09 Good response.
00:41:10 I guess you win.
00:41:12 I'll just get Miranda's car.
00:41:13 She's pissed at you.
00:41:15 We need a car.
00:41:16 Why don't they steal a car?
00:41:17 I mean, all they do is talk.
00:41:19 Not enough action.
00:41:20 Too much talk.
00:41:21 Talk, talk, talk.
00:41:22 I warned you.
00:41:23 You shut up now.
00:41:25 Look, where's the action?
00:41:26 The car chases, the boards, the--
00:41:28 The IRS.
00:41:29 I told you never, never to mention that.
00:41:33 The IRS, the IRS.
00:41:35 All right, that's it.
00:41:36 Now I'm going to get you.
00:41:39 [crash]
00:41:41 Miss me, miss me.
00:41:43 The parrot's got his number.
00:41:46 The parrot picture made him big money.
00:41:49 So he's afraid the parrot's going to rat him out to the IRS.
00:41:52 But he can't kill him because he needs him for the sequel.
00:41:55 Is everybody in this town nuts?
00:41:57 90%.
00:42:00 I got a new strategy for us.
00:42:03 This lady gave me my last job, right?
00:42:05 She's now big executive networks.
00:42:08 I don't know.
00:42:10 This could work as a movie of the week docudrama.
00:42:14 Darling, I can't make it a moment before 9.
00:42:17 OK.
00:42:19 Go on.
00:42:20 With Jimmy and Byers only days away from the robbery,
00:42:22 it was clear there was only one thing they could do to stop them.
00:42:26 Themselves.
00:42:27 Stop right there.
00:42:30 Do you have any stars attached?
00:42:32 No.
00:42:34 Then you're going to need a strong female lead.
00:42:37 This woman, is she more than just a run-of-the-mill wife,
00:42:40 girlfriend, mistress, hooker with a heart of gold?
00:42:42 You want a chick flick?
00:42:44 I'll give you a chick flick.
00:42:46 Oh, she's strong all right.
00:42:48 And there's a lot more where that came from.
00:42:50 I told you, Jimmy, get the fuck out of here!
00:42:52 I'm serious!
00:42:54 Get out!
00:42:55 So she's strong.
00:42:58 What about love?
00:43:00 Is she in love?
00:43:01 Oh, there's love.
00:43:03 I got robbed the other day.
00:43:05 You deserve it!
00:43:06 Now just get out!
00:43:07 You're right, I promise.
00:43:08 I'm going to change, Puddin'.
00:43:09 I promise.
00:43:10 Wait, what did you just call me?
00:43:11 Puddin'.
00:43:12 Puddin'?
00:43:13 No, no, no.
00:43:14 You don't have the right to call me Puddin'.
00:43:15 No more Puddin'.
00:43:16 OK?
00:43:17 It used to be cute.
00:43:18 It's not cute anymore, Jimmy.
00:43:19 What's not cute about Puddin'?
00:43:21 Puddin'.
00:43:22 That's cute.
00:43:23 Puddin'.
00:43:24 Shut up!
00:43:26 All right, look, Jimmy, I can't take this anymore, OK?
00:43:29 It's been like a year, right?
00:43:31 You watch videos all night, you sleep all day,
00:43:33 you can't hang out with fires.
00:43:34 I need more, you know that?
00:43:35 So just leave me be, OK?
00:43:37 Do us both a favor, just get out of my life.
00:43:40 I need to borrow the car.
00:43:46 What?
00:43:47 I need to borrow the car.
00:43:49 Well, no, you can't borrow my car.
00:43:53 Your car?
00:43:54 Yeah, my car.
00:43:55 The car.
00:43:57 You're so fucking gangly.
00:43:59 Oh.
00:44:00 You are so beautiful.
00:44:02 Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:44:04 What are you doing?
00:44:05 Get away.
00:44:06 I've missed you so much.
00:44:07 I don't give a fuck.
00:44:08 I have somebody over here.
00:44:09 You can't come and--
00:44:10 Don't touch me.
00:44:12 Makes me want to puke when you touch me.
00:44:15 Get the fuck off me.
00:44:17 They're star-crossed lovers, and they're sex.
00:44:30 Damn.
00:44:31 So, can I get those guns now?
00:44:48 I hope Jennifer told you I don't deal in any of that
00:44:55 Saturday night special nonsense.
00:44:57 I've got clean, out of state, barely been used product.
00:45:04 High resale value.
00:45:07 Now--
00:45:08 Yeah?
00:45:09 They might seem a little big, but they're not.
00:45:13 You show me some patience, I get you a Smith & Wesson .38.
00:45:17 Basically, snub-nosed service revolvers get the job done.
00:45:20 .38s are not as big as these.
00:45:23 Yeah.
00:45:26 Hello, ladies.
00:45:29 You laughing at me, huh?
00:45:38 You laughing at me?
00:45:39 What am I, a clown?
00:45:40 Do I amuse you?
00:45:41 I'm funny now, huh?
00:45:42 You must be laughing at me.
00:45:43 I don't see anybody else around here.
00:45:44 You're mixing your movies, dipshit.
00:45:46 What?
00:45:47 You're mixing your movies.
00:45:49 Oh, no.
00:45:50 How the fuck do I amuse you, huh?
00:45:53 That's Joe Pesci.
00:45:54 No, Pesci wouldn't in "Taxi Driver."
00:45:56 That's what I'm saying.
00:45:57 You're mixing your movies.
00:45:59 No, I'm not.
00:46:01 Whatever.
00:46:02 Whatever.
00:46:03 Good response.
00:46:04 I guess you win.
00:46:05 You know, Jennifer said you'd have 32 revolvers, so--
00:46:10 What?
00:46:12 Jennifer told me earlier that you have 32 revolvers.
00:46:15 Jennifer told me earlier you'd have 32 revolvers.
00:46:17 Jennifer told me earlier you'd have 32 revolvers.
00:46:19 Jennifer told me earlier you'd have 32 revolvers.
00:46:21 Well, guess what, ass face?
00:46:23 I'm doing you a favor.
00:46:24 I could get rid of these guns for at least $300 apiece tonight.
00:46:30 You know what?
00:46:31 I'll take those.
00:46:32 Yeah, yeah, you will.
00:46:33 $600, first of the month.
00:46:34 Don't make me come looking for you.
00:46:35 Kiss.
00:46:37 Great.
00:46:38 I'm keeping the jacket.
00:46:39 You're going to keep the jacket, great.
00:46:41 Go on, get out of here.
00:46:43 I got work to do.
00:46:46 So, we have sex, love, a felony, and guns.
00:46:55 I love guns.
00:46:58 But I'm not sure I buy the bit about getting the guns from the girlfriend.
00:47:03 Oh, well, I interviewed a gun expert.
00:47:07 Oh.
00:47:09 I'm all ears.
00:47:11 Tell me more.
00:47:12 You should buy from a licensed dealer like me.
00:47:16 But you can get guns anyway.
00:47:18 You want to feel one?
00:47:21 Well, you don't have cold steel relaxant against the fleshy part of your finger.
00:47:28 And you just ain't lying.
00:47:30 It's hard, shiny, and has beautiful curls.
00:47:35 And it won't yell at you in your bed.
00:47:37 And it won't spank you for talking back.
00:47:40 You know, and it's your friend.
00:47:43 Your best friend.
00:47:46 You want to hold one?
00:47:50 You know, guns are what made this country great.
00:47:54 Don't you agree?
00:47:57 Come on, feel it.
00:47:59 I'd rather not.
00:48:00 I don't believe in guns.
00:48:03 Well, you know, you don't know what it's like until you touch the love shaft of Mr. Smith and Mr. West.
00:48:09 Actually, being a girl, it's all right for me not to be into guns.
00:48:14 What do you mean, being a girl?
00:48:16 That's all the more reason you need one.
00:48:18 All these crazies in the streets.
00:48:20 You want to be raped?
00:48:21 No.
00:48:22 You carry a gun, and you hold it in your arms, and you suck on the barrel like a child.
00:48:28 Mama's titties.
00:48:30 I really don't want to do this.
00:48:32 Watch out!
00:48:34 Oh.
00:48:37 That must have been heaven.
00:48:41 What?
00:48:43 Feeling the gun and actually having it go off in your hand.
00:48:50 Well, actually, it scared me to death.
00:48:55 You mean you don't like guns?
00:49:03 Does that mean you don't want me to continue?
00:49:10 Eight.
00:49:11 Did I mention I saw Ben Stiller as the peach expert?
00:49:14 Love you, too, darling.
00:49:16 Bye.
00:49:22 Maybe we should go the indie route.
00:49:24 You can't get a studio picture made these days without big stars.
00:49:27 Yet, that has nothing to do with whether the film makes money or loses money.
00:49:30 It's all about keeping your job.
00:49:32 What do you mean?
00:49:33 Well, let's say you got a terrific script, right?
00:49:36 But you put two morons, Jimmy and Virus, in it, right?
00:49:39 No studio's going to go for that.
00:49:40 Why?
00:49:41 Because the film loses money.
00:49:42 Then the executive who gave it the green light is going to lose his job.
00:49:45 On the other hand, you get Tom Hanks or whoever else is the flavor of the money.
00:49:49 Then the film tanks.
00:49:51 It's Tom Hanks' fault.
00:49:52 Or, even better yet, the director.
00:49:54 I've got Ben Stiller.
00:49:56 Oh.
00:49:57 Very nice.
00:49:58 That's good.
00:49:59 That's a start.
00:50:00 What do I do?
00:50:01 Hold on a second.
00:50:03 Yeah.
00:50:05 Oh, Phil, yeah, look, I got my--
00:50:08 No, no, no, I know we got business.
00:50:11 Uh, Phil, hold on for a second, okay?
00:50:14 Listen, this is a wrong shot.
00:50:16 Yeah, I'll call you right back.
00:50:17 Just stay where you are.
00:50:18 Don't move, okay?
00:50:19 Bye.
00:50:23 I don't know why I didn't think about this before.
00:50:25 That's my bookie.
00:50:26 He's got a network.
00:50:27 He puts money in a lot of independent movies.
00:50:29 Your bookie?
00:50:30 Uh-huh.
00:50:31 Well, he books for all the writers.
00:50:32 A good friend of mine couldn't pay him, right?
00:50:35 So he gave him his script.
00:50:36 The picture became a huge hit.
00:50:38 The guy is now hooked on movies.
00:50:41 Hi.
00:50:42 I'm Sarah Wilder.
00:50:43 I'm here to see Phil Phillips.
00:50:46 Hey, Phil, I'm Miss Sarah Wilder here to see you.
00:50:50 Send her in.
00:50:51 Go ahead.
00:50:53 [car engine starts]
00:50:55 Sarah Wilder.
00:51:01 Any friend of Lou's is a friend of mine.
00:51:03 Actually, I'm his niece.
00:51:04 I know that.
00:51:05 So Lou told me a little bit about this picture.
00:51:07 Are there any cars in it?
00:51:09 Yes.
00:51:12 Yeah, you did.
00:51:17 You know, Blue Smoke played with Gertrude Grant's boys.
00:51:19 Really?
00:51:20 Yeah, he could have.
00:51:22 [singing]
00:51:24 Somebody's got the music in them.
00:51:28 Not anymore.
00:51:29 Let's see them.
00:51:31 Just drive.
00:51:33 I'm doing stuff over here you couldn't even comprehend.
00:51:36 Beretta 9mm?
00:51:38 This makes it official.
00:51:40 Oh, yeah.
00:51:41 For crooks.
00:51:42 That's cool.
00:51:44 .45, lucky.
00:51:46 That's an expensive gun.
00:51:48 Two things nicer than an expensive gun.
00:51:50 That'd be your Swiss watch and your pretty girl.
00:51:52 What's that pretty girl's name?
00:51:53 Is it pretty?
00:51:54 Is it pretty?
00:51:55 Yeah, Jolly, yeah, Jolly, down the ditch, Jolly, Jolly,
00:51:57 down the ditch now, Jolly.
00:51:58 [tires screech]
00:52:01 That never happens again.
00:52:04 Never.
00:52:09 We live and die by the risk of the heist.
00:52:10 What?
00:52:11 We live and die by the risk of the heist.
00:52:13 What does that mean?
00:52:15 Now, nothing.
00:52:18 How'd they get this car?
00:52:20 It was Miranda's car, Jimmy's wife.
00:52:23 They didn't steal it or jack it?
00:52:25 No.
00:52:26 Let me get this straight.
00:52:28 They're planning a robbery, and they're gonna use a car
00:52:31 that belongs to his wife?
00:52:32 What, are they idiots?
00:52:34 They aren't the two brightest guys in the world.
00:52:37 Hero.
00:52:38 Okay, good one.
00:52:39 Uh, we get in there, and there's a dumb guy
00:52:41 who wants to be a hero.
00:52:42 Okay, how dumb are we talking?
00:52:44 Everything's going as planned, right?
00:52:46 Smooth as silk, just like clockwork.
00:52:48 All of a sudden, some guy hops up off the floor
00:52:50 and figures, "Hey, this is a good time
00:52:51 to get in the newspapers.
00:52:52 I'll foil this robbery.
00:52:53 I'm a hero!
00:52:54 I'm a hero!
00:52:55 React!"
00:52:56 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
00:52:58 All right, you better just dial it down, all right?
00:53:00 Just dial it down, numbnuts,
00:53:01 before Mr. Thundermaker starts shitting some bullets.
00:53:05 [clicks tongue]
00:53:08 [phone buzzes]
00:53:12 Don't worry, pick another one.
00:53:14 This is going great.
00:53:15 You're doing well.
00:53:16 Thank you.
00:53:17 Pregnant woman's water poops.
00:53:19 Pops.
00:53:20 Pops.
00:53:21 Pregnant woman's water poops.
00:53:22 [clattering]
00:53:25 Oh, my God!
00:53:26 I'm having my baby!
00:53:28 I'm having my baby!
00:53:30 Blanket of napalm.
00:53:33 [coughing]
00:53:39 Yes.
00:53:41 Morons.
00:53:42 This picture's about two morons.
00:53:44 Jimmy and Byrus had practiced
00:53:46 and rehearsed the robbery for days.
00:53:48 It was the hardest work they'd done since, well, ever.
00:53:51 And there was no turning back.
00:53:53 This was it, their moment of truth.
00:53:55 We just parked the car.
00:53:56 We walked the block, the location.
00:53:57 We walked slow.
00:53:58 We're just two guys walking.
00:53:59 What if we see cops?
00:54:00 It doesn't matter.
00:54:01 We're just two guys walking.
00:54:02 We're just two guys that happen to be walking.
00:54:03 We determine the area's secure.
00:54:04 Then we move forward.
00:54:05 We're at the entrance.
00:54:06 We pull out the guns.
00:54:07 We run in, we grab the money, we run out.
00:54:08 How long are we gonna be there?
00:54:09 Two minutes.
00:54:10 Two minutes tops.
00:54:11 Not two and a half, not three.
00:54:12 Two minutes.
00:54:13 Let's try one.
00:54:14 [music playing]
00:54:30 You ready?
00:54:31 Candy from a baby.
00:54:32 On your mark, get set, go.
00:54:37 [cash register]
00:54:41 What's the name of this store, please?
00:54:44 McClintock's Grocery.
00:54:47 Thank you.
00:54:48 We're here.
00:54:49 They've just done some remodeling.
00:54:51 That's nice.
00:54:52 [screaming]
00:54:53 Not necessary.
00:54:54 All right, listen up, people.
00:54:56 This is a robbery.
00:54:58 We don't want any trouble.
00:54:59 So if you want to be stupid, let's do it now and get it over with.
00:55:05 Look, nobody plays tough guy but me, all right?
00:55:08 We have a gun and we got a car, OK?
00:55:12 So we live and die by the risk of the height.
00:55:14 Hey, fellas, there's no need for all the shouting.
00:55:18 If you're here for the peaches, I'm
00:55:20 sure we can work something out.
00:55:22 I think I'm speaking for the group
00:55:24 when I say nobody here wants to take a bullet.
00:55:28 I know I don't.
00:55:29 Hey, you need to do some shopping?
00:55:31 Great time.
00:55:34 Look, he's cool.
00:55:35 Let's go, huh?
00:55:36 Just like we planned.
00:55:37 Look, wipe that Curly Joe smile off your stupid melon
00:55:39 and just open the register.
00:55:41 You don't have to take that, Lawrence.
00:55:43 Shut up.
00:55:44 You apron-wearing, fake-toothed, pie-baking wanderer.
00:55:47 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, come on.
00:55:48 You don't have to be mean.
00:55:49 They'll do what we say.
00:55:50 We got guns.
00:55:52 Back off, you beanpole, Ichabod Crane motherfucker.
00:55:55 I don't remember rehearsing this part.
00:55:57 This whole thing was your idea.
00:55:58 So if I don't meet your expectations
00:55:59 of what a professional grocery store robber should be,
00:56:01 I'd like to take this time to apologize
00:56:04 in front of all the fine folks here at McClintock's.
00:56:06 Hey, everybody!
00:56:07 Peach is on me!
00:56:12 Hey, uh, well, we're a little behind,
00:56:17 but we're still professionals.
00:56:18 We deserve better than this.
00:56:20 No, you don't.
00:56:22 But you know what does?
00:56:23 This cow!
00:56:25 This cow deserves better than this.
00:56:27 You and your big McClintock's market.
00:56:30 I got raw meat, and I am crazy,
00:56:32 so let's make for that cash and coin, Colonel Tom.
00:56:34 I do it, he ain't right.
00:56:36 Come on, all of it.
00:56:37 Say two.
00:56:38 You want to pitch in and help out with that?
00:56:39 All right, now, see, this is why I wanted you to go to the--
00:56:42 There's no time for that, dear, now.
00:56:44 These fellas seem to be in a hurry.
00:56:45 No, you had to watch the dogs.
00:56:46 Let's all pitch in.
00:56:47 Come on, please, come on.
00:56:49 And there's a few more dollars we're gonna save
00:56:51 to give to the church,
00:56:52 but you might as well take the whole thing.
00:56:55 Thank you, ma'am.
00:56:59 Take us home.
00:57:01 Clean, that's it!
00:57:02 Let's go.
00:57:04 Now!
00:57:07 Thanks a lot, I appreciate it.
00:57:09 Morons.
00:57:10 These are the two dumbest guys I ever heard of.
00:57:12 It appeared the jimmy-in-virus had actually pulled off
00:57:15 a successful robbery without getting caught.
00:57:17 Anything to do with McClintock's was a big story in town.
00:57:21 So, tell us, were you at the robbery or not?
00:57:25 Yeah.
00:57:27 Yeah, I was there, okay?
00:57:29 Is that what you want to hear?
00:57:30 I was there in the store when the three guys
00:57:32 burst in wearing ski masks, pointing guns and shouting, okay?
00:57:36 We were there and I didn't see a lot.
00:57:39 Did you see a lot?
00:57:40 No, I didn't really see a lot.
00:57:42 No.
00:57:43 Well, I thought they were after the missus at first.
00:57:45 I didn't know what was going on.
00:57:47 My first thought, of course, was the peaches.
00:57:49 And then I thought the missus, because you never know
00:57:51 what two men like this, desperate, are gonna do
00:57:53 with a beautiful young woman like this.
00:57:55 You didn't get a good, see him, you know, a good eyeball of him,
00:57:59 if you will, you know, on account of the--
00:58:02 Circumstances.
00:58:03 Circumstances.
00:58:04 Yeah.
00:58:05 Who am I kidding the eye, you know?
00:58:07 Let's talk turkey, I'm a freak.
00:58:09 Well, I remember them.
00:58:10 I remember that day was really a bad day for me
00:58:12 because I was here by myself because somebody else
00:58:18 wasn't here with me, so it was all different.
00:58:20 So I remember that day was really distinctly--
00:58:23 I'd stick the peaches up my ass if it would do something, sir.
00:58:28 I'd have a whole crate up my rectal vault
00:58:30 if I admit that I didn't have this freaking eye.
00:58:35 Okay, I stole five peaches.
00:58:37 Is that it?
00:58:38 Is that what you want to hear?
00:58:39 I stole five peaches, all right?
00:58:41 What did you want me to do?
00:58:42 They were rolling around the floor like a bunch of alleys.
00:58:44 What was I supposed to do?
00:58:46 Everybody was taking them.
00:58:48 The Samoan took three.
00:58:51 Yeah, there was a Samoan.
00:58:53 Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
00:58:56 A really big Filipino.
00:58:59 Excuse me.
00:59:01 Mm-hmm.
00:59:02 Jack, yeah.
00:59:04 Mm-hmm.
00:59:05 Mm-hmm.
00:59:06 Mm-hmm.
00:59:07 Big Sky Gym in the fourth.
00:59:09 Mm-hmm.
00:59:10 Something fishy.
00:59:12 Okay.
00:59:13 No more action in the fourth!
00:59:17 Excuse me.
00:59:18 Anyway, the initial 48 hours after the robbery were crucial.
00:59:21 How Jimmy and Byrus would act
00:59:23 would either mean a successful getaway or prison.
00:59:27 Do what?
00:59:28 Yeah, being pulled Ichabod Crane motherfucker.
00:59:35 Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that
00:59:39 because we should definitely discuss that.
00:59:41 Yeah.
00:59:42 Because I got really swept up in the moment,
00:59:46 and I'm not proud of it,
00:59:48 but the guy in that store standing on that counter
00:59:52 and just shouting, berating you,
00:59:55 and the guy sitting on this counter talking to you
01:00:01 are two different guys.
01:00:04 Where's the fella who done all the hollering,
01:00:06 loved to have a little chinwag with him?
01:00:10 Well, he asked me to tell you that he's sorry
01:00:14 and that he won't be coming around here anymore.
01:00:16 I know that much.
01:00:18 That you can--
01:00:21 And he also asked me...
01:00:26 To give you this.
01:00:29 No, but that.
01:00:30 That's what he was--
01:00:38 Maybe you shouldn't tell him thank you.
01:00:41 I definitely will.
01:00:43 And I would also like to take you out to dinner
01:00:46 or something like that, you know?
01:00:49 I can't even believe we're having this conversation.
01:00:51 Look me in the eye and tell me.
01:00:54 I've never, ever slept with Miranda.
01:00:58 I don't believe you.
01:01:01 I give up.
01:01:02 You give up because you know I'm right.
01:01:04 Do you honestly think that if I'd ever had sex with her,
01:01:07 even before we met, I wouldn't have brought it up?
01:01:14 That sucks.
01:01:15 Let's talk about something else.
01:01:17 No, no, not now.
01:01:19 Stop it.
01:01:20 Just put it out of your mind.
01:01:22 And think about Kennedy taking a bullet to the back of the head.
01:01:25 It's science, valid science.
01:01:27 It's been proven.
01:01:28 You're a dick.
01:01:29 I'm a dick.
01:01:30 You're a dick.
01:01:31 Then you're my balls.
01:01:32 Sunshine.
01:01:33 We can ask Dray.
01:01:34 Sean Connery.
01:01:38 Why Sean Connery?
01:01:40 It's the only answer.
01:01:41 How do you figure?
01:01:43 Okay.
01:01:47 You're out at some abandoned warehouse, right?
01:01:49 And these guys got a gun to your head
01:01:51 because you got to blow one of them.
01:01:53 Bring me Sean Connery.
01:01:55 Then, before you begin the actual blow,
01:01:57 you look up at Sean like,
01:01:59 "Okay, Sean, I'm going to give you the signal.
01:02:02 We drop these guys and get the hell out of here."
01:02:05 It's foolproof.
01:02:07 Yeah.
01:02:09 What if Sean's not with you?
01:02:11 At least you're blowing one of the greats, huh?
01:02:16 This is a fucked-up conversation.
01:02:18 Hey, Phil, somebody here to see you.
01:02:21 Who?
01:02:22 Frankie C.
01:02:23 Frankie C.?
01:02:24 Jesus Christ, send him back.
01:02:26 Frankie, you son of a bitch.
01:02:28 How you doing?
01:02:29 How's it going?
01:02:30 How's it going?
01:02:31 How's it going?
01:02:32 Say hello to Sarah.
01:02:34 I was just leaving.
01:02:35 No, no, you stay.
01:02:38 She's telling me about this movie.
01:02:40 She's got this movie idea.
01:02:41 You know, she's Lou's niece.
01:02:42 You remember Lou, nice guy, right?
01:02:44 She's telling me this story about her idiot cousin.
01:02:47 Go ahead, tell him.
01:02:49 They just knocked off a peach store.
01:02:51 Actually, it's a grocery store that specialized in peaches.
01:02:54 Whatever, whatever, go ahead.
01:02:56 [music playing]
01:02:59 You can't tell me you don't think about getting caught.
01:03:05 What are you doing?
01:03:07 I asked you not to do that.
01:03:08 You can't tell me you don't think about it.
01:03:10 Oh, that's great.
01:03:11 Thanks a lot.
01:03:12 You jinxed us.
01:03:13 That's-- man, sorry.
01:03:15 Get off him.
01:03:16 Don't-- don't touch me.
01:03:25 Where are you going?
01:03:26 I'm leaving.
01:03:27 You tainted the roof.
01:03:28 Now I can never come up here again.
01:03:29 And I paid my rent.
01:03:32 We're not jinxed.
01:03:35 Turn to the right.
01:03:36 When I first heard Jimmy was involved,
01:03:44 I didn't want to believe it.
01:03:47 I don't even know what you guys are doing here,
01:03:49 because Jimmy and I are completely done.
01:03:51 We were totally separated, so I don't really
01:03:53 have anything to tell you.
01:03:54 OK, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:04:01 So you're going to send those pictures to the cops?
01:04:04 Yeah, Jimmy's going to love this.
01:04:06 What are you kidding me?
01:04:07 The cops are looking all over for me, right?
01:04:09 So by sending them pictures, it shows I'm not scared.
01:04:12 It's the risk of the hunt, baby.
01:04:14 Do not baby me.
01:04:15 Are you insane?
01:04:16 They see the photos with me and you,
01:04:18 and they're going to put two and two together.
01:04:20 It's me they're after.
01:04:21 That's right.
01:04:22 I don't even know you.
01:04:23 That's right you don't know me.
01:04:24 Why are you advertising our affiliation?
01:04:28 Patty, Patty, sweet, innocent Patty.
01:04:31 Look, I want you to know that no matter what happens to me,
01:04:35 I'm not going to forget about you.
01:04:37 Where are you from?
01:04:38 What are you not understanding?
01:04:40 They see the photos with me on your lap.
01:04:43 God, I know this is tough for you.
01:04:46 You know, but I need you to stand tall and be strong
01:04:48 and know that no matter what happens, all right,
01:04:50 when a tear runs down your face, it's not a tear.
01:04:53 Okay, it's me just saying I love you.
01:04:55 Do you understand what I'm saying?
01:04:56 Okay, yeah, I think I get it now.
01:04:58 All right.
01:04:59 Okay, well, I got to run.
01:05:01 Pretty face.
01:05:03 [♪♪♪]
01:05:07 [♪♪♪]
01:05:12 [♪♪♪]
01:05:15 [phone ringing]
01:05:17 Hello?
01:05:18 Yes, who am I speaking with, please?
01:05:20 Well, hello, Officer Sturgis, this is Dick Panglin.
01:05:23 I need you to do me a favor, if you could.
01:05:25 Come and find me, you fat, donut-eating wife-beating,
01:05:28 sad excuse for a cop.
01:05:29 10-4, 10-4, 10-4.
01:05:31 [gunshot]
01:05:32 [gun cocks]
01:05:33 Take off the glasses.
01:05:36 [clattering]
01:05:42 Uh, excuse me, uh, but this guy, uh, Cyrus,
01:05:47 Cyrus.
01:05:48 Virus. His name's Virus.
01:05:50 Yeah, Virus Cyrus, yeah, yeah.
01:05:51 You say he went to the cops?
01:05:53 Morons, I told you.
01:05:54 Well, not exactly.
01:05:55 Everyone had their own opinion on that.
01:05:57 Feats of courage combined with nobility of purpose,
01:06:01 that's what these boys are about.
01:06:03 You, you, they, they don't sit there in judgment
01:06:07 judging other people's idiosyncrasies.
01:06:09 They're confident.
01:06:10 You, what do you do?
01:06:11 You ask questions.
01:06:12 They don't ask questions, they give answers.
01:06:15 They do something.
01:06:16 You would do well to be more like them.
01:06:19 That boy just wasn't right in the head.
01:06:21 He used to come in here all the time
01:06:24 and just be, you know, handling the bread.
01:06:27 Of course, when he was little, he sure did fall down a lot
01:06:31 when his daddy was home.
01:06:33 Virus. I know him.
01:06:36 So what do you think motivated him to rob McClintock's?
01:06:40 I said I know him, I'm not his mama.
01:06:42 You know, Virus and I have this really special connection
01:06:45 that, um, that Jimmy just, he can't understand it.
01:06:49 You know what I mean?
01:06:51 He's so lost.
01:06:53 [clattering]
01:06:54 You know, this place wouldn't be so depressing
01:06:57 if you guys just chose a different color scheme.
01:06:59 Maybe get away from your pastels,
01:07:01 because a dark color in a dark place,
01:07:03 that equals, equals dark.
01:07:07 You guys need to get brighter.
01:07:11 Your yellows, burst of orange, your blues.
01:07:15 Make a man's day go quicker.
01:07:17 You know, Truman, I'd be willing to sit down
01:07:19 with your commanding officer and discuss it with him
01:07:21 if you think it would help move things along a bit.
01:07:23 Whatever.
01:07:24 Whatever, good response. I guess you win, right?
01:07:26 [grunts]
01:07:28 [clattering]
01:07:43 Got your letter.
01:07:46 See you met Truman.
01:07:48 You asshole, you got us caught.
01:07:50 You got us caught, you jinxed us!
01:07:52 As your attorney, I should tell you
01:07:55 that this is my first case, and I'm at a loss for words.
01:07:59 I have no idea what to do, and that worries me.
01:08:03 Is everybody in this picture an idiot?
01:08:05 I was just trying to tell the story like how it happened.
01:08:08 Nobody could be that stupid.
01:08:09 Well, you had to know him, especially Jimmy.
01:08:11 That's his nature.
01:08:13 You see, they're very good people.
01:08:14 They just got in trouble for the wrong reasons,
01:08:16 and that's the point I want to make in the film.
01:08:19 If this goes to trial, we'll need to create some doubt.
01:08:22 We need people to speak on your behalf,
01:08:25 and no one's willing to do that.
01:08:27 Oh, there's gonna be somebody.
01:08:28 They're wondered, they're mentioned.
01:08:30 You know what I'm mentioned?
01:08:31 That's what those boys are.
01:08:33 You would do well to be more like them.
01:08:36 You're boring.
01:08:37 You, they're on the roof.
01:08:38 What? What are you saying?
01:08:40 You on the roof. We need you to come down now.
01:08:43 What? Are you my three--
01:08:45 I'm sorry, I think it's my three--
01:08:47 Are you the Goodmans?
01:08:48 Yes, we're the Goodmans.
01:08:50 I'm Sarah, this is my husband Lester.
01:08:52 Now please, come down off the roof.
01:08:55 I'm sorry, that's my three o'clock.
01:08:57 Okay, I'll be there in a jiffy, okay?
01:09:00 See, either you got it or you don't got it.
01:09:04 And this kid Virus, he sure don't got it.
01:09:07 You know, Jimmy pretty much did the whole thing to impress me.
01:09:10 I mean, he's just sort of driven by his love for me.
01:09:15 And he's so gangly, you know?
01:09:17 He's like a little thin, I don't know, anyway.
01:09:21 McClintocks are well respected in the community,
01:09:23 and you two have pissed off that community.
01:09:27 Those God-kissed peaches put this city on the map.
01:09:30 They said, "Let's have everything in the safe."
01:09:33 Well, I handed it to them, they were out the door,
01:09:35 and I wanted to say, "I let you down.
01:09:37 "I didn't give you everything I had in the safe."
01:09:40 And I was going to run after them, and the missus said,
01:09:42 "No, they made their bed, let them lie in it."
01:09:46 And I added that to the insurance--
01:09:49 Gentlemen, I've gone over your case almost three times.
01:09:55 And I'm sorry to say, but I don't see any loopholes.
01:09:57 There's no way around this evidence.
01:09:59 You're going to be in here for a while.
01:10:01 Either you were born with the gift or you're not.
01:10:04 I hate to break it to you, you were born without the gift.
01:10:09 Oh, sinner man, can't you hear me say?
01:10:16 Oh, God.
01:10:19 Oh.
01:10:20 So you're jealous.
01:10:21 Yeah.
01:10:22 You're jealous because I unleashed the music in me.
01:10:26 Kill me.
01:10:28 Somebody, anybody, please kill me.
01:10:32 All right, lights out.
01:10:35 Beats you.
01:10:37 Oh, and whose bright idea was it to send those photographs to the police?
01:10:46 They knew you were mocking them.
01:10:49 Yes, I know Virus.
01:10:52 Yes, we slept together.
01:10:54 I got it lit.
01:10:55 Great.
01:10:56 And yes, that may be me in the picture with him.
01:10:59 But the money I was counting is my money, money I busted my--
01:11:02 Quit it!
01:11:03 --the money I busted my ass to get.
01:11:06 I'm not going to bullshit you.
01:11:07 Quit it!
01:11:08 I'm sorry.
01:11:09 You're not sorry.
01:11:10 You always fucking keep at me and at me, picking at me.
01:11:14 I wanted to touch you.
01:11:15 Just shut up, you fucking retard.
01:11:18 I'm not retarded.
01:11:19 Look, I'm not--you are retarded.
01:11:20 No, I'm not.
01:11:21 You are retarded.
01:11:22 I've got some schooling.
01:11:25 I've got some schooling.
01:11:27 Don't lose hope, fellas, because listen, from what I've heard,
01:11:31 there's a judge in the Fifth Circuit Court who can maybe get you a lighter sentence,
01:11:35 maybe as little as eight years.
01:11:40 Jimmy and Byrus tried to make the best of their incarceration.
01:11:43 They started a congenial con policy and tried to meet at least one new felon a day.
01:11:48 With this new approach, they met arsonists, armed robbers, and even some interesting murderers.
01:11:53 Are you Harold Day?
01:11:56 Who wants to know?
01:11:58 My name's Jimmy.
01:12:00 Oh, you and your buddy Robin Clintocks.
01:12:03 Yeah.
01:12:04 That took balls.
01:12:06 Yeah.
01:12:09 Say, Harold, uh, I wonder if I ask you a question--
01:12:13 No.
01:12:15 I didn't kill my grandma.
01:12:17 I know I talked a lot about it.
01:12:19 I even write about it in my journal, but that's because that's what I am, a writer, not a killer.
01:12:26 Now that I'm in here, I can write all I want.
01:12:29 Pass the time, I do a bit of reading, too.
01:12:32 I read. I'm a reader.
01:12:39 You look like Joe Perry from Aerosmith.
01:12:44 Uh, what kind of stuff you read?
01:12:48 You know, I like to read a lot of books about, you know, leadership and free thinking.
01:12:52 They taught me to realize just what I am, you know?
01:12:56 Yeah, I do know.
01:12:57 Yeah?
01:12:58 I mean, it's your life. You want to live it on your terms, right?
01:13:00 I see myself as a sure thinker, you know, a leader, you know?
01:13:05 My grandma, though, man, she was always telling me what to do, you know?
01:13:08 I hated that. I don't like people telling me what to do.
01:13:10 I'm the same way. Finally, I meet somebody who gets it.
01:13:13 Yeah, 'cause I'm a leader, not a follower. I don't follow.
01:13:16 I don't follow. I lead. I'm the same way.
01:13:20 Did I kill my grandma?
01:13:23 No, I didn't kill her, man.
01:13:26 Oh, man, but sometimes she just wouldn't let up, you know?
01:13:29 Followed me around the house like a parrot on my shoulder, you know?
01:13:32 Into my ear every five minutes, you know?
01:13:34 Don't forget to dot your I's. Don't forget to cross your T's, you know?
01:13:38 She'd jump on a vein and suck it dry, you know what I'm saying?
01:13:41 Over and over.
01:13:44 Tomato dumplings, man.
01:13:47 Why would it-- Why would any woman get up in the morning and decide that I like tomato dumplings?
01:13:53 What's up with that?
01:13:54 I never even knew what one was until it showed up on my plate, huh?
01:13:57 What kind of sick game is she playing, huh?
01:14:00 No, I didn't kill her. You know what?
01:14:02 Whoever did kill her, man, they were right on, man.
01:14:05 See this journal? This journal's my escape.
01:14:08 This journal's my way out, huh?
01:14:10 The only way to keep my head clear is to write short stories about corking up her mouth hole, huh?
01:14:16 [slurping]
01:14:24 What are you working on now?
01:14:26 Oh, it's a short story about my brother's wife.
01:14:29 It's called "You and Your Goddamn Pies."
01:14:31 Okay, I'm gonna step off for a minute.
01:14:35 I gotta keep going.
01:14:36 Harold, I want you to have a very nice day.
01:14:39 It's supposed to rain.
01:14:40 Hey.
01:14:42 You know, Hitler was a leader.
01:14:46 Okay.
01:14:48 Are we rolling?
01:14:49 Okay, uh, hey, Jimmy!
01:14:52 Jimmy!
01:14:53 Pay attention, okay? I want to ask you a question.
01:14:56 What?
01:14:57 What were you thinking?
01:15:00 What are you--?
01:15:01 Look, you know, we weren't waiting around for any handouts, if that's what you mean.
01:15:06 You know, we saw what we wanted, and we went out and took it.
01:15:09 That's what makes America, America.
01:15:11 You see something you want, and you figure out how to get it.
01:15:14 And I did what I did.
01:15:17 I didn't like people telling me what to do.
01:15:19 Hey, Jimmy, break's over.
01:15:21 You got a prison to paint. Let's go.
01:15:24 Well, you know, looking back on it now, I suppose--
01:15:29 I suppose I do some things differently.
01:15:33 You know, I don't even know if I'd do it again.
01:15:35 [♪♪♪]
01:15:54 What do you want?
01:15:57 Well, I wanted to see you, and I figured you'd want to see me, too.
01:16:01 Why would I want to see you?
01:16:04 Because, you know, you told me to get my shit together, and I have.
01:16:07 You've been here five months. You're in jail.
01:16:10 I don't call that getting your shit together.
01:16:13 I'm a professional.
01:16:16 And I wrote you a poem.
01:16:19 Oh, no, don't-- You're not going to read it, are you?
01:16:21 Jimmy, Jimmy, you have sunk to new depths, Jimmy.
01:16:24 Jimmy, if you read that, we are both going to be so embarrassed, okay?
01:16:29 No, we won't.
01:16:31 Yes, I will.
01:16:32 So if you want to give me something, just make me a license plate or something.
01:16:37 My Miranda.
01:16:40 My Jimmy Cookie.
01:16:43 Poor sweet thing.
01:16:46 I've put you through so much.
01:16:48 I want nothing more than just to feel your touch.
01:16:51 Okay, please don't do this, Jimmy. Jimmy, please.
01:16:53 When I'm thinking of you and my heart is breaking,
01:16:57 they tell me to shut up, get back to raking.
01:17:00 Oh, God.
01:17:03 So for the state in my filth I've wallowed,
01:17:07 and for you, my love, my pride, I've swallowed.
01:17:12 Okay, that's-- That's just-- Darling, you're--
01:17:14 I think this can't be true.
01:17:16 I shouldn't be here.
01:17:18 I should be at home, protecting you.
01:17:24 But I'm not.
01:17:26 Oh, my God, I've got to get out of here.
01:17:28 Card.
01:17:30 Thanks for listening and making the long drive.
01:17:32 I really appreciate it.
01:17:33 Careful on the drive home.
01:17:35 People are nuts out there.
01:17:44 Okay.
01:17:46 I love you.
01:17:47 This summer, Virus comes over, and he's, like, helping me paint the kitchen, right?
01:17:51 And Jimmy gets in his head that I want to sleep with Virus,
01:17:56 and I want to fucking kill Virus, right?
01:17:58 I mean, he's just so pathetic.
01:18:05 Hey, Virus?
01:18:07 Virus?
01:18:09 Can you help me out here?
01:18:10 There's something I'm not clear on.
01:18:12 Let's hear it.
01:18:13 Was that me that was always thinking about us getting caught,
01:18:16 or was I the one who said, "If you think it, it'll happen"?
01:18:19 See, because I remember hearing it.
01:18:22 I just don't remember if that was me saying it to you or you saying it to me.
01:18:26 Oh, right, right.
01:18:28 Now I remember, right, right.
01:18:30 I was the one who said, "Nothing exists.
01:18:32 Thinking makes it so.
01:18:33 You were the one who kept willing us to get caught."
01:18:37 That's right.
01:18:38 Now I got it, right.
01:18:40 And did we get caught?
01:18:42 I forget.
01:18:44 Sure, sure we did, right.
01:18:47 We're raking because we have to, not because we enjoy it, right.
01:18:52 We're in prison right now, that's right.
01:18:55 So I was right, and you got us caught, right?
01:19:00 That's right.
01:19:01 Okay, right.
01:19:04 Hey, Virus, do me a favor, would you?
01:19:07 Do not think about us dying a slow, painful death in prison, okay?
01:19:11 And above all, don't think about what's in your heart of hearts,
01:19:15 your hearts, because that's where us getting caught lives.
01:19:19 Admit it, Rockstar, you got us caught.
01:19:24 Yeah, I guess so.
01:19:27 What was that, son?
01:19:29 I can't hear you.
01:19:30 What are you deaf, son?
01:19:32 No, I'm not deaf.
01:19:33 I was just thinking about fucking Miranda.
01:19:38 You asshole.
01:19:39 I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
01:19:43 That's right.
01:19:47 The only thing that kept Jimmy going was blaming Virus for jinxing them
01:19:51 and to get out by any means possible, escape if necessary.
01:19:55 Just a couple of cons, a sweeping.
01:19:57 Don't want no trouble here, boss, because I'm just a sweeper.
01:20:00 Look at all the trash.
01:20:03 You ready?
01:20:04 I'm ready.
01:20:06 On your mark.
01:20:09 Get set.
01:20:12 Go.
01:20:14 [shouting]
01:20:32 You said it wasn't electrified.
01:20:39 I was kidding.
01:20:41 I was kidding.
01:20:51 I'm not going to bullshit you.
01:20:53 I don't have the time, and if you fucking touch me,
01:20:56 and you don't have the film, but if you need some, I can hook you up.
01:21:01 Not good film, though.
01:21:03 Really cheap film.
01:21:04 Yeah, take it from a retard.
01:21:06 Cheap.
01:21:07 He knows about film quality.
01:21:08 I do.
01:21:10 I'm a savant.
01:21:12 You're not going to laugh at me.
01:21:14 Make a wish.
01:21:19 Still got the fucking eye.
01:21:21 Yeah, I was there.
01:21:22 I'm really glad those guys robbed McClintock's.
01:21:25 As far as I'm concerned, those boys did a service to the community.
01:21:28 Those boys are heroes.
01:21:30 Jimmy and Byron's big day finally arrived.
01:21:33 Their first meeting in front of the parole board.
01:21:36 Well, I hope you've learned a few things while you've been here in the last six months.
01:21:40 Absolutely.
01:21:41 Sure did.
01:21:43 All right, I'll take that as a yes.
01:21:45 Yes.
01:21:46 Okay.
01:21:48 And since neither of you actually used any live ammo,
01:21:53 I suppose we have no choice but to reluctantly return you to society.
01:22:00 We never intended to harm anyone.
01:22:04 We respect that and appreciate your honesty.
01:22:07 Now, once you go through that door to the outside,
01:22:10 I don't want to see you back in here again.
01:22:13 Not while I'm here.
01:22:15 And I'm going to be here.
01:22:17 All right, that's all.
01:22:20 Get up.
01:22:22 Goodbye.
01:22:23 Thank you.
01:22:25 What if they can't find Sean Connery?
01:22:33 Then it's considered a forfeit.
01:22:35 Come on, that doesn't make any sense.
01:22:37 I'd pick Churchill, you know?
01:22:40 Everybody picks some guy they know they can't get.
01:22:42 That's cheating.
01:22:44 You're making up these rules as you go along, I think.
01:22:47 That's your opinion.
01:22:48 Come on, you're making up the rules.
01:22:50 Opinion?
01:22:52 I got you a little something-something.
01:22:53 What?
01:22:55 Thanks.
01:22:56 Wow!
01:22:58 A Mississippi Blue Smoke-O-Lotica.
01:23:00 Yeah.
01:23:01 These are commemoratives.
01:23:02 They only made a million of these.
01:23:05 I was able to track one down.
01:23:07 I'm going to head in, let her know I'm home, show her this.
01:23:12 Oh, she's going to love that.
01:23:14 I get a feeling she is.
01:23:16 I'll get that.
01:23:17 All right, take care.
01:23:20 Oh, this is--
01:23:22 This is the right thing?
01:23:37 You be strong.
01:23:38 See you, man.
01:23:39 Yeah, seriously, it's been fun.
01:23:41 Had a blast.
01:23:42 Right back at you.
01:23:45 Take it easy.
01:23:46 You too.
01:23:47 We'll do it again.
01:23:48 Good luck.
01:23:57 Thanks.
01:23:59 [sighs]
01:24:01 [music]
01:24:07 I told you, Jimmy, get the fuck out of here!
01:24:26 I'm serious!
01:24:28 Get out!
01:24:29 [music]
01:24:35 I'm just going to look over here.
01:24:52 I like it.
01:24:54 [music]
01:24:56 So, that's how it got made.
01:24:58 It might not be the best film in the world, but it's my first film, and I got it made.
01:25:02 I love Frankie and Phil for giving me a chance, and of course, my Uncle Lou.
01:25:07 So if you're someone like me who wants to make a movie, find an Uncle Lou.
01:25:11 Or better yet, find a bookie who has an auto repair shop who loves the movie.
01:25:16 Uncle Lou!
01:25:20 We did it!
01:25:21 We did it!
01:25:23 Sweetheart, we did it.
01:25:25 I know, man.
01:25:26 Remember, nobody knows.
01:25:28 [music]
01:25:30 You're killing me here, Phil.
01:25:35 Uncle Lou, you're like a bank.
01:25:37 You always pay off.
01:25:38 Ha ha ha ha.
01:25:39 You're killing me.
01:25:40 You know that?
01:25:41 You're fussing my balls.
01:25:42 Get a good count.
01:25:43 Get a good count.
01:25:44 I got the big rush covered.
01:25:45 Don't worry about it.
01:25:46 It's all right.
01:25:47 I love you anyway.
01:25:48 You, man.
01:25:49 I'll touch.
01:25:50 It's all there.
01:25:51 It's all there.
01:25:52 It's all there.
01:25:53 [music]
01:25:55 [music]
01:25:57 [music]
01:25:58 till it go, then takes off to the next level of the game, until then you don't know a damn thing.
01:26:03 Sometimes in life there's questions nobody knows, how to explain the things that nobody knows.
01:26:11 People these days they play and act like they know, but nobody, not even you, nobody knows.
01:26:20 Sometimes in life there's questions nobody knows, how to explain the things that nobody knows.
01:26:29 People these days they play and act like they know, but nobody, not even you, nobody knows.
01:26:37 [Music]
01:26:47 [Music]
01:26:57 [Music]
01:27:07 [Music]
01:27:17 [Music]
01:27:27 [Music]
01:27:37 [Music]
01:27:47 [Music]
01:27:57 [Music]
01:28:07 [Music]