There is a big number of young adults between the ages of 18 and 30-something in Malaysia who are opting to live with their parents as a way to save money amid the rising cost of living. However, this arrangement is fraught with challenges for everyone involved, from issues of strained relationships to navigating boundaries.
StarMetro's Life & The City podcast hosts Aida Ahmad and Farid Wahab talk about this lighthearted topic with 24-year-old StarTV video editor Imran Khaliq Mohd Khairizal, who candidly shares his personal experience.
The Life & The City podcast series, which airs fortnightly, addresses current and social issues impacting urbanites.
It is available on www.thestar.com.my/metro and on The Star's social media platforms (@thestaronline).
WATCH MORE: https://thestartv.com/c/news
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StarMetro's Life & The City podcast hosts Aida Ahmad and Farid Wahab talk about this lighthearted topic with 24-year-old StarTV video editor Imran Khaliq Mohd Khairizal, who candidly shares his personal experience.
The Life & The City podcast series, which airs fortnightly, addresses current and social issues impacting urbanites.
It is available on www.thestar.com.my/metro and on The Star's social media platforms (@thestaronline).
WATCH MORE: https://thestartv.com/c/news
SUBSCRIBE: https://cutt.ly/TheStar
LIKE: https://fb.com/TheStarOnline
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NewsTranscript
00:00Welcome everyone to the third episode of Life in the City podcast by Star Media Group.
00:10I'm Aida Ahmad, your host and together with me again today is my Witi co-host, Farid Wahab.
00:17Not sure about the Witi part but thanks for the compliment. I try to be.
00:22Hopefully, I've sharpened my wit enough since our last podcast, Aida.
00:27Yeah.
00:28And we have an interesting topic to talk about today. What is it going to be about, Aida?
00:32Yes. Indeed, it will be an interesting and funny one, I think.
00:38Our topic today is overstaying the nest.
00:41Consequences of adult children living with parents and parenting forever.
00:47The question is, is this living dynamic a trend though?
00:52What are the reasons behind it and how will it affect the parent-child long-term relationship?
00:59And with us today is actually a colleague of ours, Imran Khaliq. Welcome to the show.
01:06Hi, Imran.
01:07Hello. Thank you. I'm glad to be here. How are you all doing?
01:10We're fine. Thanks.
01:12I'm doing incredibly good.
01:15So, Imran is a perfect candidate for us today because he is 24.
01:24He is one of our video editors and he is living with his parents in his family home.
01:30And this should be an insightful one.
01:33Imran, why don't you tell us a bit about yourself and your current living dynamic?
01:38Okay. Yeah, my name is Imran. I live with like five people now in my house, which is just my mum and four other siblings including myself.
01:48Right. I understand that you are the eldest, right?
01:50Yes, I am the eldest.
01:52Okay.
01:53So, we chose to talk about these topics because there have been several reports, right, about young adults in Malaysia
02:02and other countries where the adult children, and we're talking about ages 18 up to even over 30, still remain living with their parents due to various reasons.
02:18So much so that once they leave the nest, and I'm talking about in the Malaysian and Asian context, once they leave the nest, it is a big deal, right?
02:29It's like you're moving out, gaining independence, I'm growing up, it's time to face the big bad world, right? Farid, what's your take on this?
02:40Yes, I mean, I myself until recently still stayed with my mum and my sister.
02:47But recently, my mum and my sister moved out of the house that I'm currently living in now.
02:53So, I'm alone right now, but I used to live with my mum until very recently.
02:57So, I think I'm quite well suited to talk about this topic. I have plenty to share.
03:01Hopefully, it will be insightful for our listeners.
03:04Yes, of course. And let's face it, moving out of the home we grew up in can be emotionally challenging, right?
03:12Yeah, I agree.
03:13Financially as well.
03:14Very financially.
03:16From one article I found, guys, this was published in The Guardian in November last year.
03:23The proportion of young adults living with their parents is on a steep rise, actually.
03:29What does it mean for parents who had been expecting an empty nest?
03:34Here, the story says, the empty nesters talked about negotiating boundaries, including splitting chores and household bills,
03:42thinking that this might alleviate some conflicts at home with their two, in this particular story, two and almost 30-something-year-old sons.
03:52But the reality was very different.
03:56Have you guys faced this sort of conflict at home?
04:02We'll start with you, Imran.
04:04Okay. So, wait, what was the question again?
04:07Have you faced similar conflict when it comes to still living in your parents' home and you're expected to contribute to some of the utility bills now that you're employed and some of the household chores?
04:22In my case, yes. I was kind of expected by my mother to at least share some of the bills.
04:32Not a lot because she knows that I've just started working recently.
04:36So, she just asked me if I wanted to contribute a bit.
04:41So, me, myself, I felt like she has been responsible for me for the past 24 years.
04:50So, there's a feeling of I need to help her.
04:53So, yeah, I need to share some bills with her as well and help her.
05:01Right. Yeah, as expected.
05:02I mean, because I think you mentioned also about the cost-efficient aspect of living in your parents' home, right?
05:11And in terms of saving money, also the shared responsibilities of taking care of your parents and siblings, correct?
05:21Yes, that's very true. Yes.
05:23Okay. Are you expected to complete a list of daily chores or is it like an ad hoc thing?
05:33It's more of an ad hoc thing just because of my schedule for my work which is like sometimes it's morning, sometimes it's night.
05:42And it adds up because I have like three little siblings at home and one of them just finished SPM recently.
05:52I see.
05:53So, he's like the most freest person right now in the house.
05:56So, my mom will definitely target him to do most of the work.
06:00And then the youngest one, he's always playing games downstairs.
06:04So, he's the easiest one to, hey, do this, do that, do that.
06:10Yeah.
06:11So, both of them have like the most amount of chores actually.
06:16Well, listen, coming from family, I'm the youngest.
06:19So, yes, I know how that feels.
06:22But I would expect you to be given most of the tasks given that you are the eldest among your siblings.
06:27Is that not the case?
06:28In my case, I will do the chores if it scratches my brain wrong, you know.
06:36If it's like when after eating together and what and I see the dish full of the plates and silverware, everything, right?
06:46Sometimes they don't clean up after themselves.
06:49So, I just clean up for them.
06:51So, mine is more to if I don't like to see it, I'll do it.
06:57But if it's like chores every morning, I do some of the things.
07:01So, I'll just help out my little brothers actually when it comes to that.
07:06Right.
07:07Do you guys think, is it because of the whole Asian filial piety concept that gives us that sense of responsibility to care for our parents and choosing to live at home, Farid?
07:21I think there is an element of filial piety somewhere in there because I think when it comes to Asian community,
07:28we do have, I would say, a stronger sense of community, a stronger sense of family among ourselves compared to, I think, more Western countries.
07:37I would say that.
07:38But I think there's also something else at play here which is if you're lucky enough to be born or to grow up in Klang Valley,
07:48or unlucky, some people might argue, is that there's an issue of increasing rent.
07:58So, a lot of people are finding that the cost of living is going up, the accommodation prices are going up.
08:03So, being able to stay with your parents help you to take care of your finances.
08:07Yeah.
08:08Now, you lived with your mom and you were near a public transport station, right?
08:15Yes.
08:16And that made it easier for you?
08:17Definitely.
08:18When I first graduated and I just moved back home from university and I just got a job somewhere in Petaling Jaya at the time,
08:26I couldn't afford a car. My mom didn't have an extra car for me.
08:29Yeah.
08:30So, because our home was near an LRT station, that made it very easy for me to commute elsewhere.
08:37Whereas, as compared to people who probably live in areas where they probably don't have a car,
08:42they probably are not living anywhere near a public transport station.
08:45Yeah.
08:46That's probably a bit harder and more difficult for them.
08:48Yeah. True, true. How has living with your parents affected your well-being?
08:55We all know there are positive and negative consequences here. Imran?
09:00Living with my parents, of course, there's pros and cons, right?
09:03Yeah.
09:04Yes, they take care of me very well, actually, both in the financial and my well-being department.
09:12As you can see, I'm quite not fit, but it means they're feeding me good, right?
09:19So, for that part, yes, financially, they also supported me before I got a job.
09:25So, that's incredibly nice as well.
09:28But for the mental, sometimes, you know how moms are, right?
09:40They worry a lot about us, right?
09:42So, some of the things that I don't do, some of the things I do, she will nag to me a lot,
09:49which is a bit annoying sometimes. It's to the point that I get really annoyed at her.
09:56But that's just sometimes, okay? That's not all the time.
09:59All the time, I'm fine with my mom.
10:01Let's hope she doesn't watch this.
10:03She does watch this.
10:05I think we've all gone through that, right?
10:08Yeah.
10:09Pushing the wrong buttons.
10:10Yeah, pushing the wrong buttons.
10:11But yeah, I know that she only nags at me because she loves the family and me also.
10:17Right.
10:18Although, I did mention Asian filial piety.
10:21But let me ask both of you guys, is there pressure from your family to move out on your own,
10:29gain some independence for it?
10:33Not in my case, no.
10:35My mom did not pressure me to move out, although she did hint multiple times about the need for,
10:42I mean that I need to start looking for a property to buy because she said,
10:46when the property prices are going up, it's best that you get your foot in the market right now.
10:50And I'm very happy to say that I recently got, recently did make a purchase.
10:56Well done.
10:57But there was no pressure at all, no pressure to move out.
11:01Imran?
11:02Yes, actually I would agree with Farid too because my mom doesn't pressure me at all
11:08to get out of the house or something like that because of the, I guess it's the responsibility
11:14of the elders, so I need to take care of the family, my siblings too.
11:20So, yeah, I can say no, there is no pressure at all.
11:25There's one thing I would like to add to the conversation.
11:27I mean seeing that both me and Imran grew up in Klang Valley, I would consider that in some ways
11:31we are lucky because we got a job here, we grew up here, our parents live here,
11:37so we have the opportunity to stay with our parents.
11:40Whereas I have plenty of friends from states outside of Klang Valley who had to leave their parents
11:45and actually had to rent an accommodation because they got a job in KL.
11:49So I think for people who are not a native to Klang Valley, there is an extra cost for them
11:57when they move from their original state to the Klang Valley.
12:00So in that sense, we are a bit lucky.
12:03Yes, I actually agree with that.
12:05Yeah, me too.
12:06I actually spoke to a friend recently who is a single mom and she has children ages 26 and 23.
12:15Oh, okay.
12:16And I don't think they live with her at the moment.
12:20They are living on their own.
12:22However, she said she really doesn't mind them living with her until they get married.
12:28Yes, I actually very much agree with that statement.
12:31When I talk to my friends about this topic, all of them have kind of the same opinion with me
12:37and it's like it's totally normal here in Asian mentality to just live with your parents
12:44until let's say we get married and then after marriage, get out.
12:49Something like that.
12:50In a more gentler way.
12:52Yes, just get another home to live with your spouse and everything.
12:57But I mean, guys, I just read up on some statistics outside of Malaysia, right?
13:03Even in the US, 57% of 18 to 24-year-olds were living with their parents as of last year in 2023
13:12according to figures from the Pew Research Center.
13:15This is more than in 1993.
13:1853% the previous year studied.
13:23This phenomenon is actually growing rapidly in the US.
13:28But also in France, in 2020, an estimated 4.92 million adults were living at the family home
13:36according to the foundation Pierre.
13:39The majority were aged between 18 and 24.
13:43Now, according to one, this is funny.
13:45I found it on Reddit.
13:46According to one Malaysian Reddit user quoted,
13:49I still live with my parents not because I'm dependent on them but because it is cost efficient
13:55and they are my family and it actually makes life easier.
14:00He said, I don't see myself being dependent on living with my parents.
14:03It's just more cost efficient to live under one household.
14:08Now, I can agree with that.
14:09Like right now, this reader said, his house uses the 100 Mbps Wi-Fi.
14:15Even it boils down to Wi-Fi, right?
14:18Because the bill is split among everyone in the household.
14:21So, they can enjoy high speed and pay a little after splitting the bill.
14:27Yeah, I do agree actually.
14:28Because if we live alone, everything needs to be under us.
14:35If some of us are unfortunate enough to get little pay,
14:41we can't really have access like how I'm actually having access to internet,
14:48housing and just transport in general, everything that's been with my parents.
14:55It does seem like 100 Mbps is probably too much for one person whereas
14:59you can share that among your family members.
15:02Everything lessens the burden.
15:03Yeah.
15:04Well, let's shift the focus and talk about the relationship dynamics.
15:09Farid, how has your relationship with your mum changed?
15:13Okay, a lot.
15:16That is understating it.
15:18So, I was lucky enough to be able to further my studies overseas.
15:23And so, I think there was about 3-4 years in the UK.
15:26So, when I was there, I lived with my friends.
15:31I didn't live with my family, obviously.
15:33And I had a lot of freedom in my schedule.
15:37So, when I got back, not only I was adjusting to the fact that
15:41I was no longer as free as I used to because in my family,
15:45we had this unspoken agreement that if you are going out past 7pm,
15:49you're going to have to tell your mum.
15:51And I did that.
15:52And I still do that to this day.
15:54I still do that.
15:56So, when I came back to Malaysia, there was a lot of adjustment going on
16:00because not only I had to readjust to that requirement,
16:04but also I was a completely new person at this point.
16:07I've seen the world, so to speak.
16:10I'm a completely different adult now.
16:13And so, these are two adults trying to readjust.
16:17So, my mum had a certain expectation of what life was going to be like
16:20when I came back.
16:21I had a certain expectation of what life was going to be like.
16:24So, renegotiating that, I think, did create some conflicts.
16:29Although, over time, we managed to work through most of the conflicts.
16:36Conflicts are bound to happen, right?
16:38I mean, it's balancing our desire for independence and parental expectations.
16:45And we all know if there's too much controlling as we get older
16:49on the part of the parent, the relationship will suffer, right?
16:53So, Imran, do you want to share something about that?
16:57Well, I do agree that if there's too much control,
17:01yes, the relationship is going to suffer.
17:04It's a pretty hard line to balance, actually.
17:07If you give too much freedom to the child or the young adult in this case,
17:14there's a fear that they might go astray.
17:16There's so much freedom and everything they can do.
17:19But there needs to be a limit to it.
17:21But if you limit too many things,
17:24you will restrict that they will not learn independence at all
17:28and to learn the life lessons that go along with it.
17:32In my case...
17:37What was it?
17:38In my case, thank God, my mum doesn't control me that much
17:42when comparing me to my sister.
17:44But I think that's just a son-daughter thing, right?
17:48Of course, we're going to be more protective of the sister than the son, right?
17:54So, with me, because I don't consider myself a good son,
17:59but at least I just tell...
18:03Yeah, but I just...
18:04At least, just like you, Farid, if I wanted to go out or anything,
18:08I'll at least tell the family or her.
18:12Nowadays, I don't ask for permission anymore.
18:14But just, mum, I'm going out, okay?
18:16When?
18:17And then she will, of course, ask when, where, who and everything.
18:20That's just the normal, right?
18:22Yeah.
18:23But I don't really go out and then if she ever says no to me,
18:28then I will just negotiate with her, I guess.
18:32Yeah, I think negotiations come with adulthood.
18:36Yeah.
18:38How about you guys?
18:39Can you both share a time when you and your parents ran into some disagreements?
18:46Oh, there were plenty of times to choose from.
18:50Pick the best one.
18:52There was this one time when I think I just got back from university
18:57and me and my friends, we went to KLIA, I think, just for fun, just to hang out.
19:03We didn't do anything.
19:05But I, at that time, I just didn't tell my mum.
19:10And she was worried sick about me.
19:12She kept calling me, texting me and I just switched off my phone.
19:14I said, no.
19:15Oh, you're crazy.
19:16Yeah, yeah.
19:17But, I mean, in hindsight, looking back, now that I'm older, hopefully much wiser,
19:23looking back, I thought I could have just told her what I was doing, where I was going.
19:26It's not that she didn't trust me.
19:28She needed to know what I was doing, who I was going with.
19:31So, if I had done that, I could have avoided that conflict.
19:34But I, instead, made it bigger by not communicating.
19:38How about you, Imran?
19:40I actually do agree with you on that.
19:42Because I've done it in the past also.
19:45And, yes, I faced the consequences too.
19:47Like, going back in the middle of the night and then she just,
19:52you know, she gets mad at me and stuff like that.
19:55But that's another case.
19:57For my case, it's just, there was this one time we were talking about something quite important
20:02that can't be shared here.
20:04It's okay.
20:06But, she would give me some outrageous takes that I would not agree with.
20:13So, I would get visibly upset at her, but not to the point of tantrum,
20:20just a stone-cold face like,
20:22what are you talking about, woman?
20:25Something like that, in my head, I didn't say to her.
20:28You better not.
20:29You're living in her house.
20:30Yeah, I think I'm going to get killed if I say that to her.
20:33Mama, I'm sorry.
20:35Yeah, so, and then, that was the conflict.
20:39Because we were, our family kind of doesn't say sorry to each other,
20:44something like that.
20:45So, if there's a conflict happening, we're just going to sit in silence
20:49and just do our own thing, like, as a form of cooling down.
20:53And then, continuing the conversation that she gave some outrageous takes on me.
21:00I think that whole saying sorry thing is not really an Asian thing, right?
21:06Really?
21:07Yeah, I think a lot of parents and children, no, they didn't apologize.
21:11We just figured it out.
21:13Yeah, I think it's an Asian thing.
21:17It's like, if we get into a fight with our parents,
21:20we're just going to go to the room and then they're just going to come and,
21:23come, let's eat now.
21:27Everybody just goes and eat.
21:28Awkwardly.
21:29Awkwardly.
21:30And then, long, long.
21:32Over time.
21:33Over time, it just goes well again.
21:36Yeah, and then, somehow, the topic will change and everyone's okay again.
21:42The thing is, right, in Western school of thought,
21:46parents are not your live-in helpers in the house.
21:50Whereas in Malaysia and probably other Asian countries,
21:55it's common for parents to continue doting over their grown children.
22:01This is what we mean by parenting forever.
22:06Yeah.
22:07That was a funny concept.
22:08Don't worry, I'm going to get out one day.
22:11But how about you guys?
22:14What were you expected to do at home?
22:18For example, like wash your own dishes, make your own beds, that kind of thing?
22:22Yeah.
22:23Growing up, me and my sister, I'm the eldest, by the way, among two siblings,
22:28we were always expected to make our own bed and to wash the dishes.
22:33When I moved back in, that went without saying.
22:36I had to do it again.
22:38But by this time, I think I was coming back from university.
22:42I had lots of clothes with me, brought back with me lots of clothes.
22:47We didn't have enough cupboards in the house.
22:50As a result, my mom was sharing my cupboards, which is in my room.
22:54She occasionally went into my room, opened the door without knocking,
22:58just to take her clothes from the wardrobe.
23:01I have to admit, I wasn't a fan of that arrangement.
23:07Privacy is another issue, I suppose, within larger families.
23:14Imran, what's your take on this?
23:16Because there are four of you, right?
23:17Yes, there are four of us.
23:18How does the issue of privacy come into play?
23:21Because you are the oldest and you're a guy.
23:24How does that affect you?
23:29In the topic of privacy, it's kind of non-existent in the household.
23:37I don't know if other homes are like this or not,
23:41but in my home, we don't really lock the door of our own bedroom.
23:47So, my mom can just barge in and look at what we're doing.
23:52So, there's kind of no privacy there.
23:55Plus, for my room, it's me and my little brother.
24:00So, if I was calling somebody or he's talking to anybody,
24:05we're both going to hear what the other guy is saying.
24:09Same as my mom.
24:12We also barge in her room sometimes.
24:15I think for privacy, it kind of doesn't exist in Asian households, actually.
24:21Yeah, I kind of agree. What about you?
24:24Well, my house, the house I'm currently living in, it's a two-bedroom house.
24:30So, that means that my mom has one room.
24:33I mean, my mom had one room, occupied one room,
24:35and me and my sister had to share a room.
24:37So, it's one man and now one woman sharing one room.
24:42So, luckily, that arrangement didn't last very long.
24:45It wasn't a comfortable arrangement for me or for my sister.
24:48So, now that they have both moved away,
24:51now I have the house all to myself.
24:53So, thankfully, that arrangement did not last for long.
24:56But yes, privacy was almost non-existent where I lived.
25:00That brings us to the topic of social lives.
25:06Are you guys allowed to bring any guests into the house?
25:11Okay, starting from me.
25:13Yes, my parents were not, they don't really deny me bringing my friends over.
25:21But I think it's just me, myself, that doesn't want to bring my friends over
25:25because if I bring them to my house, if they want to hang out in my room,
25:32my brother's going to be there.
25:34I see.
25:35That's like a, you here, get out of here.
25:38And then I feel bad to my little brother that he's just going to sit outside.
25:43So, in that case, yes, I don't really invite my friends a lot.
25:48But my mom, she does invite her friends a lot to our house.
25:53But they just chill at the living room.
25:56Right.
25:57Yeah.
25:58Just like the common area.
26:01What about you, Farid?
26:02Well, my mom regularly had friends over, her friends from work.
26:08I rarely did.
26:10But there had been times when I did have friends over.
26:13For example, like during Hari Raya when my mom was having like a small open house.
26:18So, I asked my friends to come.
26:21But it's not very often because it's a small house and I don't feel very comfortable.
26:25There are things I want to talk about with my friends that I don't want my mom to overhear.
26:29So, worry.
26:34The financial and practical arrangements of young adults living at home with parents
26:40and other siblings come into play as well.
26:43What do you guys think about adult children contributing to the household expenses?
26:51Farid?
26:53I did give my mom some allowance every month.
26:56I'm not going to tell you how much.
26:58It's okay.
26:59But I still do.
27:00Even after she moved out, I still do.
27:01That obligation has continued to this day.
27:03And I think that it's only fair because if you were...
27:07This is my personal opinion, obviously.
27:09I know people who don't possibly because their parents are in a much better financial position.
27:15But not in my case.
27:16My mom was not working.
27:17She doesn't have a pension.
27:19Formerly, she was employed in the private sector.
27:25So, she doesn't have a pension.
27:27She does have EPF though.
27:28But I do try to help lessen her financial burden.
27:33I did contribute to the bills.
27:36I regularly bought groceries with her.
27:40So, I did contribute.
27:41I think it's only fair because if you were living outside, you need to do all of this yourself anyway.
27:47So, if you're with your parents, at least they do help with certain expenses, taking care of the house.
27:54So, it's the least that you can do.
27:55I think it's only fair.
27:57What about you, Imran?
27:58I actually completely agree with Farid on this take.
28:01Because we as their child, right?
28:04So, when we were small and everything, they will take care of us 24-7, right?
28:10Yeah, do it on us.
28:11Yeah.
28:12So, I think after we at least get some amount of income, just give some back.
28:18I talk to this about to my cousins, to my siblings and everything.
28:22At least just give any amount is fine.
28:25Just the gesture enough is good for me and my siblings.
28:30I try to...
28:32I will add one thing.
28:34Hopefully, I'm not cutting you off.
28:35Oh, no, no.
28:36I will add one thing that there were times when I look at friends who don't do this and felt a tiny bit of jealousy.
28:42Because I felt like, for example, when I wanted to buy a car, this consideration came into my mind.
28:49Because I needed to make sure that I have enough money at the end of the month to pay for my car.
28:54So, this is a significant amount of financial commitment that I'm giving to my mom.
28:58Whereas my friends who don't have that kind of commitment can maybe go for more holidays, more expensive car.
29:06Because they're not held back as much by that financial commitment.
29:10So, I think it's very strong situation to situation.
29:14Some people are more lucky than others, I guess.
29:16Yeah, I completely agree with you on that take.
29:20Yeah.
29:21On a broader, I would say, implication and reflection on this topic.
29:29There is positive and negative elements to continuing to live at home, right?
29:41In the family home to save money, be closer to your parents or whatever reason you may have.
29:50But on a long term, how to say, arrangement, do you think this is positive or negative, Imran?
30:01Well, I could say it's both, actually.
30:04Yeah.
30:05It's both because to me, the positive side that I can say is if the young adult is actually trying their best to save money,
30:17to better themselves and just give back to the parents.
30:23Yes, that's good.
30:24You can just stay with your parents as long as you want, as long as you're helping them in some form or way.
30:32But if you're not helping them at all, at least with the chores, that's like the bare minimum, don't be a biawak hidup lah.
30:41Can you just educate us on what that means again?
30:44Biawak hidup is essentially, it's like a slang for people that just leeches off their parents and not work.
30:54Sponge off them, right?
30:56Just stay at home, doing whatever they want, just not helping or contributing to anything in the household.
31:05In my opinion, whether or not it's positive or negative depends entirely on the people who are involved in that arrangement.
31:15It can be a positive experience, it can be a negative experience,
31:19it's depending on how you negotiate boundaries among the participants or among the people who live in that household.
31:26I would say that don't expect it to be completely smooth sailing.
31:32Of course.
31:33It's definitely not going to be.
31:35There will always be conflicts.
31:36Yes, there are many egos in that house.
31:38Adjust your expectations and if you're okay, you can say sorry.
31:46Communication, correct. I think we can sort of change that mindset.
31:53I will add one more thing though, in the sense that it's important that parents do view their children as adults.
32:03They are adults, let's be clear about that. If they're above 18, they can vote.
32:07Yes, that may be true.
32:10On the flip side, if you want to be viewed as an adult, you have to behave like an adult.
32:16True.
32:17You can't wake up at 12 in the afternoon after you spend the whole night playing video games.
32:22I know some people who do.
32:24You can't put your dishes in the sink and then not washing it and then expect to be treated like an adult.
32:30You want to be treated like an adult, act like one.
32:33That's true.
32:36How has your collective experience changed your perspectives on three focuses here?
32:48Family, independence and adulthood. Imran?
32:51Me, for family, it's a bit of a hard line to balance to be honest.
32:58For my experience with family, the longer that I've been in this world with them,
33:03I feel like I need to lead and protect them as much as possible.
33:10I know they don't need the protection and whatever to end, but I think just as an added bonus,
33:19I need to take care of them for the family.
33:24When I was small, I didn't really care about these things, but now that I'm reaching a certain age,
33:30I think it's getting more important that family comes first in that sense.
33:36For independence, to me, if you're making income, try your best to be independent.
33:47But also help your parents at least and your siblings.
33:51Lastly, adulthood, I think that's just life experience.
33:56We need to just experience one by one everything life has to offer and don't give up.
34:04My answer is going to be, hopefully it's not too complicated.
34:08It's quite nuanced.
34:11Looking back, I come to realise that individuals are unique.
34:17Even in the same family, they are not all.
34:20They may come from the same genetic or whatever, but they are their own individuals.
34:26I'll give you an example to make it easier to understand.
34:29I was watching the news on the TV with my mom recently and there was a political news that came up on the TV.
34:36My mom, as usual, is a very opinionated person.
34:39She immediately wanted to let everyone know what her thoughts on the topic is.
34:44And I disagree with her. I find myself disagreeing with her.
34:48But then I realised that part of maturing, part of growing up, is branching out.
34:55Being able to separate yourself from your parents and say,
34:58look, you may have raised me with a certain value.
35:02You may have raised me to hold a certain opinion.
35:05But as I see the world, as I receive the education that you have so kindly provided to me,
35:11I'm starting to see things differently.
35:14I'm probably having a different kind of social circle and that might have shaped the way I see the world.
35:22I still love her. I still respect her.
35:24Obviously, she's my mom.
35:26But there are certain things, I think, when you become an adult, as you get older, as you mature up,
35:32you will outgrow them.
35:35Yeah, that's true.
35:37I agree also.
35:40The topic that we're discussing today is adult children living with the parents while we're still single.
35:50We're not talking about when you get married and then you bring in your spouse to live with your parents.
35:56That's a whole other...
35:57Different story.
35:58Different story, which we might talk about in the coming episodes.
36:03That should be fun.
36:08Any closing thoughts, Farid?
36:13Let me give some time to think about it.
36:15Imran, do you have anything to offer first?
36:17Okay, thank you, Farid.
36:19To me, it's like for me to be living with my parents,
36:24in this economy, me as a 20-something year old,
36:32it's completely normal to stay with your parents.
36:37I think it's more of an Asian thing too, actually.
36:41And the fact that you guys are in the same state, district or whatever.
36:45Yes, same district, same everything.
36:47It's normal.
36:49It's not weird at all to stay with your parents.
36:53It's good for people that have independence to get out of the house and live by their own.
36:58But don't make it an embarrassing thing to stay with your parents,
37:03especially in this time.
37:05I feel like this is one of the few,
37:07this is one of the only times that I can actually spend time with my family
37:12because I think after, if I get married or go overseas,
37:18I think it's just going to be a,
37:20I'm just going to miss the family a lot and not even going to,
37:25I'm going to reminisce about the days when I was still living with my parents.
37:29So now, I'm just going to live my life as it is with my parents.
37:35It's a pretty good life, actually.
37:38I remember, now that I've heard what you said,
37:43now I'm remembering what I want,
37:45something crossed my mind and I want to share with our listeners.
37:48I remember one argument I had with my mom
37:51and I talked to my eldest aunt about it, my matlong about it,
37:55and I told her everything.
37:56I said, I want to move out of the house.
37:59And then she said, she shared an experience that she had after my grandmother died.
38:04And she said, you're going to,
38:07she said, one day you're going to look back at this
38:10and you're going to reminisce on the times when you actually,
38:14at the time that you actually had with her.
38:16She said that, I wish I could get back the time with your grandmother.
38:21So she said, you may look at this like it's the worst thing now,
38:25but you will cherish the time you had with her when you're no longer with her.
38:30And now, not saying that my mom has died,
38:32she's still very much alive and kicking,
38:34but she's moved out of the house.
38:36So now when I come back from work, the house is empty.
38:42It doesn't feel as vibrant or as lively as it used to be when she was there.
38:47I know when she was there, I used to dread,
38:50there were times when I dreaded coming home
38:52because she would be chit-chatting about the neighbours.
38:56I wish she would keep quiet.
38:59But now, I find myself, there were times when I wish she was around.
39:04But we often take them for granted.
39:07I think we can really avoid this type of thinking
39:15because to me, this is something that every person will experience throughout their life.
39:21At first, they're going to be like,
39:23oh this is so annoying, I don't want to see her anymore.
39:26And after a couple of years, oh I miss that time.
39:29And it transcends different cultures.
39:31Yeah, every culture is going to be like that.
39:33Yeah, that's true.
39:35Well, this has been interesting and insightful conversation as always.
39:41And fun! This is a fun topic.
39:43And we hope people will listen and think about their own experiences from this.
39:52Once again, thank you Imran.
39:54Okay, thank you so much Aida.
39:55For being our guest, our affable guest.
39:58And thanks for listening everyone.
40:00The Life and the City podcast can be viewed on www.thestar.com.my.