Get Smart S01E13 (Aboard the Orient Express)
Transcript
00:00Colin Kriczanska, Colin Kriczanska, according to my previous observation,
00:29the courier should be removing the briefcase now.
00:51Drop it. I said drop it or I'll shoot. So you're the thief.
00:57Well, that solves one mystery. Now, who are you working for? The pellet, Kriczanska. The pellet.
01:14Slide four, chief. This was taken aboard the Orient Express by the Austrian police in Innsbruck.
01:19The subject is Agent 85, deceased. Agent 85 was the fourth courier to leave Paris with a
01:25briefcase chained to his wrist. Not one reached his destination alive. Your conclusion, 86?
01:31Suicide, chief. Suicide? But Max, he was gassed. Well, I don't know anything about his drinking
01:38habits, 99, but there's a suicide note on the floor. That's his ticket. Oh.
01:43Slide five. So we bid a fond farewell to the Pacific Paradox.
01:54Sorry about that, chief. That's another case. Who is that? George Robinson,
02:00chaos agent, Hawaiian branch. It's a fabulous disguise. I saw through it in only one minute.
02:06Would you believe it? One minute. I find that very difficult to believe.
02:09Would you believe two minutes? I don't think so. How about our fourth date?
03:09The enemy knows we must send another courier. Our one chance that they won't be expecting a
03:23woman. I understand, chief. I'll do the best I can. It's a dirty, dangerous job. It'll require
03:29intelligence, determination, and icy nerves. Will I be issued a destruct pellet, chief?
03:34Yes, 99. Wait a minute, chief. You're not thinking of sending her. She's a woman. Max,
03:40thank you. A woman is the reason we chose her. Four men failed, agents 82 through 85.
03:48Now, this briefcase must be gotten to B-12 somewhere in the Balkans.
03:53Why, it's beautiful, chief, and it's real leather, too. You think he'll like it? Max,
03:58it contains a half million dollars. He'll love it. It's the payroll for our freelance agents
04:04behind the Iron Curtain. They haven't been paid in five months. If they complain to the
04:09grievance committee of the Spies Guild East, we're in a lot of trouble. Why, those babies are
04:13murder at the bargaining table. Why, do you know that they get disability compensation for flesh
04:17wounds? Max, may I get on with this briefing? Carry on, chief. Now, 99, this security briefcase
04:25has just been developed by the lab. Once it is attached to the wrist, there are only two
04:29ways of getting it off. One, by using a key. Good. However, there is only one key that will fit this
04:35lock. Anyone trying to use another key will receive 5,000 volts of electricity through him.
04:41Wow. Where is the one key that fits, chief? B-12, the agent who will be receiving this briefcase,
04:46already has it. He'll be on board the train. How will I know him? You'll receive further
04:50instructions from our contacts on board the train. This certainly is an ingenious device,
04:55chief. You just clap it on your wrist, right? And there's only two ways to get it off.
05:00One is with the key and the train in the...
05:08What's the other way, chief? Amputation.
05:12Amputation. Oh, Max, you shouldn't have done that for me.
05:19Well, it looks like you'll be taking a long trip, 86. Now, let's go to the lab. Maybe
05:25Minnelli has come up with something that'll give you a fighting chance.
05:29Max, that was the noblest, bravest, most heroic thing I've ever seen. Thank you.
05:34Maybe I could soak my wrist.
05:48Max, I don't think you've met our new special weapons advisor, Dr. Minnelli. Dr. Minnelli,
05:52this is agent 86, Maxwell Smart. I believe you know 99. Yes, I do. How are you, Smart?
05:57Nice to meet you, Minnelli. I see you play chess. Well, I amuse myself with a game or two now and
06:02then. So do I. Well, I see you've got an interesting problem here, but I think I know the answer.
06:15That's checkers. Well, what's new in special weapons, Minnelli? What do you have in mind,
06:21Smart? Dr. Minnelli, all of the agents who were killed were victims of a highly toxic gas.
06:27I wonder if you have anything to give 86 that would protect him. I think I've got just the
06:31thing. Here, try this on, Smart. Oh, that's beautiful. But I think it'll clash with my
06:40trench coat, don't you, Chief? When you yank down on the brim, the bowler converts into a gas mask.
06:51Chief, should I issue 86 a pair of straddle shoes? A pair of what?
06:56Of straddle shoes. It's one of Dr. Minnelli's latest developments. Let's look at them.
07:01The wearer of these shoes contain instant height by merely knocking his heels together.
07:10It's a marvelous device for instant escape from danger. I don't think I quite understand. Well,
07:15here, I'll demonstrate using just one shoe. Now, here's the activating mechanism inside this heel.
07:19Now watch what happens when I press it. That's incredible. Yes, but exactly what does it do?
07:28There's a miniature capsule of highly compressed air buried inside each heel. Now,
07:33clicking the heels together sets off a jet stream that lifts the wearer off the ground.
07:38Well, what happens if you only activate one of the shoes while you're wearing them?
07:41Well, I imagine you'd drive your leg up through your head.
07:45Then you'd advise against that.
07:49Chief, have you given 86 a full explanation of the briefcase?
07:52Except the alarm system. And, of course, you know about the key.
07:55Agent B-12 has the only key that will open the lock. And he will be somewhere on that train.
07:59Oh, yes, I remember now. A wrong key inserted in this lock will set off an electrical charge
08:04of 5,000 volts. And, of course, the noise will bring help running. What noise? Your screams.
08:13My screams. Now, one more question. What if someone tries to take the briefcase away from
08:19me without breaking the lock? The slightest tug on that chain will set off a siren you can hear
08:25for a mile and a quarter. Well, how do you turn off the alarm? Well, you just push the button.
08:30Well, Chief, I guess that about wraps it up. I think I'm just about ready to go.
09:2544? Oh, yes, 86. Welcome aboard.
09:38I was told that you'd be my first contact. Correct.
09:40Do you have anything for me? Yes.
09:44Well? I don't know how to tell you this, 86. I haven't been paid in five months.
09:50Yes, I know all about that, 44. That's what this mission is all about.
09:54Now, can I please have the message? I mean, after all, 86, secret agents have to live, too.
09:59Now, the Spy's Standard Agreement clearly states... Yes, I know all about the Spy's
10:03Standard Agreement. And I promise you, you'll get paid just as soon as I deliver the briefcase.
10:07Now, can I have the message, please? Everything costs so much today.
10:11Guns and knives are expensive. Poison is up. The strangling wire is 6.80 a yard.
10:18Please, 44. Do you have any idea what it costs today
10:22to build a halfway decent infernal machine? All right, 44. All right.
10:31Here. This should tide you over for a little while.
10:34Thanks, 86. You know, I even had to pay to get on this train.
10:39And this is a first-class medicine chest. Yes, I know. I know, 44.
10:44Now, will you please give me the message? Here. Make sure you destroy it.
10:51Right.
11:02Is anyone in here? Yes, this is my compartment.
11:07I'm terribly sorry, but I wonder if I might just leave some of my merchandise in your
11:11compartment. There doesn't seem to be room in mine. Certainly. Here, let me help you.
11:16Thank you.
11:31Thank you. I certainly appreciate your help. If you don't mind,
11:34I'll just sit down and rest for a moment. I'm quite exhausted.
11:37My name, by the way, is Mr. Ernst. No, I'm Maxwell Smart.
12:07Well, what is it? Shh. I'm not alone. I had to destroy the first message.
12:14Do you have a copy? Well, you know, 86, secret message paper doesn't grow on trees.
12:20All right, 44, how much? Five dollars.
12:24Five dollars? Well, that's a going price. Or three for ten dollars.
12:30I'll just take one.
12:37Thanks.
12:44Sorry to disturb you, sir, but I wondered if you'd like some dinner.
12:48Uh, no, thank you. I just ate. Perhaps you'd like to see a menu and make an order later.
12:53Thank you.
13:01Talk about cheap.
13:07Again? Yes. Incidentally, those secret messages taste terrible.
13:17What kind of ink are you using? You know how much good ink costs.
13:20Never mind, 44. Do you have another copy of the message?
13:23Should have taken three for ten. Can't you just read it to me?
13:29Okay. Keep your voice low.
13:33The briefcase will be picked up by agent B-12, who will use the password Tanganyika.
13:41Tanganyika? Tanganyika.
13:42Is that all? That's all.
13:50Oh, I'm sorry. I see that monsieur is still having his dinner.
13:54Put my bags up there. Yes, madam.
13:57I believe this is a private compartment. Oh, kind sir, it's just for a little while
14:01and there's no other seat available. Surely you would not deny a lady in distress?
14:07Surely not. Make yourself comfortable.
14:09You are a gentleman. Someday I hope you will come to Romania and avail yourself of my hospitality.
14:15Oh, thank you very much. That would be a pleasure.
14:18I am the Countess Reshevsky. I am the Maxwell Smart.
14:23Would you send me Liechtenstein passports, please?
14:25Madame? Monsieur?
14:41Okay.
14:45Ah, Liechtenstein, what a lovely small country.
14:52We're just leaving Liechtenstein passport, please.
14:56What took us so long?
14:59Floods. Had to evacuate the country.
15:17I beg your pardon, but you're sitting in my seat.
15:22Ah, I don't believe you two ladies have met. This is the Countess.
15:25I'm sorry, but I didn't catch your title. Mademoiselle.
15:30Do you know this world?
15:4399, what are you doing here?
15:49Dinner is being served in a dining car.
15:52Would one of you gentlemen care to accompany me?
15:55My pleasure, Countess. Come, Cyril.
15:58Cyril?
16:00Thank you, sir.
16:04Madame? Monsieur?
16:12Will Monsieur be coming down for dinner?
16:1599, you stay here. I'm going to find Agent B-12 instead of waiting for him to find me.
16:19How will you know him?
16:20By the code word, Tanganyika.
16:22Be careful, Max.
16:30Sorry about that.
16:45Oh, excuse me.
16:50Come in, Mr. Smart. We finally found my compartment.
16:53Won't you join us in a cup of wine if you don't mind paper cups?
16:57Thank you. I don't mind if I do.
17:03Beaujolais, 1957.
17:06Dixie cup, 1965.
17:11Is everything all right?
17:12Yes, thank you.
17:14You know, the marvelous thing about traveling is all the wonderful people you meet, like each of you.
17:19I agree with you, Countess.
17:22Have any of you ever been to Africa?
17:24Yes, I've traveled there extensively.
17:26I spent three years there.
17:28It's my favorite continent.
17:31I'd like to ask you a question, and I want you to think very carefully before you answer.
17:37What is your favorite country in Africa?
17:40Tanganyika.
17:42That's what I was afraid of.
18:00It's a new fad diet.
18:02All the vitamins and none of the carbohydrates.
18:05Oh, hang on. It's Dead Man's Curve.
18:08Be careful! Watch out!
18:11What's happening?
18:12The lights have gone out.
18:14Excuse me. This always happens on Dead Man's Curve.
18:17And here comes the other half of it.
18:21What was that?
18:22The lights have gone out again.
18:27My briefcase! It's gone!
18:29It's gone!
18:30It's gone!
18:31It's gone!
18:32It's gone!
18:32It's gone!
18:33It's gone!
18:34It's gone!
18:53Max, what happened?
18:54I checked with you to try for the briefcase.
18:55Then you know who Korchansky is.
18:56I'm almost positive, 99.
18:58Who, Max?
18:58It's somebody on this train.
19:00Yes, but who?
19:01The Countess.
19:02Would you believe it? That lovely Countess.
19:03I find that very hard to believe.
19:05The porter?
19:06I don't think so.
19:07The conductor?
19:08No.
19:08The engineer?
19:09How about the dog?
19:10No!
19:10Oh, it's gotta be one of them, 99. There's nobody else left.
19:15Uh-huh. Just as I thought.
19:18Ernst, the phony blind man.
19:20No, Mr. Smart.
19:21Ernst, the blind British spy.
19:24Then it was you who put the message in the bottom of the cup.
19:26Oh, it was really nothing, old man. Just spur of the moment and all that.
19:29Well, it was something to me. You pulled me out of a tight spot.
19:33All's well that ends well.
19:34Well, why don't you come in and sit down? British intelligence is always welcome.
19:38No, thanks. I ran into a spot of trouble on the way over.
19:40Seemed to have taken one in the back.
19:47Silly of me.
19:54I'm afraid I'm going to pack it in, old man.
20:00I say.
20:03Who is...
20:04Krochanska.
20:06Don't think I'll live long enough to say.
20:11Pity.
20:15Colin Krochanska.
20:17Now, bring me the briefcase.
20:22Max, look.
20:25Here, boy. Bring it over here.
20:28Max, be careful.
20:30Mm-hmm.
20:31Don't do anything rash.
20:33A sudden move may cost you a hand.
20:37The old spy in the dog suit trick.
20:40Very tall, Mr. Smart.
20:42Believe me, it's a pleasure to meet you at last.
20:46I have long anticipated the day when we would match wits, you and I.
20:51May I introduce myself?
20:54My name is Demetrius.
20:56Too bad that our first meeting will also be our last.
21:00You see it, 99?
21:02A radio receiver and a micro speaker in the dog's collar.
21:0699, meet Cyril Krochanska.
21:09Double agent.
21:11Excellent, Mr. Smart.
21:12Excellent.
21:19You more than live up to my expectations.
21:23And you are quite correct.
21:25This will be our last meeting.
21:28The pellet.
21:30The pellet, Krochanska.
21:3599, it's gas.
21:40We're locked in.
21:41Get your gas mask.
21:43Don't breathe.
21:48He had to be a hat salesman.
21:51You look, Mr. Smart.
21:53The gas has no effect on dogs.
21:55Humans, however, are rendered unconscious within the first 30 seconds.
21:59Death will occur within one minute.
22:03You now have 36 seconds in which to live.
22:06Max, where's yours?
22:20Here, Max, here, throw that.
22:23Don't breathe, Max.
22:26Don't breathe, Max.
22:36So much for courier number five.
22:45Come along, Krochanska.
22:48Good work, Max.
22:49Come on, 99, let's open the windows.
22:51Right.
22:55What's that?
23:00Uh, I'm sorry about this mess, conductor.
23:05It happens all the time on the Orient Express.
23:07If you think this is bad, you should see compartment 13.
23:20And then the Austrian police took Demetrius into custody.
23:23And the dog?
23:24A remarkable thing about that dog, Chief.
23:26It was trained as a double agent, a practice thief and a natural killer.
23:30What happened to him?
23:31He was adopted by a nice family.
23:32Lots of kids.
23:34So all the loose ends are tied up.
23:36That's right, Chief.
23:37All the agents are back at work and paid.
23:39Good, we can't let that happen again.
23:40The security of the whole Western world depends on our work.
23:43I know, Chief.
23:44I was talking to some of the representatives about it.
23:47Good.
23:48Now, about your next assignment.
23:49On Saturday, I want you to fly to Bangkok and get in touch with Agent, uh...
23:53Wait a minute, Chief.
23:54You realize, of course, if we leave on Saturday, that that will be time and a half.
23:57What?
23:57And then, of course, when we get to Bangkok, that's overseas pay.
24:00And then Sunday's double time.
24:02What are you talking about?
24:03Well, it's all right here in the Spy Guild Union Book, Chief.
24:06All you have to do is read it.
24:07You're looking ridiculous, Max.
24:08I never heard of anything...
24:11Chief of Overseas Operations gets three weeks vacation with pay.
24:15And that's not all.
24:16Look at this.
24:16He gets his wardrobe also.