3rd Rock from The Sun 2x07 - Fourth and Dick
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00:00Oh, it's that thing again. I have a name.
00:10Football! I thought they cancelled that in January.
00:13Well, guess they brought it back. I still don't see the point. I mean, what's
00:17it all about? Well, from what I understand, they try to
00:19kill whoever has the ball. Those two guys in the middle seem awfully
00:25intimate. Yeah, they've been going at it the whole
00:29game. Yeah, they should just get a room.
00:33Is there any upside? Well, if you make it all the way down to the
00:37big poles, you get to dance. Dance?
00:39And if you're really good, you win a trip to some fruit bowl.
00:44But only the best dancers make it. Sam.
00:47Oh, oh, oh, where are you going? I have glee club practice.
00:51Glee club? Yeah.
00:53Oh, I see. You've changed your mission. Now you're researching what it's like to be a
00:57girl. For your information, glee club is not just
01:01for girls. Yeah, it's also for geeks and Nancy boys.
01:05Hey! Oh, he's dancing.
01:07Hey! It's obviously a waste of time. Go do something with one of your girlfriends.
01:16Well, that's an order. Fine! Wait a minute. I don't have any girlfriends.
01:26You and me, sister. You and me.
01:46You and me. You and me.
01:53You and me. You and me.
01:58You and me. You and me.
02:01You and me. You and me.
02:04You and me. You and me.
02:07You and me. You and me.
02:10You and me. You and me.
02:14They are so good! They ought to be. They've been playing the
02:18same damn song for the past six hours. Marching band.
02:22Why don't they march? Preferably into the ocean.
02:26Oh, come on, Dick. Don't tell me you're not excited about the homecoming weekend.
02:31You know, between the Pendleton Badgers and Ohio Western Mustangs.
02:35Oh, it's football. Everywhere I turn, it's football, football.
02:41Big fat schmutball.
02:45Well, forgive me, Mr. Intellectual. God forbid you should come down from your ivory tower for four quarters.
02:52Four quarters? I don't care what you pay me. I'm not going.
02:57Not enough. There was a giant papier-mâché rodent blocking my parking spot this morning.
03:03You mean Pendleton J. Badger.
03:07What does the J stand for?
03:09Nothing. Nothing starts with N.
03:12It's just a kooky initial. Q is kookier. Why isn't it Pendleton Q. Badger?
03:17I don't know. Why don't you ask him?
03:20Anyway, I got us great seats.
03:23It's not just a sporting event. It's a long-standing tradition. Pendleton versus Ohio Western.
03:30You know, if you really want to defeat them, the secret is right in front of you.
03:34The giant badger. It's a Trojan float.
03:38We load our team in. We push it up to their school walls.
03:42And they say, look, a friendly giant badger. Let's bring it inside.
03:46Later that night, they fall asleep. And whammo! It could work.
03:53It's not very sportsmanlike.
03:55Well, I'll admit it doesn't involve any dancing or homoerotic butt-slapping.
04:02Although you never know what goes on inside a giant badger.
04:06Alibi! They call you any night, any day.
04:15You're a guy, you're special kindling.
04:20Come away, come away.
04:25Alibi!
04:28That was really, um, better.
04:33Everyone, take a seat.
04:36You know, you mustn't be afraid to sing.
04:39From your heart, from your mind, from your body.
04:42Music is the sound your soul makes.
04:45Try it like this.
04:49You'll hear me call you, singing through the sunshine.
04:57Sweet and clear as can be.
05:04Here am I, come to me.
05:10Here am I, come to me.
05:14Here am I, come to me.
05:17Bali Hai!
05:25Okay, now who would like to stand up and try it like that?
05:29Tommy!
05:43Nina, how's it going?
05:44Well, I'm kind of busy right now.
05:46Listen, um, we're friends, aren't we?
05:49Yeah, sure.
05:50Good, because I've decided we're best friends.
05:52You got a problem with that?
05:55Uh, no.
05:56Thanks, Nina.
05:58I finally have a girlfriend.
06:00You're my first one.
06:01Oh, Sally, I am?
06:03Why, is that weird?
06:04Oh, no, no, no.
06:06It's tough making friends with women.
06:08You're telling me.
06:09I can barely stand myself.
06:11So, um, what do you want to do now, girlfriend?
06:14Do you want to go shopping or talk about cramps?
06:17Shopping.
06:21And for Monday, I want you to read and outline chapters 8 through 24.
06:26Except for chapter 12,
06:28which you will refute in a 10-page treatise with illustrations.
06:32But, Dr. Solomon, it's homecoming weekend.
06:35Yeah, the big game.
06:36Oh, yes, I forgot.
06:39God forbid that your intellectual development should get in the way of the big game.
06:44What could be more important than the big game?
06:47The fate of mankind rests on the outcome of the big game.
06:51Is he being sarcastic?
06:54Oh, and I've got news for you.
06:56The J in Pendleton J. Badger is meaningless.
07:02Dr. Solomon, you've insulted my intelligence, my religion, and my family.
07:07And that's okay.
07:08But there's one thing you cannot insult, and that's the badgers.
07:11Because there's something you don't even know about a badger, man.
07:14When they dig holes, they do it for a reason.
07:17And their teeth, they're really sharp when they're very young.
07:20So I'm going to that game, and I don't care if you fail me for it.
07:29But you're already failing.
07:32Okay, as long as we see eye to eye, then.
07:35I just don't see why you care so much about a team that has no chance of winning.
07:41Why are you so passionate about a lost cause?
07:44Ohio Western's record is 6-1. They're going to win. Why don't you root for them?
07:49But we go to Pendleton. We're the badgers. I mean, the badgers are us.
07:52We're us, not them. They're them. We're us with the...
07:57Don't you get it?
07:58No! Why didn't you just go to Western?
08:03Because we choked on our SATs.
08:09That skirt was really cute, wasn't it?
08:11And then there were those shoes that looked so great on you.
08:15So, this is where you live.
08:17Oh, Nina, I'm glad you're here. Get me some coffee.
08:23We're not at the office. I'm here with Sally.
08:25Yeah, that's right. She's my friend. My best friend.
08:28If she's going to get anybody coffee, it's going to be me.
08:32We'll see about that, Nina.
08:34Who are you going to get coffee for, Sally or me?
08:39Okay, I have to go home and feed my cat.
08:42I didn't know you had a cat.
08:43I'm going to go buy one.
08:45I'll call you in ten minutes.
08:47Okay.
08:48You know, according to the Daily Badgerian,
08:50over 45,000 alumni will return to Pendleton for the homecoming game.
08:55You'd think that after four years, they'd want to put the experience behind them.
08:58All I know is my friend Nina and I are going together.
09:00We bought new outfits.
09:02Yeah, I think I'm going to go, too.
09:04Really?
09:05It's not that I'm being sucked in. It's purely scientific.
09:08And who knows? Pendleton might win.
09:10That would be da bomb.
09:15You heard me. Da bomb!
09:20Dick, can I talk to you for a second?
09:22What is it?
09:23Well, I met this woman that I really like,
09:25and I think she likes me, but she's a little older.
09:2831.
09:30Tommy, do you really think a woman of that age would be interested in you?
09:33Sure.
09:34Wow, good job.
09:38What's your first move?
09:39I don't know. I want to take her someplace special, but...
09:41Excuse me. What about August?
09:43Oh, she'll understand. She's a good kid.
09:46You know, there's a word for what you're doing here.
09:48Oh, right. It's called trading up.
09:51Oh!
09:53Hey, guys, guess what?
09:54I went down to the stadium to see if I could get a job as a vendor for the game.
09:57Oh, did you get it?
09:58No. I didn't have enough experience to sell hot dogs.
10:03So they hired me as a security guard.
10:16Hi.
10:17Hi, Tommy.
10:19Sonny D.
10:24You know, Tommy, you may think I haven't noticed,
10:26but I really think you're making a lot of progress.
10:28I'm trying.
10:31I know you are.
10:32And it'll pay off, trust me.
10:36I'm counting on it.
10:39Um, Miss Frost, I got you something else.
10:41It's a ticket to the homecoming Pendleton game.
10:44The Mustangs badger game?
10:46Yeah.
10:47Oh, that's very sweet, but I couldn't accept a gift.
10:50Oh, no, my daddy gets them for free.
10:52He works at the university.
10:54You know, they pay him squat, so they give him perks.
10:58Well, thank you, Tommy.
11:07Man on first.
11:13Hey, buy us a couple of beers?
11:15Sure.
11:17So, you girls going to the big game?
11:19We don't want to talk to you. We're just broke.
11:24This is so strange.
11:25I feel this gnawing in my stomach.
11:27I told you, this is not the place for Oysters Rockefeller.
11:31It feels more like tension.
11:33I'm not sure, but I think I might actually be nervous about the game.
11:36Nervous?
11:37There's nothing to be nervous about,
11:39because the badgers are gonna win!
11:41Badgers beat the Mustangs?
11:43In your dreams!
11:45Oh, go ahead, laugh now,
11:47because you're gonna be crying tomorrow.
11:49Oh, I don't think so.
11:50We're gonna beat you a million to one!
11:52Yeah, right, like you're gonna score
11:542,380 touchdowns a minute.
11:57You're not gonna score anything.
11:59These aren't the same badgers you pushed around last year.
12:02Oh, really?
12:03Yeah, we got a bunch of fifth-year seniors,
12:06and they bulked up like crazy.
12:09And they've got heart.
12:11Yeah, one each!
12:13Yeah?
12:14Well, I got bad news for you later.
12:16She's no lady, she's a badger!
12:18Show him your teeth, Mary.
12:21Oh, yeah?
12:22Well, you're going down, and you know why?
12:24Why?
12:25Because badgers suck!
12:26Badgers don't suck, they bite!
12:28You guys are nuts!
12:30Nuts like a badger?
12:31Yeah!
12:40Hurry!
12:41Hurry!
12:42Hurry!
12:44What? What?
12:45The Western team botch is just pulling up!
12:55This glass is cold!
13:07All right.
13:09Let's just drop the ax there, little buddy.
13:14I said drop it!
13:17I guess there's something I have to tell you.
13:19What is it?
13:21Well, I never thought I'd say these words,
13:23but I'm in love with another woman.
13:25Who is it, Tommy?
13:28It's Miss Frost.
13:30Miss Frost?
13:32The glee club teacher?
13:34I'm afraid so. It just happened.
13:39I understand.
13:41You gotta do what you gotta do.
13:46You're not upset or jealous?
13:49No.
13:51Not at all.
13:54I hope you two will be very happy together.
13:58Oh, there's something I have to tell you, too.
14:01I've been seeing Val Kilmer.
14:02Really?
14:05I'm glad you've got someone.
14:09I'm glad you've got someone, too.
14:12Very sweet.
14:13That's $19,438.
14:17We'll beat ya!
14:18We'll beat ya!
14:19We'll fight ya!
14:20We'll fight ya!
14:21We'll beat ya!
14:22We'll beat ya!
14:23We'll fight ya!
14:24We'll beat ya!
14:25We'll beat ya!
14:26We'll beat ya!
14:35You were so right!
14:36I feel great!
14:37I just feel kingly all over!
14:40And that's not just the lead paint talking.
14:43You really went all out, didn't you?
14:45Yeah, Bog and Pitman did it.
14:46They didn't want to, but I made them.
14:48It goes all the way down, you know.
14:56Tommy!
14:57Oh, Miss Frost.
14:59What a coincidence.
15:01Corndog?
15:07Well, hello, Mrs. Sumner.
15:09How's the dean?
15:10Oh, he's fine, thank you.
15:11Excellent, excellent.
15:12I'm afraid I'm going to have to look in that bag.
15:13What?
15:16Oh, binoculars, huh?
15:18And exactly who is it that you were planning on looking at?
15:21Because around here, we got a little thing called right to privacy.
15:24Okay, spread them.
15:30Miss Solomon, I need a canine unit.
15:33We request that you stop throwing things in the Pendleton bag.
15:37Please, God, block the extra point!
15:40I promise I'll never ask for anything else!
15:43Screw Mary's shut-in grandmother!
15:45Just block that kick!
15:47Yes, yes, yes!
15:52There is no God!
15:56What do you think about your badges now?
15:58Up yours, buddy.
16:00Up yours, buddy.
16:01Quick, Dick, give him the finger.
16:11What the hell's the matter with you?
16:15I don't get it. Our guys don't advance.
16:17They're in a constant state of retreat.
16:22I can't watch this anymore.
16:31Get up here.
16:32Get in there and remind them we're going that way.
16:35Wait till you get back here.
16:37Excuse me, ladies.
16:38Hey, I'm the coach.
16:39Oh, yeah, so you're the idiot who's running this team into the ground.
16:43That's me. You got a problem with that?
16:45Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.
16:47Well, let me tell you what you can do.
16:49You can take that pretty little bunny of yours,
16:51march it up to the bleachers and park it.
16:55I was just about to say the same thing to you.
16:58Cool.
16:59Yeah?
17:00Yeah!
17:01Why are you guys throwing the ball?
17:02You're throwing guys too short to see over the fat guys.
17:04You need to run left. It's their weak side.
17:07Oh, what do we do after that, Ms. Schottheimer?
17:11You do it again.
17:12They won't expect it.
17:14She's right, coach.
17:15You shut up or I'll quit pitching your grades.
17:19No.
17:21No.
17:22No.
17:25Oh, God.
17:26No!
17:31Hey, now that's a play.
17:34You heard the lady.
17:38Now, if you get any more of those good ideas,
17:40you mark them down on this pad for me, will you?
17:42Can do.
17:43You're doing a hell of a job.
17:53Yeah!
17:57Oh!
18:03I think there's been a misunderstanding.
18:05Apparently.
18:08Edwards Henry covers the fumble on the Mustang.
18:1030 yards.
18:12Okay, everybody!
18:15Here, come on.
18:16Let's try another one.
18:17Sine, cosine, cosine, sine.
18:193.14159.
18:21Now you try.
18:22Now you try.
18:24Cosine, sine, cosine, sine.
18:263.14159.
18:38Hey, hey, hey, hey!
18:41Whoa, whoa, whoa!
18:43Let's keep it down.
18:47All right, who threw that?
18:50All right, who threw that one?
18:53Pendleton wins!
18:55I can't believe it!
18:56Pendleton wins!
18:57Hey, Nina.
18:58Look what they gave me for winning.
19:02Ooh, steak sandwiches.
19:08Miss Frost, I'm pretty sure we can work this out.
19:11Tommy, there is no we.
19:13There can't be.
19:14And I'm not just talking legally.
19:17Well, then why'd you spend all that time singing to me?
19:19Alluring me like a siren to my destruction.
19:23I'm a singing teacher, Tommy.
19:25I sing.
19:26I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.
19:29Look, I think you'd be better off with a girl your own age.
19:33Yeah?
19:34So what's your mother look like?
19:39Listen.
19:40Can you hear them celebrating?
19:42Oh, yes.
19:43The happy sounds of cars overturning and stores being looted.
19:47I love the smell of burning rubber.
19:49It smells like victory.
19:50A sweet victory.
19:52You know, it's amazing.
19:54There we were, thousands of total strangers,
19:57all pulling together, trying to transfer our collective strength
20:01to a tiny group of young men that we didn't even know.
20:05We cheered for them, and they won for us.
20:08I never felt such a feeling of joy and camaraderie.
20:12The only sad part is that everyone couldn't share it.
20:15Someone had to lose.
20:17I feel for the Mustang fans.
20:20Ah, screw them.
20:23You're right.
20:24That's rule!
20:25Yeah!
20:27Okay, lovebirds.
20:30Party's over.
20:31Let's, uh, take it inside.
20:43Oh!
20:50Mustangs give you problems.
20:52Mustangs give you grief.
20:54Mustangs give you trouble, but the badgers got the teeth.
20:57We're bad.
20:58We're bad.
20:59We're badgers.
21:01We're bad.
21:02We're bad.
21:03We're badgers.
21:05Not beavers.
21:06Not hamsters.
21:07Not gerbils.
21:08Not lambsters.
21:09We're bad.
21:10We're bad.
21:11We're badgers.