1.Call My Bluff S11E1, S11E2, S11E3, S11E4 (1977) P. Keith, S. Cusack, J. Lumley,N. Newman,I. Ogilvy

last year

S11E1 Joanna Lumley, Nanette Newman, Russell Harty, Bryan Forbes.
S11E2 Joanna Lumley, Nanette Newman, Russell Harty, Bryan Forbes.
S11E3 Penelope Keith, Sinead Cusack, Ian Ogilvy, Miles Kington.
S11E4 Penelope Keith, Sinead Cusack, Ian Ogilvy, Miles Kington.
Host/Team captains: Robert Robinson, Frank Muir, Patrick Campbell.

Transcript

00:00:00MUSIC

00:00:17Good evening once again. How nice to be able to welcome you to a new series,

00:00:21yet another new series of Call My Bluff,

00:00:23which features, as ever, the Mr Chips of the panel game, Frank Muir.

00:00:28APPLAUSE

00:00:33My first guest is a great favourite with us on the programme and with the viewers,

00:00:37and she's back again, this time with a different haircut,

00:00:40because she's now the Avengers girl, but underneath it all, it's still Joanna Lumley.

00:00:44APPLAUSE

00:00:50My next guest isn't a favourite yet, but it's his second time on the programme.

00:00:54Man of the arts and of the chat, Russell Harty.

00:00:58APPLAUSE

00:01:03And the original racing pigeon, Patrick Campbell.

00:01:06APPLAUSE

00:01:11Good evening. And my first guest, well, she's simply everything.

00:01:16She's beautiful, she's an actress, she writes books for children,

00:01:23she's a mother, she's even married.

00:01:26LAUGHTER

00:01:28Nanette Newman.

00:01:30APPLAUSE

00:01:35And the other one is even more so, more so,

00:01:38because he's not only an actor and a writer, but he's a producer and a director.

00:01:43And he's a father.

00:01:46He's married to Nanette Newman, this is Brian Forbes.

00:01:49APPLAUSE

00:01:54The old magic's still there.

00:01:56We ring the bell and we get the word ulakan,

00:01:58and as you know, it'll be pronounced umpty in different ways,

00:02:01but it'll be defined three different ways.

00:02:03Two of the definitions are false ones.

00:02:05One is true, and that's the one that Patrick's team is going to try and find out.

00:02:09So tell us about ulakan, Frank.

00:02:11Have you ever wondered how peasants got about in Kamchatka?

00:02:17Kamchatka's that bit in Russia which hangs over the north bit of Japan.

00:02:22How do they move about?

00:02:24What they did was they put sort of wooden things up

00:02:27and covered them with hides stitched together,

00:02:30and they put those on a platform with a wheel either side,

00:02:35and in front of that they put a horse.

00:02:40And they dragged along this wagon.

00:02:43Tremendously enterprising.

00:02:45And they called this wagon an ulakan.

00:02:49Next.

00:02:51A horse in outer Mongolia.

00:02:53Nice sober start. Russell.

00:02:55If you were sitting ever in a darkened wigwam in the north of America,

00:03:02i.e. if you were an American Indian sitting in a wigwam,

00:03:04and you wanted to bring light into that kind of encircling gloom,

00:03:08you could light the end of your ulakan...

00:03:11LAUGHTER

00:03:15..which is, in fact, a very oily large fish

00:03:19found in, as you will not be surprised to hear, North American rivers.

00:03:22And the Indians took the fish out of the river and they dried it,

00:03:26but even when it was dried it was so oily

00:03:28that you could light the end of it to darken your wigwam withal.

00:03:31LAUGHTER

00:03:33Right. Joanna Lumley.

00:03:35It was possibly to the tinkling of an ulakan

00:03:38that early Persian poets composed some of their better works.

00:03:42Loosely strung like a xylophone,

00:03:45these metal oblongs are linked together side by side

00:03:48and when the wind blows through them

00:03:50they produce a not-unharmonious concatenation of sound.

00:03:55BONG BING DOING

00:03:57BONG BONG BING DOING

00:03:59You see?

00:04:01Well, it was not only elegant, we got the statutory Persian in

00:04:04because, you know, you don't know where you are until that's been said.

00:04:07But anyway, it's a Kamchatkan wagon.

00:04:10It's an oily fish and it's a Persian musical instrument

00:04:13without which no game of Call My Bluff is complete.

00:04:15Patrick.

00:04:17Well, there's deep difficulty here, isn't there?

00:04:20Strung as loosely as a xylophone.

00:04:23No, loosely strung, comma, like a xylophone.

00:04:26She refuses to...

00:04:28But it has no strings on a xylophone.

00:04:30It's strung, though.

00:04:32Strung?

00:04:34The bits of wood have string going through them.

00:04:36I think they're all very highly strung.

00:04:39A burning fish.

00:04:41You dry a fish and light the other end of it.

00:04:44What other end? I said the tail end of it.

00:04:48Don't argue with him.

00:04:50Don't argue with him.

00:04:52Just a moment.

00:04:54A little confidence.

00:04:56About a quarter of an hour.

00:04:58Any member of the audience can whistle or play a tune.

00:05:02I want to be happy.

00:05:06Well, we've got two hunches here.

00:05:08We've got three hunches, pretty well.

00:05:10All different.

00:05:12All different hunches.

00:05:14I believe that it's this awful...

00:05:19It's a charming thing about the Persian music.

00:05:23Ah!

00:05:25Yes, it was Joanna, wasn't it?

00:05:27You said that. Is it true or is it a fluke?

00:05:29Tell us.

00:05:31APPLAUSE

00:05:36Oh, no, no Persian musical instrument is ever true on this programme

00:05:40until the odd occasion when it is.

00:05:42But who gave the true definition?

00:05:44You'll never believe it.

00:05:46It's the end of my show.

00:05:48APPLAUSE

00:05:53It's an oily fish which is very good for setting fire to.

00:05:57One nil and we have ink or inka.

00:06:00Patrick.

00:06:02It's called inky.

00:06:04Yes, that's correct.

00:06:06A Devonshire word.

00:06:10Before they'd built the jetties and the groynes...

00:06:13What?

00:06:15A groyne is a seawall, rather than...

00:06:18That doesn't have a mole on your groyne.

00:06:21Before they...

00:06:28Before they'd built these jetties and groynes off the coast of Devon,

00:06:33they got inky up to their armpits.

00:06:38Seaweed, tonne after tonne of it.

00:06:41Seaweed? Seaweed.

00:06:43It's floating vegetation and they call it inky.

00:06:46Where does the groyne come in?

00:06:48It keeps it off from the jetty.

00:06:55I think it now...

00:06:57You've got all that down, have you?

00:06:59Yes, yes.

00:07:01Anything else with the remaining time?

00:07:03I think we ought to have Brian Forbes now.

00:07:06Well, an inky was a medieval rude look.

00:07:12A dirty look. Do it.

00:07:14A basilisk grimace

00:07:17to sort of discomfort and wither someone.

00:07:21I mean, in later years it was perfected, even patented, by Robin Day.

00:07:26But to go further back in time

00:07:29and to quote from Caxton's, what was it, Jason,

00:07:33he said,

00:07:35"'Why, certies, madam,

00:07:37"'the inky of your ine hath hurteth me unto death.'"

00:07:42You've got everything medieval in there, absolutely everything.

00:07:45Yes, indeed.

00:07:47Nannette, your go.

00:07:49Well, ink is a bird's neck.

00:07:52I hasten...

00:07:54A neck.

00:07:56I'm glad that it's not a beautiful neck like Joanna's,

00:07:59you know, that kind of bird's neck.

00:08:01But it is, in fact, the neck of a feathered bird.

00:08:04And if you moved in circles with ornithologists,

00:08:08obviously you would know this description

00:08:10because they always refer to feathered birds' necks,

00:08:14whether it be a thrush or a dove or anything like that,

00:08:17they always refer to it as an ink.

00:08:21Splendid.

00:08:23It is a bird's neck, it's a nasty look,

00:08:26and it's great wads of seaweed.

00:08:29Frank.

00:08:31Hang on.

00:08:34Well, it mustn't be paddies.

00:08:37I mean, it might be, but it mustn't be, it shouldn't be.

00:08:40There's no justice in the world, which there isn't,

00:08:43precious little of it.

00:08:45So we scrub paddy.

00:08:47We're worried about the feathered birds

00:08:50because all birds are feathered, aren't they?

00:08:52Except when you eat them.

00:08:54Ostriches aren't, are they, around their necks?

00:08:56Aren't they bald?

00:08:58Interesting discussion, however frank.

00:09:03So, I choose the bird's neck.

00:09:06The bird's neck. That was Nanette Newman who said it.

00:09:09It was a flash of inspiration.

00:09:11Well, she'll have to tell us.

00:09:13She's got it there somewhere.

00:09:15Bullseye!

00:09:17APPLAUSE

00:09:20I'm going to lose this if you ask me.

00:09:22The ink, or inky... No, ink, she said, just ink,

00:09:26is a bird, a hairy bird.

00:09:28No, neck. Neck of a bird, I should say.

00:09:30Spitzer is the next one.

00:09:32And, Russell, it's your go.

00:09:34Are they ready? Because he's got his kids...

00:09:36No, you just have to start talking and then you get their attention.

00:09:39Two of you will know what this is because it's an old word

00:09:42you use in the First World War.

00:09:44You have no idea what it's about.

00:09:46It's a word which was used by English seamen as a boasting word

00:09:51when they had clobbered a U-boat.

00:09:56It's a nautical verb meaning to sink, to spatcher.

00:10:00There was a celebrated exchange once in the war

00:10:03in which somebody said,

00:10:05by golly, sir, we've spittered a U-boat.

00:10:07And the man said, good show, number one.

00:10:09And the man who said that was called Commander Hugo Frampton,

00:10:12DSO, wasn't he?

00:10:14Yes, yes, yes.

00:10:17Have I finished?

00:10:19Yeah, I think you have.

00:10:21Joanna, you start.

00:10:23Spitzer is a verb to do with trousers

00:10:29and also to do with boots.

00:10:31It's an old rural expression

00:10:33and it means to spitzer,

00:10:35it means to cut your trousers off below the knee.

00:10:39And to spitzer means also to cut your boots off above the ankle.

00:10:43LAUGHTER

00:10:45It's there, of course, why anybody should indulge

00:10:48in such sartorial sabotage.

00:10:50The OED doesn't explain.

00:10:52And the OED is the Oxford English Dictionary.

00:10:55It's a farm labourer with sexy shin.

00:10:57LAUGHTER

00:10:59And it was the first bit of Mama Said Chair of the series.

00:11:02Nice to register it. Frank, your turn.

00:11:05Spitzer is a verb and a noun to do with the same thing

00:11:10and it's a word used in the jargon of entomologists.

00:11:15What are they, Frank?

00:11:17Entomologists are bug hunters, bug fanciers.

00:11:21And to spitzer a bug or a butterfly or whatever,

00:11:25or larvae, is to attach it to your cork display panel

00:11:30with a pin.

00:11:32To spitzer and the pin...

00:11:34Your cork display panel?

00:11:36You've got one.

00:11:38He's never without it.

00:11:40Patrick, Patrick, I'm on.

00:11:42It's Frank's turn.

00:11:44LAUGHTER

00:11:46If I may continue, and the pin which you spitz with

00:11:50is called a spitzer.

00:11:52Good.

00:11:54It's to pin a butterfly, to cut off your boot or your trouser

00:11:59should the fit be upon you,

00:12:01and it's to sink a submarine.

00:12:03Brian.

00:12:06Difficult.

00:12:08You know, one faces these three absolutely beautiful and bland people,

00:12:13all of whom are incapable, obviously, of telling lies,

00:12:17and one wonders whether...

00:12:19Is he blonde or bland?

00:12:21Bland.

00:12:23One wonders whether one should opt for cutting off one's trousers

00:12:27below the knee or one's boots below the ankle,

00:12:30or to spitzer a butterfly, did you say, or a bug?

00:12:33Butterfly, bug, anything you care to clarify?

00:12:35What you will.

00:12:37I'm only going on kind of hunches

00:12:40because there is an extraordinary word also from the First World War

00:12:44called scrimshanking, which is just as odd as spitzer.

00:12:47We've had that.

00:12:49Carving on ivories.

00:12:51Don't go near it.

00:12:53No.

00:12:55I don't know it.

00:12:57Why don't you talk to your wife about it?

00:12:59It's rather good at this game.

00:13:02Yes, I...

00:13:04I do nothing but see Frank in my bookshop

00:13:07and he always tells nothing but the truth

00:13:09when he buys books from me and pays his account,

00:13:12so I'm going to opt for Frank spitzering his bugs

00:13:15into his cork waistcoat or whatever it is.

00:13:18Not absolutely.

00:13:20Ice-cold logic for such a choice.

00:13:22Frank, to our bluff.

00:13:24But it is a good bookshop.

00:13:26Oh, no!

00:13:29My own hunch could have gone the other way.

00:13:31No, no, no, no, no.

00:13:33Nothing of that sort. Who gave the true definition?

00:13:36Low.

00:13:38It was.

00:13:40Not again!

00:13:44You've put me away from it.

00:13:46And so it means to sink a submarine.

00:13:48By the way, scrimshank doesn't mean what you said,

00:13:51it's scrimshaw that means that, just to prevent everyone writing in.

00:13:54Anyway, there you are. Just occurred to me.

00:13:56Glamp is the next one, and it's Brian Forbes' go.

00:13:59Well, it's what I am at the moment, after that last result.

00:14:03I mean, a glamp is a Worcestershire sulk.

00:14:08It's a word local to Worcestershire, which I don't come from,

00:14:11but for the state of being in a moody,

00:14:13you know, a moody silence or being antisocially glum or morose.

00:14:17I mean, mostly it's used in the expressions, you'd say,

00:14:20you're in a glamp or you're in the glamps.

00:14:24I mean, I hope that all of you are currently in a glamp

00:14:28if you think I'm bluffing at the present moment.

00:14:31Yes, yes. That's like a double negative, isn't it, really?

00:14:35Nanette, your go.

00:14:37Well, glamp is a verb which actually means to grope.

00:14:41It's a rather nicer way of saying to grope.

00:14:44For instance, I'm married to a very short-sighted man,

00:14:47and if in the cinema he lost his glasses, I might say,

00:14:50oh, my goodness, now he's going to glamp for his glasses.

00:14:54Or if you were in a bath, you might say,

00:14:58now you know you're going to glamp for the face cloth.

00:15:02Or perhaps more romantically,

00:15:04you might, in bed at night with your husband, say...

00:15:07Is it still, madam?

00:15:09Perhaps my husband is going to glamp for me.

00:15:14It is another word, I think a rather nicer verb, of saying to grope.

00:15:20I'm short-sighted.

00:15:22If it has to be said at all, I suppose it is. Patrick?

00:15:26Well, what a joy it is, after all that,

00:15:29to come back to call my bluff upon your favourite subjects,

00:15:33the diseases of sheep.

00:15:35Ho-rah!

00:15:37Welcome home, there.

00:15:41Glamp, of course, is an infection of the sheep's mouth.

00:15:46And these idiots get it from eating polluted or stagnant moss.

00:15:53That's glamp forever.

00:15:56Yes, it had to happen.

00:15:59It's a disease of sheep.

00:16:01It's to grope for something, and it is to be sulky in Worcestershire.

00:16:06Russell?

00:16:08Brian Forbes has had two words which both meant sulk,

00:16:11or inky was a sulk. Do an inky for me.

00:16:14Do a glamp for me.

00:16:16What's a glamp?

00:16:18Well, it's a sort of...

00:16:20Don't look at your paper, do a glamp.

00:16:22I was doing it then.

00:16:24I know it's a long time since I was an actor,

00:16:27but I was trying to do a glamp.

00:16:29I was going to do one of those.

00:16:31Very good, sir.

00:16:33I don't believe it.

00:16:35And also, Nanette, who is normally so fluent and so clear and concise,

00:16:39was flanneling like hell when she got to this thing about

00:16:42I'm going to get my husband to glamp for me in bed.

00:16:45I mean, it's ridiculous.

00:16:47You wouldn't need to help him.

00:16:49He would do it by radar or antennae or whatever that may be.

00:16:52And the relief on Patrick's face

00:16:54when he got back to his foot and mouth disease.

00:16:57It was a joy to behold,

00:16:59and therefore I suspect that it's a sheep's mouth disease.

00:17:03So you think that for once the sheep's disease is true.

00:17:06Let's see if it is. Patrick.

00:17:08A faulty diagnosis.

00:17:10A faulty diagnosis.

00:17:12Oh, no!

00:17:18No, that time it was just a trick, as it so often is.

00:17:21But who gave the true definition, I wonder?

00:17:23Oh, Russell.

00:17:25I want you to believe me.

00:17:27Well done, my darling. Great start.

00:17:32No, to glamp means to grope for anything.

00:17:35And there, 3-1, we have sambucade,

00:17:38but it'll be pronounced, I don't know, a million ways.

00:17:41Joanna.

00:17:42A sambucade is a crisp fritter or pancake

00:17:45which a country housewife might make.

00:17:47Its ingredients are sugar, white of egg and butter.

00:17:50But what gives it that special yum-yum flavour, it says here,

00:17:55is chopped up elderflowers.

00:17:58Not old flowers, not any old flowers,

00:18:01just chopped up elderflowers.

00:18:03In advanced years.

00:18:06And so we come to Frank Muir.

00:18:09Thank you.

00:18:11A sambucade in ancient warfare

00:18:14was a barrage of unguided missiles,

00:18:17all flaming,

00:18:19their lumps of old toe and lumps of pitch and things,

00:18:24and they were hurled by catapult or whatever

00:18:27into the fleet or into the opposing ranks

00:18:30or over the castle wall.

00:18:32Whose toe?

00:18:35T-O-W.

00:18:37I can't understand a single... I can't understand a word.

00:18:40It's the toe you set fire.

00:18:42T-O-W.

00:18:44Oh, that one!

00:18:46You don't snatch it off, you know.

00:18:48Russell Harvey.

00:18:50In question time at the House of Commons,

00:18:52you can hear a lot of sambucades bashing backwards and forwards

00:18:55because they're dishonest mental reservations

00:18:58frequently used by Members of Parliament.

00:19:00And a historian by the name of Kettlewell,

00:19:02you will know him well, Kettlewell,

00:19:05wrote about this sambucading that went back and forth

00:19:09like a ping-pong ball at question time,

00:19:12and he said most of the MPs did seem bent

00:19:15to take up such sambucade...

00:19:17Yes, he went on.

00:19:19..as might ease them of all responsibility.

00:19:22Sambucade.

00:19:24Sambucade, right, or sambucade, pronounce it as you will,

00:19:28an incendiary missile, a kind of delicious pancake,

00:19:31and a sort of evasion, a way of evading.

00:19:34Nanette, your choice.

00:19:36Well...

00:19:38I don't know that the fritter made with the elderflowers

00:19:42sounds terribly edible.

00:19:48Russell's thing with all the MPs,

00:19:50I don't know, that doesn't sound...

00:19:52sound quite right to me.

00:19:54Frank, I'm gazing into your eyes,

00:19:56hoping that you will give me an honest look.

00:19:58I quite like the idea of toes and bits and pieces

00:20:02all being hurled over, it sounds so bizarre.

00:20:05Grave feet.

00:20:07I think... Can I have another go?

00:20:09If I'm wrong, then I shall say that it's you, Frank.

00:20:12It's you, it's you.

00:20:14He said that it was an incendiary missile, true or bluff?

00:20:18No, no, Nanette.

00:20:20Oh!

00:20:22APPLAUSE

00:20:28True one now, here it comes.

00:20:30Oh, it was! It was indeed.

00:20:33APPLAUSE

00:20:37It's an absolutely delicious pancake,

00:20:39and when she said it says here,

00:20:41to cast doubt on the Oxford English Dictionary like that,

00:20:44I don't know. Well, yum-yum, you know.

00:20:46Oh, yum-yum, I seem to mean, yes.

00:20:48Or do I? 4-1.

00:20:50Crub, we have next. Nanette.

00:20:52Well, crub is a nearly extinct adverb,

00:20:56meaning unsuave, unaffable, rather nasty,

00:21:00something that's vaguely sort of unpleasant.

00:21:04I think a 17th-century astrologer once said

00:21:09that if you were born under the sign of Capricorn,

00:21:13you shall be both crub and stubborn

00:21:16and have no skill or courtesy.

00:21:20Rather unpleasant. Yes.

00:21:22Straight to the point. Patrick, his go.

00:21:25It went quiet, didn't it?

00:21:27Take the bottom of the sea off Newfoundland.

00:21:31Newfoundland.

00:21:33It's covered with rocks, as you know.

00:21:35These fishing boats, if you throw an anchor into a load of rock,

00:21:38you're going to lose the anchor.

00:21:40And so what do these sagacious Northumberland...

00:21:43LAUGHTER

00:21:45Newfoundland fishermen do,

00:21:47but they tie a piece of rope around a crub,

00:21:51bung the rope over the side with the rock on it,

00:21:54connect it in between the rocks,

00:21:56and you can pull it up when you want to leave.

00:21:58Simple matter. What is a crub?

00:22:00So what was a crub? It's an anchor.

00:22:02Sort of, yes. Made of rock. Rock anchor.

00:22:04Yes. A rock anchor.

00:22:06Off Northumberland. Have you got that?

00:22:09Not off Northumberland. Newfoundland.

00:22:11Newfoundland, yes. Where else? Brian.

00:22:14Well, a crub, or croube, as it was sometimes called,

00:22:18is that from which one hangs or suspends things from a packhorse.

00:22:24It's a kind of hook or peg, you know,

00:22:27which is firmly attached to a trip of canvas

00:22:30and thrown over the animal's back,

00:22:32whereupon you can hang your hat, an umbrella,

00:22:35your reputation,

00:22:37or if you are suicidally minded,

00:22:40you could hang yourself from it.

00:22:43All right, so, it's a hook on a horse, just like he said.

00:22:47It's to be rather evil-tempered,

00:22:49and it's a sort of anchor.

00:22:51You wrap a rope around a piece of rock.

00:22:53Joanna Lumley, choose.

00:22:57I think this...

00:22:59Crub from the astronaut...

00:23:01No.

00:23:03Astrologer. It's a bit like crab, which is cancer.

00:23:06Wouldn't he? I don't know.

00:23:08Crub, crub. It sounds like cruddy.

00:23:10It sounds nearly there.

00:23:12Don't like it. We don't like it.

00:23:15We think the hook on the saddle from which you can commit suicide

00:23:19is also a bit neat.

00:23:21It sounds like a crub, therefore it isn't.

00:23:24Therefore it's your Newfoundland rock.

00:23:26We'll answer on Patrick's end.

00:23:28Patrick, is it true or bluff?

00:23:30What a joy this can...

00:23:32APPLAUSE

00:23:34Bluff.

00:23:39No, he made all that up. Who gave the true definition?

00:23:42A coat hanger. Who gave the true definition?

00:23:44You did.

00:23:46APPLAUSE

00:23:52It's that hook on the horse's saddle,

00:23:54and you can hang your necessaries from it.

00:23:57Hot clothes, the next one. Frank, to define it.

00:24:01I suppose, if I was to make this very brief,

00:24:05I'd say a 15th, 16th-century tin waistcoat.

00:24:11It's worn by, sort of, serving men and bottlers,

00:24:16not by the aristocracy,

00:24:18and it was for show rather than for wear.

00:24:20It's a thin metal kind of thingy.

00:24:24Metal? Yep.

00:24:26Yeah. Hence tin waistcoat.

00:24:28Russell.

00:24:30A huckler was an apprentice navvy,

00:24:33a very young lad who...

00:24:35The sort of young men who built high railroads

00:24:39in the West Pennines in the 1880s and 1890s,

00:24:42and they were kids and they got paid less than ordinary navvies,

00:24:46and they had all the dirty work to do,

00:24:48and they were the bottom of the picking order.

00:24:53Oh, picking order.

00:24:55Picking order.

00:24:57Thank you.

00:24:59I was going to say. Thank God you appreciate it.

00:25:02Very good, Russell.

00:25:04Who comes next? Right, Joanna, see what you can do.

00:25:07While James I was persecuting Puritans,

00:25:10there was a stately dance going on at the palace,

00:25:13and the dance was the huckler.

00:25:17I can't really show you the steps of the huckler here.

00:25:20No, no, I can't. I won't be persuaded.

00:25:22But it's not unlike another dance, which I think Patrick might know.

00:25:26Palace dance at the same time, which is called the Tom Bedlow,

00:25:29and the steps are quite like it, the hucklers.

00:25:32James I.

00:25:34James I, even earlier!

00:25:36He was so small he had to be carried downstairs at that time,

00:25:39hadn't you, Patrick?

00:25:41Shame on you, Joanna.

00:25:43It's an apprentice navvy, it seems.

00:25:45It's a tin waistcoat and it's a stately Jacobean dance.

00:25:48Patrick.

00:25:51I believe...

00:25:53..all this picking, absolute drivel.

00:25:56You've got to go to those lengths to say that the picking list...

00:26:01That's really scrapping around, isn't it?

00:26:04Picking what? Picking order.

00:26:06I'm working on it. Picking order, yes.

00:26:11A dance that's like a dance, it's...

00:26:14When you said rather dyingly, it's a kind of thin...

00:26:18thin thing.

00:26:21I think you were trying to throw me off the scent,

00:26:25and it's fairly apart to me from here, because it's that.

00:26:29You're choosing what Frank said.

00:26:31He said it's a tin waistcoat.

00:26:33If we hurry, who knows, we may get another word.

00:26:39No!

00:26:45Whatever he was doing, Patrick, he succeeded.

00:26:48Anyway, who gave the true definition as quick as you like?

00:26:51It was me. It was Joanna.

00:26:57Stately dance.

00:26:59Not so stately now, you'll have to move rather swiftly.

00:27:02Crockett is the next one, Patrick.

00:27:04It's rather complicated.

00:27:06It's the part inside of a huge clock.

00:27:09Little Y-shaped thing like that.

00:27:12And the shaft of the rod goes into it.

00:27:15And as the pendulum...

00:27:19I think we ought to hurry.

00:27:21..moves the escapement...

00:27:27..mechanism.

00:27:29Well, that's it. Brian, as swiftly as you can.

00:27:31As they probably guessed, a crockett is the name given by Abedonians

00:27:35to the wading bird more commonly known as the oyster catcher.

00:27:39That'll do us, that'll do us. Nanette?

00:27:41No, we haven't the time, I fear.

00:27:43It was a word that was in vogue 300 years ago

00:27:46and it meant to be perverse or contrary or against something.

00:27:50Right. Sort of wayward.

00:27:52Part of a clock, I think he was doing. Sort of part of a clock.

00:27:55And an oyster catcher. Frank?

00:27:57I don't know. Oyster catcher.

00:27:59Ooh, who said that? That was Brian. True or bluff?

00:28:02Curse you, Crockett!

00:28:04APPLAUSE

00:28:14So, no doubt whatever about it,

00:28:16as we come to the end and score standing at 6-2,

00:28:19Frank Muir has won.

00:28:21APPLAUSE

00:28:27And I dare say that'll put a sharp edge on Patrick and co.

00:28:30for the next round.

00:28:32But I think a round of applause for them!

00:28:34APPLAUSE

00:28:38Next time, we shall have some more walking wounded

00:28:41from the Oxford English Dictionary.

00:28:43Until then, goodbye from Russell Harty.

00:28:45Bye.

00:28:49Brian Forbes.

00:28:52Joanna Lumley.

00:28:55Nanette Newman.

00:28:58Frank Muir.

00:29:00Patrick Campbell.

00:29:04And goodbye.

00:29:11APPLAUSE

00:29:30APPLAUSE

00:29:33APPLAUSE

00:29:39Hello again.

00:29:41This is Call My Bluff, featuring the old three-Bob note,

00:29:44Patrick Campbell.

00:29:46APPLAUSE

00:29:52Last week, the opening game of this series,

00:29:56it turned out to be a disaster for us, to my amazement.

00:30:00But...

00:30:02I have now brought back the same reliable team as before.

00:30:05They're married, fairly happily.

00:30:08Nanette Newman.

00:30:10APPLAUSE

00:30:15And the bearded terror, Brian Forbes.

00:30:18APPLAUSE

00:30:23And the redskin who speaks with forked tongue,

00:30:26Frank Muir.

00:30:28APPLAUSE

00:30:33I'm not married to either of my team.

00:30:3550% regrets.

00:30:37LAUGHTER

00:30:39Back comes...

00:30:41..very gorgeous and very successful Joanna Lumley.

00:30:46APPLAUSE

00:30:50And back comes...

00:30:53..quite so gorgeous, but equally successful, Russell Harty.

00:30:57APPLAUSE

00:31:02Ring the bell, and as ever, we get a word that's a very long and good word.

00:31:06Birkendorse, I think it's said.

00:31:09Anyway, Patrick and his team are going to define Birkendorse three different ways.

00:31:13Two of the definitions are false ones.

00:31:15One is true, and that's what Frank's going to pick out, or try to.

00:31:18So what about it, Patrick?

00:31:20Your average regulation...

00:31:24..a Birkendorse is a Hindustani doorman.

00:31:28LAUGHTER

00:31:30If you're blundering around a city like, perhaps, Jabalpur,

00:31:36with your pith helmet turned back to the front, looking for pleasure...

00:31:41LAUGHTER

00:31:43..you want to keep an eye out for...

00:31:46..for this lad, because...

00:31:49..if you want to gatecrash past him, you're in for it,

00:31:52because he not only wears this great uniform,

00:31:55but he also carries a sword and a shield.

00:32:00That's what he does.

00:32:02A Hindustani doorman.

00:32:04OK, now Brian Forbes tells us a thing.

00:32:07Well, a Birkendorse is an Armenian bishop's cloak.

00:32:13It's a very voluminous garment which, if you'll pardon the expression,

00:32:17covers a multitude of sins,

00:32:19which the bishop wears when he's handing out blessings and so forth,

00:32:24or, like me, just praying for a good notice.

00:32:27And that's what it is.

00:32:29It's an Armenian bishop's overcloak.

00:32:33Got to have an Armenian bishop, got to have one.

00:32:35Every series, Nenet.

00:32:37Well, I'm afraid this is nothing really to get very excited about.

00:32:40It is, quite simply, a nettle which is found in North America.

00:32:45It's the non-stinging variety.

00:32:48A nettle.

00:32:49Oh, a nettle.

00:32:50And I suppose the only claim to fame, really,

00:32:54or the only useful purpose it has, really,

00:32:56is that it hangs in clumps in North America, in windows or in doorways,

00:33:01and it helps to keep away flies or blue bottles or anything like that.

00:33:06Not really very thrilling.

00:33:08Never mind.

00:33:09Never mind. It's something.

00:33:12Nice, tight-packed definition, that.

00:33:15It's a nettle, it's a Hindu doorman,

00:33:18and it's an Armenian bishop's cloak.

00:33:21Frank.

00:33:30Well, we're...

00:33:37I didn't understand Paddy's bit all about that.

00:33:40Hindustani with a curved sword taking the pith helmet.

00:33:44Reconstituent visitors into nightclubs.

00:33:47Not listening.

00:33:48No, no, no.

00:33:49Birkendores can't be a Hindustani.

00:33:53It's a club you belong out.

00:33:57Armenian bishop's overcoat.

00:33:59Seem to be a little bit of desperation creeping in there, Brian,

00:34:02don't you think, a little bit?

00:34:04Yes, I think so.

00:34:05I reckon it's the nettle.

00:34:07Well, if you're trying to answer...

00:34:09I like Nanette. I think she's pretty.

00:34:11Yes, indeed.

00:34:12Are you telling fibs, or is it the true...?

00:34:14Oh, I see.

00:34:21She looks nice, but they're devious as any of the rest of them.

00:34:24So who gave the true definition? Let's see.

00:34:26Oh, of course.

00:34:35All that stuff you said about the pith helmet turned back...

00:34:38You look very good in one. Not backwards, but sideways.

00:34:42You've got the loose and jumbled poise.

00:34:44Yes, you've got them off the scent there, all right.

00:34:46Anyway, it is a Hindu doormant. Now we have Snike and Frank.

00:34:50I don't think Hindus have doors.

00:34:53Oh, never mind, never mind.

00:34:54Snike.

00:34:55Very, very, very useful little word, Snike.

00:34:58Keep it handy by you.

00:35:00If ever you want to describe 12 hawks...

00:35:06..because not 13.

00:35:08Useless. Useless. Or 11.

00:35:11But if you want to say 12 hawks, a Snike of hawks, you say.

00:35:19File that away carefully. Russell.

00:35:21When you are printing, you take in one hand the block,

00:35:27in an old-fashioned sense, before you put it onto the paper,

00:35:30with your left hand, and with your right hand you put an inky pad over it

00:35:35and you snike the print, and you get very dirty, very mucky hands,

00:35:40and then you do that with it onto the paper,

00:35:43and if you don't do that, if you don't snike first,

00:35:45you don't get anything on your paper,

00:35:47so it's a sort of inky, blotty, snikey thing.

00:35:50It's not funny either.

00:35:52No, no, no.

00:35:54Readfully informative, though. Joanna.

00:35:56It may cause a lifting of the eyebrows for you to hear

00:35:59that only a snake can snike.

00:36:03Snike is a verb with the meaning of a snake to crawl,

00:36:07and in the Cockney dialect...

00:36:10Cos you wanted a dialect, didn't you, Bob? Yes.

00:36:13In the Cockney dialect, this could cause for some sort of, you know,

00:36:16misunderstandings, cos you could hear somebody saying,

00:36:20Here, take a butcher's a this, there's a snike, sniking.

00:36:27She's got it. Well, you know.

00:36:30Michael Caine is alive and safe.

00:36:32No, I think that's what I call a plucky try.

00:36:35Anyway, it's to ink type.

00:36:38It's a dozen hawks, collective noun for same,

00:36:41and it's to crawl, as Joanna said.

00:36:43I mean, of snakes to crawl. Patrick.

00:36:48It couldn't possibly be a crawling snike.

00:36:53Crawling snike.

00:37:00But all this inky block work of yours, Russell...

00:37:07It seems to me that you'd be there forever with a block in one hand

00:37:11and the ink in the other, and the paper underneath it,

00:37:14but trying to do what with these three ingredients? To print something?

00:37:17Of course it was trying to print something. I mean, what else would you be doing?

00:37:23I don't know.

00:37:27Why should 12 hawks be called a snike?

00:37:32They've got to be called something. They are, though.

00:37:35Now, you're picking it, are you?

00:37:37Now, that was the collective noun for a dozen hawks.

00:37:41Frank, give us it. Give us it. Let's have a look.

00:37:44You're looking a little bit too happy, I'm afraid.

00:37:48APPLAUSE

00:37:54Where did he get that one from? I don't know.

00:37:56Who gave the true definition?

00:37:58It may cause a lifting of your eyebrows.

00:38:00Ah!

00:38:06It's a pot. It's a snike.

00:38:08Snike is a verb describing what snakes do when they go from one place to the other.

00:38:11One all. And we have this word, harmal.

00:38:15Brian?

00:38:17Well, actually, it's THE harmal,

00:38:20which was a title once given in Truro, Cornwall,

00:38:23to the official who used to accompany the High Sheriff.

00:38:27And he was supplied, free of charge, with, quote,

00:38:31a large staff with a brazen head.

00:38:35And he was also paid quite well, on a sort of early BBC scale,

00:38:39of, well, let me quote, in 19... No, 1552.

00:38:431552.

00:38:45Pre-BBC2, he was paid 23 and sixpence for his pains.

00:38:51THE harmal, an official of the Sheriff of Truro in Cornwall.

00:38:56Good. Good enough, anyway. Nanette?

00:38:59Well, to discover the meaning of this word,

00:39:02you first have to remove the H at the beginning

00:39:05and move it three paces along.

00:39:08Oh, come! Thus, magically, the word armhole...

00:39:12I can't believe it!

00:39:14And this is really just an antique version of the same word,

00:39:19a sort of aperture in a coat through which an arm is thrust.

00:39:24You could either say you're thrusting your arm into an armhole

00:39:28or a harmhole.

00:39:32If that's true, I'm going to retire from this programme.

00:39:36I mean, it's all got too much.

00:39:38Now, Patrick.

00:39:40The armole.

00:39:44The Spanish word, of course.

00:39:49A man called Armole made a gun.

00:39:52A long rifle.

00:39:55Mexican War Against the States, 1820 onwards.

00:40:01It was a lovely tube. It's huge, long barrels, you see,

00:40:04but it took you a couple of days to prime it.

00:40:07After you'd pulled the chain on it, and possibly missed,

00:40:11another two days to reload it again.

00:40:14Not a very popular weapon, but much used.

00:40:17In Mexican War, 1820 against you.

00:40:20Good old 1820, that's what I say.

00:40:24So, armhole, it means...

00:40:27armole, or musket, you know, not a very good one,

00:40:31and a sheriff's assistant in Truro, Russell Hartley.

00:40:38Well...

00:40:40Feel it, feel it.

00:40:42Brisk, eager look of incompetence.

00:40:44Brian Forbes.

00:40:46Brian Forbes said that a harmhole was, in some part,

00:40:51something to do with a man who organised a large...

00:40:54or carried a large staff with a brazen head.

00:40:57Yes.

00:40:58Which sounds a bit like a description of the Civil Service.

00:41:03And I don't really believe that, because it's too far south-west,

00:41:06and we're constantly dwelling in Cornwall, or the Celtic Fringe,

00:41:09and I don't like it.

00:41:14Nanette's is a rather too...

00:41:16Thank God it was an M and not an S, as well as removing things a lot.

00:41:20LAUGHTER

00:41:23I think, therefore, I...

00:41:27..climb to this big berth that is lurking on your desk,

00:41:31which is a long, primable gun, I would go for.

00:41:33That's what Patrick said. He said it was something they used,

00:41:36but it wasn't very good, took you about a day to prime.

00:41:39Two or bluff.

00:41:41APPLAUSE

00:41:47Let's find out, because find out we must, what harmhole really means.

00:41:52Yes, I...

00:41:54Yes!

00:41:56APPLAUSE

00:41:58APPLAUSE

00:42:04Is this the way you guys do that?

00:42:06Well, I don't know.

00:42:08Promises, Frank, you never stick to it.

00:42:10Well, the other thing is, Joanna chose it,

00:42:13and I very cleverly overrode her.

00:42:15It's most unlikely that harmhole should mean armhole,

00:42:19but yet it does, doesn't it?

00:42:21Put your harm in the O.

00:42:22Unbelievable that there you are. It's true.

00:42:25And now we have a score standing at 2-1.

00:42:27Goufa, I suppose you say.

00:42:29Russell Harpy.

00:42:31In the Sankara religion,

00:42:32which is an offshoot of a kind of Hindustania religion,

00:42:35there were three dominant passions or beliefs.

00:42:37They were goodness, darkness and passion.

00:42:41Goodness, as it would be in the world of Flesh and the Devil,

00:42:44Patrick Campbell would be goodness,

00:42:46passion would be Nanette Forbes

00:42:48and darkness would be Brian Forbes.

00:42:50Ooh!

00:42:52Throughout your life,

00:42:54you were dominated at one time or another

00:42:56by one of these three passions.

00:42:58Whichever was the dominant passion

00:43:00was the goufa at that moment of your life.

00:43:04Pfft! Nonsense.

00:43:06LAUGHTER

00:43:08His mouth was opening, as I said.

00:43:10Well, I thought you were goofing off.

00:43:13So then, Joanna, what do you tell us?

00:43:16In a Zulu combo, the lead instrument is called a goufa,

00:43:20and it is a calabash, which is a sort of thing,

00:43:24with a single string stretched across it.

00:43:27But it is not an instrument that Mr Yehudi Menuhin

00:43:30would care much to play,

00:43:32because even a master at this instrument

00:43:34can only produce one note,

00:43:36probably...

00:43:38BONG!

00:43:40I mean, it's only one note.

00:43:42That's all you can get out of it.

00:43:44BOING!

00:43:46Fairly short festival, isn't it?

00:43:48That's the lead instrument.

00:43:51Going to lack for an audience with that.

00:43:53Harp another note, Frank.

00:43:55You can stretch a lead across it if it's the lead instrument.

00:43:58Goufa. Goufa is a small boat

00:44:00in which one can row up and down the Euphates,

00:44:04which is a river in what was Mesopotamia.

00:44:08It has neither stem nor stern.

00:44:11In fact, it's made of plaited straw and is circular,

00:44:14which makes it frightfully difficult to tell where you've been.

00:44:18And in fact, to get anywhere...

00:44:24Oh, I see, yes, yes, yes.

00:44:26Well, it's a Zulu musical instrument.

00:44:28It's a little tiny boat with neither stem nor stern,

00:44:32and it's a philosophical conceit.

00:44:34Brian.

00:44:36Isn't God work?

00:44:38Yes, I think...

00:44:40Aha.

00:44:42The casting of Russell Harty as an Eastern mystic

00:44:46trying to propagate Nanette Newman as the goddess of passion

00:44:50doesn't strike me...

00:44:52I agree with that. I don't like Russell saying it.

00:44:55That's OK.

00:44:57A goufa, a one-legged instrument...

00:45:03I said that.

00:45:05Yes, more or less, deliberately.

00:45:07And then Frank,

00:45:09heavily up the Euphrates, as they say.

00:45:12Not up the Khyber, for once.

00:45:17Thank you.

00:45:19I get a plum for dear old Frank paddling his way against the stream.

00:45:25Frank did indeed say that it was a boat with neither stem nor stern.

00:45:29Was it true, my dear chap?

00:45:33Oh!

00:45:35Well done.

00:45:38Yes.

00:45:42It's all he said about that little boat,

00:45:44and a good deal more, I don't doubt it.

00:45:463-1 now, and we have this word, dandy wink,

00:45:49and it's Nanette Newman's turn to define it.

00:45:52Well, a dandy wink is a form of aperture in agricultural terms.

00:45:58It's something that probably wouldn't have been needed

00:46:01very much during this long, hot summer.

00:46:03But it is an upright stook of corn

00:46:07where they make a hole in one side,

00:46:10on the side of the prevailing wind.

00:46:12And when we've had a very bad summer,

00:46:14this hole is made so that the rain-sodden corn

00:46:18has at least a chance of drying out.

00:46:21Yes.

00:46:22It's always made in the side of a thing of corn.

00:46:25A kind old farmer's thought.

00:46:27Let's hear what Patrick has to tell us now.

00:46:31If you're any kind of amateur yachtsman...

00:46:33I'm not.

00:46:34No, no, wait, wait.

00:46:36A dandy wink is a concern with nautical matters.

00:46:40Say now you have a thing...

00:46:45..in the sea, in a small boat, in a dinghy.

00:46:48It might be a kind of creative booze,

00:46:51or a fat old woman.

00:46:55Or even two sailors with broken legs.

00:46:59If you want to get all this impediment aboard your yachty...

00:47:06..shackle up your dandy wink.

00:47:11Turn the handle, and it all comes aboard lovely.

00:47:15Does it?

00:47:19OK, well, I don't see why Brian Forbes shouldn't have a go.

00:47:23Well, a dandy wink is a rather...

00:47:26A dandy wink is a rather showy little shrub

00:47:29that New Zealand Percy throwers tend to cultivate.

00:47:34It's an Antipodean variety of phlox.

00:47:39You know what phlox are.

00:47:41You know, shepherds watch them.

00:47:43LAUGHTER

00:47:45It's a flower vaguely resembling...

00:47:47Vaguely resembling a sort of human eye,

00:47:50across which, when every puff of wind,

00:47:52the petals appear to give a kind of...

00:47:55Well, you know, the semblance of a wink.

00:47:57That's why it's called a dandy wink.

00:47:59How sweet.

00:48:01It's the right sort of hole in a stook of corn,

00:48:04so that the wind can dry it out.

00:48:06It's kind of a lift for hoisting things aboard a ship,

00:48:10and it's a shrub.

00:48:12Joanna.

00:48:14Do it. Yes, I'll do it.

00:48:17It's not the gap in the stook.

00:48:19Stooks are made in such a way that they have gaps in them.

00:48:22They don't have to have holes made in the gaps.

00:48:24Wrong.

00:48:25It's ice cold.

00:48:26Flowers winking.

00:48:27You're trying to get us on this hollyhock dandy wink.

00:48:29No, no, it is Patrick's.

00:48:31It is Patrick's winch for old ladies.

00:48:34That's what he said.

00:48:36He said it was something for...

00:48:38It's you.

00:48:39Hoisting things aboard.

00:48:40Show us, Patrick.

00:48:41Patrick Straw.

00:48:43APPLAUSE

00:48:46It was a flying girth, wasn't it?

00:48:51Something for hoisting stuff, you know, onto a ship.

00:48:55So we have a three-tuner.

00:48:57A credemnon is the next word.

00:48:59Joanna, your turn.

00:49:01A credemnon was a Greek fire basket set atop a pole,

00:49:04which the pole was then wedged in amongst the rocks.

00:49:07And it burnt at night-time,

00:49:09and it was a navigational aid to mariners.

00:49:11And in fact, it was the dousing, the putting out of the credemnons,

00:49:14at Cairon, in 405 BC,

00:49:17that caused the shipwreck of the Spartan fleet.

00:49:20LAUGHTER

00:49:21Needless to say, all right, I'll post it there.

00:49:24Frank, you're up.

00:49:26A credemnon was the...

00:49:28LAUGHTER

00:49:30I don't know what I've put here.

00:49:32It was the sacred creed of the Shunamites.

00:49:37And the Shunamites, I have no need to remind you,

00:49:40were one of the lost tribes of Israel,

00:49:43who were lost, and then they got found again.

00:49:46And this creed is recited, and it's enormously long.

00:49:50It contains 800 separate sentences, so the reciter has got to...

00:49:54We've got enough.

00:49:56The reciter has got to have a tremendous amount of guts

00:50:01and tenacity and spittle,

00:50:04otherwise your mouth goes dry.

00:50:06You can't recite more than about 500 verses

00:50:08without your mouth going dry.

00:50:10I'd better shut up.

00:50:12Next, please.

00:50:14Thank you, Patrick.

00:50:15Russell.

00:50:17If you were a fashionable Greek lady, Nanette,

00:50:21I mean, in the Grecian times,

00:50:23you would wear a credemnon,

00:50:25which was a very, very long, wispy, specially made veil.

00:50:29Ritualistically, you would wind it around your head three times,

00:50:33and then three times around whichever part of your torso

00:50:37you could reach with what bit was left over

00:50:40from three times around your head.

00:50:42Yes, fair enough.

00:50:44Sort of a very, very voluminous veil.

00:50:49The creed of the Shunamites, I think it was.

00:50:53And a warning to mariners.

00:50:55Nanette.

00:50:57Well, I'm so frightened not to think that it's Joanna,

00:51:00because I'm sure, sure that it's...

00:51:02It almost has to be...

00:51:04It almost has to be...

00:51:06And I don't think somehow Frank's 800 verses have...

00:51:12Forget it, dear.

00:51:14Take my advice.

00:51:16Russell, well, all that winding round of the veils and things,

00:51:20I don't know, it's sort of...

00:51:22I adore Russell so much.

00:51:24I have to think, Russell, that I hope that it's you.

00:51:28So do I.

00:51:30LAUGHTER

00:51:32That was more of a plea than a choice.

00:51:34That girl at the end of Streetcar Named Desire said,

00:51:37never throw yourself upon the kindness of strangers.

00:51:40Right?

00:51:42Let's see whether it's true or bluff.

00:51:44They're all mixed up there, too.

00:51:46No, they're not mixed up, I know exactly where I am.

00:51:48That's the honest version.

00:51:50Nearly.

00:51:52APPLAUSE

00:51:54This is rather smiling time.

00:51:58Greek veil, just like he said.

00:52:00Oh, I'm sorry to ring twice.

00:52:02I only want another one word.

00:52:04There we have giz, jiz, I know.

00:52:06Patrick Campbell, what does he say?

00:52:10It's called giz.

00:52:12It's a pigeon fancier's name for an ailment that...

00:52:16LAUGHTER

00:52:18..that affects his fancies.

00:52:20LAUGHTER

00:52:22Not sheep disease, but far worse.

00:52:25Because it's called in pigeons...

00:52:27It's called crop.

00:52:29..rust.

00:52:31LAUGHTER

00:52:33Or jiz.

00:52:35These poor birds bluntly around with crop rust.

00:52:39LAUGHTER

00:52:41They can hardly breathe.

00:52:43I can't agree, not being people with AI,

00:52:45they can't even take off the ground.

00:52:47They sit there with crop rust or jiz,

00:52:51day after day,

00:52:53until death supervenes.

00:52:55LAUGHTER

00:52:58Dreadful nude.

00:53:00We'll have Brian Forbes now.

00:53:02Well, a giz is Scottish vernacular for a wig,

00:53:07a particular sort of cheap, rather worsted wig,

00:53:10as might be worn by an indigenant grocer.

00:53:14And I don't suppose those of you who've been on the programme before

00:53:17would be too surprised to know

00:53:19that I have a totally incomprehensible quote from Robbie Burns.

00:53:22Oh, great.

00:53:24And so with apologies to the Celtic football team,

00:53:26I'm going to read, because I cannot not read it.

00:53:28We reek it duds and rest it giz.

00:53:32You did present your smutty fizz.

00:53:35Well put.

00:53:37LAUGHTER

00:53:39Leaves very little more to say, does it?

00:53:41But I think I'll ask Nanette to tell us something.

00:53:43Well, a giz is the very stuff that nightmares are made of.

00:53:48It's an apparition that appears before you

00:53:52when you're asleep, in your imagination.

00:53:54And it is something quite horrific

00:53:56that presses down upon you and suffocates you.

00:53:59It's one of those terrifying dreams where you fight to wake up.

00:54:02And I have to admit that there has been a general consensus of opinion

00:54:07that this apparition is usually, this giz,

00:54:12is usually in female form.

00:54:15Right, well, we've got the statutory pigeon disease.

00:54:21We've got a monster out of a nightmare.

00:54:24And, along with a quote from Robbie Burns,

00:54:26and of course no game's complete without that, a wig.

00:54:29Frank, you choose.

00:54:31We are pusillanimous.

00:54:33And unanimous.

00:54:35The Scottish grocer's wig we've put out to hand.

00:54:42And if anyone was easy to fake, it's the poet Burns.

00:54:46I didn't...

00:54:49HE MUMBLES

00:54:52No, forget that.

00:54:54Female apparition is interesting, a nice thought,

00:54:58but I think one would have come across the word, wouldn't one?

00:55:01I don't know. I'm getting a bad thought about that. Go on.

00:55:04I cannot think that Paddy would make up that most harrowing story.

00:55:10LAUGHTER

00:55:12A pigeon with crop failure.

00:55:14LAUGHTER

00:55:16Failing to get up off the ground.

00:55:19Running towards the fence and then not being able to make it.

00:55:22It must...

00:55:24LAUGHTER

00:55:27It must be you, Paddy.

00:55:29A very subtle performance from Patrick there.

00:55:31True or bluff, my lad?

00:55:33You're a fool, aren't you?

00:55:35APPLAUSE

00:55:40Once again, it wasn't the disease of pigeons, nor yet of sheep.

00:55:43Who gave the true definition? Must have it.

00:55:46Got it there.

00:55:48APPLAUSE

00:55:54I don't know whether the Burns was, you know, authentic,

00:55:57but anyway... Adequate.

00:55:59Probably, yeah, adequate, yes.

00:56:01But anyway, giz does mean wig.

00:56:04Now, 5-2, we've got a fairly comfortable, swift time to get this one in.

00:56:08Pandan, Frank, your turn.

00:56:10A pandan is... Oops.

00:56:12A pandan is a welcoming poet,

00:56:15usually of five lines which Tamil recites in Malaysia to his guest.

00:56:22He recites this little thingy, the pandan.

00:56:26And only the first, third and fifth lines have to rhyme.

00:56:30And this little, tiny, rather elegant, sweet verse form

00:56:34was made much use of by the poet Austin Dobson.

00:56:38Right, let us speed gently on. Russell.

00:56:41It's a small, beautifully made, tastefully and richly decorated

00:56:47beetle nut juice box.

00:56:50Beetle nut.

00:56:52Beetle nut. N-U-T. Nut.

00:56:54Nut box.

00:56:56You know, if you lived in eastern parts,

00:56:59you offered your beetle nut juice to a gentleman,

00:57:02if you should be sitting next to one, or a lady, even,

00:57:05as gentlemen in Old England offered each other snuff boxes,

00:57:08it's a rich, tastefully decorated beetle nut juice box.

00:57:12Joanna, very quickly, if you will.

00:57:14It used to be called pandano, it's now called pandan.

00:57:17It's shortcrust pastry.

00:57:19I wish I hadn't said it. With marzipan and nutmeg, all making it rich.

00:57:23And you put strips of it on Lady Sunderland's pudding.

00:57:26It's pastry, you say. It's pastry.

00:57:29It's a beetle nut juice box.

00:57:32And it's a nice little welcoming poem.

00:57:35Patrick.

00:57:37One quick guess, is it?

00:57:39Well, quickish.

00:57:41Yes.

00:57:43They're always running up pastry and cakes.

00:57:47Thistle soup and dribble like that.

00:57:49Thistle soup.

00:57:52Whatever your...

00:57:56Choose one.

00:57:58It is the foul work of Austen Dobson.

00:58:00Frank, you said all that stuff about the welcoming poem.

00:58:03Will you tell us now, through our bluff?

00:58:05It's a bluff, isn't it?

00:58:11And the true one, as quick as you like.

00:58:14And there it is.

00:58:19It is a box containing beetle nut juice,

00:58:22and you offer it around and enjoy it and so forth.

00:58:24So then, it's perfectly clear that the winners this time,

00:58:27the score standing at 5-3, are or is Patrick Campbell.

00:58:39And I suppose a round of applause for the other fellows too.

00:58:42And Lady, I suppose.

00:58:48So we shall have some more words rehabilitated from the OED

00:58:51for about half an hour or so next week.

00:58:53Until then, goodbye from Brian Forbes.

00:58:58Russell Harty.

00:59:00Nanette Newman.

00:59:02Joanna Lumley.

00:59:04Patrick Campbell.

00:59:06Frank Bure.

00:59:08And goodbye.

00:59:27APPLAUSE

00:59:47Hello, hello. Good evening.

00:59:49This is Call My Bluff, featuring the inventor of the gold brick,

00:59:53Frank Muir.

00:59:58My first guest is an actress who's been delighting us enormously

01:00:02in The Good Life, also in a smashing commercial,

01:00:05and also in what is known as London's West End.

01:00:09It's Penny Keith.

01:00:15And the gentleman on my left is a literary editor of Punch.

01:00:19He's also 25% of a group who got an LP out,

01:00:23and they're called Instant Sunshine,

01:00:25which I think is the perfect nickname for Miles Kington.

01:00:34And dealing off the bottom of the pack as usual, Patrick Campbell.

01:00:38Good evening.

01:00:44My first guest was miles away from getting born

01:00:47when I first knew her father in Dublin, about 40 years ago.

01:00:51But fortunately, his oversight was repaired

01:00:53just in time to bring her here tonight.

01:00:55Lovely Sinead Cusack.

01:01:02And the other performer, my assistant,

01:01:05bound into the public eye by playing a rather difficult part

01:01:08of an impotent poet in Upstairs and Downstairs.

01:01:11But he's been bounding around as a much more impotent act...

01:01:15potent actor...

01:01:17ever since Ian Ogilvie.

01:01:21APPLAUSE

01:01:27It's going to be difficult to improve on that.

01:01:29Anyway, we'll have to try by ringing the bell.

01:01:31Getting a word, mondongo.

01:01:33Jolly good word, I think, and you may recall what happens

01:01:36is that Frank and his team are going to define mondongo

01:01:38in three different ways.

01:01:40Two of the definitions of bogus, one's true,

01:01:42and that's the one that Patrick and Co are going to try and find.

01:01:45So what about this word, Frank?

01:01:47It's so obvious for a beginning word, isn't it?

01:01:50Everyone knows this, doesn't they? Mondongo.

01:01:53It's a Venezuelan national dish.

01:01:57Surely you know that. Tripe soup.

01:02:00Yes, it's tripe soup. It's quite easy to make, actually.

01:02:03You get a local animal, mountain goat, mountain sheep, llama,

01:02:08and you simmer it over lowish fire,

01:02:12and at the right moment, it's...

01:02:16You get the giblets and the entry of that.

01:02:19They like it.

01:02:21Venezuelan giblet soup, you'd say, really.

01:02:25Or tripe soup.

01:02:27Tripe soup sounds like another name for cormier bluff,

01:02:31but tripe soup, I don't know.

01:02:33Miles, your go.

01:02:35Well, if mondongo was still made today,

01:02:37we'd probably be able to show you some on the programme,

01:02:39because it would no doubt be round Frank Muir's neck.

01:02:42In a bow tie, I mean.

01:02:44It's a rather attractive, densely woven, twilled cotton,

01:02:48which was made once upon a time in the Algarve district of Portugal,

01:02:52and we would never have heard of it,

01:02:54except that it was imported into this country,

01:02:56and it was made into fancy waistcoats

01:02:58with which gentlemen covered their manly chests,

01:03:01and small mats with which ladies covered their dressing tables.

01:03:07All right, so now it's Penelope, Keith, your go.

01:03:10Yes, well, a mondongo is a person who is half Spanish and half Cuban,

01:03:14especially one who has a Spanish father and a Cuban mother.

01:03:18Now, surprisingly enough,

01:03:20General Zayas, who led the Cuban army against Spain in the 1840s,

01:03:25was himself a mondongo.

01:03:28So, that's what it means.

01:03:30They said a Spanish-Cuban tripe soup,

01:03:35Portuguese cotton, kind of cotton,

01:03:37from Portugal.

01:03:38Patrick.

01:03:39Yes.

01:03:40Mm-hmm.

01:03:41Just a minute.

01:03:46We just blazed away.

01:03:47No.

01:03:49Well, now, let us see what we've got.

01:03:53Tripe, as you well know, is not giblets.

01:03:56Either you're making a tripe out of the stomachs of sheep,

01:04:00or you're pulling the giblets out of the sheep to boil them.

01:04:04Pulling the giblets out of the sheep to boil them.

01:04:07Dismissed.

01:04:08Sorry.

01:04:09It's our time.

01:04:11Not yet.

01:04:12Oh, be sorry.

01:04:14Portuguese cotton.

01:04:16Oh, it's half Spanish.

01:04:19There's no such thing as a half Spanish...

01:04:22I believe it's Portuguese cotton.

01:04:25Portuguese cotton, that was.

01:04:27It's not, is it?

01:04:28Miles Kington, tell us true or bluff.

01:04:30It's not.

01:04:31No, no.

01:04:34APPLAUSE

01:04:39Well, I wonder now who gave the true definition.

01:04:42It's always the oddest, isn't it?

01:04:44Oh, my God!

01:04:46APPLAUSE

01:04:54Yep, Mondongo is tripe soup.

01:04:56I still think it's a very good name for a panel game.

01:04:59Perhaps someone will invent it sooner or later.

01:05:01Mitchell is the next one.

01:05:02Patrick, your go.

01:05:04Mitchell is a rare, very particularly...

01:05:09..unique...

01:05:11..unique stone that comes from Purbeck.

01:05:16Of course, Dorset.

01:05:19Use it for paving your patio.

01:05:22But the difficulty with Purbeck...

01:05:24I mean, not only with Purbeck, but with Mitchell's,

01:05:27is they've got to be exactly 24 inches by 15.

01:05:31Otherwise, it's not a Mitchell.

01:05:35What is it?

01:05:36Yeah, yeah.

01:05:38Paving stone.

01:05:39Paving stone.

01:05:40It has to be the right shape.

01:05:42Ian Ogilvie.

01:05:43Mitchell.

01:05:44It's Cockney rhyming slang for knuckle.

01:05:48So you give them a Mitchell.

01:05:52Or plural, give them Mitchells.

01:05:55And it derives from a name of a...

01:05:59..of a large East End warehouseman firm

01:06:02called Mitchell and Buckle.

01:06:04Knuckle. Mitchell and Buckle.

01:06:06Knuckle. Mitchell. Give them a Mitchell.

01:06:08LAUGHTER

01:06:09Yes, yes.

01:06:10I've heard more extravagant things on this programme.

01:06:13Yep. Sinead, your turn.

01:06:15Well, a Mitchell is a domestic hand churn

01:06:20for making very small quantities of butter.

01:06:23Very little butter.

01:06:25And it usually takes the form of a very small miniature barrel

01:06:32which is moved backwards and forwards very laboriously

01:06:36by a lever which moves through approximately 60 degrees.

01:06:42And that's what a Mitchell is.

01:06:46Right, so it's a kind of a paving stone of a certain shape from Purbeck.

01:06:50It's rhyming slang for knuckle and it's a butter churn.

01:06:54Frank.

01:06:58Oh, back to the old roulette.

01:07:01Well, it cannot be...

01:07:03And it's a well-known fact that a paving stone in Purbeck

01:07:07is called a Purbeck paving stone.

01:07:09LAUGHTER

01:07:10It's known throughout the Western Hemisphere.

01:07:14Bit worried about the...

01:07:16Well, I'm worried about all three.

01:07:18Mitchell would be spelt with an L, wouldn't it, if it was rhyming slang?

01:07:22That's the name, Mitchell and knuckle, buckle.

01:07:25But the hand churn... I don't understand hand churns at all

01:07:28and so I'm going for the rhyming slang.

01:07:31Ah, the knuckle that he spoke of, yes, that was Ian Ogilvie.

01:07:34Was it true or was it just a tease?

01:07:39Nothing?

01:07:40APPLAUSE

01:07:46No, wasn't it, wasn't it, wasn't it?

01:07:48Now we'll find out who gave the true definition.

01:07:50I'm sure we shall.

01:07:51Some people don't know anything about Purbeck stones.

01:07:54APPLAUSE

01:08:00So much for roulette.

01:08:02Mitchell does mean, you know, paving stone from Purbeck.

01:08:06Now we have knitter and I think it's Miles Kington to have a turn.

01:08:10Well, a knitter is a kind of bee.

01:08:12Now, most bees fly around gathering pollen for honey, but knits don't.

01:08:17They prefer to deposit knits on horses.

01:08:20That's why they're called knitters.

01:08:22And these knits so deposited on horses irritate the horse extremely

01:08:26but cause no irritation at all to the knitter.

01:08:28If they did, of course, they wouldn't do it.

01:08:30You know, it's very sensible.

01:08:32Yes.

01:08:34So, Penelope, your go.

01:08:36Well, a knitter is old Barakrum slang for the brass guard

01:08:40that a soldier used to use

01:08:42to put round his brass buttons on his uniform when he was brasso-ing them

01:08:46so the brasso wouldn't get on to the khaki uniform.

01:08:49It's an oblong with a slot in the middle

01:08:51and you could slot the buttons in and just polish away

01:08:54and get lovely bright buttons but no brasso on your uniform.

01:08:57A knitter.

01:08:58Yep.

01:08:59Frank.

01:09:01Knitter is a...

01:09:03It's a trifle, a triviality,

01:09:06but one which is irksome.

01:09:09I don't like them very much.

01:09:11It's...

01:09:13Tobias Smollett,

01:09:15I remember, traduced by malice, as he said,

01:09:18fled to the continent

01:09:20and in his book, A Journey Through France and Italy,

01:09:24he said, as I recall,

01:09:27a curse upon those who were their follies and their knitter

01:09:31to beset and pester me.

01:09:38To beset and pester me.

01:09:42For the third time.

01:09:44And pester me.

01:09:46Oh, pester you?

01:09:48Yes.

01:09:50He was a Scottish gentleman, I didn't say that.

01:09:53Good stuff, good stuff.

01:09:55Right, so it's a brass that you stick behind buttons

01:09:58before you polish them.

01:10:00It's a trifle, a thing of naught

01:10:02and it's a nasty sort of insect depositing nits on horses, I think.

01:10:07Ian Ogilvie, your turn to choose.

01:10:10I don't think it's a bee that puts nits on horses, somehow.

01:10:15I mean, yes, I just don't think it's that.

01:10:19I don't know why.

01:10:22Frank's irksome triviality

01:10:25and a quotation. I'm not sure I like quotations.

01:10:28No.

01:10:30It smacks of trying to pull us one way or another.

01:10:33I think it's Penelope's button guard, I do.

01:10:37That's what she said, you slid them...

01:10:39There is such a thing, I know that for certain.

01:10:41Whether we call this, I don't know. Penelope, true or bluff?

01:10:44Ah, no, it's Penelope.

01:10:51So, which of the other ones, was it the thing of naught

01:10:54or was it the, yes, the bee that deposited nits?

01:10:57It's the bee.

01:10:59APPLAUSE

01:11:04It's the bee of which Miles Kington spoke.

01:11:07We'll have another word, and that word is gamming

01:11:09and the score standing at 2-1.

01:11:11Ian Ogilvie to define it.

01:11:13Gamming.

01:11:15It's...

01:11:17It's all about whaling.

01:11:19Now, the life of a whaler is a very lonely one.

01:11:23He spends his whole time on a ship in the middle of the Arctic

01:11:26and he never gets any get-togethers,

01:11:28except occasionally when he goes in for a gamming.

01:11:34A gamming is when all the whaling captains and crews

01:11:38have a get-together in mid-ocean

01:11:41for the sole and express purpose of social intercourse.

01:11:46In a gamming hill.

01:11:48LAUGHTER

01:11:50Oh, my God.

01:11:52How much of you are allowed there, I guess?

01:11:54They've all got one leg.

01:11:56It must be very chilly, but there.

01:11:58Sinead, your go.

01:12:00Well, a gamming is an absolute must

01:12:03if you live in a house surrounded by quicksand or bog.

01:12:09You must have a gamming.

01:12:11In fact, you must have two gammings.

01:12:14Because a gamming is a flat board

01:12:18shaped a bit like a snowshoe

01:12:20with straps attached to be fitted onto the foot

01:12:25so that the wearer can glide over the quicksand or bog,

01:12:30as the case may be.

01:12:32That's a gamming.

01:12:34All right, now it's Patrick's turn to go.

01:12:38You can remain fairly cool about...

01:12:41..gamming, or gammy, as it's really known,

01:12:45because it's only granulated pig iron.

01:12:49A fairly tedious lump of stuff.

01:12:52They take a lump of pig iron, all surrounded by gravel,

01:12:56every kind of detritus, and they batter and beat it, sieve it.

01:13:01A hard grey grit comes out the other end,

01:13:04which is used for polishing machinery, that kind of thing.

01:13:07But...and that gets rather exciting.

01:13:10Because when the hopper comes down and picks up this grey grit...

01:13:15The one-legged whaler.

01:13:17LAUGHTER

01:13:19When the hopper comes down and picks up the grit,

01:13:23it puts it into a gammy bag.

01:13:26That's the exciting bit about the one-legged whaler.

01:13:29LAUGHTER

01:13:31So you say, then, that it's a big flat board

01:13:34for walking over quicksand or bog,

01:13:36it's a party for whalers in the middle of the ocean,

01:13:39and it's granulated pig iron.

01:13:41A thrill a minute.

01:13:43Miles?

01:13:45I wasn't listening terribly careful to Sinead.

01:13:47I got the impression it was a sort of moving house, a great duckboard.

01:13:51Oh, no, it's like a snowshoe.

01:13:53The duckboard worn on the foot.

01:13:55On the foot? Oh, certainly.

01:13:57Yes, thank you.

01:13:59You may stand up.

01:14:01Granulated pig iron.

01:14:05Ah.

01:14:07I like the whalers' party.

01:14:09The whalers' party, yes.

01:14:11Ian Ogilvie said that. Was it true?

01:14:13I'm going for it, too.

01:14:15I assumed you would.

01:14:19APPLAUSE

01:14:29It's certainly absolutely right

01:14:31that gamming is this curious get-together

01:14:34in the middle of the Arctic for sailors.

01:14:373-1. We've got a word called Simpson,

01:14:40and it's Penelope's Go.

01:14:42Simpson, in the Victorian era,

01:14:44was jocular slang for a person,

01:14:46especially a child,

01:14:48who was always whimpering and complaining.

01:14:50And, in fact, Captain Marriott

01:14:52wrote in one of his short stories for children,

01:14:55he actually wrote,

01:14:57"'Go indoors and dry yourself,' said Aunt May,

01:15:00"'and stop standing, whimpering,

01:15:02"'like a nasty little Simpson.'"

01:15:04LAUGHTER

01:15:06Whimpering child.

01:15:08Absolutely. Now, Frank, your go.

01:15:12Simpson is a verb.

01:15:14I, Simpson.

01:15:18Thou, Simpsonist.

01:15:20He, she, Simpsons.

01:15:23They, Simpson.

01:15:25We, Simpson.

01:15:28Past tense.

01:15:30It means to adulterate milk with water,

01:15:34and it's...

01:15:37The novel is Tobias Smollett.

01:15:40He's back.

01:15:42He's in a novel called Humphrey Klinker,

01:15:44wrote about adulterated food in London,

01:15:47and apparently, not only do they have water,

01:15:50but they used to crack snails and drop those in

01:15:53and shake it up and it frothed the milk

01:15:55and made it look fresh.

01:15:57This is late... Bear with me.

01:15:59This is late... The bell will go in a moment

01:16:02and you can have breakfast.

01:16:04It's moving on, you know.

01:16:06Late 18th century, that was.

01:16:08By the 1960s, a milkman called Simpson was arrested for doing this

01:16:12and, to this day, to Simpson,

01:16:15I, Simpson, thou, Simpsonist,

01:16:17means to add water to milk, to adulterate it.

01:16:21People, that's right.

01:16:23We couldn't bear to mention it ever again.

01:16:27Well, now, I'm sure it's long overdue for Miles Kington to have a word.

01:16:31Yes, I'm sorry to interrupt the Reith lectures,

01:16:33but I would like to get a word in.

01:16:35Simpson, in fact, was an old word

01:16:37used 100 years ago in America,

01:16:39one of the many words at the time,

01:16:41for a sort of magic lantern,

01:16:43and it was named after the man who invented it.

01:16:45It was called Finlay. Simpson.

01:16:52It was not usually used by itself,

01:16:54but in conjunction with another word,

01:16:56like Simpson Show, that was a magic lantern show.

01:16:58You'd say, let's go round to the Reichenbachers

01:17:00and have a look at the Simpson Show.

01:17:02I hear there are some super slides of that occasion.

01:17:04Yeah, yeah.

01:17:06They did. They don't need longer.

01:17:08No. Someone came along and put a bag over their heads.

01:17:10I suppose we're going to stop.

01:17:12So, it's to water milk.

01:17:14It's a magic lantern and it's a snivelling child.

01:17:17Sinead, your turn.

01:17:19Well, it's very difficult.

01:17:21I think Frank's definition

01:17:26of the adulterating the milk...

01:17:29I'm beginning to lose faith in Tobias...

01:17:32LAUGHTER

01:17:34..and his anecdotes,

01:17:36so I think I'll give that one a miss.

01:17:38Now, Miles's American word for a magic lantern...

01:17:43I don't think a Simpson has a magic feel to it.

01:17:48Well, that's why it became extinct, of course.

01:17:51Ah. Yes, I'll explain it.

01:17:53No, but I still... I don't think I'll go for that one.

01:17:56No, I think I'll plump for Penny's...

01:18:01I'll plump for Penny's snivelling child.

01:18:04That's an absolute treat, because it's the first plump of this new series

01:18:08and I'm just personally very well pleased.

01:18:10She plumped for you, Penelope.

01:18:12You said it was that.

01:18:14APPLAUSE

01:18:20Not a snivelling child.

01:18:22We'll learn the true one now.

01:18:24Well, Tobias Smollett.

01:18:26LAUGHTER

01:18:33It's the act of watering milkies, to Simpson.

01:18:364-1, I say.

01:18:38Fidge is our next word and it's Sinead Cusick to tell us.

01:18:43Well, fidge, as must surely be clear to one and all,

01:18:49is a verb describing the action of somebody who's very fidgety.

01:18:57Somebody who twitches or shrugs or scratches

01:19:03or otherwise shows signs of st. Vitus dance, really.

01:19:09And it can also be used as a noun.

01:19:12You could say that somebody who is very fidgety, a bit like me,

01:19:16would be described as being in a fidge.

01:19:20And that's what the word fidge means.

01:19:22In a fidge? No, fidge. Patrick.

01:19:25It's a verb, of course. It's too fidge.

01:19:29It's done by shepherds.

01:19:31I fidge, thou fidget.

01:19:33It's done by shepherds that approach sheep with enormous shears

01:19:41for the purpose of cutting the wool

01:19:45off from underneath the sheep's tail and all around it.

01:19:53This is not wholly unconnected with the multiplication of the flock.

01:20:00If you want any more of that, I'll see you in the dressing room.

01:20:04Ian Ogilvie tells us.

01:20:07I'm getting away from Smollett now because I'm going to quote from Mallory's Arthur.

01:20:12Sir Hector in fidge cast his spear

01:20:15and drawing sword smote his enemy a great buffet.

01:20:19A fidge is a rest or a support for a spear or a lance

01:20:25as carried by a mounted man-at-arms.

01:20:27It's a kind of little leather stirrup

01:20:30attached to the saddle

01:20:32and he'd carry his lance or his spear like that.

01:20:35That's what a fidge is.

01:20:38Right. So, they say that it's one who fidgets.

01:20:42It's a support for a spear or lance

01:20:44and it's shaving a sheep's tail. Penelope, choose.

01:20:49Well, I haven't carried many spears recently

01:20:54but I don't think I'd use my fidge for carrying a spear.

01:20:57Seeing Patrick in the dressing room after is a lovely thought

01:21:00but I don't think you...

01:21:04I don't think one would fidge a sheep.

01:21:07No, I think it's a fidgety-twitchety fidgety-twitchety.

01:21:11I think it's Sinead's fidge.

01:21:13Yes, Sinead Cusack said that. Was she telling the truth?

01:21:16Was it a bluff?

01:21:19Yes.

01:21:21APPLAUSE

01:21:24Yes.

01:21:32Yes. A fidge. What else could it be?

01:21:35Well, it could have been all the other things as well but it wasn't.

01:21:38It was one who fidgets. Scribbit is the next one. Frank.

01:21:41Ah, yes. A scribbit, terribly handy

01:21:44if you've got an old wooden bucket and the string has broken

01:21:47or, in fact, you've got a modern metal bucket.

01:21:49It's a piece of wood that you put through the ears of the bucket

01:21:53if it lacks a handle or if it contains something very heavy

01:21:56and lift it up by.

01:21:58It's a good idea. Sort of a wooden rod, you know.

01:22:02Yes, well, now, what can Miles Kington do for us?

01:22:05Well, the last time you looked at the bottom of a greyhound's foot

01:22:09you probably noticed that the pad underneath is very soft

01:22:13and that's known as a scribbit.

01:22:15Now, these days, greyhounds are used mostly for the purpose of chasing

01:22:18a bionic hare around the White City.

01:22:21But in the old days, when it was a hunting animal,

01:22:24the scribbit was much more at danger from scratching by stones and thorns

01:22:28and they actually used to put little elegant leather booties

01:22:31on the greyhound's scribbit when it went out.

01:22:33The scribbit has now gone out as well.

01:22:35And, actually, it would be a good idea to bring them back

01:22:38because then you could put the maker's name on and flash in the TV.

01:22:41Scribbit.

01:22:43Right. Penelope Keith.

01:22:45Well, a scribbit, it no doubt derives from the word to scribe or inscribe,

01:22:51is in fact a piece of charcoal that an artist uses to draw with,

01:22:55make their mark with.

01:22:57And it's a not very well-known fact outside artistic circles

01:23:01that the best scribbits are actually made

01:23:05from a very slowly burnt piece of willow.

01:23:09Once you burn it right down,

01:23:11you get this most wonderful scribbit for drawing with.

01:23:14Right, so it's a fairly temporary bucket handle.

01:23:17It's a stick of charcoal you draw with

01:23:19and it's the underside of a greyhound's foot.

01:23:23Yeah. Patrick.

01:23:25I don't know my own name by this time.

01:23:27It's George.

01:23:29That's me, yes.

01:23:32A little booties for greyhounds.

01:23:35LAUGHTER

01:23:37No, that's...

01:23:40A wooden...

01:23:42If you've got a wooden rod shoved through the ears of a bucket,

01:23:47if the bucket has ears, that would be the day.

01:23:50An eared bucket.

01:23:53I don't...

01:23:55It's the kind of charcoal artists use.

01:23:57Ah, well, that was Penelope.

01:23:59She said that, wasn't it, that it was something you drew with.

01:24:01True or bluff?

01:24:03Oh!

01:24:05APPLAUSE

01:24:10Bullseye, stick of charcoal, that's what it is.

01:24:13We'll get on with another word.

01:24:15And here we have mipe.

01:24:17Patrick, you start.

01:24:20It's used in Norfolk.

01:24:22LAUGHTER

01:24:24And so many other things are used in Norfolk.

01:24:26If you want to cut reeds with dry feet...

01:24:32Maybe you could put a pair of welly boots on.

01:24:35If you left your welly tins at home

01:24:37and you go a-reeding, you get this huge long pole

01:24:40with a kind of sickle-shaped...

01:24:45..blade on the end of it.

01:24:47Shoved into the water, I put it back,

01:24:49about six inches below the level of the water,

01:24:51and it's a huge, lovely bundle of cut reeds.

01:24:54In Norfolk.

01:24:56Splendid idea. Always.

01:24:58Yes. Norfolk might not bear that in mind.

01:25:00Ian.

01:25:02A mipe is a Welsh parsnip.

01:25:04A mipe is a Welsh parsnip.

01:25:06But it's important to remember that it is not a wild parsnip

01:25:10or an untamed parsnip.

01:25:12It's a very common, garden, quiet, gentle, little,

01:25:17domestic Welsh parsnip.

01:25:19That's what it is.

01:25:21Yes. Nice and neat to see all that snared.

01:25:25Well, a mipe is an amount of corn

01:25:29that's given as a reward to a volunteer harvester.

01:25:33Somebody who says he'll help with the harvest.

01:25:35And the amount varies from place to place, from county to county,

01:25:40the amount of corn that's given as a reward.

01:25:42But I do know for a fact that in Glastonbury, in Somerset,

01:25:47that there is a saying in Glastonbury, in Somerset,

01:25:51that the amount is as much corn

01:25:55as a volunteer can hold on his middle finger

01:26:00and raise as high as his knee.

01:26:06That's another sort of panel game, too.

01:26:09Anyway, it's a parsnip.

01:26:11Payment of corn to someone who just said he'd lend a hand

01:26:14and a reed-cutting instrument.

01:26:16Frank?

01:26:17I couldn't understand Miss Chouinard's thing

01:26:21about the finger full of corn.

01:26:24Well, lift it up, you know, balance it.

01:26:26It had to be very heavy.

01:26:28On the end of your finger?

01:26:29Yeah, that's why you wouldn't get it higher than your knee.

01:26:31It's a sack, remember?

01:26:34Yes, yes.

01:26:36No, no, no.

01:26:38It's all in there somewhere.

01:26:40May I pass on?

01:26:42Exactly.

01:26:44We can dismiss the parsnip, I mean, that's rubbish.

01:26:47But on the other hand,

01:26:50my colleague and I were having a debate about this.

01:26:54Now, there you are in your bare feet

01:26:56and you've got this long pole with a sickle on the end.

01:26:58You've cut the willows, the reeds.

01:27:01Well, how do you get them out?

01:27:03They float.

01:27:06I demonstrated by the arm.

01:27:08No, you've revealed yourself as an imposter.

01:27:11So it must be the Welsh parsnip.

01:27:13The parsnip, and you sneered at that at the beginning.

01:27:16Let's see whether he chose well.

01:27:18Ian Ogilvie, true or...

01:27:20APPLAUSE

01:27:26What was wrong with my little lot?

01:27:28Yes, what was wrong with the reed-cutter?

01:27:31You cut the reeds and they fall into the water.

01:27:34Wouldn't work, would it?

01:27:36Don't lurk around with me if you don't mean it, dear.

01:27:39LAUGHTER

01:27:41He'll show you his reed-cutter in the dressing room after the digestion.

01:27:44Anyway, that rather brings us to the end,

01:27:46as you probably guessed because we're all nattering on and not doing anything particular.

01:27:50So, the score standing at, yes, 6-2,

01:27:53I declare that Frank Muir's team has won.

01:27:56APPLAUSE

01:28:02And I've no doubt you'll want to shed a tear or clap a hand

01:28:06for the poor old losers, Patrick Campbell.

01:28:09APPLAUSE

01:28:13So, next week, I dare say, we'll have a red flag

01:28:16walking in front of all those definitions yet again.

01:28:19Until then, goodbye from Miles Kington.

01:28:22APPLAUSE

01:28:25Ian Ogilvie.

01:28:29Penelope Keith.

01:28:32Sinead Cusack.

01:28:35Frank Muir.

01:28:38Patrick Campbell.

01:28:41And goodbye.

01:28:43APPLAUSE

01:28:52APPLAUSE

01:29:08APPLAUSE

01:29:17Hello. Yes, this is Call My Bluff,

01:29:19featuring the old Hibernian brush salesman, Patrick Campbell.

01:29:23APPLAUSE

01:29:29Tonight, I'm 103 after last week's inconceivable disaster.

01:29:35Fortunately, my two aides are quite younger, even lovelier than ever.

01:29:40The first one is...

01:29:43Sinead Cusack.

01:29:45APPLAUSE

01:29:49And the other one, with a brain packed in ice, is Ian Ogilvie.

01:29:54APPLAUSE

01:30:00And the man in the celluloid bowtie, Frank Muir.

01:30:03APPLAUSE

01:30:09We, modest in victory, return with our triumphant team

01:30:14first from the good life, delicious and very funny, Penny Keith.

01:30:19APPLAUSE

01:30:23And back comes instant sunshine himself,

01:30:27from the worlds of literature and music, Miles Kington.

01:30:31APPLAUSE

01:30:36I'll give you a word by ringing this bell.

01:30:38BELL RINGS

01:30:40And, well, two for the price of one.

01:30:42Hottie Tottie is the first word.

01:30:44And, as you may recall, Patrick Campbell, on this occasion,

01:30:47and his team, are going to define Hottie Tottie three different ways.

01:30:50Two are false. Two of the definitions are false.

01:30:52One is true. That's the one that Frank and co. try and pick out.

01:30:56So, what about Hottie Tottie, Patrick?

01:30:58Do I have your attention? Yes.

01:31:00Thank you.

01:31:02Called Hottie Tottie, it's a kind of curry-type stew,

01:31:07but without the curry powder.

01:31:09You've lost the attention.

01:31:12Hottie Tottie is a kind of curry-type stew without the curry powder.

01:31:16Much favoured by the poorer people

01:31:19in the southern states of the United States of America.

01:31:22It's made of...

01:31:24..uncured bacon,

01:31:27peas, not P-E-A-S,

01:31:30but P-E-A-S-E,

01:31:32and rice.

01:31:34We leave out the curry powder,

01:31:36but sprinkle it liberally with red pepper.

01:31:39This is why it's also called hopping jam.

01:31:42I should think so.

01:31:46Right, Ian Ogilvie tells us a thing.

01:31:49It's a sleeping bag.

01:31:51It's a World War I officer's sleeping bag.

01:31:55And it was called a Hottie Tottie.

01:31:58It was a jokey perversion of the maker's name.

01:32:01And the maker's name was

01:32:03Mrs Horton and Tothill of Houndsditch, London.

01:32:07It's a sleeping bag.

01:32:09Right, sleeping bag, you say.

01:32:11Sinead, what do you say?

01:32:13Well, I think the best way to explain what a Hottie Tottie is

01:32:17is to tell you that it's exactly the same thing as a Hottie Noddy.

01:32:21LAUGHTER

01:32:23A Hottie Noddy, as you probably know,

01:32:26is a very simple-minded, easy-going man

01:32:30who allows himself, quite happily,

01:32:33to be henpecked and persecuted by his womenfolk.

01:32:37So, in fact, you could say

01:32:39that a Hottie Tottie is very much your average man.

01:32:43Yep.

01:32:45Well, now, it's a sleeping bag,

01:32:48it's a peppery sort of a dish,

01:32:50and it's a henpecked husband.

01:32:52And, Frank, you're going to have to choose.

01:32:54I will turn to Paddy's hot soup.

01:32:57I'll just lie dangling there in your memory for a few moments.

01:33:02A sleeping bag, I don't think a World War officer would be seen dead

01:33:06sleeping in something called a Hottie Tottie.

01:33:08LAUGHTER

01:33:10I think Debs did that thing of Gary Harry for Grosvenor House.

01:33:13I wouldn't have thought it went right back to the First World War.

01:33:17The Hottie Noddy is very worrying,

01:33:22so I think we've got to come back to Paddy's rotten soup.

01:33:28Is that the one you're going to choose, Frank?

01:33:30You're going to have that. All right.

01:33:32Patrick, you said it. True or bluff?

01:33:34It's the most serious error you've made in weeks.

01:33:36Oh, no.

01:33:38APPLAUSE

01:33:42That's nothing whatever to do with pepper and all like that.

01:33:46Someone will now tell us what the true definition of the word was.

01:33:50Here he comes.

01:33:52Oh. Yes, indeed.

01:33:54APPLAUSE

01:33:57What's the number one?

01:34:00It's a sort of a henpecked chap.

01:34:02One, nil, and we get monet.

01:34:05Frank, your turn.

01:34:07Monet. Little silver coin which was abrogated by Henry II

01:34:14in the middle of the 12th century,

01:34:17and he abrogated them terribly well because virtually none left.

01:34:21If you get one of these little monets in your change up the supermarket,

01:34:25you'll be very, very rich indeed.

01:34:27Yes.

01:34:29Miles, what do you say?

01:34:31Well, monet is what the Americans call the French painter Monet,

01:34:34but we won't go into that.

01:34:36We've got time.

01:34:38No, I just thought I'd tell you.

01:34:40A monet is really an Australian word, a New South Wales word,

01:34:44and it's used for a sort of jasper pebble

01:34:47found in the mining area of New South Wales.

01:34:50And the coal that comes out of the mining area of New South Wales

01:34:53is screened very carefully for monet for two reasons.

01:34:56One, because it's a rather attractive pinkish mottled pebble

01:34:59and is used as a sort of semi-precious jewel.

01:35:01And the other reason is that if you put it in your fireplace along with the coal,

01:35:05it tends to explode,

01:35:07and it's no fun being bombarded by semi-precious jewels.

01:35:10No.

01:35:12Some fun, anyway.

01:35:14Not a lot, really.

01:35:16Anyway, but Penelope, tell us a thing.

01:35:18Well, a monet is a person

01:35:20who is physically the opposite of Mr Spock in Star Trek

01:35:24because it's someone with small, underdeveloped ears.

01:35:29And a very learned physiognomist writing in the 17th century

01:35:34gave as his opinion that a monet,

01:35:37a person with small ears,

01:35:40signified nothing but mischief and malice.

01:35:44Oh, no.

01:35:46Well, none of the chaps seem in much danger of that here.

01:35:49It's a people with... One with small ears.

01:35:52It's a nice sort of pebble, and it's a silver coin.

01:35:55Patrick?

01:35:57I think not even New South Wales

01:36:00take the trouble to mine precious...

01:36:03I suppose to put them in the fire so they can blow your head off.

01:36:06A fairly elaborate process, that one.

01:36:08No, by accident. It came with the coal.

01:36:11A coin.

01:36:14It sounds so like a coin, doesn't it?

01:36:18It's small ears, really.

01:36:21Small ears. Now, that was Penelope.

01:36:24I wonder, was she telling us the truth?

01:36:26Could be a bit smug there.

01:36:28She was!

01:36:30APPLAUSE

01:36:32New South Wales.

01:36:34New South Wales.

01:36:36New South Wales.

01:36:39A monet is a chap or a woman with small ears.

01:36:42That's what it is. 2-0. Well, well.

01:36:45Lerping is the next word, and Ian Ogilvie defines it.

01:36:49Lerping.

01:36:51That's a lerping.

01:36:53I will go into it further, if you like, but it's...

01:36:57Do it again. All right.

01:37:00It usually accompanies an expression such as

01:37:04or fiddle-dee-dee.

01:37:06It's a very rude gesture.

01:37:08It's a very contemptuous gesture.

01:37:11It's Victorian.

01:37:13I suppose it's the Victorian equivalent of Harvey Smith.

01:37:17LAUGHTER

01:37:20And now it's Sinead's go.

01:37:23Well, a lerping is a gate that doesn't have hinges.

01:37:29It's a gate that you have to lift up rather than swing open

01:37:34in order to get through it.

01:37:36You have to lift it up.

01:37:38And these, in fact, you can find them all over the place,

01:37:41but they were very common once upon a time in Cambridgeshire,

01:37:45where they were standard means of access

01:37:49to fens or dikes or the like.

01:37:53Yep.

01:37:55Yep.

1.Call My Bluff S11E1, S11E2, S11E3, S11E4 (1977) P. Keith, S. Cusack, J. Lumley,N. Newman,I. Ogilvy

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