Disappointed that all his friends are married and happy, Ricky goes on the dating site and soon starts dating Danita HD ( Comedy, Crime, Romance )
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I'm gonna wrap my world around you
00:00:03Never, ever, ever
00:00:06Never let you go
00:00:15Jorge, Jorge, we've been over this before. You can't smoke in Debbie's.
00:00:19Nah, man, I think you can.
00:00:21I'm the manager here. I'm fairly well versed in the rules.
00:00:25Come on, buddy, put it out.
00:00:27Don't you ever bend the rules?
00:00:29No.
00:00:31Corporate puppet.
00:00:38How's your food?
00:00:54Saturday night, we're gonna do it.
00:00:57We are gonna do it.
00:01:00Getting paid and laid tonight, baby.
00:01:02Paid and laid.
00:01:04I don't even know what that means.
00:01:06It means what we want it to mean.
00:01:08Okay?
00:01:09It means what we want it to mean.
00:01:14You dig?
00:01:15Uh, no, I don't dig.
00:01:17Ricky, what is with you?
00:01:18Come on, quit being such a buzzkill.
00:01:20Now grab your cock, put on some socks,
00:01:22and do this town up and do it right, senorita.
00:01:32Paid and laid.
00:01:33We're doing it.
00:01:34How exactly are we doing it?
00:01:36Oh, I don't know.
00:01:37Numero uno, hog.
00:01:38Got you out of the house, so where's that?
00:01:40W's a W.
00:01:41I'm back where I work.
00:01:42It's a lateral move at best.
00:01:44All right, well, look, that's just round one of the festivities.
00:01:46You're not gonna believe round two.
00:01:48Ricky, Ricky, Ricky.
00:01:50You're not gonna believe round two.
00:01:52Please stop repeating things.
00:01:54Please.
00:02:00So, when do you go into production?
00:02:05Really, really not in the mood.
00:02:06Nope.
00:02:11When do you go into production?
00:02:16Next month.
00:02:17Great.
00:02:18When do you go into production on your motion picture next month?
00:02:21Is it fully cast yet?
00:02:23No, no, it is not fully cast yet.
00:02:26We're still looking for our two lead actresses.
00:02:30Wow.
00:02:31Well, just fantastic.
00:02:32That's just super.
00:02:34That's just deluxe.
00:02:35Now, do they have to be well-known or...
00:02:39Do they have to be...
00:02:42Do they have to be well-known, these actresses?
00:02:45No, no.
00:02:46We're actually looking for two total newcomers.
00:02:49This makes me happy as the film's director
00:02:51because I like working with fresh faces, so...
00:02:54Me too.
00:02:55As the movie's executive producer...
00:02:58Hey, man.
00:03:00I can't work Saturday.
00:03:02Can I get a double next week?
00:03:04Oh, sure.
00:03:08You know what?
00:03:09These broken-down fillies are just gonna get in the way
00:03:11of round two anyhow.
00:03:13Round two, baby.
00:03:14Round two.
00:03:17Nom, nom.
00:03:19Doing it long, doing it strong.
00:03:22Maybe we should just shoot each other.
00:03:25Hey, you seem a bit down, man.
00:03:27What up, Hog?
00:03:28It's Saturday night, and I'm with you.
00:03:33Not for long, baby.
00:03:34Not for long.
00:03:37So when are you going to production?
00:03:39Gary Kless is getting married.
00:03:40I just got the invitation.
00:03:41Yeah, me too. Who cares?
00:03:42Oh, what's that?
00:03:43The actresses don't need to be fresh faces?
00:03:45That leaves just you and me, just you and me.
00:03:48We are the only two freaks from high school
00:03:50to never be married.
00:03:52Can I ask you a question?
00:03:53How the hell do you even know that?
00:03:54I keep track on Facebook and Twitter.
00:03:56God, Gary is so lucky, man.
00:03:59Oh, that's weird.
00:04:00You know, I thought that you get your period
00:04:02at the end of the month.
00:04:04Men shouldn't be jealous of other men getting married.
00:04:06Men should be jealous of us.
00:04:08Oh, I strongly disagree.
00:04:10Jesus, is this why you've been Captain Negativo all night?
00:04:12Because that fat bastard Gary Kless is getting married?
00:04:14There was this guy on Dr. Phil who said that
00:04:16it's as likely for a woman over 40 to be hit by lightning
00:04:20or killed by a terrorist than meet a husband.
00:04:23What if the same thing goes for men?
00:04:25What if Gary just got lucky and he made a pact with God
00:04:28and or Satan?
00:04:30You watch Dr. Phil?
00:04:31I can't go to another one of these weddings alone.
00:04:34It's just too depressing.
00:04:36You're not going to be going alone, okay, man?
00:04:37You're going to be going with me.
00:04:38That's not comforting.
00:04:40What is wrong with you?
00:04:41Haven't you seen Wedding Crashers?
00:04:43Come on, all those losers in our class are married up.
00:04:45We're going to be cleaning up bigger than Owen Wilson
00:04:47and Vinnie Vaughn!
00:04:49♪♪
00:04:52Hot Philly, 3 o'clock.
00:04:55I forgot my compass.
00:04:58She's right over there.
00:04:59Look, over there.
00:05:01Okay, that girl has 17 tops.
00:05:04So what? It means she's single.
00:05:06You'd have sex with an underage girl?
00:05:08I'm not a monster, no.
00:05:11I'd take her out for cookies and milkshakes
00:05:12until the day she turned 18 and then fly her.
00:05:15Sorry I misjudged you.
00:05:22I should have proposed to Roz when we were together.
00:05:24You dated her in high school.
00:05:26I had no idea there were so few good ones after that.
00:05:28Nobody tells you that.
00:05:29It's like in hockey, you know,
00:05:31when your team makes it to the finals and loses,
00:05:32everybody says, hey, you know, don't worry,
00:05:34we'll get them next year.
00:05:35You know, what if there is no next year?
00:05:37What if there's no other Roz
00:05:39and you never make it to the Stanley Cup finals of love
00:05:41ever again?
00:05:42Okay, if you hadn't have mentioned hockey there,
00:05:44that would have been the gayest thing I've ever heard.
00:05:46Come on, man.
00:05:47Get your game face on, D.O.G.
00:05:49We got a wedding to crash.
00:05:51First of all, we were invited.
00:05:53Second of all, all of our friends are married.
00:05:55There are no single women.
00:05:56What about the...
00:05:57She's 17.
00:05:58We don't know that for a fact.
00:05:59Gee, would you...
00:06:00Okay, you know what?
00:06:02I'm going in, okay?
00:06:04I'm going in.
00:06:10Please, God, help me find my soulmate
00:06:13before I'm hit by lightning or killed by a terrorist.
00:06:17♪ Love is here to stay
00:06:20♪ Secrets that never left my lips
00:06:24♪ And the magic...
00:06:28Oh, hey. Kings one.
00:06:57Attaboy Kopitar.
00:07:00Oh, three goals and two assists. You're on fire.
00:07:06NHL.com has pop-up ads for eHappily?
00:07:10What the hell? They never had before.
00:07:27You have no responses.
00:07:45Yeah.
00:07:47Hey, man.
00:07:49Hey, Jorge. I was just checking the hockey scores. What's up?
00:07:52I'm gonna need the next Saturday off, too. I'm getting married.
00:07:55What?
00:07:57Yeah, I know. My mother, she's been on my case. You're 27, you bum. What are you waiting for?
00:08:0227 really isn't that old.
00:08:04So, gonna have Saturday off or what?
00:08:06No.
00:08:07What?
00:08:09Oh, I'm sorry. I meant yes, of course. Of course.
00:08:13Jorge, where did you meet her?
00:08:17Who?
00:08:18Your bride. Where did you meet her?
00:08:20eHappily, man. It's surprisingly effective.
00:08:25You have one response.
00:08:39You found your wife?
00:08:41Yep. Last night.
00:08:43You went cruising without me?
00:08:45Um, we've never cruised, and I didn't have to go anywhere. Found her on my computer.
00:08:50Oh, what porn site?
00:08:51It wasn't a porn site. eHappily. I joined last week.
00:08:55What do you mean you joined it?
00:08:57I don't think I was being cryptic. I joined eHappily last week to meet my soulmate, and it worked.
00:09:04Poor, sweet, crazy bastard, you.
00:09:07I have never been more sane. This woman is perfect for me. Perfect.
00:09:11Oh, she loves all the same things I do. Hockey, cats, Albert Brooks movies, spooning after sex.
00:09:17All right, whatever. What does she look like?
00:09:18I don't know.
00:09:20Oh, and you should see the emails that she wrote to me. A funny, smart, sweet...
00:09:23Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Just back up. Hold the phone. What do you mean you don't know what she looks like?
00:09:27She didn't post a picture for some reason.
00:09:29Oh, that's a real puzzler. It's because she's a dude. She's a dude, Ricky.
00:09:33No.
00:09:34Or she looks like a dude.
00:09:35No.
00:09:36Listen, Hoggy Dog, there's only one reason that a woman wouldn't post a picture. It's because, God bless her, she's obviously hideous.
00:09:40No, there's a million reasons that she might not post a picture.
00:09:42No, no.
00:09:43There's one. One. She looks like Shrek.
00:09:45Oh, you know what?
00:09:46And so what if she does?
00:09:48That's what's inside that counts.
00:09:49You're in fairy tales, you idiot. Not real life.
00:09:52Her name's Danita.
00:09:54Oh, what a beautiful name. I've never heard that name before. Danita.
00:09:58Sure it isn't Dan?
00:10:00Eda? Like that's your last name? Like Dan, Eda?
00:10:03Can't you just be happy for me?
00:10:04All right, come on. Look, you've never even met this person.
00:10:06I am. Tomorrow night. I'm meeting her at the Black Cat for drinks.
00:10:09Look, don't do this, okay? Please, Ricky, don't do this.
00:10:11I have to, Seth. Danita's my destiny.
00:10:16Okay.
00:10:19Might want to bring a condom for Dan, just in case.
00:10:22Shut up.
00:10:36What the hell is that in your head?
00:10:38What are you doing here?
00:10:40I'm here for backup, dog. You know, in case this dude tries to rob you.
00:10:42Will you please stop calling her a dude?
00:10:43Why are you wearing shoe polish on your head? Bald is beautiful, baby.
00:10:46It's not shoe polish. And bald is beautiful, not balding.
00:10:50True that. True that. Okay.
00:10:52I'll be here at the bar. Now, if she turns out...
00:10:54You see, I said she this time.
00:10:56If she turns out to be a psycho, just wave or cough or something like that.
00:10:59And I'll stroll by and I'll say that your mother died,
00:11:02and you're needed at the cemetery, okay?
00:11:04I'm going to go to the table. Please leave.
00:11:06Please.
00:11:08Ricky, Ricky, you're my primo amigo.
00:11:10Come on, Ricky, you've never met this woman before.
00:11:11I just want to be here to make sure everything goes okay.
00:11:13Thanks, man.
00:11:16Ricky, Ricky?
00:11:20You didn't say that I'm your primo amigo.
00:11:23I just said that you're my primo...
00:11:27Good luck, bitch.
00:11:41Come on.
00:12:05Ricky?
00:12:07Ricky Miller?
00:12:09How do you know my name?
00:12:11And Danita, your date?
00:12:13Holy shit!
00:12:17Of course. Of course you're my date.
00:12:19Yeah.
00:12:21Unless you're expecting somebody else and you're already cheating on me, you bastard.
00:12:25No, no, I would never do that.
00:12:27Okay.
00:12:29Sorry I called you a bastard.
00:12:31It's okay.
00:12:36You look a bit different than your picture.
00:12:38Actually, better.
00:12:41You too. Much better.
00:12:43Since you didn't have one.
00:12:46I really look better than my picture?
00:12:48Yeah.
00:12:49I knew it was a good idea to use a picture of Steve Buscemi.
00:12:53He's an offbeat looking actor.
00:12:55Oh no, I know who he is.
00:12:56He was in Fargo. He was Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dog.
00:13:02That was funny, Ricky. Steve Buscemi.
00:13:09So, are you going to ask me to sit down?
00:13:12No, no. Keep standing. This seems to be working for me.
00:13:19I can't believe one of your cats is named Sidney Crosby.
00:13:22I told you I love hockey. Feel of hockey and ice.
00:13:25Am I dreaming this?
00:13:27I hope not.
00:13:28Because then we'd both be dreaming and that would be like that movie Inception and I walked out of that.
00:13:33I hated that movie too.
00:13:35Really? Wow. I thought I was the only one.
00:13:37No, no. I hated it too.
00:13:40I hated it.
00:13:42God, you know, everything tonight has been so perfect.
00:13:45Could you jab me in the eye with your spoon or set my arm on fire?
00:13:49I just want to make sure that this is really happening.
00:13:53How about I do this?
00:13:56Holy shit!
00:14:00Um, could you excuse me for a second?
00:14:02I'm just going to slip into something more comfortable.
00:14:08Okay.
00:14:14Go home.
00:14:15She is like uber movie star hot. Is she crazy or just retarded?
00:14:19Neither. She just likes me.
00:14:21No, no, no. There has to be a reason.
00:14:23Are you positive she can see out of both eyes?
00:14:27Okay, I am begging you. Go home. You're ruining this.
00:14:30Okay, okay. Just do me one favor.
00:14:32If she's retarded, can you see if she has any other retarded friends who look like her?
00:14:36Stop saying retarded. It's actually offensive.
00:14:38What, are we having Oprah here?
00:14:39Goodbye. Good night. Good night.
00:14:41It's very vexing, dog.
00:14:43There's got to be a reason.
00:14:45There's a reason.
00:14:48I thought you were going to slip into something more comfortable.
00:14:52Yeah, yeah, but I looked in the mirror and decided I was the bomb.
00:14:57Also, off the hook, as the kids say.
00:15:02Do kids still say that?
00:15:03Yeah. Kids over 39, yeah.
00:15:07You're funny.
00:15:08Funny how? Like, what do you mean funny? Like, funny like a clown?
00:15:13Sorry. Oh, my God.
00:15:15Sorry, I'm just, I'm trying too hard. I'm nervous.
00:15:19You're nervous with me?
00:15:22Are you retarded?
00:15:26I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just that, I mean, you're gorgeous and amazing.
00:15:31Why the hell are you here?
00:15:33Excuse me?
00:15:35Why would you choose someone like me?
00:15:38I was just blown away by your e-apply profile.
00:15:42But I used my real picture and I wrote down my real job.
00:15:45Can we just go back to your place now?
00:15:48Yeah. Okay. Good idea. Thanks.
00:15:55Oh, that was amazing.
00:15:57Oh, that was amazing.
00:15:59Never seen a man weep and climax at the same time before.
00:16:05Thank you.
00:16:07It's just, I've been waiting my whole life for somebody like you.
00:16:12Well, exactly like you.
00:16:15Right.
00:16:16No, I'm serious.
00:16:17You're smart and you're sweet and your Maxim cover beautiful and it's like you don't even know it.
00:16:23You love hockey and cats and Albert Brooks and you get my jokes about obscure, homely actors.
00:16:31You're amazing, Danita. You're beyond amazing. You're amazing-tastic.
00:16:37Well, you're not too bad yourself.
00:16:43You asked me before why I chose you. Do you still want to know?
00:16:46I'm not sure.
00:16:48You're the only one who said yes to a date.
00:16:52Yeah, right.
00:16:53Yeah, and post a picture, remember?
00:16:56You're the only one who wanted to go out with me even though you didn't know what I looked like.
00:17:01Wow, so all those sitcoms and beer commercials are wrong? It does pay to have depth?
00:17:09Holy shitballs, I have to go.
00:17:11Holy shitballs, I like that.
00:17:15I would love to see you again.
00:17:19I hope you want to see me again, too.
00:17:21Yeah, I think I'm leaning towards that, yeah.
00:17:24Sorry, I have to go.
00:17:26Say hi to your cats when they wake up.
00:17:29I'll say hi to yours.
00:17:31And put on ESPN and text me when you know the hockey scores.
00:17:33You're incredible.
00:17:45Hi.
00:17:59Do you have Alzheimer's?
00:18:01I have love-heimers.
00:18:05I love you.
00:18:13Why can't you single knock like a normal person?
00:18:16Hey.
00:18:18You haven't returned any of my calls or texts all day. What the heck happened?
00:18:21With what?
00:18:22Now don't you be coy.
00:18:24Come on, I need details, dog. Don't make me beg.
00:18:27Look, I never thought I'd be living vicariously through you.
00:18:29Last night was unbelievable.
00:18:31No, no, it was better than that.
00:18:32We stayed in bed and talked all night.
00:18:34It was just like Dylan and Ashley.
00:18:35Who the fuck are Dylan... Wait, hold on a second.
00:18:40You slept with that piece of lady? You slept with her?
00:18:43Yes, and it was great.
00:18:46And I'm not even talking about the sex, although, holy crap, that was good.
00:18:49Okay, okay.
00:18:51What the hell is going on?
00:18:54What the hell is going... What's going on?
00:18:57She's like a ten, right?
00:18:59I don't assign women numbers.
00:19:01No, she's a ten. That girl is a ten.
00:19:04No offense, Ricky, you're like a four.
00:19:06And if you're a four, she's like a twenty.
00:19:09It's because I went out with her without knowing what she looked like.
00:19:12And because she thought the profile I wrote was sweet and real.
00:19:18You're so naive, it's adorable.
00:19:21I'm sorry I couldn't meet you for dinner.
00:19:23Oh, no, no, lunch is fine.
00:19:25I look better around noon anyway.
00:19:27I'm not even joking about that, actually.
00:19:29It is just that nights aren't always great when I paint.
00:19:33Oh, yeah, yeah, that is so cool.
00:19:35You know, I've never actually dated an artist.
00:19:38There are actually a lot of professions of which I have not dated a woman.
00:19:43Did I just say that?
00:19:47Hey, ask first.
00:19:49I'm not a piece of meat.
00:19:50Yes, you are.
00:19:53You know, I really do think that it's great that you're an artist.
00:19:56What is that like?
00:19:58I prefer to talk about your job.
00:20:00Why?
00:20:01I'm sure it's interesting.
00:20:03You know, you manage a staff and you have a lot of experience.
00:20:08And I think it's great that you're an artist.
00:20:10And I think it's great that you're an artist.
00:20:12And I think it's great that you're an artist.
00:20:14You manage a staff and you try to make customers happy.
00:20:18No, it actually isn't at all.
00:20:20You're going to have to trust me on that.
00:20:22Then why do you do it?
00:20:23Well, I guess I prefer it to being homeless.
00:20:26Okay, I started out as a waiter thinking I'd be an artist, well, a writer.
00:20:32But, you know, that didn't work out.
00:20:34Why not?
00:20:36Well, you know, the book industry is just so corrupt.
00:20:41It's all who you know.
00:20:43I've never heard that before.
00:20:46Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:20:47It's like every son or daughter of a famous author has a book deal.
00:20:52Like who?
00:20:55Um, there's Mark Hemingway.
00:21:02And there's Kevin Frisham.
00:21:09Yeah, yeah, I made those up.
00:21:11I'm sorry.
00:21:12Okay, the truth is that I only wrote one book and I didn't even finish it.
00:21:17You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to.
00:21:19Thank you so much.
00:21:24You know, actually, I do feel comfortable talking to you about my writing, or non-writing.
00:21:33I feel like I could tell you anything.
00:21:38God, sorry.
00:21:39That's a stupid thing to say on a second date.
00:21:41No, no, no, I thought it was sweet.
00:21:43A little pathetic, but sweet.
00:21:45No, seriously, I loved it.
00:21:49See?
00:21:51You really are the perfect woman.
00:21:53Well, I don't know about that.
00:21:55Yeah, you are.
00:21:56You are.
00:21:57Trust me.
00:22:00I love you.
00:22:26Hey!
00:22:27Tonight, we're gonna do it.
00:22:29We're gonna do it.
00:22:31Come on, time to get paid and laid, Ricky.
00:22:34Paid and...
00:22:36Come on, Hog, it's been almost nine days.
00:22:38I can't believe you're not over this chick yet.
00:22:40Ten days.
00:22:41It's been ten days.
00:22:43And stop saying paid and laid.
00:22:46It doesn't mean anything.
00:22:49Yes, it does.
00:22:50No, no, no.
00:22:51No, it doesn't matter.
00:22:52Some of you are gonna pay us for sex, huh?
00:22:54Huh?
00:22:55What the fuck does it mean, cowboy?
00:22:59I don't know.
00:23:00It's just something I say to keep things light and airy.
00:23:04Did you just call me cowboy, Ricky?
00:23:06Are you...
00:23:07Ricky, are you drunk?
00:23:08Yes, I believe so.
00:23:09Hey, you don't drink.
00:23:10I do now, Hog.
00:23:11I do now.
00:23:13I still don't know what the hell happened.
00:23:16I was...
00:23:17The perfect woman pops into my life.
00:23:20I tell her she's perfect.
00:23:22And she runs away faster than, um...
00:23:26Who's a faster woman?
00:23:28Flo-Jo.
00:23:30Oh, shit, she's dead, isn't she?
00:23:32I'm gonna make you some coffee, man.
00:23:34No, I don't want coffee.
00:23:35I want Tanita.
00:23:37I finally met a woman who makes me feel
00:23:39that magical thing that assholes brag about at parties.
00:23:46Please, God, don't take her away from me.
00:23:50Not after I've waited for so long.
00:23:52You got a coffee, Swiss Miss?
00:24:03It's Tanita.
00:24:04What?
00:24:05It's Tanita.
00:24:11That's twice God.
00:24:14Shit, you're good.
00:24:18Hey.
00:24:21Hi.
00:24:24You're not gonna run out again, are you?
00:24:26Because this time I'll just order an appetizer.
00:24:29I'm so sorry.
00:24:30Oh, no, no, it's okay.
00:24:31I was just trying to diffuse an awkward moment.
00:24:37Now I'm gonna try to diffuse this one.
00:24:40I like you, Ricky.
00:24:41I really like you.
00:24:42I really, really, really like you.
00:24:44That is the most reallys I've ever said in one sentence.
00:24:47Really?
00:24:48Me too.
00:24:49It's funny because I always hated those movies
00:24:51where the couple falls in love right away.
00:24:54But now I know that it just pissed me off
00:24:56because it never happened to me.
00:24:58I'm married.
00:25:02I said I was perfect, Ricky.
00:25:04I'm not perfect.
00:25:05I'm a jerk.
00:25:07Yeah, but...
00:25:08No, I know I was wrong.
00:25:09I know.
00:25:10Look, I've been married nine years,
00:25:12nine miserable years,
00:25:13and just one day I was at my friend Anna's place.
00:25:16She's on E! Happily,
00:25:18and I saw your profile,
00:25:19and it was so vulnerable,
00:25:21so wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve sweet.
00:25:23You said you'd been waiting all your life
00:25:26to meet your heartener,
00:25:27and what a sweet word.
00:25:29That even though you were born agnostic,
00:25:31you pray to God that she was still out there.
00:25:34Wow.
00:25:36You really did read my profile.
00:25:38It got to me.
00:25:40And I thought, you know,
00:25:42maybe I don't have to be miserable,
00:25:44and I just joined so I could meet you.
00:25:50I just pretended to be single and an artist.
00:25:54I just pretended to be the person I used to be
00:25:57back when I was still alive, and...
00:26:04Do you really have cats?
00:26:06Yes, two.
00:26:09Sidney Crosby and Chairman Meow.
00:26:12Cool, that's all I cared about.
00:26:13Now can you just get a divorce
00:26:14and marry me by 6 tonight?
00:26:16You're great.
00:26:17You're so great, you know that?
00:26:19I can never see you again, Ricky.
00:26:24Look, you don't know my husband.
00:26:25He'll just, he'll never allow me to leave him,
00:26:28never allow a great man like him to be embarrassed.
00:26:32Who cares if his precious ego is bruised?
00:26:34You are miserable, and we should be together.
00:26:37He'd kill me.
00:26:40He would kill me.
00:26:42He said that again and again.
00:26:43If you ever walk out that door, you ungrateful bitch,
00:26:46I will kill you.
00:26:48Only he didn't say it quite as nice.
00:26:51Jesus.
00:26:52Yeah, he's a bad guy, Ricky.
00:26:53He's a bad guy.
00:26:54I didn't know that when I met him, but God.
00:26:58He'd kill both of us right now if he saw us together.
00:27:03That's interesting.
00:27:05I'm sorry.
00:27:07I'm sorry, Ricky.
00:27:09You're the one, and I can never see you again.
00:27:30My hickory grilled chicken sandwich isn't hickory enough.
00:27:35Huh?
00:27:36Am I not speaking English?
00:27:38I said it like hickory.
00:27:40Well, that's life.
00:27:43What?
00:27:45I'm sorry, sir.
00:27:48You wanted more of something.
00:27:51You're disappointed.
00:27:53Hurts, doesn't it?
00:27:55That's a little melodramatic.
00:27:59Hello?
00:28:01Holy shitballs.
00:28:05Yes, yeah, yeah.
00:28:07I will meet you anywhere.
00:28:10Where?
00:28:25God, is it good to see you?
00:28:28I wanted to meet you here.
00:28:30This is my happy place.
00:28:34I knew you'd love it, too.
00:28:37They, um, they show movies up on that wall
00:28:41over the graves of dead movie stars.
00:28:44They don't mind?
00:28:45No one said anything.
00:28:48Guess what movie they're playing tonight, Ricky.
00:28:52Um, I...
00:28:53Guess.
00:28:54Uh...
00:28:56Cool Runnings?
00:28:59I'm really bad at guessing.
00:29:03Lost in America.
00:29:05That's my favorite movie!
00:29:08OMG, you read my whole profile.
00:29:16Tonight was great.
00:29:18I was so happy you called.
00:29:20Beyond happy, I'm exultant.
00:29:23I don't think I've ever used that word before.
00:29:26I couldn't stop thinking about you.
00:29:29I can't go back to my own life now.
00:29:31I don't deserve to be happy.
00:29:34I deserve someone like you.
00:29:36Damn right you do.
00:29:37So when are you gonna tell your husband
00:29:39you're gonna leave him?
00:29:40Christ, how are you gonna tell him you're gonna leave him?
00:29:42I'm not gonna tell him.
00:29:45We have to kill him, Ricky.
00:29:49That's the only way we can ever be together.
00:29:54Yeah, okay.
00:30:02Donita wants me to kill her husband.
00:30:03Pardon?
00:30:04She said that if she ever tried to leave him,
00:30:06he would find her and kill her.
00:30:08Wow, what an asshole.
00:30:12Well, at least you got a chance to say goodbye to her, huh?
00:30:14No, no, I'm gonna do it.
00:30:15Do what?
00:30:16Kill her husband.
00:30:23Uh, Ricky.
00:30:27You've never even killed a spider.
00:30:29I don't have to be violent.
00:30:30You know, I could kill him with pills
00:30:31or a lethal injection or something.
00:30:33Lethal injection?
00:30:34And you have access to lethal injection?
00:30:36You know, I'm sorry.
00:30:37I can't even believe we're having this discussion right now.
00:30:39Hey, O.J., how about this?
00:30:40Have you thought about this?
00:30:42What if you get caught?
00:30:43So what?
00:30:44So what?
00:30:45So what?
00:30:46I'm lonely and I work at a place called Debbie's.
00:30:48What exactly am I clinging on to here?
00:30:51Ricky, sit down.
00:30:52Have a seat.
00:30:55I want you to take six deep breaths in and out
00:30:58and go to the bathroom and take a leak.
00:30:59What will that do?
00:31:00I don't know, but you're talking crazy right now.
00:31:02I'm not.
00:31:03I've never met anyone like Tanita
00:31:04and I'll never meet anyone like Tanita again.
00:31:06To think anything else would be crazy.
00:31:08Ricky, Ricky, she's married
00:31:10and she wants you to kill her husband.
00:31:12I know, but everything else is perfect.
00:31:15Look, when you meet your soulmate and you're in your 40s,
00:31:18not everything's gonna be ideal.
00:31:20There's always gonna be baggage.
00:31:21This is more than baggage, all right?
00:31:23Sorry, I made my mind up.
00:31:25I'm gonna kill this mofo.
00:31:26Ricky, look, I want you to do me a favor, okay?
00:31:28I want you to go home and sleep on it, okay?
00:31:29Just sleep on it.
00:31:30We'll talk about it tomorrow night over donuts.
00:31:32There's nothing to sleep on.
00:31:33Besides, I'm not gonna let that angel
00:31:35be held prisoner in that monster's home anymore.
00:31:37I'm gonna do it, with or without your help.
00:31:40My help?
00:31:41What the hell is that supposed to mean?
00:31:42What do you mean by that, my help?
00:31:43Well, I just figured you'd help me since, you know,
00:31:47you're my primo amigo, too.
00:31:51Okay, dog, I'm in, but you're gonna owe me big.
00:31:56Thanks for opening up my world to me.
00:31:58I've never been to a juice bar before.
00:32:00You sure it was okay to leave work?
00:32:02I'm a manager.
00:32:03I have a lot of clout,
00:32:04but I try not to let it go to my head.
00:32:06I thought we should talk now.
00:32:08I'm at work, and...
00:32:09And?
00:32:10My husband.
00:32:11Oh.
00:32:12I'm sorry.
00:32:13I'm sorry.
00:32:14I'm sorry.
00:32:15I'm sorry.
00:32:16I'm sorry.
00:32:17I'm sorry.
00:32:18I'm sorry.
00:32:19Oh.
00:32:20You never actually said his name before.
00:32:25You okay?
00:32:26Yeah, yeah, of course.
00:32:28You don't have to do this.
00:32:30No, no, it's just,
00:32:31it was easier when he didn't have a name.
00:32:33It was just, you know,
00:32:34evil husband who will kill me if I ever leave.
00:32:36I don't want you to do this.
00:32:37I can't believe I even asked you to do this.
00:32:39I just, I needed to get away from him and be with you.
00:32:41No, it's okay, sweetheart.
00:32:42No, please, don't be upset.
00:32:44I still want to kill him.
00:32:45Really?
00:32:46Yes, very much.
00:32:48Oh, I love you.
00:32:49I love you more.
00:32:50I love you more.
00:32:52I love you more.
00:32:53Plus six.
00:33:08You knocked like a human being.
00:33:09Is anything wrong?
00:33:10There's something you need to see, man.
00:33:13Something you need to see right now.
00:33:16What's that?
00:33:17It's an old movie with William Hurt and Kathleen Turner.
00:33:20You know,
00:33:22back when she used to look like a chick.
00:33:24Yeah, I know.
00:33:25It's Body Heat.
00:33:26Body Heat.
00:33:27Yeah, I saw that movie with you, remember?
00:33:30When the other of us could get dates.
00:33:32It's time to watch it again, baby.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:48Wow, that really holds up.
00:33:51You know, lots of twists, and it's compelling,
00:33:54it's well-written.
00:33:55Okay, thank you, Rex Reed.
00:33:58She pretended to fall in love with a guy
00:34:00so he would kill her husband,
00:34:02who she said was a bad guy,
00:34:04but I actually thought was quite nice,
00:34:05as played by Richard Crenna,
00:34:06and then she set him up for the murder.
00:34:08Look, I trust Anita, okay?
00:34:10William Hurt trusted Kathleen Turner!
00:34:13William Hurt trusted Kathleen Turner!
00:34:15Well, he shouldn't have.
00:34:17I mean, she was being all crude and mysterious
00:34:19from the first second,
00:34:20and there was all that saxophone music.
00:34:22Okay, come on, man.
00:34:23You're not the least bit dubious, dog.
00:34:25Some 10 just rolls into your life,
00:34:27and then tells you all this crazy shit
00:34:29about her evil, jealous husband,
00:34:31but then, wait a minute,
00:34:32then she has, well, yeah,
00:34:33she has a bunch of time to hang out with you,
00:34:34so that's pretty weird.
00:34:36Well, you know, he obviously works,
00:34:38and she sneaks out during the day.
00:34:40Oh, okay, but wait, hold on a second.
00:34:41Did you guys, you guys,
00:34:42yeah, you went on a date, right?
00:34:44That was at night, so, and then,
00:34:46oh, you slept together,
00:34:47which that happens at nighttime,
00:34:49so I don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now.
00:34:51Well, well, maybe, maybe he was working at night,
00:34:54or he was out of town,
00:34:56or he went to sleep early.
00:34:59You just can't stand to see me happy, can you?
00:35:02No, Ricky, I do not trust this woman.
00:35:05Ah, ah, okay, you don't trust any woman.
00:35:07No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:35:08I don't trust some woman
00:35:10who wants you to kill her husband.
00:35:11I trust her completely,
00:35:13and I am not gonna let your negativity
00:35:16creep into my mind like a Trojan horse virus.
00:35:20That's a really bad computer virus I once got on my laptop.
00:35:23You hear me?
00:35:28I gotta talk to you.
00:35:29I'm working.
00:35:31You came to my office during tax season.
00:35:33What's the lunch worth, for God's sake?
00:35:34Look, I followed Donita.
00:35:36After you met her, I went to her house.
00:35:40I saw her husband.
00:35:41Yeah?
00:35:42He's a rabbi.
00:35:45What?
00:35:46Her monster husband, Ben, is a rabbi.
00:35:55How the hell do you know he's a rabbi?
00:35:57Well, he was wearing one of those Jewish hats,
00:35:59uh, the, uh, Yamaha.
00:36:02He was wearing Yamica?
00:36:03That's how you know he's a rabbi?
00:36:04Okay, don't talk down to me, Hogg.
00:36:06I'm not an idiot.
00:36:07I know what I'm doing.
00:36:08I followed him to a bookstore.
00:36:11You're starting to lose me here.
00:36:12You didn't let me finish.
00:36:14I followed him to a bookstore.
00:36:16He used to be a rabbi.
00:36:18Now he writes mystery novels about a crime-solving rabbi.
00:36:21He was doing a book signing.
00:36:23Her evil husband is a mystery novel-writing former rabbi?
00:36:27Mm-hmm.
00:36:28I even read one of his books in one sitting.
00:36:31Could not put it down.
00:36:32I can't believe a retired rabbi has gotten published,
00:36:35and I...
00:36:36Look, this doesn't change anything, you know?
00:36:38He could still be a monster.
00:36:40You know, authors can be egotistical pricks,
00:36:42and-and a lot of clergymen are-are evil molesters.
00:36:46What? No, no, hold on a second.
00:36:47No, no, no, there aren't any molesting rabbis.
00:36:49Only priests do that.
00:36:50Yeah, yeah, you know?
00:36:51Maybe this all makes sense now.
00:36:53Yeah, she said that-that he was this great man, you know,
00:36:56who wouldn't allow her to embarrass him,
00:36:58and now we see that he's this...
00:37:01published author.
00:37:03This evil, monstrous,
00:37:06wipe-threatening published author.
00:37:10Or...
00:37:11Or he's just a nice guy,
00:37:13like Richie Crenna in Body Heat.
00:37:14Just a nice, loaded guy
00:37:16who she wants you to kill
00:37:18so she can take all his money
00:37:19and make you take the rap, Ricky.
00:37:23This is stupid.
00:37:24No, it isn't, okay?
00:37:25We have to know this guy isn't Hitler.
00:37:27We can tell he's Hitler from a book signing.
00:37:29I can't. I can read people.
00:37:31I'm an accountant.
00:37:32You know, it's probably not a good idea for you to be here.
00:37:34He can't see you,
00:37:35and that you're the guy pulling the trigger.
00:37:37I-I have decided I'm gonna shoot him.
00:37:39Shoot him, poison him, trip him,
00:37:40whatever you want to do.
00:37:41I don't care.
00:37:42I don't care.
00:37:43I don't care.
00:37:44I don't care.
00:37:45I don't care.
00:37:46I don't care.
00:37:47I don't care.
00:37:48I don't care.
00:37:49I don't care.
00:37:50I don't care.
00:37:51Shoot him, poison him, trip him,
00:37:52whatever you want to do.
00:37:53Trip him?
00:37:54I don't know, down the flight of stairs.
00:37:55What?
00:37:56You can't talk about this in public.
00:37:57What are you doing?
00:37:58What are you doing?
00:37:59You're right, right.
00:38:00Good call.
00:38:01Good call.
00:38:10Thank you.
00:38:11Hey, Mr. Jacobs.
00:38:12No, please.
00:38:13Call me Ben.
00:38:14Hmm.
00:38:15Okay, Ben.
00:38:16Yeah, any fan of mine is also a friend.
00:38:19That's a really cool way of looking at things.
00:38:21Well, seriously, I wouldn't be anywhere
00:38:23without my loyal readers.
00:38:24Right, right, yeah.
00:38:25I guess, uh, I guess you wouldn't.
00:38:32Do you think it's okay to kill a woman if she leaves you?
00:38:35What? No.
00:38:37No. No.
00:38:38Why would you ask such a question?
00:38:39I don't know, just making small talk.
00:38:40Would you sign this?
00:38:41Please make it out to Seth.
00:38:42Yeah.
00:38:46There you go, man.
00:38:47Bye, Ben.
00:38:49You still don't know he's not Hitler?
00:38:51Hitler doesn't sign books with a smiley face.
00:38:53Well, what do you expect him to do?
00:38:55I mean, foam at the mouth and rotate his head 360 degrees?
00:38:58No, but when I asked him if it's okay for a man
00:39:00to kill a woman if she's left him,
00:39:02he said he was against it, so...
00:39:03He's obviously not gonna admit that he's okay with...
00:39:05Okay, all right, look, Ricky, she's already lied to you once.
00:39:07How do you know she's not lying about this, too?
00:39:09I don't think she lied to me twice.
00:39:13If...
00:39:14If I could just see them together,
00:39:17I'd know.
00:39:18You see, now that's a good idea.
00:39:20We'll just plant the camera in their house.
00:39:22You know how to do that?
00:39:23No, I do not.
00:39:24You know, I saw the show once where they set up a nanny camp.
00:39:26Oh, my God, the bitch was shaking the baby,
00:39:28stealing money, it was a complete disaster.
00:39:29We'll just break into her house and set one up.
00:39:31You know how to break into somebody's home?
00:39:34You know, it's easy to piss on every plant.
00:39:42I'm sorry.
00:39:43Thank you.
00:39:44You sure they come here?
00:39:45Positive.
00:39:46I went on benjacobs.com.
00:39:47Says he brings his wife here for dinner every Saturday night.
00:39:49The guy's a millionaire and he takes her to Olive Garden?
00:39:51They should kill him just for that.
00:39:53This ain't Olive Garden, Hogg.
00:39:55It's Pimento Garden.
00:39:56How'd they get away with that?
00:39:57I don't know.
00:39:58Okay, great.
00:39:59Except they're not here.
00:40:00And you remember the plan, right?
00:40:01What plan?
00:40:02We hide our faces in menus and spy on them.
00:40:03Don't, don't.
00:40:04Look, it's a great plan, okay?
00:40:05You can make anything sound ridiculous by shorthand.
00:40:07Let's just go.
00:40:08No, no, no, no way, amigo.
00:40:09Look, we gotta make sure that she's not a femme fatal
00:40:11like Kathleen Turner.
00:40:12It's femme fatale.
00:40:13It doesn't sound like Kathleen Turner.
00:40:14Whatever, Sharon Stone, Denise Richards, whatever you want.
00:40:16Denise Richards?
00:40:17Yeah, in Wild Things.
00:40:18I don't remember that movie.
00:40:19You never saw Wild Things?
00:40:20Oh, my goodness, it's her and Nev Campbell
00:40:21making out in a pool.
00:40:22It was a classic, you know?
00:40:23Hey, how are you?
00:40:26Hi, it's Seth, right?
00:40:28Yeah, Seth.
00:40:29Yeah, honey, this guy just came to a book signing.
00:40:32I never forget the face of a fan.
00:40:34How you doing?
00:40:36Wow, I can't believe a big-time author like you eats here, too.
00:40:38That's a, what a coincidence.
00:40:40What a small world.
00:40:41It's a small world, isn't it, Ricky?
00:40:43It's very small.
00:40:44It's very small.
00:40:47Okay, well, uh, hey, it was really great running into you, Ben.
00:40:50We'll let you get back to having dinner in private with your wife,
00:40:52so, uh, buh-bye.
00:40:54Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:40:56Nonsense.
00:40:57Uh, why don't you two join us?
00:40:58Pardon?
00:40:59Well, it's not every day an author gets to converse
00:41:01with one of his fans.
00:41:02And besides, you deserve a free meal just for reading my books.
00:41:05So, what do you say?
00:41:07All right?
00:41:08Great.
00:41:09Come on.
00:41:13Good times.
00:41:17Okay, okay, okay.
00:41:19So, Sam, tell me what it is you like best about my books,
00:41:22and please, do not spare a single detail.
00:41:25Unless, of course, it's negative.
00:41:27Well, I like everything about them.
00:41:30The suspense, the surprise twists, the characters.
00:41:32I love how the killer is always the most unassuming, unlikely fellow.
00:41:36Were you born in L.A.?
00:41:38Huh?
00:41:40Uh, were you, uh, were you born in Los Angeles?
00:41:44Uh, was anybody?
00:41:47Right?
00:41:49Well, I was, and Seth, too.
00:41:52Well, not Los Angeles, per se, but, uh, Sherman Oaks.
00:41:56I'm from Pittsburgh, originally.
00:42:00You know, uh, I first met Danita at a pimento garden.
00:42:04She was a waitress there.
00:42:06And I proposed to her on a Saturday night,
00:42:09and we've been coming back to one every Saturday since,
00:42:13no matter where we've lived.
00:42:15Aw.
00:42:16Mm-hmm.
00:42:18I didn't know that.
00:42:20Well, why, why, I mean, why, why, why would, why would he know?
00:42:23That's what I mean, why would he know?
00:42:25I mean, it's very romantic, is what, it's very romantic.
00:42:27Isn't that romantic, Ricky?
00:42:29It is very romantic.
00:42:32You have been awfully quiet tonight, honey.
00:42:35No, no, no, I'm just listening.
00:42:38No, well, you can talk, too.
00:42:40I mean, it's allowed.
00:42:42Thanks.
00:42:43Well, I'm a modern man.
00:42:45Yes, that you are.
00:42:47Modern enough to give his beautiful wife a little kiss in public.
00:42:51Let's order.
00:42:54Sorry.
00:42:56Me hungry like a sumbitch.
00:43:03Oh, that was great.
00:43:07Benny, you sure that Ricky and I can't at least kick in for the cherry Pepsis?
00:43:10Out of the question.
00:43:12My treat, please.
00:43:14Here you go. Thanks.
00:43:16Wow, what a nice guy.
00:43:19Yeah, I guess it's nice being a millionaire writer,
00:43:22never having to worry about money.
00:43:24Oh, well, it wasn't always like that, believe me.
00:43:26I mean, it took me years and years to make it as a writer.
00:43:29Wow, see, Ricky, I told you, it's never too late.
00:43:32Ricky wrote a really cool book, and then he just quit.
00:43:34Oh, that's a shame.
00:43:36No, I didn't write a book, and I didn't quit.
00:43:39I just got, you know, 80 pages into one a long time ago,
00:43:43and then I got a real job.
00:43:46Well, I would love to read it.
00:43:51Excuse me?
00:43:52I would love to read your 80 pages, Ricky.
00:43:56Here, I'll give you my card.
00:43:58You can send it over and give me a call in a few days,
00:44:00and I'll give you some feedback.
00:44:03Go on, take it. It's okay.
00:44:10I can't believe the man I'm supposed to kill
00:44:13is going to read my work.
00:44:15I knew she was lying.
00:44:17I still don't know that.
00:44:18What?
00:44:19The whole point of tonight was to watch the two of them together,
00:44:21and she did seem uncomfortable around him.
00:44:23What are you talking about?
00:44:24When he tried to kiss her, she was uncomfortable,
00:44:26and he practically tongue-raped her.
00:44:32Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
00:44:33I met a woman on E Happily, too.
00:44:35She's really hot.
00:44:36The picture is.
00:44:38Oh, um, and if we go on a date,
00:44:41and by chance you happen to run into us,
00:44:43she sort of thinks that I am an astronaut.
00:44:57Hello?
00:44:58Hi, honey.
00:44:59God, I'm still shaking.
00:45:01I can't believe we ran into each other like that.
00:45:04Yeah, it is a small world.
00:45:07You handled yourself great, though.
00:45:09Calm, poised, sort of.
00:45:13I hope I did, too.
00:45:15Where is he?
00:45:16He's downstairs. I can just talk for a minute.
00:45:18I just...
00:45:19I wanted to die him pawing at me
00:45:22and kissing me like that.
00:45:25I just needed to hear your voice.
00:45:27I'm glad you called.
00:45:32Boy, he really didn't seem like the monster I imagined.
00:45:36No, he's good at fooling people.
00:45:38Yeah, really good at it.
00:45:40I mean, generous, affable.
00:45:44He almost fooled me.
00:45:47Do you think I'm lying to you, Ricky?
00:45:50No, no.
00:45:53I mean, you know, it's just a little odd.
00:45:56You told me he was this evil guy who threatened to kill you
00:46:00and he used to be a rabbi and...
00:46:02How'd you know that?
00:46:03Huh?
00:46:05Seth told me.
00:46:08He googled him and checked his website and...
00:46:12You didn't just run into us tonight, did you?
00:46:15You knew we were gonna be there.
00:46:17No, no.
00:46:19Okay, yeah.
00:46:21But, you know, Seth just wanted to make sure you weren't using me
00:46:24or trying to set me up.
00:46:27I see. He did.
00:46:29Yeah, yeah, of course.
00:46:30I mean, I trust you, Danita.
00:46:32You know, totally.
00:46:34I always have.
00:46:35Goodbye, Ricky.
00:46:51Hey, Hog.
00:46:52Oh, what are you doing here?
00:46:54I'm meeting my E. Habley chick.
00:46:55Found a hot Frenchie, too, so that's why I'm here.
00:46:57Hey, look, I was wondering if you could do me a solid.
00:46:58Maybe come over and break things up.
00:47:00She doesn't look like her picture.
00:47:01Uh...
00:47:03Oh, well, you could do.
00:47:05Say that my mother died when I'm needed at the cemetery.
00:47:07No.
00:47:08Hey, I'm helping you kill a guy.
00:47:12Sorry, I should probably lower my voice.
00:47:13Yeah, don't worry about that.
00:47:15That's not happening anymore.
00:47:16What?
00:47:17Danita is pissed at me.
00:47:19She thought we didn't just run into each other the other night.
00:47:21She thought I went there because I didn't trust her.
00:47:23Well, I don't...
00:47:25I don't want to pick sides.
00:47:27The girl is right. That is why you went.
00:47:29Because you put that thought in my head.
00:47:31Don't do that.
00:47:32Please.
00:47:33It's easy to be a Monday morning quarterback,
00:47:35blame everything on...
00:47:36Oh, God.
00:47:38That's her.
00:47:39That's her.
00:47:40Look, she is her picture.
00:47:42Wish me luck, dog.
00:47:44Snail.
00:47:46Look, in about ten minutes,
00:47:48could you come by our table and ask me something astronaut-y?
00:48:03Hello, sir.
00:48:10Uh, maybe we should get a table?
00:48:13Yes.
00:48:14Oh, yes, of course.
00:48:16You know, I have a lot of pull here, so...
00:48:18Garçon.
00:48:20That is French.
00:48:22And why wouldn't you know that? I'm a moron.
00:48:24Relax.
00:48:26Tonight, you're going to get paid and laid.
00:48:32Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
00:48:34It was a phrase I took from your profile.
00:48:36I thought it was very funny.
00:48:38Oh, yeah, I see.
00:48:40Ah, shit, I thought you were serious.
00:48:42Pardon my French.
00:48:44And I apologize for that.
00:48:45I did not mean to imply that French is coarse,
00:48:47or that it is obscene, or that it is a gutter language.
00:48:50French is not a gutter language.
00:48:58What?
00:49:08All my life, I have been looking for my prince.
00:49:12Anita, I need to talk to you. Please call me back.
00:49:16Look, I'm sorry I didn't trust you,
00:49:18but Seth kept making me watch Body Heat and Wild Things.
00:49:22Jesus.
00:49:37Talk to me. Look, look, it's my fault, okay?
00:49:40I got into my head, and I started obsessing,
00:49:42and getting all suspicious, but that's no excuse.
00:49:45I was using you.
00:49:48What?
00:49:49At first.
00:49:52I told you the truth about my husband.
00:49:54He would kill me if I ever tried to leave him.
00:49:56He controls every dime of mine,
00:49:58so I could never pay to have someone.
00:50:02One day, I went on this dating service
00:50:04to look for someone desperate,
00:50:06and they matched me up with you.
00:50:10I figured that any man willing to go on a date with a woman
00:50:13without even seeing her picture
00:50:15might be willing to go along with just about anything.
00:50:18I guess you made the right choice.
00:50:20No, but then I met you, and it just...
00:50:23Everything changed. I just...
00:50:26I fell in love with you.
00:50:29Uh-huh.
00:50:31I did, Ricky. I did. I really did.
00:50:33Look, I'll be honest. When I first read your profile,
00:50:36I couldn't believe anybody that sweet could actually exist.
00:50:39I mean, I even snickered when I read the word
00:50:41partner the first time.
00:50:43Just...
00:50:44Then I met you, and you were just...
00:50:46You are that sweet in person, and...
00:50:49And I love you.
00:50:51I love you from the bottom of my heart, Ricky,
00:50:53and I know you have no reason to believe me, but if...
00:50:56I didn't either.
00:51:00Yeah, okay. I guess that's what I deserve.
00:51:05Goodbye, Ricky.
00:51:09I'm so sorry, Ricky.
00:51:11You're my soulmate, and I just...
00:51:13I screwed it all up.
00:51:19Swear on Albert Brooks.
00:51:21What?
00:51:23Swear on Albert Brooks that you love me.
00:51:27If you're lying, he'll be struck dead.
00:51:30And also one of your cats.
00:51:36I swear.
00:51:38I swear on Albert Brooks in German.
00:51:40Yeah, I love you.
00:51:42I love you, Ricky. I love you.
00:51:46Oh, God, I love you too, Janina.
00:51:50Um...
00:51:52Listen, uh...
00:51:55There's something I probably should have told you. Um...
00:51:59Well, it's something you probably noticed already.
00:52:03My whole head is a lie.
00:52:07It's okay.
00:52:09You look more beautiful without your makeup.
00:52:21It's back on.
00:52:23What?
00:52:24Operation Kill the Rabbi. It's a go.
00:52:26Pound it.
00:52:33What exactly is our operation?
00:52:35You know what? I don't know.
00:52:36I was thinking shoot him, trip him.
00:52:37Right now is not a good time, baby.
00:52:38Up to my S and 1099s.
00:52:40Okay.
00:52:41Okay.
00:52:48You want me to give your husband my novel?
00:52:51Yes, just like he asked.
00:52:54Then you can come over one night to discuss it face to face
00:52:57where you can absorb all his comments,
00:52:59then you'll have the perfect opportunity.
00:53:02I'm not sure it's ready.
00:53:04What?
00:53:05The 80 pages. You know, I haven't proofed it yet.
00:53:09You're not giving it to him so he can send it to his agents.
00:53:12You're giving it to him so he can get invited into his home
00:53:16and kill him.
00:53:18It's just, it's been a long time since anybody's read my stuff
00:53:21and all. I don't know.
00:53:23I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm really nervous.
00:53:27Johnny.
00:53:30Maybe we shouldn't do this.
00:53:32I mean, maybe we can just get in your car
00:53:35and drive away, far away, you and me, right now.
00:53:39I'd have to give Debbie's two weeks notice.
00:53:44Sorry, I was sure you were kidding.
00:53:48Let's just get away.
00:53:50I mean, maybe he won't kill me like he says he will.
00:53:53Yeah, okay, he's killed before, but...
00:53:57Oh, yeah, he killed his first wife.
00:54:00I mean, they couldn't prove it, but he did.
00:54:02The prick even made it into the plot of his first, first book.
00:54:07Genius murderer gets away with killing cheating wife.
00:54:12Christ.
00:54:14His family warned me till the day I married him.
00:54:18Just never listen. I'm such an idiot, Ricky.
00:54:21No, no, no, hey.
00:54:24At least you have good taste in men now.
00:54:32How to buy a gun.
00:54:38Oh, shit, they traced Google searches.
00:54:41Idiot.
00:54:43Smiley face.
00:54:45LOL.
00:54:47Hey, man, can I talk to you for a second?
00:54:49Yeah, what up, dawg?
00:54:51Um, I'm gonna need some more time off.
00:54:54Oh, yeah, okay, whatevs.
00:54:59Oh, uh, hey, you know, Jorge,
00:55:02there's something I always wanted to ask you.
00:55:05Do you know anybody who sells guns?
00:55:08Excuse me?
00:55:10Well, it's for my father.
00:55:12He likes to hunt deer.
00:55:14You know, I don't condone it, but, you know, it gives him pleasure,
00:55:17and his birthday's coming up, so...
00:55:19Why would you think that I know somebody who sells guns, huh?
00:55:22Because I'm Hispanic.
00:55:23No, no, no, of course not.
00:55:25I mean, I didn't mean anything, but honestly...
00:55:27Look, I'm sorry, okay?
00:55:28It's just that this is how stereotypes get perpetuated.
00:55:30Couldn't agree with you more, and I'm sorry I asked.
00:55:38You know what? I just remembered.
00:55:40My brother and sister sell guns.
00:55:43Huh.
00:55:45This is stupid.
00:55:46Shouldn't we be at a shooting range or something?
00:55:48Witnesses, dog.
00:55:50Use your head, okay? It's totally discreet here.
00:55:58Ah!
00:55:59Ah! Ah!
00:56:01Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was discreet.
00:56:04Couldn't you have asked the busboy for a silencer or something?
00:56:07Sorry, first gun. Forgot to ask for accessories.
00:56:09All right, you know what? I'll show you how to do it, hog.
00:56:11You got to aim the...
00:56:13Now, don't hold the trigger yet.
00:56:15Don't hold it like a gangster.
00:56:17Put it straight up.
00:56:18Now, make sure that your forearm needs to be in line with the barrel.
00:56:21Needs to be in line with the...
00:56:22You can't even do that.
00:56:23Don't turn your elbow in, or else you're going to...
00:56:25This is going to dislocate immediately.
00:56:27Okay, look. No, no, no, no, no.
00:56:29You got to stay square.
00:56:31Okay, you have no power there.
00:56:32Look at it through that eye.
00:56:34The eye closest to the...
00:56:36You know what? Maybe you don't have to shoot him.
00:56:38No, no, no, I want to shoot him.
00:56:40That's how this murderer deserves to die.
00:56:42Murderer?
00:56:43Oh, yeah. Yeah, he killed his first wife.
00:56:45Totally got away with it.
00:56:46No, no, no, I think you're thinking of Ben's first book,
00:56:48which is a great read, by the way.
00:56:49I highly recommend it.
00:56:50No, no, no. He did it in real life.
00:56:52Come on, she already lied to you.
00:56:54How do you know she's telling the truth now?
00:56:58I looked into her eyes.
00:57:00Oh, good. Great.
00:57:02Yeah, I feel really good about this now.
00:57:04Did you at least think to Google the guy,
00:57:06see if he even had a first wife?
00:57:08Okay, okay, you want to know what your problem is?
00:57:11Seriously, seriously, you know, I think you need to hear it.
00:57:14You know, this may hurt, but I really think you need to hear it.
00:57:17Okay, Dr. Phil, what's my problem?
00:57:19Okay, you are so emotionally immature,
00:57:22so afraid of any kind of relationship
00:57:25that you mistrust any woman
00:57:27so that you don't have to make a commitment.
00:57:31I see.
00:57:32Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm your best friend,
00:57:34so, you know, I really felt like I had to say it.
00:57:36Really? Yeah.
00:57:38Then why did I propose to Tracy
00:57:40at the end of our first date?
00:57:42What?
00:57:44I was going to surprise you with the news
00:57:46tonight over a hot dog and soup,
00:57:48but no, you had to ruin it
00:57:50by saying all those hurtful, hurtful, hurtful...
00:57:52So you proposed to her?
00:57:54Yeah.
00:57:56I don't know, I guess I was hit by lightning, too, dog.
00:57:58I mean, she's attractive, and she said I was her type,
00:58:00and nobody ever tells me that I'm their type,
00:58:02so the words,
00:58:04will you marry me,
00:58:06I don't know, they just kind of slipped out
00:58:08like sappy Tourette's or something like that.
00:58:10And what did she say?
00:58:12Yes, she said yes.
00:58:14We're getting married in a month.
00:58:16Wow, wow, that is unbelievable.
00:58:18I'm proud of you, man.
00:58:22Thank you, Ricky.
00:58:24Me, too.
00:58:26Actually, I told her that I wasn't an astronaut
00:58:28about a half hour after I popped the question,
00:58:30and she was a little weirded out by that,
00:58:32but I didn't retract her yes.
00:58:34Throw.
00:58:36No, no, no, I'm happy for you, it's just...
00:58:38you know, I'm the last guy from high school
00:58:40to never be married.
00:58:44Ricky, you've got to keep your arm
00:58:46in line with the barrel.
00:58:54Setting up for the rush now.
00:58:56Up to the line, gathering speed.
00:58:58Up to the line, gathering speed.
00:59:06Ben Jacobs.
00:59:10Author.
00:59:12First wife.
00:59:22Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't trust you, Danita.
00:59:24I'll never use Google again.
00:59:28Hello?
00:59:38Hello?
00:59:40Mr. Jacobs, it's Ricky.
00:59:42You know, the 80-page writer?
00:59:44Ricky, hey!
00:59:46Yeah, I hope I'm not bothering you.
00:59:48I just wanted to let you know
00:59:50that I just messengered you my book.
00:59:52Oh, excellent. Well, I'm really looking forward to reading it.
00:59:54Listen, after you've read it,
00:59:56I'd love to talk to you
00:59:58face-to-face, you know,
01:00:00so I can absorb your comments.
01:00:02Why don't you come over for dinner?
01:00:06That's...
01:00:08just what I was about to ask you.
01:00:12I mean, I hope it's not too much trouble.
01:00:14No, no, no trouble at all.
01:00:16How's Sunday?
01:00:18Thanks, bye.
01:00:26Oh.
01:00:32I just got off the phone with Ricky
01:00:34and he's coming over for dinner Sunday night.
01:00:38Ricky?
01:00:40Yeah, I'm reading his book, honey.
01:00:42Remember?
01:00:44Oh, yeah, right.
01:00:48Is it okay with you that I invited him to dinner?
01:00:50Of course.
01:00:52Okay, good.
01:00:56Okay.
01:01:16Hey, baby.
01:01:18Hi, sweetie. I came as quickly as I could.
01:01:20What's wrong?
01:01:22I think Ben may know about us.
01:01:24So, do you think we should call off dinner tonight?
01:01:26No, why?
01:01:28Because he might, you know, try to kill me first.
01:01:30All right.
01:01:32Hey.
01:01:34No, what am I saying? He'd never kill you in his own house.
01:01:36He'd take you somewhere else.
01:01:38How do we know he doesn't have after-dinner plans?
01:01:40Oh, it's...
01:01:42I bet he was just trying to scare me.
01:01:44You know, if he thought we were really having an affair,
01:01:46he'd be dead already.
01:01:48Okie-dokie.
01:01:50I love you, Ricky.
01:01:52I love you more, plus seven.
01:01:56Oh, after dinner,
01:01:58he'll take you up to his office to discuss your book.
01:02:00So as soon as he goes up the first few steps,
01:02:02just shoot him twice in the back of the head.
01:02:04Oh, I should probably make sure that he gets up first,
01:02:06because if I'm in front of him,
01:02:08then I'm gonna have to reach around to get access to the back of his head.
01:02:10I'm sorry I'm rambling.
01:02:12You'll do great.
01:02:14Thank you, baby.
01:02:18Please stop staring at me, Jesus.
01:02:20Please stop staring at me, Jesus.
01:02:34Okay, cool.
01:02:36Can't barely see your face.
01:02:38Why are you wearing a Minnesota cap?
01:02:40Oh, I know what that's for.
01:02:42It's Montreal Royals.
01:02:44It was the first minor league team that Jackie Robinson played for you.
01:02:46I mean, you saw that movie with Harrison Ford and Chadwick Boseman.
01:02:48It was really superb,
01:02:50and a delightful turn from John C. McGinley, actually.
01:02:52Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:02:54Just relax, okay?
01:02:56Remember, all you have to do
01:02:58is kill a guy while his back is turned, okay?
01:03:00And don't forget,
01:03:02the barrel of the gun needs to be in line with your forearm.
01:03:04Oh, would you shut up with that, all right?
01:03:08Trying to help, Ricky.
01:03:12I'm sorry I yelled, man.
01:03:14Yeah, well,
01:03:16I mean,
01:03:18I guess you got a lot on your plate.
01:03:22Look, um,
01:03:24when the deed is done,
01:03:26just text me,
01:03:28the rabbi sleeps with the gefilte fishes.
01:03:30I'll come help you guys get rid of the body, okay?
01:03:32You're a primo amigo plus, man,
01:03:34you know that?
01:03:36I gotta...
01:03:38You gotta go.
01:03:40Yeah, I gotta go.
01:03:42Whew.
01:03:44You got it, you got it.
01:03:50Come on.
01:03:52Come on.
01:03:54Come on.
01:03:56Come on.
01:03:58Come on.
01:04:00Come on.
01:04:02Come on.
01:04:04Come on.
01:04:34It's okay, honey, you keep on riding.
01:04:36I'll get the door.
01:04:40How are you doing?
01:04:42Hello, Ricky.
01:04:44Welcome to our house.
01:04:46Ben will be out in a minute.
01:04:48You really do have cats.
01:04:50I love you.
01:04:52Ricky.
01:04:54Hi, welcome.
01:04:58So, are you nervous?
01:05:00Excuse me?
01:05:02Are you nervous?
01:05:04Why would I be nervous?
01:05:06Because you're getting an evaluation of your work tonight
01:05:08by a best-selling author.
01:05:10Right, yeah.
01:05:12Yeah, I'm nervous as shit.
01:05:22How's your chicken diablo, Ricky?
01:05:24You barely touched it.
01:05:26Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
01:05:28Here we go.
01:05:30Delicious.
01:05:32Very succulent.
01:05:34Yeah, Danita is a great cook.
01:05:36You know, I sometimes forget that
01:05:38because I, you know,
01:05:40I let her order food a lot.
01:05:42Oh, let her.
01:05:44Well, I guess I spoil her a little bit.
01:05:46Don't I, honey?
01:05:48Yes, you're very generous.
01:05:50Oh, hey, I wasn't fishing for a compliment,
01:05:52but thanks.
01:05:54You're welcome.
01:05:56I really liked your book, Ricky.
01:05:58Thank you.
01:06:00I know I said I was gonna talk to you about it after dinner,
01:06:02but I just couldn't wait a second longer
01:06:04to tell you how much I really liked it.
01:06:06Are you sure you don't want to wait till after dinner
01:06:08and talk to him about it upstairs?
01:06:10You know, in your office,
01:06:12where you won't be distracted.
01:06:14What did you like about it?
01:06:16Oh, well, I, uh, I liked the characters, the pacing,
01:06:18but why in the world did you stop after 80 pages?
01:06:20I mean, I can't wait to see how it ends.
01:06:22Wow.
01:06:24Really? See, see, I think...
01:06:26I used to think it was good,
01:06:28but I don't know, time passes and you lose perspective.
01:06:30You really like the pacing?
01:06:32Oh.
01:06:34Sorry.
01:06:36I'm just, uh, I'm not used to praise.
01:06:38Well, you better get used to it,
01:06:40because after you finish it,
01:06:42I plan on sending it to my publisher.
01:06:44Oh, my God, thank you.
01:06:46Oh, my...
01:06:48Mm.
01:06:50But I did have a few notes for you.
01:06:52Um, and I think Danita's right.
01:06:54We could probably focus better upstairs,
01:06:56so after dinner in my office?
01:06:58Is that okay, Ricky?
01:07:00Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
01:07:02Excellent, great.
01:07:04Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
01:07:06Me, too.
01:07:10Hey, um,
01:07:12you think there's any chance
01:07:14that we could, uh, call the publisher
01:07:16right now and, you know,
01:07:18get the ball rolling?
01:07:20Uh, notes first, I think.
01:07:22Um...
01:07:28Well,
01:07:30let me put the dishes away.
01:07:32You two go upstairs
01:07:34and have your little talk.
01:07:40She still insists
01:07:42on cleaning up herself,
01:07:44even though I could easily afford help.
01:07:46Ah,
01:07:48she's great.
01:07:50Isn't she great, Ricky?
01:07:52Yeah, she's very nice.
01:07:54I'm glad you agree.
01:07:56Okay, time for the big moment.
01:07:58You ready?
01:08:00Oh, God, I hope so.
01:08:06Oh, come on, let's go do this.
01:08:08Come on.
01:08:17Well, why don't you, uh,
01:08:19lead the way, since, you know,
01:08:21it is your house.
01:08:46You know what?
01:08:48Why don't we go somewhere else
01:08:50to talk about your book,
01:08:52somewhere a little more inspiring?
01:08:54Oh, and, honey,
01:08:56you should come, too.
01:08:58I think it's gonna be fun.
01:09:00Huh.
01:09:10Thanks for driving, honey.
01:09:12Gives me more time to chat with Ricky.
01:09:14Where are we going?
01:09:16To a very special place.
01:09:44This place
01:09:46is very
01:09:48important to me.
01:09:50It's where I first
01:09:52came up with the idea
01:09:54that my wife was cheating on me
01:09:56with a loser like you.
01:10:00I'm sorry, honey.
01:10:02I lied to you.
01:10:04That night you thought I was doing a book signing,
01:10:06I was actually parked right over there.
01:10:08Yeah.
01:10:10I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
01:10:12It was all my fault.
01:10:14Just please don't hurt...
01:10:16Hey, hey, can you please
01:10:18just shut the fuck up, honey?
01:10:20I'm trying to converse with our dinner guest.
01:10:22Don't swear at her.
01:10:24How chivalrous, Ricky.
01:10:26You know, I'm surprised
01:10:28you're still single.
01:10:30You're a real catch.
01:10:32Why don't you just let her go?
01:10:34You don't even love her.
01:10:36Wow.
01:10:38That's just so impressive.
01:10:40You know exactly
01:10:42what's in my heart.
01:10:44You don't have a heart.
01:10:46Now you see,
01:10:48that one hurt.
01:10:50Ben, please, please,
01:10:52please no, please no, please no.
01:10:54I promise I'll never see him again.
01:10:56I'll stay with you, do anything you want.
01:10:58I told you to shut up.
01:11:00Ah!
01:11:02Ah!
01:11:04Ah!
01:11:08Whoa, hey.
01:11:10Don't ever do that again, wife killer.
01:11:12Now, now, Ricky.
01:11:14That was never proven.
01:11:18And it never will be.
01:11:20Oh, come on.
01:11:22We both know a little restaurant
01:11:24manager like you doesn't have the guts
01:11:26to pull that trigger.
01:11:28Yes, I do.
01:11:30That might have been more persuasive without the stammering.
01:11:35You know,
01:11:37this has been hard,
01:11:39Ricky, really hard.
01:11:41Going through this farce,
01:11:43eating with you,
01:11:45being friendly to you, reading your book.
01:11:47Yeah, I think that was the hardest part,
01:11:49reading your book.
01:11:51Yeah, it wasn't easy
01:11:53to pretend that crap was good.
01:11:55I mean, it was just
01:11:57awful, poorly written,
01:11:59run-on sentences,
01:12:01a clumsy attempt at suspense
01:12:03and wit, terrible pacing.
01:12:05Ah!
01:12:24He's dead.
01:12:28Holy shit!
01:12:34You did it, dog.
01:12:38Pound it.
01:12:44Hey, Donita, how's it going?
01:12:46Okay.
01:12:48Thanks for helping, Seth.
01:12:50No problem.
01:12:52You know, I got off work a little early, so...
01:12:54He's still alive!
01:12:56Wait, no, sorry, false alarm.
01:12:58No, that's just the wind. He's still dead.
01:13:04Okay.
01:13:06You better go home.
01:13:08You sure you don't want me to help you dump the body?
01:13:10Oh, honey, that is so sweet, but everything has to look normal.
01:13:12You've got to show everybody you're home,
01:13:14answer all your phone calls,
01:13:16turn on a bunch of lights.
01:13:18I love you.
01:13:20I love you more.
01:13:22I love you more, plus eight.
01:13:29Don't drive so fast.
01:13:31You serious?
01:13:33You just killed a guy, now you're worried about a speeding ticket?
01:13:35I don't want a cop to stop us, idiot.
01:13:37Right, right. I'm sorry, I'm just...
01:13:39I'm nervous. Why am I so nervous?
01:13:41There's a dead body in the trunk, and you're an accountant.
01:13:43You work at Debbie's.
01:13:45It's not that much more macho.
01:13:47No, I didn't mean it as a dig.
01:13:49Of course you didn't. That's not even...
01:13:51It's not a good dig. I'm so nervous.
01:13:53Okay, plan A. We dump him in the ocean.
01:13:55Do we have to rent a boat or something?
01:13:57Why?
01:13:59It's the shallow end, and you're not that great a swimmer.
01:14:01Okay, I'm not that bad. I'm not that bad.
01:14:03No, but you never even used to go in the deep end.
01:14:05All right, look, I was accidentally dropped in a pool
01:14:07by my mother when I was a baby.
01:14:09It was very traumatic.
01:14:11I know, I know. I'm sorry. Oh, crap, it's after midnight.
01:14:13We wouldn't even be able to rent a boat
01:14:15even if we wanted to.
01:14:17I got it, I got it. We'll dump him off a cliff.
01:14:19Because, no, we can't, right?
01:14:21Because you have a fear of heights. I apologize.
01:14:23Yeah, I almost fell off the roof of my grandparents' condominium.
01:14:25I know.
01:14:29Oh!
01:14:35Sorry to put this murdering scum
01:14:37beside you, Mr. Dead Movie Star.
01:14:43Hey.
01:14:47Hey.
01:14:49Hey!
01:14:51Oh, sorry, sorry. What is it?
01:14:53You okay, man? Shit, man, you've been, like,
01:14:55in your own world for the last two weeks.
01:14:57I'm fine. What is it?
01:14:59That guy over there wants to talk to you.
01:15:01Jesus!
01:15:05What does he want?
01:15:07I don't know, man. He wants to talk to you. Now.
01:15:09Oh, uh, okay.
01:15:11Thanks.
01:15:27Hello, officer.
01:15:29You, uh, you wanted to talk to me?
01:15:31You're Ricky Miller?
01:15:33Yeah, yeah.
01:15:35I got something I gotta ask you.
01:15:37Okay.
01:15:39You know this woman? No.
01:15:43Oh, oh.
01:15:45Oh, wait, I do, I do. That's, uh, this is my aunt Toby.
01:15:47I knew it.
01:15:49Me and you are related, man.
01:15:51What? Yeah, Toby Miller.
01:15:53She's my aunt. She mentioned she had a
01:15:55nephew who ran a Debbie's.
01:15:57I know it's kind of lame, but I'm really big into the family tree kind of thing.
01:15:59No, no, no.
01:16:01It is not dumb at all.
01:16:03It is great
01:16:05that you care about family trees.
01:16:07I mean, it's fucking fantastic.
01:16:25Hi, honey. I'm home.
01:16:27Ricky.
01:16:29I've missed you so much.
01:16:31Me, too.
01:16:33It's been so hard
01:16:35not even being able to text you.
01:16:37I know, I know, but we have to be careful.
01:16:39That's why it was so smart to meet here.
01:16:41No one would expect to find a Jew in here.
01:16:43You're Jewish?
01:16:45No, I thought you were.
01:16:47You know, because you were married to the...
01:16:49Oh, no, no, no, no. He was a rabbi.
01:16:51He liked shiksas and he also ate pork.
01:16:53The police have been questioning me.
01:16:55Why?
01:16:57I think they always suspect the spouse first.
01:16:59At least they do on 48 Hours
01:17:01and American Justice.
01:17:03Wait, you watch those shows, too?
01:17:05Oh, those are my two favorite shows on TV.
01:17:07Wait, have you seen True Crime with Aphrodite Jones?
01:17:09Shut up! I love Aph!
01:17:13That is batshit crazy
01:17:15how much we have in common.
01:17:17I love you so much, baby.
01:17:19I love you more, plus...
01:17:2119.
01:17:2320.
01:17:27So?
01:17:29What do you think?
01:17:31I don't know.
01:17:33Come on, Hog, I'm getting married on Saturday. I want to look dapper. Which one?
01:17:35Oh, sorry. That one.
01:17:37Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I thought so, too.
01:17:39It's definitely the better...
01:17:41Less...
01:17:43So, hey, where's Danita? I've been trying to get a hold of her
01:17:45to invite her to the wedding.
01:17:47You can't invite her.
01:17:49Are you insane? We can't be seen together.
01:17:51All right, all right, relax. I couldn't get a hold of her anyway.
01:17:53She probably changed her number.
01:17:55Then I went to her house
01:17:57and her neighbor said that she saw her leaving with a bunch of suitcases.
01:17:59Where's she going, man?
01:18:03Oh, shit.
01:18:05You knew that, right?
01:18:19Yeah.
01:18:33Hey, guys.
01:18:35Hey.
01:18:37There he is, huh?
01:18:39Saturday night.
01:18:41You're gonna do it.
01:18:43Time for you to get paid and laid
01:18:45and find yourself a soulmate, huh?
01:18:47Already got hit by lightning and found a soulmate.
01:18:49Now it's time to get killed by a terrorist.
01:18:51Oh, come on, Ricky.
01:18:53You'll meet someone else.
01:18:55Look, it took me over 40 years
01:18:57to find the first one.
01:18:59Now it'll take at least that.
01:19:01By then, I'll be in hell.
01:19:03That's not true.
01:19:05You're such a sweet man, Ricky.
01:19:07And why would you ever go to hell?
01:19:09God.
01:19:11I can't keep this in anymore.
01:19:13About nine months ago...
01:19:15He stole a Snapple.
01:19:17From the grocery store.
01:19:19He stole a Snapple,
01:19:21and he's been bent up about it ever since,
01:19:23haven't you, Ricky?
01:19:25The Snapple that you stole from the store.
01:19:27Yeah, I stole a Snapple.
01:19:31Just for the thrill.
01:19:41Hey.
01:19:45Hey, cuz.
01:19:51Hey.
01:19:53Hey.
01:19:55Good to see you again. How's it going?
01:19:57Not bad. Can't complain.
01:19:59How's work?
01:20:01So how's work for you?
01:20:03Interesting. I was at the station before.
01:20:05I had a serial killer come in
01:20:07and confess to a bunch of murders.
01:20:09And even confessed to killing that guy.
01:20:11What's his name?
01:20:13Oh, the author that died last year.
01:20:15Ben Jacobs?
01:20:19I believe was his name.
01:20:21There were those articles on the Internet.
01:20:23Ben Jacobs.
01:20:25That's it.
01:20:29So...
01:20:31So someone confessed?
01:20:33Yeah.
01:20:35Holy shit.
01:20:37I'll tell you, you get these nut jobs
01:20:39that come in, they confess to murders
01:20:41but this guy, really convincing.
01:20:43Yeah, I wasn't even there and I believe him.
01:20:45So we arrested him
01:20:47and I hope the bastard fries.
01:20:49I hope he fries
01:20:51and they hang him.
01:20:53That's a little excessive, cuz.
01:20:55Holy shit.
01:21:07You again, God?
01:21:09Oh.
01:21:11That was so sweet.
01:21:13And a little sick.
01:21:15Why would you let an innocent
01:21:17serial killer
01:21:19get punished for something I did?
01:21:23My life is over anyway.
01:21:35You like Lost in America too?
01:21:39Oh my God.
01:21:41You must have hated me.
01:21:43You must have thought that I ran away
01:21:45and that I'd never come back.
01:21:49Yeah, it kind of crossed my mind.
01:21:53The police were starting to suspect me more and more
01:21:55so I ditched my phone
01:21:57and any record of you
01:21:59and I knew we wouldn't be able
01:22:01to stay away from each other.
01:22:03So I just got on a plane
01:22:05and flew halfway around the world
01:22:07and kept on flying and kept on running
01:22:09and...
01:22:13Then I heard something on the news about
01:22:15a killer who was
01:22:17arrested back in America for
01:22:19the murder of Ben Jacobs.
01:22:21I'm pretty sure
01:22:23he's innocent.
01:22:25Me too.
01:22:27The police seem to believe him though.
01:22:31It's crazy.
01:22:33How could this happen?
01:22:35I pray to a deranged
01:22:37deity.
01:22:41I'm so sorry, Ricky.
01:22:45You must have thought
01:22:47I was one of those, you know,
01:22:49movie bitches like
01:22:51Seth kept warning you about.
01:22:53No, I could never think you're
01:22:55one of those bitches, never.
01:22:57Okay, maybe a few times.
01:22:59Okay, several times.
01:23:01In my smallest,
01:23:03darkest moments.
01:23:05Oh my God,
01:23:07I love you.
01:23:09I love you more
01:23:11plus infinity.
01:23:13I love you more
01:23:15plus double infinity.
01:23:17I love you more plus triple
01:23:19triple.
01:23:21Holy shitballs, you're wicked.