Jayden Cole My Boyfriend Left me because I shoot Porn interview / Podcast
Jayden Cole My Boyfriend Left me because I shoot Porn interview / Podcast
Transcript
00:00:21hello everybody happy Wednesday welcome
00:00:24back to the show today I have one of my
00:00:27favorite people in the industry an old
00:00:29friend and seriously one of the nicest
00:00:32girls in the industry like I everybody
00:00:36nobody ever has a bad thing to say about
00:00:38you oh that's awesome I should probably
00:00:40tell you guys who this is this is jaden
00:00:42Cole hello everyone
00:00:45hi Jayden thank you for having me Hall
00:00:47here welcome you look amazing by the way
00:00:49thank you you look really really good I
00:00:51saw recently that you did a shoot with
00:00:54Molly Stewart which you guys oh my god
00:00:57you guys are perfect together because
00:00:58you're both tall red heads like similar
00:01:00body type yeah it was that a great shoe
00:01:03it was wonderful she was wonderful and
00:01:06Marcos Rivera the photographer's great
00:01:08yeah and yeah it's been great I got to
00:01:10shoot in Vegas I just moved there right
00:01:12from LA how are you liking it I love it
00:01:15so much really no perfect right now my
00:01:18goal is to open a pole dance studio out
00:01:20there oh cool what I've found in Vegas
00:01:23interestingly enough is that there
00:01:25aren't a lot of like pole dance studios
00:01:27that's that sort of celebrate women
00:01:30feminine sexuality they're more geared
00:01:31towards athleticism yeah which I
00:01:34understand right they're kind of like
00:01:36hashtagging not a stripper to separate
00:01:38themselves from the adult industry which
00:01:40is silly I know but I understand to
00:01:43bring a more of a mainstream perspective
00:01:45people that wouldn't normally be
00:01:46interested in that yeah but since I
00:01:49don't want to hide from my past I
00:01:50actually want to utilize it and utilize
00:01:52my like feature Dance Awards as the
00:01:54thing that like will benefit the pole
00:01:56dance studio for Vegas is the perfect
00:01:59place to do that yeah so I'd like to
00:02:01bring the sexy to the pole dance yeah
00:02:03it's interesting I literally just had
00:02:05this exact same conversation with Karen
00:02:07waar on my podcast where she was talking
00:02:10about like pole fitness and how a lot of
00:02:12these places want to separate themselves
00:02:14from like the stigma that they might be
00:02:16the stripper studio but I like your idea
00:02:19of flipping that around and being like
00:02:22hey let's celebrate female sexuality and
00:02:26strippers are hot and sexy and [ __ ]
00:02:28talented holy [ __ ] some of the things
00:02:31that you guys can do on that pole
00:02:32so impressive and just beyond me and I
00:02:35took a pole dancing class once in this
00:02:37shit's hard ass huh oh my god I remember
00:02:41my first one to thinking I got this in
00:02:43the bag
00:02:43I'd been yeah feature dancing on the
00:02:45road and I just been doing yoga I was a
00:02:47big yogi and I remember I was like oh my
00:02:50[ __ ] left ribcage hurts
00:02:53yes happening yeah but you know it's
00:02:55very intimidating when you walk into a
00:02:56pole dance studio and there's an
00:02:57intermediate or advanced class going are
00:03:00you [ __ ] out of here yeah I can't I'm
00:03:01yeah but the beginner classes are so
00:03:04wonderful and you really do feel like
00:03:05super strong and sexy without an
00:03:08audience
00:03:09yeah it's just the most satisfying thing
00:03:11right I was so interesting too because I
00:03:13learned like so many other new things
00:03:16like how strippers has very specific
00:03:18heels that they get that like are sticky
00:03:21on the sides they like stick to the pole
00:03:23and like and that actually I guess if
00:03:26they have a platform or like the higher
00:03:27they are like the easier it looked but
00:03:29there was this whole like logistical
00:03:31thing to stripper shoes and how you need
00:03:33to have like the perfect stripper shoes
00:03:35and I was like wow I didn't know all of
00:03:37this thought went into Footwear but it
00:03:39makes sense
00:03:39they're definitely designed for long
00:03:41shifts yeah I think yeah I'd your
00:03:44podcast music by the way the intro music
00:03:46it's so fun I love it you do I mean
00:03:49you've got like such a sultry sexy
00:03:51picture for Holly Randell unfiltered
00:03:53it's so fun I hear the thing like I mean
00:03:58come on like it's right by me and you're
00:04:00looking at me and you're looking at that
00:04:01picture I know you gotta be like there's
00:04:03a little Photoshop in there the iPhones
00:04:10the Internet everybody knows were all
00:04:11photoshopping like embracing like a like
00:04:16like the imperfections and I've always
00:04:19been a super like woman lover like I
00:04:22always my favorite part of doing girl
00:04:24girl scenes is like falling in love for
00:04:26the day and making that girl feel like
00:04:28so beautiful and like a million dollars
00:04:30yeah the best she could possibly feel I
00:04:32love charming the pants off of women
00:04:34figuratively you charm the pants off
00:04:36everybody and literally my pants are off
00:04:38right now I know you can't talk there's
00:04:39a table here but that you've charmed
00:04:41them off they're gone your music
00:04:43like like underground 1940s burlesque
00:04:48cabaret that's what I wanted I wanted
00:04:50because I was checked it was it was a
00:04:52struggle to find the right music like I
00:04:53didn't know what I wanted I didn't want
00:04:55something cheesy I kind of like what I
00:04:58really liked is I like like swing dance
00:05:01stuff I like retro I like yeah cuz I
00:05:04love shooting pinup and all that kind of
00:05:06stuff so I thought okay that makes sense
00:05:09for me or like trip-hop or something
00:05:11like ambient like that but that's like
00:05:12too mellow you want something like a
00:05:13little more exciting so actually my
00:05:15boyfriend and I went through like a lot
00:05:17of songs before we finally settled on
00:05:19that one so it took me a while hey no
00:05:24one would complain
00:05:27by the way you are
00:05:28one of my fart started and I farted in
00:05:31the industry industry in Playboy
00:05:36magazine I when I like 18 I sent my
00:05:39pictures like soon as I so remember you
00:05:42at first when we first shot you my mom
00:05:45shot you Derek hey sent you over and it
00:05:48was like a big deal cuz you were in
00:05:49Playboy you'd never done this before
00:05:51you're all natural no tattoos redhead I
00:05:55just I very very clearly remember our
00:05:58first shoot absolutely I remember so I
00:06:01started with LA Turks which was a great
00:06:03experience for me for everything that
00:06:04everyone else has to say about him I had
00:06:06my first year with him was wonderful he
00:06:08was very respectful of like my
00:06:10boundaries mhm and it were he would did
00:06:12great for me yeah so it was so funny it
00:06:15did playboy and then my first shoot ever
00:06:17my first day basically was a GoSee with
00:06:20your mom at 10:00 a.m. yeah which was
00:06:22hella nerve right you know every one of
00:06:24the industry's nervous yes everyone
00:06:25knows who your mom is but not anymore
00:06:28sadly a lot of people I actually
00:06:31interviewed a girl the other day you
00:06:32know it's so funny
00:06:35well you're carrying on the legacy but
00:06:37then at noon she had me do a shoot with
00:06:39Josh Ryan who's a great Fatah
00:06:42for his website photos and yeah next
00:06:45week your mom books me for you to shoot
00:06:47and I was so nervous because doing photo
00:06:49shoots in Playboy or for Josh Ryan for
00:06:51agency photos is very different than
00:06:53like spreading my [ __ ] and there was no
00:06:56one else who could have done
00:06:57a better job than you yeah by far I
00:07:00remember sitting in your mom I was super
00:07:02nervous I remember sitting in the makeup
00:07:04chair and Peggy was doing my makeup and
00:07:06I was like oh my god my the thoughts
00:07:08running through your head you don't know
00:07:10what to prepare for
00:07:12yeah and I remember being so nervous
00:07:13about getting on set showing my [ __ ]
00:07:15and having like everyone on set
00:07:17including you like judging and thinking
00:07:19that I'm like oh really pulling your
00:07:21[ __ ] out yeah exactly that's exactly
00:07:24what we would be thinking cuz we've
00:07:26never seen that before
00:07:28what is your first time I guess I
00:07:31totally get it
00:07:32and so I'm sitting in the miniature all
00:07:33nervous Peggy's so cute and sweet she
00:07:35was like oh hey you know I have to cover
00:07:38up your freckles I still feel so bad
00:07:39they're so cute and I was like okay that
00:07:41gives me a little bit and then she goes
00:07:42so is there another girl coming or is it
00:07:44just boy girl and I go whoa what easy
00:07:48I'm not having sex with anyone today
00:07:51that's gonna be just me relax lady so
00:07:56nervous I feel like it were you did you
00:07:58go have a GoSee with Stephen Hicks like
00:08:00the same day or right after that or
00:08:02around that time okay cuz I think what
00:08:04happened was and this would always get
00:08:08my mom the best way to get you to get my
00:08:11mom to book you was I heard a say you
00:08:13wrote horses or to say that you're gonna
00:08:15go see Stephen Hicks right afterwards
00:08:18she would book you like on the spot
00:08:20because she was so competitive
00:08:22especially with Stephen Hicks that's so
00:08:24funny I don't think I did around that
00:08:26time but I did ride horses yeah I do do
00:08:29hunter/jumper Sarah was I just like
00:08:31dropped that little nugget cuz he knows
00:08:33my mom you might have been like oh well
00:08:35you know Stephen Hicks is also
00:08:36interested in seeing her mama would have
00:08:37been like oh what no she's gonna shoot
00:08:40me right away like we're gonna get that
00:08:42[ __ ] first yeah god she was so like
00:08:44that was very funny I actually I brought
00:08:47up your mom but we'll get into that at
00:08:49the end it sanitize into what we'll get
00:08:51inside Iran but I did want to say you
00:08:53know I was nervous about getting into
00:08:55the industry and wasn't sure how I was
00:08:57going to feel about getting naked in
00:08:59front of stray people so what I did with
00:09:01Ellie direct and Derek is I came to him
00:09:04saying look I've done playboy I would
00:09:06like to do some more in the back of my
00:09:08head I always kind of saw myself as a
00:09:10girl girl
00:09:11that was kind of like if this goes well
00:09:13I could see myself doing that and
00:09:15pursuing it I had two jobs bartending
00:09:17and waitressing and I was getting like
00:09:19eight shifts a week so I told Derek I'll
00:09:21give you two days a week I lived in Long
00:09:23Beach
00:09:23you know like still live in Beach bone
00:09:26life but I thought that coming up to LA
00:09:29wouldn't be a problem two days a week
00:09:30right so I started to see if I would
00:09:32like it and then I got booked into
00:09:33Penthouse and your mom books me and it
00:09:35was just going so well and I was getting
00:09:38to know people regularly in the industry
00:09:40every Tuesday and Friday so slowly I
00:09:42quit one job wasn't financially
00:09:44dependent on it still but then slowly
00:09:47after like I think it took like four or
00:09:49five months before I finally quit my
00:09:50last job yeah just to make sure that it
00:09:53was something I was going to be able to
00:09:55pursue and not be shot out I think
00:09:57that's super imperative for women that
00:10:00are even considering webcaming or
00:10:02anything like that is try to incorporate
00:10:04it a little bit into your life and
00:10:06taking your time is key even if you see
00:10:09yourself as like a huge boy/girl
00:10:11performer it's so important whether
00:10:14you're ready to do boy-girl for the
00:10:16consequences with that or not to take
00:10:18your time and really try to incorporate
00:10:20it into a life that you've already
00:10:22established for yourself yeah you
00:10:24definitely want to make sure that you
00:10:26don't end up doing something that you
00:10:27regret because you can't take it back
00:10:28exactly it's on the internet and I think
00:10:31for you you know knowing that you
00:10:33weren't gonna you still never done
00:10:34boy-girl right yeah I think it would
00:10:36work for me which is which is great and
00:10:38which is fair but a lot of girls can't
00:10:40hold on to just being girl girl
00:10:41performers for as career as long as you
00:10:43have I mean you've done an incredible
00:10:45job like you know I was thinking about
00:10:47like there's very few girls who have
00:10:49stuck to only doing girl girl and have
00:10:51been able to be successful at it like
00:10:53you George Jones Janis ateva
00:10:56like there's a small button Vanessa
00:10:58veracruz like there's a small pool of
00:11:01you guys but that's great you know that
00:11:04you were able to continue to do what
00:11:06you're comfortable with and still make a
00:11:08living at it and also to when you
00:11:10started things were different there was
00:11:12no like social media wasn't the Beast
00:11:15that it is now there wasn't a private
00:11:17snapchat there wasn't only fans there
00:11:19wasn't like all camming wasn't a big
00:11:22thing there wasn't no
00:11:23taboos yeah be like oh you're a model
00:11:26from LA why are you getting in it was
00:11:28kind of a weird stigma but then it was
00:11:30it went away pretty quickly yeah so you
00:11:32weren't able to like be as independent
00:11:34as you can be now so things were very
00:11:38true when you started you had to be
00:11:40really careful yeah I really I really
00:11:42hustled and made sure that the producers
00:11:44and agents that would book were
00:11:45constantly aware of my dates and like
00:11:48you know I send Christmas cards and do
00:11:50all the things that like a freelance
00:11:52business owner would do right so but I
00:11:55also talked to my parents that was the
00:11:57most important thing cuz we're really
00:11:58close and they were together the whole
00:12:00time I was growing up they didn't split
00:12:01til they were empty nesters like very
00:12:04recently so they were like just follow
00:12:06your heart but also know that everything
00:12:09you do is gonna be permanent so way that
00:12:11decision carefully and with boys like
00:12:13I've never been promiscuous with men
00:12:15I've had casual sex before it's not for
00:12:19me especially now that I'm in this
00:12:20industry oh my god talking about being
00:12:22like a [ __ ] nothing more than a
00:12:24trophy you know it's like it works for
00:12:27me it works for me to just do girl girl
00:12:29and like yeah thank you for mr. Boies I
00:12:31always said if I took a boy girl seemed
00:12:33and he like got up to leave before he
00:12:36said goodbye I would just be like stay
00:12:39here love me for five minutes or at
00:12:41least pretend to I need to be cuddled
00:12:44what do you mean you're not gonna take
00:12:45me out to dinner
00:12:49yeah not equipped and I'm like I have
00:12:52like a shallow vagina so I would be like
00:12:54I remember who is that Derek Pierce was
00:12:57like oh god you'd be one of those no
00:12:59doggy girls here I have some other ideas
00:13:02about how we can do this where the dick
00:13:04isn't all the way in me terrible thing
00:13:10huh I believe I what I've learned in
00:13:13porn is that some more petite the girl
00:13:15the bigger dick she can take yes and the
00:13:19taller girls all of them are kind of
00:13:21shallow the shallow vaginas interesting
00:13:23yeah huh even Jayden James she was all
00:13:26about the interracial but she was like I
00:13:28can't take the whole thing she I was
00:13:32like how is jenna haze taking like
00:13:34mandingo in the ass and like you see
00:13:36somebody's girl
00:13:37the way that they can stretch their
00:13:38holes out I don't know Alex oh my very
00:13:40impressive it's a gift but it is natural
00:13:42good it is a gift
00:13:44either have it or you don't it's you
00:13:46have the ability to have casual sex
00:13:48without emotions or you don't yeah you
00:13:51know not one's better than the other
00:13:52right at all yeah everybody's different
00:13:54hmm definitely so so you did your first
00:13:58shoot with us oh yeah and that was
00:14:00amazing those pictures are still like so
00:14:02great I did the photos of you and that
00:14:05red Jeep that was was someone's Jeep it
00:14:09was like a friend's Jeep or like a
00:14:10neighbor's jeepers someone's rolling
00:14:12around with a jeep from like a while a
00:14:14few years back with my sweat and
00:14:16probably some makeup smeared all over it
00:14:19that's all right treasured that they
00:14:21saved it and then you and then where'd
00:14:25you go from there like how did your
00:14:26career kind of go from there what do you
00:14:28how long has it been actually it's been
00:14:30a while yeah how long has it been a big
00:14:32mystery eight or nine years permanent
00:14:34solid okay yeah but I started feature
00:14:37dancing when I got the Penthouse Pet
00:14:40title and that was like I loved it I
00:14:42loved it so much what do you love about
00:14:44featured in I love the travel I love
00:14:46that I kind of get to be in my own world
00:14:47for a hotel for a few days but I also
00:14:49love all that goes into it you're really
00:14:51it's sort of like how women enjoy the
00:14:54snapchat and the only fans in taking
00:14:57control I you put a whole show together
00:14:59you have to entertain people yeah and
00:15:01you have to kind of it takes a certain
00:15:03type of intelligence to navigate this
00:15:05industry yeah
00:15:06but especially different facets of it
00:15:08now you break down because charming
00:15:11people in the feature dance industry is
00:15:13different than charming people then
00:15:14building a good rapport with people in
00:15:16porn mm-hmm you know shooting is
00:15:18different than being on the road and
00:15:20dealing with club managers club owners
00:15:23yeah girls that work in the club and the
00:15:25customers that work in the club right so
00:15:27on top of being able to you have to be a
00:15:28good performer right and a good showgirl
00:15:31but you also have to know how to
00:15:33navigate being exhausted off you know
00:15:37cuz you have a 6:00 a.m. flight and I
00:15:39always make sure that no matter how
00:15:40tired or like kind of like in a bad mood
00:15:43I get off the plane I forced myself to
00:15:46whoever the driver is if he's just a
00:15:47nobody sit like if he's just a cashier
00:15:50at the club
00:15:51having him pick me up at the airport or
00:15:52the owner I make sure to look them in
00:15:55the eye shake their hand be like how's
00:15:56it going thank you so much for picking
00:15:58me up and having me
00:15:59I'm really happy to be here and that
00:16:01sets the tone for the weekend
00:16:03it always does because they're kind of
00:16:05you got to understand when you come to a
00:16:06different town and they've been looking
00:16:08at your poster and seeing your
00:16:09advertisements all over they can't wait
00:16:12to see what you're about 30 and I hate
00:16:14you or love you you got to make that
00:16:16make that impression for yourself yeah
00:16:19you nobody's gonna help you out with
00:16:20that
00:16:21yeah you can be cranky and you still
00:16:23have to make a good impression on
00:16:24everyone especially the girls they're
00:16:25waiting to see if you suck if you're a
00:16:27[ __ ] that's but you gotta like I like
00:16:31playing it up and it puts me in a good
00:16:32mood and it sets the tone - just like
00:16:34smile at everyone in the club even if
00:16:36they're not smiling back and then rarely
00:16:40do I get like any kind of bitterness
00:16:41from a club experience it's been really
00:16:44fun well you always you've always liked
00:16:46honestly you're always so gracious and
00:16:50you're always in a great mood and you're
00:16:52always grateful and you're just like you
00:16:54have a really positive vibe and energy
00:16:56about you always I've never seen you in
00:16:59been like ooh what's wrong you know what
00:17:01I mean like stuff you're all you're just
00:17:02one of those kinds of people and I think
00:17:04people really gravitate towards that
00:17:06yeah I think so too I get a lot of
00:17:08rebooking you know what I mean and that
00:17:10means a lot to me but I am I'm super
00:17:13positive but being positive doesn't mean
00:17:14that you don't have bad days it just
00:17:16means that you know better ones are
00:17:18coming right and you know how to kind of
00:17:19stop and reset and check yourself and
00:17:22make sure that you're going about this
00:17:24in a way that you're not gonna regret
00:17:26right everything I mean you're with your
00:17:27interactions with people right you know
00:17:29cuz travel is not for everyone yeah you
00:17:33know it's funny because my boyfriend was
00:17:34actually when I told him that you were
00:17:36gonna be on the show he was like man I
00:17:37follow her on you know after he met you
00:17:42at Danny's wedding yeah and he's like I
00:17:44don't know how she does that all she
00:17:46does is travel she must be so exhausted
00:17:49she's in a different state and he was
00:17:52like so impressed by you know how you
00:17:55were able to manage all of that and I
00:17:58was like I'm sure she's got like a
00:17:59system down but yeah I personally
00:18:01couldn't do that like I really like to
00:18:03be in one place you know I like to be
00:18:04home I don't like to I mean I like to
00:18:06travel like for fun but I don't
00:18:08particularly enjoy traveling for work
00:18:10yeah it does a lot out of you and I know
00:18:14I there are definitely girls that
00:18:15consider at home on snapchat and make
00:18:17more money doing that but that's just
00:18:20not where I'm at right now right I enjoy
00:18:22it and eventually of course I'm gonna
00:18:24want to slow down I want to be done with
00:18:25this business before it's done with me
00:18:27yeah done with the business but you know
00:18:31what I mean yeah at least starting to
00:18:32like have a little bit more of a home
00:18:35base business with the pole dance yeah
00:18:38do the only I think that'll be a really
00:18:39good thing for ya so what else is going
00:18:42on in your life so your feature dancing
00:18:44a lot right you're thinking about
00:18:46opening up a pole fitness studio you're
00:18:49living in Vegas my mom was in Arizona my
00:18:53mom brother some there back and forth a
00:18:55lot because they like to watch my dog
00:18:57they really like watching my dog so I'm
00:18:59very fortunate that I have that if I
00:19:02have a Yorkie but I found him at a
00:19:04no-kill Animal Shelter online one time
00:19:06and so he when he was a puppy and he has
00:19:08this full tail and everything so I don't
00:19:10know who the [ __ ] would give up a
00:19:12three-month-old Yorkie and not try to
00:19:14get like 500 bucks out of him yeah so I
00:19:16hit up the shelter I mean I was like
00:19:18what do I got to do to get you guys to
00:19:19not give that dog away I'm coming yeah
00:19:22like I'm coming to get this little dog
00:19:23were there other people that wanted it I
00:19:25guess not I can't believe it
00:19:28yeah even like who doesn't try to get
00:19:31money off of a purebred Yorkie like that
00:19:33he's the best little dog I got so lucky
00:19:35some things are just like super meant to
00:19:37be yeah yeah so yeah so I went to get
00:19:40into my personal life a little bit
00:19:41because I want as positive sex positive
00:19:44as an experience that I've had I
00:19:46definitely at a young age I didn't have
00:19:48sex till I was like 19 actually not that
00:19:50I wasn't comfortable showing my body and
00:19:53Playboy when I was a virgin when you did
00:19:57play um no wasn't a virgin when I did
00:19:59playboy but I hadn't had sex yet when I
00:20:02was taking nude photographs of myself
00:20:04and sending them to Playboy oh isn't
00:20:07that weird like what a weirdo it's like
00:20:10looking back I'm like what a weird child
00:20:11but I think at the time I was just to be
00:20:14honest I was self-aware enough to know
00:20:16that having sex with a dude and the way
00:20:18that do
00:20:18like 19-year old dudes are treating
00:20:20their girls I had a lot of guy friends
00:20:22and that always keeps me from saves me
00:20:25from certain situation yeah yeah yeah
00:20:27but I felt like I wasn't going to be
00:20:29ready to handle the emotions for that so
00:20:32I had my first boyfriend when I was like
00:20:3320 and 22 and then I had my last
00:20:36relationship was when I first got in the
00:20:38industry was someone that was behind the
00:20:40scenes but um so we split up when like
00:20:45probably like eight years ago or nine
00:20:47years ago and that was my last breakup
00:20:49but I've been focused it's so much fun I
00:20:51got the travel in this cases got a
00:20:54workout in between and keep it all like
00:20:56looking good yeah so I've been busy and
00:20:58not really and when you have a
00:20:59supportive family you're very fulfilled
00:21:01you don't feel like you need anybody
00:21:02else's bad fall yes I hear you I also
00:21:06I'm very close to my family and you know
00:21:09I've been single for lengths of time and
00:21:12I didn't feel like you're missing
00:21:14anything I was missing anything anything
00:21:16I kind of enjoyed it because I was able
00:21:18to do whatever I wanted more time to see
00:21:20my friends more time to focus on my
00:21:21career and yeah I know I never felt
00:21:24lonely no I didn't either and so did you
00:21:28did it ever like affect you getting into
00:21:31relationships like what you do no no but
00:21:34I think there's a big difference between
00:21:36working in front of the camera and
00:21:37behind the camera right I find that even
00:21:39for but and I only asked you that
00:21:42because I find a lot of like I have a
00:21:44solid group of guy friends that are in
00:21:46and out of the industry yeah and the
00:21:47ones that are in the industry I think
00:21:50they almost have it as hard as us
00:21:51performers oh no for sure because
00:21:53there's a huge difference between guys
00:21:55and girls like guys have a really hard
00:21:58time because girls innately tend to be
00:22:00like more jealous and more and also to
00:22:02like you know they're usually not as
00:22:06accepting about porn as guys are guys
00:22:09would be like oh you work in the porn
00:22:11industry that's cool like yeah all the
00:22:12reactions I've ever gotten has been like
00:22:14oh that's so cool like dope you know if
00:22:16anything it's almost like the opposite
00:22:18like all introduce me to all the porn
00:22:19stars and do you go to like orgy parties
00:22:21and can I come like not like that at all
00:22:24but we're girls like they ten did not
00:22:26like the idea of their boyfriend being
00:22:28around a bunch of like naked girls all
00:22:29the time
00:22:30I mean who wants to like see their
00:22:32boyfriend off and pack his lunch for him
00:22:34when he's gonna go shove a camera up
00:22:36some beautiful girls ass right right
00:22:38exactly
00:22:39so and I think maybe there's more of a
00:22:41trust issue there but I've never I've
00:22:43never had a problem with it oh my god my
00:22:46current you know boyfriend doesn't is
00:22:48wonderful yeah he's awesome he doesn't
00:22:49care at all I mean obviously he follows
00:22:52me on Instagram he obviously has put
00:22:54together yes what he's doing yeah he's
00:22:57very and he's very secure I mean my
00:22:59ex-husband I think could be a little bit
00:23:03insecure I mean he definitely had
00:23:04nothing against me against what I did
00:23:06for a living and he would even help me
00:23:07out sometimes but um I could see him
00:23:10being sometimes a little bit insecure
00:23:11about the male performers but right my
00:23:14my current man doesn't know he's not
00:23:16well I've also never been with a male
00:23:20performer
00:23:21I don't like have a pattern of yeah
00:23:23talent you ever been with talent before
00:23:25you and I just flirt yeah the boys yeah
00:23:27I think we both come enjoy the flirting
00:23:29yeah I'm a voracious girl by nature but
00:23:31also to like I really want the guys to
00:23:33feel comfortable and to feel you know
00:23:36didn't mean like I'm trying to like hype
00:23:37them up a little bit your your mom was
00:23:39is the best hype man oh yeah industry
00:23:43she loves like cheer playing
00:23:44cheerleaders yeah she would always like
00:23:46whenever she was ready for the guy to
00:23:48come on the scenes big okay paid us
00:23:50that's what she would say and that would
00:23:53mean that the guy she was ready for the
00:23:54guy to come in ready for the penis to
00:23:56come in yeah
00:23:56that's awesome but so that's been about
00:23:59eight like oh [ __ ] it's 2019 now god
00:24:03these years just by I'm enjoying it I'm
00:24:07enjoying it I'm aware that like I need
00:24:08to start like prepping myself for the
00:24:10transition to not performing anymore but
00:24:14I did so I fell in love for the first
00:24:16time over the summer in June it was so
00:24:19nice I mean we met in New York on a
00:24:23podcast okay I might have you edit that
00:24:26out but he was so supportive of my work
00:24:32he was super supportive to the point
00:24:34where he was even writing emails for me
00:24:37helping me compose emails as Jayden Cole
00:24:39and things were going really well I
00:24:41never felt so loved and care
00:24:44for like my guard could not have been
00:24:46more down I could have not I could not
00:24:48have been more open to this and you and
00:24:50you had waited for eight years that's
00:24:52why you probably felt like fine I got it
00:24:56yeah I got obviously I know what I'm
00:24:58doing I've been working like self-loving
00:25:00for so long I'm ready to share a little
00:25:02bit of it was some time yes
00:25:04and so we planned a trip to Costa Rica
00:25:07and November and November was exotica I
00:25:10was supposed to go to his house
00:25:13afterwards so we planned these trips
00:25:15together we'd spend like a week to ten
00:25:16days together and it was just like
00:25:18straight honeymooning and then good did
00:25:21you guys live by is he bicoastal like
00:25:22he's on the other side and so then it
00:25:27was time in October which is pretty
00:25:29quick like to be out looking back no one
00:25:32should really have this much access to
00:25:34your emotions in the short period of
00:25:35time yeah we'll have to earn it
00:25:38yeah you know and it's not easily earned
00:25:40just having like a mostly phone
00:25:42relationship
00:25:43yeah the sense that's what happened with
00:25:45my ex-husband we just yeah it was a long
00:25:48distance
00:25:48yeah England right but I didn't realize
00:25:51that like he wasn't living no we like
00:25:55fell in love over a World Wind trip to
00:25:58Scotland and then and then we had a
00:26:01long-distance relationship for a year
00:26:02and then we got married so that he could
00:26:04move to LA and we could start a
00:26:05relationship and then then then it was
00:26:08then it didn't work once we were
00:26:11actually like living together I mean
00:26:13because then that's when you really get
00:26:14to know somebody definitely yeah
00:26:16definitely anyways go on this is about
00:26:17you not about me oh no it's it's about
00:26:19both of us holiday I think the fans
00:26:21agree but so I went in October he was
00:26:24gonna introduce me to his extended
00:26:26family
00:26:26mm-hmm and so extended family had you
00:26:28already met his non extended parents no
00:26:32just friends okay so he was gonna
00:26:34introduce you whole family yeah he was a
00:26:36little nervous about how to navigate
00:26:37what I do so we like have we in great
00:26:40communication so we were open and honest
00:26:41about how we would feel and to be honest
00:26:43he took I let him take the lead in a lot
00:26:45of aspects of our relationship and I
00:26:47liked that yeah I kind of enjoyed having
00:26:50to take a break from being in control
00:26:52all the time and he is definitely sort
00:26:56of like a masculine
00:26:57like a little overbearing kind of OCD
00:27:00anxiety-ridden kind of guy and I had a
00:27:02really soothing effect on him so I loved
00:27:04that as a woman you want to have like a
00:27:06a nurturing effect on your man and he
00:27:10liked that he was kind of like taking
00:27:11charge in a lot of aspects and you know
00:27:13helping me out with this and helping me
00:27:14out with banking and things like that
00:27:16I'd like to feel that they're useful
00:27:18same with women in different ways that
00:27:21nurturing so it was definitely like I'm
00:27:22not sure how much of that was unhealthy
00:27:24but we went to go meet the family and he
00:27:27was like I don't want to tell them right
00:27:28away are you okay with this like if I
00:27:30just say you're kind of like a stripper
00:27:32playboy something and basically full
00:27:35dance instructor and I was like yeah of
00:27:36course we have to break it to him all at
00:27:38once right so we went and I totally
00:27:40opened my heart and home like they
00:27:43opened their home to me I opened my
00:27:44heart to them we all had a wonderful
00:27:46weekend it was like an engagement party
00:27:48weekend so much fun with their family
00:27:51and then we both went took separate
00:27:53planes home on Monday
00:27:54this is the Monday before Halloween
00:27:55before exotica and we both went home
00:27:58everything was fine I was going to
00:28:00Disneyland on Halloween which I really
00:28:02appreciate him letting me enjoy
00:28:03Disneyland and not dumping me before
00:28:06because he was already he had gotten on
00:28:08the plane Monday and I guess this family
00:28:12member that he had mentioned that we had
00:28:14spent some time with he mentioned to me
00:28:17that she was sexually abusive towards
00:28:19him in his childhood
00:28:20oh and that to me twice okay she googled
00:28:23my first and last real name with the
00:28:25word porn behind it looked up images
00:28:28first only and she did that because she
00:28:30knew that you'd been in Playboy and you
00:28:32danced I'm not sure because otherwise
00:28:35why was like hatch porn to that exactly
00:28:38she said she just felt like I felt like
00:28:40it was weird too but apparently I don't
00:28:43know what I'm talking about he's just
00:28:45like that's not weird I'm like it's
00:28:47weird that someone would like meet
00:28:48someone and then attack but whatever
00:28:50unless she recognized you
00:28:53you wouldn't just randomly meet someone
00:28:55and be like I don't look that person I
00:28:57thought to put porn at the end of it she
00:28:59felt or he told me that she said she had
00:29:02a feeling like something was up
00:29:04something wasn't right and I go yeah you
00:29:06were happy for the back off like a porn
00:29:10star you don't
00:29:11look like a porn star I'm not like I
00:29:13mean I don't know what like what a porn
00:29:14star but you know what I'm saying like
00:29:16you don't have huge inflated lips like
00:29:18what people would assume would be a
00:29:20stereotypical porn star as what I should
00:29:22say you don't like yeah you don't have
00:29:25bleached blond hair yeah I can walk in
00:29:30the grocery store in you look like a
00:29:31normal girl yeah I am a normal girl I
00:29:33live a pretty boy the coolest part about
00:29:35me is that I do porn yeah yeah that's
00:29:38the coolest most exciting interesting
00:29:39fired about yeah that makes no sense
00:29:42so was like it was weird I know that
00:29:44like the brothers already knew because
00:29:46he kind of told me that he was kind of
00:29:48like told me about them in the beginning
00:29:49yeah I thought everybody else kind of
00:29:51knew they were just keeping it from like
00:29:53this other family member and so he
00:29:56freaked out of course understandably and
00:29:59then he was like I need to talk to you
00:30:01and this was November 1st when at 6 a.m.
00:30:05I woke up because I had a noon flight to
00:30:07go to New Jersey for exotica I was gonna
00:30:09go stay with him for a week afterwards
00:30:11so I was planning this whole week to I
00:30:14had my flight didn't leave for a week
00:30:16from New York okay I asked you just real
00:30:18quick before you go on what did she find
00:30:20on you and she told you so she googled
00:30:22my first and last real name with the
00:30:24word porn behind it and she Google Image
00:30:26Search tit okay and what happens is
00:30:28there's that anti porn site that came
00:30:31out in like 2011 do you yeah I honestly
00:30:36I thought there would be more of this
00:30:37this is one of the things that I weighed
00:30:39carefully before I got in the industry
00:30:41was like there's going to be anti porn
00:30:43websites that are gonna try to exploit
00:30:45every little aspect of you but if the
00:30:47worst thing I'm doing is like a bondage
00:30:49scene I'm comfortable with that yeah you
00:30:51know what I mean so she thought so the
00:30:52first picture you see is like the
00:30:54kink.com [ __ ] machines picture and I
00:31:01honestly I had a great experience yeah
00:31:03know everyone I know who's worked for
00:31:05kink has always had glowing reviews
00:31:08about them said they're really great at
00:31:10respecting boundaries really great at
00:31:12communication and everybody's always had
00:31:14a wonderful time but I mean it's it's
00:31:17some pretty hardcore BDSM and they're
00:31:19very good at making it look like it's
00:31:21really harder yeah
00:31:22yes yes so I hey I can't it's not it's
00:31:26out of my control what you're gonna find
00:31:28if I were looking up my if you're
00:31:30digging yeah you know so but it's also
00:31:32out of my control their reaction I've
00:31:34never been around people or spent time
00:31:36with them and had that and left and had
00:31:39them think like ill like she does porn
00:31:41that's disgusting I've always had them
00:31:43be like oh she does porn how [ __ ]
00:31:45cool is yeah like like it's always been
00:31:47a positive response yeah from my parents
00:31:49friends that have known me since I was
00:31:51three years old they're all just like oh
00:31:53she's happy healthy financially
00:31:54independent not harming herself or
00:31:56others how wonderful that she's so happy
00:31:58and can lead such a healthy life right
00:32:00that's it yeah that's all of my
00:32:03experience has been and I know this
00:32:04isn't true for everyone yeah I don't
00:32:07have a history of like mental illness or
00:32:09trauma either to bring to the table so
00:32:11that I so I couldn't have been less
00:32:13guarded I don't view the world as like
00:32:15oh these people are gonna maybe find
00:32:17something out of a picture I'm not
00:32:19walking around with this paranoia cuz
00:32:21you're comfortable with yourself and
00:32:22what you do it's been a really positive
00:32:24experience and I'm really happy with the
00:32:26life that I've been able to provide for
00:32:28myself right and the freedoms that come
00:32:30along with it right so it's out of my
00:32:31hands all I can control is my reaction
00:32:33they freaked out and the worst part
00:32:35Holly was when he told me that what they
00:32:38said the worst part that I've had a hard
00:32:40time like getting out of my head is when
00:32:43they apparently they were like we don't
00:32:45get it she was the sweetest girl and I
00:32:49was like what yeah like what like sweet
00:32:54girl like horrible people only horrible
00:32:56people do porn get naked yeah you must
00:33:00be if you're important you must be a
00:33:01horrible person you must be damaged you
00:33:03must be crazy
00:33:05you must be on drugs you must be all of
00:33:07these negative things because God forbid
00:33:09a woman would never make a conscious
00:33:11decision to sexually express herself on
00:33:14camera for everybody else to see there
00:33:16must be something wrong with her I mean
00:33:18the men of course you know we don't the
00:33:19men are fine because men can make their
00:33:20own decisions and we trust that but
00:33:23women are fragile thing
00:33:26there are always victims of circumstance
00:33:29and there's no way that a woman made
00:33:32that own decision of her own volition
00:33:34it's crazy
00:33:36yeah I've never been around people who
00:33:37have had that viewpoint I knew they were
00:33:39kind of like old-school like
00:33:40old-fashioned yeah their girlfriend like
00:33:42they do coke behind their girlfriends
00:33:44backs and get [ __ ] and strip clubs
00:33:45they were all joking about it behind
00:33:47their girlfriends backs but I'm just
00:33:49like yeah whatever typical old school
00:33:50guys yeah I don't know a problem with
00:33:52that yeah you know what I mean you know
00:33:53I was just didn't think anything of it I
00:33:56thought like everybody knows this is
00:33:58fine
00:33:59so apparently they freaked out but that
00:34:02part really got to me I've just never
00:34:04been around people that were just like
00:34:06oh you know I I never expected a website
00:34:13like that or pictures like that to be
00:34:15passed I never expected to fall in love
00:34:17and have my man's family passing around
00:34:19this website as if I should be defined
00:34:21by it
00:34:22yeah after meeting me I've never had
00:34:24people sort of that had that feeling of
00:34:26people looking around out of their
00:34:28phones like you know like what the [ __ ]
00:34:30is this this is shocking and disturbing
00:34:32I'm like but you got to know the real me
00:34:34right like that sweet girl like that is
00:34:37me that is Who I am
00:34:39yeah that's just your job yes and this
00:34:41is her you know and this is like an
00:34:43experience that is just so much bigger
00:34:46because so many so many people in the
00:34:48porn industry
00:34:49deal with this all the time and it's and
00:34:52it's a real shame I I was nervous to
00:34:54open up to because you know I had to go
00:34:56to exotica I had to go get my nails to
00:34:58go to the gym and he'd broke up with me
00:35:00it was like I can't do this anymore
00:35:01while you're active than porn the trip
00:35:04is canceled you can't come here I'll get
00:35:08you your money back for the flights to
00:35:09Costa Rica like this I can't do this and
00:35:12clearly his decision about this was
00:35:14based on his family's reaction because
00:35:17he already knew it's not like you lied
00:35:18to him he knew exactly what you did for
00:35:19a living I always made sure that I knew
00:35:21that I was nothing but support like
00:35:23loving and honest with him he was like
00:35:25this is not your fault I wasn't honest
00:35:27with you I wasn't honest with myself
00:35:28there was a combination of factors I
00:35:30believe transference being the main one
00:35:32yeah
00:35:33but also like the fact that I think he
00:35:35was a little emasculated by where I'm at
00:35:37in life he wasn't exactly
00:35:39he wanted to be financially or
00:35:40career-wise that combined with like past
00:35:43traumas that now I understand that
00:35:45normally Earth at times female
00:35:48performers in the industry have had a
00:35:50past of trauma and I'm not like
00:35:52discounting that right I haven't I'm in
00:35:55the adult industry and this was my
00:35:57experience dealing with someone that hat
00:35:59outside the industry that had past
00:36:01trauma and actual abuse or whatever
00:36:03right which is crazy because you know
00:36:05when you make the assumption that all
00:36:07women in the adult industry are abused
00:36:09or have a history of that you're not
00:36:11really offending us you're what you're
00:36:13doing is sort of making all women who
00:36:15have who are not in the industry who've
00:36:18never taken their clothes off for money
00:36:19right feel like the world is looking at
00:36:22them like they're some kind of [ __ ]
00:36:23yeah it's degrading to women who aren't
00:36:26in the industry to assume that all women
00:36:29in the industry have been abused right
00:36:31well there's I mean the fact is there's
00:36:34a lot of women in general who's been
00:36:37abused but if you decide to then enter
00:36:40the sex industry after that you know
00:36:42that's gotta be some kind of negative
00:36:45reflection on your past
00:36:47not without 100% I mean I'm not a
00:36:50psychologist and right there are so many
00:36:52people that will argue absolutely both
00:36:54sides but I think that you know we're
00:36:57starting to see now that women
00:36:59especially have more of a voice in the
00:37:02adult industry and outside of the adult
00:37:03industry I'm hoping that people are
00:37:05starting to accept the fact that you
00:37:08know all different kinds of women can
00:37:11come into the sex industry and make the
00:37:13choice to be in the sex industry for all
00:37:14different kinds of reasons and it
00:37:17doesn't have to be because it was your
00:37:19only option you were yeah you don't know
00:37:21well what else to do with your life and
00:37:24that certainly happens right there's
00:37:26certainly women that fall into that
00:37:27category but that doesn't mean that
00:37:30there aren't plenty of women who don't
00:37:32fall into that category and there's also
00:37:33a woman that I've spoken to who have had
00:37:35a traumatic past who've actually porn
00:37:38has helped them become independent and
00:37:42they've learned to like heal through
00:37:45their time in the adult industry it's
00:37:48been a safe place for them to express
00:37:49themselves to rediscover who they are
00:37:52sexually
00:37:53- to find themselves so like everybody
00:37:55can have a different experience okay
00:37:57industry if you do if you go about it
00:37:59the right way financially you can afford
00:38:00yoga therapy and Whole Foods diet I know
00:38:04for me I was just like [ __ ] yeah dude I
00:38:06can afford to eat at Whole Foods every
00:38:07week now like I'm so excited to be like
00:38:11eating organic know this was like a
00:38:13textbook case of projection because also
00:38:16he had told me in the past he had had
00:38:18relationships with women that caught him
00:38:22watching porn and we're like horrified
00:38:24and disgusted that he was watching porn
00:38:26yeah so he has a lot of shame associated
00:38:29with sexuality and porn in general and
00:38:33obviously this family does too I mean
00:38:35what this all boils down to is shame
00:38:38based around rejection and the thing is
00:38:40is that no one can shame you but you of
00:38:42course I was betrayed humiliated that
00:38:45and hurt as hell but it was like two
00:38:48separate traumas I was kind of
00:38:50experiencing because I went from my best
00:38:52friends I was the one yeah in three days
00:38:55later he became a monster that just
00:38:57flipped my whole world upside down in a
00:38:59really harsh way yeah did you know this
00:39:01was when in November before exotica and
00:39:05uhm we've emailed he was really hard on
00:39:09me the first few weeks he was definitely
00:39:12trying to block me out and I was trying
00:39:13to get a better understanding trying to
00:39:15piece it all together he was being nasty
00:39:18he was like you go back to that world
00:39:20that you love so much my family's not
00:39:23didn't do anything wrong they didn't do
00:39:24anything that anybody that cared about
00:39:25me wouldn't do and Google my girlfriend
00:39:27saying I was just like because such a
00:39:30180 from where he was at before his
00:39:33family found out like it's again it's
00:39:36like he's acting like you lied to him
00:39:38and he found out she did but then also
00:39:42constantly reminding me even in those
00:39:44nasty emails at the end he'd be like I'm
00:39:46sorry I didn't handle this correctly you
00:39:48were nothing but supportive and loving
00:39:50it's just not this is this is just
00:39:52grosses me out and offering I was like
00:39:54and then he started posting pictures
00:39:56with him having fun with other women on
00:39:58his Instagram just to like twist the
00:40:01knife that was already established
00:40:05no but anyway he was doing that and I
00:40:09remember in our final email he really
00:40:11apologized and took accountability but
00:40:13even in that email he was like I don't
00:40:16want to see your porn posts any more
00:40:18than you want to see me taking having
00:40:19fun with other women I go that would be
00:40:22as if throughout our relationship I was
00:40:24encouraging you to post pictures with
00:40:26other women even in our last trip to see
00:40:29his family he was like go over there and
00:40:31take your pictures for your website it's
00:40:32perfect this lighting is perfect he was
00:40:35helping me out and encouraging me every
00:40:37way I would also like to point out the
00:40:39fact that you pointing posting your porn
00:40:41posts is work okay this is your career
00:40:45this is your work which you established
00:40:48and he knew you were doing him posting
00:40:51pictures of himself having fun with
00:40:52other girls as his deliberate attempt to
00:40:55make you feel bad they're two entirely
00:40:57different things
00:40:57subconsciously I think so yeah oh I know
00:41:00I know it was just holding look look
00:41:02we've all done it I've done that too or
00:41:04I broken up with a guy and I'm like oh
00:41:06really and then all like post pictures
00:41:08like right we all do it that
00:41:09passive-aggressive thing like it's so
00:41:12clear yeah it's so clear that that's
00:41:14what he's doing
00:41:15yeah and then they're like I remember
00:41:17him having saying like in one of the
00:41:19nasty emails he was like how do you
00:41:21think it felt when my brother's looked
00:41:22you up looked up their older brother's
00:41:24girlfriend and she's advertising her
00:41:26rubber vagina like that rubber vagina is
00:41:35a [ __ ] honor you know like what kind
00:41:38of status you have to reach in this
00:41:40industry to have a major effect I don't
00:41:43even think how many other only girl
00:41:45performers have like a real legit from
00:41:48flesh later pornstar circle when the
00:41:49main stroker company's yeah that's the
00:41:52equivalent of an NBA player getting his
00:41:54own shoe line not everybody gets that
00:41:57[ __ ] I'm [ __ ] proud of the rubber
00:42:02vagina I'm sorry I'm proud of it I'm
00:42:05proud of the Paycheck site like come on
00:42:07they're business people you don't
00:42:08understand this it was like just an
00:42:10aspect and then also this is the other
00:42:13ironic thing now I know he's trouble and
00:42:15you know it made me feel good as a woman
00:42:17to be like the nurturing calm effect so
00:42:19I'm sure this played into it but he was
00:42:21like I respect he [ __ ] on my whole life
00:42:25and everybody in it he was like you are
00:42:27being in a damaging toxic environment at
00:42:31work and like everybody that's
00:42:33supporting you it's just exploiting you
00:42:35I don't want to support anyone who's a
00:42:36part of the exploitation of women I
00:42:38respect all women I was raised by women
00:42:40I love women that may be true on the
00:42:43surface but here's an interesting point
00:42:45when we first were discussing our first
00:42:48trip together yeah and we were gonna
00:42:49hook up I made him wear condoms yeah a
00:42:53second trip you know we're talking every
00:42:55day we're getting to know each other and
00:42:56trusting it a little bit more and so he
00:42:58expressed his desire to not use condoms
00:43:01and I'm like all right well we gotta go
00:43:03I'm gonna send you to the talent testing
00:43:06draw stations yeah I can get on board
00:43:08with like our testing procedures that I
00:43:10trust so much right and so he got tested
00:43:13and he was like I have been I have been
00:43:17vaccinated for HPV like all the nine
00:43:20major ones and I have been since it
00:43:22first came out right and I got tested
00:43:24like once a year my guy don't just does
00:43:26the HPV test just because I'm hella
00:43:28paranoid about it because it can cause
00:43:30cervical cancer in women which is a slow
00:43:32and painful death right he has one of
00:43:35them fight one of the HPV strains that
00:43:37causes cervical cancer in women so he
00:43:39was we're talking about this and he goes
00:43:41man I'm so into you if it were any other
00:43:44girl I would be like just take the dick
00:43:46or don't now respecting all women to me
00:43:52is not exposing them carelessly to the
00:43:57virus that causes cervical cancer but
00:43:59his idea of respect is as long as
00:44:01they're doing what he thinks is okay and
00:44:05it right up to ball wow that's crazy
00:44:08I know it's so sad that I fell for
00:44:10someone like that like I was so stupid
00:44:12and the reason when I went to exotica
00:44:14yeah I had to be open with people in the
00:44:16industry because I mean I can't fake a
00:44:19smile all weekend
00:44:20I can't while I'm on the floor and I
00:44:22need to honor my commitments and I'm
00:44:24totally like capable of that right so
00:44:27when I was telling people outside the
00:44:28industry
00:44:29I remember Lisa and did and I did a
00:44:32panel and
00:44:33to the panel she's like you staying with
00:44:34your dude for the next few days in New
00:44:36York after this I'll go he just broke up
00:44:38with me I don't really have a place to
00:44:41stay in New York for the next few days
00:44:42what are you gonna do I'm like haven't
00:44:44figured that out yet
00:44:44I'm just trying to get through the next
00:44:46few hours yeah I'll take it
00:44:48one moment at a time yeah but you know
00:44:50Danny Daniels and her husband yeah
00:44:52really good care of me everyone was so
00:44:54wonderful I was scared to open up about
00:44:56it because for any reason any one's
00:44:59scared to open up about anything you're
00:45:00afraid that people aren't gonna grasp
00:45:02the depth of how much this is affecting
00:45:05me yeah and like how traumatic this is
00:45:07course so opening up Oh everyone was
00:45:11showed me nothing but compassion and
00:45:13love and support like true support and
00:45:15they all kind of had their own version
00:45:17of this story
00:45:17to be honest yeah but then yeah they
00:45:21just all had their own version of the
00:45:23story I was really open and everyone was
00:45:24supportive however November went by he
00:45:27was the email exchange was brutal I was
00:45:30just being trying to be like I don't
00:45:31think it's unreasonable my point was
00:45:33just I love you that doesn't just go
00:45:35away I don't think it's unreasonable for
00:45:37me to have wanted this to go differently
00:45:39yeah like it was your family I was gonna
00:45:42go well I didn't want to lie but like do
00:45:44I want to get sexually harassed and a
00:45:46new bird no so sometimes I lie about it
00:45:48before I get to know someone yeah so I
00:45:50understood and I was gonna support
00:45:52whatever he wanted to do because it's
00:45:53not my family
00:45:54it's my family figured that he would
00:45:56know handle Erica right he was handling
00:45:59I let him take the lead in a lot and I
00:46:00wish I should I should have pushed being
00:46:02honest first it's funny cuz my
00:46:04boyfriend's family like sorta knows what
00:46:07I do but not really kind of same thing
00:46:09so like his like when we I first met
00:46:12them I was like and this is always kind
00:46:15of an issue with whoever I dates family
00:46:17I'm like what are we gonna tell him like
00:46:19it's up to you what you want right like
00:46:22because I don't care but like I don't
00:46:23know what your family's like so he's
00:46:25like well I kind of just told your mom
00:46:27that like you shoot for Playboy and blah
00:46:28blah blah that's always at the safe one
00:46:30right safe one and it wasn't untrue so
00:46:35his mom like still thinks that I like
00:46:38work for a play what she doesn't really
00:46:39ask me to be honest right but where's
00:46:42that dad it's looked me up Oh
00:46:45totally knows what I did and it's funny
00:46:49because he's clearly cool with it but
00:46:52he'll bring it up whenever I go and like
00:46:54see that he'll bring it up in some sly
00:46:55kind of like way will he be like like
00:46:58he'll just make some kind of little joke
00:47:01it's like a nudge-nudge wink-wink like I
00:47:03know you do cuz he said something along
00:47:05the lines of I looked you up you have a
00:47:07lot of like followers or something like
00:47:08that like you looked me up huh and he
00:47:10said yeah I like JIP like you know what
00:47:12I do and he's like yeah and I'm like
00:47:13okay and it's just funny cuz he'll like
00:47:16make these little like he jokes yeah and
00:47:18they're like his mom's still kind of
00:47:19like just I think she just like doesn't
00:47:21really want to know like long as I'm
00:47:23good to her son she doesn't care so much
00:47:25but yeah it's kind of funny it's like
00:47:26the same situation they don't I remember
00:47:28like I got the brothers and everybody
00:47:31already knew cuz he was bragging about
00:47:32me back when we first started yeah Pete
00:47:34told me about that so I thought
00:47:36everybody knew it and then when we were
00:47:37at the engagement party somewhat like
00:47:38the fiance's friends were like oh hey
00:47:41I've heard a lot about you and I was
00:47:42kind of like same thing like wank wank
00:47:44all right cool wink wink who cares right
00:47:46yeah that's cool because you guys are
00:47:47just getting to know who I am right
00:47:49doesn't really have anything to do with
00:47:51I also always compare it to a
00:47:53waitressing or bartending yeah when the
00:47:55way that like did you think I would like
00:47:58go up to people and serve them food for
00:48:01free like did you think like I do you
00:48:05think I really care what kind of
00:48:06appetizer you're gonna pick before your
00:48:08meal like that just doesn't happen so
00:48:10for someone to think that I am just this
00:48:13persona like that of the business that I
00:48:15run online it's right sort of strange
00:48:17and interesting to me I I mean you know
00:48:20I'd also like to bring up the fact just
00:48:22going back to what you said earlier
00:48:23about how he said that he he respects
00:48:27all women if he respected all women
00:48:29wouldn't he respect the choices that
00:48:31you've made for yourself a hundred
00:48:33percent here's what I gathered was that
00:48:35he comes from a family of conditional
00:48:37love mmm
00:48:39yeah you know and then and then so a few
00:48:42weeks went by and I was not getting
00:48:44better
00:48:45different traumas were hitting me at
00:48:47different times he's posting pictures
00:48:48with other women I'm like like losing it
00:48:50like not doing better and I'm a healthy
00:48:53person and I want to stay that way
00:48:55so I got a
00:49:00therapist threw someone in the industry
00:49:02that's adult industry friendly hmm and I
00:49:04was like this needs to happen yeah you
00:49:06know what I mean I need a little
00:49:07guidance here because this is just not
00:49:08getting better right so she's like oh
00:49:10you're having like too so it's been
00:49:12great I've been in therapy it's been
00:49:13wonderful there he's amazing I never
00:49:15wanted to or like really needed to
00:49:17really understood like meditation or
00:49:19anything about I was just crying I'm
00:49:21just needs like smoke a joint watching
00:49:22episode Bob's Burgers pretty much cured
00:49:24I mean and so so but the therapist was
00:49:28like no you're having like a normal
00:49:30healthy person's reaction to trauma but
00:49:32you need to like own the trauma so I've
00:49:34spent like I could not have done this
00:49:36podcast in December last month for sure
00:49:39I was not ready I was definitely needed
00:49:41to I needed to heal properly and I think
00:49:44to heal from emotional trauma you need
00:49:46to spend time alone yes definitely yeah
00:49:49and that's gotta be I mean really spend
00:49:52time with yourself enjoy it get to know
00:49:55yourself like all over again because
00:49:56you're not gonna be the same person you
00:49:58were before something like this happened
00:50:00yeah I mean you're gonna have trust
00:50:01issues now I know I'm not I have goals
00:50:05to come out of this heartbreak I have
00:50:07goals that not only am I not gonna like
00:50:09develop any kind of weird trust issues
00:50:12because everybody's different and that
00:50:13comes naturally to me I don't I don't
00:50:16want to close myself off it doesn't feel
00:50:18good to me I'm not gonna keep going that
00:50:20way yeah
00:50:21I will not close myself off my goal is
00:50:23to come out of this like even more
00:50:24compassionate towards people you know
00:50:27and even more loving but have you tried
00:50:30to practice like kind of maybe try no I
00:50:34don't want to say like looking at it
00:50:36from his point of view but trying to
00:50:37have definitely more how he is basically
00:50:41not handling it well
00:50:43and doesn't have the right tools to be
00:50:47basically most definitely a.m. he's been
00:50:50in therapy his whole life and I remember
00:50:52so like when I was having the hardest
00:50:54time I was hitting up the mutual friend
00:50:56of ours that hooked us up chi eV and she
00:50:58was talking to one of his best friends
00:51:00that is like his confidante this guy
00:51:03this friend of his was like telltale
00:51:06Jaden if she wants to talk to me I'll
00:51:07talk to her this guy is a hypocrite he
00:51:10consumes porn I can't believe he's doing
00:51:12this to her
00:51:13like this is ridiculous he's been in
00:51:15therapy his whole life he's financially
00:51:17dependent on his family's opinion I was
00:51:18like whoa that connected a lot of dots
00:51:22I'm so ignorant for not seeing it but I
00:51:26mean but you know I shouldn't gather for
00:51:29all that long and you didn't live even
00:51:32on the same host host I know how could I
00:51:35have really put that together
00:51:36exactly I really couldn't know so and I
00:51:38was like I don't need to talk to one of
00:51:40his friends just yeah hear this
00:51:41information I got the message I just got
00:51:43to work on myself and just sort of spend
00:51:46that time to myself
00:51:47the therapy's helping also I experiment
00:51:51I stopped smoking weed when I moved to
00:51:53Vegas last summer basically like almost
00:51:56completely not not out of any even
00:51:58trying I just happened to not go I mean
00:52:00the weed stores are everywhere in Vegas
00:52:02the parking lots are so much more
00:52:04pleasant to navigate them they were here
00:52:06in LA I don't know how I'm not smoking
00:52:09weed enough in Vegas but you know I'm
00:52:11obsessed with my new house it's the
00:52:12first time I'm a first-time homeowners
00:52:14yes like you know I have other things
00:52:15that keep me busy and fulfilled so the
00:52:19weed just kind of fell by the wayside
00:52:20however during this time I have
00:52:23experimented with with mushrooms for fun
00:52:27I've heard that people have said that
00:52:29that can be a very healing therapy it is
00:52:33you know shrooms will open up I believe
00:52:37your pineal gland in some way and so it
00:52:39will open you're gonna face emotions
00:52:41that are could be buried deep so if you
00:52:44have deep unresolved trauma you're good
00:52:46that's gonna come to the surface and
00:52:48you're gonna be faced with them because
00:52:50you know when you brush it under the rug
00:52:51like he did throughout our relationship
00:52:54it doesn't go away it's actually
00:52:57downstairs in the basement of your soul
00:52:59doing push-ups getting ready to come
00:53:02kick your ass yeah when you least expect
00:53:04it yeah and so I try not to brush
00:53:07anything under the rug so I had to face
00:53:09it emotionally like healing be by
00:53:11yourself so I've had fun with shrooms in
00:53:14fact our buddy Ryan Keely and I we went
00:53:16downtown LA you know the spa the Korean
00:53:19spa oh yeah the one with the lights and
00:53:21the co-ed area and the like foam drinks
00:53:23I've only been to the one that's not
00:53:25co-ed Oh
00:53:26I got to try the KOA and want a soulful
00:53:28maybe it was just the shrooms but we had
00:53:30a great time it was so much fun she's so
00:53:33fun
00:53:34she is Ryan Keely is amazing I love her
00:53:36but for this particular situation like I
00:53:39had like a couple Sundays offer I would
00:53:40just take them to myself and like
00:53:42microdose and not even microdose
00:53:44sometimes I just do a full dose yeah
00:53:46sometimes I intended to micro doesn't it
00:53:48ended up miscalculating into a focus but
00:53:51it did it really made me face it and
00:53:53sort of immediately made me realize like
00:53:55hey like I'm full of unconditional love
00:53:57to be able to give the kind of pure
00:53:59unconditional love is a beautiful thing
00:54:02and I'm capable of turning it back
00:54:04around on myself and just remembering
00:54:06how much I enjoyed just being alone
00:54:08before this bozo came into the picture
00:54:11yeah well I feel like this experience
00:54:14was another example of like what an
00:54:17incredibly whole wonderful human being
00:54:19you are and the way that your you're
00:54:21dealing with all of this is really
00:54:22admirable and very healthy yeah I want
00:54:26to come like my said my goal is to be a
00:54:28healthier happier individual more
00:54:30compassionate more understanding less
00:54:33frustrated using it as like a positive
00:54:35building block for your life like you're
00:54:36learning from it and you're using it to
00:54:39kind of maybe deal with some other
00:54:41issues that you hadn't looked at before
00:54:44and that's that's an incredible that's
00:54:46incredible I wish I wish I dealt with
00:54:48[ __ ] that way yeah definitely that's my
00:54:52goal and that's the benefit of spending
00:54:54time alone for years and not rushing
00:54:57into dating or relationships or anything
00:54:59like that and really just kind of
00:55:00waiting for something that could destroy
00:55:04you because that's the only way you do
00:55:07grow I'm never gonna be the same person
00:55:08that I was before this trauma before I
00:55:11felt like people were you know pointing
00:55:13and whispering after getting to know me
00:55:15but like that's what you got to do with
00:55:17it
00:55:17yeah that's why that's the ups and downs
00:55:19of life but the psychedelics definitely
00:55:21help in fact I did a podcast with a
00:55:23former WWE Superstar Ryback Reeves
00:55:26recently which was great I got to talk
00:55:28to little bit about this but it was with
00:55:29guys so it's a little bit of a different
00:55:31perspective right which is great
00:55:33I like all perspectives I'm open to
00:55:36constructive criticism always so I feel
00:55:39like it helps me
00:55:40and I feel like we shouldn't hide it
00:55:42from each other make it ever be
00:55:43uncomfortable with constructive
00:55:44criticism yes and so it was great to
00:55:47talk to these guys about it but I
00:55:49remember bringing up my favorite episode
00:55:52of Holly Rendell unfiltered was the
00:55:54first episode with your parents yes
00:55:55they're just my favorite one - really
00:55:57it's a great interview and your mom was
00:56:00discussing micro dosing yeah my parents
00:56:03at micro dosing before like it was cool
00:56:04anyway or anyone yeah
00:56:07before the Silicon Valley even existed
00:56:09yeah before it was a thing before I was
00:56:10even called micro dosing
00:56:12I mean it's fascinating how you can be
00:56:15it can sober you up you know I was
00:56:17having fun in New Orleans during
00:56:19Halloween last year with some pretty
00:56:22conservative friends who just like drink
00:56:23wine and they were kind of like oh
00:56:25you're bringing your weed pin because I
00:56:26was like no big deal I'll just put it
00:56:28it's not a big deal I'll put it away
00:56:29it's not but they were like okay so
00:56:31she's doing the shrooms I'm like it's
00:56:33Friday night on Halloween weekend in New
00:56:35Orleans of course I am
00:56:36yeah so I took a little bit I had made
00:56:39these chocolates for myself and I took a
00:56:40couple and they didn't do anything like
00:56:43an hour and 15 minutes later I was
00:56:44drinking wine and I'm like I can't even
00:56:46get a buzz off of this [ __ ] pinot
00:56:48noir like yeah and then I was like can
00:56:52we maybe maybe I'll go back to the hotel
00:56:54and get another and they were kind of
00:56:55conservatives they were like hmm we
00:56:56don't really want you to do that I was
00:56:58like that's fine no big deal I'll just
00:57:01see that a Tiki which is my favorite
00:57:02late-night restaurant in New Orleans
00:57:04there's this great Mediterranean
00:57:06restaurant in New Orleans that's open
00:57:08super late which I really want to go you
00:57:11know everyone tells me I would love it
00:57:13the first time I went there was a week
00:57:15where I was kind of feeling like I'm my
00:57:17beginning sick so I took it easy did the
00:57:19daytime activities say it's like didn't
00:57:21drink so as someone who doesn't drink
00:57:24you're gonna have just a great time
00:57:26there yeah seeing the sights in the
00:57:27history yeah yeah that's what I'm
00:57:29interested in yeah yeah not the nothing
00:57:31oh god yes yes so you have the mushrooms
00:57:36of between the shrooms and like the
00:57:40working on myself and the therapy it's
00:57:42been a really positive turn around for
00:57:44me so you've really like taken this and
00:57:46turned it into like a positive learning
00:57:48experience have - yeah and nothing heals
00:57:51emotional wounds like helping others
00:57:54so in February I have like I get so
00:57:57crazy because I can't tell you like how
00:57:59much of what you're saying is literally
00:58:00like exactly what they talk about in
00:58:0212-step programs is it really exactly
00:58:05like exactly and that was one thing like
00:58:08that the 12-step of you know Alcoholics
00:58:11Anonymous is taking you know your your
00:58:14experience your healing and going and
00:58:16helping others oh it helps so much and
00:58:19that let that's what like completes the
00:58:20triangle
00:58:21you know um but yeah there's so many
00:58:23things that you said I'm just like dude
00:58:25I believe I know you're not in the
00:58:27program but you're literally talking and
00:58:29the thing is about the 12 steps that can
00:58:30be applied to anything there's so many
00:58:32like amazing things about it it doesn't
00:58:34have to be about drinking right or drugs
00:58:36or anything like that I'm just about
00:58:37like a really great way to live your
00:58:39life I mean I've never been like a
00:58:41spiritual or even religious or even
00:58:43spiritual person but like over the past
00:58:46couple months I knew that I sort of
00:58:48needed to like do some reading about
00:58:50like how to how to deal with trauma
00:58:53constructively yeah and so that's where
00:58:55it's kind of coming from because I've
00:58:56only had like three therapy sessions
00:59:00therapy is very impressive
00:59:04thank you I think I was always capable
00:59:06of handling trauma in this way yeah is
00:59:08what it boils down yeah but my therapist
00:59:10is also she makes herself available on
00:59:11voxer so that throughout a day if I'm
00:59:14like going through something I can
00:59:16always hit her up and she won't I know
00:59:18it's been wonderful but so a couple
00:59:21years ago in 2012 my best civilian
00:59:25friend since I was like 18 has a
00:59:26daughter she got diagnosed with a really
00:59:29really rare form of cancer her 12 year
00:59:32old was diagnosed with it's called
00:59:35chondrosarcoma x mix oi chondrosarcoma
00:59:39of the soft tissue which is basically a
00:59:41crazy spine cancer and what was crazy it
00:59:46was so she was in the hospital basically
00:59:47lived in the hospital for two years in
00:59:49the Children's Hospital and um
00:59:51God there was only one place in southern
00:59:55all of Southern California that had this
00:59:56specific proton radiation therapy
00:59:59treatment that she needed to do so it
01:00:00started out she was going you know
01:00:02driving almost two hours one way every
01:00:05week to get this proton radiation
01:00:06therapy and I would
01:00:07meet them because no one my family and
01:00:11friends like before I go in the industry
01:00:12no one was really financially stable so
01:00:14that people weren't financially stable I
01:00:16was the only one in their life that had
01:00:19the time the freedom and the money to
01:00:21basically go help them and spend time
01:00:23with them right that took up my whole
01:00:25life so dating was kind of out of the
01:00:27question from 2012 to now because I was
01:00:30sort of reeling from this dealing with
01:00:33it but also being the strong one because
01:00:35my role to them was to come in and sort
01:00:38of help them kind of feel like we were
01:00:40just back to normal and just sitting on
01:00:42the couch like like we're at home while
01:00:44they're in the hospital no one else in
01:00:46their family could take eight hours off
01:00:48of work every Tuesday to go just spend
01:00:50time with them and make them feel normal
01:00:52right
01:00:52so I saw a lot of stuff and when she
01:00:54passed in 2014 we started a like a toy
01:01:00drive for the hospital because all the
01:01:02kids there don't get to see their
01:01:04families a lot of them are low-income
01:01:05families that just don't have the means
01:01:07to provide anything for the holidays
01:01:09right so we would do a toy drive and I
01:01:11know it's taboo to involve an adult
01:01:13industry person with anything to do with
01:01:15kids so I was kind of cautious about it
01:01:23no definitely but I know what you mean
01:01:26like it it is it's like you can't and on
01:01:28one hand like I get the idea you don't
01:01:31want to mix the idea of like sex with
01:01:32children obviously but it's also like
01:01:34we're not monster I mean my friend and
01:01:38her husband they've been together since
01:01:40they were like 15 and they're super huge
01:01:43hippies yeah like all like straight up
01:01:45tells their kids what I do and they
01:01:47don't like their kids aren't gonna go do
01:01:49porn just cuz aunt Meg that's my
01:01:51relevant like yes like they are
01:01:53interested yeah what I do isn't cool no
01:01:56matter what we're old people Graham yeah
01:01:58yeah it's weird yeah so it's never been
01:02:01like a problem but um we did start that
01:02:03toy drive and what I would do is just
01:02:05sort of tweet it out and Instagram it in
01:02:06my fans my wonderful fans would go on
01:02:10Amazon and just buy a bunch of toys and
01:02:12have them send it to my PA box and then
01:02:14what we would do is every Chris day
01:02:16before Christmas Eve we would just drop
01:02:17off the the kids gifts in the big room
01:02:20and separate them by
01:02:21age group so that they could just come
01:02:23in with their parents at their leisure
01:02:24on Christmas Day and pick whatever they
01:02:26want now the last couple years to be
01:02:30honest the families just like we don't
01:02:31want to do it again we want we're ready
01:02:33to start making new memories we don't
01:02:35want every Christmas to just be about
01:02:37our lost child and cancer I understand
01:02:39and you know the first couple years I
01:02:40encouraged her to go to the old wing
01:02:42that we spent so much time at and it was
01:02:45really hard so I could see how they're
01:02:47just ready to move on right so but and I
01:02:49totally respect that so I'm starting to
01:02:52in February I have a gig in Louisville
01:02:54Kentucky and they have something out
01:02:57there called the Shamrock foundation
01:02:59which is basically pairing like
01:03:00abandoned animals to good homes and so
01:03:03I'm gonna take February it's Valentine's
01:03:06Day weekend so you gotta come show me
01:03:07some love Kentucky but Valentine's Day
01:03:09weekend I'm gonna take half my tips from
01:03:11whichever shall I make more off of on
01:03:13Friday and Saturday night and I'm gonna
01:03:15donate it to the Shamrock foundation in
01:03:17the ASPCA out there right and the club
01:03:19owner is so on board with this that
01:03:21helps and I have a manager too that
01:03:23helps me manage like different websites
01:03:25and this kind of stuff so that's what
01:03:27we're working towards is getting like a
01:03:29more regular thing like this going right
01:03:31because I never even my tips are sort of
01:03:34like like a cash savings like you know
01:03:38what I mean anyway right I might as well
01:03:40give back to the community so now you
01:03:45are living in Vegas yes what is that
01:03:49like for you compared to LA cuz I gotta
01:03:50say like I have a very my opinion of
01:03:53Vegas I don't know I whenever I go I
01:03:55only go for like the AVN show and I only
01:03:57like stay on the shame and if I can hate
01:03:59it that was my experience to it
01:04:00disgusting yes like first of all you
01:04:02make me drive through a meth lab he'll
01:04:04have eyes for three hours
01:04:05you know what's gonna what good could
01:04:07possibly come out of a place that was
01:04:09basically built for the mobs to dump
01:04:11bodies that right you know right it's
01:04:13just I thought it was so trashy but over
01:04:15the past year I started webcaming with
01:04:18girls that lived in Vegas and I was like
01:04:19oh this isn't a bad life there's more to
01:04:22you know it's not just so you were in
01:04:2424-hour video poker and gas stations
01:04:26you're introduced to a different part of
01:04:28Vegas by going out to Vegas and then
01:04:30working with other girls at their homes
01:04:32and so you saw how other people lived in
01:04:34Vegas
01:04:35like the people live on the strip
01:04:36exactly instead of just going in to
01:04:38shoot or to staying on the strip and
01:04:39writing like the hole right yeah and EDI
01:04:43Awards those were always really fun to
01:04:46me but yeah doing so I did some
01:04:49mushrooms but I really want to do peyote
01:04:51yeah if anyone out there has any kind of
01:04:54about doing ayahuasca okay I there is no
01:04:58level of enlightenment that I need that
01:05:00causes me to be puking and [ __ ] for
01:05:0324 hours I've heard that is what goes on
01:05:07and you're not allowed to be around your
01:05:09friends and like everyone's just on
01:05:11there like I don't need that level of
01:05:13enlightenment too much enlightenment for
01:05:16you like come on like I just wanted a
01:05:18few hours what I heard that like you
01:05:20wear all white and like watch it
01:05:22yourself I was like what okay apparently
01:05:25you don't necessarily [ __ ] yourself but
01:05:26you have to [ __ ] a lot so you could
01:05:31shoot yourself but it's not like
01:05:33everybody's right like like there's
01:05:37toilets and like there's buckets to
01:05:38throw up and but everyone I've spoken to
01:05:40who's done it says it's been an amazing
01:05:42experience but it's not for me either
01:05:44yeah I mean like ayahuasca peyote I
01:05:48heard it fills you with a lot more
01:05:50compassion like and that's always my
01:05:53goal is to just sort of like understand
01:05:55like how fulfilling it is to be a giving
01:05:59person and a taking person and yet just
01:06:01sort of be conscious of other people's
01:06:03comfort level throughout all aspects of
01:06:05life I remember I watched a documentary
01:06:06on on peyote and this Native American
01:06:09shaman set up a tepee and he's like I
01:06:11want to share this with white people
01:06:12like I'm you're not my enemy yeah those
01:06:14I actually had done an experience of
01:06:16peyote right so much I actually found
01:06:18compassion for the Spanish that's what
01:06:22level I'm trying to get to but it
01:06:24definitely doesn't I don't want to be
01:06:26like out for a day or two late to do and
01:06:29like I can take whatever I learned from
01:06:31mushrooms I can take yeah you know with
01:06:34me but ya know biggest to me it was just
01:06:36a different kind of trashy like I'm from
01:06:38the beach in Long Beach in Southern
01:06:40California where it's like a specific
01:06:42type of trashing right that I'm very
01:06:43good like a sublime 90s kind of
01:06:46alternative trashy that really
01:06:48I grew up with and I'm really
01:06:49comfortable with right this is like
01:06:5024-hour Tweaker video poker trashy yeah
01:06:53but but yeah going seeing like how the
01:06:56other women were living in the industry
01:06:58it was like this is like totally great
01:07:01and I want to buy my first house so
01:07:02let's make it happen my mom actually
01:07:04came out Lord knows that we can buy a
01:07:06house in [ __ ] LA my mom actually came
01:07:08out to Vegas for avian she's been with
01:07:11me for a couple of aliens actually
01:07:12because that is the best part of my job
01:07:15right most glamorous she loves it she's
01:07:18single has been for my death since might
01:07:21like my mid-20s so she's enjoys the hell
01:07:24out of it she likes the attention she
01:07:25just thinks it's so cool and fun so the
01:07:28next day our plan was to start looking
01:07:30for a new place and so we closed like in
01:07:32July and then I had a tenant living the
01:07:35tenant stayed there till August it's
01:07:36been wonderful Wow
01:07:38so this is your first home why isn't it
01:07:40yeah like does a grown up now being like
01:07:43a home owner no I kind of feel a little
01:07:45bit more like like my wheels are
01:07:47spinning constantly like this is what I
01:07:49want to do here this is what I want to
01:07:50do here and like I'll admit this guy
01:07:52that I was in the relationship with he
01:07:54helped me put this house together so
01:07:56coming home from the trips like exotica
01:07:59and be coming home to an empty house I
01:08:01don't have anyone to talk to and that
01:08:04was a difficult adjustment and then
01:08:08getting the [ __ ] flight alerts that
01:08:11my flight to Costa Rica was taking off
01:08:13in 24 hours that's heartbreaking
01:08:15that's the worst you're like oh yeah
01:08:18that trip that I got dumped so I can't
01:08:20go on now you need to go to Costa Rica
01:08:24either by yourself and have an amazing
01:08:26time or go like with a friend yeah to
01:08:28like readjust your your experience with
01:08:33Costa Rica because you don't want it to
01:08:34always be associated with like that guy
01:08:36you're that's important because I had a
01:08:38I also had like not that I'm comparing
01:08:41Costa Rica to a planner but I had this
01:08:43day planner that we filled out like
01:08:44together with like all his trips like up
01:08:47until like New Year's that we were
01:08:49supposed to be like on each coast or
01:08:50whatever and I was like for about a
01:08:52month I was like I'm burning that
01:08:54planner
01:08:55and then and then eventually I picked it
01:08:58up and I started writing in it and now
01:09:00it's my planner again yeah like that's a
01:09:02heel that's like what I noticed I'm
01:09:05healing like don't try to like brush I
01:09:07should under the rug and burn the
01:09:08planner pick up a planner face it make
01:09:11see how you feel and own it again yeah
01:09:13so I'm owning my love because that's a
01:09:15beautiful thing to have unconditional
01:09:17love that you can give to someone else
01:09:18yes he's not capable of that
01:09:20no and that's too bad but it's not my
01:09:22problem no it's not and you're gonna
01:09:24find somebody amazing cuz you are
01:09:26amazing
01:09:27oh my [ __ ] might be going back into
01:09:29hibernation off-camera for a few more
01:09:30years but yeah like hopefully that's the
01:09:32goal well all these I mean all of this
01:09:35is gonna be because you're gonna meet an
01:09:37amazing guy and all of this that you've
01:09:40learned and everything that you've taken
01:09:41away from this is gonna just make your
01:09:43next relationship work and it's gonna
01:09:46make it so much stronger it's gonna like
01:09:47you're gonna look back on all of this
01:09:49and you're gonna be like oh my god what
01:09:50the [ __ ] and you're great it's like you
01:09:52can never see it when you're in the
01:09:54moment like where it's gonna lead you
01:09:56cuz you don't know where you're going
01:09:58but then when you finally reach that
01:10:00point and you look but you're like oh
01:10:01all of this had to happen for it too
01:10:03like for things to be the way they are
01:10:04now you're right a hundred been my
01:10:06experience and my shame and
01:10:08embarrassment was truly come after doing
01:10:10the work and really learnt learning no
01:10:12one can shame you but you know one can
01:10:14make you feel embarrassed but you right
01:10:16so when it was shocking and
01:10:18heartbreaking and I felt betrayed but my
01:10:20shame was coming more from the fact that
01:10:23I [ __ ] the wrong guy it took me eight
01:10:26years just to [ __ ] another horrible
01:10:27person you know I was like oh god that's
01:10:31what I was embarrassed about but when I
01:10:32started opening up to people and just
01:10:34sort of facing it and other people's
01:10:38response has always been like don't be
01:10:40embarrassed everyone [ __ ] the wrong guy
01:10:42oh god I mean everyone absolutely the
01:10:46same with guys like [ __ ] the wrong girl
01:10:48too yeah whatever
01:10:49we all just like stumble into that so
01:10:51it's a human thing it's just I you know
01:10:53the journey and I'm enjoying the journey
01:10:58enjoying each part every day that I wake
01:11:00up and I'm feeling better although
01:11:01almost say like I've learned not every
01:11:03day is progressive but you have to
01:11:05remember that better days are coming
01:11:07yeah
01:11:09really important awesome definitely well
01:11:12I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry
01:11:14for everything that happened to you but
01:11:15I'm I'm happy to see you I'm so happy to
01:11:19see you is so glad to get a video
01:11:21brought you here and brought you on the
01:11:23show yeah and um yeah thank you for
01:11:26coming
01:11:27I will come anytime let's get you home
01:11:29safe
01:11:33bye everyone bye everybody thank wait
01:11:35before we go I'll tell everybody where
01:11:37they can find you on social media okay
01:11:40on social media on Twitter I'm just at
01:11:42Jaden kool je yd e & Co le on Instagram
01:11:45I'm Jayden Cole with a number 5 I
01:11:47haven't have five Instagram accounts but
01:11:48I have been shut down a few times so
01:11:50we're sticking to Jane and Cole 505 yes
01:11:53and then also in February 14th or 16th
01:11:57uh Pete can I go for some days yes
01:11:58absolutely in Louisville Kentucky
01:12:00because this comes out before
01:12:01Valentine's Day right be sure sure and
01:12:03then I think so
01:12:04February 22nd 23rd I'll be at what was
01:12:10the one the Trophy Club in South
01:12:12Carolina because stormy Daniels so it
01:12:16was the one guy it was the club owner
01:12:18who defined the term make America horny
01:12:20again tour oh I know yeah I know I know
01:12:23why would you know but like it's just
01:12:26funny I always think of that like that's
01:12:27the club the trophy club February 22nd
01:12:3023rd and then March 15th and 16th will
01:12:32be an expose in San Diego and then April
01:12:3511th through 12th I'll be at Detroit
01:12:40deja vu and then no cheerleaders Philly
01:12:43and the following weekend will be a
01:12:44Detroit deja vu but they can find all of
01:12:47the singers yeah you'll find writing it
01:12:50all down yeah yeah exactly
01:12:51okay so these ring a bell I'll see you
01:12:54there yeah yeah I definitely go see her
01:12:56she's amazing and she she deserves all
01:12:59your dollar bills dolla dolla billon and
01:13:02you guys can follow me at Holly Randall
01:13:04on Instagram and on Twitter and if you
01:13:08want to drop me a line about this
01:13:09podcast maybe suggested upcoming guests
01:13:11or just give me some feedback in general
01:13:13you could always email me Holly Randall
01:13:15unfiltered at gmail.com thank you all
01:13:18and we'll see you next week