First broadcast 9th August 2013.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Humphrey Ker
Sarah Millican
Rich Hall
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jon Richardson
Rachel Riley
Susie Dent
Joe Wilkinson
Humphrey Ker
Sarah Millican
Rich Hall
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Jon Richardson, Sean Locke,
00:39Sarah Millican, Humphrey Carr,
00:43Chris Hall, Susie Dent,
00:46and Rachel Riley.
00:49Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:01a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:04Did you know, for example, one of the oldest winners of Countdown
01:07was 82-year-old Mary Gordon?
01:10Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh-duh, doo!
01:13LAUGHTER
01:15Until the 17th century, there was no clear distinction
01:18between the letters I and J.
01:20That's a great fact to drop into conversation on a date
01:23if you don't want the date to end with a girl touching your winkle.
01:27Americans call mathematics math
01:30because they argue mathematics functions as a singular noun,
01:33so math should be singular too.
01:35Fair enough, Americans, but by the same singular rule,
01:38you're a bunch of arsehole.
01:47Right, let's get started.
01:49APPLAUSE
01:57OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:59First up is Jon Richardson.
02:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:06It's Jon's 10th anniversary as a comedian,
02:08so what better way to celebrate than by getting you a...
02:11Drumroll, please.
02:14We got you a drumroll. Hope you liked it.
02:16LAUGHTER
02:18Jon has a new girlfriend.
02:20She's everything he could have ever imagined.
02:22She's imaginary.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:27How do you know so much about me?
02:29I haven't told anyone it's ten years since I started doing comedy.
02:32I've told everyone I've got a girlfriend, I'm not going to lie to you.
02:35Ten years since we Googled you.
02:37What does it say on there, does it?
02:39It says when you started doing comedy and we worked out,
02:42we got Rachel to help us with the maths.
02:45Ten years. Wow.
02:47Happy anniversary. Thanks, mate.
02:49And on Jon's team tonight, it's Sarah Millican.
02:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:56Sarah Millican is the nation's best-selling female comedian,
02:59which is no mean feat, considering we've got Lily Savage,
03:02Dame Edna and that one-off Mrs Brown's Boys.
03:04LAUGHTER
03:06I've got a better beard than any of them, though.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:11I imagine Sarah's very excited to be on Countdown tonight.
03:13Normally, the only letters Geordie's get are the ones from bailiffs.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18Be very careful.
03:20I know people. I don't.
03:22You don't know anyone? Nah.
03:25Not at all? Not really, deep down.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:29People put up barriers when I'm around.
03:31Like physical, actual, like, barriers?
03:33Sometimes. Yeah.
03:35I'm a bit uncomfortable being this close to you, to be honest.
03:38This is close, innit? It is. Look.
03:40Ooh! LAUGHTER
03:42OK. Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
03:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:50Sean is currently on a lengthy nationwide tour.
03:52He's delighted, as is his wife.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:56And on Sean's team tonight, it's Humphrey Carr.
03:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:04Humphrey Carr went to Eden and paints toy soldiers in his spare time.
04:08The only thing posher and wetter than him
04:10is the Princess Diana memorial fountain.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:14That's fine. That fountain is wet and posh.
04:17It sounded worse than it was.
04:19There's just any mention of Princess Diana.
04:21And you, in the same sphere.
04:23Hey, those are just rumours. Yeah.
04:25It'd be good if we get a nine-letter word tonight,
04:27and it's underpass.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:31It'd really, you know, complete the circle.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35Yeah, it's hoping.
04:37You spell your surname, it's Carr, but it's K-E-R.
04:40That's... Yeah, that's correct.
04:42No, it isn't.
04:44This is my point, it's C-A-R-R.
04:46What do you do on Countdown if you can't spell your own name?
04:50I mean, C-A-R-R isn't right, is it?
04:52While we're being dickheads about it.
04:54Carr is...
04:56Carr is C-A-R-R.
05:00It's C-A-R-R.
05:04So, Jon, have you got a mascot?
05:06Well, no, I brought something to up my game.
05:08So, this is a reminder to me.
05:10This is my basic certificate in food hygiene.
05:14It's a genuine...
05:16It's a genuine qualification.
05:18Jon J Richardson has successfully completed
05:20a programme of training and assessment,
05:22so I took this down off my wall today,
05:24out of its guilt frame.
05:26You took it off the caravan
05:28with which you sell burgers by the side of the road.
05:33Sarah, do you watch the show, do you watch Countdown?
05:35Yes, I do, and I am much better at it,
05:38now that you can pause the telly.
05:43I'm looking forward to playing with Jon.
05:45I mean, he's a pretty good team leader, I think.
05:47Oh, is he a leader? I thought we were just a team.
05:52Qualifications.
05:56Have you got a mascot? Have you got any...?
05:58Yes, I have. What have you got?
06:00I've got a doll of myself
06:03that someone made me.
06:08And I thought, then, I believe in myself,
06:11so I should have a mascot of myself.
06:13Oh, she's...
06:15She's not very well today, she's having a lie-down.
06:17Let's spare the audience a little bit, shall we?
06:20In case it's very realistic.
06:25There we go.
06:27Sean, you won last week.
06:29You beat Jon. How does it feel?
06:31Not as good as I thought.
06:33I did the thing that I always do when I win Countdown,
06:35which is I have a bath in alphabety spaghetti.
06:38And I thought I'd dried myself off,
06:42but when I bent over and caught a glimpse,
06:44I had a nine-letter word in the crack of me arse.
06:50And it was underpass.
06:56And it wasn't just, like, all differently arranged,
06:59it was underpass, stuck, very carefully,
07:03cos I've got quite a pronounced...
07:05I've got one buttock that's pronounced prouder than the other.
07:08I think it was I used to ride pillion a lot.
07:13Anyway, so they're all arranged.
07:16One buttock, and I caught it, and it said underpass.
07:19It's very rare in a tin of alphabety spaghetti to get two S's.
07:25That's what really freaked me out.
07:28It's not much of a bath in alphabety spaghetti
07:31if you only use one tin, is it?
07:36APPLAUSE
07:39Have you got a mascot this evening?
07:41Yeah, I do. It's this.
07:43It's Fonzie. This is Fonzie.
07:46Fonzie. Yeah.
07:48And I find, when I'm playing the game,
07:50that bloody clock really spoils it.
07:54The countdown clock, you're saying spoils countdown.
07:57Yeah, cos you're trying to think of words, but you put these on...
08:02You've got to come over and tell me when the clock's finished,
08:07which buys me extra time.
08:11They buy me some extra time. Didn't you hear me?
08:15I haven't got them on. Yeah, I heard you.
08:19Pardon?
08:21Humphrey, could you take those off him?
08:23Oh, yeah, sure. Oh.
08:27Lovely.
08:29OK, Humphrey, have you seen the show?
08:31Have I? Yes.
08:35Are you good at this? No.
08:38Are you better on numbers than letters? What do you think?
08:41I use letters more often.
08:45All the time.
08:46Don't most people refer to themselves as one, though?
08:49Yeah, unfortunately, no-one referred to themselves as 150.
08:52It's the biggest of the big numbers.
08:54Why is the biggest of the big numbers?
08:56100. Oh, shit.
08:59Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Rich Hall, everyone.
09:06Rich Hall is American.
09:08They do a version of Countdown in America,
09:10but with its difficult word games and challenging number puzzles,
09:13it had to be dumbed down.
09:14Over there, it's called Sesame Street.
09:19It's two now.
09:20It's been two insults directed at this audience.
09:23Very nice to have you here. Have you seen the show before, Rich?
09:26No.
09:29Is there any equivalent in America?
09:31There's Hawaii Five-0.
09:36With you in Dictionary Corner, we've got a course.
09:38Susie Dent. Give Susie Dent a round of applause.
09:48Susie worked as an English language teacher in the US
09:50after leaving university.
09:52An English language teacher in the US.
09:54Imagine that's like being a health and safety officer in Helmand Province.
09:59And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
10:06Rachel is also a presenter on Channel 5's The Gadget Show,
10:09which I was disappointed to find was just her testing headphones and stuff.
10:17Rachel, any tips for the contestants this evening?
10:20Well, based on the last few attempts,
10:22it's just very important that the words are real ones.
10:27OK, well, tonight our teams will be competing for this,
10:29the Countdown teapot.
10:33How do you know to do that?
10:36OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
10:41Time for our first game.
10:42Jon and Sarah, you're to pick the letters.
10:44I'll let you pick these, but if we get a Y and an I,
10:47we haven't finished, that's not a word.
10:51Totally is, shut your face.
10:54Can I have a vowel, please?
10:56You can, thank you. Start with A.
10:59Another vowel, please.
11:01O.
11:02A consonant, please.
11:04H.
11:06Another consonant.
11:08R.
11:09And another.
11:10T.
11:12A vowel, please.
11:14U.
11:16I'm done.
11:17I'm done.
11:21Another vowel, please.
11:23And E.
11:25Thank you. And two more consonants, please.
11:28And V.
11:29And the last one, G.
11:31OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
11:47LAUGHTER
12:04So, Sean, what have you got?
12:08Five.
12:13APPLAUSE
12:18Doesn't last as long as you'd like.
12:21Sean, you've got five. Humphrey, what have you got?
12:23Six. OK.
12:24Jon?
12:25I've only got five.
12:26Sarah, what have you got?
12:27I've got 12.
12:32Or three fours.
12:36Three fours.
12:37Yeah, but they're all really good.
12:40All right, let's go with your fours first.
12:42I've got goth, goat...
12:45..and H-O-T-E, hotter.
12:50It's a Geordie thing.
12:51Can you use that in a sentence?
12:53Er, I was cold before, but now I'm hotter.
13:04Now, Jon, you've got a five?
13:06I've got hover.
13:07Sean, what have you got?
13:09I've got a few fives. I've got avert, trove, vague.
13:13OK. Humphrey?
13:14I made a mistake.
13:15I'm sorry, you made a mistake.
13:16I made a mistake.
13:17Gary, what have you got?
13:18Well, if there was a C...
13:21..which there is on my piece of paper,
13:23cos I wrote it down cos I misheard what the letters were,
13:26you could have had grouch.
13:29Yeah!
13:30You could have had loads of words if there'd been other letters there.
13:34Other than my six, I also got cargo.
13:38Oh!
13:39That was a C.
13:41It's hard to know.
13:42I mean, you have to appreciate, Humphrey,
13:44your height advantage you're bringing to the team,
13:46but apart from that...
13:48OK, so it's five points to each of you,
13:50but, Rich, could they have done any better?
13:52Yes, they could have. They could have done author V.
13:55If you had five Roman writers...
14:00..the fifth one would be author V.
14:05That's an excellent point, Rich, yes.
14:07Susie?
14:08Just sevens.
14:10They send tougher and outrage there for seven.
14:12OK, on to our first numbers round.
14:14Sean and Humphrey, your turn to pick the numbers.
14:17We'll have two from the top and then the rest.
14:20I can't remember how many numbers you're supposed to pick.
14:22Six, is it?
14:23Yeah, you can have four little ones.
14:25Two large, four little.
14:26And they are eight, nine, three, eight,
14:31and the large two, 50 and 75.
14:34And the target, 979.
14:37OK, let's count down.
14:48It's worth mentioning, Humphrey, there is no C up there.
15:08Right, what have you got, Sean?
15:11I've got an incredible...
15:13979,658.
15:23OK, Humphrey, what have you got?
15:25I might have 979.
15:28OK.
15:31Oh, don't bother with that.
15:33Let's wait and see, shall we?
15:35OK, Jon, what have you got?
15:37I think I've got 980.
15:39OK. Sarah?
15:41I've got nowhere near...
15:42Cos this is the bit where I'd normally pause it
15:44and have about 20 minutes.
15:46And a calculator.
15:48Yeah, the actual 30 seconds is a pain, isn't it?
15:50It's faster than I thought.
15:52It's really loud.
15:54And when you watch the show, it's like,
15:56here, it's like you're inside the bell of Big Ben.
15:59It's going...
16:01And someone's asking you,
16:03why, why, why?
16:07So, Humphrey, how did you get 979?
16:09Well, 225 x 8.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:15225 x 8, sure.
16:1775. 75 x 8.
16:20OK, 75 x 8, what is that supposed to be?
16:23That is...
16:25600.
16:27Yeah, 600, of course.
16:30Plus 50.
16:32Plus 50, yeah.
16:34Plus 50 is 650, as we all know.
16:36Yeah.
16:38And then you minus...
16:40No, then times by...
16:42No.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:46Add 8 x 9.
16:488 x 9 is 72.
16:51Sure.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:55And then you have to add VAT.
16:58So we've got 866.
17:00OK, we're getting super close.
17:02And that's basically 979.
17:05LAUGHTER
17:07Jon, how did you get 980, which is now looking like our best hope?
17:10I think, well, 75 plus 50 is 125.
17:1375 plus 50 is 125.
17:16Times by 8.
17:18Times by 8 is 1,000.
17:20And then take off the 9, the 3 and the 8.
17:229, 3 and the other 8 for 980. Well done.
17:24APPLAUSE
17:28APPLAUSE
17:32OK, so seven points to you, Jon.
17:34Rachel, could they have done it?
17:36If you say 9 x 8 is 72...
17:38Yeah.
17:40..add the 50... As I said.
17:42..is 122. Yes.
17:44Times that by 8 for 976.
17:46And add on the 3.
17:48APPLAUSE
17:51APPLAUSE
17:57OK, it's time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
17:59Rich, what have you got for us?
18:01What?
18:03LAUGHTER
18:05What have you got for us there, Rich, in Dictionary Corner for us?
18:10I have a dictionary.
18:12LAUGHTER
18:14Am I supposed to have something?
18:16Well, no. Traditionally on the show, at this point,
18:18you would go over to Dictionary Corner and you would have
18:20an amusing anecdote or a story, a song, a poem.
18:23Do you have anything you could do or say?
18:26Well, Jimmy, I'm glad you asked.
18:29LAUGHTER
18:31I wrote this song.
18:33I think all songs should be about heartbreak and emotion.
18:38I'm a big Scrabble fan.
18:43Sometimes if your girlfriend or your wife is cheating on you,
18:46it's hard to tell.
18:49But she might be laying down some subtle clues
18:52when you're playing Scrabble.
18:54LAUGHTER
19:00Could have played HEART.
19:04The word was right there from the start,
19:07but you rearranged the letters...
19:10..and it came out HATER.
19:13Could have played CHASED.
19:17But you let my good love go to waste.
19:20Put your tits in someone else's face.
19:26How long do you play CHEATS?
19:34You could have gave me ROSES.
19:37But you just gave me SORES.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:50You could have put down SHOWER, but you stay gone for hours.
19:55So I think I'll play HORES.
20:01Could have played LOVE.
20:03You could have played LOVE.
20:06But you played E-V-O-L.
20:12Who the fuck taught you to spell?
20:17Evil just as well.
20:20You could have played BEDROOM and PLEASED.
20:26But you played BOREDOM and ASLEEP.
20:30I don't need these acrimonies.
20:33So I'm moving to MICRONESIA.
20:38LAUGHTER
20:52While the scores at the moment, Sean and Humphrey have five points,
20:55Jon and Sarah in the lead with 12.
20:59APPLAUSE
21:03And with your teaser, the words are GONAD, TIP
21:06and the clue is ONE WAY TO BECOME A PARENT.
21:09That's GONAD, TIP, ONE WAY TO BECOME A PARENT.
21:12See you after the break.
21:17Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were GONAD, TIP
21:21and the clue was ONE WAY TO BECOME A PARENT.
21:23It was, of course, ADOPTING.
21:25OK, they've been playing in teams so far,
21:27just for Sean and Sarah.
21:29Yes!
21:32Feeling confident, Sean?
21:34OK, Sean and Sarah, just you two on this one.
21:36I'm not even going to use me eyes.
21:39That's really harsh.
21:45Sean, you're to pick the letters.
21:47Ooh, well, I'll start with the vowel, please.
21:50Thank you, Sean. I.
21:54Oh, yeah, and another one, please.
21:57A.
21:59And another one.
22:01E.
22:03OK, and some consonants, please.
22:05N.
22:07Keep them coming.
22:09S.
22:11And another.
22:13H.
22:15And another.
22:17You can get High Sean out of that, out of interest.
22:19B.
22:21And a vowel.
22:23I.
22:26And a consonant.
22:28And the last one.
22:30N.
22:32OK, let's count down.
22:34Rachel.
22:51Jesus.
22:56Christ.
23:08That's a strong hand.
23:10What have you got, Sarah?
23:12I've got a definite five and a wobbly six.
23:14What are you going to go for, the definite five or the wobbly six?
23:17Wobbly six.
23:19Wobbly six it is, OK. Sean, what have you got?
23:21I've got a six.
23:22Confident six. OK, what's your six?
23:25Oh, no!
23:29Oh, no, it's not, it's a wobbly six, it's a wobbly six.
23:32I've got a confident five.
23:38OK, Sarah, what was yours?
23:40Man-ish.
23:42Man-ish, like John?
23:45Excuse me, could I have Man-ish?
23:47You need two Ns there.
23:49That's why it was wobbly.
23:51So no points there at all for anyone.
23:53Have you done any better, Dictionary Corner?
23:55Yeah, I had seven.
23:57In shape.
23:59How are you feeling? I'm in shape.
24:04Impish, mishap.
24:06Excellent.
24:07Impish and mishap.
24:09That means the scores are still...
24:11Sean and Humphrey have five, John and Sarah have 12.
24:19Right, time now for John and Humphrey to go head-to-head.
24:22This numbers round is just for them.
24:24OK, John, you're to pick the numbers.
24:26Well, since it's Humphrey playing against me,
24:29we'll have one big one and the rest sort of embarrassingly small.
24:35They are ten.
24:36Is ten the big one?
24:38No. Three, five...
24:40Wait for it. Seven.
24:42Seven. And the big one?
24:4475.
24:46And the target, 812.
24:48Time starts now.
24:52BUZZER
25:04LAUGHTER
25:07LAUGHTER
25:20OK, John, what have you got?
25:22I've got 813.
25:24OK, pretty close. Humphrey, what have you got?
25:26I've got 807.
25:31OK, 813. John, how did you do it?
25:3375 plus five.
25:3575 plus five, 80.
25:37Plus seven over seven.
25:39Plus seven over seven for 81.
25:41Oh, piss flaps, I just said.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:46What's seven over seven? What does that mean?
25:48That's one, mate.
25:49Oh! I didn't know you could do that.
25:51Times five, ten.
25:53Times five, ten for 813.
25:55Hey, we're learning maths as well, this is fun.
25:57And add the three, 813, one away.
25:59APPLAUSE
26:02Rachel, could it be done?
26:04Well, I think... Do you have it, John?
26:06Do you want to do it for pride's sake?
26:08Should I stop to 75 plus five?
26:10Erm... No.
26:12No, you carry on with it, mate, I don't want to make you look silly.
26:15LAUGHTER
26:17Yeah, you could have said 75 plus seven is 82,
26:21times by ten is 820,
26:24and then five plus three is eight,
26:26to take away 812.
26:28APPLAUSE
26:30You should have done that, that's what you should have done.
26:33If only I'd been crying.
26:35If you'd been crying, you would have done that, right?
26:37John.
26:39I think I'm dying.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:44OK, John's crying.
26:46Let's do a numbers round quick, I've got a chance.
26:49What happened, did it go down the wrong way?
26:51It's a tickle and it won't go away.
26:54Take a moment.
26:56I wanted to do that.
26:59I thought there was a hole behind that.
27:01Do you want to use that?
27:04I've got tissues.
27:06Do you need to get Heimlich?
27:09I'll Heimlich you, John.
27:11I think I will.
27:13Come on, do you want one?
27:15I think if you try and Heimlich me, you'll strangle me,
27:17cos you're about ten times taller than I am.
27:19Do you want me to do it?
27:21There's nothing to Heimlich.
27:23I haven't done anything, has anybody...?
27:25Look at the size of him.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:30APPLAUSE
27:36I've sort of created a blockage in two places now.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41Hi.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:46APPLAUSE
27:49LAUGHTER
27:52APPLAUSE
27:56LAUGHTER
28:08You'll notice I was always coughing into the hand,
28:10never onto the food.
28:12LAUGHTER
28:14OK, the scores at the moment, Humphrey and Sean have five points,
28:17John and Sarah have 19.
28:19APPLAUSE
28:22And here's your teaser.
28:24The words are NOSE FART and the clue is...
28:27Where You Get A Fresh Breeze.
28:29It's NOSE FART. Where You Get A Fresh Breeze.
28:32See you after the break.
28:34APPLAUSE
28:37Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were NOSE FART
28:40and the clue was Where You Get A Fresh Breeze.
28:43It was, of course, SEAFRONT.
28:45OK, well, we're halfway through the game,
28:47so good a time as any to bring out Rachel's glamorous assistant.
28:50Please welcome Jo Wilkinson.
28:52APPLAUSE
29:07Jo, why are you dressed as Santa?
29:10I'll be honest with you, Jimmy, I completely muddled up the months.
29:14LAUGHTER
29:16I'll be honest with you, I thought it was March.
29:19LAUGHTER
29:22But I've actually got everyone some presents.
29:26I've got everyone some skirting board, if you want to have that.
29:31LAUGHTER
29:37I think that's your one. There you go.
29:40And I've got Rachel Salick as well.
29:44She's my boss and that.
29:46I've done you a painting.
29:48LAUGHTER
29:51APPLAUSE
30:02That's me on a horse.
30:04Are you a eunuch?
30:06Am I a eunuch? No, no, there's my penis.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:11And I thought that could go in your hallway.
30:13Right, let's do all the other ones.
30:15Yeah, yeah, I'll put it here for now.
30:17So, Merry Christmas!
30:20APPLAUSE
30:25Sorry, your microphone's just fallen down there.
30:27No, no, that was deliberate.
30:29LAUGHTER
30:32I'm going to stand here until someone helps.
30:36Oh, that's it, there.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:40Actually, just clip it onto something rather than wedge it in.
30:43LAUGHTER
30:51LAUGHTER
30:54So, you're Rachel's assistant.
30:56How's the job been going since we last saw you?
30:58Oh, it's been good. Got more responsibilities now.
31:01Still have to empty the bins and bathe her,
31:03but I also now have to look after racing pigeons.
31:08Rachel's got racing pigeons?
31:10Yeah, yeah, about 200. She keeps them in her spare room.
31:12It fucking stinks.
31:14Let's play Countdown!
31:17APPLAUSE
31:19It's only a catchphrase. I shout it randomly.
31:22Back to the game. Jon, your turn to choose the letters.
31:25Hello, Rachel.
31:26Hey, Jon.
31:27Hi, Santa.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30Can I have a consonant, please?
31:32Oh, yeah, I should point out I've added a few characters.
31:35LAUGHTER
31:40I've got, like, an exclamation mark there.
31:43If you want it loud.
31:45LAUGHTER
31:48Brackets.
31:49I did warn you about using your initiative.
31:51I'm not listening to you.
31:54Comma, if you want it there.
31:57I don't know what that is, it's internet-y.
32:00And that, I think that's just an I.
32:03Jon, letters?
32:05I think I'd still like a consonant.
32:08You're a grumpy bugger.
32:11And another one, please.
32:14W.
32:15Ah, the North West.
32:17CHEERING
32:20Really?
32:22Have you been outside?
32:25And a vowel, please.
32:27That's me. I hope it's an A.
32:29There's no bloody A's.
32:31It has to be a...
32:33There's now.
32:35You're not supposed to tell them.
32:37LAUGHTER
32:40Own.
32:41Own.
32:42One.
32:43This is a piece of piss.
32:45LAUGHTER
32:48I'll have another consonant.
32:50F.
32:51Oh.
32:52Can I tempt you with a vowel?
32:54LAUGHTER
32:57I'll straighten them out.
32:59Quite like this. Who wants it most?
33:01Me.
33:02Right.
33:03You.
33:06Let's have a consonant.
33:07Oh, you twat.
33:09LAUGHTER
33:10R.
33:11Right, and then another one.
33:13T.
33:14And then, why don't you slap us a last vowel up there?
33:17Why don't you share this one?
33:19You're getting too excited.
33:20A.
33:21OK, let's hear that countdown clock.
33:24CLOCK TICKS
33:28LAUGHTER
33:41CLOCK TICKS
33:45Oh, God.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:53Jon, what have you got?
33:55Er, I've got a funny four.
33:58A funny four?
33:59Yeah.
34:00OK, Sarah, what have you got?
34:02I've got a five.
34:03Humphrey, what have you got?
34:04I've got a definite five.
34:05Sean.
34:08LAUGHTER
34:14Sean.
34:16Sean!
34:20LAUGHTER
34:24LAUGHTER
34:29Sean, tap him for me, tap him.
34:31Sean.
34:35I knew exactly what I was doing there.
34:39So I've got a five.
34:40Jon, let's hear your four.
34:41Fart.
34:43Did you see a fart up there?
34:47Now fart.
34:49LAUGHTER
34:54Now you fart.
34:58APPLAUSE
35:03OK, Sarah, what have you got?
35:05Frown.
35:06And Humphrey?
35:07Er, water.
35:08OK, and Sean, what have you got?
35:09Frown.
35:10Five points each.
35:11APPLAUSE
35:16Which, er...
35:18Which, what could they have had?
35:20Fortune.
35:21Fortune was out there, was it?
35:22I'm getting a fortune cookie.
35:23OK, the scores at the moment, Humphrey and Sean have ten,
35:25Jon and Sarah have 24.
35:27APPLAUSE
35:32OK, that's all the numbers round. Sean and Humphrey, your turn to pick.
35:35Er, one from the top and the little ones.
35:38One large.
35:39Five little ones.
35:42Ten.
35:44Six.
35:45Seven.
35:47Three.
35:49Two.
35:54Move the belly, move the belly, move the belly.
35:56And 50.
35:58I'll do the pattern, I'll do the pattern.
36:01Oh, that's my lucky number.
36:04OK, so your target is 996, your time starts now.
36:28It's too easy now, isn't it?
36:39Sean, what have you got?
36:40Er, 996.
36:42Humphrey, what have you got?
36:43Erm, 1030.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:48Do your parents ever ask for a refund from you?
36:50LAUGHTER
36:51Sarah, what have you got?
36:52994.
36:53994, OK, and Jon, what have you got?
36:55Jon, what have you got?
36:56I've got 996.
36:57Terrific skills. OK, Sean, how did you get 996?
36:59You go two times 50 is 100, times ten is 1,000.
37:03Seven minus three is four, take that away, and you've got 996.
37:07APPLAUSE
37:11Jon? Jon?
37:15I do it the same way, and then I listen in there,
37:18and there's just, you can just hear a woman screaming.
37:21LAUGHTER
37:23Is it his wife?
37:27Nothing.
37:28Can you not hear her?
37:29No.
37:30You just drowned it out.
37:31Yeah, I've learnt to do that.
37:33LAUGHTER
37:36OK, so ten points each.
37:38APPLAUSE
37:43So the scores at the moment, Humphrey and Sean have 20 points,
37:46Jon and Sarah out in the lead with 34.
37:48APPLAUSE
37:52And here's your final teaser.
37:54The words are LAST ANUS and the clue is TASTE FRUITY.
37:58That's LAST ANUS, TASTE FRUITY.
38:00See you after the break.
38:02APPLAUSE
38:07Welcome back.
38:08The answer to the teaser, the words were LAST ANUS
38:11and the clue was TASTE FRUITY.
38:13It was, of course, Sultanas.
38:15OK, time for another letters game.
38:17Sean and Humphrey, your turn to choose.
38:19All right, may I have a consonant, please?
38:21I'll start with the consonants.
38:23Can you do it? I've just got to wrap my mum's present up.
38:26LAUGHTER
38:27I've got her a manhole cover.
38:29LAUGHTER
38:30She's very difficult to buy for.
38:32LAUGHTER
38:33Did you steal that?
38:34Lifted it off the pavement there.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:37I'm not sure you're meant to take them.
38:39No-one said I couldn't.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:43What's the step when you leave here? M?
38:45Vowel, please.
38:47E
38:48Consonant, please.
38:51P
38:52Vowel, please.
38:55A
38:58A.
38:59A.
39:00Consonant, please.
39:01R
39:02Joe, no scissors in your mouth, we've discussed this.
39:04Vowel, please.
39:05Do what I want, mate.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:08I
39:09Consonant, please.
39:11S
39:12Another consonant, please.
39:13B
39:14Another consonant, please.
39:15And the last one.
39:17T
39:18OK, the clock starts now.
39:20MUSIC PLAYS
39:44What have you got?
39:45Sarah?
39:46I've got a five.
39:47Five. OK, John?
39:48I've got an eight.
39:49Ooh!
39:52Correct.
39:53Um, Humphrey, what have you got?
39:54I've only got a five.
39:56It's OK. Good for you.
39:58LAUGHTER
39:59Sean, what have you got?
40:00I've got a six.
40:01Six.
40:02OK, Humphrey, what's your five?
40:03A
40:04A
40:05A
40:06A
40:07A
40:08A
40:09A
40:10A
40:11A
40:12Humphrey, what's your five?
40:13Er, it is prism.
40:15Prism. OK.
40:16Er, Sean, what's your six?
40:17Er, impart.
40:19Impart.
40:20Impart, OK.
40:21Sarah?
40:22Prize.
40:24LAUGHTER
40:26As in prize apart.
40:27Something open, yes.
40:28Very good.
40:29Great.
40:30Yeah, like that.
40:31LAUGHTER
40:32OK.
40:33They didn't need a lot of prizing.
40:34Um, John?
40:35Er, barmy-ist.
40:37What, sorry?
40:38Barmy-ist, as in barmy army.
40:40Fantastic.
40:41OK.
40:42They send the dictionary.
40:43Well done.
40:44APPLAUSE
40:52Susie, could they have done any better?
40:55Primates, but that would have done any better.
40:57No.
40:58Um, OK, we're now going to our final numbers round.
41:00OK, John and Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
41:02Can I have, er, two big ones and the rest small, please?
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09I'll do one.
41:10I'll do one.
41:11OK, I'll do the other three.
41:12Do you want to put it up?
41:13Yep.
41:14That's how many times I've fallen down a well.
41:16LAUGHTER
41:21I walk about in the dark near a well a lot.
41:23Is that where your nose goes?
41:25Yep.
41:26Nosebleeds.
41:27Get a lot of nosebleeds, as well.
41:29OK, four, two, ten, four.
41:31And the large, two, 75 and 25.
41:34And the target, 762.
41:37Time starts now.
41:49Susie?
41:50It is?
41:59LAUGHTER
42:08OK, Humphrey, straight to you. What have you got?
42:11Why? Why do you always come to me first?
42:13Is it because I'm bad? Well, fine, I've got 769, so fuck off.
42:17LAUGHTER
42:28All the way through, with fucking earphones here,
42:30he's going, of course it's an easy one, this is easy,
42:32I've done it already.
42:33And then you go, I'm all a twat.
42:36Sean's got a lot better at this game over the last couple of weeks,
42:39it would appear.
42:40Oh, no, I haven't.
42:42Let's see how you do. Sarah, how have you done?
42:45Oh, not good, 780, not good.
42:47780, not good. OK, go on, you, Jon.
42:50You?
42:51You, Jon.
42:52Oi, cardigan, what have you got? 762, mate.
42:55OK.
42:56I might not be popular, but I've got it.
42:58Sean, did you get it?
42:59Yeah, I did it by just willpower.
43:01LAUGHTER
43:03I used maths, I used the force of the mind.
43:0710 x 75, which is 750.
43:10Yeah, you're still in the game.
43:12And then, by using sheer willpower, I used the ten again.
43:16LAUGHTER
43:21Force of personality, by imposing my will on maths.
43:27OK, Jon, how did you do it?
43:28You do that, and then 4 x 2 is 8.
43:30Oh, I don't times, mate.
43:32LAUGHTER
43:35I'll take over.
43:36No, I'm not doing it, mate.
43:37It's this one.
43:38But you did it there.
43:40I thought, yeah, I did.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:44Fucking times!
43:45LAUGHTER
43:49And then I had the other four.
43:51The other four.
43:5212, 762.
43:5310 points to Jon.
43:54APPLAUSE
43:57Where's the 25?
43:59You don't have to use all of them.
44:01LAUGHTER
44:05Are you serious?!
44:07I was doing the whole thing again!
44:09LAUGHTER
44:11So I can tell you, the scores going into today's Countdown Conundrum
44:14are Sean and Humphrey have a very creditable 20,
44:17Jon and Sarah have 52, so it's all still to play for.
44:21APPLAUSE
44:23It's not really all still to play for.
44:25They've won by some considerable margin.
44:28But as a formality, why don't we try and give this a go?
44:30OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
44:36LAUGHTER
44:50Humphrey, have you got it?
44:51Yeah.
44:52Go on, what have you got?
44:53Is it ambulance?
44:54Is it ambulance? Let's have a look.
44:56APPLAUSE
45:01At the final moment, at the 11th hour,
45:04Humphrey Carr has redeemed himself on Countdown
45:07by getting an ambulance.
45:09OK, so the final scores are Humphrey and Sean have 30 points,
45:12Jon and Sarah are the winners with 52.
45:14APPLAUSE
45:20There you go, you get a tip-off.
45:25Thank you all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
45:28thank you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight.
45:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:37Now, if you ever miss the fun of the last leg, 4OD is your friend.
45:42You can find episodes there to watch at your leisure.
45:45Well, it's just time for a quick brush-up and change of clobber
45:48for Sarah Millican, and then she's all on her own.
45:51Chatterbox Live, next.
45:58APPLAUSE