Please Sir - S01E06 - Student Princess
Transcript
00:30♪♪
00:40♪♪
01:01Did you just stick a drawing pin in there?
01:04No, I'm standing here playing to bagpipes.
01:06What do you think I'm doing?
01:07Now, look, if you don't stop interfering with me,
01:09I shall come off my ladder.
01:11Well, if we don't get these blackout curtains up soon,
01:13it'll be too dark to need them.
01:15Well, who ever heard of films at school anyway?
01:17The kids are here to learn.
01:18I see they're here to learn, aren't they?
01:20You know, not to be entertained.
01:21All right, I'll do it myself.
01:23You'll not set foot on the rung of mine.
01:25And you'll kindly not tell me
01:27how to adjust my light exclusion sheeting.
01:32Light exclusion sheeting?
01:34It's just old blackout curtains left over from the blitz.
01:37Don't you malign the blitz.
01:39I'm not.
01:40Yes, my Ruby was on barrage balloons during the blitz.
01:45She must have been a bit cold floating about up there.
01:48That just proves you don't know what you're talking about, doesn't it?
01:50Barrage balloons didn't have pilots.
01:53See?
01:56There we are.
01:57Light exclusion sheeting affixed in spite of you.
02:01Potter.
02:03Don't tell me.
02:04Nazi moths.
02:07Why don't you bring the new curtains down?
02:09I know you've got some.
02:10I know I have.
02:11But if these had enough guts to see Jerry out,
02:13they will certainly outlast you and your rotten clans.
02:18Mr. Potter.
02:19Yes.
02:21You're a little treasure.
02:22He's a killer.
02:25Yeah, Potter, do you know you've got a nut off?
02:27You little man of...
02:28That's it, put up.
02:29You take sticks.
02:31A good dose of national service.
02:33That's what you lot need.
02:36Did you do national service, sir?
02:38No, Maureen.
02:39I was too young.
02:40Too young.
02:41Oh, how sweet.
02:42Oh, films.
02:43Can I turn the lights out?
02:45Yes, Danny.
02:46When I say the word now, all right?
02:50Right, Duffy.
02:51Do you know how to work one of these things?
02:53Oh, boy.
02:54Fancy trusting an expensive piece of equipment to a little child.
02:57It's a load of old rubbish that should have been scrapped years ago.
03:00That's why I'm trusting it to a little child, Duffy.
03:02Hurtful, Chief.
03:03Hurtful.
03:04Hey, Chief.
03:05Is that true we've got a student teacher coming to date him?
03:07Yes.
03:08Big ears.
03:09It is.
03:10Tart, is it?
03:11A young lady abbot, I believe so.
03:13They're all tarts to me.
03:15Pardon?
03:16Yes, sir.
03:17Yes, sir.
03:18There's no chance this being a love film, is there?
03:20Not unless Greek architecture gets you going.
03:22No chance.
03:24All right, all right.
03:26Now...
03:27No, no, no.
03:28Put the lights on again, would you, Dennis?
03:30You said now.
03:32Yes, I know I said now, but you've got to wait.
03:34What is it now?
03:36Oh, um...
03:37Good morning, Miss Yule.
03:39Good morning, Mr. Hedges.
03:41Good morning, 5C.
03:44Morning, Miss Yule.
03:47Oh, Craig.
03:49Well, Mr. Hedges, as our student teacher's subject is the same as yours,
03:54I've decided, or rather the headmaster's decided,
03:57that she should have the benefit of your six weeks at Fen Street
04:00for her first couple of days.
04:02What's she like?
04:03Thus far, impressive.
04:05Sensible.
04:07I beg your pardon?
04:08Well, you know how a man generally feels
04:10when he hears a girl described as sensible.
04:12I've no idea how a man feels.
04:15No.
04:18Try to set a good example, Mr. Hedges.
04:24Miss Collins, in here.
04:26Mr. Hedges will start you off.
04:30All right, all right, shut up.
04:34Now, Miss.
04:36Fine.
04:37Fine.
04:41Fair, very fair.
04:44This is marvellous.
04:45How long is it?
04:46A year, it must be.
04:47As long as that.
04:49I can't get over it.
04:50You can't get over it.
04:51Darling.
04:52Yes?
04:53Look, I'm sorry about that night.
04:55Well, I shouldn't have done that to you.
05:00All right, just carry on, carry on.
05:04I really am sorry about that night, darling.
05:07It wasn't all your fault, Bernard.
05:08I was in one of those silly moods.
05:10I know just what she means.
05:13Yes, but I felt a pig next morning leaving you in the lurch like that.
05:17Oh, no.
05:18Dirty devil.
05:21My mother was rather upset, you know.
05:23She was very fond of you.
05:24Not a mother at all.
05:27Well, I was fond of her too.
05:29I still am.
05:30And your father.
05:31What a funny family.
05:34It's just that I didn't think I could show my face again after what I did.
05:39I'll never trust a man again.
05:42Look, it's all forgotten.
05:43I had enough money.
05:44Here comes the crunch.
05:47Yes, but row or no row, you don't just leave a girl to pay the bill.
05:51I was going to phone you.
05:53I wish you had.
05:54You know, I've got a strange feeling that we might just get together.
06:00Hello, he's getting a second in his ear.
06:04Darling.
06:09Yes!
06:14This is Miss Collins.
06:17How do you do?
06:18I'm Mr. Dunstable.
06:20Hello, Mr. Dunstable.
06:23Yes, yes, okay.
06:27Hello, miss.
06:29I'm Eric Duffy.
06:31If there's ever anything I can do for you, anything at all, you say the word.
06:36All right, Duffy.
06:37Now, you're always telling me you're a little child, so let's behave like one, shall we?
06:41Sue, we really need Mrs. like a bit of love and understanding.
06:44Games are on Wednesday afternoon, Craven.
06:50We'll talk later, Miss Collins.
06:54All right, all right.
06:56Now then, if you care to sit in.
06:58Thank you.
07:06With me.
07:08And get the feel of things.
07:13Miss, you said they were a rough lot.
07:15Oh, they are, but I've got them pretty well organised by now.
07:21Now, you're on the lights, aren't you, Dennis?
07:24No, no, no, no, put them on again.
07:27Duffy, now, I'm going to give you and Craven the slides.
07:30We've already got the slides.
07:33You've already got the slides.
07:36Righto, Dunstable.
07:38What?
07:39Put the lights off, will you?
07:41Stop it, who's doing that?
07:44You'll have the projector on, I think, Duffy.
07:46Right, roll them.
07:48There you go.
07:53Now, can anyone tell me what that is?
08:01Maureen.
08:02No, I don't want to.
08:06Oh, all right.
08:07Um, Abbott?
08:09Yeah, looks like the Odeon down Robberard to me.
08:14Yes, very close.
08:16It's the Parthenon in Athens.
08:19And the first one to ask what's on this week gets 100 lines.
08:24Miss, sir?
08:25What is it, Dennis?
08:26I don't know where I am.
08:29No, you won't.
08:30Not in the dark with this lot.
08:31I'll go.
08:32All right, Dennis, come along.
08:34There we are.
08:36Right.
08:37Now, then, can anyone tell me anything about the Parthenon?
08:43No answer was the stern reply.
08:46Right.
08:47Well, let's have some questions, then.
08:52Now, come on.
08:53Come on, surely somebody's got a question.
08:56Please, sir, why are we holding hands?
09:19Morning, Smithy.
09:21Secret.
09:22No, no, no.
09:23Good morning, my dear.
09:24What a beautiful day.
09:25You seem to bring the sunshine into the staff room with you.
09:28Smithy, you're a fast worker.
09:30You've only known me two days.
09:32Miss Collins, I wonder if you would accept a small token of my esteem.
09:37Oh, how sweet.
09:38Thank you.
09:39The modest rose puts forth a thorn.
09:41The humble sheep a threatening horn.
09:44But the lily white shall in love delight.
09:47Not a thorn, not a threat, stain her beauty bright.
09:51Smithy, you're an old love.
09:54Oh, good morning, my little treasure.
09:58Morning, my lovely.
10:00Ah, my verjonenine heart.
10:03I wish she was.
10:04I would have her on my timetable every day of the week.
10:07I gave her a rose.
10:09You old rum.
10:11Ah, you know, a little bit of student crackling arrives,
10:14you all start acting like young Richard Burtons.
10:16The fact that you're wearing your best rugby club blazer
10:19has not escaped my notice, Bryce.
10:21What am I going to do with it? It's a club dance tonight.
10:23You told me it was next Thursday.
10:25Ah, shut up. Go make the tea.
10:33Morning.
10:34Ah, look at it, look at it.
10:36That expression rings a bell from my distant youth,
10:39you lucky swine, you.
10:41Well, it's my duty to show a student everything I know, Bryce.
10:44What's the secret? I mean, you're bloody ugly, aren't you?
10:48The Dwight Hoofer School of Animal Magnetism.
10:51Stop mucking about. I mean, really.
10:53Well, we knew each other a year ago,
10:55and last night we just seemed to have rekindled our Olympic flame,
10:58that's all, Bryce.
10:59Oh, what happened, boy?
11:00Well, when we got back to my flat last night,
11:02I, er, cracked a bottle of wine.
11:04Aye.
11:05Put on the soft music in the, er, in the soft lights.
11:08Aye, aye.
11:09And then I, er, I played my trump card.
11:11Oh, lovely, what?
11:13I showed her my, er, Rupert Annual.
11:17Bloody Englishman.
11:20You know, what impresses me about your young lady here
11:23is that she's not just, er, a little dolly,
11:26she's very, er, very efficient at her job as well.
11:30Well, yes, yes.
11:31I know, you go into 5C nowadays,
11:33you don't know which one of them is the student.
11:35Yes, well, she had me to show her the ropes, you know.
11:37Aye, she's got over that handicap as well.
11:40Oh, be fair, old man,
11:41you must admit she's settled in rather more quickly than you did.
11:45All right.
11:46Who's keeping tabs?
11:48Well, Mr Hedges,
11:49it seems you're due to be congratulated.
11:52Mm.
11:53You haven't seen the best of me yet, Miss Hull.
11:56I meant congratulated on your good fortune
11:58in having such an outstanding student.
12:01Yes, well, she's fairly good, I suppose.
12:05I've certainly never seen 5C so well behaved.
12:08Yeah, well, I told them to.
12:10That doesn't usually have much effect, does it?
12:13Look, you're just seeing it's accumulative.
12:15You're seeing the effect that I've put all the work in
12:17since I've been here.
12:20What a fragile thing the male ego is.
12:25Well, you should know, Doris.
12:27Old boy.
12:29Oh, my God.
12:43Sorry, Fritz, I didn't make the rules.
12:47Hello, Abbott.
12:48Who's winning, Captain Marvel?
12:49This ain't a comic.
12:51This is a true war story with pictures.
12:54Oh, I'm sure it is.
12:55Mind you, that picture's inaccurate.
12:57Prove it.
12:58Well, you see that American lieutenant?
13:00What, old Tex Ryan?
13:01Yeah, well, that's a .45 calibre automatic he's using.
13:04Is it?
13:05Oh, yeah, of course it is, yeah.
13:07Yeah, well, a bullet out of that at close range
13:10would knock a man over backwards
13:11and that chap's falling forwards.
13:13That's an impact of about a quarter of a tonne, you know.
13:16A quarter tonne of lead right in the belly.
13:18Ah, fantastic.
13:22You know something, Miss?
13:24You're what I call a real woman.
13:26Why, thank you.
13:28See you in class, then, baby.
13:33What a way to qualify as a real woman.
13:36Darling, somebody mentioned that you'd been to see Mr Potter
13:38about the new blackout curtains.
13:40Yes.
13:41Well, that really is my job, darling.
13:43I was only trying to save you the trouble.
13:45Yes, I know, but some people might construe that
13:48as you going over my head.
13:50Now, I don't, but some people might.
13:53Oh, Bambi's in one of his moods.
13:55Now, look, stop that.
13:56You didn't say that last night.
13:58No, I didn't.
13:59No, no, that's not the point.
14:01Now, this, this is official, darling.
14:03You must understand that there are certain
14:05stratae of authority...
14:06Yes, stratae.
14:07Thank you, and shut up.
14:09Now, look, those curtains are my job.
14:11All right, you bitch.
14:12Now, look, if you want that muscle in my cheek
14:14to start twitching again...
14:15Oh, don't get ratty, darling.
14:17I'm not ratty, darling.
14:20It's just that you must understand
14:22that this man, Potter, needs careful handling.
14:24He needs someone with experience.
14:26You mean like you, with your six weeks?
14:29It's a month and a half now, Anne.
14:31I just think it'll be better if you leave him to me, that's all.
14:34All right.
14:35All right.
14:37Here he is.
14:39If it moves, salute it.
14:40If it stands still, paint it.
14:47Hello, Potter, old chap.
14:49Painting, are we?
14:50No, I'm standing here playing the bagpipes.
14:53What?
14:54That's one back at you, isn't it?
14:56Yes, sir, fair enough, fair enough.
14:58Look, I was wondering whether you'd let me
15:00have those new blackout curtains.
15:03No.
15:04Now, don't beat about the bush.
15:05Give me a straight answer.
15:06Now, do you mind?
15:07I'm trying to demarcate my coke area.
15:09Yes, but I mean...
15:13It's people like you that slush paintings
15:16in the National Gallery.
15:18Well, I'd hardly call this a Rubens.
15:21Oh, look.
15:22It's like Victor Sylvester's dance steps, isn't it?
15:28Well, that's stupid for a start, isn't it?
15:30Because my Ruby and I are great dancers.
15:32Oh, yes, yes, we won a medal.
15:34A medal for the St Bernard's Waltz.
15:37She must have looked a bit odd
15:39waltzing round with a barrel of brandy round her neck.
15:42Excuse me.
15:44Isn't that the Africa Star ribbon?
15:47Yeah, what of it is?
15:49Just that my dad's got one.
15:51Has he?
15:52Oh.
15:53Well, what unit was he in, then?
15:557th Armoured Div.
15:57Div?
15:58Div.
15:59How do you know words like div?
16:00Raised on them.
16:01My dad was a regular soldier.
16:03Not a regular desert rat, eh?
16:06Well, now, isn't that wonderful, eh?
16:08Yes, because I was conscripted, you know.
16:10I was never regular in the desert.
16:13Must have been all the sand that got into the food, I should think.
16:16You must have some pretty manky rations out there.
16:19Manky rations?
16:21Manky rations?
16:22It's years since anyone said that to me.
16:24Manky rations, manky rations.
16:27Tell me, do you know get-your-knees-brown?
16:30Yes.
16:31Brew-ups?
16:32Jankers?
16:33Thunderboxes?
16:34Thunderboxes?
16:35Fun bits up, son.
16:36That's R.L.F.
16:37Grow Cream Boys.
16:39Well, my dear,
16:41Well, my dear,
16:42I pay you the highest compliment an old desert rat knows.
16:45You could well have been in the ATS.
16:48Thank you.
16:49Unlike some people I could mention.
16:51I should hope not.
16:53All right, my dear.
16:55You come along with me.
16:56I've got some curtains for you.
16:58Black roller windows for the use of.
17:02Marvellous.
17:03Lead on, quartermaster.
17:04Quartermaster.
17:07Tell me,
17:08did your dad ever get that gypo gut in the desert?
17:14Forces, sweetheart.
17:26Oh, I'll come back later.
17:28That's all right, Anne.
17:30Did you want to see the headmaster about something?
17:32I just wanted to arrange an outing for 5C.
17:35Brave girl.
17:37Oh, that's nice.
17:39Esprit d'amour. Would you like to try some?
17:41No, thank you.
17:42I always use Woodland Rapture.
17:45Well, you go on in.
17:47I have to see the headmaster about the revised timetable.
17:50It'll be quite a long session.
17:51Thank you.
17:57I'm not in.
17:59Headmaster.
18:00Oh, fortunate is the headmaster
18:02who finds two lovely girls waiting at his portals.
18:05Now, who's first?
18:07Or is it to be a ménage à trois?
18:10Miss Collins first. I'll wait.
18:12Oh, thank you, monsieur.
18:13Now, Miss Collins.
18:14Thank you.
18:15Oh, what a very delicious perfume.
18:17Yes, Miss Collins.
18:25No, straight up, Eric, you really are a mohair person.
18:29Yeah, not a bare bit of schmatter, is it, eh?
18:32Like the old Dickie Dirk, do you?
18:33Nice.
18:34A bit nice, more.
18:35It's all right.
18:36Yeah, well, I've come up with a Dean Martin look myself.
18:39You know, dream along with Dean Craven.
18:42Well, she likes me just the way I am.
18:44Yeah.
18:45You're all daft, if you ask me.
18:46I don't see she's worth dressing up for.
18:48Ah, you're just jealous
18:49because Privet Edges is trying to pull her.
18:51Shut up!
18:53Sam.
18:57Where's Miss Collins?
18:58Gone to see Oliver Cromwell.
18:59Mr Oliver Cromwell, the headmaster?
19:02Yeah, him.
19:05Are you getting married or something today, Duffy?
19:07No.
19:08Just feel smooth today, don't I?
19:22Please, sir, can I be excused?
19:24Yes, Dennis, you may.
19:25All right, sit down.
19:28Cor, look.
19:29Frankie's got a tattoo.
19:31Yeah, Eric done by this sailor, didn't I?
19:33Oh.
19:41Biro.
19:44Yeah, well, that's just a design.
19:46He's doing a real thing tomorrow.
19:48With his biro, presumably.
19:51Sir, are you coming on the outing?
19:53Yes, of course I am.
19:54Outing?
19:55Yeah, the one Anne's gone to see Oliver about.
19:57Miss Collins, Sharon?
19:59Yes, well, of course I...
20:01I, in fact, organised it.
20:03I thought you had.
20:04Where's it to, Dennis?
20:06Well, we'll be going to...
20:08We'll be taking the Green Line.
20:10You know very well where we're going to, Duffy.
20:15Stand, yes, yes, stand, stand.
20:18Sit down.
20:19Yes, sit down, sit down.
20:21Crack your little dress out, miss.
20:23Crack it.
20:24Thank you, Peter.
20:25Yeah, where did you get it, miss?
20:27I'll tell you later, Sharon.
20:29Miss Collins, if we might get on with some schoolwork now.
20:33I'm sorry, Mr. Hedges.
20:36You've gone over my head again, haven't you?
20:38Well, I couldn't find you.
20:40I assumed you were busy washing white paint off the soles of your shoes.
20:44Well, I wasn't.
20:45I was making a fool of myself in front of the class,
20:47talking about the outing.
20:48Why?
20:49Because I haven't the vaguest idea where the hell we're supposed to be going.
20:53Bernard, what is the matter with you?
20:55I'm just getting a little sick and tired of you trying to ingratiate yourself with everybody,
20:59particularly my class.
21:01My class, that's it, isn't it?
21:02That's right, nothing's the same anymore.
21:06You see what I mean?
21:07Hello, miss.
21:08Do you like my hair?
21:25Yes.
21:35Come in.
21:39Ah, Douglas.
21:40Oh, and with the plans for the new ATC hut, I see.
21:43What a shame the other one was burnt down.
21:45The new school timetable, actually, Headmaster.
21:48Oh, quite.
21:49Well, now, item one, clear the decks for action.
21:53Of course, I've only penciled it in,
21:56but I think you'll find that each member of the staff is accurately deployed.
22:03Yes, I'm sure I will.
22:05Um, Doris.
22:07Yes, Maurice.
22:09Have you been teaching science this morning?
22:12There's rather a nasty chemical smell in here.
22:16I see.
22:17I suppose you prefer esprit d'amour.
22:20Esprit d'amour? What is that, a film?
22:22I don't understand.
22:23No, you wouldn't.
22:24What's the matter, Doris?
22:25Don't touch me!
22:27The new timetable.
22:29That for the timetable.
22:30I'm sure you'd prefer to work it out with some other female member of the staff.
22:41Monsieur.
22:42What's the matter? Your glasses are all misted up.
22:45Nothing.
22:48Thank you.
22:50Life can be very unfair, Mr. Hedges.
22:52Yes, don't I know it.
22:54One devotes oneself to the school.
22:56Does one's best to help.
22:58Then along comes some flippity-jibbit of a student.
23:01Suddenly, experience counts for nothing.
23:04Yes, exactly, and why?
23:05Because she leaves all the spade work to us older teachers
23:08and reaps all the gimmicky glory herself.
23:10Gimmicky? The very word for her.
23:12Yes, you know, she had the nerve to call me jealous.
23:17Absurd.
23:18As if either you or I would be jealous of her.
23:21Bernard.
23:24Yes, on the nail, Doris.
23:27Look, how about skipping school lunch?
23:31Fancy popping over the road for a bite to eat?
23:34Why not?
23:36Let's go over the road for lunch.
23:39We'll have a drink as well.
23:41Are you coming for lunch, Hedges?
23:43No, thanks. I'm taking Doris over the road for a bite to eat and a pint.
23:46Oh, I see, I see.
23:48Doris?
23:50Bloody hell.
24:17La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
24:28Timetable, he calls it, more like a bloody snakes and ladders board.
24:32Look, Miss Youwell, I don't know why you left it with the headmaster for the first time in ten years,
24:35but can't you put it right and then tell him it was his idea?
24:38No, I can't. I'm making up for all the tea breaks I missed on his behalf.
24:42Well, something's got to be done.
24:44According to this, I'm supposed to be down the bath with 2B and in the physics lab with 4A at the same time.
24:49What am I supposed to do? Split myself in half?
24:56What are you supposed to be, Smithy, the man in the iron mask?
24:59Oh, I'm down to take metalwork.
25:01What?
25:02I'm down to take metalwork.
25:04You'll have to lift your hatch. I can't hear what you're talking about.
25:07I think I'm down to take metalwork.
25:10It's quite absurd. I don't know anything about spot welding.
25:15I can't swim and I'm supposed to be down the bath.
25:18Look, you don't have to wear this born dumb until you take the class.
25:21Come on, sit down here.
25:25I just want to get used to it.
25:27It's very claustrophobic inside there.
25:30I wouldn't like to show signs of panic in front of the children.
25:33I don't see why not. Everybody else is.
25:37I've never seen Doris withholding her labour before.
25:40I don't know. It beats me.
25:43Come on, miss, you will stop acting like a woman and sort this lot out.
25:48Any more tea in the pot?
25:53I think this new timetable's great. We've never had mixed games before.
25:57We're not going to finish any now.
25:59Never mind, Shar. You can be team leader if you like.
26:02Right up the front and in one. Touch your toes.
26:05Two touch your toes.
26:07Sexy maniac.
26:09Well, I'm not sure I like it.
26:11I don't think Monsignor Sopwood would approve.
26:13Well, he ain't coming down here in his Vickers shorts, is he?
26:16They don't have shorts.
26:18I expect they wear like little mini surpluses when they do, Jim.
26:21I've got shorts.
26:24My dad nipped them from the army for me.
26:26Very nice, Judy.
26:28Keep your knees nice and warm.
26:30Want to see my frog, Maureen?
26:32Oh, Dennis, you never got a frog down there.
26:35No, this frog I do.
26:37Look.
26:39Croak, croak.
26:41Croak, croak.
26:43That's childish, that is.
26:45Pardon?
26:46No, I mean, great, Eric. Great.
26:48Croak, croak.
26:50Croak, croak.
26:52Croak.
26:53Dennis, Dennis. What are you doing?
26:55I'm showing me frog to Maureen.
26:58All right, yes.
27:03Now, look, I know you're all vitally interested in Shakespeare in modern dress,
27:06but we will not be doing Romeo and Juliet in P.T. kit.
27:09Now, what's the meaning of it?
27:11It's a P.T. period, isn't it? It's on a new timetable.
27:14What new timetable?
27:16Don't tell me the one Miss Collins has got.
27:18I'm sure she'll give you one if you ask her nicely, sir.
27:20I'm bigger than you are, Craven, so watch it.
27:23All right.
27:26If it's P.T., get down to the gym.
27:28Anne told us to stay here, sir.
27:31Pardon?
27:32Who?
27:34Anne, Miss Collins, your girlfriend.
27:37Yes, well, not any more.
27:39All right, all right. I don't care what she said.
27:42Get down to the gym.
27:43Oh, come on.
27:50Come on, Maureen, come along.
27:56Come on.
28:00Bloody students. Bloody women.
28:03Bernard, why don't you send my kids down to the gym?
28:06Your kids?
28:08My kids?
28:10Oh, so you've adopted them.
28:14Now, look, my girl,
28:16I'm not above tanning your backside.
28:19Just you try.
28:21Right.
28:22Bernard, let me...
28:24Bernard!
28:26Out, out.
28:28No, I mean, come back in here.
28:30Make your mind up.
28:32All right, sit down. Come on, quickly.
28:41Right, Miss Collins, now,
28:44I sent our children down to the gymnasium
28:47because in my old-fashioned way
28:49I assumed that that is where they would be doing gym.
28:52Yes, but thanks to this new timetable,
28:54there are three classes there already, Mr Hedges.
28:58Right, yes, good.
29:00Well, this is what we'll do.
29:03Why don't I take the boys for football
29:05and you take the girls for netball?
29:07Well, since you're the only one not changed,
29:09why don't I take them all for netball?
29:13You're joking?
29:15Boys like Jaffey playing netball?
29:17You don't understand these kids at all, do you?
29:21Well, let me ask them.
29:23Go on, make a fool of yourself.
29:26Come on, girls.
29:27And any of the boys who would like to play mixed netball with us,
29:30follow me.
29:37I'll stay if you like, sir.
29:40No, you go on, Maureen.
29:45Oh, hello, Doreen.
29:47Maureen!
29:49Hedges, are you free?
29:51I'm superfluous.
29:53I wonder if you could take 3B for me?
29:57Yes, what for? Needlework?
30:00No, no, no, no, no, cookery.
30:15I am not going in that water and that's flat.
30:18I'll just chuck them in and hold them under with a long pole.
30:26I am learning to swim. What are you doing, the rumba?
30:30I felt stupid in front of those 12-year-olds.
30:33Oh, why is that, boy? Why is that?
30:35Well, I've got my whisk all chaffled up in my pinny.
30:40Oh, Philip Harbourn would love you.
30:43Yeah, well, look, it could have happened to anybody.
30:46I was doing all right as well. I got it in the bowl all right,
30:50and then I switched it on,
30:52and the damn thing went berserk, jumped out and attacked my pinny.
30:58Well, perhaps somebody hotted up your engine.
31:01I looked back, instead of standing there like a bloody windmill.
31:04Well, it might help if you removed your pinny.
31:07Yes, I suppose so.
31:08That you have it on in the first place has me very curious.
31:12Look, if Cromwell does the timetable,
31:14there's nothing curious about an English master taking third-form cookery.
31:18Looks as if we're both the victims of our headmaster's mental aberrations, doesn't it?
31:27Well, what's he got you on then, yoga?
31:30Or swimming, and if I drown, I'm suing him.
31:34I thought it would be easy.
31:36You know, I thought I'd teach him how to boil an egg or something.
31:39All this wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for Little Miss Know-It-All.
31:42Are you blaming her for everything all of a sudden?
31:44Well, look, I've done a lot of work with 5C this term,
31:46and along she comes, and bang, you can't move for halos.
31:49Ah, use your brains, boy.
31:51It's just a novelty.
31:53All the boys fancy her, right?
31:55Yes, well, I'd be surprised if they didn't.
31:57And the girls like her because she's young and a bit of a dolly?
31:59All except Maureen, yeah.
32:00Well, that's it, then.
32:02By the time she's been here a couple of weeks,
32:04they'll be driving her mad like they do everybody else.
32:07Maybe.
32:08Well, I'm going anyway.
32:09Oh?
32:10Butter your seed cake?
32:12I am going to organise my class.
32:14I will not do the cookery.
32:15She can do it.
32:16It's not manly.
32:17Well, what are you swapping it for, then?
32:20Netball.
32:22Oh, netball.
32:23One, two, three.
32:24There's manly.
32:32More money out of the red bear's pocket?
32:34I don't know.
32:35Still, if they will smudge my demarcation line.
32:39Watch it. Now, watch it. Watch it.
32:44Ah, yes.
32:45Oh, if you pay for anything, yes.
32:47I've always wanted to have a bachelor's degree.
32:49Oh, Miss Collins.
32:51Sorry.
32:52I'm so sorry about that.
32:53Well, accidents will happen, you know.
32:55Yes.
32:56Well, there you are, Sonny Jim.
32:58There's your ball of the back.
32:59Thank you, Uncle Norman.
33:00Thank you.
33:01Thanks, Mr Potter.
33:02Oh, Miss Collins, before you go,
33:06I've looked at a couple of photos of my Middle East area.
33:09I wonder if you could have a look at them.
33:11I won't take a jiffy, you know.
33:12Well, yes. All right. Just a moment.
33:13You'd like to, would you? Good. I'm glad.
33:14Go on down to the netball court and pick up sides.
33:17I'll be with you in a moment.
33:19Ah, there you are, Miss Collins.
33:20Now, here we are.
33:21You see, here we are.
33:22Now, this is my favourite.
33:23Now, you see, that's me there
33:24with General Fee Marshall Montgomery.
33:27Or Monty, as I call him, you know.
33:29Oh, really?
33:30Yes, there we are. You see?
33:31Look.
33:32I can see Monty,
33:34but which one is you?
33:35Well, I'm there, next to Banger King.
33:38Oh, yes.
33:40I didn't recognise you in the suntan.
33:43Oh, it does funny things, doesn't it, in the suntan, yeah.
33:45Now, yeah, this is rather nice.
33:46You'll like this, because this is with old Archie Waverly.
33:48Miss Collins,
33:49if I might drag you away from Cecil Beaton
33:52and his collection for a second.
33:53What have I done now?
33:54Well, look, Cromwell has stuck me with a cookery class,
33:57so why don't I take the kids for netball?
33:59At least nobody gets poisoned that way.
34:01As you wish.
34:02As you wish.
34:03You're in charge, as you will keep pointing out.
34:05Now, look.
34:06What are you doing here, anyway?
34:07You're supposed to be in charge of that class.
34:09Now, you're responsible if...
34:11Oh, look out!
34:12All right, all right, Maureen.
34:14What is it?
34:15It's Frank Abbott, sir.
34:16He's fallen over.
34:17I think his arm's broke.
34:18Oh, no, Colin.
34:19What are we going to do?
34:20Don't flap for a start.
34:21Oh, come on.
34:22All right.
34:23All right, Abbott.
34:24Let me have a look at it.
34:25I haven't touched you yet.
34:26I just want to see.
34:27He did go down with a bang, Chief.
34:29All right.
34:30Go and get an ambulance, quickly.
34:31Go on, go on.
34:32Do you know anything about first aid, Potter?
34:33First aid?
34:34Good Lord, I was in the desert all night.
34:35Oh, Eric.
34:36Eric.
34:37I can feel the bones grating together.
34:39Oh, dear.
34:43Shannon, go and get Mrs. Potter, will you?
34:53Anne.
34:54Anne, what are you doing?
34:55I'm going to see the head, Bernard.
34:56I've got to tell him it was all my fault.
34:58Look, you won't know.
34:59Look, Bernard.
35:00It's a basic rule, isn't it?
35:01Always supervise kids doing PT.
35:03Now, if Abbott's arm is broken and the parents make a case of it,
35:06I'm the one to take the blame.
35:07Now, look, they'll crucify you as a student.
35:09I'll take the blame.
35:10Look.
35:11I should have been in charge.
35:12What will they do to you?
35:13I don't know, but it won't take long to find out.
35:15Anyway, you're not going in there, and that's flat.
35:17What shall I do?
35:18Go and see if Potter's come out of his coma yet.
35:20Go on.
35:25Come.
35:27Sir?
35:33What's up?
35:34I'm pacing Hedges.
35:35There may be repercussions.
35:36Bang, bang.
35:37Well, if there are, sir, I'm the one to take the blame.
35:40Oh, no, no, no, no.
35:41I'm not looking for a scapegoat.
35:42No, no, no.
35:43Oh, your fault, was it?
35:44Hedges' fault.
35:45Yes, sir.
35:46What do you think it'll be, sir?
35:47A sack or a posting to the Outer Hebrides?
35:50Neither.
35:51I shall take full responsibility.
35:53No, no, no.
35:54I am not looking for a scapegoat.
35:56Doris' fault.
35:57Yes.
35:58If I hadn't behaved like a silly girl,
36:00the timetable would never have created the situation in the first place.
36:03Now, now, look, Doris.
36:04You've got a lot more to lose than I have.
36:06Here come.
36:08Ah, Potter.
36:11Sir, I've come to tell you, sir,
36:13that I have besmirched my GLC badge, sir.
36:17Well, this is hardly the time to ask for another one, Potter.
36:20No, what I mean is that the lack of supervision at the time of the accident was my fault, you see.
36:25I kept Miss Colley's talking, sir.
36:27Potter, you're human.
36:29At the risk of sounding like a gramophone record, I must repeat,
36:32I am not looking for a scapegoat.
36:34Potter's fault.
36:36Now, look, sir, I'm the scapegoat you're not looking for.
36:38Look, sir, I have photographic evidence.
36:39I can prove that.
36:40I must insist it was my fault, sir.
36:43Field Street School.
36:45Oh, yes.
36:47Yes.
36:49Thank goodness.
36:51Thank you for ringing.
36:53Goodbye.
36:55Hospital.
36:56No repercussions, I think.
36:58The stupid boy has only got cuts and abrasions.
37:00And a great future as an actor.
37:02Now, I want you all to know that had there been any trouble,
37:05I would have taken it all on my shoulders.
37:07Of course you would, Headmaster.
37:09Do you think I don't know that, sir?
37:11No.
37:14Hedges?
37:16I didn't speak, sir.
37:18Oh.
37:19Well, I must go and find Miss Collins.
37:21She'll be very relieved to hear that nothing's going to happen.
37:23I'll go, Miss York.
37:24No, leave it to me, Miss York.
37:25I mean, after all, this is my job.
37:27It's my bird.
37:28Um, student.
37:37Oh, look, someone's bound to find us an aerial knickers.
37:40The whole school's in a shambles today.
37:42No-one knows where we are.
37:43Keep the blinds down, the lights out.
37:45Probably have a kip down the rest of the afternoon.
37:47Well, if we are, I'm kipping alone.
37:49Oh, yes.
37:50Oh, I wonder how poor Frankie is.
37:52Oh, forget it, Moore.
37:53He's probably got the nurses of mine, his tattoo, been out.
37:56Remember, whatever you do, do it quiet.
37:59Lights down.
38:05Hush.
38:06Not a word to Mary.
38:13Oh, Bernard.
38:19Something awful's happened.
38:21I can see it in your face.
38:23No, not awful.
38:25Well, not really awful.
38:28Oh, my brave bandit.
38:33I never really wanted to be headmaster, anyway.
38:35What have they done to you?
38:37Just some silly report that will go on my permanent record.
38:41You did it all for me?
38:43Well, for the right reasons, darling.
38:45How can I ever thank you?
38:51Bernard, we're in school.
38:53Yeah.
38:55There's no-one in here.
39:04Is this what they call cooperation between members of the staff?
39:07Mm.
39:09I say, that's appropriate.
39:10You've got your games kit on.
39:12Bernard!
39:14Now, listen.
39:16Hooray!
39:39Hooray!
40:09Hooray!
40:10Hooray!