3rd Rock from The Sun 2x22 - Will Work For Dick
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00:00Enough! This needs to go out right away!
00:07What's so urgent, Dick?
00:08It's the phone company survey. I'm very satisfied with my service.
00:11Enough!
00:13Mail this.
00:14I'll do it on my way out. I've got a blind date.
00:16Well, that's exciting.
00:18Oh, why is he driving?
00:21It doesn't matter. Anyway, you'll have to cancel. We have way too much work to do.
00:24Why now? You haven't done any work in two days.
00:26I know, and now I'm paying for it.
00:29If you want, you can invite your blind date here and tell him it's a disco,
00:32but that's the best I can do.
00:34Can't this wait until tomorrow?
00:36No, Nina. You're paid to do my bidding.
00:39I was never paid to work for you.
00:41What?
00:42I am Dr. Albright's assistant.
00:43When you showed up, they doubled my workload,
00:45and the only raise I got was the privilege of working for you.
00:48I think you're starting to take that privilege a little for granted.
00:53You know, you're right. I don't deserve you. I quit.
00:56What?
00:57Nina, you can't quit. I need you.
00:58Let her go!
01:00I guarantee you'll never work in this town again.
01:03Oh, I'm still working for Dr. Albright. I'm just quitting you.
01:06Oh, no. No, no.
01:09No, that's not how it works. We're a package.
01:11You quit one of us, you quit us both. Isn't that right, Mary?
01:13See you in the morning, Nina.
01:16Ah!
01:29Harry, I have great news. You're going to be my new assistant.
01:33Whoa!
01:35Assistant High Commander Harry.
01:38Oh, I knew this day would come.
01:40Harry, my office assistant.
01:43You'll find me to be an easy person to work for.
01:46My demands are simple.
01:48Simply someone who understands that working for me
01:50is in and of itself a reason to live.
01:54Well, it seems like I should be paying you.
01:57I considered that, Harry, but it's impossible.
02:00You'll be making virtually nothing.
02:02You'll only have to perform the most basic of tasks.
02:05You've sent out mail before.
02:07Nope.
02:08Well, you've stapled before.
02:10I have not.
02:12Well, surely you've used a paper clip.
02:14Oh, you mean those cotton things you put in your ears?
02:18Harry, how many fingers am I holding up?
02:21Harry, how many fingers am I holding up?
02:23Two.
02:24You're hired.
02:50How's the tea?
03:02Um, there's no tea in here.
03:05It's pink tea, and it's good tea.
03:09Kid, did you fall off the jungle gym or what?
03:12Hey.
03:13What's going on?
03:14Oh, I'm watching Dupe Check's Illegitimate Grandkid.
03:19Wait for tea.
03:20Sorry.
03:25Wait, wait, wait. There's no actual tea, right?
03:28It's pink tea, and it's good tea.
03:31The cake is pink, too.
03:32The cake is pink, too.
03:35All right.
03:36Maybe this is tea, but this is definitely not cake.
03:50Hi, Harry.
03:57What are you doing here?
03:59Well, I work here.
04:01Oh, you're Dick's new assistant.
04:03Yes, sir.
04:05I'm the new guy.
04:07You know, at first, no one likes the new guy.
04:10People are threatened by the new guy.
04:13But other people are secretly attracted to the new guy.
04:18Hello, Mr. Dr. Solomon, sir.
04:21Welcome back.
04:22Welcome back.
04:24Harry, unlike Nina, you are a gentleman.
04:29Here are your mail and your messages.
04:31I've already taken care of the first two, and I restocked your stationery.
04:34Thank you, Nina.
04:35Harry, did I get any phone calls?
04:36Oh, yes.
04:37It rang repeatedly.
04:40And, um, who called?
04:43Well, I don't know, Dick.
04:44I'm not clairvoyant.
04:48Of course not.
04:49But, uh, I'm sure you filed my midterms.
04:51No.
04:53But I did pre-lick all your stamps.
04:58And I have placed them here on your filing cabinet for your convenience.
05:06Nice work, Harry.
05:08Now, when I want to mail a letter, I'll just steam, scrape, and tape.
05:17So, anyway, she looks at me, and she says,
05:19It's pink tea, and it's good tea.
05:22Oh, that's so sweet.
05:23Well, I'm not done with the story.
05:24It was imaginary tea.
05:26Did she serve imaginary cake and muffins?
05:28Yes.
05:29Oh, that's so cute.
05:32Is there some sort of imaginary bakery I'm missing out on here?
05:35Oh, I always had Barbie tea parties.
05:38Oh, Barbie.
05:40Blonde hair, tiny waist, legs up to her neck.
05:42Who grows up to look like that?
05:44Yeah, who?
05:45Yeah, who?
05:50Oh, why did everything seem possible at that age?
05:53It was great.
05:54Did you ever do your best friend's hair?
05:56Yes.
05:57Did you ever play dress-up?
05:58Wearing your mother's clothes?
06:00My brother Roy did that.
06:04Did you ever take ballet lessons?
06:05Oh, ballet.
06:06Ballet.
06:07Ballet.
06:08Oh, at my recital night, I felt like Cinderella.
06:11Of course, I looked like one of the hippos in Fantasia.
06:14Yummy.
06:16No, I look cute.
06:19So, remember when we used to do what?
06:22The bows.
06:23Oh, I can still remember taking my bow.
06:26My dad gave me a single white rose.
06:29I was his little princess.
06:32That was my childhood.
06:35Don't we all.
06:41Tommy.
06:42I'm not coming out.
06:43I want to play Barbie.
06:56I feel like Tommy Longstocking.
06:59That's what I was going for.
07:01All right, now sit down.
07:02You're Ken.
07:07Okay, Ken.
07:08So, what do you want to do today?
07:10Nothing that involves bending my knees or elbows.
07:15Okay, well, have a great day at work.
07:17Oh, I will.
07:18And while there, I'll earn 25% more than you because I'm a man.
07:23That's not fair.
07:24I'm going to sue you in Malibu Dream Court.
07:28Don't get your mink in a punch, precious.
07:31Okay, well, now you're talking down to me.
07:33So, now I have to rip your head off.
07:39You don't play right.
07:42Baby, you forgot your head.
07:44Shut up.
07:47So, Nick, you know what I overheard at the water cooler?
07:50What?
07:51That there's this weird guy hanging around the water cooler.
07:57I'm so glad you're home.
07:59Read that.
08:00An application to Little Miss Slipper's Ballet Academy?
08:02Yeah, I really need ballet lessons.
08:04It's imperative to my mission.
08:05Well, can you get in?
08:06Well, do you have $150?
08:08For this?
08:10Don't make me beg.
08:12No, Lieutenant.
08:13Please!
08:18All right, enjoy.
08:21I'm going to be the best damn ballerina in that whole class.
08:27My boyfriend drives a Camaro.
08:31Harry, get up.
08:32Yeah, of course.
08:39I want to talk to you about work today.
08:41Oh, it was the greatest day of my life.
08:44It was a disaster.
08:45Oh, I'm glad it's over.
08:46Now I can stop pretending.
08:47Hold it right there.
08:49There's going to be some changes around here, Harry.
08:51From now on, your desk will be your girlfriend.
08:53Her name will be Lucille.
08:54She will be the only woman in your life.
08:57Jack, I don't like you like this.
08:59I don't want you to like me, because liking leads to loving,
09:02and loving leads to reproduction,
09:03and nobody reproduces with me, understood?
09:07Now get some sleep.
09:08Starting tomorrow, I'm going to whip you into shape.
09:14Okay, but don't touch the face,
09:17because I'm a pretty man.
09:24Harry!
09:27My pencils are dull.
09:29Well, talk to Dr. Albright instead.
09:31She's riveting.
09:34Thank you, Harry.
09:36Sharpen these.
09:37That's eight pencils at seven seconds each,
09:39and I want a progress report typed and on my desk in 50 seconds.
09:42Now go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
09:45Harry?
09:46Not now, Nina.
09:47I'm on a deadline.
09:49Don't you think Dr. Solomon's making some unreasonable demands of you?
09:52Oh, don't be silly.
09:54Harry!
09:56Pee in this cup.
09:57I want to see if you've been eating my mints.
10:05It's fine, you know.
10:06Dick's just trying to whip me into a first-class assistant.
10:09Look, next time he starts to get on your case,
10:11you tell him to talk to the hand.
10:13I talk to the hand.
10:15Well, I don't know.
10:17Harry, get out here!
10:19Why is my outbox full?
10:21Because the mail just came in.
10:22Why did you put it in the outbox?
10:23Because it came out of the mail.
10:26Why is my letter to the dean in the inbox?
10:28Oh, well, the dean won't be back till tomorrow,
10:30but once he's in, the in goes out.
10:33Harry, things in the outbox are going out.
10:35Well, why don't we just get one big box,
10:37and that way we'll just put everything in there.
10:39I mean, that's 50% less box.
10:42That's not how it's done.
10:43Harry, anyone with half a brain could do this job.
10:45What is your problem?
10:50Dick?
10:51Yes?
10:52Talk to the hand.
11:14Dick!
11:16Dick, look at me!
11:17Just try to keep your foot out of the egg salad.
11:25Look at me.
11:26Look what I learned.
11:27Look.
11:30Oh.
11:31Oh, my God.
11:32Oh, my God.
11:33Oh, my God.
11:34Oh, my God.
11:35Oh, my God.
11:36Oh, my God.
11:37Oh, my God.
11:38Oh, my God.
11:39Oh, my God.
11:40Oh, my God.
11:41Oh, my God.
11:42Oh.
11:43Good, they taught you to squat.
11:48Money well spent.
11:50It's not a squat.
11:52It's a plie.
11:53What's a plie?
11:54A French squat.
11:56I'm practicing for my recital.
11:58I'm so excited.
11:59Everybody's parents will be there.
12:04Oh, Tommy!
12:07Oh, my God!
12:11Oh, Tommy, you are stylish!
12:13Yes, thank you very much.
12:14Will you please fix what you've done to my head?
12:16No, but I will let you borrow some of my barrettes.
12:19Oh, well, that'll look better.
12:21Dick, I can't wait for you to see the recital.
12:24I do a pirouette at the end,
12:26and the teacher says I look like a drunk bear.
12:30I'll be there.
12:31Look at me, dammit!
12:32I'm your little princess!
12:35Aw, you look beautiful.
12:40Come on, Tommy, I need you for the pas de deux.
12:43Harry, come watch me practice.
12:45Sorry, Sally, I have to sit here and silently glare at Dick.
12:55Am I going to have an emotional outburst?
12:58Or are you?
12:59You just did.
13:00I did not!
13:02Harry, I hired you to replace Nina,
13:05but instead she's turned you into her sassy doppelganger.
13:09Is that right?
13:10That's right.
13:11You think so?
13:12I do.
13:13Well, you know what?
13:14What?
13:15I'm not taking it anymore.
13:16The carnival is leaving Dickville.
13:17I quit!
13:18You can't quit, Harry!
13:19You're fired!
13:20No!
13:22I'm sorry things didn't work out, Harry,
13:24but best of luck in your future endeavors.
13:27Okay, see you tonight.
13:32Does this mean you've come to your senses
13:34and you're going to apologize to Nina?
13:36No, I will never come to my senses!
13:40I don't need Nina.
13:41I don't need Harry.
13:42I don't need anybody.
13:43From now on, I'm going to be my own assistant.
13:46I don't need Nina.
13:47I don't need Harry.
13:48I don't need anybody.
13:49From now on, I'm going to be my own assistant.
13:53Hello?
13:55Yes, I'll be at the seminar.
13:57I don't know about Dr. Solomon.
13:59Hold on a second.
14:00Dick?
14:01Transfer her to my assistant, please.
14:04Okay.
14:11Dr. Solomon's line, who's calling, please?
14:14I'll ask him.
14:15The seminar? Yes.
14:16I'll ask him and get back to you this afternoon.
14:21Dr. Solomon's line, who's calling, please?
14:23Hold on, please. I'll transfer you.
14:31This is Dick Solomon.
14:32How can I help you?
14:34No, no, no, no.
14:35You want Dick Solomon in the English department?
14:39Transfer you?
14:40I'm already doing the job of two men!
14:41Next time, pick up a phone book, you moron!
14:49Dick, I think your phone's ringing.
14:54Dick Solomon's line, who's calling?
14:56This is Luella from the dean's office.
14:59Please tell Dr. Solomon we need copies of all past purchase orders for the past 18 months.
15:05Purchase orders?
15:06Yes, I dropped them off this morning.
15:08This morning?
15:09You never drop those off, you lie!
15:11How do you know? You weren't even there.
15:12I can tell just by looking at you.
15:14I can't work like this.
15:15Obviously not.
15:16Such mistrust!
15:17Well, get out then!
15:18Fine!
15:19I will!
15:23That's so easy, is it, Dick?
15:25On the contrary.
15:27All I have to do now is take Dr. Solomon's exam to his 10 o'clock class.
15:34Well, there's only one here. I have 30 students.
15:37Well, that's funny.
15:39They usually duplicate themselves.
15:43No, wait!
15:44Nina always made the copies!
15:47Nina made the copies, huh?
15:49Then I can make the copies.
15:51I'll just take this paper and walk out this door and turn to the...
15:58You're right.
15:59Yes, I knew that.
16:00And then walk right into the...
16:03Third door in the lab.
16:06Don't patronize me.
16:10It says Xerox on it.
16:13Obviously.
16:20Okay, I put this under here.
16:25Press this.
16:26Put this under here.
16:28Press this.
16:30Enter the number 30.
16:32And start.
16:36Piece of cake.
16:43Paper jam.
16:45Okay.
16:47I just press this.
16:49Open this.
16:52Remove the paper.
16:54Press this.
16:56And start.
17:00C key operator.
17:01Well, that's me.
17:03I'm operating the keys.
17:04Me!
17:05Damn you!
17:08I'm going to press cancel.
17:09Is that what you want?
17:10Because I'll do it.
17:11I'll press...
17:13Damn you!
17:14Damn you!
17:20I'm going to beat you with your own toner cartridge!
17:27There's my daddy!
17:29There's my daddy!
17:31Dick?
17:34Dick?
17:36Her daddy's not here.
17:38Her daddy's a bad man.
17:51Tommy!
17:53Tommy!
17:55Dr. Solomon!
17:59What happened to you?
18:00Oh, Nina, I was so...
18:04I thought I didn't need anyone, but I do.
18:06I need you!
18:07Get off the carpet!
18:12Nina!
18:14Nina, your place is beautiful!
18:16Oh, no!
18:18But where are your file cabinets, your pencil sharpeners, your office furniture?
18:22You think the only Nina that you see exists in the office?
18:26You're wrong.
18:27There's another Nina.
18:28Will she work for me?
18:31You don't respect me, Dr. Solomon.
18:33If you want me to work for you, I need your respect.
18:35Nina, I respect you.
18:37Oh, I don't believe you.
18:38Oh, what do you want me to do?
18:39Crawl on my hands and knees?
18:42No, you respect me!
18:43Okay, okay, okay.
18:44I'll come back.
18:45Oh, Nina, thank you!
18:47Oh, Nina!
18:52I'll see you at the office.
19:01Shit.
19:02All I wanted was a normal childhood,
19:04but Dick just couldn't let me have one.
19:07I felt so humiliated.
19:09I bet when you looked out into that audience and you didn't see Dick there,
19:12you just felt like your heart was torn out.
19:13Yeah.
19:14Yeah.
19:15And you felt betrayed and alone.
19:16Uh-huh.
19:17And now you're probably pretty much damaged for life
19:19and you'll never trust anyone ever again, right?
19:21Exactly.
19:22Yeah.
19:23Well, congratulations, Sally.
19:24You've just taken your first step into childhood.
19:28I have?
19:29Yeah, and now you take all this emotional damage
19:31and let it feed your adult neuroses.
19:35And the best part is that if you ever kill a guy
19:37or balloon up to 400 pounds, you get to blame Dick.
19:41Sally!
19:42Sally!
19:44Oh, Sally.
19:46I am so sorry I missed your recital.
19:51Oh, you did.
19:53Thanks, Dick.
19:54It was my pleasure.
19:55What for?
19:56Well, you've given me the most precious gift of all.
19:59Emotional baggage.
20:01Thanks.
20:02You're welcome.
20:04Now I gotta go eat.
20:05A lot.
20:09I'm sorry, Harry.
20:11I thought I didn't need anyone.
20:12I thought I could do everything by myself.
20:15But it turns out I was wrong.
20:16I do need someone.
20:18Just not you.
20:21Well, it takes a big man to admit that.
20:24Guess it just goes to show you,
20:25you can't work with your family.
20:28But technically, we're not a family.
20:30We're more like co-workers.
20:31Well, it just goes to show you can't work with your co-workers.
20:36Isn't that the motto of the Postal Service?
20:49Okay, Dick, this is how it works.
20:50You put the paper in there.
20:51I did that.
20:52Now press this button.
20:53I did that.
20:54It should work.
20:55Paper jam.
20:56Not a problem.
20:57Okay.
20:58Pull this out.
20:59I did that.
21:00Press this button.
21:01It's not working.
21:04What the hell is wrong with this?
21:07Stupid.
21:11Stupid.