• 2 months ago
Transcript
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00:01:51Gary!
00:01:52Jesus Christ!
00:01:53♪♪
00:01:59Oh, my God, Gary!
00:02:01Are you okay? Say something.
00:02:02Please say something.
00:02:03I...want...
00:02:06a divorce!
00:02:07♪♪
00:02:17♪♪
00:02:27♪♪
00:02:37Dude!
00:02:38I can't believe you're moving in with her.
00:02:40I know, man.
00:02:42But I'm all crazy up in her shit.
00:02:45There ain't nothing I can do.
00:02:47Shit, man.
00:02:48That's for real.
00:02:51♪♪
00:02:58♪♪
00:03:04You moving in with her?
00:03:06Yes, I am.
00:03:07In fact, I am all crazy up in her shit.
00:03:10Damn, old boy!
00:03:12Lock it down!
00:03:15Gary!
00:03:16You're here!
00:03:17Hey!
00:03:18Hi!
00:03:19Oh, I'm so excited to hear you're late.
00:03:22I worry that you got killed somehow.
00:03:24Nope, still alive.
00:03:25Yo, yo, bad boy.
00:03:27What do you want there?
00:03:28What's up, Duane?
00:03:29Uh, you guys can just put that in the garage.
00:03:31Got it, thanks.
00:03:32Thanks, kids.
00:03:33Made some friends, huh?
00:03:34Yeah, yeah, those guys are great.
00:03:36Hey, where's Lucas?
00:03:37I got him a little something.
00:03:38I want to grease the wheels a bit, you know?
00:03:40Gary, you don't have to grease his wheels.
00:03:41He is gonna love you for you.
00:03:43Yeah, yeah, no, I know that.
00:03:44So, uh, where is he?
00:03:47He's over on the swing.
00:03:49Ah, there's my little buddy.
00:03:56You don't think the wedding was too traumatic for him, do you?
00:03:59Well, it was awful.
00:04:04The famous Jubilee Downhill Derby's coming up,
00:04:06and I thought Lucas and I could make our own car.
00:04:08What?
00:04:09Gary, this is amazing.
00:04:11Yeah, I always wished my dad was around to do this race with me.
00:04:14Just a father and son shooting down the mountain as fast as we can.
00:04:17No engine, no brakes.
00:04:18You two are gonna have so much fun.
00:04:20Isn't that right, Lucas?
00:04:22Come here, come see what Gary got you.
00:04:24Hey, buddy.
00:04:25Here, check this out.
00:04:26We can paint something really cool on the side, like a flame.
00:04:31Whoa, look at that.
00:04:32You found some earthworms.
00:04:34That's cool.
00:04:39You know what those are good for, is fishing.
00:04:41We can, uh...
00:04:45Don't get discouraged.
00:04:47It's just gonna take him a little more time, that's all.
00:04:49You know, Lucas is very...
00:04:52particular.
00:04:53No, I know he's particular. I left that about him.
00:04:55Yeah.
00:04:56I'm sorry I didn't let you get to know him more.
00:04:59I just, I really wanted to be sure.
00:05:02Well, you can be sure now.
00:05:05Gosh.
00:05:06What?
00:05:08I just...
00:05:09This is what I always wanted.
00:05:11You know, a family. A real family.
00:05:14Me too.
00:05:15I swear, I feel like the luckiest man alive.
00:05:18Don't say that.
00:05:19All right, it's not luck.
00:05:22You're the one.
00:05:24Come here.
00:05:28The ice caps are melting, the seas are rising.
00:05:31And in the past year, there's been a spike in global temperature
00:05:34that even scientists cannot explain.
00:05:36Some people believe the prophecy of the end is becoming all too real
00:05:40and the end times could be near.
00:05:42You like chocolate chip pancakes with smiley faces?
00:05:44...to tell us about how the end will come.
00:05:46Reverend Gospel, thanks for coming in.
00:05:48Thank you for having me.
00:05:49Hey, Gary, I'm meeting with the C-L-O-W-N today
00:05:52and I was hoping that maybe you could take Lucas to school.
00:05:56You're meeting with a clown?
00:06:00Oh, for Lucas's birthday.
00:06:03Sorry, got it.
00:06:05Sure, Russ.
00:06:06We've made some calculations and we are now quite certain
00:06:09that the end will come at 6 p.m. on the 6th of June.
00:06:12What are you watching?
00:06:13This is the morning news.
00:06:15Ratings must really be in the S-H-I-T-T-E-R.
00:06:20The shitter.
00:06:21Sorry.
00:06:32Hey, you don't have to call me Dad if you don't want to.
00:06:35No?
00:06:36You can call me...
00:06:38Gary.
00:06:40Awesome Gary.
00:06:41Super Gare.
00:06:42Whatever, no pressure.
00:06:48Oh, and if you want to sign up for baseball,
00:06:51I would totally be your coach or whatever.
00:06:55I mean, I was a pretty serious baseball player when I was a kid, so...
00:06:59And if you just want to toss the old ball around,
00:07:02anytime, I'm in.
00:07:07CALLING GARY
00:07:13This is Gary.
00:07:14Hi, Gary. This is your wedding videographer, Carl C. Miller.
00:07:16Carl, hi. Yes, I've been meaning to call you.
00:07:18No, I figured you guys needed some time after everything.
00:07:21Listen, Samantha and I really appreciate you doing everything you did
00:07:26under the conditions and all, but...
00:07:29I think we're going to have to pass on the video.
00:07:31I really think that you need to see something.
00:07:33We both decided it's better to move on,
00:07:35so if you could destroy the tapes...
00:07:37Mr Bloom, there is something very unusual...
00:07:40Well, we know it's unusual, Carl,
00:07:42but we're going to keep our eyes on the road ahead,
00:07:44not dwell on the past, all right?
00:07:46No, but I really think that you need to...
00:07:47Thanks for the call.
00:07:48Mr Bloom...
00:07:50All right, here we are.
00:07:53You want me to walk you in?
00:07:58Good talking to you, buddy.
00:08:04Hey, bro!
00:08:05Hey, Al.
00:08:06What's up?
00:08:07Heard about the wedding, man. That sucks, dude.
00:08:09Sounds horrible.
00:08:10So glad I didn't come.
00:08:12Hey, thanks for your gift, though.
00:08:13We're really hoping for a ceramic Woody Woodpecker statuette.
00:08:16Really? You like that thing?
00:08:17Oh, yeah.
00:08:18Oh, man, it means a lot.
00:08:19It's got some serious sentimental value, bro.
00:08:21You know, I smuggled a half kilo of Oaxacan Sesame in that thing.
00:08:25Wow, that's ambitious.
00:08:28I smoked it all in like three weeks, too, man.
00:08:30So I hear you joined the ranks.
00:08:32The, um...
00:08:33I'm sorry?
00:08:34Yeah, you're a stepdad now, man.
00:08:36That sucks, bro.
00:08:37Welcome to the club.
00:08:38Oh, you're a step...
00:08:40Dad.
00:08:41Dad?
00:08:42Yeah, man.
00:08:43Right.
00:08:44I'm in therapy, too.
00:08:45Big time.
00:08:46You can come if you want.
00:08:47It's like a group thing.
00:08:48It's pretty chill.
00:08:49Come with you to...
00:08:50Therapy?
00:08:51Your therapy.
00:08:52Yeah.
00:08:53No, I really don't want to.
00:08:54Okay, man, suit yourself.
00:08:55Whatever feels good.
00:08:56What you working on?
00:08:57Oh, nothing.
00:08:58Oh, you got a mark?
00:08:59Well, it's not a mark exactly.
00:09:00It's a client.
00:09:01Well, somebody wants to buy that freaky old nunnery, man?
00:09:04No way!
00:09:05You think they're gonna make it into like a sex dungeon or something?
00:09:08A sex dungeon?
00:09:09Mm-hmm.
00:09:10This is Gary.
00:09:12Give it to me, you dirty little nun.
00:09:13Wow, that was fast.
00:09:14Uh...
00:09:15Give it to me, you dirty little nun.
00:09:16Yeah, it's still available today.
00:09:17Oh, hey, Rick.
00:09:18What's up, man?
00:09:19Oh, hey, Al.
00:09:20Pay that rent!
00:09:21That's...
00:09:22Pay that rent!
00:09:23That's great.
00:09:24Uh, I will see you there.
00:09:25Great.
00:09:26Thanks.
00:09:27Pay it!
00:09:28Sorry I'm late.
00:09:29Check it.
00:09:30I'm Gary Bloom.
00:09:31You are forgiven.
00:09:32I'm Reverend J.D. Gospel.
00:09:33Yeah, from, uh, from TV.
00:09:34I just saw you this morning.
00:09:35Oh, yes.
00:09:36The press does love their doom and gloom.
00:09:37Good point.
00:09:38Shall we have a look inside?
00:09:39Please.
00:09:40One sec.
00:09:41Yeah.
00:09:42There's plenty of room.
00:09:43Uh, do you have a large room?
00:09:44Yeah, I do.
00:09:45Oh, that's great.
00:09:46Thank you.
00:09:47Thank you.
00:09:48Thank you.
00:09:49Thank you.
00:09:50Thank you.
00:09:51Thank you.
00:09:52Thank you.
00:09:53Thank you.
00:09:54Thank you.
00:09:55Thank you.
00:09:56Thank you.
00:09:57Thank you.
00:09:58Thank you.
00:09:59Thank you.
00:10:00Uh, do you have a large family, Mr. Gospel?
00:10:01Yes.
00:10:02Yes, I do.
00:10:03Well, uh, you kick off their shoes here, and I'm sure they'll enjoy the 15 extra rooms.
00:10:08There's a chapel.
00:10:09There's a basement that can be turned into a game room or a man cave.
00:10:12Ah, I just love the smell of an old-fashioned nunnery, don't you?
00:10:17Yeah.
00:10:18May I see the chapel?
00:10:21Sure.
00:10:22Yeah.
00:10:23Right this way.
00:10:25Yeah, I mean, as you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper, but, you know, with the right touch.
00:10:43What is your best offer?
00:10:46The best offer?
00:10:49Just, you know, there's another couple who's very interested.
00:10:53You're kidding me.
00:10:54Who?
00:10:55Eh, it's a very wealthy couple.
00:10:56Just, like, dot-com money, always wanted to retire in a nunnery.
00:10:59Same old story.
00:11:00I shouldn't even be showing it to you.
00:11:01I'll beat their price.
00:11:03Whatever they're offering, I'll offer more.
00:11:05Really?
00:11:07The end is coming, Gary.
00:11:10Blood will rain and crows will darken the sky.
00:11:13The oceans will boil over.
00:11:17Money truly is no object.
00:11:20Well, that's fantastic.
00:11:21I mean, not the blood boiling and the sky and stuff, but that you want to buy it.
00:11:27That's...
00:11:28I'm sorry.
00:11:29Uh, just one second.
00:11:30Hey, hon.
00:11:33What kind of trouble?
00:11:35Oh, poor little buddy.
00:11:37Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can make it down there right now.
00:11:40Okay.
00:11:41Yeah, yeah.
00:11:42Love you, too.
00:11:43Sorry.
00:11:44My stepson got into a little trouble at school.
00:11:46Probably just threw out spitballs or something.
00:11:48The Lord will never give you more than you can handle.
00:11:51Got it.
00:11:52So it's a deal, then?
00:11:53Yeah, absolutely.
00:11:55We have a deal.
00:12:09Hi.
00:12:10Um, I'm here to pick up my stepson.
00:12:19Lucas?
00:12:21Are you okay?
00:12:23What happened?
00:12:25You're Lucas's father?
00:12:28Yeah, or, I mean, I'm his stepfather.
00:12:31Please, come in.
00:12:33It's okay.
00:12:37Have a seat, Mr...?
00:12:39Uh, you can call me Gary.
00:12:40Mr. Gary.
00:12:41I'm Principal Chandler, and this is School Psychiatrist.
00:12:45Okay.
00:12:46Mm-hmm.
00:12:48How long have you been the child's stepfather?
00:12:52Well, his mother and I just recently got married.
00:12:55Mm-hmm.
00:12:56Mr. Gary, have you noticed any odd behavior from Lucas?
00:13:01No.
00:13:02I mean, he's been a little withdrawn since the wedding.
00:13:05Mm-hmm.
00:13:06I'm sorry.
00:13:07Why do you keep mm-hmming?
00:13:09I don't know.
00:13:12I'm sorry.
00:13:13Why do you keep mm-hmming?
00:13:17Mr. Gary, do you believe in corporal punishment?
00:13:20No.
00:13:21Were you neglected as a child?
00:13:23No.
00:13:25Not entirely.
00:13:27Maybe a little.
00:13:29What was your relationship with your own father?
00:13:32I didn't know my father.
00:13:34I see.
00:13:35Do you mind telling me what this is all about?
00:13:37What did Lucas do?
00:13:39I'm afraid he spoke out of turn in class.
00:13:42Well, this is quite the response.
00:13:44He told his science teacher, Mrs. Dieter, to go to hell.
00:13:47Oh, okay.
00:13:49Well, yeah, that is pretty bad.
00:13:51Then she poured lye on her face and hucked herself out of a third-story window,
00:13:55speared herself on the fence outside.
00:13:59Now, we're not blaming Lucas,
00:14:02but we've gone through his file,
00:14:05and he seems to have a habit of pushing people over the edge.
00:14:09We're going to have to suspend him for a week.
00:14:12Are you sure that's necessary?
00:14:14I'm afraid so, and we want him to see a counselor.
00:14:17I'm going to recommend group therapy for you as well.
00:14:20Some medicine.
00:14:22I'm afraid so, and we want him to see a counselor.
00:14:25I'm going to recommend group therapy for you as well.
00:14:28Somewhere where you can work out some of your own father issues.
00:14:32Honestly, I don't have any father issues.
00:14:34You can work that out in group.
00:14:43Oh, my God.
00:14:49That's terrible.
00:14:51I know. It's really tragic.
00:14:54With the way they're paying teachers nowadays, I'm really not surprised.
00:14:56I just can't imagine what you must have been going through, you know?
00:14:59Yeah, shoot. I just was really hoping that Lucas would make some new friends in this school,
00:15:03and now nobody's going to come to his birthday party.
00:15:05I'm sure that should be your biggest concern, huh?
00:15:07I met with a clown today, Gary. A clown.
00:15:10Do you know how hard it is to have a conversation with a fully-grown man in a clown suit?
00:15:15Okay. I'm sorry. I forgot about that. How'd that go?
00:15:18Terribly. He's double-booked on Saturday, and he can't do it.
00:15:21It doesn't matter now. Just call his birthday off.
00:15:24I'm sure people will still come, and I can help you find another clown if it means that much.
00:15:29You know, it's not fair that they singled out Lucas.
00:15:31I mean, if she's that fragile, then she shouldn't be teaching, right?
00:15:35I mean, did you tell them that?
00:15:37No, I tried, but they were really focused on the fact that I'm sort of a new figure in the house, you know?
00:15:42I mean, they were acting like it was my fault or something.
00:15:44They were?
00:15:46Yeah. And they want me to see a therapist.
00:15:48Isn't that weird?
00:15:51What? You think I should?
00:15:53I just... I mean, you're not exactly having the easiest time communicating with him.
00:15:59Okay, but this isn't about me, Sam. This is about Lucas.
00:16:03What if there's something really wrong with him?
00:16:05There is nothing wrong with Lucas.
00:16:07God damn it! Why is everything always blamed on the child?
00:16:20Hey, honey. I am sorry.
00:16:25It's just not fair, you know? I mean, he's already been through so much.
00:16:31He's a good kid, Gary. He just... he needs a positive male role model.
00:16:35And every time I think I've found the perfect guy...
00:16:41he winds up turning against him and going crazy or...
00:16:47dying in a horrible mulching accident.
00:16:50What? Hey, hey, come here. Come here. I am so sorry, honey.
00:16:54I didn't know that.
00:16:56You just... you can't deal with any more rejection, Gary, all right?
00:17:00I mean, you... you have to be on his side.
00:17:04I am on his side.
00:17:05You're just saying that.
00:17:06I'm not. Sam, I love you, okay?
00:17:10And I didn't just make a commitment to you. I made a commitment to him.
00:17:14Do you understand?
00:17:16Now, I'm gonna go up there. I'm gonna have a heart-to-heart with him.
00:17:19I'm gonna turn this into a bonding thing.
00:17:22Okay.
00:17:24Okay.
00:17:28Hey, Gary.
00:17:31You're gonna be a great dad.
00:17:41Shit.
00:17:43Hey, Lucas. Can I come in?
00:17:48Hey, pal. How are you feeling?
00:17:58Is the cable out or...?
00:18:01Well, TV sucks anyway.
00:18:03It's kind of cool to just use your imagination, right?
00:18:07Okay. Um...
00:18:11Listen, Lucas.
00:18:13I'm sure it seems like we've been moving really fast,
00:18:17but I'm your stepfather now.
00:18:22Yeah, okay. Um, we'll just talk later.
00:18:24Or whenever you want.
00:18:25Okay.
00:18:27Hey, Gary.
00:18:28Hey.
00:18:29Hey.
00:18:30Hey.
00:18:31Hey.
00:18:32Hey.
00:18:33Hey.
00:18:34Hey.
00:18:35Or whenever you want.
00:18:37Okay?
00:18:45How'd it go?
00:18:46Oh, uh, he just told me he went some alone time
00:18:49through his, uh, goat puppet.
00:18:51Oh, yeah. That's his friend, Reroy.
00:18:53Reroy.
00:18:54He loves playing with them.
00:18:56Good.
00:18:59Well, I'll just let him have a little Reroy time then
00:19:01and check in with him later.
00:19:03Okay.
00:19:06You know what pisses me off?
00:19:08Kids nowadays, they don't even know
00:19:10what's rad when they see it now.
00:19:12When I was that age, all I wanted
00:19:14was a 72 Chevrolet El Camino monster truck
00:19:17mounted on top of some 66-inch Goodyear tires
00:19:20with an alcohol fuel-injected turbo engine.
00:19:22Am I right?
00:19:23Yep.
00:19:24But now that I got one,
00:19:26I got a stepkid, and all he wants to do
00:19:28is watch Pitch Perfect.
00:19:29Pitch Perfect 1, Pitch Perfect 2, Pitch Perfect 3.
00:19:31Oh, shit.
00:19:32I said, Jeremy, man, let's put on some Rush.
00:19:34Put your hand on the speaker and your hand on your heart
00:19:36and see if you can feel something.
00:19:38I said, what are you feeling?
00:19:39He said, nothing.
00:19:41I said, that's America.
00:19:43He didn't get it.
00:19:45So that's kind of where I'm at right now.
00:19:47Thank you for sharing, Al.
00:19:49Good job, man.
00:19:50Nice work.
00:19:51Okay, we got a new guy.
00:19:52Everybody, please welcome Gary.
00:19:54Hi, Jerry.
00:19:55All right, Gary.
00:19:56Welcome, man.
00:19:57Let's go, Gary.
00:19:58Gary, can you share a little about
00:20:00what you're going through?
00:20:01Oh, no, thank you.
00:20:03I'm just here to watch.
00:20:05No, you're not here to watch.
00:20:07You're here to participate.
00:20:09Okay, all right.
00:20:11You got this, man.
00:20:13Okay, well, my wife and I just recently got married.
00:20:17And, you know, I'm having a little tiny bit of trouble
00:20:20bonding with my new stepson, Lucas.
00:20:22And how old is he?
00:20:24He's about to turn six.
00:20:25Yeah, we're actually having a party for him on Saturday.
00:20:28His real birthday is next Wednesday.
00:20:30Oh, he's a great age.
00:20:31He's still very malleable.
00:20:32And how is it with his mother?
00:20:34Oh, it's going great there.
00:20:36I mean, she's just amazing in so many ways.
00:20:39Blowjobs!
00:20:42But the fact that you don't get along with her son
00:20:45is putting a strain on the marriage.
00:20:47No, not really.
00:20:50It will.
00:20:51Your mom's always going to side with the son.
00:20:54Can you tell us a little more about Lucas?
00:20:57Well, um...
00:21:00I mean, he never really looks me in the eye.
00:21:03Doesn't talk much.
00:21:05Except when he tells his teachers to go to hell
00:21:08or yells at me to get out of his room
00:21:11using this weird little goat puppet thing.
00:21:15And I just, I get this sense that he's, uh...
00:21:19That he's evil incarnate?
00:21:23Yeah.
00:21:25Well, you're lucky, man.
00:21:26I got girls, twins.
00:21:28And they wake up every morning
00:21:29literally plotting ways to torture me.
00:21:31This morning, they replaced my toothpaste
00:21:34with my wife's Vagisil.
00:21:36Really?
00:21:37Vagisil.
00:21:38That ain't shit.
00:21:39Yesterday, my stepson asked me when I was going to die.
00:21:43I told him, listen, I don't know that.
00:21:45I...
00:21:46That's up to God.
00:21:48He said, well, when God does take you,
00:21:50can I have your van?
00:21:52He's five.
00:21:53Well, at least he likes trucks.
00:21:54Fuck that, dude.
00:21:55Jeremy pissed on my khakis, man.
00:21:56My kid's worse.
00:21:57My son's shit in my sock drawer.
00:21:59I stand corrected.
00:22:00It was in the top drawer.
00:22:02So he blamed it on the cat,
00:22:04but I know it wasn't the cat
00:22:06because there were jujubes in the shit
00:22:08after I looked in it.
00:22:09You know, I'm talking about Malleable.
00:22:11And that means that he crawled up onto the fucking dresser,
00:22:16turned around, grabbed onto the mirror,
00:22:18and then fucking opened the top drawer
00:22:20and then shit into the top drawer.
00:22:23In the mirror, he was looking at himself,
00:22:26knowing what he was doing,
00:22:27shitting in my sock drawer.
00:22:29And if you think I won't shit in his backpack now,
00:22:32you got another thing coming.
00:22:33Wayne.
00:22:34I have it actually in the trunk,
00:22:35and I'm not saying we all have to do it, but...
00:22:37I'm going to pencil you in for twice a week.
00:22:39Thanks.
00:22:40And as for you, Gary,
00:22:41birthdays are a very special time for kids.
00:22:44If you step up on this,
00:22:46it could be a great breakthrough for both of you.
00:22:50If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
00:22:55If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
00:22:58If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
00:23:07Oh!
00:23:08Honestly, it's like Lord of the Flies.
00:23:10It's very cool, it's really cool.
00:23:11Everybody good?
00:23:12Great?
00:23:13Good?
00:23:14Honey, this is amazing.
00:23:16Thank you so much for helping out.
00:23:18Where did you find the clown?
00:23:20Oh, I have my connections.
00:23:22Hey, do you think Lucas is enjoying himself?
00:23:25Yeah.
00:23:26Yeah?
00:23:27Of course he is.
00:23:28Oh, hey, Gabriel.
00:23:29Hey, fastball.
00:23:30Hey, Al.
00:23:31Nice catch, buddy.
00:23:32Thanks.
00:23:33This is a great party you guys got going on here.
00:23:36Thank you.
00:23:37Do you guys know my wife, Wendy?
00:23:38Hi.
00:23:39Hi.
00:23:40Nice to meet you.
00:23:41You too.
00:23:42I'm Samantha, this is Gary.
00:23:43And is that your boy, Lucas?
00:23:44Yeah.
00:23:45Birthday boy.
00:23:46He's so cute.
00:23:47Gary, you want another drink, man?
00:23:48I'll make a Killer Mantini, bro.
00:23:50Come on.
00:23:51Let's go get gross.
00:23:52Okay.
00:23:53Come on.
00:23:54Go have fun.
00:23:55Cheers.
00:23:56He's doing it.
00:23:57Mm-hmm.
00:23:58His real dad is a total fucking loser.
00:24:01Sits at home all day long, smoking pot,
00:24:03just to keep himself from freaking out, man.
00:24:05Honestly, that's no way to raise a kid.
00:24:06You gotta stay sharp if you wanna raise a kid.
00:24:08Oh, we gotta be ready at a moment's call.
00:24:09You never know what's gonna happen.
00:24:10In some ways, we're kind of like first responders.
00:24:12That's real.
00:24:13Cheers to getting hammered and staying sharp.
00:24:15All right.
00:24:16Cheers, brothers.
00:24:19Dude, where did you find this clown?
00:24:21Oh.
00:24:22Yeah, your clown's kind of blowing it, bro.
00:24:24Oh, he was supposed to be good.
00:24:26So what's up with Lucas' real dad?
00:24:27Do you have to deal with him much?
00:24:29No, actually, Samantha doesn't even like talking about him.
00:24:31Consider yourself lucky.
00:24:32One thing I hate more than anything
00:24:34is taking the kids to their real dad's house.
00:24:36They come home with stories like,
00:24:38Oh, my God, he's so awesome.
00:24:39He let us play Minecraft for, like, 17 hours straight.
00:24:42And then I gotta deal with their rage, you know?
00:24:44I don't know, man.
00:24:45If I were you, I'd really find out about the kid's dad,
00:24:47because that DNA stuff can be really wicked.
00:24:50You gotta find out if he's got DNA, dude.
00:24:52No, we all have DNA, guys.
00:24:53Oh.
00:24:54I'm not sure we do.
00:24:55I thought it was the DNA, like the...
00:24:56No, DNA.
00:24:57I got a funny one.
00:24:58It's like your genes.
00:25:00The kid has it.
00:25:01He's definitely got it, bro.
00:25:02No, it's not a disease.
00:25:04No.
00:25:05It's actually...
00:25:06Yeah, you don't want it.
00:25:07No, we all have DNA.
00:25:08I do?
00:25:09I don't know.
00:25:11Never mind!
00:25:12That clown is fucking awesome!
00:25:14Whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:25:15Ah!
00:25:16Ah!
00:25:17Ah!
00:25:18Ah!
00:25:19Ah!
00:25:20Ah!
00:25:21Ah!
00:25:22Ah!
00:25:23Looks like it kind of couldn't have worked out better.
00:25:25Yeah.
00:25:26Is that part of his act?
00:25:27Oh, that's not his act.
00:25:28I am so, so sorry about all this.
00:25:31You know what?
00:25:32Here's a little something-upster for you.
00:25:34I'm so sorry.
00:25:37I'm sorry.
00:25:38The child.
00:25:40He did this to me.
00:25:42He made me do it.
00:25:45He made me...
00:25:46Ah!
00:25:47Ah!
00:25:48Ah!
00:25:49Ah!
00:25:50Ah!
00:25:51Ah!
00:25:52Ah!
00:25:53Ah!
00:25:54Ah!
00:25:55Ah!
00:25:56Ah!
00:25:57Ah!
00:25:58Ah!
00:25:59Ah!
00:26:00Ah!
00:26:01Ah!
00:26:02Ah!
00:26:03Ah!
00:26:04Ah!
00:26:05Ah!
00:26:07Yeah, who's there?
00:26:08Oh, hi, it's Gary Bloom from the wedding.
00:26:11Did you come alone?
00:26:13Yeah, I came alone.
00:26:15Were you followed?
00:26:17No.
00:26:18Come on up.
00:26:19Third floor.
00:26:21Hello?
00:26:24Hello?
00:26:27Carl?
00:26:30Carl?
00:26:33Carl?
00:26:36Carl?
00:26:39Carl?
00:26:42Carl?
00:26:45Carl?
00:26:48Carl?
00:26:53Hello?
00:26:58Huh.
00:27:00Oh, my...
00:27:01Gary, thank you for coming.
00:27:03You need to see this.
00:27:09Check out this shot right here.
00:27:12It's amazing, right?
00:27:14The way the sunlight bangs up against the lens like that.
00:27:17Yeah, sorry, what...
00:27:18Why is the camera, like, swinging all over the place?
00:27:21Were you not able to afford a tripod with the money we gave you, or...?
00:27:25A tripod?
00:27:26Yeah.
00:27:27Let me ask you something.
00:27:28Did, uh...
00:27:29Scorsese ever use a tripod?
00:27:32Fellini?
00:27:33Cassavetes?
00:27:34I don't know.
00:27:35I mean, this isn't Goodfellas.
00:27:36This is our wedding video.
00:27:38Well, geez, thank you very much, Leonard Maltin.
00:27:40Your review will be taken into very serious consideration.
00:27:43I gotta ask you something.
00:27:45Did your film win Best Short Doc at the Orinda Film Festival last year?
00:27:50Mine...
00:27:51Did it?
00:27:52No.
00:27:53Because mine did.
00:27:54Okay.
00:27:55That's correct.
00:27:56Anyway, I think we have bigger fish to fry here
00:27:59than your apparent lack of knowledge about cinema, don't you?
00:28:03Sure.
00:28:05See, I thought that it was strange
00:28:07when the preacher at your wedding started speaking in tongues.
00:28:10Sorry, no, that was Latin.
00:28:11No, no, no, no.
00:28:12I thought it was Latin initially, too,
00:28:13because I have a very keen ear for language as a filmmaker,
00:28:16but I put those words into Google translations and nothing.
00:28:19What?
00:28:20No known language.
00:28:22And that's Google, man.
00:28:24Listen, you have to listen to this.
00:28:25Listen carefully.
00:28:26Open your ears.
00:28:27It does not sound like Latin.
00:28:32So I slowed down the footage.
00:28:35And I played it in reverse.
00:28:37Vow to protect the child, come hellfire or brimstone.
00:28:45Okay, why are you playing my wedding video in reverse?
00:28:48I think the more important question here
00:28:51is why is the preacher at your wedding
00:28:53asking you to vow to protect the child in reverse?
00:28:57Yeah, that's a little odd, too.
00:28:59You bet your ass it's odd.
00:29:01When the tornado first struck at your wedding,
00:29:03I thought that was really, really just rotten luck.
00:29:06But the more I thought about it, the more I realized
00:29:08it wasn't chance that ruined your wedding.
00:29:12It was Satan.
00:29:13Okay, um, I think I'm going to get...
00:29:16No, no, no, no, no, Gary, hold on, wait, wait.
00:29:18Just watch, watch this, watch, watch.
00:29:23Uncle Scott, I didn't even know he made it.
00:29:29No, no, no, pay him no mind.
00:29:32What you need to be paying attention to
00:29:34is right there in the background.
00:29:36Those winds were hitting at 150 miles per hour.
00:29:42Yet not one hair on his head is moving.
00:29:48Why?
00:29:51He's wearing a lot of hair gel.
00:29:54There's a barn being ripped to shreds
00:29:58directly behind him in frame.
00:30:00And look at him.
00:30:03That is not normal.
00:30:06Does that seem normal to you?
00:30:10I did some research,
00:30:12because I fucking love researching things.
00:30:19Here it is.
00:30:21There is a religious group,
00:30:23or a doomsday cult, what have you.
00:30:26They believe that a child will rise up from hell
00:30:30to rule mankind
00:30:32and to bring on the end of the world as we know it.
00:30:36I think we found that child.
00:30:40He has risen from the bowels of hell.
00:30:44And now you're his stepdad.
00:30:51You...
00:30:53I know.
00:30:54You need to...
00:30:57to use your tripod.
00:30:59It's fucking cinema verite, man.
00:31:01I think we're gonna pass.
00:31:02No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
00:31:03Everyone your wife ever dated is dead.
00:31:06Look at this. Look, look, look.
00:31:08Lightning strike.
00:31:11A heart attack at 32.
00:31:15A freak mulching accident.
00:31:18Wait, what did you just say?
00:31:21They're all dead. All of them.
00:31:24All except for one.
00:31:30Gabriel Winthorpe.
00:31:34I found his address on the internet.
00:31:38Okay.
00:31:40We need to go talk to him.
00:31:46You think about it, Gare.
00:31:48You call me when you come to your senses.
00:31:50I have all the equipment already.
00:31:52We can use the tripod, Gare!
00:31:59Fuck.
00:32:08Hey!
00:32:10Hey, buddy. What's up?
00:32:13What are you doing?
00:32:14You just coloring in the dark there?
00:32:17Cool.
00:32:18Hey.
00:32:27Isn't it, uh, past your bedtime?
00:32:38Want me to turn off the light, or...
00:32:41Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much, Wendy.
00:32:44I really appreciate it. Okay.
00:32:46I know. I know.
00:32:48I hope Jeremy's nightmares aren't too bad tonight, too.
00:32:54Okay. I know. Yeah, okay.
00:32:56I'll see you then. Bye-bye.
00:33:01Child Protective Service has called.
00:33:03What?
00:33:04Apparently, they need help.
00:33:06Child Protective Service has called.
00:33:08What?
00:33:09Apparently, they had calls from parents
00:33:11saying that we had a dangerous clown at our party,
00:33:13and now their children are going to be in therapy
00:33:15for the rest of their lives.
00:33:16Gary, where did you find that clown?
00:33:18On the internet. I don't know.
00:33:20Sweetie, you can't just pick any clown off the internet.
00:33:24Come on, you're a parent.
00:33:25Now you have to hope for the best,
00:33:27but you prepare for the worst.
00:33:29That's a good point, hon.
00:33:30I'll stick to that from now on.
00:33:33Oh, man.
00:33:34They're sending someone here.
00:33:37Tomorrow.
00:33:38Wendy said she would come and she would help support.
00:33:41But, Gary, you need to be there, too.
00:33:44Okay?
00:33:46Sweetie?
00:33:47Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there.
00:33:49Really? Gary?
00:33:52Yeah.
00:33:54I will be there.
00:33:57You know, today I met with our wedding videographer.
00:34:00Oh, God, I thought we agreed we weren't going to relive that.
00:34:03No, no, I know, but I just wanted to see if we could salvage it.
00:34:07And?
00:34:08We can't.
00:34:09Oh.
00:34:13Could you remember the preacher when he started speaking Latin?
00:34:17Oh, such a romantic language.
00:34:19Yeah, well, as it turns out, he wasn't speaking Latin.
00:34:22Backwards.
00:34:26Okay, Gary, what was he saying?
00:34:29He made me vow to protect the child come hellfire or brimstone.
00:34:34I'm serious, Sam.
00:34:35Well, at least he made a good point.
00:34:37In reverse?
00:34:38Why would he make his point in reverse?
00:34:40I don't know, Gary.
00:34:41I mean, I'm sure people make points in reverse all the time.
00:34:44I don't know, Gary.
00:34:45I mean, I'm sure people make points in reverse all the time.
00:34:47I don't know, Gary.
00:34:48I mean, I'm sure people make points in reverse all the time.
00:34:51I'm pretty sure they don't.
00:34:54I mean, maybe Ozzy Osbourne, but that's it.
00:35:06So, Gar, what are you saying?
00:35:09I don't know, I'm just sort of...
00:35:11Look, I'm wondering again about Lucas's biological father.
00:35:15What does that have anything to do with anything?
00:35:17You're his father now.
00:35:18Well, yeah.
00:35:19I told you parenting would be hard, and you said you were up for it.
00:35:23I did.
00:35:24I did say that.
00:35:25So, okay, so you just need to take all this stress
00:35:28and crumple it in a little ball and throw it away.
00:35:31Maybe you're right.
00:35:32Of course I'm right.
00:35:34I don't know, I'm just sort of...
00:35:36Crumple it in a little ball and throw it away.
00:35:39Maybe you're right.
00:35:40Of course I'm right.
00:35:42I mean, why don't you just get out of these,
00:35:46and I will give you a massage,
00:35:49and then we'll take it from there.
00:35:51Somebody put Lucas to bed?
00:35:54I tucked him in an hour ago.
00:36:03Oh, man, that feels so good.
00:36:06Baby, listen, I know that we're an unconventional family.
00:36:10I mean, we're not totally normal.
00:36:14And the way Lucas was conceived wasn't exactly ideal.
00:36:21But at least we're together, right?
00:36:24Yeah, yeah, I agree 100%.
00:36:28Hey, remind me again how Lucas was conceived?
00:36:32Promise you won't judge?
00:36:34Of course not.
00:36:35Oh, man, that's a spot right there.
00:36:38Okay.
00:36:39You remember when I told you about that crazy time in my 20s
00:36:43where I dropped out of school and then I joined that sort of, like, cult?
00:36:49Uh, no, I don't think you told me about that.
00:36:53Well, I guess they were pretty shocked to find out that I was a virgin still,
00:36:57and so they threw this huge ceremony for me
00:37:01where they all got dressed up in these long, flowy black robes,
00:37:04and they wore these elaborate masks,
00:37:07and there were all kinds of herbs, lots of herbs.
00:37:12Okay.
00:37:14Anyway, they were chanting, and then they put me in this star,
00:37:17and they covered me in this warm, red body paint.
00:37:24And then?
00:37:25I don't really know.
00:37:27I must have blacked out because I had this terrible nightmare.
00:37:32But when I woke up, I left, and I never looked back.
00:37:43What?
00:37:45I told you it wasn't ideal.
00:37:47You said you wouldn't judge.
00:37:49I'm not judging.
00:37:50I'm just saying maybe this is the sort of thing we talk about before we get married.
00:37:54I was young, and maybe I was a little naive, right?
00:37:58But, Garrett, I wouldn't change anything, even if I could,
00:38:02because now I have Lucas.
00:38:05Hi, honey.
00:38:06Hey, buddy.
00:38:08Are you okay, honey?
00:38:10Are you still upset about that clown Gary hired?
00:38:14Yeah.
00:38:15You want to sleep with us tonight?
00:38:17Um, don't you think?
00:38:19Never mind.
00:38:20Come on in, buddy.
00:38:23Let's have a sleepover.
00:38:28All right, snuggle up.
00:38:31Get cozy.
00:38:33Ain't no burning clowns in your dreams.
00:38:38Tomorrow's a new day.
00:38:58Oh, God.
00:39:28Oh, God.
00:39:58She said he was conceived out of a nightmare during some satanic cult ritual.
00:40:02She's probably young and need the money.
00:40:04Doesn't mean anything.
00:40:05Okay, what about the clown?
00:40:06Do you think that was normal?
00:40:07No.
00:40:08No, that was definitely an unusual clown.
00:40:10Okay, well, this is going to sound nuts,
00:40:12but I think there's a chance that maybe he caused a tornado at my wedding.
00:40:17Who, the clown?
00:40:18No, dude, Lucas.
00:40:19Yeah, right.
00:40:21Yeah, that freaky little kid definitely caused a tornado at the party.
00:40:24No, listen to me.
00:40:25I had worms coming out of my nose last night.
00:40:28Jesus.
00:40:29That's like a serious hygiene issue, man.
00:40:31Well, maybe it was a dream.
00:40:32I don't know.
00:40:33Still, you should probably get that looked at.
00:40:34This must be it.
00:40:39You sure you want to do this, man?
00:40:41I hate meeting my wife's exes.
00:40:49What are you doing?
00:40:52Please.
00:41:00Hey.
00:41:01Yo, excuse me.
00:41:03Hey.
00:41:04Hi.
00:41:05She has begun to cry.
00:41:08Tears of blood.
00:41:11Is that right?
00:41:13We're looking for a guy named Gabriel.
00:41:16Do you know him?
00:41:19Gabriel cannot be disturbed.
00:41:22Okay, well, he used to know my wife.
00:41:26I just have a few questions for him,
00:41:28mostly about my weird little stepson, Lucas.
00:41:32Follow me.
00:41:34Speak no words.
00:41:36Okay.
00:41:49Ah!
00:41:55Ah!
00:41:59Gabriel!
00:42:01You have guests.
00:42:07Um...
00:42:11Hey.
00:42:12Hi.
00:42:13I'm Gary.
00:42:15Um, this is my friend Al,
00:42:17and, uh, you know, we're...
00:42:20well, we're stepdads.
00:42:22Get in line.
00:42:23Okay.
00:42:24Uh, I think maybe you used to know, um,
00:42:29my wife, Samantha, my little stepson, Lucas.
00:42:32God, forgive me, for I have fainted!
00:42:35Could you stop with the flagellating, please?
00:42:37This is why I'm happy we're in therapy.
00:42:39This is the kind of shit that happens
00:42:40when you don't talk stuff out.
00:42:42The end is near.
00:42:43Oh, Lord, please do not blame me for what cannot be stopped!
00:42:46I think maybe we should just go.
00:42:48You must travel to the old marketplace
00:42:50in the city of Bethlehem.
00:42:51Seek out the demon hunter, Gozemel.
00:42:54Only he can help you now.
00:42:56Bethlehem?
00:42:57And they that dwell upon the earth
00:42:59did wonder, seeing the beast,
00:43:01that it was a thing.
00:43:03And is not, and yet now is.
00:43:07I'm not following.
00:43:09Revelation chapter 17.
00:43:13The child!
00:43:15He is the Antichrist!
00:43:18Okay.
00:43:21Okay, thanks.
00:43:23And, uh, thank you for welcoming us
00:43:26into your beautiful home.
00:43:28And, uh, we're gonna let you get back to your stuff.
00:43:32You know?
00:43:34Let's go.
00:43:36Ah!
00:43:38Ah!
00:43:41I gotta tell you, man,
00:43:43I'm feeling so much better about Jeremy right now.
00:43:45I mean, he's a spoiled little shit,
00:43:47but at least he's not the fucking Antichrist.
00:43:49Seriously?
00:43:51Seriously.
00:43:56Wasn't there, like, a sign or anything when you were dating?
00:44:00Well, I mean, it all moved so fast.
00:44:02I figured he'd warm up to me at some point.
00:44:04Yeah, but you must have had some kind of indication
00:44:06that that kid is, like, pure fucking evil.
00:44:08Yeah, Al, all the time.
00:44:10But you told me that was normal, that all kids are dicks.
00:44:13That's true. Kids are dicks, man.
00:44:15But this is a different level.
00:44:17He's, like, top of the dick chain, bro.
00:44:19Two minutes.
00:44:22You could get a divorce.
00:44:24No, I don't want a divorce, Al.
00:44:26Okay? Samantha's perfect.
00:44:28She's everything I ever wanted.
00:44:30Well, she comes with some pretty hefty fucking baggage.
00:44:32Al, it is not an option.
00:44:34Okay.
00:44:39J.D. Gospel have begun stocking up
00:44:41on canned goods, rice, beans...
00:44:43That's the guy that bought the nunnery.
00:44:45...and alcohol. When is the end actually coming?
00:44:47Hey, I think maybe we should go find this guy Gozamel.
00:44:51Maybe he could help us out.
00:44:54Yeah, look, man, I don't know if I told you this,
00:44:56but I'm coaching Jeremy's little baseball team,
00:44:58so for me, getting to Bethlehem, Israel,
00:45:00is just a little out of the question.
00:45:02Just right now is not a good time. I get it.
00:45:04It's not a good time. Well, there you have it.
00:45:06I'm Samantha Hernandez reporting live
00:45:08from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
00:45:10Next up, cremation...
00:45:20Excuse me.
00:45:22Um, we're looking for a guy named Gozamel.
00:45:24He's busy. Oh, that's great. He's here.
00:45:26Um, we really, really need to see him.
00:45:28Yeah, we're on a mission from God.
00:45:31Gozamel to Cashier. Gozamel to Cashier.
00:45:36Gozamel to Cashier.
00:45:42Um, Gozamel?
00:45:45I'm Gozamel. You guys are looking for me?
00:45:49So what makes you think your stepson is the spawn of Satan?
00:45:52Well, he's just this really weird little kid.
00:45:54Super weird, dude. And he has these beady little eyes
00:45:57that, like, bore into your soul.
00:45:59Very beady little eyes. And he manipulates people
00:46:01into doing stuff that they don't want to do.
00:46:03Yeah, like jumping out of buildings,
00:46:05or going backwards.
00:46:07Sounds like your average devil child to me.
00:46:09This is me.
00:46:11When's his birthday?
00:46:13Well, we just had his birthday party,
00:46:15but his real birthday is the 6th of June.
00:46:17How old is he turning?
00:46:19Six.
00:46:21Oh, shit, it's him. It's him.
00:46:23You want some help with that?
00:46:25No, no, I've got it.
00:46:27Oh.
00:46:29Listen, you're gonna crush those buttons.
00:46:31I got it.
00:46:33Let's go.
00:46:35But hold on, we drove.
00:46:37It's the end of the world. We'll drop you off afterward.
00:46:39Come on.
00:46:41I'm good with that. Come on, buddy.
00:46:43Let's go save the world, man.
00:46:45Whoo!
00:46:59I have been prepping for this my entire life.
00:47:01Great news, man.
00:47:03Yeah, we're really glad we found you.
00:47:05Thanks. Hey, I got some donuts and beer in the cooler
00:47:07if you guys want any.
00:47:09No way! Score!
00:47:11Hey, is there a seatbelt back here?
00:47:13Seatbelt? You don't even have a fucking seatbelt.
00:47:15This is the end of the world.
00:47:17There are no rules.
00:47:19I'd still kind of like to have a seatbelt.
00:47:21When I was a kid, my father told me
00:47:23I have a destiny, and my destiny
00:47:25was to save the world.
00:47:27That must have been a pretty heavy talk.
00:47:29Because he was dying in my arms.
00:47:31But then he bequeathed onto me the knife of destiny.
00:47:33And he told me,
00:47:35you take that little antichrist fuck
00:47:37up to hallowed ground, and you stab him right in the chest.
00:47:39I'm sorry, what?
00:47:41You got to do it by 6 p.m. on June the 6th.
00:47:43Man, I was getting worried.
00:47:45I didn't think it was going to happen.
00:47:47No, no, no. What did you say about a knife?
00:47:49Knife of destiny, yeah. It's in the little chest of drawers
00:47:51that I built in on the side.
00:47:53I wanted to make sure it was next to me at all times.
00:47:55Mm-hmm.
00:47:57Yeah, that's it.
00:47:59That knife will kill anybody.
00:48:01No, we are not stabbing my stepson in the chest.
00:48:03Yeah, dude, his wife's already pretty upset.
00:48:05They're not getting along around the house.
00:48:07I don't think that's going to help anything.
00:48:09All right, well, we'll burn him alive or drown him,
00:48:11as long as it's on hallowed ground.
00:48:13What? No, we're not doing any of those things.
00:48:15What did you think I was going to do, play footsie with him?
00:48:17I don't know, exercise him?
00:48:19You can't exercise the antichrist, bro.
00:48:21Let's sacrifice a goat, something like that.
00:48:23Yeah, a goat.
00:48:25A decent goat.
00:48:27I'm just brainstorming.
00:48:29All right, well, there is this myth
00:48:31about someone called the Keymaster
00:48:33and that he could save the world
00:48:35without having to kill the kid.
00:48:37We could bury the lead, man.
00:48:39Yeah, let's go find the Keymaster.
00:48:41There's no fucking Keymaster.
00:48:43I made it up.
00:48:45Ghostbusters, remember?
00:48:47Here, hand me that thing.
00:48:49Ghostbusters, you didn't make it up.
00:48:51Don't worry, guys.
00:48:53There's literally nothing that can happen.
00:48:55Don't look out!
00:49:13Holy crap, man.
00:49:15You okay?
00:49:17I think I'm all right.
00:49:19It's a good thing you're wearing your seatbelt.
00:49:21Holy shit.
00:49:23Whoa.
00:49:25Gozer!
00:49:27Gozer, you little demon hunter!
00:49:29Where you at, bud?
00:49:31Gozer!
00:49:33Over here!
00:49:37Oh, shit.
00:49:41Shit.
00:49:45I'm sorry I let you down.
00:49:47I'm sorry I let you down, daddy.
00:49:49Buddy, you didn't let your dad down, man.
00:49:53You're the stepfather.
00:49:55His destiny
00:49:57is in your hands now.
00:50:01When the time is nigh,
00:50:03you'll get a sign
00:50:05from above.
00:50:09Look for
00:50:11the
00:50:13light.
00:50:15Gozer.
00:50:17Gozer.
00:50:19Gozer, buddy.
00:50:21Good!
00:50:23I told you we should've fuckin' caravaned!
00:50:25Okay, in hindsight, that might've been a better idea.
00:50:27God, this is crazy.
00:50:29Oh, my God, this is so crazy.
00:50:31Dude, bro, you gotta relax, man.
00:50:33How can I relax? We're in a cornfield.
00:50:35What good thing has ever happened in a cornfield, Al?
00:50:37Well, I don't know.
00:50:39Field of Dreams is pretty cool.
00:50:43Okay.
00:50:45All right, all right.
00:50:47All right, we're not that far.
00:50:49We're gonna walk home.
00:50:51Well, are we just gonna leave him here?
00:50:53God, fuck.
00:50:55Give me the knife. Give me the knife.
00:50:57I'm coming, bro!
00:50:59All I wanted was to get married
00:51:01and be happy.
00:51:03Have a normal life.
00:51:05Nobody has a normal life, man.
00:51:07No, I know, but, like,
00:51:09in the realm of normal, there's a realm.
00:51:11It's like a stepkid's a little evil.
00:51:13It's not like it's the end of the world.
00:51:15Okay, wait, maybe in this case it actually is,
00:51:17but I'm a stepdad, too.
00:51:19You know what that means?
00:51:21I would never leave you on the battlefield, brother.
00:51:23I wouldn't do it.
00:51:25You know, can we just try walking in silence
00:51:27the rest of the way?
00:51:29Oh, yeah, man, no problem.
00:51:31Was I talking too much?
00:51:33Total silence, no problem.
00:51:35The house is right up here.
00:51:37Oh, we made it. We're home.
00:51:39We're home. Jacob E.J.
00:51:41But that's not him, is it?
00:51:43Yeah.
00:51:45He loves to swing.
00:51:47Okay.
00:51:49All right, look, brother,
00:51:51I gotta get out of here. We'll catch up tomorrow, right?
00:51:53Cool.
00:51:55Wait, what happened to not leaving a soldier on the battlefield?
00:51:57I'm not leaving you, man.
00:51:59I'm not leaving you, like, forever.
00:52:01But right now,
00:52:03it's getting kind of late. It's past my bedtime.
00:52:05I gotta get my snoozies in,
00:52:07because I get real fucking cranky.
00:52:09Take this.
00:52:11Take it. Take it.
00:52:13What the hell am I gonna do with this?
00:52:15I don't know, man. He's just a kid, and you're a fucking warrior.
00:52:17I gotta go.
00:52:19I gotta do crosswalk duty in the morning, man.
00:52:21I gotta go. Ow!
00:52:31Oh, fuck.
00:52:33Oh, shit.
00:52:35You know,
00:52:37Gary really is
00:52:39just the kindest man.
00:52:41He is so good to us.
00:52:43He hasn't totally got
00:52:45the parenting thing.
00:52:47Gary. Yop.
00:52:49Gary. Hi. Come in, please.
00:52:51You remember Wendy, right, from the party?
00:52:53And this is Mrs. Shalock
00:52:55from Child Protective Services.
00:52:57Oh, hi. Hello.
00:52:59Very nice to meet you.
00:53:01I am so sorry for being late.
00:53:03I was racing home from work.
00:53:05You work in a cornfield?
00:53:07Uh, no.
00:53:09No. No.
00:53:11I'm in real estate. Oh.
00:53:13And I go walking in cornfields
00:53:15at night, sometimes to gather my thoughts.
00:53:17Well, then I would
00:53:19love for you to share them with us right now.
00:53:21No, I don't. Mr. Bloom, please have a seat.
00:53:23Come on. Okay. Can I just... I'm sorry.
00:53:25Um, I was just telling
00:53:27Miss Shalock how you are
00:53:29trying. Gary.
00:53:31How you are trying
00:53:33so hard to reach out to Lucas.
00:53:35That's right. Yeah. Yeah.
00:53:37I'm, uh, I am trying.
00:53:39It's always so hard for stepdads.
00:53:41Tell me, Mr. Bloom,
00:53:43all the things that you do
00:53:45with the dear boys.
00:53:47Uh, well, I, uh,
00:53:49I'm taking them to school. School.
00:53:51And, uh, I've tried
00:53:53talking to them a bunch of times.
00:53:55You know? Gary helped
00:53:57plan Lucas's birthday party.
00:53:59The one with the burning clown that traumatized
00:54:01all the children. Lucas really looks up to Gary.
00:54:03I mean, like, just tonight, he told me
00:54:05that he didn't want to go to sleep until
00:54:07Gary tucked him in. But I just saw him
00:54:09outside on the swing. Gary, don't
00:54:11be silly. He is upstairs in his bedroom.
00:54:13You know, here's the sweetest thing he said
00:54:15in his little angel voice. Can daddy
00:54:17please tuck me in? He called me daddy.
00:54:19What an angel. Yeah, I've fallen
00:54:21a sleep angel,
00:54:23which I am way too bushed to
00:54:25put down tonight. Just go tuck your son in.
00:54:27He's probably already asleep. Actually, he's probably
00:54:29awake and waiting up for you to tuck him in.
00:54:31Gary! Alright.
00:54:37A little reluctant
00:54:39to tuck. You don't need to write that down.
00:54:41I'll be the judge of that.
00:54:45Alright.
00:54:51Hey, the
00:54:53lights are burned out up here.
00:54:55There's a flashlight on the wall.
00:54:59This is
00:55:01fucking bullshit.
00:55:03Alright.
00:55:05Here we go.
00:55:07Just a fucking
00:55:09five-year-old kid. Nothing to be afraid of.
00:55:13Okay.
00:55:15Alright.
00:55:19Shit!
00:55:21I'm gonna marry a beautiful woman.
00:55:23Oh, hell breaks loose.
00:55:27Alright.
00:55:41Hey, uh,
00:55:43Lucas?
00:55:45Want me to tuck you in, buddy?
00:55:49Lucas? You in here?
00:55:53Jesus.
00:55:57Lucas?
00:56:07You red bar.
00:56:09Arr! I'm Remy the Lion.
00:56:11Wanna play?
00:56:15Not right now.
00:56:17Arr! I'm Remy the Lion.
00:56:19Wanna play?
00:56:21Arr! I'm Remy the Lion.
00:56:23Wanna play?
00:56:27Arr! I'm Remy the Lion.
00:56:29Wanna play?
00:56:33Ah, shut up.
00:56:35I want to play.
00:56:41Samantha! Somebody!
00:56:43Somebody help!
00:56:45Why is it so hard for men?
00:56:47You have to demand more from him.
00:56:49Samantha, somebody!
00:56:51Try reading him a book, you soccer shit!
00:56:55Go.
00:57:01Yes!
00:57:19Fuck.
00:57:49Fuck.
00:58:09Let me tell you.
00:58:11Whatever a child is going through emotionally,
00:58:13it's natural for them to act out in physical ways.
00:58:15Please remember,
00:58:17it is never the child's fault.
00:58:19No matter what happens,
00:58:21it is never the child's fault.
00:58:39It was very nice to meet you, Mrs. Bloom.
00:58:41Of course you know I'm going to keep
00:58:43a very close eye on you and your family.
00:58:45Of course, it's fine.
00:58:47Very nice to meet you too.
00:58:49Wendy.
00:58:51Yes, I think you're parked in front of me.
00:58:53Oh, I'll be right out.
00:58:59What the hell is going on
00:59:01with that idiot husband of yours?
00:59:03I have no idea.
00:59:05I am so angry right now I could scream.
00:59:07Oh, it's him.
00:59:09He must be too scared to come downstairs.
00:59:11Wendy, thank you so much for your support.
00:59:13I would not have done it without you tonight.
00:59:15Please get that woman out of my driveway.
00:59:17Happily.
00:59:21Gary, what on earth are you doing?
00:59:23You're evil.
00:59:25You little speck me in the back.
00:59:27Gary, stop yelling, okay?
00:59:29You know I can't understand you when...
00:59:31Your evil fucking son.
00:59:43Lucas?
00:59:45Honey?
00:59:49So creative.
00:59:53Gary, where is Lucas?
00:59:55Okay, okay, I'm sorry that I yelled before.
00:59:57It's probably because I'm getting a little oxygen deprived.
00:59:59Where are you?
01:00:01I'm in the backyard. Bring a shovel and come as fast as you can
01:00:03or I'm going to die.
01:00:13Gary!
01:00:15Lucas!
01:00:19That's it!
01:00:21I have outdone that.
01:00:33Oh my God, Gary!
01:00:35Gary, say something. Are you okay?
01:00:37Say something.
01:00:39I want a divorce!
01:00:41Don't say that.
01:00:43Get out of there, Gary.
01:00:45Oh, can I? Thanks.
01:00:49Gary, please don't overreact, okay?
01:00:51I know he didn't mean to.
01:00:53He didn't mean to?
01:00:55He just wanted you to read him a book.
01:00:57I'm pretty sure that's not what he wanted.
01:00:59I should have insisted that you two spend more time together
01:01:01before we got married.
01:01:03Oh, yeah, that would have been great,
01:01:05getting to know him a little bit better.
01:01:07You've really outdone yourself, Gary.
01:01:09Congratulations.
01:01:11I tried reaching out.
01:01:13You drove him to school.
01:01:15You tried talking to him a few times.
01:01:17Excuse me if I didn't buy you a dad of the year month.
01:01:19He buried me alive, Sam.
01:01:21Children act out because they don't know how to express their emotions.
01:01:23You're the adult.
01:01:25You were supposed to help him,
01:01:27but you won't even look at my son
01:01:29because he's not yours.
01:01:31That is not why.
01:01:33Then why?
01:01:35Because he's the fucking antichrist, Sam!
01:01:37Listen to me.
01:01:39No.
01:01:41Sam!
01:01:43Come on, Lucas.
01:01:47Sam!
01:01:57Oh, great.
01:01:59Now it's raining blood, Sam!
01:02:01Not cool, Lucas!
01:02:03Not cool!
01:02:05Fundamentals! Fundamentals!
01:02:07It was awful.
01:02:09It was just the whole thing.
01:02:11Indescribably awful.
01:02:13I know what you mean, man.
01:02:15We've all been there.
01:02:17No, you haven't.
01:02:19Come on, Jeremy. On the ball. Let's go.
01:02:21That's okay. That's okay, buddy.
01:02:23There you go.
01:02:25Look, I hate to say it, man,
01:02:27but I think you might actually have to kill the kid.
01:02:29No, I can't do it.
01:02:31Dude, Gregory pecked head in the omen.
01:02:33No, he didn't.
01:02:35He got shot before he could do it.
01:02:37And I'm pretty sure that everyone thought
01:02:39he was an awful father after that.
01:02:41Well, we already think that about you, so...
01:02:43What? Who said that?
01:02:45No, buddy, just my wife and all her friends.
01:02:47What?
01:02:49The school board.
01:02:51Look, man, I didn't want to tell you this, okay?
01:02:53Because I didn't want to get jealous.
01:02:55But I won the dad ball this morning.
01:02:57What?
01:02:59Isn't that awesome?
01:03:03Yeah.
01:03:05I know. It's awesome.
01:03:07It made me realize that there's a lot to live for, you know?
01:03:09And a lot of innocent people are gonna go to hell.
01:03:11I know. I know.
01:03:13Maybe not totally innocent, but people, man.
01:03:15Okay. Okay. That's not cool.
01:03:17You're right.
01:03:19You know, you don't have to make it look like you did it.
01:03:21You could just take him to King Willie's Waterpark,
01:03:23get him some floaties, fill him with sand,
01:03:25push him down that big-ass slide,
01:03:27and nature's gonna take its course.
01:03:29That shit happens all the time.
01:03:31That place is a real safety hazard.
01:03:33Well, it has to be on hallowed ground.
01:03:35Dude, I'm pretty sure that King Willie's Waterpark is hallowed ground, okay?
01:03:37The Pope blessed that place.
01:03:39Well, Sam's never gonna let me near him again anyway.
01:03:41Go over there, bring her some flowers, man.
01:03:43And tell her you're sorry that you called her kid the Antichrist.
01:03:45I do that shit all the time.
01:03:47Sometimes he deserves it.
01:03:49More soup, y'all!
01:03:51There you go.
01:04:01Hey.
01:04:03Hey.
01:04:05I am...
01:04:07really sorry about what I said.
01:04:09But you said some really awful things, Gar.
01:04:11Awful things.
01:04:13I want to turn this around, Sam. I really do.
01:04:15I want to be the man, the father,
01:04:17that I know I can be.
01:04:19Look, I know it's his birthday today,
01:04:21and I'd love if I could just have a little father-son time with him.
01:04:23Maybe teach him to swim?
01:04:25We have a little father-son time with him.
01:04:27Maybe teach him to swim?
01:04:51Lucas doesn't know how to swim.
01:04:55Well, uh, that's what we're here for, Reroy.
01:04:57Teach Lucas how to swim.
01:05:00Ready to go up that big one there?
01:05:04OK, well, how about this?
01:05:05How about we, uh, we just go play around,
01:05:07work up our courage?
01:05:08Sound good, Reroy?
01:05:09All right, don't worry, buddy.
01:05:10We're going to have a blast.
01:05:12OK?
01:05:12Let's go.
01:05:15I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
01:05:19I can see all obstacles in my way.
01:05:27Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
01:05:36It's going to be a bright, bright, bright, bright,
01:05:40sunshiny day.
01:05:44It's going to be a bright, bright, bright, bright,
01:05:48sunshiny day.
01:05:49Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's it.
01:05:52That's it.
01:05:55I got you.
01:05:57Oh my god, are you laughing?
01:05:59I don't think I've ever seen you laugh before.
01:06:07Aw, you and your son look really cute together.
01:06:11Do you want me to take a picture?
01:06:12Oh, no, that's all right.
01:06:13Really?
01:06:14It's no problem.
01:06:15Sure, yeah, why not?
01:06:18Yeah.
01:06:20OK, lean in a little closer.
01:06:23A little closer.
01:06:28Great.
01:06:29There you go.
01:06:30Thanks.
01:06:32Lucas is ready for the big slide now.
01:06:48Are you sure?
01:06:49You know what?
01:06:50We actually don't.
01:07:02All right, listen, Lucas.
01:07:04These, uh, these are going to help you float.
01:07:06Hurry it up.
01:07:07We're just going to be one minute.
01:07:08This is his first time, OK?
01:07:11I know that these feel heavy, Lucas,
01:07:13but once they hit the water, they're just
01:07:15going to get much lighter, OK?
01:07:21Oh, my god.
01:07:22Oh, my god.
01:07:23Oh, my god.
01:07:24Oh, my god.
01:07:25Oh, my god.
01:07:26Oh, my god.
01:07:27Oh, my god.
01:07:28Oh, my god.
01:07:29Oh, my god.
01:07:31Listen to me.
01:07:33You don't have to do this.
01:07:34Come on already.
01:07:35I told you he's not ready.
01:07:37Do you understand?
01:07:38Oh!
01:07:41Oh, no.
01:07:42Oh, my god.
01:07:43What the hell am I doing?
01:07:44Oh, what the hell?
01:07:45OK, god, I don't know if you're real or not.
01:07:47If you are, you probably fucking hate me,
01:07:49but you've got to give me a sign here.
01:07:50You've got to give me a sign.
01:07:51You've got to give me a sign.
01:07:53Give me a sign.
01:07:54Give me a sign.
01:07:56Oh, my god.
01:07:57That's it.
01:07:58That's it.
01:07:59That's it.
01:08:01Lucas!
01:08:04It is a pretty sweet water slide.
01:08:06Lucas!
01:08:25Oh
01:08:41My god Lucas
01:08:55I do it again. Yeah
01:09:08Sorry, we lost Reroy evil goat puppet. I'll find you another one. All right
01:09:20Gary
01:09:23Oh, yeah, it's Lucas, sorry, I buried you in the backyard
01:09:30That's all right, I get it
01:09:33Sorry, I put sand in your floaties. That's okay. I get it
01:09:40Yes, I haven't been a very good stepdad
01:09:44You're still here
01:09:46Yeah
01:09:51Lucas can I tell you something?
01:09:53Something I've never told anyone
01:09:56Did you know that I never knew my father growing up?
01:10:00He split on me when I was just a baby
01:10:03So when I was 20 years old, I decided to go find him
01:10:09And when I finally did he told me that I was a worthless loser
01:10:14Would never do anything with his life
01:10:19You know what I decided
01:10:22That I didn't have to listen to my dad
01:10:25You know Lucas I don't care who your real dad is or you were spawned from a cult ritual you are you
01:10:35You can be whoever you want to be. Okay
01:10:38Daddy
01:10:43Yeah, Lucas, I don't want you to die anymore. I don't want you to die anymore either
01:10:49And you're right. My real dad isn't a really good influence on me. No, I don't think he is
01:10:58Hold on do you know your real dad? Well, sometimes he talks to me through my toys in the day
01:11:05Really good reason to limit your TV time and he said he wants full
01:11:11custody
01:11:14Yeah, yeah, it's not good listen
01:11:17Your mom and I will never let that happen. Do you understand I promise?
01:11:24Amber alert
01:11:28That's my license
01:11:36Oh shit Lucas, why don't you finish your ice cream, but you gotta go
01:11:44Okay, okay, what did I do keep them up
01:11:49Don't say that to the officers we're working on manners which honors behind you okay officer
01:11:54I think there's a mistake here because I'm a stiff. Ow. What are you doing?
01:11:59Oh
01:12:02What a scene what a scene thank you officers job very well done the boy is safe now
01:12:09We told you we were gonna keep an eye on you. Oh, mr. Bloom
01:12:13Disappointed us. We thought you were the one we who's we you come with me now
01:12:19Sweetie, the Reverend will be so glad to see you
01:12:22I don't want to
01:12:24No, you can't take him. He's just a child. Sure. He is and I'm just a sweet little old lady who evolved from an amoeba
01:12:32No, you can't do this
01:12:43Look at
01:12:52All right, back up come on
01:13:15Hi Gare, hey, it's me they took Lucas
01:13:19The
01:13:22CPS lady, but it's not my fault. I swear now look
01:13:26She said she's taking him to the Reverend who I think is a cult leader
01:13:29Okay, and they think that Lucas is evil which may or may not be true because let's face it in life
01:13:35He's gonna make his own choices. No matter who his father is Gary. You don't know what you're talking about
01:13:40I'm talking about free will Sam and I'm talking about him being able to be whoever he wants to be now
01:13:46Look, I need you to call the police and settle just a minor little amber alert
01:13:53Hello my dear time to go
01:14:09She's feisty find the knife it's here somewhere
01:14:16Shit
01:14:22Hey, hey you
01:14:26No, no, no, I can't be quiet. You have to come here open this door right now. Come on
01:14:34Hey gotta open this door, okay, my son's in trouble I have to save him come on open the door right now, please
01:14:47Thank you
01:14:49Gotta go, but huh? I owe you one. Okay
01:14:56Save the child. He is our only hope
01:15:16Oh
01:15:36Hey, hey, hi Jeremy, what's up? Is your dad around by any chance? No, my dad left
01:15:42Bank hot woman and get high. How about you? Stepdad? Thanks, buddy. Hey, Gary. What's up? Good to see you
01:15:50Okay, you know me saw these off they're super uncomfortable, yeah, I've been need to talk to you anyway, let's hit the man cave pronto
01:16:03Check this out
01:16:05It seems to say
01:16:07That the evil child is not Satan himself, but a portal to Satan
01:16:10And that by killing him that portal will open and the real Satan can then enter his body and the end of the world will
01:16:17Ensue that's what he was saying about his real father wanting full custody should do that's never good
01:16:24Those guys Gossamel and the Reverend they wanted me to kill Lucas right to bring on the apocalypse
01:16:29But now that you drop that ball, they're gonna do it themselves
01:16:33Okay, but they have to do it on hallowed ground. Yeah, I mean if we knew where that was
01:16:37Maybe we the nunnery out the nunnery. That's why the Reverend he bought the nunnery
01:16:41He's gonna have like a blowout party sacrifice Lucas and open up the doors of hell
01:16:47Doesn't parenting suck. Yes, the place is basically a fortress. There's no way we're gonna be able to get in there
01:16:56Are you doing takes a village you know
01:16:58But how are we gonna get in there? They say there's a reason for everything don't they? I think I found my reason
01:17:07a
01:17:10Monday warrior mean mean stride today's Tom Sawyer mean mean pride
01:17:26Well, it's a big truck no, it's a small truck with big tires this vehicle equipped with airbags
01:17:38Oh
01:17:43Can you go any faster
01:18:07Oh
01:18:14Do you really think you could hide from me go off and marry some
01:18:27This is your destiny
01:18:29Oh
01:18:50What the shit is that okay, there may be a bit of an amber alert out on me, but it's a mistake
01:18:55I swear, can I just say at this point? I think I think we might be doing something wrong. We're not doing anything wrong
01:19:01Okay, and Lucas he's not Satan. He's just a portal to Satan and good parenting. It's about keeping that portal shut
01:19:08Man, that's so true. Yeah. Yeah those guys they can't stop us
01:19:13Nobody can stop us. You know why?
01:19:16Because this is my destiny. I'm with you 100% man. Yeah, me too. So you're absolutely sure we're doing the right thing
01:19:22Yes, yes we are let's go blow up that nunnery yeah
01:19:53Brothers and sisters
01:19:57The time has come to revel in the glory of the rapture
01:20:02Behold he who knows no bounds to evil
01:20:06the one
01:20:07the only
01:20:09the Antichrist
01:20:22Oh
01:20:30We don't have much time
01:20:39We can break it and then go through it
01:20:52I'm a real estate agent. I have the key. I'm the key master
01:21:13Never meant to be the one
01:21:15Oh
01:21:17Nice punch Gary. Yeah, you really laid out that very tiny woman. Yeah, maybe take it easy on the old ladies
01:21:23Huh big guy might be watching
01:21:31Or not
01:21:39Guys
01:21:45Time is close. Yours is the greatest sacrifice
01:22:00You are but a vessel for greatness
01:22:15You
01:22:32It's me
01:22:36We're here to save you guys the time has come
01:22:45Oh
01:22:48It's all cheap nobody
01:22:51The time has come to open the gates of hell
01:23:13The party you guys had a great party
01:23:16It was like a Tuesday
01:23:18Messing with my boy cuz you mess with my boy you mess with me
01:23:24That's for the rest of you
01:23:26You should be ashamed of yourselves
01:23:28Really all of you. I think you need to do some real soul-searching
01:23:34Look yourselves in the mirror and say is this who I really want
01:23:40To
01:23:46Yes
01:24:09I
01:24:19Got somebody I got
01:24:27No, I won't
01:24:31Daddy yes Lucas. I'm scared. Don't be scared, sweetie
01:24:39I gotcha
01:24:53It's totally justified
01:25:09I'm not leaving you
01:25:39Oh
01:26:09Oh
01:26:17He's probably got minor scrapes, but you know, it's cuz of us
01:26:23Hey, you told me when you're a parent you hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Yeah, please tell me that was it
01:26:32You did it
01:26:33You really came through for us
01:26:36You're the one baby
01:26:38You're always the one
01:26:46I
01:26:49Wish I had a bonding moment like this with my son. I mean not exactly like this
01:26:59Child must die
01:27:09Don't ever fuck with my kid again
01:27:12Okay, that's badass. Oh, that's really well like when people run up to them in churches. Can we get out of here?
01:27:18I swim get out of here
01:27:19Yeah
01:27:23Let's go guys
01:27:28You know, this might sound weird but I think maybe we should go get some ice cream, you know
01:27:34Backpack in my trunk we go get ice cream and then all shit in it
01:27:41Well, I already shit my pants though, I don't know if I have any left
01:27:44Oh
01:27:59You guys are up next no, we're not ready. Yes, we are dad. We're fine. Okay. Best of luck to both you guys
01:28:06Lucas we are not ready yet. I haven't adjusted the steering column the break. Stop worrying. Okay, okay
01:28:13All right, you just have to trust me trust you and I'm driving what no, you can't drive your six
01:28:22All right, just don't turn too hard
01:28:31I'm not gonna lie man. That's pretty fucking
01:28:43Back the other way
01:29:01You sinners and say tonight's the night we're gonna take all these chains
01:29:12Oh
01:29:43We can't go
01:29:56What can I say we're blind by design it's getting paid the change
01:30:12Deception but together we must rise
01:30:42Even
01:31:12You
01:31:42You
01:32:12You
01:32:42You
01:33:12You
01:33:42You
01:34:12You
01:34:42You