Are You Being Served - S07 E03 - The Apartment
Mrs Slocombe is rendered temporarily homeless after squatters invade her new flat. After her co-workers fail to provide accommodation, Young Mr. Grace allows her to move into the store's Furniture Fitting Department on the top floor. Mrs Slocombe turns the floor into a cosy home-from-home, but her space is soon invaded when a transport strike forces the rest of the staff to move in too. Guest starring Jeffrey Holland.
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00:00I know you may think that's expensive, but let me point out one or two details.
00:30Hand-stitched lapels. The last two buttons on the cuffs are fully operational.
00:34You wouldn't get that on a cheap jacket, would you, Mr. Lucas?
00:36No, you wouldn't, Mr. Rumphreys. The buttons were just stitched on.
00:39That is so. How does the back look?
00:42It's very snug at the back, sir, but you've got such broad shoulders.
00:46How about a pine-paisley scarf to go around the neck?
00:48How much is it?
00:49Fourteen pounds, sir.
00:51Let's look.
00:52Oh, yes. That does set off the neck, doesn't it, Mr. Lucas?
00:55Oh, yes, it does, Mr. Rumphreys. And the hand-stitching and the buttons on the cuff.
00:58Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
01:00This walking stick looks rather nice. How much is that?
01:02Oh, that's our special offer, sir. Three pounds, twenty, genuine wooden ash.
01:05I like it.
01:06Ah, good morning, sir. I'm sorry I wasn't here to attend to you myself.
01:11I've just been to the cloakroom.
01:13May I say, sir, how much that jacket suits you.
01:17Oh, it's an exemplary fit. Congratulations, Mr. Rumphreys.
01:22Thank you, Mr. Goldberg. The gentleman's also taking the pine-paisley scarf.
01:25And the ash walking stick.
01:27Oh, I should say the ash walking stick would be more suitable with a tweed jacket.
01:32Now, this one, for example.
01:34Oh, I do like that.
01:35You like it? There you are. Try it on, sir.
01:38Please. Thank you.
01:40There we are.
01:41This is a special offer, sir. This is a hundred and forty pounds.
01:46You can buy the cotton-water stuff in them on the ground floor.
01:52Miss Browns.
01:53Yes, Captain Peacock.
01:54There's still no sign of Mrs. Slocum.
01:56Well, she said she might be late this morning on account of she's shifting her flat.
02:00You should have given her the day off like she asked.
02:03She's going to be in a right state when she gets here.
02:07Good morning, Captain Peacock, sir.
02:10Oh, pussy, do be a good girl.
02:17Oh, the removal men have only just left.
02:20I see you followed the van with your old cock, Lynette.
02:24I was lucky to get a van at all with these lightning transport strikes.
02:29Mrs. Slocum, there is a strict rule that staff may not bring pets to the stall.
02:34Well, you know how clumsy those removal men are.
02:37I'm not having them handling my pussy.
02:43And if you take my advice, you'll keep away yourself.
02:46She's in a very disturbed state.
02:48I happen to be very good with animals.
02:50Hello, little pussy.
02:54Well, I did warn you.
02:56It bit me.
02:57Well, she hasn't had her breakfast yet.
03:00I suggest you put your menagerie out of sight and keep it there.
03:03Oh, Miss Brahms, would you take them into the fitting room?
03:07Don't be frightened, little pussy. It's only your Auntie Shirley.
03:13Must have taken a weight off your mind to have completed your removal.
03:16What do you mean, completed it? All I've done is see the stuff on the van.
03:20All they've got to do is dump it.
03:22I'm the one that's got to sort it all out.
03:24I should be about three days off for this.
03:26Believe me, I tried, but Mr. Rumble wouldn't hear of it.
03:32Ladies' Intimate Apparel.
03:34I said, Ladies' Intimate Apparel.
03:36All right, then, knickers and knocker covers.
03:44Mrs. Slocum, Supervisor, may I be of any assistance?
03:49Mr. Armstrong?
03:51Oh, it's the van driver.
03:54I've got what?
03:57I've got squatters in me new flat.
04:01Well, I mean, they can't. They can't squat on me.
04:05I mean, they've got to squat on people who live in council flats and millionaires.
04:11Well, what am I going to do with all me furniture?
04:14That wasn't a very helpful suggestion.
04:18No, I can't take it back to the old flat.
04:20The other people will have moved in now.
04:23I know. Can we leave it on the van?
04:27He's got another job at lunchtime.
04:30Well, you'll just have to give me a minute to think.
04:33Look, tell me your telephone number and then I can ring you back.
04:39Right, I've got it.
04:41What am I going to do?
04:43Who am I going to squat on?
04:46Yes, well, I've had a word with Mr. Grace
04:49and in view of your predicament, he is prepared to help.
04:52And so I should hope.
04:54If I'd had the day off, I could have been in time and stopped this.
04:57Well, all you had to do was ask.
04:59I did, through Captain Peacock.
05:02You remember, I made the suggestion in the washroom, sir.
05:05Yes, well, I couldn't hear very well through the door.
05:09Anyway, you should know by now that I close my ears to suggestions in the washroom.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:17However, in view of the mix-up,
05:19young Mr. Grace has agreed that you may store your effects
05:22in Department 5B, which is on the top floor.
05:25It's vacant at the moment, pending refurbishment.
05:28Oh, thank you, Mr. Rumbold. I'm very grateful.
05:31Well, the contractors don't start work for a couple of weeks,
05:34so that should give you time to get yourself sorted out.
05:37Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Rumbold.
05:40You know, they were a large organisation.
05:42We top executives do have hearts.
05:45Oh, yes, I can see that.
05:47Well, I must tell the van driver where to deliver.
05:49May I use your phone?
05:51Certainly not. Use the call box by the lift.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:59Oh, Mr. Lucas, may I have that piece of chicken
06:02you've left on your plate for my pussy?
06:04Certainly.
06:06Not with your fingers, Mr. Lucas.
06:08She's very particular.
06:10Would your little companion like the head of my sardine?
06:13No, thank you.
06:15She has very few teeth left,
06:17and her poor gums can't crunch the skulls.
06:20That's why Mr. Goldberg didn't eat it.
06:24How long is it going to take you to get rid of these squashes?
06:27I don't know.
06:29Well, where are you going to sleep tonight?
06:31Well, I suppose I shall just have to go to a hotel.
06:34Unless, of course, one of my friends offers me accommodation.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:46Well, of course, I'd help anybody out if they were stuck.
06:51I'd like to ask you to my place, Mrs. Slocum.
06:54Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock, indeed.
06:57Unfortunately, my wife is away visiting her sister,
07:01so we'd be alone in the house and there might be a lot of talk.
07:04From all accounts, that's all there would be.
07:08Well, we have a spare room.
07:10Thank you, Mr. Goldberg.
07:13But unfortunately, last night the cold water tank sprang a leak,
07:18which brought down a ceiling all over the bed,
07:21taking with it the wiring which electrified the springs.
07:27You never mentioned that this morning.
07:29Well, it slipped my memory until this very minute.
07:33Unfortunately, we haven't got a spare bed,
07:35but if you're really desperate, Mrs. Slocum,
07:37you could always come and snuggle up with me.
07:39I don't think so, Mr. Lucas.
07:41If you're worried you couldn't control yourself,
07:43I could always put a bolster down the middle.
07:46I don't think my being homeless is a subject for joking.
07:49I quite agree, Mrs. Slocum.
07:51Oh, Mr. Humphreys, I knew that you'd be sympathetic.
07:56What a pity I've got those three Pakistani nuns staying.
08:01Not only have they got the spare room,
08:03but they're on the sofa as well.
08:05You didn't mention that this morning, Mr. Humphreys.
08:08No, I forgot it while you were forgetting your sailing.
08:11Which leaves you, Miss Browns.
08:13Oh, well, I don't think I ever mentioned it,
08:16but my brother's a rugby player.
08:18You never even mentioned you had a brother.
08:20Well, anyway, his team's got to set off early tomorrow
08:23for a big match, so they're staying the night at our place
08:26to be ready for the bus.
08:27You see, they usually go on the train,
08:29but with all the sudden strikes, they didn't want to take the risk.
08:32So, anyway, that means we've got big, hairy, beer-drinking men
08:36in every room.
08:37Oh, well, I've got the answer to that.
08:39Why don't you and Mrs. Slocum go and have Mr. Humphreys' bed
08:42and he can have yours?
08:44I can just picture it brought down by a flying tackle
08:47as I take my teddy to the bathroom.
08:49Excuse me, Mrs. Slocum,
08:50Excuse me, Mrs. Slocum,
08:51your goods and chattels have just arrived
08:53and it's on the way up on the goods lift.
08:55Our men have been working right through to lunchtime,
08:58so if you could see them right with money...
09:01Oh, yes, I'd better go and supervise.
09:05It's a terrible thing to have Akron at her time of life.
09:08I don't think you showed up very well as friends.
09:11I rather feel that mine was the only genuine excuse.
09:14What are you talking about?
09:15We really have got 15 rugby players staying the night.
09:18Mine was nearly true.
09:19I mean, there will be nuns by the time we get to the fancy dress party.
09:24What are you going as?
09:25Well, I'm not sure. I discussed it with them.
09:27I might go as the Pope,
09:29but I won't know for certain till I get to the end of our road
09:32and see whether there's black or white smoke coming out me chimney.
09:37Thank you, madam.
09:38If you want to change the garment, just bring it back with the receipt.
09:41Oh, well, thank you.
09:42DOORBELL RINGS
09:45Mrs Snowcombe, you've been about two hours.
09:47It really isn't good enough.
09:49Well, I have to sort me things out.
09:51Have you found anywhere to stay yet?
09:53No, but I've had a marvellous idea.
09:55There's plenty of room.
09:57I'm going to stay in me flat.
09:59You haven't got a flat.
10:01Oh, yes, I have. There's lots of room on that floor.
10:04So, instead of piling me things up,
10:06I've set them all out just like they were at home.
10:10There's everything up there.
10:11Water, gas, plugs.
10:13It's self-contained.
10:14Do you mean you're going to stay here in the store?
10:16Why not?
10:17What, do you think they'll let you?
10:19I'm going to ask Mr Grace personally.
10:21All you've got to do is flutter your eyelashes and cross your legs.
10:24And he's like Putty.
10:25Well, at his age, he's like Putty all the time.
10:28Still, if you're going to try fluttering your eyelashes,
10:31you'd better have these Cleopatra extra-long de-loops.
10:37What do you want?
10:38There's someone to see Mr Grace.
10:40Well, you can't disturb him now.
10:42I'm exhausted just trying to get him to sleep.
10:44But it's very important.
10:46Well, on your own head be it.
10:48But wake him gently.
10:52Good evening, Mr Grace.
10:54Where am I?
10:55I'm sorry to have to wake you.
10:57So, I hope it's important.
10:59I was in the middle of a very nice dream.
11:02You look very good in a girl guide's uniform.
11:05Oh, thank you, Mr Grace.
11:07Mrs Slocum would like a word with you now.
11:10Oh, very well. Tell her I'll give her a few moments.
11:17Oh, Mr Grace will see you now, Mrs Slocum.
11:20It's very good of you to see me, Mr Grace, when you're so busy.
11:24Not at all. Please sit down.
11:30Well, what can I do for you?
11:34Do you want a rise, I see?
11:37No, Mr Grace, you don't understand.
11:40It's not that what I came for.
11:42Good, because I wasn't going to give you one.
11:46No, I want permission to sleep on your premises.
11:50You're very determined about this rise, aren't you?
11:53Oh, very well.
11:55You can bring one small bag and your nightie
11:58and you'll have to go very early in the morning
12:01before the servants come.
12:04No, Mr Grace, you don't understand.
12:07You see...
12:16Come on, then, pet.
12:22There you are, little sweetheart.
12:25Isn't it nice to be back in your usual corner?
12:29Oh, Busy, it's lovely to be at home again.
12:34There you are. I've wired you up to the juice
12:37and I've connected the gas stove so you can boil a kettle.
12:40Oh, thank you, Mr Harmon.
12:42Well, I seem to have everything except a front door.
12:45Hang about. Warwick! Hello!
12:47Get down with that wall unit, will you?
12:49Have it over here.
12:51Leftover from Grace's brother's ideal home display.
12:54For me, can you manage?
12:56Or shall I fetch up to your bowl to give you a hand?
12:59You can manage, can you?
13:02Oh, isn't that lovely?
13:10Now I've got somewhere to put me doormat.
13:14And somewhere to put the cat out as well.
13:17How many pints of milk do you want in the morning?
13:19They don't deliver up here, do they?
13:21I'll fetch it up from the canteen for you.
13:23Oh, Mr Harmon, that is good of you.
13:25I'll be off, then.
13:26Well, I'll just see you out.
13:28Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
13:37Yes?
13:38I forgot to plug in the phone.
13:40Can you do that?
13:41Oh, yeah, yeah.
13:42I can give you an outside line or an internal one, see?
13:46It's a very nice place you've got here, isn't it?
13:48Oh, and it's ever so easy to run.
13:51Must be worth a bit being detached.
13:54Whoever can that be?
13:56I didn't give anybody my number.
13:59Mrs Slocum's residence.
14:01Arm and a butler here.
14:03Yes, Mr Rumboldt for you.
14:06Hello.
14:07Mrs Slocum, I'm quite aware that young Mr Grace gave you a tea break
14:11so that you could arrange your domestic affairs,
14:14but I have called a staff meeting here in my office.
14:17If you could be here, I'd appreciate it.
14:19Certainly, Mr Rumboldt.
14:21Oh, I'd better hurry. It sounds right ratty.
14:27Are we all assembled?
14:29Except Mrs Slocum, who's been absent for most of the day.
14:32Telltale tit.
14:35I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
14:39Was it necessary to wear your hat and coat to come down from the fifth floor?
14:44It's very chilly in the goods lift.
14:46I hope this isn't going to take long.
14:48I've left my front door on the latch.
14:50Yes, well, I'm sorry to have to tell you,
14:53but the train drivers are going out on strike
14:56and the bus drivers are probably going out in sympathy.
14:59Well, it's nice to know they've got sympathy for someone.
15:02Be that as it may, young Mr Grace has agreed to close the store early
15:05to enable you all to get home before everything shuts down.
15:08That's very generous of him, sir.
15:10May we thank him personally?
15:12I'm afraid he went home half an hour ago.
15:15Your taxi is here, Mr Rumboldt.
15:17Oh, thank you very much. Well, good luck, everybody.
15:21Mr Rumboldt, are you going my way?
15:24I'm sure you'd be the first to know if he was.
15:28He's coming up from the closest.
15:30And I've only got to go upstairs to my flat, put the kettle on
15:34and have a nice cup of tea and run to the fire with my pussy.
15:37Isn't it lucky that none of my friends
15:40had the problem of giving me accommodation?
15:48This year's fancies are passing fancies
15:53La dee da dum dee dee dee
15:57Please my heart understand
16:01La la la la
16:04La la la la
16:08I'm dreaming dreams...
16:10Oh!
16:18Oh!
16:26Ah!
16:28Come on, la dee da.
16:31Oh!
16:46DOORBELL RINGS
16:49LAUGHTER
17:02Who is it?
17:04It's me, Mr Humphrey.
17:06But I'm in my nightie.
17:08I can see that.
17:10LAUGHTER
17:12Oh, just a minute, then.
17:15I'm sorry to be so long,
17:17but you can't be too careful now.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:27Can I give you a hand?
17:29LAUGHTER
17:37Thanks.
17:38There's only a rattan coat up there.
17:40Oh, thank you very much.
17:44Now, then, would you like to come into the parlour?
17:47Oh, I say!
17:50Well, now, what brings you to these parts?
17:54Well, I got on the bus and we'd only gone about 200 yards
17:57and the conductor became very sympathetic
17:59and said to us, get off.
18:01So I thought, well, I'll just pop in and see Mrs Slocum
18:04before I start my long, long 15-mile lonely walk home.
18:10Well, I suppose you could always use my spare room.
18:13On the other hand, of course, there might be talk.
18:16I don't think so. Not in my case.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:20Go on, then. Put your feet up. I'll make you a nice cup of tea.
18:24Oh, do you know, that's just what I could do with.
18:27You're quite different, aren't you,
18:29when you're at home to when you're in the store?
18:31Behind your counter, you look so stern.
18:34Here at home, you're all feminine.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:40Well, I use less make-up at home.
18:43I wonder.
18:47Can I give you a hand?
18:49No, there's no need.
18:51Oh, I don't mind. I'd like to see your kitchen.
18:53Oh, well, come on, then.
18:55Oh, what a lovely view.
18:58Yes.
19:00I love the continent.
19:03It's very compact, isn't it?
19:05Well, there's only me,
19:07since Mr Slocum was taken.
19:10Was it very sudden?
19:12Oh, there was no warning at all.
19:14The fraud squad came at eight o'clock in the morning.
19:19Well, while the kettle's boiling, I'll just show you to your room.
19:22Do you mind leading the way? I've forgotten where the door is.
19:25This way.
19:27That's the guest toilet, only it's not connected up.
19:31Very cozy.
19:34Yes, I had a brush salesman staying here.
19:37He used to spend hours in there, planning his campaigns.
19:41It's got a history, then.
19:43Well, this is your little room.
19:46It has a half-queen-size bed.
19:49Better than no queen at all.
19:53Do you sleep as nature intended?
19:56Mrs Slocum, I've never done anything as nature intended.
20:01No, I mean, do you sleep in the altogether?
20:05Why do you ask?
20:10I've got some pyjamas here.
20:12Oh, you've entertained a gentleman visitor before.
20:15These belong to the brush salesman.
20:17Oh, yes, I can see that by the bristles.
20:20That's the jacket.
20:27He was a very big man.
20:29On top, yes.
20:35Look, it didn't have a right lock down below.
20:43Now, here's your tea's made,
20:47and there's a little telly in this cupboard.
20:49Oh, I'll just switch your blanket on.
20:52There, he'll take the chill off for you.
20:54Mrs Slocum, you certainly know how to look after a person.
20:57Well, it's nice to have somebody to care for.
21:00You seem to enjoy it.
21:02I bet your mother does too.
21:04She says it's time I left home.
21:06Well, just for tonight, you have.
21:09Yes, and the way the bosses are going, it might be a week.
21:12Oh, a whole week together.
21:15Come to think of it, it might not be a bad thing.
21:20Do you know, I was clearing out our attic at home the other day,
21:24and I found this old calendar called the Week of Love.
21:27It said Monday for meeting, Tuesday for talking,
21:32Wednesday for wishing, Thursday for touching,
21:36Friday, for some reason, had been torn out.
21:43Mr Humphreys, I want you to put yourself completely in my hands.
21:49Mrs Slocum, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking,
21:52it's not going to be easy for me.
21:55Just pretend you're on a camping holiday with a friend.
21:59That wasn't the best suggestion you could make.
22:05Here we are.
22:07Oh, this is nice. What a lovely bedspread.
22:10Those bristles get everywhere.
22:13Now, just try that bed. It's ever so comfy.
22:17Oh, yes, it's got a lot of life in it.
22:20There's a lot of life in me as well.
22:25Me mother. Oh, God!
22:38Don't worry. Whoever it is, I'll get rid of him.
22:41Oh, it's all right. I haven't read this one.
22:44Who is it? Captain Peacock.
22:47Well, I'm in my night attire.
22:49You'll have to wait a minute until I find me dressing gown.
22:52Is it a checked one? Yes.
22:54It's hanging on the hat stand.
23:07I'm sorry to disturb you,
23:09but the strike has hit the underground and all the buses have stopped.
23:13Aren't you afraid there might be talk?
23:16As long as that's all there is.
23:18Oh, come in. Why have you fainted?
23:21I thought rather than prowl the streets looking for a hotel,
23:24I'd borrow your sofa.
23:26Oh, you've pipped me to the post.
23:29You're going to have the spare room. It's down there.
23:33You're very hospitable, Mrs Lockwood.
23:36Oh, it looks rather cosy.
23:38I thought you were going to give me the spare room.
23:41You've forgotten, Mr Humphreys,
23:43your accommodation has been taken care of.
23:47Yes, but Captain Peacock might see.
23:50Not when the lights are out, he won't.
23:55This will do nicely. I've had a sandwich,
23:57so you needn't bother about supper.
23:59I wasn't going to.
24:01Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll turn in.
24:04Oh, well, hurry up then. The sooner the better.
24:06Sleep well.
24:14All right, I'm coming, I'm coming.
24:16Who is it?
24:18It's me, Lucas.
24:21Honestly, it's like running a ruddy hotel.
24:24Oh, come on in then.
24:26Where have you gone?
24:31I'm here. Where are you?
24:33I'm out here.
24:35And hurry up, I'm in my night attire.
24:38I can't work the lock.
24:40Who is it?
24:43Come in, wipe your feet.
24:47I know, you can't get home and you want to spend the night.
24:50Well, fate does seem to have thrown us together, Mrs Slocum.
24:53Oh, no, it hasn't.
24:55You can sleep in the spare room with Captain Peacock.
24:58It's all right, I'll sleep on the sofa.
25:01On second thoughts, I'll sleep with Captain Peacock.
25:06Listen, I haven't eaten all day.
25:08An egg is out of the question.
25:10How did you guess?
25:12I thought it might have been. I'll just lie down and have a quiet rumble.
25:38Oops.
25:54Mr Humphreys?
25:56Lucas!
25:57Thank him for that.
26:00Nothing.
26:02As soon as they drop off, you can creep into my room.
26:10Come in, it's open.
26:16We couldn't get home.
26:18We wondered if you could give us shelter for tonight.
26:21Come in and wipe your feet.
26:23I don't know where you're going to sleep.
26:27I mean, Captain Peacock and Mr Lucas are in the spare room
26:30and Mr Humphreys is on the sofa.
26:32I'll go with Peacock.
26:37Lucas, you're sleeping on the floor.
26:42It's marvellous, isn't it?
26:44I'll sleep in the bath.
26:46After 25 years of marriage, one gets the knack, you know?
26:51Now, see, if we put these two chairs together,
26:54Mr Lucas can sleep across them.
26:56No, he can't.
26:58I mean, if he does that, he'll see that you're not on the sofa.
27:02But I am on the sofa.
27:04Yes, but you won't be when everybody's gone to sleep.
27:08We might arouse somebody's suspicion.
27:11At this rate, we'll be lucky if we arouse anything.
27:15Who can this be?
27:17With any luck, it'll be the brush salesman.
27:24Don't tell me you can't get home and you've come to spend the night.
27:28I don't want to put you out.
27:30Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you out
27:33because I've got all the rest in here and there's no more room.
27:36I don't mind sharing your bed.
27:38Well, it doesn't happen to be convenient.
27:41Oh, well, it wasn't inconvenient when you got stuck at my place
27:44and had to share mine.
27:46Well... I'm not going out on them streets again.
27:48I've had four proposals between here and the bus stop
27:51and they wasn't marriage.
27:54Go on and get in.
28:02I've got to share with Miss Browns.
28:05Oh, I see.
28:07Are you disappointed or relieved?
28:09I'm neither one way or the other.
28:13I'm afraid that's the way you're still going to be in the morning.
28:18Oh, well, good night, chicken.
28:25I hope you don't snore.
28:31Miss Browns!
28:34Meow!
28:37Mr Humphreys, leave my pussy alone!
29:03Oh!
29:33APPLAUSE