Super Cult Cinema
Super Cult Cinema
  • 4 months ago
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Transcript
00:00:00The following is a paid advertisement for Schlinge, Incorporated.
00:00:12Oh.
00:00:13Oh, good morning.
00:00:15Hi.
00:00:16Hi.
00:00:17Hi.
00:00:18I'm Jeff Goldblum.
00:00:20And right now, I'll bet you're probably just getting comfortable in your office.
00:00:29And comfortable in your own Schlinge super seat.
00:00:33But maybe you're asking yourself, what the heck is this Schlinge super seat exactly?
00:00:38Here's how the Schlinge super seat works.
00:00:44First, several needles are connected to a vein in your arm.
00:00:48Chemicals are then introduced to synchronize your emotions with the movie.
00:00:53Next, air tubes are inserted into the nasal cavity to guide you into a natural breathing pattern.
00:00:59Exotic odors are released to match the excitement of the movie.
00:01:03Finally, your legs are moved out of your line of sight and into our patented Schlinge stirrups.
00:01:10To give you a viewing experience you'll never forget.
00:01:13Oh.
00:01:14Oh.
00:01:15Oh.
00:01:16I gotta tell you, my favorite thing about this whole Schlinge super seat is the automatic
00:01:20popcorn machine in the armrest.
00:01:24Of course, be careful.
00:01:25I, you know, I actually did this.
00:01:27That hot butter is going to come spurting out.
00:01:29Don't get it on your hand.
00:01:30It's going to burn.
00:01:32And remember, if you're not sitting in a Schlinge super seat, you're just not sitting down.
00:01:41The Schlinge super seat.
00:01:42The ultimate film watching seating experience.
00:01:48Audience, please stare directly at the center of the screen for super seat calibration.
00:01:57Close your left eye.
00:02:00Now, rapidly open and close your left eye.
00:02:03Like this.
00:02:08Wow.
00:02:09This is easy.
00:02:10Now, close your right eye.
00:02:13Now, rapidly open and close your right eye.
00:02:16Like this.
00:02:20Thank you.
00:02:21It is advised to remove your dentures or false teeth before the movie begins.
00:02:43Thank you.
00:03:13Thank you.
00:03:44I've been walking down these streets for years.
00:03:50Bonjour.
00:03:51Bonjour.
00:03:52Good to see you.
00:03:57Bonjour.
00:03:58They all know my name, but I can't say that I know theirs.
00:04:02Bonjour.
00:04:03What can I say?
00:04:06This is my home.
00:04:07Sweet Paris.
00:04:09Bonjour.
00:04:10Bonjour.
00:04:12The smell of baguettes, flowers, fresh meat in the air.
00:04:18Bonjour.
00:04:21Bonjour.
00:04:24Bonjour.
00:04:26This is a town full of beautiful people all around you.
00:04:30Bonjour.
00:04:31Oui, oui, magnifique.
00:04:36I'm Diamond Jenner.
00:04:38This is my home.
00:04:40My people.
00:04:48But there's only one that has my attention.
00:05:02What can I get you, Diamond Jenner?
00:05:05What do I have to do to get you to finally go out with me?
00:05:08Well, a girl cannot say no to diamonds.
00:05:15Well, why didn't you say so?
00:05:25Oh, my God, it is so beautiful.
00:05:29Now kiss me.
00:06:00What the fuck was that?
00:06:24That's it?
00:06:25That's our movie.
00:06:27Let's go make a speech.
00:06:29Okay.
00:06:37This is the story of Tim and Eric.
00:06:40They were given $1 billion to make their first feature film by this man, Tommy Schlang.
00:06:45I paid a billion dollars for that piece of shit.
00:06:48But Tim and Eric did not spend their money wisely.
00:06:51Despite the record-setting budget, they were only able to edit together three minutes of usable footage.
00:06:56They had expensive personal makeovers.
00:06:58These two guys don't get into premiere parties.
00:07:00These guys get in front of a line of premieres parties.
00:07:03And they accidentally cast a Johnny Depp impersonator instead of the genuine Johnny Depp.
00:07:07You said I was Johnny Depp.
00:07:08Smelled like Johnny Depp.
00:07:09Everyone said this is Johnny Depp on the set. It's a big day.
00:07:11No, it wasn't Johnny Depp.
00:07:13I know my Johnny Depp.
00:07:14Other expenses included helicopter rides to work, ten-course lunches, and real diamonds for the Diamond Jim suit.
00:07:21The diamonds are forever, though, and we can't return them.
00:07:24Those diamonds aren't going back.
00:07:26They hired a personal shopper and spiritual guru named Jim Joe Kelly, who they paid an astonishing $500,000 a week.
00:07:33I'm not even walking on a set without Jim Joe.
00:07:35If you think I'm going to get involved in something without him being a part of this, then you're out of your mind.
00:07:38They also employed a team of personal assistants, including this small man named Jason.
00:07:45Tim and I were making a speech about our movie, and you fucking blew it.
00:07:48Come on, Jason. We need the hot corn before the movie, not after the movie.
00:07:52Do you mind if I do?
00:07:53Go ahead.
00:07:54Come on! Now sit down. Sorry about that, gang.
00:07:58But perhaps most foolishly of all, they signed a legally binding contract with the Schlang Corporation,
00:08:03which held them personally responsible for the $1 billion.
00:08:06I want my money back!
00:08:08We're going to sue you for every dime.
00:08:11You motherfuckers are going to jail for what you did!
00:08:17After several threatening letters from the Schlang Corporation,
00:08:20Tim and Eric realized they needed a plan to pay back Schlang's billion dollars.
00:08:25Shred it.
00:08:27We've really got to think of a way to get that money back now.
00:08:30There's got to be an easy way to do it here.
00:08:32Are you guys hungry?
00:08:34We could get some beef, chili, and hot dog buns like you like to put your mouth around, like you like to do.
00:08:40Ma, when we're hungry, I'll ring the bell. Then you'll know to put some chili on.
00:08:45After days of work, shopping, failed ideas,
00:08:48Tim and Eric faced the very real threat of spending the rest of their lives in jail.
00:08:52But first they had to terminate their relationship with their trusted friend and spiritual guru, Jim Joe Kelly.
00:08:58You're not going to believe what I bought for you.
00:09:00I've got to tell him.
00:09:02Oh, mercy!
00:09:05I'm sensing some real depression here. What's going on?
00:09:09Tell him.
00:09:11Jim Joe, we have to let you go.
00:09:16I'm sorry.
00:09:17What?
00:09:18It's all over, Jim Joe.
00:09:20What?
00:09:21Okay.
00:09:22What?
00:09:23It's okay, Jim Joe.
00:09:24Where are you?
00:09:25I can't...
00:09:26I can't...
00:09:27I can't...
00:09:28I can't...
00:09:29I can't...
00:09:30I can't...
00:09:31I can't...
00:09:32I can't...
00:09:34I can't...
00:09:35Breathe.
00:09:36Jim Joe?
00:09:37Oh, God.
00:09:41No!
00:09:42No!
00:09:54One, two, three!
00:09:57Oh!
00:10:00That's not how you do CPR. You go like this.
00:10:11That's it.
00:10:12Shit, he's crying out. He's crying out.
00:10:14Jim Joe, come on!
00:10:15I love you!
00:10:16I love you!
00:10:17I love you!
00:10:18I love you!
00:10:19I love you!
00:10:20I love you!
00:10:21I love you!
00:10:22I love you!
00:10:23I love you!
00:10:26I love you!
00:10:32No, no, no, no, no.
00:10:34Just...
00:10:36steep it.
00:10:41Why can't I just work at a reduced rate?
00:10:43The money's gone.
00:10:45We lost a billion dollars. We're screwed.
00:10:48Easy, Jim Joe.
00:10:50Easy.
00:10:52After all that I've done for you!
00:10:56Jim Joe!
00:10:58This is so much harder for us than it is for you.
00:11:01All right, we're sorry. We're just broke.
00:11:16Great singing voice.
00:11:21He's wonderful.
00:11:23He's remarkable.
00:11:26He's wonderful.
00:11:33I guess this is goodbye.
00:11:35Time to move on.
00:11:39Please out.
00:11:41Is it please out or peace out?
00:11:44It's up to you.
00:11:45Enjoy it.
00:11:46Please out.
00:11:47Please out.
00:11:55So with nowhere left to go,
00:11:56Tim and Eric headed to their favorite nightclub, Circus Disco,
00:11:59to drown their sorrows.
00:12:06I don't know what we're going to do, man.
00:12:09I think we're finished.
00:12:10Screwed up.
00:12:11No one's ever going to let us direct another movie after that shit.
00:12:14You know, I used to have this crazy fantasy of the two of us walking hand in hand
00:12:17down that red carpet on our way to the Academy Awards.
00:12:21That's nice.
00:12:22I don't think it's going to happen.
00:12:24I just want to get fucking drunk.
00:12:27Forget about all this billion dollar bullshit.
00:12:29I'm glad you said it, because I'm feeling the same way.
00:12:31I want to get so fucking high.
00:12:33I want a hashish.
00:12:34I'm going to get skit on my nose.
00:12:35Yo, I want to go dumb.
00:12:37I want to cut my fucking arm off.
00:12:38I'd love to fucking get blackout drunk with you,
00:12:40get a bunch of dudes, put a bunch of shit up our holes.
00:12:43Yeah, let's go fucking nuts.
00:12:45Let's dance!
00:12:53I want to get so fucking high.
00:12:55So, so fucking high.
00:12:56I want to get so fucking high.
00:12:58Yo, I want to go dumb.
00:13:00I'm going to get skit on my nose.
00:13:01Skit, skit, skit on my nose.
00:13:03I'm going to get skit on my nose.
00:13:05Skit, skit, skit on my nose.
00:13:06I want to go dumb.
00:13:13I want to get so fucking high.
00:13:28I want a hashish.
00:13:30H-h-hashish.
00:13:32I want a hashish.
00:13:33H-h-hashish.
00:13:37Cut my fucking arm off.
00:13:38F-f-f-f-fuckin' arm off.
00:13:40Cut my fucking arm off.
00:13:41Cut my fucking arm off.
00:13:42F-f-f-f-fuckin' arm off.
00:13:45Put a bunch of shit up our holes.
00:13:47Bunch of shit up our holes.
00:13:49Bunch of shit.
00:13:51Bunch of shit.
00:14:12Oh.
00:14:14You alright?
00:14:16Yeah.
00:14:17Do you want to make a billion dollars?
00:14:19It's easy.
00:14:20Come and run my mall.
00:14:21You'll be rich.
00:14:22Eric, come check this out.
00:14:24You all love malls.
00:14:26Take my mall.
00:14:27What's the matter?
00:14:28You don't want to make a billion dollars?
00:14:30Anyone can run a stupid fucking mall.
00:14:33Even you.
00:14:34Are you a man or possibly two men
00:14:37who need to make a billion dollars?
00:14:39Come and run my mall.
00:14:40We're having hard times.
00:14:41We need your ideas.
00:14:42Everybody needs a billion.
00:14:44Come and take over the Swallow Valley Mall and Pizza Court.
00:14:47It's easy.
00:14:48Not hard.
00:14:49I said it's easy.
00:14:50Not hard.
00:14:51There's never been an easier way to make a billion dollars.
00:14:54It's easy.
00:14:55And here's the fun part.
00:14:56It's easy.
00:14:57What's the matter?
00:14:58You don't want to make a billion dollars?
00:14:59My day wasn't going good until I put on this.
00:15:01Billion dollars.
00:15:04Man, I love this.
00:15:05Billion dollars.
00:15:07I'm giving away a billion, billion dollars.
00:15:11But you gotta run my mall.
00:15:13Please save our mall.
00:15:15We need your help.
00:15:17I work at one of the kiosks
00:15:19and it would mean the world
00:15:21if someone would come in here.
00:15:23She's so beautiful.
00:15:24And help us make this mall great again.
00:15:27Come to the Swallow Valley Mall.
00:15:29Right off the 182 freeway at Swallow Valley.
00:15:31Sounds crazy, Eric.
00:15:32I know, but I think we can do this.
00:15:34Yo, I like it.
00:15:35This mall could be easy money, man.
00:15:36That's right.
00:15:37You know what?
00:15:38And I'm really good at numbers, accounting, all that stuff.
00:15:40Well, you know me.
00:15:41I'm a big PR, strategy, marketing kind of guy.
00:15:43But you know, more importantly, man,
00:15:45I just want to say this could be a fresh start for us.
00:15:48We could forget all about this Hollywood bullshit
00:15:50and really reinvent ourselves.
00:15:51Yeah.
00:15:52You know, I've been meaning to tell you this all night,
00:15:54but I love you, man.
00:15:55And I love our friendship.
00:15:56Well, thank you.
00:15:57I honor you and I honor our friendship
00:15:59and I honor our love.
00:16:00It would mean a lot to me if we could run this mall
00:16:02and I could make love to this hot woman
00:16:04and we could start a business partnership together.
00:16:06I love it, but I got a big problem.
00:16:08I hate to do this to you.
00:16:09I need to have an emergency business meeting right now
00:16:11because guess what?
00:16:12We don't have a name for our company yet.
00:16:14Shit.
00:16:15All right.
00:16:16What are we good at?
00:16:17Well, we're men who do business.
00:16:19We want to be business members.
00:16:20We're boys who do business.
00:16:21Yeah.
00:16:22We both do business.
00:16:24Eric, look.
00:16:30It's a sign.
00:16:31Doing business.
00:16:34Dobis.
00:16:36I love it.
00:16:37It's got a ring to it, doesn't it?
00:16:39Yeah.
00:16:40Dobis.
00:16:41That's who we are.
00:16:42We're Dobis PR.
00:16:43Dobis.
00:16:45Look at that.
00:16:46Look at all the elements of business.
00:16:48Look, they're all there, Eric.
00:16:49Market research.
00:16:51Strategic PR.
00:16:53Profit and loss.
00:16:55I'll have the report to you by Monday.
00:16:58I'll look forward to it.
00:17:01Guys, I told you you should have never fired me.
00:17:04Jim Joe, what do you want?
00:17:06I've got some poetry about regret I'd like to share with you.
00:17:09Come on, Jim Joe.
00:17:10Friendship is warm.
00:17:12Friendship is touch.
00:17:14Jim Joe, please stop.
00:17:15We have to do this for ourselves.
00:17:17We're sorry.
00:17:18We've got to leave you behind.
00:17:19I'm sick and I'm lost and I'm tired of floating around.
00:17:22We love you, Jim Joe.
00:17:23We wish you the best.
00:17:25Let's go.
00:17:31You cannot look behind you.
00:17:37Oh, no, you can't.
00:17:42There's too much ahead that excites you.
00:17:47Yes, there is.
00:17:52Just like two horses.
00:17:57Just like two horses.
00:18:03Two horses riding in the wind.
00:18:14Hi, this is Tim and Eric.
00:18:15Sorry we're not here right now.
00:18:16We've left town to become business members.
00:18:18We are now in Duluth.
00:18:19Please leave a message for Duluth.
00:18:21Be blessed.
00:18:22Shit.
00:18:27Son of a bitch.
00:18:29They just skipped town on us, Tommy.
00:18:31You find them.
00:18:33Find them.
00:18:34If it's the last thing you do.
00:18:36I want to drink their bloods.
00:18:38I want to take a knife and gut them.
00:18:41Yes.
00:18:42Oh, God, let me watch their insides fall out.
00:18:45Yes.
00:18:46Yes.
00:18:47Yes.
00:18:48What else, Tommy?
00:18:49I want to strap them up.
00:18:50Yes.
00:18:51Let a bamboo tree go right under their ass.
00:18:53Yes.
00:18:54Let a bamboo tree go right under their ass.
00:18:56Yes.
00:18:57Until the tree grows straight through their brains.
00:18:59Yes.
00:19:00And I will deliver them unto you.
00:19:03I want to eat their fucking hearts.
00:19:05Yes.
00:19:06Yes.
00:19:07Yes.
00:19:15Okay, tell me what you think.
00:19:17Dear Mr. Weebs, we are very, very, very, very excited to meet you.
00:19:22We are, we are Dovis.
00:19:24That's all I got so far.
00:19:26What do you think?
00:19:27Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
00:19:28I wasn't listening to you.
00:19:29I'm just so focused on this ridiculous look.
00:19:32It's not working anymore.
00:19:35Take a look.
00:19:37It's just not right.
00:19:41You know, Eric, if we're going to be businessmen,
00:19:43I think maybe we should look like businessmen, too.
00:19:46I agree.
00:19:47Hold on a second.
00:19:53Hold still.
00:20:05Goodbye.
00:20:22Goodbye.
00:20:52Oh, my God.
00:21:22Oh, my God.
00:21:53Good night, Katie.
00:21:54I miss you, my sweets.
00:21:59Boy, you're really getting attached to that photo, bud.
00:22:02Tim, it's not just a picture, man.
00:22:04That could be the girl of my dreams.
00:22:06All right, let's just try to stay focused on what's important here.
00:22:09Ever since I saw you in that commercial, Katie,
00:22:11I felt this electricity in my heart.
00:22:13I can't wait to meet you and make love to you
00:22:15and go deep inside you and show you my mushroom tip.
00:22:18I can't wait to meet you and make love to you
00:22:20and go deep inside you and show you my mushroom tip.
00:22:23All right, well, I'm hitting the sack.
00:22:43What the hell?
00:22:45Okay.
00:22:48Okay.
00:22:50All right.
00:22:56You want to finish that in the bathroom?
00:22:58Almost done.
00:23:01Oh, God.
00:23:15Okay, well, I'm gonna say good night, then.
00:23:31Just like two horses
00:23:35Just like two horses
00:23:41Two horses
00:23:44Riding in the wind
00:23:49Riding in the wind
00:23:54Riding in the wind
00:24:01You've come a long way, Tim.
00:24:04We could turn around right now if you want.
00:24:06No.
00:24:08I'm ready.
00:24:11All right, let's go.
00:24:13Let's go.
00:24:29Hello?
00:24:33Mr. Weems!
00:24:39Help me!
00:24:43Help me!
00:24:54Mr. Weems?
00:24:58Mr. Weems?
00:25:00Hello?
00:25:02Mr. Weems?
00:25:04Whoa!
00:25:06Who is that, Taquito?
00:25:08No, sir, it's Dolbus. It's Tim and Eric.
00:25:10Tim and Eric.
00:25:12Oh, come in.
00:25:14Thank you.
00:25:16Tim and Eric, hello.
00:25:18Hi. Sorry to spook you.
00:25:20Good to see you.
00:25:22Come in.
00:25:26I did not expect you.
00:25:28I don't usually have visitors at this time of the day.
00:25:31So thank you.
00:25:33Please, sit down.
00:25:35God! Come on!
00:25:37God damn it!
00:25:39There's an order here.
00:25:42All this was organized.
00:25:44Now I don't know.
00:25:46Because a couple of dicks walked in and wrecked it.
00:25:50Can I help you?
00:25:52No! Have you ever visited an office before?
00:25:55Do you want us to come back another time?
00:26:00I almost had a heart attack.
00:26:04Can we fresh start?
00:26:06I'll be great.
00:26:08Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
00:26:10And I'm Tim Heidecker.
00:26:12And we are from Dolbus PR.
00:26:14We saw your commercial.
00:26:16And we're here to run the mall and make that billion.
00:26:19Do you want to watch Top Gun?
00:26:21Right now?
00:26:23I love that movie.
00:26:25Do you have a copy?
00:26:27I have it here somewhere. There it is.
00:26:29It's right here.
00:26:31Top Gun.
00:26:33Just put it right in there.
00:26:35Great.
00:26:37Start from the top?
00:26:40Top Gun from the top.
00:26:44Sit back and enjoy the ride.
00:26:46Tom Cruise, I guess.
00:26:55Great.
00:26:57I like that movie.
00:26:59It's a good movie.
00:27:01Do you want to watch it again?
00:27:05We just saw one pass of it.
00:27:07I love to focus in on the business.
00:27:09It literally means the world to me.
00:27:13Come on.
00:27:15Let's watch one more time.
00:27:17Rewind.
00:27:21So while we're rewinding,
00:27:23let's talk business about the mall.
00:27:25And hit play.
00:27:27Play again.
00:27:29Top Gun from the top.
00:27:31Again.
00:27:33Sit back and enjoy the ride.
00:27:38I love that movie.
00:27:40It's a great film.
00:27:42Great flying.
00:27:44Yeah.
00:27:46I love that music.
00:27:48Yeah.
00:27:50The music is great.
00:27:54Not just the songs.
00:27:56The score is good.
00:27:58The motorcycles and stuff.
00:28:00Is that Val Kilmer?
00:28:02Is it Val Kilmer?
00:28:04Jesus.
00:28:07Fuck.
00:28:17Alright.
00:28:19Taquito!
00:28:21Get up here right now!
00:28:23I've got some business for you!
00:28:25I'll need to introduce you to Taquito.
00:28:27He lives here in the mall.
00:28:29He's a sick boy.
00:28:31Sorry to hear that.
00:28:33Come here.
00:28:37He's your problem now.
00:28:41Okay.
00:28:45Also, you're going to have to look out for the wolf.
00:28:49Is that a metaphorical wolf?
00:28:51Huh?
00:28:53Like an animal wolf.
00:28:55You're talking about a wolf?
00:28:57Oh yeah.
00:28:59He's a real wolf.
00:29:01He'll bite you.
00:29:03Noted.
00:29:05Noted. Okay.
00:29:07Well, if I can just move on.
00:29:09One more thing. I hate to do this to you, but
00:29:11in the commercial you said we're going to make a billion dollars.
00:29:13Oh, the money's coming.
00:29:17Did you wink there?
00:29:19You just winked.
00:29:21Look, don't worry about the money.
00:29:23You're going to make a billion running this place.
00:29:25Make into money.
00:29:27Yeah. Happened again.
00:29:29Sorry, we're still seeing it.
00:29:31Really?
00:29:33It's kind of hard to believe.
00:29:35So, wink. That was a wink.
00:29:37I don't think I winked.
00:29:39Yeah, well, we both saw it.
00:29:41You winked. I don't know if it's some kind of reflexive thing.
00:29:43No.
00:29:45Would you just mind saying, Tim and Eric,
00:29:47you'll make the billion dollars around the mall, and there's no wink.
00:29:49I hate doing this, but could you just
00:29:51even with your hands, just keep them open.
00:29:53I'm happy to.
00:29:55Then just say, Tim and Eric will make a billion dollars.
00:29:57No wink.
00:29:59Yeah.
00:30:01You're going to do just fine running this place.
00:30:03You're going to make a billion.
00:30:05Even with them spread,
00:30:07we see the wink right there.
00:30:09I don't even know how it's possible,
00:30:11but you're winking through it.
00:30:13I think we should just trust him on this.
00:30:15I don't know.
00:30:17Well, we don't have any other options.
00:30:19A wink or no wink, we have to go with this.
00:30:21We're here.
00:30:23All right. Well, Mr. Weebs, we'd love to accept the offer.
00:30:25Oh, that's wonderful news.
00:30:27We'll run your mall.
00:30:29Yes, Uncle Damien, what is it?
00:30:31Taquito!
00:30:35These are Tim and Eric.
00:30:37Oh, how nice.
00:30:39They will be running the mall from now on.
00:30:41You take orders from them.
00:30:43Yes, Uncle Damien.
00:30:45Want to see where I live?
00:30:47Want to know where to get food?
00:30:49Taquito!
00:30:51You do the song like we practiced.
00:30:53Yes, Uncle Damien.
00:30:55My name is Taquito.
00:30:57I live here in the mall.
00:30:59I got left here when I was really small.
00:31:01And then the mall closed
00:31:03and the wolves came to stay.
00:31:05They raised me at first,
00:31:07but now they chase me all day.
00:31:09So stick with me.
00:31:11I'll show you all the tricks,
00:31:13but not too close, or you may get sick!
00:31:19Sorry, I'm real sick.
00:31:21You okay?
00:31:23I'll be all right.
00:31:25It's just the shivers.
00:31:27My body is hot,
00:31:29but I feel cold.
00:31:31Mr. Weebs?
00:31:39Tonight's movie features
00:31:41several important lessons.
00:31:43The following segments are meant
00:31:45to reinforce these themes.
00:31:53You wanted to see me?
00:31:55Yes. You're fired.
00:31:57Oh, no!
00:31:59Why?
00:32:01Why?
00:32:03That's it. Let it all out.
00:32:05Oh, no!
00:32:07This is the best business
00:32:09scenario for us.
00:32:11It had to be done.
00:32:13Yes, you're right.
00:32:15I understand that now.
00:32:17Thank you. Goodbye.
00:32:19Psst. Wait.
00:32:21This is your severance package.
00:32:45Sweet home, Mrs. Wareheim.
00:32:47This is Heidegger.
00:32:49This is Heidegger.
00:32:51Yes.
00:32:53You must be so proud of your boys,
00:32:55making a big Hollywood movie,
00:32:57aren't you?
00:32:59The sets, the movie stars.
00:33:01Jeez.
00:33:03Louise is something, isn't it?
00:33:07See, the problem is
00:33:09that they screwed up.
00:33:11Big time.
00:33:13They screwed up,
00:33:15mommies!
00:33:18Are you scared?
00:33:20What?
00:33:22Scared.
00:33:24Where's your son?
00:33:26He's...
00:33:28Where are your sons?
00:33:30I wish I could help you, but I can't. Sorry.
00:33:32Where are your sons?
00:33:34Where are your sons?
00:33:36Where is...
00:33:38Girl!
00:33:40Let me try.
00:33:44We got Zapper's music
00:33:46over there on the right.
00:33:48And that's Dan's tiny baby outlet.
00:33:50He's only open
00:33:52two days a week.
00:33:54And this here is Drimble's yogurt.
00:33:56Some folks say
00:33:58it's haunted
00:34:00by the yogurt man.
00:34:02I don't know.
00:34:04I wouldn't change too much around here.
00:34:06The yogurt man might get
00:34:08real upset.
00:34:10That's a bobo.
00:34:12How are you?
00:34:14Hi.
00:34:16And this is Simon's.
00:34:18They sell things for
00:34:20mommies and daddies.
00:34:22Oh, hey, Eric, check it out. Swords.
00:34:24Cool. I love swords.
00:34:28Mr. Bishopman?
00:34:30I have a couple of fellas
00:34:32who wanted to meet you.
00:34:34What's this? What do you want? We're closing.
00:34:36I'm Tim Heidecker.
00:34:38I'm Eric Wareheim, and we're from Dovis PR,
00:34:40and we're here to take over your mall.
00:34:42We're here to reimagine what this mall can be,
00:34:44and in fact, we've got some pretty big and exciting changes
00:34:46in mind.
00:34:48So just hand over your cost report, and we'll get started
00:34:50on some business plans for you.
00:34:52You listen to me.
00:34:54I'm Alan fucking Bishopman,
00:34:56and I've run Easy Swords for
00:34:5815 years, and you want me
00:35:00to change? Fuck you!
00:35:02Sir, Dovis is here to help.
00:35:04I like things this way.
00:35:06I want things to change!
00:35:08I sell two swords a year.
00:35:10I'm good. I sell no swords a year.
00:35:12I'm even better.
00:35:14You see, Swallow Valley wants to keep swords
00:35:16off the streets, and they pay me
00:35:18a monthly fee to not sell any
00:35:20swords! Okay, I didn't know that.
00:35:22Well, now you do, you
00:35:24shit! Okay, well,
00:35:26we didn't know that, so...
00:35:28Well, now you do, you shit!
00:35:30Well, we weren't aware. I'm sorry.
00:35:32Well, now you do, you
00:35:34piece of shit.
00:35:36I got a lot of stuff
00:35:38going around in my head.
00:35:40I gotta sort it out, and it'll help to not
00:35:42have you right in my fucking face
00:35:44the whole time!
00:35:46Well, we look forward to doing business with you, sir.
00:35:48Yes. All the best.
00:35:50Yes.
00:35:52Good night.
00:35:58Anyways, there's a lot
00:36:00of other fun stuff I see tomorrow.
00:36:02Well, here we are.
00:36:04Here's my humble abode.
00:36:06And your temporary home away
00:36:08from home.
00:36:10Careful.
00:36:14This is my
00:36:16secret tunnel.
00:36:22Well,
00:36:24here's the living room.
00:36:28That's Roy.
00:36:30Don't look him in the eye.
00:36:32Hey.
00:36:34Hello?
00:36:36Get the fuck outta here!
00:36:42Here we are.
00:36:44This is my
00:36:46little palace.
00:36:48This is where I sleep.
00:36:52If you have to do
00:36:54your business,
00:36:56there's no curtain.
00:36:58You just close your eyes.
00:37:00If you have to do any work
00:37:02or any kind of calculations,
00:37:04you can
00:37:06use this machine I built.
00:37:08It's called the...
00:37:10It's called
00:37:12the Tequter.
00:37:14Eric's our numbers man here.
00:37:16I'm more of a managerial type for Dovis.
00:37:18Really looking forward to crunching some numbers on that Tequter tequila.
00:37:20Oh, yeah.
00:37:22You must be hungry.
00:37:24Here.
00:37:26Have a tequito.
00:37:28No thanks.
00:37:30You gotta keep those refrigerated, Tequito.
00:37:32I know. That's why I only eat the middle.
00:37:34Tequito, put that in your mouth, please.
00:37:48Tequito, is everything alright?
00:37:50It's only blood. It's just natural.
00:37:54I'm not meant to live long.
00:37:58Poor boy.
00:38:00Alright. Well, on that note,
00:38:02we should probably hit the hay.
00:38:04Okay.
00:38:06So we can sleep right back there?
00:38:08Yep.
00:38:10Good night.
00:38:12Sweet dreams.
00:38:16Alright, Tequito.
00:38:18Good night.
00:38:20Ah, it's nice to have some company.
00:38:22Thanks, Tequito.
00:38:24Thank you.
00:38:28Thank you.
00:38:30This is what we do, this is who we are.
00:38:59We're DOBISPR, we're DOBISPR, we love what we do, and we love who we are.
00:39:05We're DOBISPR, we're DOBISPR, D-O-B-I-S-P-R, D-O-B-I-S-P-R.
00:39:22DOBISP, D-O-B-I-S-P, D-O-B-I-S-P-R, D-O-B-I-S-P-R.
00:39:52Hello, people of Swallowmaw, let's give a real big warm welcome to our President's
00:40:07of Dovis PR, Tim and Eric!
00:40:08Hey everybody!
00:40:09Awesome!
00:40:10What is up party people?
00:40:11I'm Tim Heidecker, this is Eric Wareheim, we are Dovis PR, and we're here to tell you
00:40:27about our plan to revitalize the Swallow Valley Mall.
00:40:31Boom!
00:40:32And here's how we're going to do it guys, we're going to use the three keys to success.
00:40:38The first key to success.
00:40:40We got to get rid of that wool!
00:40:46The wool.
00:40:51Okay, our second key to success is we've got to clean this mall up.
00:40:55Alright?
00:40:56We got to put a fresh coat of paint on things, we got to get rid of all you squatters.
00:41:00The third key to success is to prepare for the grand reopening of the new Swallow Valley
00:41:05Mall.
00:41:06We've got to get rid of the stores that don't work and bring in stores that do work, that make profits.
00:41:11That's going to do it for us, guys.
00:41:13And we're going to be making our billion.
00:41:15You got that right.
00:41:16I do want to add a small caveat here.
00:41:18We have absolutely no experience doing this kind of stuff.
00:41:21Absolutely not, guys. We are Hollywood actors.
00:41:24Okay? That's our specialty.
00:41:26Reopening a shithole mall.
00:41:29It's not what we do.
00:41:30Yeah, we just want to go on record here so nobody can come back
00:41:33and this can't bite us in the ass that we didn't know what we were doing here, okay?
00:41:36When I look in your face, sir, I say to myself,
00:41:39I wish I stayed in Hollywood and just stayed a superstar actor.
00:41:43What the fuck am I doing down here doing business in this shithole mall?
00:41:47But that's Dobis.
00:41:48That's the pride of Dobis. Get used to it, because this place is going to change.
00:41:52Oh, yeah!
00:41:57Come on, everybody, say Dobis!
00:41:59Dobis!
00:42:00Dobis!
00:42:01Talk about Mama Dobis in the house.
00:42:04Dobis!
00:42:05Dobis!
00:42:07Dobis!
00:42:15Got you just where I want you.
00:42:18There you are.
00:42:20Oh, you guys are going down.
00:42:23Excuse me, I was wondering about this sword.
00:42:25Hang on! Can't you see I'm on the fucking phone?
00:42:28Yes, hello, operator.
00:42:30I need the number for the Schlang Corporation.
00:42:33I have some information they're going to want to hear.
00:42:36No, I don't want customer service, you stupid bitch!
00:42:39I want you to put me through to headquarters, goddammit!
00:42:43Hello?
00:42:44Oh, she hung up. Great, she hung up.
00:42:47What the hell do you want?
00:42:50Oh, you're just holding the knife out like I know...
00:42:52Oh, I know what to do with that!
00:42:54I just wanted to see how much this sword was.
00:42:56Get the hell out of my store!
00:43:18Official Dobis Reps here, stopping in for a meet and greet.
00:43:22Hi, welcome to Reggie's.
00:43:24What can I get for you? You've got a sale on Slightly Soiled.
00:43:27No, no, no, we're not customers.
00:43:29I don't know if you saw our presentation we did the other day,
00:43:31but we're running things here at the mall now.
00:43:33What exactly do you sell here, Reggie?
00:43:35Well, used toilet paper, of course.
00:43:38There's a lot of demand for that here then, Reg?
00:43:40It's more of a gourmet operation.
00:43:43Okay, write that down, gourmet.
00:43:44I got it.
00:43:45G-I...
00:43:46No, G-O-R-M-A-Y.
00:43:48G-O-R...
00:43:49M-A-Y.
00:43:50M-A-Y.
00:43:54Yep.
00:43:55Every night, we go out to the usual spots,
00:43:57you know, abandoned porta-potties, sewage mains,
00:44:00those kind of places, and we do our collecting.
00:44:02And then we take the messy slop back here,
00:44:05and we spool it all on to new rolls.
00:44:09What's that shit?
00:44:11That's a shit smell.
00:44:12Is that you?
00:44:13Smells like po-po.
00:44:14Yeah, my father taught me this profession years ago.
00:44:18And now I'm teaching it to my son.
00:44:20Good.
00:44:21Speak of the devil.
00:44:25Come on.
00:44:28This is Jeffrey.
00:44:30Say hello.
00:44:31Hi.
00:44:33Hello!
00:44:35Where you been hiding this boy?
00:44:37It's not a bad boy.
00:44:38Come here.
00:44:40Let me feast my eyes on that boy.
00:44:41Come here.
00:44:43Take a look at you.
00:44:45Hey!
00:44:47Look at the size of him.
00:44:49Look at this.
00:44:51Hmm.
00:44:53Let me see your mouth.
00:44:55Nice. Nice teeth.
00:44:57You wanna sit on Uncle Tim's lap?
00:44:59Get on my knee.
00:45:02I like your son a lot.
00:45:04All right, all right, Tim.
00:45:05Um, listen, Reggie, after a few calculations here,
00:45:07it looks like your store isn't quite fit for the new Dobas brand.
00:45:10Sorry, Reg, we're gonna have to shut this boy down.
00:45:14It's been in the family for years.
00:45:15You know, the new Swallow Valley Mall is about fresh, clean, safe.
00:45:19You know what, Tim?
00:45:20There's an opening for head of janitorial,
00:45:22and I don't know Reggie's qualifications,
00:45:24but I feel like we could give him a shot.
00:45:26What do you think?
00:45:28Uh, well, um...
00:45:29You do the dust, you do the shine.
00:45:31We make a mess, you clean it up, that's the job.
00:45:34Okay, yeah.
00:45:35Great.
00:45:36Well, Reg, it sounds like you're gonna be pretty busy over the next few weeks.
00:45:39Jeffrey, how about you tag along with us,
00:45:41and I could teach you a little bit about
00:45:42what it's like to be a businessman around here,
00:45:44what it's like to be a real man.
00:45:47What's it like to be a real successful businessman, huh?
00:45:51Sound good?
00:45:52Yes, sir.
00:45:53Don't call me sir, why don't you call me daddy?
00:45:55Say yes, daddy.
00:45:56Yes, daddy.
00:45:58Does that sound good to you, Uncle Reg?
00:46:01Yeah, okay.
00:46:02You gonna be my son?
00:46:05That's what I thought.
00:46:17Let's go.
00:46:41Attention, squatters!
00:46:42This is your final warning!
00:46:44Please vacate the mall immediately!
00:46:46This is a direct order from Domus PR!
00:46:53Out of here!
00:47:14Swing, swing, swing, swing, swing.
00:47:16Ah, shit!
00:47:17You got like a foot back here.
00:47:18Swing it hard and up.
00:47:21I got it.
00:47:22I got it.
00:47:23Back it up!
00:47:28Get up, push.
00:47:29Get up, push.
00:47:36Hey!
00:47:38I'm trying to work in here!
00:47:39I'm trying to work in here!
00:47:44Alright, Shrem Alternative Healing Center.
00:47:46Looks like they have a video here, guys.
00:47:48You wanna watch a movie, son?
00:47:50Good day.
00:47:51I'm Dr. Dunstrats, and I want to thank you for choosing the Shrem Alternative Healing Center.
00:47:58Shrem.
00:47:59Shrem can help you achieve premium body health.
00:48:03Shrem.
00:48:10You must locate your inner Shrem.
00:48:13Shrem begin.
00:48:19I will help you find your Shrem, along with my sons.
00:48:22Shrem!
00:48:26Shrem!
00:48:30Shrem!
00:48:34Shrem!
00:48:36Shrem!
00:48:37I'd really like to get my Shrem tested.
00:48:39Meet Dr. Dunn.
00:48:40Shrem.
00:48:41Sounds like shrimp.
00:48:43Shrimp sounds like Shem.
00:48:45Shrem.
00:48:46Should get some shrimp for dinner.
00:48:48Love that.
00:48:50Shrem!
00:49:02Alright, Katie's Celebrity Balloons.
00:49:04This is our last stop.
00:49:05Looks like no one's home.
00:49:06Let's turn around.
00:49:07No.
00:49:08Let's go back.
00:49:09Just play it cool.
00:49:10Play it just like yourself.
00:49:11Just be natural.
00:49:12Don't forget, we're here for business.
00:49:14Let's do it.
00:49:18Jeffrey, stick with me.
00:49:19Play with the balloons.
00:49:21Hello!
00:49:22Hi, Tim and Eric here.
00:49:23Oh, hi there.
00:49:25Hi, I'm Tim Heider.
00:49:27Hey, I'm Eric Wareheim.
00:49:29I'm a businessman here.
00:49:31I'm so nervous.
00:49:33Love you.
00:49:34No.
00:49:36Be yourself.
00:49:37Hi, Eric Wareheim.
00:49:38I love you.
00:49:39Start again.
00:49:40Harden us.
00:49:41Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
00:49:43Very in love with you.
00:49:44Okay.
00:49:45I'm trying to say the business thing.
00:49:47We won't be able to use any of that.
00:49:49Cut the love.
00:49:50Yeah.
00:49:51Hi, I'm Eric Wareheim.
00:49:52We're here from Dobis.
00:49:53We're evaluating your balloon stand.
00:49:55And I love you so much.
00:49:57Alright, why don't you take a two.
00:50:01Take five.
00:50:02I got this.
00:50:03Hi, we're Dobis.
00:50:04We're just walking around trying to get a lay of the land.
00:50:07Figuring out what you guys need.
00:50:08How we can make this mall better.
00:50:10Oh, I was in the audience.
00:50:12I saw your presentation.
00:50:13You were wonderful.
00:50:15Thank you for coming all this way to help us.
00:50:18These are super cool.
00:50:19How do you even make them?
00:50:21Oh, thank you.
00:50:23Eric.
00:50:28So, Katie, I would love to schedule an official Dobis dinner
00:50:32to discuss your business model for your balloon store here.
00:50:37With both of you?
00:50:38That would be great.
00:50:40Or just me.
00:50:41Tim will probably be busy with his son,
00:50:43so you and I can just kind of go over all the details.
00:50:46Friday's no good.
00:50:47Jeff's got a lot of homework.
00:50:48We're going to concentrate on that.
00:50:50Oh.
00:50:51Okay, fine.
00:50:52Oh, yeah.
00:50:54Hey, Eric.
00:50:55Ah!
00:51:03Jeff?
00:51:08Jeffrey!
00:51:12Jeff?
00:51:17I miss you, son.
00:51:19I miss you, too.
00:51:31What are you working on over there, bud?
00:51:33Just crunching some numbers with the tech-uter here,
00:51:35and we've got a problem.
00:51:38What are you talking about?
00:51:39Take a look at this.
00:51:42Tech-uter, load up the Dobis presentation, please.
00:51:45See what I'm saying?
00:51:46It doesn't add up.
00:51:47Eric, it's probably just a bug in the mainframe.
00:51:49I'll have Jeffrey run a diagnostic.
00:51:51We'll get it sorted out.
00:51:52It's not something to worry about.
00:51:53No.
00:51:54There's nothing wrong with the tech-uter, man.
00:51:55The numbers are right here.
00:51:56There's no way we're making that bail.
00:51:58What are you saying?
00:51:59That Weeb's lied to us?
00:52:00You know how stupid that sounds?
00:52:02You know what your problem is?
00:52:04Your head's in the clouds thinking about Katie all the time.
00:52:07Let me ask you something.
00:52:09How many times do you masturbate to her today?
00:52:12Like five or six.
00:52:13Five or six times.
00:52:14When you should have been focused on the prize.
00:52:16You should be focused on this, opening up the Swallow Valley Mall,
00:52:19making the mooney, okay?
00:52:21Not some dumb slut.
00:52:22Hey!
00:52:25Say what you want about my calculations from the tech-uter,
00:52:27but leave Katie out of this.
00:52:47May I have a bite of your apple?
00:52:59I wish I had a bigger bite.
00:53:01That bite was all mine because I worked hard for it.
00:53:05Yep.
00:53:06I didn't deserve that bite.
00:53:08I should have worked harder.
00:53:17Oh, ladies, ladies, ladies.
00:53:22I'm a successful businessman, ladies.
00:53:27I built this shlang empire from the ground up.
00:53:31And if you think two idiots can make a fool of me,
00:53:35then you've got a lot to learn about business and the shlang way.
00:53:41Yes.
00:53:43I've had you here for days, and you've given me nothing.
00:53:47Cornell, could you untie Mrs. Wareheim, please?
00:53:57Yes.
00:53:59See this?
00:54:01It's a letter opener.
00:54:04It's my grandpop's.
00:54:06Beautiful.
00:54:08They must have used it to open up thousands of letters over the years,
00:54:11but it also settled more than a few arguments.
00:54:20Do you want to lose a finger, too?
00:54:22Where are your sons?
00:54:24I wish I could tell you what you need to know
00:54:26to get your billion dollars back to you,
00:54:28but I just don't think I know where they did get to.
00:54:33Motherfucking Tim and Eric, where did you go?
00:54:36Motherfucking Tim and Eric, where did you go?
00:54:43You are my son
00:54:46You're better than anyone
00:54:49You're just like a shiny new toy
00:54:53You are my boy
00:54:56You are my son
00:54:59You're better than anyone
00:55:02Excuse me.
00:55:04What?
00:55:05I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you want to get back to Dobis,
00:55:07or do you want to continue singing?
00:55:09Yeah, it's fine. I just got lost in my music.
00:55:12Great. Well, we've got Drimble's yogurt here.
00:55:15Looks like the power's been off for years,
00:55:17so we've got a lot of spoiled yogurt we've got to deal with.
00:55:20And as you recall, Takedo gave us a little intel
00:55:22about a so-called yogurt man that's haunting the premises,
00:55:25so Dobo better investigate.
00:55:27Well, if there is a yogurt man in there, Eric,
00:55:29then today he's getting his evasion notice.
00:55:36It's coming.
00:55:38Oh, God.
00:55:40The smell.
00:55:43Yogurt man, are you in here?
00:55:46Hello?
00:55:49Yogurt man?
00:55:52Help!
00:56:04Yogurt man, stand down!
00:56:11Wait.
00:56:14Takedo?
00:56:22Takedo?
00:56:24I'm sorry, guys.
00:56:26I just don't want anything to change.
00:56:30Takedo, change is important,
00:56:32but that doesn't mean we're going to forget about our old friends.
00:56:36I don't know.
00:56:38Hold on a second, Takedo.
00:56:52Takedo, we just had a Dobus meeting,
00:56:54and we've decided to let you run the mall fountain.
00:57:00Really?
00:57:02Not only do you have to get it working,
00:57:04but you have to maintain it and keep track of all the loose change.
00:57:07So I think Takedo's going to be with us for quite some time.
00:57:10Thanks, guys.
00:57:12I'll do the best I can.
00:57:14I hope I don't kick the bucket before I finish.
00:57:18Shut the fuck up, you fucking cunt motherfuckers!
00:57:22I'll kill you!
00:57:24Tim, how do I look?
00:57:26Take a peek.
00:57:28Well, well, well.
00:57:30Sharp as a tack?
00:57:31Feeling pretty good.
00:57:33Big date tonight, huh?
00:57:34Yeah, I'm taking Katie to Impredibles.
00:57:36Oh, that'll be nice.
00:57:37I'm trying to impress her.
00:57:39Oh, I almost forgot.
00:57:40I got you a little something here.
00:57:42It's called a Spanish fly.
00:57:44What is it?
00:57:45Let's just say it'll enhance your lovemaking experience tonight.
00:57:48Put this right in my ass?
00:57:50No, put it orally.
00:57:52Yeah, right in your mouth.
00:57:55You swallow it?
00:57:57Come on, swallow it.
00:58:00Perfect.
00:58:02Then go ahead.
00:58:04Come on, swallow it.
00:58:09Well, you better hit the road then.
00:58:11Okay. Wish me luck, bud.
00:58:13I'll just stay here and work on Dogus.
00:58:15Keep my eye on the prize.
00:58:17Good luck with the pills.
00:58:19Good luck.
00:58:22Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:58:24This is James Quall, here to talk about bread.
00:58:28And one thing I'd have to say
00:58:30is that I'd rather be saying all these bread lines
00:58:34than standing in one.
00:58:38Ah, yes.
00:58:39And one thing that might be a hazard
00:58:41about talking about bread
00:58:43is they might accuse one of being a loafer.
00:58:48Now, I had just come from Hollywood
00:58:50where they have all these famous personalities
00:58:54like Bread Pit and Robert Breadford.
00:59:01And now I'll be baguette in 20 minutes.
00:59:07Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
00:59:15I love this place.
00:59:16I know what you mean.
00:59:18Want some of this bread slot?
00:59:19I'd love some.
00:59:30So good.
00:59:38Mm.
00:59:41This is a funky place.
00:59:45So you were telling me about your mom?
00:59:47Oh, well, my mother calls every Saturday night, right?
00:59:51And it's like she's just calling to see if I have a date.
00:59:54So she doesn't just call me all the time.
00:59:56You okay, honey?
01:00:07Mm.
01:00:13It's getting hot in here.
01:00:15I don't know.
01:00:17I'm just feeling really weird.
01:00:21You okay, honey?
01:00:26There's so much fucking bread here.
01:00:32It's so hot in here, Katie.
01:00:33There's something called Spanish fly.
01:00:36Eric, are you okay?
01:00:38I have way too many teeth in my mouth.
01:00:40You might need some help.
01:00:50Sorry, Eric, there's nothing I can do for you now.
01:00:56I'm gonna take you to the Shrimp Healing Center.
01:00:58Come on, you'll feel much better.
01:00:59Excuse me, I'm so sorry, everyone.
01:01:06Come on in, my son.
01:01:08Dr. Dune has you now,
01:01:11and he's going to make you feel all better.
01:01:15Where am I?
01:01:16Shh, shh, shh.
01:01:17Quiet, my boy.
01:01:19You need the healing powers of Shrimp.
01:01:24I can sense that.
01:01:26Okay.
01:01:27You're in a very bad place.
01:01:33Now drop those pants.
01:01:36Okay.
01:01:57How was your day?
01:01:59Not so good.
01:02:02Eric got sick.
01:02:04That's too bad.
01:02:06Must be really unsatisfying.
01:02:09Yeah, it was.
01:02:15It's a little awkward, isn't it?
01:02:18Yeah, I suppose.
01:02:20I'm still nervous.
01:02:24Listen, uh,
01:02:27wanna go inside?
01:02:30Okay.
01:02:32Are you sure?
01:02:34No.
01:02:36Okay.
01:02:37Let's go.
01:02:38Come on.
01:02:41Step into the tub, my son.
01:02:44That's it.
01:02:45That's it.
01:02:46Everything's going to be okay, Eric, my boy.
01:02:50Dr. Dune has got you,
01:02:52and he's going to give you a nice, warm shrimp bath.
01:02:56What?
01:02:57All my boys have been hiding the shrimp inside them for days now,
01:03:02and they're excited to finally let it out all over you.
01:03:06My boys.
01:03:07Come, my sons.
01:03:08It's time.
01:03:10Oh, look at them.
01:03:12They can barely hold it in.
01:03:15Shrimp.
01:03:17Shrimp.
01:03:19Shrimp.
01:03:21Shrimp.
01:03:24Oh, dear.
01:03:26Oh, dear.
01:03:28Oh, oh.
01:03:46Whoa!
01:03:48Eric.
01:03:57My boys only eat the finest, softest meat
01:04:02so that they can achieve a level of shrimp that's unlatched.
01:04:18Shrimp.
01:04:37Let the brown foamy mess wash all over you.
01:04:49No!
01:04:55Oh, it's a beautiful thing.
01:04:59Oh.
01:05:16This is the power of shrimp.
01:05:19Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:05:28Oh.
01:05:43Jeffrey?
01:05:45Is that you, boy?
01:05:55What are you doing, Jeffrey?
01:05:57Where's Papa Tim?
01:05:59Is he inside?
01:06:02Where are you going?
01:06:04Hello?
01:06:15What the fuck?
01:06:18Oh, shit.
01:06:20What's going on?
01:06:21Eric, don't do anything stupid here, buddy.
01:06:23I should go.
01:06:25Katie, how could you do this to me?
01:06:27Eric, I'm so sorry.
01:06:29Hey, stop. You listen to me.
01:06:31I saved you from her.
01:06:32She was nothing but dead weight, Eric.
01:06:34She was making you soft.
01:06:35She was not making me soft.
01:06:37She was making you soft.
01:06:38She wasn't making me soft.
01:06:40She was making you soft!
01:06:43She was making me hard.
01:06:45Fuck hard.
01:06:48Sometimes when you're writing, you just look for opportunities
01:06:51to create moments that take you out of the scene
01:06:53and just add a joke.
01:06:55The jag was we were doing soft, soft, soft,
01:06:58and sort of out of nowhere, we go hard.
01:07:00Oh!
01:07:02Laugh.
01:07:03We fought for Laugh Track, and they said,
01:07:04no, this is a feature film for the theaters.
01:07:07Laugh Track wouldn't make any sense.
01:07:10Think about it.
01:07:12Eric, she was making you soft.
01:07:14She's taking your eyes off the game, Eric.
01:07:16Okay, we're here for Dobis!
01:07:17What did you give me? That wasn't Spanish fly.
01:07:19I played the oldest trick in the book,
01:07:21but I had to play it because I needed to save my friend.
01:07:23You poisoned me!
01:07:25What else could I do?
01:07:26You son of a bitch!
01:07:28Ah!
01:07:29Whoa!
01:07:30Ah!
01:07:31Ah!
01:07:32Oh!
01:07:33Oh!
01:07:34Ah!
01:07:35Oh!
01:07:36Oh!
01:07:37Motherfucker!
01:07:38Ah!
01:07:39How could you do that?
01:07:41Oh!
01:07:42Oh!
01:07:43Oh!
01:07:44Oh!
01:07:45Oh!
01:07:46Come on, guys!
01:07:50Jim Joe!
01:07:51Why are you fighting? Stop fighting!
01:07:53Don't you remember my poem about peace?
01:07:55If you don't remember, I'll recite it for you.
01:07:57Jim Joe!
01:07:58P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Peace
01:08:00P-P-P-P-P-P-Peace
01:08:02P-P-P-P-P-P-Peace
01:08:04Yah!
01:08:06Come on!
01:08:07Come on!
01:08:08Come on!
01:08:09Come on!
01:08:10Come on!
01:08:11Come on!
01:08:12Come on!
01:08:13Come on!
01:08:14Come on!
01:08:15Come on!
01:08:16Come on!
01:08:17Come on!
01:08:18Come on!
01:08:19Come on!
01:08:20Come on!
01:08:21Come on!
01:08:22Come on!
01:08:23Come on!
01:08:24Come on!
01:08:25Come on!
01:08:26Come on!
01:08:27Come on!
01:08:28Come on!
01:08:29Come on!
01:08:30Come on!
01:08:31Come on!
01:08:32Come on!
01:08:33Come on!
01:08:34Come on!
01:08:35Come on!
01:08:36Come on!
01:08:37Come on!
01:08:38Come on!
01:08:39Come on!
01:08:41Go!
01:08:42Oh!
01:08:53Why are you biting?
01:08:54Ha ha ha ha!
01:09:05I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I poisoned you! I'm sorry for everything! I'm sorry!
01:09:33I'm sorry, man.
01:09:34I'm sorry.
01:09:36You were looking out for me, and you were looking out for us,
01:09:38and the whole Dobas thing.
01:09:40I know that now.
01:09:41I'm glad you finally see it that way,
01:09:43because I'm just trying to help.
01:09:44Yeah.
01:09:45I just have to ask you one question.
01:09:48Why'd you have to sleep with Katie?
01:09:50You know I love her.
01:09:51Well, to be honest with you, the plan made me horny.
01:09:54I had emptied my ball sack into something.
01:09:58That moist hole must have felt so good.
01:10:02Well, you really do love her, don't you?
01:10:04I really do.
01:10:06It's not going to bother you when you're making love to her
01:10:08that my wick got inside that hole?
01:10:10Not at all, man.
01:10:12There's something special about it,
01:10:14you being deep inside like that.
01:10:17Well, then it'd be an honor to be your best man.
01:10:19Heh.
01:10:25Come on down to the grand reopening
01:10:27of the Swallow Valley Mall.
01:10:28I'll be there.
01:10:28My best friend Tim Heidecker will be there.
01:10:30I think you're going to like what you see.
01:10:31You're going to like the fake trees.
01:10:33You're going to like all our new stores.
01:10:34You're going to like meeting my new son, Jeffrey.
01:10:36My best friend Tim and I rebuilt this whole mall for you.
01:10:38You got to come down.
01:10:39That's not going to kill you.
01:10:40Come on down.
01:10:41It's for Dovah's sake.
01:10:41I'm going to murder myself if you don't come down
01:10:43to my new fucking mall.
01:10:48Come on down to the grand reopening
01:10:49of the Swallow Valley Mall.
01:10:51My dad told me this is the coolest mall ever.
01:10:53You think you know more than my dad?
01:10:54Don't fucking come down.
01:10:55It's the grand reopening of the Swallow Valley Mall.
01:10:57It's just off Route 35, right here
01:10:58in historic Swallow Valley.
01:11:02Ha, ha, ha.
01:11:04Where did you get that?
01:11:05This guy named Bishopman, he sends this to me.
01:11:08He's been filling up my voicemail box for weeks
01:11:10with crazy rants about these guys.
01:11:12But look at this.
01:11:13We got him, Tommy.
01:11:15We got him.
01:11:16Earl, gather the men.
01:11:19We found your boys.
01:11:20We're going to go get them.
01:11:21Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:11:24Ha, ha.
01:11:31Ha, ha.
01:11:52Ha, ha, ha.
01:11:54All right.
01:11:55Listen, guys.
01:11:56On behalf of Dobos, I want to say
01:11:58thank you for all your hard work in getting
01:11:59this mall back in shape.
01:12:01and I gotta say something personally,
01:12:02we're all very proud of you.
01:12:04Guys, tomorrow's our big day
01:12:05and Dobis couldn't be more jazzed about it.
01:12:08But right now I wanna have a little fun
01:12:10with the permission of my best friend, Tim.
01:12:11Muoio permissiono grante.
01:12:18Takedo, would you do the honors?
01:12:20Here goes nothing.
01:12:24On three, everybody.
01:12:25One, two, three.
01:12:29Takedo.
01:12:31It's wonderful.
01:12:33It's gorgeous, Takedo.
01:12:34I worked really hard on it.
01:12:37You should make a wish.
01:12:38I love it.
01:12:40Oh, Dobis, I wish for this grand reopening
01:12:42to be the greatest grand reopening of all time.
01:12:44I wish that Tim Heidecker remains my best friend
01:12:46and I get to marry Katie soon.
01:12:54Ah!
01:12:55Ah!
01:12:56Ah!
01:12:56Ah!
01:12:57Ah!
01:12:59I forgot about that wolf.
01:13:03I know what to do.
01:13:05I'm gonna need some duct tape and some pizza.
01:13:12Ah!
01:13:13Ah!
01:13:14Ah!
01:13:25Eric, I don't feel good about this.
01:13:27Takedo, be careful.
01:13:29Mama wolf.
01:13:32I have some nice pizza for you.
01:13:36Remember when we had pizza?
01:13:38Ah!
01:13:39Ah!
01:13:39Ah!
01:13:43Hey, Mama wolf, remember your baby boy?
01:13:49Have to ask you a little favor.
01:13:53It's time to go back to the wolf.
01:13:55Ah!
01:13:56Ah!
01:13:57Ah!
01:13:58Ah!
01:13:59Ah!
01:13:59Ah!
01:14:00Ah!
01:14:01Ah!
01:14:02Ah!
01:14:03Ah!
01:14:04Ah!
01:14:04Ah!
01:14:05Ah!
01:14:06Ah!
01:14:07Ah!
01:14:08Ah!
01:14:11It's gone.
01:14:13Must have snapped that neck on the way down.
01:14:15You saved them all.
01:14:17Tell you what, Takedo, we're gonna change the name
01:14:18of the pizza court to the Takeda court, you hear me?
01:14:21Goodbye, boy.
01:14:22I missed the shit out of him already.
01:14:27Takedo!
01:14:28Mr. Weebs?
01:14:30What are you doing here?
01:14:32I could sense my boy Takedo was in trouble.
01:14:35It's too late, he's already dead.
01:14:37He sacrificed his body for the mall.
01:14:38He's gone.
01:14:40Takedo!
01:14:44He's alive.
01:14:47Am I in heaven?
01:14:49Takedo, you killed the wolf and you saved them all.
01:14:52You did just what you said you'd do.
01:14:55I did it.
01:14:56I killed the wolf.
01:15:00You did, my little boy.
01:15:02I'm so proud of you.
01:15:04I'm not gonna last long.
01:15:07I'm in a lot of pain.
01:15:12Would you like Uncle Damien to put some lead in you, son?
01:15:16It's so cold down here.
01:15:18Put me to sleep forever.
01:15:25I can't watch him die twice, I can't do it, sorry.
01:15:30Takedo!
01:15:35Ah, I'm still here.
01:15:40Better try again.
01:15:42Okay.
01:15:44Takedo!
01:15:47Now I can't feel my legs.
01:15:49It won't be long now.
01:15:51Oh.
01:15:54I can't take this, finish him off.
01:15:55Damn it, Weeb, shoot him in the face.
01:15:57No.
01:15:59I want my Takedo to have an open casket funeral.
01:16:05Ow!
01:16:08Oh.
01:16:09Come on, Takedo.
01:16:11Just die, Takedo, come on.
01:16:16Any minute now.
01:16:20Maybe I won't be sick in heaven.
01:16:25He's dead.
01:16:26Is he dead?
01:16:31Yeah.
01:16:32Good.
01:16:33Bye-bye.
01:16:34Bye, Takedo, thank you.
01:16:37That's it then.
01:16:52Little to the left.
01:16:54Back a little bit.
01:16:56That looks pretty good.
01:16:57That looks great.
01:16:58Yeah.
01:16:59You know, Eric, there's something I need to tell you.
01:17:02I think you may have been right.
01:17:04I did some numbers crunching on my own,
01:17:06and there's no way we're gonna make
01:17:08a billion dollars running this mall.
01:17:10I know.
01:17:11But you know, that doesn't matter anymore.
01:17:13It's not about the money.
01:17:14It's about you and me.
01:17:15It's about your new son.
01:17:16It's about Katie.
01:17:17It's about the mall.
01:17:18I mean, you really made a difference here.
01:17:21You know, they probably forgot
01:17:21about that billion dollars anyway.
01:17:24It's just a billion dollars.
01:17:27I love this fucking mall.
01:17:29Come on.
01:17:30To Dobis.
01:17:31Hey, big news.
01:17:31You have just been made Dobis's employee of the month.
01:17:35I wanna live in this fucking mall forever.
01:17:39Forever?
01:17:47Do you forgive me for sleeping with Tim?
01:17:49I do.
01:17:51Oh.
01:17:52There he is.
01:17:53Oh.
01:17:55I hope you never leave.
01:17:58Guess we're gonna be here forever.
01:18:04Look, Dad, our first customers.
01:18:08I don't think those are customers, son.
01:18:11Take a look.
01:18:15Shit.
01:18:16Slang.
01:18:18They found us.
01:18:20All right, everybody inside.
01:18:20Come on.
01:18:29What's going on?
01:18:50Listen up, Tim and Eric.
01:18:52We have you surrounded.
01:18:54And if you don't come out in 10 seconds,
01:18:57I'm gonna come in there and blow you to fucking hell.
01:19:01Finally.
01:19:02Good luck, assholes.
01:19:07Hey, guys, it's me, Alan.
01:19:09I was the one who sent you the tape
01:19:10telling you where to find Tim and Eric.
01:19:14Shit.
01:19:15Eric, let's go.
01:19:20Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, listen.
01:19:22Maybe, maybe I overreacted.
01:19:24You think there's some common ground here?
01:19:26I like you, you like me kind of thing?
01:19:28Tim, we need a Dovis-sized idea stat.
01:19:30Okay, hold on now, hold on.
01:19:31Let me think.
01:19:33Come on, think!
01:19:34Come on, Tim.
01:19:36What's going on?
01:19:37Ah, I got it.
01:19:39Reggie, hey, come on in.
01:19:40Come here, come here, come here.
01:19:41How's everything?
01:19:43Good.
01:19:44Family good?
01:19:46Yes.
01:19:48Okay.
01:19:49So, listen, we got a little thing out here.
01:19:50It's not really a big deal,
01:19:51but if you'd go out there and talk to him,
01:19:53maybe knock some sense into him, Reg.
01:19:56Nice.
01:19:56You know, you're a reasonable man.
01:19:57They're reasonable men.
01:19:58You could go out there and tell them to put their guns down.
01:20:01Would you do that for us, Reg?
01:20:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, do it, do it.
01:20:04Dovis needs you, Reg, please.
01:20:06Well, you'd be hitting it out of the park for us
01:20:07if you did it, Reg.
01:20:09I can do it.
01:20:10You do it?
01:20:11Oh, good, thanks, Reg.
01:20:12Thanks.
01:20:13Go ahead, why don't you go ahead and do that now, then?
01:20:14Dovis, thanks, you Reg.
01:20:15We're gonna live.
01:20:23Hi.
01:20:24My name is Reggie.
01:20:27I think we should all take a moment here
01:20:29and reassess the situation
01:20:30because there are a lot of good people in there
01:20:33and I would hate to see any of them hurt.
01:20:36Fire!
01:20:36And I would hate to see any of them hurt.
01:20:38Fire!
01:20:54How do you like that, Tim and Eric?
01:21:01That didn't work.
01:21:02Sorry.
01:21:03We're doomed.
01:21:07What is that smell?
01:21:09I pooped my pants.
01:21:11Oh, Al, that's disgusting.
01:21:13Look, I'm sorry that I tattled on you two.
01:21:16I shouldn't have called.
01:21:17I just thought they were gonna give you a slap on the wrist.
01:21:19The smell's getting in my eyes.
01:21:21Wait a second, I have an idea.
01:21:23Alan, you go back to your store and bring as many swords as you can carry.
01:21:26Okay.
01:21:30You're all gonna die in there!
01:21:37Here you go, guys, as many as I can muster.
01:21:41Thanks so much, Alan, these are great.
01:21:43Oh, you're welcome, you're welcome.
01:21:44Anything for you, I am a team player.
01:21:46Oh, this one's nice.
01:21:47Oh, yeah, yeah, that's one of my favorite ones.
01:21:49I personally sharpened that one.
01:21:54That's for betraying us, Alan!
01:21:56Nice.
01:21:57Thanks, man.
01:21:59You know this is it.
01:22:01I know.
01:22:03I gotta say, it's been one hell of a ride.
01:22:06To Dobis.
01:22:08To Dobis.
01:22:11Katie, I have something to say to you now.
01:22:20You know you're the love of my life, right?
01:22:22Yeah.
01:22:24Ever since I met you, I wanted to consummate that love.
01:22:27I wanted to go deep inside you without a condom
01:22:30and explode in your canal.
01:22:32Grow a little baby up in there.
01:22:34Start a family.
01:22:37So I have to ask you this one important question.
01:22:46Will you marry me?
01:22:48Hey, Eric, where'd you get that big diamond?
01:22:50I got it on the diamond gym set.
01:22:51I got tons of them.
01:22:52Oh, yeah, I got a ton of them diamonds, too.
01:22:54I got like a billion dollars worth of them.
01:22:58Will you make me the happiest man on earth?
01:23:00Will you make me the happiest man on earth?
01:23:03Yes, I do.
01:23:06Katie!
01:23:08Nice shooting, Tommy.
01:23:10Really, really good.
01:23:13I love...
01:23:15Mom.
01:23:22Swarm!
01:23:25Eric!
01:23:28We doing this?
01:23:30Hells yeah!
01:23:32Ah, shit. Come on.
01:23:42Take them out!
01:23:57Black pepper!
01:24:01Okay, listen, I need you to do something for me.
01:24:03It's not gonna be easy, but I know you can do it
01:24:05because you're my little boy.
01:24:09You're the best son I ever had.
01:24:13Hey, Schlagg!
01:24:18Shoot that kid!
01:24:27Fire!
01:24:57Shit!
01:25:20We did it.
01:25:22We did it, buddy.
01:25:24We really did it.
01:25:27We did it.
01:25:37Tim and Eric were sentenced to death
01:25:39for the murders of Tommy Schlagg,
01:25:41Earl Swinter, Cornel Boones,
01:25:43Dean Stuntz, Moyne Pointer,
01:25:45Rand Fletcher, Katie Hill,
01:25:47Takito, Alan Bishopman,
01:25:49Reggie Pish, and Jeffrey Pish Heidecker.
01:25:57Well, what'd you think?
01:25:59As Steven Spielberg,
01:26:01I approve of this movie,
01:26:03and let me say
01:26:05this is the greatest film of all time.
01:26:07Yeah.
01:26:09Let's celebrate!
01:26:21Tim and Eric were sentenced to death
01:26:23for the murders of Tommy Schlagg,
01:26:25Earl Swinter, Cornel Boones,
01:26:27Dean Stuntz, Moyne Pointer,
01:26:29Reggie Pish Heidecker.
01:26:31Well, what'd you think?
01:26:33As Steven Spielberg,
01:26:35I approve of this movie,
01:26:37and let me say
01:26:39this is the greatest film of all time.
01:26:41Yeah.
01:26:43Let's celebrate!
01:26:45Tim and Eric were sentenced to death
01:26:47for the murders of Tommy Schlagg,
01:26:49Earl Swinter, Cornel Boones,
01:26:51Dean Stuntz, Moyne Pointer,
01:26:53Reggie Pish Heidecker.
01:27:23Let's celebrate!
01:27:25Let's celebrate!
01:27:49We did it, you understand me?
01:27:51We fucking did it!
01:27:55We did it!
01:28:01Tim and Eric have taken my apart
01:28:03away from me like Gary Marshall did
01:28:05to me back with Laverne and Shirley
01:28:07in Happy Days when they chose Robin Williams
01:28:09over me.
01:28:15Hi, we're Tim and Eric. I'm Tim Heidecker.
01:28:17Hi, I'm Eric Wehrheimer and this is the movie...
01:28:19Eric Wehrheim.
01:28:21Hi, my name is Eric Wehrheim.
01:28:23This is our billion dollar movie.
01:28:25Thanks so much for watching.
01:28:27Proud of the film. So proud of you, buddy.
01:28:29He's my best friend and I love him so much.
01:28:31I'm also proud of you.
01:28:35And...
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01:33:05If you would like me to narrate your life story,
01:33:07please contact me at
01:33:09michaelgross
01:33:11backslash steven keaton underscore vo actor
01:33:13at hollywood talent
01:33:15voice actor dot biz
01:33:17and someone from my staff
01:33:19will get back to you.
01:33:21You have a good day.
01:33:35You have a good day.