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00:00Uh...
00:02Oh, um, um...
00:04Uh...
00:06Um...
00:07Um...
00:08Eh...
00:31Ah, good morning, Michael.
00:33Good morning, sir.
00:34Good morning, Mrs Smear.
00:36Yes, well, we'll dispense with the good mornings, if you don't mind.
00:39I haven't got time for good mornings.
00:41As you wish. Now, um, you wanted to discuss something with me.
00:44I think you know why I'm here.
00:46I don't think I do.
00:48Tell him.
00:49Tell me what?
00:50Tell him what you told your mother last night.
00:53Come on, come on, sexual intercourse.
00:55Intercourse can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female.
00:58Yes.
01:00Yes?
01:01You heard that, did you?
01:02Yes.
01:03Yes, well, I'd like an explanation, if it's not too much trouble.
01:07An explanation of what?
01:09An explanation of how my son came to be using language like that
01:13in front of his mother.
01:15Well, I, um, I assume it's something that Michael's been learning
01:18in his biology classes, is that right?
01:20Yes, sir.
01:21Yes, with Mr Hent. Glad to see some of it's sinking in.
01:26Well, this is a turn-up, no mistake.
01:29What is?
01:30I didn't imagine you'd be quite so bare-faced about it.
01:33About what?
01:34I came here today to make a complaint
01:36about my son being exposed to gutter language in the playground.
01:39I am, frankly, staggered to find that this is something
01:43he's actually been taught in a classroom.
01:45I mean, what is going on here?
01:47Well, we're trying to teach your son...
01:49Oh, are you indeed? Trying to teach him what?
01:51How to embarrass his parents?
01:53How to smack himself with heroin? What?
01:57Mr Smear, I can assure you we have no...
01:59Do you call yourself a school?
02:01Well, I don't actually call myself a school.
02:05Well, are you ashamed of yourself
02:07filling a young lad's head with filth like that?
02:09Well, let me tell you something about the real world.
02:11You're here to provide a service.
02:13Well, that's quite right.
02:14Oh, that's quite right, yes. Well, I'm not happy with it.
02:16I'm not happy with the service you're providing.
02:18Would you rather that Michael didn't attend biology class?
02:21Would you rather that Michael didn't attend biology classes?
02:23Well, certainly I would, if those are the kind of lies
02:25I can expect to hear repeated at the dinner table.
02:28They're not lies, Mr Smear.
02:30Oh, aren't they? Aren't they what?
02:32Sexual intercourse can bring about pregnancy in the adult female.
02:35Well, that's quite true.
02:38True, my arse.
02:41It's nothing more than a disgusting rumour
02:43put about by trendy young people in the 60s.
02:46Trendy young people in their 60s?
02:48In their 60s, in their 60s.
02:50That's when it all started, people like you.
02:52I can assure you, Mr Smear, that sexual reproduction
02:55has been part of the biology syllabus for many years.
02:57I don't care about your blasted syllabus.
02:59What good is a blasted syllabus out there?
03:01Out where?
03:02Out there.
03:03The Arkwright Road?
03:06Arkwright Jungle, I call it.
03:08Well, what would you rather we taught your son?
03:11I would rather, I would rather you taught him values,
03:15Mr, er...
03:16Casilingua.
03:17Casilingua. Values.
03:19Respect, decency, standards.
03:21That's what you're here for.
03:22You're not here to poison my son with a lot of randy sex talk.
03:26Michael definitely is your son, is he?
03:28Well, certainly he's my son.
03:30Well, then it's safe to assume that at some stage
03:32you and Mrs Smear must have had sexual intercourse.
03:35Right, that's it.
03:36I don't know if it is.
03:37I'm going to knock some sense into you myself.
03:39You're going to fight me now, are you?
03:41Yes, I bloody well am.
03:43I'm not going to stand for this.
03:45Well, do you mind if I do?
03:47Talking like that in front of the boy, you're a bloody disgrace.
03:50Mr Smear, how can Michael be your son
03:52if you and Mrs Smear have not had sexual intercourse?
03:56Michael is my son...
03:58Yes?
03:59..in the normal way.
04:01Ah.
04:02And what, in your opinion, is the normal way to have a son?
04:07If you're trying to trick me into sexy talk,
04:09well, isn't that quite right?
04:11Well, the normal way to have a son is to get married...
04:15Mm-hm.
04:16..buy a house, get properly settled in,
04:19furniture and so on,
04:21and just wait for a bit.
04:23Ah.
04:24Make sure you eat properly, three hot meals a day.
04:27Three hot meals?
04:28Hot meals, yes.
04:29And Michael just sort of popped up, did he?
04:33Well, of course, it's a few years ago now,
04:35but I think, yes, one day he was just there.
04:38And at no stage did you or Mrs Smear
04:40engage in any act of sexual intimacy?
04:42Yes. It's very hard for you to believe, isn't it?
04:44It's very hard for you to believe
04:46that there's still some of us who can bring a child into this world
04:49without recourse to cannabis and government handouts.
04:52Well, I don't know what to say.
04:54No, I bet you don't.
04:55It's not every day a consumer stands up to you
04:57and makes demands, is it?
04:58Well, not of this nature, certainly.
05:00No? Well, then,
05:01welcome to the harsh realities of the marketplace, Mr Casalingua.
05:04Right, OK. So, what do you want me to do?
05:07Well, it's perfectly obvious, isn't it?
05:09Not to me.
05:10Well, I mean, if I go to Littlewoods
05:12and say that I'm not happy with a cardigan, for example,
05:15well, they'll change it for me, and gladly.
05:18You want me to change your son?
05:21Well, of course I do. Mine is soiled now.
05:28I'm afraid we don't have any spare son.
05:32Typical, isn't it?
05:33Well, what have you got of equal value?
05:38Oh, we have got some locusts in the biology lab.
05:41Locusts? Hmm.
05:43Do I have your assurance that these locusts
05:45will not embarrass Mrs Smear at table with foul language?
05:51How many of them are there?
05:53Well, there are two at the moment.
05:55What do you mean, at the moment?
05:59Well, um, they're married, you see,
06:02and they've bought their own cage.
06:04Some furniture, and they've settled down
06:06and are having three meals a day.
06:08Hot meals?
06:09Warmish.
06:11So Mrs Smear might one day become a grandmother?
06:15It's a distinct possibility.
06:18She'd like that.
06:22Um...
06:24Well, they've got hotter pavements, I know that.
06:28Well, Sue Lawley used to, before she died.
06:32Sue Lawley used to, before she went mad?
06:35No.
06:39Or am I thinking of bus lanes?
06:43Underneath the bellied skies,
06:45where dust and rain find space to fall,
06:47to fall and lie and change again,
06:49without a care or mind at all for art and life and things above,
06:52in that there, look, just there, no right, left, up, down,
06:55past or future we have but ourselves to fear.
06:59Hugh, you chose that poem.
07:01For God's sake, why?
07:04I chose it for a number of reasons, Stephen.
07:06Chief amongst them being?
07:07Well, can I perhaps turn that question round and say,
07:10because it was short.
07:11The poem?
07:12Yes.
07:13And that's important?
07:14Well, yes, it seems to me,
07:15with the pace of modern life being what it is,
07:17most people just haven't got time to spend on long poems,
07:19and therefore this is something that would ideally suit
07:21the short-haul commuter or the busy housewife
07:24and leave plenty of time over for other sporting and leisure activities.
07:27Well, that represents quite a boon.
07:29Oh, an enormous boon.
07:30Well, we're always on the lookout for enormous boons.
07:34Is it perfectly safe?
07:36Oh, it's absolutely safe, yes.
07:37This is a poem you can leave around the house in absolute confidence.
07:40Presumably, though, there must be shorter poems than that.
07:42Oh, good heavens, yes.
07:43Good heavens, yes.
07:44Good heavens, yes.
07:45There's a poem by Richard Maddox called Institutions,
07:47which I can read for you, if you like.
07:48Please.
07:49Right.
07:51Le.
07:54That is short.
07:55It's very short, yes.
07:56Too short, perhaps?
07:57Possibly.
07:58Nonetheless, it might suit, say, the very busy senior executive
08:00who's only got a few moments to snatch between meetings and so on.
08:03Well, that, of course, is the market that Maddox was aiming for.
08:05Right.
08:06Now, round about this time,
08:07a lot of people are starting to think about going on summer holidays.
08:10Do you have any advice as to the kind of poems that might be suitable,
08:13say, for a family about to embark on a budget bargain-break weekend
08:17fortnight getaway day now?
08:21Well, yeah, can I first of all issue a warning
08:24to any family planning to take poetry on holiday with them?
08:27And that warning is?
08:28Be careful.
08:29Well, that sounds good.
08:31Check with your travel agent
08:32to see if there are any specific customs regulations regarding poetry,
08:34and if you're travelling outside the EEC,
08:36wrap up warm.
08:37Right.
08:38Do you have any particular advice on how to carry poetry abroad?
08:42Ah, yes.
08:43Now, I would say it's definitely worth investing
08:45in a proper travelling poetry bag.
08:47A travelling poetry bag?
08:48A travelling poetry bag, yes.
08:49You can get one of these
08:50at most big high street travelling poetry bag shops.
08:54Right.
08:55Now, I believe you've got one more poem
08:57that you're going to read to us before you go away from here.
08:59That's right.
09:01This is called The Rest Of My Life.
09:04And it's by T.P. Mitchell.
09:06The T.P. Mitchell?
09:07No. Er, T.P. Mitchell.
09:10This is quite solid, but not without being too heavy.
09:12I think it's quite stylish. It's quite reader-friendly.
09:14All right.
09:15So that might suit, say, a young couple
09:16just about to start out in the catering business
09:18in the North Wales area.
09:20Forward and back, said the old man in the dance
09:22as he whittled away at his stick.
09:23Long gone, long gone, without a glance
09:25to the entrance made of brick.
09:27Thank you.
09:28It's all right.
09:31Er...
09:33I don't think anyone here
09:35can fail to be alarmed
09:37by what's happening to our young people.
09:40I'm thinking here of crime,
09:42of drug addiction,
09:44of easy sex,
09:45of all the vices that can destroy us.
09:49It can destroy a young person's life.
09:52And I believe we must look to the schools
09:55to tackle this problem.
09:57Schools must help youngsters
09:59to develop a sense of decent, civilised behaviour.
10:03Because everyone must surely agree
10:05that decent, civilised behaviour
10:08is every bit as important
10:10as being able to subtract or...
10:12or take away.
10:15Basically, the plain and simple purpose
10:18of education
10:19must be to teach children,
10:21young people,
10:22not...
10:23I repeat, not...
10:25to break into my car.
10:29There will be other aspects to education,
10:32I'm sure.
10:33But the most fundamental principle
10:35of decent, civilised behaviour
10:38is
10:39don't break into my car.
10:43Of course,
10:44I am concerned
10:45that young people
10:46shouldn't break into other people's cars too.
10:49But I think that's more of an ethical question
10:52and not really the province of government.
10:55The most important thing
10:57is that they don't break into my car.
11:01And, of course,
11:02we must look to the courts
11:04to sanction this principle.
11:06Community service,
11:08such a favourite with magistrates in recent years,
11:11shouldn't be a matter of simply
11:13scrubbing graffiti off a few lavatory walls.
11:16Young offenders must expect
11:18a short, sharp lesson
11:21in replacing the nearside window of my car.
11:25Because leaving my bloody car alone
11:28is what this government means
11:30by decent, civilised behaviour.
11:34Thank you.
11:35Well, it only takes about ten minutes, apparently,
11:37and when you come out,
11:38you look exactly like Keith Harris.
11:42You don't fither up so easily.
11:45It's very hard to undo it, though,
11:47so you have to be absolutely sure.
11:49So, you'd like to join the SAS?
11:54Not really.
11:55Not really?
11:56Well, yes, all right.
11:57That's better.
11:58So, height?
11:59Nine foot six.
12:02Weight?
12:03Three tonnes.
12:04Well, a bit over.
12:06That's better, a bit over three tonnes.
12:07It's well to be accurate on these matters.
12:09Saves complications later on.
12:11All right, do you have any particular disabilities?
12:13I've got no sense of taste.
12:14Uh-huh, what, in films, music?
12:16No, food. I can't taste food.
12:18Oh, dear, that might be a bit of a problem.
12:20Might that be a bit of a problem?
12:21I've just said it might be a bit of a problem.
12:22All right.
12:23Never mind, pressing on.
12:24Special skills of any kind?
12:26I look good in black.
12:27Excellent.
12:29How old are you?
12:30Ten and a half.
12:32Shoe size?
12:33Twenty-eight.
12:34Any particular quirks?
12:36Yes, I keep muddling up my shoe size and my height.
12:40I mean, my height and my shoe size.
12:42Oh, there, I've done it again.
12:43All right, all right.
12:44Are you good at small talk?
12:45What, weather and traffic?
12:46That sort of thing.
12:47Yeah, I can hold my end up.
12:48Splendid, splendid.
12:49How much do you know about the SAS?
12:51Uh, well, not much, really.
12:53Not really, right.
12:54Well, the SAS was originally founded to be a crack-secret,
12:57elite-secret and crack-assault force
12:59to work behind enemy lines during World War II.
13:02Right.
13:03Now, our role has changed substantially since that time.
13:06Now we are here primarily to act as a masturbatory aid
13:08for various backbench MPs.
13:11I see.
13:12Yes, I'm afraid so.
13:13You see, it seems that a lot of today's parliamentarians
13:16are quite unable to achieve sexual gratification
13:18without fantasising about the SAS, you see.
13:21So we have to go about the place being crack-secret
13:24and assaulting and secret and crack all the time
13:26in as elite as possible,
13:27just so these people can keep their marriages intact.
13:30Doesn't sound very exciting.
13:32No.
13:33Have you got anything else on your cards?
13:35Um...
13:36Well, we are looking for someone to go through that door there.
13:39Which door where?
13:40That one there.
13:41Oh.
13:48Yes?
13:49Hello, yes, I've just been looking for a particular book
13:51in the sports section and it doesn't seem to be there.
13:54It's by Ted Cunterblast and...
13:57I think it's called The West Indies A Nation Of Cricketers.
14:01That'll be in the sports section.
14:04Yes, I've just tried that and it doesn't seem to be there.
14:08Who's it by?
14:09Ted Cunterblast.
14:14The West Indies A Nation Of Cricketers?
14:16That's the one.
14:17It's by Ted Cunterblast.
14:19Yes, yeah, I know that, but have you got it?
14:22Well, apparently.
14:25Oh, thanks very much.
14:31There's some bits missing.
14:33Have you read the book before?
14:35No.
14:36Then how do you know there are bits missing?
14:39Is there a problem, sir?
14:42Er, yes, this book is incomplete.
14:45I think not, sir.
14:48I beg your pardon?
14:49What you have in your hands is a copy of
14:51The West Indies A Nation Of Cricketers by Ted Cunterblast
14:54precisely as it was delivered to us, sir.
14:56Well, that's what I said, I told him that.
14:58No, wait a minute, look at this, look at this.
15:00The West Indies aren't much good at cricket.
15:07That's what it says, that's the whole book.
15:10Did you enjoy it, sir?
15:12No, I did not.
15:13This book is supposed to contain an account
15:15of the last five test series against England.
15:17All it says is the West Indies aren't much good at cricket.
15:20I envy you, sir, I can never read a book twice.
15:23Makes me giddy.
15:25Well, where's the rest of it?
15:27The rest of what, sir?
15:28Of this book, apart from everything else, it isn't true.
15:30Oh, ha, ha, not true.
15:31Isn't it, sir?
15:32No, we haven't won a test series against the West Indies
15:35for 14 years.
15:36Oh, now, there I'm afraid I must take issue with you, sir.
15:38Oh, go on, Mr Tweed, take issue with him.
15:41England has not lost a game of cricket since the war.
15:44I beg your pardon?
15:46Even I know that.
15:47We do have copies of Wisden, if you'd like to check.
15:50Yes, all right, let's see them, come on.
15:52Mrs Pope.
15:54England is great and much better than any other country in the world.
15:59You see?
16:00This is ridiculous.
16:01Oh, it's ridiculous, is it?
16:03It doesn't agree with his pet theories, so it's ridiculous.
16:06Thank you, Mrs Peart.
16:08Sir, I am a librarian, but I am also an Englishman.
16:13To be blunt, I am an Englishman who merely happens to be a librarian.
16:17If God forbid, I happen to be a librarian.
16:20I am an Englishman who merely happens to be a librarian.
16:23If, God forbid, the day should come when I would have to choose
16:26between being a librarian and being an Englishman...
16:28Yes, yes, yes, I think I get the idea, yeah.
16:30Good, because may I say that I find your continued efforts
16:32to drag down and smear this country of ours
16:34to be frankly disgusting.
16:36I'm not trying to smear and drag down anybody.
16:38I suppose you'd rather read books about England losing at cricket
16:41than winning, wouldn't you?
16:42Well, yes, if it's true.
16:44Then I feel sorry for you.
16:47He's a knocker, that's what he is.
16:49How do you do, Mrs Peart?
16:50Oh, it's very easy to knock, isn't it, you,
16:52with your snide university ways.
16:55Snide university?
16:57Oh, wherever it is you went.
17:00So often these days, sir, we see, don't we,
17:02these so-called clever people
17:04who just can't wait to tear down and destroy.
17:06And knock.
17:07And knock, yes.
17:08But do they ever have anything to put in the place
17:10of the things that they destroy?
17:11No, it's wanton destruction.
17:13Nothing awful?
17:14Well, yes, just fine.
17:15A bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes you really have to wonder
17:17in this country, you do.
17:20Well, um, I started on the piano.
17:23Then I moved up onto the mantelpiece.
17:26Now, Mr New, do you claim...
17:28That's right, yes, I do claim, I do indeed claim, yes, that's right.
17:32Yes, you claim to be able to bend spoons using psychic energy.
17:36Psychic energy, yes, that is the method I have chosen
17:38to bend spoons with, yes, that's right.
17:41How long have you had this ability?
17:42How long, exactly, yes, that's absolutely correct.
17:44How long, yes, indeed.
17:46Well?
17:47Thank you, you are very sympathetic.
17:48Sometimes it's difficult when people are not sympathetic,
17:50but you are sympathetic, thank you.
17:53Can you do other things with spoons apart from bend them?
17:55I can do anything with a spoon.
17:57Really?
17:58Yes, you give me a spoon and I will give you the whole world.
18:01Well, that's an impressive claim, certainly.
18:03Thank you.
18:04Thank you.
18:05No, thank you.
18:06Right, well, um, we have a selection of spoons here.
18:09I wonder if you'd care to give us a demonstration.
18:12I'm not a freak, you know.
18:14Yes, I realise that.
18:15People think that I'm some kind of circus freak.
18:17I'm not a freak.
18:18No, no, I'm sure no-one here...
18:19Freak!
18:20They sometimes shout at me when I'm walking down the street,
18:22but, you know, I'm no freak.
18:23Well, that must be rather distressing.
18:24Yes, it is.
18:25Thank you, you are very sympathetic, yes, thank you.
18:27Right, um, I...
18:28Would you care to have a go, then?
18:30Yes, I will bend a spoon now, yes, I will, yes.
18:32Right, well, ladies and gentlemen,
18:33Mr Nude is now going to bend a spoon using psychic energy.
18:37Yes, now is when I'm going to bend.
18:39I'm going to bend the spoon now.
18:40Right.
18:41Right.
18:42Go ahead.
18:46I don't know if your cameras can get in close
18:49to see what has happened here,
18:50but the spoon is very bent.
18:51If I show you an ordinary spoon,
18:53you can see that this is now extremely bent.
18:57There you go.
18:58Well, the spoon is certainly bent.
19:01Of course it is, of course it is bent.
19:03I bent it, so of course it is bent.
19:05Yes, that much is clear and beyond argument.
19:07No, forgive me, I am very tired now.
19:08It is very tiring for me to bend spoons,
19:10and I have bent too many spoons today.
19:12How many spoons have...
19:13I bent four spoons today.
19:14It's too many, you know.
19:15I'm not a circus freak, I'm a human being.
19:18Yes, forgive me, Mr Nude.
19:20No, of course.
19:21Yes, thank you.
19:22No, thank you.
19:23But from where I was sitting,
19:24it did rather look as if you bent that spoon with your hands.
19:28What are you saying?
19:29Well, simply that...
19:30What is this?
19:31It's a bent spoon.
19:32A bent spoon, yes, so there.
19:33Yeah, but the question is, how did it become bent?
19:36You know, I'm not so sure that I like you as much now.
19:39I think maybe you're not so sympathetic after all.
19:42Maybe.
19:43Are you sure it isn't fraud
19:44that people shout at you in the street?
19:48Now, hey, look, mister,
19:49it is you who make the claims.
19:51You know, I bend spoons with psychic energy.
19:53I never claimed to be able to bend them with my hands.
19:56That is your claim.
19:57Well, you certainly did bend them with your hands.
19:59Yeah, well, yes,
20:00maybe the psychic energy does flow through my hands, yes.
20:03But the fact is that the spoon is bent.
20:05Well, I can bend spoons with my hands.
20:07I never claimed that my powers were unique.
20:09Always I stress that anybody can bend a spoon.
20:12And my book is not expensive, by the way.
20:15Yeah.
20:16You see?
20:17You know, it just amazes me
20:19that I ever thought that you were sympathetic, you know?
20:22Because I now know that you're not sympathetic at all.
20:25And do you know what I have in here?
20:27Now the beginnings of hatred for you, yes?
20:29Well, next week we shall be examining the claims...
20:31If viewers in the Matlock and Buxton areas of Derbyshire
20:34would like to check their cutlery drawers,
20:36they will find a bent spoon
20:38and an unused Weetabix special offer coupon.
20:40Also, I can reveal that viewers in the town of Datchet
20:43over the age of 14 have a slight itch on their eye
20:45which they are scratching as I speak.
20:47Goodnight.
20:48Pop-up, pop-up.
20:50I haven't done this for ages, has it?
20:52I wouldn't suck it.
20:56Ladies and gentlemen,
20:57we were going to be doing a sketch for you at this point.
21:00But we're not now.
21:01Yes, we're not going to be doing it now.
21:03Or ever.
21:04Or ever, probably.
21:05Unless this country radically changes direction.
21:09Which looks unlikely.
21:10Which, on the face of it, does seem to be unlikely.
21:12The reason we're not going to be doing this sketch
21:14is that it is a sketch which contains a great deal of sex and violence.
21:18A great deal?
21:19Yes.
21:20Lots of sex, lots of violence.
21:22During the course of the sketch,
21:24Stephen hits me several times with the golf club.
21:27Which, in the ordinary course of events, of course, wouldn't matter,
21:30except that I do it very sexually.
21:33This is easy.
21:34He does it so, so sexually, I just wish you could see it.
21:37I really do.
21:38And the sketch ends with us going to bed together.
21:43Violently.
21:46Very, very violently.
21:49Now, this raises problems.
21:51Not for me.
21:52No.
21:54Nor, indeed, for me.
21:55But Sir William...
21:56Sir William, now Lord Rhys Mogg,
21:58the chairman of the Broadcasting Standards Council,
22:01has seen our sketch and he didn't like it one bit.
22:04Well, he liked it one bit.
22:06He liked it one bit, but he didn't like it lots of other bits.
22:10Now, we wouldn't want you to run off to Cornwall
22:13with the idea that Sir William's remit
22:15with the Broadcasting Standards Council
22:17is so sweeping as to be a kind of government thought police.
22:20No, no.
22:21The concern, as always, is primarily for standards.
22:24Standards. Standards.
22:26For the sake of our children.
22:28And so, in a generous spirit of give and take,
22:31Sir William has taken our sketch.
22:34And we have given it to him.
22:36And he's written another one for us to do instead,
22:38which is completely free of any gratuitous sex and violence.
22:41And shows due and proper regard for decency and standards.
22:45Standards.
22:46Promoting family values and protecting our children.
22:49Sir William has called his sketch, quite simply,
22:51Bitch Mother Come Light My Bottom.
22:54And we're going to do it for you now.
22:57So, Bitch Mother Come Light My Bottom by Sir William.
23:00Now, Lord, re-smog.
23:07Good morning, sir.
23:09Warming.
23:10Yes, indeed, sir. It is a good morning.
23:12I do believe we are in for a spell,
23:14as they used to say in the music halls.
23:16Not too hot, but not too mild neither.
23:19Mm.
23:22Ray, the weekend just passed, sir.
23:25May I enquire as to whether sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness,
23:29or did events prove themselves to be of an otherwise nature?
23:32No, very pleasant, thank you.
23:34Very pleasant, thank you.
23:36Thank you, sir.
23:38Then, might I take it, sir, that for that period,
23:41you were not within the boundaries of Lincolnshire,
23:45where I understand it rained like a bitch?
23:48No, I was nowhere near Lincolnshire.
23:50Sir, I am uplifted to hear such things.
23:54No, my wife and I spent the weekend in Hull.
24:01Sir is married?
24:03Yes.
24:04I had literally no idea.
24:06Never mind.
24:08Sir, my remissness in failing to felicitate sir
24:10upon the joyousness in good tidings
24:12is something I fear I shall have to live with for the rest of my life.
24:15Now, to business.
24:17Being one of the shrewdest sirs who has ever swum into my purview,
24:20may I take it that sir is keen to exploit
24:22the financial and social advantages inherent in having a haircut?
24:25A haircut, that's right, yes.
24:27Of course, a haircut is a hair enhanced,
24:29if sir will entirely fail to slash my throatlet for being so old.
24:33Now, sir, the hair in question is?
24:35What?
24:37The hair currently under advisement belongs to?
24:39What do you mean? What do I mean?
24:41Yes.
24:42Sir, I sneak myself towards the suspicion
24:45that sir has cast me as the mouse in his ever-popular cat drama.
24:51It's my hair. I want you to cut my hair.
24:53Your hair? Yes.
24:54So your own hair is the hair upon which this entire transaction is to be funded?
24:58Of course.
24:59Why would I come in here to get you to cut someone else's hair?
25:02Sir, please set fire to my legs if you think I'm trying to make
25:05haircutting sound more romantic and glamorous than it really is.
25:09But believe me when I tell you that in my position,
25:11one cannot be too careful.
25:13Really?
25:14Yes, indeed, sir.
25:15Once and once only have I had to cut the hair of a gentleman against his will.
25:19And believe me when I tell you that it was both difficult and impossible.
25:25No? Well, it's my hair.
25:26Your hair? Yes.
25:27Now, sir, we proceed to that most important of stages.
25:32Which one?
25:36Which one what?
25:37Which one what?
25:38Which of the manifold hairs upon sir's crisp and twinkling headage
25:42would sir like to place in my professional care
25:45for the purposes of securing an encampment?
25:48All of them.
25:49All of them? Yes.
25:50Sir is entirely sure?
25:52Well, of course I'm sure. What's the matter with you?
25:54Sir, I seek not to question the profoundness of sir's wonder,
25:57merely to express my own humbleness at the prospect of so magnificent a charge.
26:01No?
26:02Well, all of them.
26:03All of them? Yes.
26:04All of them? Yes.
26:05My word.
26:06Is that a problem?
26:07No, indeed, sir. No, indeed, sir.
26:09Not a problem, sir.
26:10So far from being a problem, sir, as you would not believe.
26:14I merely hope that sir can take time off
26:16from what I know is a very hectic schedule to appreciate
26:18that for me to cut all the hairs on sir's head
26:21represents the snow-capped summit of a barber's career.
26:25But you've done it before, haven't you?
26:27Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
26:29Yes, I once cut all the hairs on a gentleman's head in Cairo shortly after the war
26:33and, as in uproar unto a young man, everything seemed possible.
26:36Once?
26:37It would be bootless to deny that I was a younger and better-looking barber then,
26:41but let's hope that the magic has not entirely disappeared up its own rabbit hole.
26:45We shall see. We shall see.
26:46Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
26:47Wait one cotton-picking minute here.
26:49Sir?
26:50You've cut someone's hair, all of it, that is, once since the war.
26:54Sir would prefer it if, in the sphere of total hair-cuttation,
26:56I was to him a virgin?
26:58Beg your pardon?
26:59Yes.
27:00That I can respect.
27:01What?
27:02The desire that we should both of us embark upon this journey together as innocents,
27:05as wide-eyed travellers to a distant land,
27:07unknowing of our fate, careless of our destination,
27:10to emerge some day somewhere bruised, sad,
27:13a little wiser, perhaps, but ultimately and joyously alive.
27:18Goodbye.
27:22Sir is leaving?
27:23Yep.
27:24May he favour me with an explanation as to the whyness?
27:26Of course.
27:28I don't believe you've got the faintest idea how you're going to end this.
27:33Sir could not be more wrong if he tried.
27:36Oh, really?
27:37Yes.
27:38Well, go on, then.
27:39Um...
27:40Now, you see, you're completely stuck, aren't you?
27:42No, no, no, no, I can...
27:43I can convincingly end this sketch in 45 seconds.
27:4545 seconds?
27:4645 seconds.
27:47All right, then off you go.
27:49Um...
27:50If sir would care to resume the seatedness of his posture?
27:52Okey-doke.
27:56May I assume that, sir, it's close to the level of maximum comfort?
27:5940 seconds.
28:00Very good.
28:01Very good.
28:02Um...
28:03I shall just go and fetch the necessary tools.
28:09Oh, ha-ha, it's going to be a chainsaw, Ross.
28:25I wouldn't have said it would do you any harm, unless you suck it.
28:31Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
29:01Oh, dear.
29:02Oh, dear.
29:03Oh, dear.
29:04Oh, dear.
29:05Oh, dear.
29:06Oh, dear.
29:07Oh, dear.
29:08Oh, dear.
29:09Oh, dear.
29:10Oh, dear.
29:11Oh, dear.
29:12Oh, dear.
29:13Oh, dear.
29:14Oh, dear.
29:15Oh, dear.
29:16Oh, dear.
29:17Oh, dear.
29:18Oh, dear.
29:19Oh, dear.
29:20Oh, dear.
29:21Oh, dear.
29:22Oh, dear.
29:23Oh, dear.
29:24Oh, dear.
29:25Oh, dear.
29:26Oh, dear.
29:27Oh, dear.
29:28Oh, dear.
29:29Oh, dear.