Take a Letter, Mr. Jones (1981) - S01E05 - The Trade Fair
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00:00Take a left turn, Mr Jones, ignore the telephone You're a model, secretary, you don't leave
00:28me in a mess I get my satisfaction sharing your success
00:34Take a left turn, Mr Jones, you have my appreciation, you always save my life
00:41I'm a perfect combination, a computer and a wife
00:46You're a wonder, you're a model, you're a treasure
00:51Take a left turn, Mr Jones, end of letter, Mr Jones
01:13Good.
01:14Fifteen pages to that report.
01:15I'm glad to see the back of it.
01:18Oh, no.
01:19Daisy, leave the office.
01:20Why?
01:21What have I done?
01:22You haven't done anything, dear, but I want to say something and I don't want anybody
01:27to hear it.
01:28Will you trust me to retype it for you?
01:29Oh, thank you.
01:30What's the report for, Mr Jones?
01:31Well, the managing director wants a full rundown of all the divisions of 8-star to take to
01:32Milan Fair.
01:33Ooh, Milan.
01:34Hey, is that Italy?
01:35Well, it was last time I looked.
01:36Do you know, I went to Italy last year, Sorrento.
01:46It was great.
01:47What's Mr Lewis going to do in Milan?
01:48It's very important.
01:49He's got to show all the foreigners what Britain has to offer.
01:50Really?
01:51All's I did was lie on the beach all day in my bikini.
01:52Well, that's one way of doing it.
01:53It wasn't like that.
01:54I had me mother with me.
01:55That should cut down the export trade a bit.
01:56Here you are, Mr Jones.
01:57Thank you.
01:58I've finished this report, Mrs Warren.
01:59Oh, thank you, Graham.
02:00I'll just check it.
02:01I want to make sure the buyers at the fair know exactly what this division is doing.
02:02I thought you'd have been going to the fair yourself.
02:03Well, if it's anything like Barcelona last year, I'm very glad to be here.
02:04Oh, thank you, Graham.
02:05I'll just check it.
02:07away from their wives, drinking themselves silly.
02:26And when they found out that I was divorced, you've no idea what I had to put up with.
02:33Really?
02:34Yes.
02:35room for two pounds. Disgusting. You're worth at least ten. What? I didn't mean that you were just worth ten.
02:44I mean you'd think that the porter would...
02:49Did anybody buy the key? I don't know. I switched rooms with a male executive. He
02:55might have got a few nasty surprises. No, I'm well out of it. Anyway, it just so
03:00happens it's Lucy's half term and I've promised to take her out tomorrow
03:03afternoon and as Mr. Lewis is going to Milan I won't have him breathing down my
03:07neck. Yes? Terribly sorry Mrs. Warner to disturb you. Mr. Jones, I have Mr. Lewis's
03:13secretary on the phone. She wants to know if the report is ready yet. He is
03:16leaving for Milan tomorrow, you know? Mrs. Warner's just going through it now.
03:19So sorry Mrs. Warner. Tall isn't she? No, I wish to ascend a metre, Milan. You must be
03:27joking. I'm a senior secretary. I'm never sent. Oh no, it's a boss's perk. They go
03:33out there, spend money like water, have a good time. Do you know when Mr. Collins
03:38went to America last year he took his wife and put her down as his secretary.
03:42I saw the expense sheet. Oh, fair's fair. Mr. Durrant's always going to Paris. He
03:46takes his secretary and puts her down as his wife. I think it's all wrong. I'm
03:51gonna bring it up at the next Staff Association meeting. If a wife goes on a
03:54trip she must take a test to prove that she can do shorthand and typing. What
03:58sort of a test do you think the secretary should take if she goes with a
04:01wife? Well, I don't think spelling would be too important. Speed and accuracy might be
04:07an advantage. Come on, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Well, yes, of course, Mr. Lewis. I'd be absolutely delighted to go to Milan.
04:16Well, you see, Joan, as soon as I realised that I couldn't go myself, I felt that you were the ideal person to take my place. A woman always
04:24livens up these affairs, so I'm sure you'll have a marvellous time. There's
04:28only a few women there with 200 men.
04:34Do an excellent job, Great Starland. I'm absolutely thrilled, sir, and thank you so much for
04:40thinking of me. I could kill him. You heard that. I've got to catch a three
04:45o'clock plane tomorrow, which means that all my plans for Lucy's half-term are
04:48messed up. Well, why didn't you tell him? Because that's exactly what he's waiting
04:52to hear. That as a mother I put my daughter before the business. No, in front
04:56of the managing director, I always have to prove that as a woman executive, I am
05:00no different from any man. Now, you're gonna have to help me organise this very
05:04quickly. I shall have to get a couple of new outfits. I've got nothing suitable
05:07that's in fashion. Hat and shoes to match. Oh, and I'll have to get my hair done.
05:12Can you see if they'll fit me in for a facial? I see what you mean when you say
05:15you're no different from a man. Are you being sarcastic? No. Right, I've got a lot on today, so I'll just phone the boutique where I get my
05:24outfits. They know my size and ask them to send around a couple of things.
05:27Graham, is there anything else you can think of I might need in Milan? If it's
05:31anything like Barcelona, what about a padlock and chain for your bedroom door?
05:47Do you wish you wouldn't do that? Where have you been? It's nearly two o'clock. I had to go and get
05:52all these things for Mrs. Warner, and I had to stop and have a bit of lunch.
05:56Brenda's been rearranging Mrs. Warner's appointments. Ruth's been typing out the
05:59reports, and I've been on the telephone. I've been to the hairdressers, the beauty
06:03parlour, and half an hour to that horrendous Italian maid of hers, and
06:07you've been to lunch. I think I've got everything on the list. Well, let's check
06:10it then. Sun tan oil, tights, cotton wool, moisturising cream, air sickness pills,
06:14and nerve tonic. I don't know why she wants nerve tonic. It's not for her, it's
06:19for me. It's such a terrible morning. I think I'll have some now.
06:32That's better. Right, now then, I'll take all this into Mrs. Warner. You pop down to
06:37accounts and get her traveller's checks. Right, I'll go now.
06:41Mrs. Warner, the stuff's arrived from the chemist. Just a minute, Graham, don't go.
06:46This place looks like the basement at Wetherall's.
06:53Yes, and I think it's very suitable for Italy. The only trouble is the skirt.
06:58Looks all right to me. It's a bit long. Anybody can see that. Except me. They said
07:04they could alter it for me if I got it back to the shop by three. I'd have to
07:08get somebody to pin up the hem. Are any of the girls not doing anything? Not
07:11doing anything on a day like today? Well, all it needs is a few pins in the hem.
07:15You can do it for me, Graham. Me? I don't think I'm qualified to do that. At business
07:21school I was only taught to take down shorthand, not take up skirts. I suppose
07:27this is where I would be better off with a female secretary. I'd be better off
07:30with a male boss. At least I wouldn't have to pin his skirt up. Oh, Graham, we're
07:34wasting time. Look, there are some pins in my cloakroom. Would you get them for me?
07:46Now, how high should it be? Well, I don't know exactly without a mirror, but if you make it
07:53about the same length as the skirt I was wearing this morning, it should be all
07:56right. You remember what it looks like? Mrs. Warner, when I come into the office
07:59in the morning, my eyes don't immediately go down to your skirt. As far as I'm
08:03concerned, you didn't be wearing one. I can't help feeling you'd notice if I
08:07weren't. Now, if you put the pins in just below my knee. Yes, about there. Graham! When I said put the pin in, I meant in the dress, not in my leg.
08:17All right, all right. It's not easy. It keeps flapping about. I'm trying to find out where your knee is. What are you doing? You're tickling. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to determine where the bottom of your knee comes. Now, if I measure from your knee to your ankle and deduct two inches, that should be about right, shouldn't it?
08:35Well, I don't know. Just put the pins in at the top of my calf. Well, if I don't know where the bottom of your knee is, how do I know where the top of my calf is? I don't think you've got one. Well, I certainly have. Look, there's a ruler on my desk. Just take it and measure up 18 inches from the ground.
08:51All right, all right. We've got a slight problem. What's the matter now? There's only 12 inches to this ruler. Put my finger there and measure six inches up. That should be about right, yeah? Yes, that feels about right. Good. All right, put a pin in there. Yep. And then measure up 18 inches on the other side and make sure it's the same height. All right.
09:20I can't really do this without a spirit level. I'm a very good secretary, but I just don't happen to have one with me. Oh, Graham. Right, and then put one in front and back and we should be all right. Yep. Oh, could you answer that, Graham? I'm not here. I've got a mouthful of pins.
09:35Oh, hello, sir. No, no, I've just got a bit of a cold. No, Mrs. Warner's not here at the moment. Yes. Oh, just a minute. I have her diary right in front of me.
09:56Will you see the managing director at four o'clock? Yes. Yes, I've checked her diary. She'll be able to make that. Thank you, sir. Now look what you've done. You've knocked the pins. Ow! I've stuck it in my finger now. For goodness sake, don't get any blood on the material. What am I supposed to do? Hold it in? Please hurry up, Graham.
10:26How's that? Well, I suppose it'll have to do. I'll just take it back to the shop and get them to remeasure it. If you'd have asked me to put a shelf up, I could have done that.
10:49There's a phone call from Mrs. Warner's mad Italian maid. Oh, not again. Can't you deal with it? Well, I can't understand a word she's saying. I've put her through to number one. Now, pick up these pins. Mrs. Warner's office. This is Maria, the mind of Mrs. Warner. Can you hear me? I can hear you without a telephone. Who is it? Mrs. Graham Jones. Who? Graham Jones. She's got me at it now.
11:19It's Mrs. Warner. No, she's not here. I have told Lucy it's all my fault that her mother is going away. She's very upset. You shouldn't have done that. Look, just tell Lucy that her mother really doesn't want to go to Milan. She'd rather stay in London. What is wrong with Milan? That is where I come from.
11:46Same to you. Oh, what did she say? I don't know, but it didn't sound very pleasant. Maria? Are you there, Maria? Si, si. Just tell Lucy that her mother will phone her back in a couple of minutes. Va bene. Was that Maria I just heard on the phone? She's told Lucy that you're going away and she's very upset. Will you phone her? Oh, no. Poor Lucy. She's always the one who has to suffer. Maybe I ought to try and get out of it. I don't think Mr. Lewis would like that.
12:13Well, what's the alternative? Lucy will be left for a whole week without a mother. It's not very fair. Fair? Well, that's a good idea. Why don't you take her to the Milan fair? With me? But who'd look after her? I'd be at meetings and lunches all day long. Well, take Maria with you. That's her hometown, Milan. She could show around. Hmm, that's quite a good idea. Maria would jump at the chance and do Lucy good to have a chance. What a simple idea, Graham. Why did you think of it and not me? Because I've got a simple mind.
12:41Of course you haven't. I must have. Otherwise I'd be going to Milan and you'd be pinning up me trousers. Now look, Graham, we're going to have to organise this very quickly. Would you take a note? Right, get on to the airlines and see if you can get them a couple of tickets. Oh, and check Lucy's passport and Maria's. Get on to the hotel and see if they can get us an extra room. More travellers checks and see if you can get a car to pick us up tomorrow. And see if the vet can take Felix for a week. Anything else you can think of? Yes. What? I should have kept me mouth shut.
13:12Take a letter, Mr Jones.
13:19Take a letter, Mr Jones.
13:23I've been on to the airline. The plane's on time. Oh, good. Well, then I must go. There's no rush. You don't have to be there till two. I've got to pick up Maria and Lucy first. You should have thought you'd have met them at the airport.
13:32You must be joking. Maria would probably leave the iron plugged in, the gas cooker alight, and the front door open. That's handy. If the place goes up in flames, the fireman can walk straight in. I don't think that's funny. Well, Brenda laughed. Right, I must be off. Good. Well, have a nice trip. Thank you, Graham. Joe, Graham. Good morning, Mr Lewis. Already? Yes, I've just finished tying up in the loose ends. Good, good. I'd like a briefing session with you before you go. Just for half an hour or so. I was just leaving, sir.
14:01Your plane doesn't take half to three. You don't have to leave here till half past one. George will drive you there. If you come up to my office, I've got some papers I'd like to discuss. Don't worry. I'll see you get your plane. Fine. Damn. If I don't leave now, I won't be able to pick up Maria and Lucy. Well, why didn't you tell him? Because if I told him that I was going to pick up my daughter instead of coming to a board meeting, it would be all around the boardroom before I had a chance to get on the plane.
14:25I can't let Maria take Lucy on her own. They'd probably end up at the wrong airport. What should I do? Will you excuse me? It's just after one. I've got to go to lunch. If I don't get to the canteen soon, there's no skin on the rice pudding.
14:39Look, I know it's not part of your duties, but do you think you could go and pick them up for me? Oh, no. Graham, what collar size do you take? I beg your pardon? I have heard that they've got the most beautiful, handmade, pure silk men's shirts in Italy. Oh, there's no need to do anything like that. I'll go and collect them now, and I'll meet you at the check-in at two o'clock. Thank you, Graham.
15:09Oh, it's a 15 collar with a tapered waist. Be as quick as possible. We haven't got much time. Ah, Mrs. Warner said you were coming on the telephone. Actually, I came in the taxi. Traffic's very bad, and I'm late. Oh, good, you've got it all packed up. I thought there'd be more than this. Is it all locked up? No, no, this is Mrs. Warner's, and this is all mine.
15:39What do you want all this for? You're only going for a week. This is personal, and this is presents for my family. Presents? See, I have a very big family. There's Mama, Papa, Luigi, Benito, Alfredo, Alberto, Lorenzo. Oh, I see. Those are all your brothers and sisters. No, no, my brothers, my sisters. Adriana is over there. I'll take a look for it. What are these presents? I buy all the clothes from San Michele. From where? San Michele.
16:09And I've taken all my favorite English food. Yes, well, they're very nice. It's a fruitcake. Yes, yes. And a marmalade. Look, look, please. And Mickey Purses. Maria, I've got a taxi waiting outside. And one dozen special best English sausages. A dozen? A dozen for my family. A dozen for Mama, for Papa, for Luigi, for Benito. All right, all right. Those sausages will get squashed flat. No, no, I have a special way to pack them. You see, like this. All the way.
16:40Mr. Graham! Lucy! Oh, darling, this is no time to be playing with your toys. No, Mr. Graham, I'm not playing with them. I'm taking them with me. No, no, no, you can't take all that. They won't let you on the plane. Then I don't want to go!
16:57Lucy, you must go. Look, your mummy's got your special air tickets. She's booked a hotel room for you. You've got to go. You can have my ticket and share the room with Maria. I don't think it's a very big room.
17:11You can take your favourite toy. Just one, your favourite one, and I'll make sure that they let you on the aeroplane with it. Oh, very well. Come on! What's that lump? Lump? Ah, it's my medicine. The doctor gave me to take to Italy. It's for when I get excited. It's even my stomach. No wonder you need a big bottle.
17:35No, no, please, I carry this one. No, no, no, this can go in here. It'll keep it safe. You can't carry everything. Now, come on. All right, all right, we're coming. Closed up there. One there. Fine. Now, excuse me a minute. Get this in here. It's no good. This won't close. You'll have to sit on it. Sit. Sit. I'll move it round.
18:06You've taken all the skin off my finger. Right, put those in a safe place. A safe place? Ah, si. Thank you. Lucy, come on, we've no time to lose.
18:24Is this one toy, Mr. Graham? This is one toy. You promise and you never break your word, do you? I don't know. She's got me by the...
18:43You take it with you. Put it into the taxi. Oh, thank you, Mr. Graham. All right, we'll manage somehow. Right. A bit of those. If the driver can take those. Now, come along, Maria. There's no time to lose.
18:58Stop! Stop! Behind you! Your sausages is hanging out! Wait, I'll get the keys. No, we haven't got time for all that.
19:11Wait, wait, please. All right, all right, all right. Is that Maria?
19:26I don't know where they are. They were supposed to be here at two. They've already called the flight. You'll be the last on. Who is this, then? Lucy! Maria!
19:52Graham, are you mad? Who on earth did you bring that for? We can't take that on the plane. I know that. She talked me into it. I said one toy and this is the toy she chose. She tricked you into it. She's just like her mother.
20:04Well, we'll just have to see what they say. I can't understand why you're so late. I had the manager, the chairman, the press relations officer and the group export manager to contend with.
20:13Oh, you're lucky. I had Maria to contend with. Right. Line up the suitcases. Come along, Lucy. And the other passport, please. Maria, the lady wants to see your passport.
20:28Ah, Signora! It is in this case to go through. Maria, are you mad? Who made you put your passport in the suitcase? Mr. Graham, he told me to. I did nothing of the kind. Oh, see, it was in my ragged bag and you told me to put it in this suitcase.
20:42Oh, don't start all that again. Look, put those through. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm sorry about that.
20:52This area is reserved for airport personnel. Yes, you've done it out very nicely.
21:01Is that what you're looking for? Oh, it's no good. You'll have to do your trick again. Sit. Sit.
21:11Get that baggage checked in now and you won't be allowed on the plane. Maria, brigatier. Oh, thank you. Ah, Santa Maria! Un gasto! What's the matter?
21:26It's my medicine for my stomach! I'm most happy! Oh, bend down and have a swig.
21:32Go on, pupsy-daisy. I'm sorry, little girl, they won't let you take that in the cabin, would you? He's got to come with me! Oh, no, I knew this would happen. Listen, Lucy, darling, you heard what the lady said. We can't take Teddy.
21:50But I don't want to go! Lucy, listen, I'll buy you a beautiful doll when we get to Italy, all right? I can't leave him here all alone. Of course you can't, darling. Graham's going back to the office. You'll take him, won't you? I'll be delighted. Right, come along, sweetie. Gate 22. Thank you.
22:09Gate 22, Maria, brigatier. Come on, Lucy, walk properly, darling. Thank you, Graham, I'll be in touch on Monday. You'll work for you packed into the bed every night, won't you? Yeah. Come along, sweetie. I've only got a single bed. Come on, sweetie, I've brought your friend with you.
22:27I've had enough all the way back from the airport. I got some very funny looks, too. One fellow even asked me if I'd lost me mummy. I'm absolutely exhausted. Still, we're in for a nice quiet week. I'll answer that, will you?
22:48Mrs. Warner's office. Oh, Mrs. Warner, one moment. Mrs. Warner? Yes, Mrs. Warner? Oh, Graham, the plane's been delayed for a couple of hours, so we're still stuck at the airport after all that. Little Lucy wants to have a word with you.
23:03Hello, Mr. Graham. I've just spoken to the pilot, and he said I can take my teddy on the plane.
23:34Take a letter, Mr. Jones. Ignore the telephone. He's a model secretary, never leaves her in a mess. He gets his satisfaction sharing her success. Take a letter, Mr. Jones. Feed a letter, Mr. Jones. He is her appreciation, always saves her life. He's a perfect combination, a computer and a wife.
23:58You're a wonder. No. You're a marvel. Well. You're a treasure. Perhaps. Mr. Jones. And a letter, Mr. Jones. How kind.