Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:30Oh my god, have you seen what's in it?
01:00I reckon they're daft making us come in the last week of term.
01:04They'd much better give us a time off.
01:06They're in training for the old Christmas gut-back.
01:08We did have that wonderful conjuring-y'all on Tuesday, Eric.
01:11It was half-cut, if you ask me.
01:13Same as last year.
01:14Yeah, weren't a real pigeon he had, you know.
01:16He just kept moving his head with his finger to make us think it was.
01:20Yeah, we give him the bird back, don't we, eh?
01:23I liked it when the firstformers did their nativity play.
01:26I had a little cry.
01:28Remember when we was firstformers, Ma?
01:31Yeah.
01:32And I was the Virgin Mary.
01:33About the only year you could have been, weren't it?
01:35How would you know, Abbott?
01:37You never got past toy soldiers.
01:39They ain't toys.
01:41They're actual models.
01:42Where's your real Christmas?
01:44I mean, you know that Joseph's really only that little kid from 1B with spots.
01:48When he's up there on the stage in his little white robes,
01:51will you forget the spots?
01:53Because they're little kids, though, Ma.
01:59How's about that for a Christmas message, then?
02:01Oh, Peter!
02:02He's got a shock of his life, he comes down here to him.
02:05He finds her awake in her red flannel nightie.
02:09Aye, aye, things are warming up.
02:11Get out of here for some now.
02:12Yeah, privy edgies, that's who.
02:14Oh, yes.
02:16Yeah, catch Frank the Abbott crawling into any teacher.
02:19Oh, well.
02:20You're a hard man, aren't you, eh?
02:22Exactly, Eric.
02:24Well?
02:26Have a fag.
02:27Sir.
02:29That's fun.
02:30Like me, baby.
02:37I hope you enjoy it.
02:38What are you doing, Eric?
02:39It should be nice and...
02:45What's he trying to do?
02:46Do you think of me?
02:47I just want to see it a bit work, that's all.
02:49Well, there you are.
02:50Well, there you are.
02:51Had a little fag explode as you get down a joke shop.
02:54Never know, more coming useful, eh?
02:57Are you ready, Mo?
02:58Pucker up, here comes your dream boat.
03:00Aye, aye.
03:03Morning.
03:07Morning, Maureen.
03:09Oh.
03:11Right, yes.
03:14Who wrote that?
03:15Michelle.
03:17Ask a silly question.
03:18Clean the blackboard, will you, please, Maureen?
03:25I'm going to miss you a lot during the holidays.
03:27Oh.
03:28Anything you fancy for Christmas, sir?
03:31I think I'll just settle for a two pound jar of sleeping tablets, Shannon.
03:34Well, you certainly believe in a big finish to the term, don't you?
03:37I do believe you've just got your second wind.
03:39Only childish exuberance, isn't it?
03:41Eh, we're just relaxing like after all the intellectual rigours you put us through.
03:46I wish you'd use phrases like that in your English essay, Duffy.
03:50Oh, I can see you, sir.
03:53Well done, Maureen, yes.
03:55Yeah, with a cigar, I mean, after your Christmas dinner.
03:58I think it's ever so manly.
04:00No, no, no, this is a present, actually.
04:03Oh, that's very kind of you, Chief.
04:06No, they're for Mr Potter.
04:08Eh? You're always calling each other names.
04:11Yes, well, the season of goodwill, Dennis.
04:14Mr Edgars, I've just had about enough of you.
04:17I see what I mean.
04:19Eh, well, Mr Potter.
04:21Is that your car in my playground?
04:23Yes, it is.
04:24Oh, mobile, are we?
04:25It gets me away quicker from you lot, Duffy.
04:28Well, Mr Potter, is tax then insured?
04:30It is parked directly over my manhole cover.
04:34Now, what would have happened?
04:35I say, what would have happened if I'd been down there?
04:38Well, now, look, if I'd have thought there was any possibility of that, Mr Potter,
04:42I'd have brought a steamroller to school and left it there over the weekend.
04:47And to think that I've tried to act like an older brother to you during your first term.
04:52Well, it's not a very good act, Mr Potter. It comes over more like a wicked uncle.
04:56Do you know what I'm going to do now?
04:57We can always hope.
05:01I'm going to put your car up against the wall.
05:04Without your permission.
05:06What are you going to do then? Shoot it?
05:08I wonder with such naughty children, we're surrounded by grown-ups rowing all the time.
05:13I sometimes wonder if you were ever a child, Duffy.
05:16Now, look, I'm not going to ask you to work on the last day of term.
05:20But whatever evil you get up to, make it quiet evil, will you?
05:23I've got to go next door and finish off your reports,
05:25and I'll let a bit of peace and quiet to work out enough adjectives to describe you lot.
05:29So, carry on while I'm gone.
05:30You're trusting us again, aren't you, sir?
05:33No, I'm not, Craven.
05:34I shall be next door, listening.
05:36I bet you're going to smoke them cigars yourself now, aren't you, sir?
05:39I'll just wait for a better time, Dennis.
05:41No time like the present, I always say.
05:44Yes. All right, well, carry on.
05:52Ah!
05:55Yeah, work well, them little fag exploders.
05:59Who don't work on cigars, huh?
06:02Who don't work on cigars, huh?
06:10Right on, sonny.
06:25I saw who it was.
06:27What?
06:30Oh, look at that, look at it.
06:32Oh, damn kids.
06:34Little balloons.
06:35Round the world in 80 days, Potter.
06:37Oh, very witty, sir.
06:39Pardon?
06:40But the balloon, Jules Verne, you know, or was it H.G. Wells?
06:43Ah, well, no, son, it's just a humble little gift, sir, for one of our little ones.
06:48Oh, Potter, Potter, you try to hide it, but you do love those children, don't you?
06:53Oh, yes, I do indeed, sir, yes, deeply.
06:56Um, Potter.
06:58Yes, sir?
07:00You can tell me, you know.
07:02Oh, can I, sir? Thank you, sir.
07:04I won't tell them that you told me.
07:06No, of course you won't, sir, no.
07:09What is it you want me to tell you, sir?
07:11Oh, you old tease.
07:13What the staff have given me for Christmas, of course.
07:16Ah, for Christmas, sir, ah, yes, yes, ah, yes.
07:19Well, now, I'm not going to tell you, sir.
07:21I know, but I'm not telling you.
07:23I know what they've bought for you.
07:25Oh, what, sir, what?
07:26I'm not telling you.
07:28Oh, well, I'll tell you, Headmaster.
07:30No, no, look, I'll tell you first, if you'll tell me that.
07:33No, no, I ask first.
07:37Uh, sir.
07:39They have got me something, haven't they?
07:41Oh, yes, yes, of course, Potter.
07:43Oh, Potter.
07:44Yes, sir?
07:45They have got me something, have they?
07:47Well, uh...
07:53Do you know something, Hedges?
07:54I've been incarcerated in Fenstreet for the past 80 years.
07:57And every Christmas, we do give these confiscated weapons back.
08:00And every Christmas, we do give old Oliver Cromwell
08:02one of these rubber plant horrors.
08:04Dead inventive, isn't it?
08:05Well, he can always grow his own garters when he retires.
08:08Oh, well, he's got a bumper crop off that one.
08:10It is enormous, isn't it?
08:13You'd better carry on without me, Carruthers.
08:15I've been struck down, and I'll cuckoo you hiccups.
08:17You'd better leave that plant alone,
08:19or you'll get struck down by Doris Rotten, you will.
08:21We didn't in 1953, you know.
08:23Hello, Rick Van Winkle's woken up.
08:26Didn't what, Smithy?
08:28Didn't give the headmaster a rubber plant.
08:31Oh.
08:32You know, I love the way the handles fold in.
08:39Yes, it has been a long term, hasn't it?
08:41No, no, no, no.
08:42My mistins.
08:43Oh.
08:44One for Madge, and one for Osborne.
08:46Who the hell is Osborne?
08:47Me.
08:48Osborne.
08:49Unusual name, that.
08:50Still, you and your wife can always have a brew up
08:52on one of your country rambles, eh, Smithy?
08:54Present, were they?
08:55Indeed, yes.
08:56From my foreman.
08:57Most touching.
08:58Young Khan made a very moving little speech.
09:01At least, I assume it was very moving.
09:03Most of it seemed to be in Urdu or something.
09:06My lot gave me this.
09:08Oh, really?
09:09Oh, now, that's nice.
09:10That really is nice.
09:12Always assuming they haven't put arsenic in your doddle trap.
09:15Oh, they wouldn't do that.
09:16They love me too much.
09:18Anyway, I've got the keys to the poison cupboard.
09:20Well, my foreman hasn't given me my present yet.
09:22Still, there's the rest of the day.
09:26Oh.
09:27What, 5C gave a teacher a present?
09:28Never.
09:29They gave Marguerite Blakesley a present when they were 3C.
09:33Aye, a frog.
09:34Yes.
09:35She fainted?
09:37Yes.
09:38Well, I'll go so far as to say this.
09:40I hope I don't get a present from 5C.
09:42Must have cost them a few bob, you know.
09:44I mean, it would be very nice.
09:46But what I consider a present is any respect or affection they might have for me as a teacher.
09:51Miss Ewell's class gave her a large bottle of Woodland Rapture.
09:55Oh, really?
09:57Not that I'd actually refuse a present if they gave me one, that is.
10:00But I'm not particularly bothered either way.
10:02I mean, I want to make that clear.
10:04Quite clear.
10:052B gave Mary Brown a really lovely silk scarf.
10:08Shut up about the presents, will you?
10:10Yes.
10:11You're being deliberately unkind, Bryson.
10:13You know, I love the way they fit together.
10:16Oh, shut up.
10:17Oh, come on now, Farhani.
10:18Forget it, boy.
10:19Drink your tea.
10:20Tea?
10:21I took a real well scotch on him, boy.
10:23Oh, come on, Smithy.
10:24I'm going to christen my mistins with mine.
10:26Is he steady?
10:28Look, boy, if it means a lot to you, I'll tell the rest of the staff that 5C gave you a present.
10:32No, thanks, Bryce.
10:33I don't mind facing up to the truth.
10:35Oh, he's off again.
10:36What is it now?
10:37George Washington now, is it?
10:38Yes.
10:40Yes, I cannot tell a lie, Dorries.
10:42It was I that chopped your rubber tree down with my little hatchet.
10:47Mr. Higgins!
11:02Timber!
11:05I'm speechless.
11:07I'm speechless.
11:08I've never in all my life witnessed such a flagrant example of wanton vandalism.
11:14How dare you bring the destructive thuggery of 5C into my staff room?
11:18How dare you flaunt your personal instability and destroy a present for one of the finest headmasters in London?
11:23Oh, is she speechless?
11:28Yes, I'm terribly sorry, monsieur, but it's not really...
11:31It's just a bit bent.
11:34No, it's not bent, is it?
11:36Yes, well, I'll buy another one, of course.
11:39Four guineas at Grant and Taylor's.
11:41Four guineas?
11:43Including the pot.
11:44And make sure we have it in time for the presentation at the Feathers at lunchtime.
11:48Oh, we go over there for a few beers at Christmas, don't we?
11:51We have a staff luncheon, not a navvy's booze-up.
11:55Really, Mr. Hedges, your first day was a series of disasters.
11:59You seem determined to end the term on the same note.
12:03Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
12:08Go on, boy, go on, go on, go on.
12:13Can I borrow your mess tin, Smithy?
12:15What for, old man?
12:16I think I'll be having my Christmas lunch on the common.
12:24Oh, look!
12:25Get out of me, get out of me.
12:26Oh, look, Santa Claus has covered his sack of toys.
12:29It's not toys you need, sonny.
12:31It's two years under a good regiment of Sergeant Major.
12:33Now, now, then.
12:34Make love, not war, Potter.
12:38Ruby and I managed to build both in 1942.
12:44Think they can put one over on one of Monty's old lads, do they?
12:48They should have been like me, up to their ears in sand every day.
12:53Oh, here we go again.
12:59Oh, look at that.
13:01Booby, booby trap.
13:03Mr. Potter, Mr. Potter, what are you doing?
13:05I'm trying to get through the last day of term without going mad.
13:07Look at that, look at it, look, look.
13:08Yes, I know the feeling.
13:09Well, come here.
13:10Why?
13:11I just want to unglue you, that's all.
13:13Eh?
13:14Come on.
13:15Well, let go.
13:16Well, do I have to let go?
13:17In case I let it go, eh?
13:22Hang on to that a second, would you?
13:24No.
13:26By the way, there is something else.
13:28Yes, I thought you'd have a motive for assisting me.
13:30I just want to give you something, that's all.
13:32You touch me just once, that's all.
13:34Go, go, go, go.
13:36Merry Christmas.
13:39What, from me?
13:41From you?
13:43Well, it's not unheard of at this time of year, is it?
13:49I haven't got anything for you, you know.
13:52I haven't got anything for you, you know.
13:55Join the club.
13:56Yeah, well, don't smoke them all at once.
13:59But why?
14:01Well, look, I know we've done nothing but row ever since I've been here,
14:04but I really do appreciate all the work.
14:06You do, you know?
14:13Er, Sturges.
14:14Yes, Mr. Potter.
14:15Well, seeing as how I haven't got you anything,
14:19you can move your car back over my manhole cover, if you like.
14:26Thanks very much.
14:49Thank you.
14:57Now, now, now.
14:58It's all right, mate, but this is a special present.
15:01Yeah, we ain't short of a few, Bob.
15:03We collected over six quid.
15:05But haven't you got anything in pure merino?
15:07And this other stuff's all right.
15:09But it tends to go saggy at the waist, doesn't it, Sian?
15:11Yeah, and it cuffs.
15:12Come on, we want to give it to him for Christmas, not Easter.
15:15I know.
15:19Thank you.
15:39And so, once more, at the end of term,
15:43I find myself repeating the words of the psalmist,
15:46and my staff, they comfort me.
15:50And in conclusion, I can think of no better axiom
15:53than something my old headmaster said to me,
15:56M. V. Standish, when I was leaving school.
15:59Cromwell, he said, Cromwell...
16:03Doris?
16:04Cobblers, headmaster.
16:07Oh, yes, yes, yes.
16:10Yes, Cobblers, he said.
16:12Cobblers make shoes.
16:14Politicians make wind.
16:16But teachers, teachers make people.
16:19Beautiful, beautiful.
16:22Indicating points of equal temperature of the earth.
16:26I beg your pardon.
16:27And now I am going to take liberty with M. V. Standish.
16:30I am going to add that here in Fen Street,
16:33we could not make the people we do make,
16:36were it not for the untiring loyalty of Mr. Potter.
16:40No, no, no, no.
16:41If I may be permitted, of our Norman...
16:47Thank you.
16:48Well, headmaster, ladies and gentlemen.
16:51Well, you know me, I'm a quiet sort of a chap.
16:54So, like the headmaster, I can think of no better axiom
16:58than something that was said to me when I was at Desert Rats
17:02by my old friend, Bangor Key.
17:05Pothead, he said.
17:06Pothead, he said.
17:07That was an affectionate little nickname all the lads had for me.
17:11Pothead, he said.
17:12If you fell into a great lode of...
17:15Oh.
17:17Yes, well, anyway, I know it ended up,
17:19you'd come off smelling of roast.
17:23And that's what I've done today, with this lovely...
17:27I thought we were giving you a bottle opener.
17:30What now do you think that is?
17:32This lovely thing.
17:33A present.
17:34Yes, that's it, a present.
17:35So, thank you all very much indeed.
17:37Thank you, headmaster.
17:38APPLAUSE
17:41Yes.
17:43Well...
17:45I wonder who's going to be the next lucky chap.
17:49Oh!
17:50Surprise!
17:51Surprise!
17:52Oh, sir.
17:53APPLAUSE
17:57I wanted to use my mess tins, but they wouldn't let me.
18:00I think I'll be wearing my present before very long.
18:03You mean fivesie have broken with tradition?
18:06Yes, Smithy, I'd rather think they haven't.
18:08Oh, my dear chap, I am so very pleased for you.
18:11Where do you miss the turkey, boy? You have a pork pie.
18:15And God bless everyone.
18:17Except Tiny Tim.
18:20By the way, Mr Hedges, I've saved you a tidbit.
18:24Is it a bit of Christmas pudding, is it?
18:26No.
18:27Good news.
18:28Mr Wiggins will be rejoining us next term.
18:31Oh, will he?
18:32You remember? Five-C's original form master.
18:35Oh, good, his broken leg must have healed then.
18:37Aye, but his mind hasn't if he's coming back to that one.
18:41I've decided, or rather, the headmaster and I have decided
18:44that despite several falls from grace,
18:47you've done well enough to earn a transfer to a less exhausting form.
18:51Well, thank you very much, but I'm not sure that...
18:55I'm not sure that...
18:56Is Mr Hedges in the bar?
18:58Yes, that's me.
18:59A tray of drinks sent in from the public.
19:02Well, I think if the ladies don't mind,
19:04a cigar would be rather nice at this junction.
19:07Oh, a cigar.
19:10That's it, as we're nice. Who are they from?
19:12Some mates of yours in the public.
19:14Oh.
19:18What are you doing here?
19:20Jugging it up, aren't we, huh?
19:22I'm going on shorts in a minute.
19:24But you're children.
19:26No, no, you're not children.
19:28But you're too young to buy drinks.
19:30I'm not buying.
19:31No, we keep asking people to go and get them for us.
19:34Well, I haven't seen you.
19:36Yes, you have, sir.
19:37It's all right, sir.
19:38We won't have a split on you.
19:40You won't split on me.
19:43Who is our benefactor, Mr Hedges?
19:45Duffy.
19:46Mr Duffy, Mr Duffy, parents, yes.
19:48Oh, please, thank him for us, Hedges.
19:50Yes, sir, yes, indeed, sir.
19:51Thank you very much for the drinks, Mr Duffy.
19:54Miss Yule is on white wine, isn't she?
19:57Yes.
19:58Yes, I think so.
19:59Drink up and get out of here.
20:00Well, thanks very much.
20:01A pity you've got to fly.
20:03Thank you.
20:05Miss Yule will fly when she drinks that lot.
20:08I think once a wife doesn't drink himself.
20:10Oh, it is, especially when it's eight parts vodka.
20:15What a pity, Hedges, that Mr Duffy couldn't join us here.
20:18Oh, yes, isn't it?
20:20Well, a toast, I think,
20:23to the underpaid, overworked and underprivileged us.
20:27Us.
20:28Us.
20:33Oh, my word.
20:35What a pity he can't wine.
20:57HE COUGHS
21:28HE SIGHS
21:42Ah, stupid practical jokes.
21:45Stupid exploding cigars.
21:48Ah, he should have been in the desert.
21:50He'd have seen some right explosions there.
21:52Get out of here.
21:55All right, Constable, grab him.
21:57Oh, it's you, is it?
21:59You know what I'm doing?
22:01Trying to strain your back, I think.
22:03Wrong. I'm taking back my present.
22:05You didn't give me that car.
22:07I mean I'm rescinding your right
22:10to place it over my manhole cover.
22:13You and your exploding cigars.
22:15Look, I didn't fix them.
22:17I'm hardly likely to have had one myself, am I?
22:19The Japs did.
22:21What, used exploding cigars?
22:23No, on suicide pilots.
22:25Same principle.
22:27Potter, you are unique.
22:29Think I don't know that?
22:32I tell you something, though, you're running a bit of a risk
22:34going anywhere near that car.
22:36Are you offering me physical violence, are you?
22:38No, no, no, but that car's burglar alarmed.
22:40You touch those handles without a key
22:42and you're liable to get a rather nasty electric shock.
22:45Burglar alarms don't work like that.
22:47Well-known fact, that is.
22:49Course it is.
22:51Burglar alarms.
22:53Silly.
22:59133!
23:01134!
23:04135!
23:07Oh, mate, I must be out of condition.
23:09That's too short of a record.
23:11Perhaps they counted slow.
23:13Well, I done 238 last Christmas.
23:15Who with?
23:17Your teddy bear.
23:19He's got to be the proper tart.
23:21Come on, then, hot lips, let's see you in action.
23:24No, well, I don't want to jump the queue, do I?
23:26It's your turn.
23:27No, it ain't, it's Peter's.
23:29I've had my whack.
23:30In the street, I ask you, I've never been so embarrassed.
23:33I've never seen this hotluffer come along.
23:37Darling, who's next, eh?
23:41Oh, my God!
23:44Been playing Pete behind the curtain, have you?
23:48And now we've been doing records.
23:50Oh, well.
23:52A little music at the end of term.
23:54Why not?
23:56We should have given her another.
23:58She'd be doing her knees up by now.
24:00Well, now, I have some news for you.
24:04Oh, boy, oh, boy.
24:06Mr Femur's Wiggins is...
24:09Mr Femur's Wiggins is...
24:14Mr Wiggins' femur is mended.
24:17And he'll be back next term.
24:19I don't like him, he throws ball drubbers at you.
24:22Be quiet, whoever said that.
24:25Who's he taking, then, miss?
24:27You, of course.
24:285C.
24:30What about Mr Hedges?
24:31Yeah, he's our foremaster.
24:33He doesn't throw ball drubbers at you.
24:35I find it hard to imagine
24:37that Mr Hedges would be anything but delighted
24:40at the thought of taking another form.
24:42Merry Christmas.
24:50Privy to give us up, then?
24:52Just like that?
24:53I thought he liked us.
24:55Put it on, don't I, teachers?
24:58Bleedin' snide.
25:03I know why he wants to move.
25:05Have you heard something we haven't, Frankie?
25:07Nah, it's me, innit?
25:09I put the wind up him.
25:10Oh, shut up!
25:15There he is, the great mesmer.
25:18I told you not to have that extra pint.
25:20Well, let's face it, boy,
25:21if you manage to wangle a present out of 5C,
25:23you must be a bloody magician.
25:25Smithy told you, did he?
25:26Marvellous, isn't it?
25:27No, miraculous.
25:28Well, that's two presents you got, then, isn't it?
25:30One from 5C and one from Doris Rotten-Newell.
25:32Oh, God, don't tell her she kisses us as well.
25:34No, I mean, you'll be relieved by Wiggins next term.
25:36Ah, well, now, that's just the point.
25:37I mean, if Duffy hadn't brought those drinks in,
25:39I'd have told her then.
25:40I don't want, really.
25:41I mean, I want to have them next term.
25:43Oh, Lord save us.
25:45The English really are mud.
25:47Yes, maybe,
25:48but we'll beat you at Cardiff Arms Park next year.
25:50Ah, yeah, but you can't take your liquor like us, can you?
25:53Eh?
25:54Well, that's cos your national emblem is a leek.
25:57LAUGHTER
26:02Hello, you lot.
26:11All right, stand up.
26:22HE GRUNTS
26:28Sit down.
26:42I see.
26:44You're reminding me of what it was like on the first day of term, eh?
26:47Well, we can laugh about that now, can't we?
26:49HE LAUGHS
26:51LAUGHTER
26:56Look, what is all this?
26:59I know.
27:01You've set a booby trap for me, haven't you?
27:03That's it, a booby trap.
27:06Childish, innit?
27:14Look, what's all this about?
27:17Abbott?
27:18Nothing.
27:21Craven?
27:22Don't look at me.
27:25Maureen?
27:26No.
27:28Come on, Maureen, you can tell me. What is it?
27:31Just leave me alone, that's all.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:48Sharon, what's the matter with Maureen?
27:50You just made her cry, that's what's the matter.
27:53And do you mind not looking at my legs?
27:57I don't like you at all any more.
28:04Two-faced bird.
28:17Don't do that again.
28:21LAUGHTER
28:24Now, listen to me, all of you.
28:26I thought we got past this sort of thing.
28:28But if we haven't, I'm not above punishing you,
28:31even if it is the last day of term.
28:43DRAMATIC MUSIC
28:50DOOR SLAMS
28:53Come on, Doris, haven't you signed my forms yet?
28:55I want to send my mob home and catch the red dragon back to Wales.
28:58Patience, Mr Price.
29:00I'm sure they'll keep a welcome in the hillsides for you a little while longer.
29:03I say, Price, I think some of these confiscated articles are from your form.
29:07They're bound to be. It's a bloody shame we have to give them back, isn't it?
29:10We could make a bomb, you know, selling this lot to some revolutionary army.
29:14Exquisite workmanship.
29:16Probably done by some silversmith in Kathmandu.
29:20Oh, made in Birmingham.
29:24Aye, for some little assassin in 4B.
29:26You know, he had the nerve to tell me he only brought it in to sharpen his pencils with.
29:30Oh, hello, Hedges.
29:33You haven't got a luger in there, have you?
29:36Oh, not this term. Why, boy?
29:38I just prefer to be armed when I go back into my class.
29:40They've turned.
29:42They've reverted. It's like the first day of term all over again, only worse.
29:45Makes sense. I thought you said you and they were all aglow with a sort of sickly festive camaraderie.
29:50Yes, we were, but it's all gone wrong. I don't know what it is.
29:53Well, did you thank them nicely for your present?
29:55The only present I look like getting at the moment is a knife between the shoulder blades.
29:59If 5C are going on a final rampage, we'd better assemble a striking force of teachers immediately.
30:04Oh, they're not rampaging. They're just sitting there nicely and quietly
30:08and they're drumming with their fingers.
30:12Just open the door, boy. Bung in the reports and belt off home, lad.
30:16Mr. Hedges, I was going to try and overlook the fact that you tried to blind me with that explosive cigar
30:21and electrocute me as well.
30:23You're all I need.
30:24But I cannot overlook something as serious as you stealing my bird.
30:28Does your wife know about this?
30:30My turkey is smutty. It's been nicked.
30:33Really, Potter, you can't have Mr. Hedges down as a poetry thief.
30:36Well, his class and them, they're all in it together, aren't they?
30:39Any more, I'll ask about the turkey, of course.
30:42I'm not above bringing in the CID, you know.
30:44And I'm not above becoming a monk.
30:47There's only one thing I know that's more sensitive than a Welsh Baptist, and that's a virgin teacher.
30:52Mixed company, Mr. Price.
30:54Well, you know what I mean.
30:56He might not be able to get through to them, but they sure as damn it get through unto him.
31:00Poor fellow, I can't understand his last-minute reversion of this.
31:04I wonder if it's possible.
31:07What?
31:08Tell me honestly, Mr. Price.
31:10Do you think 5C are actually capable of liking a teacher?
31:13Oh, come on, Doris. Have another drink or sober up completely, will you? Of course not.
31:17But if they are, that would explain it.
31:19I may have spoken out of turn. I didn't ask him, after all.
31:23He may want them.
31:25Smithy, I'm resigning.
31:27Whatever for?
31:29Well, if even Doris Rottenewell is cracking up under the strain, there is no hope for any of us.
31:33After you, boy.
31:38Morning. Very good report.
31:42Duffy.
31:46Sharon.
31:50Here we are, Dennis. Here's your radio back.
31:52I told you you could have it back at the end of term.
31:54Hold me wireless. Hold it...
31:58Right.
32:01Now, quickly and quietly remove anything from your desks that you need for the holidays.
32:09Quickly and quietly.
32:11I thought I made myself quite clear.
32:15Ah, Hedges, I'm glad I've caught you.
32:17Merry Christmas, 5C.
32:21Oh.
32:23Hedges, do you know that Mr. Wiggins is returning to the fold next term?
32:27Yes, you all did tell me so, yes.
32:29Well, of course, I can give him back to 5C, can't I, Doris?
32:33Of course you can, Headmaster.
32:35Point is, I don't know, it depends whether you actually want to carry on.
32:41I mean, the choice is yours.
32:48Yes, I will.
32:50I will carry on.
32:52Oh, good man, Hedges, good man.
32:54And good man, Doris, you were right again.
32:56Headmaster.
32:58Merry Christmas, 5C.
33:01Hmm, yes.
33:04Hmm, yes.
33:08Mr. Hedges, you may have your thoughts, but cowardice isn't one of them.
33:20I, er, stick him with us, then, eh?
33:22Whether you like it or not, yes.
33:24And old mother Ewell reckoning you wouldn't was just to get him wrong.
33:28When did she do that?
33:29Lunchtime.
33:32So that's what this is all about.
33:34All this sulking.
33:37Fair, Chief?
33:39Er, no, thanks, Duffy.
33:41You trying to get me the sack?
33:43Oh, no, not this term.
33:45Thanks, Craven Cottage.
33:48And you give me my wireless back, and you don't throw blackboard rubbers.
33:52Don't know how close you've come, then.
33:55Pardon, Abbott?
33:57Merry Christmas.
34:00And a happy New Year.
34:02Here. I didn't hurt you when I threw your anky back, did I, sir?
34:07Just a flesh wound, Maureen.
34:10Right, yes.
34:12Good, good.
34:16Er, Chief, do you mind if we make a little presentation before we go on?
34:22Um, presentation?
34:26Oh, of course I don't mind.
34:29Come on, come on.
34:31Well, er, no speeches, eh?
34:34This is just a present from all your mates in the form.
34:38And, er, well, all the best in that.
34:42Er, well, here you are, then.
34:44Dennis.
34:47Oh, neat! Neat!
34:49Come on, Dennis, isn't it?
34:51Oh, look at that!
34:53Nice, isn't it?
34:55Oh, try it. Try it.
34:58That's the way. That's the way.
35:00That's the way. Go on. There you are.
35:02Put your head in, then.
35:04Put your head in.
35:07It's nice, isn't it, eh?
35:09That is very smooth, then, eh?
35:11Is it?
35:12Double smooth, mate.
35:13I got one of them at home.
35:15I mean, it ain't as good. I didn't say it was as good.
35:18Do you like it, sir?
35:20I think it suits you down to the ground, Dennis.
35:22And you lot.
35:24That was, er, all of you, a very, very nice thing to do.
35:28Oh, give over!
35:30No, no, that's the sort of present that anybody would be thrilled to get.
35:36If they were getting a present, that is.
35:38Yes, a very nice present.
35:42Well, that's it, then, for this term.
35:45Unless there's anything else?
35:48Can't think of nothing.
35:50No, no, right, good, good.
35:52Well, er...
35:54Well, off you go, then, and have a good time. Enjoy yourselves.
35:57You too, sirs.
35:59If you can't be good, be careful.
36:01Yes, thank you. Merry Christmas to you all.
36:03Yeah, all that.
36:04Yes, er, yes.
36:05Well, off you go, then.
36:07Hmm.
36:23Look, Maureen, I don't really think the, um...
36:26I-I-I don't, um...
36:30Oh, very well.
36:32Merry Christmas, Maureen.
36:34Oh, sir.
36:44You know something, Smithy, when all's said and done,
36:47there's a lot to be said for it.
36:49You mean the old-school press?
36:51Do I? Hell, I mean bringing back the perch.
36:53Oh!
36:57Doris, there's something I've been wanting to ask you all term.
37:01Then you'd better ask it, Morris.
37:03Hmm. Well, um, would you like to take one of my rubber trees?
37:07I've got so many at home.
37:15Sir!
37:17Hang a perch!
37:19Do you want these?
37:22They've... they've got my name on.
37:24Wise move at Finn Street, innit?
37:26Well, that's very kind. I really don't...
37:29Oh, knock that off for a start.
37:33Thank you, sir.
37:35There we are, Maureen. Look, er, keep it for Christmas, will you?
37:39We're going to Eric's for a party.
37:41You can come if you like. Er, can't he, Eric?
37:43Yeah, course you can. You know me old man, don't you?
37:45Well, I really don't think that...
37:48All right. All right, why not?
37:50Yes, yes, I could... I could come along for a little while.
37:53Well, I'll see you down there, then, shall I?
37:56Oh, that's...
37:58Yes, well, it's only a minute, then there are one, two...
38:01All right, in you get. Come along.
38:13When is it? When is it?
38:15What is it you want now, Mr Potter?
38:17My turkey.
38:18Well, we haven't got it. There isn't enough room in here for a turkey.
38:21And a merry rotten Christmas to you all.
38:26You have got it! You have!
38:28Oi! Oi! My turkey! Whoa!
38:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:45SLEIGH BELLS