The Good Life - S02E02 - The Guru of Surbiton
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00:30That's interesting. What is?
00:40All the curls on the nape of your neck grow clockwise except for one.
00:44Oh, yeah? Which one?
00:46That one.
00:48That's what you get for trying to be different. Goodbye, Curly.
00:52Do you know, you've got a very erotic neck.
00:56Well, of course I do. Not so much for the lust, please.
00:59I never had all this trouble when I went to the barber's.
01:01Sorry, sir. Sorry.
01:03Who do you fancy for the cup then this year, sir?
01:05Ah, that's better. Dunno.
01:07Oh. And your holidays this year, sir?
01:11Nope.
01:12Oh. Wife keeping well?
01:15Yep.
01:16One-sided conversation, isn't it?
01:18Oh, it always was. It's the customer's duty to listen to the barber,
01:21because sooner or later the barber is going to get on his hobby horse.
01:23Oh, yes? What was old Mr. Webster's hobby horse?
01:25Esperanto.
01:26Oh, gracious!
01:29Fancy old Mr. Webster being able to speak Esperanto.
01:32Oh, he couldn't speak it. Just had to talk about it.
01:34Oh, I see.
01:36Right, there you are.
01:40Ah, ah, ah...
01:44Oh!
01:47You're getting good at this.
01:49Thank you. Next, please.
01:51That's you.
01:52Oh, no, you don't.
01:53Oh, no, let me have a go.
01:54You're letting it grow.
01:55Let me give you an Audrey Hepburn. I've always wanted to do one of those.
01:57No, don't you dare.
01:58A David Bowie.
01:59Get off me!
02:00Ah, there's you. I've got it, yes.
02:02A Tully Savalas. Yes.
02:04I see the asylum hasn't set the van yet.
02:06Hello, Mugga. Come in.
02:08Hello.
02:09Oh, Tom.
02:10One does not wish to be a wet blanket,
02:12but playing with scissors, open scissors, can be terribly dangerous.
02:17You're very sensible, aren't you, Mugga?
02:18I try to be.
02:19Sit down there.
02:21Well, how was Amsterdam?
02:23Oh, very, um, what's the word?
02:26Very Dutch.
02:27Yes, I suppose it would be, really.
02:29How did you con old sir into a free binge up there, anyway?
02:31I happen to be a first-class salesman.
02:33And?
02:34And the last time I played golf, I missed two three-inch putts.
02:38Goody-two-shoes.
02:40I bought you this.
02:41Oh.
02:42Oh, Mugga, how thoughtful. Thank you.
02:45Of course, simply everyone brings something back in the shape of clogs
02:48when bringing a present from Holland.
02:51But I thought, Margot, no, you will not follow the her,
02:55so I bought you a windmill.
02:57Oh.
02:59Oh, a paperweight.
03:02How Dutch.
03:03Look, look.
03:10The sales went round in the shop, Jerry.
03:12Don't blame me.
03:13I do blame you.
03:14I said when we were packing that this must go in the hand baggage
03:16and not be squashed, and what happens?
03:18You cram the bag to the brim full of duty-free booze
03:21and Tom and Barbara's little sales won't go round.
03:24Well, never mind.
03:25Splash out the booze and we'll never notice.
03:27Sorry. Pop round sometime. We'll kill off a bottle of Dutch gin.
03:29What a good idea.
03:31Tom, is that human hair?
03:34Afraid so.
03:37Well, anything happen while we were away?
03:40Oh, yes, your allotment came through.
03:42Ah.
03:43An allotment of what?
03:44Earth.
03:45The sort of things you see from railway carriages.
03:47It's next to mine.
03:48Well, thank you very much, Jerry.
03:51I see the real reason for that second bottle of champagne at the Krasnopolsky now.
03:55Sweeten me up before you tell me you're going to be late
03:57for every single Sunday luncheon from now on.
03:59Why should I be?
04:00I am not a fool, Jerry.
04:01I know about allotments.
04:02They are places where men go to sit in silly little sheds
04:05so they don't have to talk to their wives.
04:08Brick by brick, she is building a madhouse.
04:11Look, if you don't want to talk to me, Jerry,
04:13at least have the courage to look me straight in the face
04:15and say, shut up, Margo.
04:17Shut up, Margo.
04:20Oh, Margo, it is nice to have you back.
04:22It's been so dull.
04:24Thank you, Barbara.
04:25Nevertheless, Jerry, I'm not having...
04:27No, no, no, listen.
04:28Jerry's allotment isn't for Jerry, it's for me.
04:30The council will only let me have one.
04:31I need all the land I can get, so I'm having Jerry's as well.
04:33Two allotments?
04:35Oh, surely that bomb site you call your back garden is enough.
04:38I need the extra yardage for my speciality crops.
04:41I don't follow.
04:42Raspberries, strawberries and blackcurrants, Margo.
04:44They're going to help us pay any big bills we get next year.
04:47We hope.
04:48What you might call convertible currency.
04:55I'm sorry, I despise allotments.
04:57They're so Brixton-y.
04:59And if you ever let anyone know that one of them is in Jerry's name,
05:02I shall never talk to you again.
05:04Scout's honour.
05:05Tom!
05:06Oh, sorry. Hello.
05:08Tom, got any oil? I want to clean the rotary cultivator.
05:10I'll have a rest. It's six o'clock.
05:12No, bags of time, bags of time.
05:13In the shed.
05:14Shed. Right.
05:17What on earth was that?
05:19That's Guy. He's a student.
05:21We've got two of them helping us out for a week on their holidays.
05:24Helping you out with what?
05:25Well, stones and bricks mostly.
05:26There's a lot of work to do on that ground, your allotments. It's terrible.
05:29And Barbara says you only do the front garden and the back garden.
05:31Oh, yes, I'm just bone-eyed, I suppose.
05:33Yes.
05:34But you don't have any money. What are you going to pay them with? Beads and blankets?
05:36Board and lodging.
05:37And a novel experience, I suppose.
05:40You mean you're keeping them in the house?
05:42Where do you expect us to put them? In with the pigs?
05:45Best place for students, if you ask me.
05:47And they say the British belief in tolerance and fair play is dead.
05:49It lives, Gerry, in you.
05:51And the cluck, cluck, cluck.
05:52Oh, I'd call it a blind spot, if you like.
05:54I just happen to think that students are lazy, grubby, irresponsible ingrates.
05:58And if they're helping you with the allotment,
06:00it's only in order to grow next year's crop of marijuana.
06:02And, might I add, they repay me for subsidising their grants
06:06by forming Marwish cells in every one of our major cities.
06:09Well, you've certainly opened my eyes.
06:11They've taken me right in.
06:13Getting up early, working like dogs, keeping their room clean, it's all a trick.
06:15You wait and you'll see.
06:17Oh, don't be so stuffy.
06:19They're nice kids, both of them, Guy and Ruth.
06:22Ruth? That's a girl's name.
06:25So it is. One of them must be a girl, Tom.
06:28Oh.
06:30That must be the one with the bumps and the jersey.
06:33And you said, their room?
06:37Yes.
06:39I don't know how to phrase my next question.
06:41No, they're not married.
06:43Tom!
06:44Well, it has been known, Margo.
06:46People have cohabited before marriage.
06:51Yes, well, I can't sit gossiping here all day.
06:53I've got a thousand things to do.
06:55Get yourself a couple of students to help out.
06:57Jerry, home.
06:59Well, we'll leave you to your hairy paragons of virtue, then.
07:03I didn't say they were perfect.
07:07Just that, well, they're so serious, aren't they?
07:09So earnest.
07:11You know, Tom, I know they're only 20,
07:13but I think they're a bit old for us.
07:23I am replete of serpentine.
07:25Well, don't just sit there, woman. Go and do the washing up.
07:28No, please, let us do it.
07:29No, let him do it.
07:31Ching-chang-cholla.
07:33Oh, all right.
07:34Right.
07:35Ching-chang-cholla.
07:37Ching-chang-cholla.
07:39Ching-chang-cholla.
07:40You lose. I'm the kitchen.
07:41Please let us do it.
07:42Certainly not. Go on, then.
07:44No, don't. It's his turn, anyway.
07:47Oh, come on, let's go and have a sit down first.
07:51Oh, thanks.
07:53Oh, I forgot my wine.
07:54I'll get it for you, Tom.
07:55Oh.
07:56Thanks.
08:08Reality, Ruth.
08:09I know what you mean.
08:14What?
08:17What do you mean?
08:18Do you know, before we came here,
08:20we'd never eaten food before.
08:22Really?
08:24That dinner was food.
08:27Yes, that's what we usually have for dinner.
08:30Yes, but I'm making the distinction, Barbara,
08:32between just eating and food.
08:37Oh, yes.
08:38I see.
08:43Well.
08:44Yes?
08:45What?
08:46What?
08:47Say something, Tom.
08:48Oh, oh, oh, yes.
08:50Oh, oh, oh, yes.
08:52Well, I was just going to ask you how you're getting on in university.
08:55University?
08:56That's just a place where a lot of students go to acquire knowledge.
08:59True, true.
09:01Well, I mean, are you getting a tick for your sums?
09:03That's what I mean.
09:05That is the most incisive single-line castigation
09:08of the entire system that I have ever heard.
09:11Is it?
09:13What I mean is, Tom, is that here is a true university.
09:16This is a university of life.
09:18No, if you're going to talk about life, I'm going to do the washing up.
09:21No.
09:22No, this is a really important question, Barbara.
09:24Oh, is it?
09:25Go on, then.
09:26You see, there you are, and you've decided, and you're doing it.
09:31Exactly, yes, yes.
09:33Whereas Ruth and me, we're here too, who have come into it.
09:37And to us, it's a sociological revelation, you see.
09:43You...
09:44You mean you like the way we've decided to live?
09:47Oh, why don't I shut my mouth?
09:49Why don't I just shut my big, fat mouth?
09:51I know what Guy means.
09:53Do you?
09:55Tell us. Please tell us.
09:57He means that you're so succinct, Tom.
10:00You should talk and we should just listen.
10:02Listen. Yes, we should listen.
10:08Perhaps it's...
10:09Shh!
10:10Sorry.
10:11Go on, Tom.
10:18Well, don't just sit there, Maharishi. Tell them.
10:21All right. I don't know what they want to know.
10:24We want you to expound your philosophy, Tom.
10:27We want to know how it came to you, how you made it happen,
10:31and how you relate it to the rest of society.
10:33Look, Barbara's right. I'm not a guru.
10:35You're underselling yourself, Tom.
10:37I think you've got a message for the world.
10:40I mean, the only message I've got for the world is, leave me alone.
10:44Barbara, why is he so modest?
10:47Modest is the biggest head in Surbiton.
10:49Sorry, sorry. Why do I always create hostility?
10:52You're certainly a joke, Guy.
10:54I'll tell you. I'm glad you're interested in what we're doing,
10:57but let's face it, you've only been here four days.
10:59Don't you think it's a possibility that you got too bowled over too soon?
11:02No.
11:03Well, it's a possibility, Tom.
11:05But the only way I can be certain is by talking right through it.
11:08I don't care if we sit here all night.
11:10All night?
11:11I need my beauty sleep.
11:12I mean, if I talked away all night,
11:14how could I keep on looking like Paul Newman?
11:20Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I should sleep on it.
11:23But do you think the concept of a kibbutz...
11:25Guy, Tom told us to go to bed.
11:27Well, it wasn't an order. I know.
11:29Yes, sorry. Good night.
11:31Good night, Barbara. Good night, Tom.
11:34Night-night.
11:36Sleep tight.
11:42Oh!
11:55Heavy going, aren't they?
11:57Were you that intense when you were there, Ange?
12:00Me? No.
12:02All I worried about was whether this would-be sophisticated was going to ask me out.
12:07Did he?
12:08Yes, you phoned up, don't you remember?
12:11What do you mean, would-be sophisticated?
12:14Well, you were.
12:16He had a car, impressed my mum and dad to no end.
12:20Best seat at the Odeon, box of chocolates,
12:23arms straight round the back of the chair, no messing about.
12:26So? So?
12:27Well, you ruined it all when you stuck your finger in that woman's raspberry ripple.
12:32You would remember that bit, wouldn't you?
12:36Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
12:38Oh, young love.
12:40Yeah?
12:42Hmm.
12:44Now you've got another case to deal with.
12:48What are you talking about?
12:50Ruth fancies you.
12:52She doesn't.
12:55She does.
12:57Never.
13:00Does she?
13:02Elaine is a pike star. Can't keep her eyes off you.
13:05Little bosom heaves every time she looks at you.
13:08No.
13:10What else does she do?
13:12You're loving this, aren't you?
13:14It's of no importance one way or the other to me.
13:17Oh, no? Why are you holding your stomach in?
13:19I'm not.
13:21Yes, young girls like that are very susceptible to ageing lethargias.
13:25She's just a child.
13:28Mind you, it's not that small.
13:30Her bosom.
13:32Oh, come on. I'm not denying that I'm conscious of women's bosoms.
13:35I'm just saying, well, all right.
13:37Perhaps the child has got a thing about me.
13:39You like it. I like...
13:41And perhaps, on the other hand, she hasn't.
13:43Perhaps you've made this whole thing up.
13:45Oh, why should I?
13:47It's just about the time when you would, isn't it?
13:49You're getting a bit past it, you're a bit rattled, your figure's gone.
13:51An insane pitch of jealousy.
13:53Jealousy's only to be expected.
13:57Aren't you going to thump me?
13:59No.
14:01The thing is, Tom, there's...
14:03an element of truth in what you're saying.
14:06Oh, no, love, come on, I was only kidding.
14:09Don't...
14:11So was I.
14:13You...
14:15Ah!
14:23Ah.
14:25God, that rush hour gets worse every day.
14:27Took me half an hour to get across London Bridge this evening.
14:29I'm sorry, I have no time to discuss London Bridge.
14:32Good evening, Jerry.
14:34Um...
14:36Would you sharpen these pencils, please?
14:38Yes, of course.
14:40What's for dinner?
14:42Oh, don't confuse me, please.
14:44I only asked what was for dinner.
14:46Where did you put those pads I bought for Bridge?
14:48I can't play Bridge on an empty stomach.
14:50Look, I'll finish the pencils, you find the pads.
14:54Anyway, it's Wednesday.
14:56Friday night's Bridge night.
14:58Who said anything about playing cards?
15:00Margot, what is going on?
15:02Ah, here they are.
15:04You let them in, Jerry, I must get my gavel.
15:06Hello.
15:08Hello.
15:10Hey, Jerry.
15:12What's all this about?
15:14I was hoping you might be able to tell me.
15:16No, Margot just said be here at 6.30
15:18and then vanished in a puff of smoke.
15:20Perhaps she's holding a press conference.
15:22I haven't had my dinner yet.
15:24Tom and Barbara, will you sit there?
15:26Jerry, there, please.
15:38I know what it is.
15:40It's a séance.
15:42Anybody there?
15:44Blimey, that was quick.
15:48Tom, I am calling the meeting to order.
15:50I have taken the chair, pro tem,
15:52but of course, in due time,
15:54we shall formally elect a chairwoman.
15:56Now...
15:58item one on the agenda.
16:00Yes, Jerry?
16:02Where's my dinner?
16:04I don't know how you can think of cramming yourself
16:06full of food at a time like this.
16:08At a time like what?
16:10Oh, I'm sorry, of course I should have told you.
16:12We are here to discuss the house
16:14next to Tom and Barbara.
16:16OK, well, it's got a yellow front door,
16:18lettuce windows...
16:20Tom, it also has a for-sale notice
16:22that went up today.
16:24That's because the Turners are selling it.
16:26I know that, but to whom?
16:28The buyers.
16:30Don't be facetious, Barbara, please.
16:32Well, what else can we be? The house is up for sale.
16:34What's it to do with us?
16:36That is the very point of this committee,
16:38to veto undesirables from living amongst us.
16:40Ah, you mean we should skim off the cream?
16:42Yes, yes, no hawkers, no circulars,
16:44and above all, nobody who ripples our middle-class pond.
16:46That's one way of putting it, yes.
16:48I'm missing my dinner for this.
16:50Damn your dinner, Jerry.
16:52You know what I mean.
16:54Yes, but, I mean, what can we do?
16:56I know how I'd like to live in that house.
16:58A chap who works in the city,
17:00comes home every evening to a wife called Stephanie,
17:02has a black Labrador and 2.5 children.
17:04But, I mean, we're helpless, aren't we?
17:06We all have pads and pencils, Jerry.
17:08We should be writing down measures
17:10we can take to preserve our standards.
17:12Ah, I have one.
17:14I think we should form an action group.
17:16An action group, good.
17:18And?
17:20And we should keep smashing the estate agents' windows
17:22till they give us the people we want.
17:24I seem to be the only one
17:26who's taking this business seriously.
17:28No, no, no, not true, not true.
17:30I've got a serious suggestion.
17:32Yes, Tom?
17:34Why don't we all mind our own bloody business?
17:36Well, thank you very much, Tom.
17:38When you've got some loud-mouthed nabby
17:40living next door to you,
17:42can I have my dinner now?
17:44No.
17:46Well, back to the liquid diet.
17:48Who's going to join me in a spot of Geneva gin?
17:50Please? Barbara?
17:52Mm, I'll go. I will if you will.
17:54Yes, why not? Let's all get drunk.
17:56That seems to be Jerry's answer to everything.
17:58Oh, for heaven's sake. Let's bore Tom and Barbara
18:00with snapshots of our Dutch trip.
18:02I don't know where they are.
18:04So much for that.
18:06Oh, that's Guy.
18:08Typical student manners, not deigning to knock at the front door.
18:10Well, for you, Ruth's probably let slip
18:12that she's madly in love with you.
18:14Well, I'm certainly not frightened of a jealous kid, am I?
18:22Oh, hello, Guy. What's up?
18:24I've been thinking.
18:26I had to see you because I know what I'm going to do.
18:28No, no, no, look. If it's about Ruth,
18:30I've done nothing to encourage her.
18:32Oh, no, I accept the Ruth situation.
18:34She told me about it and I accept it.
18:36Do you?
18:38Well, I was at university trying to pull my bird.
18:40If you were, I'd probably
18:42break your arm or something.
18:44Look, chum, I boxed at school, you know.
18:46I've got a black belt at karate.
18:48You said you'd accept it.
18:50I don't blame Ruth.
18:52How can I?
18:54How can I compete with a giant
18:56social philosophy like yours?
18:58I am not Burton Russell.
19:00No, you're beyond that. That's what decided me.
19:02On what?
19:04The commune. Ruth, me.
19:06There's a lot of us at college.
19:08We didn't know where we were going, Tom.
19:10But you've supplied the answer.
19:12A commune. Your way.
19:14Where? In your house.
19:16Come again? Yes.
19:18Ruth, me, David, Peter and Liz
19:20certain, Bill and Rudy, they're probables
19:22and I know I can get at least three more from the Sorbonne.
19:24Ah, all in my house? Yes.
19:26It'll be the new lifestyle.
19:28We'll light a beacon for people who've lost their way.
19:30What you really want is a lighthouse.
19:32Don't joke, Tom.
19:34I'm serious.
19:36What do you say?
19:38No. But... No buts.
19:40No. I've already got a commune.
19:42Barbara and me. I call it marriage.
19:44Private. Just us two, see? We're not trying to take anything
19:46away from you, Tom. We want to
19:48add to it, to extend the concept
19:50with you as a
19:52sort of patriarch.
19:54Guy, I sink when I try to walk on water.
19:58Well, we'll just have to
20:00adopt our contingency plan.
20:02You've got one of those, have you?
20:04At least we'll be near enough to come to you for advice and guidance.
20:06Well, how? What are you going to do?
20:08Buy the house next door.
20:12I can't get over it.
20:14Old Tom has the answer to a maiden's prayer.
20:16Oh, it's true.
20:18I found her fondling his pullover the other day.
20:20Yes, my... Tom!
20:22I mean, if it had been me, I could have understood.
20:26Ah, well, you haven't got a mind like Leonardo da Vinci.
20:28That's what really turned Ruth on in the first place.
20:30I mean, Tom's body's just a bonus.
20:32Well,
20:34I'd have shown her the door.
20:36Oh, Martha, it's perfectly innocent.
20:38Didn't you ever have a crush on an older man when you were a girl?
20:40No.
20:42Well, I did have one or two adolescent dreams
20:44about Duncan Sands.
20:48Ah, that's a relief.
20:52Oh, I don't know why you take
20:54these kids so seriously. I mean, they're only kids.
20:56Perfectly innocent. Perfectly harmless.
21:01Tom.
21:03What's up?
21:05Oh, nothing much.
21:07Just that Guy and Ruth and half of Nottingham University
21:09are going to start a commune, that's all.
21:11Good. Russia is the best place for them.
21:13A little bit nearer than that, Margot.
21:15Where?
21:17The house next door.
21:19What? Tom!
21:21Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
21:23Before we all go 3-0 Trumps and coronaries,
21:25let's examine the facts.
21:27Students are always pleading poverty, aren't they?
21:30Well, you've heard of Staffordshire?
21:32Yes.
21:34Well, Guy's father seems to own most of it.
21:36Little Guy?
21:38But he's so modest he never even talks about money.
21:40That's because he despises it.
21:42He can't possibly despise money.
21:44He can. You know what he said to me? He said,
21:46Tom, at last I can see the point in having three million stinking pounds.
21:48That boy needs psychoanalysis.
21:50He must be stopped.
21:52A commune in the avenue? It's unthinkable.
21:54Margot, you surprised me.
21:56I would have thought having a millionaire in the avenue
21:58would have made up for it.
22:00There are millionaires and millionaires, Barbara.
22:02That pop person, Jack Jagger,
22:04now he's a millionaire.
22:06But he's certainly persona non grata with me.
22:08And this guy, he's a communist.
22:10Why here?
22:12That's what I can't understand.
22:14Why doesn't he go and buy the Isle of Wight or something?
22:16That's the trouble. He wants to be near me.
22:18He doesn't fancy you as well, does he?
22:20No.
22:22He sees me as his patriarch.
22:24That makes me his matriarch.
22:26No, I won't. I'm too young.
22:28It doesn't bear thinking about, does it?
22:30Twenty earnest acolytes leaning over the fence,
22:32applauding every time I milk the goat.
22:34And we'll be spending all day listening to them, watching us.
22:36And they'd be earnest all the time.
22:38Don't forget Ruth fondling your pullovers and begging for a love child.
22:40Oh, no, I couldn't stand that. I couldn't stand it.
22:42I develop a facial tic. I know what I'm talking about.
22:44All right, all right. We're agreed. Now, what are we going to do about it?
22:46Inform the police.
22:48What are you going to charge them with? Buying a house?
22:50No, no, no. Perhaps you'll get through to Guy's father.
22:52Or the estate agent.
22:54That's what we need. A petition.
22:56An injunction. Who doesn't think about an injunction?
22:58Look, let's itemise our complaints. That might help.
23:00Yes, after all, we live here. We must have some rights.
23:04What am I doing?
23:06I was the one who said we should mind our own bloody business.
23:08This is our business.
23:10It is not.
23:12If Bertram Mills and his circus want to move in next door, it's nothing to do with me.
23:14And if this lot want to start a commune
23:16and every man, Jackalum, has a guitar and plays meaningful songs all night,
23:18it's still nothing to do with me.
23:20I'm very sorry, Margot.
23:22I have to practise what I preach.
23:24Wife.
23:28Jerry.
23:30What are we going to do?
23:32Could have dinner.
23:40Right. Come on.
23:42Go, girl. Come on.
23:44Come on.
23:46She's got it, yes.
23:48Oh!
23:50Oh, look. Her wattles have all gone baggy.
23:52Yeah, well, she's gone broody, you see.
23:54Now, listen, Gert. Listen to me. Listen to me. Look at me when you're talking.
23:58I understand you feeling all fluffed up and unnecessary,
24:00but you are not to go broody on top of the dresser. Got it?
24:02Got it? Right.
24:12Where are we going now, then, Barbara?
24:14Ah! Oh, right.
24:16Hang on a minute.
24:18Tom! Guy and Ruth just going.
24:20OK.
24:22We cleaned up our room. It's just as we found it.
24:24I bet it's not. I bet it's cleaner.
24:26Ah, well...
24:28Thanks a lot.
24:30When they elect me king of the allotments next year, it'll all be down to you.
24:32It's been the most marvellous week of my life, Tom.
24:34Oh, I'm glad.
24:36Why did I have to turn traitor?
24:38Oh, Guy,
24:40you really must stop this breast-beating.
24:42You'll bruise yourself. What have you done now?
24:44I've let you both down.
24:46How?
24:48I don't know how to say this.
24:50I'm sorry. I'm not going to buy the house next door.
24:52You...
24:54Oh, what a shame.
24:56Oh, dear.
24:58I know it's ratting on the ideals that you taught me.
25:00Let me say it, Guy.
25:02It's because of me.
25:04Or rather you, Tom.
25:06You must know the way I feel about you.
25:08And you, Barbara, you must have noticed.
25:10I mean, you're so much older than I am.
25:12Not that much.
25:14Wiser, I meant.
25:16Better.
25:18You see, I couldn't live next door to you feeling the way I do.
25:20I've got to get away from you completely, Tom.
25:22Don't worry.
25:24A lot of people feel that way about me, you know.
25:26And me?
25:28You're seeing me in my true colours now.
25:30I'm just a boring traditionalist.
25:32I've discovered that I want Ruth
25:34more than I want to commune.
25:36What about that?
25:38That's the most sensible thing you've said all week.
25:40Is it?
25:42No, no, no, no, no.
25:44Look, go back to university, work hard and court Ruth.
25:46Now there you are, there's an old-fashioned thing,
25:48court Ruth.
25:50Make a nuisance of yourself until she accepts you.
25:52That's what I did.
25:54True.
25:56What have I got to offer her?
25:58Well, a nice personality, good teeth, three million quid.
26:00And Ruth, honestly, I mean,
26:02he's just a storm in a tea cup.
26:04He's not worth it.
26:06Guy's the one for you, you'll see.
26:08I suppose so.
26:10Well, all the best.
26:12Keep in touch.
26:14Tom, Barbara.
26:16Goodbye, Tom.
26:18Bye, Ruth.
26:22Well, all the best and thanks very much again.
26:24Bye.
26:26Bye.
26:28Don't forget to keep in touch now.
26:30Bye.
26:32Goodbye.
26:34Take care.
26:36Bye.
26:38You, uh, think Ruth will be all right, do you?
26:40Oh, I should think so.
26:42Give her a couple of months and she'll just be a memory.
26:44Well, I'd have thought a couple of years.
26:48Oh, may I come in?
26:50Oh, Margot, we've got news.
26:52So have I.
26:54Gerry and I are moving to Cobham.
26:56What?
26:58Right this minute?
27:00Well, we haven't actually found a property yet,
27:02but when we do find one,
27:04I want you to know, Tom,
27:06you and your hippie friends have driven us away from Surbiton.
27:08Oh, come on, Margot.
27:10Stop doing a Sarah Bernhardt.
27:12The commune is off.
27:14Our earliest friends changed their minds.
27:16Thank heavens for that.
27:18You know, I never really fancied Cobham.
27:20They've got a chemist in the high street
27:22they call a drugstore.
27:24No.
27:26They have.
27:28Oh, incidentally, Margot, another bit of good news.
27:30I bumped into the estate agent this morning.
27:32We know who's going to take the house next door.
27:34Apparently a banker, isn't he, Barbara?
27:36Oh, yes, yes.
27:38And I believe so.
27:40And his wife doesn't work
27:42apart from the odd charity dues.
27:44Oh, now that sounds more like it.
27:46Two children, both at boarding school.
27:48Excellent, excellent.
27:50Well, I suppose you're going to invite them round.
27:52Welcome to the avenue, that sort of thing.
27:54What a good idea, yes.
27:56I know, I'll pop a notelet through their letterbox.
27:58You don't happen to know their name, do you?
28:00Yes.
28:02My name is Hamid Ibn Khan.
28:06Oh, my God!
28:08Jerry!
28:10Jerry!
28:32APPLAUSE