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00:00He's my masterpiece! Eyes like fireballs dipped in lava! Teeth like broken serving platters!
00:18Ah! Dr. Pimento! He's breaking loose from his chain!
00:21Run!
00:23Fluffy cats and candy canes! Think of sunshine when it rains!
00:30Soothing thoughts can ease your pains! Fluffy cats and candy canes!
00:38What are you doing under there?
00:40Nothing. Looking for... dust?
00:43Yeah, right. You were scared of that silly show Dr. Pimento's Scarefest.
00:49Okay, so I was scared.
00:51And what was that dumb song?
00:53I sing it when I'm scared to calm myself down, okay? Just promise you won't tell anyone. Please?
01:00Why not? It's funny!
01:02Because she asked you not to, Jason!
01:04When a friend asks you not to tell something that's embarrassing, you shouldn't tell.
01:09Unless, of course, the secret might hurt your friend or someone else.
01:12I don't see the big deal.
01:14It's embarrassing. That's the big deal, Mr. Sensitive.
01:18We all have embarrassing little secrets. Even me! Okay, little pumpkins?
01:24I still don't see what the big deal is.
01:40Come on, cadets! Make doings!
01:42Another planet to save?
01:44Nope! You can't save the universe every day!
01:46There's a great new comedy act at the Comet Lounge!
02:14Bonsai!
02:35Not much longer now. Can't wait to see that new routine. Ventrilo-manic and rusty. Reprogrammed!
02:41Hey, speaking of funny, you should have seen how scared Michelle got watching some dumb TV show.
02:47Jason, come on.
02:49And you know what she does when she's scared?
02:52Run? That's what I do. I mean, that's what I never do.
02:58Jason, please, don't tell. Remember what Grandmum said?
03:02Tell us, Michelle.
03:04Yes, it might be instructive.
03:07You'll make fun of me.
03:09We won't, Michelle. We're all friends. Come on, what do you do when you get scared?
03:13Well, I guess I can tell you guys. Just promise not to laugh.
03:19Okay, I sing a little song.
03:22I love songs.
03:23Sing it for them, Michelle.
03:25Yes! Let's hear it, cadet! A-one and a-two and a...
03:29No! No, I can't.
03:31Come on, sing it! Let's hear it now!
03:33Well, all right, I guess.
03:36But it's really silly.
03:38If you tell anyone, I'll hide in a hole the rest of my life.
03:42Hmm, I wouldn't recommend a hole. A closet would be much cleaner.
03:49Fluffy cats and candy canes
03:52Think of sunshine when it rains
03:54Soothing thoughts can ease your pains
03:57Fluffy cats and candy canes
04:01I thought I could make people laugh.
04:04Now, be kind, Jason. After all, that was very... sweet.
04:09Yeah, sweet means hilarious.
04:13Don't listen to her, Michelle. It was cute. Your secret is safe.
04:18Yeah, that's really embarrassing.
04:22I liked it.
04:31Hey, you OK, kiddo?
04:34Yeah, I'm fine. Just wish I hadn't shared that song.
04:39Hey, I get a little shook up after some of these missions.
04:43You want to know how I relax?
04:51Hey, that's... that's Burleigh!
04:54Wait, the so-called king of easy listening!
04:57Nigel, you've got to be kidding me!
05:00Every now and then I need to listen to something soothing.
05:03It's a bit soft, I admit, but we're all friends here.
05:07Our secrets are safe with each other.
05:10Just don't tell me anymore. My image of you is forever scarred.
05:14Tell you what, in the same tender spirit of love and confession,
05:18I would like to introduce all of you to a very secret acquaintance of mine.
05:23My imaginary friend, Mr. Waddlebottom.
05:28All right, OK. I'm leaving now.
05:35Oh, you little scamp.
05:37What do you get when you cross an X-240 modulator
05:40with a 16-ampere reticulation cable?
05:42I don't know, but there's one sitting on your shoulder!
05:45Ha-ha-ha!
05:47Ha-ha-ha!
05:49Ha-ha-ha!
05:51Ha-ha-ha!
05:53Oh, please, I've seen better jokes on gum wrappers.
05:57Ha-ha-ha! This guy kills me!
06:00What, you think you could do better?
06:03You should see me in my classroom.
06:05Well, when my teacher's out.
06:11You really like that stuff?
06:14Oh, fishy marshmallows? Hideous!
06:17How could you eat those?
06:19I'm a penguin.
06:21Uh, uh, uh, answer me this.
06:24How many, how many, how many...
06:28Two! One to eat the peanut butter,
06:31and the other to hold the cabbage!
06:37Uh, just hold on, folks.
06:39We seem to be having a few, uh, technical difficulties.
06:43Oh, no, poor Saul.
06:45Looks like his chameleon broke.
06:48Hey, Jason, this might be your chance.
06:51What?
06:53Sure, show us what you're made of.
07:08Um, hi, folks.
07:10How are you doing tonight?
07:13Good?
07:15Good.
07:17Uh, hope you're enjoying that salad bar.
07:20So many crouton choices.
07:26Um, okay.
07:28So, there's this horse who had to go to a video arcade, see, and...
07:33No, no, wait a minute.
07:35Sorry, it's, it's a lobster.
07:38That's right, a lobster.
07:40There's this lobster who has to go to an arcade, and...
07:43No, wait a minute, that's not right.
07:46Say, he's not half bad.
07:54The setting guy says what?
07:56You want me to lick the butter knife?
07:59Get it? Lick the...
08:01Oh, no, no, wait a minute.
08:04It was the first guy who says it.
08:08Butter knife!
08:10Well, guys, it was a noble effort.
08:12That went really bad, didn't it?
08:14He's like a black hole for comedy.
08:16Okay, that was fun.
08:18A little rough at the start.
08:20And at the end.
08:21And the middle.
08:22Well, okay.
08:24I guess I appeal more to a third-grade audience.
08:27Aw, don't listen to them.
08:29I thought you were great.
08:31I do appreciate your trying to help.
08:34It was very thoughtful.
08:36But right now, I need to think about fixing my robot before tonight.
08:39Yeah, sure, sure.
08:41But why not give me just one more chance?
08:44What?
08:46You got to be kidding me.
08:48Sure.
08:49Look, I know I can have him rolling in the aisles.
08:52Just like in my third-grade class.
08:55Come on, the kid's a natural.
08:57Jason?
08:58Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please.
09:02Jason, really, I...
09:05Oh, all right.
09:07But only if I can't find a repairman for Ventrilomatic.
09:10Yahoo!
09:11Thank you, Saul.
09:13You will not regret this.
09:17Just help the boy come up with some jokes, okay?
09:20And by jokes, I do mean funny.
09:22Okay.
09:23How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
09:26I don't know.
09:27How many?
09:28That wasn't a joke.
09:30I, uh...
09:32What's this?
09:33Note cards.
09:34We're all going to brainstorm
09:36and help Jason have the best jokes for tonight's show.
09:39But why should we do all the work?
09:41Because he's in a tight spot, and we should help him out.
09:45After all, friends are kind to each other, right?
09:48Oh, all right.
09:50What sort of jokes are we looking for?
09:52Light bulb jokes.
09:53I've always been partial to light bulbs.
09:56I've always been partial to light bulbs.
09:59Light bulb jokes.
10:00I've always been partial to the knock-knock joke.
10:10All right.
10:11We've got a good-looking house out there tonight.
10:13Are you ready?
10:14Absolutely.
10:15Tonight, I'm putting funny back in the fun.
10:19Uh-huh.
10:20All right, then.
10:21I'll go and introduce you.
10:23Hey, Jason.
10:24Hey!
10:25What are you guys doing here?
10:27So we'd wish you good luck and give you these.
10:30These are jokes we came up with.
10:32If you get nervous out there, you can use them.
10:34The knock-knock section is quite hysterical.
10:37And my light bulb jokes are sure to go over big.
10:42Thanks, guys.
10:44Once again, folks,
10:45all the way from Ms. Barnett's 3rd grade classroom,
10:49it's Jason T. Conrad!
10:52I gotta go. Thanks, guys.
10:55See? Now wasn't that worth it?
10:58He won't let us down.
11:02How are you folks doing tonight?
11:08Good. That's... that's great.
11:11Okay, let's get started, then.
11:20Let's see here.
11:22Um...
11:23How do you repair a broken jack-o'-lantern?
11:27With a pumpkin patch!
11:31Brilliant!
11:33Oh, my.
11:34Yeah!
11:36A pumpkin patch.
11:38Knock-knock.
11:39Who's there?
11:41Owen.
11:42Owen who?
11:43Owen the Saints go marching in.
11:50Get it?
11:51Like, oh, when?
11:53Suddenly the black hole doesn't seem so black.
11:59Oh, yeah!
12:00And speaking of marching,
12:02I don't know if you've noticed or not,
12:04but there are some people out there
12:06who really march to the beat of a different drum.
12:09You know what I mean?
12:11Like my friend Kevin.
12:13He loves to eat that gross cereal, fishy marshmallows.
12:18Yuck!
12:19Yeah, in fact, his breath is so bad
12:22that every time he burps, his teeth yell,
12:25Duck!
12:31What's he doing?
12:33Oh, it's okay.
12:34Kevin can take some good-natured ribbing.
12:36Right, Kev?
12:38Oh, yeah, and every time Kevin yawns,
12:41the cats think I'm a-running.
12:45But wait, he's not the only one.
12:48You know how cool Mitchell is, right?
12:51Well, guess what kind of music he really likes.
12:55Very lightweight!
12:58No kidding!
13:00Hey, what's the difference
13:01between a wounded hippo and very lightweight?
13:05Huh, beats me!
13:09Boy, he got you there, Midge.
13:15And next time you see Captain Ziddle,
13:18ask him about his invisible friend, Mr. Waddlebottom.
13:23Now that's crossing the line, mister.
13:25Hey, let me teach you a song
13:27that my sister sings when she's feeling scared.
13:30No, he wouldn't. He couldn't.
13:34Get a load of this!
13:36Fluffy cats and candy canes
13:38Pink of sunshine when it rains
13:41Soothing thoughts can ease your pain
13:43Fluffy cats and candy canes
13:46No!
13:52Thanks, folks. Glad you enjoyed the show.
13:55No autographs, please. Thank you.
13:57Mr. Conrad, glad to make your acquaintance, sir.
14:00My name is Gordon Stick.
14:02Yes, that's right, the Gordon Stick.
14:04Talent agent supreme, and I want to represent you.
14:07Oh, man, really?
14:08You, my lad, are going to perform
14:10at the comedy hall here in sector 12.
14:12In one hour. What do you say, Jason, baby?
14:16Whoa!
14:18Greetings, crew!
14:20So, did you see me? What did you think?
14:23I tell you, I had them eating out of my hand.
14:27Yeah, and did you bother to notice
14:30what it was you were feeding them?
14:33Um, comedy? Funny stuff?
14:36It was funny, wasn't it?
14:38You told them all of our private business, Jason.
14:41Just to make them laugh.
14:43Kevin's cereal, my little private musical tastes.
14:48And Michelle's song, the one we promised not to share.
14:52Not to mention Mr. Waddlebottom,
14:54and he's not speaking to you either.
14:56Oh, come on, guys!
14:58I thought you wanted me to be funny tonight.
15:01You're just silly little secrets.
15:04Nobody cares.
15:08Where's Michelle?
15:10She's locked herself in the closet.
15:18Michelle? Are you mad at me too?
15:23You are mad at me, aren't you?
15:26Boy, I'm on the verge of living out a lifelong dream here,
15:30and all you can do is...
15:32How would you like it if I told everyone about your secret?
15:35That's different.
15:37No, it's not, and you know it.
15:39See you later, Michelle.
15:41After my big hit at the Comedy Hole.
15:44No autographs, please.
15:56They just don't get it.
16:10Hi, Mr. Curtain, Jason.
16:12Oh, what's going on?
16:14You're sucking your thumb?
16:16Like a baby?
16:18It's not like that.
16:20It's just a new joke for the act, yeah.
16:23Yeah, that's a good one.
16:25Everybody will laugh when I tell them about that.
16:28No, you can't.
16:30No? Why not?
16:32Because...
16:34Because...
16:36It's all right, kid. I understand.
16:39Everybody has their little secrets.
16:41I won't tell. I know how much that would hurt you.
16:44And friends don't hurt each other, do they?
16:47That's right. All right, then.
16:49Knock him dead, kiddo. I'll see you after the show.
16:55Now, give it up, ladies and gentlemen,
16:57for an up-and-coming comic,
16:59the king of third-grade comedy, Jason T.!
17:05So, why exactly are we watching this?
17:08I don't know.
17:10Somehow, I still hope he does well.
17:19Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
17:22Before we get started tonight,
17:24I have a confession I'd like to make.
17:27See, when I was a little kid,
17:29I had a dream that I was going to be an actor.
17:32See, when I was a little kid, I had a blanket.
17:35I took it everywhere
17:37and couldn't even get to sleep without it.
17:40And, uh, when I went to school,
17:42my mommy, mom, I mean,
17:44trimmed it down small like this.
17:47My blankie.
17:51I know. It's pretty silly.
17:54I even... I even sometimes,
17:57when I get sad, I hold my blankie and suck my thumb.
18:02My blankie's just nice to have around.
18:05When my friends are far away,
18:07I humiliated my real friends the other night
18:10doing this comedy thing,
18:12and I shouldn't have told secrets that just embarrassed them.
18:16If you guys are watching tonight,
18:18Sigil, Kevin, Mitchell, and especially Michelle,
18:22I just want to say that I'm sorry.
18:26But enough of that.
18:28You guys came here to laugh, didn't you?
18:31Well, buckle up, stubby cup, because here we go.
18:35Two kangaroos were talking to each other,
18:38and one said, I hope it doesn't rain today.
18:41I just hate it when the kids have to play inside.
18:48Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn?
18:51A few months later, she had a litter of mittens.
18:57Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkled?
19:00Because if he was small, weight, and round,
19:03he'd be a baseball!
19:08Whoo! Not so good.
19:10Ah, here we go.
19:12Knock, knock.
19:13Who's there?
19:15Eskimo Christians.
19:17Eskimo Christians who?
19:19Eskimo Christians, I'll tell you no lies!
19:27Love the Eskimo Christians joke.
19:29That one was mine.
19:31I guess Jason finally got his act together.
19:44I'm really sorry, everyone.
19:46I should have known how hurtful I was being.
19:49We forgive you, Jason.
19:51Hey, Jason, I'm working on a new joke for you.
19:54How many light bulbs does it take to change a penguin?
19:57I don't know.
19:59Well, that's as far as I've gotten.
20:01Okay, here's another. Knock, knock.
20:03Who's there?
20:05I'm still working on that one, too.
20:10What's that?
20:12Grandma must be listening to something.
20:25Oh! I didn't see you there.
20:28What are you doing, Grandma?
20:30Well, remember when I told you I had a secret?
20:34This is it. I dance with a broomstick to old tunes.
20:38Why?
20:39Well, your granddad and I used to dance every Saturday night,
20:43and I miss him, so I dance with the only partner I have.
20:47At least the broomstick won't step on your feet.
20:50Oh, Granddad was a wonderful dancer.
20:53But don't tell anyone about the broomstick.
20:56It's our secret, okay?
20:58Sure, Grandmom, our secret.
21:00You know what the old proverb says.
21:03Eeyoo goes about to tailbearer reveals secrets,
21:06but Eeyoo is trustworthy, conceals the matter.
21:09I know what that means.
21:11When a friend tells you something private,
21:14you should show you're a true friend by keeping it private.
21:17That's right, Cupcake.
21:19Come on, dance with me.
21:21I don't know how.
21:23Just move your feet to the music, sweet pea.
21:51?
22:01?
22:11?
22:21?