Final episode. Hyacinth and Richard arrive at the church hall as Hyacinth organises a pageant based on the English Civil War, with herself as Queen Henrietta Maria and Richard as Charles I. However, all of the volunteers supposedly taking part are unable to make it. At a last-minute attempt to get the show off the ground, Hyacinth invites Onslow, Daisy, Rose, Bruce and Violet to participate. Later in rehearsals, however, Hyacinth falls foul of a stage accident, after accident prone Liz pulls the wrong rope. Meanwhile, Daddy is dancing the tango with a man.
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00:30CHARGE!
00:33Charge! Richard, charge!
00:36What is it?
00:39Has it been charged?
00:42Oh, what has Sheridan been up to now?
00:45No, no, no, dear. My new mobile phone.
00:49Is it on charge?
00:52Oh, yes, I put it on charge last night.
00:57Well, please go and check, dear.
00:59I shall need it with me all day while I'm directing the rehearsal.
01:07I hate historical pageants.
01:11Why do I have to be King Charles?
01:15Because you're married to me and I shall be Queen.
01:20Now, why doesn't that surprise you?
01:23Do you ensure it's fully charged, Richard?
01:27The only batteries running down round here are mine.
01:37Be gods, that must be urgent.
01:40Probably some poor devil desperately in need of assistance.
01:43Vicarage?
01:45Correction, it's not urgent, it's just irritating.
01:49It's the bucket woman.
01:52What does she want at this hour?
01:55Find out.
01:59Hello, Mrs Bucket.
02:02I'm sorry, my husband's just been called away.
02:06He'll be at the church hall all day.
02:10Directing the rehearsals for the pageant.
02:14The pageant.
02:16Oh, yes, I remember.
02:19I don't know how we'd ever have got this pageant off the ground without you, Mrs Bucket.
02:24In fact, I don't think we'd even have thought about a pageant without you, Mrs Bucket.
02:29Yes, of course, we'll pop in later to see how the rehearsal's going.
02:34You'll have to go show some interest.
02:38Oh, that's nice.
02:40Yes, I'll write that down.
02:42Pencil.
02:45Yes, I've got that, thank you, Mrs Bucket.
02:49Yes, we'll see you later.
02:51Thank you for calling.
02:53What does she want?
02:55To let us know we can get in touch with her any time of day.
02:58Oh, well, that's a relief.
03:00To think we can get in touch with her any time of the day.
03:04Doesn't she realise the trick is not to get in touch with her any time of the day?
03:08What were you writing down?
03:10The number of her new mobile phone.
03:12Oh, good heaven, she's mobile now.
03:15Bucket Woman fully mobile.
03:18She's going to be an epidemic and there's no cure.
03:21Why did you let her take charge of the pageant?
03:24I thought Emmett was doing it.
03:26Until she came along, I think Emmett thought Emmett was doing it.
03:34Take it through to the changing rooms, dear.
03:38And do be careful with my crown.
03:41In the middle of a civil war, would the Queen be wearing her crown?
03:46It's a question of morale, Richard.
03:48Keeping up the people's spirits.
03:53I expect the peasants love to see me wearing my crown.
03:59You follow Richard through, dear.
04:02And tell all our volunteers I'll be with them in a minute.
04:12As soon as I've made a call on my mobile phone...
04:15I did tell you I'm now on a mobile phone, did I, Elizabeth?
04:18Yes, Hyacinth, several times.
04:21I'd like my friends to have my number.
04:24Oh, I think we've all got your number, Hyacinth.
04:27Oh, dear Emmett, what a tower of strength you are.
04:32I shall be surprised if you don't end up as one of the Queen's favourites.
04:37Perhaps you'd begin by getting our volunteers into some kind of order.
04:42Alphabetical or monastic.
04:44No, you are, Emmett.
04:47No, begin sorting out the roundheads from the cavaliers.
04:51They can practise their curtsies for when I enter.
04:54Though I shan't be wearing my crown just yet.
04:58I don't want to blind them with royalty too soon.
05:02Hello.
05:04Hello, is that the local paper?
05:07Hmm.
05:09Well, I wish to speak with your editor, please.
05:12Hmm?
05:14Tell him this is Mrs Hyacinth Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T,
05:19calling on her mobile phone.
05:23From the church hall,
05:26where she is directing a rehearsal of the pageant,
05:30and will be available for photographs if he cares to send someone round.
05:35Oh, well, I'm sure he'd wish to send someone round.
05:39We are, after all, reconstructing one of the area's most important historical events.
05:44Hmm?
05:46I'm sure he'd wish to send someone round.
05:50I think your editor would agree with me
05:54that it is of paramount importance
05:57for people to be made aware of their local history,
06:00especially with the council tax due to go up again.
06:03However, would you please tell him
06:06if he wishes to speak to me, he may do so
06:09on the number I shall now give you,
06:11which is my personal mobile phone
06:14with last number, redial and one-touch facility.
06:18Hello? Hello?
06:20Oh, that's funny.
06:22Must have clashed with a banner headline.
06:41If your Rose is in love with a Spaniard...
06:45She's done Spain.
06:47She's on Central Europe now.
06:50What's she getting romantic for at this time of the morning?
06:53It's not like our Rose.
06:55She's not usually up this early.
06:58Maybe she's just come in.
07:00Maybe she thinks it's still last night music.
07:03Rose, will you turn that music down?
07:07Oh, it's not me. It's Father.
07:11He's taking dancing lessons from a Mr Crabtree.
07:17Your father's dancing with a Mr Crabtree?
07:20Well, they were dancing to No Other Love of I.
07:26I'm going to have to change his pills.
07:30I should do it fairly quickly.
07:35That's better. People will see it there.
07:39Oh, up a bit with that, dear.
07:41Well, how far?
07:42No, that's too far.
07:44If you were to be too far, I would have bet my headless hat on it.
07:48You'd better put these church notices back, dear.
07:52Right.
07:53Hyacinth, about those volunteers.
07:56Oh, sort them into two groups.
07:58Graceful ones for cavaliers, clumsy ones for roundheads.
08:02Well, I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem, Hyacinth.
08:04There always is, dear. It's probably those clumsy roundheads.
08:09I shall be in in a moment to organise them personally.
08:12In the meantime, try to keep them quiet.
08:15Oh, they're quiet?
08:16They're very quiet.
08:19Was that my mobile phone?
08:23Richard, did you hear my mobile phone?
08:26You keep asking me that and I keep saying,
08:28no, I can't say I did hear your mobile phone.
08:31I'm sure I heard my mobile phone.
08:35No, perhaps not.
08:37I do hope you made sure it was fully charged, dear.
08:41Oh, come along, Richard.
08:43Leave those church notices.
08:46We have to go and organise our volunteers.
08:49Come on, dear, come on.
08:53Door, dear.
08:57Now then, all you volunteers,
09:00Now then, all you volunteers,
09:02graceful ones on the left, pudgy people on the right.
09:11Where have they gone?
09:13Where have my volunteers gone?
09:15Don't ask me. I'm not guilty.
09:18Where has Elizabeth taken my volunteers?
09:22Um, Hyacinth, that's the problem.
09:25I haven't taken them anywhere. There's no one to take.
09:28But where have they gone?
09:30Well, I don't think they've gone.
09:32I think they never came.
09:34That's very peculiar.
09:36Didn't they know I'd be here?
09:38Yes, I think they knew you'd be here.
09:44Emmett!
09:59Any more breakfast?
10:01Have we any more?
10:03There's another can in the fridge.
10:05Oh!
10:14Do you think your father ought to be dancing with a Mr Crabtree?
10:18He fought for freedom, didn't he?
10:28Shh!
10:36I can't understand why they're not here.
10:39I made a point of asking them personally to volunteer.
10:43How very sporting of you to give them advanced warning like that.
10:49Hello, Mrs Davy.
10:51Yes, I'm calling you on my mobile phone.
10:54It's Hyacinth Bouquet here.
10:56Hello? Hello?
11:01There must be a bad connection.
11:03I'll try another number.
11:05I cannot understand why they're all not here.
11:10They can't have confused the date.
11:13I made it very clear.
11:15Mrs Gilby, I'm calling you on my mobile phone.
11:20It's Hyacinth Bouquet here.
11:22Hello? Hello?
11:25No.
11:27Strange.
11:29I'm sorry, no luck.
11:31None of them can come.
11:33Why ever not, dear?
11:35They all have reasons, very inventive reasons.
11:39Did you see Mrs Drummond? Why can't she come?
11:42Her mother is ill.
11:44Mrs Lomax's grandmother is ill.
11:47And Mrs Duffield's great-grandmother is ill.
11:52Oh.
11:58I'm sorry, Hyacinth.
12:00It's father's dancing lesson.
12:03He wants to be ready for his holiday in Spain.
12:07You want what?
12:10You want Onslow to be a roundhead?
12:15In a civil war?
12:18Oh, will there be any danger?
12:21I don't want him in the thick of any fighting.
12:24No, I don't just want Onslow.
12:26I want all of you, everybody.
12:29Hmm, I need volunteers.
12:32My other people didn't turn up.
12:35Everybody seems to be ill.
12:38There's an epidemic doing things to grandmothers you just wouldn't believe.
12:44So, see how many you can bring, will you, Daisy?
12:48The roundhead and cavalier was in jeopardy.
12:51I'm going to phone Violet.
12:53Are you sure? That's a good idea, Hyacinth.
12:56How do you mean, dear?
12:58Well, when I spoke to Violet yesterday,
13:01she and Bruce were having a war of their own.
13:04Oh, I expect they've patched that up now.
13:06One of them will have surrendered.
13:09Now, hurry up, will you, Daisy?
13:12I need to have everything ship-shaped before the vicar arrives.
13:15Goodbye.
13:17These creases aren't coming out.
13:20Well, is your iron hot enough?
13:26Yes.
13:27Well, is it the right temperature for the fabric?
13:32You've got it on the right setting.
13:35Oh, you're on man-made fibres.
13:38It doesn't say roundheads or cavaliers.
13:43Sometimes I think Robinson Crusoe must have been a woman.
13:46Come on, get on with it. Richard's doing it.
13:49Richard's doing it.
13:51Richard can manage anything.
13:53I wouldn't say that.
13:55Sometimes when I watch you and Hyacinth together,
13:57I think to myself, Richard could manage anything.
14:01Well, I suppose I am fairly adaptable,
14:03but then I've always had a good incentive.
14:05Richard!
14:07Oh, that's it.
14:12You know this, when I got divorced,
14:15it was the worst thing in the world.
14:17But since then,
14:19I've learnt that there's something worse than being divorced.
14:22What's that?
14:23Not being divorced.
14:27Now, Richard, I may not have had much luck with my volunteers,
14:31but fortunately the family are rallying round.
14:34Violet and Bruce are on their way, and I've called Daisy,
14:38so it's all hands on deck,
14:41which means, Richard, that Onslow's coming.
14:44You've invited Onslow?
14:46It is an emergency.
14:48Well, it must be.
14:50Now, I want you to wait inside the entrance
14:53and grab him as soon as he arrives.
14:55I want Onslow in costume as soon as he walks through that door.
15:00Onslow is a roundhead I can cope with.
15:03Onslow is Onslow. I don't care to think about it.
15:08You'll make a great roundhead.
15:11Only promise to be careful.
15:14I would have liked a choice.
15:17I would have liked somebody to say,
15:20Onslow, do you fancy roundhead or do you fancy cavalier?
15:24Cavalier.
15:26You'd make a great cavalier.
15:31You just think I'm great.
15:33I do, I do.
15:35I take your point.
15:40How do I look?
15:42I don't think they'll have any suitable parts for a dress like that.
15:46Oh, I'll change, I'll change.
15:49Are we taking Father?
15:51She said bring everybody.
15:53What about Mr Crabtree?
15:55She said bring everybody.
15:57Father, you are going, and bring Mr Crabtree.
16:01Father, you are going, and bring Mr Crabtree.
16:07You will be careful being a roundhead and everything.
16:14Daze, we're only acting civil war.
16:17We're not actually doing civil war.
16:20I hate to go to war.
16:22Just come back to me, Onslow.
16:25Oh, Daze.
16:27Please knock it off.
16:31Ah!
16:38Oh, there isn't time for that now.
16:47I thought I heard a car.
16:49Now, if it's Onslow, grab him straight away and put him into costume.
16:55Oh, it's a Mercedes.
16:57A Mercedes.
16:59It's Violet and Bruce.
17:01Go and fetch Elizabeth and Emmett, will you, dear?
17:04Have they met my sister with the Mercedes sauna in Room for a Pony?
17:08Several times.
17:10Well, fetch them anyway.
17:12It's time they renewed the acquaintance.
17:14Mrs Partridge?
17:16Yes, this is Hyacinth Bouquet speaking.
17:19Yes, have you forgotten the pageant?
17:22Really?
17:24Oh!
17:26Oh, I am sorry your grandmother's ill.
17:30Oh, hello? Hello?
17:32Oh, there you are.
17:34Just in time to say hello to Violet and Bruce.
17:37You can't leave me.
17:39Oh, come back to me, Violet.
17:41Think about Scandal, the children, the alimony.
17:46We can catch them later.
17:48Off you go, back to your ironing.
17:50You know I love you.
17:52Deep down you know I love you.
17:54I can't afford not to love you.
17:57Such a devoted couple.
18:04I didn't know he was married.
18:06Well, you know now.
18:08The swine told me he was divorced.
18:10He was divorced. Then he married me.
18:12Slow learner.
18:14The swine.
18:16I know he's a swine, but he's my swine.
18:18You can keep him.
18:20Oh, I see he's not good enough for you now, is he?
18:22He's like a pillock to me.
18:24Look, if I catch you anywhere, it's me.
18:26We've got to go.
18:28Could you postpone this fight till later?
18:30I haven't finished with her yet.
18:32Come with us.
18:34You can finish it on the way.
18:36We've got to go to a pageant.
18:38Well, I'm not dressed for going anywhere special.
18:40You can say that again.
18:42You'll be all right.
18:44You'll be a civil war.
18:46How tired did you have to be for a civil war?
18:52If I need you, where will you be?
18:54Beyond human recall.
18:56Visiting the far corners of my parish.
18:58Where exactly?
19:00Zimbabwe, if I can manage it.
19:02It's no good. You can't avoid it.
19:04You're going to have to call in
19:06and cast your eye over the rehearsals for the pageant.
19:08Can't you go?
19:10You could go. It'd be a change for you.
19:12I'll come with you.
19:14And that's bravery beyond the call of duty.
19:16But it's your responsibility.
19:18You'll have to be there.
19:20She seems impossible as a bucket.
19:22Imagine what she's going to be like as a queen.
19:26It seems such a shame
19:28it was the poor old king that lost his head.
19:34And what did you do in the great civil war, Daddy?
19:36I ironed, son.
19:40I ironed for hyacinth.
19:42And remarkably well, too.
19:44I can make use of those pianist fingers of yours in the future.
19:48I'm strengthening these fingers
19:50for a noble purpose.
19:52One day they're going to be wrapped
19:54round the throat of a certain party.
19:58I know she's a great fan of yours.
20:00Oh, I love you, Violet.
20:02Get lost!
20:04You know I'd do anything to stop you divorcing me
20:06and going off with half our property.
20:10Have you seen my sister, Violet?
20:12They've just gone through.
20:14Rapidly.
20:16Yes, with all his business interests
20:18he never has a moment.
20:20He's always on the move.
20:22He was certainly on the move when they passed through here.
20:24I think he must have heard you coming, Harrison.
20:28Doesn't he iron beautifully?
20:30Of course he does.
20:32He has such musical fingers.
20:42I'm sure I heard a car.
20:44I did. I heard a car.
20:46Now don't forget, Richard.
20:48Grab Onslow as soon as he walks through that door.
20:50He's not usually wearing much he can grab.
20:52Exactly.
20:54So whisk him away and get him into costume.
20:56And he's not exactly built for whisking.
20:58Oh, be firm, Richard.
21:00Remember you're the king.
21:14He's always had a weakness for brassy tarts.
21:16Slipped up with you then, didn't he?
21:18How long has it been going on for?
21:20I'd like to know.
21:22Mr. Moody and I are barely acquainted.
21:24I've seen him coming in at two o'clock in the morning
21:26from that barely acquainted.
21:28Oh, of course.
21:30Needn't have been returning from me, you know.
21:32I'm not the only person that's available
21:34at that time in the morning.
21:40Daisy, who is that person you brought with you?
21:42It's just a friend of a friend of Rose.
21:44You said bring everybody.
21:48Onslow, you haven't shaved.
21:50You're going to have to get used to the ravages of war.
21:54Go with Richard. Try your costume.
21:58I don't know why everybody takes it for granted
22:00that Onslow is around, Ed.
22:02He'll always be a cavalier to me.
22:06I hope we've got a baldrick your size.
22:08Yeah.
22:10Nothing worse than a skimpy baldrick.
22:20I do hope Daddy doesn't overextend himself
22:22in the tanger.
22:26Give us a couple of four-packs, love.
22:28I can see the trials ahead.
22:30Yes, sir, certainly.
22:38Right.
22:40You've got the hang of the lighting.
22:42Well, yeah, I think so.
22:44It's not a question, Liz. It's an order.
22:46You've got the hang of the lighting.
22:48Next thing is the curtain.
22:50Oh, no, please.
22:52Oh, no, no, not the curtain as well.
22:54It's not difficult.
22:56All you have to do is pull on the rope.
22:58The end one.
23:00As well as the lighting.
23:02I suppose in my spare time I shall be out there
23:04selling ice creams.
23:06Me, sister dear,
23:08we're all here at the beck and call of something
23:10that is larger than all of us.
23:12There's a destiny that shapes our end.
23:14And at this moment it's getting dressed as a queen.
23:20Richard, how do I look?
23:22Fine, fine.
23:24Fine?
23:26Shouldn't that be majestic?
23:28Oh, that's what I meant.
23:30Majestic.
23:32Mercifully,
23:34I've invited a second,
23:36a more professional opinion.
23:38What is it, Hyacinth?
23:40I'm trying to get the stage arrangements finished.
23:42Oh, dear Emmet,
23:44I want your opinion on my dress as queen.
23:48Is it regal, do you think?
23:52It's suggestive.
24:00Suggestive?
24:02Exactly.
24:04That is what's wrong, you see, Hyacinth.
24:06She was French, you know.
24:08The Queen of England, French?
24:10Her name was Henrietta Maria.
24:12She married Charles on the 1st of May, 1625,
24:14in Paris, by proxy,
24:16and then subsequently at Canterbury on the 13th of June.
24:18Oh, yes, of course.
24:22I must have got it mixed up with Charles II.
24:24Possibly.
24:26Oh, it's all very confusing, isn't it?
24:28Because he married another Henrietta.
24:30Catherine Henrietta of Braganza,
24:3221st of May, 1662.
24:34That's right,
24:36and she was the English one.
24:38No, she was the daughter of the King of Portugal.
24:40They got married in Portsmouth.
24:423pm on a Wednesday,
24:46and it was raining.
24:48Oh, don't be silly, Richard.
24:52Oh, a musician and a historian, Emmet.
24:54Well, actually, I have been doing a bit of research.
24:56I think it's important
24:58that these things be accurate.
25:00My feeling's precisely right.
25:02Charles I's queen was French.
25:06I'll bear that in mind.
25:10Most historians generally agree
25:12that she was quite a provocative lady.
25:16Provocative?
25:18Apparently.
25:20So I think your costume ought to be a little more...
25:22French?
25:24Vous ne pensez pas Votre Majesté?
25:32Oh, cheer up.
25:34Just smile nicely and it will soon be over.
25:36I think I'd rather have been in the real Civil War.
25:42It doesn't sound like a Civil War tune.
25:46Get your body home, woman.
25:48Let's have a bit of this nonsense.
25:50And when I do get you home,
25:52you try it and I'll hit you
25:54where I hit you last time.
25:58I think the dialogue's a bit forceful, don't you?
26:10Any time you want him back,
26:12just say the word.
26:14I don't need your word to get my husband back.
26:16You should keep him at home.
26:18Then he wouldn't get into any trouble.
26:20Are you showing your legs on your...
26:22accessories?
26:24I'm going to have to do something about this dialogue.
26:28Hello, on stage.
26:30Oh, hello, Vicar.
26:32We're just getting ready
26:34for the entrance of the Queen.
26:36Ready.
26:38Richard,
26:40who wrote the dialogue for this piece?
26:42I think Hyacinth did most of it.
26:44It's really quite strong.
26:46Oh, good.
26:48I will be pleased.
26:50Now, can we have
26:52the lights up, please,
26:54and the fanfare
26:56for the entrance of the Queen, please?
26:58Yes, yes.
27:00That one to there.
27:02That one right the way up.
27:04Fanfare, fanfare, fanfare.
27:18Where is
27:20my husband,
27:22the King?
27:24That's it.
27:26I've seen enough.
27:28Finished. Quite unsuitable.
27:30Curtain! Curtain!
27:32Yes, and one.
27:34Oh!
27:36Hyacinth!
27:46Hyacinth!
27:48Hyacinth!
27:54Oh, Richard,
27:56if I'm going to die...
27:58Oh, you're not going to die.
28:00Please make sure
28:02Anselo wears a tie at the funeral.
28:07It was just a bump
28:09on the head, Mrs Bucket.
28:11Tell God it's bouquet!
28:36APPLAUSE
29:06THE END