Richard tries to save his wallet from losing some weight when he and Hyacinth attend an estate auction in the country and Liz and Emmet dodge Hyacinth in the manor halls. Meanwhile, a Mrs Braddock has commandeered Onslow's car and is impersonating his dog, which has gone missing. In the end Hyacinth comes away with several bottles of "the Dowager Lady Ursula's homemade gooseberry wine" and gets drunk
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FunTranscript
00:30Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
00:41Richard, what's the matter?
00:43You know what's the matter. It's the sale tomorrow.
00:47Oh, I know. I'm excited too.
00:51I'm not excited. I'm terrified.
00:55The thought of you at a sale.
00:57Oh, I do love a sale.
00:59Especially the thought of you at a country house sale.
01:02Especially country house sales.
01:05You get carried away.
01:07You think that because things have belonged to the aristocracy,
01:10they must be worth twice as much.
01:12You know, the truth is, I always think that because things have belonged to the aristocracy,
01:17they must be worth twice as much.
01:20There you go. Pious hint. You must not go beyond our limit.
01:25Richard, go to sleep, dear. You'll need all your energy for tomorrow.
01:37Oh, who's that at this hour?
01:42Hadn't you better go and find out?
01:46Me? Suppose it's a mad strangler.
01:51They don't usually knock on the door.
01:55If it was a mad strangler, he'd have come through the window, wouldn't he?
01:59He'd still send me down, even if he did come through the window.
02:04Why don't you go?
02:06I'm busy keeping the bed warm for you.
02:12It's Mrs Braddock.
02:14Oh, not her again.
02:16What does she want now?
02:18Same as last time. She says father promised to marry her.
02:22Well, send your father down.
02:24There's no reason to keep the whole house awake just because he's getting married.
02:28He can't stand her.
02:30Well, why did he promise to marry her?
02:32He says he didn't. He said he only offered her a temporary position.
02:38I know just how she feels.
02:45Now, Pious Hint, remember your promise. You won't go beyond our limit.
02:50What about the hand, dear?
02:52Oh, well, yes, we might stretch as far as a second-hand hat.
02:56What do you mean, a second-hand hat?
02:59I bought this one new.
03:01Oh, that hat.
03:03Now, Richard, I want you to tell me if this looks like a mingling with the aristocracy hat.
03:10It's fine, fine.
03:12No, I don't want any snap judgments, dear.
03:14Please try to remember that this will be among some very aristocratic hats.
03:19It's fine, fine.
03:21Don't be silly, dear.
03:23Yes, this could easily be mistaken for an aristocratic hat.
03:27Just as long as you don't mistake my checkbook for an aristocratic checkbook.
03:35You ready?
03:36I think they're going out.
03:38I'd rather wait until the coast is clear before we step outside.
03:41Well, why don't we just go before they come out?
03:45We might bump into them.
03:47She'll sing at me.
03:49She'll ruin my day.
03:51You've really got a thing about Hyacinth.
03:54That's because she's the kind of person it is very easy to get a thing about.
03:58You're a grown man.
04:00And she's a grown-a-minute.
04:03Marvellously eminent.
04:05Just let your mind go blank.
04:07I do.
04:08Oh, Liz, Liz.
04:10It's so much simpler.
04:13It's so much simpler just to wait a few moments until they've gone.
04:17And then they can go their way and we can go our way.
04:20And our day will be complete.
04:23How do you know they're going out?
04:25Because Richard's got the car out.
04:34Very nice.
04:36Nice, he says.
04:38Is that the best you can manage?
04:40Today could be the day I'm mistaken for someone important.
04:47And if anybody should mistake me for someone important,
04:51let them think what they may.
04:54After all, it's only an accident of birth that I'm not someone important.
04:59Well, I am someone important.
05:02It's simply an accident of birth that I'm not even more important.
05:07Even more.
05:09Aristocratic.
05:13She spends like an aristocrat.
05:28What are we going to do about Mrs Braddock?
05:31Is she still hanging about?
05:33I haven't seen her, but what are we going to do about her?
05:36Well, if she's going to make that racket every night, your father will have to marry her.
05:41Oh, nice.
05:43I hope you're going to be the one to break it to our hyacinth.
05:47Fancy having to tell our hyacinth father's got to get married at his age.
05:55How come he doesn't want to marry her?
05:57He usually wants to marry everybody.
05:59Mrs Braddock's horrible.
06:01Everybody he's ever been involved with's been horrible.
06:05Maybe he likes horrible.
06:07But it's amazing how many do.
06:10You should see what some of my gentleman friends have to go home to.
06:15I could never settle for horrible.
06:21It always has to be stylish.
06:25That was all right when I was young days.
06:28But it can be a heck of a strain.
06:32The constant battle to remain attractive.
06:41You said left. You said, go left.
06:44You probably thought I said left when I said right.
06:48Why would I do that?
06:50Because you're in an argumentative mood, dear.
06:54I noticed it first thing this morning. You were very offhand about my hat.
06:59Anyway, now you have the map out, do you know where we are?
07:02Yes.
07:04Lost.
07:19Father says, would you make sure that Mrs Braddock's not about.
07:24He wants to go out.
07:26We don't go out if Mrs Braddock's about.
07:29Why don't you go out and check if Mrs Braddock's about?
07:33She bites.
07:35She looks to me like someone who might possibly be septic.
07:40And that's just her face.
07:43Anzlo, will you go out and see if Mrs Braddock's about?
07:47Oh, nice. Doesn't matter if she bites me and turns me septic.
07:52She won't bite you. She likes men.
07:55She bites me. She likes men.
07:59That was before I discovered bacon sarnies.
08:05Oh, go on, Anzlo. I'll hold your bacon sarnie for you.
08:09No, you won't.
08:11I've seen you before with bits of some poor bloke's bacon.
08:18I'll go out when I've finished me sarnie.
08:22Which way this time? Left or right?
08:26Right.
08:39No left.
08:51No, as you were. Turn right.
09:03Watch out for animals.
09:05What animals? I can't see any animals.
09:07This is the countryside. There are always animals.
09:10Well, never mind about the animals. Are you sure that this is the right way?
09:14I'm quite sure.
09:18Stop trying to confuse me, Richard. I hate it when you confuse me.
09:23Mind the car. There's a car coming. I can see the car coming.
09:28I believe it's Elizabeth and Emmett. Flash your lights.
09:38Thank heavens they're going the other way.
09:42I didn't like Heysen's hat.
09:46I didn't like Elizabeth's hat.
09:49Never mind about the hat. Can you see where we are on the map?
09:53Yes, I have my finger on the spot.
09:56We go along here for a little while and then we come to some crossroads.
10:05She's not out here.
10:07What are you doing?
10:09Go and see if she's in the street.
10:11Street? Nobody said anything about the street.
10:14All you said was go and see if she was outside.
10:18Just go to the gate and look both ways.
10:21And if you see her, tell her to go away.
10:24Oh, nice. The pace of modern life.
10:31Be careful.
10:33He's not parachuting into occupied France.
10:36I don't want him injured.
10:38Why? What have you heard?
10:40How fierce is this Mrs Braddock?
10:42Oh, she's not fierce. She just gets a bit excited.
10:47Think hard. You remember excited.
11:05All clear.
11:06Great.
11:09Oi!
11:15He promised he'd marry me.
11:20Mrs Braddock, what are you doing in the car?
11:23When you're my age, he likes to sit down.
11:31Where's my dog?
11:32Run away. Help him.
11:34You haven't been biting my dog.
11:37I touched him.
11:41Here, girl. Here, girl.
11:47Come on, girl. Come on, girl.
11:50Where are you?
11:57I'm here, love.
12:01Not you, Mrs Braddock.
12:04Come on. Come on, dear.
12:09That last signpost, I'm sure it said Nettleford was that way.
12:13Well, I didn't see it.
12:14I'm sure I read it correctly.
12:17Richard, should you be reading while you're driving?
12:23Now, do come along, dear. We'll never reach the sail.
12:27Time is not on our side.
12:31Richard.
12:33Doggy.
12:53There you are, Richard. I told you I'd find you the way.
13:01Okay.
13:15I've been looking forward to this, Liz.
13:17It's been a while since I've been to a sail.
13:20And then to top it off, there's that wonderful feeling of peace and serenity
13:25that comes from knowing that Hyacinth is travelling somewhere in the opposite direction.
13:32Yes, it's a rather special feeling.
13:34A bit like waking up and thinking it's all been a bad dream.
13:46Anyway, you can forget about her today and relax and enjoy yourself.
13:50I intend to.
13:55Bye.
14:04Oh, I did like Derek. You know, Derek was a gentleman.
14:07He never went out in a car without something to put between a person and the damp grass.
14:14Thank heavens you're here. Can you change the programme?
14:17What channel do you want?
14:19Two.
14:21That's great, Dez. Nobody does it like you.
14:27Do you think we ought to take some tea out to Mrs Braddock?
14:30Oh, don't make her too comfy. She'll be there forever.
14:34It just feels rotten drinking tea and thinking of her sitting out there in that old car.
14:41How do you think the dog feels?
14:45You took Mrs Braddock breakfast. What more does she want?
14:49I can't enjoy things when I know she's out there.
14:57Just bear in mind she's got to go sometime. I can't live forever under this dog.
15:04Why don't you put the dog down and nurse me?
15:09Take Mrs Braddock a cup of tea.
15:13I knew he'd say that.
15:15I knew he'd say that.
15:17Oh, let Father take her a cup of tea. It's his fault she's here.
15:20Why can't they both live in the car? Then we could rent the spare bedroom.
15:25He doesn't like her enough. He just regards her as a plaything.
15:30I know the feeling.
15:34Well, we could let her in and put Father in the car.
15:38Bless her. I'm going to take her a cup of tea.
15:46Oh.
15:52There you are, you see. I brought you straight here.
15:58I don't know what all the fuss was about.
16:02Oh, yes. I do like the house.
16:06Oh, you see. There you go. Getting carried away. We cannot afford the house.
16:16I think I'd do something about the curtains.
16:20I think the curtains are rather bourgeois.
16:22The curtains are rather bourgeois.
16:43And if people should mistake me for someone aristocratic, I don't want you telling them I'm not.
16:49It'll simply confuse them.
16:51It's only good manners to let them believe it.
17:01Excuse me, my good man. Could you direct me to the auction chamber?
17:05Just through the arch, madam, and it's the first door on the right.
17:08Thank you.
17:10How courteous.
17:12Clearly a faithful retainer of the old school, you can always tell.
17:16Should I tip him?
17:18I wouldn't, if I were you, Hyacinth.
17:21No, you're probably right.
17:23Anything as coarse as money would obviously shock.
17:28My lord! Her ladyship would like a word.
17:32She's in the blue drawing room.
17:36You see? I knew he was quality.
17:40Oh, I wouldn't bother looking at any of these.
17:48Have you seen the estimated prices?
17:51Well, of course, these are not really to my taste.
17:55I was looking for something more like Gainsborough's Blue Boy.
17:59Only cheaper, dear.
18:02Excuse me.
18:04Yes, madam.
18:06We were wondering if you had anything like Gainsborough's Blue Boy.
18:12I'm afraid not, madam.
18:14Oh, pity.
18:16What about a beautiful painting of a basket of flowers?
18:20I think not, madam.
18:22Oh, isn't anyone painting baskets of flowers anymore?
18:26I have a beautiful one at home.
18:29It's the work of a Miss Patience Fullerton.
18:32Are you familiar with the work of Miss Patience Fullerton?
18:35I don't think so, madam.
18:37She's very talented.
18:40You can almost smell the flowers.
18:46Oh, I know.
18:48What about something like The Sunset by Mr. Van Gogh?
18:52Yes.
19:03Oh, a little like Daddy when he was younger.
19:17There are some lovely things here, Liz.
19:19Beautiful.
19:21I'm glad we came.
19:22So am I.
19:23What are you going to bid for?
19:24Practically everything.
19:30That's almost identical to my own dear Royal Doulton.
19:35I have sinned.
19:38You know, I think I was happiest with Derek
19:41until tragedy struck, his wife found out.
19:45She was so selfish.
19:47He was cross-eyed.
19:50He wasn't.
19:51He just had an attractive, lazy eye.
19:55Onslow's got one.
19:57It goes all the way down to his boots.
20:03Just play the card, Dave.
20:06Snap!
20:10Now, ladies and gentlemen, lot 83 in your catalogues.
20:14A fine pair of ornamental vases.
20:17Oh, Richard, I like those.
20:19No, you don't.
20:20None of these prices.
20:22No, but that's just an estimate.
20:24They could well realise more.
20:26Yeah, exactly.
20:28Now, where can we begin, ladies and gentlemen?
20:30£100?
20:31Yep.
20:33Sit on your hands.
20:36Will anyone start me on £100?
20:38£75?
20:40They're getting cheaper.
20:42Sit on your hands.
20:45£50.
20:46£50 I'm bid.
20:47Your bid, sir, by the window.
20:48£50 I'm bid.
20:49£60.
20:50Your bid, madam.
20:52£60 I'm bid.
20:53£70.
20:54£70 I'm bid.
20:55£80.
20:56£80.
20:57£90.
20:58£100 I'm bid.
21:00£110 I'm bid.
21:02All done at £110.
21:04Sold to the gentleman by the window.
21:18And now, ladies and gentlemen, lot 142 in your catalogues, this Victorian ornamental
21:29screen.
21:30Richard!
21:31It's Elizabeth and Emmet.
21:34Are you opening the bidding, madam?
21:39No!
21:40No.
21:41Stop waving.
21:43You gods.
21:44You know, we ought to have bid for that screen.
21:47It was beginning to feel just like home.
21:50Now, your next item, ladies and gentlemen, is something of a family curio.
21:55Six bottles of the Dowager Lady Ursula's homemade gooseberry wine.
21:59Apparently, the old lady was something of an expert in the production of country wines,
22:04and these have been selected for you.
22:07Apparently, the old lady was something of an expert in the production of country wines,
22:11and these have been in bottle for a considerable number of years.
22:15The Dowager Lady Ursula's homemade gooseberry wine.
22:19We're all right.
22:20I think that might just be within our range.
22:23Now, then, will anybody start me at £10?
22:28Yes!
22:32Sold.
22:38Oh, Richard.
22:42It'll be the crowning moment of my next candlelight supper
22:46when I offer my guests a glass of the Dowager Lady Ursula's homemade gooseberry wine.
22:55Don't drop any, Richard.
22:57Oh, look, there's his lordship.
23:00Hello, your lordship.
23:02Oh, hello.
23:05I see you've bought old Mumsy's dynamite.
23:08Oh, yes.
23:10I've always had an eye for quality.
23:13One way to ruin your eye is drinking too much of that stuff.
23:16Really?
23:19And it's entirely handmade by the Dowager Lady Ursula.
23:23Absolutely.
23:25The rest of us ran a mile from old Mumsy's scrumpy.
23:29I think perhaps we ought to be going, Harrison.
23:33Oh, Richard, not before we've invited his lordship
23:36to join us in a toast to the good lady responsible for all this.
23:40A toast to Mumsy?
23:42One can hardly decline that.
23:44Let's go inside.
23:46Oh, how nice.
23:50Well, a very interesting day, your lordship.
23:54Though there weren't quite enough of our sort about the place.
24:02Stand by to crack open a bottle, Richard.
24:11Standing by to crack.
24:15Oh, Mumsy, England, how beautiful this land.
24:23Is it wrong about old Mumsy's dynamite?
24:27You know, to tell the truth,
24:29I wouldn't be surprised if that's not what killed her.
24:34I think that she'll be all right once we get her into the car.
24:38Thank you.
24:40I do hope, your lordship,
24:43that some day you'll give me the pleasure of entertaining you
24:46at one of my candlelight slippers.
24:50You shall most deferably be having a glass or two
24:54of the dodgy Lady Ursula's home-goose-weed-berry-mine.
24:59Oh, there, there is she.
25:03Oh, dear.
25:05Why is he tying me up?
25:09Why is this child tying me up?
25:13I'm being held a prisoner, your lordship.
25:17A white woman wearing a hat.
25:19What is the world coming to?
25:23Unhand me for that.
25:30I am putting your seatbelt on.
25:36Oh, Richard, thank heavens you got here in the nick of time.
25:43Goodbye.
25:46Goodbye.
25:53Don't turn left, Richard. Straight on.
25:57But why?
25:58I want to take a little gift to Daddy.
26:01A bottle of the dodgy Lady Ursula's
26:04go-made-woosberry-hine.
26:08By the pillerbox.
26:10Minding the pillerbox.
26:12Drink to me only with thine eyes.
26:20Are we here already?
26:43You're sure that you want to do this?
26:47Richard, I'm perfectly capable of knowing my own mind.
26:54Hyacinth!
26:56Yes, dear?
26:57It's this way.
27:13Hmm.
27:18What are you doing now?
27:21Not a word, Richard.
27:35Come on, Richard.
27:42Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
27:55I don't know if you'll all join me in a bottle of the dodgy Lady Ursula's
28:00hay-mowed geeseberry-woo.
28:04Hmm.
28:12Thank you.