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Transcript
00:00MUSIC
00:13Hiya. Hey.
00:16Oh, we're not a couple, by the way.
00:18I am single and open to offers.
00:21Maybe here's not the place to be soliciting for male attention.
00:24Hello. Hello, hello, hello.
00:27My name's Twinkie and I'll be leading the classes for mummies-to-be
00:31and their very good pals.
00:33So, firstly, can I ask you all, what is this?
00:38The most beautiful thing in the world.
00:48So, yeah, if you'd like to download my hypnobirthing album,
00:52it's 17 tracks of me whispering affirmations.
00:56It's only £15.99 on iTunes. It's good.
01:00Naughty Twinkie. Not supposed to tell you that,
01:03so don't inform the bosses.
01:05Did we have any questions?
01:07Yeah, I just wanted to ask about pain relief.
01:10Why? Because giving birth is really painful.
01:13Which naughty scamp's told you that?
01:17Dorothy Downer been telling a few fibs, has she?
01:20Sorry, are you trying to tell us that giving birth isn't painful?
01:24Cos that isn't what any of the baby books say.
01:26Don't like books.
01:28Actually, the most beautiful, natural feeling in the world
01:31is the exquisite pain of childbirth.
01:33So let's not listen to any pessimistic little girlies.
01:37That one's for you.
01:39What if I tear?
01:41Well, that's what mummy nature has demanded of your body.
01:46And your body has answered her call.
01:48Next.
01:50What if I die?
01:52Some people think that dying in childbirth
01:55is actually better than medical intervention.
01:58Although that's not something I can publicly endorse.
02:01Again.
02:03Oh, yeah. What now?
02:06Er, Twinkie, how many babies have you had?
02:10Yeah, erm, I am mummy to three...
02:15..very feisty French bulldogs.
02:18They didn't travel down your cervix, though.
02:21Mate, she knows nothing about having a baby.
02:23Those doggies suckered on my teat for two months, actually.
02:26So take your bad attitude, you bard. Get out.
02:37I only wanted to know about pain relief.
02:39Did mum have any drugs?
02:41I can't remember. She was definitely angry.
02:43And then your mum was always angry.
02:45Giving birth or being annoyed at me, putting up some wonky wallpaper.
02:48It all just blends into one long shout.
02:51Dad, why are you measuring my walls?
02:53Oh, it's a surprise.
02:55I'm not sure I want a surprise that involves a drill.
02:58Oh, all right. I was just, erm...
03:01I was just trying to be useful, you know.
03:03No, I know. Sorry.
03:08I just get worried about how a baby's going to fit into all of this.
03:12Hey.
03:17They're only little.
03:20You know, in Finland, they give you a box to put them in
03:23for the first couple of months.
03:25Derek was telling me about it. Eh?
03:28Now we can fit a box in here, can't we?
03:38Oh, bollocks!
03:43So your solicitor called me.
03:45You're not pleading guilty, then?
03:47Course I'm not.
03:49You are guilty.
03:50Well, I have a very strong case.
03:52What case?
03:54Sex game gone wrong.
03:56You paid someone to push your fiancé down the stairs?
03:59I did.
04:01But it was part of a sex game gone wrong.
04:05How is that a sex game gone wrong?
04:07Oh, I don't want to have to spell it out for you, Gemma.
04:10Well, you're going to have to spell it out to a jury.
04:12I knew you would kink-shame me.
04:15You are so vanilla, Gemma.
04:17No, it's not vanilla to not pay for someone
04:19to be pushed off a fire escape as part of a sex game.
04:22Yeah, vanilla.
04:24You and Dad will still be there, though, right? At the trial?
04:28It's two weeks after my due date.
04:30Gemma!
04:31I'm going to try, I promise,
04:33but I'm not sure I can even bring a two-week-old
04:35into contempt of court or something.
04:37Can't Auntie Jess look after it or something?
04:39Nope.
04:41Her and Dad haven't spoken for years.
04:43What about the father?
04:45You remember I went on holiday to Portugal?
04:48It happened on the flight back. That's where I got pregnant.
04:51On the plane? Mm-hm.
04:53In the toilet. With a total stranger.
04:56Not so vanilla now, eh?
04:58Oh, super vanilla.
05:00You come back to me when you've done it in a cargo hold
05:03next to a crate containing two drilled-up German shepherds.
05:06All right.
05:09That didn't happen.
05:11It did.
05:13Yeah, I think the whole becoming Mummy's business model
05:16is based on none of us having a clue.
05:18Which is why I called Jess earlier.
05:22Jess?
05:23Your sister. Who else would I be talking about?
05:26I don't know. Jessica Fletcher?
05:28Dead? Fictional Jessica Fletcher?
05:31No, not her. Auntie Jess.
05:33Her and Tyrone have invited us over for dinner this weekend.
05:36Well, I'd rather not, thanks.
05:38Come on. See the new house?
05:40She says they've just got a hot tub.
05:42Yeah, well, I'm not a hot-tubby type of person, am I?
05:45Please, Dad, be really helpful for me to talk to Jess about all this.
05:49She's been through it, you know, having a baby on her own.
05:51Well, I'm sorry, I'm double-booked.
05:53You're not even single-booked.
05:55Tyrone's not that bad.
05:57Well, not to you, but he hates me, doesn't he?
05:59I think it's cos he used to suck cocks for crack.
06:02Why would that be the reason he hates you?
06:04I don't know.
06:05You know, maybe I remind him of a punter who ran off without paying.
06:08Dad, you can't not see your sister because her boyfriend bullies you.
06:11I know he bangs on a lot about the cocks and the crack,
06:14but he has a skip hire business now.
06:16You know, maybe he's mellowed.
06:18You can't avoid him forever.
06:20Well, I've avoided him for three years.
06:22Just need to carry on for a bit longer until one of us dies, don't I?
06:27I don't want that now.
06:29Hold your breath, Gemma, I'm just fixing Winnie's do.
06:32The advice isn't to hold your breath around chemicals,
06:34it's to avoid them altogether.
06:36What's that, Rita love?
06:38Oh, apparently hairspray makes boy baby bits go all small.
06:42It's PC gone mad.
06:43Hairspray can cause genital growth defects in baby boys.
06:46I'm not making it up.
06:47Big pharma told her.
06:49Is it a bottle, then, Gemma?
06:51I don't know. I want it to be a surprise.
06:53Oh, like a kinder egg?
06:55Yeah. I mean, if I give birth to a small plastic camel
06:58that comes in three parts, that would be surprising.
07:01Do you want kids, Rita?
07:03Me? No.
07:05Love my fanny too much.
07:06I mean, I'm still as tight as a lid on a jar of out-of-date Marmite down there.
07:10You can pass that information on to your father when you see him later.
07:14I can't think of any information I'd want to pass on less.
07:18Little boy, with normal-sized bits.
07:21Do you find it weird to think that maybe you've got
07:24a little winky growing inside of you, Gemma?
07:26I do now. Thanks.
07:29Hiya. Lunch?
07:31Thank God you're here.
07:34Ladies.
07:37He's lovely.
07:39Brings her lunch every week and I know you've been doing it.
07:42I heard that. Oh. Oh.
07:47I don't know why I thought they'd offer up wisdom.
07:50Rita spent the most of yesterday talking about Ronnie O'Sullivan
07:53and puppy farming.
07:55Well, er, talking about strange combinations.
07:59Tuna and lemon curd sandwich, as requested.
08:03Oh.
08:04You were joking about gravy and tuna and lemon curd, weren't you?
08:07I'm so sorry. I didn't think you'd actually make it.
08:10I didn't. Don't worry.
08:12I got this from the, er, the boots.
08:15New deal.
08:19Do you want the cheese instead?
08:23Pregnancy is so weird.
08:26It is really weird.
08:28Does the baby kick much?
08:30Mainly when I'm excited.
08:34Can I?
08:35Or is that inappropriate?
08:43Doesn't really feel like kicking anyway.
08:45More like someone's put a bag of eels in my uterus.
08:48Did you feel that? Yeah.
08:50She's letting you have a touch.
08:52Won't let me near it.
08:54I want to have a feel, Gemma. Keep saying to her.
08:57You've got incredibly cold hands, Rita.
08:59Yes. And I am very proud of them.
09:01Shoulda, woulda, coulda been a pastry chef.
09:03If I wasn't allergic to pastry.
09:10Ten centimetres.
09:12You know, I reckon I could get my head through that.
09:15You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix?
09:19Well, no, you put it like that, I think, yeah.
09:22You said you'd be helpful.
09:24Sometimes baby does get stuck in the birth canal
09:27and needs a little bit of help to get out.
09:29Does anyone know what we would use in that situation?
09:31Me. Yep.
09:33Butter.
09:35Nobody uses butter to get babies out.
09:38For fuck's sake.
09:40That's actually a very good suggestion.
09:43Anything natural over those nasty instruments.
09:46Sorry, so butter is better than forceps?
09:48Yeah.
09:50So, after baby's born, mummy will need to birth the placenta.
09:54Well, we didn't have that when you were little.
09:56The placenta?
09:58Yeah, yeah, your mum didn't have that. That's a modern thing, that.
10:01Yeah, it's, er, it's woke.
10:03So you can have a hormone injection to speed things up.
10:06What's better? Having it or not?
10:08Well, having the injection cuts the chances of mummy hemorrhaging.
10:12But it's not as beneficial to baby.
10:16Oh, well, you're not having that, are you?
10:19Oh, well, you're not having that.
10:21She's not having that.
10:22It's better for the baby, then. You're not having that.
10:25Now, don't forget that you can buy my organic mummy and baby supplements.
10:30Just £19.99 a bottle, so just grab those on your way out.
10:35Oh, we do find that natural mummies like these,
10:39so probably not for you.
10:42Want to be helpful? Come with me to see Aunty Jess.
10:48Whoa.
10:49I wonder how many cocks she'd have to suck to get a house this big.
10:55Reckon Tyrone lives here?
10:59I really don't want to do this, Joan.
11:02I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
11:07Oh.
11:10Oh.
11:11Hiya. You found us.
11:13Malk. Gemma.
11:16Oh, it's not a fucking skip!
11:18For fuck's sake!
11:19It is a skip.
11:20No, it's an advert for Tyrone's skip hire company,
11:23but the neighbours think it's a skip.
11:25Because it's a skip.
11:26It's not a skip!
11:29Oh, it's lovely to see you both.
11:31Shall we?
11:33Oh.
11:35OK.
11:36Oh.
11:38You look well, Jess.
11:39Yeah. Tyrone pays for me to get a colonic once a month, so...
11:43Oh, trifle. Thank you.
11:46OK. Come on, then.
11:49You can do this.
11:53Now, in the new house, Tyrone has a very good footwear system in place.
11:57Footwear system?
11:59Shoes off and you can pop some slippers on before leaving the airlock.
12:03Then when we head outside,
12:04there'll be garden sliders for everyone by the patio doors.
12:16Oh, hey.
12:17Nice new house, Jess. Thank you.
12:19You going to give us a tour? Yeah.
12:21Actually, I don't want either of you going upstairs.
12:23But Jess can video call you from the landing.
12:26Show you around that way. OK.
12:28It's fine, thanks.
12:29How's the warehouse, then, Malky? Been promoted to T-boy yet?
12:32Oh, I wish.
12:36I'm sorry again about Davina.
12:38Look, do you need a wheelie? Yeah.
12:42Don't you dare piss on those slippers!
12:44By the way, Gemma, congratulations, love.
12:48Aw. Thank you.
12:50It's just a little something from me and Tyrone.
12:53Aw. Yeah.
12:56Ooh.
12:58Cabbage leaves.
12:59Yeah, it was Tyrone's idea.
13:01You stick them in your bra when your boobs get sore.
13:04I mean, they'll be rotten by the time the baby comes,
13:06but that's the thought that counts, isn't it?
13:09Yeah.
13:10Now, I have heard some breastfeeding horror stories.
13:12Oh, yeah, I could only face it for 24 hours.
13:15I've got that sad nipple syndrome.
13:17What?
13:18Sad nipple syndrome.
13:21It's where if anything or anyone touches my nipples,
13:25I'm just overwhelmed with a sense of melancholy.
13:28Was she telling you about her unhappy fun bags? Yeah.
13:30Yeah, that's not a real thing. Oh, it is a real thing.
13:32Yeah, sad nipple syndrome's a real thing.
13:35I can't go anywhere near them without just feeling existential malaise.
13:38No. Am I right, baby? Yeah.
13:40They're arse, though.
13:41Oh!
13:44Chunky. Yeah.
13:54I built that Skip Eye business from the ground up
13:56with hard graft.
13:58Zero cocks, zero crack.
14:01Amazing. No cocks whatsoever?
14:04I've got the car, I've got the house.
14:06All that was left was the hot tub.
14:15Lamb casserole, Malcolm?
14:17It's my favourite.
14:19Davina could never eat lamb, you know,
14:21cos she liked that film Bambi so much.
14:23Oh, yeah.
14:25Dad, Bambi was a deer, not a lamb.
14:28Oh, she must have got those mixed up then, sorry.
14:31Yeah, Davina couldn't keep away from the kebab table at your Mars 70th.
14:34Maybe she loved lamb, but you just couldn't provide her with any.
14:38She doesn't like it, Dad.
14:44And are we excited, Gemma?
14:4628. Oh, the trimester, exciting.
14:48Yeah, I was hoping you'd have some advice, actually.
14:51Never eat yellow snow.
14:53Is that the only thing you won't put in your mouth?
14:57I mean about being a single mum.
14:59Oh, we don't discuss things like that at the dinner table.
15:02Things like what?
15:04Jess's past.
15:05Hi, I'll be quick.
15:06Why don't you boys get some more drinks, eh?
15:09Go on.
15:11Come on.
15:15He doesn't like to think about stuff like that.
15:18My bits are very special to him.
15:20Yeah.
15:23Do you wish you'd waited to have Mia?
15:25There's never an ideal time to have a baby.
15:28You can be in the perfect relationship with the perfect bank balance
15:31and then, in the blink of an eye, life can fuck it all up.
15:35A friend of mine was married.
15:37Great job.
15:38Had a baby with the love of her life.
15:41And then he...
15:42Cheated.
15:43Got eaten by a shark in Thailand.
15:54You see that?
15:56That hair fry cost me a grand.
15:59Never used it.
16:00Never needed to.
16:01No idea what it does.
16:04And I wasn't alone.
16:06Your dad would always come over if I needed anything fixing or painting.
16:10He'd bring you and Katherine and babysit Mia if I wanted a night out.
16:13God, I don't remember any of that.
16:15Look, I know he can be a real wally sometimes, but...
16:18he's going to love that baby more than anything in the world.
16:22And then, later on, if you find someone to pay for a little nip and tuck downstairs,
16:26then even better.
16:29Oh, here he is.
16:31When do people get in the hot tub, then?
16:33Is it after dessert or are you saving it for your sex parties?
16:35There'll be no-one getting in my hot tub.
16:37Even I'm not allowed in the hot tub.
16:39Thank God, eh, Malcolm?
16:40Malky is scared of hot tubs, isn't he?
16:42Are you?
16:44I don't know.
16:45He is.
16:46He definitely is.
16:47Um, well, you know, they're not my favourite thing anyway, so, yeah.
16:51You two are just here to look at it and admire it.
16:54There'll be no grubby people getting in my hot tub.
16:56Isn't there chlorine in it?
16:57I can afford chlorine, Gemma, Jesus.
17:00I just don't want people other than me in it.
17:03You wouldn't get in a bath with me, would you?
17:05Absolutely not.
17:08No, no, I wouldn't, no.
17:17I'd like to thank everyone for coming here today
17:19to celebrate me and Jess hitting a milestone in our relationship.
17:22Ten years ago, when I first met Jess,
17:24I was on my knees sucking cocks for crack.
17:27I was good at it.
17:29I sucked a lot of cocks.
17:31But I also got a lot of crack.
17:34I didn't realise at the time that I'd hit rock bottom.
17:37I quite enjoyed it, actually.
17:39But then Jess gave me an ultimatum that night in Pizza Express.
17:43She said, stop sucking cocks for crack or lose her.
17:48So I stopped.
17:50And now here I am, a decade later,
17:52with the most successful skip-hire business in the North West.
17:56So I'd like to raise a glass.
17:59To the hot tub.
18:01Ah, OK.
18:03Hot tub.
18:06You know, you and that baby are totally fucked
18:08if you think he's going to be of any use.
18:10Dad's been a lot more helpful than you'd expect, actually.
18:13You all know it. Jess knows it.
18:15Useless brother, useless husband, useless dad.
18:18It'd be a useless grandad to that little baby.
18:21And he's scared of hot tubs.
18:23It's the only reason I bought one.
18:25See the fear in Malcolm's eyes.
18:27I'm not. I've remembered now and I'm not.
18:29Yeah, I didn't think he was.
18:31Yeah, you are. What's this fucking tea all about?
18:33Right, well, I'll show you.
18:35What's he doing? What's your dad doing?
18:37I honestly have no idea.
18:39Malcolm, slide us off before you go in the arse, Malcolm.
18:41Malcolm. Dad, what are you doing?
18:43Right, I'll show you. No, no.
18:45I'm going to show you.
18:47Right, right. No.
18:49Right, I'm going to sit in here
18:51and eat my lovely trifle by my lovely daughter
18:54and I'm going to let this water float away all my cares.
18:57Malcolm, get out of my hot tub.
18:59No.
19:04That's going to fuck the filter.
19:06This is good, love.
19:08He's made it all mucky.
19:10Oh, fantastic party, Tyrone.
19:12Look at that!
19:15Bloody lovely.
19:24Is your partner late again?
19:26No, I'm doing it alone, actually.
19:28Hello, everyone. I'm Dr Rush.
19:31I've been asked to take over this Becoming Mummies course
19:34because Twinkie has been arrested.
19:37Let's get some questions and we can see where the gaps are.
19:42Is it possible to legally force the midwife
19:45to follow my birth plan to the letter?
19:48And can we sue them if they don't?
19:54Planning a birth is like planning a car crash.
19:58We all know what we'd like to happen, steer into the skid,
20:02but sometimes you just have to take your hands off the wheel.
20:06That's a no, then, is it?
20:08A birth plan is what you hope for,
20:12not what's actually going to happen.
20:14That's not what Twinkie said.
20:16Well, Twinkie was a bellend.
20:18You have no control over any of this beyond your own attitude.
20:24That's what makes this all so terrifying.
20:27But empowering, too.
20:30Can I ask my partner to try and avoid pain relief?
20:33I mean, she should ignore you, but, yeah, you can ask her.
20:37Why don't you try slamming his balls into a car door
20:40and if he can get through that without pain relief,
20:42then have the conversation.
20:55Hey, I've got something to show you.
20:58OK.
21:04Ta-da!
21:07Oh, Dad!
21:11Oh, Dad!
21:12Yeah? Eh?
21:17Not so useless now, am I?
21:20No. Amazing drill work.
21:23Yeah, well, I'm on my way round a joist.
21:26I don't even know what a joist is.
21:29I'm so glad you like it.
21:33I'll put dinner on.
21:35OK.
21:42Shit!
21:44What was that?
21:45Nothing. Nothing.
21:51Shit.