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Transcript
00:00Oh, my God.
00:09Dad!
00:10What?
00:11The lights! It's the middle of the day.
00:14Sorry, Jen, but you're better at all that than me, aren't you?
00:17What?
00:18Better at turning lights off?
00:20That's not a life skill, Dad. Chickens can turn lights off.
00:23Well, it's your mum who turned the lights off in the old house.
00:26She had a system, so I didn't like to interfere.
00:28Well, I'm not Mum, so you need to learn
00:30when the appropriate time to have lights on or off is.
00:32But do you want a hint? Yeah.
00:33If it's dark, turn them on.
00:35If it's not dark, turn the fucking lights off!
00:39All right, yeah, you don't mind me saying you're a bit stressed
00:41for someone who's just been to a yoga class.
00:43Well, you're costing me all this money, Dad.
00:45All the lights are on, 45-minute showers.
00:48I need a long shower, don't I?
00:50I need to, like, you know, get things out of my system.
00:52Oh, what things?
00:55And then this morning I find out Barris has put the rent up.
00:57I thought you were supposed to speak to him.
00:59Yeah, I did, I did, but it was mostly about nunchucks.
01:02You know, I'm just not good at confrontation at my job.
01:05Well, strap in, cos we're about to have a big bloody row.
01:08OK.
01:09I can't afford to cover all this.
01:11Not once I'm on maternity leave,
01:13so you're going to have to take up extra shifts at the warehouse.
01:16Dad? Hello? Are you even listening?
01:18Yeah, shifts, warehouse...
01:19Sorry, I just need to check if this is Helen.
01:22Helen?
01:23Yeah, it's my girlfriend.
01:24What?
01:25I didn't know whether I was ready, you know,
01:27and then I got a postcard from your mum
01:29saying that her loins had shriveled up and died the last time we, er...
01:32So I thought to myself, come on, Malcolm, she's not coming back.
01:35You know, time for pastures new,
01:37and then Helen just popped into my life.
01:40How did you meet a woman?
01:42Well, we've not met-met, you know, just, er...
01:44Well, we met in cyberspace, you know, on an app.
01:47Oh, Dad.
01:49We need to have a chat about catfishing.
01:54WHIRRING
01:58He's driving me nuts.
02:00Obviously.
02:02He dried his underpants in the microwave the other day.
02:05I shouldn't have to tell my own father
02:07what he can and can't put in the microwave.
02:09You should put a note on it like Mum did.
02:11Do you remember?
02:12No metal spoons, Malcolm, you twat.
02:15Ooh, maybe I should make him a sign.
02:18Oh, my God.
02:20You're turning into Mum.
02:22I am not.
02:23You are.
02:24He's turning you into a replacement wife.
02:27Oh.
02:31I don't know how I'm going to cope when the baby gets here.
02:34You need to get yourself a business plan to get out this mess.
02:37Your last business plan got you incarcerated,
02:40but go ahead, apprentice me Geoffrey Bezos.
02:44Well, given your very limited skill set,
02:49I think your best option is to find
02:52a rich and preferably senile guy,
02:56ASAP.
02:58ASAP.
03:01I'm good, innit?
03:08Fuck.
03:10If she won't let me see the kids this weekend,
03:12she is not getting the crunchy bears.
03:15Bloody women.
03:16Yeah, erm, talking of women,
03:18I've been looking for a companion on this app and I've found one.
03:22And we've been chatting, you know, and her name's Helen.
03:25She's 50 and she works at the hospital
03:27and she doesn't have any kids or anything.
03:29All right, banger, then leave her.
03:31Yeah, definitely, it's just...
03:33I think I'm in love with her.
03:35No, she's really funny, you know, and she just says things like...
03:38Oh, Malcolm, women aren't funny.
03:42Show me.
03:46You dirty old dog.
03:49This is a hook-up app.
03:51A what?
03:52Casual sex.
03:53No, no, Helen wouldn't do that.
03:55Malcolm, I promise you,
03:56this app is for finding a no-strings fuck buddy.
03:59But I like strings, don't I?
04:00I mean, strings are romantic, aren't they?
04:02Let's see if she's turned on the mutual attraction feature.
04:04A what?
04:05It lets you find each other so you can meet up and smash.
04:08What, without going to the cinema first?
04:10Bingo.
04:11I use this for my casual encounters all the time.
04:14All right, will do.
04:15I'm just, um...
04:16Just waiting for a couple of rashes to clear up.
04:18Give it a sit back.
04:20So, you get this boring notification that alerts you
04:23when you're within five metres of each other,
04:25or you can pay extra for this.
04:28BUZZER
04:30Think you'll add it to yours, too?
04:31No, no, thanks, I'm finding the factors for it.
04:34BUZZER
04:38Rita, they're out of decaf at the mini-mart.
04:40Do you want me to go to the big shop?
04:41Oh, no need, love.
04:42Oh, I know, let's open a tequila instead.
04:45It's 9am, and I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
04:47Winnie'll have one, won't you, little minx?
04:50And I work so much better when I've my few glasses down.
04:53Oh, congratulations, Gemma, love.
04:56And we don't know where the father is, do we?
04:58Is it that old one?
05:00I thought you dumped that old one months ago.
05:02I did dump him.
05:03Because he wanted to settle down and have kids, and I didn't.
05:06Oh, the irony.
05:08Adam actually asked me to marry him.
05:09And why the hell didn't you, you silly mare?
05:12You can't be turning men down in your condition.
05:15I wasn't pregnant when he asked.
05:16He owned that bungalow outright.
05:18His trousers weren't made of polyester.
05:20I'd kill for a man like that.
05:21I wasn't in love with him.
05:22Love?
05:23I've been married four times, Gemma, and not once was it for love.
05:27A house, a car, some exquisite crockery, but never love.
05:30That's really sad, Rita.
05:32I didn't plan on getting wed at all when I was your age.
05:35I was after joining MI6 and being one of those spies that shagged about for secrets.
05:40Am I going to regret asking you why you didn't become a spy?
05:42I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour of the Coronation Street set.
05:47They found out.
05:48They said I wasn't very discerning.
05:49How did they find out?
05:51Oh, I must have done it on camera by accident.
05:53Didn't know I did Kevin Webster too, though, did they?
05:56Hmm?
05:57Bloody MI6, they don't know shit.
05:59I'm sorry, what are you trying to tell me?
06:00Well, life is about compromise, especially for us girls.
06:05My sister said something very similar.
06:07Just because she's in prison for paying a man to push another man down a lift shaft...
06:11Off a fire escape.
06:12...does not mean she gives bad advice.
06:14And you can tell your dad he's welcome to pop in for a Corrie special whenever he likes.
06:18Rita!
06:19Well, I'm just saying, don't top up, Winnie.
06:22Hmm, not finished that one.
06:25Thanks for coming with me.
06:26Um, so, sorry, which one am I?
06:29The blue dot that's moving because of how you're moving.
06:32Well, who's the pink one?
06:33Fucking Helen!
06:34Okay, I'll think about it.
06:36There's two fucking dots.
06:37Yeah, I know, I know, sorry.
06:38Get your head in the game, man!
06:40I don't know.
06:43So, what's she like, other than well up for it?
06:45She's lovely.
06:46We watch Emily in Paris at the same time and then message each other about what Emily's wearing.
06:51You're weak.
06:52She gets to watch some UFC with you.
06:54She's turned on by a man roundhousing another man's head off, then she's a keeper.
06:58She's a vegan, which is a worry in case I smell her meat.
07:00Do I smell her meat?
07:06I mean, a bit, but you know, in a good way.
07:08And she runs.
07:09Mental.
07:10And she believes in angels.
07:12What?
07:13Yeah, she believes in angels.
07:15You know, that they, they like, they walk amongst us and it's very important that I believe in that too.
07:20Well, do you?
07:21Well, I could.
07:23I mean, why not?
07:25OK, she's heading towards us. Now's your chance.
07:30Fifty-five-year-old male arrived by car.
07:32Lacerations to both legs after a strimmer accident.
07:37He went into cardiac arrest on the way.
07:38Oh, my God, Malcolm.
07:39Did you see that?
07:41I know.
07:42I used to love using my strimmer.
07:47Eric.
07:50What kind of bloke are you after, other than Rich or your sister?
07:53Erm, not a prick.
07:55Someone who's willing to look after my unborn child.
07:57Is that a high bar or a low bar? I can't tell.
08:00Will you help me find him?
08:01I can if we go to Sugar Dodders.
08:03Oh, God, it's not actually called that, is it?
08:05May as well be, but trust me, it is the place to go for your fairytale ending.
08:09That good?
08:10Mate of mine, no money, grotty flat, went there one night, hooked up with an oligarch, got married, he got murdered.
08:15She now lives on a yacht with a super hot wife and a couple of bugs.
08:18Oh, my God.
08:20Real-life Cinderella story.
08:22Isn't it?
08:25Ooh.
08:26Hello, Ruffles.
08:29Ooh.
08:32Yeah, that's the one, isn't it?
08:38Gem.
08:39Gem, can I ask a favour?
08:41Oh, I'm not squeezing your back spots again, Dad.
08:43Oh, no, it's not that.
08:45I just wondered if I could borrow your very smart telephone to, erm, take a pic of me, will you?
08:51No chance. Use your own.
08:53Well, I can't, can I?
08:55I bought it second-hand off Andy and he smashed the camera in.
08:58Why?
08:59Well, cos his brother told him to, in case he caught 5G or something, I don't know.
09:03No!
09:04Oh, go on, it's for Helen, you know, so she can... so she can see the goods.
09:08Dad, Helen is a six-foot trucker from Didsbury.
09:11No, she's not, me and Derek saw her, she's lovely.
09:14Fine!
09:15Well, if she's so lovely, why are you sending her a picture of you, really?
09:18You penis.
09:19Well, you know, I'm just stepping up the woman to the next level, you know?
09:22An unsolicited dick pic is not the next level.
09:24No, it's not unsolicited, it's solicited.
09:26She's sent me pictures of her lady breasts. Loads of pictures, actually.
09:30Go on, Gem.
09:32Oh, my God.
09:33No.
09:35Please.
09:37God.
09:40I probably don't deserve love, do I, anyway?
09:42Look at me.
09:45Take it!
09:46Oh, thanks, Gem.
09:49Fucking hell.
10:05Gem?
10:06What?
10:08Erm...
10:09I don't know how to send it.
10:13You couldn't send it to me, could you? Cos now I can send it to Haysey.
10:17Dad, are you for real?
10:19Please.
10:20Oh, my God.
10:22Gem.
10:24Jesus, Dad!
10:26This is flaccid.
10:27Well, I didn't want to be presumptuous, did I?
10:29No.
10:30You cannot send a flaccid cock shot, OK?
10:32This looks like a baby rat that's fallen asleep on a scourer.
10:36Do it again.
10:38But this time...
10:41Erect.
10:42Thanks, Gem.
10:43Thanks, Gem.
10:46Just pop on a Kylie video.
10:55Go on.
10:59Are you sure you still want to do this?
11:01Yeah.
11:02After what I had to do to help my dad get a date,
11:04this is going to feel like a walk in the park.
11:06Aye.
11:08Let's find you a daddy.
11:14Right. Follow me, babe.
11:19Wow.
11:26God, you really weren't joking about who comes in here.
11:30Right. A few little rules worth keeping in mind.
11:34It's not the first time I've chatted up men in a bar.
11:36Laugh at all their terrible jokes.
11:38Don't talk about politics.
11:40Pretend you like golf.
11:41Don't slag off the king.
11:43Hadn't actually thought of those last year.
11:46Ladies.
11:47Smells weird.
11:48Oh, pregnancy early warning system.
11:50Sorry, babe.
11:53Hey.
11:54Hi.
11:55I'm Clint. Friends call me the Clintster.
11:57Ooh.
11:59What's your favourite novel, Clint?
12:02Shakespeare.
12:04Mm-hm.
12:06Bye.
12:07Look, this won't work if you're too picky.
12:09No, I know. I know. I'm sorry.
12:10I promise I'll make an effort with the next one.
12:12Even if he's gross and thick?
12:13Yeah. I am not leaving here until I have a potential father for my unborn child.
12:16Good bless.
12:17May I buy you ladies a drink?
12:20Champagne, maybe?
12:22I'm Fergal.
12:24And you are...?
12:25Gemma.
12:26Terry.
12:28I was going to say, far too gorgeous to be in a place like this.
12:40Fucking baiter.
12:46I knew you'd get stood up, Malc. I knew it.
12:49I told you not to send her a pickle picture without showing me first.
12:54Helen was very nice about my display, actually.
12:58And anyway, she hasn't stubbed me up. Well, not yet, anyway.
13:01Then why is she meeting you so late?
13:04She's probably waiting for a jealous husband to fall asleep.
13:07She does overtime on Fridays.
13:10I'm sorry, Terry. I'm just... I'm just nervous, aren't I?
13:13Oh, grow up!
13:16You are a man, and any man is better than any female.
13:20Oh, what? So Fred West is better than Shirley Bassey, is he?
13:25You're fiddling the system now, Malcolm. Stop it.
13:27I mean, well, she wants to, you know...
13:29Good! That's what you're paying your 2.99 a month for!
13:32Look, I'm not ready for that.
13:35Go on, Malcolm.
13:37No, no, no! Sorry! I didn't get the alert! I didn't get an alert!
13:41I'm not ready! I'm not ready! I'm not ready!
13:44Malcolm? Is he OK?
13:46Obviously not. And that's your fault.
13:49Who are you?
13:55Oh, no, what's happening?
13:57Oh, no, I think I'm having a heart attack.
14:00Oh. Oh, you should probably do the thing.
14:03Help me, help me.
14:05Oh, dear God.
14:13Malcolm, my friend, what you need is the old wow-wow pussy alert.
14:19Your husband's a professional rugby player?
14:21Yeah, he's been with the same club since he was 11 years old.
14:24He'll never move away, though. His mum's a right needy wanker.
14:28She has Parkinson's disease.
14:30Yeah, and she doesn't let you forget it.
14:34Babe, eyes on the prize.
14:40Another round, Fergal? You're so good at buying drinks, after all.
14:44That's a terrible line.
14:47But I am very good at buying drinks.
14:54Mate, sorry.
14:58Hi.
15:00Uh, hi. Gemma?
15:03Are you here alone?
15:05With my boss.
15:07Oh, right. Is he a massive douchebag?
15:09No, he's just really lonely.
15:11Can I buy you a drink? Maybe?
15:14Could we get a bottle of champagne and some sparkling water?
15:18Oh! Shit, OK.
15:21Do you think I'm running some sort of Breaking Bad operation?
15:24Because while I technically do know how to make methamphetamine,
15:28I would have absolutely no idea how to shift it.
15:31No, drinks are on Fergal.
15:33Sorry, who's Fergal?
15:35Fergs and I have decided this place sucks a donkey's big fat dick.
15:38No, that's not quite what I said. Who is this?
15:40We're going back to mine. You come in.
15:42Great. Found one for me, too. Thanks, babe.
15:47Have a spa. Thanks.
15:49Come on.
15:51What did you tell her?
15:53That you had the shits.
15:55I said you'd seen an angel and it made your stomach go funny.
15:58Why?
16:00Because it's just as likely as anything else that would happen
16:02if you saw an angel.
16:04You know, I'm not cut out for this.
16:06Davina was cruel, but at least I knew where all her bits were
16:08and how they worked.
16:10She was like a menopausal four-focus.
16:12Hey, come on. You'll get there, champ.
16:14If not now, then one day.
16:17Besides, now I've seen Helen up close,
16:19she's only a six at best on the Pussyometer, so...
16:22Six. I like a six.
16:25So, are you, um, a doctor?
16:27No.
16:29Oh, I love a man in uniform.
16:31No, that's nice. I don't wear one of those either.
16:34So, I guess this is the part where you tell me that you're married?
16:39I was married.
16:41But we split up six months ago.
16:44We were childhood sweethearts.
16:46But she wanted something different.
16:48And she was devoted to her career.
16:50But I...
16:52I really want a family.
16:56God, I didn't even know men had a biological clock.
17:04Alexa, play Fergal's Midnight Playlist.
17:07What the fuck?
17:11Oh, my God.
17:13I haven't heard this song for years.
17:15My dad used to sing this all the time when we were little.
17:21MUSIC CONTINUES
17:38Yeah, yeah, guys, don't worry about it yet.
17:40I'll just, um...
17:44Cheers, everybody.
17:51MUSIC CONTINUES
17:58So, your message me?
18:01Look, I really like you, so I don't want to start with a lie.
18:04I'm pregnant.
18:06What?
18:08What? That's...
18:10Massive. Yeah.
18:12Ladies still want that DM.
18:21BIRDS CHIRP
18:25I don't know where this is going to go.
18:29But girls like you really don't come along very often.
18:38It's a beautiful morning.
18:40Yeah.
18:42Oh, no!
18:45Pfft!
18:47Chemtrails.
18:51What? You see that line behind the plane up there?
18:54It's a fucking chemtrail.
18:56Fuck!
18:58Fucking cloudbastards!
19:03The government use aeroplanes to pump chemicals into the atmosphere
19:07which keep the electorate stupid and control our minds.
19:10It's the same with fluoride in the water.
19:12If it's to protect people's teeth,
19:14why have so many people got fillings?
19:17Think about it. I mean, it makes no fucking sense.
19:20Mm. I'm in a WhatsApp group.
19:22We're really trying to blow this whole thing wide open.
19:24Let the sheeple know the truth.
19:26Yeah, about the chemtrails. I'll add you to the group.
19:29OK.
19:33Thanks for a great night. Thanks.
19:43MUSIC PLAYS
19:51I'm so close.
19:59Dad?
20:01Have you had the lights on since I left this morning?
20:03No.
20:05You've been moping about for days.
20:08Are you still connected with her on the app?
20:10Yeah.
20:12That's how I know she's been at work all week
20:14but she hasn't read or replied to any of my messages.
20:19Right. Have a short shower and get dressed.
20:24Are you going to tell her how you feel, the old-fashioned way?
20:28Well, I'll post it now through the letterbox.
20:31What?
20:35It's just here, by the church.
20:37I don't know where I'm going.
20:40What are you going to say to her?
20:42Just tell her you're sorry.
20:49I still don't think we should have brought
20:51your emotional support dickhead along.
20:54Yeah, she's getting married. Called it.
20:58She just wanted you for one last blow on the meathorn milk
21:01and you bailed on her.
21:03Do not listen to him, Dad. She'll just be a guest.
21:06Got your flowers?
21:11Mmm.
21:20This is so not wedding appropriate.
21:23What if I get tagged in the photos?
21:25I think you look lovely.
21:27You've got that glow.
21:29That baby glow.
21:35She's dead.
21:38Welcome. Oh, Dad!
21:40Excuse me.
21:43Oh, God.
21:49It's probably for the best.
21:51Hey, she could have had a disease
21:53she was trying to pass on as an act of vengeance.
21:56Shut up.
21:58Can't believe she's dead.
22:00One minute she's sat in the garden with a chunky John Grisham,
22:03the next her brain just pops.
22:06Did you know Helen well?
22:08Erm...
22:10She was so lovely.
22:12She helped me out no end with this one.
22:15She was lovely, wasn't she?
22:19I just wish I'd had a chance to tell her, you know.
22:24They've put her phone in the casket
22:26so you can send her a little message later if you like.
22:29Lovely.
22:31Shit.
22:49Derek!
22:51It's you, man. Turn your phone off.
22:53Have some respect.
22:55It's your husband.
23:01OK, it's off.
23:05At least she's with her best friends, the angels, now.
23:09It is.
23:11Oh, no.
23:27Was it the start of something beautiful with Fergal?
23:31Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group
23:33dedicated to exposing government conspiracy theories.
23:36Chemtrails, specifically.
23:38Oh, mate, I am so sorry.
23:40No, it's better I find out now than on our wedding day.
23:46How pregnant are you?
23:48What gave it away?
23:50Those antibiotics you had are mainly given to pregnant people.
23:53Plus, you weren't drinking at Sugar Daddy's.
23:56Yeah. 18 weeks.
23:58And he's not on the scene, which is why I was at the club.
24:01Because I was panicking about doing it alone.
24:04That's, er...
24:06That's a lot.
24:08Fergal was fit, though, wasn't he?
24:10Yeah, really fit.
24:14Do you, er...
24:16It's fine to get him a coffee sometime.
24:18I think it's your turn to pay.
24:20Oh, my God, it is. Yeah.
24:22Oh, perfect.
24:24I can tell you all about my theory on why 9-11 was an inside job.
24:34You
24:36You
24:38You
24:40You
24:42You
24:44You
24:46You
24:48You
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24:54You
24:56You
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25:00You
25:02You
25:04You
25:06You
25:08You
25:10You
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