The Re-Education of Molly HD ( Comedy )

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00:00:00In my college experience, my fondest memories are...

00:00:04Go, go, go, go!

00:00:09Four years of tailgating, serial dating, hook-ups,

00:00:13break-up sex, make-up sex, and then there's this guy.

00:00:19Four years of endless parties, no parents, no bills, no jobs,

00:00:24best friends and bitter rivals.

00:00:26I don't care!

00:00:28Any sane person that ever graduated from an institute of higher learning

00:00:32will tell you that college was hands down the best years of their lives.

00:00:37Okay, try and keep your eyes open. Jeez, okay.

00:00:40My name is Molly Singer, and in college, I had it all figured out.

00:00:45But now...

00:00:47Well...

00:00:57Oh, Jessie.

00:01:02I thought you were my Colby Jordan.

00:01:06Oh, Jesus, Mrs. Zimmerman!

00:01:09What are you doing in my apartment?

00:01:11You gave me a key.

00:01:12For emergencies.

00:01:14Yes, well, I thought you might be in distress.

00:01:18Or dead.

00:01:20You need something.

00:01:21Yeah, I need something.

00:01:22Could you be a doll face and drive me to the market?

00:01:25I tried to get a car on Lyft,

00:01:27but apparently my account is blocked.

00:01:31No, no, no air quotes.

00:01:33You have a shockingly high number of one-star ratings.

00:01:35Oh, and it's my fault that they all drive like Tijuana kamikazes.

00:01:39My God, the racist.

00:01:41I'm sorry, what was that?

00:01:43I think I need to get some breakfast first.

00:01:45Kiddo, it's not breakfast.

00:01:46It's breakfast.

00:01:47I'm sorry, what was that?

00:01:49I think I need to get some breakfast first.

00:01:51Kiddo, it's 9.30.

00:01:52I think brunch would be more in order.

00:01:54We can have brunch while we're out.

00:01:56Kill two birds with one stone, right?

00:01:58I might want to drag a comb across that head.

00:02:01Come on, baby.

00:02:02Let's go.

00:02:18Good morning, everybody.

00:02:19We've got a ton of stuff to get through today,

00:02:21so let's get...

00:02:23Nelson, I swear to God.

00:02:25Are you curing cancer on that fucking phone?

00:02:31Is that your last life?

00:02:34I have one life left.

00:02:36Okay.

00:02:37Why don't you go finish that up at your desk?

00:02:39Now?

00:02:40Right fucking now.

00:02:42Whose nephew was that?

00:02:43Can we please find that out?

00:02:47Thank you for joining us, Ms. Singer.

00:02:50Yeah, I've been here a while, actually.

00:02:53Really?

00:02:54Because it looks like you're coming back

00:02:55from getting your pupils dilated.

00:02:57Oh, the glass...

00:02:58Yeah, transitions.

00:02:59I don't know.

00:03:01Not working.

00:03:03I'm sorry.

00:03:04I'm sorry.

00:03:05I'm sorry.

00:03:06I'm sorry.

00:03:07I'm sorry.

00:03:08I'm sorry.

00:03:09I'm sorry.

00:03:10It's working.

00:03:17So do you need a little bit of nap time or something?

00:03:20Because I can give the Pebble Brook case

00:03:22to one of your colleagues,

00:03:23perhaps someone with aspirations

00:03:25of becoming partner here one day.

00:03:29Realistic aspirations.

00:03:34No, no.

00:03:36I'm great.

00:03:37I'm great.

00:03:40Jo, how are you?

00:03:47Oh, God.

00:03:54What the hell was that back there?

00:03:55Oh, uh, yeah.

00:03:56I think I just got, like, the flu bug or something.

00:03:59Really?

00:04:00Breakfast of champions, I see.

00:04:04Yeah, I'm just gonna be really honest with you.

00:04:06The Pebble Brook motion is giving me an aneurysm,

00:04:08and I went out last night for a little stress relief.

00:04:11Think I just overdid it a little, you know?

00:04:15You think?

00:04:17Yeah.

00:04:19Oh, Miss Singer.

00:04:22You intrigue me.

00:04:25You are smart.

00:04:27You build a ton of hours.

00:04:28You exude a charming yet ignorant amount of confidence

00:04:31that for some ungodly reason

00:04:33your clients seem to love.

00:04:37Hmm.

00:04:39But if you think for one second

00:04:40that this firm needs you more than you need it,

00:04:42you are sadly mistaken.

00:04:44I've got it all under control.

00:04:48You're gonna throw up, aren't you?

00:04:50Yes, I am.

00:04:55You screw up this hearing,

00:04:56you will never work in this city again.

00:04:58Am I clear?

00:05:01Yes, ma'am.

00:05:06Oh, that is sour.

00:05:08Oh, piss off, Nelson.

00:05:13Oh, hey, Pauly.

00:05:14How was your night last night?

00:05:15Oh, it was great.

00:05:16I hooked up with my Uber driver.

00:05:17He was really hot.

00:05:19You don't care,

00:05:20because you're not listening.

00:05:22Okay.

00:05:24Hey.

00:05:25Watch it.

00:05:27Hey, you know what?

00:05:28This is bumming me out.

00:05:30When you invited me to a work dinner,

00:05:31you didn't say there was gonna be work at the dinner.

00:05:33So, do you see me working?

00:05:34Well, I'm sure they've got a few cans of mixed vegetables

00:05:37you could crack open for them in the back.

00:05:39Whatever.

00:05:40At least I like my job.

00:05:41Oh, you do not like your job, and you know it.

00:05:44I love my job.

00:05:45I get to work with kids

00:05:46and teach them about nutrition and shit.

00:05:48What? You work at a cafeteria.

00:05:49What kind of nutritional benefits are you teaching them?

00:05:51The difference between chocolate and 2% milk?

00:05:53Joke's on you.

00:05:54We have oat milk now.

00:05:55Oh, shit.

00:05:56Yeah.

00:05:57Very fancy.

00:05:58So fancy.

00:05:59What, are there a lot of white kids?

00:06:00I don't know.

00:06:01So fancy.

00:06:02So fancy.

00:06:03What, are there a lot of white kids?

00:06:04A lot of white kids.

00:06:05So many white kids.

00:06:06You know, I think that you should go back.

00:06:08Go back to school for the semester.

00:06:10Get your parents to unlock your trust fund.

00:06:12Mom, can you just drop it?

00:06:13We've had this conversation.

00:06:14Why wouldn't you do it?

00:06:16It's complicated.

00:06:17It's your foolish pride,

00:06:18and I'm telling you, that is gonna get in the way.

00:06:20Oh, shh.

00:06:22Look away. Look away.

00:06:23What?

00:06:24Look away. Look away.

00:06:25Shh, shh, shh, shh.

00:06:26What?

00:06:27Molly Singer?

00:06:29Polls!

00:06:30Whoa!

00:06:31Polls!

00:06:32Yeah!

00:06:35Good to see you.

00:06:36Oh, yeah.

00:06:37Okay.

00:06:38Polls?

00:06:39Yeah.

00:06:40Mm-hmm. Polls.

00:06:41It's my pledge name at Barnett.

00:06:43Oh.

00:06:44Yeah.

00:06:45What does it mean?

00:06:46Well, uh, we were on the ski trip

00:06:47in Handymore over here.

00:06:48It was a nickname.

00:06:49It was just, like, a semi-truthful nickname.

00:06:51Oh, okay.

00:06:52Yeah, she was just always in the hotel room, you know,

00:06:54practicing her form with two very big ski poles,

00:06:58firm grip.

00:06:59So, like, kind of like this, like, ooh.

00:07:01Look out!

00:07:02Yep.

00:07:03We're going down a black diamond.

00:07:04Totally getting it.

00:07:05Ah!

00:07:06I was just thinking.

00:07:07Yeah.

00:07:08I thought you might be here with your husband, but...

00:07:11Uh-huh.

00:07:12No, it's just Polly.

00:07:14But you guys are married.

00:07:15Yeah.

00:07:16So that's cool.

00:07:17Four amazing years with my Charles here.

00:07:20Wow.

00:07:21I pick a fence till you're a daughter,

00:07:23yeast rising on another.

00:07:25I guess the icing on the cake is

00:07:27I was just made full partner at my firm.

00:07:29Yeah.

00:07:30She's my rock star.

00:07:31I'm a stay-at-home dad.

00:07:32Well, you know what they say.

00:07:34When you find love, you gotta hold on to it tight.

00:07:36Right?

00:07:37Hold it tight.

00:07:38Never let go.

00:07:39Ah!

00:07:40It's just the two of you.

00:07:41Yeah.

00:07:42It's like always.

00:07:43Well, have a good dinner.

00:07:45See you, guys.

00:07:46Great to see you.

00:07:47Yeah.

00:07:48Nice pearl necklace, by the way.

00:07:49Thank you.

00:07:50I like to coordinate.

00:07:51I bought it for her.

00:07:52Fucking asshole.

00:07:53So you like the poles in your hands?

00:07:55Shut up, Charles.

00:07:56I don't understand.

00:08:02All right.

00:08:03All right.

00:08:04You got this.

00:08:05Confidence.

00:08:06Come on.

00:08:07Come on.

00:08:08Shirt looks good.

00:08:09Short tooth.

00:08:10That's sick.

00:08:12Hair's good.

00:08:13Come on.

00:08:14You know this.

00:08:15Let's go.

00:08:16Let's do it.

00:08:17Come on.

00:08:18Badass, badass, badass, badass, badass.

00:08:20TikTok MMA style, motherfucker.

00:08:22Let's go.

00:08:27Hey.

00:08:28That was so great.

00:08:29So great up until that, you know, the end.

00:08:31But great form.

00:08:32Don't you hurt I'm knocking?

00:08:33I'm trying to perfect my TikTok game.

00:08:34Hey.

00:08:35I don't even know what that means.

00:08:36But I have a really great surprise for you tonight.

00:08:37No.

00:08:38No.

00:08:39I don't like surprises.

00:08:40They give me anxiety.

00:08:41Hey.

00:08:42Hey.

00:08:43Hey.

00:08:44Hey.

00:08:45Hey.

00:08:46Hey.

00:08:47Hey.

00:08:48Hey.

00:08:49Hey.

00:08:50Hey.

00:08:51Hey.

00:08:52Hey.

00:08:53Hey.

00:08:54Hey.

00:08:55I don't like surprises.

00:08:56They give me anxiety.

00:08:57Mm-hmm.

00:08:58Elliot, honey, you sit up here in your room all day.

00:09:05All you do is this TikTok thing and play video games.

00:09:09You don't show up for your friends.

00:09:11You don't show up for me for dinner.

00:09:13We always used to go out to dinner as a family together the night before you'd go to camp.

00:09:18And this is so much bigger than that, honey.

00:09:21It's college.

00:09:24So can you please just humor your mother just one time?

00:09:31Because there's a really great buffet that I keep hearing about.

00:09:36I want to take you to it.

00:09:39You do love buffets.

00:09:41Mm-hmm.

00:09:43I do.

00:09:45All right.

00:09:47Oh.

00:09:48Oh.

00:09:49And that, son, is an important lesson.

00:09:52And consent.

00:09:54From kissing to coitus, what are we going to do?

00:09:57Ask.

00:09:58You're goddamn right we are.

00:09:59And you're not going to listen to P.J. Tobin and Squee.

00:10:03Thanks, ladies.

00:10:04Nice work.

00:10:05No problem.

00:10:06Judd Staton says hi.

00:10:07Oh, I'm sure he does.

00:10:09Yeah.

00:10:10See you ladies at gym class.

00:10:11Let's go.

00:10:14Oh, fuck.

00:10:28I cannot believe we ran into Poles.

00:10:30Are we still talking about this?

00:10:32I might as well have been holding a Daniel Steele novel in a bag of kitty litter for my seven fucking cats waiting for me at home.

00:10:37You're slipping, Mol.

00:10:38I would have left with the fact we caught her giving two candies at that ski trip.

00:10:41No, we are too old to be slut-shaming, don't you think?

00:10:43Not if it's Poles.

00:10:44She's the worst.

00:10:45Seriously.

00:10:46Oh.

00:10:50Back of the line.

00:10:51Oh, I'm with her.

00:10:52That is terrific.

00:10:54Back of the line.

00:10:55Both of you.

00:10:56What is happening?

00:10:57Oh my god.

00:10:58I can smell the loser on me.

00:11:00That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.

00:11:02No, no, no, no.

00:11:03She's actually right.

00:11:04She reeks of it.

00:11:05It's coming through all the Armenian guys.

00:11:06Come on.

00:11:07So, can you please make my job easier and get to the back?

00:11:11Thank you.

00:11:12Okay, that was a sign.

00:11:13I have pebble work tomorrow.

00:11:14I need to go home and get some rest.

00:11:16You can't go home dry-dying.

00:11:17You'll be in hell all night.

00:11:18Besides, okay, we're not going to end the night like this.

00:11:20Not on my watch.

00:11:21Okay?

00:11:22I'm not standing.

00:11:23Okay.

00:11:37What?

00:11:38What did you say?

00:11:40You're Carly Rae Jepsen.

00:11:41I'm your manager.

00:11:42Just go with it.

00:11:43Who?

00:11:44I really question our friendship sometimes.

00:11:46Liz.

00:12:10Liz!

00:12:40What?

00:12:59Want some pancakes, Mom?

00:13:01Fuck me!

00:13:07Selfish.

00:13:08Selfish.

00:13:11Guess not.

00:13:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

00:13:19I left the car at the club!

00:13:21Fuck!

00:13:41Al?

00:13:42Yeah.

00:13:43Wow.

00:13:44I thought I was going to have to blackmail you to get you out of bed this morning.

00:13:49You going to take that bag?

00:13:51Yeah, it's the one that Dad gave me.

00:13:53Yeah, I know.

00:13:54I know we did.

00:13:55And, you know, when you were little, it was so cute.

00:13:57You could fit inside of it, and we'd joke around that we were going to save money on

00:14:00tickets because we could fly your cargo.

00:14:02But this is, um...

00:14:04I mean, don't you think now this is a little too much?

00:14:08You know, Mom, I've been thinking about what you said last night.

00:14:13And you're right.

00:14:15You know, ever since Dad passed, I've just been...

00:14:19Well, nothing, really, I suppose.

00:14:25But what I do know is that Dad was all about saving money.

00:14:32Um...

00:14:33But what I do know is that Dad was all about showing up.

00:14:38So that's what I'm going to do.

00:14:39I'm going to show up.

00:14:43Okay, you can keep the friggin' bag.

00:14:45I will get you a matching set for Hanukkah.

00:14:48You're still in your robes, Mom.

00:14:49Right.

00:14:50Okay.

00:14:51Dammit.

00:14:5220 minutes.

00:14:5320 minutes!

00:15:02Mr. Pebblebrook, your counsel has until I get through the sports section.

00:15:14Shit!

00:15:16Hurry!

00:15:30Bam!

00:15:31Coming through!

00:15:33Excuse me!

00:15:39Oh, sorry!

00:15:45Sorry!

00:16:02Objection!

00:16:04Is it Manolo Blanc, or...?

00:16:06What?

00:16:07Ooh, say.

00:16:09They say you snort the gel inside here, you fucking fly to the moon and back.

00:16:13I don't believe you.

00:16:14You can have those.

00:16:15No, you...

00:16:16They're all yours.

00:16:21That's it.

00:16:24Sorry, I know I'm late.

00:16:29Sorry, Mr. Pebblebrook.

00:16:31Based on an absence of oral argument by the moving party,

00:16:35the motion for summary judgment is denied.

00:16:39With prejudice.

00:16:42I'm here!

00:16:43Wait!

00:17:13In a new direction

00:17:17Cause there ain't nothing gonna break me down

00:17:21Cause I got all these wild intentions

00:17:26All these wild intentions

00:17:31Now that the leg is fully healed, are you taking us to your national championship game?

00:17:35With God's determination and His healing hands, that's the plan, no doubt.

00:17:39And you surpassed over a thousand yards last year.

00:17:42You plan to surpass that this year?

00:17:44Oh yeah, most definitely, I mean, you know, this is what I do.

00:17:47So the dorms are great.

00:17:49Even though you're room is the size of my shoe closet.

00:17:52Well, I don't think it's that bad.

00:17:54Your shoe closet is pretty big.

00:17:56And the girl-to-guy ratio is really playing in your favor.

00:17:59Mom, no, no.

00:18:00I'm just saying from a numbers perspective.

00:18:02Don't you have to go to work or something?

00:18:04Anything other than talking about girl-to-guy ratios?

00:18:07This is gonna be the best four years of your life, I promise.

00:18:13You are gonna do great things, Elliot Steiner.

00:18:25All that's left is the body snatcher.

00:18:28Get in it one last time for old times sake.

00:18:30Mom, people can hear you, please.

00:18:32Sorry.

00:18:33Dammit, I told him not to bother me on my last day with you.

00:18:36This is...

00:18:38Maybe it's an emergency.

00:18:43The office better be burning to the fucking ground.

00:18:47She did what?

00:19:04You think you're gonna break the record from last year?

00:19:06Oh, oh, oh.

00:19:08Too many questions, too many questions.

00:19:10Hey, slick pants, shit.

00:19:14The way it's going, I might not get tapped at all here.

00:19:17Jesus, I'm stuck.

00:19:18Man, I think I broke my ankle.

00:19:20Which ankle is it?

00:19:21This one.

00:19:22Do you think you can play this season?

00:19:24I don't know.

00:19:25I just broke my ankle.

00:19:26Hey, it was him.

00:19:28Let's fucking get him.

00:19:29Let me go, let me go, let me go.

00:19:32Well, Peter, a world record.

00:19:34While normally reserved for professional athletes,

00:19:37this week's Daily Upper Decker Award

00:19:39goes to none other than college freshman Elliot Steiner,

00:19:43who single-handedly wrecked the MVP run

00:19:46of potential first-round draft pick Demetrius Moss.

00:19:50Ah!

00:19:51Ah!

00:19:52Ah!

00:19:53Ah!

00:19:54Ah!

00:19:55Ah!

00:19:56Ah!

00:19:57Ah!

00:19:58Ah!

00:19:59Ah!

00:20:00Ah!

00:20:01Ah!

00:20:02Ah!

00:20:03Ah!

00:20:04Ah!

00:20:05Ah!

00:20:06Ah!

00:20:07Time to get the fuck out of Dodge, kid.

00:20:10Kill him!

00:20:14Wait till I catch you!

00:20:15Come here!

00:20:16Hey, you're dead, man.

00:20:17I hope you don't kill me.

00:20:24Steiner!

00:20:26Do you have any idea how fucked this is?

00:20:29This fucker's threatening to sue us for mishandling his case.

00:20:32You not only lost me money, you are costing me money.

00:20:35Brenda, I can fix this.

00:20:36Yeah, you can, by packing your shit

00:20:38and getting the fuck out of my office.

00:20:40Mrs. Steiner?

00:20:41What?

00:20:42Your son is on line one.

00:20:43Move.

00:20:50Hey, my love, how's your first day going?

00:20:52I'm coming home.

00:20:54What?

00:20:55What happened?

00:20:56Check your text messages.

00:20:58Elliot Steiner, who single-handedly wrecked the MVP run

00:21:02of potential first-round draft pick Demetrius Moss.

00:21:05Oh.

00:21:07Well, I mean, it's...

00:21:08I'm sure it's not that bad.

00:21:10It'll blow over.

00:21:11I'm literally packing my bags right now.

00:21:13Oh, come on, honey.

00:21:14Steiners are not quitters.

00:21:15We're fighters.

00:21:16I'm not a fighter.

00:21:17I'm a daily upper-decker.

00:21:19I don't even know what that means.

00:21:20It's shit, ma.

00:21:21It's shit, okay?

00:21:22It's when you take a shit in the tank of a toilet

00:21:25and then when you flush it, it's just shit.

00:21:27It's perpetual, continuous shit.

00:21:33Honey, your father wanted you to go to his alma mater.

00:21:42Give me that.

00:21:43Sit down.

00:21:44Sit down.

00:21:46What do you want to hear?

00:21:48Yeah, you were dealt a shitty hand.

00:21:51So was I.

00:21:53But it's where you go from here that determines

00:21:55what kind of a man you become, son.

00:21:58Are you an upper-decker?

00:22:02Or are you my brave number two?

00:22:06You realize in this scenario,

00:22:07I'm a piece of shit either way?

00:22:10Yeah, I'm just realizing that.

00:22:12It's not my best analogy.

00:22:18But I have a feeling that, um...

00:22:21everything's gonna work out.

00:22:23Can you trust me?

00:22:26Yeah.

00:22:35You went to undergrad at Barnett University, right?

00:22:40Uh, yes, ma'am.

00:22:43And you were president of your sorority,

00:22:45and I'm sure you were popular with all the guys, right?

00:22:48I mean, yeah, look at you.

00:22:51Um...

00:22:53My son, Elliot,

00:22:55is just starting his freshman year at Barnett,

00:22:58and he's had a little bit of a misstep.

00:23:01Yeah, the upper-decker video?

00:23:03What?

00:23:04Yeah, Nelson showed it to us earlier.

00:23:06Fucking moron.

00:23:08Um...

00:23:11The thing is, my son...

00:23:13My son is a really good kid, but he, um...

00:23:17He's a recluse.

00:23:19Oh.

00:23:20So it's gonna take somebody else to help him come out of his shell.

00:23:23Yeah.

00:23:24And that someone...

00:23:27is you.

00:23:30Me?

00:23:31Yeah, see, the way I see it is,

00:23:33I want my son to be happy,

00:23:35and you need a job.

00:23:37Oh, so I'm not fired?

00:23:39Oh, no, you're definitely still fired.

00:23:41No, I'm saying that I would like to hire you

00:23:44to go back to Barnett as a student,

00:23:47but obviously with a different last name.

00:23:49I'll have the art and tech department hook you up,

00:23:51get you new student I.D., transcripts, everything you need.

00:23:54I just don't... I don't think that they...

00:23:56No, that's the problem, you don't think.

00:23:58Otherwise, you would still have your fucking jobs.

00:24:00Uh...

00:24:01I just... I...

00:24:02I want you to take him under your wing.

00:24:05You know, help him meet some friends.

00:24:07His father was Kai Mew, so he's a legacy.

00:24:10Help him get into the frat.

00:24:12Yeah, I mean, I just don't know anything about...

00:24:14You have until homecoming weekend,

00:24:16which is exactly two months from now.

00:24:18In exchange, I will pay you half of your salary.

00:24:22What?

00:24:23And if you succeed,

00:24:25we can talk about you coming back to the firm.

00:24:32I'm sorry.

00:24:33You want to pay me to go back to Barnett?

00:24:38Yeah.

00:24:42Oh.

00:24:43Oh.

00:24:59Hey, there's my Becky.

00:25:04Boy, you just had to give out that second fruit cup, huh?

00:25:07Why'd I do it, Walter? Do you know?

00:25:09Because you're a fucking kiss-ass.

00:25:11Oh, fuck you.

00:25:12It's because little Becky there's got a soccer game this afternoon,

00:25:15and she needs extra fuel.

00:25:16Isn't that right, Becky?

00:25:18Yeah. How many goals are you scoring today?

00:25:20I'm the goalie.

00:25:22Yeah, you are.

00:25:24Go!

00:25:26Look at your cooties in my station.

00:25:28What'd I tell you?

00:25:29Oh, I'm sorry.

00:25:30Was it one workstation behind you?

00:25:32Yes. Jesus.

00:25:33Holly!

00:25:34It is time to retire your hairnet,

00:25:37pack up your stuff, my children.

00:25:40We're going back to Barnett.

00:25:42What are you talking about?

00:25:43Okay, so here's the update.

00:25:44Got to court a little bit late.

00:25:46You know, I'm really sorry about that.

00:25:50Get back to your station and don't fucking touch me.

00:25:54Holly.

00:25:56My apologies.

00:25:58That's on me.

00:25:59Juice boxes for everybody.

00:26:04Okay, I don't think you're getting it.

00:26:05I really, really don't.

00:26:06I'm getting paid to go back to college, okay?

00:26:09And you're going to come with me.

00:26:10Card pass, Mal.

00:26:11Walter's got me on management track.

00:26:13Holly, I need you.

00:26:14Seriously, we can go back, have a great time,

00:26:17party like we used to.

00:26:18You can finish your degree, finally,

00:26:20and then when you unlock your trust,

00:26:22you could just buy the whole cafeteria.

00:26:24Have it named after you.

00:26:25Maybe even Fire Walter.

00:26:31Fire Walter?

00:26:32Why not?

00:26:34Fire Walter.

00:26:35Okay, we're getting it now.

00:26:36Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:37We got it, we got it.

00:26:39I love you.

00:26:40I love you, Fire Walter.

00:26:41Yeah!

00:26:44See you again.

00:26:45Holly.

00:27:08Put it, flip it, kick it to the test.

00:27:10Flex.

00:27:11Kick it, flip it, put it to the test.

00:27:13Put it, flip it, kick it to the test.

00:27:14Flex.

00:27:15Kick it, flip it, put it to the test.

00:27:17Put it, flip it, kick it to the test.

00:27:19Flex.

00:27:20Kick it, flip it, put it to the test.

00:27:22Put it, flip it, kick it to the test.

00:27:24Watch me.

00:27:25Flex.

00:27:26Sorry, no housing available.

00:27:31What do you mean there's no housing available?

00:27:33Record enrollment.

00:27:34Did you not read your freshman orientation packet?

00:27:37Because if you had,

00:27:38you'd know that the dorms need to be secured two months in advance.

00:27:41Oh, okay.

00:27:42Well, what about private housing?

00:27:44Oh, yeah.

00:27:45Record enrollment.

00:27:48What is up with people that have the ability to hear yet nobody ever listens?

00:27:51I hate that.

00:27:52Okay, Canvas Barbie, listen.

00:27:54Look, here's the deal.

00:27:56We've just been traveling so much the last few years,

00:27:58dedicating our lives to helping children in need

00:28:02on a grassroots level for little to no pay.

00:28:05And now we need to come back and finish school

00:28:10so we can take our local efforts to the global stage,

00:28:13and I'm talking Malawi, Namibia, Darfur.

00:28:24I'll tell you what I can do.

00:28:25Okay.

00:28:26Okay.

00:28:27Not a fucking thing.

00:28:29America first.

00:28:31Student housing, this is Amy.

00:28:33Did she just say America first?

00:28:34She did.

00:28:40What the hell was I thinking?

00:28:42Stupid, stupid Darfur.

00:28:44Yeah, she feels more like someone who would run over protesters

00:28:46and give it a chance.

00:28:47I can't believe we already fucked this up.

00:28:49We?

00:28:50Okay.

00:28:51Maybe it's for the best.

00:28:53I mean, this is the dumbest fucking idea since we both tried anal bleaching.

00:28:56Yeah, but if we don't do it,

00:28:57then we both go to living on the streets.

00:29:00Okay.

00:29:01Nope.

00:29:02My skin won't last a day in these streets,

00:29:04so we got to figure something out.

00:29:06Not all about the skin.

00:29:08Hold up.

00:29:10Excuse me.

00:29:11Hi.

00:29:12Hi.

00:29:13Can I borrow you for a sec?

00:29:17Thanks again.

00:29:18Catch you later.

00:29:33Why?

00:29:35No.

00:29:36No, no, no.

00:29:37What the fuck?

00:29:40God damn it.

00:29:46So you're the Upper Decker, huh?

00:29:50I'm Lindsay.

00:29:51Looks like we're neighbors.

00:29:55So should I just call you Upper for short, or...

00:29:58Um, I'm Elliot.

00:30:00Sorry.

00:30:02Joe Daddy Stevenson.

00:30:04Do you know MMA?

00:30:06Hell yeah.

00:30:07Well, I mean, I didn't start getting into it till Rousey started fighting, but...

00:30:11Oh, that's dank.

00:30:13Yeah.

00:30:14It's super dank.

00:30:18Well, I will take these as I see them.

00:30:22The danglies are all yours, though.

00:30:28Dank?

00:30:29What the fuck, dude?

00:30:33It's what I do, ain't no thang to it.

00:30:37Don't miss a move when I aim for it.

00:30:41Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:43I'ma get, get, I'ma get that.

00:30:45Yeah, I want, want, want it so bad.

00:30:47I'ma get, get, I'ma get that.

00:30:49Cause I was made for it.

00:30:56Look, it's the international man of mystery.

00:30:58Oh, Amy.

00:31:00You passed.

00:31:01Passed what?

00:31:03The test to see if you were one of us.

00:31:06Can't be too careful on a college campus nowadays, what with the deep state liberal agenda.

00:31:19You follow the queue?

00:31:21Do I follow them?

00:31:23Is George Soros the head of a major pedophile ring being run out of metro area pizza places?

00:31:28I know you said housing was full to the brim, but I think you and I both know it's up to people like us to make the silent majority not so silent.

00:31:40In places like this.

00:31:42And my girl, Molly Sutter, she's down for the cause, too.

00:31:45She is.

00:31:46So.

00:31:49If you can find it in your heart.

00:31:52In your heart.

00:31:55Maybe even consider it your patriotic duty to put a roof over our heads.

00:32:01What do you say?

00:32:09What are we doing?

00:32:14Oh yeah, you dirty little snowflake.

00:32:16I'm gonna simulate you like a docile minority population.

00:32:20Simulate me, you filthy little whore.

00:32:23Hey, don't be a misogynist.

00:32:25Oh, that's where you're drawing the line?

00:32:29I talk, you fuck.

00:32:38So are we doing this or what?

00:32:40Yeah, just getting it queued up.

00:32:42Molly, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

00:32:44Ha, you like that?

00:32:46Lime, not lemon.

00:32:51This place isn't officially affiliated with the university, but they do offer student discounts on rent, so.

00:32:56Amy, your country thanks you.

00:32:59Come back and be fucked by a real American patriot any day.

00:33:02You call me Antifa, bitch.

00:33:04No.

00:33:06Not if I...

00:33:08Stornberg capital first.

00:33:13Oh, dear God.

00:33:16Okay, yeah, just talk to her.

00:33:18Just go in.

00:33:20Hey, hey, how are you?

00:33:22I'm good.

00:33:24I'm good.

00:33:26I'm good.

00:33:28I'm good.

00:33:30I'm good.

00:33:32I'm good.

00:33:34I'm good.

00:33:36I'm good.

00:33:38I'm good.

00:33:40I'm good.

00:33:42I'm good.

00:33:45I didn't see you there.

00:33:47Maybe you wanted to go on a walk.

00:33:49Okay.

00:33:51Maybe you want to go on a nature hike alone.

00:33:53No.

00:33:55I like MMA.

00:33:57I like fighting.

00:33:59I mean, I know you do, too.

00:34:01Why don't we just, like, spar or something?

00:34:03No, I don't want to spar.

00:34:05Just do it.

00:34:07All right.

00:34:09One, two, three.

00:34:12I was in the neighborhood, and I just wanted to see...

00:34:14Oh!

00:34:16What the fuck, tchotch?

00:34:18Get the fuck out of here, bro!

00:34:20Get the fuck out of here!

00:34:25Always knock, knock, knock.

00:34:27Fucking idiot.

00:34:37Is this it?

00:34:41Yeah, this is it.

00:34:46I think I'm good sleeping in your car.

00:34:54Ow! Ow!

00:34:56Fuck!

00:34:58Motherfucker!

00:35:02Is that Scott Perkins?

00:35:04I think it is.

00:35:06Did he set fire to the art buildings in your year?

00:35:08For sure.

00:35:11Oh, can't sing singer?

00:35:13Scotty?

00:35:15Pauly? No freaking way!

00:35:17I haven't seen you guys in years!

00:35:19Yeah!

00:35:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:23Nice to see you.

00:35:25Yeah.

00:35:27Wow, so you work here?

00:35:29Oh, I don't fucking work here.

00:35:31I own the whole freaking building.

00:35:33Wow.

00:35:35Yeah, I just couldn't leave, you know,

00:35:37like, after graduation.

00:35:39Who does that?

00:35:41Everybody. Everybody does that.

00:35:43So I was doing my art, like, sort of squatting here.

00:35:45And then my grandpa died.

00:35:47Oh my God.

00:35:49No, it's okay.

00:35:51He was an asshole.

00:35:53But, like, a really rich asshole.

00:35:55That's how I got this place.

00:35:57And how's that working for you?

00:35:59Fucking terrible, man.

00:36:01Really bad.

00:36:03Like, the first day I got the keys,

00:36:05there was a black mold scare.

00:36:07Which is the incident where a student

00:36:09may or may not

00:36:11have died after

00:36:13sliding down the pole.

00:36:15Pole?

00:36:23Holy mother of fuck.

00:36:25What?

00:36:27Oh my God, air hockey!

00:36:29Oh my God.

00:36:33Oh my God, the pole!

00:36:35Oh!

00:36:37Yeah!

00:36:39Get it!

00:36:41All right, ladies.

00:36:43A little arcade action.

00:36:45Okay, okay.

00:36:47Bowling, bowling.

00:36:49Grandpa's.

00:36:51Scott, this is perfect.

00:36:53So, uh, how many

00:36:55months are we talking about?

00:36:57Because I'm really behind on my payments.

00:36:59I was supposed to have a sorority sign a lease

00:37:01here, but they pussied out when they heard

00:37:03I may or may not have died here.

00:37:05Oh, Scott, I get that someone died here. You don't need to be vague.

00:37:07Allegedly.

00:37:09So you're telling me no one's even had sex in this hot tub?

00:37:11Unfortunately, not a single sperm

00:37:13has entered that chlorinated water.

00:37:15Okay, so, um, how far

00:37:17behind on payments are you before the bank

00:37:19initiates foreclosure?

00:37:21Uh, 20 grand-ish.

00:37:23Okay.

00:37:25Yeah, um,

00:37:27I think we can

00:37:29help you out.

00:37:31Don't put it in my name.

00:37:33Hey!

00:37:35Woo!

00:37:37Woo!

00:37:39Elliot Scott, a single-handedly

00:37:41wrecked the MVP run of potential

00:37:43first-round draft. Elliot Scott,

00:37:45a single-handedly

00:37:47wrecked the MVP run.

00:37:59What are you doing?

00:38:01I'm trying to blow our cover.

00:38:03With a newspaper? No, most of these kids

00:38:05don't even know what that is.

00:38:07Put it down. Act cool.

00:38:09Get out your phone. Just relax.

00:38:15I'll protect our kid.

00:38:21Okay.

00:38:23That's the guy who took out Demetrius Moss.

00:38:25Yes.

00:38:27Okay, we do not have until the semester ends.

00:38:29We have until homecoming to get this kid

00:38:31from zero to hero.

00:38:33Did you just quote Coolest Ice?

00:38:35Paraphrase, but yes.

00:38:37Well, how are you supposed to do that?

00:38:39With...

00:38:41this.

00:38:43Holy shit.

00:38:45Is that Demetrius? It is, yeah.

00:38:47Is he? He is.

00:38:49How do? Well, in-house investigator.

00:38:51Dude could dig up dirt on Jesus

00:38:53if we asked him to.

00:38:55Oh.

00:39:03Uh-oh.

00:39:05Who's that girl?

00:39:13Okay.

00:39:15Oh.

00:39:25Oh, oh, oh, oh.

00:39:27He's coming this way.

00:39:35Oh, uh, hey.

00:39:37Wait, wait, wait.

00:39:39Excuse me. Excuse me.

00:39:41Hi. Sorry, you forgot your book.

00:39:43Benazir Bhutto, biography.

00:39:45Yeah, the world's first female Muslim prime minister.

00:39:47You must be, what,

00:39:49like a poly-sci major or something?

00:39:51I'm undeclared, actually.

00:39:53Me too. Same, same, same.

00:39:55Yeah, this is Polly, and I'm Molly.

00:39:59And you are?

00:40:01Elliot. Elliot Steiner.

00:40:03Cool. Steiner? I hardly know her.

00:40:05Okay, well,

00:40:07we're actually thinking about going to Stillwaters

00:40:09in like an hour. Would you...

00:40:11come with us?

00:40:13You think I'm an idiot?

00:40:15Excuse me. Hi.

00:40:17No, no, no, no.

00:40:19Some old dude and a random lady

00:40:21just happened to run into me

00:40:23right after I become a meme.

00:40:25Whatever you have planned, I'm not falling for it.

00:40:27Look, okay, yes, we do know who you are,

00:40:29but this isn't a trap or anything like that.

00:40:31It's just we know our way around here,

00:40:33and we've all got a past that we wish we could forget.

00:40:35I mean, Polly here got so drunk freshman year

00:40:37that he passed out at McConnell Hall

00:40:39and shit his pants in his sleep.

00:40:41Remember that?

00:40:43Yeah, that was you. Details.

00:40:45Anyway, the point is, we all deserve

00:40:47a second chance at a first impression.

00:40:49I mean, I don't...

00:40:51I don't even drink.

00:40:53Or, you know, we could

00:40:55convince the girl to come with us.

00:40:57What girl?

00:40:59The girl. The girl you were making

00:41:01googly eyes at while you were eating.

00:41:03Steiner?

00:41:05Hello?

00:41:07Okay.

00:41:09Uh, I don't have any plans.

00:41:11No plans!

00:41:13That's great! Okay, cool!

00:41:15Okay, so, I think

00:41:17we have one thing to do before we go,

00:41:19and that is... Shave his balls!

00:41:21Pretty woman montage.

00:41:23Pretty woman montage.

00:41:25It's gonna be fun.

00:41:37Oh, it's a little cowboy for me.

00:41:39It's like a broke-back chic,

00:41:41but not so chic.

00:41:43Oh, my God!

00:41:45Yeah!

00:41:47Next!

00:41:49Yeah!

00:41:51Now, he looks like a K-pop video

00:41:53just took a shit on you.

00:41:55In a good way.

00:41:57Let's get it, let's get it, let's get it.

00:41:59Let's get it, let's get it, let's get it.

00:42:01You heard that?

00:42:03Oh!

00:42:05You heard that?

00:42:07Oh!

00:42:09Ma'am, I think you should just get rid of that outfit altogether.

00:42:11It needs to not be in the store.

00:42:13The power of Christ compels you.

00:42:15Come on, let's get it.

00:42:17Let's get it!

00:42:19Let's get it!

00:42:21Let's get it!

00:42:23Let's get it!

00:42:25Look!

00:42:27Wow!

00:42:29I love this one!

00:42:31Done and done, you know what I'm saying?

00:42:33All right.

00:42:49All right, here we go.

00:42:55Is your baby face Nelson there, who's 21?

00:42:57Absolutely.

00:42:59You've seen us in here before.

00:43:03A hundred...

00:43:05times?

00:43:07Oh, right, Ben.

00:43:09Was it? God, great to see you.

00:43:11Cheers, you guys.

00:43:13Yeah.

00:43:15Mr. Franklin.

00:43:17What?

00:43:19So, do you guys bring

00:43:21underage boys here

00:43:23often?

00:43:25Look, that is the least

00:43:27illegal thing going on around here.

00:43:29Stillwaters is owned by the Dabrowski family.

00:43:31You mean the mob guys?

00:43:33Polish mob.

00:43:35Why do you think they have 1997 prices?

00:43:37It's all a front to launder money.

00:43:39Anything goes.

00:43:41You will never find a more wretched hive of scum

00:43:43and villainy.

00:43:45So, when's Lindsay getting here?

00:43:47Who?

00:43:49Oh, the girl.

00:43:51Lindsay's not coming.

00:43:53Well, it would have been super weird of us

00:43:55to just go up to an underage stranger

00:43:57and ask them to a bar.

00:43:59That's exactly what you guys did.

00:44:03What the fuck is happening?

00:44:05I'm not sure.

00:44:07Is he calling them?

00:44:09What's going on?

00:44:11Yo, pucks of Tony Phil, get back up here, please.

00:44:13Upper Decker!

00:44:17Showing your face in my bar.

00:44:21Everything okay, fellas?

00:44:23Yeah, it's cool.

00:44:25Just a little crowded in here.

00:44:27About one freshman asshole over capacity.

00:44:39Do your thing, Mom.

00:44:41Do you know what? I'd love to speak with you in private

00:44:43for a second. Huge fan.

00:44:45Oh, yeah, sure. Pretty sure you want to be alone with me

00:44:47for more than a second, though.

00:44:49Yeah, yeah, I don't doubt that.

00:44:51Hey, if he tries to run, sit on him.

00:44:57Hey.

00:45:07Like IPAs?

00:45:19That's just rude.

00:45:27Cute.

00:45:33Everyone!

00:45:35Hello, please, listen up.

00:45:37Demetrius here has an announcement.

00:45:39All right, so, uh,

00:45:41everyone, I would like to speak

00:45:43on the events that occurred

00:45:45and, um...

00:45:47Man, fuck this. All right.

00:45:49The shit that happened last week

00:45:51wasn't your fault.

00:45:54Yeah, I think if I'm hearing this correctly,

00:45:56Demetrius is going on the record

00:45:58to say that his broken ankle

00:46:00isn't Elliot Steiner's fault.

00:46:02Am I right about that, Demetrius?

00:46:04Correct.

00:46:06Barnett University and its failure

00:46:08to create distinctive riding and walking

00:46:10paths on campus.

00:46:12And Demetrius here will be suing the university

00:46:14for upwards of, um...

00:46:16$20 million.

00:46:20So, uh, we're good,

00:46:23little man.

00:46:25Hey, yo, I'm gon' be rich, bitches!

00:46:27Shots on me.

00:46:52♪♪

00:47:02♪♪

00:47:12♪♪

00:47:16So, I just move that there.

00:47:18Oh, no, no, no, no. That's cheating.

00:47:20No, it's not. Why can't I go up the slide?

00:47:21You cannot climb the slide. That's not how it works.

00:47:23You climb the ladder, and then you go down the slide.

00:47:25That's how it works.

00:47:26But you could...

00:47:27Okay, my turn.

00:47:29Three.

00:47:30Okay.

00:47:31Three.

00:47:32One, two, three.

00:47:34Oh, see? Ladder.

00:47:35Climb.

00:47:36♪♪

00:47:41Van Singer Party Liaison.

00:47:43Are you fucking kidding me?

00:47:44Uh...

00:47:45Huh?

00:47:46I am paying you to help my son get adjusted to college,

00:47:48not ruin his goddamn life.

00:47:50I'm not sure what you're talking about,

00:47:52because I've been here for two days,

00:47:53the Demetrius Moss situation is fixed,

00:47:55we are taking him to a Rush event later today,

00:47:57and minimize the MMA-themed wardrobe by at least 35%.

00:48:03Call me your freshman in college

00:48:05without telling me you're a freshman in college.

00:48:07I'll go first.

00:48:08♪♪

00:48:15Ahem.

00:48:16Okay, I can see by the looks of this video...

00:48:18How do you feel it?

00:48:20How the fuck do you feel it?

00:48:23And that video as well,

00:48:25it may appear that I am not in control here,

00:48:28but I can assure you...

00:48:29I should've known this was gonna be a fucking chit show.

00:48:31You know what?

00:48:32Just forget it.

00:48:34Forget the whole thing, forget your job,

00:48:36you're done.

00:48:37In one day, I've taken your kid

00:48:40from wanting to run home with his tail tucked

00:48:42between his chinos to wanting to get the fucking

00:48:44Badger Fight song tattooed on his forehead

00:48:46post-Malone style.

00:48:48What do you think is gonna happen if I ghost him now?

00:48:51Let me get him through Rush,

00:48:53and I promise you,

00:48:54the freshman tradition of buying Christmas presents

00:48:57entirely from the university bookstore

00:48:59will be well intact.

00:49:01Okay.

00:49:03Keep him off the talk.

00:49:04And if you ruin his chances of a future Senate race,

00:49:07I swear to God I will eat you alive

00:49:09and bury you in the goddamn desert.

00:49:11Thanks so much.

00:49:14Thanks so much.

00:49:20You been good?

00:49:21Yeah!

00:49:23Refill?

00:49:24Yes, please.

00:49:27I saw you cheat, by the way.

00:49:29No, I didn't.

00:49:33So officially, we are absolutely not able

00:49:36to haze you little bitches in any way, shape, or form.

00:49:38But unofficially, you little douche canoes

00:49:40better get ready for the suck.

00:49:42We're gonna have to suck your, like...

00:49:45What? No!

00:49:47The suck?

00:49:49Like from Jarhead?

00:49:51Uh...

00:49:52Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

00:49:54Why don't you guys just go play some cornhole or something?

00:50:00I just don't think I'm really frat material.

00:50:03And you're not a fan of wheelie races

00:50:05with marshmallows up your butt?

00:50:06No. No. Not at all.

00:50:08Um, well, you know, there's a whole

00:50:10brotherhood hurrah thing.

00:50:12Formals are fun,

00:50:14and there are certain other advantages.

00:50:20You're not ready yet.

00:50:22Yeah, two more semesters.

00:50:24Three if your parents are religious.

00:50:26What?

00:50:27Hmm?

00:50:28Nothing. Nothing.

00:50:29Just, uh, enjoying the party.

00:50:32Remind me to check on her later.

00:50:34Hey!

00:50:36Oh, hey, Elliot.

00:50:37Steiner, how you holding up?

00:50:39Uh...

00:50:40Oh, wait, you all know each other?

00:50:42Oh, yeah, we met Elliot at Stillwaters last night.

00:50:45Stillwaters?

00:50:46Yeah.

00:50:47How'd he get in there?

00:50:48Oh, he just walked right in like he owned the place.

00:50:51They didn't even question him.

00:50:53Cool.

00:50:54Very cool. Very cool.

00:50:56Um, okay.

00:50:58Um...

00:50:59Uh, should we get some refills?

00:51:01We'll surprise you guys later.

00:51:03We'll surprise you guys.

00:51:04Refills for us.

00:51:05Molly?

00:51:06We'll be back.

00:51:09So...

00:51:13So...

00:51:14Hey, um, I'm really sorry about Stu the other day.

00:51:18I just started dating him.

00:51:20He's sweet, but can be a little intense sometimes.

00:51:24No, I'm sorry.

00:51:25I should have knocked.

00:51:26I didn't see anything, so don't worry.

00:51:29You didn't accidentally sneak peek?

00:51:32God, no, no, no.

00:51:33I wouldn't do that.

00:51:34I...

00:51:35No, I meant...

00:51:36I meant...

00:51:37They're great.

00:51:38You're great.

00:51:39You're pretty.

00:51:44Good crop this year.

00:51:46With a few fucking weeds.

00:51:48What are you doing here perving peeping Tom next door?

00:51:51Wait, babe, be cool.

00:51:52This is Elliot.

00:51:53He was just coming by to apologize for walking in on us.

00:51:56Dude, I'm so sorry.

00:51:58It was a mistake.

00:51:59I didn't mean...

00:52:00Dude, don't even fucking worry about it.

00:52:01You ain't the first chode to hallway jerker to meet my girl getting it on.

00:52:04You won't be the last.

00:52:05Hallway jerk?

00:52:06I didn't jerk.

00:52:07Say, you like Jaeger?

00:52:08Yeah, I guess.

00:52:09Who doesn't?

00:52:10Let's get some.

00:52:11Okay.

00:52:12I'll introduce you to the brothers.

00:52:13Great.

00:52:23Time to get a drink.

00:52:24Where are you?

00:52:25All right.

00:52:26Hey, listen, this is Elliot.

00:52:27All right?

00:52:28Chaz, drinks.

00:52:29Go, go, go, go.

00:52:30Go.

00:52:32Looks like a boy's coming around.

00:52:34Something's off.

00:52:35This guy's got a real my dad's lawyer got me probation for roofing girls kind of vibe.

00:52:40This is a very specific vibe.

00:52:42That's what I'm getting.

00:52:46Oh, it's Pussy.

00:52:47Hey, girl.

00:52:52All right, my brothers and my brothers' ladies, listen up.

00:52:55I want to dedicate this shot to my boy Elliot here.

00:53:02Takes a giant set of boss-level balls to show his face around here after what he did to

00:53:07Dim.

00:53:08Am I right?

00:53:09Yeah.

00:53:10Am I right?

00:53:11Yeah.

00:53:12So, let's give him a big new welcome on three.

00:53:18One, two, three.

00:53:25Oh, my God.

00:53:31Jesus.

00:53:37You did it.

00:53:44Elliot.

00:53:46What a fucking loser.

00:53:48No, fuck that guy.

00:53:50Wow, you are not very bright, are you?

00:53:52You just did that kid a huge favor.

00:53:54I think I did his parents the favor.

00:53:56Probably saved them 50 grand in tuition money.

00:54:00You just showed everyone the massive secret weapon he's been hiding.

00:54:06I mean, it wasn't that massive.

00:54:09I had a few dicks.

00:54:10It's big.

00:54:11Big.

00:54:12Yeah, well, too bad he won't step foot in here again.

00:54:15My house, my rules.

00:54:18Care to make a wager on that, William Cusby?

00:54:21William Cusby.

00:54:23Mr. Puddin' Pup.

00:54:24Okay, first off, my name's Stu.

00:54:27Stuart Gable.

00:54:29And second...

00:54:30Second, I don't give a fuck if you're man enough to wager or not.

00:54:34What's a wager?

00:54:36Wager, wager is...

00:54:38Booze Cathlon.

00:54:39Booze Cathlon.

00:54:40Saturday.

00:54:41Our place.

00:54:42If we win, Elliot gets a bid.

00:54:44And if I win, or...

00:54:47Let me rephrase that.

00:54:48When I win, I fuck you.

00:54:51What the fuck?

00:54:53Another option would be...

00:54:55How about...

00:54:57Oh, there you go.

00:54:59Keys.

00:55:01Yes, the whole car, moron.

00:55:03Oh, yeah, oh yeah.

00:55:04You're on.

00:55:05You're fucking on!

00:55:07Yeah!

00:55:10So much bro-ness.

00:55:13Then get your pussy ready.

00:55:16What?

00:55:17Your pussy.

00:55:18See you Saturday, Stu.

00:55:21Yeah.

00:55:26Steiner!

00:55:27Open the door!

00:55:28It's me, Molly!

00:55:29Go away.

00:55:30Oh, come on.

00:55:31It's not that bad.

00:55:32Look, we've all been there.

00:55:34We have?

00:55:35When was the last time that you had your wing exposed to a hundred strangers?

00:55:38Did you just say wang?

00:55:40Oh my God, Molly, just go away!

00:55:42Okay, seriously, Elliot, we will figure this out.

00:55:44Excuse me.

00:55:45It's quiet hour, so we need you to wrap it up.

00:55:47Oh.

00:55:49You know what?

00:55:50Why are you here?

00:55:51Because I'm a dummy and I just locked myself out of my room.

00:55:54Well, this is a freshman dorm.

00:55:56The grad school dorm is on North Campus.

00:56:00First of all, that is very hurtful.

00:56:02Secondly, I just want to say, the two of you are doing one hell of a job.

00:56:10No, I'm serious.

00:56:11You're goddamn saints.

00:56:13Let me tell you, all these drunk, horny freshmen running around here,

00:56:16like uncaged animals in heat.

00:56:18All the vomit and the foot odor and the one weird Ford kid

00:56:21who insists on cooking his own meals in the communal kitchen.

00:56:24At least get some of those.

00:56:25How do you handle that?

00:56:27How do you do it?

00:56:30Whoa.

00:56:31Hey, are you okay?

00:56:34It's okay.

00:56:35They're such assholes.

00:56:37I know.

00:56:38I know.

00:56:40They're monsters.

00:56:43You're all monsters!

00:56:45Wow.

00:56:46So much for quiet time.

00:56:47You never trained us for this.

00:56:49Everything's fine.

00:56:50Everything's good.

00:56:51Okay.

00:56:52You're all right.

00:56:53Pull it together.

00:56:55I know it is tough out there.

00:56:56But right now, I need your help.

00:56:59I do.

00:57:00I need to do a welfare check on Steiner in there.

00:57:02I met him at a counseling center a week ago

00:57:04and he has been sending me some very alarming text messages this evening.

00:57:08Alarming?

00:57:09What?

00:57:11Oh.

00:57:12Okay.

00:57:13Okay.

00:57:14Get us in there.

00:57:15Come on.

00:57:17Whoa.

00:57:18What the hell?

00:57:19Steiner!

00:57:20God, you're okay.

00:57:21Oh, I was worried sick.

00:57:23You're great.

00:57:24Perfect.

00:57:25All right, you two.

00:57:27You have no idea what difference you just made in this kid's life.

00:57:30We matter.

00:57:31Okay.

00:57:32Now it's time to go.

00:57:33Oh.

00:57:34Yeah.

00:57:35It's gotta be done, so.

00:57:36Oh, yeah.

00:57:37By the way, it's still fucking quiet hours, so.

00:57:40Yes.

00:57:41Cool.

00:57:44Are you just trying to ruin my life?

00:57:47Is that it?

00:57:48No.

00:57:49What?

00:57:50No.

00:57:51It's just the opposite.

00:57:52I'm trying to get you to, you know, grab life by the tits and embrace it.

00:57:55Come on.

00:57:56College is supposed to be like the greatest time in your life.

00:57:59It is not the greatest time of my life.

00:58:02Everyone wants it to be you, my mom, but it isn't.

00:58:05And it never will because...

00:58:06Because you're a virgin?

00:58:08Look, we can fix that.

00:58:09No, no.

00:58:10Because it just feels like that it's not even my fucking life anymore.

00:58:13And it's just a reminder of the absence of my dad like I'm his fucking avatar.

00:58:18Well, it is a great movie.

00:58:20Who the fuck says that?

00:58:22Sorry.

00:58:23I don't know why I said that.

00:58:24That's not...

00:58:25I just...

00:58:26I don't even know what I want to do with my life, let alone what I'm gonna do here.

00:58:30Like, I...

00:58:31I just...

00:58:32I know I just don't want to be sad all the time anymore.

00:58:38Wow.

00:58:39Yeah.

00:58:43Ugh.

00:58:47Look, I...

00:58:48I have no idea what it must feel like to lose your dad.

00:58:55But I do know what it's like to have no idea what you want to do in your life.

00:59:00But hey, at least you care, you know?

00:59:02You're not all numb to it and fucked up on antidepressants in a career that most people would dream of.

00:59:08You're just so damn unhappy working every day with people at their worst,

00:59:12fighting over who's gonna get to keep the fucking smart toaster.

00:59:17Sorry.

00:59:18Yeah, that's just an example of someone completely random who is definitely more lost than you are.

00:59:27Listen.

00:59:29Give me one more chance.

00:59:30And if I can't prove to you by tomorrow that the best is yet to come,

00:59:34then Polly and I will go.

00:59:36We will vanish into the night.

00:59:39Why do you want to help me so much?

00:59:43Just think of me as your little Jiminy Cricket on your shoulder.

00:59:48Hanging out, trying to convince you to be young and...

00:59:51have fun.

00:59:54And to get fucked up.

01:00:03Oh, that's a good spot for it.

01:00:05Just back up a little bit.

01:00:06Okay, no, go towards Steiner.

01:00:07Go towards Steiner.

01:00:08A little bit more.

01:00:09Nope, nope, nope.

01:00:16Hey, Mom.

01:00:18Jews will not replace us.

01:00:19Jews will not replace us.

01:00:20Uh-uh, no.

01:00:21Absolutely not.

01:00:22Yep, out of bounds.

01:00:23I felt that almost immediately.

01:00:24Wait.

01:00:25No, no, no.

01:00:26Steiner, you come back now.

01:00:27Yeah, just try to even it out.

01:00:28Oh, wait.

01:00:29Yeah, that's perfect.

01:00:30This is?

01:00:31You're sure?

01:00:32Yeah, that's good.

01:00:33Maybe just a little bit over here.

01:00:35Okay.

01:00:41Are you sure about this?

01:00:43Oh, absolutely, Steiner.

01:00:44This vitamin drip will keep us sober well into the later rounds.

01:00:47Yeah, it's the same shit they give to Armstrong for a tour de France.

01:00:50What?

01:00:51Relax, I'm joking.

01:00:52Jeez.

01:00:57Why am I cold?

01:00:59Oh, yeah, just let that happen.

01:01:01Mm-hmm.

01:01:02Let it happen.

01:01:05Let it happen.

01:01:30This is your party, sir.

01:01:31Take it all in because you are the coolest guy in the room.

01:01:35I don't know about that.

01:01:36Oh, yeah, you would.

01:01:37Come on.

01:01:38Seriously.

01:01:50Oh, patience, young padawan, patience.

01:01:53The singer's gonna get her to come to you.

01:01:56Who's singer?

01:01:58Molly.

01:01:59I call her singer sometimes because she loves karaoke, but she can't sing.

01:02:05Just shut the fuck up and pay attention.

01:02:09Dave, this party's sick.

01:02:13Yeah, how does a student afford a place like this?

01:02:16I heard the Asian dude's a movie star.

01:02:18Chaz, beer, fuck off now.

01:02:23You seem tense.

01:02:24Nah, I'm good.

01:02:25There's ice in these pipes, baby.

01:02:35IPAs?

01:02:38Even their beer thinks it's better than me.

01:02:40Well, hello, Miss Lindsey and a whole bunch of dudes.

01:02:44How are we doing tonight?

01:02:45We were just conversing.

01:02:47How does a student afford a place like this?

01:02:50Oh, well, um, you know how Imelda Marcos has, like, a lot of shoes?

01:02:55Well, Polly's mom has more.

01:02:58Who the fuck is Imelda Marcos?

01:03:00Yeah, I'm just saying that they're rich.

01:03:03Really fucking rich.

01:03:04Is this your team?

01:03:06Yep, and I assume it's you, Kung Flu and Home Phone over there.

01:03:11Okay, first off, racist.

01:03:13Second, it's, uh, phone home.

01:03:15But, um, anyway, our fourth had to drop out unexpectedly and I was hoping Lindsey could step in.

01:03:21Lindsey? Me?

01:03:22Yeah.

01:03:23Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

01:03:24Wait, wait, why are you speaking for me?

01:03:27Because you're here with me.

01:03:29What, you just think I'm just gonna let you run off?

01:03:30No, you don't have to let me do anything.

01:03:32It's my decision.

01:03:34I'm in.

01:03:35Oh, yeah, get a girl.

01:03:36Okay.

01:03:40Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Firehouse Booze Cathalot!

01:03:52As presented to you by my man, the one, the only, Mr. Upper Decker with huge lower deckers!

01:04:00That's a huge deck!

01:04:01Elliot Strider!

01:04:08Now, this will be a test of will and endurance between the forces of Kai Mew and myself, those two.

01:04:17We don't really have a team name, but, you know, you get the, uh, point there.

01:04:21So, if we win, Elliot gets a bit into Kai Mew.

01:04:24But if we lose, ho, ho, ho, if we lose, Stuart Gable gets to drive off with my baby Bieber, no!

01:04:38Alright, you are all witnesses as well as judges.

01:04:41Let the games begin!

01:04:45In what once could have taken place on the sands of the Roman Colosseum, this is the Booze Cathalot.

01:04:50Five events that could only have been conceived at a liberal arts college near you.

01:04:54First up, King's Cup.

01:05:00Ladies of the night!

01:05:08Nice!

01:05:10It's a rhyme!

01:05:11Molly, testing the short-term memory of these binge drinkers with a rhyme.

01:05:16Jacks.

01:05:17Buck!

01:05:19I can smell the student loans not being paid back by this Chaz kid.

01:05:22This is a fucking rhyme, Chaz.

01:05:26Johnny pays homage to the crown.

01:05:29As does young Steiner.

01:05:36That pitcher is filling up faster than these kids' bladders.

01:05:40And that seals it, folks. The last king goes to Greg from Kai Mew.

01:05:47Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

01:05:52Greg showing the chugging ability of a toddler enjoying his sippy cup.

01:05:59Having a drinking contest without beer pong is like an orgy without a pivot person.

01:06:03Beer pong consists of...

01:06:06You know what? No. No.

01:06:07If you don't know what beer pong is, you need to focus more on the fucking rock that you've been living under.

01:06:11Let's just see where this goes.

01:06:17Nabil lining up this last shot with the same blind confidence

01:06:20that allowed him to walk out of the door with that shirt on tonight.

01:06:24Bang!

01:06:25And the boys from Kai Mew draw even with Team Molly.

01:06:29Congratulations. You won the McDonald's of fucking drinking games, basic pro.

01:06:33Steiner drops the thumb of the table.

01:06:35And once again, Chaz proved to be as sharp as a goddamn bowling ball.

01:06:42And the boys from Kai Mew draw even with Team Molly.

01:06:46Congratulations. You won the McDonald's of fucking drinking games, basic pro.

01:07:03The Muse Johnny fails to remove the invisible man

01:07:07and will be doubting the remainder of his brew.

01:07:15Stu Gable drops the last card. What is this?

01:07:23I want your shorts on your head, please.

01:07:27No word if he's going commando,

01:07:29though as white as those shorts are,

01:07:31though as white as those shorts are,

01:07:33I would hope to God not.

01:07:38The pile is getting thick, and the natives are getting restless.

01:07:49Pop off that shirt.

01:07:52Excuse me?

01:07:53Stu, what are you doing? You won.

01:07:55No, she made me wear my shorts as a hat.

01:07:57Now, I'm the king, you're the asshole.

01:08:00Pop off that fucking shirt.

01:08:02All right. Yeah, he's right.

01:08:04And you are the king after all, so...

01:08:08Shirt's coming off.

01:08:17Holy shit, Peter, look out!

01:08:20It's a trap!

01:08:24Put your shirt back on.

01:08:26It is a little stuffy. I think I'll just keep it on.

01:08:28Put your shirt back on.

01:08:30I don't know. I'm feeling good like this.

01:08:32Yeah, you know that's not true.

01:08:34Tell her.

01:08:36A victory for Kaimou turns into a moral defeat

01:08:39for Gable and his cable.

01:08:42Kaimou really testing their lung capacity and IQs

01:08:45as they try and blow the perfect smoke ring.

01:08:52Meanwhile, Pauly the Prince gives Kaimou his resting O-face

01:08:56as he blows three perfect rings

01:08:58and we are tied going into the final event.

01:09:05All right, get your fucking hands off me.

01:09:12Ooh!

01:09:21Oh!

01:09:23Yeah!

01:09:24That a boy!

01:09:34You know what?

01:09:40Oh!

01:09:42And then there were two.

01:09:45What are you doing?

01:09:47Letting you handle it.

01:09:51Whoa, Elliot!

01:09:53Where are you going?

01:09:55Why did you do that? We could have had him.

01:09:57Okay, whoa, whoa. We do still have him.

01:09:59You have him.

01:10:00No, we don't. Have you seen that guy?

01:10:02You're not fighting in the fucking Octagon.

01:10:04This is a game of skill.

01:10:06Yes, he is.

01:10:07What?

01:10:08Elliot, this is your Octagon.

01:10:11It's Sarah versus Carter UFC 31.

01:10:13Yeah, yeah. Sierra Mist versus Aaron Carter.

01:10:16Or...

01:10:18Look, okay, no.

01:10:20This is a defining moment.

01:10:22Now what's it going to be?

01:10:24Hmm?

01:10:32Yeah! All right!

01:10:34Yo, look who's back.

01:10:36It's not over yet, folks,

01:10:38as it appears that Steiner is ready to re-engage.

01:10:41What, did you throw some balls out there or something?

01:10:44Yeah.

01:10:45I doubt that.

01:10:46Dynamite back and forth between two wordsmiths.

01:10:49Come on, nice and easy.

01:10:51Chaz, do not touch.

01:10:53The steady hand of the third-year senior raises up!

01:10:58Wham-o!

01:10:59Gable gambles and wins,

01:11:01and Steiner has a cricket's cock of a chance of winning this.

01:11:05Here's the pour.

01:11:09Holy shit! He did it!

01:11:12Yay!

01:11:14Nice!

01:11:16Whoa!

01:11:25Breathe, man, breathe.

01:11:27I'm fucking breathing.

01:11:39Got him!

01:11:40It's over.

01:11:42The upper-decker meets redemption,

01:11:45Stu Gable meets rejection,

01:11:47and there is a fat guy in the corner puking.

01:11:50It's like I'm watching Rudy for the first fucking time.

01:11:59I can't believe you did it.

01:12:03Oh, my God.

01:12:04I'm scared.

01:12:06Jump.

01:12:07Wait, wait, wait, wait.

01:12:09I have to ask you a very important question.

01:12:13What?

01:12:16How far are the dorms?

01:12:18Oh, not even that far.

01:12:26Yeah, that's, like, really fucking far.

01:12:29Aw, rats.

01:12:31Aw, rats.

01:12:46Oh, my God.

01:12:48Look at his abs.

01:12:49They look like the bottom of a carton of eggs.

01:12:52He's called you, like, seven times.

01:12:54You should probably call him back.

01:12:56I mean, I don't think you'd like him when he's angry.

01:12:59Wait, are you trying to say that I'm dating the Hulk?

01:13:02Well, I mean, I don't know if he has the charm of the Hulk,

01:13:05but, I mean, he's got the abs, so kind of.

01:13:10No, seriously, you should probably call him back.

01:13:13I mean, he is your guy.

01:13:21Elliott Steiner.

01:13:25I think that you are my guy.

01:13:29Yeah.

01:13:39Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

01:13:41Hey, you two, right there.

01:13:42No, no, no.

01:13:43No whoopee in the amphitheater, and you know it.

01:13:45Get on back to the dorms now.

01:13:47We know.

01:13:48It's not a rabbit hutch.

01:13:51Sorry, sir.

01:13:59Again, Marcus lands to the body.

01:14:01Oh, no, no, no, stop.

01:14:03Ashton continuing to make it up.

01:14:05Up on his feet.

01:14:06Marcus.

01:14:08Right hand.

01:14:10Hey.

01:14:11Hey.

01:14:12Sorry, I didn't know if I should have left.

01:14:14I didn't really feel right about leaving you alone, so.

01:14:17I don't mind.

01:14:19You're pretty chivalrous, actually.

01:14:22Come here.

01:14:29Come here.

01:14:38I really want to kiss you right now.

01:14:40But it feels like a cat peed in my mouth.

01:14:43That's so tempting, I might just risk it.

01:14:46Oh, you might risk it?

01:14:48I think so.

01:14:49You do, don't you?

01:14:50Yeah.

01:14:51Oh, God, okay.

01:14:53That was, that was bad.

01:14:56What were you watching?

01:14:58Just an old show called The Pit.

01:15:02Why do you like fighting so much?

01:15:08A couple years ago, when my dad got sick,

01:15:13he just got really, really depressed.

01:15:16And we were watching TV one night,

01:15:21and we were just surfing the channels,

01:15:23and I stopped on this show about this M.M.A. fighter

01:15:27who was diagnosed with leukemia.

01:15:31I think seeing two guys, one in a similar situation to his,

01:15:34just beat the living shit out of each other

01:15:36really fired him up to beat his own disease.

01:15:41And did he?

01:15:43For another year.

01:15:47Well, he sounds like a really great guy.

01:15:51Yeah, he was.

01:15:53You're a pretty good guy, too, you know.

01:15:56Are you just trying to butter me up for another caffeine kiss?

01:15:59Actually, I was trying to butter you up for some coffee.

01:16:02Oh, okay, well, I guess I'll...

01:16:04Come on.

01:16:23I can't believe it's already homecoming.

01:16:25Feels like we just got here.

01:16:27Anyway, after the game, I was thinking,

01:16:29uh, Polly, what is going on with all this action?

01:16:32I forgot a test tomorrow,

01:16:34and my memory is not what it used to be.

01:16:36So if I just write it over and over, maybe I'll remember.

01:16:39No, no, no, I'm talking more global,

01:16:41like what's with all the action,

01:16:43all the books and stuff.

01:16:45Okay, so a few weeks ago,

01:16:47I saw this cute T.A. walking into the psych building.

01:16:49Mm-hmm.

01:16:51So I followed him.

01:16:53Naturally.

01:16:55Right, didn't matter,

01:16:57because the minute I walked in, I lost him.

01:16:59Freaking 6'3 gazelle, I don't know how.

01:17:01But it turns out I wandered into one of the lecture halls.

01:17:03Saucy.

01:17:05Sat down, listened for a minute,

01:17:07and it was a lecture on early adolescent psychology.

01:17:09Hot.

01:17:10Good stuff.

01:17:11Oh, yeah, right.

01:17:13Long story short, I like what I heard,

01:17:15so I went to another one.

01:17:17What?

01:17:18I know.

01:17:19Polly!

01:17:20Oh, my God, you're like a...

01:17:22student here.

01:17:23I think I am.

01:17:25Great.

01:17:27I'm really happy for you.

01:17:29You are?

01:17:30Mm-hmm.

01:17:31So happy you'll leave me alone so I can study?

01:17:33Yeah, I'll leave you alone so you can study.

01:17:35All right.

01:17:36You know what?

01:17:37Steiner.

01:17:38All right, get me a burrito or something.

01:17:39Oh, yeah, you want that brain burrito?

01:17:41Yes, please.

01:17:42Okay.

01:17:43Yes, please.

01:17:44Good for you.

01:17:45Love ya.

01:17:46Bye, love you.

01:17:47Hey, Steiner.

01:17:48Oh, wait up.

01:17:49I just had a class.

01:17:50Oh, my God, it's spreading.

01:17:52What?

01:17:53Uh, no, not important.

01:17:55I just, um, you know, I haven't seen you in a while.

01:17:58Wanted to make sure everything's okay.

01:18:00Yeah, yeah, it's just, um,

01:18:02you know, I've been busy with the other pledges

01:18:03and Lindsey and I just...

01:18:05Oh, trading us in for a younger model.

01:18:07What?

01:18:08No, no, no, no, not at all.

01:18:09I just...

01:18:10I'm just fucking with you, Steiner.

01:18:11It's all good.

01:18:12I think it's great.

01:18:13Lindsey's great.

01:18:15But, hey, I'm still gonna see you at Tequila Sunrise, right?

01:18:18Yeah, of course.

01:18:19Okay, well, then I'll just let you get to class.

01:18:21Where are you off to?

01:18:23I, uh, I have a little homework situation myself.

01:18:26Oh, well, I'll catch you later.

01:18:28Okay.

01:18:44Mmm.

01:18:45I know we're coming down this weekend with Mom and Dad,

01:18:47but when I found out my little baby brother

01:18:49was in the city,

01:18:51she wanted to get some real food in ya.

01:18:53Mmm.

01:18:55Oh, you were really digging into that.

01:18:57I guess they don't have many ribeyes on campus, huh?

01:19:00I mean, dining halls are pretty much a hometown buffet, so...

01:19:04Gross.

01:19:05Oh, anywho, how was the interview?

01:19:07Oh, I know Dad is so excited

01:19:09to have you interning at the firm this summer.

01:19:12It was great.

01:19:13A lot of talent over there, though.

01:19:15I'll tell you what,

01:19:16it's going to be a good summer for the stew, man,

01:19:18if you know what I'm saying.

01:19:19Oh, yeah, I get that.

01:19:28God damn it.

01:19:29Oh, I know.

01:19:31This service here is abysmal.

01:19:33Excuse me.

01:19:34No, no, no, no, no, no.

01:19:35Just this bitch I go to school with.

01:19:38I'm just not sure I like you actually using that...

01:19:42That bitch?

01:19:44Singer.

01:19:45No, Molly, Sutter.

01:19:48Singer.

01:19:49No, Sutter.

01:19:51Singer!

01:19:52No, Sutter.

01:19:53Singer!

01:19:54Sutter!

01:19:55That girl sitting at the bar right now is Molly Singer.

01:19:58I went to school with her.

01:19:59She made my life a living hell.

01:20:01That girl right there is Molly Sutter.

01:20:04I go to school with her.

01:20:06She's friends with this asshole Asian,

01:20:08shows up at every single fucking prap party I have,

01:20:11must think he's...

01:20:12Pauly.

01:20:14Come on.

01:20:15We're leaving.

01:20:16Something smells rotten here,

01:20:19and it is not the fish.

01:20:21Wait a minute.

01:20:22Can I just finish my steak?

01:20:23Stuart!

01:20:26Oh, got to admit,

01:20:28you really changed my opinion of you, Molly.

01:20:31Really?

01:20:32Yeah.

01:20:33We lost so much money on Pebble Brook,

01:20:36I had to lay people off.

01:20:38Jesus.

01:20:39Yeah, well, it was just Nelson.

01:20:41Oh, well, that I can see.

01:20:43So, Elliot, tell me everything.

01:20:45Every little detail gets you closer to being rehired.

01:20:48Oh, uh, Elliot.

01:20:50Well, he's nice as hell.

01:20:52A little too nice.

01:20:53We've been working on that.

01:20:55And he, uh, overanalyzes everything.

01:20:57But when he takes a leap on something,

01:21:00he really commits.

01:21:01You know, and I feel like he's walking this perfect tightrope

01:21:04of having the world chew him up and spit him out

01:21:07or single-handedly changing him for the better.

01:21:10That was Carl.

01:21:14You know, I used to think naivete was a flaw.

01:21:18I saw it in Elliot.

01:21:21I think that's why I acted like such a tiger mom on steroids.

01:21:25I just wanted to protect him from it all, you know?

01:21:29Well, take it from someone who has met and dated

01:21:32every shithead this planet has to offer,

01:21:35he's a really good kid.

01:21:38And you should be proud.

01:21:41You both should.

01:21:44Anyway, um, I was thinking,

01:21:47after homecoming this weekend,

01:21:49you could come back and, you know,

01:21:52start generating some billable hours.

01:21:54I've got a really messy divorce

01:21:56with a 200-page prenup.

01:21:58It's got your name all over it.

01:22:00Oh.

01:22:01So, to Molly Singer.

01:22:03Okay.

01:22:04Hope your second time around was fun.

01:22:07Welcome back to reality.

01:22:32Are you sure you can trust these guys?

01:22:34Yes. These are my boys.

01:22:36We're gonna fuck shit up, right, guys?

01:22:38Yeah.

01:22:39Does anyone have to make before we leave?

01:22:41No, we're good. Let's go.

01:22:43Okay.

01:22:50Goddamn it, Chas.

01:23:06Yo, yo.

01:23:08Yo.

01:23:10Oh, sweet, beers.

01:23:12Yeah, I got you.

01:23:14Perfect.

01:23:18A little memory lane action?

01:23:20What brings these out?

01:23:22I, uh, went to the old apartment in town today.

01:23:25Got me feeling a little nostalgic, I guess.

01:23:28Oh, yeah?

01:23:29Yeah.

01:23:30Yeah.

01:23:31Yeah.

01:23:32Yeah.

01:23:33Yeah.

01:23:34A little nostalgic, I guess.

01:23:36Well, how very homecoming of you.

01:23:38Mm-hmm.

01:23:39So, as someone who has done it all over again,

01:23:43how's it going?

01:23:45Hmm.

01:23:46I don't know.

01:23:47Kind of the same.

01:23:48I guess I just have a lot of, uh,

01:23:50you know, questions and no answers.

01:23:53You want to know what I learned this time around?

01:23:56What?

01:23:58Pride is a double-edged sword, right?

01:24:02You're always on my case about that foolish pride of mine.

01:24:05Well, Miss Nostalgia, let's talk about pride pride.

01:24:08Remember that first parade we went to?

01:24:10Oh, that weekend, I think we murdered a few good brain cells.

01:24:14Oh, yeah.

01:24:15That's what pride's all about, right?

01:24:17It's about celebrating your authentic self

01:24:19and Twings and Speedos and the Rainbow Floats

01:24:21and Dice on Bikes.

01:24:22Mm-hmm.

01:24:23And that's fun to do, like, one weekend a year.

01:24:25But then there are those queens who do it all the time.

01:24:28It's not about the celebration anymore.

01:24:30It's about chasing the high.

01:24:31And they forget what pride was for in the first place.

01:24:34And the next thing you know, you're 52,

01:24:36you got skin of leather, you're addicted to meth,

01:24:38you're sitting at a bus stop with your jockstrap

01:24:40all hanging out, and you're talking to some imaginary...

01:24:42I'm sorry, is this story going somewhere?

01:24:44Yeah, just...

01:24:46Don't be the old queen, Molly.

01:24:51Just don't lose sight of the road ahead.

01:24:56Hmm.

01:24:58Speaking of which, what's up with the kid?

01:25:00What do you mean?

01:25:02The longer this thing goes on,

01:25:04the worse it's gonna be when he finds out.

01:25:06I was kind of just hoping I could disappear

01:25:08and not mention the whole Brenda hiring me thing.

01:25:11Ah.

01:25:13Should I just give you the meth dealer's number now, or...?

01:25:20All right.

01:25:21I love you, kid.

01:25:23I do.

01:25:25Love you.

01:25:27I will see you in a few hours.

01:25:31I am gonna go to bed with this guy.

01:25:34Mm, nice guy.

01:25:36Good night.

01:25:40Oh.

01:25:57Five, six, seven, eight.

01:25:59One, two, three, four...

01:26:01Go, condors!

01:26:03Go!

01:26:05Five!

01:26:07Win!

01:26:09Go!

01:26:11Yes!

01:26:13Nice! Great work, guys!

01:26:15Heather, way to stick that landing!

01:26:17Sully, I need you sliding in a little sooner, okay?

01:26:19Guys, get some rest. The bus leaves at 10 a.m. tomorrow.

01:26:22Awesome job!

01:26:24Hey, guys, a little help with the, uh...

01:26:27Okay.

01:26:29Fuck me, I guess, right?

01:26:31Goddamn it.

01:26:36Goddamn it.

01:26:38Goddamn it.

01:26:40Goddamn it.

01:26:42Goddamn it.

01:26:44Goddamn it.

01:26:46Goddamn it.

01:26:48Goddamn it.

01:26:50Goddamn it.

01:26:52Goddamn it.

01:27:02Hello?

01:27:08What the fuck?

01:27:12Let's get the mask, guys.

01:27:18Oh, fuck.

01:27:20Keep your eyes on this

01:27:30Try that shit on me, bitch.

01:27:36What the fuck was that?

01:27:38Thought these wings were just for show, huh?

01:27:40Miss!

01:27:42Okay.

01:27:50Oh, my God!

01:27:52Oh, my God!

01:27:54Oh, my God!

01:27:56What the fuck did you do?

01:27:58Grab him!

01:28:00Come on! Just grab him!

01:28:02Get him! Get him! Get him!

01:28:04Wait, wait, wait, wait!

01:28:14Fuck. Did we kill him?

01:28:16What do you mean, we? You.

01:28:18Where the fuck did you get a golf club, anyway?

01:28:20It was in the back of the car.

01:28:26All right. You guys grab his legs.

01:28:28I got his beak. Let's go.

01:28:48Yeah!

01:28:56Yeah!

01:28:58Yeah!

01:29:04Yeah!

01:29:18I got the arm.

01:29:20Chaz, get a hold of him.

01:29:22Okay.

01:29:24You better pray this fucking asshat wakes up.

01:29:26Come on. You guys go first.

01:29:28Let's go.

01:29:34He smells like death.

01:29:36Yeah, well, look where I'm standing.

01:29:38Oh, you got it bad, huh?

01:29:40She's pretty amazing, huh?

01:29:42Mm-hmm.

01:29:44Yeah.

01:29:46Listen, um, I wanted to...

01:29:48tell you something for a while.

01:29:50What?

01:29:52Uh, I just wanted to say thank you.

01:29:54Meeting you in public

01:29:56was a real pleasure.

01:29:58Thank you.

01:30:00You're welcome.

01:30:02What?

01:30:04Uh, I just wanted to say thank you.

01:30:06Meeting you and Polly

01:30:08has been...

01:30:10the best thing that's ever happened to me.

01:30:12It means the world.

01:30:14Thank you.

01:30:16Yeah, you know,

01:30:18um,

01:30:20Elliot, I, uh...

01:30:24I just, I think you're...

01:30:26you're a good egg.

01:30:28One of the best.

01:30:32Why don't you get out there?

01:30:34She's waiting on you.

01:30:36Yeah, get to...

01:30:38dancing.

01:30:48See you flip out of that bird, bitch.

01:30:56Look, I don't know

01:30:58what you want.

01:31:00If this is for ransom,

01:31:02my parents aren't rich.

01:31:04If...

01:31:06if this is for some

01:31:08furry fetish thing,

01:31:10at least give me some drugs

01:31:12so I don't remember.

01:31:16What is this?

01:31:18Do your jobs, Elliot.

01:31:20Oh, man, I can't believe

01:31:22we got away with this Molly Singer.

01:31:24I know it, Elliot Steiner.

01:31:26Why are you using your full names?

01:31:28We're Scientologists.

01:31:30Okay, like I said, Elliot Steiner.

01:31:32This will totally show those

01:31:34hell-hurst

01:31:36assholes that you and your

01:31:38chimey brothers rule campus.

01:31:40Go Badgers!

01:31:42Go Badgers!

01:31:44Wait, this is a homecoming prank?

01:31:46What is this,

01:31:481969?

01:31:50I'm gonna sue the shit out of you,

01:31:52Elliot Steiner,

01:31:54and what's your name?

01:31:56Molly Singer.

01:31:58My name's Molly Singer.

01:32:00Molly Singer!

01:32:02You have a good day, sir.

01:32:04I'm gonna fucking kill you!

01:32:06You're both so screwed!

01:32:12Fuck off!

01:32:18Go, go, go!

01:32:20Go, come on!

01:32:26Guys,

01:32:28I think Polly was line dancing

01:32:30when we left.

01:32:34Hello?

01:32:36Wait, where are you?

01:32:38Okay, no, it's fine.

01:32:40I'll be right there.

01:32:42I gotta go.

01:32:44My roommate got locked out again,

01:32:46and the RAs refused to let her in

01:32:48because she keeps losing her cape.

01:32:50Do you want me to go with you?

01:32:52No, it's fine.

01:32:54Let's walk over to the game together.

01:32:56Sounds good to me.

01:32:58I had a really good time.

01:33:00Me too.

01:33:02See you, Mom.

01:33:04Later, Lens.

01:33:08Steiner,

01:33:10Smooth looks good on you.

01:33:12What the fuck?

01:33:14Hello?

01:33:16Uh, hello?

01:33:18Get me the fuck outta here!

01:33:20Right here!

01:33:23What's that smell?

01:33:25It's me, okay, asshole?

01:33:27I had four Gatorades and I've been locked

01:33:29in this suit all night.

01:33:41Mom?

01:33:43I'm just gonna grab that head, okay?

01:33:45Coming in.

01:33:47Easy.

01:33:49My ear!

01:33:53I'm gonna sue you!

01:33:55And you too!

01:33:57Are you fucking insane?

01:33:59We're not even good at sports!

01:34:01My dad's brother...

01:34:03Your uncle?

01:34:05Yes, my uncle. He's a fucking lawyer.

01:34:07He's gonna eat your assholes

01:34:09for breakfast.

01:34:11All up in there.

01:34:13I think we should get you outta here.

01:34:15I'm just gonna...

01:34:17Analingus.

01:34:19Undo you.

01:34:21Freeze, freeze, freeze!

01:34:23Elia Steiner?

01:34:25Me?

01:34:27Mollie Singer?

01:34:29Yes?

01:34:31That's Mollie Singer!

01:34:33That's the psychopath that kidnapped me!

01:34:35Wait, what?

01:34:37Who's Mollie Singer?

01:34:47Are you ever gonna talk to me again?

01:34:51Okay.

01:34:53Fair enough.

01:34:55I deserve that.

01:35:01You're gonna eat that sandwich they give you.

01:35:03I didn't get a sandwich.

01:35:05Oh, you will.

01:35:07You will. And when you do...

01:35:09Yeah, yeah, it's all yours.

01:35:11Fuck yeah! You're my guy!

01:35:13I'll meet the nicest people at jail.

01:35:17Oh, wow.

01:35:21Were you ever gonna tell me

01:35:23that you were for my mom?

01:35:25Honestly,

01:35:27I... I don't know.

01:35:29I had no...

01:35:31no exit strategy.

01:35:33I just thought I'd...

01:35:35meet you,

01:35:37bump a few beers in you, and...

01:35:39Beers?

01:35:41Hey, now we're talking.

01:35:43You like beer? I had an IPA the other day

01:35:45called Crunchy Rooster.

01:35:47My entire

01:35:49blueprint for this whole plan

01:35:51was, like, weird science, for Christ's sake.

01:35:53But I didn't...

01:35:55What?

01:35:57But...

01:35:59I didn't realize how much I'd like you

01:36:01and what great friends we'd be, you know?

01:36:03Friends?

01:36:05Friends? Yeah.

01:36:07Okay.

01:36:09Steiner, Elliott,

01:36:11M.

01:36:13That's me.

01:36:15I made bail. Let's go.

01:36:17Hey, that's great.

01:36:19You know,

01:36:21I thought we'd be friends, too.

01:36:25Steiner, come on.

01:36:27Oh, okay. Guess I didn't make bail.

01:36:29You can't make bail till Monday.

01:36:31You're a lawyer.

01:36:33You should know that.

01:36:35What about him?

01:36:37Looks like he had a better lawyer than you.

01:36:39Oh, thank God, finally.

01:36:41Are you okay?

01:36:43Hey, Elliott,

01:36:45where are you going?

01:36:47Goddamn it, this is not a walk-away scenario!

01:36:49Stop it! I don't have the shoes to chase you!

01:36:51What do you want from me?

01:36:53No. Uh-uh.

01:36:55You do not get to have an attitude with me.

01:36:57I am not the one that went out

01:36:59and got drunk at 5 in the morning

01:37:01and then went and kidnapped a goddamn eagle.

01:37:03It was a condor.

01:37:05Who the fuck cares what it is?

01:37:07You literally hired some chick from your office

01:37:09to infiltrate my school,

01:37:11pretend to be my best friend, and spy on me.

01:37:15That is an excellent point.

01:37:17Jesus Christ.

01:37:19But where are you going?

01:37:21To my dorm room.

01:37:23That is, until they expel me.

01:37:27Damn it.

01:37:29Damn it.

01:37:37What do you think?

01:37:39Too veiny?

01:37:41Not veiny enough.

01:37:43I mean, some people like a veiny ding-dong.

01:37:45All right, Dick Cosso,

01:37:47I'm gonna need you, like, 5 feet over there.

01:37:59♪

01:38:09Good, singer!

01:38:13Thank you for bailing me out.

01:38:15Well, thank your platinum card.

01:38:17So now what?

01:38:19Well, I have to get dressed for court this morning

01:38:21to defend myself in a kidnapping charge,

01:38:23and I need you to help figure out who the hell set us up.

01:38:25Hmm. That's a tough one, singer.

01:38:27What are you spotting into all semester?

01:38:31Fucking stew.

01:38:33There she is.

01:38:35Ha!

01:38:49Hi.

01:38:51Hello.

01:38:57I'm gonna fucking kill you.

01:38:59We didn't do anything.

01:39:01You think I don't know that?

01:39:03Doesn't matter. You can't prove any of it.

01:39:05You got my son in this friggin' mess.

01:39:07I know. I'm gonna...

01:39:09All rise.

01:39:13The Honorable Raymond Palmer presiding.

01:39:19Be seated.

01:39:21Look at this good-looking group.

01:39:23All right, what do we have this morning?

01:39:25Mr. Elliot Steiner and Miss Molly Singer,

01:39:27are you present today?

01:39:29Yes, Your Honor.

01:39:31Yes, Your Honor.

01:39:33Good start. Okay.

01:39:35You two are accused of kidnapping one Mr. Sully Moran,

01:39:37a human being, and it says here

01:39:39the Fighting Condor mascot

01:39:41from Hillhurst University.

01:39:43Are you kidding me?

01:39:47Mike?

01:39:49Yes, Judge.

01:39:51Yeah, can we call the law clerk,

01:39:53these are not the type of cases we start a Monday with.

01:39:55Okay.

01:39:57Yeah, really feels like mascot kidnapping

01:39:59is a Tuesday afternoon sort of case.

01:40:01Okay.

01:40:03Great. How do you two plead?

01:40:05Your Honor, may I make a brief statement?

01:40:07For the sake of throwing

01:40:09all points of law out the window,

01:40:11no.

01:40:13What are you doing?

01:40:15Here she comes.

01:40:17Your Honor, I realize this is just a plea hearing,

01:40:19but I plead with you.

01:40:21Mr. Sully Moran,

01:40:23you have been found guilty

01:40:25of kidnapping one Mr. Sully Moran,

01:40:27a human being.

01:40:29Though I can categorically deny

01:40:31any involvement in the kidnapping

01:40:33of a stuffed condor,

01:40:35I implore you,

01:40:37Mr. Steiner had absolutely nothing

01:40:39to do with it.

01:40:41Any punishment should be directed solely on myself

01:40:43as I was acting as his guardian,

01:40:45and any actions taken by him

01:40:47would have been done under my direction.

01:40:49Mike.

01:40:51Ay-yi-yi, Miss Singer, that was certainly

01:40:53a gallant gesture on your part.

01:40:55Thank you, Your Honor.

01:40:57And absolutely devoid of literally any semblance

01:40:59of legal merit.

01:41:01I'm sorry. Do we have something to add from the gallery?

01:41:05Uh, no. I'm sorry, Your Judge.

01:41:07I mean, Your Honor. I'm sorry.

01:41:09Great.

01:41:11That being said, Mr. Steiner, how do you plead?

01:41:15Not guilty, Your Honor.

01:41:17Miss Singer?

01:41:19Not guilty.

01:41:21Great. Mr. Steiner, I see that you have counsel present.

01:41:23Uh, Miss Singer?

01:41:25Where's your counsel?

01:41:27I will be representing myself, Your Honor.

01:41:29Miss Steiner, would you be interested in a two-for-one?

01:41:31Oh, no.

01:41:33No, I'm not.

01:41:35Great. Then may I suggest you take your shoe

01:41:37and toss it out in the hallway,

01:41:39and maybe you can clock another lawyer

01:41:41that can help you with your case.

01:41:43We're gonna take an hour recess and press on.

01:41:45Bye, guys.

01:41:55Well, he's not at the Kai Mew house because the asshole is here

01:41:57and he's with Poles.

01:41:59Yes, I am telling you, these two are in it together.

01:42:01Oh, my God, she's walking up to me right now.

01:42:03It would be a really good time to find something.

01:42:05Oh, we gotta go. Uh, Poles?

01:42:07What the hell are you doing here?

01:42:09I have a case downstairs.

01:42:11But I heard about this,

01:42:13so I had to see for myself.

01:42:15And?

01:42:17And Stu, how did you two meet?

01:42:19At a hate group convention,

01:42:21or is he just one of your handjob pals?

01:42:23Handjob pals?

01:42:25Well, I guess you couldn't even be bothered

01:42:27to even remember my maiden name,

01:42:29even though we were in the same plunge class.

01:42:31Oh, wait.

01:42:33Gable?

01:42:35And when I found out

01:42:37you were making my little brother's life

01:42:39as miserable as you made mine,

01:42:41I knew I had to stop you.

01:42:43So I'm gonna be there

01:42:45when they march you into prison.

01:42:49How do you like those handjobs?

01:42:51It was worth the carpal tunnel.

01:42:59Oh, come on, Polly.

01:43:06Oh, God.

01:43:08Okay.

01:43:11Thank you, Polly.

01:43:15If somebody else died here, I'm so screwed.

01:43:17Relax, no one's dead, okay?

01:43:19Some prick kidnapped the Hillhurst mascot

01:43:21and is trying to frame Molly

01:43:23in that Steiner kid movie we hang out with.

01:43:25Ugh, classic college bully move.

01:43:27Yeah, yeah, sure. So now I need something, anything

01:43:29to keep my best friend out of jail.

01:43:31Oh, gosh, I don't...

01:43:33If...

01:43:35If...

01:43:37I show you something, you promise to keep it top secret?

01:43:39Shh.

01:43:41Maybe.

01:43:43Walk this way.

01:43:45Okay.

01:43:47Where are you taking me? I don't have time for this.

01:43:49I need to find some evidence that'll...

01:43:51Trust me, it's worth it.

01:43:53But what are we doing here?

01:43:55I told you.

01:44:01I'm waiting.

01:44:03I'm waiting, too.

01:44:05Huh?

01:44:07What the actual fuck?

01:44:17What am I looking at here, Scott?

01:44:19Okay, okay.

01:44:21Before you think that I'm a total creepy perv,

01:44:23it's just a mustache

01:44:25and some cameras.

01:44:27So after the pole incident,

01:44:29I got really paranoid,

01:44:31so it started off with one camera,

01:44:33and now we're looking at, uh,

01:44:35six of these big boys.

01:44:39You sick sliver-watching motherfucker!

01:44:41Please tell me these things record!

01:44:43Fuck yeah, they do.

01:44:45Sweet.

01:44:47Again, not a perv, just paranoid.

01:44:49Most of the time.

01:44:51I occasionally come in here and whack it.

01:44:53Not often, though.

01:44:57Can I sit?

01:44:59Yeah, go ahead.

01:45:03All right.

01:45:16So how's Lindsay?

01:45:18She's good.

01:45:20Good.

01:45:30You know,

01:45:32no matter how much

01:45:34I do want to hate you,

01:45:36I do realize

01:45:38that I

01:45:40would have never had the courage

01:45:42to talk to her again.

01:45:44Really, the courage to do

01:45:46anything.

01:45:48So whether you're paid or not to do it,

01:45:50thank you.

01:45:54Well, I think

01:45:56I should be the one thanking you.

01:45:58Because without you,

01:46:00I realize that

01:46:02my best years are yet to come.

01:46:04Not just in my rear view.

01:46:08But I'm really sorry I didn't say anything.

01:46:12We're gonna go to fucking jail, aren't we?

01:46:16No, no, we are not.

01:46:18We're not going to jail.

01:46:20I've got my best guy on it.

01:46:24Swear to God, I didn't know that was gonna happen.

01:46:26Singer!

01:46:28Wally?

01:46:35Guess you found something.

01:46:37Some information we need or something?

01:46:39Are you okay?

01:46:41Not okay?

01:46:43And wheezing a lot.

01:46:51All right.

01:46:53So what am I looking at here?

01:46:55Your Honor, new evidence has come to light

01:46:57that clears my client and Miss Singer.

01:46:59You didn't think to lead with it?

01:47:01Well, it just became available

01:47:03to us a few minutes ago, Your Honor.

01:47:05Good.

01:47:09Oh, man, I can't believe we got away with this Molly Singer.

01:47:11I know it, Elliot Steiner.

01:47:15Is that the jackhole that was laughing

01:47:17in my courtroom this morning?

01:47:19Stewart Gable. He's a fraternity brother

01:47:21of Mr. Steiner's and was trying to get him

01:47:23kicked out of school.

01:47:25Oh.

01:47:27And who's this Meryl Streep over here?

01:47:29Go ahead!

01:47:31Trina Delgado. She's trying a case downstairs

01:47:33as we speak.

01:47:35She's a lawyer as well?

01:47:37Yes, Your Honor.

01:47:39You know, what is going on with law school?

01:47:41Are they just letting anybody in these days?

01:47:43Is it the new math? Is that it?

01:47:45Participation? Law degrees?

01:47:47You know what? Just save it.

01:47:49Don't want to hear it. Case dismissed. Mike!

01:47:51Yes, Judge?

01:47:53I need you to round up some more idiots.

01:47:55Okay.

01:47:59Thank you, sir.

01:48:01You, sir, have no idea what you're doing!

01:48:03I will have all of your jobs, do you hear me?

01:48:05Do you know who I am?

01:48:07Fine, just call Dad, all right? Just call Dad!

01:48:09Larva fish clip, Molly!

01:48:11Just call Dad!

01:48:13How do you like them handjobs?

01:48:15Hope someone rollerblades up your vagina, Molly!

01:48:17What?

01:48:19That's an interesting crowd

01:48:21you two hang out with.

01:48:25Not bad.

01:48:30I guess I'll see you around.

01:48:32Yeah, see you later, Steiner.

01:48:34Bye.

01:48:36Bye.

01:48:40Oh, there you are.

01:48:42Yep, I'm here.

01:48:44Oh, God.

01:48:46Didn't you just drive here?

01:48:48I could have.

01:48:50In hindsight, I could have.

01:48:52So you ran.

01:48:54I didn't have to.

01:48:56But I did.

01:48:58Let's get you some water.

01:49:00Okay.

01:49:14I know a lot of people

01:49:16think if they had the chance

01:49:18to do it all over again,

01:49:20they would.

01:49:22Well, I'm here to tell you,

01:49:24when it comes to your life,

01:49:26it's all about living your present.

01:49:28Constantly looking back

01:49:30will just give you a neckache.

01:49:32Elliot certainly got what he wanted.

01:49:34President of his pledge class.

01:49:36And completely reshaped

01:49:38Kai Mu from the ground up.

01:49:40Polly finished first

01:49:42in his ed psych class,

01:49:44graduated with honors,

01:49:46won back his family's respect,

01:49:48and now he's shooting

01:49:50for his master's degree in education.

01:49:52You know, for the kids and shit.

01:49:54And me?

01:49:56I finally realized

01:49:58what I like doing.

01:50:00Helping those shy caterpillars

01:50:02become full motherfucking butterflies.

01:50:08Everybody says that college

01:50:10is the best four to seven,

01:50:12nine years of your life.

01:50:14I used to be a firm believer in that axiom.

01:50:16Until a really good friend

01:50:18showed me

01:50:20life does get better as we get older.

01:50:24It just takes longer for some of us to realize.

The Re-Education of Molly HD ( Comedy )

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