Rumpole of the Bailey. S06 E04. Rumpole at Sea.

deaddogsmoking

First broadcast 18th November 1991.  While on a Mediterranean cruise, Rumpole is confronted with his old nemesis, Judge Graves, and the unexplained disappearance of one of his fellow passengers.  Leo McKern ... Horace Rumpole Marion Mathie ... Hilda Rumpole Robin Bailey ... Mr. Justice Gerald Graves Benjamin Whitrow ... The Rev. Bill Britwell Anna Sharkey ... Mavis Britwell Julian Holloway ... Howard Swainton Lorelei King ... Linda Milson Josephine Blake ... Gloria de la Haye Ted Taylor ... Pianist David Quilter ... Captain Orde Alkis Kritikos ... Purser Ramsay Gilderdale ... Harvey Wimple

Transcript

00:00This is Rumpole at sea. This is a holiday for him and Hilda, I hope a holiday for you.

00:11He goes on a cruise after having a terrible quarrel with Mr. Justice Graves in court,

00:17and to his horror, who should walk on the ship just before it leaves for this cruise

00:22of Venice and Athens, but Mr. Justice Graves. He spends a great deal of his time trying

00:31to avoid this unpleasant presence, but there is a mystery on the ship. A woman who appears

00:38to have disappeared. Did her husband push her through a porthole? What happened to her?

00:45In the end, Rumpole solves the problem. We all went on location to make this, and you

00:53may notice the same sort of early middle-aged barrister writer sunning himself on the deck.

01:02But it was a wonderful cruise we had, and the most memorable thing was that Leo McCurn,

01:09in the bar of the cruise ship, insisted on waltzing with me. So I have been waltzed

01:15round a bar on a ship by Leo McCurn, who you will see giving another stunning performance here.

01:39Bail, Mr. Rumpole. You're applying to me for bail? That is the purpose of my visit to your

01:53lordship's chambers. Does he think I just dropped in for a chat? Bail having already been refused

01:58in the magistrate's court, and by my brother judge, Mr. Justice Entwistle. Is this a frivolous

02:06application? Only if it is frivolous to allow the innocent their freedom, my lord. Mr. Rumpole,

02:11I am not a jury. Worse luck. Emotional appeals will carry very little weight with me. You can

02:19say that again. When you use the word innocent, I assume you're referring to your client. I'm

02:23referring, my lord, to all of us. We are all innocent until proved guilty by a jury of our

02:30peers, or has the golden thread of British justice become a little tarnished of late? Mr. Rumpole,

02:36I see that your client's name is Timpson. So it is, my lord, but I would use precisely the same

02:42argument were it Horace Rumpole, or indeed Mr. Justice Graves. Mr. Rumpole, it's intolerable.

02:47Oh, quite intolerable, my lord. Conditions for prisoners on remand were far better a hundred

02:51years ago. I mean it's intolerable that you should address me in such a manner. I don't

02:56imagine I'll ever need you to defend me. You just never know, old darling. No doubt,

03:01bail is opposed by the prosecution. Do you oppose bail, Mr. Harvey Wimple? I do indeed,

03:07my lord. There you are, Mr. Rumpole. Bail is opposed by the prosecution. On what precise

03:13grounds, Mr. Harvey Wimple? On the grounds, my lord, that if he is left at liberty,

03:17Mr. Timpson might commit an offense. Do you hear that, Mr. Rumpole? If set at liberty,

03:22your client might commit an offense. Of course he might, my lord. Every man, woman,

03:28and child in England might commit an offense. Is your lordship suggesting we keep them all

03:33permanently banged up on the off-charges? It's just not on, that's all. Mr. Rumpole,

03:37what is not on, as you so curiously put it? Banging up the innocent, my lord, with their

03:43own chamber pot and a couple of psychopaths for an indefinite period, while the wheels of justice

03:49grind slowly to a halt in a traffic jam of cases. Do try to control yourself, Mr. Rumpole.

03:54Conditions in prisons are a matter for the Home Office. Oh, of course, my lord. I'm sorry,

04:00I forgot. They are of no interest to a judge who refuses bail, and who has not spent one

04:06single night locked up without the benefit of a watercloth. The application is refused. Surprise,

04:10surprise. I should only add that I find the way in which this matter has been argued before me

04:15quite lamentable, and very far from being in the best traditions of the bar. I may have to

04:21report the personal and improper nature of Mr. Rumpole's argument to the proper authorities.

04:27Thank you for your able assistance, Mr. Harvey Rumpole.

04:45Have a good day, Rumpole. Thank God, Hilda, for your wonderful sense of humor. Oh, Rumpole,

04:57look at your face. Thank you, I prefer not to. I have no doubt it is deeply marked with tragedy.

05:02Whatever's happened? I could a tale unfold, Hilda, whose lightest word would harrow up my soul,

05:10freeze thy young blood, make thy two eyes like stars start from their spheres, thy knotted and

05:17combined locks to part, and each particular hair to stand on end, like quills upon the fretful

05:23porpentine. Oh, go on, I bet they wouldn't. What you need, Rumpole, is a change. I do,

05:29a change from Mr. Justice Graves. Ah, what a contradiction in terms. Mr. Injustice Graves,

05:36it should be for two pins. I'd jump on a banana boat and sail into the sunset. Oh,

05:43Rumpole, I'm so glad that's what you'll do, for two pins. What's the matter? You're strangely

05:49sympathetic. Do you know what I've been thinking, Rumpole? What? We need a second honeymoon. The

05:57first one was bad enough, Hilda. Well, it wouldn't have been if you hadn't thought we

06:00could manage two weeks in the south of France on the fees of one short robbery. Well, it was all I

06:05had about me at the time. Anyway, you should not have ordered lobster. What's the point of going on

06:10honeymoon and not ordering lobster? Oh, well, of course you can order lobster. I mean, nobody's

06:14stopping you from ordering it. You just shouldn't complain when we have to leave three days early

06:19and sit up all night on the train from Marseilles with two drunken Matalos asleep on top of us. On

06:24our second honeymoon, I shall order lobster when we're on the cruise. On the what? There's still a

06:34bit of Aunt Tedda's money left, and I've booked up for it. No, Hilda, certainly not. I know

06:41exactly what it would be like. Bingo on the boat deck. We fly to Venice and we join the boat there.

06:46We need to get away, Rumpole, to look at ourselves. Do you think that's altogether wise? The soft

06:54Mediterranean, the sound of music across the water, the stars, and you and I by the rail,

07:00finding each other, Rumpole. Well, you can find me at any time. Just yell out, Rumpole, there I am.

07:05You said you'd fly away into the sunset for two pins. No, no, a figure of speech, Hilda, a pure

07:10figure of speech. Now let us get one thing absolutely clear. No power on earth will get me on a cruise.

07:30I don't know why you're wearing that, Hilda. Do you expect to steer this thing? Isn't that San Marco? It must be. Oh, Rumpole, isn't that the most beautiful sight in the world? Oh, no, it can't be. I'm sure it is, San Marco. Angels and ministers of grace defend us. It's him.

07:48Courage, I remember you telling me, Rumpole, is the first essential in an advocate. Courage, yes, but not total lunacy. Life at the bar may have its risks, Hilda, but no legal duty compels me to spend two weeks shut up in a floating hotel with Mr. Injustice gravestones.

08:13But I don't see what you think you can do about it. Oh, it's perfectly simple, Hilda. I shall abandon ship. Excuse me. I've just discovered that I am allergic to graves. I mean allergic to ships. It would be most unwise of me to travel. The slightest dose of seasickness could prove fatal. But, sir, we're only just out of port. Well, exactly. I could probably just wade ashore, couldn't I? I've just heard the most terrible news. Yes, yes, you're with a telephone, sir.

08:42I'm afraid that wouldn't help. And if it's really serious, we can fly you back to my next port. Next port? Yes, sir. Greece, in three days. Okay, sir?

09:01Oh, I say, what tremendous fun, Rumpel. Do listen to this. Happy hour in the old salt's bar. Fancy dress more, live it up in an evening of ocean fantasy. Lecture by Howard Swainton, world best-selling mystery writer on how I think up my plots. Three days. Oh, you cheer up, Rumpel. Five-thirty, captain's welcome folks cocktail party. Eight-forty-five, dinner dance. I shall wear the long black dress from Deblin's.

09:28Captain's cocktail party? Exchanging small talk and twiglets with Mr. Injustice, Death's head? No, thank you very much. I shall lie doggo in the bedroom. Cabin. Cabin. Can't possibly do that. What am I going to tell everyone?

09:43Tell them I've come down with mumps. Oh, no, he may take it into his head to visit the sick. He may want to come and gloat over me with grapes. Tell them I'm dead. Tell them a last-minute case kept me in England. Rumpel, don't you think you're being just the tiniest bit silly about all this?

10:04If anyone should ask, you are here entirely on your own. Now, remember, please sit down. What is your line of business, Mr. Swainton? Are you retired? You mean you don't know what Howard does? You ought to walk into the shop. The shelves are just groaning with his best-sellers. Rows and rows of them right there, Howard.

10:31I seem to know what goes with the public. My motto is keep them guessing. Give them a spot of sex and a bit of mayhem every half a dozen pages. Howard has won two golden daggers, and Time magazine called him the genius of evil. Let's just say I'm a writer with a taste for mystery.

10:46Well, I suppose since I've been concerned with the greatest mystery of all, I've rather lost interest in detective stories. I do apologize. And what is the greatest mystery? I think Bill Means, since he's gone into the church. It's what I've always wanted, after a lifetime in insurance.

11:06So you've joined the awkward squad, have you? The army of reverend pinkos, always preaching morality to the government. I can't think why you chaps don't mind your own business. I suppose morality is my business now. Of course, it used to be insurance. I came to the best things late in life. The church and, um, Mavis.

11:27We're on our honeymoon. Pleasure combined with business. We're only going as far as Athens, where I'm going to be Padre to the Anglican community. I don't suppose you're a honeymoon couple. As a matter of fact, I'm Howard's personal assistant, Linda Milson. Oh, well, perhaps we're the only honeymoon couple on board. Well, what do you think about that?

11:49Actually, I, uh, that we are on honeymoon, too, in a sort of way. Really? Oh, jolly good. What sort of a way is that, Mrs.? Rumpole. Hilda Rumpole. Well, second honeymoon, actually. Of course, we were married years ago, just after the war, when Rumpole was a young man at the bar.

12:10I do know we were really quite poor then. We had to come home early when I ordered lobster. It's killing to think of it now. You know, I can't remember a time when I couldn't afford lobster. Which is your husband, Mrs. Rumpole? He's not here. Not here? No. You see, something rather unexpected turned up. You mean you're on honeymoon on your own? Excuse me.

12:35Strange woman. Fantasy, no doubt. Come again? Pure fantasy. Probably hasn't got a husband. I say, you don't really think that, do you? Howard has the most extraordinary insight into the human mind.

12:50Rumpole, will you make your mind up? Are you in hiding, or are you not? I can't get a drink in the cabin. All the stewards seem to be at the captain's cocktail party. Why don't you come in? You could meet a famous author. Are you mad? He is in there.

13:06Ah. Probably getting a few laughs about the number of my clients he's got locked up. Not really, Rumpole. This is no way to spend a second honeymoon. Just bring me out a couple of glasses of the bubbles, please, Hilda. What's on this honey little bits of toast?

13:22It's not the criminals one minds dealing with on the whole. They're perfectly well-mannered and respectful. I needed a complete rest from a certain barrister. Oh, yes, we get the same thing in our job. It's the young chaps who think they know everything. As a matter of fact, it's the old one who knows he knows everything.

13:45Excuse me, Captain. Letters to write.

13:56Research is the key to my success. I spend at least six months researching each of my books.

14:00You'll want to come to Howard's lecture. He is quite fascinating on the subject of research.

14:04I'm working on a new one at the moment. I call it Absence of Body. Someone disappears from a cruise ship.

14:10Corpus Delicti, yes. Isn't that where they can't find the body?

14:14Exactly. Pretty neat title, don't you think?

14:17What's that extraordinary woman up to now, out in the rain enjoying a drink with her imaginary husband?

14:25Do you know why you're so frightened of him? Quite honestly, you don't exactly cower before him in court, from all you tell me.

14:31Cower? Of course I don't cower. I can treat the old deathhead with lofty disdain in front of a jury.

14:36I can thunder my disapproval of him at a bail application.

14:40I have no fear of the man in the exercise of my profession, Hilda.

14:45It's just the threat of that awful foley friendliness that I can't stand.

14:51I really think, Rumpel, you're just being silly about this.

14:53I'm silly, Hilda. It's that dreadful...

14:57Affability. And that is why, Hilda, I have fled Mr. Injustice down the nights and down the days.

15:04I've fled him down the arches of the years. I've led him down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind.

15:10And in the midst of tears, I hid from him and under running laughter...

15:14Yes, well, there's not much running laughter for me going on a second honeymoon without a husband.

15:19And don't wait up for me.

15:26Oh, Mrs. Rumpel. We're neighbours.

15:29Yes, so it's...

15:31Isn't that nice? Our cabin's really lovely. Would you like to see it?

15:36Well, I...

15:37Oh, do you want to see it?

15:39Yes, I do.

15:41Well, I'll show you.

15:43Our cabin's really lovely. Would you like to see it?

15:46Well, I...

15:47Oh, do, Mrs. Rumpel. Come on. Pay us a visit.

15:50Oh.

15:57It's also very tastefully done, isn't it?

16:00We've even got a telephone.

16:02Oh, I don't suppose we'll use it.

16:04You don't want to keep phoning people up all the time, do you?

16:07Not on a honeymoon.

16:10Oh, what a pretty girl.

16:12Your daughter?

16:13Um, well, not exactly.

16:18Oh, excuse me. You go on to dinner.

16:22I'll catch you up later.

16:34I just wanted to warn you.

16:37If you see graves at dinner, lie low.

16:40But he'll know me from the Ballard's wedding.

16:42That's the terrible danger. Just don't encourage the blighter, that's all.

16:46Don't you dream of dancing with him?

16:48You never know what I might dream of.

17:07They dance frightfully well.

17:09Don't you think he dances rather too well for a vicar?

17:12I don't know what you mean by that exactly, Mr. Sweeney.

17:15Howard looks below the surface of things. That's his great talent.

17:32Ah, I suppose dance me off my feet.

17:35Mine was on my feet when we used to dance.

17:38We were just saying, you do that unusually well for a vicar.

17:42Ah, well, don't forget, I was in insurance.

17:45No, I hadn't forgotten.

17:47Are you a dancer, Mrs. Rumple?

17:50Oh, no, thank you. No, not this evening.

17:53Are you looking for someone?

17:55Yes, a judge, actually, that I've met before.

17:57I'm sure he was at the captain's cocktail party, but I don't seem to see him now.

18:01A judge?

18:03Yes, he used to be just down the bailey,

18:05but now he's been put up to the high court.

18:07Scarlett Nerman, a red judge.

18:10Sir Gerald Graves.

18:12Oh, I'm terribly sorry. How very careless of me. I'm so sorry.

18:16Graves?

18:24Like one that on a lonesome road doth walk in fear and dread,

18:29and having once turned round,

18:33walks on and turns no more his head,

18:37because he knows a frightful judge doth close behind him tread.

18:43Swiftly, swiftly flew the ship, yet she sailed softly too.

18:49Sweetly, sweetly blew the breeze on me alone in...

19:02There he is.

19:04Who?

19:06Mr Justice Graves.

19:10He's gone.

19:12He's gone?

19:14He's gone.

19:16He's gone.

19:18He's gone.

19:20He's gone.

19:22He's gone.

19:24He's gone.

19:26He's gone.

19:28Mr Justice Graves.

19:32He's gone.

19:34He must be an early bird.

19:39Good morning. Morning to you.

19:41Good morning.

19:43Well, Bill, how's Mavis this morning?

19:45Oh, not too good, I'm afraid. She's not quite up to ticket.

19:49The what?

19:50She's not quite up to scratch.

19:52You mean she's sick?

19:53What, on her honeymoon?

19:54Oh, do tell her. We're all so sorry for her.

19:56Oh, thank you. That's very kind.

19:58Um, Hilda, might I have the sugar, please?

20:00Oh, yes, of course.

20:02And how's your husband, Hilda? Have you heard from him lately?

20:05Well, yes, I have.

20:07Still busy, is he?

20:08He's on the move all the time.

20:10Gee, I hope your wife gets better.

20:12If it's nausea, I've got these great homeopathic capsules.

20:15I could drop them into your cabin.

20:17Oh, that's very kind.

20:18I'm not sure... I think she'd like to be left alone for the moment.

20:21Such a shame. She was so full of life last night.

20:23Yes, that's exactly what I thought.

20:25So full of life.

20:55This is the Corrindo Canal.

20:57For more information on the history and geology of the Canal,

21:02please visit the Corrindo's website in the cabin.

21:07Thank you.

21:12Charles!

21:16It is Gerald Raves, isn't it?

21:18Hilda Rampeau.

21:20We met at St Barad's wedding,

21:22where I carried the matron from the Old Bailey.

21:24Surprised us all.

21:25Mrs Rampeau, of course.

21:28You're here on your own?

21:31On my own, in a sort of way.

21:33Er, I see.

21:35Your husband's not about?

21:37Not about. No, no, definitely not about.

21:41You see, Rampeau has a very busy practice.

21:44I believe you had him before you recently.

21:46I don't know if you remember.

21:48Your husband's appearances before me, Mrs Rampeau,

21:51were quite unforgettable.

21:54How sweet of you to say so.

21:56In fact, we judges are all agreed,

21:58there is simply no advocate at the criminal bar

22:01in the least like Horace Rampeau.

22:04A one-off, is that what you say about him?

22:06Without a doubt, eh?

22:07One-off, yes. We're all agreed on that.

22:10Yes, I'm sure you're right.

22:12That's maybe why I married him.

22:13He's a bit of a one-off as a husband.

22:15Forgive me, Mrs Rampeau,

22:16I've absolutely no idea what Rampeau is like as a husband.

22:20No, of course not. How silly of me.

22:22You don't know what it's like to go on one honeymoon with him,

22:25let alone two.

22:26No, I dare not at all.

22:28I'm delighted to say.

22:30But I will tell him all the nice things that you said about him.

22:33You'll tell him?

22:34When I next see him.

22:36Oh, I see. Back in England.

22:39Oh, wherever.

22:41It may encourage him to break the cover.

22:44To do what, Mrs Rampeau?

22:46Well, to come out into the open a little bit more.

22:49Would it surprise you to know

22:51that Rampeau is really a very shy and retiring sort of person.

22:55Hilda!

22:57Yes, Rampeau, here I am.

23:08Rampeau, my dear old fellow.

23:11Your good lady told me you weren't about.

23:15I'm not about. No, I wasn't, no.

23:17Not got your sea legs yet?

23:19The judge was sweet enough to say

23:21that your appearances before him were unforgettable.

23:24Oh, yes. How terribly sweet.

23:26And like no one else.

23:28And I honestly meant it, my dear old fellow.

23:30You are absolutely sui generis.

23:32Yes, to mention but a few.

23:34Even though you have so very little Latin.

23:37What was the last case you did before me?

23:39It was a bail application, my lord.

23:41Of course it was. You should have been there, Mrs Rampeau.

23:44We had a good deal of fun over that, didn't we?

23:46Oh, yes, a riot, yes.

23:48Yes, Timpson was laughing so much in Brixton Prison

23:51he could hardly empty his slop bucket.

23:53He will have his little joke, Mrs Rampeau.

23:56Your Horace is a great one for his little joke.

23:59Well, now that I've met you both,

24:01there's no reason why we shouldn't have a drink together,

24:03shall we say, after dinner in the Old Salt's Bar?

24:07Five past nine, exactly.

24:09If your lordship pleases.

24:13Old Salt's Bar.

24:15Look what you've done now.

24:17I had to flush you out somehow, Rampeau.

24:19I had to get you to take part in your own honeymoon.

24:23Poor Mavis getting sick like that.

24:25She's missing all the fun.

24:27Tonight, Hilda, the sick are the lucky ones.

24:36Who is it?

24:38It's Hilda Rampeau.

24:40Is Mavis still poorly?

24:42I'll be with you in a moment.

24:44Oh, don't let us disturb your...

24:46No, no, no, it's absolutely no trouble.

24:48Excuse me. Yes?

24:50Oh, visiting the sick.

24:52We all seem to have the same idea.

24:54Yes.

24:56This is my husband.

24:58Ah, is it really? I am surprised.

25:00Mr Howard Swainton, the Howard Swainton.

25:03How do you do? How do you do? I'm the Horace Rampeau.

25:05Yes, your wife's been telling us you're a barrister.

25:08An old Bailey hack.

25:10And we've all been wondering when you'd turn up.

25:12Why? Are you in some sort of trouble?

25:15I'm afraid Mavis is still a little groggy.

25:18She just needs to rest quietly.

25:20Yes, of course. Give her our love.

25:23But I came bearing gifts. I do hope they'll cheer her up.

25:26Well, that's very kind. I'm not sure that she feels that.

25:28Mavis!

25:30A few ocean-going roses and my latest in paperback.

25:33Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

25:35How terribly clumsy of me.

25:38I think you should go now.

25:40Mavis does want to be perfectly quiet.

25:43Yes, of course. I do understand.

25:47Come along, Rampeaus.

25:49Shall we see you later?

25:51Oh, yes, yes, of course.

25:54I do hope she'll be better tomorrow.

25:59They said someday you'll find

26:03All who love are blind

26:09When your heart's on fire

26:13You will realize

26:16Smoke gets on your eyes

26:20Is this judge someone you crossed swords with at the Old Bailey?

26:23Swords? Oh, nothing so gentlemanly.

26:25Let's say chemical weapons.

26:27The old darling summings up a pure poison gas.

26:31Oh, come on, Rampeaus. He was absolutely charming about you on the blue deck.

26:34What's the matter with the claret, Hilda? Is it glued to the table?

26:37Are you sure you haven't had enough, Rampeaus?

26:39Oh, you're remarkably punctual, Rampeaus.

26:41Oh, judge, Sir Gerald Graves.

26:44This is hard Swainton. The hard Swainton.

26:47How do you do? Very well.

26:48A glass of champagne.

26:49And Linda, his personal assistant.

26:52Good evening.

26:53And Bill Britwell, the reverend Bill.

26:55How do you do?

26:56Everyone, Sir Gerald Graves.

26:59Five past nine exactly.

27:01Silence. Court's in session.

27:04A second night at sea. I'm sure we're all enjoying it.

27:07Oh, best time we've had since the Luton axe killings, my lord.

27:10What was that you said, Rampeaus?

27:12I said absolutely thrilling, my lord.

27:15I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me.

27:17Oh, so soon?

27:18Can't you relax, Bill? Forget your troubles.

27:20Have a drink with a real live judge.

27:22I have to get back to Mavis.

27:24It's his wife, judge. She's not been well.

27:26She's not quite the ticket.

27:27Oh, I'm sorry to hear it.

27:28Well, I do hope she's well enough to join us tomorrow.

27:30I'm sure she hopes so, too.

27:32Give her all our best wishes, Bill.

27:34Tell her the judge is thinking of her.

27:35Oh, yes. Yes, I will.

27:37That's very kind of you.

27:38Please, don't let me break up the party.

27:41Horace Rumpeau was just telling us about your little set, too, in court.

27:44Oh, yes.

27:46We do have a bit of fun from time to time, don't we, Rumpeau?

27:49Wasn't quite how he put it.

27:51Of course, I do understand.

27:53Barristers are the natural enemy of judges.

27:55Judges and, well, my lord, detective story writers.

27:58We all want answers.

28:00We all want to ferret out the truth.

28:02In the end, we all want to tell the world who's guilty.

28:04Well put, if I may say so, Mr. Swainton.

28:07In your tales, the mysteries are always solved and the criminal pays.

28:12Enormous royalties, I have no doubt.

28:14Tell me, Swainton, are you working on some wonderful new mystery to delight us?

28:20Well, yes.

28:21As a matter of fact, I am.

28:23Oh, do tell us.

28:24Shh, Hilda, don't encourage him.

28:26Would you like to write a request for Gloria, sir?

28:28She'll sing anything reasonably.

28:29Oh, uh, Gloria de la Hedy.

28:33That was the name.

28:35You want to write the name of the song, sir?

28:37Oh, yes, yes.

28:39I'm afraid crime is never far away in this wicked world, Mrs. Rumpeau.

28:43I'm sure they'd all like to hear about your new mystery, Howard.

28:46A woman on a ship, on a cruise with her new husband.

28:50She is supposed to be ill, but in fact, she's lying tucked up in bed, fully dressed.

28:56I see.

28:57The plot thickens.

28:59Well, it's the truth, you see, Judge.

29:01It's so much stranger than fiction.

29:03Horace Rumpeau was a witness to the fact when we visited Mrs. Mavis Britwell in her cabin.

29:07You mean she wanted you to believe she was ill?

29:11Or someone wanted us to believe she was ill.

29:14Of course, one doesn't want to make any rash accusations.

29:17No, doesn't one?

29:18One sounds as if one was positively longing to.

29:21No doubt you have some sort of explanation to offer, Rumpeau.

29:24Oh, I don't know.

29:25Perhaps the Reverend Bill's got a thing about sleeping with women in twin sets.

29:29That is the great thing about Howard.

29:32His wonderful gift of observation.

29:34You mean he can see a bestseller coming at 200 yards?

29:37Oh, I'm not thinking about bestsellers here.

29:39I'm away from agents and publishers.

29:41Interviews, of course.

29:42Every newspaper in the world wants to speak to Howard.

29:44Quite embarrassing.

29:48Who's that kicking up a noise?

29:51My little sister.

29:53Who's that giggling with the boys?

29:56My little sister.

29:58Whose lemonade is laced with gin?

30:01Who taught the vicar how to sin?

30:04Knock on the door.

30:07And she'll let you in.

30:12My little sister.

30:14That's a strong song.

30:16Yes, takes you back, doesn't it?

30:18I mean, it takes me back.

30:22That was last night.

30:24And she's not home yet.

30:29My little sister.

30:48Soft night, the stars and the sound of music.

31:02And you and I by the braid.

31:05Kindly each other.

31:07Tell me, Rumpel.

31:09What do you think the Mediterranean is trying to say to us?

31:13It's probably trying to tell you it's the Adriatic.

31:17Isn't there anything that you feel romantic about?

31:20Of course there is.

31:22Ah, there you are.

31:24I mean, what exactly?

31:26Steak and kidney pudding, jury system, presumption of innocence.

31:31Anything else?

31:33Of course, yes. I almost forgot.

31:36What?

31:38Wordsworth.

31:41It seems like only yesterday that I was a young girl

31:45and you proposed to me.

31:47No, it was longer than that.

31:49And you asked Daddy for my hand in marriage.

31:52And he gave it to me.

31:54Daddy was always so jealous.

31:57Tell me, Rumpel.

32:00Now that we're alone.

32:02No, I'm afraid we're not.

32:04Not what?

32:06Alone. Look, down there.

32:15What an extraordinary thing to do.

32:17I know.

32:19I know.

32:21I know.

32:23I know.

32:25I know.

32:27I know.

32:29I know.

32:31I know.

32:33I know.

32:35I know.

32:37I know.

32:39I know.

32:41I know.

32:43What an extraordinary thing to do.

32:46Perhaps a little eccentric.

32:49I mean, throwing photographs into the sea with the frames still on.

32:54Yes, that does indicate a certain urgency.

32:58Sleep well, Hilda.

33:00When I was in their cabin, I saw that the photographs had gone.

33:04Oh, very observant.

33:06You see, I'd seen them before, when I first visited.

33:11One of them was their wedding photograph.

33:14Can you imagine anyone throwing their wedding photograph overboard?

33:18Perish the thought. Goodbye, Hilda.

33:21And on their honeymoon, too.

33:23Can you imagine anyone doing a thing like that?

33:26Only if she'd ordered lobster.

33:28What did you say?

33:30I said, only if he thought he'd lost her.

33:34Do you think so? Do you really think so, Rumpel?

33:37I don't think it's any of our business.

33:41The other photograph was of a young girl.

33:44Really rather pretty.

33:46She seemed somehow familiar,

33:48though she might have been famous.

33:53Rumpel. Yes?

33:55Can you imagine why a clergyman should do a thing like that?

33:58I can't imagine why anyone should ask me to imagine anything.

34:03Quite extraordinary.

34:05Unless other people start imagining something.

34:25Photographs, you said?

34:27In silver frames, that's what it appeared to be.

34:30Why would a man do such a thing?

34:32Ask yourself that, members of the jury.

34:34Ah, Rumpel, there you are.

34:36Now, why would a man throw photographs into the sea?

34:39That is indeed a question we have to ask.

34:42Is the court in some sort of secret session, or can anyone join us?

34:45You know, do.

34:46Perhaps with your long experience of the criminal classes,

34:49you may be able to suggest a solution.

34:51I'm on holiday.

34:53I have a suggestion.

34:55Suppose he wanted to...

34:56He being the Reverend Milton?

34:58Yes. If he is a Reverend.

35:00Lots of conmen, I believe, go on these cruises.

35:03That is an entirely unacceptable suggestion by the prosecution.

35:07I hope there is not a shred of evidence...

35:09At ease, Mr Rumpel. Let Mr Swinton complete his submission.

35:13Oh, is that so?

35:15Thank you very much.

35:17Suppose Bill Britwell wanted to remove all trace of the person in the photographs?

35:21Two persons.

35:23Hilda told me there were two photographs.

35:26Two different women.

35:27His wife and a young girl.

35:29Are you suggesting that he wanted to remove all traces of two people?

35:32Is that the prosecution's case?

35:34Oh, please, Mr Rumpel.

35:36It hasn't come to a prosecution... yet.

35:39His wife.

35:41This is most interesting.

35:43One photograph was of his wife.

35:45Now, why would he want to throw that into the sea?

35:48Oh, God knows. Perhaps it didn't do him justice.

35:51Or was it a symbolic act?

35:53A what?

35:56He got rid of the photograph because he means to get rid of her.

35:59Now, that is a most serious suggestion.

36:02Balderdash. Product of a mind addled with detective stories.

36:06All right, then tell me this.

36:08Where do you think Mavis Britwell is?

36:10Still in bed with her clothes on?

36:12Well, why don't you go down and take a peek through the keyhole?

36:15No, I wasn't thinking of that exactly. I was just thinking...

36:18The steward does the cabin along our corridor at about this time.

36:22If we happen to be passing, you might just see something.

36:34We shouldn't have long to wait. They'll know the Britwell's next.

36:38Oh.

36:40Good morning, Judge.

36:42My dear Britwell.

36:44And how's your wife this morning?

36:46Well?

36:48I'm afraid no better. No better at all.

36:52She needs to stay in bed.

36:55I'm afraid she's not feeling well.

36:58I'm afraid she's not feeling well.

37:00I'm afraid she's not feeling well.

37:02I'm afraid she's not feeling well.

37:04She needs to stay in bed, very quietly.

37:08Yes.

37:10If you'll excuse me.

37:18There you are, you see. She's in bed, quietly.

37:21I don't think we can accept that evidence, can we?

37:24With no sort of corroboration.

37:26Ah, Mrs Rumpel.

37:28Perhaps you'll allow us to be your guests for a moment.

37:30Don't help the prosecution, Hilda.

37:32It's in the most terrible mess.

37:34I'm sure we can put up with that, Mrs Rumpel,

37:37in our quest for the truth.

38:02Can I help you, sir?

38:22Oh, sorry, must have got the wrong cabin.

38:24They all look so alike.

38:26Particularly those with a single occupant.

38:29He keeps smiling through,

38:32just like you always do,

38:37till the blue skies dry up the dark clouds.

38:42He told us a deliberate lie.

38:44He distinctly said she was in the cabin.

38:46Well, in my view, Brittle's evidence must be accepted

38:49with extreme caution on any subject.

38:52I don't see why.

38:53Ah, the perpetual defender.

38:55A large glass of red, please.

38:57The Nicky, the Chateau Bilgewater.

38:59Oh, we all tell the odd lie when the occasion demands.

39:02Speak for yourself, Rumpel.

39:04Oh, didn't you tell my wife

39:06that you had no idea that she was on board

39:09when you met her on deck the other morning?

39:11I may have said that.

39:12Yes, well, I distinctly saw you at the captain's cocktail party.

39:15As soon as you caught sight of Mrs Hilda Rumpel,

39:17you went beetling out of the room.

39:19Rumpel, that is a grossly improper argument.

39:21Oh, yes, an improper argument, yes.

39:24Gentlemen, gentlemen.

39:26Ah, yes, and players.

39:28Oh, thank you, Nicky.

39:29We may tell the odd white lie occasionally,

39:31but we have to face the facts.

39:32Mrs Mavis Britwell has apparently disappeared.

39:35In the midst of the words she was trying to say,

39:37in the midst of her laughter and glee,

39:39she slowly and silently vanished away.

39:41For the snark was a boo-jum, you see.

39:43The question is, what action should we take?

39:45But who exactly is the boo-jum?

39:47Or the snark, come to think of it.

39:49If we were sure, of course,

39:50we could inform the police at the next port of call.

39:53It might be a case for Interpol.

39:55I have a suggestion to make, Gerald, if it's all right with you.

39:58Tomorrow night I'm giving my lecture on how I get my plots.

40:01I presume you're all coming.

40:03Oh, I wouldn't bet on it.

40:05I may add something.

40:07Keep your eyes on Bill Britwell when I say it.

40:09You mean observe his demeanour?

40:12Well, that's what you do in court, isn't it, Gerald?

40:14I mean, you've had lots of practice.

40:16Let's see if Britwell looks guilty.

40:18Do you think that's an idea?

40:19Well, it's not entirely original.

40:21It's a bit dated.

40:22Shakespeare used it in Hamilton.

40:24Did he really?

40:25Oh, yeah.

40:26Maybe even more effective than a hard Swenton.

40:28Oh, Lord, excuse me.

40:30A bottle of my usual to take away, Nicky.

40:32The old and tawny.

40:33Oh, and a couple of glasses, could you let us have?

40:36They keep getting broken.

40:37Miss Gloria Delahaye.

40:39Hello.

40:40Oh, aren't you the gentleman who requested the old song?

40:44I haven't heard you sing that for a long time.

40:47Music halls don't exist anymore, do they?

40:49Worse luck.

40:50Oh, it's a drag this is, doing an act afloat.

40:53It turns your stomach when the sea gets choppy.

40:56There's not much life in here, is there?

40:59I am prepared to scream if one more person requests smoke gets in your eyes.

41:05I want to say it's soon willed here at the crematorium.

41:10Just after the war, I used to go to the Metropolitan on the Edgeway Road.

41:14Oh, you went to the Old Met.

41:16Who's that gigging up the noise?

41:19My little sister.

41:21Who's that gigging with the boys?

41:24My little sister.

41:27Oh, that was my act.

41:29The long and the short of it.

41:31Betty Dee and Buttercup.

41:33Yes, you were Buttercup's straight man, weren't you?

41:35Or should I say straight person, you did?

41:38That's right.

41:39Wasn't there an alleged comic on the same bill?

41:44He had a rather embarrassing drunk act, if I remember.

41:47Who was there? I don't recall exactly.

41:50And Buttercup, such a pretty girl.

41:53Whatever happened to her?

41:54I can't help you there, I'm afraid.

41:56We never kept in touch.

41:58Is that my old and tawny? Thanks, Nicky.

42:01Oh, allow me.

42:14Good night.

42:18Two glasses.

42:20It is a common mistake to believe that no conviction for murder...

42:27Oh, excuse me.

42:29...can take place unless a body has been found.

42:32The old idea of the corpus delecti as a defence

42:35has been laid like the presumably missing corpse to rest.

42:39The defence is dead and buried, if not the body.

42:43Some years ago, a steward on an ocean-going liner

42:46was tried for the murder of a female passenger.

42:49It was alleged that he had made love to her,

42:51either with or without her consent,

42:54and then pushed her through a porthole out into the darkness of the sea.

42:58Her body was never recovered.

43:01The defence relied heavily on the corpus delecti without a body.

43:05The ingenious barrister paid to defend the steward

43:08said there could be no conviction.

43:10The judge and the jury would have none of it.

43:13And the steward was condemned to death.

43:16Although, luckily for him, the death sentence was then abolished.

43:20This case gave me the germ of an idea for a new tale

43:24which I'm about to preview to you tonight.

43:27I call it Absence of Body.

43:31Would you like to come on a cruise, darling?

43:35Magnus had seemed his old charming self when he asked her.

43:39You saw that, Rumpole? Yes.

43:41Evidence of guilt or terminal boredom.

43:44Holding hands, dancing and watching the waves dance in the moonlight.

43:48Rumpole, you look quite romantic.

43:51Ah, do you think so? Jolly Roger Rumpole of the Bailey.

43:55There he is.

43:57You wouldn't think he'd have the nerve to come out dancing tonight, would you?

44:01Hilda, there's something I think you should remember.

44:04What's that? When I went temporarily missing,

44:07no-one accused you of murder, did they?

44:15Ahoy there. Oh.

44:17I suppose you must be getting sick of it. What?

44:20Well, people asking, how's your wife?

44:22They're very kind. Very, very considerate.

44:25Ah, but it must be spoiling your trip.

44:27Maybe it's being ill. Yes.

44:29Oh, yes, it is, rather.

44:32Mr, er, Mr Justice Graves.

44:35The judge? Yes, the judge. He's very worried about your wife.

44:39Oh, why? Why should he be worried?

44:41Because of her illness, I suppose. He wants to see her.

44:44Why? Why should he want to do that?

44:47Well, you know what judges are like.

44:49They're always poking their nose into things that don't really concern them.

44:54Shall we see your wife tonight at the fancy dress?

44:57Oh, no, I'm afraid not. Mavis won't quite be up to that.

45:00Oh, what a pity. I would have thought she'd find that sort of thing irresistible.

45:05Rappo?

45:08Is it going too far?

45:10Rule, Britannia.

45:12Hilda rules the waves.

45:17We've sent a signal to the Harvard police, just to be on the safe side.

45:20A wise precaution, if I may say so.

45:22And before there's any question of passengers disembarking,

45:25we ask him to produce his good lady.

45:27Is that the form?

45:28That's more or less the form, yes.

45:30It might be an idea, judge, if you were present when we confront him.

45:33Of course. I'd be delighted.

45:37I'll bet you would.

45:48The man from Belfast, he's dressed as a bluebeard.

45:50How appropriate.

45:52How appropriate.

45:53Oh, please, Hilda, don't start imagining things.

45:56You're beginning to sound like a judge.

45:58A judge? You look magnificent.

46:01Mrs Rappo, might I have the honour of this dance?

46:04Hilda!

46:05Thank you, judge. What tremendous fun.

46:23Betty Dee in Buttercup.

46:25Some people seem to enjoy looking ridiculous.

46:28That's Gloria de Mahe.

46:30The oldest schoolgirl in Cap-Liberty.

46:32Who's the little one?

46:34Oh, it must be her accompanist, the little man who plays the piano for her.

46:37An alleged vicar dancing with an alleged accompanist in drag.

46:41How absolutely disgusting.

46:43No, it's not the accompanist.

46:45He want an answer to your little mystery.

46:47You know what he did when he was a child?

46:49He want an answer to your little mystery.

46:51You know what he did with his wife?

46:53Yes, I think so.

46:55Could I borrow your associate?

46:57Yes, please.

46:59Would you mind engaging the vicar for this dance?

47:02For about ten minutes?

47:04Please, please.

47:13I'm afraid I'm not much of a dancer.

47:15Let's get a breath of fresh air, Buttercup.

47:20Betty Dee in Buttercup.

47:22You were Buttercup, weren't you?

47:24When you were a young girl?

47:26As in that photograph Bill Britwell threw into the sea.

47:29There wasn't really any need for that, was there?

47:32I don't know what you're talking about.

47:34I'm talking about me.

47:36Being the only one who remembers that you were once half of a musical act.

47:40Nobody else knows.

47:42Bill can preach his sermons to the Anglicans of Athens.

47:46Not one of them will give a toss about Betty Dee and Buttercup.

47:49What do you want?

47:51I want to set your mind at rest.

47:53What about?

47:55About the other part you played down in the Old Bailey.

47:57Oh, a long, long time ago when we were all very young.

48:01Even before I did the Penge Bungalow murders.

48:04A lovely young girl married to a drunken brute of a husband who beat her.

48:09Hattie Harry Harmon.

48:11Used to do a drunk act on the halls, didn't he?

48:14Drunk acts are rarely very amusing.

48:16I remember reading about that case in the news of the world because I desperately wanted that brief.

48:23He beat you.

48:25You stabbed him in the throat with a pair of scissors in the dressing room.

48:29But you should never have got five years for manslaughter had I defended you.

48:34I would have got you off and not a dry eye in the jury box.

48:38Even though the efficient young counsel for the prosecution was an icy cold fish called Gerald Graves.

48:44No, it's all right.

48:46He's not going to remember you.

48:48Isn't he?

48:50No.

48:51Lawyers and judges hardly ever remember faces they sent to prison.

48:55Are you sure?

48:57Of course I'm sure.

48:59You can come out of hiding now.

49:02I'll come.

49:09There.

49:15Oh, isn't it pleasant to see Mrs. Bretwell up and about again?

49:23But she'd completely disappeared.

49:26No, not at all.

49:28She merely went to stay with her old friend Gloria Dillehay for a while, that's all.

49:32And Mrs. Bretwell didn't, um... didn't look familiar to you?

49:36No.

49:38No, I can't seem to. Why?

49:40Old men forget.

49:42Yet all shall be forgotten.

49:44What did you say?

49:46Oh, I said what trouble you've got.

49:48Trouble?

49:50You're not making yourself clear.

49:52Well, you practically accused the Reverend Bill of shoving his dear wife through the porthole.

49:57Then you reported that story to the captain, who no doubt wired it to the police on shore.

50:02Now that's a pretty good basis for an action for defamation, wouldn't you say?

50:06Defamation?

50:07Remember, I offered to defend you.

50:09Just call on my services at any time.

50:11Rumpel?

50:13You don't honestly think...

50:14My dear judge, I believe you're innocent, of course.

50:18Until you're proved guilty.

50:20Such an important principle to keep in mind on all occasions.

50:26Rumpel!

50:29Ah, there's my wife.

50:32Well, Hilda, what do you say?

50:34Shall we split a bottle of Chateau Hellespont and smash a few plates together?

50:38Yes, of course.

50:40Sorry to leave you, Judge, but we're on our second honeymoon.

50:43Isn't that Rumpel all over?

50:45He's impurably romantic.

50:47And there's absolutely no danger of my wife disappearing.

51:02THE END

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