Keeping Up Appearances - S05 E10 - The Hostess
An excited Hyacinth has put an advert in the local newspaper to teach people social etiquette, but the clientele proves far different from what she expected. It turns out they wanted a striptease dancer as a result of misreading her advert. Before leaving, she has to send Richard to get Daddy out.
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00:30was that the papers are you asleep Richard I'm surprised you can sleep you
00:46know it's an important day for me I'll be surprised if you can sleep much
00:54longer did you both the door door it's that thing that stops there being a
01:05hole in the wall a particularly dangerous time for intruders what
01:14happens to them I'm only thinking of our safety I don't want you worrying about
01:23intruders I wasn't worrying I was asleep lucky you I might be asleep if I thought
01:31you'd bolted the door why don't I go and bolt the door Oh Richard what a kind
01:43thought and see if the papers come while you're there oh that's what this is all
01:52about I thought I heard a noise it might have been the paper could have
01:58been an intruder and check the back door while you're there
02:08there it is have a good look lad that's the house the laird of the dragon lady
02:23mrs. Buck she's why we get up an hour early because it's worth it just to be
02:30able to walk down that path and delivered her milk without getting
02:33caught
02:44you want me to go better not I promise your mother I'll look after you you take
02:53that side I'll go I can do it just as long as I know she's safely in bed I'm
03:12checking as I go good question she's not getting up is she what kind of a man
03:33are you making your wife get up this early she's not getting up can I have
03:38that in writing I hope so right I'll clear this up just make quite sure that
03:46she's not getting up who are you talking to the milkman why is he always so early
04:00nowadays I miss our little chats yes so does he at every opportunity Richard
04:14you're not going back to sleep again it doesn't look like it surely you're a
04:19little excited to think I'm on the verge of a new career yeah I am a little
04:24excited I'm very sleepy and a little excited
04:40I must be up when the paperboy comes suppose when he pushes it through our
04:47letterbox he tears the very page displaying my advertisement I thought
05:00you were going I was going but her since keeps popping out every 30 seconds like
05:06a demented cuckoo clock I'm never gonna make it without her spotting me I thought
05:12you wanted to be early today I did want to be early but not so badly that I want
05:16to get entangled with Hyacinth you can't just stay indoors because you might meet
05:21Hyacinth oh yes I can I know when I'm well off there she goes again what on
05:29earth is she doing
05:46I'm never gonna make it you won't if you don't hurry I thought I heard him how
06:10can you hear a paperboy half asleep in trainers how much noise could he make I
06:15do hate it when they're late oh is he late perhaps I better make a phone call
06:22who would you call for a lost paperboy you can't call anybody he won't be lost
06:29he'll be on his way I wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately because I made him wash his ears
06:37what gave you cause to do that I caught him poking them
06:42I will not have my papers delivered by someone who pokes his ears
06:50you brought the paperboy in to wash his ears good heavens no Richard of course I didn't
06:58do I look like the kind of person who'd have a paperboy indoors
07:03no I took him out a wet wipe
07:08and I stood over him until he'd done the job properly
07:12I may not be able to influence many other ways of this world
07:15but at least my paperboy has clean ears paperboy
07:27oh what a beautiful gooey good morning Emmett off to work then no no I thought I'd just pop
07:36out and begin strangling overpowering ladies oh that's nice have you seen the paper so that's
07:44who you're waiting for I have an advertisement in the paper this morning I want to make sure
07:49they've placed it somewhere suitable I know what you mean Hyacinth there are certain things that
07:54we encounter in life that we'd all love to place somewhere suitable ah there he is now about time
08:01I'm sorry Emmett I can't stop to converse
08:06we must have our chat some other time young man
08:24what has happened to you have you ever tried to catch a paperboy
08:31tea tea oh is your advert in oh see if you can find it will you dear
08:41oh I can't focus properly the world's dancing about oh
08:49oh I'll have to collect myself before the phone begins to ring
08:53now that my advertisements appeared I shall be inundated with calls
08:57you'll have to help me Richard are you sure it's in this week look for somewhere prestigious
09:04it's quite small but they promised specifically to put it somewhere prestigious
09:08and what does it say experienced hostess offers her services for your special occasion
09:18followed by my telephone number
09:21well it is that all no wonder I can't find it
09:28short and dignified dear you know me I'm never one to go on at length
09:35not a lot of people know that
09:39don't be silly dear don't be silly here it is here it is short and dignified
09:46ah it's a big day for me Richard this could be the start of something important
09:55I could become the Barbara Cartland of the West Midlands social circuit scene
10:00yes not to mention a paperboy wet wiper of the year
10:06it's not just a career Richard it's my duty to share my impeccable taste for a well-laid table
10:14in my own small way I shall begin to advise and educate the nation in gracious living
10:21for my advanced classes I shall teach people to sparkle incandescently at their candlelight suppers
10:32oh I do hope you'll stop me Richard if I ever decide to chase another paperboy
10:40now what shall I wear to answer the telephone
10:44now you used to like me in that pink dress you used to say wow Dave's that pink dress
11:01what was it you liked about my pink one
11:04my pink dress you said you liked me in that pink dress oh days what kind of way is that to wake a
11:17person up other people get a cup of tea he said I looked really edible in that pink dress
11:28you haven't got a pink dress not now you tore it off me that night
11:34I tore it off you yes you did you must have been on fire
11:47it was you that was on fire you said I look like a strawberry ice with caramel topping
11:57you had to be prevented from licking me all over
12:05how long ago was this
12:11it was before we were married I figured that much
12:16will you come here a moment dear
12:20tell me does this look suitable for what for answering the telephone
12:29does it really matter what you look like answering the phone well of course it matters
12:33Richard people have a right to expect their social advisor to be suitably attired when
12:39answering the telephone Richard it could be my first client the McKay residence the lady
12:53oh it's you Violet Violet I can't stay long on the telephone dear
12:58I'm expecting some very important business calls I don't remember tearing your dress off
13:06are you sure you were with me do you mind I don't usually tear your dress off I've noticed
13:15I've usually got it off before I get through the door
13:18it was one of Rosa's engagement parties
13:22well that doesn't narrow it down much
13:26your Rose has had more engagement parties and I've had bags of crisps
13:31I heard that father's already up and dressed what's his hurry oh he goes to his hobby circle
13:38today but that's not till this evening he doesn't want to be late Rose who were you getting engaged
13:46to when I wore a pink dress a pink dress I can't remember me neither it was at one of your
13:55engagement dues what was I wearing well it wouldn't be white I can tell you that much
14:03but where are we going now sit there Richard and then you won't miss any calls
14:11I can hear the phone perfectly well from the lounge no you'll be quite comfy dear
14:16read something look the telephone book
14:21now I won't be a moment I'm simply going to invite Elizabeth for coffee well why don't
14:26you phone her that's what you normally do Richard we have to keep this line free it's bad enough
14:34that calls from people responding to my advertisement we'll have to take their
14:38turn stacking up at the exchange without making BT's life even more difficult
14:43no we may have to have a second line in store
14:47oh anyway if there's a call for me fetch me immediately I'll do that
14:55oh and do answer the telephone nicely Richard the way I do
15:00the lady of the house speaking
15:18no I do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls
15:22this is not the Chinese takeaway and will you please get off my white slimline telephone with
15:28last number redial we'll soon find out when it was I've got Rose sorting out photos from her
15:35engagement parties well you better give it a hand to carry them otherwise she'll give herself a hernia
15:42there's some of Rose's photos in here it's somewhere
15:47we can put that album on one side those are me early ones yes we can forget about the black and
15:53white ones and the sepia
16:11there you are dear thank you Harrison I'm so glad you could come Elizabeth but don't be surprised
16:19if I have to dash off to answer the telephone sounds very exciting this new venture of yours
16:24Harrison yes doesn't it also I feel it's a duty on my part you know good taste is so very rare
16:33these days there's a whole world out there in need of my advice cream oh thank you Harrison
16:40what exactly are the services you're offering oh everything connected with social etiquette
16:49and gracious entertaining sugar thank you everything from how to lay a table in the
16:55manner of your social betters oh no tongs to advice on menus for the unimaginative
17:04unimaginative the kind of things people experience at my candlelight suppers
17:15I wouldn't mind a coffee Richard go and sit by the telephone dear
17:22we will hear it in here excuse me Elizabeth do help yourself to a biscuit dear
17:28now look Richard I cannot be in two places at once I want you to sit here with pencil at the
17:37ready to take down names and addresses but I can hear the telephone perfectly well in the kitchen
17:45precisely delicious aren't they
17:50look I couldn't say this in front of Elizabeth but she does have this unfortunate habit of dropping
18:00something every time the telephone rings if this happens I might be distracted torn between the
18:07ringing and the fate of my polished table or handmade Burmese rug now sit here with your
18:16pencil at the ready
18:20fitting with my pencil at the ready
18:29oh I liked him I wish you'd married this one oh that one yes it looked all right but it was
18:37underpowered he was underpowered any more breakfast you've drunk it all
18:51who's this when were you engaged to this I don't know are you sure it's one of mine
19:00well that's you on his arm
19:01oh yes I don't remember him at all
19:1122
19:1423
19:17would you like a little top up dear oh no no no that's fine thank you Hyacinth well you
19:21mustn't let it get cold I shall also advise of course on appropriate music for elegant soirees
19:32and I know just the person to help me there Emmett
19:42we get on so well your brother and I
19:46I'm sure he'd enjoy working out a program with me oh soggy bickies
19:55Emmett's very busy Hyacinth perhaps on special occasions the two of us could
20:00perform together musically only for my very best clients of course I want this whole thing
20:07to be stately and gracious the essence of the art of entertaining lies I always think
20:13in establishing an atmosphere of grace and decorum oh
20:17oh
20:23okay residents the lady of the house speaking oh it's you Daisy it's my sister Daisy
20:32she's not the one with the Mercedes sauna and room for a pony Richard get out of the way
20:40who was in the way
20:42oh Daisy what is it dear look I can't stay long on the telephone this is now a business line I'm
20:51expecting clients to call how's daddy ah dear daddy daddy's gone to his hobby circle I knew
21:00daddy was a born philatelist do I remember who dear Rosie's fiance's yes I'm afraid I do remember
21:08Rosie's fiance's the one in the green suit well I mean I can't remember his name but I do vaguely
21:17remember someone in a green suit Richard whom did Rose become engaged to in a green suit
21:24I don't think I've ever seen Rose in a green suit
21:30not her him or should that be not she he
21:35thank you for the coffee Hyacinth oh it was a pleasure Elizabeth
21:43I'd rather you didn't climb over the wall dear
21:46somebody who's read my advertisement might just happen to be watching
21:55you will tell Emmett about my little plans for him oh I think perhaps you'd better tell him
22:00I'm sure he'd be thrilled I'm sure he'd be more than thrilled
22:06and tell him he mustn't be shy I'll be there with him
22:12he'll be with someone who knows how to conduct herself in social situations
22:17Hyacinth telephone Richard please don't shout in the street
22:26it's not like you to go about shouting in the street you've got a client
22:38how do I look
22:50hello scintillating socializing
22:53senior soiree staff supervisor speaking
23:00how many are you 20 oh no we enjoy the larger functions yes no good being elegant if there's
23:09no one there to see it our fees oh well I'm sure that normal professional rates will be adequate
23:18yes I think I can promise you you're in for a treat
23:24address
23:2724a
23:31market street oh that's nice and central yes and time six o'clock and when today today
23:41oh well it is rather short notice but don't worry we shan't let you down goodbye
23:51oh Richard Richard my first clients 20 people all wanting to improve their social graces
24:00my musical friend how's you look amazing thank you I'm going consulting soon I hope
24:19immediately I'm on my way now if only Richard would stop dawdling
24:25Richard
24:34what a pity Emmett couldn't come I'm sure he was devastated he would have so enjoyed it I don't
24:42know who these people are but they're clearly interested in music they invited me to bring my
24:48own why do they need music background dear mind the pedestrian she is on the pavement
24:56she might decide to cross uh minding the pedestrian
25:05I can't see 24a can you I can't even see 24
25:10stop the car
25:1636 we must have passed it reverse Richard
25:21because this is a one-way street oh really fancy choosing a one-way street
25:27I can't choose we'll have to walk back
25:40so
25:48come along Richard don't dawdle I mustn't be late I'm on the double
25:58oh here it is one of our shop why not a group of like-minded enthusiasts need somewhere central to
26:06hold their meetings now wait here Richard I'll go and relieve their minds they must be wondering
26:10where I've got to oh and I'll find out what time you should come back and pick me up
26:27hello Richard David hello let you out on your own has she
26:32I shouldn't have said that it just slipped out oh it's all right no it's not a very subtle
26:38observation fairly accurate almost then don't mind my asking and how long have you been married now
26:4532 years 32 years good heavens still look on the bright side you should be due for parole soon
26:54come along Richard
27:01what's the matter what is it what a mercy I didn't bring my
27:06royal duketon with the hand-painted periwinkles where are we going
27:12we're going home oh get this door open Richard
27:17oh give me those keys but it can't be over already it is for me
27:25they misread my advert
27:29they were all men and they thought I was going to be a striptease artist
27:33artist
27:44now don't get settled Richard you have one last task to perform
27:50what's that to go back into number 24a why for goodness sake to get daddy out
28:03so
28:33so