Jayden Cole My Boyfriend Left me because I shoot Porn interview / Podcast - video Dailymotion

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Jayden Cole My Boyfriend Left me because I shoot Porn interview / Podcast

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00:00:00Hello, everybody. Happy Wednesday. Welcome back to the show. Today I have one of my favorite

00:00:28people in the industry, and an old friend, and seriously, one of the nicest girls in

00:00:34the industry. Nobody ever has a bad thing to say about you.

00:00:39Oh, that's awesome.

00:00:40I should probably tell you guys who this is. This is Jaden Cole.

00:00:43Hello, everyone.

00:00:45Hi, Jaden.

00:00:46Thank you for having me, Holly.

00:00:48You're welcome. You look amazing, by the way.

00:00:50Thank you.

00:00:51You look really, really good. I saw recently that you did a shoot with Molly Stewart.

00:00:55Yes.

00:00:57Oh, my God. You guys are perfect together because you're both tall, red heads, similar

00:01:00body type.

00:01:01Totally.

00:01:02Yeah. Was that a great shoot?

00:01:03It was wonderful. She was wonderful, and Marcos Rivera, the photographer, is great. It's

00:01:10been great. I got to shoot in Vegas. I just moved there.

00:01:12Right.

00:01:13From LA.

00:01:14How are you liking it?

00:01:15I love it so much.

00:01:16Really?

00:01:17It's so perfect right now. My goal is to open a pole dance studio out there.

00:01:21Oh, cool.

00:01:22What I've found in Vegas, interestingly enough, is that there aren't a lot of pole

00:01:27dance studios that celebrate women, feminine sexuality. They're more geared towards athleticism,

00:01:34which I understand. They're hashtagging not a stripper to separate themselves from

00:01:39the adult industry, which is silly, I know, but I understand to bring more of a mainstream

00:01:45perspective, people that wouldn't normally be interested in that.

00:01:48But since I don't want to hide from my past, I actually want to utilize it and utilize

00:01:52my feature dance awards as something that will benefit the pole dance studio. I think

00:01:58Vegas is the perfect place to do that. So I'd like to bring the sexy to the pole dance

00:02:02studio.

00:02:03Yeah. It's interesting. I literally just had this exact same conversation with Kira

00:02:07Noir on my podcast, where she was talking about pole fitness and how a lot of these

00:02:12places want to separate themselves from the stigma that they might be a stripper studio.

00:02:19But I like your idea of flipping that around and being like, hey, let's celebrate female

00:02:25sexuality and strippers are hot and sexy and fucking talented. Holy shit. Some of the things

00:02:31that you guys can do on that pole is so impressive and just beyond me. And I took a pole dancing

00:02:37class once and that shit's hard.

00:02:38It kicked your ass, huh?

00:02:39Oh my God.

00:02:40I remember my first one, too, thinking, I got this in the bag. I'd been feature dancing

00:02:45on the road and I'd just been doing yoga. I was a big yogi. And I remember I was like,

00:02:50whoa, my fucking left ribcage hurts. This is happening. But it's very intimidating when

00:02:56you walk into a pole dance studio and there's an intermediate or advanced class going, you're

00:02:59like, are you? I'm out of here. I can't. I'm out. But the beginner classes are so wonderful

00:03:04and you really do feel super strong and sexy without an audience, which is the most satisfying

00:03:11thing.

00:03:12It was so interesting, too, because I learned so many other new things, like how strippers

00:03:17have very specific heels that they get that are sticky on the sides. They stick to the

00:03:23pole and actually, I guess if they have a platform or the higher they are, the easier

00:03:29it is. There was this whole logistical thing to stripper shoes and how you need to have

00:03:34the perfect stripper shoes. And I was like, wow, I didn't know all of this thought went

00:03:38into footwear, but it makes sense.

00:03:40They're definitely designed for long shifts, I think. Your podcast music, by the way, the

00:03:46intro music, it's so fun. I love it. You do? I mean, you've got such a sultry, sexy picture

00:03:52for Holly Randall unfiltered.

00:03:54So photoshopped.

00:03:55When I hear the...

00:03:56I look nothing like that.

00:03:58I mean, come on. It's right behind me and you're looking at me and you're looking at

00:04:01that picture. I mean, you got to be like, there's a little photoshop in there. Come

00:04:06on.

00:04:07We're all photoshopped. Because of the release of the iPhones and the internet, everyone

00:04:11knows we're all photoshopped. It's not a big deal.

00:04:14I kind of like embracing the imperfections. I've always been a super woman lover. My favorite

00:04:23part of doing girl-girl scenes is falling in love for the day and making that girl feel

00:04:28so beautiful and a million dollars. The best you could possibly feel. I love charming the

00:04:33pants off of women figuratively.

00:04:35You charm the pants off everybody.

00:04:37Literally. My pants are off right now. I know you can't tell because there's a table here,

00:04:41but you've charmed them off. They are gone.

00:04:43Your music is like, it reminds me of an underground 1940s burlesque cabaret.

00:04:49That's what I wanted. It was a struggle to find the right music. I didn't know what

00:04:54I wanted. I didn't want something cheesy. What I really like is I like swing dance stuff.

00:05:02I like retro. I love shooting pinup and all that kind of stuff. I thought, okay, that

00:05:08makes sense for me. Or trip hop or something ambient like that, but that's too mellow.

00:05:13You want something a little more exciting. Actually, my boyfriend and I went through

00:05:17a lot of songs before we finally settled on that one. It took me a while.

00:05:20I feel like I should walk in with swinging tassels for my titties.

00:05:24No one would complain. No one would complain.

00:05:28By the way, I farted in the industry. I started in the industry in Playboy magazine. When

00:05:38I was like 18, I sent my pictures as soon as I could.

00:05:41I so remember you when we first shot you. My mom shot you. Derek Hay sent you over and

00:05:48it was like a big deal because you were in Playboy. You'd never done this before. You're

00:05:53all natural, no tattoos, redhead. I very, very clearly remember our first shoot. Absolutely.

00:06:00I remember. I started with L.A. Direct, which was a great experience for me. For everything

00:06:04that everyone else has to say about him, my first year with him was wonderful. He was

00:06:08very respectful of my boundaries. He did great for me. It was so funny. I did Playboy and

00:06:16then my first shoot ever, my first day basically was a go-see with your mom at 10 a.m., which

00:06:22was hella nervous. Everyone in the industry is nervous because everyone knows who your

00:06:26mom is. Not anymore. Sadly. A lot of people. I actually interviewed a girl the other day.

00:06:32You had no idea who my mom was. Oh my God, that's so funny. Well, you're carrying on

00:06:36the legacy for sure. Thanks.

00:06:37But then at noon, she had me do a shoot with Josh Ryan, who's a great photographer, for

00:06:43his website photos. Then the next week, your mom booked me for you to shoot. I was so nervous

00:06:49because doing photo shoots in Playboy or for Josh Ryan for agency photos is very different

00:06:53than spreading my pussy. There was no one else who could have done a better job than

00:06:58you by far. I was super nervous. I remember sitting in the makeup chair and Peggy was

00:07:05doing my makeup. I was like, oh my God. The thoughts running through your head, you don't

00:07:10know what to prepare for. I remember being so nervous about getting on set, showing my

00:07:15pussy, and having everyone on set, including you, judging and thinking. I'm like, ew, is

00:07:20she really pulling her pussy out in front of all of us?

00:07:23Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what we would be thinking because we've never seen that

00:07:26before.

00:07:27Those are the crazy thoughts that you have.

00:07:28Of course. When it's your first time, I get it. I totally get it.

00:07:32And so I'm sitting in the makeup chair, all nervous. Peggy's so cute and sweet. She was

00:07:36like, oh, I have to cover up your freckles. I feel so bad. They're so cute. I was like,

00:07:40okay, that eased me a little bit. Then she goes, so is there another girl coming or is

00:07:44it just boy girl? And I go, whoa, what? Easy. I am not having sex with anyone today. This

00:07:51is going to be just me. Relax, lady. So nervous.

00:07:57I feel like, did you go have a go-see with Stephen Hicks the same day or right after

00:08:02that or around that time?

00:08:03Maybe.

00:08:03Okay, because I think what happened was, and this would always get my mom, the best way

00:08:10to get my mom to book you was either to say you rode horses or to say that you were going

00:08:15to go see Stephen Hicks right afterwards. And then she would book you on the spot because

00:08:21she was so competitive, especially with Stephen Hicks.

00:08:24That's so funny. I don't think I did around that time, but I did ride horses. I do hunter

00:08:30jumper since I was five.

00:08:30Sarah might have just dropped that little nugget because he knows my mom. He might have

00:08:34been like, oh, well, Stephen Hicks is also interested in seeing her. My mom would have

00:08:38been like, what? No, she's going to shoot me. I'm going to book her right away.

00:08:41We're going to get that pussy first.

00:08:42Yeah, God. She was so like that. It was very funny.

00:08:45That's great. I actually brought up your mom, but we'll get into that at the end. It kind

00:08:49of ties into what we'll get into later on. But I did want to say, I was nervous about

00:08:55getting into the industry and wasn't sure how I was going to feel about getting naked

00:08:58in front of people. So what I did with Ellie, direct, and Derek is I came to him saying,

00:09:05look, I've done Playboy. I would like to do some more. In the back of my head, I always

00:09:09kind of saw myself as a girl girl performer. That was kind of like, if this goes well,

00:09:13I could see myself doing that and pursuing it. I had two jobs, bartending and waitressing,

00:09:18and I was getting like eight shifts a week. So I told Derek, I'll give you two days a

00:09:22week. I lived in Long Beach, still live in beach bum life, but I thought that coming

00:09:29up to LA wouldn't be a problem two days a week. So I started to see if I would like

00:09:32it. And then I got booked into a penthouse and your mom booked me and it was just going

00:09:36so well. And I was getting to know people regularly in the industry every Tuesday and

00:09:41Friday. So slowly I quit one job, wasn't financially dependent on it still. But then

00:09:47slowly after, I think it took like four or five months before I finally quit my last job,

00:09:52just to make sure that it was something I was going to be able to pursue and not be shot out.

00:09:57I think that's super imperative for women that are even considering webcamming or anything like

00:10:03that, is to try to incorporate it a little bit into your life and taking your time is key. Even

00:10:08if you see yourself as like a huge boy girl performer, it's so important, whether you're

00:10:15ready to do boy girl for the consequences of that or not, to take your time and really try

00:10:20to incorporate it into a life that you've already established for yourself.

00:10:24Yeah, you definitely want to make sure that you don't end up doing something that you regret

00:10:27because you can't take it back.

00:10:28Exactly.

00:10:29Once it's on the internet. And I think for you, knowing that you weren't going to,

00:10:33because you've still never done boy girl, right?

00:10:35No, I don't think it would work for me.

00:10:38Which is great and which is fair, but a lot of girls can't hold on to just being

00:10:41girl girl performers for as career as long as you have. I mean, you've done

00:10:44an incredible job. I was thinking about there's very few girls who have stuck to only doing

00:10:50girl girl and have been able to be successful at it like you, Georgia Jones, Jenna Sativa.

00:10:57There's a small, Vanessa Veracruz, there's a small pool of you guys.

00:11:02Yes.

00:11:03But that's great that you were able to continue to do what you're comfortable with and still make

00:11:08a living at it. And also too, when you started, things were different. There was no social media,

00:11:14wasn't the beast that it is now. There wasn't a private Snapchat. There wasn't OnlyFans. There

00:11:19wasn't all camming. It wasn't a big thing.

00:11:22No, it wasn't. It was kind of taboo to even be like,

00:11:25oh, you're a model from LA. Why are you getting in front of cams? It was kind of a weird stigma,

00:11:30but then it went away pretty quickly.

00:11:31Yeah. So you weren't able to be as independent as you can be now. So things were different

00:11:38when you started. You had to be really careful.

00:11:41Yeah. I really hustled and made sure that the producers and agents that would book were

00:11:46constantly aware of my dates and I send Christmas cards and do all the things that a freelance

00:11:52business owner would do. But I also talked to my parents. That was the most important thing,

00:11:58because we're really close. And they were together the whole time I was growing up.

00:12:01They didn't split till they were empty nesters very recently. So they were like,

00:12:06just follow your heart, but also know that everything you do is going to be permanent.

00:12:10So weigh that decision carefully. And with boys, I've never been promiscuous with men.

00:12:16I've had casual sex before. It's not for me, especially now that I'm in this industry. Oh,

00:12:21my God. Talk about being a fucking nothing more than a trophy. So it's like it works for me.

00:12:28It works for me to just do girl, girl. And being promiscuous with boys, I always said,

00:12:32if I did a boy-girl scene and he got up to leave before he said goodbye, I would just be like,

00:12:38why don't you stay here and love me for five minutes or at least pretend to?

00:12:43I need to be cuddled. What do you mean you're not going to take me out to dinner?

00:12:50Yeah.

00:12:50I'm just not equipped. And I have a shallow vagina. So I would be like,

00:12:55I remember who is it? Derek Pierce was like, oh, God, you'd be one of those no-doggy girls.

00:13:01Here, I have some other ideas about how we can do this where the dick isn't all the way in me.

00:13:06I'd be terrible. I'm trying to make it work.

00:13:09Oh, my God. That really is a thing, huh?

00:13:11Oh, I believe what I've learned in porn is that the more petite the girl, the

00:13:17bigger dick she can take. And the taller girls, all of them are kind of shallow,

00:13:21the shallow vaginas.

00:13:23Interesting.

00:13:25Even Jade and James, she was all about the interracial, but she was like,

00:13:28I can't take the whole thing. She had a really small vagina. I was like,

00:13:32how is Jenna Hayes taking Mandingo in the ass?

00:13:36Some of these girls, man, the way that they can stretch their holes out, I don't know how they do.

00:13:39Oh, my God.

00:13:40Very impressive.

00:13:41It's a gift.

00:13:42It is.

00:13:42It's a natural gift.

00:13:43It is a gift.

00:13:44You either have it or you don't. You have the ability to have casual sex without emotions,

00:13:49or you don't. Not one's better than the other.

00:13:52Right.

00:13:53At all.

00:13:53Yeah. Everybody's different.

00:13:55Definitely.

00:13:57So you did your first shoot with us.

00:13:59Oh, yeah.

00:14:00That was amazing. Those pictures are still so great.

00:14:02So great.

00:14:03I did the photos of you in that red Jeep. I can't remember whose Jeep that was.

00:14:08It was someone's Jeep. It was a friend's Jeep or a neighbor's Jeep or something like that.

00:14:12Someone's rolling around with a Jeep from a few years back with my sweat and probably

00:14:17some makeup smeared all over it.

00:14:19That's all right. They treasured that. They saved it.

00:14:24And then where'd you go from there? How did your career kind of go from there?

00:14:28How long has it been, actually?

00:14:30It's been a while.

00:14:30Yeah. How long has it been in the industry?

00:14:33Eight or nine years permanent solid.

00:14:35Okay.

00:14:35Yeah. But I started feature dancing when I got the Penthouse Pet title, and that was like,

00:14:41I loved it. I loved it so much.

00:14:43What do you love about feature dance?

00:14:44I love the travel. I love that I kind of get to be in my own world for a hotel for a few days,

00:14:48but I also love all that goes into it. It's sort of like how women enjoy the Snapchat

00:14:56and the OnlyFans and taking control. You put a whole show together. You have to entertain people,

00:15:01and you have to kind of, it takes a certain type of intelligence to navigate this industry,

00:15:06but especially different facets of it. Now you've got to break down because

00:15:10charming people in the feature dance industry is different than building a good rapport with

00:15:16people in porn. Shooting is different than being on the road and dealing with club managers,

00:15:22club owners, the girls that work in the club, and the customers that work in the club.

00:15:26Right.

00:15:26So on top of being able to, you have to be a good performer and a good show girl,

00:15:31but you also have to know how to navigate being exhausted off because you have a 6 a.m. flight,

00:15:38and I always make sure that no matter how tired or kind of in a bad mood I get off the plane,

00:15:45I force myself to whoever the driver is, if he's just a nobody, like if he's just a

00:15:50cashier at the club but they're having him pick me up at the airport or the owner,

00:15:54I make sure to look them in the eye, shake their hand, be like, how's it going? Thank you so much

00:15:58for picking me up and having me. I'm really happy to be here. And that sets the tone for the weekend.

00:16:03It always does because they're kind of, you got to understand when you come to a different town

00:16:07and they've been looking at your poster and seeing your advertisements all over, they can't wait to

00:16:12see what you're about. They're either going to hate you or love you. You got to make that impression

00:16:18for yourself. Nobody's going to help you out with that. You can be cranky and you still have

00:16:23to make a good impression on everyone, especially the girls. They're waiting to see if you suck,

00:16:27if you're a bitch. Yes, but you got to like, I like playing it up and it puts me in a good mood

00:16:33and it sets the tone to just like smile at everyone in the club, even if they're not

00:16:36smiling back. And then rarely do I get like any kind of bitterness from a club experience. It's

00:16:44been really fun. Well, you've always like, honestly, you're always so gracious and you're

00:16:50always in a great mood and you're always grateful. And you're just like, you have a really positive

00:16:56vibe and energy about you always. I've never seen you and been like, Ooh, what's wrong with her?

00:17:01Like, you know what I mean? Like you're all, you're just one of those kinds of people. And I

00:17:04think people really gravitate towards that. Yeah. I think so too. I get a lot of rebookings,

00:17:09you know what I mean? And that means a lot to me, but I'm super positive, but being positive

00:17:14doesn't mean that you don't have bad days. It just means that you know better ones are coming

00:17:19and you know how to kind of stop and reset and check yourself and make sure that you're going

00:17:24about this in a way that you're not going to regret everything. I mean, with your interactions

00:17:28with people, because travel is not for everyone. Yeah. You know, it's funny because my boyfriend

00:17:34was actually, when I told him that you were going to be on the show, he was like, man, I follow her

00:17:38on, I think he follows you on Instagram or something like that. Shut up. You know, after

00:17:41he met you at Danny's wedding. Yeah. And he's like, I don't know how she does it. All she does

00:17:46is travel all the time. He's like, she must be so exhausted. She's just always in a different state.

00:17:52And he was like, so impressed by how you were able to manage all of that. And I was like,

00:17:58I'm sure she's got like a system down. But yeah, I personally couldn't do that. Like,

00:18:02I really like to be in one place. You know, I like to be home. I don't like to, I mean,

00:18:06I like to travel like for fun. Of course. But I don't particularly enjoy traveling for work.

00:18:11Yeah. It's a lot. It does take a lot out of you. And I know there are definitely girls that can

00:18:16sit at home on Snapchat and make more money doing that. But that's just not where I'm at right now.

00:18:21Right. I enjoy it. And eventually, of course, I'm going to want to slow down. I want to be

00:18:25done with this business before it's done with me. Yes. Yes. I know exactly what you mean.

00:18:29Not done with the business, but you know what I mean. At least starting to like have a little

00:18:33bit more of a home base business with the pole dance studio. I think that'll be a really good

00:18:40thing for me. Yeah. So what else is going on in your life? So you're feature dancing a lot.

00:18:45Right. You're thinking about opening up a pole fitness studio. You're living in Vegas.

00:18:50Yeah. I just moved to Vegas. My mom lives in Arizona. My mom and brother,

00:18:54so they're back and forth a lot because they like to watch my dog. They really like watching my dog.

00:18:59So I'm very fortunate that I have that. I have a Yorkie, but I found him at a no-kill animal

00:19:05shelter online one time. And so when he was a puppy and he has his full tail and everything,

00:19:09so I don't know who the fuck would give up a three-month-old Yorkie and not try to get like

00:19:14500 bucks out of him. Yeah. So I hit up this shelter. I was like, what do I got to do to get

00:19:19you guys to not give that dog away? I'm coming. Yeah. I'm coming to get this little dog.

00:19:23Were there other people that wanted it? I guess not.

00:19:26Wow. I can't believe it.

00:19:29Even like, who doesn't try to get money off of a purebred Yorkie like that? He's the best little

00:19:34dog. I got so lucky. Some things are just like super meant to be. So yeah. So I wanted to get

00:19:40into my personal life a little bit because I want, as positive, sex positive as an experience that I

00:19:45have had, I definitely at a young age, I didn't have sex until I was like 19 actually. Not that

00:19:51I wasn't comfortable showing my body in Playboy when I was 18. You were still a virgin when you

00:19:57did Playboy? No, I wasn't a virgin when I did Playboy, but I hadn't had sex yet when I was

00:20:03taking nude photographs of myself and sending them to Playboy. Oh, wow. Isn't that weird?

00:20:08Like what a weirdo. Like looking back, I'm like, what a weird child. But I think at the time I was

00:20:13just, to be honest, I was self-aware enough to know that having sex with a dude and the way that

00:20:18dude, like 19-year-old dudes are treating their girls. I had a lot of guy friends and that always

00:20:23keeps me from, saves me from certain situations. But I felt like I wasn't going to be ready to

00:20:30handle the emotions for that. So I had my first boyfriend when I was like 20 and to 22. And then

00:20:36I had, my last relationship was when I first got in the industry with someone that was behind the

00:20:40scenes. But so we split up when like, probably like eight years ago or nine years ago. And that

00:20:48was my last breakup. But I've been focused. It's so much fun. I got the travel and the suitcases.

00:20:54Got to work out in between and keep it all like looking good. So I've been busy and not really.

00:20:59And when you have a supportive family, you're very fulfilled. You don't feel like you need

00:21:02anybody else's approval. Yes, I hear you. I also am very close to my family and I've been single

00:21:10for lengths of time and I didn't feel like alone or I was missing anything. If anything, I kind

00:21:17of enjoyed it because I was able to do whatever I wanted. More time to see my friends, more time to

00:21:21focus on my career. And yeah, no, I never felt lonely. No, I didn't either. And so did it ever

00:21:29like affect you getting into relationships like what you do? No. No, but I think there's a big

00:21:35difference between working in front of the camera and behind the camera. Right. And I find that even

00:21:40for, and I only ask you that because I find a lot of, I like, I have a solid group of guy friends

00:21:45that are in and out of the industry. And the ones that are in the industry, I think they almost

00:21:51have it as hard as us performers. Oh no, for sure. Because there's a huge difference between guys and

00:21:56girls. Totally. Like guys have a really hard time because girls innately tend to be like more

00:22:01jealous and more, and also too, like, you know, they're usually not as accepting about porn as

00:22:09guys are. Guys will be like, oh, you work in a porn industry. That's cool. Like, yeah. All the

00:22:12reactions I've ever gotten has been like, oh, that's so cool. Like dope. You know, if anything,

00:22:17it's almost like the opposite. Like, oh, introduce me to all the porn stars. And do you go to like

00:22:21orgy parties? And can I come? I'm like, no, it's not like that. It's not like that at all. But

00:22:24where girls like they tend to not like the idea of their boyfriend being around a bunch of like

00:22:29naked girls all the time. I mean, who wants to like see their boyfriend off and pack his lunch

00:22:34for him when he's going to go shove a camera up some beautiful girl's ass. Right, right, exactly.

00:22:39So, and I think maybe there's more of a trust issue there, but I've never had a problem with

00:22:45it. And my current, you know, boyfriend doesn't. He's wonderful. Yeah, he's awesome. He doesn't

00:22:49care at all. I mean, obviously he follows me on Instagram. He obviously has put together.

00:22:55And that's what he's doing. I'm just kidding. Yeah, he's very, and he's very secure. I mean,

00:22:59my ex-husband, I think, could be a little bit insecure. I mean, he definitely had nothing

00:23:05against what I did for a living and he would even help me out sometimes. But I could see him being

00:23:10sometimes a little bit insecure about the male performers. But my current man doesn't. No, he's

00:23:16not. Well, I've also never been with a male performer. I don't like have a pattern of

00:23:23sticking with talent. I've never been with talent before. You and I just flirt with the boys. Yeah,

00:23:27I think we both kind of enjoy the flirting. Yeah, I'm a flirtatious girl by nature, but also too,

00:23:32I really want the guys to feel comfortable and to feel like, you know what I mean? Like,

00:23:36I'm trying to hype them up a little bit. Yeah, your mom is the best hype man of all industry.

00:23:43She loves playing cheerleader. Yeah, she would always, whenever she was ready for the guy to

00:23:48come on the scene, she'd be like, okay, penis. That's what she would say. And that would mean

00:23:53that the guy, she was ready for the guy to come in and start. Ready for the penis to come in.

00:23:57That's awesome. But so it's been about eight, like, oh shit, it's 2019 now. God, these years

00:24:03just swing by. I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it. I'm aware that I need to start prepping myself

00:24:10for the transition to not performing anymore. But I did. So I fell in love for the first time

00:24:17over the summer in June. It was so nice. We met in New York on a podcast. Okay.

00:24:25I might have you edit that out. It's going to be easy. No, you don't have to. I'm just kidding.

00:24:30But he was so supportive of my work. He was super supportive to the point where he was even writing

00:24:36emails for me, helping me compose emails as Jaden Cole and things were going really well.

00:24:41I never felt so loved and cared for. Like my guard could not have been more down.

00:24:47I could not have been more open to this. And you had waited for eight years.

00:24:52That's why I thought I like you. You probably thought like, fine, I got this. Yeah, I got

00:24:57obviously I know what I'm doing. I've been working like self loving for so long. I'm ready to share

00:25:02a little bit of it with someone. Yes. And so we planned a trip to Costa Rica in November and

00:25:08November was Exotica. I was supposed to go to his house afterwards. So we plan these trips together.

00:25:15We'd spend like a week to 10 days together and it was just like straight honeymooning.

00:25:19And then did you guys live by is he by coastal like he was on the other side?

00:25:23Basically. Yeah. Okay. Gotcha. And so then it was time in October, which is pretty quick.

00:25:30Like to be looking back, no one should really have this much access to your emotions in this

00:25:35short period of time. Yeah. We'll have to earn it. Yeah. You know, and it's not easily earned

00:25:40just having like a mostly phone relationship. Yeah. That's what happened with my ex-husband.

00:25:47Yeah. He was long distance? Yeah. He was from England.

00:25:50Right. But I didn't realize that like he wasn't living.

00:25:54No, we like fell in love over a whirlwind trip to Scotland. And then we had a long distance

00:26:02relationship for a year and then we got married so that he could move to LA and we could start a

00:26:06relationship. And then it didn't work once we were actually like living together. I mean,

00:26:13because then that's when you really get to know somebody.

00:26:15Definitely. Yeah. But anyways, go on. This is about you, not about me.

00:26:18Oh, no, it's about both of us, Holly. I think the fans agree.

00:26:22But so I went in October, he was going to introduce me to his extended family.

00:26:27And so extended family, had you already met his non-extended family, the parents?

00:26:31No, just friends. Okay. So he was going to introduce you to like his whole family.

00:26:35Yes. And he was a little nervous about how to navigate what I do. So we like have,

00:26:39we had great communication. So we were open and honest about how we would feel. And to be honest,

00:26:44I let him take the lead in a lot of aspects of our relationship. And I liked that. I kind of

00:26:49enjoyed having to take a break from being in control all the time. And he's definitely sort

00:26:56of like a masculine, like a little overbearing kind of OCD, anxiety ridden kind of guy. And I

00:27:02had a really soothing effect on him. So I loved that as a woman, you want to have like a nurturing

00:27:08effect on your man. And he liked that he was kind of like taking charge in a lot of aspects

00:27:13and, you know, helping me out with this and helping me out with banking and things like that.

00:27:16And like to feel that they're useful.

00:27:19Same with women in different ways, nurturing. So it was definitely like,

00:27:22I'm not sure how much of that was unhealthy, but we went to go meet the family. And he was like,

00:27:27I don't want to tell them right away. Are you okay with this? Like, if I just say you're kind

00:27:31of like a stripper playboy something and basically pole dance instructor. And I was like, yeah,

00:27:36of course we don't have to break it to them all at once. So we went and I totally opened my heart

00:27:41and home. Like they opened their home to me. I opened my heart to them. We all had a wonderful

00:27:47weekend. It was like an engagement party weekend, so much fun with their family. And then we both

00:27:52went took separate planes home on Monday. This is the Monday before Halloween, before Exotica.

00:27:57And we both went home. Everything was fine. I was going to Disneyland on Halloween, which I

00:28:02really appreciate him letting me enjoy Disneyland and not dumping me before because he was already,

00:28:07he had gotten on the plane Monday. And I guess this family member that we had spent some time

00:28:15with, he mentioned to me that she was sexually abusive towards him in his childhood. He mentioned

00:28:21that to me twice. She Googled my first and last real name with the word porn behind it,

00:28:27looked up images. And she did that because she knew that you'd been in Playboy and you danced.

00:28:33I'm not sure. Because otherwise, why would she attach porn to that?

00:28:37Exactly. She said she just felt like, I felt like it was weird too, but apparently,

00:28:43I don't know what I'm talking about. He's just like, that's not weird. I'm like,

00:28:46it's weird that someone would like meet someone and then attach, but whatever.

00:28:50Unless she recognized you. That doesn't make any sense. You wouldn't just randomly meet someone

00:28:55and be like, I'm going to look that person up and I'm going to put porn at the end of it.

00:28:58She said that she felt, or he told me that she said she had a feeling like something was up,

00:29:04something wasn't right. And I go, yeah, you were happy for the first time she's seen you happy.

00:29:09You don't come off like a porn star. You don't look like a porn star. You don't act like a,

00:29:13I mean, I don't know what a porn star, but you know what I'm saying? You don't have huge,

00:29:17inflated lips. What people would assume would be a stereotypical porn star is what I should say.

00:29:22100%.

00:29:23You don't like, you don't have bleach blonde hair. You don't have huge lips.

00:29:27I'm not the stereotype for sure. I can walk in the grocery store and-

00:29:31You look like a normal girl.

00:29:32Yeah, I am a normal girl. I live a pretty, the coolest part about me is that I do porn.

00:29:38That's the coolest, most exciting, interesting part about me.

00:29:40Yeah. That makes no sense. Someone's lying.

00:29:42It was weird. I know that the brothers already knew because he kind of told me that he was kind

00:29:48of like, told me about them in the beginning. So I thought everybody else kind of knew they

00:29:52were just keeping it from this other family member. And so he freaked out, of course,

00:29:58understandably. And then he was like, I need to talk to you. And this was November 1st when at 6

00:30:04AM I woke up because I had a noon flight to go to New Jersey for Exotica. I was going to go stay

00:30:10with him for a week afterwards. So I was planning this whole week to, my flight didn't leave for a

00:30:15week from New York.

00:30:17Can I ask you just real quick before you go on, what did she find on you when she Googled you?

00:30:22So she Googled my first and last real name with the word porn behind it and she Google

00:30:26image searched it. And what happens is there's that anti-porn site that came out in like 2011.

00:30:33I'm like, which one?

00:30:34Yeah. Honestly, I thought there would be more of this. This is one of the things that I weighed

00:30:39carefully before I got in the industry was like, there's going to be anti-porn websites that are

00:30:44going to try to exploit every little aspect of you. But if the worst thing I'm doing is like

00:30:48a bondage scene, I'm comfortable with that. You know what I mean? So the first picture you see

00:30:53is like the kink.com fucking machines picture.

00:31:00And I honestly, I had a great experience.

00:31:03Yeah. Now, everyone I know who's worked for Kink has always had glowing reviews about

00:31:09them and said they're really great at respecting boundaries, really great at communication.

00:31:13And everybody's always had a wonderful time. But I mean, it's some pretty hardcore BDSM and

00:31:19they're very good at making it look really intense.

00:31:23Yes. Yes.

00:31:24So it's out of my control what you're going to find if you're digging.

00:31:32But it's also out of my control their reaction. I've never been around people or spent time with

00:31:37them and left and had them think like, ew, she does porn. That's disgusting. I've always had

00:31:43them be like, oh, she does porn. How fucking cool. It's always been a positive response from

00:31:49my parents, friends that have known me since I was three years old. They're all just like, oh,

00:31:53she's happy, healthy, financially independent, not harming herself or others. How wonderful that

00:31:58she's so happy and can lead such a healthy life. That's it. That's all my experience has been.

00:32:04And I know this isn't true for everyone. I don't have a history of mental illness or trauma either

00:32:10to bring to the table so I couldn't have been less guarded. I don't view the world as like,

00:32:15oh, these people are going to maybe find something out or a picture. I'm not walking

00:32:19around with this paranoia. Because you're comfortable with yourself and what you do.

00:32:23It's been a really positive experience and I'm really happy with the life that I've been able

00:32:27to provide for myself and the freedoms that come along with it. So it's out of my hands.

00:32:32All I can control is my reaction. They freaked out. And the worst part, Holly,

00:32:36was when he told me what they said. The worst part that I've had a hard time getting out of my

00:32:42head is when apparently they were like, we don't get it. She was the sweetest girl. And I was like,

00:32:51as if what? As if like what? Like sweet girl, like horrible people.

00:32:55Only horrible people do porn.

00:32:57Get naked in front of... What the fuck?

00:33:00If you're on porn, you must be a horrible person. You must be damaged. You must be

00:33:04crazy. You must be on drugs. You must be all of these negative things. Because God forbid,

00:33:09a woman would never make a conscious decision to sexually express herself on camera for everybody

00:33:15else to see. There must be something wrong with her. I mean, the men, of course, the men are fine

00:33:20because men can make their own decisions and we trust that. But women are fragile things and

00:33:26they're always victims of circumstance. And there's no way that a woman made that own

00:33:33decision of her own volition.

00:33:35It's crazy. I've never been around people who've had that viewpoint. I knew they were kind of like

00:33:39old school, like old fashioned. Like they do coke behind their girlfriend's backs and get blowjobs

00:33:45in strip clubs. They were all joking about it behind their girlfriend's backs. I'm just like,

00:33:49yeah, whatever. Typical old school guys. I don't have a problem with that. You know what I mean?

00:33:53So I just didn't think anything of it. I felt like everybody knows this is fine.

00:33:59So apparently they freaked out. But that part really got to me. I've just never been

00:34:05around people that were just like, oh. I never expected a website like that or pictures like

00:34:15that to be passed. I never expected to fall in love and have my man's family passing around this

00:34:19website as if I should be defined by it. After meeting me, I've never had people sort of that

00:34:25had that feeling of people looking around at their phones like, ew, what the fuck is this?

00:34:31This is shocking and disturbing. I'm like, but you got to know the real me. Like that sweet girl,

00:34:37like that is me. That is who I am.

00:34:39Yeah, that's just your job.

00:34:40Yes.

00:34:41And this is like an experience that is just so much bigger because so many people in the

00:34:48porn industry deal with this all the time. And it's a real shame.

00:34:53I was nervous to open up to because I had to go to Exotica. I had to go get my nails done and go

00:34:58to the gym. And he broke up with me. He was like, I can't do this anymore while you're active in

00:35:02porn. The trip is canceled. You can't come here. I'll get you your money back for the flights to

00:35:09Costa Rica. I can't do this.

00:35:12And clearly his decision about this was based on his family's reaction because he already knew.

00:35:17It's not like you lied to him. He knew exactly what you did for a living.

00:35:20He always made sure that I knew that I was nothing but like loving and honest with him.

00:35:25He was like, this is not your fault. I wasn't honest with you. I wasn't honest with myself.

00:35:29It was a combination of factors. I believe transference being the main one.

00:35:32Yeah.

00:35:33But also like the fact that I think he was a little emasculated

00:35:37by where I'm at in life. He wasn't exactly where he wanted to be financially or career-wise.

00:35:41That combined with like past traumas that now I understand that normally or at times

00:35:48female performers in the industry have had a past of trauma and I'm not like discounting that.

00:35:53Right.

00:35:54I haven't. I'm in the adult industry. And this was my experience dealing with someone

00:35:59outside the industry that had past trauma and sexual abuse or whatever.

00:36:03Right.

00:36:04Which is crazy because when you make the assumption that all women in the adult industry

00:36:08are abused or have a history of that, you're not really offending us. What you're doing is sort of

00:36:14making all women who are not in the industry, who've never taken their clothes off for money,

00:36:20feel like the world is looking at them like they're some kind of whore.

00:36:24Yeah.

00:36:24It's degrading to women who aren't in the industry to

00:36:28assume that all women in the industry have been abused.

00:36:31Right. Well, I mean, the fact is that there's a lot of women in general who've been abused.

00:36:38Exactly.

00:36:38But if you decide to then enter the sex industry after that,

00:36:42that's got to be some kind of negative reflection on your past, not without-

00:36:48100%.

00:36:49I mean, I'm not a psychologist and-

00:36:51Right.

00:36:52There's so many people that will argue absolutely both sides. But I think that we're starting to see

00:36:58now that women especially have more of a voice in the adult industry and outside of the adult

00:37:04industry. I'm hoping that people are starting to accept the fact that all different kinds of women

00:37:10can come into the sex industry and make the choice to be in the sex industry for

00:37:14all different kinds of reasons. And it doesn't have to be because it was your only option,

00:37:20you were abused, you don't know what else to do with your life. And that certainly happens.

00:37:25Right.

00:37:26There's certainly women that fall into that category,

00:37:29but that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of women who don't fall into that category. And

00:37:33there's also women that I've spoken to who have had a traumatic past, who've actually,

00:37:38porn has helped them become independent and they've learned to heal through their time in

00:37:47the adult industry. It's been a safe place for them to express themselves, to rediscover who

00:37:52they are sexually, to find themselves. So everybody can have a different experience in this industry.

00:37:58If you go about it the right way financially, you can afford yoga therapy and Whole Foods diet.

00:38:04I know for me, I was just like, fuck yeah, dude, I can afford Whole Foods every week now.

00:38:08Like I first got in, I was so excited to be eating organic.

00:38:12No, this was like a textbook case of projection because also he had told me in the past,

00:38:18he had had relationships with women that caught him watching porn and were horrified and disgusted

00:38:25that he was watching porn. So he has a lot of shame associated with sexuality and porn in general.

00:38:33And obviously this family does too. I mean, what this all boils down to is shame based around sex.

00:38:39Projection. And the thing is, is that no one can shame you, but you. Of course I was betrayed,

00:38:44humiliated and hurt as hell, but it was like two separate traumas I was kind of experiencing

00:38:50because this guy went from my best friends, I was the one. And then three days later,

00:38:56he became a monster that just flipped my whole world upside down in a really harsh way.

00:39:00Yeah. This was when?

00:39:02In November before Exotica.

00:39:04And have you guys spoken since then?

00:39:07We've emailed. He was really hard on me the first few weeks. He was definitely trying to block me

00:39:13out and I was trying to get a better understanding, trying to piece it all together. He was being

00:39:17nasty. He was like, go back to that world that you love so much. My family didn't do anything

00:39:23wrong. They didn't do anything that anybody that cared about me wouldn't do and Google my

00:39:27girlfriend's name. I was just like, whoa, dude.

00:39:28This is so frustrating because it's such a 180 from where he was at before his family found out.

00:39:35Again, it's like he's acting like you lied to him and he found out what you did for a living.

00:39:42But then also constantly reminding me, even in those nasty emails at the end, he'd be like,

00:39:46I'm sorry, I didn't handle this correctly. You were nothing but supportive and loving.

00:39:52This just grosses me out. And then he started posting pictures with him having fun with other

00:39:58women on his Instagram just to twist the knife that was already stabbed in my heart, I guess,

00:40:04just for fun. I don't know. But anyway, he was doing that. And I remember in our final email,

00:40:10he really apologized and took accountability. But even in that email, he was like, I don't

00:40:16want to see your porn posts any more than you want to see me having fun with other women.

00:40:21I go, that would be as if throughout our relationship, I was encouraging you to

00:40:25post pictures with other women. Even in our last trip to see his family, he was like,

00:40:30go over there and take your pictures for your website. It's perfect.

00:40:33This lighting is perfect. He was helping me out and encouraging me every way.

00:40:38I would also like to point out the fact that you posting your porn posts is work.

00:40:44OK, this is your career. This is your work, which you established and he knew you were doing.

00:40:50Him posting pictures of himself having fun with other girls is his

00:40:54deliberate attempt to make you feel bad. They're two entirely different things.

00:40:58Subconsciously, I think so. Yeah. Oh, I know. I know. It was just horrible.

00:41:01I mean, look, look, we've all done it. I've done that, too, where I've broken up with a guy and

00:41:05I'm like, oh, really? And then I'll like post pictures. We all do it, that passive aggressive

00:41:11thing. Like it's so clear. Yeah, it's so clear that that's what he's doing.

00:41:15Yeah. And then I remember him saying in one of the nasty emails, he was like,

00:41:21how do you think it felt when my brothers looked up their older brother's girlfriend

00:41:25and she's advertising her rubber vagina? And I remember thinking like, that rubber vagina

00:41:35is a fucking honor. Do you know like what kind of status you have to reach in this industry

00:41:40to have a major effect? I don't even think how many other only girl performers have like a real

00:41:47legit from Fleshlight or Pornstar Stroker, one of the main stroker companies. Yeah,

00:41:51that's the equivalent of an NBA player getting his own shoe line.

00:41:56Not everybody gets that shit. That's top notch shit.

00:42:00I'm fucking proud of the rubber vagina. I'm sorry. I'm proud of it. I'm proud of the paychecks.

00:42:06Like, come on, they're business people. You don't understand this. This is like just an aspect.

00:42:11And then also, this is the other ironic thing. Now, I know he's trouble and, you know,

00:42:15it made me feel good as a woman to be like the nurturing calm effect. So I'm sure this played

00:42:20into it. But he was like, I respect him. He shit on my whole life and everybody in it. He was like,

00:42:27you are being in a damaging toxic environment at work. And like everybody that's supporting you

00:42:34is just exploiting you. I don't want to support anyone who's a part of the exploitation of women.

00:42:38I respect all women. I was raised by women. I love women. That may be true on the surface.

00:42:44But here's an interesting point. When we first were discussing our first trip together and we

00:42:49were going to hook up, I made him wear condoms. The second trip, you know, we're talking every day,

00:42:55we're getting to know each other and trusting a little bit more. And so he expressed his desire

00:43:00to not use condoms. And I'm like, all right, well, we got to go. I'm going to send you to

00:43:05the talent testing draw station so you can get on board with like our testing procedures that I

00:43:10trust so much. And so he got tested and he was like, I have been vaccinated for HPV, like all

00:43:19the nine major ones. And I have been since it first came out. And I got tested like once a

00:43:25year. My gynecologist does the HPV test just because I'm hella paranoid about it because it

00:43:29can cause cervical cancer in women, which is a slow and painful death. He has one of the HPV

00:43:37strains that causes cervical cancer in women. So we were talking about this and he goes, man,

00:43:42I'm so into you. If it were any other girl, I would be like, just take the dick or don't.

00:43:47Now, respecting all women to me is not exposing them carelessly to the virus that causes cervical

00:43:58cancer. But his idea of respect is as long as they're doing what he thinks is okay and acceptable.

00:44:06Wow. That's crazy.

00:44:08I know. It's so sad that I fell for someone like that. Like I'm so stupid. And the reason,

00:44:13when I went to Exotica, I had to be open with people in the industry because I mean, I can't

00:44:18fake a smile all weekend. I can't while I'm on the floor and I need to honor my commitments.

00:44:23And I'm totally like capable of that. So when I was telling people outside the industry,

00:44:30I remember Lisa Ann and I did a panel. And after the panel, she's like,

00:44:34you staying with your dude for the next few days in New York after this? I'll go,

00:44:38he just broke up with me. I don't really have a place to stay in New York for the next few days.

00:44:42She goes, what are you going to do? I'm like, haven't figured that out yet. I'm just trying

00:44:45to get through the next few hours and then I'll take it one moment at a time. But Dani Daniels

00:44:51and her husband took really good care of me. Everyone was so wonderful. I was scared to open

00:44:56up about it because for any reason, anyone's scared to open up about anything. You're afraid

00:45:01that people aren't going to grasp the depth of how much this is affecting me and how traumatic

00:45:07this is. So opening up, everyone showed me nothing but compassion and love and support,

00:45:14like true support. And they all kind of had their own version of the story, to be honest.

00:45:19But then, yeah, they just all had their own version of the story. I was really open and

00:45:24everyone was supportive. However, November went by, the email exchange was brutal. I was just

00:45:31trying to be like, I don't think it's unreasonable. My point was just, I love you. That doesn't just

00:45:35go away. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have wanted this to go differently.

00:45:41It was your family. I was going to go, well, I didn't want to lie, but do I want to get

00:45:45sexually harassed in an Uber? No. So sometimes I lie about it before I get to know someone.

00:45:50So I understood and I was going to support whatever he wanted to do because it's not my

00:45:54family. It's his family. You figured that he would know how to break it to that.

00:45:58He was handling it. I let him take the lead in a lot and I wish I should have pushed being honest

00:46:03first. It's funny because my boyfriend's family sort of knows what I do, but not really. Same

00:46:09thing. When I first met them, I was like, and this is always kind of an issue with whoever

00:46:16I date's family. I'm like, what are we going to tell them? It's up to you what you want to tell

00:46:21them. It is up to them. Because I don't care, but I don't know what your family's like.

00:46:25So he's like, well, I kind of just told your mom that you shoot for Playboy and blah, blah, blah.

00:46:29That's always the safe one, right? Yeah. You use that too. So it's a safe one and it wasn't

00:46:34untrue. So his mom still thinks that I work for Playboy. She doesn't really ask me to be honest,

00:46:42but his dad looked me up and totally knows what I do. And it's funny because he's clearly cool

00:46:51with it, but he'll bring it up whenever I go and see that he'll bring it up in some sly kind of

00:46:57way where he'll be like, he'll just make some kind of little joke. It's like a nudge, nudge, wink,

00:47:03wink, like I know what you do. Because he said something along the lines of, yeah, I looked you

00:47:06up. You have a lot of followers or something like that. I'm like, you looked me up, huh? And he's

00:47:10like, yeah, I looked you up. I'm like, so you know what I do? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like,

00:47:14okay. And it's just funny because he'll make these little hee hee jokes and his mom's still

00:47:19kind of like, I think she just doesn't really want to know. As long as I'm good to her son,

00:47:24she doesn't care so much. But yeah, it's kind of funny. It's like the same situation.

00:47:27They don't. We're not that open about it.

00:47:30I thought the brothers and everybody already knew because he was bragging about me back when we first

00:47:33started hooking up. He told me about that. So I thought everybody knew. And then when we were at

00:47:37the engagement party, some of the fiance's friends were like, oh, hey, I've heard a lot about you.

00:47:42And I was kind of like, same thing, like wink, wink. All right, cool. Who cares, right? It's

00:47:46cool because you guys are just getting to know who I am and that doesn't really have anything

00:47:51to do with. I also always compare it to waitressing or bartending when the way that like,

00:47:56did you think I would go up to people and serve them food for free? Do you think I really care

00:48:06what kind of appetizer you're going to pick before your meal? That just doesn't happen.

00:48:10So for someone to think that I am just this persona, like that of the business that I run

00:48:15online, it's sort of strange and interesting to me. I mean, I'd also like to bring up the fact,

00:48:22just going back to what you said earlier about how he said that he respects all women. If he

00:48:28respected all women, wouldn't he respect the choices that you've made for yourself?

00:48:33A hundred percent. Here's what I gathered was that he comes from a family of conditional love.

00:48:38And then, so a few weeks went by and I was not getting better. Different traumas were hitting

00:48:45me at different times. He's posting pictures with other women. I'm like losing it, not doing better.

00:48:51And I'm a healthy person and I want to stay that way. So I got a therapist through someone in the

00:49:01industry that's adult industry friendly. And I was like, this needs to happen. You know what I mean?

00:49:06I need a little guidance here because this is just not getting better. So she's like,

00:49:10oh, you're having like two. So it's been great. I've been in therapy. It's been wonderful.

00:49:14Therapy is amazing.

00:49:15I never wanted to, or like really needed to, or really understood like meditation or anything

00:49:20like that. I was just like, I just need like smoke a joint, watch an episode of Bob's Burgers,

00:49:24pretty much cured any bad day that I had. But the therapist was like, no, you're having like a

00:49:30normal healthy person's reaction to trauma, but you need to like own that trauma. So I've spent,

00:49:35I could not have done this podcast in December last month, for sure. I was not ready. I was

00:49:40definitely needed to, I needed to heal properly. And I think to heal from emotional trauma,

00:49:46you need to spend time alone. Definitely.

00:49:50And that's gotta be, I mean.

00:49:52Really spend time with yourself, enjoy it, get to know yourself like all over again,

00:49:56because you're not going to be the same person you were before something like this happened.

00:50:00Yeah. I mean, you're going to have trust issues now, I would assume.

00:50:02No, I'm not. I have goals to come out of this heartbreak. I have goals that not only am I not

00:50:09going to like develop any kind of weird trust issues, because everybody's different. And that

00:50:14comes naturally to me. I don't want to close myself off. It doesn't feel good to me. I'm

00:50:19not going to keep going that way. I will not close myself off. My goal is to come out of this like

00:50:24even more compassionate towards people, and even more loving.

00:50:29You tried to practice like kind of maybe trying, no, I don't want to say like looking at it from

00:50:36his point of view, but trying to have compassion for how he is basically not handling it well,

00:50:43and doesn't have the right tools to be basically.

00:50:49Most definitely. He's been in therapy his whole life. And I remember so like when I was having

00:50:54the hardest time, I was hitting up the mutual friend of ours that hooked us up kind of,

00:50:58and she was talking to one of his best friends that is like his confidant. This guy, this friend

00:51:03of his was like, tell Jaden if she wants to talk to me, I'll talk to her. This guy is a hypocrite.

00:51:10He consumes porn. I can't believe he's doing this to her. Like this is ridiculous. He's been in

00:51:15therapy his whole life. He's financially dependent on his family's opinion. I was like, whoa.

00:51:21That connected a lot of dots. I'm so ignorant for not seeing it.

00:51:26I mean, but you know, you guys were together for all that long, and you didn't live

00:51:32even on the same coast. I know. How could I have really put that together? Exactly.

00:51:37I really couldn't have. So I was like, you know, I don't need to talk to one of his friends just

00:51:41to hear this information. I got the message. I just got to work on myself and just sort of spend

00:51:46that time to myself. The therapy is helping. Also, I experiment. I stopped smoking weed when I moved

00:51:53to Vegas last summer, basically, like almost completely. Not out of even trying. I just

00:51:59happened to not go. I mean, the weed stores are everywhere in Vegas. The parking lots are

00:52:04so much more pleasant to navigate than they were here in LA. I don't know how I'm not smoking weed

00:52:09in Vegas, but you know, I'm obsessed with my new house. It's the first time. I'm a first-time

00:52:13homeowner. So it's like, you know, I have other things that keep me busy and fulfilled. So the

00:52:19weed just kind of fell by the wayside. However, during this time, I have experimented with

00:52:26mushrooms for fun. I've heard that people have said that that can be a very healing

00:52:30therapeutic experience. For me, it is. You know, shrooms will open up, I believe,

00:52:37your pineal gland in some way. And so it will open. You're going to face emotions that

00:52:42could be buried deep. So if you have deep unresolved trauma, that's going to come to

00:52:47the surface and you're going to be faced with them. Because, you know, when you brush it under

00:52:51the rug, like he did throughout our relationship, it doesn't go away. It's actually downstairs in

00:52:58the basement of your soul doing push-ups, getting ready to come kick your ass when you least

00:53:04expected. And so I try not to brush anything under the rug. So I had to face it emotionally,

00:53:10like healing, be by yourself. So I've had fun with shrooms. In fact, our buddy Ryan Keely and I,

00:53:16we went downtown LA, you know, the spa, the Korean spa. The one with the lights and the co-ed

00:53:22area and the like food and drinks. I've only been to the one that's not co-ed. Oh, God,

00:53:27gotta try the co-ed one. Maybe it was just the shrooms, but we had a great time. It was so much

00:53:32fun. She's so fun. She is. Ryan Keely is amazing. I love her. But for this particular situation,

00:53:38like I had like a couple Sundays off where I would just take them to myself and like microdose.

00:53:44Not even microdose. Sometimes I just do a full dose. Sometimes I intended to microdose and it

00:53:48ended up miscalculating into a full dose. But it really made me face it and sort of immediately

00:53:54made me realize like, hey, like I'm full of unconditional love. To be able to give the kind

00:53:59of pure unconditional love is a beautiful thing. And I'm capable of turning it back around on

00:54:04myself and just remembering how much I enjoyed just being alone before this bozo came into the

00:54:11picture. You know what I mean? Flipped it all up. Well, I feel like this experience is just

00:54:15another example of like what an incredibly whole, wonderful human being you are. And the way that

00:54:20you're dealing with all of this is really admirable and very healthy. Yeah. Like I said,

00:54:27my goal is to be a healthier, happier individual, more compassionate, more understanding,

00:54:32less frustrated. You're using it as like a positive building block for your life. Like

00:54:36you're learning from it and you're using it to kind of maybe deal with some other issues that

00:54:42you hadn't looked at before. And that's an incredible, that's incredible. I wish I dealt

00:54:48with shit that way. Definitely. That's my goal. And that's the benefit of spending time alone

00:54:56for years and not rushing into dating or relationships or anything like that. And

00:55:00really just kind of waiting for something that could destroy you. Because that's the only way

00:55:06you do grow. I'm never going to be the same person that I was before this trauma, before I felt like

00:55:11people were, you know, pointing and whispering after getting to know me. But like, that's what

00:55:16you got to do with it. Yeah. That's why, that's the ups and downs of life. But the psychedelics

00:55:21definitely help. In fact, I did a podcast with a former WWE superstar Ryback Reeves recently,

00:55:27which was great. I got to talk a little bit about this, but it was with guys. So it's a

00:55:31little bit of a different perspective. Right. Which is great. I like all perspectives. I'm

00:55:35open to constructive criticism always. So I feel like it helps me a lot. And I feel like we shouldn't

00:55:41hide it from each other, make it or be uncomfortable with constructive criticism. Yes. And so it was

00:55:47great to talk to these guys about it. But I remember bringing up my favorite episode of

00:55:52Holly Rendell, Unfiltered, was the first episode with your parents. Yes. My favorite one, too.

00:55:57Really? It's a great interview. And your mom was discussing microdosing.

00:56:02Yeah, my parents had microdosing before, like, it was cool. Before the Silicon Valley even existed.

00:56:09Yeah. Before it was a thing. Before it was even called microdosing.

00:56:12I mean, it's fascinating how it can sober you up. You know, I was having fun in New Orleans

00:56:18during Halloween last year with some pretty conservative friends who just, like, drink wine.

00:56:24And they were kind of like, oh, you're bringing your weed pen because we're showing her. I was

00:56:27like, no big deal. I'll just put it. It's not a big deal. Like, I'll put it away. It's not.

00:56:30But they were like, okay, so she's doing the shrooms. I'm like, it's Friday night on Halloween

00:56:34weekend in New Orleans. Of course I am. Yeah. So I took a little bit. I had made these chocolates

00:56:39for myself. And I took a couple. And they didn't do anything. Like, an hour and 15 minutes later,

00:56:44I was drinking wine. And I'm like, I can't even get a buzz off of this fucking Pinot Noir.

00:56:49Like, what's going on? And then I was like, can we maybe, maybe I'll go back to the hotel and get

00:56:54another one. They were kind of conservative. They were like, we don't really want you to do that.

00:56:58I was like, that's fine. No big deal. I'll just eat at a Tiki, which is my favorite late night

00:57:03restaurant in New Orleans. There's this great Mediterranean restaurant in New Orleans that's

00:57:08opened super late. Which I really want to go. I know. Everyone tells me I would love it.

00:57:13The first time I went there was a week where I was kind of feeling like I might be getting sick.

00:57:18So I took it easy. Did the daytime activities. Didn't drink. So as someone who doesn't drink,

00:57:24you're going to have just a great time there. Yeah. Seeing the sights and the history.

00:57:28Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm interested in. Yeah. Yeah. Not the, not the Mardi Gras party.

00:57:32Oh, God. Yes. Yes. So yeah, the mushrooms have, between the shrooms and like the,

00:57:39um, working on myself and the therapy, it's been a really positive turnaround for me.

00:57:45So you've really like taken this and turned it into like a positive learning experience.

00:57:49You have to. Yeah. And nothing heals emotional wounds like helping others.

00:57:54And so in February, I have like, um. It's so crazy because I can't tell you

00:57:59how much of what you're saying is literally like exactly what they talk about in 12-step programs.

00:58:03Is it really? Oh, exactly. Like,

00:58:06exactly. And that was one thing, like the 12-step of, um, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous is, uh,

00:58:13taking, you know, your, your experience, your healing and going and helping others.

00:58:17Oh, it helps so much. So that, that's what like completes the triangle.

00:58:21You know, um, but yeah, there's so many things that you've said. I'm just like, dude, is she,

00:58:25I'm like, is she in the program? I've only had. I'm like, I know you're not in the program,

00:58:28but you're literally talking. And the thing is about the 12-step is it can be applied to

00:58:31anything. There are so many like amazing things about it that it doesn't have to be about drinking.

00:58:35Right. Or drugs or anything like that. And it's about like a really great way to live your life.

00:58:39I mean, I've never been like a spiritual or even religious or even spiritual person,

00:58:45but like over the past couple months, I knew that I sort of needed to like do some reading about like

00:58:51how to, how to deal with trauma constructively. Yeah. And so that's where it's kind of coming

00:58:56from. Cause I've only had like three therapy sessions. You've had a lot out of three therapy

00:59:01sessions. I'm incredibly impressed. Thank you. I think I was always capable of handling trauma

00:59:07in this way is what it boils down to. But my therapist is also, she makes herself available

00:59:11on Voxer so that throughout the day, if I'm like going through something, I can always hit her up

00:59:17and she will. I know it's been wonderful, but so a couple of years ago in 2012, my best civilian

00:59:25friend, since I was like 18 has a daughter, she got diagnosed with a really, really rare form of

00:59:30cancer. Her 12 year old was diagnosed with, it's called chondrosarcoma, mixoid chondrosarcoma of

00:59:39the soft tissue, which is basically a crazy spine cancer. And what was crazy was, so she was in the

00:59:46hospital, basically lived in the hospital for two years in the children's hospital. And God,

00:59:52there was only one place in Southern, all of Southern California that had this specific proton

00:59:58radiation therapy treatment that she needed to do. So it started out, she was going, driving

01:00:03almost two hours one way every week to get this proton radiation therapy. And I would go meet them

01:00:08because no one, my family and friends, like before I got in the industry, no one was really

01:00:13financially stable. So these people weren't financially stable. I was the only one in their

01:00:18life that had the time, the freedom and the money to basically go help them and spend time with them.

01:00:24That took up my whole life. So dating was kind of out of the question from 2012 to now,

01:00:29because I was sort of reeling from this, dealing with it, but also being the strong one,

01:00:35because my role to them was to come in and sort of help them kind of feel like we were just back

01:00:41to normal and just sitting on the couch, like we're at home while they're in the hospital.

01:00:45No one else in their family could take eight hours off of work every Tuesday to go just spend time

01:00:50with them and make them feel normal. So I saw a lot of stuff. And when she passed in 2014,

01:00:57we started like a toy drive for the hospital because all the kids there don't get to see

01:01:04their families. A lot of them are low income families that just don't have the means to

01:01:08provide anything for the holidays. So we would do a toy drive. And I know it's taboo to involve

01:01:13an adult industry person with anything to do with kids. So I was kind of cautious about it.

01:01:17Which I mean, we're not pedophiles, right? No, definitely. But I know what you mean.

01:01:26Like it is. It's like you can't. And on one hand, like I get the idea. You don't want to

01:01:31mix the idea of like sex with children, obviously. But it's also like we're not monsters.

01:01:38I mean, my friend and her husband, they've been together since they were like 15 and they're

01:01:42huge hippies. Like straight up tells their kids what I do. And their kids aren't going to go do

01:01:50porn just because Aunt Meg, that's my real name, like they're not interested. What I do isn't cool

01:01:56no matter what. We're old people to them. It's weird. So it's never been like a problem. But

01:02:03we did start that toy drive. And what I would do is just sort of tweet it out and Instagram it.

01:02:06And my fans, my wonderful fans, would go on Amazon and just buy a bunch of toys and have

01:02:12them send it to my P.O. Box. And then what we would do is every day before Christmas Eve,

01:02:17we would just drop off the kids' gifts in the big room and separate them by age group so that

01:02:22they could just come in with their parents at their leisure on Christmas Day and pick whatever

01:02:26they want. Now, the last couple of years, to be honest, the family's just like, we don't want to

01:02:31do it again. We're ready to start making new memories. We don't want every Christmas to

01:02:37about our lost child and cancer. And the first couple of years, I encouraged her to go to the

01:02:42old wing that we spent so much time at. And it was really hard. So I could see how they're just

01:02:47ready to move on. And I totally respect that. So I'm starting to, in February, I have a gig in

01:02:54Louisville, Kentucky. And they have something out there called the Shamrock Foundation,

01:02:59which is basically pairing abandoned animals to good homes. And so I'm going to take,

01:03:04February, it's Valentine's Day weekend. So you've got to come show me some love,

01:03:08Kentucky. But Valentine's Day weekend, I'm going to take half my tips from

01:03:12whichever show I make more off of on Friday and Saturday night, and I'm going to donate it to the

01:03:16Shamrock Foundation and the ASPCA out there. And the club owner is so on board with this. So that

01:03:21helps. And I have a manager too that helps me manage different websites and this kind of stuff.

01:03:26So that's what we're working towards is getting a more regular thing like this going. Because I

01:03:32never even, my tips are sort of like a cash savings. You know what I mean? I never spend them

01:03:39anyway. I might as well give back to the communities that are accepting me.

01:03:43That's really great. So now you are living in Vegas.

01:03:48Yes.

01:03:48And what is that like for you compared to LA? Because I got to say, I have a very,

01:03:53my opinion of Vegas, I don't know. Whenever I go, I only go for the AVN show and I only stay on this

01:03:57trip. And I fucking hate it.

01:03:59That was my experience too. It's disgusting. I was like, first of all, you make me drive

01:04:03through a meth lab. The hills have eyes for three hours. What good could possibly come out

01:04:08of a place that was basically built for the mobs to dump bodies at? I thought it was so trashy.

01:04:15But over the past year, I started webcamming with girls that lived in Vegas. And I was like,

01:04:20oh, this isn't a bad life. There's more to, it's not just 24-hour video poker at a gas station.

01:04:27So you were introduced to a different part of Vegas by going out to Vegas and working with

01:04:31other girls at their homes. And so you saw how other people lived in Vegas besides the people

01:04:35who live on the strip.

01:04:36Exactly. Instead of just going into shoot or staying on the strip and doing the whole AVN,

01:04:43EDI awards. Those were always really fun too. But yeah. So I did some mushrooms,

01:04:50but I really want to do peyote. If anyone out there has any kind of shaman-

01:04:54Have you ever thought about doing ayahuasca?

01:04:56Okay. There is no level of enlightenment that I need

01:05:00that causes me to be puking and shitting for 24 hours. And I've heard that is what goes on.

01:05:08And you're not allowed to be around your friends and everyone's just on there. I don't need that

01:05:13level of enlightenment.

01:05:14That's too much enlightenment for you.

01:05:17Come on. I just want a few hours.

01:05:19When I heard that you wear all white and you shit yourself, I was like, what? Okay. Apparently,

01:05:25you don't necessarily shit yourself, but you have to shit a lot. I mean, you could shit yourself,

01:05:32but it's not like everybody's just shitting themselves. There's toilets and there's buckets

01:05:38to throw up in. But everyone I've spoken to who's done it says it's been an amazing experience,

01:05:43but it's not for me either.

01:05:44Yeah. Peyote, I heard, fills you with a lot more compassion. And that's always my goal,

01:05:53is to just understand how fulfilling it is to be a giving person than a taking person,

01:06:01and just be conscious of other people's comfort level throughout all aspects of life.

01:06:05I remember I watched a documentary on Peyote, and this Native American shaman set up a teepee,

01:06:10and he's like, I want to share this with white people. You're not my enemy.

01:06:14He goes, I actually had done an experience of Peyote where I ate so much, I actually found

01:06:18compassion for the Spanish. That's the level I'm trying to get to, but I don't want to be

01:06:26out for a day or two. I got shit to do. Whatever I learned from mushrooms, I can take with me.

01:06:34But yeah, Vegas, to me, it was just a different kind of trashy. I'm from Long Beach in Southern

01:06:40California, where it's like a specific type of trashy, like a sublime 90s kind of alternative

01:06:46trashy that I grew up with and I'm really comfortable with. This is like 24-hour tweaker

01:06:52video poker. But yeah, going and seeing how the other women were living in the industry,

01:06:58I was like, this is totally great, and I want to buy my first house, so let's make it happen.

01:07:03My mom actually came out-

01:07:04God, lord knows nobody can buy a house in fucking LA.

01:07:08My mom actually came out to Vegas for Avian. She's been with me for a couple of Avians,

01:07:13because that is the best part of my job, right? It's the most glamorous. She loves it. She's

01:07:18single, has been from my dad since like my mid-20s, so she enjoys the hell out of it.

01:07:24She likes the attention. She just thinks it's so cool and fun. So the next day,

01:07:28our plan was to start looking for a new place, and so we closed in July, and then I had a tenant

01:07:34living. The tenant stayed there till August. It's been wonderful.

01:07:37Wow. So this is your first home, I assume, that you-

01:07:40Yes.

01:07:40Is it like, do you feel so grown up now, being a homeowner?

01:07:44No, I kind of feel a little bit more like my wheels are spinning constantly. This is what

01:07:49I want to do here. This is what I want to do here. I'll admit this guy that I was in

01:07:53the relationship with, he helped me put this house together. So coming home from the trips,

01:07:58like Exotica, and coming home to an empty house, and I don't have anyone to talk to,

01:08:04that was a difficult adjustment. And then getting the fucking flight alerts that my

01:08:11flight to Costa Rica was taking off in 24 hours, that's heartbreaking. That's the worst. You're

01:08:17like, oh yeah, that trip that I got dumped so I can't go on, that's awesome.

01:08:22Well, I think ultimately now you need to go to Costa Rica either by yourself and have an

01:08:26amazing time or go with a friend. You need to readjust your experience with Costa Rica,

01:08:34because you don't want it to always be associated with that guy.

01:08:37That's important, because I also had, not that I'm comparing Costa Rica to a planner,

01:08:42but I had this day planner that we filled out together with all his trips up until New Year's,

01:08:48that we were supposed to be on each coast or whatever. And I was like, for about a month,

01:08:53I was like, I'm burning that planner. And then eventually I picked it up and I started writing

01:08:59in it, and now it's my planner again. That's what I noticed I'm healing. Don't try to brush

01:09:06that shit under the rug and burn the planner. Pick up the planner, face it, see how you feel,

01:09:12and own it again. So I'm owning my love, because that's a beautiful thing to have unconditional

01:09:17love that you can give to someone else. He's not capable of that. And that's too bad, but it's not

01:09:22my problem. No, it's not. And you're going to find somebody amazing, because you are amazing.

01:09:27My pussy might be going back into hibernation off camera for a few more years, but yeah,

01:09:32hopefully that's the goal.

01:09:34Well, all of this is going to be, because you're going to meet an amazing guy and all of this

01:09:39that you've learned and everything that you've taken away from this is going to just make your

01:09:44next relationship work, and it's going to make it so much stronger. You're going to look back

01:09:48on all of this and you're going to be like, oh my God, what the fuck? It's like you can never see

01:09:53it when you're in the moment where it's going to lead you, because you don't know where you're

01:09:57going. But then when you finally reach that point and you look back, you're like, oh, all of this

01:10:02had to happen for things to be the way they are now.

01:10:05You're right, 100%.

01:10:06It's been my experience.

01:10:07And my shame and embarrassment was truly, after doing the work and really learning,

01:10:12no one can shame you but you. No one can make you feel embarrassed but you. So it was shocking

01:10:18and heartbreaking and I felt betrayed, but my shame was coming more from the fact that I

01:10:23fucked the wrong guy. It took me eight years just to fuck another horrible person. I was like,

01:10:30oh God, that's what I was embarrassed about. But when I started opening up to people

01:10:34and just sort of facing it, and other people's response has always been like, don't be embarrassed.

01:10:41Everyone fucks the wrong guy at one point.

01:10:42Oh God, absolutely.

01:10:43I mean, everyone.

01:10:44Absolutely.

01:10:46Same with guys, like fuck the wrong girl too or whatever. We all just stumble into that.

01:10:50So it's a human thing. It's just I, you know.

01:10:54It's a journey.

01:10:57And I'm enjoying the journey, enjoying each part every day that I wake up and I'm feeling better.

01:11:01Although I will say like I've learned not every day is progressive,

01:11:05but you have to remember that better days are coming.

01:11:08Yeah, I think that's a really important lesson.

01:11:10Definitely.

01:11:11Yeah.

01:11:12Well, I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for everything that happened to you, but

01:11:17I'm happy to see you.

01:11:18I'm so happy to see you. I'm so glad to get on the show.

01:11:20I'm glad that I brought you here and brought you on the show.

01:11:25Yeah. Thank you for coming.

01:11:27I will come anytime. Let's get you home safe.

01:11:30I know, right?

01:11:33Bye, everyone.

01:11:34Bye, everybody. Thank you. Oh, wait, before we go,

01:11:37tell everybody where they can find you on social media.

01:11:39Okay, on social media, on Twitter, I'm just at jaydencole, J-A-Y-D-E-N-C-O-L-E.

01:11:44On Instagram, I'm jaydencole with a number five.

01:11:47I haven't had five Instagram accounts, but I have been shut down a few times,

01:11:50so we're sticking to jaydencole5.

01:11:52jaydencole5.

01:11:52Yes. And then also on February 14th or 16th, I'll be...

01:11:57Can I go over some dates real quick?

01:11:58Yes, absolutely.

01:11:59In Louisville, Kentucky, because this comes out before Valentine's Day, right?

01:12:02Sure.

01:12:03Sure. And then...

01:12:04I think so.

01:12:05February 22nd, 23rd, I'll be at...

01:12:10What was the one? The Trophy Club in South Carolina.

01:12:13What do I know?

01:12:14Because Stormy Daniels, it was the club owner who defined the term,

01:12:19make America horny again tour.

01:12:21Oh, I have no idea.

01:12:22I know. I know. I know. Why would you know that?

01:12:24No idea.

01:12:25But it's just funny. I always think of that. That's the club, the Trophy Club,

01:12:29February 22nd, 23rd. And then March 15th and 16th, I'll be an expose in San Diego.

01:12:34And then April 11th through 12th, I'll be at Detroit Deja Vu.

01:12:41And then, no, Cheerleaders Philly in the following weekend, I'll be at Detroit Deja Vu.

01:12:46But they can find all of this on your social media too, right?

01:12:47Yeah, you'll find it on Twitter and Instagram.

01:12:49And I'm like writing it all down and everything like that.

01:12:51Yeah, yeah, exactly.

01:12:52Okay.

01:12:52If any of those cities ring a bell, I'll see you there.

01:12:55Yay. Yeah, definitely go see her. She's amazing.

01:12:58And she deserves all your dollar bills.

01:13:00Dollar dollar bills.

01:13:01And you guys can follow me at Holly Randall on Instagram and on Twitter.

01:13:07And if you want to drop me a line about this podcast,

01:13:10maybe suggest some upcoming guests, or just give me some feedback in general,

01:13:13you can always email me, hollyrandallunfiltered at gmail.com.

01:13:18Thank you all, and we'll see you next week.

01:13:31Bye.

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