Are You Being Served - S06 E05 - A Bliss Girl
A stall to sell "Bliss" perfume has arrived on the floor, but because of the thick fog, the Bliss salesgirl has not arrived. It is then decided that Mr. Humphries should sell the perfume instead so he is then made to staff the stall. This means that the Menswear Department is undermanned, so Mr. Rumbold orders a furious Captain Peacock to work the menswear counter instead of Mr Humphries. Guest starring Jan Holden and Bernice Adams. Jan Holden was the Great Aunt of TV presenter Amanda Holden.
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00:00A foggy day in London town, he led me low, he led me round, he led me round, he led me
00:29through, he led me down, and suddenly I saw you there, lo, lo, Mr Rumbles.
00:35Morning, Mr Harmon. What are you doing?
00:37I'm glad you asked me that. I'm running this tube up and down this carpet due to the fact
00:42that there is a motor in here which causes a vacuum and thus sucks up the dust off of
00:48the carpet. It goes down that pipe into a bag. It is what is known as oovering up the
00:52dust due to the fact that oover was the first in the market. Now, if goblin had been the
00:56first in the market, I'd be goblin up the dust.
00:59I merely meant why are you doing it and not the cleaners?
01:02Well, seeing as how it's the worst fog we've had since 1953, they phoned up to say there
01:06wasn't coming. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone's coming.
01:09Well, there's only two on the ground floor. Mr Ackroyd's walking about with a candle stuck
01:13on his head so they know where to go to get their bill signed.
01:16Well, how did the fog get in there? Some silly bloke left the side door open.
01:20How very careless. I don't know who it was, but rumour has
01:22it he's a bald-headed person with one or two other outstanding features.
01:31Enter the Demon King.
01:34Apparently some idiot left the side door open and filled the place with fog.
01:38Yeah, well, the culprit is disguised as...
01:40That will do, Mr Harmon. You should be down in the basement.
01:43Oh, very well, but first I'm going to the pets department to procure for myself a canary
01:48which I will put in a cage and lower to see if the atmosphere down there is suitable
01:52for my respiratory organs.
01:55Come on, R2-D2.
01:59Well, at least you're here on time, Peacock. Congratulations.
02:02Quite by chance. I was coughing myself to death at the bus stop when a vintage Rolls-Royce
02:08drew up, and inside was none other than young Mr Grace.
02:11Without winding down the window, he mouthed the words,
02:15I don't suppose he wanted the fog getting into his car.
02:18Indeed he didn't. I travelled eight miles on the running board.
02:22Oh, well, report to me when the others do arrive. I have an important announcement to make.
02:26Certainly, sir.
02:36Mr Lucas, what on earth are you doing in that?
02:39That's charming, isn't it? First time I've been early in three weeks,
02:42and that's a welcome I get.
02:44You surely haven't hopped all the way from Highgate?
02:46I couldn't get home last night because of the fog,
02:48so I spent the night in the camping department.
02:50Unfortunately, the zip is stuck.
02:52Oh, here, get out of this thing. Look, there, the store's open.
02:57Oh!
03:08Mr Lucas, you have just lost us a sale. Now, where are your clothes?
03:12They're still in the tent.
03:14Go and get them on, and get a dressing gown out of stock.
03:19Oh, blimey! It's going to be one of them days, isn't it?
03:24Give us a hand. I've got Mrs Slocum in here.
03:28Push that side. I'll push this. Now, push.
03:30Push.
03:35It's all clear in here, Mrs Slocum.
03:39Oh, what about this fog?
03:42Oh, my pussy's been gasping.
03:46HE COUGHS
03:50Oh, and that's for me bronchials.
03:53It's a good thing you had your gas mask.
03:56I had it during the war, you know.
03:581418?
04:01If you're going to have one of your witty days, I'm going home.
04:05Oh!
04:12You'll never believe the trouble I've had getting here.
04:16Mr Humphreys, you haven't gone through the streets like that.
04:19Well, only as far as Tower Bridge. The buses aren't running.
04:22So I got into me gear, I went down to the bottom of the garden,
04:25waved bye-bye to me mother and jumped in the canal.
04:28I thought, I'll turn right at the sluice and come in with the tide.
04:32Apart from a bit of a fracar with a boy at Battersea.
04:35B-U-O-Y.
04:37It was quite an uneventful trip,
04:39till I got picked up by the river police on their arse-dick.
04:42A-S-D-I-C, full stop.
04:46Apparently I was given a very strange reading, so they hauled me in,
04:49peeled me suit off, showed me to the sergeant who took one look at me
04:52and said, we don't keep tiddlers, and threw me back.
04:56What are you doing?
04:58I've just put new batteries in your stress indicator.
05:01Have I worn out already?
05:03Yes. You must be getting very excited recently, you naughty boy.
05:08Yes, well, it's that secretary of mine.
05:11Yes. Well, let's see if your equipment's working properly.
05:16Are you ready for the test?
05:18Yes.
05:20Yes.
05:24Funny, I should be flashing.
05:28Hold on a minute.
05:32Try again.
05:38Are you all right, Mr Grace?
05:40I'm all right. Lucky they're only my reading glasses.
05:45Mr Grace, you asked me to get Mr Rumbold.
05:48Well, he's on the line.
05:53You're looking very pretty this morning.
05:56Oh.
05:58Thank you very much, sir.
06:00How about dinner tonight?
06:02Oh, thank you very much, sir.
06:04Do you want my wife as well?
06:06What are you going on about?
06:08I said, do you want my wife?
06:11You'd do anything to get on in this coat.
06:15I've got a slight problem, sir.
06:18The perfume display from the Bliss people has arrived,
06:22but the Bliss girl who was supposed to serve behind the counter hasn't.
06:26Well, use your initiative.
06:29Oh, right, sir. What shall I do?
06:32Get somebody else.
06:34The Bliss people are paying us £50 a day.
06:37We don't want to lose that.
06:41You sent for me?
06:43Oh, yes, sir.
06:45Unplug my charger, will you? We don't want to waste electricity.
06:54Will there be anything else, sir?
06:56Yes, your card.
07:00Anyway, we both came out of the pictures, you see,
07:03and we got into her sports car,
07:05and she's sitting there brushing her long blonde hair in the driving mirror.
07:09You know, the way they do.
07:11She turns to me and she said, shall I drop you home?
07:14You refused, of course.
07:16Well, no, she behaved herself quite well in the cinema.
07:19Apart from when she reached over to get a chocolate and I had the box on me lap.
07:25That was when she was looking for the one with the art centre, was it?
07:30Yes, she wasn't best pleased when she had to make do with a marzipan.
07:36Anyway, you see, we get outside the front door
07:39and she looked at me, coy like,
07:41and she said, are you going to invite me in for coffee?
07:44And did you?
07:45Well, no, I've got a crack in me coner.
07:48So, anyway, she said, well, we'll have to say goodnight here, then.
07:51And she flung her arms round me neck and she grappled with me like Mick McManus.
07:56You never told me you'd been out with Mick McManus.
07:59If you're going to mock me, I shall not let you be privy to my confidences.
08:04So, anyway, she presses a button and the seat flew back
08:07and there I was, about to be washed away on a tidal wave of passion
08:10when me mother banged on the bonnet with a rolling pin
08:13and gave her a minute to get out before making an honest man of me.
08:20Men's wear.
08:22Warwick, shove it down about there.
08:24That's it, Warwick. There we are. There.
08:26Presenting the Bliss Pong Shop. Where would you like it?
08:29It has to go over there. You and you. Take that counter away.
08:32Ah, don't move. Stand fast.
08:35Captain Peacock, you do not tell my men to take that counter away.
08:39They are under my jurisprudence.
08:41You tell me to take that counter away and I tell them to take that counter away.
08:45Harman, take that counter away.
08:47Mr Harman.
08:49Very well, Mr Harman.
08:51What?
08:53Please take that counter away.
08:55Right. You and you. Counter. Out.
08:58Just a minute.
09:00Put that counter down.
09:02Mrs Snowden.
09:05Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.
09:15I used to have an aunt that said that.
09:18A maiden aunt.
09:20Mrs Snowden.
09:22It is my understood prerogative
09:24Mrs Snowden.
09:26It is my understood prerogative as floor walker
09:28to summon any of my subordinates if I wish to give them my instructions.
09:31Now, will you please accede to my request?
09:33In a word, not on your nelly.
09:36It's exciting, innit?
09:38You can feel the tension bouncing.
09:40Mrs Snowden.
09:42I shall count to five.
09:44And if you have not complied, then I shall make an adverse entry in my book.
09:47Two of them, she gets sent off.
09:50One.
09:51Two.
09:52Three.
09:53Four.
09:54Fall off.
09:57Five.
09:59Mrs Slocum, truculent and impertinent.
10:03Captain Peacock, I may have been truculent, but I was certainly not impertinent.
10:07I've already entered impertinent in my book.
10:10Oh, well, in that case...
10:18Now, let me get this clear.
10:20You wiggled your finger at Mrs Slocum?
10:23I did not wiggle it, sir. I did that.
10:27And Mrs Slocum took exception?
10:29Correct.
10:30What sort of exception did she take?
10:36How dare you, Peacock. I asked you a perfectly civil question.
10:40I was merely illustrating the gesture that Mrs Slocum made to me.
10:45Gestured with fingers. Yes, I've got that.
10:48Were there any witnesses to this sign?
10:51Well, we only saw it from a distance. For all I know, she might have only used one finger.
10:54Mr Humphreys, did you see her raising two fingers?
10:57Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I thought she was doing it to me. She often does.
11:02What, as an inflammatory sign?
11:04No, to save two seats for the canteen.
11:07So Captain Peacock might have misinterpreted this gesture.
11:11Yes. Are there any other complaints concerning Mrs Slocum?
11:14The next complaint I have against her is that she made a noise I objected to.
11:18What sort of noise?
11:22Yes, that is an objectionable noise. Why did you do this, Mrs Slocum?
11:26Well, his wiggling finger got right up my nose.
11:32Peacock, you didn't tell me this. You must give me all the facts.
11:36Now, let's start again. You put your finger up Mrs Slocum's nose...
11:41...causing her to snot in a sort of...
11:47Then, logically, she would put up two fingers to protect her nose from your probing digit.
11:57This, in turn, Mr Humphreys misinterpreted as a request for him to save her two seats in the canteen.
12:10Have you got anything else written down in your book that you'd like me to clarify?
12:14Not on your nose.
12:17Oh, well, if that's it, there's no more to be said.
12:20Rather a waste of time, really.
12:22Yes, indeed, sir.
12:24When am I going to get my counter back?
12:26Not for a week. A young Mr Grace has done a deal with Bliss Perfume...
12:30...so I'm afraid we'll just have to grin and bear it.
12:32I find the two very rarely go together.
12:36But we do have a problem, because the Bliss girl hasn't arrived...
12:40...so I'm afraid you and Miss Brahms will have to handle the Bliss merchandise.
12:45I'm not sacrificing my commission to sell cheap scent...
12:48...and I am unanimous in this.
12:52The counter has to be manned.
12:54Well, there's only two of us. There's three of them.
12:56Why don't one of them do it?
12:58Ungrammatical, but logical.
13:01The question is, which one?
13:07Poo! What a pong!
13:10I have to test it if I'm going to sell it.
13:13Something like that. Secret rendezvous.
13:16Ooh, it wouldn't be easy to have a secret rendezvous, would it?
13:20Everybody would know you'd been there.
13:24Lady and the tramp.
13:27A bit more tramp than lady, though.
13:31Here.
13:32What's that?
13:33Gay divorce.
13:35Ooh, I don't like that. We'll cancel that out.
13:40Poo, what's that?
13:42Butch Cassidy.
13:46Ooh, don't they smell awful when they all get together?
13:49Do you know my old headmaster would give a fortune to smell me now?
13:53He'd say, I knew, I told you.
13:57What sort of a school did you go to, Mr Humphreys?
14:00Mixed.
14:01Oh, yeah, girls and boys?
14:03No, just boys.
14:07Mr Lucas, I'm just going to have a word with Captain Peacock.
14:10Will you take over from me?
14:12Certainly, Mr Tebbs.
14:14Ah, Stephen, are you free?
14:18At the moment, Mr Tebbs,
14:20may I remind you that first names are used only in the canteen
14:23or after and before the bell.
14:25I see. In that case, I don't want to talk to you.
14:30Oh, blimey, that was a short word.
14:32Tidy up that glove drawer, Mr Lucas.
14:34Well, it is tidy.
14:38It isn't, now.
14:41Peacock told you off, did he?
14:46Better into the tie drawer as well.
14:50All right, all right, I give in, I give in.
14:52Ah, Mr Lucas,
14:54I'm glad to see you usefully employed in tidying the glove drawer.
14:58Thank you, sir.
15:00The tie drawer is also in a terrible mess.
15:02I suggest you tidy it up, Mr Tebbs,
15:04instead of standing there twiddling your thumbs.
15:07I am not twiddling my thumbs.
15:09I am in charge of this country.
15:11And if I want my drawers untidied,
15:14I shall have them untidied.
15:22Now, let me get this clear.
15:24There's been yet another fracker on the floor.
15:26One thing I want to get straight right away.
15:28Did Captain Peacock put his finger up your nose?
15:32Oh, of course he didn't.
15:34Well, then what caused you to lose your temper?
15:36He was sticking his nose into my business.
15:39Noses do come into it, I thought so.
15:41There's always a common factor, you know.
15:43This whole dispute is caused by the perfume counter.
15:46And what's perfume associated with?
15:48Noses.
15:49Quite extraordinary.
15:51It's because Mr Humphreys is on the perfume counter.
15:54Mr Humphreys is on the perfume counter
15:56and unable to exercise his tidy influence on Mr Tebbs' counter.
16:00It's got nothing to do with tidiness, Mr Rumbold.
16:02It's because Mr Humphreys isn't with us and we're under manned,
16:04and that's upset Mr Tebbs, doesn't it?
16:06Right. There would be raised eyebrows in the trade
16:08if we were found out that I'd been alone in the gents with a junior.
16:15Yes, I do take his point, don't you, Peacock?
16:17Absolutely, sir.
16:19But I didn't take Mr Humphreys away.
16:21I would never allow Mr Tebbs to have less than two assistant salesmen.
16:24You're quite right, Peacock. I was wrong.
16:27It's obviously causing bad feeling and I shall rectify it immediately.
16:30Yes, sir. Shall I ask Mr Humphreys to return?
16:33No, no. You will take his place.
16:39I will take his place?
16:41That's what I said.
16:43I must protest.
16:44No, no. This is not a matter for discussion. I've made a decision.
16:47I'm not taking over as senior salesman serving behind the men's counter.
16:50Oh, quite correct.
16:51You are taking over Mr Humphreys' position
16:53as assistant salesman under Mr Tebbs.
16:58I'll show you the ropes.
17:02You'd better sign for your tape and chalk.
17:05If this gets into the Floor Walkers Gazette, you'll be ruined.
17:09Let me get one thing straight.
17:11Mr Lucas will still be under me, will he not?
17:13Of course.
17:15Good.
17:20Just come this way, madam.
17:22We'll try it on in the fitting room.
17:24It's just behind that curtain there.
17:28Take over, Mr Humphreys.
17:30Yes, Mrs Slocum.
17:50LAUGHTER
18:20LAUGHTER
18:50LAUGHTER
19:16So it is true, then. You have been demoted.
19:19I wouldn't be surprised to see a poppy
19:21growing over there in the spot where you used to stand.
19:25It's all over the building. I just couldn't believe it.
19:28Not Captain Peacock reduced to the ranks.
19:31I don't do harming.
19:33Excuse me. Are you senior enough to sign for these sweaters?
19:38Oh, that's a swanky pen for a junior.
19:41I am not a junior. Now get about your business.
19:43If you want to be careful, if you come down the stockroom,
19:46we always de-bag new boys.
19:48LAUGHTER
19:56What are you doing, Steve?
19:58Mr Lucas, you will continue to address me as Captain Peacock,
20:02and I would have thought that it was obvious
20:04even to a man of your poor intelligence that I am folding a sweater.
20:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:12No, no, no. Mr Tebbs would never stand for that.
20:15Excuse me. Now, he likes it like this, you see.
20:17Face down, fold that side over there like that,
20:19bend the arm down there, fold that one in like that,
20:21bend that arm down there, then over there like that,
20:23and there you are. You've got it, you see.
20:25You'll soon learn. A couple of weeks, you'll soon get the hang of it.
20:27I shall not be here in a couple of weeks.
20:29Well, that's up to Mr Rumbold, isn't it?
20:31I mean, he goes like that and you jump.
20:33Do you know, I felt really sorry for you in there.
20:35I mean, I thought to myself, he made you look about that big.
20:38I thought to myself, what a come-down I fought
20:40after all those glorious years in the pay corps.
20:43The Royal Army Service Corps.
20:45Whatever it is.
20:47I mean, to have to accept that sort of humiliation lying down,
20:49but I mean, what else can you do at your time of life?
20:52I mean, even if you resign and go to the labour exchange,
20:55what's going to happen?
20:57Yes, I can see it all now.
20:59There you are in the queue, you get up to the counter,
21:01you put in your card and a voice says,
21:03Not in, Peacock. What are we going to do with you, Mark?
21:08What are your qualifications?
21:10We don't have no job, so nobody's standing around looking snooty all day.
21:14You bus conductor Monday, next week.
21:19Lucas.
21:21Tidy the handkerchief drawer?
21:23It is tidy.
21:27Why, trash.
21:31Blimey, she's got a right one in there.
21:33She should be so lucky.
21:35Four o'clock and not a drop sold.
21:37Miss Brahms, while you're at it, bring me another corset.
21:40The size 40, multi-hole, jumbo expander.
21:45The last time I saw something like that,
21:47it was being used to restrain King Kong.
21:50You haven't seen what she's got in there.
21:54Excuse me.
21:56You gave me quite a start.
21:58I wonder if you could help me.
22:00I'm just standing in for someone at the moment, but I'll do my best.
22:03Well, I'm not very happy with these stockings.
22:06What seems to be the complaint?
22:08Well, they ran as soon as I put them on.
22:10Yes, I think I'd do the same.
22:12Well, what are you going to do about it?
22:14Well, at the moment, I'm riveted to the spot.
22:17Well, I think the least you could do is to give me another pair.
22:20Oh, yes, of course.
22:22As a matter of fact, I'll give you two pairs.
22:24There we are.
22:26And if these should run, don't hesitate to bring them back and show them to me.
22:29I could start a whole new way of life.
22:32Thank you. That's very, very sweet of you.
22:34Not at all. How could I resist such a lovely smile?
22:37You're a very charming young man.
22:40I'm quite sure you're going to go a long way.
22:43Do you know, the last time anyone said that to me,
22:46I was standing in a white surplus singing All Things Bright and Beautiful.
22:50Men are so aggressive these days, aren't they?
22:53Isn't that the truth?
22:55They only want one thing.
22:57Yes, they don't have much choice, do they?
23:00Why don't you buy a hat?
23:02Why do you say that?
23:04I've got the very hat that'll go with those lovely eyes.
23:07Not many people can wear hats. You've got a hat face.
23:10Hang on a minute.
23:23Oh, I love it, I love it.
23:26It's Dr Zhivago. It's Garbo.
23:29It's Orient Express.
23:31It's reduced.
23:33I like it. I'll have it.
23:35It's all on my husband's account, anyway.
23:38In that case, why don't you treat yourself to a coat?
23:41I don't suppose he'll be able to afford it,
23:44but let's just slip it on for fun.
23:48Oh, just the feel of it does something for me.
23:51Oh, yes, I find it the same.
23:54£3,000? You'll have a heart attack.
23:57Well, fortunately, it is black.
24:02Have you got a long mirror?
24:04I'm afraid it's engaged at the moment.
24:06Would you mind trying it on? Then I can stand back and look.
24:13As you can see, it's got the lovely high collar.
24:16Very haute couture.
24:18Deep pockets, a nice full back.
24:20Note the swirl.
24:24And, of course, with the high heels, you get that lovely bounce.
24:29Do you know, I'm really very tempted.
24:32Mr Humphreys!
24:35What do you think you're doing?
24:37Madame has practically decided to take this with her.
24:40But it's £3,000.
24:42I know, and I'm in the Commission.
24:44Not if I can persuade her to have something else, you know.
24:47Good afternoon, Madame.
24:49I'll be served, Madame.
24:51Oh, hello, Madame.
24:53Miss Bronson, bring the fox.
24:55Which one?
24:57The 3,000-knicker one.
25:01I am the senior saleslady.
25:03I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help you.
25:05Oh, that's quite all right.
25:07I've been very well looked after.
25:09Yes. Now, how about this, Madame?
25:12Why don't you try this on before you make up your mind?
25:15Do you mind trying it on? It gives me a better idea.
25:18Well, certainly, Madame. Give me a hand, Miss Bronson.
25:21Oh, drat, the lining's gone.
25:23Come here.
25:25See, this is a casual, rough-round style.
25:29Very easy to get on and off.
25:35Where's me under?
25:37It's in the lining.
25:39What do you think?
25:41You look like a cross between Nelson and Basil Brush.
25:47Well, I'm not really sure about the colour.
25:49Do you know, I'm rather sold on the black.
25:51Get me that one, the one at the end.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:59That's what happens when you buy a cheap coat.
26:02Now, this one is suitable for almost any occasion.
26:05It's Persian lum.
26:07And it's £1,000 cheaper than the one he's wearing.
26:10Suitable for day wear or a night at the opera.
26:13I remember Groucho Marx wearing it.
26:16Do you know, that really is rather nice.
26:18Would you mind modelling it for me?
26:20Well, certainly, Madame. Ignore the shoes.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:32Erm, could I see yours again?
26:34Certainly.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:49It's so difficult to decide.
26:51Mike, it's very distracting seeing those trousers and that hair.
26:56Hang on a minute.
27:00All things bright and beautiful.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:22Oh!
27:31I love it.
27:33Look, here's my card.
27:35Charge it and send it round.
27:38Good afternoon.
27:40Good afternoon.
27:42Drat!
27:44Come, everybody. Young Mr Grace.
27:46Oh, good afternoon, Mr Grace.
27:48Good afternoon, Mr Grace.
27:50You've been demoted, I see.
27:52Purely a temporary measure, sir.
27:55He's been scribbling on the walls again.
27:58That humorless cartoon, sir, was 15 years ago.
28:01I thought he got your ears very well.
28:04Was that the new girl from Bliss?
28:06No, no, sir, that's not the Bliss girl.
28:08She couldn't get here because of the fog.
28:10Said a very attractive substantive.
28:13LAUGHTER
28:15Have you got a boyfriend?
28:17Not at the moment.
28:20I've got a table at Romano's
28:24with caviar and a snap-up dinner.
28:27Care to join me?
28:29Well, it is Monday and my mother's only got cottage pie.
28:32Let's have a bit.
28:34Oh, good.
28:36LAUGHTER
28:38APPLAUSE
28:40APPLAUSE
28:42APPLAUSE
28:44APPLAUSE
28:46APPLAUSE
28:48APPLAUSE
28:50CHEERING
29:18Telephones, gems, ready-made suits, shirts, socks, ties, hats, undergarments, shoes, going off!