First broadcast 16th August 2013.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Sarah Millican
Chris Ramsey
Rob Broderick (as Abandoman)
James Hancox (as Abandoman)
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Sarah Millican
Chris Ramsey
Rob Broderick (as Abandoman)
James Hancox (as Abandoman)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:34Sean Lock,
00:36Jon Richardson,
00:38Sarah Millican,
00:40Chris Ramsey,
00:42Abandon Man,
00:44Susie Dent,
00:46and Rachel Riley.
00:48Now, welcome your hosts,
00:50Jimmy Carr!
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:03Did you know, for example,
01:05an average of 1,500 words are needed
01:07in order to properly communicate in a foreign language?
01:10It's a lesson I learned the hard way
01:12in the basement of a Mexico City strip club.
01:14I did my best, but that was not what I asked for.
01:19Although it was terrific.
01:22Correct use of grammar is very important.
01:24For example, an incorrect use of grammar
01:26is to keep it in the spare room after she's died
01:29so you can keep on claiming grammar's pension.
01:33And William Shakespeare invented over 1,700 English words and phrases.
01:37In fact, one of his plays, Titus Andronicus,
01:40even contains a Your Mum joke.
01:42Presumably, your mum's got Titus Andronicus.
01:46Right, let's get started.
01:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:54OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:56First up, it's Sean Lock.
01:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:03I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
02:06Yeah.
02:08It's me!
02:11It's me!
02:14Sean has often been described as anger in human form,
02:17with the easygoing charm of a wounded prisoner with a flick knife.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:23And on Sean's team this evening, Sarah Millican.
02:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:33Countdown is incredibly popular in Sarah's hometown.
02:36No-one gets anything done in Newcastle when Countdown is on.
02:39Or, indeed, when Countdown is not on.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:44Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson.
02:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:56Jon used to live alone in Swindon,
02:58but now he lives in London with all his friends,
03:00Big Ted and Be-Bag Dave.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:05Jon's got himself a girlfriend at long last.
03:07Congratulations to everyone involved.
03:09For the online dating industry, getting Jon a girlfriend
03:12was the equivalent of finding the Higgs boson.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16I thought, well, I'll take it, I've got a girlfriend, mate.
03:19And Jon's team-mate, it's Geordie Chris-Ramsay.
03:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:28Chris says if he didn't work in telly, he'd like to work in a zoo.
03:31Chris, you could have combined the two and got a job on Geordie Shore.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36Chris admits he spends a lot of time making his hair straight.
03:39Ironic, as it could not look gayer.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:45Jon, do you think Chris is going to be a help or a hindrance?
03:48Because you had Sarah last time.
03:50Yeah, sort of same thing, isn't it, really?
03:52North-east hair.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56Sweeping generalisation across genders.
03:59Sorry, Sarah, what?
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03I mean, it's a shame Sarah's fled the nest, but that's what I do.
04:07I bring people on, I build them up, I release them into the wild.
04:11This is the wild, is it?
04:14Compared to Jon, anything's wild.
04:19So, Chris, are you a fan of the show?
04:21Erm, I'm a fan of the show in the same way, like,
04:24dogs are fans of watching humans have sex.
04:27I sort of watch it and I sort of pretend I know what's going on,
04:30but I'm still enjoying it.
04:32When your dog catches you having sex and it's just going...
04:37Your dog's never seen me have sex cos he's facing the other way.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:42APPLAUSE
04:48OK, have you got a mascot this week, Jon?
04:50Well, a lot of people have, like, lucky pants, and I've never...
04:54I don't consider anything that's touched my penis to be that lucky.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59What I've gone for this week is a sort of a distraction technique.
05:03Ooh.
05:05So I shall be playing a character this week
05:07that will both intimidate Sean
05:10and drive Sarah wild with sexual desire.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:18It's working.
05:21Oh, no, now you're turned round.
05:26What are you?
05:28I'm the Countdown Kid.
05:32You're the what now?
05:34LAUGHTER
05:37Jon, to me, you look like something Elton John's ordered
05:40in case he's a bit cacky.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:47You've got a pretty mouth, kid.
05:49You ain't going to be laughing so much in 30 seconds' time
05:52when I'm going to get a six and you're going to get a five.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:57APPLAUSE
05:59LAUGHTER
06:03Countdown Kid didn't know studio was going to be so hot.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:08Are you getting a sweaty head?
06:10Countdown Kid might have a bit of a sweat problem.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:15OK, so, Sarah, you were on Jon's team last week with the Countdown Kid.
06:18Yeah. You were Sean this evening. What do you think?
06:21Well, Jon didn't wear the hat last week and he won,
06:24so I think it's not a lucky charm at all.
06:27I don't think he can keep it up. I mean, the accent.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:34You've got a pretty mouth.
06:36It's lipstick on, so it looks like a vagina.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:41Oh, that's what lipstick's for, did you not know?
06:43Countdown Kid think that's ironic,
06:45cos when you open your mouth, everybody else gets fucked.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:50LAUGHTER
06:54That didn't make any sense at all.
06:59I'm sorry, that wasn't me.
07:01Sean, have you been practising?
07:03Practising, yeah, I went on the Egyptian countdown.
07:06Did you? How was that?
07:08That's tough, because you get vowel, consonant, bird,
07:11man side on, big eye,
07:15side on, man with pot.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20APPLAUSE
07:24I think, actually, there's a gross unfairness in this game.
07:27Week in, week out, Jon is much better at Countdown than me.
07:32So it's quite humiliating.
07:34If we could do something that I was good at,
07:37something like catching.
07:40I'm quite good at catch.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:45I could have gone one of two ways.
07:48Have you got a mascot?
07:50Have I got a mascot? Here we go.
07:53Oh! Oh, look at his little face!
07:56Don't wake him up, don't wake him up!
07:59What's his name?
08:01I haven't bothered.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:05The reason this is lucky, this is lucky,
08:07is because I thought I'd run over my cat.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:13I said to the Robinsons,
08:15can I have it?
08:17I said, don't bury it, can I have it?
08:19And he always reminded me of how lucky I am.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24There we go.
08:26That's lovely.
08:28Over in Dictionary Corner, it's a banderman.
08:30APPLAUSE
08:36Rob and James, lovely to have you with us.
08:38A banderman or an improv hip-hop comedy duo from Ireland?
08:42God, not another one.
08:44We are one of many hip-hop crews invading the shores.
08:47You're a crew?
08:49We're like a miniature So Solid crew.
08:51Instead of 21 seconds, we're doing 30 seconds to go.
08:54So nine seconds better.
08:56LAUGHTER
08:58OK, and with a banderman, of course, we've got Susie Dent.
09:01APPLAUSE
09:04Susie's favourite film is Dirty Dancing,
09:07and nobody puts Susie in the corner except the makers of Countdown.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:12Susie, you've got a banderman today in Dictionary Corner, which is great.
09:15Who's your dream guest?
09:17Ooh, am I allowed a dead person?
09:19I mean, alive.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:23Can I have Samuel Johnson?
09:25Samuel Johnson, the original writer?
09:27Yeah. He's going to be very outdated.
09:29He could tell us about brilliant words.
09:31One of my favourite words, which is retro-mingency.
09:34Retro-mingency?
09:36LAUGHTER
09:38Is that what it used to be, like a big bush? Is that a retro...?
09:41LAUGHTER
09:43It means peeing backwards.
09:45Sucking it back in?
09:47LAUGHTER
09:49What do you mean, peeing backwards?
09:51Well, I think, apparently, rhinos and hares can sort of pee so that it...
09:56I didn't research this one, but it kind of, you know, just goes backwards.
10:00Well, I could do that. I just...
10:02LAUGHTER
10:06In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
10:09APPLAUSE
10:15Rachel Riley, she's hotter and cleverer than Stephen Hawking on a sunbed.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:21Rachel, have you got any advice for tonight's competitors?
10:24Just, you know, stay cool. I know you're pretty nervous about this,
10:27but a contestant's actually won three points with a three-letter word once,
10:30so, you know, even if you're rubbish, you'll get down there with a two-letter word.
10:33I'm not going to know where you set the bar,
10:35cos there's two Northerners on, two Georgians on.
10:37What do you know? At is a word.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:41OK, well, tonight, our teams will be competing for this coveted Countdown teapot.
10:46CHEERING
10:48OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for the first game.
10:51Sean and Sarah, you're first to flick the letters.
10:54Well, I've got a problem, actually, with playing this game,
10:57cos I don't have a pen.
10:59I think it's going to make it difficult for me.
11:02Sean, big good news, I've got a pen and you're good at catching.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:20OK, Sean, go ahead, flick the letters.
11:23Are you going to do it?
11:25No, you can choose. Vowels and consonants.
11:27I reckon you can pull it off.
11:29Maybe later.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:33Can I have your vowels, please, Rachel?
11:35Thank you, Sarah. Start with U.
11:37And another vowel, please.
11:39I
11:40And another.
11:42O
11:43And a consonant.
11:45C
11:46And another consonant, please.
11:48N
11:49And another.
11:51T
11:52LAUGHTER
11:57I set the clock off, I don't know what time it is.
12:00I never get awards!
12:08OK, Sarah?
12:10And another consonant, please.
12:12L
12:13And another consonant.
12:15R
12:16And a vowel, please.
12:18And the last one.
12:19E
12:20OK, everyone, let's count down.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:46It's a little bit firm, though.
12:51Oh, lovely, thank you.
12:53Does anyone else want a massage?
12:55Is that a real request?
12:57Do you want one?
12:59Yeah, I've slept funny, I've got a little bit of a trap nervage going on.
13:03OK.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:07APPLAUSE
13:14Oh, God.
13:16Oh, you just touched the hair, that's it.
13:20My management are going to have your fucking bollocks, mate.
13:24I can actually see them through the sweatpants.
13:29OK, thank you, Mr Ooster.
13:38I don't want to brag, but I've slept with one of them.
13:43You can knock it, he's a lovely fella.
13:45What have you got?
13:46John?
13:47Kid.
13:48Sorry, what have you got, Countdown Kid?
13:50Kid got a seven.
13:52Chris?
13:53I think I've got a five, but I might have spelled it wrong,
13:56but that doesn't matter.
13:58OK, Sarah, what have you got?
13:59I've got a seven.
14:00Fabulous. Sean?
14:01Seven.
14:02Oh, so three sevens, OK.
14:04So, Chris, what was your five?
14:05Leader.
14:06OK, John, what's your seven?
14:08Kid's word difficult to say in a kid's accent.
14:11Kid got counter.
14:16Kid got recount.
14:18Kid just changed it to recount. Easier to say.
14:22OK, Sarah?
14:24I had recount.
14:26Yeah, I've got counter.
14:28Counter, recount, OK.
14:29So, seven points to both teams.
14:38OK, on to our first numbers round.
14:40John, Chris, your turn to pick.
14:42Take it, Chris.
14:44It's the first time I've ever done this, so I'm going to go all out.
14:47Four big ones.
14:50OK, the two small are eight and two.
14:53And the large ones, 50, 25, 100 and 75.
14:58OK, no-one is expected to get this other than Rachel.
15:00And the target, 441.
15:02Well, that should be easy enough. OK.
15:04Let's count down.
15:08Oh, I've got it.
15:15THEY CONFER
15:36OK, time is up. What have you got, Sarah?
15:39I've got 450.
15:41450, nine away, OK. Sean?
15:44Kid got 440.
15:46440?
15:48Kid hope so.
15:52OK, Chris?
15:53450 as well.
15:54OK, 440. Tell us how you did it, John.
15:56Kid said...
15:58Kid going to take a break for a moment.
16:0175.
16:0575 over 25.
16:0775 over 25 is three.
16:09Plus the two.
16:10Plus the two is five.
16:12Plus the 50.
16:13Plus the 50, 55.
16:15Times by eight.
16:16Times by eight, 440. One away, well done.
16:22OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
16:27450, one away, well done.
16:35OK, so seven points to John there.
16:37Could they have done it, Rachel?
16:39Yes, you could have done it.
16:41You could have said 50 plus two is 52.
16:44Times by eight is 416.
16:46And add on the 25.
16:48APPLAUSE
16:54OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
16:57Abandon Man, you guys improvise raps,
17:00so I'm going to give you a challenge.
17:02OK, John and Chris, Sarah and Sean, you've all got a whiteboard
17:05and you need to write down your favourite word.
17:07Abandon Man, you need to improvise a rap around those words.
17:11OK, would you like the rap about anything?
17:14Oh, God, that... Yeah, OK.
17:16Like a love song, about, like, someone that you loved,
17:19but you were in a relationship and they were in a relationship,
17:22and they... You could... You probably would,
17:25but neither of you want to break the ice.
17:27Yeah, but... And they...
17:30They, um, stack soup in a supermarket.
17:35And then John has to stack soup in a supermarket.
17:38Jimmy, can we do this song about you,
17:40who dedicated all the ladies from the supermarkets?
17:43Everyone we point to, you just flip the words.
17:46I'm going to play Jimmy Carr with an Irish accent, if that's OK.
17:49It's dedicated to all the supermarket ladies.
17:52Make some noise.
17:54Something Jimmy wants to say
17:56Something me wants to say
17:58And there's something Jimmy wants to say
18:00Your mic is hot, but in a special way
18:02You see, you see, every single day
18:04I'm trying to tell the truth
18:06Lady at the supermarket, you've got soup
18:08I say, yep, don't you know, yep, you're so hot
18:11I'm a long-haired version of Sherlock
18:13I think about you, I don't know what to say
18:15I want to order spaghetti, but I say sal-up-pet-it
18:19Yeah, that's right, no doubt in it
18:21Some words, I can't even pronounce this
18:23Man, you know, you know it's legit
18:25But I move on, I try to be slick
18:27Like a cowboy kit when he flips it
18:29Yeah, man, you know, I got the knowledge
18:31Instead I buy fruit like orange
18:33Yeah, that's right, we're two and divide
18:35Genuinely, that's the only word that doesn't ever rhyme
18:37But man, you know, I've gone too far
18:39Following you where you are, I need supermarket spa
18:42Yeah, that's right, you know that I'm checking it
18:44Right now, man, I feel so dexterous
18:47I'm saying I won't be sectarian
18:49My love is into anti-disestablishmentarianism
18:52Yeah, man, it's true
18:54I want you and your soup
18:56You know I'll never have a frown
18:58Me, Jimmy Carr, with you, watch it count down
19:01That's right, man, my heart is started
19:03This is love in the supermarket
19:09Thank you very much.
19:15Goodbye, everyone.
19:17OK, this is yours for the moment.
19:19Sarah and Sean have seven, John and Chris have 14.
19:26And here's your teaser.
19:28The words are Sean's bum, and the clue is brightens your day.
19:31That's Sean's bum brightens your day.
19:33See you after the break.
19:39Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were Sean's bum,
19:42and the clue was brightens your day.
19:44It was, of course, sunbeams.
19:46So, John and Chris are in the lead with 14 points.
19:48We're going to mix things up a little bit for this round.
19:50Sean, you're going to go head-to-head against John.
19:52This one's only for you guys.
19:54John, your turn to pick the letters.
19:56John or the kid, don't mind, I've got access to both.
20:00OK, Countdown Kid, it's your turn to pick the letters.
20:03I feel like I'm indulging a child.
20:06Howdy.
20:07Howdy.
20:08Kid want a consonant.
20:11Kid got N.
20:14Kid want a vowel.
20:16Kid got A.
20:20Kid want a consonant.
20:23Kid got K.
20:27Kid having a lot of fun.
20:30Kid want another consonant.
20:33D.
20:34Kid want a vowel.
20:37E.
20:44Kid should have asked for a vowel first.
20:48Kid want another vowel.
20:51I.
20:52Kid want a consonant.
20:54G.
20:55Kid need a throat lozenge.
20:59Kid needs a fucking life.
21:07Oh, God.
21:08Kid don't carry on.
21:10Kid want a consonant.
21:13P.
21:16Kid want another vowel.
21:18And kid got E.
21:20OK, your time starts now.
21:36Oh!
21:47Oi!
21:48Get out!
21:51You should give up a thought.
21:56Ooh!
21:58What happened there?
21:59Nothing, nothing.
22:00You've broken count down.
22:02No!
22:04What have you done?
22:05Nothing, nothing.
22:07OK. Sean, how many letters?
22:09Six.
22:10Six? OK. And what have you got, Sean?
22:12Seven.
22:14Sean, what's your six?
22:15Gained.
22:16John?
22:17Peeking.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:21Like a duck.
22:23Like a peeking duck? The place?
22:25The peeking duck, but peeking at the person going to eat it.
22:28LAUGHTER
22:32Where is the Countdown Kid from?
22:35Kid get on a horse, kid travel, kid pick up a hat.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:41Because he sounded, initially, I thought he was a cowboy,
22:44but now I think he might be Mr T.
22:46LAUGHTER
22:49You make a good point.
22:51It take a long time to get here on a horse,
22:54cos kid ain't getting on a plane.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:58APPLAUSE
23:01APPLAUSE
23:04And you got seven points.
23:06APPLAUSE
23:11Susie, could they have done any better?
23:13No, I think John got the tops.
23:15He's very good.
23:16The only seven I could find.
23:18Yeah, brilliant.
23:20LAUGHTER
23:22It's only week in, week out we play this pissing game.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:26It's not fair, it's just not fair.
23:29It's ridiculous.
23:30Well, what can anyone else say?
23:32This has to be stopped, because it's not fair.
23:34Someone's good at something, someone's rubbish at it,
23:36but you make them play it over and over and over again.
23:40OK, the scores are Sean and Sarah have seven points,
23:43John and Chris have 21 points.
23:45APPLAUSE
23:53We need to take the Chris out of John and Chris,
23:55cos I feel really bad piggybacking on his success.
23:58I'm doing nothing.
24:00Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
24:02You're a Geordie, that's your heritage.
24:04LAUGHTER
24:08OK, now it's time for Sarah to go up against Chris.
24:10This numbers round is just for you two.
24:12Sarah, you're to pick the numbers.
24:14Can I have two big ones and the rest small ones, please?
24:18You can. Two big, four little, and you don't have to use them all.
24:21OK. And they are six.
24:23Cleaning the rules for the Geordies.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:28Two, and the large, 225 and 75.
24:32And the target, 319.
24:34Your time starts now.
24:36MUSIC
24:54MUSIC
25:07OK, Sarah, have you got it?
25:09I've got 318.
25:11Chris?
25:13Yeah, I've got 325.
25:15OK, Sarah, how did you get 318?
25:17I might have done it wrong, but let's give it a go.
25:1975 plus 25 plus 6 is 106.
25:22Yep.
25:244 minus 1 is 3, so multiply the 106 by the 3 is 318.
25:29Ah, that's witchcraft.
25:31APPLAUSE
25:38Chris, if you want to see witchcraft, this is witchcraft.
25:41Rachel, how's it meant to be done?
25:43Yes, you could have said 75 times 4 is 300,
25:47and then add the 25 and take away the 6.
25:51319.
25:53APPLAUSE
26:00Seven points to Sarah and Sean.
26:02APPLAUSE
26:05OK, so I'll check in on the scores.
26:07At the moment, Sarah and Sean have 14 points,
26:09Jon and Chris have 21.
26:11APPLAUSE
26:16And here's your teaser. The words are TOOLFLAP,
26:19and the clue is A LOT OF MEN ARE FAMILIAR WITH THIS.
26:22TOOLFLAP, A LOT OF MEN ARE FAMILIAR WITH THIS.
26:24See you after the break.
26:26APPLAUSE
26:30Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were TOOLFLAP,
26:33and the clue was A LOT OF MEN ARE FAMILIAR WITH THIS.
26:36It was, of course, football.
26:38OK, well, Rachel, you've been working very hard.
26:40Why don't we give you a little bit of help?
26:42Let's bring out your glamorous assistant, ladies and gentlemen,
26:44Jo Wilkinson!
26:46APPLAUSE
26:50CHEERING
26:59Jo...
27:00Wow.
27:01..why are you wearing a wedding dress, Jo?
27:03I'll be honest with you, Jimmy, it's been a bit of a cock-up.
27:06LAUGHTER
27:07Well, just talk me through it, Jo. What's happened?
27:09I've had a couple of drinks.
27:11And I got a text from Rachel,
27:14which said, um,
27:17Sobered up a bit.
27:19Reread it, and it said,
27:25So now I feel like a bit of a dick.
27:28Good night, girls!
27:30LAUGHTER
27:32It just dawned on me as well, Jimmy, if we were getting married,
27:35I should have just probably worn a suit.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:42But what is really annoying
27:44is I've had the figurines done for the top of the cake.
27:49That's, uh, Rachel there.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:53She's had a drink, but she's got a calculator there.
27:56LAUGHTER
28:00And then there's one of me.
28:05APPLAUSE
28:07APPLAUSE
28:13Jo, you're still Rachel's assistant?
28:15Oh, yeah, very much so, yeah.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:19How's that been going? Anything unusual this week from Rachel?
28:22Any requests that are out of the ordinary?
28:24Unusual. She asked me to push a fox shit
28:27through Carol Vorderman's letterbox.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:31APPLAUSE
28:38I'll be honest with you, Jimmy, she asks me to do that every week, so...
28:42Rachel, are there any areas that you feel
28:44where Jo could improve as your PA?
28:46Doubt it.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:50Well, he gets a little bit confused, you know,
28:52and he doesn't know the letters, and he can't do the maths.
28:55If you drank as much as I do, love, you'd struggle.
28:58LAUGHTER
29:00At least you know I'm not worried about my job security,
29:03cos good luck, Countdown.
29:06Oh, I'm just here to sex it up a little.
29:08LAUGHTER
29:10OK, back to the game. Sean and Sarah, you're to choose the letters.
29:13Oh, Christ.
29:15Well, I think so far, Sarah, you've done a superb job.
29:19It's been a real pleasure having you on the team.
29:21Aw, do you really mean it?
29:23I do mean that, I mean that. So I'd really like you to choose the letters.
29:27Your voice says something different.
29:29LAUGHTER
29:31Yeah. Um, can I have a vowel, please?
29:34Shouldn't really be doing this shit on my big day, is that right?
29:37LAUGHTER
29:40Can I have another vowel, please?
29:42Oh, you've taken a piss.
29:44LAUGHTER
29:46That'll do, yeah, for the other ones. Attitude kind of needs work.
29:49Can I have another vowel, please?
29:51That's your lot now, love.
29:53LAUGHTER
29:55Can I have a consonant, please? Yes, you may.
29:57Thank you. W.
29:59And another consonant, please, Rachel?
30:02S. Thank you.
30:04And another?
30:06V.
30:08And a vowel, please?
30:10Yeah!
30:12LAUGHTER
30:14Yeah!
30:16I.
30:18And a consonant, please?
30:20You've got too many consonants.
30:22L.
30:24And another consonant, please?
30:26And the last one, J.
30:28OK, your time starts now.
30:30MUSIC PLAYS
31:01OK, what have you got, Chris?
31:03I don't want to say.
31:05Come on, what have you got?
31:07It's a very wobbly two.
31:09LAUGHTER
31:12A wobbly two.
31:14OK, John, what have you got?
31:16Kid got a six, but it's especially pertinent.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:22OK. Sarah, what have you got?
31:24I've got a five, but it's six not written down.
31:27Are you saying six?
31:29Yeah, but it's not written down.
31:31Sean, what have you got?
31:33Six. OK, let's go to Chris first.
31:35What's your two-letter word?
31:37On.
31:39LAUGHTER
31:41OK, what have you got, Sarah?
31:43Loaves.
31:45OK, Sean, your six?
31:47This is what women usually say to the kid,
31:50which is...
31:52swivel.
31:54LAUGHTER
31:56OK, we've got an incredibly pertinent six-letter word here,
31:59from Countdown Kid.
32:01For the Countdown fans, from the...
32:03LAUGHTER
32:05From where, sorry?
32:07The Countdown fans, from the Countdown Kid,
32:10the word is vowels.
32:13Like the letters A, I, O and U, son of a bitch.
32:17LAUGHTER
32:20So six points to both teams.
32:22APPLAUSE
32:27Over to Dictionary Corner. Susie, could they have done any better?
32:30Just six is olives, waves with an I, vowels is the best.
32:34Well, swivel was great too.
32:36And loaves.
32:38LAUGHTER
32:41OK, so scores are... Sarah and Sean are on 20.
32:44Jon and Chris are on 27.
32:46APPLAUSE
32:52On to another numbers round. OK, Jon and Chris,
32:54your turn to pick the numbers.
32:56One big five little bitty shitty one.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:01Are you going to help?
33:03I was just thinking the plates need modernising a little bit.
33:06So I brought a couple of horse-brosses.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:12Give it a bit of sparkle.
33:15There you go, now we're on.
33:17Right, I'll do the numbers.
33:19Oh, I'm going to hear you to it.
33:22A bit of tension in that relationship now, I can see it.
33:25Well, if she stands me up, I'll...
33:27He's actually getting fed up with you, Joe.
33:29I doubt it, mate.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:34What's she got to get a hump about?
33:36LAUGHTER
33:39Oh, I feel sick.
33:40Target, 311.
33:42OK, your time starts now.
33:4550.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:50Six times 50.
33:53LAUGHTER
34:04LAUGHTER
34:07LAUGHTER
34:15Sarah, what have you got?
34:17312.
34:18312, pretty close. Sean?
34:20311.
34:21Perfect.
34:22Yeah.
34:24Jon?
34:25Ditto.
34:27The same.
34:29311, mate.
34:31LAUGHTER
34:34LAUGHTER
34:37APPLAUSE
34:44It's annoying, innit?
34:46LAUGHTER
34:48Uh-huh. Chris, what have you got?
34:50I've got 311.
34:51311, Chris, tell us how you got 311.
34:54I've got the two ones, added them together to make two.
34:58LAUGHTER
35:00Imagine I've written that down.
35:02LAUGHTER
35:07Then I used another one, again, make three,
35:10and then I used the two ones again and I put them next to each other.
35:13LAUGHTER
35:15Sean, how did you do it?
35:17I did it. Six times 50, it's 300.
35:21Seven plus six is 13.
35:23Take off the one and the one, you've got a free cell.
35:26You've got... You've got... The kid's got free...
35:29LAUGHTER
35:32LAUGHTER
35:34Jon, how did you do it?
35:36Same way.
35:3750 plus one times six is 306,
35:40and then six minus the other one is five.
35:42Er...
35:44LAUGHTER
35:46OK, ten points to both teams.
35:48APPLAUSE
35:54OK, time to go to the Predictionary Corner.
35:56Abandon Man, I have a challenge for you.
35:58We've asked everyone to bring along an object this evening.
36:00They're special to us in some way, so we're going to show you the objects
36:03and I'd like you to improvise a rap about them.
36:05So if everyone at home, Abandon Man, have never seen these objects before,
36:08they're just going to see them now for the first time.
36:10We're going to try. If you guys want to take out your special objects.
36:13Make some noise, these are the special objects.
36:15Make some noise!
36:17First of all, man, I'm going on the job
36:19Chip's all up, man, he's showing me the owl
36:21Looking at this, man, hope might spring
36:23It's a dope owl that's got string
36:25Yep, I've got the bat, man, yep, yep
36:27Very careful to match it
36:29Boom, cherry, that's right, you know that
36:31It's the biz, it's one cherry for the countdown kit
36:34Now, over there, man, you know, should I mention
36:37I'm going up north and I pick up a penguin
36:39Yep, you know that we rap it with the car
36:41You can take that, that's a penguin bar
36:43Now, here's my friend, you know it's not disastrous
36:46He gives me the leg, and frankly it's a classic
36:49Yep, it's totally fantastic, I pass that bat quick
36:52Now I'm going to grab this, man, you know that it's true
36:55OK, that's great, that's fake poo
36:58I'm looking at this, I aim for the stars
37:00I was genuinely hoping it was melted Mars
37:02Going over there, crazy insane
37:04I will pick a card like David Blaine
37:06We do this, you know, let the brain jump tussle
37:09Susie, let's try this, I'm giving them a shuffle
37:11Yep, man, you know it might be surprising
37:13Go pick a card like the king of diamonds
37:16Yep, that's right, man, I could flow
37:18That's like a lame version of Dynamo
37:20Now I'm coming over there, you know that it's true, poo
37:23Yep, from you, it's from Honolulu
37:25I won't lie, am I going too far?
37:27This genuinely looks like Jimmy Carr
37:30Yep, that's right, you know, no trouble
37:32Look at this, a Honolulu body double
37:34Yep, man, you know that he'll never be crossed
37:36This is Jimmy Carr when he starred in Lost
37:39Ladies and gentlemen, don't feel down
37:41Make some noise for the things in Countdown
37:44Yep, man, you know I gotta warn you
37:46Now back to my spot in the dictionary corner
37:56Banderman
37:58So the scores at the moment, Sean and Sarah have 30 points
38:01John and Chris have 37
38:07And here is your teaser
38:09The words are I tug John's and the clue is
38:12Coming at me with his pole
38:14That's I tug John's, coming at me with his pole
38:17See you after the break
38:22Welcome back, the answer to the teaser
38:24The words were I tug John's and the clue was
38:26Coming at me with his pole
38:28It was, of course, jousting
38:30OK, time for another letters game
38:31John and Chris, you're to choose
38:33Er, vowel, please
38:35Oh, come on, why don't you just do some colouring in
38:39You are the worst assistant ever
38:41A
38:42Do a duck
38:45That's a dog
38:48Er, vowel, please
38:51O
38:52Er, vowel
38:55I
38:56Er, vowel
38:59Another I
39:01Vowel
39:04A
39:06That's your lot
39:07Vowel
39:08This game matters, this time, lads
39:13For jobs, for neck and neck
39:17It'll have to be consonants then, won't it
39:19B
39:20That's a bit there
39:22S
39:24That's my floor
39:26D, P
39:27Your time starts now
39:31God
39:50S
40:04Sarah, what have you got
40:05Oh, I've got a three
40:08A three
40:09I'm confident
40:10A confident three
40:11Yes
40:12Er, Sean, what have you got
40:13Er, four
40:14Four, OK
40:15John
40:16Five
40:18Chris
40:19Twelve
40:20Four
40:21OK, Sarah, what's your three
40:22Well, it was cop, but I've realised it could have been cops
40:26Shit
40:32OK, Sean, what have you got
40:33I've got cads
40:36Is that what that fellow is, a bloody cad
40:38He's got them vowels
40:40He's a bloody bounder
40:41Chris, what have you got
40:42Er, acid
40:43Oh
40:45I don't get it
40:46You've got no idea how much that meant
40:48It was...
40:49Oh, God, I felt like a wombat
40:53Can I phone my mum? Can I quickly phone her?
40:57Acids
41:03John, what have you got
41:04Disco
41:09Disco
41:11It was a bit there when I was getting as many vowels as I can
41:14He just went across and whispered, steady on, old bean
41:21It was the greatest thing anyone's ever whispered
41:23You're lucky Sean was wearing the hat
41:26So, five points to John's team
41:32OK, so Sean and Sarah have 30 and John and Chris have 42
41:35as we go into the final numbers game
41:40Sean and Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers
41:42One big one and the rest small, please
41:45I've got the big one, do you want to do the little ones again?
41:47All done
41:49Got them all
41:50Well done
41:53OK, three, one
41:54Three, one
41:55Ten
41:57Now the four
41:58One, four
42:00Seven
42:01And 100
42:02That's the best one
42:05And the target, 991
42:08OK, time starts now
42:10Ten, nine, eight
42:13Ten, nine, eight
42:33It's past up
42:40OK, what have you got, Sarah?
42:42I've got 991
42:43991, terrific skills
42:45Sean, what have you got?
42:46Seven
42:49I'm intrigued by your working, OK
42:51Chris, what have you got?
42:52I think I've got 991 and I'm so excited, I'm shaking
42:55I'm trembling because I think I've got it
42:57John, what have you got?
42:58I've got 991
42:59OK, I think we should have Chris show us how he did it
43:01because he seems so excited
43:02I think I've done it
43:03Is that finished?
43:04Yeah
43:05OK, Chris
43:06Yeah, because that's the...
43:08Because it is
43:09You're my fucking team!
43:11I'm trying to save you from an embarrassing moment
43:14Chris, is it wrong?
43:15Yeah
43:17Is it wrong?
43:18Just tell us how you did it
43:21Chris, just say what you did
43:23Come on, Chris
43:24Say what you did, Chris
43:25It was wrong
43:34Sarah, how did you do it?
43:3610 times 100 is 1000
43:391000
43:407 plus 3 minus 1 is 9
43:44and take the 9 away from the 1000
43:46Yeah, 991, well done
43:54John, how did you do it?
43:56I did 100 minus 1 times 10 and then 4 minus 3 is 1
44:01Times 10, 990 and then add the 1, yeah
44:07Oh, man
44:10So 10 points for both teams
44:19So I can tell you the scores going in today's Countdown Conundrum are
44:22Sean and Sarah have 40 points, John and Chris have 52
44:28OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum
44:36LAUGHTER
44:49What have you got?
44:50Is it geography?
44:52Let's have a look and see
44:54APPLAUSE
45:06So the final scores are Sean and Sarah have 40, John and Chris have 1 with 62
45:10APPLAUSE
45:13So congratulations to John and Chris, you have won a Countdown Super Priceless Wheelie
45:18Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home
45:22That's it from us, goodnight
45:30The Last Leg is now available to download to your smartphone or tablet from 4oD
45:35Next up on 4, we have some not-so-live stand-up for you
45:38So get the tissues ready as we prepare to LMAO with LEMAC Live
45:43APPLAUSE