A Bit of Fry and Laurie 1989 - S01E03 - 27 January 1989
Transcript
00:00Thank you.
00:01Thank you.
00:03Thank you.
00:04Thank you very much indeed.
00:06Thanks.
00:07Ta.
00:10Grazie.
00:30Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
00:37I don't know if you know what this is.
00:39I expect most of you recognise it.
00:41It's a brain, a human brain.
00:43But I wonder if you know whose brain it is.
00:46Well, before I tell you, I should let you into a little secret.
00:49I've, for some years now, been earning myself quite a reputation
00:52as something of a practical joker.
00:54And what's happened is this,
00:56that earlier this evening I crept into Huw's dressing room
00:59while he was asleep and very carefully took out his brain,
01:05making sure not to wake him up.
01:07So this is Huw's brain.
01:09He's about to come on any minute, so let's see if he notices anything's amiss.
01:13Um...
01:15Here he comes.
01:20Hello, Huw. What have you been up to?
01:23Oh, I've just been watching that Noel Edmonds on television.
01:30I see.
01:31Oh, dear. He is brilliant. That is fantastic.
01:35You feeling all right? Are you Huw?
01:37Yeah, fine, fine.
01:38And then I saw a bit of an interview with Kenneth Baker.
01:42Oh, that man is fantastic.
01:44Really?
01:45Oh, well, he's just what this country needs.
01:48He's firm, he's courageous, and his views on education,
01:52they're just so enlightened and sophisticated and enthralling.
01:57Well, of course, he's an utterly enthralling man.
01:59Well, of course, we can see what's happened,
02:01but I don't think he's got a clue, has he?
02:03Huw, do you recognise this?
02:04It's a cauliflower.
02:06He's been a great sport, hasn't he, ladies and gentlemen?
02:08What are you off to do now, Huw?
02:09I'm going to go and write a letter to Points Of View.
02:13I think I may have gone too far.
02:18Well, not without falling over and hitting someone rather old.
02:25Gerald Kaufman is a member of the Labour Party
02:27and Daphne du Maurier lived in Cornwall.
02:29Is that it? No?
02:33Yep, I like to eat Greek at least once in a time, Gorton.
02:37It's a plain cuisine, simply prepared.
02:40Yeah, I'm not averse myself, Stuart.
02:42No?
02:43Oh, no, I'm substantially partial to a plate of Greek.
02:45Substantially partial.
02:46Oh, well, we won't worry about this.
02:48I'll chat to the top overweighter personally.
02:50This is strictly for the walk-in punters.
02:52Right you be.
02:53Ah, listen to that bazooka music, Gorton.
02:59East meets West.
03:01Yeah, love it.
03:02Yeah.
03:03Of course, there's a lot to be learned from you Greeks, you know.
03:05After all, they gave us the word civilisation.
03:09I thought that was the Romans.
03:12Yeah, well, ethnically the same peoples, Gorton.
03:15Also, of course, they gave us the word economics.
03:17Very sharp folk, you Greeks.
03:19And, of course, the word genoimine.
03:23The word genoimine.
03:24Only I think we gave that one back straight away.
03:28Yeah, yeah.
03:29Oh, yeah, very tough folk, you Hellenics.
03:31Tough as the rocks and boulders that shape the islands and hills of their landscape.
03:35You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a lesson in there somewheres, do you?
03:38Oh, certainly there is. Certainly there is.
03:40I've often thought of putting out a paper on the correlation between landscape and business acumen.
03:44You could really set fire to some arses with a paper like that.
03:48I hope so, I hope so.
03:49Yeah, with a theory of that kind, I reckon the Institute of Executive Salesmen would just go ape-crazy on all fours.
03:55It wouldn't surprise me. I mean, take my own case, for example.
03:58Myself, way back when, my folks originally hailed from Yorkshire.
04:01You see what we've got? We've got limestone uplands, unforgiving moors and scarred dales.
04:06A beautiful, uncompromising, hard and wide nurse of men.
04:11Yeah, but you were born in Surrey.
04:14Yeah, but the limestone's in my blood, Gordon. It's in the way I do business.
04:17So, where are you from, first off?
04:19Um, Lincolnshire.
04:20Ah, you see? Flat, sodden, yielding, chonky, cautious, always late for meetings.
04:27Well, Lincolnshire's flat, Stu, but I wouldn't say it was always late for meetings.
04:32Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll put that paper out after all.
04:35Service is a bit slow, isn't it?
04:37Ah, you see, Gordon, that's your typical lowlander's reaction. That's got Lincolnshire written all over it.
04:41You've got to understand that the Greek does things at his own tempo, you know?
04:44Natural rhythms and cycles deep within them. The Yorkshireman in me respects that.
04:48Yeah, but we don't want to be late for the basketball game.
04:50Oh, right. Service here. Let's get some action at this table.
04:53Good afternoon, my lovely friends.
04:54Okay, kalispera.
04:56Ah, it's lunchtime. You mean, galimera.
04:59Yeah, well, obviously in some dialects, yeah.
05:03The dish of the day is octopus.
05:06Good, good. So, uh, the dish of the day is octopus.
05:10I know that, Gordon. I know that.
05:13Well, where?
05:14Uh, now, this octopus, um, where was it caught?
05:17Where was it caught? Oh, what a question. In the sea.
05:21Yeah, right. So, that, uh, that should be okay, Gordon, if you want to have that. I don't know.
05:24So?
05:26Um, dolmades.
05:27Dolmades.
05:28Uh, and fillet of souvlaki.
05:30Uh, and...
05:32Uh, and a buccaneerettino.
05:34And that's it.
05:35Do you know what that is, sir?
05:37What?
05:38Is it you?
05:40Oh, oh, I'll, uh, I'll have the same. The, um, the paracolo, definitely.
05:45You?
05:46Certainly, gentlemen.
05:47Thank you.
05:48Oh, and we ought to, uh, order up some wine while we're at it.
05:52I just did that, didn't I?
05:53Oh, yeah, of course you did. Sorry, Gordon.
05:56I was miles away, though.
05:58He's a bit forward, isn't he? All that, um, my lovely friend stuff.
06:00Ah, well, you see, Gordon, he's spotted a kindred spirit.
06:03What he's done is he's spotted the craggy moorlander in me.
06:06And, uh, he knows the way clients should be treated with respect,
06:09not your average walk-in, quick-turnover merchants.
06:11Ah, dolmades for my two beautiful English gentlemen.
06:14Great.
06:15Ah, looks good.
06:16Ah, it's very good. My special friend, sir.
06:20What is this?
06:21Dolmades.
06:22Dolmades?
06:23Stuffed vine leaves.
06:24Stuffed vine leaves?
06:27Is he trying to take us for a ride?
06:29No, it's a classic Greek dish.
06:31A classic Greek...
06:33Gordon, what am I, a peasant or a busy executive?
06:35Everything all right, my absolute darling?
06:37Ah, yes, everything's fine.
06:39Um, my friend doesn't like dolmades.
06:41Ah, but you asked for dolmades.
06:43Yes, he didn't know what they were.
06:44I knew...
06:46No, everything's just fine, thank you.
06:49All right, come on, Gordon, let's get out of here.
06:50This is just a tourist trap.
06:51In Stevenage?
06:52Why not?
06:53This is good, Stuart.
06:55Jesus, Gordon, these guys must have seen you coming a mile off.
06:58Don't they want your dolmades, then?
07:00Do I want to push a stuffed vine leaf through my face?
07:02No, incredibly, I don't.
07:04Well, if you don't mind, I'll have yours. I'm starving.
07:07Oh, that is it. This...
07:09This wine is corked.
07:10It can't be corked. It's got a metal top.
07:13Don't get clever. Just taste it.
07:15Waiter!
07:17Delicious.
07:18Delicious? It's got something in it.
07:19Yes, my excellent friends.
07:20It's resonated.
07:21Exactly. Waiter, this wine has...
07:23What was it?
07:24Resonated.
07:25This wine has resonated in the bottle.
07:26Oh, yes, it's racina.
07:28It's supposed to be like that, Stu.
07:29They add pine needle resins.
07:31Yeah, thanks for your input, Gordon, but I hope I know my wines.
07:34I can fork out on an encyclopaedia of world wines for nothing.
07:38The racina is very good.
07:39This is a very good one, actually.
07:40It's one of the best I've ever tasted.
07:41What is it?
07:44You're going to invite me to the wedding, presumably.
07:47Do you mean pardon?
07:48You two are getting married, I take it.
07:50Stu.
07:51No, no, no, obviously.
07:52I mean, a six-year friendship just goes out the window
07:54if you're going to start siding with some Grieco against me.
07:57Maybe everything's not so right for my two lovers, eh?
07:59You can cut that out for a second.
08:01Listen, Stu.
08:02No, you listen, mush.
08:04While you were mocking time
08:05doing lingophone courses of the ancient world,
08:07I was out there pounding the streets of Tiverton
08:09learning a sunning phrase.
08:11While you tanned your hairy arse on the nude beaches of Crete,
08:15or wherever it was,
08:16swilling turpentine
08:17and stuffing violins with a bunch of perverts,
08:20I was out there getting my Master's degree
08:22in the University of Hard Knocks and Tough Surprises.
08:26Listen, to you or your fancy lover boy.
08:29Where are you going?
08:31I can bring you an omelette if you like, sir.
08:32Oh, forget it.
08:33I've had enough, Gordon.
08:34I'm going out for an honest British kebab.
08:40Daphne du Maurier is a novelist
08:42and Gerald Kaufman is bald.
08:44Is that it?
08:45Is that it?
08:46Now, Theresa, you are a...
08:48A costume designer.
08:49A costume designer, right, yes.
08:51And you've put together this magnificent costume
08:53for me to wear in the next sketch.
08:55I suppose a lot of people must be very keen to know
08:57where you actually start from when designing a costume.
09:00Well, obviously, the first thing to do is to start from the script.
09:03Right, right.
09:04Yes, as a costume designer, we have to read the script
09:06to get a feel for what the writer's trying to do
09:08for the period
09:09and for whatever little details there are that will help the story.
09:12Right, to fit the character and so on.
09:14Oh, precisely.
09:15Yeah. I suppose you must have to be quite a historian, really,
09:18to know about the details of the period
09:20and how wide the lapels must have been and all that sort of thing.
09:23Oh, that's right, because obviously audiences are so quick to spot mistakes.
09:26Are they?
09:27Oh, yes.
09:28They'll write in about the tiniest detail if they think you haven't got it right.
09:31Really?
09:32I once had a letter from a lady...
09:33Well, that's incredible.
09:34Well, let's...
09:36Let's hope that nobody writes in about this next sketch.
09:38Fingers crossed.
09:39Fingers crossed, exactly.
09:40Theresa, thank you very much.
09:41Oh, my pleasure. Thank you.
09:42Right, well, here goes.
09:44Dear Mr Povey, thank you for your letter of the 14th.
09:47I'm enclosing a replication herewith,
09:49as the vacancy has already been filled.
09:51Sorry I'm late, Brian.
09:53The traffic was an absolute pig.
09:55Oh, that's all right.
09:56I was just catching up on some correspondence.
09:58Yeah, it's good to get it out of the way, isn't it?
10:00Exactly.
10:01Right, now, shall we crack on?
10:02Yeah, as I see it, there are a number of routes we can take.
10:04Yeah, care to listen for me?
10:05Sure.
10:06We can tackle the problem of restructuring distribution lag
10:10almost immediately.
10:11Can I just interrupt you here?
10:12Certainly, Peter.
10:13Thanks.
10:14Pleasure.
10:16The second option is a little more drastic,
10:18and that's to examine the initial premise
10:20of setting up distribution as a lateral department.
10:23Ah, now, well, you see, that may not be popular.
10:25Exactly.
10:26But then again, you and I didn't get into this business
10:28in order to be popular, did we?
10:29I hoped you'd say that, Peter,
10:30and you haven't let me down on that score.
10:32Oh, blast.
10:34What?
10:35Sorry, I've still... Sorry, I've still got my watch on.
10:37Oh, no.
10:38Well, no, somebody would have noticed.
10:40Sorry.
10:42Daphne du Maurier wrote Rebecca,
10:44and Gerald Kaufman has extremely strong views
10:46on community policing.
10:47That must be it.
10:49Say 99.
10:5099.
10:53Say thank you.
10:55Thank you.
10:58Say breasts.
11:01Breasts.
11:04R.
11:05R.
11:06Good.
11:07Good.
11:08Yes.
11:09What's the shirt up now, Mr Pepperdine?
11:11Everything... Everything as it should be.
11:13I don't think there's anything to worry about there.
11:15Now, you say you've had a little difficulty breathing at nights?
11:18Yes, that's right, yeah.
11:19Have you been bringing up any sputum?
11:22No, not really.
11:23Any yellow or green in your phlegm?
11:25Blood?
11:26No.
11:27Bit of tightness in the chest?
11:28Yes, a little, yeah.
11:30Headaches?
11:31Apart from the children, you mean?
11:33No, not really, no.
11:34HE LAUGHS
11:36Um...
11:38Right.
11:39Well, I think I'm going to put you on a course of these.
11:42I don't know if you've ever had them before.
11:44One 20 times a day.
11:47Well, what are they?
11:49Well, it's a simple, um, arsenous monoxide, um, nicotinyl preparation
11:53taken bronchially as an infumation.
11:56An infumation?
11:57Yes, you light the end and breathe in.
11:59Oh, like cigarettes?
12:00Oh, you know them, then? Yes.
12:02Um, a little hard for a doctor to admit,
12:04but they're basically a herbal remedy.
12:06Oh, herbal cigarettes.
12:08That's right, yes.
12:09Um, the leaf originally comes from America, I believe.
12:12It's called tobacco.
12:14But medicated?
12:15Medicated, no.
12:16What, these are ordinary cigarettes?
12:18That's right.
12:19But they're terribly bad for you, aren't they?
12:21I hardly think I'd be prescribing them if they were bad for you, would I?
12:24What, 20 a day?
12:25That's right, ideally rising to 30 or 40 if they begin to be...
12:28seem to be doing the trick.
12:30But these give you lung cancer and bronchitis and emphysema, don't they?
12:33That gave you that idea.
12:35What, I thought everybody knew that.
12:37Are you a doctor?
12:38No, but it stands to reason.
12:40Talking about stands to reason,
12:42I mean, you wouldn't know what a pair of lungs did
12:44if you hadn't been told, would you?
12:46It's taken mankind thousands of years to work out what a heart does,
12:49what blood vessels are for, what kidneys do.
12:51And now just because you've read a few weedy magazine articles
12:53you think you know more about the human body than I do?
12:56No, but it can't be natural, can it?
12:58It's a perfectly natural leaf.
12:59Yes, but setting fire to it and inhaling?
13:01It's more natural than baked Alaska or nylon socks.
13:06Yes, but you don't inhale nylon socks.
13:08At least I don't.
13:10A bit of leaf smoke to loosen the lungs, clear the head,
13:13ease that tightness, perfectly sound.
13:16You'll be telling me that cholesterol isn't bad for you next.
13:19What's cholesterol?
13:21Well, you know...
13:22Yes, I know perfectly well,
13:23but I don't suppose you'd even heard of it until about five years ago, had you?
13:26You'd die without the stuff.
13:28Yes, but too much is bad for you.
13:29But of course too much is bad for you.
13:31Too much of anything is bad for you, you blithering twat.
13:34That's what too much means.
13:36Too much water would be bad for you.
13:38Obviously, too much is precisely that quantity which is excessive.
13:41That's what it means. Jesus!
13:45But I thought that...
13:46You thought. You didn't think at all, did you?
13:49Cigarettes are healing, harmless and natural.
13:52Well, if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion.
13:55That is your privilege.
13:56Right.
13:57My second opinion is that they're also cheap, slightly nutritious.
14:00Really?
14:01Yep. And if you want a third opinion,
14:03I'll tell you that they're healing, soothing and sexy.
14:06Well, that seems to clinch it.
14:08Exactly.
14:09So, 20 a day, rising to 30 or 40 as necessary.
14:11And the tightness in the chest?
14:12Should disappear completely.
14:14Right, well, you're the doctor.
14:17I said you're the doctor.
14:18Math gives you that idea.
14:21What, you did?
14:22You're pathetic, aren't you?
14:25I'm a tobacconist, isn't it obvious?
14:29Well, no.
14:30Well, I do grant you it does look a little bit more like a doctor's surgery than a tobacconist.
14:34Why?
14:35Why? Because you're the kind of git that falls for that sort of thing, that's why.
14:38It's the same reason that cosmetic sales staff wear white coats.
14:41Because fools like you think that something with a Swiss name
14:44that calls itself a skin treatment is better for you than a tub of cold cream,
14:47which is all you're actually getting.
14:49You're a credulous git, Mr Pepperdine.
14:52A stethoscope and a plausible manner do not make a doctor.
14:55I'm a con man, and you are a moron.
14:59So you're not a doctor?
15:01Could be.
15:03What do you think?
15:04You really want to know?
15:05I'd be fascinated.
15:07Well, I think you've taken a reasonably interesting idea
15:10and you've basically just completely overworked it.
15:12I think what started out as quite an interesting statement
15:15on our susceptibility to received ideas
15:17has just turned into a rambling, vague, ill-thought-out piece of drivel, frankly.
15:22And I think you want to end it now.
15:24Oh, really?
15:25Yeah.
15:26Well, I think that shows you've just completely misunderstood...
15:29No, I can't read that.
15:31I'm a Methodist.
15:33Oh, out loud? Oh, sorry.
15:37It's...
15:40Who wrote this?
15:45I can't read that.
15:46There's nothing there.
15:48Oh.
15:49What do you put in the back?
15:51I can't read.
15:53You know, some of the funniest things that ever happen here in TV
15:57never actually make it to our screens.
15:59I'm talking about the outtakes or mistakes
16:03that we here in television land get so embarrassed about.
16:06Here's one of my all-time favourites.
16:08It's a great blooper,
16:10and it was recorded for an edition of Open University way back in 1973.
16:18As you can see, if we increase the non-reflexive integers in the equation
16:23by a quantity denoted by D5,
16:26the parallel quantities D3 and D7 are inverted in the same direction,
16:31giving us a resultant modular quantity of 0.567359.
16:37Now, this should begin to give us some clues as to whether...
16:39I'm sorry, Brian, I'm sorry.
16:43What? What's happened?
16:45You said...
16:46You said 0.567359.
16:49Oh, no, I didn't.
16:51It should be 0.567395.
16:55I don't believe it!
16:57Oh, no!
17:02F***ing hell!
17:05What the f***?
17:170.567359.
17:22Oh, dear.
17:23Vic.
17:26I killed her because she said she was going to marry Noel Edmonds.
17:31I should have known she'd really been pretty much a model daughter.
17:35Oh, every time. Every time.
17:38The judge was very sympathetic, thank goodness.
17:49Oh, hello, Murchison.
17:50Oh, control. You gave me quite a fright there.
17:53I nearly spilt your coffee.
17:55Oh, that's all right.
17:56I can easily mop up that quite small drop just here.
17:59And anyway, it was very kind of you to bring me in any coffee at all.
18:03Not at all.
18:04I was coming in anyway, and I thought,
18:06why not bring control a cup?
18:08It's eleven o'clock.
18:09I expect he'd welcome some coffee.
18:11Greatly appreciated.
18:13I spoke to Valerie, and she said you like a little bit of milk,
18:16not too much, and no sugar.
18:19I hope that's right.
18:20That's exactly how I like my coffee.
18:25I suppose I'd better tell you why I came in.
18:27Yes, did you have something you wished to say to me,
18:29or perhaps you'd like to ask me a question?
18:33Sort of a mixture of both, really, control.
18:35Do you remember how some time ago we decided to put a tail
18:38on that new cultural attaché at the Russian embassy?
18:42Yes, I remember it very well.
18:44We thought he might be a spy working for the KGB.
18:48So I said, why not follow him around a bit
18:51and see if he does anything that might look suspicious?
18:55That's right.
18:56We gave him the codename Big Bad Wolf,
18:59and you said it would be a good idea
19:01if we put Philip and his F Division in charge of the surveillance.
19:05That's right. Operation Coathanger, we called it, if memory serves.
19:09You were sitting over there.
19:11It was quite a rainy day, and Philip was standing by the desk.
19:16Yes, although, if you remember,
19:19it was before you moved your desk round this way,
19:22so Philip would have been over there.
19:26Oh, yes.
19:28I must say, I much prefer it like this. I don't think I'll go back.
19:31I can see all the door,
19:33and I've got quite a nice view over St Giles' Circus.
19:37That must be nice.
19:40Anyway, I'm afraid it looks as if Big Bad Wolf probably is a spy after all.
19:45Oh, dear. Just as well we took the trouble to check up.
19:48It does show that it's always worth chasing things up thoroughly.
19:53Has he been meeting known KGB agents, then?
19:55Yes, I'm afraid he has, as you can see for yourself.
20:09I must say, I like this folder.
20:14Didn't the old ones used to be buff-coloured?
20:17That's right. It was Valerie's idea to change over to the new blue ones.
20:22She thought it might cheer the place up a bit.
20:25Very nice, too.
20:27Ah, Big Bad Wolf has a meeting with Colonel Andreev in John Lewis'.
20:33Do you think Philip took this surveillance photograph himself?
20:36It does look like Philip's handiwork, doesn't it?
20:40I can't see which department they're in.
20:43Well, I do hope Big Bad Wolf hasn't been stealing any of our secrets
20:46or trying to persuade any of our agents to defect to the East.
20:50That would be pretty galling, wouldn't it?
20:53I tell you what, you'd better leave this with me, Murchison.
20:56Are you going to tell the Minister?
20:57I shall have to do that, yes.
20:59Meanwhile, Philip had better keep up his surveillance.
21:02Would you like me to tell him to do that? I shall be seeing him later on today.
21:06Would you? That would certainly save me the trouble.
21:09No problem.
21:10Right. Well, thank you.
21:11You're welcome.
21:13Anyway, I'd better get back to my office now.
21:15The Prague desk is in a bit of a flap.
21:19Uh-oh. I won't keep you, then.
21:22I'll let you know if anything else crops up.
21:25Thanks, Tony.
21:26Oh, and thank you again for the coffee.
21:28It tasted very nice.
21:31An absolute pleasure.
21:33Bye-bye, Control.
21:34Bye-bye, Murchison.
21:37Well, I just told him to stuff it.
21:40But he said that had been dead too long.
21:43Douglas Heard. That's a tricky one.
21:45Um...
21:47Cauliflower?
21:53Look, just turn the handle.
21:59Look, look, turn the handle. What's the matter with you?
22:02Nothing.
22:03Why can't you just...
22:04Look, I didn't carry this thing all the way from the bloody car park
22:07just to turn the handle and walk in.
22:09Well, I'm going to put you over here.
22:11Well, you do what you want. I'm going to knock this bloody door down.
22:14Well, close it! Close it!
22:17What do you want?
22:18Mrs Catherine Tobey.
22:19Yes? What? Who are you?
22:21Sorry to disturb you, madam.
22:23We're making some routine door-to-door inquiries in the neighbourhood.
22:27And, er, we wondered if we might come in.
22:30Finished!
22:31Well, why didn't you ring the bell?
22:33You see, I knew this was going to happen.
22:37Oh, um...
22:38We thought you were out.
22:39No, no, no.
22:40Was I not right? Um...
22:42We didn't want to disturb you.
22:43No, no.
22:44No? Um...
22:45If we'd rung the bell,
22:46if we'd rung the bell,
22:47there would have been no point in my having carried this sledgehammer
22:49all the way from the car park.
22:50I see.
22:52Yep, I think we might have got away with that one.
22:55Now then, Mrs Popey, if you'd just like to sit down.
22:59I like them. They're good, aren't they?
23:03I'd better turn the volume down. They're all right.
23:05He's crazy, that one. He's crazy.
23:08Right, Mrs Popey.
23:09Your husband, is he at home?
23:11What?
23:12Your husband, is he at home at the current time?
23:14I haven't got a husband.
23:15You haven't got a husband?
23:16No husband. I see.
23:18Well, when do you expect him back?
23:20What?
23:21No, no, that is the wrong question.
23:22What, is that wrong?
23:23Yeah.
23:24It's not right?
23:25Yeah.
23:26Now...
23:27Well, when do you expect her back?
23:28Mrs Popey, um...
23:29Computer trace currently indicates
23:31that you are the holder of one husband.
23:33Well, I'm not.
23:34I see.
23:35Well, I'll have my colleagues duly amend the record accordingly.
23:37Now then, Mrs Popey.
23:38Yes?
23:39Your husband's been a bit busy lately, hasn't he?
23:41What?
23:42He's been giving us the right run-around.
23:44He's a scumbag, that's what he is.
23:46He's a great big bag of scum.
23:49Scumming around in a big bag, that's what he is.
23:52He always has been and he always will be.
23:54I haven't got a husband. I'm not married.
23:56You can take the scum out of the bag,
23:58but you can't take the bag out of the scum.
24:01Yeah.
24:02Boiling the bag scum, that's what it is.
24:04Yeah.
24:05My colleague may be putting it a little bit more forthrightly
24:07than I would myself, Mrs Popey,
24:09but then I like to think that's why we work so well together, you see.
24:11We compliment each other.
24:12Really?
24:13Yes. What's this?
24:14You're looking very smart today.
24:15Oh, thank you. That's a very nice haircut.
24:17Is he?
24:18Teamwork.
24:19Now then, Mrs Popey, this husband of yours...
24:21Oh, for heaven's sake!
24:23How many times do I have to tell you?
24:24I haven't got a husband!
24:26Well?
24:2725!
24:28Excuse me just for a moment.
24:30What?
24:31She's got to tell us 25 times that she hasn't got a husband.
24:34Right.
24:37Once for every day in the week.
24:39No, it doesn't... No, no.
24:41All right, then.
24:42Once for every year he's going to spend inside, the scumbag!
24:45Look, I don't know who you are
24:47or why you want to speak to a husband I haven't got,
24:49but I'm telling you...
24:51Oh, sure, yeah, Mrs Popey.
24:53We don't want to speak to him.
24:55Oh, don't you?
24:56No, no, no, no.
24:57Well, speak to him. No!
24:59I think perhaps you've been watching a little bit too much television, Mrs Popey.
25:02Well, whatever.
25:03The point is I haven't got a husband,
25:05and therefore do you think it's possible
25:07that you could have come to the wrong house?
25:09No, no, no.
25:10No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:13No. No.
25:14We've already been there.
25:15Where?
25:16The wrong house. We've just come from the wrong house.
25:18That's right.
25:19My colleague says he's substantially correct, Mrs Popey.
25:21We have indeed just come from the wrong house,
25:23so your argument doesn't really stand up.
25:25No, that argument just falls straight over.
25:27Yeah, it just lies there.
25:28Yeah.
25:29Now, since you claim to be alone in the house, Mrs Popey,
25:31I'm sure you won't mind if we have a quick look around.
25:33How quick?
25:34Oh, very quick, very quick, I assure you.
25:36Well, help yourself.
25:40That didn't hurt, did it?
25:41Oh, well, it did, actually.
25:42Just whatever you do, don't wake up my son.
25:45Oh. Oh. I beg your pardon?
25:47Oh, so do I. Yes, I beg it as well.
25:50My son is asleep upstairs and I'd rather you didn't wake him.
25:53Now, just a moment, Mrs Popey, just one moment.
25:56Whoa there, boy, whoa!
26:00Your son?
26:01Well, you told us he didn't have a husband.
26:03Well, I haven't.
26:05Mrs Popey.
26:06Ah!
26:07Mrs Popey.
26:08Ah!
26:09Mrs Popey.
26:10Ah!
26:11Mrs Popey.
26:12Ah!
26:13Mrs Popey.
26:14We may be stupid, but we're not clever.
26:17How can you have a son if you haven't got a husband?
26:19That sounds rather miraculous to me.
26:22He was a sailor.
26:23I see, in the Navy, was he?
26:24No, the Nat West.
26:28OK, we'll leave that for the moment.
26:30Now, this putative son of yours,
26:33now, you say that he...
26:39You say that he's upstairs?
26:41Yes, he's asleep.
26:42Well, tired, is he?
26:44I'm not surprised he's tired after the merry dance he's been leading us.
26:47Yeah, a very merry dance he's led us.
26:49Yeah, right gay gavotte.
26:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm so merry.
26:53I think that's all the same to you, Mrs Popey.
26:55You'd better ask this son of yours to come downstairs
26:57and answer a few questions.
26:58Only if you promise to leave as soon as you've finished.
27:01I assure you, Mrs Popey, we shall leave just as soon as we've finished
27:05I assure you, Mrs Popey, we shall leave just as soon as we've finished being here.
27:11Oh, a charming, super delightful woman.
27:14Yes.
27:15And rather a fabulous taste in decor.
27:17Oh, I agree, I agree entirely, yes.
27:19Mm, the furnishing and fitments are very A1.
27:21Exactly, what do you say, look at these sofa coverings.
27:23They're lovely, aren't they?
27:24Are they durable?
27:25Yeah, probably washable, shouldn't you suppose?
27:26Yeah, just brung in a machine.
27:27Yeah.
27:28Well, take them off the sofa first.
27:29Did I not make that clear?
27:30Yes, take them off the sofa.
27:32Unless, of course, you've got a very big machine.
27:34Or a very small sofa.
27:35Oh, yeah.
27:36I think she's taken it very well.
27:38Well, this is it, you see.
27:39Too well?
27:40Well, I don't want to mention it, but yeah, maybe she's taken it too well.
27:43Yeah, yeah.
27:44This is my son, William.
27:48Yeah, um...
27:51Yeah.
27:54Well, you've been a bit of a naughty boy, William, haven't you?
27:58Ask him what he's done with the stuff.
28:00Yeah, what have you done with the stuff?
28:03Stuff.
28:04Scumbag!
28:32Scumbag!